February 20, 2025 • 50 mins
In this episode of The Relaxed Male, we dive into the topic of getting unstuck and moving forward in life, especially after significant life changes like a divorce. Host Bryan Goodwin, a certified coach, addresses the common feelings of stagnation and fear that can keep us from pursuing new adventures and living life on our own terms. We explore the importance of introspection and identifying the thoughts that hold us back, and Bryan provides actionable steps to overcome these barriers.
We also tackle the question of the month: "What do I do if I've been stuck after my divorce?" Bryan offers insights into breaking free from a rut, finding new friends, starting a new business, and embarking on a new journey. He emphasizes the importance of working on the four pillars of a man's life: mind, body, soul, and community. By focusing on continuous learning, physical fitness, finding one's purpose, and building a supportive community, men can transform their lives.
Throughout the episode, Bryan encourages listeners to embrace failure as a part of growth and to take courageous steps toward their goals. He also highlights the value of having a strong community of friends who can support and uplift each other. Whether you're looking to start a new business, find new love, or simply live a more fulfilling life, this episode offers practical advice and motivation to help you get started.
If you resonate with any part of this episode or know someone who might benefit from it, Bryan encourages you to share it with others. He also invites listeners to reach out for coaching and support, offering a month of free coaching to help you get unstuck and move forward with confidence.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Bryan Goodwin (00:00):
Just a real quick note on this, coming episode. If you hear me talk about episode two six two and referring it to this particular episode, it's actually two six three that we're on.
So, I I I've been messed up. So anyhow, so today we're talking about how do we get ourselves
unstuck. We have a question of the month, and we are getting into the minutia
(00:24):
of what holds us still, why our fears keep us in places that we are, and what steps do we need to do to get ourselves up off the couch and doing something, going on a new adventure that will propel us into the world that we want. We're gonna be talking about this that this week on episode two sixty three of The Relaxed Male. This is The Relaxed Male.
(00:48):
The show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
Join the host certified coach Brian Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
Hey man. Hello, and welcome to the show today. We're talking, we've got question of the month day, today. And so we're talking about what happens if you have just been stuck
(01:18):
with after your divorce.
Divorce is done and you've just been there. You've done nothing with yourself after that.
We're kinda look at that why
and and kinda delve into
a little bit more of of the,
the the thoughts and the mindsets of what's causing that. And then
what steps? How do you need to actually get yourself
(01:41):
out of that particular rut down the road so that you can actually become
a productive
citizen again.
Find
a love that will actually
bring you joy and happiness again,
and will actually be willing to go on the rest of this adventure that you've even started.
Now if you anytime during the show, you have a question, you hear something that, that resonates with you, causes a, cause you to kinda,
(02:08):
Hey.
Let's
send that out. Take that that,
this episode and share it out with your friends, your family on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
wherever it is that you wanna wanna send it to. But also
take it take it and share it onto, as a text message. You can share this out, and we will I would love to be able to let folks know that, hey. We've got this, this this group
(02:35):
of men who are becoming better men by learning how to just
freaking breathe already
and and learn that life is actually wonderful. No matter what happens,
it's your choice as to how you wanna make it look.
And so
if you have any comments, questions, or anything like that for me, you can send me an email over brianwithay@relaxmail.com
(02:58):
or go to relax mail dot com forward slash contact.
And either both of those ways will get a message
over to me. So
now
I wanted to go ahead and jump
just face first into this question.
Because first off, the question is this.
(03:20):
Now
I am feeling alone. I got a divorce I got divorced three years ago,
and
I want a new journey in my life, like
finding new friends, starting a new business, etcetera.
What do I do? How do I get started on any of this?
And that's I mean, there's a lot. There's the judgy side of me that jumps in going, you've been sitting on your butt for three years, and, yeah, there's a lot of us who would.
(03:48):
And before you jump into that boat and going, god, man, you are been waiting three years after you that, and you're you haven't done anything?
Well, first off,
yeah. He has. And I bet you've done the same thing too.
So let's not
dog pile on this guy.
He's at least got enough guts
(04:10):
to to answer out and ask a question. Go, dude,
I've been kinda stuck.
I've been sitting in the same routine
for
for forever
now. I have been, you know, stuck in Groundhog Day for three years.
What do I do?
First off, what I would actually recommend if I was had this guy sitting right in front of me, and the reason why I don't have his name is because he didn't give me his name. So and that's cool. That's fine. If you wanna ask a question, you can ask a question. You can just use your email address. You can tell me. Please keep me anonymous. I'd I would I would I'll keep everybody anonymous if they if they wanna be. If they wanna share who they are, awesome.
(04:50):
They wanna just go by first name, my first name, just by last name, last name. Okay. It doesn't matter. But anyhow,
if I was had this guy said in front of me and he said that very thing to me,
first off, I would ask, what has been holding you back first?
What
is it that you're that's holding you back, keeping you from anything? And I can guarantee
(05:13):
you
it's a thought.
Now to, to break that down,
you need to understand what a thought is. A thought is,
this is the definition of what a thought is.
A thought is a sentence that forms in your mind.
That's all it is.
So when I tell say, well, what happens if you were to start a go out and just start selling whatever it is you wanna sell tomorrow?
(05:40):
All of a sudden, you have all these thoughts rattling off in your head. You're just, well, I don't have the money. I don't have the time. I don't have this. I don't have that. I can't do this. I've got to what if I what's my wife gonna say? What's the kids gonna say? What if I fail? What if I don't fail? What if I what if I get successful? What if I don't get successful?
I've first gotta have a business license. First, I don't I I don't even know what it is, what steps I need to take to be able to get whatever it is that I need. And you're gonna just go your brain's just gonna rapid fire, just machine gun, all these different thoughts. Just one right after the other, and it's just gonna circle, circle, circle, circle, and you're gonna feel overwhelmed.
(06:16):
Alright?
Now why do we have all these thoughts?
Well, many times a thought is created as a means to keep you safe and warm on the couch.
Let's go, outside with no clothes on in
minus,
minus three degrees with a 30 mile an hour wind.
You're going to freeze to death on in that type of environment,
(06:40):
or even worse, you know, it it's 35 degrees outside with a 30 mile an hour wind, and it's raining.
Okay?
You're going
to freeze to death
fairly quickly
in that type of environment. So your brain is doing what it's supposed to do. It's like, well, you need to first get dressed. And then that's kind of a pain under it. It wants to keep you safe. It wants to keep safe and warm on the couch, watching Netflix,
(07:05):
doing nothing because it knows you're not gonna die sitting there, except for the fact that you will die
sitting there.
It's so good at getting you to be protected that it protects you from being healthy.
We are flawed in that manner.
Now it'll come up with, all these different lies or excuses
(07:25):
as a means to protect you. And those that all those thoughts that rattled off
as to why you probably shouldn't be starting up a business right off the bat tomorrow and start selling whatever it is you wanna be selling right first thing
tomorrow. It's a it's a means to just keep you
from doing something that will get you either thrown out of the out of the village
(07:47):
or killed in some way.
Because our brain
is motivated by three things and three
very distinct
things.
It wants to avoid pain, wants to seek pleasure, and it wants to do it as efficiently as possible.
Learning something new,
doing going out, getting rejected because if you're trying to sell a widget, you're gonna come to a lot of people who don't like that widget.
(08:12):
Alright?
So anytime you try to sell that widget to them, I'm not gonna go, dude, I don't care for that bullcrap. Look. Get out of here. You're gonna see people have no soliciting signs, and you're gonna go, oh, well, I probably don't need to go in there, except that would really be what their, what their business really truly needs is what you're selling.
So do you ignore that no solicitor sign
(08:34):
and go on in, or do you run the chance of them yelling at you and you're running you out of the out of the store?
That's a big scary question, isn't it? So you're avoiding pain. Well, it's it's easier to sit here and act like you're doing something. I kinda run into this problem right now. I'm seeking too much pleasure.
Let's do the podcast. Let's do the,
(08:56):
let's do a blog post.
What else do we need to do? Oh, well, I I don't know. Let's just and we'll kinda wander off. Alright? So avoid pain, seek pleasure, and let's do this as efficiently as possible.
Alright? That right there is let's go into autopilot. All of a sudden, you gotta engage your brain and think about, well, what are we gonna do now? What's the next step I need to take?
(09:21):
Your brain wants to put on the brakes because it's not very efficient when it has to turn on the thinking part.
So when it comes to
why you got the, why you are still
sitting in the same place you were after you got divorced for three years,
you're gonna have to do a lot of introspection.
(09:42):
Why
are you holding back? What has been holding back? And so you're gonna wanna grab a notebook.
Alright?
As everything. I love notebooks. Notebooks are great. Grab a writing ink pen too. Not something you can just easily erase. If you screw up, alright, run a line through it and do it again.
(10:03):
Alright?
But write down. Put your thoughts. Write the topic down across the top. Alright?
Why have I
been unproductive for three months or three years?
You write that across the top. Why? And now
write and just line after line of all these sentences as to why. You can write cohesive sentences if you want, or you can just write individual sentences.
(10:28):
You know,
is lost, feeling bad for myself,
didn't trust women.
Women are are are horrible, terrible people.
Whatever it is, what all your thoughts, concerns,
insights, why cats aren't why we don't have pink cats running around, why there's no purple dogs,
all these questions, all the questions that pertain to
(10:51):
the topic at the top of the sheet.
When you have run out of thoughts about that,
then
you could start
going through
and write and answer every single one of those
those particular,
responses.
I was afraid
(11:12):
of getting started. Well, why were you afraid?
Because I don't wanna get rejected. What's wrong with being rejected?
Well, nothing's wrong with being rejected. It's just not fun.
Well, what's gonna happen if you get rejected? Well, probably nothing.
Are you sure? Yeah. Then why is there something afraid to be in rejected? And you can work through all of those and start building a lot of introspection
(11:37):
and see
what it is that really hung you up for three years. What is it that snagged your big toe and wouldn't let it go?
Examine
every single one of the excuses
and reasons
and and supposed
thoughts that you or no, they're not supposed. They're all thoughts, but supposed reasons
(11:59):
you
haven't, haven't taken a step.
What is it about the new journey
that you want?
And we're gonna break into those here in a moment.
But once you have those down and you understand
how
you were avoiding pain, seeking pleasure, and doing
whatever it was as efficiently as possible, you start to see why
(12:21):
a lot of the times you're hitting the, I don't knows.
All right. Now I don't know. And there's a there's these things called indulgent thoughts and indulgent emotions. I don't know is a very, very indulgent
thought.
Because
when you say, I don't know,
why why were you not,
(12:41):
doing anything after after three years? I don't know.
You've just allowed your brain to put a big old
stop sign in front of all the progresses that you've been doing,
and
you're not your brain's not even gonna try.
Why? Because you've accepted the fact that you don't know. I don't know. How am I supposed to find out, know the answer to something if I don't know what the answer is?
(13:05):
Well, there's a little hack to that.
And that is, what if you did know? What would you say? No matter how dumb and stupid your brain's telling you, don't say don't answer that. Don't answer that. Because if you answer that, you're gonna sound stupid. Well, who are you talking to? You're only talking to yourself.
So you're gonna sound stupid to yourself. It's your are you gonna kick yourself out of your own village?
(13:28):
It's a village of one.
No matter where you go, you're gonna you're you're the village. Your village is going there.
So, no, you can't actually kick yourself out of your own village because, well, you are the village.
But your brain will try to convince you
very eloquently too by might I add
that
(13:49):
answering the what if you did know
question
is gonna put you into harm's way,
and it will because it will tell your brain we're not listening to I don't know excuse anymore.
Do not buy
the I don't know. Alright? Anytime you can jump you hear your brain say, I don't know,
(14:11):
The next question
always
has to be, but what if I did know? And you're gonna feel those gears
slam stop shut for a couple seconds because the I don't know was supposed to be sand in the gears. And it's like,
oh,
damn it. So let's keep going then. There's a lot
(14:32):
of
uncertainty
with anything that you do, and that's what a lot of people have is they just don't know
what they they wanna guarantee. Well, you don't have a you're not even guaranteed to open your eyes up every day.
But yet you open your eyes up and you go on in today like it's supposed to have happened.
(14:52):
You don't even have any gratitude for the fact that for the past three years, you've opened your eyes every single day
going, Hey,
all right, I'm awake. I'm going. Let's do this.
So
now,
so what do you do? How do you how do you
start a new journey in your life?
Start finding friends, start a new business, things like that.
(15:16):
Alright?
Actions you need to take.
First and foremost, before you do
anything
else with your life,
you wanna work on those four pillars.
Alright?
These four pillars will guarantee
you success
in just about every endeavor you do.
(15:36):
Alright?
First off,
the man's mind. You're just keep learning, always learning, always growing more know developing more knowledge, and
imparting
that knowledge
onto everything you, everything you do. Alright?
What is it you wanna learn about? That's up to you.
I recommend that it be whatever it is you want to whatever your your soul tells you,
(16:03):
but, you know,
it may be cowboys and Indians
for all all we care. Alright? Maybe you have an interest in welding,
but
you
are reading about the best ways to form
build a house out of Legos.
I don't know.
Why? If it draws you to it, okay.
(16:23):
If it helps you
to get even better at whatever it is you're wanting to learn,
that's even better.
But a lot of times, just starting to learn something, anything, anything at all
is
what you wanna do.
So work on your mind, build your mind up, start reading books,
(16:45):
Start listening to podcast. Hey. You're listening to a podcast. Congratulations. You're working on your mind a little bit.
Expand that learning, though.
Go to conferences.
Yeah. They're expensive, man. You're right. So you're gonna have to save up. You're probably gonna have to do a little bit of something called discomfort
and give up some Starbucks coffee. If you're doing $5 or $6 a cup of coffee, then, man, I tell you, you can get yourself a Mr. Coffee for $20,
(17:15):
a can of coffee for 10. There's 30, so you maybe have gotten
four days
into,
into coffee,
and you could actually have
several
cups of coffee
on the first day,
and they will provide you more caffeine,
more
(17:35):
coffee
in a single serving
for less
money.
Because, I mean, I get
all week long, we can take one of the small cans of, of coffee, cost us 7 $67,
you know, Folgers, the, you know, French silk style coffee.
I think it's like $7.08, maybe $8 if the if the coffee beans for whatever reasons,
(18:00):
prices rise
rise, and
we can have that last a week and a half.
And that's me and my wife,
mainly my wife having one pot of coffee
every day, then on the weekends, having two, three
pots of coffee because, well, I'm home, and I get to drink all the coffee I want.
I don't have to stop at a truck stop to get a cup of coffee. So
(18:23):
but
that coffee
in that amount is a lot cheaper. You can find
ways
and change your habits that are not serving you.
So again,
they'll work on the man's mind.
Find ways to achieve what it is you want. To get to, get to a conference,
then, yeah,
(18:45):
stop going to getting the bougie coffee that's actually not all that freaking good, honestly. It's probably so highly processed.
It barely even rates as coffee.
And go get yourself some real coffee. It's ground up. You run some hot water through it and poof, voila, it's good.
Oh, you want a little cute little, cream in it? Okay. Well, then go buy some half and half. Put a little half and half in there. Oh, you like the bougie? You like the flavors? You like the Irish cream or the hazelnut flavoring? Alright. Well, go get your sell some go to the
(19:17):
to the refrigeration, the dairy aisle, and they've got, you know, Carnation creamers. It's
highly processed
fake milk too. So, I mean, what difference does it make? You're still saving a crap ton of money.
So you can save money so that you can go to expensive conferences
(19:38):
just to be able to get yourself smarter.
Put your mind to it. You can accomplish whatever it is you want.
Work on the man's mind.
Second thing is get your butt into shape. Alright? Get into shape. Start eating better, eating cleaner.
You don't even have to eat nothing. You don't even have to ditch meats. I recommend eating meats. I think we are we're
(20:01):
animals
that are designed to eat
animal flesh,
especially if it's charred animal flesh, even better.
You know, that is what we want need to eat. Why our body is designed to process animal proteins and animal fats.
Do we also need to have vegetables in our body? Yeah. Because we're omnivores.
(20:25):
We eat plants. We eat
we eat animals.
That's what we're meant to do. Don't believe me? Look at a vegan skin.
Look how crappy they look.
Then look at somebody who eats meat
and look how healthier they look their skin looks.
That's what happens when you do not put in animal proteins and fats into your diet.
(20:50):
Also, exercise.
Yeah. Get out there. Walk.
Maybe fifteen if you wanna be known as a walker, walk at least fifteen minutes a day. Get around to be identifying yourself as a man who takes care of himself.
You can't go to bed until you've walked for fifteen minutes. Maybe it's around the living room for fifteen. You have to walk fifteen minutes straight.
(21:11):
That's what you tell yourself. You will believe that eventually.
Maybe you start instead of doing, fifteen minutes walking, you start suddenly start doing forty five minutes worth of exercise.
You do thirty minutes worth of burpees and then
bunch of setups and push ups and then walk. Just whatever, you know, whatever it is for forty five minutes.
(21:33):
Get yourself into shape. Let people around you
start seeing that you actually give a crap about who you are.
Alright? A lot of times we get out of shape. Yeah. We don't look like we take care of ourselves. We look like crap. And so when we don't treat ourselves as high quality people,
we're not going to have high quality people around us.
(21:56):
You wanna start attracting high quality people into your life and build up the man's community, you're gonna have to start showing them you've got drive. You your body
looks like somebody who gives a crap about their themselves.
You dress as if you give a crap about yourself.
You have learned
all that you can learn so that you look like you don't, you don't
(22:20):
give a crap about yourself or you that you do give a crap about yourself. You don't you haven't given up on yourself.
Then you wanna work on your soul. And this was tough
because this one,
the women actually have a huge head start on us
because they have had
a lot of women
(22:40):
writers
talk about this. This is something that a lot of women writers have sat down and have
talked about in many ways because there's all these different stories about women who have gone out to find themselves.
And us guys are standing around going, what does that even freaking mean?
That means they have found
(23:01):
their purpose.
That means they have found what they're supposed they believe they're supposed to do. That is what feeds your soul. What feeds your soul is what drives you
to become better. What drives you
to have
the life that you,
that you want? What drives you?
(23:23):
Doesn't matter whether you make money or not.
Maybe
it dry you are driven to take care of the poor,
the homeless.
Okay? You're not ever gonna get rich doing it because you're giving all your money away to the poor, but that's okay. That's not the important part.
Maybe your purpose is to help make sure that every man
(23:45):
realizes that his life is as important
as as
what he believes it is.
Maybe every man's life is so damn important that every man
needs to
to reach
for the greatest
heights of of life possible.
What if your life
(24:07):
is so
incredible
that you
actually have the ability
to find a woman
that loves you completely
without any questions.
Is that possible?
Why, why isn't it?
What if you
don't have to be
so damn stressed out?
(24:29):
What?
Yeah.
What if you could relax
and learn,
work on your body,
do what you're meant to do
and have
friends
to do it with?
And that's what the fourth pillar is, is the man's community.
What if you
do you have
(24:50):
six friends that you meet on a weekly basis?
Doesn't mean y'all are sitting around in a circle facing each other,
you know, sharing problems. Y'all just meet. Y'all live life intentionally
at least once a week.
Maybe it's every Tuesday after Tuesday after work. Y'all all get together. Y'all sit down. Y'all talk.
(25:10):
Y'all,
shoot pool. Y'all play cards. Y'all hollow out a a a log and turn it into,
into a canoe.
Y'all have a project that y'all do
once a week for three hours.
What if that?
What if you had that?
You had,
say, six men who were equally driven, if not more driven, than what you are.
(25:35):
Jim Rohn
famously said, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. I like to modify that with, you are the average of the five people you spend the most intentional
time with.
I also grew up hearing, show me your friends. I will show you your future.
Now this was often said to me because I would hang depending on who I was hanging out at that time. It told me whether my mom and grandparents
(26:02):
approved of who I was hanging out with. If I was hanging out with someone they deemed kinda sketchy and stuff, then I would be hearing this.
If I ended up hearing, not hearing that while I was hanging out with somebody, that's probably a good peep person.
Show me your friends, show your future.
Find
quality
driven
friends, and they will help lift you up. And you being a part of their friends will actually you will be able to help lift them up too.
(26:31):
So you wanna work on those
four pillars to start off with before you do anything else.
So you may end up taking two, three years of just getting your mind, body, soul, and community under,
built and shored up.
But the key part of that is you do
not
rush. If you're sitting there going, oh, I'm wasting my time. I'm wasting my time. I'm wasting my time. That's a lot of dirty thinking that you're doing. You're you're you're trashing your whole line of thoughts, thought process up, and you're getting yourself all
(27:02):
tensed up. You've gotta learn to relax a little bit, man. You've got all the time in the world. You live longer when you relax.
So breathe, brother.
Best way I could put it is just breathe.
But once you get
those four pillars
fairly well
dialed in,
got them pretty you're not ever gonna be a % on any of them. You your mind, you're gonna be you may end up not learning quite as much because you're focused in on the body. Or maybe you're focused in on soul, and so your body's really taking a hit, but you're still learning a little bit, and you've got a good set of friends.
(27:40):
Alright?
It's gonna happen. Nothing's ever balanced. You're gonna work on one little more, and the other three are gonna take a little bit of a hit, and then that'll come down and it'll even out. And all of a sudden, your body will takes, be able to focus, and it's gonna
fade fade back down, and then this will be your mind and your soul and back to the community. And it's all just gonna kinda average out that you're improving yourself.
(28:03):
So once you've got that,
what do you do then? Well, let's break down those three questions that you have.
Been divorced for three years and wanna start a new journey. Sweet. Awesome.
What you have to do is you have to have a plan,
and then here's the hardest part the hardest step in the world
and execute it.
(28:24):
We like to dream. We can dream all day along. I mean, oh, yeah. I could you know, all this.
Executing that dream
is tough.
Very, very tough. And so you're going to have to
work at it, fail at it, talk to your friends about it, try it again,
fail at it again, talk to your friends. This is one reason why you want the men's community. The men's community is quite possibly the most important pillar
(28:53):
out of all four pillars.
Though all four pillars are highly important. There might the man's community might just be just a little bit more
important because it drives
you getting better with your soul,
getting better with your body, getting better with your mind,
being able to actually
(29:13):
execute
and do an after action review.
So
been divorced for three years. Do you wanna start a new journey?
Awesome.
Great.
What does the new journey look like?
Describe it. Get deep and that notebook we were talking about before, you have a page.
New journey.
(29:34):
Plan of action.
What are you going to do? What does that look like? First off, what's the vision? What does a new journey look like? What is the destination?
I just wanna go on a new journey. No. That's not gonna work. A new journey go it could be just going to the car and back. Congratulations. You just had a new journey.
(29:54):
Hoopla. You've you've
take something off your list.
We wanna get specific. Alright, man?
You've sat for three years. You've let your
your adventure button get or adventure muscle get a little old, a little rusty, a little you got a little bit of,
of, atrophy going on. So you're gonna have to start stretching them muscles out. Alright? You can get the muscles going good and strong. Yes. I know this actually muscles, but I've always loved calling them muscles. So, hey. Alright. That's me.
(30:27):
Stretch
and work
those muscles out,
and
try to get, try something, try something new, try something that scares the bejesus out of you
and have that the goal.
Make that the goal of the whole, the whole,
the whole point. How do you
(30:47):
blank? What does blank look like?
Get as
look,
touch, smell,
sound.
Get all the details.
Engage all your senses. What does it feel like under your hands? What does it feel like to sit on? What does it feel like what does it smell like? You know, describe the smell.
What does it look like? Is it green, red,
(31:11):
blue? Is it striped? Is it star color? Does it have candy? You know, whatever. What colors there are to it?
Describe them colors because you want to have a firm vision in your head.
Then
on that plan,
how do you get
to your goal? And your brain's gonna come up with as many excuses as to why you can't.
(31:33):
Well, you don't know what's the next step, but any of the steps are. Yeah. You do. You actually do. You may not know all of them,
but you may know the first
four or five.
So what's the first step? What's that second step? What's that third step? What's that fourth step? And you may take the first step and go, oh, wait a minute. There's actually a 1.5
that goes in here.
Or you may take that first step and go, oh, wait a minute. There's two steps before I do this one. I need to get these two done. Let's do those two so we can get to that first step.
(32:03):
And then let's take that one step point that 1.5
step, 1.75
step,
and then let's do
step
two. Step three
may have 47 extra steps in there, but you're taking each of those steps.
And once you get to the third step, all of a sudden you might go, oh, yeah. Now I need to have you know, there's step four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 17, 18, 90 five, you know, and you keep going
(32:32):
until you reach what that goal is. Now I make it sound like it's stupid easy
because
talk is the easy part.
Getting
your mind
engaged
to take that step is the scary part,
and I'm not saying anything on a new journey
is
easy. Taking a new journey, starting a new journey. Remember, you've got that motivational triad, avoid playing, seek pleasure, and do it as efficiently as possible
(33:01):
because doing anything in here is not gonna be avoiding pain. It's gonna be painful. It's gonna be awkward because you're going to fail early. You're gonna fail often,
and that's okay.
But those failures
are not pleasurable,
and they're rather painful. So you're hitting two,
violating two motivational,
(33:23):
two of the motivational triads
right off the bat. And in all reality, you're actually doing three because it is not efficient learning something new.
You have to utilize the full power of your brain
to learn something new.
You have to build
new synapses
to run to get over to the,
(33:44):
over to the what is the hippocampus that your your habit center to get to the habit center of your mind
so that your habit center go, oh, yeah. I know what we're doing here. Well, let's just do this, and brain can go into low power mode again.
When it's having to learn, it's not low power. So it's
it's going in straight head first into pain. It's not pleasurable,
(34:05):
and it's being highly
inefficient
because it's having to burn a whole lot of energy. And what happens if you don't need to later on? Then you're gonna die. You know? That whole thing. It your brain,
for the love of itself,
is going to try to scare you.
But you're going to rinse and repeat. Take a step. Come back to that step. Take a step. Try it again. Take a step, try it again. Take a step, try it again. Take a step, try it again. Take, take, take, take until
(34:32):
you've taken steps, try it again, succeeded,
and arrived
at where you wanna go. So how do you find friends?
Same way. Let's we break that down.
What type of friend do you want?
Well, just want good friends. Well, what's a good friend?
You want someone to cover your ass if you happen to go break a law? Is that really a good friend?
(34:55):
No.
Someone that will lie for you, take a take a a,
you know, go to jail for you. No. That's probably not a good friend. Someone who is
noble,
someone who has
what you want,
not that you're coveting them,
but they're showing you what they're able to do. Maybe they're they are business.
(35:19):
Maybe they are successful in church. Maybe they're they've got our their own,
their own stuff going on.
They have a family that's a loving family.
Okay.
What is it that they're doing that you want?
And how can you copy that? Well, to copy that and to be able to learn from them,
(35:40):
become their friends. How do you do that? Well, you say, hey, man. How you doing?
Blah blah blah blah.
Like to get one, trying to get some guys together. I just wanna know, would you be able to come be able to join
up? My off the bat, he may say, no. Not really.
I am getting a group of guys together. I'd like to see if he can join up. Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
(36:01):
Let me know when it starts.
Okay. It's all on you then. And, yeah, you're all if you're trying to put a bunch of friends and guys together,
it's all on you. Don't try trying to pass the buck off to somebody else because they're not gonna get the type of friends you want.
They're going to get the type of friends they want.
Alright?
(36:22):
So how do you find friends? You rinse and repeat that. You find five to six guys that you
like,
that
you want to, to emulate. Maybe you've got a guy who's successful in business, and you find four others
that want to be successful in business. They're all in different phases of of business work.
(36:44):
K?
But that guy that's successful in business, he struggles with having
a decent marriage.
Well, congratulations. Y'all both struggled in with, having a a decent marriage. Yours failed completely. His is starting to fail. But you've got Clarence over here who's been married for twenty eight years straight.
(37:05):
Every man
will be able to help each other.
Even if he is a guy who's also failed in marriage, he will have a different view than you on how to help
your buddy
shore up his
his. And I can tell you exactly. If all all of y'all are working on your four pillars, you're going to strengthen your marriage
(37:26):
because you're going to grow. When you're growing, you're not gonna have the roommate syndrome in in play.
And again so if he wants to if you wanna start a new business
like our questioner did,
so what are you wanting to do?
Many people, you ask them what type of business they wanna do, and they're going, oh, I don't know. I just want to thought it'd be kinda cool to start a business. Well, you kinda know what what business you're gonna run.
(37:52):
Alright?
So
what do you wanna be in business with?
And go from there. So you have to know what it what the target is. This is why you have to visualize. You have to focus in on what it is you wanna do
and be okay with the fact that you're going to be failing early, failing often, and you're going to fail until you get successful.
(38:13):
Because you may have an idea. Well, I'm gonna start selling bureauses
from door to door. Alright. Sweet. Great.
You do that,
but no one buys any because they don't know what a bureaus is. Well,
Then you have to go off and well, how do you teach them what a bureaus is?
Well, it's like a kolache
except
(38:34):
it's hamburger meat and cabbage in a roll instead and and and, wrapped in dough instead of just a sausage.
And then you go in Texas, and they're gonna tell you, so that's not a that's not a kolaches. That's a Klobuch snack. Klobuchies are rolls that have got a glob of jelly in the middle.
Uh-huh. Okay.
So you're gonna fail by and get better. But to do a start a business, you've gotta take
(38:57):
time. Maybe
kolache biz door to door kolache salesman
doesn't cut the mustard,
but you learn something from that.
And so
you decide you want to be, I don't know,
where would you go after a failed kolache business?
I didn't take this step out very well, did I?
(39:20):
But, hey. So
maybe the next thing you wanna do is you you fold up your your kolache business and you decide you wanna go
dog walking.
Again, I don't I don't know. I I didn't put a whole lot of thought into my good job on the podcast prep there, Brian.
But you take
the whole
skills that you learn from your door to door salesmanship and you apply it to dog walking.
(39:46):
Okay?
Well, you notice that most of the people that walk the dogs are
are not all that interested in paying as much as you need them to pay. So how do you up that? Well, maybe it's you get more people,
or maybe it's
you fold the dog walking business, go into something else.
(40:07):
You take the sales that you've learned from there and you apply it to there, and you keep building upon
your
fail failures until you find out what it is that you're liking to do. Now one of the keys is, as again, if you're working on your soul
and you find out what really
gets your juices flowing, there's probably a business located somewhere in there
(40:30):
that will help you become
very successful.
And that's based on the whole Japanese
ikigai type,
line of philosophy that somewhere in there, you've got your,
you've got your purpose.
Your purpose
feeds
you,
and you can make a living
by doing, you know, by doing what what feeds your soul. I've mentioned you'd be doing something that lights you, lights you on fire, light
(40:58):
gives you that that drive. That drive attracts people.
And all of a sudden they're so maybe you like doing
metalworking.
Alright. There's a good manly bit
manly,
hobby.
Maybe people like your
your steak turner. You've got the just the way that you've
(41:18):
bent that in around and into a kind of a quarter corkscrew
so people can flip their sticks the stakes real fast.
It's a really great idea. And you, you know, you're in a place that no one's ever seen that before. You're like, oh, it's amazing.
And so all of a sudden, you start selling a whole bunch of steak flippers
because
you care so much about your metalworking.
(41:40):
You put
so much
effort,
passion,
and attention into the metal
that the quality of your work shines through. And people see that, and they like that in that quality, and so they're willing to buy from it. And so maybe who knows? Maybe that's what it is you need to start a new business. Again, but those four pillars
will help you in every step of the way. Because if you're if you find what you're excited about,
(42:06):
you're gonna be studying
about what's
what excites you. So you're going to end up if you're into metallurgy and you're into into
blacksmithing, you're gonna be reading books about blacksmithing. You're gonna read be reading books about the history of blacksmithing, and what's the best way of getting stuff,
done with blacksmithing? How's the best way to to weld,
(42:29):
you know, two metal,
two different metals together,
and you don't have a welder? Alright. Well, maybe it's actually pounding everything together.
You're gonna find
the answer
because
your soul
is crazy about that.
So, but again, one of the big parts about anything you do, whatever new journey it is, how whether it's finding friends, starting a new business,
(42:55):
finding new love, finding a new girlfriend,
all of those
requires you to be okay with failing.
And that might be what's caused you to sit on your butt for three years.
Is that, I don't know. I'm I don't wanna fail.
Well, you've gotta stop worrying about failing.
Failing's not going it's gonna hurt your ego.
(43:18):
It's gonna hurt your pride. It's not gonna hurt you.
Alright?
The more you do what needs to be done,
the better
you're going to get at it.
You have to have the courage
to do something
until you become competent at it. And once you become competent at it,
(43:39):
you're gonna become skilled at it,
but you have to be brave enough
to do
first. I mean, that's all there is to it. You have to be brave enough to at least start.
And sitting on the couch,
complaining about it's not gonna fix it.
Sitting at in in your in your den,
(43:59):
playing video games, and you sitting there going, well, I don't really need to be doing something. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Well, then what if you did know?
Get rid of the I don't know.
Get around
realizing when you're in an indulgent mode and then
get out of it.
If you need help
getting out of it, if you need help getting anywhere in there, then
(44:23):
reach out to me.
Brianwithay@relaxmail.com.
Let me know what the issue is. Well, I don't mind coaching you. If you wanna have see what it's like getting coached by me because I could I get it, guys.
What happens if you tell people find out you're getting you're getting help from a life coach? Oh, well, you can't live life on your own. You gotta be coached through it.
(44:43):
Yeah, man. I do. There's nothing wrong with getting coached. Alright? Nothing wrong with getting it's called it's called mentorship. Alright? We used to call it mentorship. We used to call it leadership.
It's just called a different name now. And people are struggling with going, oh, well,
look at you.
They see it as, oh, it's something not really needed. Only the rich have it. No.
(45:08):
When the poor start figuring out that, oh, I probably need a coach.
And what happens if I start getting coached and I start getting out of the, out of the poor house,
all of a sudden, people are gonna become a lot more
accepting of what coaches can do, and coaches have been doing this for thousands and thousands of years. It's just, like I said,
(45:29):
last twenty plus years has been called coaching.
When in all reality, it's we've always had it. We've had people who we turn to for help on certain I mean, we've been writing books, self help books for forever.
What are those self help,
authors doing?
They're
coaching their clients.
(45:49):
It's what I do. If you wanna have see what coach being coached by me is like,
then reach out. Go go to relaxedmail.com
forward slash try coaching
and put in a time to schedule a time.
And you will have,
in all reality,
a month
(46:10):
of free coaching.
How many coaches do you know is actually gonna tell you that? Get coached by me for a full month. Wow.
And, no, it is actually free. Well, no, it's not actually free. It's gonna cost you about an hour of your time, four hours of your month.
So what it's gonna it's gonna be an hour of us talking,
me making suggestions,
(46:30):
and you
executing them. We'll see.
Am I
worthy to work with you? I don't know. We have to wait. We have to see. So to do so, again, relaxed mail, mail is in a dude,
relaxed
mail dot com slash
try coaching, all one word,
(46:50):
schedule a time,
and we'll go from there.
It's a simple
little three step process is all it is
because
it's all you have to do, relax mail
Com / try coaching.
And then
next step is
(47:12):
schedule a time.
The final step is show up at that time. And that last step is a scary one to do because I get a lot of people whose, whose schedule,
not very many
actually
are a man of their word. Oh, I wanna show up at this time. Oh, well, I'm, well, I'm not no. I don't I've got other things I gotta do.
(47:32):
That's cool.
There's no skin off my back. You're the one who's letting yourself down.
You can have the life you want. You can stop sitting on the couch for the past three years. You can start
leaning into life and embracing
all the wonders that it has. Go on all the adventures.
You see those guys who are doing the crazy stuff and having a good time.
(47:55):
You could do that too.
You just have to decide that you wanna do it.
And to be able to do that, you've gotta
go in you've gotta go in and do the hard stuff, like actually
scheduling a time and then showing up.
So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. Again, if there was anything in here that resonated with you, got you to think of a of a brother
(48:16):
who could really stand to hear hear this, this this message,
send it over to them.
All of our podcast apps these days have a share button. Hit that share button. Share this episode with them and
just send us a text message.
And then tell them, hey, man. I'm just thinking of you.
Thought you might like this,
(48:38):
and let them hear.
Might surprise them and have them realize, holy smokes. This is what I've been needing to hear
to get myself
in gear so I can stop spinning my wheels.
So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. If y'all take if y'all have any comments, questions,
please, send an email over to brianwithay@relaxmail.com.
(49:00):
And, also, just real quick before I go and I completely forget,
if you have if you listen to the show and you have any, if you like to be able to help this show become better,
then please go to relaxedmail.com/survey.
And take it's a little 25 question survey.
(49:20):
Take, answer the question and the questions and let let me know what you think of the show so far. What do you think needs to be changed? Does it need to grow? Does it need to shrink down in some time?
Is the the variation times around twenty to thirty minutes a good time, or does it need to be longer? Does it need to be shorter?
Do I need more guests, less guests, things like that? Let me know, and we will and and I'll apply it. So, guys, with that, I wanna say thanks again for listening. Y'all take care.
(49:49):
Till next week.
Just a real quick note on this, coming episode. If you hear me talk about episode two six two and referring it to this particular episode, it's actually two six three that we're on.
So, I I I've been messed up. So anyhow, so today we're talking about how do we get ourselves
unstuck. We have a question of the month, and we are getting into the minutia
(00:24):
of what holds us still, why our fears keep us in places that we are, and what steps do we need to do to get ourselves up off the couch and doing something, going on a new adventure that will propel us into the world that we want. We're gonna be talking about this that this week on episode two sixty three of The Relaxed Male. This is The Relaxed Male.
(00:48):
The show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
Join the host certified coach Brian Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
Hey man. Hello, and welcome to the show today. We're talking, we've got question of the month day, today. And so we're talking about what happens if you have just been stuck
(01:18):
with after your divorce.
Divorce is done and you've just been there. You've done nothing with yourself after that.
We're kinda look at that why
and and kinda delve into
a little bit more of of the,
the the thoughts and the mindsets of what's causing that. And then
what steps? How do you need to actually get yourself
(01:41):
out of that particular rut down the road so that you can actually become
a productive
citizen again.
Find
a love that will actually
bring you joy and happiness again,
and will actually be willing to go on the rest of this adventure that you've even started.
Now if you anytime during the show, you have a question, you hear something that, that resonates with you, causes a, cause you to kinda,
(02:08):
Hey.
Let's
send that out. Take that that,
this episode and share it out with your friends, your family on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
wherever it is that you wanna wanna send it to. But also
take it take it and share it onto, as a text message. You can share this out, and we will I would love to be able to let folks know that, hey. We've got this, this this group
(02:35):
of men who are becoming better men by learning how to just
freaking breathe already
and and learn that life is actually wonderful. No matter what happens,
it's your choice as to how you wanna make it look.
And so
if you have any comments, questions, or anything like that for me, you can send me an email over brianwithay@relaxmail.com
(02:58):
or go to relax mail dot com forward slash contact.
And either both of those ways will get a message
over to me. So
now
I wanted to go ahead and jump
just face first into this question.
Because first off, the question is this.
(03:20):
Now
I am feeling alone. I got a divorce I got divorced three years ago,
and
I want a new journey in my life, like
finding new friends, starting a new business, etcetera.
What do I do? How do I get started on any of this?
And that's I mean, there's a lot. There's the judgy side of me that jumps in going, you've been sitting on your butt for three years, and, yeah, there's a lot of us who would.
(03:48):
And before you jump into that boat and going, god, man, you are been waiting three years after you that, and you're you haven't done anything?
Well, first off,
yeah. He has. And I bet you've done the same thing too.
So let's not
dog pile on this guy.
He's at least got enough guts
(04:10):
to to answer out and ask a question. Go, dude,
I've been kinda stuck.
I've been sitting in the same routine
for
for forever
now. I have been, you know, stuck in Groundhog Day for three years.
What do I do?
First off, what I would actually recommend if I was had this guy sitting right in front of me, and the reason why I don't have his name is because he didn't give me his name. So and that's cool. That's fine. If you wanna ask a question, you can ask a question. You can just use your email address. You can tell me. Please keep me anonymous. I'd I would I would I'll keep everybody anonymous if they if they wanna be. If they wanna share who they are, awesome.
(04:50):
They wanna just go by first name, my first name, just by last name, last name. Okay. It doesn't matter. But anyhow,
if I was had this guy said in front of me and he said that very thing to me,
first off, I would ask, what has been holding you back first?
What
is it that you're that's holding you back, keeping you from anything? And I can guarantee
(05:13):
you
it's a thought.
Now to, to break that down,
you need to understand what a thought is. A thought is,
this is the definition of what a thought is.
A thought is a sentence that forms in your mind.
That's all it is.
So when I tell say, well, what happens if you were to start a go out and just start selling whatever it is you wanna sell tomorrow?
(05:40):
All of a sudden, you have all these thoughts rattling off in your head. You're just, well, I don't have the money. I don't have the time. I don't have this. I don't have that. I can't do this. I've got to what if I what's my wife gonna say? What's the kids gonna say? What if I fail? What if I don't fail? What if I what if I get successful? What if I don't get successful?
I've first gotta have a business license. First, I don't I I don't even know what it is, what steps I need to take to be able to get whatever it is that I need. And you're gonna just go your brain's just gonna rapid fire, just machine gun, all these different thoughts. Just one right after the other, and it's just gonna circle, circle, circle, circle, and you're gonna feel overwhelmed.
(06:16):
Alright?
Now why do we have all these thoughts?
Well, many times a thought is created as a means to keep you safe and warm on the couch.
Let's go, outside with no clothes on in
minus,
minus three degrees with a 30 mile an hour wind.
You're going to freeze to death on in that type of environment,
(06:40):
or even worse, you know, it it's 35 degrees outside with a 30 mile an hour wind, and it's raining.
Okay?
You're going
to freeze to death
fairly quickly
in that type of environment. So your brain is doing what it's supposed to do. It's like, well, you need to first get dressed. And then that's kind of a pain under it. It wants to keep you safe. It wants to keep safe and warm on the couch, watching Netflix,
(07:05):
doing nothing because it knows you're not gonna die sitting there, except for the fact that you will die
sitting there.
It's so good at getting you to be protected that it protects you from being healthy.
We are flawed in that manner.
Now it'll come up with, all these different lies or excuses
(07:25):
as a means to protect you. And those that all those thoughts that rattled off
as to why you probably shouldn't be starting up a business right off the bat tomorrow and start selling whatever it is you wanna be selling right first thing
tomorrow. It's a it's a means to just keep you
from doing something that will get you either thrown out of the out of the village
(07:47):
or killed in some way.
Because our brain
is motivated by three things and three
very distinct
things.
It wants to avoid pain, wants to seek pleasure, and it wants to do it as efficiently as possible.
Learning something new,
doing going out, getting rejected because if you're trying to sell a widget, you're gonna come to a lot of people who don't like that widget.
(08:12):
Alright?
So anytime you try to sell that widget to them, I'm not gonna go, dude, I don't care for that bullcrap. Look. Get out of here. You're gonna see people have no soliciting signs, and you're gonna go, oh, well, I probably don't need to go in there, except that would really be what their, what their business really truly needs is what you're selling.
So do you ignore that no solicitor sign
(08:34):
and go on in, or do you run the chance of them yelling at you and you're running you out of the out of the store?
That's a big scary question, isn't it? So you're avoiding pain. Well, it's it's easier to sit here and act like you're doing something. I kinda run into this problem right now. I'm seeking too much pleasure.
Let's do the podcast. Let's do the,
(08:56):
let's do a blog post.
What else do we need to do? Oh, well, I I don't know. Let's just and we'll kinda wander off. Alright? So avoid pain, seek pleasure, and let's do this as efficiently as possible.
Alright? That right there is let's go into autopilot. All of a sudden, you gotta engage your brain and think about, well, what are we gonna do now? What's the next step I need to take?
(09:21):
Your brain wants to put on the brakes because it's not very efficient when it has to turn on the thinking part.
So when it comes to
why you got the, why you are still
sitting in the same place you were after you got divorced for three years,
you're gonna have to do a lot of introspection.
(09:42):
Why
are you holding back? What has been holding back? And so you're gonna wanna grab a notebook.
Alright?
As everything. I love notebooks. Notebooks are great. Grab a writing ink pen too. Not something you can just easily erase. If you screw up, alright, run a line through it and do it again.
(10:03):
Alright?
But write down. Put your thoughts. Write the topic down across the top. Alright?
Why have I
been unproductive for three months or three years?
You write that across the top. Why? And now
write and just line after line of all these sentences as to why. You can write cohesive sentences if you want, or you can just write individual sentences.
(10:28):
You know,
is lost, feeling bad for myself,
didn't trust women.
Women are are are horrible, terrible people.
Whatever it is, what all your thoughts, concerns,
insights, why cats aren't why we don't have pink cats running around, why there's no purple dogs,
all these questions, all the questions that pertain to
(10:51):
the topic at the top of the sheet.
When you have run out of thoughts about that,
then
you could start
going through
and write and answer every single one of those
those particular,
responses.
I was afraid
(11:12):
of getting started. Well, why were you afraid?
Because I don't wanna get rejected. What's wrong with being rejected?
Well, nothing's wrong with being rejected. It's just not fun.
Well, what's gonna happen if you get rejected? Well, probably nothing.
Are you sure? Yeah. Then why is there something afraid to be in rejected? And you can work through all of those and start building a lot of introspection
(11:37):
and see
what it is that really hung you up for three years. What is it that snagged your big toe and wouldn't let it go?
Examine
every single one of the excuses
and reasons
and and supposed
thoughts that you or no, they're not supposed. They're all thoughts, but supposed reasons
(11:59):
you
haven't, haven't taken a step.
What is it about the new journey
that you want?
And we're gonna break into those here in a moment.
But once you have those down and you understand
how
you were avoiding pain, seeking pleasure, and doing
whatever it was as efficiently as possible, you start to see why
(12:21):
a lot of the times you're hitting the, I don't knows.
All right. Now I don't know. And there's a there's these things called indulgent thoughts and indulgent emotions. I don't know is a very, very indulgent
thought.
Because
when you say, I don't know,
why why were you not,
(12:41):
doing anything after after three years? I don't know.
You've just allowed your brain to put a big old
stop sign in front of all the progresses that you've been doing,
and
you're not your brain's not even gonna try.
Why? Because you've accepted the fact that you don't know. I don't know. How am I supposed to find out, know the answer to something if I don't know what the answer is?
(13:05):
Well, there's a little hack to that.
And that is, what if you did know? What would you say? No matter how dumb and stupid your brain's telling you, don't say don't answer that. Don't answer that. Because if you answer that, you're gonna sound stupid. Well, who are you talking to? You're only talking to yourself.
So you're gonna sound stupid to yourself. It's your are you gonna kick yourself out of your own village?
(13:28):
It's a village of one.
No matter where you go, you're gonna you're you're the village. Your village is going there.
So, no, you can't actually kick yourself out of your own village because, well, you are the village.
But your brain will try to convince you
very eloquently too by might I add
that
(13:49):
answering the what if you did know
question
is gonna put you into harm's way,
and it will because it will tell your brain we're not listening to I don't know excuse anymore.
Do not buy
the I don't know. Alright? Anytime you can jump you hear your brain say, I don't know,
(14:11):
The next question
always
has to be, but what if I did know? And you're gonna feel those gears
slam stop shut for a couple seconds because the I don't know was supposed to be sand in the gears. And it's like,
oh,
damn it. So let's keep going then. There's a lot
(14:32):
of
uncertainty
with anything that you do, and that's what a lot of people have is they just don't know
what they they wanna guarantee. Well, you don't have a you're not even guaranteed to open your eyes up every day.
But yet you open your eyes up and you go on in today like it's supposed to have happened.
(14:52):
You don't even have any gratitude for the fact that for the past three years, you've opened your eyes every single day
going, Hey,
all right, I'm awake. I'm going. Let's do this.
So
now,
so what do you do? How do you how do you
start a new journey in your life?
Start finding friends, start a new business, things like that.
(15:16):
Alright?
Actions you need to take.
First and foremost, before you do
anything
else with your life,
you wanna work on those four pillars.
Alright?
These four pillars will guarantee
you success
in just about every endeavor you do.
(15:36):
Alright?
First off,
the man's mind. You're just keep learning, always learning, always growing more know developing more knowledge, and
imparting
that knowledge
onto everything you, everything you do. Alright?
What is it you wanna learn about? That's up to you.
I recommend that it be whatever it is you want to whatever your your soul tells you,
(16:03):
but, you know,
it may be cowboys and Indians
for all all we care. Alright? Maybe you have an interest in welding,
but
you
are reading about the best ways to form
build a house out of Legos.
I don't know.
Why? If it draws you to it, okay.
(16:23):
If it helps you
to get even better at whatever it is you're wanting to learn,
that's even better.
But a lot of times, just starting to learn something, anything, anything at all
is
what you wanna do.
So work on your mind, build your mind up, start reading books,
(16:45):
Start listening to podcast. Hey. You're listening to a podcast. Congratulations. You're working on your mind a little bit.
Expand that learning, though.
Go to conferences.
Yeah. They're expensive, man. You're right. So you're gonna have to save up. You're probably gonna have to do a little bit of something called discomfort
and give up some Starbucks coffee. If you're doing $5 or $6 a cup of coffee, then, man, I tell you, you can get yourself a Mr. Coffee for $20,
(17:15):
a can of coffee for 10. There's 30, so you maybe have gotten
four days
into,
into coffee,
and you could actually have
several
cups of coffee
on the first day,
and they will provide you more caffeine,
more
(17:35):
coffee
in a single serving
for less
money.
Because, I mean, I get
all week long, we can take one of the small cans of, of coffee, cost us 7 $67,
you know, Folgers, the, you know, French silk style coffee.
I think it's like $7.08, maybe $8 if the if the coffee beans for whatever reasons,
(18:00):
prices rise
rise, and
we can have that last a week and a half.
And that's me and my wife,
mainly my wife having one pot of coffee
every day, then on the weekends, having two, three
pots of coffee because, well, I'm home, and I get to drink all the coffee I want.
I don't have to stop at a truck stop to get a cup of coffee. So
(18:23):
but
that coffee
in that amount is a lot cheaper. You can find
ways
and change your habits that are not serving you.
So again,
they'll work on the man's mind.
Find ways to achieve what it is you want. To get to, get to a conference,
then, yeah,
(18:45):
stop going to getting the bougie coffee that's actually not all that freaking good, honestly. It's probably so highly processed.
It barely even rates as coffee.
And go get yourself some real coffee. It's ground up. You run some hot water through it and poof, voila, it's good.
Oh, you want a little cute little, cream in it? Okay. Well, then go buy some half and half. Put a little half and half in there. Oh, you like the bougie? You like the flavors? You like the Irish cream or the hazelnut flavoring? Alright. Well, go get your sell some go to the
(19:17):
to the refrigeration, the dairy aisle, and they've got, you know, Carnation creamers. It's
highly processed
fake milk too. So, I mean, what difference does it make? You're still saving a crap ton of money.
So you can save money so that you can go to expensive conferences
(19:38):
just to be able to get yourself smarter.
Put your mind to it. You can accomplish whatever it is you want.
Work on the man's mind.
Second thing is get your butt into shape. Alright? Get into shape. Start eating better, eating cleaner.
You don't even have to eat nothing. You don't even have to ditch meats. I recommend eating meats. I think we are we're
(20:01):
animals
that are designed to eat
animal flesh,
especially if it's charred animal flesh, even better.
You know, that is what we want need to eat. Why our body is designed to process animal proteins and animal fats.
Do we also need to have vegetables in our body? Yeah. Because we're omnivores.
(20:25):
We eat plants. We eat
we eat animals.
That's what we're meant to do. Don't believe me? Look at a vegan skin.
Look how crappy they look.
Then look at somebody who eats meat
and look how healthier they look their skin looks.
That's what happens when you do not put in animal proteins and fats into your diet.
(20:50):
Also, exercise.
Yeah. Get out there. Walk.
Maybe fifteen if you wanna be known as a walker, walk at least fifteen minutes a day. Get around to be identifying yourself as a man who takes care of himself.
You can't go to bed until you've walked for fifteen minutes. Maybe it's around the living room for fifteen. You have to walk fifteen minutes straight.
(21:11):
That's what you tell yourself. You will believe that eventually.
Maybe you start instead of doing, fifteen minutes walking, you start suddenly start doing forty five minutes worth of exercise.
You do thirty minutes worth of burpees and then
bunch of setups and push ups and then walk. Just whatever, you know, whatever it is for forty five minutes.
(21:33):
Get yourself into shape. Let people around you
start seeing that you actually give a crap about who you are.
Alright? A lot of times we get out of shape. Yeah. We don't look like we take care of ourselves. We look like crap. And so when we don't treat ourselves as high quality people,
we're not going to have high quality people around us.
(21:56):
You wanna start attracting high quality people into your life and build up the man's community, you're gonna have to start showing them you've got drive. You your body
looks like somebody who gives a crap about their themselves.
You dress as if you give a crap about yourself.
You have learned
all that you can learn so that you look like you don't, you don't
(22:20):
give a crap about yourself or you that you do give a crap about yourself. You don't you haven't given up on yourself.
Then you wanna work on your soul. And this was tough
because this one,
the women actually have a huge head start on us
because they have had
a lot of women
(22:40):
writers
talk about this. This is something that a lot of women writers have sat down and have
talked about in many ways because there's all these different stories about women who have gone out to find themselves.
And us guys are standing around going, what does that even freaking mean?
That means they have found
(23:01):
their purpose.
That means they have found what they're supposed they believe they're supposed to do. That is what feeds your soul. What feeds your soul is what drives you
to become better. What drives you
to have
the life that you,
that you want? What drives you?
(23:23):
Doesn't matter whether you make money or not.
Maybe
it dry you are driven to take care of the poor,
the homeless.
Okay? You're not ever gonna get rich doing it because you're giving all your money away to the poor, but that's okay. That's not the important part.
Maybe your purpose is to help make sure that every man
(23:45):
realizes that his life is as important
as as
what he believes it is.
Maybe every man's life is so damn important that every man
needs to
to reach
for the greatest
heights of of life possible.
What if your life
(24:07):
is so
incredible
that you
actually have the ability
to find a woman
that loves you completely
without any questions.
Is that possible?
Why, why isn't it?
What if you
don't have to be
so damn stressed out?
(24:29):
What?
Yeah.
What if you could relax
and learn,
work on your body,
do what you're meant to do
and have
friends
to do it with?
And that's what the fourth pillar is, is the man's community.
What if you
do you have
(24:50):
six friends that you meet on a weekly basis?
Doesn't mean y'all are sitting around in a circle facing each other,
you know, sharing problems. Y'all just meet. Y'all live life intentionally
at least once a week.
Maybe it's every Tuesday after Tuesday after work. Y'all all get together. Y'all sit down. Y'all talk.
(25:10):
Y'all,
shoot pool. Y'all play cards. Y'all hollow out a a a log and turn it into,
into a canoe.
Y'all have a project that y'all do
once a week for three hours.
What if that?
What if you had that?
You had,
say, six men who were equally driven, if not more driven, than what you are.
(25:35):
Jim Rohn
famously said, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. I like to modify that with, you are the average of the five people you spend the most intentional
time with.
I also grew up hearing, show me your friends. I will show you your future.
Now this was often said to me because I would hang depending on who I was hanging out at that time. It told me whether my mom and grandparents
(26:02):
approved of who I was hanging out with. If I was hanging out with someone they deemed kinda sketchy and stuff, then I would be hearing this.
If I ended up hearing, not hearing that while I was hanging out with somebody, that's probably a good peep person.
Show me your friends, show your future.
Find
quality
driven
friends, and they will help lift you up. And you being a part of their friends will actually you will be able to help lift them up too.
(26:31):
So you wanna work on those
four pillars to start off with before you do anything else.
So you may end up taking two, three years of just getting your mind, body, soul, and community under,
built and shored up.
But the key part of that is you do
not
rush. If you're sitting there going, oh, I'm wasting my time. I'm wasting my time. I'm wasting my time. That's a lot of dirty thinking that you're doing. You're you're you're trashing your whole line of thoughts, thought process up, and you're getting yourself all
(27:02):
tensed up. You've gotta learn to relax a little bit, man. You've got all the time in the world. You live longer when you relax.
So breathe, brother.
Best way I could put it is just breathe.
But once you get
those four pillars
fairly well
dialed in,
got them pretty you're not ever gonna be a % on any of them. You your mind, you're gonna be you may end up not learning quite as much because you're focused in on the body. Or maybe you're focused in on soul, and so your body's really taking a hit, but you're still learning a little bit, and you've got a good set of friends.
(27:40):
Alright?
It's gonna happen. Nothing's ever balanced. You're gonna work on one little more, and the other three are gonna take a little bit of a hit, and then that'll come down and it'll even out. And all of a sudden, your body will takes, be able to focus, and it's gonna
fade fade back down, and then this will be your mind and your soul and back to the community. And it's all just gonna kinda average out that you're improving yourself.
(28:03):
So once you've got that,
what do you do then? Well, let's break down those three questions that you have.
Been divorced for three years and wanna start a new journey. Sweet. Awesome.
What you have to do is you have to have a plan,
and then here's the hardest part the hardest step in the world
and execute it.
(28:24):
We like to dream. We can dream all day along. I mean, oh, yeah. I could you know, all this.
Executing that dream
is tough.
Very, very tough. And so you're going to have to
work at it, fail at it, talk to your friends about it, try it again,
fail at it again, talk to your friends. This is one reason why you want the men's community. The men's community is quite possibly the most important pillar
(28:53):
out of all four pillars.
Though all four pillars are highly important. There might the man's community might just be just a little bit more
important because it drives
you getting better with your soul,
getting better with your body, getting better with your mind,
being able to actually
(29:13):
execute
and do an after action review.
So
been divorced for three years. Do you wanna start a new journey?
Awesome.
Great.
What does the new journey look like?
Describe it. Get deep and that notebook we were talking about before, you have a page.
New journey.
(29:34):
Plan of action.
What are you going to do? What does that look like? First off, what's the vision? What does a new journey look like? What is the destination?
I just wanna go on a new journey. No. That's not gonna work. A new journey go it could be just going to the car and back. Congratulations. You just had a new journey.
(29:54):
Hoopla. You've you've
take something off your list.
We wanna get specific. Alright, man?
You've sat for three years. You've let your
your adventure button get or adventure muscle get a little old, a little rusty, a little you got a little bit of,
of, atrophy going on. So you're gonna have to start stretching them muscles out. Alright? You can get the muscles going good and strong. Yes. I know this actually muscles, but I've always loved calling them muscles. So, hey. Alright. That's me.
(30:27):
Stretch
and work
those muscles out,
and
try to get, try something, try something new, try something that scares the bejesus out of you
and have that the goal.
Make that the goal of the whole, the whole,
the whole point. How do you
(30:47):
blank? What does blank look like?
Get as
look,
touch, smell,
sound.
Get all the details.
Engage all your senses. What does it feel like under your hands? What does it feel like to sit on? What does it feel like what does it smell like? You know, describe the smell.
What does it look like? Is it green, red,
(31:11):
blue? Is it striped? Is it star color? Does it have candy? You know, whatever. What colors there are to it?
Describe them colors because you want to have a firm vision in your head.
Then
on that plan,
how do you get
to your goal? And your brain's gonna come up with as many excuses as to why you can't.
(31:33):
Well, you don't know what's the next step, but any of the steps are. Yeah. You do. You actually do. You may not know all of them,
but you may know the first
four or five.
So what's the first step? What's that second step? What's that third step? What's that fourth step? And you may take the first step and go, oh, wait a minute. There's actually a 1.5
that goes in here.
Or you may take that first step and go, oh, wait a minute. There's two steps before I do this one. I need to get these two done. Let's do those two so we can get to that first step.
(32:03):
And then let's take that one step point that 1.5
step, 1.75
step,
and then let's do
step
two. Step three
may have 47 extra steps in there, but you're taking each of those steps.
And once you get to the third step, all of a sudden you might go, oh, yeah. Now I need to have you know, there's step four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 17, 18, 90 five, you know, and you keep going
(32:32):
until you reach what that goal is. Now I make it sound like it's stupid easy
because
talk is the easy part.
Getting
your mind
engaged
to take that step is the scary part,
and I'm not saying anything on a new journey
is
easy. Taking a new journey, starting a new journey. Remember, you've got that motivational triad, avoid playing, seek pleasure, and do it as efficiently as possible
(33:01):
because doing anything in here is not gonna be avoiding pain. It's gonna be painful. It's gonna be awkward because you're going to fail early. You're gonna fail often,
and that's okay.
But those failures
are not pleasurable,
and they're rather painful. So you're hitting two,
violating two motivational,
(33:23):
two of the motivational triads
right off the bat. And in all reality, you're actually doing three because it is not efficient learning something new.
You have to utilize the full power of your brain
to learn something new.
You have to build
new synapses
to run to get over to the,
(33:44):
over to the what is the hippocampus that your your habit center to get to the habit center of your mind
so that your habit center go, oh, yeah. I know what we're doing here. Well, let's just do this, and brain can go into low power mode again.
When it's having to learn, it's not low power. So it's
it's going in straight head first into pain. It's not pleasurable,
(34:05):
and it's being highly
inefficient
because it's having to burn a whole lot of energy. And what happens if you don't need to later on? Then you're gonna die. You know? That whole thing. It your brain,
for the love of itself,
is going to try to scare you.
But you're going to rinse and repeat. Take a step. Come back to that step. Take a step. Try it again. Take a step, try it again. Take a step, try it again. Take a step, try it again. Take, take, take, take until
(34:32):
you've taken steps, try it again, succeeded,
and arrived
at where you wanna go. So how do you find friends?
Same way. Let's we break that down.
What type of friend do you want?
Well, just want good friends. Well, what's a good friend?
You want someone to cover your ass if you happen to go break a law? Is that really a good friend?
(34:55):
No.
Someone that will lie for you, take a take a a,
you know, go to jail for you. No. That's probably not a good friend. Someone who is
noble,
someone who has
what you want,
not that you're coveting them,
but they're showing you what they're able to do. Maybe they're they are business.
(35:19):
Maybe they are successful in church. Maybe they're they've got our their own,
their own stuff going on.
They have a family that's a loving family.
Okay.
What is it that they're doing that you want?
And how can you copy that? Well, to copy that and to be able to learn from them,
(35:40):
become their friends. How do you do that? Well, you say, hey, man. How you doing?
Blah blah blah blah.
Like to get one, trying to get some guys together. I just wanna know, would you be able to come be able to join
up? My off the bat, he may say, no. Not really.
I am getting a group of guys together. I'd like to see if he can join up. Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
(36:01):
Let me know when it starts.
Okay. It's all on you then. And, yeah, you're all if you're trying to put a bunch of friends and guys together,
it's all on you. Don't try trying to pass the buck off to somebody else because they're not gonna get the type of friends you want.
They're going to get the type of friends they want.
Alright?
(36:22):
So how do you find friends? You rinse and repeat that. You find five to six guys that you
like,
that
you want to, to emulate. Maybe you've got a guy who's successful in business, and you find four others
that want to be successful in business. They're all in different phases of of business work.
(36:44):
K?
But that guy that's successful in business, he struggles with having
a decent marriage.
Well, congratulations. Y'all both struggled in with, having a a decent marriage. Yours failed completely. His is starting to fail. But you've got Clarence over here who's been married for twenty eight years straight.
(37:05):
Every man
will be able to help each other.
Even if he is a guy who's also failed in marriage, he will have a different view than you on how to help
your buddy
shore up his
his. And I can tell you exactly. If all all of y'all are working on your four pillars, you're going to strengthen your marriage
(37:26):
because you're going to grow. When you're growing, you're not gonna have the roommate syndrome in in play.
And again so if he wants to if you wanna start a new business
like our questioner did,
so what are you wanting to do?
Many people, you ask them what type of business they wanna do, and they're going, oh, I don't know. I just want to thought it'd be kinda cool to start a business. Well, you kinda know what what business you're gonna run.
(37:52):
Alright?
So
what do you wanna be in business with?
And go from there. So you have to know what it what the target is. This is why you have to visualize. You have to focus in on what it is you wanna do
and be okay with the fact that you're going to be failing early, failing often, and you're going to fail until you get successful.
(38:13):
Because you may have an idea. Well, I'm gonna start selling bureauses
from door to door. Alright. Sweet. Great.
You do that,
but no one buys any because they don't know what a bureaus is. Well,
Then you have to go off and well, how do you teach them what a bureaus is?
Well, it's like a kolache
except
(38:34):
it's hamburger meat and cabbage in a roll instead and and and, wrapped in dough instead of just a sausage.
And then you go in Texas, and they're gonna tell you, so that's not a that's not a kolaches. That's a Klobuch snack. Klobuchies are rolls that have got a glob of jelly in the middle.
Uh-huh. Okay.
So you're gonna fail by and get better. But to do a start a business, you've gotta take
(38:57):
time. Maybe
kolache biz door to door kolache salesman
doesn't cut the mustard,
but you learn something from that.
And so
you decide you want to be, I don't know,
where would you go after a failed kolache business?
I didn't take this step out very well, did I?
(39:20):
But, hey. So
maybe the next thing you wanna do is you you fold up your your kolache business and you decide you wanna go
dog walking.
Again, I don't I don't know. I I didn't put a whole lot of thought into my good job on the podcast prep there, Brian.
But you take
the whole
skills that you learn from your door to door salesmanship and you apply it to dog walking.
(39:46):
Okay?
Well, you notice that most of the people that walk the dogs are
are not all that interested in paying as much as you need them to pay. So how do you up that? Well, maybe it's you get more people,
or maybe it's
you fold the dog walking business, go into something else.
(40:07):
You take the sales that you've learned from there and you apply it to there, and you keep building upon
your
fail failures until you find out what it is that you're liking to do. Now one of the keys is, as again, if you're working on your soul
and you find out what really
gets your juices flowing, there's probably a business located somewhere in there
(40:30):
that will help you become
very successful.
And that's based on the whole Japanese
ikigai type,
line of philosophy that somewhere in there, you've got your,
you've got your purpose.
Your purpose
feeds
you,
and you can make a living
by doing, you know, by doing what what feeds your soul. I've mentioned you'd be doing something that lights you, lights you on fire, light
(40:58):
gives you that that drive. That drive attracts people.
And all of a sudden they're so maybe you like doing
metalworking.
Alright. There's a good manly bit
manly,
hobby.
Maybe people like your
your steak turner. You've got the just the way that you've
(41:18):
bent that in around and into a kind of a quarter corkscrew
so people can flip their sticks the stakes real fast.
It's a really great idea. And you, you know, you're in a place that no one's ever seen that before. You're like, oh, it's amazing.
And so all of a sudden, you start selling a whole bunch of steak flippers
because
you care so much about your metalworking.
(41:40):
You put
so much
effort,
passion,
and attention into the metal
that the quality of your work shines through. And people see that, and they like that in that quality, and so they're willing to buy from it. And so maybe who knows? Maybe that's what it is you need to start a new business. Again, but those four pillars
will help you in every step of the way. Because if you're if you find what you're excited about,
(42:06):
you're gonna be studying
about what's
what excites you. So you're going to end up if you're into metallurgy and you're into into
blacksmithing, you're gonna be reading books about blacksmithing. You're gonna read be reading books about the history of blacksmithing, and what's the best way of getting stuff,
done with blacksmithing? How's the best way to to weld,
(42:29):
you know, two metal,
two different metals together,
and you don't have a welder? Alright. Well, maybe it's actually pounding everything together.
You're gonna find
the answer
because
your soul
is crazy about that.
So, but again, one of the big parts about anything you do, whatever new journey it is, how whether it's finding friends, starting a new business,
(42:55):
finding new love, finding a new girlfriend,
all of those
requires you to be okay with failing.
And that might be what's caused you to sit on your butt for three years.
Is that, I don't know. I'm I don't wanna fail.
Well, you've gotta stop worrying about failing.
Failing's not going it's gonna hurt your ego.
(43:18):
It's gonna hurt your pride. It's not gonna hurt you.
Alright?
The more you do what needs to be done,
the better
you're going to get at it.
You have to have the courage
to do something
until you become competent at it. And once you become competent at it,
(43:39):
you're gonna become skilled at it,
but you have to be brave enough
to do
first. I mean, that's all there is to it. You have to be brave enough to at least start.
And sitting on the couch,
complaining about it's not gonna fix it.
Sitting at in in your in your den,
(43:59):
playing video games, and you sitting there going, well, I don't really need to be doing something. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Well, then what if you did know?
Get rid of the I don't know.
Get around
realizing when you're in an indulgent mode and then
get out of it.
If you need help
getting out of it, if you need help getting anywhere in there, then
(44:23):
reach out to me.
Brianwithay@relaxmail.com.
Let me know what the issue is. Well, I don't mind coaching you. If you wanna have see what it's like getting coached by me because I could I get it, guys.
What happens if you tell people find out you're getting you're getting help from a life coach? Oh, well, you can't live life on your own. You gotta be coached through it.
(44:43):
Yeah, man. I do. There's nothing wrong with getting coached. Alright? Nothing wrong with getting it's called it's called mentorship. Alright? We used to call it mentorship. We used to call it leadership.
It's just called a different name now. And people are struggling with going, oh, well,
look at you.
They see it as, oh, it's something not really needed. Only the rich have it. No.
(45:08):
When the poor start figuring out that, oh, I probably need a coach.
And what happens if I start getting coached and I start getting out of the, out of the poor house,
all of a sudden, people are gonna become a lot more
accepting of what coaches can do, and coaches have been doing this for thousands and thousands of years. It's just, like I said,
(45:29):
last twenty plus years has been called coaching.
When in all reality, it's we've always had it. We've had people who we turn to for help on certain I mean, we've been writing books, self help books for forever.
What are those self help,
authors doing?
They're
coaching their clients.
(45:49):
It's what I do. If you wanna have see what coach being coached by me is like,
then reach out. Go go to relaxedmail.com
forward slash try coaching
and put in a time to schedule a time.
And you will have,
in all reality,
a month
(46:10):
of free coaching.
How many coaches do you know is actually gonna tell you that? Get coached by me for a full month. Wow.
And, no, it is actually free. Well, no, it's not actually free. It's gonna cost you about an hour of your time, four hours of your month.
So what it's gonna it's gonna be an hour of us talking,
me making suggestions,
(46:30):
and you
executing them. We'll see.
Am I
worthy to work with you? I don't know. We have to wait. We have to see. So to do so, again, relaxed mail, mail is in a dude,
relaxed
mail dot com slash
try coaching, all one word,
(46:50):
schedule a time,
and we'll go from there.
It's a simple
little three step process is all it is
because
it's all you have to do, relax mail
Com / try coaching.
And then
next step is
(47:12):
schedule a time.
The final step is show up at that time. And that last step is a scary one to do because I get a lot of people whose, whose schedule,
not very many
actually
are a man of their word. Oh, I wanna show up at this time. Oh, well, I'm, well, I'm not no. I don't I've got other things I gotta do.
(47:32):
That's cool.
There's no skin off my back. You're the one who's letting yourself down.
You can have the life you want. You can stop sitting on the couch for the past three years. You can start
leaning into life and embracing
all the wonders that it has. Go on all the adventures.
You see those guys who are doing the crazy stuff and having a good time.
(47:55):
You could do that too.
You just have to decide that you wanna do it.
And to be able to do that, you've gotta
go in you've gotta go in and do the hard stuff, like actually
scheduling a time and then showing up.
So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. Again, if there was anything in here that resonated with you, got you to think of a of a brother
(48:16):
who could really stand to hear hear this, this this message,
send it over to them.
All of our podcast apps these days have a share button. Hit that share button. Share this episode with them and
just send us a text message.
And then tell them, hey, man. I'm just thinking of you.
Thought you might like this,
(48:38):
and let them hear.
Might surprise them and have them realize, holy smokes. This is what I've been needing to hear
to get myself
in gear so I can stop spinning my wheels.
So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. If y'all take if y'all have any comments, questions,
please, send an email over to brianwithay@relaxmail.com.
(49:00):
And, also, just real quick before I go and I completely forget,
if you have if you listen to the show and you have any, if you like to be able to help this show become better,
then please go to relaxedmail.com/survey.
And take it's a little 25 question survey.
(49:20):
Take, answer the question and the questions and let let me know what you think of the show so far. What do you think needs to be changed? Does it need to grow? Does it need to shrink down in some time?
Is the the variation times around twenty to thirty minutes a good time, or does it need to be longer? Does it need to be shorter?
Do I need more guests, less guests, things like that? Let me know, and we will and and I'll apply it. So, guys, with that, I wanna say thanks again for listening. Y'all take care.
(49:49):
Till next week.
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