February 6, 2025 • 41 mins
In this week's episode of The Relaxed Male, we delve into the common struggles men face when trying to improve their relationships, particularly with their wives. Host Bryan Goodwin, a certified coach, explores the barriers that hold men back from living the fulfilling life they desire. He discusses the motivational triad that keeps us in our comfort zones, the fear of failure, rejection, and even success, and how these fears prevent us from taking necessary actions.
Bryan shares his personal experiences and insights on why New Year's resolutions often fail by February, and how we can overcome the inertia that keeps us from pursuing our goals. He emphasizes the importance of stepping out of our comfort zones, embracing discomfort as a currency for the life we want, and taking intentional actions towards our goals.
The episode also touches on the concept of indulgent emotions like worry and confusion, and how they can lead to mental spin, preventing us from making progress. Brian encourages listeners to confront their self-doubt, and past thinking, and to take actionable steps towards their objectives, whether it's improving their marriage or achieving personal success.
Listeners are invited to try a free month of coaching to help them break through their barriers and start living intentionally. Bryan offers practical advice on how to take the first steps toward change, emphasizing the need to write down goals and take action despite fear and discomfort.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Bryan Goodwin (00:00):
Alright.
It's February now. And why are you still waiting to have that better relationship with your wife? I'm talking about that this week on episode 261
of the relaxed male. This is the relaxed male.
A show that comes to you each week, helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
(00:26):
Join the host certified coach Brian Goodwin as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
Hey, man. Hello, and welcome to the Relax Mail. I'm your host, Brian. And today, we're talking about
what's holding you back? What is keeping you
from
(00:46):
doing what's needed
to live the life
that you're wanting to live? Live a fulfilling life with the wife that you have been dreaming of
from the time you said I do? And we have a lot of these different
excuses and reasons as to why
life keeps getting in the way. Why does
(01:09):
every man
seem to make a a a New Year's resolution
and then by today today's February.
By today,
that whole process has done, gone away. That those efforts, the try, you've already set back down your couch,
and we're not
trying to go forward anymore.
(01:30):
We may think about it from time to time and think, yeah. I probably need to start trying to do that sometime.
And I'm in the same box. I'll let you know that I'm sitting in the trenches right there with you because I have not done near as much walking as I need to be doing to lose the weight that I need to be losing. 1st 2 weeks, really good. After that, not so much. It's kind of the
(01:53):
inspiration for what this episode was about because I was I've been
examining
and trying to figure out what is it that's keeping me
planted
in the seat instead of getting up, walking around, losing weight like I've been wanting to do. What's keeping me from getting up, going out, talking to people,
(02:13):
and
telling them that I'm a life coach, and letting them know I can help them?
These are things that I've been needing to do, and I've yet to still do them. I'm still finding all everything else that I wanted I need to do
other than what actually is needing to be done.
And
(02:34):
it's
caused me to realize that, yeah, we struggle
with making changes. We've struggled
making
any really drastic change in our life.
That is because, well, we our our motivational triad
is that we
do stuff that feel good, that's pleasurable,
(02:55):
avoid pain. We don't want pain. We don't want discomfort,
and we wanna do it as easy as possible. We wanna do it on autopilot.
Okay?
When we're on autopilot, we're not burning near as much energy because, you know, if our brain is the biggest consumer
of energy. So we wanna make it run on low power mode as much as possible. Because back in the days when we were running across the Serengeti,
(03:20):
you know, an antelope that we come across weren't weren't around all that much.
They were a little tough for us to run down. We had to find the ones that have gone off and busted her leg, and maybe we could catch up to them. So our brain does not want us to use
a whole lot of of energy. Doesn't wanna doesn't wanna have to go into full power mode because, you know, we might die because we're using up all the energy just so we can think. So our we have, that motivational triad. And
(03:49):
when we're trying something new, it
takes a lot of effort.
It takes a lot of thoughts. We're burning up a lot of energy. We're gonna
we're gonna screw up from time to time, so it's really uncomfortable.
And if it's uncomfortable,
it's not pleasurable.
Everything's kinda awkward, and you're you're tripping over yourself, and you're trying to figure out how to actually say something, and it comes out bass backwards.
(04:13):
And, you know, we're
we fall over ourselves
trying to do something new. This still is even the same thing as when we're trying to improve our relationship with our wife.
Because
all of a sudden, we're
feeling really dumb and stupid because we're trying to do something romantic, you know, give her flowers. And
she's like, well, what are these for? Because I thought the Psalm and I thought of you.
(04:37):
And we're like,
okay. What does that even mean? You know? What what are we trying to say here?
And we
and we're out of that practice. And so trying to do something new
or try to recreate something that we've stopped doing a long time ago
is very uncomfortable because we're still gonna get rejected. We're still gonna get ourselves
(04:58):
shot down from time to time because we're just
we're not
proficient at doing whatever it is that we're doing.
We're not proficient,
and skilled
at
creating clients. We're not proficient and skilled at
at
getting our wife to agree to take clothes off anymore. I mean, we're we've we've been we've
(05:21):
been shot down so many times. We don't think that she's actually even interested in sex anymore.
Heck. She may not even think she's interested in sex anymore.
And so we find ourselves falling into these little grooves and and things like the roommate syndrome where we just we're not lovers anymore, or we're not
(05:41):
even so much husband and wife as we are just a couple roommates who
have the opportunity to see each other naked from time to time.
So
when we hit those points where we're, like, we're fed up, you know, end of the year, we start thinking of, what we're gonna do, what our resolutions are gonna be. We're gonna lose weight. We're gonna look great. We're gonna become fit, trim. We're gonna increase our sales by a 100%
(06:06):
or whatever. We're gonna get 50 new clients.
Whatever the thought is. We often
find ourselves
essentially kinda stuck in one form, fashion, or another,
and we
are waiting around for something. I'm waiting around because, well, I I don't have the logo just right if you're trying to do a business or, well, I'm I'm trying to find the best way to approach my wife, or I already know that she's gonna say no, so why should I try? What holds us back? What keeps us from doing the things that we want?
(06:38):
Well, there's a few items out there. There's the fear of
failing, being rejected, not being understood, success.
Yeah. Even the fear of being of success,
uncomfortable,
and we may also experience,
indulgent emotions,
do some past thinking,
(06:59):
find ourselves swallowed up in self doubt. And so, yeah, we've we have these different fears,
like a fear of failing.
We've
and this is it's a it's a,
it's a logical fear,
but
it's not a fear that needs to be holding us
firm to the ground.
(07:20):
Because what did you make
failing mean? And a lot of us will be really quick to answer. Well, it just means that we're learning.
Yeah. So why are you afraid to learn?
So what is that really making you? What are you making it mean? Or you're saying the words, and you're not really believing them. You're afraid to fail.
(07:40):
But what does failing look like?
What does
real failing
look like?
For me?
It looks like I'm going to be spend the rest of my life behind the wheel of a semi truck.
It looks like
I am
going to be the laughingstock
of my family.
(08:01):
They saw saw me do fail yet again.
These are these are big things that we're we're failing at. It's so easy to go, well, I'm still working on
the relaxed smile. I'm still working on my my business. I'm still working on this because, hey. If you're still working on it, you can have an excuse as to why you're not making any money. But are you really
(08:23):
working,
or are you just finding
things to do?
That difference between taking action
and and
just talking about it,
what's the difference between
doing the work
and busy work?
You can look busy all day long,
but you're not being productive. You're not doing
(08:45):
the work. You're not being productive productive, so you have there's a big difference between productivity and being busy,
and a lot of us spend time
being busy.
We spend a lot of time
making sure that we at least put on the airs that we're doing something.
We've done that all our whole life at work. We look we wanna look busy for the boss, so
(09:09):
we're polishing the same 2 inches 2 or 3 inches of of countertop
for 20 years. We go someplace else, and we just start all we do is we just find a new countertop that we start scrubbing on, And that's all because we're afraid to fail.
Failing is yeah. It's a it's a scary deal. It's a it's
because in, in the old days and when I say the old days, I mean, back in the ongga bunga days,
(09:36):
if you failed,
the tribe died,
or you got kicked out of the tribe.
You're supposed to go get the, get the antelope. You didn't get the antelope. You're out of here
type of thing.
You get kicked out of the tribe. You don't you get denied the the opportunity to have sex. You get,
denied the opportunity to have food.
(09:57):
You you get denied the opportunity to be protected.
You're just hanging out there with your old slung in the wind,
hoping that you don't
wondering how long it's gonna be before you're gone,
before you become the end of your,
end of your line.
And good news is is
so far, everybody in your in your ancestry
(10:19):
has succeeded
in staying alive long enough to procreate.
So besides for failing, and it's kind of a
a sublevel of failing,
something else that we are afraid of is being rejected.
And, again,
we get rejected
in marriage,
in trying to start a business,
(10:41):
and seeing about getting a
promotion,
seeing on
see if we can take on more responsibility, we're afraid we're gonna be told no.
Only two letters.
One of the scariest
two letters you'll ever come across, and it's no.
No. I don't need your I don't need your help.
(11:01):
I don't need what you're providing.
I don't need
your you to be naked right now.
Because, again, what do we make that rejection mean?
Oftentimes, when we get told no, that means you're not adequate enough for what we need,
and that is
the
(11:22):
that that's a sword a knife to the heart
for us men because that's the biggest
driver of our lives.
Am I being good enough? Am I adequate
for my family, for my community?
And when we're being rejected,
we that is us having somebody else tell us, no. You're not adequate. You're not good enough. And it hurts.
(11:49):
Not physically, but emotionally, it hurts.
It's uncomfortable.
It's not
it's not something that we wanna do. It's not pleasant. That's what causes us to
causes us to stop because it's not a motivating factor.
We're not out to seek pain. You know? Well, in all reality, actually, we are.
(12:09):
When you become
an intentional man, you start living life intentionally.
You start going through life
with
the insight that you wanna accomplish something,
you're actually out to see how many times you can
get rejected. How much of a painful life can you live? Can you live that rugged life that
(12:33):
Theodore Roosevelt talked about?
But one of the other
dangers, if you wanna call it that, that we're afraid will happen to us
is not only are we going to fail
by being rejected, but we're also might also fail by not being understood,
trying to sell you whatever product you're selling,
(12:54):
and everybody goes, no, because they don't understand how awesome this device is.
You know, how awesome is relaxed mail? How awesome is it that you might accidentally be able to have the marriage you wanna live you wanna have? How awesome would it be
for you
to be able to look at your wife
(13:16):
and be happy
and see joy
in her eyes
and not think that it's all your fault?
What would it be like if you went,
were able to have a life with your with your wife where you did what you needed to do,
and your wife
(13:37):
wasn't
worried that you were, you know,
that you were thinking of somebody else?
Or what if you
were able to live your life and not tell have to worry about calling your wife 30 times in a day to to ask her what she's doing?
What if you could let her do her thing, you do your thing, and then y'all also do y'all's thing?
(14:00):
What if you could have
the
gusto
and the confidence
to go up there,
grab her butt, and go, hey.
Wanna go get naked?
Lot of us would you hear that, and you're like, yeah. That would be nice, but it ain't gonna happen, not with my wife.
You're right.
With that thought, it's not gonna happen with your wife
(14:24):
because
you are holding yourself back.
You are holding
all of the cards
that will allow you to have an amazing life.
The problem is
that you
have been
stung a few times. You've had life come along and slap you beside the head, and you took those learning experiences because, like I said, failing is supposed to be learning, though we don't always fully believe that.
(14:54):
And we turn them into, well, let's not do that because that was uncomfortable.
I was really embarrassed at that point.
Now I hear some of you guys going, well, it's not all about you.
You're right. It's not all about us, but at the same time, it is all about us.
It's always
about
us,
(15:15):
but we run around
trying to convince people that
it's not about us.
What if you actually accepted the fact that
your fear of being rejected isn't because of you, has no bearing upon the other person? It is just it's just
a judgment that you are throwing upon yourself.
(15:37):
You not being understood,
how painful is that actually sounding to you?
We all just wanna be understood,
so all of a sudden,
we're not being understood. We're not able to sell our wares,
our desires,
our dreams to our wife,
that that's kinda painful.
The person who's supposed to understand us the most,
(15:59):
you know,
comes around and is shows that we're being highly misunderstood.
But are we?
Again, we're taking the the
idea, those things that we're afraid of, and we're making them mean something
that doesn't necessarily have to mean that.
A good example is that is a lot of us
(16:20):
are actually afraid to become successful.
I get it.
Right. You're like, what? Yeah, man. We are afraid
of success because when we become successful
think of the think of the movie stars you see who stumble
on tabloid,
newspapers.
(16:41):
How many
times have you looked at a
tabloid newspaper and went,
serves them right?
Why does that
celebrity
bother you so much?
And we come up with all excuses. Well, they I don't think they show a very good example of what guys are like, or they they're just idiots and are assholes. You you know, we come up with a with our a thought.
(17:07):
But, honestly, what it is is we're afraid.
They're
not afraid. We are
seeing the fact that they have success
that we would like to have.
It's called tall poppy syndrome.
And so if we're acting like that to people who we don't actually even know
are being successful,
(17:29):
what happens if we became successful?
What happens if we, through our hard work,
allowed us to suddenly start amassing,
say, $10,000,000
a year?
Not an excessive it's a hell of a lot of money
in in low man totem pole status, but instead of of celebrities,
(17:50):
you know, you're minimum wage now. Congratulations.
That again
combines with the be not being understood. All of a sudden, we've busted our butt. We started amassing the money.
We've done what we've needed to. We've sacrificed where we needed to sacrifice,
and now people are going, well, I don't think you really deserve all that money.
(18:12):
They start
trying to chop down
you because to them, you're a tall poppy.
Now I wouldn't be complaining about the lack of money if I had his type of money.
You aren't don't have that type of money, so you don't know what it's like.
If we
cast judgment upon
more successful people,
(18:33):
then we're gonna they're we're afraid that their people are gonna cast judgment upon us
if we become successful. And what is successful? That depends completely upon
the person.
Success is in the eye of the beholder.
Alright?
Much like beauty. Because
(18:55):
what is a,
what you deem success, another person may deem as
being wildly successful.
I have a house.
There are people out there who don't own a house yet. That's what they want. They wanna be able to own a house. They would deem themselves successful if they could own a house.
Oh, they could. They just have to move to Western Oklahoma. They're
(19:18):
be conservative.
Gotta put that out there. We don't want any more Californians running around.
I'm not playing with Californians too.
So we become afraid of success for the same reasons. And, also,
what is the one of the things you hear about,
people who come in and have money? Money changes you. No. No. Money doesn't change you.
(19:43):
And so a lot of us are afraid
that money's gonna change us even though it's not gonna change us.
Money doesn't have that type of power.
What money does do is it is an amplifier
of who we are.
So if you're greedy,
you start giving in money, you're gonna become even more greedy.
(20:03):
That's why there are greedy rich people, but there's a lot, and I mean a whole lot, of rich people who are actually very, very generous. They're generous with their time, talent, and treasure.
So
fear is not something that we have of success is not something that we have to worry about.
Yeah.
(20:23):
You're going to have that fear of success.
I still battle that fear of success. I've actually
one of the examples is that I'm we're now at 261
episodes of this podcast.
This fact that I have actually had this, this
website
going for as long as I've gone
is a testament to me
(20:45):
still having ways to go, but I have overcome one of my big obstacles
for running a business,
and that is
getting past
having people judge
what
what I write, what I say. I don't talk normal. I get it. I talk hick. I talk
(21:07):
bass ackwards half the time,
And this is what the another thing that we're afraid of, being
just flat out being uncomfortable.
What standing in front of a group of people
is not comfortable
the first time you do it.
It's not uncomfortable
to those who to the some professionals who have done it for the millionth time.
(21:30):
They still go to the bathroom, ralphing the toilet before they go on stage.
Some people wanna walk around and go, well, that's
that's impostor syndrome.
Maybe
could just be called nerves.
We become afraid of standing out in front of everybody because there's a whole lot of eyes looking at us.
Some of those eyes don't like us too well,
(21:52):
and that's okay.
Being uncomfortable
is
discomfort is the currency for the life you want. You have to get uncomfortable
to be able and be okay with that discomfort
to have the life for that you want. And that's something that I'm still fighting on is how do I get and stay uncomfortable.
(22:14):
And right now, what I do is I just kinda I get
uncomfortably comfortable.
Alright? I'm still comfortable, but, you know, it's a little new. Yeah. Okay. The water's a little on the cold side.
It's not freezing. It's not boiling hot. Just it's a little
off of what I would like for it to be.
That's not
(22:34):
in the grand scheme of things, that's not being uncomfortable.
Going out, talking to people, shaking hands, telling people, hey. I'm a life coach. I help men who are wanting to have better relationships,
And I still deal with the with the whole thought of, well, do I even know what I'm freaking talking about? I mean, come on. I've had a marriage that's lasted 29 years, but it's not the grandest of marriages at times,
(22:59):
except
that half of the marriages around
die off. They they end up
ending in divorce,
if not more, depending on how far down the road.
A 100% of the marriages last at least one day,
and they keep progressing the further out you go. So 29 years, that's awesome. That's great.
(23:20):
Something else that holds us back
that is very much connected with our thoughts
is the fact that we love, love
indulgent emotions.
These are emotions that
help us feel
like we're being productive,
like we're doing something,
but it's
(23:40):
spin we're just sitting there spinning the wheels. We're we're going a 100 miles an hour according to the odom the speedometer.
When you romp on the on,
on the pedal on on ice,
shoot according to the speedometer, you're doing a 150 miles an hour.
So why are you not going very fast?
Because you're spinning.
(24:01):
Our indulgent emotions
hold us back because we feel like we're doing something. It feel. Are we really doing something? No. We know no damn good and well. We're not. But we feel
confusion.
We feel like we've gotta get something figured out. And because we're we've gotta get our our our thoughts in order. We've gotta get all this taken care of. No. You really don't. We worry. Worrying is a really big indulgent emotion because, hey. If I'm worried about something,
(24:31):
I can't be taking a step until I get rid of that worry. What happens if?
Well, funny thing is
90% of the time, that if ain't gonna happen.
So you're wasting energy, wasting time on something that's not going to even happen
90% of the time. That one that 10%, okay. Worry about it when it happens.
(24:52):
And the a third indulgent emotion is the combination of the 2. It's mental spin where we're
confused
and trying to figure stuff out, and we're worried about the fact that we're confused, and we're worried and that we're trying to figure stuff out, and we haven't gotten things figured out. And so we worry a little bit more, and so we keep going over and over and over, and we ruminate over the same thing over and over and over without taking a step.
(25:18):
That's why we have the phrase
shit
and get off the pot.
You have to do so or shit or get off the pot. You have to make a decision. What are you going to do?
Because if you don't make the choice,
it feels like you're doing something, but you ain't going anywhere. You're spinning them wheels.
(25:39):
Now another
thing that happens is that's almost similar to the indulgent emotions is we like to sit and past think.
Past think is, well, I've never done this before.
Well, you never when you were a toddler, you never walked until you started walking.
So how how come you were able to do that? When you were
(26:00):
about 5, 6, 7 years old, you never rode a bike before, but yet you decided you were gonna ride a bike. What made you do that? When you got around to learn how to drive a car, you never learned how to dry you never drew drove you never drove a car. That's proper English, ain't it? You never drove a car before
until you started taking lessons.
(26:21):
So why all of a sudden just because you've never started a business, you've never, you know,
started you've never taken the time to
have deeper discussions with your wife.
Why is that all of a sudden now a problem?
It's not. That's your brain trying to tell you, well, you've never done this before. How are you supposed to know it's supposed to do that you're doing it right?
(26:43):
You know, you're doing it right by doing it.
You know, you're doing it right by
doing it time and time and time again. You're no. You're doing it right when you develop the skill. How do you get the skill? You have to do it.
Just do it. You know? You've got you have to stop thinking of and looking at your life from the past. There's a reason why the the windshield
(27:07):
on the car
is so much bigger than the rearview mirror. The rearview the things that happen behind us
are important.
They're not the most important thing.
What's in front of you is the most important.
Use the use the rear view mirror as a reference. Use your past as a reference, not as a as a indicator of where or what you can and can't do.
(27:32):
That's the future person. Look at yourself in the future
as the person who has successfully done
what it is you're wanting to do. Then
there's always our friend
self doubt.
Well, I've I'm I just don't think I can do this. I need my wife to tell me that I can do this. No. You don't.
(27:54):
Self doubt is just self talk. That is a combination of all the stuff that we've been talking about before
and pound it all into one little
quality
nugget
of destruction.
I've never done this before. I've gone and looked into the past, and then in my past, I never
had a business
(28:15):
that made more than $1,000.
K? Well, so what? So now what happens if you're so what happens in the future? Are you still gonna be the band who'd never made a $1,000, or are you gonna be the man who makes
1,000,000 of 1,000 of dollars?
We have to start
taking
our our self talk, our self doubt,
(28:38):
and
and actually
sift it through what we truly believe. What do we really
think?
What do we want? What is our determination? Where do we wanna be?
How do we wanna respond? How do we want?
Apply those intentional thoughts.
Start looking at, okay. I can't do it. What what needs to be done for you to do it?
(29:04):
I need to start talking to more people.
Then start talking to more people. It's you're gonna do it stupidly. I I I'll admit it. This is one of the big hang ups I have. I'm gonna sound stupid. Hey. I'm a life coach. Would like to be coached?
I don't know how to actually talk to people until I start talking to them.
When you start doing that, then you're going to become more comfortable at doing it at doing whatever it is. You wanna ask your wife out on a date. Sound weird. People struggle with it on, though.
(29:35):
Ask your wife out on a date. If you've never been on a date before and you're a guy who's trying to improve himself so he can have a good date,
how do you ask girls out on a date? You start by going up to a girl and you're going, hey. Would you like to go on a date? That easy.
Go up to your wife and go, hey, baby.
This coming Friday,
why don't you put something nice on? I'm a put something nice on when I get home.
(29:58):
And, I'm gonna be gone for about an hour, and then
when I come back,
you look nice,
and I'm gonna take you out. I'm gonna knock on the door. We're gonna go out on a good date.
You could actually do however you want.
Doesn't mean that you have you're gonna have all your expectations met,
but
(30:19):
what is the objective? If it's to get into her pants, well, okay. It's kinda like the first date, man.
You can expect it. Doesn't mean it's gonna happen. So
how do you
how do you correct that?
You've not ever done it before
and your expectations
get, get shot down.
What are you gonna do?
(30:41):
What if the expectation is just we're gonna go out on a date?
We're gonna have a good time. I don't need to have the nookie nookie this time. I just
would like to have a good date with my wife. You might find that all of a sudden that nookie nookie comes along, and it's a pleasant surprise.
So how do we take action? Well, that's
(31:02):
that's the tough one because we have to we
often find ourselves just waiting around,
waiting for something to go to to
take part. And so this is again, I am a huge fan of paper or actual you know, made from tree paper and a pen that's actually got petroleum product in it. And you write
(31:24):
on the on the paper, and you find out what it is that you actually what needs to be done? What is it you wanna accomplish? That's the that's at the top.
You you write that right across the top.
Wanna get 50,
50 customers. Okay.
I wanna take my wife out on a date.
Alright?
(31:44):
What's holding you back?
Why are you not doing that right now?
And stay away from the indulgent
thought
of I don't know,
and that's exactly what it is. That's your brain going, woah. Hey. Look at that. We don't need
any type of,
any type of help here because we don't know. Where are we supposed to get our help? Because we don't know. If I don't know, you know, who who's gonna who's gonna be able to help me? We're just gonna have to sit here and be safe because I don't know what would what I need to do.
(32:14):
You know what you need to do.
Write down the bullshit.
Okay?
It's gonna you're because rain when you start and as if you wanna break through that, what if I did know? Use that question.
Okay. If I did know, what would I say?
I say, I need to,
and it's gonna feel really awkward because your brain doesn't want that thought loose, but you've seen that thought.
(32:39):
It flashed for a half second before you I don't know. Because your brain wanted to instantly dismiss
that scary,
uncomfortable,
dangerous thought
of
go talk to people.
Tell your wife that you're interested on taking her on a date.
Sounds weird. It's like it's once it's out there, it's like, oh, it's not really all that scary or dangerous as I thought yet.
(33:04):
We we still find ourselves waiting around.
Once you have
what needs to be done,
pick 1
and do it.
Pick 1
and do it. You fail? Oh, that's sweet. You've got others listed on the on the page. Right? You didn't have just one item.
You had multiple items.
(33:24):
If you only had one item, keep writing. Get 10 items wrote out, at least.
Ten things that you can do
that needs to be done to get to where your what your objective is.
Then
choose 1.
Take action. Do it scared
if you have to.
Do it with a full anticipation that you're gonna land on your ass, and it's gonna you're it's gonna and your butt's gonna be in a cactus field. Alright? You're naked in a cactus field, and you're gonna land on your butt.
(33:56):
Accept the fact that that's gonna happen. Alright?
It's like a Band Aid. Get it over with. Rip,
a little bit of pain right there.
K. We're good.
You do that,
and
and it gets easier from there.
It really does get easier from there.
(34:17):
If you want help
getting these
thoughts laid out,
I'd love to invite you over to try coaching.
This is a free coaching
actually, it's a free month of coaching is what it is if you really wanna know.
All you have to do is go to relaxed mail dotcomforward/trycoaching.
(34:39):
We're gonna do this until we
until we find
a
a good solution for you. We will do this. It'll be 4 weeks
of of an hour talking. The first one probably would be just us getting to know each other and find out what the actual problem is that you wanna work on,
and then the other 3 weeks are us working on that problem.
(35:02):
We will find a way to get you to up off the pot and walking down the street, putting one foot in front of the other, riding that bicycle like you wouldn't believe, to just completely
destroy any metaphor that I might have been trying to create.
You
have
the ability to do what needs to be done.
(35:23):
I get
you're scared shitless.
There's many times I, myself,
abs, am
proof of positive. I'm still trying to bring in more customers and more clients
to relaxed mail.
I'm finally getting up to where
I'm getting a 100 people a day to my site.
(35:46):
It's only been 7 years worth of work,
but that's because I have been
having to force myself
into taking those steps. I am so
adverse
avoidant
that I have to it takes me forever to get myself psyched up to try something.
But I have found tools that help me to get this, and it's going faster.
(36:10):
Took me forever to finally start getting a 100 hits
or a 100 views. Not just hits, but having a 100 page views
took a good
5 years.
From there, I was still getting, you know, 50
to 90 people,
but I was getting a 101, 108, 110
(36:30):
page views.
Now
they're maybe once every
once every week or so, I'll have a
I'll have a day where the visitors drop below a 100.
Now
when I hit a 30, I know that I have hit a major milestone, and then I can go up from there. But this
(36:51):
the I I now actually have page views,
not visitors, but actual page views
of about a 150
to almost 200 pea 200,
viewers,
which which tells me there's a lot of people who are going from one one article to the next article to the next article to the next article,
which is amazing, which is awesome. I love the fact that they're doing that, and I'm grateful that they're at least seeing what's there and reading it, digging into it further. Even get some snark snarky people. I got one guy who just who called me a dumb shit.
(37:25):
Sweet. Awesome. I love it when I get get those angry types of people
because that tells me
I actually am closer to what the truth is, and that scared them.
And so they have to lash out, and they instantly try to call you names.
So just know if we ever get into an argument,
I consider
(37:46):
myself has won the battle
if I can get you to call me a name. Alright? That's that's just where I'm playing. Alright?
But
we have to we are gotta be okay with those negative reviews, those those times that people call me dumbasses and dumb shits.
That's because there's something there
(38:08):
that they agree with
that
really angers them. That really struck a nerve,
and that's actually a good thing.
It's not that you're being a troll. It's just
they let you know
that they are not on that side, not on your side. They chose the other direction,
and that's good. Those are not my not my clients.
(38:30):
It doesn't hurt my feelings that they're not my clients.
What hurts my feelings are my clients
who don't realize
how much help they could have.
What happens when they relax
into
being the man of the house? What happens if they relax into
accepting
(38:50):
their wife
as the woman that is there right there beside them right now?
And some of y'all are going, but I do that. No. You want
the wife that you had
10 years ago when you said I do who sat there and gave you road head while driving down the road
for your honeymoon and for the next 4 weeks after that.
(39:11):
No. It doesn't always happen,
and it won't always happen.
Eventually, you get married, and all of a sudden, you've got 30 years down the road. And,
yeah, you would like to have
that hot little thing that was,
that was your bride 30 years ago.
But now you have
this beautiful bride who has been with you through 30 years of just some of
(39:36):
the roughest stuff and some of the greatest stuff, and that makes the marriage that y'all are with that y'all have such a beautiful
beautiful
organization.
Institution,
that's the word I'm looking for.
So
you can have
that
beautiful
(39:56):
institution. You can have
the marriage that your friends would be jealous of.
The key is
to soften
the corners
a lot
and relax
a whole lot more
and accept
what is
and help you and your wife together
(40:17):
work towards something. But you to be able even be able to do that, you have to work on yourself first.
So didn't even worry about trying to drag her along for the ride. She'll come along as she sees you improve.
You wanna improve?
Relaxmail.comforward/trycoaching.
So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. Y'all take care.
(40:39):
If, also one little last thing, if you could, go to relax mail.comforward/survey
and take a little it's 25 question survey,
and just let me know so I could see. Am I in the right area with this show, or am I completely off? How do I get this show to be better? This is where I get to you get to hop in the driver's seat and tell me where to go, man. You want me to go to hell? Alright. This is what you this is how I do it. You but I would love to hear your input on it. So please, again, go to relax mail.comforward/surveyorrelaxmail.comforward/
(41:15):
try coaching if you'd like to try a free 1 month,
1 month coaching
session. So we'll, with that, I wanna say thanks again for listening. Y'all take care. See y'all next week.
Bye.
Alright.
It's February now. And why are you still waiting to have that better relationship with your wife? I'm talking about that this week on episode 261
of the relaxed male. This is the relaxed male.
A show that comes to you each week, helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
(00:26):
Join the host certified coach Brian Goodwin as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
Hey, man. Hello, and welcome to the Relax Mail. I'm your host, Brian. And today, we're talking about
what's holding you back? What is keeping you
from
(00:46):
doing what's needed
to live the life
that you're wanting to live? Live a fulfilling life with the wife that you have been dreaming of
from the time you said I do? And we have a lot of these different
excuses and reasons as to why
life keeps getting in the way. Why does
(01:09):
every man
seem to make a a a New Year's resolution
and then by today today's February.
By today,
that whole process has done, gone away. That those efforts, the try, you've already set back down your couch,
and we're not
trying to go forward anymore.
(01:30):
We may think about it from time to time and think, yeah. I probably need to start trying to do that sometime.
And I'm in the same box. I'll let you know that I'm sitting in the trenches right there with you because I have not done near as much walking as I need to be doing to lose the weight that I need to be losing. 1st 2 weeks, really good. After that, not so much. It's kind of the
(01:53):
inspiration for what this episode was about because I was I've been
examining
and trying to figure out what is it that's keeping me
planted
in the seat instead of getting up, walking around, losing weight like I've been wanting to do. What's keeping me from getting up, going out, talking to people,
(02:13):
and
telling them that I'm a life coach, and letting them know I can help them?
These are things that I've been needing to do, and I've yet to still do them. I'm still finding all everything else that I wanted I need to do
other than what actually is needing to be done.
And
(02:34):
it's
caused me to realize that, yeah, we struggle
with making changes. We've struggled
making
any really drastic change in our life.
That is because, well, we our our motivational triad
is that we
do stuff that feel good, that's pleasurable,
(02:55):
avoid pain. We don't want pain. We don't want discomfort,
and we wanna do it as easy as possible. We wanna do it on autopilot.
Okay?
When we're on autopilot, we're not burning near as much energy because, you know, if our brain is the biggest consumer
of energy. So we wanna make it run on low power mode as much as possible. Because back in the days when we were running across the Serengeti,
(03:20):
you know, an antelope that we come across weren't weren't around all that much.
They were a little tough for us to run down. We had to find the ones that have gone off and busted her leg, and maybe we could catch up to them. So our brain does not want us to use
a whole lot of of energy. Doesn't wanna doesn't wanna have to go into full power mode because, you know, we might die because we're using up all the energy just so we can think. So our we have, that motivational triad. And
(03:49):
when we're trying something new, it
takes a lot of effort.
It takes a lot of thoughts. We're burning up a lot of energy. We're gonna
we're gonna screw up from time to time, so it's really uncomfortable.
And if it's uncomfortable,
it's not pleasurable.
Everything's kinda awkward, and you're you're tripping over yourself, and you're trying to figure out how to actually say something, and it comes out bass backwards.
(04:13):
And, you know, we're
we fall over ourselves
trying to do something new. This still is even the same thing as when we're trying to improve our relationship with our wife.
Because
all of a sudden, we're
feeling really dumb and stupid because we're trying to do something romantic, you know, give her flowers. And
she's like, well, what are these for? Because I thought the Psalm and I thought of you.
(04:37):
And we're like,
okay. What does that even mean? You know? What what are we trying to say here?
And we
and we're out of that practice. And so trying to do something new
or try to recreate something that we've stopped doing a long time ago
is very uncomfortable because we're still gonna get rejected. We're still gonna get ourselves
(04:58):
shot down from time to time because we're just
we're not
proficient at doing whatever it is that we're doing.
We're not proficient,
and skilled
at
creating clients. We're not proficient and skilled at
at
getting our wife to agree to take clothes off anymore. I mean, we're we've we've been we've
(05:21):
been shot down so many times. We don't think that she's actually even interested in sex anymore.
Heck. She may not even think she's interested in sex anymore.
And so we find ourselves falling into these little grooves and and things like the roommate syndrome where we just we're not lovers anymore, or we're not
(05:41):
even so much husband and wife as we are just a couple roommates who
have the opportunity to see each other naked from time to time.
So
when we hit those points where we're, like, we're fed up, you know, end of the year, we start thinking of, what we're gonna do, what our resolutions are gonna be. We're gonna lose weight. We're gonna look great. We're gonna become fit, trim. We're gonna increase our sales by a 100%
(06:06):
or whatever. We're gonna get 50 new clients.
Whatever the thought is. We often
find ourselves
essentially kinda stuck in one form, fashion, or another,
and we
are waiting around for something. I'm waiting around because, well, I I don't have the logo just right if you're trying to do a business or, well, I'm I'm trying to find the best way to approach my wife, or I already know that she's gonna say no, so why should I try? What holds us back? What keeps us from doing the things that we want?
(06:38):
Well, there's a few items out there. There's the fear of
failing, being rejected, not being understood, success.
Yeah. Even the fear of being of success,
uncomfortable,
and we may also experience,
indulgent emotions,
do some past thinking,
(06:59):
find ourselves swallowed up in self doubt. And so, yeah, we've we have these different fears,
like a fear of failing.
We've
and this is it's a it's a,
it's a logical fear,
but
it's not a fear that needs to be holding us
firm to the ground.
(07:20):
Because what did you make
failing mean? And a lot of us will be really quick to answer. Well, it just means that we're learning.
Yeah. So why are you afraid to learn?
So what is that really making you? What are you making it mean? Or you're saying the words, and you're not really believing them. You're afraid to fail.
(07:40):
But what does failing look like?
What does
real failing
look like?
For me?
It looks like I'm going to be spend the rest of my life behind the wheel of a semi truck.
It looks like
I am
going to be the laughingstock
of my family.
(08:01):
They saw saw me do fail yet again.
These are these are big things that we're we're failing at. It's so easy to go, well, I'm still working on
the relaxed smile. I'm still working on my my business. I'm still working on this because, hey. If you're still working on it, you can have an excuse as to why you're not making any money. But are you really
(08:23):
working,
or are you just finding
things to do?
That difference between taking action
and and
just talking about it,
what's the difference between
doing the work
and busy work?
You can look busy all day long,
but you're not being productive. You're not doing
(08:45):
the work. You're not being productive productive, so you have there's a big difference between productivity and being busy,
and a lot of us spend time
being busy.
We spend a lot of time
making sure that we at least put on the airs that we're doing something.
We've done that all our whole life at work. We look we wanna look busy for the boss, so
(09:09):
we're polishing the same 2 inches 2 or 3 inches of of countertop
for 20 years. We go someplace else, and we just start all we do is we just find a new countertop that we start scrubbing on, And that's all because we're afraid to fail.
Failing is yeah. It's a it's a scary deal. It's a it's
because in, in the old days and when I say the old days, I mean, back in the ongga bunga days,
(09:36):
if you failed,
the tribe died,
or you got kicked out of the tribe.
You're supposed to go get the, get the antelope. You didn't get the antelope. You're out of here
type of thing.
You get kicked out of the tribe. You don't you get denied the the opportunity to have sex. You get,
denied the opportunity to have food.
(09:57):
You you get denied the opportunity to be protected.
You're just hanging out there with your old slung in the wind,
hoping that you don't
wondering how long it's gonna be before you're gone,
before you become the end of your,
end of your line.
And good news is is
so far, everybody in your in your ancestry
(10:19):
has succeeded
in staying alive long enough to procreate.
So besides for failing, and it's kind of a
a sublevel of failing,
something else that we are afraid of is being rejected.
And, again,
we get rejected
in marriage,
in trying to start a business,
(10:41):
and seeing about getting a
promotion,
seeing on
see if we can take on more responsibility, we're afraid we're gonna be told no.
Only two letters.
One of the scariest
two letters you'll ever come across, and it's no.
No. I don't need your I don't need your help.
(11:01):
I don't need what you're providing.
I don't need
your you to be naked right now.
Because, again, what do we make that rejection mean?
Oftentimes, when we get told no, that means you're not adequate enough for what we need,
and that is
the
(11:22):
that that's a sword a knife to the heart
for us men because that's the biggest
driver of our lives.
Am I being good enough? Am I adequate
for my family, for my community?
And when we're being rejected,
we that is us having somebody else tell us, no. You're not adequate. You're not good enough. And it hurts.
(11:49):
Not physically, but emotionally, it hurts.
It's uncomfortable.
It's not
it's not something that we wanna do. It's not pleasant. That's what causes us to
causes us to stop because it's not a motivating factor.
We're not out to seek pain. You know? Well, in all reality, actually, we are.
(12:09):
When you become
an intentional man, you start living life intentionally.
You start going through life
with
the insight that you wanna accomplish something,
you're actually out to see how many times you can
get rejected. How much of a painful life can you live? Can you live that rugged life that
(12:33):
Theodore Roosevelt talked about?
But one of the other
dangers, if you wanna call it that, that we're afraid will happen to us
is not only are we going to fail
by being rejected, but we're also might also fail by not being understood,
trying to sell you whatever product you're selling,
(12:54):
and everybody goes, no, because they don't understand how awesome this device is.
You know, how awesome is relaxed mail? How awesome is it that you might accidentally be able to have the marriage you wanna live you wanna have? How awesome would it be
for you
to be able to look at your wife
(13:16):
and be happy
and see joy
in her eyes
and not think that it's all your fault?
What would it be like if you went,
were able to have a life with your with your wife where you did what you needed to do,
and your wife
(13:37):
wasn't
worried that you were, you know,
that you were thinking of somebody else?
Or what if you
were able to live your life and not tell have to worry about calling your wife 30 times in a day to to ask her what she's doing?
What if you could let her do her thing, you do your thing, and then y'all also do y'all's thing?
(14:00):
What if you could have
the
gusto
and the confidence
to go up there,
grab her butt, and go, hey.
Wanna go get naked?
Lot of us would you hear that, and you're like, yeah. That would be nice, but it ain't gonna happen, not with my wife.
You're right.
With that thought, it's not gonna happen with your wife
(14:24):
because
you are holding yourself back.
You are holding
all of the cards
that will allow you to have an amazing life.
The problem is
that you
have been
stung a few times. You've had life come along and slap you beside the head, and you took those learning experiences because, like I said, failing is supposed to be learning, though we don't always fully believe that.
(14:54):
And we turn them into, well, let's not do that because that was uncomfortable.
I was really embarrassed at that point.
Now I hear some of you guys going, well, it's not all about you.
You're right. It's not all about us, but at the same time, it is all about us.
It's always
about
us,
(15:15):
but we run around
trying to convince people that
it's not about us.
What if you actually accepted the fact that
your fear of being rejected isn't because of you, has no bearing upon the other person? It is just it's just
a judgment that you are throwing upon yourself.
(15:37):
You not being understood,
how painful is that actually sounding to you?
We all just wanna be understood,
so all of a sudden,
we're not being understood. We're not able to sell our wares,
our desires,
our dreams to our wife,
that that's kinda painful.
The person who's supposed to understand us the most,
(15:59):
you know,
comes around and is shows that we're being highly misunderstood.
But are we?
Again, we're taking the the
idea, those things that we're afraid of, and we're making them mean something
that doesn't necessarily have to mean that.
A good example is that is a lot of us
(16:20):
are actually afraid to become successful.
I get it.
Right. You're like, what? Yeah, man. We are afraid
of success because when we become successful
think of the think of the movie stars you see who stumble
on tabloid,
newspapers.
(16:41):
How many
times have you looked at a
tabloid newspaper and went,
serves them right?
Why does that
celebrity
bother you so much?
And we come up with all excuses. Well, they I don't think they show a very good example of what guys are like, or they they're just idiots and are assholes. You you know, we come up with a with our a thought.
(17:07):
But, honestly, what it is is we're afraid.
They're
not afraid. We are
seeing the fact that they have success
that we would like to have.
It's called tall poppy syndrome.
And so if we're acting like that to people who we don't actually even know
are being successful,
(17:29):
what happens if we became successful?
What happens if we, through our hard work,
allowed us to suddenly start amassing,
say, $10,000,000
a year?
Not an excessive it's a hell of a lot of money
in in low man totem pole status, but instead of of celebrities,
(17:50):
you know, you're minimum wage now. Congratulations.
That again
combines with the be not being understood. All of a sudden, we've busted our butt. We started amassing the money.
We've done what we've needed to. We've sacrificed where we needed to sacrifice,
and now people are going, well, I don't think you really deserve all that money.
(18:12):
They start
trying to chop down
you because to them, you're a tall poppy.
Now I wouldn't be complaining about the lack of money if I had his type of money.
You aren't don't have that type of money, so you don't know what it's like.
If we
cast judgment upon
more successful people,
(18:33):
then we're gonna they're we're afraid that their people are gonna cast judgment upon us
if we become successful. And what is successful? That depends completely upon
the person.
Success is in the eye of the beholder.
Alright?
Much like beauty. Because
(18:55):
what is a,
what you deem success, another person may deem as
being wildly successful.
I have a house.
There are people out there who don't own a house yet. That's what they want. They wanna be able to own a house. They would deem themselves successful if they could own a house.
Oh, they could. They just have to move to Western Oklahoma. They're
(19:18):
be conservative.
Gotta put that out there. We don't want any more Californians running around.
I'm not playing with Californians too.
So we become afraid of success for the same reasons. And, also,
what is the one of the things you hear about,
people who come in and have money? Money changes you. No. No. Money doesn't change you.
(19:43):
And so a lot of us are afraid
that money's gonna change us even though it's not gonna change us.
Money doesn't have that type of power.
What money does do is it is an amplifier
of who we are.
So if you're greedy,
you start giving in money, you're gonna become even more greedy.
(20:03):
That's why there are greedy rich people, but there's a lot, and I mean a whole lot, of rich people who are actually very, very generous. They're generous with their time, talent, and treasure.
So
fear is not something that we have of success is not something that we have to worry about.
Yeah.
(20:23):
You're going to have that fear of success.
I still battle that fear of success. I've actually
one of the examples is that I'm we're now at 261
episodes of this podcast.
This fact that I have actually had this, this
website
going for as long as I've gone
is a testament to me
(20:45):
still having ways to go, but I have overcome one of my big obstacles
for running a business,
and that is
getting past
having people judge
what
what I write, what I say. I don't talk normal. I get it. I talk hick. I talk
(21:07):
bass ackwards half the time,
And this is what the another thing that we're afraid of, being
just flat out being uncomfortable.
What standing in front of a group of people
is not comfortable
the first time you do it.
It's not uncomfortable
to those who to the some professionals who have done it for the millionth time.
(21:30):
They still go to the bathroom, ralphing the toilet before they go on stage.
Some people wanna walk around and go, well, that's
that's impostor syndrome.
Maybe
could just be called nerves.
We become afraid of standing out in front of everybody because there's a whole lot of eyes looking at us.
Some of those eyes don't like us too well,
(21:52):
and that's okay.
Being uncomfortable
is
discomfort is the currency for the life you want. You have to get uncomfortable
to be able and be okay with that discomfort
to have the life for that you want. And that's something that I'm still fighting on is how do I get and stay uncomfortable.
(22:14):
And right now, what I do is I just kinda I get
uncomfortably comfortable.
Alright? I'm still comfortable, but, you know, it's a little new. Yeah. Okay. The water's a little on the cold side.
It's not freezing. It's not boiling hot. Just it's a little
off of what I would like for it to be.
That's not
(22:34):
in the grand scheme of things, that's not being uncomfortable.
Going out, talking to people, shaking hands, telling people, hey. I'm a life coach. I help men who are wanting to have better relationships,
And I still deal with the with the whole thought of, well, do I even know what I'm freaking talking about? I mean, come on. I've had a marriage that's lasted 29 years, but it's not the grandest of marriages at times,
(22:59):
except
that half of the marriages around
die off. They they end up
ending in divorce,
if not more, depending on how far down the road.
A 100% of the marriages last at least one day,
and they keep progressing the further out you go. So 29 years, that's awesome. That's great.
(23:20):
Something else that holds us back
that is very much connected with our thoughts
is the fact that we love, love
indulgent emotions.
These are emotions that
help us feel
like we're being productive,
like we're doing something,
but it's
(23:40):
spin we're just sitting there spinning the wheels. We're we're going a 100 miles an hour according to the odom the speedometer.
When you romp on the on,
on the pedal on on ice,
shoot according to the speedometer, you're doing a 150 miles an hour.
So why are you not going very fast?
Because you're spinning.
(24:01):
Our indulgent emotions
hold us back because we feel like we're doing something. It feel. Are we really doing something? No. We know no damn good and well. We're not. But we feel
confusion.
We feel like we've gotta get something figured out. And because we're we've gotta get our our our thoughts in order. We've gotta get all this taken care of. No. You really don't. We worry. Worrying is a really big indulgent emotion because, hey. If I'm worried about something,
(24:31):
I can't be taking a step until I get rid of that worry. What happens if?
Well, funny thing is
90% of the time, that if ain't gonna happen.
So you're wasting energy, wasting time on something that's not going to even happen
90% of the time. That one that 10%, okay. Worry about it when it happens.
(24:52):
And the a third indulgent emotion is the combination of the 2. It's mental spin where we're
confused
and trying to figure stuff out, and we're worried about the fact that we're confused, and we're worried and that we're trying to figure stuff out, and we haven't gotten things figured out. And so we worry a little bit more, and so we keep going over and over and over, and we ruminate over the same thing over and over and over without taking a step.
(25:18):
That's why we have the phrase
shit
and get off the pot.
You have to do so or shit or get off the pot. You have to make a decision. What are you going to do?
Because if you don't make the choice,
it feels like you're doing something, but you ain't going anywhere. You're spinning them wheels.
(25:39):
Now another
thing that happens is that's almost similar to the indulgent emotions is we like to sit and past think.
Past think is, well, I've never done this before.
Well, you never when you were a toddler, you never walked until you started walking.
So how how come you were able to do that? When you were
(26:00):
about 5, 6, 7 years old, you never rode a bike before, but yet you decided you were gonna ride a bike. What made you do that? When you got around to learn how to drive a car, you never learned how to dry you never drew drove you never drove a car. That's proper English, ain't it? You never drove a car before
until you started taking lessons.
(26:21):
So why all of a sudden just because you've never started a business, you've never, you know,
started you've never taken the time to
have deeper discussions with your wife.
Why is that all of a sudden now a problem?
It's not. That's your brain trying to tell you, well, you've never done this before. How are you supposed to know it's supposed to do that you're doing it right?
(26:43):
You know, you're doing it right by doing it.
You know, you're doing it right by
doing it time and time and time again. You're no. You're doing it right when you develop the skill. How do you get the skill? You have to do it.
Just do it. You know? You've got you have to stop thinking of and looking at your life from the past. There's a reason why the the windshield
(27:07):
on the car
is so much bigger than the rearview mirror. The rearview the things that happen behind us
are important.
They're not the most important thing.
What's in front of you is the most important.
Use the use the rear view mirror as a reference. Use your past as a reference, not as a as a indicator of where or what you can and can't do.
(27:32):
That's the future person. Look at yourself in the future
as the person who has successfully done
what it is you're wanting to do. Then
there's always our friend
self doubt.
Well, I've I'm I just don't think I can do this. I need my wife to tell me that I can do this. No. You don't.
(27:54):
Self doubt is just self talk. That is a combination of all the stuff that we've been talking about before
and pound it all into one little
quality
nugget
of destruction.
I've never done this before. I've gone and looked into the past, and then in my past, I never
had a business
(28:15):
that made more than $1,000.
K? Well, so what? So now what happens if you're so what happens in the future? Are you still gonna be the band who'd never made a $1,000, or are you gonna be the man who makes
1,000,000 of 1,000 of dollars?
We have to start
taking
our our self talk, our self doubt,
(28:38):
and
and actually
sift it through what we truly believe. What do we really
think?
What do we want? What is our determination? Where do we wanna be?
How do we wanna respond? How do we want?
Apply those intentional thoughts.
Start looking at, okay. I can't do it. What what needs to be done for you to do it?
(29:04):
I need to start talking to more people.
Then start talking to more people. It's you're gonna do it stupidly. I I I'll admit it. This is one of the big hang ups I have. I'm gonna sound stupid. Hey. I'm a life coach. Would like to be coached?
I don't know how to actually talk to people until I start talking to them.
When you start doing that, then you're going to become more comfortable at doing it at doing whatever it is. You wanna ask your wife out on a date. Sound weird. People struggle with it on, though.
(29:35):
Ask your wife out on a date. If you've never been on a date before and you're a guy who's trying to improve himself so he can have a good date,
how do you ask girls out on a date? You start by going up to a girl and you're going, hey. Would you like to go on a date? That easy.
Go up to your wife and go, hey, baby.
This coming Friday,
why don't you put something nice on? I'm a put something nice on when I get home.
(29:58):
And, I'm gonna be gone for about an hour, and then
when I come back,
you look nice,
and I'm gonna take you out. I'm gonna knock on the door. We're gonna go out on a good date.
You could actually do however you want.
Doesn't mean that you have you're gonna have all your expectations met,
but
(30:19):
what is the objective? If it's to get into her pants, well, okay. It's kinda like the first date, man.
You can expect it. Doesn't mean it's gonna happen. So
how do you
how do you correct that?
You've not ever done it before
and your expectations
get, get shot down.
What are you gonna do?
(30:41):
What if the expectation is just we're gonna go out on a date?
We're gonna have a good time. I don't need to have the nookie nookie this time. I just
would like to have a good date with my wife. You might find that all of a sudden that nookie nookie comes along, and it's a pleasant surprise.
So how do we take action? Well, that's
(31:02):
that's the tough one because we have to we
often find ourselves just waiting around,
waiting for something to go to to
take part. And so this is again, I am a huge fan of paper or actual you know, made from tree paper and a pen that's actually got petroleum product in it. And you write
(31:24):
on the on the paper, and you find out what it is that you actually what needs to be done? What is it you wanna accomplish? That's the that's at the top.
You you write that right across the top.
Wanna get 50,
50 customers. Okay.
I wanna take my wife out on a date.
Alright?
(31:44):
What's holding you back?
Why are you not doing that right now?
And stay away from the indulgent
thought
of I don't know,
and that's exactly what it is. That's your brain going, woah. Hey. Look at that. We don't need
any type of,
any type of help here because we don't know. Where are we supposed to get our help? Because we don't know. If I don't know, you know, who who's gonna who's gonna be able to help me? We're just gonna have to sit here and be safe because I don't know what would what I need to do.
(32:14):
You know what you need to do.
Write down the bullshit.
Okay?
It's gonna you're because rain when you start and as if you wanna break through that, what if I did know? Use that question.
Okay. If I did know, what would I say?
I say, I need to,
and it's gonna feel really awkward because your brain doesn't want that thought loose, but you've seen that thought.
(32:39):
It flashed for a half second before you I don't know. Because your brain wanted to instantly dismiss
that scary,
uncomfortable,
dangerous thought
of
go talk to people.
Tell your wife that you're interested on taking her on a date.
Sounds weird. It's like it's once it's out there, it's like, oh, it's not really all that scary or dangerous as I thought yet.
(33:04):
We we still find ourselves waiting around.
Once you have
what needs to be done,
pick 1
and do it.
Pick 1
and do it. You fail? Oh, that's sweet. You've got others listed on the on the page. Right? You didn't have just one item.
You had multiple items.
(33:24):
If you only had one item, keep writing. Get 10 items wrote out, at least.
Ten things that you can do
that needs to be done to get to where your what your objective is.
Then
choose 1.
Take action. Do it scared
if you have to.
Do it with a full anticipation that you're gonna land on your ass, and it's gonna you're it's gonna and your butt's gonna be in a cactus field. Alright? You're naked in a cactus field, and you're gonna land on your butt.
(33:56):
Accept the fact that that's gonna happen. Alright?
It's like a Band Aid. Get it over with. Rip,
a little bit of pain right there.
K. We're good.
You do that,
and
and it gets easier from there.
It really does get easier from there.
(34:17):
If you want help
getting these
thoughts laid out,
I'd love to invite you over to try coaching.
This is a free coaching
actually, it's a free month of coaching is what it is if you really wanna know.
All you have to do is go to relaxed mail dotcomforward/trycoaching.
(34:39):
We're gonna do this until we
until we find
a
a good solution for you. We will do this. It'll be 4 weeks
of of an hour talking. The first one probably would be just us getting to know each other and find out what the actual problem is that you wanna work on,
and then the other 3 weeks are us working on that problem.
(35:02):
We will find a way to get you to up off the pot and walking down the street, putting one foot in front of the other, riding that bicycle like you wouldn't believe, to just completely
destroy any metaphor that I might have been trying to create.
You
have
the ability to do what needs to be done.
(35:23):
I get
you're scared shitless.
There's many times I, myself,
abs, am
proof of positive. I'm still trying to bring in more customers and more clients
to relaxed mail.
I'm finally getting up to where
I'm getting a 100 people a day to my site.
(35:46):
It's only been 7 years worth of work,
but that's because I have been
having to force myself
into taking those steps. I am so
adverse
avoidant
that I have to it takes me forever to get myself psyched up to try something.
But I have found tools that help me to get this, and it's going faster.
(36:10):
Took me forever to finally start getting a 100 hits
or a 100 views. Not just hits, but having a 100 page views
took a good
5 years.
From there, I was still getting, you know, 50
to 90 people,
but I was getting a 101, 108, 110
(36:30):
page views.
Now
they're maybe once every
once every week or so, I'll have a
I'll have a day where the visitors drop below a 100.
Now
when I hit a 30, I know that I have hit a major milestone, and then I can go up from there. But this
(36:51):
the I I now actually have page views,
not visitors, but actual page views
of about a 150
to almost 200 pea 200,
viewers,
which which tells me there's a lot of people who are going from one one article to the next article to the next article to the next article,
which is amazing, which is awesome. I love the fact that they're doing that, and I'm grateful that they're at least seeing what's there and reading it, digging into it further. Even get some snark snarky people. I got one guy who just who called me a dumb shit.
(37:25):
Sweet. Awesome. I love it when I get get those angry types of people
because that tells me
I actually am closer to what the truth is, and that scared them.
And so they have to lash out, and they instantly try to call you names.
So just know if we ever get into an argument,
I consider
(37:46):
myself has won the battle
if I can get you to call me a name. Alright? That's that's just where I'm playing. Alright?
But
we have to we are gotta be okay with those negative reviews, those those times that people call me dumbasses and dumb shits.
That's because there's something there
(38:08):
that they agree with
that
really angers them. That really struck a nerve,
and that's actually a good thing.
It's not that you're being a troll. It's just
they let you know
that they are not on that side, not on your side. They chose the other direction,
and that's good. Those are not my not my clients.
(38:30):
It doesn't hurt my feelings that they're not my clients.
What hurts my feelings are my clients
who don't realize
how much help they could have.
What happens when they relax
into
being the man of the house? What happens if they relax into
accepting
(38:50):
their wife
as the woman that is there right there beside them right now?
And some of y'all are going, but I do that. No. You want
the wife that you had
10 years ago when you said I do who sat there and gave you road head while driving down the road
for your honeymoon and for the next 4 weeks after that.
(39:11):
No. It doesn't always happen,
and it won't always happen.
Eventually, you get married, and all of a sudden, you've got 30 years down the road. And,
yeah, you would like to have
that hot little thing that was,
that was your bride 30 years ago.
But now you have
this beautiful bride who has been with you through 30 years of just some of
(39:36):
the roughest stuff and some of the greatest stuff, and that makes the marriage that y'all are with that y'all have such a beautiful
beautiful
organization.
Institution,
that's the word I'm looking for.
So
you can have
that
beautiful
(39:56):
institution. You can have
the marriage that your friends would be jealous of.
The key is
to soften
the corners
a lot
and relax
a whole lot more
and accept
what is
and help you and your wife together
(40:17):
work towards something. But you to be able even be able to do that, you have to work on yourself first.
So didn't even worry about trying to drag her along for the ride. She'll come along as she sees you improve.
You wanna improve?
Relaxmail.comforward/trycoaching.
So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. Y'all take care.
(40:39):
If, also one little last thing, if you could, go to relax mail.comforward/survey
and take a little it's 25 question survey,
and just let me know so I could see. Am I in the right area with this show, or am I completely off? How do I get this show to be better? This is where I get to you get to hop in the driver's seat and tell me where to go, man. You want me to go to hell? Alright. This is what you this is how I do it. You but I would love to hear your input on it. So please, again, go to relax mail.comforward/surveyorrelaxmail.comforward/
(41:15):
try coaching if you'd like to try a free 1 month,
1 month coaching
session. So we'll, with that, I wanna say thanks again for listening. Y'all take care. See y'all next week.
Bye.
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