November 21, 2024 • 39 mins
In this final episode of our series on intimacy, we delve into the realm of physical intimacy. Over the past ten weeks, we've explored various forms of intimacy, including emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential, social, creative, conflict, aesthetic, and work. Today, we focus on the nuances of physical intimacy, a topic that often garners significant attention and curiosity.
Physical intimacy is more than just the act of sex; it encompasses a range of interactions, from holding hands to sharing a hug. These gestures release chemicals like oxytocin, fostering a sense of connection and bonding. We discuss how societal norms can sometimes hinder men from expressing their emotions, which are crucial for building emotional intimacy with their partners.
We also touch on the importance of conflict intimacy, which allows couples to engage in healthy disagreements and grow stronger together. This episode emphasizes that physical intimacy is deeply intertwined with other forms of intimacy, and improving these areas can enhance one's overall relationship.
For those seeking to deepen their understanding and practice of intimacy, I offer insights into how to work on emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections. By focusing on these areas, physical intimacy will naturally follow, leading to a more fulfilling and balanced relationship.
Join me as we wrap up this enlightening series and prepare for next week's episode featuring a special guest, Don Wiggins.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Alright. We are at the last
episode
for this series
of what in the world is
this type of intimacy.
We are talking
physical intimacy
this week on episode
251
of the relaxed male.
This is the relaxed male.
(00:21):
A show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
Join the host certified coach Brian Goodwin as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
Alright, guys. So today
(00:43):
is our last
episode in the series
of what are what are the different types
of intimacies out there.
We've been talking about work intimacy. We've talked about,
oh, good grief. There well, there's 10 of them. There's emotional and intellectual. Let me get the list brought up.
(01:04):
Spiritual,
experiential,
social, creative, conflict,
aesthetic,
work. And finally, we're to the big cahona.
We are talking about physical intimacy this time. So
we have a lot,
lot to talk about, but, you know, at the same time, it it's not anything too terribly bad. We are live and lit. We are
(01:27):
on the for podcasting 2 point o type of application apps out there. We can I almost said application? Like, I was born in the seventies or something.
I was. So
so anyhow but we we are,
we're talking about different types of intimacy,
and I've just got myself completely sidetracked there.
(01:49):
Yeah. There we go. We're
we're starting off on a good run this time. But, yeah, I was talking about podcasting 2.0 apps because,
we are
live
and live streaming to podcasting 2.0 apps. You can find,
live streaming through different apps like the fountain app,
which is available on both,
(02:10):
the iPhone and Android. You can get us live on, I believe,
Cast O Matic, which is only iPhone only, but, Podcast Guru, it works on both platforms. This is a great,
and it's kinda my go to for podcasting 2.0 stuff. It has all most of the stuff covered. There's a few other things,
(02:32):
also like,
True Fans. True Fans dot f m, fix to come out with an actual downloadable
app, out there, and that's gonna make things a whole lot more interesting because they cover all the different new types of tags that podcasting 2.0
has. But anyhow,
this so you can actually listen while you're driving down the road. You don't have to be watching on on TikTok or YouTube
(02:56):
or any of those, types of things. You can actually just listen to what I am having to say. And this week, we're gonna be talking about
physical intimacy. Yeah.
That, got a lot of guys' attention right there. And this the reason why we're doing this is because we did we've been for the past this is the 10th week,
and it's gone
(03:17):
fast. It has gone a lot faster than I thought it would.
And
we're k. I came across
a article on choose therapy because I had a lot of my guys
talking,
wanting to know about intimacy and how do we how do they increase intimacy
with their wives. And it's
(03:39):
it sounds like it's like, well, you just be more intimate. Well, you just you schmooze or more. You know? But these are all different. What everybody suggests actually boils down to what
is intimacy. And that's kind of what I started everything off with. It's like, okay. Well, let's let's step back.
First off, what
in the world is intimacy?
(04:00):
And
through my searches, I came across a a article called choose therapy,
or on the site called choose therapy, and it was about the 10 different types of intimacy that's out there. There's physical intimacy, which is what we're talking about today. We've got emotional and intellectual
intimacy.
And just
(04:20):
as a quick review, emotional intimacy
or, well, intimacy in as a as a whole
is
what we share with our loved one, what we share with on people that we are close to. Alright? That's what intimacy is. What are you sharing? So with our wives, we're gonna share from time to time physical intimacy. Alright? We're going to we're gonna hold hands. We're going to you know, we're gonna have we're gonna we're gonna play the horizontal mambo from time to time. You know, we're gonna have these these different types of
(04:55):
of interactions, but
physical intimacy also means a hug. So we are physically intimate with our kids. We are physically intimate with our good friends too because there's maybe times we haven't seen them in a while. And so what do we do? We give them a go up, and we give them a hug. We put an arm around the shoulder. Something like that. That is physical intimacy too. Even something as small as a handshake can be physical intimacy. So we're talking about physical intimacy,
(05:20):
but we're also sharing emotionals. Are you able to share your emotions
with your spouse? This is one the big thing that we the first one that we did. We talked about sharing
the emotions. Now it's not meaning that you share and and
and do emotional vomiting
upon your spouse
because your boss gave you a hard hard time today, but it's just,
(05:44):
are you able to have
your emotions? Are you able to feel your emotions
around your spouse? And a lot of guys, because society has told you, you're not supposed to do that, they try to block their they try to avoid from being emotionally
intimate,
and that's what women want. Women want you to be emotionally intimate. They want
(06:06):
you to feel your emotions. It's not that you have to share them. You don't have to sit there and, well, my boss was mean to me, and so I've just and, well, I had a bad day, and my I was full of anxiety and fear, and I I I didn't know what to do. You know? This no one cares
about that. Okay? Your wife is just gonna mentally check out the moment you try to verbally
(06:29):
vomit
your emotions all over her. Alright? But she wants you wants to see you
have those emotions. Don't try to stop those emotions from happening.
Stop don't just hold those emotions back.
So we also have the the intimacy of intellectual. So how well do you share your thoughts
(06:51):
with your spouse?
This is one that a lot of guys struggle with because
we want
to share our intellect, but then is our wife able to share her intellect with you?
So sharing and and building
and taking her thoughts and making them yours and taking your thoughts and making them hers,
that's part of the intellectual intimacy. Can you have those
(07:15):
deep thought
conversations
with your wife?
If you are if you are, great. Awesome.
Keep it up. If not, then, well, that might be something you go on and work on a bit. Another one is spiritual.
How spiritual are y'all together? Do y'all go to a church?
Or do y'all just stand around and go, we we're not very religious, but we're very spiritual.
(07:39):
Okay. That's
BS in in many, many different layers, but we're not gonna break that particular layer down. But at the same time, you want to be spiritual.
Have are you able to share spiritual your spirituality
with your wife? Yes. Then you've got a okay. You've got a basis of your spiritual intimacy.
(08:01):
Experiential.
This is kind of the line of demarcation.
Anything after experiential
basically is just another form or a subset of the experience that you share with your wife. Alright?
So
not just is not only is experiential
intimacy
you and her going out and having different experiences, going on a on a trip, going to a museum, going to
(08:29):
work at a, work at a soup kitchen. You know? Doing these things, having these different experiences
together
is good. Going walking the, you know, walking the Camino de Santiago
would be a spiritual
and experiential,
intimacy that both of you and your wife were able to have. Or if you went with your son or your daughter or your best friend or whoever, with the person you go with, y'all would have some experiences
(08:57):
that y'all shared together.
And so that's where the term the physical intimacy comes into. There's also social. How many friends do y'all share with each other? Do you have her her does she have her friends and they're her friends and you have your friends and they're your friends, or do you have some really good friends that are also her friends? And that's kind of a and it's kind of a weird deal because especially if that relationship ever splits apart. You know, you've got those friends who are her friends are going to be
(09:28):
on on team wife
while
your friends are gonna be on team team you, but you
how social
interactions
do y'all share together?
So do y'all go out? Do y'all
have,
go to to no. I don't know. Go to I was gonna say a dance club. I don't think dance clubs even exist anymore.
(09:53):
But you go out. You go amongst the town. Go in. Have a good time
socially
with other people, and
that is are you able to share a social interaction with your wife, or are you very withdrawn
from her? Creative experiences or creative intimacy is also another
subset of the experiential. How well do you create together?
(10:16):
Do you create with
with your with your spouse? Do y'all create, any type of,
any art, any type of a home? There's a lot of things you can create.
And the creative
intimacy, the ability to share the creative process with your spouse
is where that comes into play. I'm gonna skip over the 8th one for right now because I well and I'll get back to it, but then there's the aesthetic.
(10:43):
So what do you do y'all find share the same
ideas of what beauty is?
Do you have the same
views of beauty?
Some people do. Some people don't. And that makes for a very
allows for y'all to actually dive into the intellectual port,
portion of intimacy. That's kind of the neat thing about this intimacy is that they will or most intimacies
(11:07):
is they kinda lead into other intimacies.
So when you share your aesthetic conflict, creative, social, experiential, spiritual,
intellectual, emotional,
intimacies, when y'all leak them all together, you're pretty much gonna end up winding up having
physical intimacy. You're gonna get to do the play hide the baloney.
The so besides for aesthetic, there's also work. What type of
(11:32):
of do y'all share your workdays with each other? Do you share
work together? Can y'all work together efficiently, or do y'all do like me and my wife? And y'all can get stuff done, but there's gonna be some hurt feelings at the end of everything. So we have to work. We need to work on our on our work intimacy a lot more. We struggle with that. That's okay. We understand that we struggle with it. Now the number 8 is the one that I kinda jumped over because this is actually a really important intimacy
(12:03):
to have.
Jason Gladwell
and,
several other,
well known,
counselors and therapists and folks like that, John Gottman,
all say that this type of intimacy is actually very much needed for a relationship
to grow and flourish.
And this relationship, this, intimacy is the conflict intimacy, and that's almost a it's actually kind of a, an oxymoron.
(12:30):
They're 2,
conflict and intimacy. There's two sides of the spectrum is what they look like. They are two sides of the same coin,
but you have to be able to have
disagreements
with your wife. Can you share your disagreement
with your wife
and have
a discussion
about that? Can you have these these different and altering views
(12:54):
and
one or both of y'all don't run away from it? Are y'all is there someone who is
conflict,
avoidant and that they
something starts to get a little things start getting a little little, heated in discussions,
they shut down. They turn off. They're like, oh, I don't wanna talk about it. Fuck off. Nope. It's out here, and y'all no.
(13:17):
Nothing happens, and you don't get nothing anywhere with the relationship
because, you know, you don't have the ability
to break down the BS
that's holding everything together,
burn the fluff away, and be left with just the true means of what that connection is.
And with that true form of connection, any damaged parts that are there, you can actually start to rekindle those. You all you can repair and reconnect.
(13:45):
And so you need conflict and, intimacy to get anywhere.
So with that, that's what we've been up to so far. We've talked about the emotion, the intellectual, spiritual, experiential,
so, social, creative, conflict, aesthetic,
and even work intimacies. But now we are down to the 10th week. We are down to
(14:07):
what is
physical intimacy,
and
how does that
how does that work? And so well, we know what a lot of it is. Okay? We know
that physical intimacy is as a whole when you most men first hear it, they're going,
oh, there you go. We're playing you know, we're doing a little.
(14:28):
You know, we're getting it on. We're, you know, we're having we're having sex. And, yes, for us guys, that
is our greatest
means of seeing 1 no recognizing that our wife truly loves us.
Because, 1, we don't have
I mean, we can, but we're
(14:49):
the vast majority of men are not going
to opt for, I don't wanna have sex with you right now because you made me mad.
Women control
even though feminists love to run around and they wanna say that
the patriarchy has all the power.
No.
The patriarchy
doesn't have all the power. Matriarchy
(15:11):
doesn't have all the power either.
We each have our own formed levels of power.
My power is I can protect my wife from a bad guy. My wife's power is she can she decides
when sex is gonna happen. Doesn't take much for you know, just takes a light breeze,
and and I'm ready to go even at 50.
(15:33):
It now granted it's not a
teenager
rate.
You know?
It's not like
slap. We're okay. We're here. You know? It's it's, everything's right out of rip, but, you know, we're still
we're still red blooded American
man who is
can
get up and go when the times time needs to be. But women have that ability. Women have the power to decide, yeah, we're gonna have Nookie tonight. No. We're not gonna have Nookie.
(16:05):
And so there's a lot of power that women have. And so when
because we
recognize that that is a power women have,
when we get told no, we make that mean that we are not worthy
of our wife's love. Does that mean that's what it actually is? No. But that's how it feels to men. We get denied
(16:27):
sex. We get denied physical interactions,
and we wonder what's wrong with us.
We we make it personal. Well, everybody makes all of the bad feelings within them
out of something personal that has nothing personal to do with us.
Our wife just may be
not feeling good. She just you know, maybe she had a really crappy day at work. She is not in the mood to be go to be dropping clothes. She'd been deal and maybe she's you still got kids in the house and one's still in diapers, and it barfed all over her. And she is just her her emotional,
(17:04):
well has run dry, and she doesn't have anything. And all of a sudden, you're going up there wanting to go, hey, baby. You wanna make another baby?
And she's like, no. Leave me alone. Sleep on the couch. Give me a room. I just I don't want any physical interaction with anybody right now because I've had too much physical interaction today. And we can make that mean, oh, well, she doesn't like me. She doesn't love me anymore. She doesn't want me. She's she's frigid. You know, we'll come up with all these terms because our wife
(17:33):
isn't ready to to to go boinking when we wanna go boinking.
So we make
physical intimacy
mean
terrible things when we don't get it. So when we do get it, us guys are like, hot diggity dog, man.
She loves me. I did it get I did everything right this time. I she she loves me. She really, really you know, it's kinda like, off the mask. They love me. They like me. They really, really like me. You know?
(18:01):
We we we have
that almost that type of interaction when our wife says, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get naked, and let's let's
let's bump uglies.
So but there's more than
just sex
when it comes to our
to our
types of physical intimacy. There's the hug.
(18:22):
If you wanna
increase the intimacy in your in your life, if you wanna increase the possibility of having the physical intimacy that you want, you can actually
help your wife out
by just coming up to her and giving her
a 6 second hug.
Hug her for 6 seconds,
(18:43):
12 seconds,
30 seconds.
That
extended
skin to skin contact as you as your hands touch her arms or her back or the neck back of her neck,
that contact
releases all the endorphins
and and,
and and all the other neuroreceptors
(19:04):
and, and oxy I think oxytocin
is the, is the love drug. Not a not a brain scientist in any form, fashion. Don't even play 1 on a podcast.
So but, anyhow, those hugs
release those chemicals in your body so that you feel
more connected.
That's one reason why the time a woman's
(19:25):
has the most
oxytocin in her in her blood is the moment she holds her
newborn child
to her chest.
When she cradles her newborn child, there is such a bonding that goes on to there,
And that bonding happens when the man hugs the wife. The wife feels that the wife the connections is being built. You get that that connection also.
(19:51):
Hand holding or as I what I normally do is when we're walking, to the from Walmart across the the, parking lot at Walmart, I offer my wife an
from Walmart across the the, parking lot of Walmart, I offer my wife an an an arm. She takes an arm and we walk that way to the in the in the Walmart. Why? Because that's how
we've
always done it. That's just how we stay connected.
(20:12):
We and she may be pissed off at me. There's been times she is not gonna take my arm. And then there's times, yeah, she's mad at me, but she still will at least hold on to my arm as we cross the street
because it I always offer that arm to her.
But we also get that same
from
hand holding
and even shaking hands, any type of skin to skin contact.
(20:35):
We're going to have
that type of
interaction,
and we're gonna have the needed,
we're gonna have the the building of of physical intimacy.
So why is it that we want
this physical intimacy so much? I mean, we know that it can with the lack of it causes so much
(20:56):
stress, pain, anguish, and, you know, just,
you know?
And it it's just one of those
when we don't when we're running low on it, it's like being
without sugar for a week.
We get grumpy. We get cranky because
where our brain is
hungry
(21:16):
for that type of of interaction, our brain is hungry for
for that oxytocin and the dopamine and the serotonin and the other onins and all the other onin onins that we produce in our body. And when our brains don't have it, it wigs out going, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I we need this. This is the reason why we have such a hard time putting our phones down because
(21:40):
that phone provides so much dopamine and serotonin,
bumps that
it's it's
could be easily assumed as being addictive. Those there's no such thing as addiction.
They're you know, we like to associate the word addiction to people who can't put their phone down
because they like that steady stream of serotonin.
(22:03):
And where you've gotten used to that steady stream of serotonin. So when
we set it down, all of a sudden, our brain's going, oh, it goes into wake up mode.
And it starts spazzing out, and it starts
causing you know, we start wanting to twitch and shit. You know? So we have to worry,
when we don't have our phones. We have to we start to worry
(22:24):
when we don't get the hugs, the kisses, the attaboys, the pat on the backs, the the loving stroke across the shoulder from her wife,
or if we go and offer a handshake to a to a a a fellow guy and he just looks at it and doesn't shake your hand. There is a lack, we were anticipating
a bump of oxytocin in that because we were had a small bond that was forming, and all of a sudden, that got denied. So we feel
(22:51):
crappy.
So our minds
want
those little rewards. Our mind wants those those good jobs. You've you've continued to help the human race,
along, but the issue that we run into
is that
we can all actually become addicted. Well, I'm using the word addiction. No. Again, like I said, there's no such thing as addiction.
(23:14):
But we
can become so addicted to the touch that
guys cheat.
Well, women cheat. People cheat
because they want oh, it's not it's not because they don't love the other person.
They cheat because they are getting what they perceive as the right amount of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, yada yada yada za
(23:36):
that they want.
And they want to try to blame this other person for the lack of of it when it's it's not not anybody's fault other than yours. You are the one if you wanna have more oxytocin in your in your bloodstream,
then do things that create more oxytocin. But it's also not a bad thing to deny yourself some oxytocin from time to time. That way, when you actually have
(24:03):
a a interaction,
it feels that much better.
So how do we get more physical intimacy? Well, first off, I would say
start working on those other 9
intimacies.
Allow yourself to feel those emotions. When you're,
scared that something's gonna happen,
don't try to run off and and avoid being scared. If you feel
(24:26):
inadequate
because your wife said no, allow yourself to feel that shame
of being inadequate for whatever reason,
and know that
we all run off the model. We all have our own model as that we're that we're working with.
So
you're not able to, if you're not getting
(24:47):
the dopamine that you require
or dopamine that you perceive that you require or the oxytocin that you want, you're not getting the physical intimacy that you want,
then
why are you what are the thoughts that you're having that are leading to that lack of of result?
Your thoughts create your emotions.
So
(25:08):
if you're not having all the sex as much sex as you want,
what thought are you having
about the lack of sex? Say, the sex that you're say, you you didn't you were supposed to have sex on Saturday, and y'all didn't have it last night. Alright?
So this morning, you get up and you cranky about it because you were expecting a nice beautiful flood of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin,
(25:33):
melatonin, any any other onins that are out there. It didn't happen. So you wake up this morning, you're kind of you're kind of a grumble butt. What's the thought that you're having?
It's probably something along the lines of why why am I not good enough to have sex? Something to that effect or you're having
that thought immediately getting covered up with another thought of, well, she's just frigid.
(25:55):
Because we don't like that that shame emotion.
We don't like the thought that creates the shame, I am not enough.
So we hide that up with a different thought. And so the we get really confused
and and mixed up with, well, it's her fault. Well, okay. You could think that. And because you're thinking that particular thought,
(26:18):
your action is probably resentment,
probably anger. I will but we'll stick with resentment because you're resenting her because she decided she didn't
she promised us this Saturday this last Saturday last night that we were going to have sex, and
she just crawled into bed in her 5 layers of clothing
and turned the light off, said good night, gave you a kiss, and that was all, and went to sleep. And you're sitting there in in your boxers going, what the hey. You know? So you're feeling a little resentful towards wife. Well, how do you show up being resentful?
(26:52):
What are the actions that you take? Remember, the model is your
thoughts
create your feelings, your feelings create your actions, your actions create your results.
So if you're feeling resentful,
how are you acting?
If you're acting like a
like, you know, like a spoiled brat and you're just kind
(27:15):
of stuffing around and,
Well, you're not being very loving towards your wife. You're not producing
the wanted desires, so she's definitely not gonna have sex with you. She may have just ate a bad piece of,
piece of me food, and she's feeling like shit. So she just wants to go to bed. So all of a sudden, you're making it means, again, something to you.
(27:37):
You're taking it personally when it's not it has nothing to do with you.
It has everything to do with her. But because we make it personal, all of a sudden, we're sitting around going, yeah. Never mind. I don't care to you know, I'm I'm going to sabotage
our connection,
and sabotaging that connection is exactly what you do. And so, yeah, when it's time that she decides, I was gonna have sex with you tonight, but you know what? You're being kind of a rascal. I don't care to deal with with you, and so we're done. We're not gonna do it tonight.
(28:09):
Good luck. Sorry, buddy. We're gonna try next week, which then, if you're not
being intentional in your thoughts, you're gonna be going, well, yeah. I'm sure you will. We'll I'm sure we'll be doing it next week. You'll tell me that we're doing it next week until next week comes along, and all of a sudden, you ain't gonna wanna do it again.
I know. I've had these thoughts.
(28:30):
I had these running in victim mode, victim mindset, keeping this
circle going. And I did it for 15 years and wondered why
before I changed who I was,
why I was only having sex every
3 to 6 months.
Yeah. We were going
(28:51):
3 to 6 months. I would sat there, and there was a couple a couple years where I only had sex twice a year.
That's
it's a frustrating time.
And so you start doing other things that take you out of being a dad, tie take you out of being a father, take you out of being a husband,
takes you out of the game
essentially
(29:11):
because you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself.
Do you want more physical intimacy? Then you have to take the time to start working on the emotional aspect.
We're building up the emotional intimacy.
Get find a church.
And if your wife doesn't wanna go to church, find out why. What is it about the church that she hates?
What type of experience did she
(29:33):
actually have? Not than what her teacher told her she had, but what experiences did she actually have? And a lot of times, you're gonna find they didn't. My wife, she did have a a experience
with church.
She had a youth pastor who became a stepdad, who became a,
I don't wanna say a narcissist because, you know, I mean, there's all I don't think that was him, but he was definitely a very controlling
(29:58):
bastard.
That's a good way to put that. And but he was a youth pastor at the church that her mom and her went to. And so they just so that caused
her to associate church
with
the Gary dude
and sees everybody as fake.
No.
(30:18):
Again, we we can look at look at church in many different ways. You can look at it as it's being a horrible place that everybody is fake, or you can look at it as it's a hospital
for sinners. It's not a museum for saints.
But, again, this is us just
trying to get things figured out.
We have experiences. We have go out. We start do you have to start doing things and having having experiences with your wife so y'all can have the intellectual conversations.
(30:48):
You go out. You go to church so you have the spiritual
sharing.
You and y'all talk about your spiritual
thoughts and beliefs,
and y'all work these through. You don't have to have them, but you start taking some that she likes, and there's nothing wrong with taking those and making them yours.
Beliefs are nothing more than thoughts perceived to be true.
(31:08):
So you can actually have the
the thought of, I like that.
I like the thought I like the the thought that of of what
grace theology does, that god loved us so much that he forgave us of all of our sins,
every single one of them. So going through and asking god for forgiveness
(31:31):
is asking god for forget for forgiveness
of stuff that he's already forgiven us of.
So it kinda defeats the purpose. And a lot of people wanna throw throw a a
the thought around of, well, of where why what's gonna keep him from, forgiving you from for, for murdering. So that give you free reign to murder?
No. Not really because you still want to try to make your life as best as possible. You still wanna live
(31:57):
the best life you can
for your for your god. But these are all
you have to work through all of these
intimacies,
have the discussions,
bring up the intellectual
discussions,
have the experiences
of the discussions, have the experiences
of you not agreeing with what she said,
(32:18):
and then turning around around and having a discussion.
May even get a little heated at times. There may be some
true emotions flaring up.
Yet when you are done,
you will have a better,
stronger relationship, one where she loves and trusts you more because you didn't go running for the hills just because she didn't agree with you. And all of a sudden, holy smokes. She, yeah, just got finished arguing, and her clothes are just falling off. She's naked looking at you, wondering why you're still clothed.
(32:50):
And these happen.
They're amazing. It it they're fun when it happens. It's a lot of people like to call it makeup sex. Have more makeup sex. That's some of the greatest sex you'll have because y'all are so
damn close at that moment.
Because you have
made
up. You came to a resolution,
and so things got better. So if you want more physical intimacy,
(33:16):
then you have to
start having
more true
intimacies of emotional
and and and such. And a good example of this is look at the college kids and their that screwed up world of of of the hookup culture.
They wonder why they can't find anybody. All the the the women run around well, the young women run around and wondering, well, all there are just guys that wanna get laid.
(33:42):
Well, you kinda made it easy for them. You didn't give them something to work for. What would happen if you gave him something to work for? You wanna know a a a real guy? Have him work for that sex.
Have him hold off abstain from sex until
can he abstain from sex until
he you hear I do out of his lips?
You you do that, you will find an amazing
(34:05):
relationship going on there.
This is something that I understand
young ones have a hard time grasping,
have a hard time fully understanding because their bodies are screaming,
get laid.
But
it is
the
holding off. Can you have different can you work on the other intimacies before you have
(34:28):
the physical intimacy?
There's I often have had a guys do
a a test where they hold off
30 days. Can you go 30 days
without
any
physical intimacy?
That's holding hands, kissing,
any of that.
If you do and your girlfriend at the same time and a lot of times, this is what guys that are struggling or wanting to have better relationships with the girlfriends.
(34:55):
Hold off and try
30 days with no physical no hand holding, no touching of the back.
Y'all can
set,
talk, have experiences, all the other intimacy, but physical.
Because physical
is actually the easiest one to have,
but when you add the emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential, social, creative, conflict,
(35:18):
aesthetic, and work
altogether,
and you throw that into a ball and then you ignite it with physical intimacy,
you're gonna have a better sex life. You're gonna have a better relationship
all around
because your
your relationship
isn't based on the physical intimacy.
It's based on the fact that y'all share each other share your emotions with each other. Y'all have the discussions that allow you yourselves to expand, grow, and become better. You're able to fight it out because you know she's not gonna run for the hills. She knows you're not gonna run for the hills. Y'all are going to have a great relationship.
(35:55):
So what are you gonna do? What is
the steps
that that are needed?
Well, you need to work on those other intimacies. If you're struggling on getting laid more often,
then stop worrying about getting laid so much.
Soften about that. Soften yourself around that and start working more on all the other intimacies.
(36:16):
The physical intimacy will come along because, again, your wife kinda controls that aspect of it. And when you can have
a good solid
discussion
without running away or without having to worry about
about, you know,
trying to manipulate her emotions so that she feels, you know,
a little more turned on, you're going to find that your sex life is better. You're gonna have a better relationship.
(36:41):
Y'all's relationship's gonna be stronger. You're gonna trust each other a hell of a lot more.
Can you do that? Yes. You can. And if you want help on doing that, hit me up. You can go to relax mail.comforward/trycoaching.
I and this is a free deal. There's no no money involved. I'm not even gonna hit you up on it. And you can go and you can
(37:02):
head up, get a free coaching session. Well, 30 minute power coaching session.
We'll try it out, and you can get to see. Okay. I see what coaching is about. Because a lot of us guys, we don't know what it what it is. We think, oh my gosh. We're gonna sit around and talk about our life, and that sounds so freaking boring.
And it is. If you're talking about your life with no no goal in sight,
(37:26):
it is. It's a it's a boring discussion. You don't really don't have much to talk about. You're just kind of like,
alright. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, oh, yeah. I saw a deer the other day. Oh, okay.
Doesn't mean anything.
But when you have a a
purpose involved,
when you have a goal in sight,
things get better, things become stronger,
(37:49):
and you become more determined to achieve that that goal.
So if you would like to see what coaching is like, you'd like to have a little sample coaching session,
all you have to do is go to relaxmail.comforward/trycoaching
and see what we have there. So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much. Guys, if y'all will listen on any of the streams,
(38:12):
thank you again for watching also. And, guys, we I
I appreciate everything that you've done.
If anything on that was talked about here resonated with you, struck a bell with you, and you could and you're thinking about somebody who could benefit from listening to this,
share it with them.
All of our podcast apps that out there now have some form of share capability. All you have to do is hit that share button, send it as a text message going, hey, dude. I think this is gonna help you out tremendously.
(38:42):
Hey, man. I I found found this really powerful. You whatever it is you wanna say, send it off to them. Put it out on Facebook, Instagram,
x, wherever it is you wanna put it up, and let, the other guys in your in your
your community know that, hey. There is a podcast out there that is helping men change how they approach their relationship,
(39:04):
change how they are seeing the world so that they can actually have a better
life. So, guys,
let them know. Share it out. Share it with your family, your friends, your neighbors, your cousins, your best, best friend.
And
we'll see y'all next week because next week, we're gonna,
we got a special guest. We're coming we're gonna have, Don Wiggins coming on, next week on top of that, and that's a good one to watch. So, guys,
(39:30):
thanks again for watching. Y'all take care. Catch y'all later.
Bye.
Alright. We are at the last
episode
for this series
of what in the world is
this type of intimacy.
We are talking
physical intimacy
this week on episode
251
of the relaxed male.
This is the relaxed male.
(00:21):
A show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
Join the host certified coach Brian Goodwin as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
Alright, guys. So today
(00:43):
is our last
episode in the series
of what are what are the different types
of intimacies out there.
We've been talking about work intimacy. We've talked about,
oh, good grief. There well, there's 10 of them. There's emotional and intellectual. Let me get the list brought up.
(01:04):
Spiritual,
experiential,
social, creative, conflict,
aesthetic,
work. And finally, we're to the big cahona.
We are talking about physical intimacy this time. So
we have a lot,
lot to talk about, but, you know, at the same time, it it's not anything too terribly bad. We are live and lit. We are
(01:27):
on the for podcasting 2 point o type of application apps out there. We can I almost said application? Like, I was born in the seventies or something.
I was. So
so anyhow but we we are,
we're talking about different types of intimacy,
and I've just got myself completely sidetracked there.
(01:49):
Yeah. There we go. We're
we're starting off on a good run this time. But, yeah, I was talking about podcasting 2.0 apps because,
we are
live
and live streaming to podcasting 2.0 apps. You can find,
live streaming through different apps like the fountain app,
which is available on both,
(02:10):
the iPhone and Android. You can get us live on, I believe,
Cast O Matic, which is only iPhone only, but, Podcast Guru, it works on both platforms. This is a great,
and it's kinda my go to for podcasting 2.0 stuff. It has all most of the stuff covered. There's a few other things,
(02:32):
also like,
True Fans. True Fans dot f m, fix to come out with an actual downloadable
app, out there, and that's gonna make things a whole lot more interesting because they cover all the different new types of tags that podcasting 2.0
has. But anyhow,
this so you can actually listen while you're driving down the road. You don't have to be watching on on TikTok or YouTube
(02:56):
or any of those, types of things. You can actually just listen to what I am having to say. And this week, we're gonna be talking about
physical intimacy. Yeah.
That, got a lot of guys' attention right there. And this the reason why we're doing this is because we did we've been for the past this is the 10th week,
and it's gone
(03:17):
fast. It has gone a lot faster than I thought it would.
And
we're k. I came across
a article on choose therapy because I had a lot of my guys
talking,
wanting to know about intimacy and how do we how do they increase intimacy
with their wives. And it's
(03:39):
it sounds like it's like, well, you just be more intimate. Well, you just you schmooze or more. You know? But these are all different. What everybody suggests actually boils down to what
is intimacy. And that's kind of what I started everything off with. It's like, okay. Well, let's let's step back.
First off, what
in the world is intimacy?
(04:00):
And
through my searches, I came across a a article called choose therapy,
or on the site called choose therapy, and it was about the 10 different types of intimacy that's out there. There's physical intimacy, which is what we're talking about today. We've got emotional and intellectual
intimacy.
And just
(04:20):
as a quick review, emotional intimacy
or, well, intimacy in as a as a whole
is
what we share with our loved one, what we share with on people that we are close to. Alright? That's what intimacy is. What are you sharing? So with our wives, we're gonna share from time to time physical intimacy. Alright? We're going to we're gonna hold hands. We're going to you know, we're gonna have we're gonna we're gonna play the horizontal mambo from time to time. You know, we're gonna have these these different types of
(04:55):
of interactions, but
physical intimacy also means a hug. So we are physically intimate with our kids. We are physically intimate with our good friends too because there's maybe times we haven't seen them in a while. And so what do we do? We give them a go up, and we give them a hug. We put an arm around the shoulder. Something like that. That is physical intimacy too. Even something as small as a handshake can be physical intimacy. So we're talking about physical intimacy,
(05:20):
but we're also sharing emotionals. Are you able to share your emotions
with your spouse? This is one the big thing that we the first one that we did. We talked about sharing
the emotions. Now it's not meaning that you share and and
and do emotional vomiting
upon your spouse
because your boss gave you a hard hard time today, but it's just,
(05:44):
are you able to have
your emotions? Are you able to feel your emotions
around your spouse? And a lot of guys, because society has told you, you're not supposed to do that, they try to block their they try to avoid from being emotionally
intimate,
and that's what women want. Women want you to be emotionally intimate. They want
(06:06):
you to feel your emotions. It's not that you have to share them. You don't have to sit there and, well, my boss was mean to me, and so I've just and, well, I had a bad day, and my I was full of anxiety and fear, and I I I didn't know what to do. You know? This no one cares
about that. Okay? Your wife is just gonna mentally check out the moment you try to verbally
(06:29):
vomit
your emotions all over her. Alright? But she wants you wants to see you
have those emotions. Don't try to stop those emotions from happening.
Stop don't just hold those emotions back.
So we also have the the intimacy of intellectual. So how well do you share your thoughts
(06:51):
with your spouse?
This is one that a lot of guys struggle with because
we want
to share our intellect, but then is our wife able to share her intellect with you?
So sharing and and building
and taking her thoughts and making them yours and taking your thoughts and making them hers,
that's part of the intellectual intimacy. Can you have those
(07:15):
deep thought
conversations
with your wife?
If you are if you are, great. Awesome.
Keep it up. If not, then, well, that might be something you go on and work on a bit. Another one is spiritual.
How spiritual are y'all together? Do y'all go to a church?
Or do y'all just stand around and go, we we're not very religious, but we're very spiritual.
(07:39):
Okay. That's
BS in in many, many different layers, but we're not gonna break that particular layer down. But at the same time, you want to be spiritual.
Have are you able to share spiritual your spirituality
with your wife? Yes. Then you've got a okay. You've got a basis of your spiritual intimacy.
(08:01):
Experiential.
This is kind of the line of demarcation.
Anything after experiential
basically is just another form or a subset of the experience that you share with your wife. Alright?
So
not just is not only is experiential
intimacy
you and her going out and having different experiences, going on a on a trip, going to a museum, going to
(08:29):
work at a, work at a soup kitchen. You know? Doing these things, having these different experiences
together
is good. Going walking the, you know, walking the Camino de Santiago
would be a spiritual
and experiential,
intimacy that both of you and your wife were able to have. Or if you went with your son or your daughter or your best friend or whoever, with the person you go with, y'all would have some experiences
(08:57):
that y'all shared together.
And so that's where the term the physical intimacy comes into. There's also social. How many friends do y'all share with each other? Do you have her her does she have her friends and they're her friends and you have your friends and they're your friends, or do you have some really good friends that are also her friends? And that's kind of a and it's kind of a weird deal because especially if that relationship ever splits apart. You know, you've got those friends who are her friends are going to be
(09:28):
on on team wife
while
your friends are gonna be on team team you, but you
how social
interactions
do y'all share together?
So do y'all go out? Do y'all
have,
go to to no. I don't know. Go to I was gonna say a dance club. I don't think dance clubs even exist anymore.
(09:53):
But you go out. You go amongst the town. Go in. Have a good time
socially
with other people, and
that is are you able to share a social interaction with your wife, or are you very withdrawn
from her? Creative experiences or creative intimacy is also another
subset of the experiential. How well do you create together?
(10:16):
Do you create with
with your with your spouse? Do y'all create, any type of,
any art, any type of a home? There's a lot of things you can create.
And the creative
intimacy, the ability to share the creative process with your spouse
is where that comes into play. I'm gonna skip over the 8th one for right now because I well and I'll get back to it, but then there's the aesthetic.
(10:43):
So what do you do y'all find share the same
ideas of what beauty is?
Do you have the same
views of beauty?
Some people do. Some people don't. And that makes for a very
allows for y'all to actually dive into the intellectual port,
portion of intimacy. That's kind of the neat thing about this intimacy is that they will or most intimacies
(11:07):
is they kinda lead into other intimacies.
So when you share your aesthetic conflict, creative, social, experiential, spiritual,
intellectual, emotional,
intimacies, when y'all leak them all together, you're pretty much gonna end up winding up having
physical intimacy. You're gonna get to do the play hide the baloney.
The so besides for aesthetic, there's also work. What type of
(11:32):
of do y'all share your workdays with each other? Do you share
work together? Can y'all work together efficiently, or do y'all do like me and my wife? And y'all can get stuff done, but there's gonna be some hurt feelings at the end of everything. So we have to work. We need to work on our on our work intimacy a lot more. We struggle with that. That's okay. We understand that we struggle with it. Now the number 8 is the one that I kinda jumped over because this is actually a really important intimacy
(12:03):
to have.
Jason Gladwell
and,
several other,
well known,
counselors and therapists and folks like that, John Gottman,
all say that this type of intimacy is actually very much needed for a relationship
to grow and flourish.
And this relationship, this, intimacy is the conflict intimacy, and that's almost a it's actually kind of a, an oxymoron.
(12:30):
They're 2,
conflict and intimacy. There's two sides of the spectrum is what they look like. They are two sides of the same coin,
but you have to be able to have
disagreements
with your wife. Can you share your disagreement
with your wife
and have
a discussion
about that? Can you have these these different and altering views
(12:54):
and
one or both of y'all don't run away from it? Are y'all is there someone who is
conflict,
avoidant and that they
something starts to get a little things start getting a little little, heated in discussions,
they shut down. They turn off. They're like, oh, I don't wanna talk about it. Fuck off. Nope. It's out here, and y'all no.
(13:17):
Nothing happens, and you don't get nothing anywhere with the relationship
because, you know, you don't have the ability
to break down the BS
that's holding everything together,
burn the fluff away, and be left with just the true means of what that connection is.
And with that true form of connection, any damaged parts that are there, you can actually start to rekindle those. You all you can repair and reconnect.
(13:45):
And so you need conflict and, intimacy to get anywhere.
So with that, that's what we've been up to so far. We've talked about the emotion, the intellectual, spiritual, experiential,
so, social, creative, conflict, aesthetic,
and even work intimacies. But now we are down to the 10th week. We are down to
(14:07):
what is
physical intimacy,
and
how does that
how does that work? And so well, we know what a lot of it is. Okay? We know
that physical intimacy is as a whole when you most men first hear it, they're going,
oh, there you go. We're playing you know, we're doing a little.
(14:28):
You know, we're getting it on. We're, you know, we're having we're having sex. And, yes, for us guys, that
is our greatest
means of seeing 1 no recognizing that our wife truly loves us.
Because, 1, we don't have
I mean, we can, but we're
(14:49):
the vast majority of men are not going
to opt for, I don't wanna have sex with you right now because you made me mad.
Women control
even though feminists love to run around and they wanna say that
the patriarchy has all the power.
No.
The patriarchy
doesn't have all the power. Matriarchy
(15:11):
doesn't have all the power either.
We each have our own formed levels of power.
My power is I can protect my wife from a bad guy. My wife's power is she can she decides
when sex is gonna happen. Doesn't take much for you know, just takes a light breeze,
and and I'm ready to go even at 50.
(15:33):
It now granted it's not a
teenager
rate.
You know?
It's not like
slap. We're okay. We're here. You know? It's it's, everything's right out of rip, but, you know, we're still
we're still red blooded American
man who is
can
get up and go when the times time needs to be. But women have that ability. Women have the power to decide, yeah, we're gonna have Nookie tonight. No. We're not gonna have Nookie.
(16:05):
And so there's a lot of power that women have. And so when
because we
recognize that that is a power women have,
when we get told no, we make that mean that we are not worthy
of our wife's love. Does that mean that's what it actually is? No. But that's how it feels to men. We get denied
(16:27):
sex. We get denied physical interactions,
and we wonder what's wrong with us.
We we make it personal. Well, everybody makes all of the bad feelings within them
out of something personal that has nothing personal to do with us.
Our wife just may be
not feeling good. She just you know, maybe she had a really crappy day at work. She is not in the mood to be go to be dropping clothes. She'd been deal and maybe she's you still got kids in the house and one's still in diapers, and it barfed all over her. And she is just her her emotional,
(17:04):
well has run dry, and she doesn't have anything. And all of a sudden, you're going up there wanting to go, hey, baby. You wanna make another baby?
And she's like, no. Leave me alone. Sleep on the couch. Give me a room. I just I don't want any physical interaction with anybody right now because I've had too much physical interaction today. And we can make that mean, oh, well, she doesn't like me. She doesn't love me anymore. She doesn't want me. She's she's frigid. You know, we'll come up with all these terms because our wife
(17:33):
isn't ready to to to go boinking when we wanna go boinking.
So we make
physical intimacy
mean
terrible things when we don't get it. So when we do get it, us guys are like, hot diggity dog, man.
She loves me. I did it get I did everything right this time. I she she loves me. She really, really you know, it's kinda like, off the mask. They love me. They like me. They really, really like me. You know?
(18:01):
We we we have
that almost that type of interaction when our wife says, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get naked, and let's let's
let's bump uglies.
So but there's more than
just sex
when it comes to our
to our
types of physical intimacy. There's the hug.
(18:22):
If you wanna
increase the intimacy in your in your life, if you wanna increase the possibility of having the physical intimacy that you want, you can actually
help your wife out
by just coming up to her and giving her
a 6 second hug.
Hug her for 6 seconds,
(18:43):
12 seconds,
30 seconds.
That
extended
skin to skin contact as you as your hands touch her arms or her back or the neck back of her neck,
that contact
releases all the endorphins
and and,
and and all the other neuroreceptors
(19:04):
and, and oxy I think oxytocin
is the, is the love drug. Not a not a brain scientist in any form, fashion. Don't even play 1 on a podcast.
So but, anyhow, those hugs
release those chemicals in your body so that you feel
more connected.
That's one reason why the time a woman's
(19:25):
has the most
oxytocin in her in her blood is the moment she holds her
newborn child
to her chest.
When she cradles her newborn child, there is such a bonding that goes on to there,
And that bonding happens when the man hugs the wife. The wife feels that the wife the connections is being built. You get that that connection also.
(19:51):
Hand holding or as I what I normally do is when we're walking, to the from Walmart across the the, parking lot at Walmart, I offer my wife an
from Walmart across the the, parking lot of Walmart, I offer my wife an an an arm. She takes an arm and we walk that way to the in the in the Walmart. Why? Because that's how
we've
always done it. That's just how we stay connected.
(20:12):
We and she may be pissed off at me. There's been times she is not gonna take my arm. And then there's times, yeah, she's mad at me, but she still will at least hold on to my arm as we cross the street
because it I always offer that arm to her.
But we also get that same
from
hand holding
and even shaking hands, any type of skin to skin contact.
(20:35):
We're going to have
that type of
interaction,
and we're gonna have the needed,
we're gonna have the the building of of physical intimacy.
So why is it that we want
this physical intimacy so much? I mean, we know that it can with the lack of it causes so much
(20:56):
stress, pain, anguish, and, you know, just,
you know?
And it it's just one of those
when we don't when we're running low on it, it's like being
without sugar for a week.
We get grumpy. We get cranky because
where our brain is
hungry
(21:16):
for that type of of interaction, our brain is hungry for
for that oxytocin and the dopamine and the serotonin and the other onins and all the other onin onins that we produce in our body. And when our brains don't have it, it wigs out going, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I we need this. This is the reason why we have such a hard time putting our phones down because
(21:40):
that phone provides so much dopamine and serotonin,
bumps that
it's it's
could be easily assumed as being addictive. Those there's no such thing as addiction.
They're you know, we like to associate the word addiction to people who can't put their phone down
because they like that steady stream of serotonin.
(22:03):
And where you've gotten used to that steady stream of serotonin. So when
we set it down, all of a sudden, our brain's going, oh, it goes into wake up mode.
And it starts spazzing out, and it starts
causing you know, we start wanting to twitch and shit. You know? So we have to worry,
when we don't have our phones. We have to we start to worry
(22:24):
when we don't get the hugs, the kisses, the attaboys, the pat on the backs, the the loving stroke across the shoulder from her wife,
or if we go and offer a handshake to a to a a a fellow guy and he just looks at it and doesn't shake your hand. There is a lack, we were anticipating
a bump of oxytocin in that because we were had a small bond that was forming, and all of a sudden, that got denied. So we feel
(22:51):
crappy.
So our minds
want
those little rewards. Our mind wants those those good jobs. You've you've continued to help the human race,
along, but the issue that we run into
is that
we can all actually become addicted. Well, I'm using the word addiction. No. Again, like I said, there's no such thing as addiction.
(23:14):
But we
can become so addicted to the touch that
guys cheat.
Well, women cheat. People cheat
because they want oh, it's not it's not because they don't love the other person.
They cheat because they are getting what they perceive as the right amount of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, yada yada yada za
(23:36):
that they want.
And they want to try to blame this other person for the lack of of it when it's it's not not anybody's fault other than yours. You are the one if you wanna have more oxytocin in your in your bloodstream,
then do things that create more oxytocin. But it's also not a bad thing to deny yourself some oxytocin from time to time. That way, when you actually have
(24:03):
a a interaction,
it feels that much better.
So how do we get more physical intimacy? Well, first off, I would say
start working on those other 9
intimacies.
Allow yourself to feel those emotions. When you're,
scared that something's gonna happen,
don't try to run off and and avoid being scared. If you feel
(24:26):
inadequate
because your wife said no, allow yourself to feel that shame
of being inadequate for whatever reason,
and know that
we all run off the model. We all have our own model as that we're that we're working with.
So
you're not able to, if you're not getting
(24:47):
the dopamine that you require
or dopamine that you perceive that you require or the oxytocin that you want, you're not getting the physical intimacy that you want,
then
why are you what are the thoughts that you're having that are leading to that lack of of result?
Your thoughts create your emotions.
So
(25:08):
if you're not having all the sex as much sex as you want,
what thought are you having
about the lack of sex? Say, the sex that you're say, you you didn't you were supposed to have sex on Saturday, and y'all didn't have it last night. Alright?
So this morning, you get up and you cranky about it because you were expecting a nice beautiful flood of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin,
(25:33):
melatonin, any any other onins that are out there. It didn't happen. So you wake up this morning, you're kind of you're kind of a grumble butt. What's the thought that you're having?
It's probably something along the lines of why why am I not good enough to have sex? Something to that effect or you're having
that thought immediately getting covered up with another thought of, well, she's just frigid.
(25:55):
Because we don't like that that shame emotion.
We don't like the thought that creates the shame, I am not enough.
So we hide that up with a different thought. And so the we get really confused
and and mixed up with, well, it's her fault. Well, okay. You could think that. And because you're thinking that particular thought,
(26:18):
your action is probably resentment,
probably anger. I will but we'll stick with resentment because you're resenting her because she decided she didn't
she promised us this Saturday this last Saturday last night that we were going to have sex, and
she just crawled into bed in her 5 layers of clothing
and turned the light off, said good night, gave you a kiss, and that was all, and went to sleep. And you're sitting there in in your boxers going, what the hey. You know? So you're feeling a little resentful towards wife. Well, how do you show up being resentful?
(26:52):
What are the actions that you take? Remember, the model is your
thoughts
create your feelings, your feelings create your actions, your actions create your results.
So if you're feeling resentful,
how are you acting?
If you're acting like a
like, you know, like a spoiled brat and you're just kind
(27:15):
of stuffing around and,
Well, you're not being very loving towards your wife. You're not producing
the wanted desires, so she's definitely not gonna have sex with you. She may have just ate a bad piece of,
piece of me food, and she's feeling like shit. So she just wants to go to bed. So all of a sudden, you're making it means, again, something to you.
(27:37):
You're taking it personally when it's not it has nothing to do with you.
It has everything to do with her. But because we make it personal, all of a sudden, we're sitting around going, yeah. Never mind. I don't care to you know, I'm I'm going to sabotage
our connection,
and sabotaging that connection is exactly what you do. And so, yeah, when it's time that she decides, I was gonna have sex with you tonight, but you know what? You're being kind of a rascal. I don't care to deal with with you, and so we're done. We're not gonna do it tonight.
(28:09):
Good luck. Sorry, buddy. We're gonna try next week, which then, if you're not
being intentional in your thoughts, you're gonna be going, well, yeah. I'm sure you will. We'll I'm sure we'll be doing it next week. You'll tell me that we're doing it next week until next week comes along, and all of a sudden, you ain't gonna wanna do it again.
I know. I've had these thoughts.
(28:30):
I had these running in victim mode, victim mindset, keeping this
circle going. And I did it for 15 years and wondered why
before I changed who I was,
why I was only having sex every
3 to 6 months.
Yeah. We were going
(28:51):
3 to 6 months. I would sat there, and there was a couple a couple years where I only had sex twice a year.
That's
it's a frustrating time.
And so you start doing other things that take you out of being a dad, tie take you out of being a father, take you out of being a husband,
takes you out of the game
essentially
(29:11):
because you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself.
Do you want more physical intimacy? Then you have to take the time to start working on the emotional aspect.
We're building up the emotional intimacy.
Get find a church.
And if your wife doesn't wanna go to church, find out why. What is it about the church that she hates?
What type of experience did she
(29:33):
actually have? Not than what her teacher told her she had, but what experiences did she actually have? And a lot of times, you're gonna find they didn't. My wife, she did have a a experience
with church.
She had a youth pastor who became a stepdad, who became a,
I don't wanna say a narcissist because, you know, I mean, there's all I don't think that was him, but he was definitely a very controlling
(29:58):
bastard.
That's a good way to put that. And but he was a youth pastor at the church that her mom and her went to. And so they just so that caused
her to associate church
with
the Gary dude
and sees everybody as fake.
No.
(30:18):
Again, we we can look at look at church in many different ways. You can look at it as it's being a horrible place that everybody is fake, or you can look at it as it's a hospital
for sinners. It's not a museum for saints.
But, again, this is us just
trying to get things figured out.
We have experiences. We have go out. We start do you have to start doing things and having having experiences with your wife so y'all can have the intellectual conversations.
(30:48):
You go out. You go to church so you have the spiritual
sharing.
You and y'all talk about your spiritual
thoughts and beliefs,
and y'all work these through. You don't have to have them, but you start taking some that she likes, and there's nothing wrong with taking those and making them yours.
Beliefs are nothing more than thoughts perceived to be true.
(31:08):
So you can actually have the
the thought of, I like that.
I like the thought I like the the thought that of of what
grace theology does, that god loved us so much that he forgave us of all of our sins,
every single one of them. So going through and asking god for forgiveness
(31:31):
is asking god for forget for forgiveness
of stuff that he's already forgiven us of.
So it kinda defeats the purpose. And a lot of people wanna throw throw a a
the thought around of, well, of where why what's gonna keep him from, forgiving you from for, for murdering. So that give you free reign to murder?
No. Not really because you still want to try to make your life as best as possible. You still wanna live
(31:57):
the best life you can
for your for your god. But these are all
you have to work through all of these
intimacies,
have the discussions,
bring up the intellectual
discussions,
have the experiences
of the discussions, have the experiences
of you not agreeing with what she said,
(32:18):
and then turning around around and having a discussion.
May even get a little heated at times. There may be some
true emotions flaring up.
Yet when you are done,
you will have a better,
stronger relationship, one where she loves and trusts you more because you didn't go running for the hills just because she didn't agree with you. And all of a sudden, holy smokes. She, yeah, just got finished arguing, and her clothes are just falling off. She's naked looking at you, wondering why you're still clothed.
(32:50):
And these happen.
They're amazing. It it they're fun when it happens. It's a lot of people like to call it makeup sex. Have more makeup sex. That's some of the greatest sex you'll have because y'all are so
damn close at that moment.
Because you have
made
up. You came to a resolution,
and so things got better. So if you want more physical intimacy,
(33:16):
then you have to
start having
more true
intimacies of emotional
and and and such. And a good example of this is look at the college kids and their that screwed up world of of of the hookup culture.
They wonder why they can't find anybody. All the the the women run around well, the young women run around and wondering, well, all there are just guys that wanna get laid.
(33:42):
Well, you kinda made it easy for them. You didn't give them something to work for. What would happen if you gave him something to work for? You wanna know a a a real guy? Have him work for that sex.
Have him hold off abstain from sex until
can he abstain from sex until
he you hear I do out of his lips?
You you do that, you will find an amazing
(34:05):
relationship going on there.
This is something that I understand
young ones have a hard time grasping,
have a hard time fully understanding because their bodies are screaming,
get laid.
But
it is
the
holding off. Can you have different can you work on the other intimacies before you have
(34:28):
the physical intimacy?
There's I often have had a guys do
a a test where they hold off
30 days. Can you go 30 days
without
any
physical intimacy?
That's holding hands, kissing,
any of that.
If you do and your girlfriend at the same time and a lot of times, this is what guys that are struggling or wanting to have better relationships with the girlfriends.
(34:55):
Hold off and try
30 days with no physical no hand holding, no touching of the back.
Y'all can
set,
talk, have experiences, all the other intimacy, but physical.
Because physical
is actually the easiest one to have,
but when you add the emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential, social, creative, conflict,
(35:18):
aesthetic, and work
altogether,
and you throw that into a ball and then you ignite it with physical intimacy,
you're gonna have a better sex life. You're gonna have a better relationship
all around
because your
your relationship
isn't based on the physical intimacy.
It's based on the fact that y'all share each other share your emotions with each other. Y'all have the discussions that allow you yourselves to expand, grow, and become better. You're able to fight it out because you know she's not gonna run for the hills. She knows you're not gonna run for the hills. Y'all are going to have a great relationship.
(35:55):
So what are you gonna do? What is
the steps
that that are needed?
Well, you need to work on those other intimacies. If you're struggling on getting laid more often,
then stop worrying about getting laid so much.
Soften about that. Soften yourself around that and start working more on all the other intimacies.
(36:16):
The physical intimacy will come along because, again, your wife kinda controls that aspect of it. And when you can have
a good solid
discussion
without running away or without having to worry about
about, you know,
trying to manipulate her emotions so that she feels, you know,
a little more turned on, you're going to find that your sex life is better. You're gonna have a better relationship.
(36:41):
Y'all's relationship's gonna be stronger. You're gonna trust each other a hell of a lot more.
Can you do that? Yes. You can. And if you want help on doing that, hit me up. You can go to relax mail.comforward/trycoaching.
I and this is a free deal. There's no no money involved. I'm not even gonna hit you up on it. And you can go and you can
(37:02):
head up, get a free coaching session. Well, 30 minute power coaching session.
We'll try it out, and you can get to see. Okay. I see what coaching is about. Because a lot of us guys, we don't know what it what it is. We think, oh my gosh. We're gonna sit around and talk about our life, and that sounds so freaking boring.
And it is. If you're talking about your life with no no goal in sight,
(37:26):
it is. It's a it's a boring discussion. You don't really don't have much to talk about. You're just kind of like,
alright. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, oh, yeah. I saw a deer the other day. Oh, okay.
Doesn't mean anything.
But when you have a a
purpose involved,
when you have a goal in sight,
things get better, things become stronger,
(37:49):
and you become more determined to achieve that that goal.
So if you would like to see what coaching is like, you'd like to have a little sample coaching session,
all you have to do is go to relaxmail.comforward/trycoaching
and see what we have there. So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much. Guys, if y'all will listen on any of the streams,
(38:12):
thank you again for watching also. And, guys, we I
I appreciate everything that you've done.
If anything on that was talked about here resonated with you, struck a bell with you, and you could and you're thinking about somebody who could benefit from listening to this,
share it with them.
All of our podcast apps that out there now have some form of share capability. All you have to do is hit that share button, send it as a text message going, hey, dude. I think this is gonna help you out tremendously.
(38:42):
Hey, man. I I found found this really powerful. You whatever it is you wanna say, send it off to them. Put it out on Facebook, Instagram,
x, wherever it is you wanna put it up, and let, the other guys in your in your
your community know that, hey. There is a podcast out there that is helping men change how they approach their relationship,
(39:04):
change how they are seeing the world so that they can actually have a better
life. So, guys,
let them know. Share it out. Share it with your family, your friends, your neighbors, your cousins, your best, best friend.
And
we'll see y'all next week because next week, we're gonna,
we got a special guest. We're coming we're gonna have, Don Wiggins coming on, next week on top of that, and that's a good one to watch. So, guys,
(39:30):
thanks again for watching. Y'all take care. Catch y'all later.
Bye.
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