Halloween - You Can't Spell Fun Size Candy without F.U.

Halloween as a Gen Xer was a treat for so many reasons. We couldn't wait to don our cheap plastic costumes with those masks that nearly caused suffocation and demand our fair share of Milky Way bars and Smarties. It was all pure candy bliss.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
I'm Tony. I'm Eric. We are the sons of San Fernando.But we've been friends for over 40 years. And
grew up together in the San Fernando Valley.These are the stories of our experiences as
adventurous Gen X latchkey slackers from backin the day. And don't forget to hit the follow
or subscribe button so you don't miss an episode.We went to Trader Joe's the other day. Um.

(00:29):
That's my favorite place. in the of any otherplace in the world. That's where I take vacations.
Yeah? Yeah, I go to Trader Joe's. Have you evertried? They don't like it so much, but I love
it. Have you ever tried to trade at Trader Joe's?Have you ever gone in with a cart full of items
and said, listen. Yeah, I bring in old cassettetapes. And I'm like, all right, I got one Billy

(00:53):
Squire and one Kansas and one America, the onewith horse with no name. And Huey Lewis in
the news sports. That's popular. Oh, no, forgetit. sports, you can get a cheese platter. You
get the whole wine section for Huey Lewis. Yeah,that's no problem. You bring in Huey, if you're
bringing in Huey Lewis, if you're bringing inHuey Lewis, you basically walk out with the

(01:14):
store. Yeah, you got carte blanche. Have youever looked for their hidden parrots? No, I've
heard of such things like hidden Mickey's atDisney, the hidden parrots. Hidden Mickey?
You know the hidden Mickey? Yeah, the hiddenMickey's, hidden parrots. Yes, that's right.
They have hidden Mickey's. No, but... And thenthey slip you a Mickey. And here's... The reason

(01:34):
I haven't really paid any attention, at leastlately, to looking at the parrots is that it's
autumn, right? It's fall. It's fall season.What do you have to do with the parrots? is
that there's complete distraction at TraderJoe's and every other place. And that is the
season of fucking pumpkin goddamn spice. Yeah,pumpkin spice everything. Pumpkin spice cookies.

(01:57):
By the way, I just recently bought some pumpkins.I bought, okay, I literally bought a pumpkin
spice enema from Whole Foods. I got pumpkinspice cookies. I ate like five of them. It's
festive. And I was like, something's wrong withthis. Oh, it turned into a pumpkin spice enema.
And it ended up being. a pumpkin spice enema.So it's funny that you mentioned that because

(02:19):
I'm sure. It wasn't labeled as that, but that'swhat the end result, the end result was. Amazing
though, if that's how they delivered enemas,not enemas, that's how they delivered laxatives
to you, was like in a cookie. Like if you'relike. In a pumpkin spice cookie. Like why not?
If you're gonna take laxative medication, whynot get a cookie? Yeah. But what else would
be wonderful to have as pumpkin spice that youdon't get? What would you like to have pumpkin

(02:43):
spice that you don't see already created? See,because I got a few options. Okay, start me
off with one. What would you like to see aspumpkin spice? I would like to have pumpkin
spice shirts, for example. Like clothing. Iwant my clothing. Wait, the color or the scent?
The scent. Scented, one of those scents. I wannawalk around and reek of pumpkin spice myself.

(03:05):
That's number one for me. bacon. I don't know.You know what I would be real hot on? Pumpkin,
pumpkin spice, pumpkin spice lumber. Pump, pumper,lumber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go, you go to
Home Depot and you buy yourself, you know, sometwo-by-fours and it's pumpkin spice. Imagine

(03:26):
the smell when you're building your shed. Sofor the rest of your life, you build houses
out of pumpkin spice. Instead of cedar, likeyou get cedar and you get that nice No, pumpkin
spice, you just smell it in the wood. Pumpkinspice is the predecessor to Halloween. I mean,
okay, so my first memories of Halloween. werethose old... Being beaten up by the cool kids.

(03:55):
Oh well, that was you, that wasn't me. Yeah,sorry. We had those costumes that had, it was
the prepackaged plastic, not fire retardantat all. With the plastic mask, with the little
tiny elastic cord, with your favorite characters.Superheroes. Fonzie it was like it was like

(04:17):
three dollars fucking Halloween costume amazingand they were just Like one size fits none
one size fits none. Yeah, and sometimes no back.They were like, oh, yes the thin plastic They
were throwing they were throw is one and doneand you know, it's funny is as soon as you
said that I could smell them Oh yeah, they had...I could smell the polyurethane. The toxicity,
yeah, yeah. They definitely have given us somesort of cancer. If you could go back. We, GenX

(04:43):
is like, we're like cancer, they should juststudy our molecular structure. to fight off
cancer because that's all we do, is we've beenfighting off carcinogens our whole life. Yeah,
we gladly wore them to go get tricks and ortreats. Yeah, millennials, man, they didn't
experience the carcinogens that we did. No,here's a thing, early on too. No, here's a

(05:07):
little story I'd like to tell. About three badbrothers you know so well. Continue. Early,
early, early Halloween. My mom was thrifty.So even the $5 plastic Halloween throwaway

(05:28):
costume was still a little expensive. So shemade her own, she would take the pool toys
that had broken from the previous summer. Eveneasier than that. What was one of the most
popular Halloween TV specials? back in our day.Charlie Brown's great pumpkin Charlie Brown.
Right exactly and what was one of the popularcostumes in the great pumpkin? Charlie Brown.

(05:52):
The the World War Two flying ace? No. Oh wellokay. The ghost. The ghost right the Charlie
Brown ghost and they could always see Pigpenbecause he was a ghost but it was like the
he had all the dust flying. Yes. You were aghost? Many many years. Oh really. I was white
sheet. Really. Cut the holes out and by theway. Did you have any say in this? I was okay

(06:13):
with it, but the thing is, trip hazard, impossibleto breathe in, always shifted around because
you could never see out of the thing. You'reconstantly eating shit, going upstairs to do
it, because you can't see through those littleholes that your mom cut the eyes out. Did you
get a rock too, like Charlie Brown did whenhe would go to the door? I know. I got a candy,

(06:34):
I got a penny, I got a rock. No, I never. Ilove that. I got a rock! Rock! You know, I
just watched it again with my niece the othernight and I will tell you that special holds
Oh, yeah. No, it's yeah the Vince Guaraldi musicAmazing. This the sop with camel was snoopy

(06:55):
with the whole the fight scene of world wartwo Yeah. Oh, so good. Yeah. So good. But that
set the tone for many years of Halloween costumesbecause it was an easy go-to. It was like,
oh, you're not gonna buy this piece of crapthat we're gonna throw at you. This is fine.
So you still go as a ghost to Halloween? Ohyeah, I still go trick or treating all the

(07:17):
time as a 53 year old. How old are you? Whatwas the last year you went trick or treating?
Oh, probably like 12. 43. Somewhere between12 and 43. We went trick-or-treating ourselves
together multiple times. I was gonna say, Iremember we have a photo. We'll have to put
this one up online. Me, you, Steve Cassidy,and Jeff Greenberg. Yeah, we were all like

(07:39):
gangsters. Yeah, we had a couple of you guyshad some pretty good looking suits. I had Marten
and Brando cotton in my cheeks to get a godfatherlooking a little painted on mustache. I had
my dad's coat on, which my dad was like 6'3",like 200 something. So it was in Nora. I was
like enveloped by it. You look ridiculous. Soand I had like Steve look amazing. Oh dude.

(08:00):
He looked like a hitman from the 70s excepthe had a rope Well, that was the only thing
okay So yeah, it was supposed to be like, youknow One of those like a like a fishing line
or something you'd choke somebody out with likeGodfather style But he had a fucking jump rope.
I know but that's great. No his outfit killedit But he had a jump rope. He had that he had
the Italian fro. He had the aviator glasses.No, no the aviators played He looked great.

(08:26):
Those were good days. You know what? And itwas like, it was nonstop. I know your neighborhood
was good. Mine was good growing up. My neighborhoodwas good until I got jacked. And I was dressed
as like the American flag or something. I hada painted face and I was 10. Wait, wait, wait.
You can't gloss over it. You were dressed asthe American, by choice? Yeah, I was trying
to be creative. It was getting a little, we'regetting towards middle school, trying to do

(08:47):
something a little more. The American flag wasyour choice? That may not even be right. I
saw it's the way I remember it. I know I hada lot of. face paint on and there was definitely
red, white and blue. Well that was a giant mistake.Well here's why, it was even more of a mistake.
I became clearly a target. Well, you might havedeserved it. Maybe I did. I'm going walking
up down the hill with Steve Cassidy, approach,it was a Jeep, it was a fucking Jeep. And these

(09:12):
teenagers lean out of the Jeep and they say,hey, how's it going? And me and Steve are like
amiable. friendly youngsters. Your kids arewhat, 10?
9? 10?
The pillow sack. Oh yeah, the pillow case. Andthen you're using a pillow case. It's not a

(09:34):
sack, it's a case. It's a case. And then we'reusing a case. And we're not, we're using a
pillow case and not the little tub or anything.Yeah, yeah, no, you're past the tub. Yeah,
we're using a pillow case. So they're like,oh, let's see what you got. So, and it's a
girl, of course. She's like this like 18 yearold girl. Oh yeah, you're all about that. And
I'm like, okay. And I come over, I have oldersisters. I trust the older women. Of course.
I come over and they're like, let me see. Andshe asked me to, and I opened the bag. She

(09:58):
grabs the bag and Good night. They got yourcandy. I've told these stories multiple times,
but now for some reason telling it this time,I'm overwhelmed and shocked by... how these
teenagers, no, it's not even stupid, it's horrific.They grabbed onto my bag, I grabbed the bag,

(10:20):
the kid driving the car hits the gas, it's uphill,I'm on the asphalt, I'm not on the sidewalk
anymore. You didn't let go. And I would notlet go of the candle. So what was going through
your mind as a ten-year-old? I'll tell you whatwas going through my mind, I was asphalt surfing.
Full surf. I was asphalt surfing on my knees,and I held on for about 15 feet. So it was
like one of the old westerns where the guy getspulled by the horse. Now I gotta imagine that

(10:44):
this must have been later in the Halloween eveningwhen your sack was full. Like you must have
had a lot of candy is what I'm saying. Becauseyou would have at least let go if you just
started and you went like 3, 4... My sack wasfull. I would have had it. Yeah, you had loot.
I get up from this... I finally let go. Youhad a sack full of smarties. Amazing that I
did not get run over. I could have been killed.These people could have killed a 10 year old.

(11:08):
Yeah, yeah, but whatever. How did the rest ofthis go? I get up. I am... bleeding like I
was shot in the kneecap. Now you look like abloody American flag. It's perfect, now I'm
the Civil War. And we decide to go up to Steve'shouse to clean up my wounds, and we get there.
Back team. And Patti Cassidy, who's a lot tougherthan my mother. was just pissed at me. She

(11:31):
was like, how are you that stupid that you walkedup and showed them that- Patty is the kind
of mom who would go to, she'd go to the cabinet,get some salt and rub it in those fucking wounds.
She basically did. She did, she did put theBactin on it. She did tend to the wounds, clean
them, bandage them. I felt so stupid. And shedid not help. I got back out there and get

(11:52):
some more candy. She was just like, why wouldyou go up to the car? What is wrong with you?
And Steve, in his defense, Did not! Yeah, yeah,well, he... Patty taught him right. Yeah. Well,
you know, you learned your lesson there. I bled.My biggest problem with Halloween has always
been fucking fun size. What's wrong with funsize? It's not fun. It's super fun. No, it's

(12:15):
not. Oh, it is. No, why? Why? No, no, no. Ienjoy it a lot. No. What? Fun? Fun! It's eh...
Okay, so... And by the way, Everything aboutit is fun. No, when we were trick or treating
as kids in the 70s and the 80s, it was fun size,which was what, how big was that thing? Like
three inches, four inches, a little fun size?Two. Two? No. Two, inch and a half. Inch and

(12:35):
a half? Okay. Inch and a half. Yeah, three inchesis a full-size bar. No, it's not. Yeah, that's
a Snickers. Those Snickers are six inches. That'sa king size. Oh God, no, okay, no. Regular
Snickers is more than three. Three inches. No,you are on crack. I'm looking it up, continue
your story. The fun size was, it's a small snackysize, right? But it feels cheated, especially

(13:00):
when there would be, you get those houses thatgave you the full size candy bars. You get
a full Snickers, a full Milky Way, a full Zagnut,a big Butterfinger, a big Hunk, a Charleston
Chew. It's just too much. I'm just gonna keepnaming candies till you stop me. Here's why
I want fun size. Why? size so that I can eatmany different candies. You know what's more

(13:23):
fun? A big fucking candy bar! First of all,here's the answer. How big did you think a
Snickers bar was? A regular sized Snickers bar.Regular full-sized Snickers bar. Five inches.
Four inches. Okay, we were right in betweenthen. Because you were saying three inches
and that's bullshit. You said six! Okay, maybethat's a bigger- Now you went down to five!
Don't be fucking saying that you said five whenyou initially said six! You know what's even

(13:45):
worse now? Yeah, I like how you gloss over that.Is the- now it's not even fun size. Now they're
giving you a nugget! It's bite size! Bite size!Fuck you, bite size! Again! As far as I'm concerned,
more bites to have! More bites to have! Only!Only if you walk up to that door and they give
you like six fucking bite size. If you walkup to that door and they give me one bite size

(14:08):
fucking Snickers, Fuck you! I'm egging yourfucking house. I'm fucking TP'ing that shit
with a cheap one ply. I'm gonna fuck your shitup. I need at least a handful of bite size
to equal a fun size. Fun size to fun! Firstof all, it's two bites per fun. Two bites per

(14:29):
fun. and three funds for regular. I can't followthat. So you got a regular is one equals three
funds. equals six bites. I would rather havea whole fucking sleeve of Smarties. Would you
not rather have some Smarties? Oh, I love asleeve of Smarties. How about a- Love a sleeve
of Smarties. How about an everlasting Gobstopper?Oh yeah, no, but yeah, yeah. I'm not a big

(14:50):
Jawbreaker fan. No, no. But let me tell youwhat I did love. Sugar babies. Oh, sugar babies,
sugar daddies. Sugar daddies, sugar ba- Sugardaddies is the pop, is the sucker. Yeah. Kind
of a pain. Babies, the chewy babies, were basicallymini Milk Duds. Mini duds. I love those. Min
duds. But I got three words for you. Yeah. Bit,oh. Lose your teeth, honey. Oh yeah, oh yeah,

(15:14):
that's why I have... That's a 40 hour excursion.Is a bit of honey. But wait, let's go back
to Smarties. What is it about those things thatmake them so good? They're tarty, and they're
sweety. They're tart, but they're not too tart.No, and they're a little sweet, but not sweet.
They're more tart than sweet. I love a Smartie.I could go for a roll of Smarties. And now,
were you a one at a timer, or were you a dunk?No, no, like half a roll. Half a roll? Do you

(15:39):
ever dunk a hole? That's just, there's something.Dunk a whole roll. No, no. You put your teeth
on one end of it and you pull it out into yourmouth. Meow. No, you should seek therapy if
you're doing a whole roll of Smarties. Oh, awhole roll of Smarties is a phenomenal experience.
You, you, you. You haven't lived. Professionalhelp. You haven't lived. I last trick or treated
at like 13 and then we went to all the parties.And then it was parties. Then we went to jalapeno,

(16:01):
jalapeno parties. Jalapeno parties. And, andyes, I remember, I think we did TP somebody's
house at a Halloween party. Yeah. You know,stuff that, not a big deal, in a little, in
the shrubbery. How did that, who started thatweird tradition of tee peeing a house? Let's
get some toilet paper and throw it in the treesso that it's difficult to clean up. That's

(16:24):
the whole thing, ultimately. What was the lastHalloween costume you wore? Bacon. Just the
other day. And were you complimented by eggs?Yes, Elaine was the egg. Yeah, yeah, she actually
created her own egg costume. She built an egg?She built an egg. Was she sunny-side up? Uh,
she was. Here's the question about eggs. Mm.When you're an egg costume, Yeah. Most people

(16:49):
decide to go as a sunny side up egg because,and here's why, a frittata is hard to recognize.
Yeah, so what is a scramble? A scramble is likepuke, basically. You're gonna look like vomit.
Oh, hey, what are you two dressed as? Baconand vomit. Bacon and puke. Yeah. Bacon and
barf. There was a period when all of a suddenyou weren't allowed to trick or treat anymore

(17:10):
because everybody decided that Oh, I know wherethis is going. And Poison was in the candy
and then Richard Blades? Richard Blades. Oh,Razor Blades. And this is the most, how did
that start? How did that urban legend start?Do you really think somebody actually did that
somewhere? No, there's no record of it. I'velooked it up. I've snopest it. That was a great

(17:32):
campfire story. treating with a bunch of likeseven-year-olds and we come back and oh we
got all this loop we got this candy and we gotthis what kid is gonna bite into an apple when
you've got a whole fucking bag of Abba Zabbaand fucking three musketeers the answer is
no kid and he takes a bite into an apple andthere was a razor blade! Bloody gums and razor

(17:57):
blade it's a rusty blade and all of a suddenhe's got it never happened that never happened
there were no Remember there was a period whereour parents would check our candy. They would
look through it and check it. Yeah, like a littlex-ray, candy x-ray. Now, if I go... like trick-or-treating
with Kelly's kid or something. I'm eating thecandy out of his bag. Right away, you're not

(18:19):
checking anything. No. They could be poisoningthe shit out of that and you wouldn't care.
No, I'd be interested in seeing the results.Like, huh. Yeah, what are they? What is this
gonna do? What are they taking this with? I,you know, I... Did you remember, like, it was
one thing I do remember about early candies.Yes. In the Gen X days, there would be those
weird houses with the really old people thatwould give you the fucked up old candy. Remember

(18:42):
the old people candy? We're talking about allthe old, like the three musketeers and the
Milky Ways and the Snickers and the good stuff.Yeah, I don't remember old candy. No. What
old candy? Every so often you would go... Dots?No, no, you would go and get like a Werther's
Original or a Starlight Mint or like... It'dbe like the... Right. Yeah, the old people

(19:04):
that you just have. I could go with the Werther'sand a Starlight. I'm comfortable with accepting
those, by the way. Or did you ever... I gotthese a couple times. Do you ever get a Ludens?
Did you ever get a cough drop? I got a randomcough drop from the old people that had no
idea what they're giving out. That is good.I didn't get a loose, but what I did get was,
there was one woman who came to the door, andI think I had this happen multiple times, with

(19:26):
cups of apple juice. What, you're doing shots?Yeah, shots, cups of apple juice. Here you
go, kids. You know that wasn't just apple juice.There was a little bit of fucking ripple in
there. Little bit of vodka. Yeah, and therewere those types of things. things did exist.
And then there was everyone's what you get likea dime had like a pack of something set up

(19:49):
where it was like a little mini comic book.That was bullshit. I want candy. I want my
sugar rush. I applaud the effort on those. Itwas but the apple and the razor blade wasn't
so bad with the razor blade. Sorry. It was justthat the apple would crush. They would drop
in your bag. and it would crush like your funcandy. Right, right, right. I don't know, did

(20:09):
you ever get an apple? Oh yeah, and oh, youknow, oh my God, the word. Candy apple. No,
no, no. Caramel apple. Can you imagine a caramelor caramel? I think there was a time when I
didn't see it. I hope it was wrapped, becauseyou imagine a nice hot caramel apple getting
thrown into your bag, stick and everything.I think I do remember one time there somebody
came to the door with like a pad that was like,you know, like a foam thing with sticks in

(20:32):
it of caramel apples. You know what, no, butyou're not, another old school Gen X candy
no-no Halloween boxes of raisins those littlemini boxes of raisins don't get used to happen
a lot dude a lot of raisins

(20:53):
guaranteed what are those called valley of thesun made sun made raisins yeah yes or no you
can you get the see you get the people thateven give the knockoff like store brand raisins
and you know what you were talking about earliertp houses yeah those are the people you would
tp their house the ones that give you the fuckingraisins these people are trying eric no they
were No, if you- You would teepee the houseof the people in your class. No, the people

(21:17):
that are throwing in an unwrapped Seize candyinto my fucking bag. That ain't right. Seize
candy are expensive. I'd be surprised if yougot an unwrapped Seize candy thrown into your
bag. Oh, or there was tough- Pennies. Pennieswere the worst. Yeah, we got- We used to get
those. Cash. Yeah, we got cash. Yeah, I remembergetting pennies. Yeah, what are you doing with
that penny? What's that? What good is that?Back then you could buy stuff with pennies.

(21:40):
You get a, you get a, some base. Do you rememberhow much like a, could we buy like a pack of
Wrigley's? Pack of baseball cards. How muchis a pack of Wrigley's? Just a little five,
remember those little skinny five packs? Oh,that's nothing you would get, by the way, is
gum. Yes, we did. Quarter? But the gum we wouldget double bubble, which I love double bubble.
Maybe it was like 15, 20 cents. That stale fuckingbreak your tooth double bubble. Yeah, snap
your teeth off. Love that. 20 cents, right?So you could let those pennies. You get enough

(22:04):
pennies. You got a pack of gum, not one stick,but a pack. Yeah, and then you. And back then
you could still buy a pack of cigarette gumin the 7-Eleven. They were selling that shit
back then. You know, right? So pennies werenot worthless. Like they are now. Pennies from
Hezmana. I would take a penny back in the 70s.If you could pick any candy that you got back

(22:26):
when you were a kid, seven, eight, nine yearsold, that if you went to every house and you
only got one type of candy, one candy, whatwould it be? Jeremy Su. You were a strange
child.

(22:47):
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