August 19, 2024 • 26 mins
Slides, swings, monkey bars, merry-go-rounds and ball pits. In the Gen X days these playgrounds were mine fields just waiting to skin our knees and crack our wrists. Simultaneaously teetering on almost certain disaster. There was no fear in the hearts of the young. Only in the faces of the parents looking on. Or were they even paying attention??
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I'm Tony. I'm Eric. We are the sons of San Fernando.But we've been friends for over 40 years. We
grew up together in the San Fernando Valley.These are the stories of our experiences as
adventurous Gen X latchkey slackers from backin the day. And don't forget to hit the follow
or subscribe button so you don't miss an episode.
(00:25):
Okay, speaking of kids snot, what's the onething When you say kids not the first thing
I think of is playgrounds. Absolutely. Withoutquestion. Oh man. You know what? I never. And
here's the difference is that you experiencedplaygrounds as a child. I experienced playgrounds
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as a child, but then I experienced playgroundswith my children a second time. And the fear
of the kids not is much greater for a parent.If you put. any piece of playground equipment
under a black light. Yeah, I wouldn't want tosee it. That would be all kinds of nightmares,
right? I wouldn't want to see it. There's protozoaand I don't know. Mesozoic protozoa. You know,
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it really is disgusting. And as a parent, itwas like so much, because I remember when we
were kids, it was like, I fucking cared. Youjust, you know, whatever. You don't think about
germs. When you're on the slide and you're inline for the slide, you're on the jungle gym
and you're the, but in as a parent, we werecarefree. We were, we were fancy. We were fancy
free. Extra free of fancy. I was, I was extrafancy because I was extra fancy. I was fancy.
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First up. Okay. You were a Jim Dandy. You werea Dandy fancy, fancy Dandy. Yeah. You were
a fancy pants, fancy Dandy. Okay. Hold on. Seenmy pants. I had no things, you know, um, when
I think to back to these, um, to the playgrounds,I think about the one thing that was the bane
of my existence, which was the, the monkey bars.Why is this? You did, did you not have, I'll
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tell you why. I'll tell you why. Did you nothave the upper body prowess? Did you not have
the strength? Wait a minute. Let's just notgo right there. Were you not a monkey? I'm,
well, I'm not a monkey, but here's the thing.I have super stretchy joints. You do. Yes,
you can vouch. Yeah, yeah, you've got like doublejointed. Your head's double jointed. Well not
only did my thumbs bend backwards, so did myshoulders and all joints. My shoulders will
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dislocate. Your head can spin around like beetlesdo. You can't pull yourself and hold yourself
in the same way when your ligaments are stretchingthat way and I always felt like an utter failure
on the monkey bar. Imagine how you looked. Ilooked worse than I felt. I'm sure you were.
I'm sure. I looked horrible. I looked ridiculous.And I would follow the good and make it across.
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I couldn't make it across the goddamn monkeybars. And it really upset me. Was, were you
like, were other kids- I didn't want to go nearthe monkey bars. Were other kids like egging
you on to go into the monkey bars? I didn'tget egged. No? I wasn't getting egged, really.
That's a whole nother problem if you were. Inever really got egged, but I, it was an internal
struggle is what it was. That's fair. It wasa real internal struggle and I thought- So
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the monkey bars were not your jam. They weren'tyour jam on toast. To this day, I wish I could
just cook. But I wasn't licking the monkey barsas a child. You know what I was licking?
I really hesitate to let you finish that sentence.The merry-go-round. You were licking it? The
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spin around, run across, spin it as fast asyou can fucking go. With the big thick metal
bars and the hot metal. Was there sand underthat merry-go-round or did we have merry-go-rounds
that were asphalt? The one that, well I wason a strange one because we had our merry-go-round.
quicksand so it was really frightening. That'dbe so cool. Imagine you're like, you're spinning,
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you're like, ah, I'm going down. And then yourbuddies on the merry-go-round have to like
throw you a rope. Yeah, that'd be amazing. Likein Princess Bride. In Princess Bride or in
the ROUSs. Yeah, Princess Bride, yeah. Thatwas in the fire swamp. Yeah, in the fire swamp
or in Blazing Saddles. In Blazing Saddles, you'vegot quicksand as well. Yeah, so lots of quicksand
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in great movies. Now, here's the thing. If youdon't have sand, surrounding your merry-go-round
when you come flying off because of the centrifugalforce centrifugal Centrifugal I know what you're
I know what you're going for centrifugal
Um, you go flying off. Yeah spinning force.Yeah, gravitational every kid did every kid
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flew off that thing at one time or another nowOkay in the valley when we were growing up,
uh in the 70s and 80s what? What does it getlike in the summer? 174 right in the shade
and you and back then no air either no oxygenno oxygen no because it was smoggy outside
we were sucking smog but no those things werelost a Tibet menu zero oxygen and bad quality
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air there were the merry-go-round was made outof a metal that got as hot as the Sun yeah
and so you're singeing your balls skin Wereyou not wearing pants? If you weren't wearing
pants on the merry-go-round. It depends on howyou sit on the merry-go-round. But the best
part is you always had multiple people on theoutside spinning that thing like a mother...
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You duck. Multiple people on the outside spinningyour balls. Yes. And not as a... Oh, that wasn't
the merry-go-round you were on. That was a nine-year-old.That was a different merry-go-round, I'm remembering.
Yeah, that one was on Sunset Boulevard. ConeyIsland. Okay, so... You're spinning around
on them and you have people on the outside running.They run. Run, run to get up to speed. And
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then you would get to speed and then everybodywas still kind of like take two hands and like
hit one of those bars. And like fling it. Yeah.Foo, foo, foo. Yeah. And that thing would start
spinning at 800 miles an hour. Yeah. It waslike astronaut training. And if you could hold
on, you were the man. Yeah, you would hold it.You wanted to go center. You always wanted
to go center. Oh, you couldn't. The outsidewas just... Yeah, you would get flung. Oh my
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God, you'd get hurt. You'd get flung fast andfar. Yeah, but center, you're just... Center
is where you want to be. You felt like you mighttake off and you're off to the moon. The trick
about center is you got to spot because you'respinning around. So you got to spot something,
head turned spot, head turned spot, and thenyou get off the merry ground and you walk sideways
for five minutes. What? What else was on? SoI used to go when I was really, really young,
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we lived in Receta, we grew up in Receta. Justlike Tom Petty's song. Tom Petty's song grew
up in Receta? No, there's a freeway runningthrough her yard. Yeah. Free Fallen does tell
the story of growing up. Of living in Receta.It was a long day. And we did actually grow
up in Receta and there was Receta Park up on.Rosita and Victor. You know who else grew up
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in Rosita? Well, he didn't grow up in Rosita,but he moved to Rosita at a young high school
age. Let me guess. It was, uh, Christian Slater.Daniel LaRusso. I was so close. From the karate
kid. Yeah. They moved to Rosita. Go ahead. Continue.Ralph Macchio. Machado. Ralph Machicho himself.
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Ralph Maraschino Cherry. I love me some Machado.Ralph Machu-chu-chu. Would you continue? So,
Recita Park had a great playground when we weregrowing up. And there was this big ass long
slide made out of the same metal that the merry-go-roundwas made out of. Right, that metal, it was
like sheet metal. It was like thin, cut yourass off sheet metal. So, you know, I was a
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fairly timid child. And my mom tried to getme to go up on the slide and I just didn't,
it was too, it was very high, climb up there,seemed very high. She'd be like, Eric, get
your ass on that slide. Like that, I never heard.I don't wanna. I never heard you talk like
that. Clearly you have, because that's exactlywhat she sounded like. And go have some fun.
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Uh-huh. Quit being a douche. I was gonna saypussy. Okay. Well, that's more of. She could
have used either for all I know. Okay. But eventuallyI got up the, I mustered the mustard to go
up and get on that slide. The gumption, if youwill. But I got up to the top and then what
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happens, you get that first stage where youclimb up and you're like, I'm ready to go.
And then you get up to the top and you lookdown, you're looking like, I'm not going. You
didn't go down the slide. No, so now I'm, butokay. But now, a mile long, it was a mile long.
I'm on a hindsight. How big was that? I, foryou then it was a mile long. How big do you
really think that slide was in hindsight? Honestly,pretty tall. I mean, this was a big structure.
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You're gonna look this up. This had to be- Ithink this exists only in your memory. I don't
think this is real. This is like a 50 foot tallslide. Okay, no, maybe not. But it was big.
It seemed big to a 7. How old are you? Seven,six, seven years. Seven, six, seven. I was
not six foot seven. And a super, super pussy.I was six or seven, not six foot seven. and
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a super puss. So wussy wuss. Super pussy! SoI get, Okay, I continue. Dun, dun, da, da.
Yeah. So I get to the top of the slide and I'mlike, now I don't wanna go. But I can't climb
back down and I don't wanna slide down. So now-Cause you don't want the other kids to know
you're a super pussy. Oh, well they alreadyknow. It's, it, the word had gotten around.
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Okay. Uh, can't climb down. You're at the top.Because you're looking around. You're terrified.
Other kids want to go down the slide. Are youvisibly scared? Oh yeah. Are you crying? I'm
trembling. Oh, you're trembling. But are youcrying? Were you crying? No, no, no. Was your
face visibly fearful? It was contorted. Yeah,it was definitely contorted. I was like, I
don't want to deal with it. Okay. Did you sayanything? Just I want to come back down, but
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I can't because now there's kids on the gladare trying to get out. Did you say I want to
get back down? I was saying how the fuck wouldI know what I did 40 fucking thousand years
ago? I want to paint a picture. I didn't wantto go down the slide once I got up the fucking
stairs. Okay, so what did you do? Well I hadno choice. I had to go down the slide because
the kids would not let me walk back down thestairs. It reminds me of... The Christmas movie
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where the Santa Claus kicks the kid in the faceand pushes him down the slide. So I finally
get up the gusto to go and I go down the slideand it's way more fun than I thought it would
be. Not terrifying at all. Except. This is adumb story. I thought you were gonna have a
horrible time. I was looking forward to someinjury. No, well there was. Oh, okay. It was
fun. Oh, it was a blast. Okay, you enjoyed it.But. It was summer. And you burned your ass.
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I, oh yeah. I was in shorts. And the slidesin the 70s were made out of not only that,
the searing hot metal, but there was nothing,the craftsmanship on these playground, on this
playground equipment was shit. Wait, hold on.I don't know who's making this stuff. I take
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umbrage with that statement. Is that the rightword, umbrage? I'm willing to believe you.
I think that's the word, umbrage. I take issuewith your statement that the craftsmanship
was bad. If the craftsmanship, craftsmanshipwas so bad. How did they have a 30 foot robot
who was built into the slide? Oh, well, letme tell you, no, it was it was standing. The
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robot was like the arms were the slide and allbut When I was up on the top of that slide,
not wanting to go down, it was flimsy. The kids,yes, so the kids were shaking it from below.
The whole thing is moving. I feel like if Idon't go down the slide, the fucking thing's
gonna tip over and I'm dead. I'm gonna be ina twisted wreck of fucking hot metal. Now see,
if you had ended the story with that, I thinkyou should just change the story right now.
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I ended it in a twisted wreck of hot metal,yeah. Yeah, that's what I wanna hear. Okay,
go ahead, finish this. But I did, I went downthe slide. So wait, so what happened? You went
down the stride and then what happened? I wentdown the slide and it was fun, but I was in
shorts and it was super, super hot. No, Eric,I just told you how to end this story. Please
end the story properly. Okay, so you're at thetop and you fall down the slide. What happens?
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At the... End of the slide, the whole thingcrumbles. Oh my god. Twisted. Oh my god. Molten
metal. Oh my god. Fucking death trap. And thenall the other kids that were on the ladder,
they fall in on top of you. They do, and thenthere was a guy. And then you're like, they
light fire the second they hit the. They do,and there was a guy next to us trimming the
trees that day, and he had a chainsaw. He camein to help, but he still had the chainsaw going.
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So he took my left leg off. Oh my God. Yeah,that they then tried to sew back on later on.
Right, backwards. Which they did. One foot goingone way, one foot going the other way. And
that's why I can never tie my shoes properlyto this day. That's a good story. All because
of the fucking playground. See, that's how youend the story. That's the bullshit. Okay, so
next time you tell the story, that's the ending.The sharp edge is everywhere. There's nothing
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that had it. Love that, love that. Oh man, youjust got. You're either your life to bits either
your Wrangler jeans got torn or your or yourflesh got Just shredded and then mom would
get the Bactine now. I remember the L Bactinewas key I also iodine too. We had a lot of
iodine back in there. We did iodine and BactineYeah, you're everything neosporins bullshit
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compared to the iodine and Bactine or alcoholWe would just get straight up alcohol. You
could have a cut down to the bone whiskey andwhiskey and a little Bactine. And a little
Bactine, forget it, you'd be fine. My mom woulddrink the whiskey, and then squirt the Bactine
in. Do you need stitches? Nah, you'd be fine.I didn't have any problem with that at all.
I have no problem. You know, the thing aboutthe plastic, I think the first time I really
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saw a lot of plastic in our day was at the McDonaldland.Oh, the Playland, or what do they call it?
Was it called McDonald's Playland? McDonald'sPlayland? Can you name the McDonald's characters?
Yeah. You knew what I was gonna ask you? Yeah.Okay, I can name Grimace. Grimace was my favorite.
Grimace was great. He was just a big purplefucking... Yeah, what was he? A ghost? A monster?
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What was Grimace? He was just a big purple fuckingjujube. So, but they were they represented
on the playground at McDonald's? The characters?I don't think so. No, I think because the McDonald's
playground members like the ball pit. Oh, theball pit. Was there a... Dude, talk about Germ
City. Oh, by the way, it... When COVID happened,all the ball pits closed down. Every ball pit
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across the fucking universe. That you wouldfrequent. Well, cause I went to, that was my
thing. Ball pits are my thing, yeah. I wouldactually rent out places so I didn't have to
be in with the rest of the kids and I'd justget deep in the balls. I get balls deep. And
it was brilliant. And I knew I didn't have anyof that kid snot germy. While your balls deep.
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But. And then they brought him back. Now yougot to the germ pits again. Do we not learn
anything? Wait, wait, you just, that's the thingabout you're basically just picking up your
child and you're hocking him in a bunch of fuckingballs that have snot. And, and feces. Here's
the thing about the ball pit. That's amazing.Some of those ball pits are so deep that children
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can be submerged. Completely. Little Freddyis still in there from fucking six years ago.
He never made it out of the ball pit. You knowthey drain and rake lakes all the time. Yeah.
But they never rake the ball pit. They drainthe ball pit. God knows what's on the bottom
of those things. Bones. I mean dead boys andgirls. Yeah. There's dreams. There's hopes
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and dreams. Yeah. There's just teeth left. Oh,wow. Maybe a skull. Okay, but can you name
any of the activities in the McDonaldland playgroundareas? Oh, yeah, there was had a... There was
that Sky Habit Trail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. TheHabit Trail. Yeah, because you wanted to climb
up and crawl through the Habit Trail. Yeah.The Habit Trail was the gym. Again, Germ-Arabia.
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You know what the biggest problem... Germ-Arabia.Here's the biggest problem with that Habit
Trail thing in McDonald's Playland, is there'dalways be kids going through it, and I swear...
it was always somebody hotboxing that thing.You would get behind the kid who just- What
are you saying, there's a kid farting in thehabit room? Yeah, because they just had like
29 chicken McNuggets and a chocolate shake andthey're like, I don't remember this. And just
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all of a sudden you're caught behind it. Youcan't go backwards. Sound a little bit like
an elephant, the worst one. And you're chokedoff from this kid just- And then you pass out.
Yeah. Head down. He's giving you a Dutch ovenin the habit trail. And so I stopped doing
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that as a kid because I'm like, at least I wantto breathe fresh air, the ball pit is better
than that. You didn't think, you thought thoughtslike that as a child, like you don't want to
go in the habit trail because there was a kidfarting in there. It just smelled bad from
kid. Here's the thing about kids. Kids justsmell bad. Yes. Because they don't shower enough.
They're moving constantly and sweating constantly.It's difficult for a parent to wash a kid's
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hair enough for them to not stink, and kidsstink. So, you know, in that habit trail, as
they're going in and there's no oxygen, becausethere's no, I mean, you're socked in those
habit trails, so you just, it's humid. It getsvery humid. It's musty. It's damp. So you get
these dirty kids going through. It may not havebeen fart. It may have just been body. You
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get it. Child body. Child body combined withmoist humidity. Setting in and it's never a
good combination. It's disgusting. Can you imaginethere must have been a guy? I don't know what
his name would have been. They cleaned the McDonald'sPlayland. His name was Ray. He probably had
to scrub all the balls No, they never scrubbedthe balls. Nobody scrubbed the balls. Maybe
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they disinfected. I don't think they disinfectedI think they probably power washed. I think
what they did was they used the same stuff.Good strong nozzle. The ball pits, they use
the same spray that they use and the bowlingshoes at bowling alley. They just, they have
the industrial size can of it and they justspray the shit out. Yeah, that's probably what
it is. That's probably what it is. But you know,look, McDonald's, I mean, that was a great
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place to go get your kit. Yeah, because youget your, yeah, you get your- Happy meal. Happy
meal with your fries and your- Love the happymeal. Yeah, your burger and your- Were you
a burger or a cheeseburger? Oh, cheeseburger.cheeseburgers are killing. Yeah, why not? The
cheese gives the cheese. Because, and the thingabout, here's the thing about McDonald's cheeseburgers,
the combination, this is a weird thing. Theflavor is so stuck in my head. Just describing
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it, I can taste it. Oh, 100%. It is this though.It is, because the meat is an indescribable
middle part. Donkey. Yeah, of donkey. Yeah.Who knows what it is, right? So it's irrelevant.
It's donkey abs. It's irrelevant. It could besoy, it could be actual beef, it could be byproducts,
it doesn't matter. The thing that you reallytaste when you think about it is those soft
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buns that were steamed or something. They tastelike steamed soft buns, similar to the buns
you get at Dodger Stadium at like, in frontof the Dodger dog. Then, here's the big key.
Ketchup and mustard, that yellow mustard theyuse with the ketchup, with those thinly sliced
and diced onions. Yeah, those onions made it,yeah. And those three pickles. The combination.
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If you had four pickles, it wouldn't be thesame. Would never be the same. The onion, what?
An onion, it tastes different. They did tastedifferent. It tastes different, when they cut
them up that. That combination of flavors though,I can taste it right now, talking about it.
I kinda want a McDonald's cheeseburger. Didyou wanna take that cheeseburger in the ball
pit? I don't think food is allowed in the ballpit. I don't think you can take food in there.
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I can see the paper on the, man, I wonder whatit would be like to go back and have a McDonald's
cheeseburger right now. Well you know what Iwanna go back to, is I'm thinking all the way
back to even way before that. Early early playgroundtimes. What's what's one of the most rudimentary
one of the most basic things you remember fromplayground stonehenge What the fuck playground
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you going to stonehenge oh I know swings ohWasn't what I was thinking but let's talk swing.
Yeah, we hadn't talked swing. Let's talk swings.We'll come back to what I was Thinking like
what do you want to do when you're on a swing?swing really Yeah, but what's the goal? What's
the real goal? When you're a kid and you'reon the swings, I'm going over the top. Oh,
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yeah. Which have I that's what all I thoughtabout when I was on this. Can I get over the
top? That's amazing. OK, so swings. Let's let'stalk about the sort of the basic swings we
had when we were kids just had like kind ofa plastic e leathery sort of seat. Yeah, it
was like a vinyl. That's it, right? Yeah, that'sit. That's all you had. And you're hanging
chains and literal chains, literal chains. Yeah.Then. But you had, then you had the like the
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little kid ones that had like the little legs.Yeah, and they had the little seatbelt. The
little seatbelt. Yeah. And then the little play,yeah. There was always the little kid ones,
yeah. So you didn't, the little kid wouldn'tfall out. Right, and they were a little higher
up, so you would put the kid in it, and yes.Yeah, but you know, but once you, then you
graduated to the one that was just the singlepiece. Who cares about those? I don't give
a shit about that. I wanna talk about the bigswings, because here's the thing you can do.
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I wanna swing this like a barka lounger. Theswing. Like really comfortable, like a lazy
boy. You can like. recline all the way. Yeah.You're, you're, I'm talking, here's another
thing I did on the swing. As much as I wantedto go all the way over the top, I wanted to
spin it. Because remember you would see youput your feet on the ground and spin and spin
and spin and you would wind the chain up allthe way to the top. Yeah. And then what would
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happen after that? Yeah. It was the let go andthen spin. Yeah. You would get going so fucking
fast or spinning. billion miles faster thanspinning on the fucking merry-go-round. It
was amazing. That was fun. I kind of want togo do that right now. Yeah. I want to swing.
I want to swing. I'm curious about the merry-go-round.I am curious about the merry-go-round. I wonder
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what that would be like to do today. I'm notgoing near the monkey bars, as you know, uh,
but slides love a slide. Everybody loves a slide,except for you. Cause you were a pussy.
One time I didn't want to go on the slide, andnow I'm a person. Yeah, but I love the swing.
And usually we had sand, but again, I thinkat Our Lady of Grace, I think we were at asphalt.
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At our school, at our grade school, no, everythingwas asphalt. So if you came off, if you wanted
to do like- The jump off. Yeah, you read mymind! The jump off. Exactly. So what, does
everybody know what we're talking about? Yeah,that's the jump off. You get high enough. You
get high. then you get on the swing, then youget, you have to, to get high enough, you really
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had to have somebody pushing you. You couldpump it. You could, you could pump it, but
pumping it wasn't as effective. I could pumpit. Yeah? I've read stories. I can pump it,
get high enough. I've seen Betamax footage.If you're getting pushed. I've seen VHS. And
you try to jump off, you harm yourself. Yeah,well, you're getting high, man, and then you
(22:47):
just let go. But you gotta let go at the right.at the right spot, but how many times, the
fact that we didn't break ankles back in theday is unbelievable. Well, I think we did injure
ourselves, but we just would limp until it gotbetter. Well, because you know what we knew?
We knew that there was always gonna be Bactene,and we'd be fine, because Bactene cured everything.
Bactene, your parents would just spray it oneverything, and it wouldn't even clean the
(23:10):
wound. My mom used to buy Bactene in a fivegallon drum. Yeah, of course, and my mother
used to put, I had... I had knee pads on theuniform pants on the outside and the inside
because I would just rip through them basicallyevery day because we did the most foolish thing
of all time, which is we would play kickballon asphalt and slide into second base. We would
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slide on asphalt. On asphalt. Do we have nobrains? I mean, I would come home bloody. You
had no respect for denim. I had no respect fordenim. You don't respect the denim, do you?
I didn't respect denim. I do respect wood, butnot denim. And I remember coming home bloody,
like always bloody. And I remember my motherjust being like, what the hell? And that's
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why they had to buy the family size Bactean.And the big band-aids, not the little, like
the ones that would cover your entire leg. Thebandage. The bandage, yeah it was bandage.
It wasn't even a band-aid, it was a bandage.Yeah, it was a wrap. And yeah, so I had knee
pads on the outside, knee pads on the inside.We would slide. That was, so that was my favorite
(24:18):
playground that we had was like sports. Whenwe got to play, I loved kickball on the playground.
That was so much fun. Kickball was great. Youhad, it was just like baseball. You had somebody
rolling the ball, they would bounce it in. Itwas that, that ball was about the size. What
do we use? Like a basketball. Wasn't it thered ball? No, it was, it was a rubber ball
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and they were kickballs. Was it the pink rubberball? But we did use a volleyball for kickball
because the distance you could fucking get outof volleyball was un-fucking- And it was nice
because there was no pain in the foot. I didlove kickball. That was my favorite thing of
all of Recess and Lunch. You know, things likekickball, softball, those were later on the
(25:05):
playground. Yeah. But early, early playground,I was asking you earlier, like, what's one
of your earliest memories of- one thing youdid on a playground as a kid. Sex. He said.
Jesus Christ.
And that's the end of this podcast. Yeah, wellhey, if you're both seven.
(25:31):
it's consensual. Who's really in trouble there?I don't know.
listening to the Sons of San Fernando. Don'tforget to hit that subscribe or follow button
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(25:55):
the show. We'll catch you on the next episode.
I'm Tony. I'm Eric. We are the sons of San Fernando.But we've been friends for over 40 years. We
grew up together in the San Fernando Valley.These are the stories of our experiences as
adventurous Gen X latchkey slackers from backin the day. And don't forget to hit the follow
or subscribe button so you don't miss an episode.
(00:25):
Okay, speaking of kids snot, what's the onething When you say kids not the first thing
I think of is playgrounds. Absolutely. Withoutquestion. Oh man. You know what? I never. And
here's the difference is that you experiencedplaygrounds as a child. I experienced playgrounds
(00:45):
as a child, but then I experienced playgroundswith my children a second time. And the fear
of the kids not is much greater for a parent.If you put. any piece of playground equipment
under a black light. Yeah, I wouldn't want tosee it. That would be all kinds of nightmares,
right? I wouldn't want to see it. There's protozoaand I don't know. Mesozoic protozoa. You know,
(01:11):
it really is disgusting. And as a parent, itwas like so much, because I remember when we
were kids, it was like, I fucking cared. Youjust, you know, whatever. You don't think about
germs. When you're on the slide and you're inline for the slide, you're on the jungle gym
and you're the, but in as a parent, we werecarefree. We were, we were fancy. We were fancy
free. Extra free of fancy. I was, I was extrafancy because I was extra fancy. I was fancy.
(01:34):
First up. Okay. You were a Jim Dandy. You werea Dandy fancy, fancy Dandy. Yeah. You were
a fancy pants, fancy Dandy. Okay. Hold on. Seenmy pants. I had no things, you know, um, when
I think to back to these, um, to the playgrounds,I think about the one thing that was the bane
of my existence, which was the, the monkey bars.Why is this? You did, did you not have, I'll
(01:57):
tell you why. I'll tell you why. Did you nothave the upper body prowess? Did you not have
the strength? Wait a minute. Let's just notgo right there. Were you not a monkey? I'm,
well, I'm not a monkey, but here's the thing.I have super stretchy joints. You do. Yes,
you can vouch. Yeah, yeah, you've got like doublejointed. Your head's double jointed. Well not
only did my thumbs bend backwards, so did myshoulders and all joints. My shoulders will
(02:19):
dislocate. Your head can spin around like beetlesdo. You can't pull yourself and hold yourself
in the same way when your ligaments are stretchingthat way and I always felt like an utter failure
on the monkey bar. Imagine how you looked. Ilooked worse than I felt. I'm sure you were.
I'm sure. I looked horrible. I looked ridiculous.And I would follow the good and make it across.
(02:40):
I couldn't make it across the goddamn monkeybars. And it really upset me. Was, were you
like, were other kids- I didn't want to go nearthe monkey bars. Were other kids like egging
you on to go into the monkey bars? I didn'tget egged. No? I wasn't getting egged, really.
That's a whole nother problem if you were. Inever really got egged, but I, it was an internal
struggle is what it was. That's fair. It wasa real internal struggle and I thought- So
(03:00):
the monkey bars were not your jam. They weren'tyour jam on toast. To this day, I wish I could
just cook. But I wasn't licking the monkey barsas a child. You know what I was licking?
I really hesitate to let you finish that sentence.The merry-go-round. You were licking it? The
(03:21):
spin around, run across, spin it as fast asyou can fucking go. With the big thick metal
bars and the hot metal. Was there sand underthat merry-go-round or did we have merry-go-rounds
that were asphalt? The one that, well I wason a strange one because we had our merry-go-round.
quicksand so it was really frightening. That'dbe so cool. Imagine you're like, you're spinning,
(03:44):
you're like, ah, I'm going down. And then yourbuddies on the merry-go-round have to like
throw you a rope. Yeah, that'd be amazing. Likein Princess Bride. In Princess Bride or in
the ROUSs. Yeah, Princess Bride, yeah. Thatwas in the fire swamp. Yeah, in the fire swamp
or in Blazing Saddles. In Blazing Saddles, you'vegot quicksand as well. Yeah, so lots of quicksand
(04:05):
in great movies. Now, here's the thing. If youdon't have sand, surrounding your merry-go-round
when you come flying off because of the centrifugalforce centrifugal Centrifugal I know what you're
I know what you're going for centrifugal
Um, you go flying off. Yeah spinning force.Yeah, gravitational every kid did every kid
(04:27):
flew off that thing at one time or another nowOkay in the valley when we were growing up,
uh in the 70s and 80s what? What does it getlike in the summer? 174 right in the shade
and you and back then no air either no oxygenno oxygen no because it was smoggy outside
we were sucking smog but no those things werelost a Tibet menu zero oxygen and bad quality
(04:52):
air there were the merry-go-round was made outof a metal that got as hot as the Sun yeah
and so you're singeing your balls skin Wereyou not wearing pants? If you weren't wearing
pants on the merry-go-round. It depends on howyou sit on the merry-go-round. But the best
part is you always had multiple people on theoutside spinning that thing like a mother...
(05:16):
You duck. Multiple people on the outside spinningyour balls. Yes. And not as a... Oh, that wasn't
the merry-go-round you were on. That was a nine-year-old.That was a different merry-go-round, I'm remembering.
Yeah, that one was on Sunset Boulevard. ConeyIsland. Okay, so... You're spinning around
on them and you have people on the outside running.They run. Run, run to get up to speed. And
(05:36):
then you would get to speed and then everybodywas still kind of like take two hands and like
hit one of those bars. And like fling it. Yeah.Foo, foo, foo. Yeah. And that thing would start
spinning at 800 miles an hour. Yeah. It waslike astronaut training. And if you could hold
on, you were the man. Yeah, you would hold it.You wanted to go center. You always wanted
to go center. Oh, you couldn't. The outsidewas just... Yeah, you would get flung. Oh my
(05:57):
God, you'd get hurt. You'd get flung fast andfar. Yeah, but center, you're just... Center
is where you want to be. You felt like you mighttake off and you're off to the moon. The trick
about center is you got to spot because you'respinning around. So you got to spot something,
head turned spot, head turned spot, and thenyou get off the merry ground and you walk sideways
for five minutes. What? What else was on? SoI used to go when I was really, really young,
(06:25):
we lived in Receta, we grew up in Receta. Justlike Tom Petty's song. Tom Petty's song grew
up in Receta? No, there's a freeway runningthrough her yard. Yeah. Free Fallen does tell
the story of growing up. Of living in Receta.It was a long day. And we did actually grow
up in Receta and there was Receta Park up on.Rosita and Victor. You know who else grew up
(06:50):
in Rosita? Well, he didn't grow up in Rosita,but he moved to Rosita at a young high school
age. Let me guess. It was, uh, Christian Slater.Daniel LaRusso. I was so close. From the karate
kid. Yeah. They moved to Rosita. Go ahead. Continue.Ralph Macchio. Machado. Ralph Machicho himself.
(07:11):
Ralph Maraschino Cherry. I love me some Machado.Ralph Machu-chu-chu. Would you continue? So,
Recita Park had a great playground when we weregrowing up. And there was this big ass long
slide made out of the same metal that the merry-go-roundwas made out of. Right, that metal, it was
like sheet metal. It was like thin, cut yourass off sheet metal. So, you know, I was a
(07:35):
fairly timid child. And my mom tried to getme to go up on the slide and I just didn't,
it was too, it was very high, climb up there,seemed very high. She'd be like, Eric, get
your ass on that slide. Like that, I never heard.I don't wanna. I never heard you talk like
that. Clearly you have, because that's exactlywhat she sounded like. And go have some fun.
(07:58):
Uh-huh. Quit being a douche. I was gonna saypussy. Okay. Well, that's more of. She could
have used either for all I know. Okay. But eventuallyI got up the, I mustered the mustard to go
up and get on that slide. The gumption, if youwill. But I got up to the top and then what
(08:20):
happens, you get that first stage where youclimb up and you're like, I'm ready to go.
And then you get up to the top and you lookdown, you're looking like, I'm not going. You
didn't go down the slide. No, so now I'm, butokay. But now, a mile long, it was a mile long.
I'm on a hindsight. How big was that? I, foryou then it was a mile long. How big do you
really think that slide was in hindsight? Honestly,pretty tall. I mean, this was a big structure.
(08:43):
You're gonna look this up. This had to be- Ithink this exists only in your memory. I don't
think this is real. This is like a 50 foot tallslide. Okay, no, maybe not. But it was big.
It seemed big to a 7. How old are you? Seven,six, seven years. Seven, six, seven. I was
not six foot seven. And a super, super pussy.I was six or seven, not six foot seven. and
(09:05):
a super puss. So wussy wuss. Super pussy! SoI get, Okay, I continue. Dun, dun, da, da.
Yeah. So I get to the top of the slide and I'mlike, now I don't wanna go. But I can't climb
back down and I don't wanna slide down. So now-Cause you don't want the other kids to know
you're a super pussy. Oh, well they alreadyknow. It's, it, the word had gotten around.
(09:25):
Okay. Uh, can't climb down. You're at the top.Because you're looking around. You're terrified.
Other kids want to go down the slide. Are youvisibly scared? Oh yeah. Are you crying? I'm
trembling. Oh, you're trembling. But are youcrying? Were you crying? No, no, no. Was your
face visibly fearful? It was contorted. Yeah,it was definitely contorted. I was like, I
don't want to deal with it. Okay. Did you sayanything? Just I want to come back down, but
(09:47):
I can't because now there's kids on the gladare trying to get out. Did you say I want to
get back down? I was saying how the fuck wouldI know what I did 40 fucking thousand years
ago? I want to paint a picture. I didn't wantto go down the slide once I got up the fucking
stairs. Okay, so what did you do? Well I hadno choice. I had to go down the slide because
the kids would not let me walk back down thestairs. It reminds me of... The Christmas movie
(10:10):
where the Santa Claus kicks the kid in the faceand pushes him down the slide. So I finally
get up the gusto to go and I go down the slideand it's way more fun than I thought it would
be. Not terrifying at all. Except. This is adumb story. I thought you were gonna have a
horrible time. I was looking forward to someinjury. No, well there was. Oh, okay. It was
fun. Oh, it was a blast. Okay, you enjoyed it.But. It was summer. And you burned your ass.
(10:34):
I, oh yeah. I was in shorts. And the slidesin the 70s were made out of not only that,
the searing hot metal, but there was nothing,the craftsmanship on these playground, on this
playground equipment was shit. Wait, hold on.I don't know who's making this stuff. I take
(10:55):
umbrage with that statement. Is that the rightword, umbrage? I'm willing to believe you.
I think that's the word, umbrage. I take issuewith your statement that the craftsmanship
was bad. If the craftsmanship, craftsmanshipwas so bad. How did they have a 30 foot robot
who was built into the slide? Oh, well, letme tell you, no, it was it was standing. The
(11:17):
robot was like the arms were the slide and allbut When I was up on the top of that slide,
not wanting to go down, it was flimsy. The kids,yes, so the kids were shaking it from below.
The whole thing is moving. I feel like if Idon't go down the slide, the fucking thing's
gonna tip over and I'm dead. I'm gonna be ina twisted wreck of fucking hot metal. Now see,
if you had ended the story with that, I thinkyou should just change the story right now.
(11:40):
I ended it in a twisted wreck of hot metal,yeah. Yeah, that's what I wanna hear. Okay,
go ahead, finish this. But I did, I went downthe slide. So wait, so what happened? You went
down the stride and then what happened? I wentdown the slide and it was fun, but I was in
shorts and it was super, super hot. No, Eric,I just told you how to end this story. Please
end the story properly. Okay, so you're at thetop and you fall down the slide. What happens?
(12:00):
At the... End of the slide, the whole thingcrumbles. Oh my god. Twisted. Oh my god. Molten
metal. Oh my god. Fucking death trap. And thenall the other kids that were on the ladder,
they fall in on top of you. They do, and thenthere was a guy. And then you're like, they
light fire the second they hit the. They do,and there was a guy next to us trimming the
trees that day, and he had a chainsaw. He camein to help, but he still had the chainsaw going.
(12:24):
So he took my left leg off. Oh my God. Yeah,that they then tried to sew back on later on.
Right, backwards. Which they did. One foot goingone way, one foot going the other way. And
that's why I can never tie my shoes properlyto this day. That's a good story. All because
of the fucking playground. See, that's how youend the story. That's the bullshit. Okay, so
next time you tell the story, that's the ending.The sharp edge is everywhere. There's nothing
(12:45):
that had it. Love that, love that. Oh man, youjust got. You're either your life to bits either
your Wrangler jeans got torn or your or yourflesh got Just shredded and then mom would
get the Bactine now. I remember the L Bactinewas key I also iodine too. We had a lot of
iodine back in there. We did iodine and BactineYeah, you're everything neosporins bullshit
(13:08):
compared to the iodine and Bactine or alcoholWe would just get straight up alcohol. You
could have a cut down to the bone whiskey andwhiskey and a little Bactine. And a little
Bactine, forget it, you'd be fine. My mom woulddrink the whiskey, and then squirt the Bactine
in. Do you need stitches? Nah, you'd be fine.I didn't have any problem with that at all.
I have no problem. You know, the thing aboutthe plastic, I think the first time I really
(13:31):
saw a lot of plastic in our day was at the McDonaldland.Oh, the Playland, or what do they call it?
Was it called McDonald's Playland? McDonald'sPlayland? Can you name the McDonald's characters?
Yeah. You knew what I was gonna ask you? Yeah.Okay, I can name Grimace. Grimace was my favorite.
Grimace was great. He was just a big purplefucking... Yeah, what was he? A ghost? A monster?
(13:54):
What was Grimace? He was just a big purple fuckingjujube. So, but they were they represented
on the playground at McDonald's? The characters?I don't think so. No, I think because the McDonald's
playground members like the ball pit. Oh, theball pit. Was there a... Dude, talk about Germ
City. Oh, by the way, it... When COVID happened,all the ball pits closed down. Every ball pit
(14:19):
across the fucking universe. That you wouldfrequent. Well, cause I went to, that was my
thing. Ball pits are my thing, yeah. I wouldactually rent out places so I didn't have to
be in with the rest of the kids and I'd justget deep in the balls. I get balls deep. And
it was brilliant. And I knew I didn't have anyof that kid snot germy. While your balls deep.
(14:42):
But. And then they brought him back. Now yougot to the germ pits again. Do we not learn
anything? Wait, wait, you just, that's the thingabout you're basically just picking up your
child and you're hocking him in a bunch of fuckingballs that have snot. And, and feces. Here's
the thing about the ball pit. That's amazing.Some of those ball pits are so deep that children
(15:03):
can be submerged. Completely. Little Freddyis still in there from fucking six years ago.
He never made it out of the ball pit. You knowthey drain and rake lakes all the time. Yeah.
But they never rake the ball pit. They drainthe ball pit. God knows what's on the bottom
of those things. Bones. I mean dead boys andgirls. Yeah. There's dreams. There's hopes
(15:27):
and dreams. Yeah. There's just teeth left. Oh,wow. Maybe a skull. Okay, but can you name
any of the activities in the McDonaldland playgroundareas? Oh, yeah, there was had a... There was
that Sky Habit Trail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. TheHabit Trail. Yeah, because you wanted to climb
up and crawl through the Habit Trail. Yeah.The Habit Trail was the gym. Again, Germ-Arabia.
(15:49):
You know what the biggest problem... Germ-Arabia.Here's the biggest problem with that Habit
Trail thing in McDonald's Playland, is there'dalways be kids going through it, and I swear...
it was always somebody hotboxing that thing.You would get behind the kid who just- What
are you saying, there's a kid farting in thehabit room? Yeah, because they just had like
29 chicken McNuggets and a chocolate shake andthey're like, I don't remember this. And just
(16:12):
all of a sudden you're caught behind it. Youcan't go backwards. Sound a little bit like
an elephant, the worst one. And you're chokedoff from this kid just- And then you pass out.
Yeah. Head down. He's giving you a Dutch ovenin the habit trail. And so I stopped doing
(16:33):
that as a kid because I'm like, at least I wantto breathe fresh air, the ball pit is better
than that. You didn't think, you thought thoughtslike that as a child, like you don't want to
go in the habit trail because there was a kidfarting in there. It just smelled bad from
kid. Here's the thing about kids. Kids justsmell bad. Yes. Because they don't shower enough.
They're moving constantly and sweating constantly.It's difficult for a parent to wash a kid's
(16:56):
hair enough for them to not stink, and kidsstink. So, you know, in that habit trail, as
they're going in and there's no oxygen, becausethere's no, I mean, you're socked in those
habit trails, so you just, it's humid. It getsvery humid. It's musty. It's damp. So you get
these dirty kids going through. It may not havebeen fart. It may have just been body. You
(17:18):
get it. Child body. Child body combined withmoist humidity. Setting in and it's never a
good combination. It's disgusting. Can you imaginethere must have been a guy? I don't know what
his name would have been. They cleaned the McDonald'sPlayland. His name was Ray. He probably had
to scrub all the balls No, they never scrubbedthe balls. Nobody scrubbed the balls. Maybe
(17:40):
they disinfected. I don't think they disinfectedI think they probably power washed. I think
what they did was they used the same stuff.Good strong nozzle. The ball pits, they use
the same spray that they use and the bowlingshoes at bowling alley. They just, they have
the industrial size can of it and they justspray the shit out. Yeah, that's probably what
it is. That's probably what it is. But you know,look, McDonald's, I mean, that was a great
(18:03):
place to go get your kit. Yeah, because youget your, yeah, you get your- Happy meal. Happy
meal with your fries and your- Love the happymeal. Yeah, your burger and your- Were you
a burger or a cheeseburger? Oh, cheeseburger.cheeseburgers are killing. Yeah, why not? The
cheese gives the cheese. Because, and the thingabout, here's the thing about McDonald's cheeseburgers,
the combination, this is a weird thing. Theflavor is so stuck in my head. Just describing
(18:27):
it, I can taste it. Oh, 100%. It is this though.It is, because the meat is an indescribable
middle part. Donkey. Yeah, of donkey. Yeah.Who knows what it is, right? So it's irrelevant.
It's donkey abs. It's irrelevant. It could besoy, it could be actual beef, it could be byproducts,
it doesn't matter. The thing that you reallytaste when you think about it is those soft
(18:47):
buns that were steamed or something. They tastelike steamed soft buns, similar to the buns
you get at Dodger Stadium at like, in frontof the Dodger dog. Then, here's the big key.
Ketchup and mustard, that yellow mustard theyuse with the ketchup, with those thinly sliced
and diced onions. Yeah, those onions made it,yeah. And those three pickles. The combination.
(19:10):
If you had four pickles, it wouldn't be thesame. Would never be the same. The onion, what?
An onion, it tastes different. They did tastedifferent. It tastes different, when they cut
them up that. That combination of flavors though,I can taste it right now, talking about it.
I kinda want a McDonald's cheeseburger. Didyou wanna take that cheeseburger in the ball
pit? I don't think food is allowed in the ballpit. I don't think you can take food in there.
(19:32):
I can see the paper on the, man, I wonder whatit would be like to go back and have a McDonald's
cheeseburger right now. Well you know what Iwanna go back to, is I'm thinking all the way
back to even way before that. Early early playgroundtimes. What's what's one of the most rudimentary
one of the most basic things you remember fromplayground stonehenge What the fuck playground
(19:53):
you going to stonehenge oh I know swings ohWasn't what I was thinking but let's talk swing.
Yeah, we hadn't talked swing. Let's talk swings.We'll come back to what I was Thinking like
what do you want to do when you're on a swing?swing really Yeah, but what's the goal? What's
the real goal? When you're a kid and you'reon the swings, I'm going over the top. Oh,
(20:13):
yeah. Which have I that's what all I thoughtabout when I was on this. Can I get over the
top? That's amazing. OK, so swings. Let's let'stalk about the sort of the basic swings we
had when we were kids just had like kind ofa plastic e leathery sort of seat. Yeah, it
was like a vinyl. That's it, right? Yeah, that'sit. That's all you had. And you're hanging
chains and literal chains, literal chains. Yeah.Then. But you had, then you had the like the
(20:36):
little kid ones that had like the little legs.Yeah, and they had the little seatbelt. The
little seatbelt. Yeah. And then the little play,yeah. There was always the little kid ones,
yeah. So you didn't, the little kid wouldn'tfall out. Right, and they were a little higher
up, so you would put the kid in it, and yes.Yeah, but you know, but once you, then you
graduated to the one that was just the singlepiece. Who cares about those? I don't give
a shit about that. I wanna talk about the bigswings, because here's the thing you can do.
(20:57):
I wanna swing this like a barka lounger. Theswing. Like really comfortable, like a lazy
boy. You can like. recline all the way. Yeah.You're, you're, I'm talking, here's another
thing I did on the swing. As much as I wantedto go all the way over the top, I wanted to
spin it. Because remember you would see youput your feet on the ground and spin and spin
and spin and you would wind the chain up allthe way to the top. Yeah. And then what would
(21:19):
happen after that? Yeah. It was the let go andthen spin. Yeah. You would get going so fucking
fast or spinning. billion miles faster thanspinning on the fucking merry-go-round. It
was amazing. That was fun. I kind of want togo do that right now. Yeah. I want to swing.
I want to swing. I'm curious about the merry-go-round.I am curious about the merry-go-round. I wonder
(21:40):
what that would be like to do today. I'm notgoing near the monkey bars, as you know, uh,
but slides love a slide. Everybody loves a slide,except for you. Cause you were a pussy.
One time I didn't want to go on the slide, andnow I'm a person. Yeah, but I love the swing.
And usually we had sand, but again, I thinkat Our Lady of Grace, I think we were at asphalt.
(22:05):
At our school, at our grade school, no, everythingwas asphalt. So if you came off, if you wanted
to do like- The jump off. Yeah, you read mymind! The jump off. Exactly. So what, does
everybody know what we're talking about? Yeah,that's the jump off. You get high enough. You
get high. then you get on the swing, then youget, you have to, to get high enough, you really
(22:25):
had to have somebody pushing you. You couldpump it. You could, you could pump it, but
pumping it wasn't as effective. I could pumpit. Yeah? I've read stories. I can pump it,
get high enough. I've seen Betamax footage.If you're getting pushed. I've seen VHS. And
you try to jump off, you harm yourself. Yeah,well, you're getting high, man, and then you
(22:47):
just let go. But you gotta let go at the right.at the right spot, but how many times, the
fact that we didn't break ankles back in theday is unbelievable. Well, I think we did injure
ourselves, but we just would limp until it gotbetter. Well, because you know what we knew?
We knew that there was always gonna be Bactene,and we'd be fine, because Bactene cured everything.
Bactene, your parents would just spray it oneverything, and it wouldn't even clean the
(23:10):
wound. My mom used to buy Bactene in a fivegallon drum. Yeah, of course, and my mother
used to put, I had... I had knee pads on theuniform pants on the outside and the inside
because I would just rip through them basicallyevery day because we did the most foolish thing
of all time, which is we would play kickballon asphalt and slide into second base. We would
(23:36):
slide on asphalt. On asphalt. Do we have nobrains? I mean, I would come home bloody. You
had no respect for denim. I had no respect fordenim. You don't respect the denim, do you?
I didn't respect denim. I do respect wood, butnot denim. And I remember coming home bloody,
like always bloody. And I remember my motherjust being like, what the hell? And that's
(23:58):
why they had to buy the family size Bactean.And the big band-aids, not the little, like
the ones that would cover your entire leg. Thebandage. The bandage, yeah it was bandage.
It wasn't even a band-aid, it was a bandage.Yeah, it was a wrap. And yeah, so I had knee
pads on the outside, knee pads on the inside.We would slide. That was, so that was my favorite
(24:18):
playground that we had was like sports. Whenwe got to play, I loved kickball on the playground.
That was so much fun. Kickball was great. Youhad, it was just like baseball. You had somebody
rolling the ball, they would bounce it in. Itwas that, that ball was about the size. What
do we use? Like a basketball. Wasn't it thered ball? No, it was, it was a rubber ball
(24:39):
and they were kickballs. Was it the pink rubberball? But we did use a volleyball for kickball
because the distance you could fucking get outof volleyball was un-fucking- And it was nice
because there was no pain in the foot. I didlove kickball. That was my favorite thing of
all of Recess and Lunch. You know, things likekickball, softball, those were later on the
(25:05):
playground. Yeah. But early, early playground,I was asking you earlier, like, what's one
of your earliest memories of- one thing youdid on a playground as a kid. Sex. He said.
Jesus Christ.
And that's the end of this podcast. Yeah, wellhey, if you're both seven.
(25:31):
it's consensual. Who's really in trouble there?I don't know.
listening to the Sons of San Fernando. Don'tforget to hit that subscribe or follow button
in your favorite podcast app so you don't missan episode. Drop us a review, we'd love to
hear from you. If you'd like to support theSons of San Fernando, the best way is to share
(25:55):
the show. We'll catch you on the next episode.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Intentionally Disturbing
Join me on this podcast as I navigate the murky waters of human behavior, current events, and personal anecdotes through in-depth interviews with incredible people—all served with a generous helping of sarcasm and satire. After years as a forensic and clinical psychologist, I offer a unique interview style and a low tolerance for bullshit, quickly steering conversations toward depth and darkness. I honor the seriousness while also appreciating wit. I’m your guide through the twisted labyrinth of the human psyche, armed with dark humor and biting wit.