August 5, 2024 • 26 mins
Like, gag-me-with-a-spoon, the Galleria! For Gen Xers in the 80s there was no better after school hang than the local mall. Grab a Slurpie, scarf down a Hot Dog on a Stick and get your 5 dollar movie ticket to see Fast Times at Ridgemont High. From hanging in the food court with your friends to finding the best deal on parachute pants, the mall was the place to be seen.
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Episode Transcript
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I'm Tony. I'm Eric. We are the sons of San Fernando.But we've been friends for over 40 years. And
grew up together in the San Fernando Valley.These are the stories of our experiences as
adventurous Gen X latchkey slackers from backin the day. And don't forget to hit the follow
or subscribe button so you don't miss an episode.So you just told me about a new mall in the
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San Fernando Valley. It's not a new mall. Well,it's an old mall, but it's a new mall. It used
to be Topanga Plaza. I know someone named ChrisMall. That's his real name. He was a tour guide.
Who's a tour guide with me? My friends calledhim Doogie because he reminded them of Doogie
Howser. There's nothing about this that I careabout. He then became an assistant for Kelsey
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Grammer for a long time. Still not caring. Henow gives VIP tours at Universal Studios to
all the celebs. Wow. Chris Maul. That's... He'sa good guy. That has no bearing on my life.
I like him. Children, wife. I'm so glad foryou. That's useless information. Chris, if
you're listening, we love you. No, we don't.Oh, I do. He's great. He's hysterical. Super
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great guy. Chris Maul. M-A-U-L. To Maul. ToMaul means to... To... Destroy Chu. Uh, attack.
Yeah. Attack basically is mall. Yeah. Interestingthat it's a homonym for with the word mall
shopping also means shopping mall. Where doesthat word come from? Paul mall, Paul mall,
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the cigarettes to put a Paul upon somethingis metaphor to putting the Paul upon the casket.
So, uh, the mall is a place to call is it isa dark, sad. uh... moment you putting a poll
of upon something you're changing the moodsof palm all cigarette is a dark sad all place
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shop Yes. And you just went to a refabbed Topangamall. Yeah. So the old Topanga Plaza in the
valley in Woodland Hills, California, the TopangaPlaza. Plaza? Plaza. You really have a very
light A. Plaza. I say Plaza. Well, excuse me,Plaza. Wait, wait. What do you put flowers
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in? What you fill it with? A vase. Oh, not avase. No, no, no. It's a vase. Whatever. Plaza
was British the mall that one of the malls wewent to growing up in the valley and like all
the other ones that got bought out by Westfield.Right dude, who are these people? Everybody?
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Well, they've got off bought ton of money becausethey are they have upgraded malls, thousands
of malls all over farm wide, dare I say so nowthe Westfield depending there I just went Uh-huh.
Like a couple weeks ago. Uh-huh. And it is justlike high-end everything. Right. Everything.
Right. Like you've got Cartier, you've got Gucci,you've got all the high-end watch places. You
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got it. You name it, you got it. Yeah, theygot every, it's so- Rolexes, Tudors. You got
it, you got it. You got it. All the high-endclothes, all the high-end watches, all the
high-end shoes, all the high-end- High-end.Yeah. Say high-end one more time.
No, no. Okay, that was good. I enjoyed the restraintthere. It's very much unlike what our mall
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experience was. What was your mall experience?What was the main mall you went to? Main mall.
Galleria, man. The gall... The galleria! Allright, can we name a couple movies in which
the Galleria is featured? Okay, the interioris featured. Is featured. The Galleria is featured
in Fast Times or Richmond High. Absolutely.What else? But what was the exterior? Oh, in
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Fast Times, it was something else? Oh, I don'tknow the answer to this. Really? Yeah. Really?
What was the exterior shot? The exterior shotwas the Santa Monica Place in Santa Monica,
which is still there. Wow, I did not know that.That's an interesting factoid. The Santa Monica
Place. And you know who was in Fast Times atRidgemont High then? Well, yes, a lot of you.
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Judge Reinhold does. No, somebody that I know.Oh, wait, yes. One of the Pat Banatars. Yes.
Who was that? Blair Tufkin. Blair Tufkin. Imean, Blair Tefkin, yes. Artie Fuffkin. Blair
Tefkin was the main Pat Benatar. She was thenumber, there were three Pat Benatars and she
was the main Pat Benatar. She was the main PatBenatar. You knew somebody in Fast Times, that's
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amazing. I still know somebody. And Fast Timeswas very much built around the mall culture
and that's, you know what? It was. I gotta say.The mulcher, if you will. The mulcher, it was
Cameron Crowe, right? That made Fast Times?Really? Was it? No. I don't know. No, no, Amy,
Amy heckling. I don't know. Oh crap. Now I'mgoing to have to learn this. Oh yeah. You're
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on your own. I'm just shooting. All I know isSean Penn and Blair Deffken. Uh, and Jennifer
Jason Lee and Jennifer Jason Lee. She used tocome to our gigs with Blair Deffken when I
was playing with Blair. Oh, Jennifer Jason Lee.Jennifer Jason Lee would come to the gigs.
Yeah. They were friends. Yeah. Maybe they'restill friends. I don't know by the way Do you
know in that movie when judge Reinhold is drivingand he's making a delivery and he's working
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for that No, no, he's got the he's deliveringwith a with a pirate hat. Oh, yeah And he pulls
up next to that chick. Yeah, he's like, youknow, yeah making eyes at her and he forgets
that He's got a pirate outfit. You know whothat woman in the car is? No, Nancy Wilson.
No Wow, that's another good fact. Great cameo,right? Wow, I did not know that. But the Malt
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culture in that is exactly. The Malt-cher. TheMalt-cher, I'm sorry, I stand corrected. The
Malt-cher, the Malt culture is exactly whatwe lived back then with the movie theater.
Oh God, yeah. And the pizza joint. And the guyselling tickets. By the way, Damone I became
friends with when my kids were born because.He would go to Starbucks. He opened a coffee
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shop. And then he opened a coffee shop, yeah.In the valley. But let me just tell you, I
don't even know the guy's name, but I wouldtalk to him all the time. Robert, oh god. And
I just wanna say, super cool guy. Yeah, oh yeah.He was great. We used to have all kinds of
conversations, but I never learned his name.Chew for Blue Oyster Cult and Little Brother.
And Van Halen, he was selling the Van Halentickets too. Yeah, he had a, DeMone had it
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all, but. The interior in there, yeah, was themall. Was the Sherman Oaks Galleria. Which
still exists, but it's not the, it's still calledthe Galleria, but it's not a mall anymore.
No, I mean, no, they tore the whole thing down.It was a whole, they call it the Galleria,
but it's a different thing. There's a fuckin'P.F. Chang's and a DSW and a 24-hour footrest
over there. Lots of initials. All kinds of initials.Everything, you actually have to be in it.
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The whole thing is initials. You don't haveinitials, you can't be in the mall. No, it's
not even a mall, really, frankly. It's a corridorwith office buildings above it. Now, but it's
a sham and a shame and a disgrace. But it wasan indoor Mecca for, we didn't even do, we
didn't even do shopping. No, you know what wedid at the mall? We loitered. We loitered because
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we didn't have any money. We didn't spend anymoney. We had no dollars that we had. So window
shopped. And here's another reason why it wasgreat to go into the Sherman Oaks It was cool
when it was f***** hot outside. Oh well, becausethe valley. And you know that there was some
SIG alert and some sort of, oh, I guess theSIG alert is traffic. There was some sort of...
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The heat alert, yeah. No, not what's the...Oh, when it's a heat alert? No, no, it was
a air quality. Oh yeah, because... We had airquality alerts every single day. Because of
all the smog and the heat. It was smogaliciousin the valley back then. So what did you do?
You go to the mall. Because it was cool. Andwe did not cool like we were cool, like cool
like it was cold. No, you'd ride your Diamondbackor your Robinson over to, what'd you have?
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Bicycle? Yeah. I had a Schwinn. I had a fuckingHuffy. Oh, you had a Huffy? No, that's bad.
I know, but so was the Schwinn. Dude, the Huffywas. I had a banana seat. Excuse me? Dude,
the Huffy. The Huffy was like five steps belowthe Schwinn. The Schwinn was like four steps
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below the mongoose. And we still rode over tothe mall. And then, yeah, we got out of the
105 degree. 108. Yeah. And then you go in themall and then you do nothing. You hang out.
And so one day me and Angel Cat are hangingout. OK. Oh no, tell me this. One day me and
Angel Cat are hanging out. And because we hadno money, we were sitting in McDonald's. I
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don't even know if we bought anything at theMcDonald's. I think we were just sitting in
the booth. at the McDonald's. They were kindof lucky about that. I'd have to ask Angel
Cat and see what he said we were doing. Butall of a sudden this man walks up to us who
looks just like Jesus Christ. And we assumedit was. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. And by just
like Jesus Christ. He had a robe and long hair.He looked like the European Da Vinci Jesus
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motherfucking Christ. Like you, like he walkedout of a Renaissance painting. Was it, was
it, did he, uh, did it, Birkenstocks? That Idon't remember, but I will say. robe that was
disheveled. He was disheveled, a beard, he lookedkind of European, thin, long head. Did he have
a glow behind his head? No, but he did have.Sheep? He did have a half gallon bottle of
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liquid that he put down on the table and satdown with us. Was it water and then he changed
it into orange, right? It was golden liquidand not pee. I was just going to urine. Not
pee. No, it was more, I know it was like sunlightgolden. It was sunlight golden. And he sits
down with us and he says, I don't know, he honestlydon't remember what he said. Wait, wait, could
you smell the booze on his breath? No, it wasJesus Christ, my friend. Okay, so can you stop
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blaspheming? Jesus sits down with us and welet him, because of course, right? Well, of
course, when in Rome. Let me just say, how old,we were probably 14, maybe 13. For 13 and 14.
And Jesus. If Jesus sits down with you, youlet him. You let him. You don't say, get the
fuck out of here, Jesus. Someone asks if you'rea god, you say yes. So he sits down with us
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and he puts his jug down of what was. Goldenliquid. Ostensibly a Sunny D jug. Oh, a Sunny
Delight jug. Okay, so it's a plastic jug. AndI'm assuming that at least a large portion
of the liquid in that jug. was remaining sunnydelight. Right. Okay, I think it may have said,
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it was, it may have said sunny Dion. It mayhave been an actual sunny D-Jug. And he says
a few things to us. Oh, what's that we think?We're so stunned by seeing Jesus that I don't
really remember the conversation. All I rememberis that he starts to leave and he says, this
is for you guys. And he leaves us the sunnyD-Jug. That is, that is, there's. Ritalin,
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early Ritalin. There's something. Oh, it's good.It gets good. There's something moving in there.
Here we are, 14 year olds in the middle of theSherman Oaks Galleria in the valley in the
scorching heat of the summer. A safe place.I'm all supposed to be a safe place for kids.
A random Christ shows up. A random Christ. Andgives us a half imbibed jug of Sunny D and
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God knows what. What do you think Angel Catand I did? You absolutely swig it. We went
and got water cups from the fountain. and webrought the water cups back. Oh, you didn't
lip it? You didn't go right there and just lipthat thing? No, we got two water cups. You
wuss. We got two water cups and poured eachother a glass of the elixir. It's Jesus juice.
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That Jesus brought us. You know that you'regonna see the light. I think that's what we
called it. Do you see the light? And shockingly,we drank the Jesus juice together. And I'll
tell ya, it was a Sunny D screwdriver that Jesusdelivered to us. Of course it was. Yeah. Thank
God it wasn't laced with anything else, butthere was definitely a Sunny D and probably
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the cheapest vodka one could purchase at thetime. Jesus was trying to enlighten you with
alcohol. We were 14 and we got absolutely liton this Sunny D screwdriver. Jesus wanted it
that way. Jesus felt like you have a betterchance of finding your way. I will tell you.
On a little bit of vodka. There were no negativeeffects. we got lit on Sunny D screwdriver.
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This is not one of those live and learn stories.Was that the end of your day at the mall or
did you then go around and loiter some more?We loitered the rest of the day drinking Sunny
D screwdriver. Do you remember a lot of thestores that were in the gallery? I'm trying
to remember some of the places we would likeloiter. I mean, there was like Pacific Sun
where- Oz. A-H-H-H-H-H-S. No, no, they werelike- A-A-A-A-A-H-H-S? I think there were-
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four or five A's and a couple H's or one H.You know why there were so many A's? Because
it would come up first in the phone book. Oh,smart. Very smart. And Oz, Oz sold all sorts
of, they had the t-shirts. It was a noveltyand assorted sun greaves. So it was like Spencer's.
Yes, Spencer's very similar. They had a bunchof weird, they had a little bit of everything,
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nothing you really wanted. I remember therewas an adult section. That was cordoned off.
Where they would just keep adults? It was Jamescordoned off, yeah. There was an adult section
that you, yeah, there was like porn and stuffin there, I'm assuming. I don't know, I never
went in. You never went in my ass. No, I neverwent in your ass. No, I never did. That's crazy.
What is wrong with you? What is literally wrongwith you? You have, Think about what you are
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saying. No, I have. You never went in the adultsection. Nor at your ass. Of Oz. No. I mean,
we spent a lot of time. You say we didn't goin anywhere, but we would sneak into the movie
theater every once in a while. Yeah, well, no,for me, I remember not sneaking in, but staying
for multiple movies. Oh, right. You'd get oneticket for a movie, and they would come to
like, and you know what, that's the thing. Youcould stay for more than one movie because
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they'd. didn't always clean up between movies.No, and you could go in. There was a movie
theater that we did sneak into that maybe youdid, maybe you didn't. It was more in our hood,
closer to us, because the gallery was, yes.The movies of Tarzana before it was Man Valley
West, it was the movies of Tarzana. In the back,there was a parking lot. Oh yeah, no, no. That
was where the exits were for the theaters. Andyou could just walk in and people walked out.
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Yeah, and we did that multiple times. What,you went to the mall and you went to the movie
theater, what was your snack of choice? Snackof choice? Yeah. Snack of choice. What was
your snack of choice? Snack of choice. My snackof choice was always popcorn, of course, and
red motherfucking vines. Fuck red vines. Okay,I'm never gonna talk to you again. Are you
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kidding me? The best. The worst ass food ever.You're not gonna tell me that your ass likes
Twizzlers. No, I don't like any of that shit.Oh, red vines are amazing. No, red vines were
like chewing fucking. Look. Human flesh. Yeah.They were, no, it's, you probably want to know
why I know what chewing human flesh feels like.I don't, but I have a feeling you're going
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to tell me. Licorice chewies, no, there wasa terrible one. Hannibal. There was nothing
good about fucking red vines. Delicious. No.It was as good as the screwdriver from Jesus.
I. Oh, I love Mike and Ikes. And jujubes. No,I hate jujubes. Jujubes. No, jujubes are, now
that's terrible. That's basically like... Thatwas the mall of... Jujubees were basically
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eating number two pencil erasers. You know what?It just reminded me of the... Flavor and texture.
Eating these items at the theater reminded mewhen we would go to the mall when I was young,
my mom would always get my brother and I somecandy. Cause they always had like a candy counter.
What is wrong with our parents? Yeah, they would.They would have, the malls would always have
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that. They have like some candy counters. Eitheryou go to C's candy, which is still around
eight billion years later, even though they'recandy. Suck. Plus $4,000 too for a C's candy.
It is a lot of money. One sucker is like $58.Yeah, 58, 50. And plus tax and installation,
yeah. But. Delivery. But. There was always aplace in the mall to get candy. So it would
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keep us kids, you know, shut us up while wewere, it was before the days where we were
teenagers and loitering. This is when we werekids. Delivered by mom. I always liked, they
were called, later on called snow caps, butthey're like nonpareils or something like that.
The flat dark chocolate disc with the whitelittle crunchy things on top. I used to get.
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and like a sack full of those. I'd eat likeeight billion calories of those in a mall session
just to shut me up. Was never really into those.Love those. But great mall snack. Mall snack,
ball sack, Slee stack. What's Slee stack from?Robert Stack. What's Slee stack from? Land
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of the Lost. Thank you. Name... name Marshall,Will and Holly on a routine expedition to the
greatest earthquake of them all. Come on, dude,if you don't know it of them all, stand aside.
I thought you said of them all of them all.Oh, I thought we were going back to them all.
By the way, a quick commercial break. Yeah.You know this. I don't know the name of the
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only sleaze stack that could talk. The goldsleet stack. Oh wait, Enoch. Yes. Wow, God.
Yeah, I didn't know that was in there. No, youhad it. Honestly didn't know. I could see it
in the rear. And you know the name of the littlemonster thing that was friends with Holly.
Chaka. Yeah. Yeah, later became a tag artist.Chaka? Chaka, yeah, it was like a graffiti
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artist here in LA. I don't know if it's thesame Chaka though. No, it was a little furry
man. Running around. Yeah. Um, but it will goback to the mall stores. I'm trying to remember
what was around at the gallery at back at thattime. Where would we loiter? It was mostly
like in the hallways. I mean, we didn't likego with Spencer's. Oh, you said that. All right.
Spencer's, but there was another, what play,uh, there were a lot of like clothing boutiques
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and the clothing boutiques that sold parachutepants. Oh yeah. Parachute pants. Yeah. They,
uh, they did. Oh, you were just doing, uh, RickJames sampled by MC Hammer. Okay. Yes, there
were there were lots of parachute pants therewere lots of zippers. Yeah the whole look.
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The better in the did you ever have a real membersonly Jack lit Jack lit you know that's a smaller
version of a jacket you know what I had so it'sgonna be you Jack lit so buying clothes at
the mall for me was sad because... You needa soundtrack for this? Yeah, yeah. Can you
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give me some sad music, please? So, I nevergot the name brand items. I was always stuck
with, instead of members only, it looked likea members only, but it said Hunt Club on it.
Who the fuck is Hunt Club? What is the hunt?And Keds, I had a lot of Keds, but- Look, I
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had the fake members only too. I never had areal members only. My dad got me a cheap knockoff
from downtown. You know what? But your dad knewclothes. So it was probably really quality.
It just didn't say members only. I rememberrocking it like I was Michael Jackson. What
color is yours? Red. Oh, see, that was the thing.That's how you did it right. You did red. You
know what mine was? Beige. Motherfucking brown.Yes, motherfucking brown. Who has a brown knockoff
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of members only? It's like I show up thinkingI'm going to be this shit. You're like, no,
you look like shit. You are a poser. Here'sthe amazing thing. this. When you asked me
what color it was, I could see you made it.I think I remember it. Yeah. I was like, oh
yeah, it was beige. I remember putting thatthing on. I'm like, mom got this for me at
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the mall. I'm going to put this on and walkit. I'm like, I'm going to be the shit. And
like, that first, I think, I think she boughtit for me. And then I wore it to school that
one day I knew I, I never wore it again. I'mlike, there were so many knockoffs. There were
like, I mean, that was the thing was the membersonly jank and then everybody had a knockoff.
Only Jacket. The members only jackets were expensive.Right, but we it was only our parents buying
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stuff for us. We weren't buying anything. Yeah,we were ten. I don't really remember hardly
any of the stores because all we did was hangout at the food court. Yeah, food court was
the place to be seen. Sparrows. How is Sparrowsstill around? That's the worst fucking pizza
ever. It tastes, the container it comes in tastesbetter than the actual pizza. And we didn't
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even eat it willingly. And that was even moreexpensive than McDonald's. So we did, cause
there was a McDonald's on the lower level, whichis where Jesus was found. And that's where
we would hang out. Is that the McDonald's? Jesushas been found. The second coming at McDonald's
on the lower level. That was the actual secondcome. That was the actual Jesus. Here's the
thing that blows my mind. Nobody else knew it.An addict. If he was just some homeless dude,
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right? Some homeless addict. that's dressedlike Jesus, why would he give us the remainder
of his screwdriver? The only reason he wouldhave given us his sonny D motherfucking screwdriver
is if he was actually the second coming of Christ.I can't argue with that. You can't argue with
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that? No, I can't, no, that's, yeah, yeah. That'ssound logic. It never made the papers. No.
It didn't get on Twitter. Well, it's not onlyAngel Cat, Angel Cat and I saw him. But Angel
Cat will verify this story. Why have you nottold the masses about this? Well, you are now,
I guess. Well, we'll be shamed and humiliated,of course. That's why, because you never get
the true, you can't just tell people about thealiens that you saw and that you were abducted
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because of people. You know what I think, becausethat was back in the 80s, right? Oh yeah. Well,
he was risen because he reappeared on the Metro.Oh, you saw him on the Metro? Oh yeah, I saw
Jesus on the Metro. What year? Oh, this is like.Yesterday early 2000s. Yeah, it was many years
later, but Jesus it was six foot. Did he haveany sunny D? I'm pretty sure he He had something
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stronger than sunny D. That's unfortunate. Andthen what was he? What would he do? Did he
talk to you? Did you talk to him? I know hewould he would just kind of stand. Wait, you
saw him multiple times Oh on the metro. Yeah,it always be on the red line. Is he still there?
No, he died and had just died yet again. Sofor probably the third time. Once, you know,
nailed to a cross, second time probably fromSonny D. Too much Sonny D. And third time he
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probably got pushed under the tracks in themetro. And that's the way it goes. That's just
a very long. And you know, that's the rightending for Jesus. It is, you know. Oh, and
that was another reason to go to the mall, bythe way. Teen females that were older than
us. Yeah. That were, yeah, that were hangingout at the mall. So you'd go and again, start
at the food court because. What else are yougonna do? You're gonna have some- You're potentially
get drunk on Sunny D. Jesus D. And if Jesusgot you drunk on Sunny D and vodka, you might
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have enough juice to go up to the girl thatyou liked in school who is now at the mall
shop. Yeah, actually that was nothing. It wasgreat for hanging. It was hanging and like,
it was- Hanging and jiving. It was jiving andhanging. Yeah. It was the play before we were
old enough to go to the bars and hang out andtotally get shot down by girls. The mall was
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the place to get shot down at the food court.That's the name of this episode. I mean, DeMone
was not, that was not a typical like happeningwhere he like hit on the girl and wind up like,
you know, actually he did because it was a,it was. What song did they play in the dugout
when they're having sex in the dugout? JacksonBrown. Yes. Somebody's baby. That's exactly
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right. She's got to be somebody's baby. It neverworked out like that. It never worked out.
I never heard Jackson Brown. No, but I'm sayingwe... At the mall. Yeah, yeah. We... And what
song did they play in the Phoebe Cates scenewhere she comes out of the pool? Oh God. Beep,
beep, boop, boop. The cars? Beep, boop, boop.Beep, beep, boop, boop. the greatest scene
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in cinematic history. I mean, that was like,if you were our age, and that scene, I mean,
it's like, you sort of made your head explode.It still does. But it was the pick-up place.
It was the place to go in, not pick-up, buthang out, like, because you couldn't really,
you wouldn't really approach girls at school.No, and you could barely approach, we were
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like, how old are we? 12. Yeah, 12, but youknow, you get to the pizza joint, or you get
McDonald's, and you're sitting at the same tableas sharing fries. Yeah, at that point you were
like hanging, at least you're hanging out withthe girls. You're both dipping in the same
ketchup. That's as close as you got, yeah. Yeah.Who, how, I remember first kiss was a, for
me, was a female from middle school. Do youknow who, I don't think I ever told you. Mm-mm.
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It was Melanie Schaeffer. Was it the fair? No,it was like in a gutter somewhere. But I'm
not kidding. We were literally on the asphaltin the street below a car in the gutter. Why
don't we do it? I don't think, yeah, well wedidn't do it. I was just, it was a kiss, that
was it. But I don't remember. In the gutter.That is a good, I don't know if I've ever heard
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a better first kiss story than. Oh, where areyou? Now we were in somebody's car. No, we
were in the mall. No, we were under a car. Undercar,in the gutter. We were in the gutter, on the
asphalt, on the ground, underneath the, like,you know, the underside, I was looking at the
undercarriage, the undercoating. You were lookingat her undercoating? No, I was looking at her
undercoating. ["The Undercarriage"]
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Thanks for listening to the Sons of San Fernando.Don't forget to hit that subscribe or follow
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I'm Tony. I'm Eric. We are the sons of San Fernando.But we've been friends for over 40 years. And
grew up together in the San Fernando Valley.These are the stories of our experiences as
adventurous Gen X latchkey slackers from backin the day. And don't forget to hit the follow
or subscribe button so you don't miss an episode.So you just told me about a new mall in the
(00:30):
San Fernando Valley. It's not a new mall. Well,it's an old mall, but it's a new mall. It used
to be Topanga Plaza. I know someone named ChrisMall. That's his real name. He was a tour guide.
Who's a tour guide with me? My friends calledhim Doogie because he reminded them of Doogie
Howser. There's nothing about this that I careabout. He then became an assistant for Kelsey
(00:50):
Grammer for a long time. Still not caring. Henow gives VIP tours at Universal Studios to
all the celebs. Wow. Chris Maul. That's... He'sa good guy. That has no bearing on my life.
I like him. Children, wife. I'm so glad foryou. That's useless information. Chris, if
you're listening, we love you. No, we don't.Oh, I do. He's great. He's hysterical. Super
(01:14):
great guy. Chris Maul. M-A-U-L. To Maul. ToMaul means to... To... Destroy Chu. Uh, attack.
Yeah. Attack basically is mall. Yeah. Interestingthat it's a homonym for with the word mall
shopping also means shopping mall. Where doesthat word come from? Paul mall, Paul mall,
(01:39):
the cigarettes to put a Paul upon somethingis metaphor to putting the Paul upon the casket.
So, uh, the mall is a place to call is it isa dark, sad. uh... moment you putting a poll
of upon something you're changing the moodsof palm all cigarette is a dark sad all place
(02:01):
shop Yes. And you just went to a refabbed Topangamall. Yeah. So the old Topanga Plaza in the
valley in Woodland Hills, California, the TopangaPlaza. Plaza? Plaza. You really have a very
light A. Plaza. I say Plaza. Well, excuse me,Plaza. Wait, wait. What do you put flowers
(02:25):
in? What you fill it with? A vase. Oh, not avase. No, no, no. It's a vase. Whatever. Plaza
was British the mall that one of the malls wewent to growing up in the valley and like all
the other ones that got bought out by Westfield.Right dude, who are these people? Everybody?
(02:46):
Well, they've got off bought ton of money becausethey are they have upgraded malls, thousands
of malls all over farm wide, dare I say so nowthe Westfield depending there I just went Uh-huh.
Like a couple weeks ago. Uh-huh. And it is justlike high-end everything. Right. Everything.
Right. Like you've got Cartier, you've got Gucci,you've got all the high-end watch places. You
(03:11):
got it. You name it, you got it. Yeah, theygot every, it's so- Rolexes, Tudors. You got
it, you got it. You got it. All the high-endclothes, all the high-end watches, all the
high-end shoes, all the high-end- High-end.Yeah. Say high-end one more time.
No, no. Okay, that was good. I enjoyed the restraintthere. It's very much unlike what our mall
(03:32):
experience was. What was your mall experience?What was the main mall you went to? Main mall.
Galleria, man. The gall... The galleria! Allright, can we name a couple movies in which
the Galleria is featured? Okay, the interioris featured. Is featured. The Galleria is featured
in Fast Times or Richmond High. Absolutely.What else? But what was the exterior? Oh, in
(03:54):
Fast Times, it was something else? Oh, I don'tknow the answer to this. Really? Yeah. Really?
What was the exterior shot? The exterior shotwas the Santa Monica Place in Santa Monica,
which is still there. Wow, I did not know that.That's an interesting factoid. The Santa Monica
Place. And you know who was in Fast Times atRidgemont High then? Well, yes, a lot of you.
(04:14):
Judge Reinhold does. No, somebody that I know.Oh, wait, yes. One of the Pat Banatars. Yes.
Who was that? Blair Tufkin. Blair Tufkin. Imean, Blair Tefkin, yes. Artie Fuffkin. Blair
Tefkin was the main Pat Benatar. She was thenumber, there were three Pat Benatars and she
was the main Pat Benatar. She was the main PatBenatar. You knew somebody in Fast Times, that's
(04:34):
amazing. I still know somebody. And Fast Timeswas very much built around the mall culture
and that's, you know what? It was. I gotta say.The mulcher, if you will. The mulcher, it was
Cameron Crowe, right? That made Fast Times?Really? Was it? No. I don't know. No, no, Amy,
Amy heckling. I don't know. Oh crap. Now I'mgoing to have to learn this. Oh yeah. You're
(04:56):
on your own. I'm just shooting. All I know isSean Penn and Blair Deffken. Uh, and Jennifer
Jason Lee and Jennifer Jason Lee. She used tocome to our gigs with Blair Deffken when I
was playing with Blair. Oh, Jennifer Jason Lee.Jennifer Jason Lee would come to the gigs.
Yeah. They were friends. Yeah. Maybe they'restill friends. I don't know by the way Do you
know in that movie when judge Reinhold is drivingand he's making a delivery and he's working
(05:19):
for that No, no, he's got the he's deliveringwith a with a pirate hat. Oh, yeah And he pulls
up next to that chick. Yeah, he's like, youknow, yeah making eyes at her and he forgets
that He's got a pirate outfit. You know whothat woman in the car is? No, Nancy Wilson.
No Wow, that's another good fact. Great cameo,right? Wow, I did not know that. But the Malt
(05:43):
culture in that is exactly. The Malt-cher. TheMalt-cher, I'm sorry, I stand corrected. The
Malt-cher, the Malt culture is exactly whatwe lived back then with the movie theater.
Oh God, yeah. And the pizza joint. And the guyselling tickets. By the way, Damone I became
friends with when my kids were born because.He would go to Starbucks. He opened a coffee
(06:04):
shop. And then he opened a coffee shop, yeah.In the valley. But let me just tell you, I
don't even know the guy's name, but I wouldtalk to him all the time. Robert, oh god. And
I just wanna say, super cool guy. Yeah, oh yeah.He was great. We used to have all kinds of
conversations, but I never learned his name.Chew for Blue Oyster Cult and Little Brother.
And Van Halen, he was selling the Van Halentickets too. Yeah, he had a, DeMone had it
(06:27):
all, but. The interior in there, yeah, was themall. Was the Sherman Oaks Galleria. Which
still exists, but it's not the, it's still calledthe Galleria, but it's not a mall anymore.
No, I mean, no, they tore the whole thing down.It was a whole, they call it the Galleria,
but it's a different thing. There's a fuckin'P.F. Chang's and a DSW and a 24-hour footrest
over there. Lots of initials. All kinds of initials.Everything, you actually have to be in it.
(06:50):
The whole thing is initials. You don't haveinitials, you can't be in the mall. No, it's
not even a mall, really, frankly. It's a corridorwith office buildings above it. Now, but it's
a sham and a shame and a disgrace. But it wasan indoor Mecca for, we didn't even do, we
didn't even do shopping. No, you know what wedid at the mall? We loitered. We loitered because
(07:15):
we didn't have any money. We didn't spend anymoney. We had no dollars that we had. So window
shopped. And here's another reason why it wasgreat to go into the Sherman Oaks It was cool
when it was f***** hot outside. Oh well, becausethe valley. And you know that there was some
SIG alert and some sort of, oh, I guess theSIG alert is traffic. There was some sort of...
(07:38):
The heat alert, yeah. No, not what's the...Oh, when it's a heat alert? No, no, it was
a air quality. Oh yeah, because... We had airquality alerts every single day. Because of
all the smog and the heat. It was smogaliciousin the valley back then. So what did you do?
You go to the mall. Because it was cool. Andwe did not cool like we were cool, like cool
like it was cold. No, you'd ride your Diamondbackor your Robinson over to, what'd you have?
(08:02):
Bicycle? Yeah. I had a Schwinn. I had a fuckingHuffy. Oh, you had a Huffy? No, that's bad.
I know, but so was the Schwinn. Dude, the Huffywas. I had a banana seat. Excuse me? Dude,
the Huffy. The Huffy was like five steps belowthe Schwinn. The Schwinn was like four steps
(08:22):
below the mongoose. And we still rode over tothe mall. And then, yeah, we got out of the
105 degree. 108. Yeah. And then you go in themall and then you do nothing. You hang out.
And so one day me and Angel Cat are hangingout. OK. Oh no, tell me this. One day me and
Angel Cat are hanging out. And because we hadno money, we were sitting in McDonald's. I
(08:44):
don't even know if we bought anything at theMcDonald's. I think we were just sitting in
the booth. at the McDonald's. They were kindof lucky about that. I'd have to ask Angel
Cat and see what he said we were doing. Butall of a sudden this man walks up to us who
looks just like Jesus Christ. And we assumedit was. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. And by just
like Jesus Christ. He had a robe and long hair.He looked like the European Da Vinci Jesus
(09:06):
motherfucking Christ. Like you, like he walkedout of a Renaissance painting. Was it, was
it, did he, uh, did it, Birkenstocks? That Idon't remember, but I will say. robe that was
disheveled. He was disheveled, a beard, he lookedkind of European, thin, long head. Did he have
a glow behind his head? No, but he did have.Sheep? He did have a half gallon bottle of
(09:29):
liquid that he put down on the table and satdown with us. Was it water and then he changed
it into orange, right? It was golden liquidand not pee. I was just going to urine. Not
pee. No, it was more, I know it was like sunlightgolden. It was sunlight golden. And he sits
down with us and he says, I don't know, he honestlydon't remember what he said. Wait, wait, could
you smell the booze on his breath? No, it wasJesus Christ, my friend. Okay, so can you stop
(09:53):
blaspheming? Jesus sits down with us and welet him, because of course, right? Well, of
course, when in Rome. Let me just say, how old,we were probably 14, maybe 13. For 13 and 14.
And Jesus. If Jesus sits down with you, youlet him. You let him. You don't say, get the
fuck out of here, Jesus. Someone asks if you'rea god, you say yes. So he sits down with us
(10:20):
and he puts his jug down of what was. Goldenliquid. Ostensibly a Sunny D jug. Oh, a Sunny
Delight jug. Okay, so it's a plastic jug. AndI'm assuming that at least a large portion
of the liquid in that jug. was remaining sunnydelight. Right. Okay, I think it may have said,
(10:40):
it was, it may have said sunny Dion. It mayhave been an actual sunny D-Jug. And he says
a few things to us. Oh, what's that we think?We're so stunned by seeing Jesus that I don't
really remember the conversation. All I rememberis that he starts to leave and he says, this
is for you guys. And he leaves us the sunnyD-Jug. That is, that is, there's. Ritalin,
(11:03):
early Ritalin. There's something. Oh, it's good.It gets good. There's something moving in there.
Here we are, 14 year olds in the middle of theSherman Oaks Galleria in the valley in the
scorching heat of the summer. A safe place.I'm all supposed to be a safe place for kids.
A random Christ shows up. A random Christ. Andgives us a half imbibed jug of Sunny D and
(11:23):
God knows what. What do you think Angel Catand I did? You absolutely swig it. We went
and got water cups from the fountain. and webrought the water cups back. Oh, you didn't
lip it? You didn't go right there and just lipthat thing? No, we got two water cups. You
wuss. We got two water cups and poured eachother a glass of the elixir. It's Jesus juice.
(11:45):
That Jesus brought us. You know that you'regonna see the light. I think that's what we
called it. Do you see the light? And shockingly,we drank the Jesus juice together. And I'll
tell ya, it was a Sunny D screwdriver that Jesusdelivered to us. Of course it was. Yeah. Thank
God it wasn't laced with anything else, butthere was definitely a Sunny D and probably
(12:08):
the cheapest vodka one could purchase at thetime. Jesus was trying to enlighten you with
alcohol. We were 14 and we got absolutely liton this Sunny D screwdriver. Jesus wanted it
that way. Jesus felt like you have a betterchance of finding your way. I will tell you.
On a little bit of vodka. There were no negativeeffects. we got lit on Sunny D screwdriver.
(12:32):
This is not one of those live and learn stories.Was that the end of your day at the mall or
did you then go around and loiter some more?We loitered the rest of the day drinking Sunny
D screwdriver. Do you remember a lot of thestores that were in the gallery? I'm trying
to remember some of the places we would likeloiter. I mean, there was like Pacific Sun
where- Oz. A-H-H-H-H-H-S. No, no, they werelike- A-A-A-A-A-H-H-S? I think there were-
(12:58):
four or five A's and a couple H's or one H.You know why there were so many A's? Because
it would come up first in the phone book. Oh,smart. Very smart. And Oz, Oz sold all sorts
of, they had the t-shirts. It was a noveltyand assorted sun greaves. So it was like Spencer's.
Yes, Spencer's very similar. They had a bunchof weird, they had a little bit of everything,
(13:20):
nothing you really wanted. I remember therewas an adult section. That was cordoned off.
Where they would just keep adults? It was Jamescordoned off, yeah. There was an adult section
that you, yeah, there was like porn and stuffin there, I'm assuming. I don't know, I never
went in. You never went in my ass. No, I neverwent in your ass. No, I never did. That's crazy.
What is wrong with you? What is literally wrongwith you? You have, Think about what you are
(13:48):
saying. No, I have. You never went in the adultsection. Nor at your ass. Of Oz. No. I mean,
we spent a lot of time. You say we didn't goin anywhere, but we would sneak into the movie
theater every once in a while. Yeah, well, no,for me, I remember not sneaking in, but staying
for multiple movies. Oh, right. You'd get oneticket for a movie, and they would come to
like, and you know what, that's the thing. Youcould stay for more than one movie because
(14:11):
they'd. didn't always clean up between movies.No, and you could go in. There was a movie
theater that we did sneak into that maybe youdid, maybe you didn't. It was more in our hood,
closer to us, because the gallery was, yes.The movies of Tarzana before it was Man Valley
West, it was the movies of Tarzana. In the back,there was a parking lot. Oh yeah, no, no. That
was where the exits were for the theaters. Andyou could just walk in and people walked out.
(14:35):
Yeah, and we did that multiple times. What,you went to the mall and you went to the movie
theater, what was your snack of choice? Snackof choice? Yeah. Snack of choice. What was
your snack of choice? Snack of choice. My snackof choice was always popcorn, of course, and
red motherfucking vines. Fuck red vines. Okay,I'm never gonna talk to you again. Are you
(14:56):
kidding me? The best. The worst ass food ever.You're not gonna tell me that your ass likes
Twizzlers. No, I don't like any of that shit.Oh, red vines are amazing. No, red vines were
like chewing fucking. Look. Human flesh. Yeah.They were, no, it's, you probably want to know
why I know what chewing human flesh feels like.I don't, but I have a feeling you're going
(15:19):
to tell me. Licorice chewies, no, there wasa terrible one. Hannibal. There was nothing
good about fucking red vines. Delicious. No.It was as good as the screwdriver from Jesus.
I. Oh, I love Mike and Ikes. And jujubes. No,I hate jujubes. Jujubes. No, jujubes are, now
that's terrible. That's basically like... Thatwas the mall of... Jujubees were basically
(15:42):
eating number two pencil erasers. You know what?It just reminded me of the... Flavor and texture.
Eating these items at the theater reminded mewhen we would go to the mall when I was young,
my mom would always get my brother and I somecandy. Cause they always had like a candy counter.
What is wrong with our parents? Yeah, they would.They would have, the malls would always have
(16:03):
that. They have like some candy counters. Eitheryou go to C's candy, which is still around
eight billion years later, even though they'recandy. Suck. Plus $4,000 too for a C's candy.
It is a lot of money. One sucker is like $58.Yeah, 58, 50. And plus tax and installation,
yeah. But. Delivery. But. There was always aplace in the mall to get candy. So it would
(16:28):
keep us kids, you know, shut us up while wewere, it was before the days where we were
teenagers and loitering. This is when we werekids. Delivered by mom. I always liked, they
were called, later on called snow caps, butthey're like nonpareils or something like that.
The flat dark chocolate disc with the whitelittle crunchy things on top. I used to get.
(16:54):
and like a sack full of those. I'd eat likeeight billion calories of those in a mall session
just to shut me up. Was never really into those.Love those. But great mall snack. Mall snack,
ball sack, Slee stack. What's Slee stack from?Robert Stack. What's Slee stack from? Land
(17:18):
of the Lost. Thank you. Name... name Marshall,Will and Holly on a routine expedition to the
greatest earthquake of them all. Come on, dude,if you don't know it of them all, stand aside.
I thought you said of them all of them all.Oh, I thought we were going back to them all.
By the way, a quick commercial break. Yeah.You know this. I don't know the name of the
(17:43):
only sleaze stack that could talk. The goldsleet stack. Oh wait, Enoch. Yes. Wow, God.
Yeah, I didn't know that was in there. No, youhad it. Honestly didn't know. I could see it
in the rear. And you know the name of the littlemonster thing that was friends with Holly.
Chaka. Yeah. Yeah, later became a tag artist.Chaka? Chaka, yeah, it was like a graffiti
(18:05):
artist here in LA. I don't know if it's thesame Chaka though. No, it was a little furry
man. Running around. Yeah. Um, but it will goback to the mall stores. I'm trying to remember
what was around at the gallery at back at thattime. Where would we loiter? It was mostly
like in the hallways. I mean, we didn't likego with Spencer's. Oh, you said that. All right.
Spencer's, but there was another, what play,uh, there were a lot of like clothing boutiques
(18:30):
and the clothing boutiques that sold parachutepants. Oh yeah. Parachute pants. Yeah. They,
uh, they did. Oh, you were just doing, uh, RickJames sampled by MC Hammer. Okay. Yes, there
were there were lots of parachute pants therewere lots of zippers. Yeah the whole look.
(18:52):
The better in the did you ever have a real membersonly Jack lit Jack lit you know that's a smaller
version of a jacket you know what I had so it'sgonna be you Jack lit so buying clothes at
the mall for me was sad because... You needa soundtrack for this? Yeah, yeah. Can you
(19:14):
give me some sad music, please? So, I nevergot the name brand items. I was always stuck
with, instead of members only, it looked likea members only, but it said Hunt Club on it.
Who the fuck is Hunt Club? What is the hunt?And Keds, I had a lot of Keds, but- Look, I
(19:38):
had the fake members only too. I never had areal members only. My dad got me a cheap knockoff
from downtown. You know what? But your dad knewclothes. So it was probably really quality.
It just didn't say members only. I rememberrocking it like I was Michael Jackson. What
color is yours? Red. Oh, see, that was the thing.That's how you did it right. You did red. You
know what mine was? Beige. Motherfucking brown.Yes, motherfucking brown. Who has a brown knockoff
(20:04):
of members only? It's like I show up thinkingI'm going to be this shit. You're like, no,
you look like shit. You are a poser. Here'sthe amazing thing. this. When you asked me
what color it was, I could see you made it.I think I remember it. Yeah. I was like, oh
yeah, it was beige. I remember putting thatthing on. I'm like, mom got this for me at
(20:26):
the mall. I'm going to put this on and walkit. I'm like, I'm going to be the shit. And
like, that first, I think, I think she boughtit for me. And then I wore it to school that
one day I knew I, I never wore it again. I'mlike, there were so many knockoffs. There were
like, I mean, that was the thing was the membersonly jank and then everybody had a knockoff.
Only Jacket. The members only jackets were expensive.Right, but we it was only our parents buying
(20:48):
stuff for us. We weren't buying anything. Yeah,we were ten. I don't really remember hardly
any of the stores because all we did was hangout at the food court. Yeah, food court was
the place to be seen. Sparrows. How is Sparrowsstill around? That's the worst fucking pizza
ever. It tastes, the container it comes in tastesbetter than the actual pizza. And we didn't
(21:08):
even eat it willingly. And that was even moreexpensive than McDonald's. So we did, cause
there was a McDonald's on the lower level, whichis where Jesus was found. And that's where
we would hang out. Is that the McDonald's? Jesushas been found. The second coming at McDonald's
on the lower level. That was the actual secondcome. That was the actual Jesus. Here's the
thing that blows my mind. Nobody else knew it.An addict. If he was just some homeless dude,
(21:30):
right? Some homeless addict. that's dressedlike Jesus, why would he give us the remainder
of his screwdriver? The only reason he wouldhave given us his sonny D motherfucking screwdriver
is if he was actually the second coming of Christ.I can't argue with that. You can't argue with
(21:51):
that? No, I can't, no, that's, yeah, yeah. That'ssound logic. It never made the papers. No.
It didn't get on Twitter. Well, it's not onlyAngel Cat, Angel Cat and I saw him. But Angel
Cat will verify this story. Why have you nottold the masses about this? Well, you are now,
I guess. Well, we'll be shamed and humiliated,of course. That's why, because you never get
the true, you can't just tell people about thealiens that you saw and that you were abducted
(22:13):
because of people. You know what I think, becausethat was back in the 80s, right? Oh yeah. Well,
he was risen because he reappeared on the Metro.Oh, you saw him on the Metro? Oh yeah, I saw
Jesus on the Metro. What year? Oh, this is like.Yesterday early 2000s. Yeah, it was many years
later, but Jesus it was six foot. Did he haveany sunny D? I'm pretty sure he He had something
(22:38):
stronger than sunny D. That's unfortunate. Andthen what was he? What would he do? Did he
talk to you? Did you talk to him? I know hewould he would just kind of stand. Wait, you
saw him multiple times Oh on the metro. Yeah,it always be on the red line. Is he still there?
No, he died and had just died yet again. Sofor probably the third time. Once, you know,
nailed to a cross, second time probably fromSonny D. Too much Sonny D. And third time he
(23:03):
probably got pushed under the tracks in themetro. And that's the way it goes. That's just
a very long. And you know, that's the rightending for Jesus. It is, you know. Oh, and
that was another reason to go to the mall, bythe way. Teen females that were older than
us. Yeah. That were, yeah, that were hangingout at the mall. So you'd go and again, start
at the food court because. What else are yougonna do? You're gonna have some- You're potentially
get drunk on Sunny D. Jesus D. And if Jesusgot you drunk on Sunny D and vodka, you might
(23:29):
have enough juice to go up to the girl thatyou liked in school who is now at the mall
shop. Yeah, actually that was nothing. It wasgreat for hanging. It was hanging and like,
it was- Hanging and jiving. It was jiving andhanging. Yeah. It was the play before we were
old enough to go to the bars and hang out andtotally get shot down by girls. The mall was
(23:53):
the place to get shot down at the food court.That's the name of this episode. I mean, DeMone
was not, that was not a typical like happeningwhere he like hit on the girl and wind up like,
you know, actually he did because it was a,it was. What song did they play in the dugout
when they're having sex in the dugout? JacksonBrown. Yes. Somebody's baby. That's exactly
(24:15):
right. She's got to be somebody's baby. It neverworked out like that. It never worked out.
I never heard Jackson Brown. No, but I'm sayingwe... At the mall. Yeah, yeah. We... And what
song did they play in the Phoebe Cates scenewhere she comes out of the pool? Oh God. Beep,
beep, boop, boop. The cars? Beep, boop, boop.Beep, beep, boop, boop. the greatest scene
(24:42):
in cinematic history. I mean, that was like,if you were our age, and that scene, I mean,
it's like, you sort of made your head explode.It still does. But it was the pick-up place.
It was the place to go in, not pick-up, buthang out, like, because you couldn't really,
you wouldn't really approach girls at school.No, and you could barely approach, we were
(25:06):
like, how old are we? 12. Yeah, 12, but youknow, you get to the pizza joint, or you get
McDonald's, and you're sitting at the same tableas sharing fries. Yeah, at that point you were
like hanging, at least you're hanging out withthe girls. You're both dipping in the same
ketchup. That's as close as you got, yeah. Yeah.Who, how, I remember first kiss was a, for
me, was a female from middle school. Do youknow who, I don't think I ever told you. Mm-mm.
(25:30):
It was Melanie Schaeffer. Was it the fair? No,it was like in a gutter somewhere. But I'm
not kidding. We were literally on the asphaltin the street below a car in the gutter. Why
don't we do it? I don't think, yeah, well wedidn't do it. I was just, it was a kiss, that
was it. But I don't remember. In the gutter.That is a good, I don't know if I've ever heard
(25:54):
a better first kiss story than. Oh, where areyou? Now we were in somebody's car. No, we
were in the mall. No, we were under a car. Undercar,in the gutter. We were in the gutter, on the
asphalt, on the ground, underneath the, like,you know, the underside, I was looking at the
undercarriage, the undercoating. You were lookingat her undercoating? No, I was looking at her
undercoating. ["The Undercarriage"]
(26:20):
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