Theme Parks In The Gen X Age - Spin Me Until I Barf

Southern California was a haven for theme parks in the Gen X days. You could puke your guts our on spinout at ride Six Flags Magic Mountain and use your E ticket to ride the Matterhorn at Disneyland while munching on a corn dog then be face to face with Jaws at Universal Studios before the weekend was over.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
I'm Tony. I'm Eric. We are the sons of San Fernando.But we've been friends for over 40 years. And
grew up together in the San Fernando Valley.These are the stories of our experiences as
adventurous Gen X latchkey slackers from backin the day. And don't forget to hit the follow
or subscribe button so you don't miss an episode.Um. You know what? I do. I hate... Mickey Mouse.

(00:33):
Six Flags. Magic Mouse. Same smell. I was drivingby it the other day. Hate is a strong word
for a theme park. Yeah, and I feel like it'saccurate. Have you always hated Six Flags?
I've always hated it, even before I went. Allsix? Before I was born. Every single goddamn
flag is bad, and let me tell you why. Well,when we were kids... I used to love it. We'd

(00:57):
go there all the time. I loved Magic Mountain.Well, let me play... We call it Magic Mountain
here. We call it Magic Mountain. Why do youlove Magic Mountain slash The Guns? I don't
love it anymore. I used to love it. Why didyou love it? Oh, just the excitement of those
rides, man. You go upside down on the Revolutionand you go super fast on... The Revolution.
Do you remember what they said at the beginningof the Revolution? Yeah, it went something
like this.

(01:20):
Revolution. Okay, but here's my version. CanI do my version? Please. It's very similar.
Okay. So don't get your hopes up. Keep yourhopes really low. Keep the expectations up.
Ready? There's no expectations. All right, here'show I'm going to do the same hand cover mouth
thing.
Your revolution was better. The ending was exactly.The revolution. Yeah, there was always- The

(01:42):
branding. Maybe I should keep the hand over,no, I'll stop the revolution. Is that better?
You should probably just keep your hand overyour mouth all the time. All the time. Then
nobody would have to listen to you. I don'tlike it because you go and there's no vibe.
There's no vibe. There was? It's all about pukeyrides. Okay. Rides that make you york. No.
That makes you schlack. York. That make youyork. Michael York? You never heard of York?

(02:06):
I heard York, yeah. New, old, all the Yorks.Old Yorks? Oh, I get it, New York. Growing
up, back in the day, we used to go all the time,and it was a lot of fun. It was a cheap way
to get your thrills, cheap thrills. The coasterswere fast, Colossus was huge. You get up to
the top of Colossus, they put in, what was thatcrazy one, Viper? Oh yeah. Well, those are

(02:30):
all old. I mean, now they're terrifying. Theydon't compare. Cause like now you're hanging
upside down. You're flying backwards. Yeah fromlike 70 stories high. Yeah. They hold you by
your underwear. No. I want to try that one.Yeah. Is that called the wedgie? Flying wedgie.
It's 90 miles an hour held by your Tidy whiteys.Yeah. Okay, well. Yeah. I don't know what you're

(02:52):
wearing. The flying wedgie. Now you do. Oh goodLord. I know you didn't want to. Wish I didn't.
I know. No, I didn't like it. I much preferreda theme park with some soul. You mentioned
Pukey rides. I do mention Pukey rides. And Iwill concede that there was one ride at Six
Flags. That was Pukey? Well, the Spinout. Oh,good God. That was Barf Out, was the name of

(03:15):
that ride. So it was basically like, if youwere strapped to a roulette wheel, but standing
up. And here's the thing, that is an old carnyride that you see at every carnival anywhere,
right? Where you get in a little roulette wheel.and you put your back to it, they spin you
around, you stick to it, but then there weresome things that were a little different in
Spin Out that they didn't have in these othercarny rides. One, there was a roof, so your

(03:36):
inside. That's right. It's doubly pukey. Anddidn't they tilt it? Well, they do, I think.
I think they tilted it. They definitely tiltthe carnival ones. And the floor, didn't the
floor drop? And then the floor drops out. Causeyou're sticking to the wall. And the thing,
here's the thing about that. The floor, you'reat a ceiling, so you're like, inside's disgusting.
I'm literally getting nauseous talking aboutthis. then the floor drops out from under you

(03:58):
and you don't stick that well in this. Not everybodysticks to the wall perfectly. A lot of people
would slide down to the floor and then as thefloor starts coming back up they would get
smashed. How was that not like a liability nightmare?That is a testament to the fact that people
did not used to sue each other. See, I usedto, I didn't mind that ride because on the

(04:18):
playgrounds, remember those giant metal. Yeah,the- The poorly things that you get on that
were like super stupid. The merry-go-round.Is that what it was? Yeah, they're called merry-go-round.
Was it with the, where you just get on spinat high speed and then jump on? Yeah. And then
somebody would stay off of it, somebody wouldstay off of it, spin the living fuck out of
it, and then you would try to jump off intohopefully into the sand and not the asphalt.
Because we're so fucking dangerous. It was amazing.I know, but we did jump off into asphalt. But

(04:42):
I loved those. I loved those too. So thereforeI enjoyed- Here's the thing. I enjoyed spin
out until- But wait. Don't tell me the until,I just want to say one last thing about the
merry-go-round. You could jump off at any time.You could bail. You can't bail out of spin
out. Okay, now give me the until. Well, on themerry-go-round, everybody just had a good old
time. They go around merrily. Yeah, hence themerry. But on- They should call it a gay-go-round.

(05:08):
But on spin- Merry. A merry-go-round. But onspin- A jolly-go-round. It started getting-
Would you like to jump on my jolly-go-round?How much is that going to cost? Spinout became a problem because there was about an 84% chance that you get puke on you.
Yeah, because everybody's puking. Yeah, and so that, like, if you enjoy the ride and you didn't puke, you all of a suddendid not enjoy the ride because you're covered in vomit.

(05:38):
And here's the great thing about puking on Spinout.You know what it is. They give you a voucher
for a free hot dog after? Yes, but prior tothat, the puke sticks to the wall and your
face and your body. There's zero G's. It goesstraight back into the wall and on your face.
How do people not choke to death? Now thereis, number one, a liability. Number two, possibly

(06:01):
the worst job in the history of theme parksis the guy has to clean the hose out, spin
out. I would imagine, I would like to find out.I wonder if there's like a website dedicated.
to how like the average puke per day, like thePPD on spin out. In like pints, gallons? No,
I'm gonna go by individual pukes. Individualpukes, okay. One puke per day, 10 pukes, what

(06:24):
is the PPDs? Oh man, that's gotta be dozens.On average. Dozens, dozens. Dozens of PPDs,
yeah. I would say- During or after. If I hadto make an educated guess about that, I would
say that on spin out, it was probably, you figurethey're open from what? Nine to midnight? Ish.
Okay, so that's a lot of hours. That's a lotof vomit. What is that, 15 hours? 16 hours,

(06:48):
something like that? I can't do math. So youfigure every three hours you got one puke?
Yeah. What is that, five? Oh dude, that's generous.Oh, you think it's a 10 PPD? I think it's more
than that. Okay, all right. I'll give it a 10PPD. Okay, we'll do some research. We'll do
some research, and if anybody wants to writein. But that was just one. Write in, write

(07:08):
us a letter. To our PO box and let us know whatthe PPD is. Do the math. We're excited to know,
but we had so many theme parks. Here in LA?In Southern California. That we had a lot to
choose from, so if you didn't wanna go there.The old theme parks. Yeah, well. We had a bunch
of old theme parks. Give me one of yours. Doyou remember the old theme parks? Bush Gardens.

(07:31):
Oh, dude, I had forgotten until right this verymoment. It was at the- Bush motherfucking gardens.
Dude, Bush Gardens at the brewery. The brewery.Uh huh, in the middle of the goddamn valley.
That place was the best, they had a water ride.They did, they had a loom. A plume, a flume.
It was like a luge. Isn't that what they'recalled? No, not a luge. A flume, a flume. Yeah,
a flume. A plume, a plume, a plume. Yeah, andit was like a fucking real ride. It was really

(07:51):
good. And I think they had. It was a real ride.Did they have like strollers, you know, in
the parks with like dressed as beers? It wasjust a guy's big bottle of beer. Yeah, or a
bottle of beer would make more sense. That soundslike something out of The Simpsons. The only
thing I remember, the only ride I remember atBusch Gardens was that flume ride, the water
ride. Busch Gardens. Because it wasn't huge.Like they didn't have a, it wasn't like Disneyland.

(08:14):
I'm wondering if there were any other rides.There might not have been. Because all I remember
was the flume too. I think we just, you knowwhy? I can still smell the hops. Because our
parents... put us on the flume over and overagain while they went and got high up hammered.
Did they get free beer when you're at BuschGardens? Is that what it was? It was like six,
how the fuck would I know if you got free beer?I'm just wondering. I don't know. Again, somebody

(08:35):
will write in. Yeah, was there a sampler? Abeer flight. I'm sure, but they didn't have
flights. It was a can. Well, little Johnny'son the flume. Daddy's getting hammered on a
flight. They should have had like six pack rideswhere you get like on top of a beer can. And

(08:57):
then you try to pull those. You remember thosecaps that used to be on beer cans that were
like a little, there was a little aluminum becausethey were aluminum can. I know there were 10
cans for a while. Right. And they had thoselittle like aluminum foil covers for the mouth.
Well, but they were still, it wasn't just aluminumfoil. There was a pull tab and there was a
pull tab. But that wasn't just foil, it wasa piece of tin. It was sharp as fuck. Right,

(09:21):
there was that too. But there was like the,on the V8s had the little foil. Okay, I'm thinking
of the beers my dad used to have where you wouldpull it and it would come all the way off.
Yeah, I can hear the sound. And then you hadthis. You had this weapon. I mean, you could-
Oh, it was deadly. You could- Slice a throat.A jugular is gone with that thing. Gone, no
jugular. But then the genius came up with thekind of pull tab where you pulled the open

(09:44):
and then you folded it back down and it stayedon the can. I don't remember those. Yeah, they
were kind of where you would pop it to openthe can and then push it back open. And you
could pop them back down? Yeah, yeah. What happenedto that? I don't know, I stopped drinking beer
when I was like 11. Yeah, that's too bad. Imean, come on, when you've got Knott's Berry
Farm, Bush Gardens, and the Big D. in SoCal,why would you go to Six Flags Magic Mountain?

(10:05):
Unless you just want to get on vomit rides.That's the only difference. But you go to Disneyland
and you've got all the vibes of Disneyland,you've got the relationship to the movies and
the television shows. You've got the differentlands where you're in a different land. I am
not in the same land. No. Even. And this isthe thing, I don't know if this still exists

(10:26):
at Disneyland, but first of all, remember weused to go to Disneyland and where did you
park? At like Eeyore right, but it was one openEeyore you're right. It was a we'd park over
at poo You parked in poo parked in poo. Yeah,I parked in Eeyore or goofy or goofy. Yeah,

(10:47):
you part yeah or a Maleficent one flat Giantparking lot. Yeah, was it just one part not
a parking structure now. It's California Adventurethat parking lot. Yeah, right Yeah It was just
one parkway. And it was great because you couldtake the tram. It was so exciting. You'd park
like 60 fucking miles away in the parking lotand a tram would come get you and bring you

(11:08):
to the happiest place on earth. You'd have toget there at like 3 a.m. and then by the time
the tram got you and picked you up, you werein the park at eight. Right, you're in the
park at eight o'clock. But what fun, what anamazing thing. And then you had to go buy a
bunch of tickets. Oh dude. After you buy yourticket. You buy your ticket and then you buy
a bunch of tickets. A ticket book. So. e-ticket.That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

(11:33):
Okay, there was the A through E tickets. Forpeople who don't know, because younger folks
might be listening to this, it used to be thatyou didn't just buy your $200 fucking dollar
ticket to go to fucking... Yeah, you still hadto pay an admission fee. You did. But you get

(11:53):
a book of tickets, and the rides were ranked...A through E. Strangely, E being... You know,
that is super weird. And strangely, this iswhat was backwards. A should be the best ride.
No, the E's were the best rides. So... I cangame up with that. So they ranked all of the
rides and attractions with a letter, A throughE. And if you only had so many tickets, so

(12:19):
many E tickets, you had so many D tickets. Right,it was a book. It was a book. It was a book,
like a checkbook. You tear out a little ticket.And here's our ticket for this ride. And then
when you ran out, that was it. No more fuckinge-rides. It was more carnival-esque. And let
me just say, they also sold, do you remember,they also sold weighted books, depending on
what you wanted to ride. If you wanted to ride,you know, the Space Mountain and the Matterhorn

(12:42):
and the big shit, then you would get in. Well,it was before Space Mountain. It was probably
just. before Space Mountain. But if you wannaride the big rides, you would get the E-weighted,
which is much more money than the Dumbo weighted.Yeah, but if you're just taking the real, real
small kids and you're not even going on thosebig rides, you get the A-weighted. So you're
gonna go on Mr. Toad's like 5,000 times. Listen,Mr. Toad's is an amazing ride. Dude. Maybe

(13:05):
one of the best rides there. Okay, I'm gladthat you agree. I love me some Mr. Toad. It's
terrifying. It's twists and turns. But it'sso scary. I don't know how they managed to
make that so frightening. So is, there's anotherone. What's the other one that you wouldn't
think is frightening? Peter Pan is good. It'sa little scary, not as scary as Mr. Toad. Nothing
is as scary as Mr. Toad. Yeah, I love goingto Disney, but then you get older and then

(13:28):
it's- I haven't been there in a- bazillion years,but you know. It's also like a bazillion dollars
to go. But then there's another, we also haveanother one in the valley. I mean, technically
it's still the valley. There's, I can't believe,man, the valley gets too much. We get just
right from the valley. Which other one are youthinking of? What do you mean which other one
am I thinking of? There is another amusementpark. I guess you call it an amusement. Yeah,
it's an amusement park in the San Fernando Valley.How are you not, you seriously don't know what

(13:53):
I'm talking about? Yeah, oh wait, that usedto be. What is wrong with you? I don't know,
lots. Do you have time for a list? Let's see,you worked there. Oh, jeez! Of course. Oh,
yeah, okay, so you mean the what? It's the movies.You mean the one that I can actually see out

(14:14):
my window right now? Yeah, there it is, I'mlooking at it. Yeah, there it is, the Universal.
Universal Studios, yeah, it's the movies. Yeah.Universal Studios. Universal Studios, right
there. It's the movies. It is literally outsideyour window. Yeah, okay, so I couldn't figure
it out. I was blinded by the mouse. So again,for those who don't know, Eric and I both worked
there at the same time. At 15, 15? 16. 16, wewere 16, it was 19, the year was 1987. Yes,

(14:41):
and we were show controllers. Yeah. You wannaexplain to the listener who we did? Yeah, you
basically were the lowest of the low. Well,no, maybe, I think that maybe the food service
was lowest of the low. Well, not maybe janitorial.No, I think we might have been. Yeah, because
we had to stand and do nothing. When you'rejanitorial, you've got a purpose. You're cleaning

(15:02):
something up. When you're food service, you'refeeding people, giving them nourishment and
sustenance. When you're working in the merch,you are giving people souvenirs that they cherish
for a lifetime. But when you're a show controller,you literally stand with a megaphone. You get
a megaphone, which is nice. Yeah, it was theperk of the job. And you do nothing. You literally

(15:23):
stand there and do nothing. Yeah, we actually,I mean, the thing is, we weren't, it wasn't
really well defined. So show controllers atUniversal Studios, we did various things. We
would make show announcements in the park withour megaphone. I did. Yeah, right this way
for the 1215 Animal Show. You did not soundlike that when you said that. Did you say right
this way? Yeah, I know I went, I tried to soundold timey. Right this way for the one. 15 animals.

(15:49):
I don't remember doing that, but I rememberhaving the megaphone. I must have had the megaphone
for a reason. I must have done that. I'll, thisis what I remember the job being. There were
two things that I remember. This is it. Standingand people would ask me questions. More or
less. When's the next show? Now, the greatestpart about that question is it was usually
standing next to a sign that literally had-The information that they were asking, yeah.

(16:12):
That said, next show with a little slider init that showed the night at the time. but they
would walk up to me and say, when's the nextshow? That was the number one job. Second job
was this, excuse me, sir, can you please standup and move all the way down to your right,
all the way to your right? Sliding people. No,if you could just slide a little, sir, yeah,
sir, can you all the way down? That was my job.Yeah, so Tony's describing, sliding, we would

(16:33):
have to get- They should have called us sliders.Now I want a burger. Where, well, okay, so
we worked at the five show. Can you name allthe shows that we worked at in Universal at
that time? Yes. There are five, right? Uh, let'ssee if I can get them all. Miami Vice, Conan.
Yeah, excuse me, Conan the Barbarian. Next.Continue. Uh, Miami Vice, Conan, uh, Screen

(16:59):
Test Comedy Theater. Oh, I wouldn't, you're100% correct, I forgot about that. Animal Show.
Animal Show. Wild West Show. Wild West Show.What was your favorite? Oh, and then photon
wasn't a show. That was more of a game. Andthen Barbie and the Rockers. Barbie and the
Rockers and Kit-Kar. I mean, they're so, yeah,yeah. And Kit-Kar, right. By the way, I got
a great Kit-Kar story, but we'll get to that.But wait, hold on. What was your favorite show?

(17:20):
Conan. Oh, Conan was your favorite show? Conanand Miami Vice. Oh, really? Miami Vice Action
Spectacular was an action spectacular. Wow,I gotta say. It should have never gotten rid
of that. Those are like, mine didn't even landin your one and two. Why number one? I worked
the Wild West show a ton. I love this fun show.You know why I like Conan? Because- Of Red

(17:41):
Sonja. Yeah, I know. One time, Eric and I weredoing laundry. Yeah, we- In the tower. Yeah,
they had the laundry in the tower of Conan.And the show was going on. They would shimmy
down, Red Sonja would shimmy down the ropes.And we're all of 15, 16, and Red Sonja in that

(18:02):
outfit. What outfit? Running by us, oh my God.It's like, we were like dead, and we're like,
hey, hi, Red Sonja. You sound like Peter Brady.Hi. It is time to change. And we're like these
ridiculous 16 year old dorks, and she was sweetand like, was like, hey guys, and she said
something to us, I don't remember, when sheran by. Yeah, when she's wearing her like loin

(18:25):
cloth. And she was running literally to herentrance, where she comes down the road. She
has to come down like what, 50, 60 feet downa road. Conan? Conan, where are you? That was
it, how was that? That was very good. Wait,let me try it again. Hold on. Okay. Conan?
Conan, where are you? You sound like a verymanly woman. God damn. And here's the reason

(18:46):
I like working that show is because we generallyworked in the summer because we were 16. It
was spring and summer. Generally a billion degreesoutside. So Conan, you worked in- And we were
not making a billion dollars. No, you know howmuch we were made? Five, four, three. Two,
one, Earth, be low. 375, 385 an hour. 385 wasminimum wage back then. What, it was 385? No,

(19:09):
we were in the union. We were in the IATSE union.So we made like 425 or 435, but it didn't matter
because the union dues wound up. bringing itdown to the equivalent of three. Right, back
to the friggin' minimum wage. Yeah, so we weretruly making about $3.85 an hour. How do you
remember this shit, dude? What is wrong withyour brain? I have nothing better to do with
my brain. I cannot believe you remember theminimum wage. So working inside was better,

(19:35):
because Conan was inside. Cool, it was alwayscool. It was really cool. And we, yeah, and
it was like all misty, moisty. Yeah, it wasmoist. It was moisty misty, and then the friggin'
dragon. That was a great show. Um, it was, uh,and Taylor Swift stole the dragon for her re
most recent concert. I don't know if you sawher most recent concert, but a giant like Cobra

(19:55):
comes up. It is exactly like the dragon andConan. I was watching it with miles. She probably
bought it for like 50 bucks. They're like, wecan use that at some point. Some roadie bought
it. And he's like, I have got just the thing.for this tour. I remember the animal show and
people were so stupid. They were like, put somesequins on it. It'll be fine. It's good. Yeah,

(20:18):
it's fine. The animal show used to feature thatremember the, at some point they had like a
Falcon or a Hawk in a box all the way. Hawkin a box. The old Hawk in the box. Yes. You
know what his name was? Jock? Mike. It's Jockthe Hawk in the box. No, it was Mike Hawk.
Mike. You never saw Mike Hawk in the box? Okay,keep going. I'm not even gonna acknowledge

(20:42):
it because frankly- Everybody loved Mike Hawk.I stand her wrong. Hold on. Wait a minute.
You're going, I can't believe you're just glossingover Jacques the Hawk in the box. Mine was
fantastic and you gotta go low. You had to golow. All right, continue. There was a hawk.

(21:03):
Jacques. Mike in the box. And at some pointduring the show, the animal trainer on stage
would tell everybody, you know, hey, turn aroundand look at the top of the you know, the arena
at jock at jock. Well, there was a box, theycouldn't see a bird. And like, look at the
and then said box would open and said hawk orFalcon or whatever it was would come out of

(21:29):
the box and swoop over it was swooping. Yeah,it was swooping over the crowd right. to his
arm. Now, we should define swooping, becauseI remember this very well. And that hawk swooped
at about three inches above everyone's head.Which was a problem. And I don't know why they
kept doing this, because there was one time,

(21:51):
I saved both Mike. My cock.
And a patron, because some patron decided, I'mgonna get up during this. as soon as they say,
oh, hey there. To see. Yeah. To see my cock.And of course, well, you wouldn't get a good
close up look at my cock. I don't blame him.So he, and of course the guy who stands up

(22:17):
just happens to be in line with where the birdis going to fly. So he gets up with his video
camera, that's by the way, the size of a Pontiac.Yeah, of course. Back in the eighties. And
he turns around and I'm like. Sound! Did hesaid? And this guy hit the deck so fast and

(22:37):
the bird flew right where his head vacated.He would have gotten speared. Here's my question
to you. Why do that? Eric, here's my questionto you. Imagine had you not sat that man down
and the show that those people would have gotten.from that hawk slamming into that man. It would
have been death by hawk. And his Pontiac onhis shoulder. It would have been death by hawk.

(22:59):
It would have been amazing. This story. Hawkhits man, man drops VHS recorder, size of a
Pontiac onto somebody in front of him, anotherdeath, it's ma'am. This. I would have had to
clean it up. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I waslooking out for me. It would have been a better
story though, had the guy died. I don't careabout Mike Hawk or the guy. I just care about

(23:20):
me. It's Jacques the Hawk in a box. Okay, Iread a lot of Dr. Seuss. This is why we worked
there. There was, it was a lot of- And thenI continued to work there. Now here's the thing.
I was a tour guide later after, so in 88, Ithink, or 89, 89 I started being a tour guide,
but you had to go through this ridiculous fucking-audition process and three weeks of training.

(23:42):
You had to get through the audition process,like a hundred people would show up to a cold
call. You get through that and there's like30 of us, and then we had to get up and do
like an improvisation, which is fucking crazy.And then, then they would still cut half of
the group. Then the people that remained, wehad to do a three week training process where
we memorized the freaking Bible that was 300pages of song material. Yeah, it was a long

(24:03):
tour, man. Wait a second. Then you had to doan on-tram. test where you did a section of
the tour and then they told you if you get thejob or not. This is weeks into this process.
Now having said what the minimum wage was atthat time and having said what the process
was to get this job, you would think that thejob would then pay at a rate that was substantially

(24:27):
higher than what we were getting as show controllers.I would say so. Guess what I was making? Five
dollars an hour. Five fifty, yeah. Whoa, bigmoney. That was the starting. You could afford
more chicken strips at lunch. But this is, remember,this is two, three years later. This is 1889,
two years later. Still, five fifty after allof that. You were disposable. Remember the

(24:49):
kit car? From Knight Rider? Are we talking aboutlike the actual one that was at Universal?
Yeah, the one that was at Universal. So thatwas an attraction. It wasn't a show, but people
would line up to sit in the car and have. kittalk to them. So when people would come sit
in the car, it was live. I think the one guyBill was the one that I would I would open

(25:10):
the park. And we would do tests before the parkhome for people came in. But when we were doing
the prep, like to soundcheck everything. Ohmy god, Bill, he was unbelievable. He would
get in there and be like, alright, let's youknow, test the mic, Bill. He's like, Hey, baby,
grab my stick shift. Oh my god. He never didthat with the guests. Would you? No, I would

(25:34):
certainly hope not. Make it much more interesting.But everything he did to test was just beyond,
like obscenely dirty. Michael Knight. Da-d

(25:59):
Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse. Yeah, strollersthey call them. Strollers. Yeah, that's what
they call them. I would think they would callit something else. They stroll through the
park. Yeah, but it confuses me of baby strollers.They stroll through the park. Okay, so we had
Care Bear strollers. Okay. And she was havingjust a bad run of things, like I think. Like
the runs? She might've had the, I actually thinkshe might've been sick, like something with

(26:23):
her boyfriend was going on, not going, and.And she had the runs. It was 185 billion degrees
this particular day. And she's in the Care Bearoutfit. Which, there's barely ventilation.
No ventilation. There's barely. That aren'tthem. And the children, the small children
would abuse. Ah, the children. They would abusethe shit out of the strollers. They would like

(26:43):
grab them by the tail and they'd beat on themand kick them into all sorts of things. Right,
it's a good job. So I remember all, I was comingoff, like off of, onto a break and I was about
to go out, you know, out of the park throughone of the gates. she was trying to get out
of the park too on a break, but she was surroundedby like six or seven kids and they're like,

(27:04):
you know, want to sign autographs and they'relike, and then care of her autographs. Oh,
and they, and this, these couple of kids wereparticularly obnoxious and they were like pushing
and kicking and just being awful. Parents knowwhere to be found. And so she had just like
absolutely snapped. Oh no. And all of a suddentry to picture this. I tried to picture like

(27:27):
about a five or six year old child just beatingon a Care Bear. Oh, that's good. And then watching
a Care Bear rear back with like about to givea child a backhand, like a backhand bitch slap.
Oh my God, did she do it? She cranked up thathand next to her head and was about ready to
release and stopped and put her arm down andmyself and another show controller. helped

(27:56):
her get through the gate. She takes the, weget through the gate, so she's out of the park,
nobody can see her. She takes the head off,she wings it into the shrubbery. I quit! Just
like, absolutely lost it. Never came back. That'samazing. Might have driven home in the Care
Bear body. That would be better, like if shehad a pickup truck, she'd just throw the head

(28:18):
in the back. But the coup de grace, the crowningmoment. The do de croc. So the Miami Vice show
was a big outdoor show and it was hugely popular.Hyrotechnics. Because it was 80. Boats. 1987,
88. Hovercraft. Oh, it was amazing. Hovercraft.Big show, everybody wanted to go to this. Big
show. Big show. Big show. Big show. Most, likebiggest arena, more people, more shows, everybody

(28:43):
wanted to go to this. So it's middle summer,coming to the end of the day, and this is the
last show of the day for Miami Vice. An announcementwas always made in this particular show specifically.
If you need to leave to use the restroom orto get concessions or anything, you have to
be back before the show starts. Once the showstarts, you are not allowed to come back into

(29:05):
the show because of pyrotechnics. I rememberthey would play that over and over. The fire
marshal is actually in the show. He is therestanding watching the show. I had the job this
time of being the one to watch the front tokeep. guard at the door, not inside the show.
So show starts, it's a good five, six, sevenminutes into the show. And here comes a guy

(29:31):
who, you know, he and his family have been watching,or got seated for the show. He went out to
get concessions. He comes back, he's open popcornand cokes and hot dogs and all that. He's like,
let me back, you know, back into the show. I'mlike, sir, I'm very sorry, but I can't let
you back into the show. They made the announcements.there are

(30:18):
but you can wait here until your family comesout. He's like, no, I'm getting into that.
Now things turn ugly. He's like, no, I'm gettingback. I'm getting into the show. He turned
ugly, you turned ugly? No, I'm 16. I don't knowhow ugly I could really get. Well, you were
ugly. I was ugly, but I'm also behind bike rack.And this guy is like probably good 300 pounds.
There's no way he's climbing over it. This wasa large gentleman. He was a large gentleman.

(30:41):
He was not a... He was not fit. Marathon runner?No, he was not fit. Okay, I'm just saying,
I'm not calling him any names. I'm just sayinghe probably, but he's like, He's a large. But
he's like three times my size. He could haveweighed you down. Well, again, I'm behind bike
racks, so he's got an armful of snacks. Andhe's like. Let's just say this, in a confrontation,

(31:06):
who would've, let's say all concessions areon the ground. Yeah. And it's a go type situation.
It's an MMA go. Who wins? Oh, I'm running theother way. I'm sprinting. No, this guy's gonna-
You don't even mess with him. No, he's gonnamop the floor with me. Okay, got it. No question.
Okay, got it. He'd have to catch me, which hecouldn't, but if he did, I'm done. Okay. So

(31:28):
he's getting increasingly more agitated becausehe thinks he's gonna talk his way into it.
Now he's getting mad. He's like, I'm gettingback into there. into that show, whether you
like it or not. And there's only one way intothe show. It's not like he's looking for another
way around. You can see there's only one wayto get in. And now he's just getting angry.
And I don't remember exactly what he said, buthe starts to put the concessions down. Now

(31:50):
I know it's getting bad. That's what I'm talkingabout. So now he goes and he starts trying
to, and he can't figure it out, but he's startingto try to open up the bike rack, which is locked
it up and. Not locked it, but closed it. Andhe can't quite figure it out. And he's trying
to pull it apart. So maybe he's not the brightest300 pound Caucasian. He's not the brightest

(32:10):
crayon in the jar. Right. What? Right. But hedoesn't get it open? He's not able to do it?
No, well, he's working on it. And now he's like,he's yelling obscenities at me. He's like.
fuck you up on getting in there. At what pointdo you grab your walkie talkie? Oh no, I've
already got my walkie talkie. Had you alreadycalled them? Well, I didn't call them until

(32:34):
he started getting aggressive. He started grabbingthe bike rack to open it to get to me. Right.
And I'm on my walkie talkie, you're giving the10 code for- You know who you should have called
though. You're giving me the fuck out of thisproblem. But you know who you should have called?
Ghostbusters. Mike Hawk. Mike Hawk would havetaken care of the whole thing. Continue. So
I call security. And luckily, the security stationwas very close to Miami Vice. Yes, it was.

(33:03):
But it's not 20 seconds. And it looks like slowmotion from across the park. I see the two
security guys. So they come in, and they grabthis guy, and he winds up kicking over his
popcorn. And his car is gone. There was a physicalaltercation with him? Oh, they dragged him
away. Wow. Yeah, they dragged him away. Theypulled him away. He was like furious that he

(33:27):
wasn't going to see the Miami Vice fucking actionspectacular with his family. Listen, understandable.
When he could have sat there and just eatenall the goddamn snacks. Well, I'm sure he did
later. Did they bring him back or was he goingto throw him out? In the struggle, the snacks
got dumped. So the real victims here. The realvictims of this story is the concessions. Yeah,

(33:51):
the popcorn and the peanuts. You know who thereal victims are is those poor children of
that man. Oh no, they weren't. I'm sure theyhad a great show without their father. They
were just maybe hungry. Dad was kicked out ofthe park. Yeah, and he was in, and you go to
Universal Studios jail, I wonder what happensthere. Well, I'm sure it's nothing like Disney

(34:12):
jail where you're immediately sodomized by Goofy.
Thanks for listening to the Sons of San Fernando.Don't forget to hit that subscribe or follow
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(34:34):
the show. We'll catch you on the next episode.