June 28, 2017 • 26 mins
The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
You probably often hear people say that we need healthy boundaries, but do you know what that means? In today's episode we define boundaries, discuss why they are important, and discuss 10 ways that we can build and preserve better boundaries.
Resources
10 Ways to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries
Boundaries by Townsend & Cloud
If you're interested in working with Dr. Joy as a therapist, you can find out more about the services offered here:
1. If you're in Georgia and would like to schedule an individual therapy session therapyforblackgirls.com/schedule
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3. To schedule a Jump Start Session to map out your road to success for your 1st year of college therapyforblackgirls.com/startstrong
4. To schedule a Breakup Support Session therapyforblackgirls.com/breakups
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we
discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the
small decisions we can make to become the best possible
versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information
(00:24):
and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls
dot com. And while I hope you love listening to
and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to
be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental
health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me
(00:54):
for session fourteen of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Today.
In our no co pay needed segment, we're gonna be
talking all about boundaries. But before we get there, I
wanted to just address a couple of listener emails that
I got. So I got a couple of emails from
you all asking how you can work with me in
my practice, what kinds of groups I was offering? You know,
(01:15):
how could you have access to me? So that let
me know that I had not done a very good
job of letting you know how you could work with
me as your therapist if you're interested, So let me
run that down for you really quickly. So I do
have a couple of openings for individual clients on my caseload.
So if you are in the state of Georgia, either
in the Atlanta area or outside of Atlanta, UM, and
(01:37):
you'd like to schedule an individual session with me, then
we can do that either in my office or virtually UM.
We can work with a system that's kind of like
Skype but hippoc imply it UM And if you're interested
in that, you can go to the website at Therapy
for Black Girls dot com backslash schedule. You can see
what openings I have in the coming weeks. If you
are interested in joining one of my groups, the SHIFT
(02:00):
Sessions that I talked with you about a couple of
weeks ago, you can find more information about that and
sign up to get your name on that list by
going to Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash shift
as h I f T. If you are someone you
know will be starting college in the fall, UM so
college freshman, a young woman who's going to college and
(02:23):
you want to kind of get a game plan together,
a road map for how to make your first year successful,
then you can also sign up for what I call
a jump start session. You can find more information about
that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash Start Strong.
Or if you are struggling with a breakup and feel
like you need some additional support, UM, you've kind of
(02:44):
talked to friends and family and feel like you need
just a little bit more some kind of guidance about
how to move through the stages of getting over a breakup,
you can find information about that service at Therapy for
Black Girls dot com backslash Breakups. All of that information
is included in the show notes so that you know
exactly how to get in touch with me UM. And
(03:06):
if you are elsewhere looking for a therapist, then please
make sure should look at the directory that I've included
on the website. You can find that information at Therapy
for Black Girls dot com backslash directory. So, as I
mentioned today in our no co pay Needed segment, we
are going to be talking all about boundaries. And I
(03:26):
know you often hear UM, mental health professionals and just
people in general talking about the need for having healthy boundaries,
firm boundaries, all of those kinds of things. But I
think sometimes there may be some confusion about what a
boundary actually is and how you can actually set those up.
So today that's what we're going to be talking about.
So we want to think about boundaries as the rules
(03:49):
and guidelines that you set for how people deal with you.
So let's think about our boundaries as our front yours.
Now this may be a little more difficult for those
people who are citied olers, so maybe stretch your imagination
a little bit. But if we think about boundaries as
the property included in our front yard, what happens in
your front yard? So did you let other people park
(04:11):
their cars in your front yard? Do you like it
when other people that their dogs poop in your yard?
Do you keep the grass nicely manicured and watered? Do
you plant flowers in your front yard? Is there a
nice sitting area under a shady tree for you to
relax and read your favorite books in your yard? Boundaries
are important because they dictate what kind of experience we
(04:32):
have in our yard and what others perceive as allowable
in our yard. So if someone walks by and they
see that the lawn is nicely manicured and the flowers
are tending to, they're less likely to throw trash in
your yard or feel like they can park their car there.
But if they see a bunch of overgrown grass and
coat cane's thrown everywhere, then they'll think, oh, it's no
(04:54):
big deal. If I throw this Snickers wrapper in your yard,
she probably won't even notice. So if we take this
example and think about all the areas of our lives
where we have yrds that need to be tended to,
we can really see where there may need to be
some adjustments made. So, in terms of your personal boundaries,
do you make it clear that you're not really a
(05:15):
hugger and would prefer a handshake? So is that clear
from the outset with people? Even though other people maybe huggers,
If you're not, it's absolutely okay for you to say,
I'm okay, I prefer a handshake. Are when we're thinking
about teaching personal boundaries to children, um so not doing
things like forcing them like, oh, go give aunt Ruthie
a kiss, but instead letting the child dictate how they
(05:38):
would like to engage with Aunt Ruthie. In terms of
your emotional space, when you tell an X that it's
over and that you're done, are you still allowing them
to occupy space by responding to text and d M s.
Or do you have a friend who tends to be
manipulative and trying to get you to come out for
some reason or another, and instead of holding firm to
(05:59):
your oh, you actually just end up going out just
to keep the peace. So setting boundaries is important because
it helps us to maintain our thoughts about ourselves, either
negatively or positively. If we have firmer and healthier boundaries,
then we're likely to have relationships that feel reciprocal, and
we're likely to feel pretty confident and have both the
(06:21):
respect of ourselves and others. If, on the other hand,
our boundaries are more loose, it can eventually lead to
feelings of resentment and feeling taken advantage of. You might
likely feel like, um, there are a few people that
you can go to for your life and for support,
and your friendships likely do not feel reciprocal. A lack
of boundaries can also begin to make you lose trust
(06:44):
in your judgment and make you question yourself. So to
help with some of the boundaries setting um that I
think is important for us to maintain our mental health,
I did find an article to share with you all,
and the information for this will be included in the
show notes that they're be for Black Girls dot Com
slash Session four team. But the article is called ten
(07:06):
Ways to build and Preserve better Boundaries. So this was
written by Margarita Tartakovski and she had an actual conversation
with another psychologist and they talked about the ways to
build and preserve boundaries and there are ten of these.
So the first one was naming your limits. You can't
set good boundaries if you're unsure of where you're where
(07:27):
you stand, you need to identify physical, emotional, mental, and
spiritual limits. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and
what makes you feel uncomfortable and stressed. Those feelings help
you identify what your limits are. So name your limits
is the first one. The second one tune into your feelings.
(07:48):
The author has observed two key feelings and others that
are red flags or cues that we are letting go
of our boundaries, discomfort and resentment. She suggested thinking of
these feelings on a continuum from one to ten, six
to ten being in the higher zone. So if you're
at the higher end of this continuum during an interaction
(08:09):
or a situation, she suggested asking yourself what is causing that?
What is it about this interaction or this person's expectation
that is bothering you. Resentment usually comes from being taken
advantage of, are not appreciated. It's often a sign that
we're pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we
feel guilty, are because someone else is imposing their expectations,
(08:32):
views our values on us Number three be direct with
some people. Maintaining health healthy boundaries doesn't require a direct
and clear cut dialogue. Usually this is the case if
people are similar in their communication styles, they'll approach each
other similarly. With others, such as those who have a
different personality or cultural background, you'll need to be more
(08:55):
direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example. Why person
feels that challenging someone's opinions is a healthy way of communicating,
but to another person this may feel disrespectful intense. There
are other times you might need to be more direct.
For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a
boundary issue. Partners may need to talk about how much
(09:18):
time they need to maintain their sense of self and
how much time to spend together. The fourth way that
you can go about building and preserving better boundaries is
by giving yourself permission. Fear, guilt, and self doubt are
all big potential pitfalls. We might fear the other person's
response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might
(09:40):
feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a
family member. Many believe that they should be able to
cope with the situation or say yes because they are
a good daughter or son, even though they feel drained
or taken advantage of. We might wonder if we even
deserve to have boundaries in the first place. And as
I mentioned before, boundaries aren't just a sign of healthy relationships,
(10:02):
they're a sign of self respect. So give yourself the
permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them. Number
five practice self awareness. Boundaries are all about honing in
on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself
slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, the author suggests asking
(10:23):
yourself which changed. Consider what am I doing or what
is the other person doing? What is this situation eliciting
that's making me resentful or stressed? Then all over your options,
What am I going to do about the situation? What
do I have control over? The sixth way you can
(10:43):
go about building and preserving better boundaries is to consider
your past and present. How you were raised, along with
your role in your family can become additional obstacles in
setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caretaker,
you probably learned to focus on others, letting yourself be
drained emotionally or physically. The author suggests ignoring your own
(11:06):
needs might have become the norm for you. Also think
about the people you surround yourself with. Are the relationships reciprocal?
Is there a healthy give and take Beyond relationships, your
environment might be unhealthy too. For instance, if your work
day is eight hours a day, but your co workers
(11:27):
stay at least ten or eleven hours, there's an implicit
expectation to go above and beyond. It can be challenging
being the only one or one of few trying to
maintain healthy boundaries. This is where tuning into your feelings
and needs and honoring them becomes critical. And I do
think that we see a lot of this in our culture,
right this kind of um feeling like you need to
(11:49):
kind of go above and beyond the stated job expectations.
But if that is not something that feels okay with
you or if by doing that you are making your
job and your work of higher priority than other things,
say like family or time with friends, then you can
become resentful about your workplace and your job and maybe
(12:11):
begin to perform not as well. Um so you do
want to again look at your boundaries and see if
you need to keep those intact so that your relationship
with your job actually continues to be healthy. Number seven,
make self care a priority. The author helps our clients
make self care priority, which also involves giving yourself permission
(12:33):
to put yourself first. When we do this, our need
and motivation to set boundaries become stronger. Self care also
means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them.
These feelings serve as important cues about our well being
and what makes us happy and unhappy. Putting yourself first
(12:54):
also gives you the energy, peace of mind, and positive
outlook to be more present with others and to be
there for them. When we're in a better place, we
can be a better wife, mother, husband, coworker, or friend.
The number eight ways. The eighth way to build better
boundaries is to seek support. So if you're having a
(13:16):
hard time with boundaries, it definitely is okay to seek
help and support, whether that's from a support group, your church, counseling, coaching,
or through good friends. With friends and family, you can
even make it a priority with each other to practice
setting boundaries and to hold each other accountable. The ninth
way is to be assertive, so we know that it's
(13:39):
not enough to just create boundaries. We actually have to
follow through with them. Even though we know intellectually that
people aren't mind readers, we do sometimes still fall into
the idea that we should expect others to know what
we want and what hurts us. Since they don't, it's
important to assertively communicate with the other person when they've
crossed a bound dre So if you set a boundary
(14:01):
and said, Okay, I'm not going to go out on
Friday nights because that's my me time, then it's important
to let your friends know that that's not going to
happen and to be assertive about sticking up for your
boundary in that way. And the tenth suggestion about how
to build and preserve better boundaries is to start small. So,
like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice.
(14:26):
The author suggests starting with a small boundary that isn't
isn't threatening to you, and then increment incrementally increasing to
more challenging boundaries. Build upon your success, and at first
try not to take on something that feels overwhelming. Setting
boundaries takes courage, practice and support, but remember that it
is a skill you can master. So something like a
(14:49):
small boundary UM, And this is also I think a
really good exercise in assertive communication. UM is thinking about
sending your food back at a restaurant if it's not
the order. UM. So how many of you have the
experience of you know, your order coming out it is
not quite right, and instead of you know, ruffling any
feathers and wanting to kind of upset anything, you'll just
(15:11):
kind of take it as opposed to sending it back
for what you want. That may be a very small
task that you can take on. That is an example
of boundary setting and assertive communication that likely doesn't feel
very threatening. So something like that, or UM, something like
a blouse that you thought that you would really love,
so you bought it at the store and then you
get it home and you realize I actually don't really
(15:33):
love it. So some people UM, instead of being assertive
and wanting to kind of take it back and get
a refund, will just say, oh, well, it was my mistake.
I'll just keep it. So you may want to practice
something like making a return of an item that you
don't want anymore, um that on an unused item of course,
that you don't want anymore, and make that a practice
(15:54):
of a way of kind of being more assertive in
your communication and actually standing up for which you feel
like you needn't want. So related to this, we do
have an on the porch question this week that I
think fits nicely with our conversation about boundaries and assert
of communication. So this question is, Hi, Doctor Joy. I
(16:15):
listened to your episode about Mary Jane Paul and saw
a lot of similarities in myself. While I don't consider
myself as successful as mj p just yet, I do
find myself caring for everyone and not getting what I
need in return. My question is regarding friendships and the
last year, I've lost two of my best friends in
(16:36):
horrible blow ups. I'm twenty eight years old, and I
know that friendships often in There's a shift in my
life occurring, and I'm connecting with people who were closer
to my industry and losing friends who aren't on the
same path. But I don't really want to lose these
old friends. In one instance, I have a friend or
(16:57):
a former friend, who used to be a traveling partner
and the person who helped me to set goals. It
was weird to meet someone who was as blunt and
honest as myself, but I always felt like there was
an underlying shade with her. There was one time when
I was getting dressed and I smiled and checked myself
out in the mirror, and she told me I had
(17:17):
too much confidence. I asked her what that meant, and
she said, I just never met anyone as confident as you.
Last year, during a trip, I was out with her
and some friends, and her friends posted drunken photos of
me online without my knowledge. When I told her and
her friends about it, they were all very dismissive. Combined
(17:39):
with the shady comments she said over the years and
her dismissive attitude, I decided to let her go. In
another instance, with a former friend, we've been friends since
elementary school, would really have nothing in common. We also
had a falling out a few years ago and started
being friends a year later. Recently, she was in a
(18:01):
bad living situation and I let her move in with me.
She's not moved out and has ended up becoming my roommate.
This was the worst thing I could have done, because
it's tainted our friendship. We fell out over rent issues
on her part and her feeling like I'm not as
clean as I need to be. She's four months behind
on the rent, which I've paid, and she's not speaking
(18:23):
to me, which I feel like it is ridiculous. I
see a similar pattern in the type of friends I've
made and laws. I often find myself over compensating in
friendships with my time and money. I always find myself
helping them rather than then rather than them helping me,
and never have I missed their birthdays, But when it
(18:44):
comes to my birthday, I don't even get a gift.
The most annoying part is that my roommate slash former
friend and I no longer speak but lived together. It's
very uncomfortable to live with someone who used to be friends,
who you used to be friends with, and we're not king.
There's so much information about relationships when it comes to
black women, but hardly any when it comes to dealing
(19:06):
with friendships, especially toxic ones. Am I the problem was
losing these friendships good for me, So thank you so
much for writing this um letter. I do think that
this is probably a situation, at least in some parts,
that a lot of women can relate to. Um So one,
if you have not gotten the chance to listen to
(19:27):
six Sessions six of the podcast, that episode was all
about friendships and toxic relationships, how to identify if you
were in a toxic friendship and how to let that
relationship go if so, um And, I do think that
you're right, um So, sometimes friendships do have to end,
um And I'll often think that that typically needs to
(19:48):
involve a conversation, unless there's like some significant abuse or
something going on in this situation. But I do think
that it's important to learn how to say goodbye to
relationships that no longer service UM in a way that
feels respectful for everybody, if that can happen. But I
also think that we oftentimes find ourselves in relationships that
(20:10):
really shouldn't have started, or have not or should not
have gone on as long as they did. So a
couple of things that kind of stood out, UM as
I was reading your letter, um is that it does
feel like this is a lot about kind of boundary
setting and assert of communication. Um so, especially with the
(20:31):
person who is currently living with you. UM So, I
wonder what the conversation was around the rules and guidelines
for her moving in? Um So? Was there a date
that she was supposed to be out? Was this a
temporary kind of thing? Was there an agreement made about
how much rent she should be paying? Um when you
(20:52):
agree to let her move in, what did she understand
about the circumstances about what she could move in? I'm
also one during if you've asked for your money back?
So you said she's kind of behind on month on
rent for a couple of months that you've paid. I
wonder if you've asked for your money back or what
or her what is the understanding that she has about
whether she owes you that money or not? And I
(21:16):
also wonder what your thoughts are about continuing to live
in a situation that feels so tense. Um you know? So?
I mean, so when you've already kind of worked hard
all day, typically you want to come home to some
peace and feel like your home is a sanctuary. And
it definitely doesn't sound like that's happening right now, and
so I wonder if you feel like you can have
(21:36):
a conversation about her moving out, especially since at least
from the letter, it doesn't really seem like they were
clear guidelines. So you describe her as a roommate, UM,
but I wonder if that that ever became a formal
kind of thing, especially since she's behind so many months
on the rent um. You also mentioned that you often
(21:57):
find yourself over compensating in your friend ships with time
and money, and I would wonder what you feel like
you're over compensating for. I wonder what messages about yourself
you're holding on to that result in you showing up
in your friendships that way. UM. You know, so, I
think it's easy to kind of look at, Okay, this
person has not been a good friend to me because
(22:19):
of X, Y and Z. But I think if you
continue to see this kind of pattern in your friendships,
you do need to look inward to say, Okay, what's
going on with me that I continue to find myself
in these kinds of friendships? What are you over compensating for?
Do you feel like there is something about UM not
feeling good enough to be in reciprocal relationships or do
(22:41):
you feel like that's all you really have to offer
is your time and money in a friendship. Do you
feel like, um, friends would not be attracted to you
just because of who you are, just as you are
in the world without anything external to offer them. So
I'd encourage you to do some internal work around, UM,
why you continue to find yourself in these same kinds
(23:04):
of friendships. And I do think that it is a
greater lesson, you know, for probably lots of people who
are listening about what kinds of what kinds of ways
we can set boundaries and be assertive in our communication. UM.
So with your first friend, it does sound like the
person who you feel like was kind of being shady
to you throughout the relationship. It does sound like you
(23:25):
kind of put her into um, you know, like you
set a boundary when she made the comment about you
feeling too confident UM. But then it sounds like you
probably have let a lot slide UM and kind of
if you've been feeling like there's an underlying shade for
much of the relationship, then I would wonder why it
had to go as far as UM them sharing, you know,
(23:47):
drunken photos of you for you to really feel like, Okay,
enough is enough, so again really doing some inner work
to find out what kinds of things keep me um
continuing in relations and shifts that I do not feel
are reciprocal. So I do hope that that has given
you some starting points to kind of think more about,
(24:08):
and again hope that any listeners who need similar feedback
will be able to kind of take something from that
message as well. If there is a question that you
have or a situation that you'd like some feedback about,
I would be happy to answer that for you. You
can send it to podcast at Therapy for Black Girls
dot com, or if you have any other general questions
(24:29):
or topics that you feel like you'd like to hear
on the podcast, please send those two podcasts at Therapy
for Black Girls dot com as well. I'd love to
hear your feedback about this episode as well as any
of the others. I'd love to hear what your favorites
have been so far. To make sure to contact me
on social media and use the hashtag tv G in session.
(24:50):
You can find me on Twitter at Therapy for the Number.
Four be Girls are on Instagram and Facebook at therapy
for Black Girls, and just make sure to tell your
friends about the podcast. I think that a lot of
women could benefit from the information that I've been sharing,
so please make sure that you're sharing it with your circles.
I'm definitely looking forward to continue in this conversation with
(25:12):
you all real soon. Make sure that if you're looking
for a therapist in the Georgia area, you look at
my web page at Therapy for Black Girls dot com schedule,
and if you're looking for a therapist elsewhere, make sure
to look at the directory Therapy for Black Girls dot
com backslash directory. I'm definitely looking forward to continuing this
conversation with you all real soon. Take care The pir
(26:01):
Oforichacter
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we
discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the
small decisions we can make to become the best possible
versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information
(00:24):
and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls
dot com. And while I hope you love listening to
and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to
be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental
health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me
(00:54):
for session fourteen of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Today.
In our no co pay needed segment, we're gonna be
talking all about boundaries. But before we get there, I
wanted to just address a couple of listener emails that
I got. So I got a couple of emails from
you all asking how you can work with me in
my practice, what kinds of groups I was offering? You know,
(01:15):
how could you have access to me? So that let
me know that I had not done a very good
job of letting you know how you could work with
me as your therapist if you're interested, So let me
run that down for you really quickly. So I do
have a couple of openings for individual clients on my caseload.
So if you are in the state of Georgia, either
in the Atlanta area or outside of Atlanta, UM, and
(01:37):
you'd like to schedule an individual session with me, then
we can do that either in my office or virtually UM.
We can work with a system that's kind of like
Skype but hippoc imply it UM And if you're interested
in that, you can go to the website at Therapy
for Black Girls dot com backslash schedule. You can see
what openings I have in the coming weeks. If you
are interested in joining one of my groups, the SHIFT
(02:00):
Sessions that I talked with you about a couple of
weeks ago, you can find more information about that and
sign up to get your name on that list by
going to Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash shift
as h I f T. If you are someone you
know will be starting college in the fall, UM so
college freshman, a young woman who's going to college and
(02:23):
you want to kind of get a game plan together,
a road map for how to make your first year successful,
then you can also sign up for what I call
a jump start session. You can find more information about
that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash Start Strong.
Or if you are struggling with a breakup and feel
like you need some additional support, UM, you've kind of
(02:44):
talked to friends and family and feel like you need
just a little bit more some kind of guidance about
how to move through the stages of getting over a breakup,
you can find information about that service at Therapy for
Black Girls dot com backslash Breakups. All of that information
is included in the show notes so that you know
exactly how to get in touch with me UM. And
(03:06):
if you are elsewhere looking for a therapist, then please
make sure should look at the directory that I've included
on the website. You can find that information at Therapy
for Black Girls dot com backslash directory. So, as I
mentioned today in our no co pay Needed segment, we
are going to be talking all about boundaries. And I
(03:26):
know you often hear UM, mental health professionals and just
people in general talking about the need for having healthy boundaries,
firm boundaries, all of those kinds of things. But I
think sometimes there may be some confusion about what a
boundary actually is and how you can actually set those up.
So today that's what we're going to be talking about.
So we want to think about boundaries as the rules
(03:49):
and guidelines that you set for how people deal with you.
So let's think about our boundaries as our front yours.
Now this may be a little more difficult for those
people who are citied olers, so maybe stretch your imagination
a little bit. But if we think about boundaries as
the property included in our front yard, what happens in
your front yard? So did you let other people park
(04:11):
their cars in your front yard? Do you like it
when other people that their dogs poop in your yard?
Do you keep the grass nicely manicured and watered? Do
you plant flowers in your front yard? Is there a
nice sitting area under a shady tree for you to
relax and read your favorite books in your yard? Boundaries
are important because they dictate what kind of experience we
(04:32):
have in our yard and what others perceive as allowable
in our yard. So if someone walks by and they
see that the lawn is nicely manicured and the flowers
are tending to, they're less likely to throw trash in
your yard or feel like they can park their car there.
But if they see a bunch of overgrown grass and
coat cane's thrown everywhere, then they'll think, oh, it's no
(04:54):
big deal. If I throw this Snickers wrapper in your yard,
she probably won't even notice. So if we take this
example and think about all the areas of our lives
where we have yrds that need to be tended to,
we can really see where there may need to be
some adjustments made. So, in terms of your personal boundaries,
do you make it clear that you're not really a
(05:15):
hugger and would prefer a handshake? So is that clear
from the outset with people? Even though other people maybe huggers,
If you're not, it's absolutely okay for you to say,
I'm okay, I prefer a handshake. Are when we're thinking
about teaching personal boundaries to children, um so not doing
things like forcing them like, oh, go give aunt Ruthie
a kiss, but instead letting the child dictate how they
(05:38):
would like to engage with Aunt Ruthie. In terms of
your emotional space, when you tell an X that it's
over and that you're done, are you still allowing them
to occupy space by responding to text and d M s.
Or do you have a friend who tends to be
manipulative and trying to get you to come out for
some reason or another, and instead of holding firm to
(05:59):
your oh, you actually just end up going out just
to keep the peace. So setting boundaries is important because
it helps us to maintain our thoughts about ourselves, either
negatively or positively. If we have firmer and healthier boundaries,
then we're likely to have relationships that feel reciprocal, and
we're likely to feel pretty confident and have both the
(06:21):
respect of ourselves and others. If, on the other hand,
our boundaries are more loose, it can eventually lead to
feelings of resentment and feeling taken advantage of. You might
likely feel like, um, there are a few people that
you can go to for your life and for support,
and your friendships likely do not feel reciprocal. A lack
of boundaries can also begin to make you lose trust
(06:44):
in your judgment and make you question yourself. So to
help with some of the boundaries setting um that I
think is important for us to maintain our mental health,
I did find an article to share with you all,
and the information for this will be included in the
show notes that they're be for Black Girls dot Com
slash Session four team. But the article is called ten
(07:06):
Ways to build and Preserve better Boundaries. So this was
written by Margarita Tartakovski and she had an actual conversation
with another psychologist and they talked about the ways to
build and preserve boundaries and there are ten of these.
So the first one was naming your limits. You can't
set good boundaries if you're unsure of where you're where
(07:27):
you stand, you need to identify physical, emotional, mental, and
spiritual limits. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and
what makes you feel uncomfortable and stressed. Those feelings help
you identify what your limits are. So name your limits
is the first one. The second one tune into your feelings.
(07:48):
The author has observed two key feelings and others that
are red flags or cues that we are letting go
of our boundaries, discomfort and resentment. She suggested thinking of
these feelings on a continuum from one to ten, six
to ten being in the higher zone. So if you're
at the higher end of this continuum during an interaction
(08:09):
or a situation, she suggested asking yourself what is causing that?
What is it about this interaction or this person's expectation
that is bothering you. Resentment usually comes from being taken
advantage of, are not appreciated. It's often a sign that
we're pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we
feel guilty, are because someone else is imposing their expectations,
(08:32):
views our values on us Number three be direct with
some people. Maintaining health healthy boundaries doesn't require a direct
and clear cut dialogue. Usually this is the case if
people are similar in their communication styles, they'll approach each
other similarly. With others, such as those who have a
different personality or cultural background, you'll need to be more
(08:55):
direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example. Why person
feels that challenging someone's opinions is a healthy way of communicating,
but to another person this may feel disrespectful intense. There
are other times you might need to be more direct.
For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a
boundary issue. Partners may need to talk about how much
(09:18):
time they need to maintain their sense of self and
how much time to spend together. The fourth way that
you can go about building and preserving better boundaries is
by giving yourself permission. Fear, guilt, and self doubt are
all big potential pitfalls. We might fear the other person's
response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might
(09:40):
feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a
family member. Many believe that they should be able to
cope with the situation or say yes because they are
a good daughter or son, even though they feel drained
or taken advantage of. We might wonder if we even
deserve to have boundaries in the first place. And as
I mentioned before, boundaries aren't just a sign of healthy relationships,
(10:02):
they're a sign of self respect. So give yourself the
permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them. Number
five practice self awareness. Boundaries are all about honing in
on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself
slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, the author suggests asking
(10:23):
yourself which changed. Consider what am I doing or what
is the other person doing? What is this situation eliciting
that's making me resentful or stressed? Then all over your options,
What am I going to do about the situation? What
do I have control over? The sixth way you can
(10:43):
go about building and preserving better boundaries is to consider
your past and present. How you were raised, along with
your role in your family can become additional obstacles in
setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caretaker,
you probably learned to focus on others, letting yourself be
drained emotionally or physically. The author suggests ignoring your own
(11:06):
needs might have become the norm for you. Also think
about the people you surround yourself with. Are the relationships reciprocal?
Is there a healthy give and take Beyond relationships, your
environment might be unhealthy too. For instance, if your work
day is eight hours a day, but your co workers
(11:27):
stay at least ten or eleven hours, there's an implicit
expectation to go above and beyond. It can be challenging
being the only one or one of few trying to
maintain healthy boundaries. This is where tuning into your feelings
and needs and honoring them becomes critical. And I do
think that we see a lot of this in our culture,
right this kind of um feeling like you need to
(11:49):
kind of go above and beyond the stated job expectations.
But if that is not something that feels okay with
you or if by doing that you are making your
job and your work of higher priority than other things,
say like family or time with friends, then you can
become resentful about your workplace and your job and maybe
(12:11):
begin to perform not as well. Um so you do
want to again look at your boundaries and see if
you need to keep those intact so that your relationship
with your job actually continues to be healthy. Number seven,
make self care a priority. The author helps our clients
make self care priority, which also involves giving yourself permission
(12:33):
to put yourself first. When we do this, our need
and motivation to set boundaries become stronger. Self care also
means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them.
These feelings serve as important cues about our well being
and what makes us happy and unhappy. Putting yourself first
(12:54):
also gives you the energy, peace of mind, and positive
outlook to be more present with others and to be
there for them. When we're in a better place, we
can be a better wife, mother, husband, coworker, or friend.
The number eight ways. The eighth way to build better
boundaries is to seek support. So if you're having a
(13:16):
hard time with boundaries, it definitely is okay to seek
help and support, whether that's from a support group, your church, counseling, coaching,
or through good friends. With friends and family, you can
even make it a priority with each other to practice
setting boundaries and to hold each other accountable. The ninth
way is to be assertive, so we know that it's
(13:39):
not enough to just create boundaries. We actually have to
follow through with them. Even though we know intellectually that
people aren't mind readers, we do sometimes still fall into
the idea that we should expect others to know what
we want and what hurts us. Since they don't, it's
important to assertively communicate with the other person when they've
crossed a bound dre So if you set a boundary
(14:01):
and said, Okay, I'm not going to go out on
Friday nights because that's my me time, then it's important
to let your friends know that that's not going to
happen and to be assertive about sticking up for your
boundary in that way. And the tenth suggestion about how
to build and preserve better boundaries is to start small. So,
like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice.
(14:26):
The author suggests starting with a small boundary that isn't
isn't threatening to you, and then increment incrementally increasing to
more challenging boundaries. Build upon your success, and at first
try not to take on something that feels overwhelming. Setting
boundaries takes courage, practice and support, but remember that it
is a skill you can master. So something like a
(14:49):
small boundary UM, And this is also I think a
really good exercise in assertive communication. UM is thinking about
sending your food back at a restaurant if it's not
the order. UM. So how many of you have the
experience of you know, your order coming out it is
not quite right, and instead of you know, ruffling any
feathers and wanting to kind of upset anything, you'll just
(15:11):
kind of take it as opposed to sending it back
for what you want. That may be a very small
task that you can take on. That is an example
of boundary setting and assertive communication that likely doesn't feel
very threatening. So something like that, or UM, something like
a blouse that you thought that you would really love,
so you bought it at the store and then you
get it home and you realize I actually don't really
(15:33):
love it. So some people UM, instead of being assertive
and wanting to kind of take it back and get
a refund, will just say, oh, well, it was my mistake.
I'll just keep it. So you may want to practice
something like making a return of an item that you
don't want anymore, um that on an unused item of course,
that you don't want anymore, and make that a practice
(15:54):
of a way of kind of being more assertive in
your communication and actually standing up for which you feel
like you needn't want. So related to this, we do
have an on the porch question this week that I
think fits nicely with our conversation about boundaries and assert
of communication. So this question is, Hi, Doctor Joy. I
(16:15):
listened to your episode about Mary Jane Paul and saw
a lot of similarities in myself. While I don't consider
myself as successful as mj p just yet, I do
find myself caring for everyone and not getting what I
need in return. My question is regarding friendships and the
last year, I've lost two of my best friends in
(16:36):
horrible blow ups. I'm twenty eight years old, and I
know that friendships often in There's a shift in my
life occurring, and I'm connecting with people who were closer
to my industry and losing friends who aren't on the
same path. But I don't really want to lose these
old friends. In one instance, I have a friend or
(16:57):
a former friend, who used to be a traveling partner
and the person who helped me to set goals. It
was weird to meet someone who was as blunt and
honest as myself, but I always felt like there was
an underlying shade with her. There was one time when
I was getting dressed and I smiled and checked myself
out in the mirror, and she told me I had
(17:17):
too much confidence. I asked her what that meant, and
she said, I just never met anyone as confident as you.
Last year, during a trip, I was out with her
and some friends, and her friends posted drunken photos of
me online without my knowledge. When I told her and
her friends about it, they were all very dismissive. Combined
(17:39):
with the shady comments she said over the years and
her dismissive attitude, I decided to let her go. In
another instance, with a former friend, we've been friends since
elementary school, would really have nothing in common. We also
had a falling out a few years ago and started
being friends a year later. Recently, she was in a
(18:01):
bad living situation and I let her move in with me.
She's not moved out and has ended up becoming my roommate.
This was the worst thing I could have done, because
it's tainted our friendship. We fell out over rent issues
on her part and her feeling like I'm not as
clean as I need to be. She's four months behind
on the rent, which I've paid, and she's not speaking
(18:23):
to me, which I feel like it is ridiculous. I
see a similar pattern in the type of friends I've
made and laws. I often find myself over compensating in
friendships with my time and money. I always find myself
helping them rather than then rather than them helping me,
and never have I missed their birthdays, But when it
(18:44):
comes to my birthday, I don't even get a gift.
The most annoying part is that my roommate slash former
friend and I no longer speak but lived together. It's
very uncomfortable to live with someone who used to be friends,
who you used to be friends with, and we're not king.
There's so much information about relationships when it comes to
black women, but hardly any when it comes to dealing
(19:06):
with friendships, especially toxic ones. Am I the problem was
losing these friendships good for me, So thank you so
much for writing this um letter. I do think that
this is probably a situation, at least in some parts,
that a lot of women can relate to. Um So one,
if you have not gotten the chance to listen to
(19:27):
six Sessions six of the podcast, that episode was all
about friendships and toxic relationships, how to identify if you
were in a toxic friendship and how to let that
relationship go if so, um And, I do think that
you're right, um So, sometimes friendships do have to end,
um And I'll often think that that typically needs to
(19:48):
involve a conversation, unless there's like some significant abuse or
something going on in this situation. But I do think
that it's important to learn how to say goodbye to
relationships that no longer service UM in a way that
feels respectful for everybody, if that can happen. But I
also think that we oftentimes find ourselves in relationships that
(20:10):
really shouldn't have started, or have not or should not
have gone on as long as they did. So a
couple of things that kind of stood out, UM as
I was reading your letter, um is that it does
feel like this is a lot about kind of boundary
setting and assert of communication. Um so, especially with the
(20:31):
person who is currently living with you. UM So, I
wonder what the conversation was around the rules and guidelines
for her moving in? Um So? Was there a date
that she was supposed to be out? Was this a
temporary kind of thing? Was there an agreement made about
how much rent she should be paying? Um when you
(20:52):
agree to let her move in, what did she understand
about the circumstances about what she could move in? I'm
also one during if you've asked for your money back?
So you said she's kind of behind on month on
rent for a couple of months that you've paid. I
wonder if you've asked for your money back or what
or her what is the understanding that she has about
whether she owes you that money or not? And I
(21:16):
also wonder what your thoughts are about continuing to live
in a situation that feels so tense. Um you know? So?
I mean, so when you've already kind of worked hard
all day, typically you want to come home to some
peace and feel like your home is a sanctuary. And
it definitely doesn't sound like that's happening right now, and
so I wonder if you feel like you can have
(21:36):
a conversation about her moving out, especially since at least
from the letter, it doesn't really seem like they were
clear guidelines. So you describe her as a roommate, UM,
but I wonder if that that ever became a formal
kind of thing, especially since she's behind so many months
on the rent um. You also mentioned that you often
(21:57):
find yourself over compensating in your friend ships with time
and money, and I would wonder what you feel like
you're over compensating for. I wonder what messages about yourself
you're holding on to that result in you showing up
in your friendships that way. UM. You know, so, I
think it's easy to kind of look at, Okay, this
person has not been a good friend to me because
(22:19):
of X, Y and Z. But I think if you
continue to see this kind of pattern in your friendships,
you do need to look inward to say, Okay, what's
going on with me that I continue to find myself
in these kinds of friendships? What are you over compensating for?
Do you feel like there is something about UM not
feeling good enough to be in reciprocal relationships or do
(22:41):
you feel like that's all you really have to offer
is your time and money in a friendship. Do you
feel like, um, friends would not be attracted to you
just because of who you are, just as you are
in the world without anything external to offer them. So
I'd encourage you to do some internal work around, UM,
why you continue to find yourself in these same kinds
(23:04):
of friendships. And I do think that it is a
greater lesson, you know, for probably lots of people who
are listening about what kinds of what kinds of ways
we can set boundaries and be assertive in our communication. UM.
So with your first friend, it does sound like the
person who you feel like was kind of being shady
to you throughout the relationship. It does sound like you
(23:25):
kind of put her into um, you know, like you
set a boundary when she made the comment about you
feeling too confident UM. But then it sounds like you
probably have let a lot slide UM and kind of
if you've been feeling like there's an underlying shade for
much of the relationship, then I would wonder why it
had to go as far as UM them sharing, you know,
(23:47):
drunken photos of you for you to really feel like, Okay,
enough is enough, so again really doing some inner work
to find out what kinds of things keep me um
continuing in relations and shifts that I do not feel
are reciprocal. So I do hope that that has given
you some starting points to kind of think more about,
(24:08):
and again hope that any listeners who need similar feedback
will be able to kind of take something from that
message as well. If there is a question that you
have or a situation that you'd like some feedback about,
I would be happy to answer that for you. You
can send it to podcast at Therapy for Black Girls
dot com, or if you have any other general questions
(24:29):
or topics that you feel like you'd like to hear
on the podcast, please send those two podcasts at Therapy
for Black Girls dot com as well. I'd love to
hear your feedback about this episode as well as any
of the others. I'd love to hear what your favorites
have been so far. To make sure to contact me
on social media and use the hashtag tv G in session.
(24:50):
You can find me on Twitter at Therapy for the Number.
Four be Girls are on Instagram and Facebook at therapy
for Black Girls, and just make sure to tell your
friends about the podcast. I think that a lot of
women could benefit from the information that I've been sharing,
so please make sure that you're sharing it with your circles.
I'm definitely looking forward to continue in this conversation with
(25:12):
you all real soon. Make sure that if you're looking
for a therapist in the Georgia area, you look at
my web page at Therapy for Black Girls dot com schedule,
and if you're looking for a therapist elsewhere, make sure
to look at the directory Therapy for Black Girls dot
com backslash directory. I'm definitely looking forward to continuing this
conversation with you all real soon. Take care The pir
(26:01):
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