September 22, 2021 • 42 mins
The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
Lots of things have changed during the pandemic, our sex and dating lives included. Back with us this week to chat about some of these changes is Sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW. Shamyra and I chatted about how our sex lives have changed during the pandemic, ways to sustain or improve intimacy as our schedules change, tips for transitioning from online dating to in real life, and tips for increasing sexual confidence.
Shamyra will also be joining us, along with Dr. Lexx Brown- James this Friday, Sept. 24 at 7pm Eastern for our Sex Positive September celebration to chat all about getting the pleasure you desire, so if you’d like to join us for a little girls' night in, grab your ticket at sexpositiveseptember.com
Resources
Visit our Amazon Store for all the books mentioned on the podcast!
Where to Find Shamyra
https://www.onthegreencouch.com/
Grab a deck of Use Your Mouth Cards
Check out Shamyra chatting about Sexual Freedom on Session 80 of the podcast.
Twitter: @SexologistShamy
Instagram: @SexologistShamyra
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kay, Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a
weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the
small decisions we can make to become the best possible
(00:22):
versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope
you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it
(00:43):
is not meant to be a substitute for relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
for joining me for session of the Therapy for of
Black Girl's podcast. We'll get right into the episode after
(01:03):
a word from our sponsors. Lots of things have changed
during the pandemic, and our sex and dating lives are
no different. To chat with us about some of the
changes she's seen, it is Sexologists Shamira Howard. Shamira is
(01:26):
a licensed clinical social worker with a private practice serving
Beaton Rouge, Louisiana and surrounding areas. She specializes in sexuality
and relationships and works with a variety of clients, including
those battling depression, anxiety, pregnancy, parenting, peer relationships, and those
in the lgbt Q plus community. She's also the best
(01:46):
selling author and creatress of the Use your Mouth Sex
and Relationship conversation starter cards and the book Use your
Mouth Pocket Size Conversations to Simply Increase seven types of
intimacy in and out of the bedroom. Shamarra and I
chatted about how our sex lives have changed during the pandemic,
ways to sustain or improve intimacy as our schedules change,
(02:08):
tips for transitioning from online dating to in real life,
and tips for increasing sexual confidence. Shamira will also be
joining us along with Dr Lex Brown James this Friday
night at seven pm Eastern for our sex Positive September
celebration to chat all about getting the pleasure you desire.
So if you'd like to join us for a little
girl's night in, grab your ticket at sex Positive September
(02:31):
dot com. Here's our conversation social Maira. I would love
for you to just start by telling us how you
have seen like our sex lives and dating lives be
impacted throughout the pandemic. I'm sure that's a huge question,
but what are some of the high level things that
you've seen changed during this time, So that is a
(02:53):
huge question. But there's also and not so huge respond
to that, And it might be huge because for us
professional who are in the office seeing clients, we were
like calling each other emailing and we went into this
thinking that, and a lot of articles were even saying
people's relationships and sex lines we're gonna tank with this pandemic.
(03:14):
And this was early lockdown. We were seeing articles that
divorce inquiries had risen up to fift in the second
month of the lockdown. So we were like, Okay, we're
bracing ourselves for our clients, but I'll tell you two things. One,
people didn't know what to do, so we're talking about
early COVID during the first lockdowns. It's interesting that we
(03:36):
referred to it as early COVID. Right, people had what
we call COVID anxiety, so they didn't know basically how
to feel about this. A lot of people were scared,
a lot of people were experienced and death anxiety, and
so as a result, we did see a fluctuation with
their sexual relationships, not that much. Some people wanted more
sex and people wanted less sex, and some people sex
(03:58):
didn't change. So that was very interesting for us. And
then about a year later, the Kinzie Institute and Dr
Justin le Miller did this pandemic research study about people's
sexual behaviors during the pandemic, and it was amazing because
it found that people didn't decrease or increase their sexual
(04:21):
behavior and activity with their partners. But what happened was
they started experiencing more sexual diversity. Yes, and basically they
started incorporating toys into their sex. They started people started
watching porn for more eroticism. Now for education, because we
(04:41):
don't do that for education, but people's sexual diversity increased,
so they started becoming way more sexually explorative. And we
didn't expect that at all, but we were so happy
about it because all of the stuff that we teach
in sessions, people's started doing that stuff, Like they started
talking about sex more. People became way more sexually diverse.
(05:06):
They didn't just focus on the same genital to genital contact.
It's probably because we were so locked down. It was like, Okay,
we gotta add a little spice to this. M Yeah,
so you know that it's interesting. I'm glad you shared
like your thoughts about like why that might have happened,
and you're right. I remember, like very early on, you know,
we were getting reports from like how the divorce rates
(05:26):
had increased in China, and so people were speculating like, Okay,
we're going to see the same thing here in the
US as a pandemic progressive. But it sounds like it
actually was not the case that we have not seen
and especially it has not impacted people's sex lives. It
hasn't impacted people's sexual lives. There were still reports of
people all wanting to separate, and there were still relationship injuries.
(05:49):
Pandemic are not people were going to experience relationship injuries.
It's the nature of relationships, is what we know about relationships.
What the pandemic did was it barked couples closer together
and they had ever been before. A lot of people
don't see each other until they come home from work.
It's down for dinner, it's down to the show where
bab They might have sex, they might not. So what
(06:10):
we saw was this extra time that couples were forced
to be with each other. It brought out a lot,
brought out a lot and rout out some insecurities, brought
out some comfort, some discomforts and brought out space to explore.
I saw that in my office. Mm hmmm. So you
mentioned this other study that you also found had interesting results.
(06:30):
Can you say more about the other study. Oh? Absolutely,
it's another KINDSI Institute study. And this one was in
partnership with the company, the sexual wellness company love Honey,
and so this was the Summer of Love survey. And
so this summer they conducted this Summer a Love of
Love survey And this one was a bit less shocking
(06:51):
for me, but it was still interesting and that they
found that over fifty percent of people overall, it shows
that the pandemic wonders for their relationship in their sex life.
We went into this not thinking that people who are
going through fair very well. They started doing this research,
over of people said that they are more invested in
(07:14):
their relationship, they feel more committed to each other, They're
more satisfied with their partner. They say that their partner
meets their sexual needs now more than before. And that
just blew me away. It was so interesting. In fifty
one percent of people feel more passionate. So out of
all of these results, over fifty of people say that
(07:38):
their relationships and their sexual relationships improved and are better
than before. How interesting is that? That is really interesting
to Mary? And I wonder if you can help us
make sense of like why that may have been the case,
because there has also been like so much anxiety, so
much stress, so much exhaustion, you know, relationship both the
pandemic but also politics and racial injuices, like there have
(08:01):
been so many other things going on. But it sounds like,
I mean, now we know sex is a coping tool, right,
you know, so it could be people throw themselves into
things that make him feel good. But are there other
things that you think have happened that allowed people's sex
lives to kind of flourish in spite of all these
other stressors. Absolutely, and I'm glad you asked that question
(08:21):
because that's what most people want to know, like, well,
what did they do? Because that's not the case for
me over here. But what the read, what the study
showed is that again the pandemic forced people to communicate more.
And so that's basically what the results were is that
it provided more opportunities for couples too, as I say,
(08:42):
use your mouth, It provided more opportunities for couples to
talk and have the sexual communication, and like you mentioned
about politics, they were able to have these discussions. Again,
what we didn't see pre pandemic is couples just haven't
conversations about sex and about their relationship on a regular basis. Usually,
(09:04):
couple start talking about their relationship and sex when things
are going bad for them, when there's an issue. During
this time, couples started talking about their relationships and they
started talking about sex just because it was Tuesday at
three two pm. And what we know about sexual communication
(09:26):
is the more you talk about sex, the better your
sexual relationship improves, and a better your overall relationship improves
in and out of the bedroom because you're not just
bringing grievances to your partner, you're actually talking about your desires,
your wants, your likes. That research support my usual mouth
card sales because people started buying the cards more and
(09:48):
they were like, oh my god, I didn't notice about myself.
I asked my partner this question, and they asked me
this question, and we found out so much more and
people are having way better and more satisfying relationships as
a result of using their mouths. Mm hmmm. So you
already mentioned you know some people might be listening and saying, well,
that was not the case for my relationship, right, like,
(10:10):
I feel like we actually fell apart during the pandemic.
What kinds of suggestions do you have for people who
you know, maybe feel like, Okay, I've actually not had
a good experience or my sex life has not the
great during the pandemic. What kinds of things would you
say to them? A lot of people's experiences are that
while we know that over fifty of people, but not
more than fifty nine of people say that their relationships improved,
(10:35):
they're still a large percentage of people who might not
feel like that. And so one thing that I've noticed
that's happened for people who report, you know, my sexual
relationship has tanked, our overall relationship has tanked. I have
no desire, I don't feel sexually aroused, I don't feel
close to my partner. I have noticed that these are
(10:56):
the couples and the relationships who have not taken out
the time to redefine what their relationship looks like in
our current climate. So there's a lot of information about
pivoting and what that looks like before, a lot of
people they don't understand what that means for their own
relationship because they haven't taken the time out to assess
(11:16):
where their relationship was pre pandemic. They only know what's
happening right now. So for those of you who are
experiencing burnout in your relationships and you don't feel very
connected and very close, it's time to redefine what that
means for you individually, but also what that means for
your partner as well. So you're gonna have to use
(11:38):
your mouth, you and your partner and talk about what
type of relationship we want. One of the main things
that couples need to do is to have goals for
their relationship because we know that the goal of any
relationship is growth, right, it doesn't matter what type of
relationship you have. It's collective, individual and collective growth for
the relationship. And if something isn't growing, it's probably not dying.
(12:01):
So you have to figure out how can we grow
this relationship. What is our share goals and what are
our individual goals? And you have to get really laser
focused on making a commitment to redefining and growing your relationship.
And sometimes most times you can't do that by yourself.
People are way too close to their situations to be
(12:23):
able to redefine them on their own. So you have
to go sit on somebody's couch. Come on over to
the green couch, but you have to go sit on
somebody's couch to help you figure out your relationships goal
and to redefine it. Mm hmm. You know something else
that I was thinking as you were talking. For people
who have enjoyed like this newfound intimacy or you know,
(12:44):
newfound closeness that you talked about, I would imagine that
some people are feeling a little anxious as people are
maybe starting to go back to their offices and like,
you know, the pandemic even though it's not over, Like
schedules are changing now, right, So how can people kind
of maintain that closeness that maybe they developed during the
pandemic even while we are required to, you know, attend
(13:05):
to more things. That is a great point. And also
kids are going back to school, right, So kids are
going back to school, a lot of people are transitioning
back to working outside of the house, and things are
going to change. And so you're like, oh man, we
worked so hard and we did so well during this pandemic,
and we got so close and we feel so connected.
(13:25):
Now we're about to go back to what it looked
like pre pandemic. But technically you aren't going to go
back to that because it's still going to be different.
But what you're gonna have to do, like I said,
for people who weren't having great experiences, in order to
maintain that connection, you're going to have to center your
expectations or recenter your expectations. So, you know what, what
(13:47):
do we know about the situation. We know that things
are about to change, and when things change, we have
to change with them. So it's how am I going
to change how I show up in the relationship to
continue to meet the need of the relationships sexually, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually,
and however else you show up in your relationship. Figure
(14:07):
out how you can meet those needs. But know that
things are different and you don't have that same time.
You and your partner are going to have to talk
about Okay, we're going back to work, and you tell them, listen,
I'm having some anxiety about us leaving or working outside
of the house again and not seeing each other. I
really appreciate how much we've grown our relationship throughout the pandemic,
(14:31):
and I'm worried that we're gonna lose some of that.
What are your suggestions and also come to that conversation
with your own suggestions on how you could do that.
That might mean that schedule a lunch date once a
week at least, can we still incorporate at least once
a week working from home if that's an option, But
finding more ways for you to stay connected throughout the
(14:54):
day through text, messaging, email. A lot of people stop
doing this, but this really works snail mail. Going back
to sending snail mail right your partner won't expect it.
Send them a letter either to their job or send
it to the house telling them how much you missed them.
Don't forget about dating, because we still have to date.
Even if you're married, even if you're committed and you've
(15:15):
been together since a pickle was a nickel, you still
need to date your partner. So basically, we gotta still
redefine and restructure our relationships with better or different expectations
of what that looks like currently. Mm hmmm, So we
mentioned earlier, you know that's so much energy kind of
(15:36):
turned online, especially in the beginning of the pandemic. So
we know that lots of people were using mediums like
only Fans and you know, other kinds of platforms to
kind of really explore their sexuality. Can you talk a
little bit about how we can do that, you know,
so maybe somebody's interested but don't know where to start,
like how we can use different online mediums to kind
(15:57):
of explore our sexuality. That's great question. I love that
one because in the current climate, what we're noticing is
that people's interests in casual sex is decreased because of
the COVID anxiety, because of health risks. But I think
we see it picking up a little bit more right
now with the vaccination and everything. So early one, we
(16:21):
saw a decrease in people's interests for casual sex. However,
you can steal produce these sites and not have sex
with people. This is a way to build up your
sexual confidence, to build up your sexual self esteem, because
that is the thing as well. So if you're going
on only Fans or if you want to make you
(16:42):
um offense the account that is a it's a fake
Instagram account that people who are close to you don't know,
but you use it to maybe post yourself in swimsuits,
or to feel more sexually confident, to post more information
about sex, or to gather more information about sex. You
can do that without interacting with people. You can follow
(17:04):
other people without saying, hey, let's meet up for sex.
You can go on only fans and you can post
your pictures or you can have videos of yourself. But
you can also cut your head off, you know. That's
one way that we tell people to do it when
they want to get into it but they don't want
to be recognized right now. Is to record without your
(17:24):
face in the camera until you feel comfortable enough to
build up putting your face in the camera. Get your
cell phone out, record yourself masturbating. Watch that, pay attention
to what you do, think about things that you would
like to share with other people about that, Upload that
(17:44):
to your account if you're so brave enough to do so,
or keep that in your spank bank, you know, for
later when you want to go back to it. Take news,
take pictures of yourself feeling sexy. All of those things
helped you to build yourself tual, self esteem and your
sexual confidence, and you can use these sites to help
you do that as well. You can connect with people
(18:07):
who help you to feel more sexually confident without reading
up with them. Don't forget we're still in a virtual,
a semi virtual world, and we can still have these
types of interactions with people virtually. M h. More from
my conversation with Shamira after the break. You know, I
(18:34):
wonder if there are other platforms. I mean, we know
only fans exist, you can do some of that. But
I see you and like other sex educators talking about
like Instagram and how you all often get shadow band,
and you know, because you've got to be really careful
with like spelling out stuff, and you know, so are
there other platforms that you can use to maybe be
able to connect with people in a way that's safe.
(18:57):
So when we say safe, we have to relate define
on what that means individually, you know, because online safety
means so many different things to two different people. But
safe in this manner where you won't get banned, are
blocked and deleted, like many of us get shadow band.
I'm sure you see whenever I spell sex, I space
out the letters because Instagram definitely takes our accounts down
(19:21):
when we post about sexuality. But what I found very interesting,
and I hope this doesn't um cause any issues. But
what I found is Twitter is like I don't know
if any body has seen the porn on Twitter, but
usually when people ask me about like, hey, are there
(19:43):
any social media sites that I can go and see?
It used to be Tumbler, but now it's Twitter. Like
Twitter has the best point of view stuff, and you
can find a variety of sexually explicit things on Twitter
and it it will literally blow your mind. Like I
have people who are kinky and queer and they want
(20:05):
to see specific things and they'll put a specific hashtag
on Twitter or they'll search for something and then they
go down this rabbit hole of finding things that really
resonate with them sexually. So Twitter is actually really good
for that if you're looking for a social media type
of platform. So you mentioned that we have to be
(20:25):
mindful of what we mean when we say safe, and
I think when I'm thinking about safety, I'm thinking about
you know, like, Okay, can somebody find your apartment based
on like a picture that you share, or you know,
like being careful of those kinds of things. Are there
other things that you think people should keep in mind
when they are wanting to maybe like do some of
(20:47):
this stuff online. Yeah, that's a great point. Um very
particular about this. I don't I used to and post
pictures of my kids because of this, and whenever we do,
we block their school name out and stuff like that.
Even though people can and find you, you know, if
they really wanted to find you, people can do that.
But for a lot of people, emotional security and safety
(21:08):
is very important to them. So making sure that you
are connected to those sites and those pages that make
you feel good about yourself and don't make you feel
really like crappy about yourself. Some people view safety as
something that's very affirming to their sexual identity and behavior
and orientation. So make sure that those accounts that you
(21:31):
follow are in alignment to who you are as a person,
because for a lot of people, that feel safe to them.
And if you are a person who knows that this
isn't your cup of tea, also knowing that it's safe
for you as well, it's making sure that you know
what's safe for you and what's not. And some people
don't recognize that until they're actually in the throes of it,
(21:52):
and then they get a reaction to it and they're like, Okay,
I was activated by this, and I realized that it
might not be a good idea for me to go here.
So it's just protecting yourself at various costs on the internet.
Like for me, I don't click on trauma porn on
the internet, Like I don't like the videos of people
(22:13):
being killed and murdered and uh and beat so I
don't that's I don't click on that stuff. I make
sure I keep that my space as safe as I can.
And I appreciate people who use trigger warnings, So be
mindful of trigger warnings and are specifically content warnings. Some
people use content warnings to let you know that the
(22:33):
information might be sensitive. Don't be that person who sees
the content warning and click on it and then become
activated by it. It's important to pay attention. Yes, So
something else that has happened, you know, I think a
lot of people you know, maybe have tried like online
dating sites, maybe for the first time during the pandemic
and now, like you mentioned, you know, when people are vaccinated,
(22:54):
maybe they are preparing to meet people in person for
the first time. Do you have any tips for people
who might be preparing to meet some money they've talked
to only online but now wanting to you know, translate
that into in real life. Yes, absolutely, So. A lot
of people are burned out from online dating because they
(23:15):
did a lot of virtual dates, and so they're like,
you know what, I'm vaccinated or I'm ready to get out.
And a lot of people are using that to their
advantage because they're like, I'm ready to get out and
I'm ready to explore. One concern is that you actually
see the person before you see the person, right, So
make sure you're setting up a video date before you
(23:36):
actually see them in person to know that this is
the person you've been speaking with all of this time
throughout this pandemic. Because some people are still going on
dates with people that they have not seen on camera.
And this is in the year I'm twenty and twenty one.
We should not be amount of shift on you. But
it's not in good taste to meet a person who
(23:59):
you've never even seeing through a video call before, Like
that is a potential red flag. So at least have
a video call two or three or thirty six with
them before you meet them in person. That also gives
you a chance to see if you feel like you
vibe with them like you see them, do you feel
like you vibe with them, you know, are they holding
(24:19):
your attention? Are you holding their attention? So it gives
you the opportunity to know if you actually want to
meet them in person or not. So and ask what
their goals are and make sure you have your boundaries
for meeting people in person. Know what your boundaries are.
So boundaries are basically how you are going to interact
with this person. Now it's not about the rules, but
(24:41):
it's basically the limits you set on yourself for your
interaction with the person. So how far are you willing
to go? Are not willing to go? So? Are you
okay with hugging? Are you okay with holding hands? Do
you want to wear a mask? Do you need them
to wear a mask? What are your boundaries for in
person meeting? If you are going to have sex, what
(25:02):
are your sexual boundaries? Some people are wearing masks during sex.
I did a poll on Instagram recently asking people if
they want to mask during sex and most people have
said that they have. And that was very interesting to
me that a lot of people having sex with masks on.
So do they need to wear a mask? Do you
need them to be testing? How soon do you want
(25:22):
to have a COVID test and show it to this
potential partner. So you need to make sure you have
boundaries to ensure you feel secure and you feel safe
and motivated to actually go back out there into the
world in Dave people. M M, yeah, those are great tips.
I mean, I'm very interested to hear about your you know,
informal pool kind of that you did on Instagram, right,
(25:45):
because I think that that's something you know, like we
have all just had to figure out what life looks
like now, right, And so you know, for people who
did not have a partner in the home or you know,
wanting to explore outside, you know, you have to think
about like, Okay, this might not be my first choice,
it's but you know, if I feel like I need
to have this meet, meant, what kinds of things can
I do to keep myself and this other person safe
(26:07):
absolutely and emotionally safe. So my husband and I, like
I said, we had COVID and so we where everybody
was in the house wearing masks, and he was like,
we can have sex with a mask on. He was like, yeah,
we can still do it. We don't have to face
each other and we can still wear our mask. Right,
(26:28):
because you know, they don't always figure out a way
to do it. So I was like, uh, you know,
I had thought about that, and I kind of think that,
you know, early COVID, we were up toyingle with the
idea of wearing a mask during sex, but clients also
had come up into sessions and they somebody told me that,
(26:49):
you know, they were thinking about wearing a mask during sex,
and we talked about what that meant for them and
what the potential partner thought about that. Is it helpful?
Is it not? And for the most part, I think
what it helps people with is feeling mentally safe. It
reduces a lot of the COVID anxiety that people have,
and that brings me to another point when people get COVID,
(27:11):
what that's like for their sexual experiences after getting COVID.
And so personally, I'll just tell you a little personal
thing about me. But personally, like I said, thankfully, we've
recovered from COVID, and I can tell you that I
had to use my mouth. I had to use my
own products on myself because I had to tell Jason,
(27:33):
who's my husband. I was like, listen, I'm having some
anxiety about this, you know, I told him what was
happening with me and what I needed from him in
the moment, and he was like, Okay, fine, you you're
having some anxiety about sex right now. You might change
your mind tonight, so cool. You like, no, he didn't
say tonight, but he was just basically saying, we'll go
(27:58):
at it when you feel more comfortable. And so one
of the reasons why it was really hard for me
is because I had watched him in a very, very
sixth state. He got pneumonia and was having issues with breathing,
and I too, I also had issues with breathing. So
if I lied on my back, if you're like somebody
was sitting on my chest, and I'm like, you know,
(28:18):
I don't think I'm being able to lay on my
back and I don't think I'm being able to do
this because I don't want to get out of breath.
And so I know that there's been a lot of
people's experience with COVID, and I'm so interested to see
like more research that comes out about sexual behaviors after
having COVID and what that looks like. But based on
my own personal experience and what I'm seeing in the
(28:41):
office with people who have recovered and are recovering is
for the most part, a lot of people are a
bit apprehensive. For several weeks after recovering from COVID, they're
a bit apprehensive. And if this is you, if you
are apprehensive about it, it's okay. For a lot of people,
having COVID is very scary, and some people feel traumatized
(29:02):
by that experience because for a lot of people it
was a near death experience. Some people have lost people
as a result, So it's quite natural for you to
have that apprehension about going back into it. And for
a lot of people, even a month later, you still
don't feel one percent. You still have issues with breathing,
you still have issues with sleep, and so you know,
(29:25):
our bodies need sleep in order to feel sexually sound,
our bodies need to be fed well, our bodies need
to feel well. So I just want to normalize if
there's anyone else who had that experience, I want to
normalize that for you that it's it's okay, and it
probably will last for a while until you feel comfortable.
(29:46):
There are other ways to enjoy sexual intimacy without having
genital to genital sex. You know, I talked about that
in the Usual Mouth book. There are other ways to
enjoy sex, and you can definitely still feel pleasure, sexual pleasure,
and physical intimacy without having sex. More from my conversation
(30:09):
with Shamira after the break. You know, Shamira, listening to
you talk about all of this really makes me think about,
you know, just how much we have been through in
the past eighteen months. And we know that one of
(30:30):
the hallmark symptoms of a depressive disorder is sometimes like
the loss of libido or decreased interests insects. So so
I wonder if you can talk a little bit for
people about how they might know whether this is just
like a temporary like Okay, this might bounce back, or
whether they needs to talk with someone about like their
loss of interest insects. So, you know, this is something
(30:54):
that we are still figuring out. But what we do know,
like sexual desire, is something that WANs like we sometimes
where we have sexual desire and sometimes we don't, but
we do know that it's something that it has to
be nurtured over time. It's something that this week I
(31:14):
might have sexual desire and I might feel like I
want to have sex every day this week, and then
next week, don't touch me. You know, it's like I'm
just not there, And it's because of issues its life,
it's because of all types of things that are going
on body things that's happening with us that we don't
recognize that's happening. What we do know is that whenever
(31:36):
we are experiencing those differences in sexual desire, and if
we're able to with attention and with sexual communication with
our partner, if we're still able to feel sexually connected
with them in time, we know that this is a
natural sexual desire waning. However, if you are a person
and you're recognizing that it's been at least six months
(31:59):
and I you don't feel any sexual desire, If you're
noticing that this isn't the norm for you as it
relates to how your sexual desire fluctuates, then you know
that it's time to speak to someone. It's time to
contact your therapists or sex therapists, and it's time to
see how to get back on a tract that you
(32:19):
feel comfortable with. Because what we know is, like you said,
with the depression and also death anxiety that COVID has
caused for a lot of people. If you think you're
about to die. If you think that getting close to
people is going to kill you, that's gonna tank your
sexual desire because what makes your partner different from the
(32:40):
other people And a lot of people are experiencing that,
and they did experience that. It's like, I'm kind of
afraid to even have sex with my partner because he
works outside the house or they work outside of the house,
and I don't know who they're coming in contact with,
and so we have to talk about what will make
you feel comfortable about them working outside of the house
and you still being able to feel close and connected
(33:03):
with them. So it's basically paying attention and knowing your
body and having that sexual communication talking to your partner.
But if you recognizing that it's been several months since
you felt like your usual self, then it's definitely time
to speak to someone. M hm, you know, Shamara, something
else that has come up a few times in community conversations.
(33:24):
It's this idea of people feeling less confident or secure
in their bodies because of weight, you know, maybe they've
gained during the pandemic. I'm wondering if you can share
some thoughts about how to increase your sexual confidence after
body changes. Listen, I don't know one person who didn't
gain weight while we were in Like, I gained weight,
I lost I lost it back when I lost eleven
(33:44):
pounds with COVID, but I gained weight. Like people who
even generally have issues with a gaining weight, they were like, yes,
I gained some weight, thank you COVID. But there are
some people who thank you COVID lockdown, not COVID. But
there are some people who did gain weight, and now
they feel even less sexually confident than they did before
(34:04):
they gained this weight, and this is increasing. Like you
mentioned earlier, Dr Joy, all that we've gone through in
this eighteen months and we're still moving right, So our
bodies have carried us through that. Some of us, our
bodies have carried us through even being infected with COVID
or nurturing other people who have been infected. Some of
us are professional people who work outside of the house
(34:27):
and who have been essential workers, and who worked in
hospitals and outside of the house this entire time. And
your body has carried you through all of that. So
your body is doing the thing that bodies do, right,
So it's how do you redefine how you see yourself
and where does your idea of sexual confidence come from?
(34:50):
So if you did not have an idea of what
it meant to be sexually confident, how would you know
that you were or you weren't sexually confident? When you
think of sexual confidence, what pops up? What people do
you see? I asked a client this before, who is
not a therapy client who they saw as sexually confident.
(35:13):
This was from a speaking engagement I had, and I
asked this client this, and they said, Rihanna is someone
who they see as sexually confident. And then my person
was test holiday. I saw that person as sexually confident.
And the problem with that is we see these people
as sexually confident, but we don't know if they see
(35:34):
themselves that way. We only see a glimpse of what
they decided to share with us. So in the ways,
what about them can we nurture within ourselves? When you
look at these people who you deem to be sexually confident,
what is it about them? And where are you getting
the messages from that You have to be a certain
(35:55):
size in order to be sexually attractive, and if that's
from inside of your house, then you have a problem.
So we need to reevaluate and ask ourselves those questions
right and figure out what does it mean for us
to be sexually confident? Does that mean wearing a shirt
when you have sex? And I know people are like,
take the shirt off, but you know, my thing is
(36:18):
if you feel comfortable and you are connected to more
pleasure when you wear your shirt and your partner is
okay with that, wear your shirt until you feel better
about taking it off, because we can get there. We
can get to there if you feel like you are
ready to. If you want to take off your shirt
and you want to still have on a bra where
your bra, so do it and continue to make smaller
(36:42):
steps until you feel better about yourself sexually. But you
have to change the messaging that you're telling yourself about
what it means to be sexually confident. I'm wondering, are
there things that you will be thinking about in terms
of like our sex lives and like relationship lives on
the other side of the pandemic whenever we get there,
Like what kinds of things are you interested in learning about,
(37:04):
Like how sex and relationships have kind of thrived or
not on the other side. So when I think of
on the other side, I call it in an evolving
COVID society. So I'm interested in knowing how our sexual
behaviors changed and in evolving COVID society. So even with flirting.
So I did an interesting article with the media company
(37:27):
about flirting during the pandemic, and I want to know
how people's flirting habits have changed while they had on
a mask and then when people were able to remove
their masks. What changed in people as it related to flirting, right?
Did their behaviors change? For one thing, what I recognized
in asking some people these questions is with the mask on,
(37:51):
people were very interested in looking in each other's faces,
and specifically in each other's eyes, because basically, if you
wear your mask fly over your nose, then we basically
only saw each other's eyes. So people became more interested
in looking in each other's eyes. And then the self
reports from people I interview personally is that they checked
(38:13):
out each other's bodies more while being masked, even if
they work up close and personal, and that didn't change
with taking the mask off. What did not change was
there was still this very this interest to look in
people's faces. Now, wow, we're taking our mask off. Now
I can see what you look like without your mask on, right,
(38:33):
And so there was a strong desire and interest to
see what people look like without a mask on. So
those are some of the things that I'm interested in.
I'm interested in what dating continues to look like and
how that continues to evolve with this. I'm interested in
knowing how the vaccine improves people sexual quality of life.
(38:54):
So I know a lot of people when they were
able to get vaccinated, they went out and they did
that because they thought that they were going to be
able to go out and wile out again. So that's
what they thought. But those are like those things that
come up to the forefront of man. Yeah, we will
definitely be staying in touch to kind of see like
(39:16):
what kinds of things you know, because I'm also just
fascinated just on so many levels about like how we
will change and how we will collectively grieve and all
of those things. Right, Like, it just feels like there's
been so many things have been uprooted during the pandemic,
and so there's just gonna be so much different like
on the other side. Or I like your idea of
an evolution, right because it doesn't sound like you know,
(39:38):
COVID is going anywhere, but hopefully we won't always be
in a pandemic state. Right. It becomes a thing that
we figure out how to live with, right, kind of
like the flu. So yep, but I can't wait till
we get there. Yeah, where we feel a little bit
better than where we are now, a lot better than
where we are now. Yeah. Yeah, Social mar you've already
(40:00):
may reference several times to the Use your Mouth cards
and the book. I wonder if you can tell us
a little bit more about those and where we can
find you, as well as any social media handles you'd
like to share. Absolutely. So, if you've ever been a
person who thought that you needed to know more about
yourself or your partner sexually, and you want to improve
(40:21):
your sex, then you got to get to use your
Mouth Sex and Relationship Conversation starter cards. And this is
for anybody. You don't have to be in a relationship
or not, so basically it's a fun, non judging way
to improve your sexual relationship. And then there is the
book that came out after the cards because a lot
of people I want to know what intimacy is in
(40:41):
and out of the bedroom, because a lot of us
think that intimacy is just sex. So I discuss seven
different types of intimacy right and they use your Mouth book.
It's pocket sized conversations to simply improve seven types of
intimacy in and out of the bedroom. And so I
talked about seven ways or seven of intimacy that you
(41:01):
might have or you might be missing in your relationship
with your partner that you want to build on. And
everything begins with a conversation. Sex begins with a conversation.
So you can get both of those on my site
on the Green Couch dot com or you can go
to Amazon to get the book as well, and you
can reach me on the Green Couch dot com. And
(41:23):
all of my socials are Sexologist Shamara. So I'm Sexologist
Shamaria on Instagram and I talk back to people and
YouTube and Facebook. Well, thank you so much for sharing
it with us. Again, It's always a pleasure to have
you chatting with us. Yes, I love chatting with y'all.
I'm so glad Shamara was able to share her expertise
(41:44):
with us today. To learn more about her, or to
grab your pack of the Use your Mouth cards, visit
the show notes at Therapy for black girls dot com
slash session to to six and don't forget to text
two of your girls and tell them to check out
the episode as well. If you're looking for a therapist
in your area, be sure to check out our therapist
directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory.
(42:06):
And if you want to continue digging into this topic
or just be in community with other sisters, come on
over and join us in the Sister Circle. It's our
cozy corner of the Internet design just for black women.
You can join us at community dot Therapy for black
girls dot com. Thank you all so much for joining
me again this week. I look forward to continue in
this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care,
Kay, Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a
weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the
small decisions we can make to become the best possible
(00:22):
versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope
you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it
(00:43):
is not meant to be a substitute for relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
for joining me for session of the Therapy for of
Black Girl's podcast. We'll get right into the episode after
(01:03):
a word from our sponsors. Lots of things have changed
during the pandemic, and our sex and dating lives are
no different. To chat with us about some of the
changes she's seen, it is Sexologists Shamira Howard. Shamira is
(01:26):
a licensed clinical social worker with a private practice serving
Beaton Rouge, Louisiana and surrounding areas. She specializes in sexuality
and relationships and works with a variety of clients, including
those battling depression, anxiety, pregnancy, parenting, peer relationships, and those
in the lgbt Q plus community. She's also the best
(01:46):
selling author and creatress of the Use your Mouth Sex
and Relationship conversation starter cards and the book Use your
Mouth Pocket Size Conversations to Simply Increase seven types of
intimacy in and out of the bedroom. Shamarra and I
chatted about how our sex lives have changed during the pandemic,
ways to sustain or improve intimacy as our schedules change,
(02:08):
tips for transitioning from online dating to in real life,
and tips for increasing sexual confidence. Shamira will also be
joining us along with Dr Lex Brown James this Friday
night at seven pm Eastern for our sex Positive September
celebration to chat all about getting the pleasure you desire.
So if you'd like to join us for a little
girl's night in, grab your ticket at sex Positive September
(02:31):
dot com. Here's our conversation social Maira. I would love
for you to just start by telling us how you
have seen like our sex lives and dating lives be
impacted throughout the pandemic. I'm sure that's a huge question,
but what are some of the high level things that
you've seen changed during this time, So that is a
(02:53):
huge question. But there's also and not so huge respond
to that, And it might be huge because for us
professional who are in the office seeing clients, we were
like calling each other emailing and we went into this
thinking that, and a lot of articles were even saying
people's relationships and sex lines we're gonna tank with this pandemic.
(03:14):
And this was early lockdown. We were seeing articles that
divorce inquiries had risen up to fift in the second
month of the lockdown. So we were like, Okay, we're
bracing ourselves for our clients, but I'll tell you two things. One,
people didn't know what to do, so we're talking about
early COVID during the first lockdowns. It's interesting that we
(03:36):
referred to it as early COVID. Right, people had what
we call COVID anxiety, so they didn't know basically how
to feel about this. A lot of people were scared,
a lot of people were experienced and death anxiety, and
so as a result, we did see a fluctuation with
their sexual relationships, not that much. Some people wanted more
sex and people wanted less sex, and some people sex
(03:58):
didn't change. So that was very interesting for us. And
then about a year later, the Kinzie Institute and Dr
Justin le Miller did this pandemic research study about people's
sexual behaviors during the pandemic, and it was amazing because
it found that people didn't decrease or increase their sexual
(04:21):
behavior and activity with their partners. But what happened was
they started experiencing more sexual diversity. Yes, and basically they
started incorporating toys into their sex. They started people started
watching porn for more eroticism. Now for education, because we
(04:41):
don't do that for education, but people's sexual diversity increased,
so they started becoming way more sexually explorative. And we
didn't expect that at all, but we were so happy
about it because all of the stuff that we teach
in sessions, people's started doing that stuff, Like they started
talking about sex more. People became way more sexually diverse.
(05:06):
They didn't just focus on the same genital to genital contact.
It's probably because we were so locked down. It was like, Okay,
we gotta add a little spice to this. M Yeah,
so you know that it's interesting. I'm glad you shared
like your thoughts about like why that might have happened,
and you're right. I remember, like very early on, you know,
we were getting reports from like how the divorce rates
(05:26):
had increased in China, and so people were speculating like, Okay,
we're going to see the same thing here in the
US as a pandemic progressive. But it sounds like it
actually was not the case that we have not seen
and especially it has not impacted people's sex lives. It
hasn't impacted people's sexual lives. There were still reports of
people all wanting to separate, and there were still relationship injuries.
(05:49):
Pandemic are not people were going to experience relationship injuries.
It's the nature of relationships, is what we know about relationships.
What the pandemic did was it barked couples closer together
and they had ever been before. A lot of people
don't see each other until they come home from work.
It's down for dinner, it's down to the show where
bab They might have sex, they might not. So what
(06:10):
we saw was this extra time that couples were forced
to be with each other. It brought out a lot,
brought out a lot and rout out some insecurities, brought
out some comfort, some discomforts and brought out space to explore.
I saw that in my office. Mm hmmm. So you
mentioned this other study that you also found had interesting results.
(06:30):
Can you say more about the other study. Oh? Absolutely,
it's another KINDSI Institute study. And this one was in
partnership with the company, the sexual wellness company love Honey,
and so this was the Summer of Love survey. And
so this summer they conducted this Summer a Love of
Love survey And this one was a bit less shocking
(06:51):
for me, but it was still interesting and that they
found that over fifty percent of people overall, it shows
that the pandemic wonders for their relationship in their sex life.
We went into this not thinking that people who are
going through fair very well. They started doing this research,
over of people said that they are more invested in
(07:14):
their relationship, they feel more committed to each other, They're
more satisfied with their partner. They say that their partner
meets their sexual needs now more than before. And that
just blew me away. It was so interesting. In fifty
one percent of people feel more passionate. So out of
all of these results, over fifty of people say that
(07:38):
their relationships and their sexual relationships improved and are better
than before. How interesting is that? That is really interesting
to Mary? And I wonder if you can help us
make sense of like why that may have been the case,
because there has also been like so much anxiety, so
much stress, so much exhaustion, you know, relationship both the
pandemic but also politics and racial injuices, like there have
(08:01):
been so many other things going on. But it sounds like,
I mean, now we know sex is a coping tool, right,
you know, so it could be people throw themselves into
things that make him feel good. But are there other
things that you think have happened that allowed people's sex
lives to kind of flourish in spite of all these
other stressors. Absolutely, and I'm glad you asked that question
(08:21):
because that's what most people want to know, like, well,
what did they do? Because that's not the case for
me over here. But what the read, what the study
showed is that again the pandemic forced people to communicate more.
And so that's basically what the results were is that
it provided more opportunities for couples too, as I say,
(08:42):
use your mouth, It provided more opportunities for couples to
talk and have the sexual communication, and like you mentioned
about politics, they were able to have these discussions. Again,
what we didn't see pre pandemic is couples just haven't
conversations about sex and about their relationship on a regular basis. Usually,
(09:04):
couple start talking about their relationship and sex when things
are going bad for them, when there's an issue. During
this time, couples started talking about their relationships and they
started talking about sex just because it was Tuesday at
three two pm. And what we know about sexual communication
(09:26):
is the more you talk about sex, the better your
sexual relationship improves, and a better your overall relationship improves
in and out of the bedroom because you're not just
bringing grievances to your partner, you're actually talking about your desires,
your wants, your likes. That research support my usual mouth
card sales because people started buying the cards more and
(09:48):
they were like, oh my god, I didn't notice about myself.
I asked my partner this question, and they asked me
this question, and we found out so much more and
people are having way better and more satisfying relationships as
a result of using their mouths. Mm hmmm. So you
already mentioned you know some people might be listening and saying, well,
that was not the case for my relationship, right, like,
(10:10):
I feel like we actually fell apart during the pandemic.
What kinds of suggestions do you have for people who
you know, maybe feel like, Okay, I've actually not had
a good experience or my sex life has not the
great during the pandemic. What kinds of things would you
say to them? A lot of people's experiences are that
while we know that over fifty of people, but not
more than fifty nine of people say that their relationships improved,
(10:35):
they're still a large percentage of people who might not
feel like that. And so one thing that I've noticed
that's happened for people who report, you know, my sexual
relationship has tanked, our overall relationship has tanked. I have
no desire, I don't feel sexually aroused, I don't feel
close to my partner. I have noticed that these are
(10:56):
the couples and the relationships who have not taken out
the time to redefine what their relationship looks like in
our current climate. So there's a lot of information about
pivoting and what that looks like before, a lot of
people they don't understand what that means for their own
relationship because they haven't taken the time out to assess
(11:16):
where their relationship was pre pandemic. They only know what's
happening right now. So for those of you who are
experiencing burnout in your relationships and you don't feel very
connected and very close, it's time to redefine what that
means for you individually, but also what that means for
your partner as well. So you're gonna have to use
(11:38):
your mouth, you and your partner and talk about what
type of relationship we want. One of the main things
that couples need to do is to have goals for
their relationship because we know that the goal of any
relationship is growth, right, it doesn't matter what type of
relationship you have. It's collective, individual and collective growth for
the relationship. And if something isn't growing, it's probably not dying.
(12:01):
So you have to figure out how can we grow
this relationship. What is our share goals and what are
our individual goals? And you have to get really laser
focused on making a commitment to redefining and growing your relationship.
And sometimes most times you can't do that by yourself.
People are way too close to their situations to be
(12:23):
able to redefine them on their own. So you have
to go sit on somebody's couch. Come on over to
the green couch, but you have to go sit on
somebody's couch to help you figure out your relationships goal
and to redefine it. Mm hmm. You know something else
that I was thinking as you were talking. For people
who have enjoyed like this newfound intimacy or you know,
(12:44):
newfound closeness that you talked about, I would imagine that
some people are feeling a little anxious as people are
maybe starting to go back to their offices and like,
you know, the pandemic even though it's not over, Like
schedules are changing now, right, So how can people kind
of maintain that closeness that maybe they developed during the
pandemic even while we are required to, you know, attend
(13:05):
to more things. That is a great point. And also
kids are going back to school, right, So kids are
going back to school, a lot of people are transitioning
back to working outside of the house, and things are
going to change. And so you're like, oh man, we
worked so hard and we did so well during this pandemic,
and we got so close and we feel so connected.
(13:25):
Now we're about to go back to what it looked
like pre pandemic. But technically you aren't going to go
back to that because it's still going to be different.
But what you're gonna have to do, like I said,
for people who weren't having great experiences, in order to
maintain that connection, you're going to have to center your
expectations or recenter your expectations. So, you know what, what
(13:47):
do we know about the situation. We know that things
are about to change, and when things change, we have
to change with them. So it's how am I going
to change how I show up in the relationship to
continue to meet the need of the relationships sexually, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually,
and however else you show up in your relationship. Figure
(14:07):
out how you can meet those needs. But know that
things are different and you don't have that same time.
You and your partner are going to have to talk
about Okay, we're going back to work, and you tell them, listen,
I'm having some anxiety about us leaving or working outside
of the house again and not seeing each other. I
really appreciate how much we've grown our relationship throughout the pandemic,
(14:31):
and I'm worried that we're gonna lose some of that.
What are your suggestions and also come to that conversation
with your own suggestions on how you could do that.
That might mean that schedule a lunch date once a
week at least, can we still incorporate at least once
a week working from home if that's an option, But
finding more ways for you to stay connected throughout the
(14:54):
day through text, messaging, email. A lot of people stop
doing this, but this really works snail mail. Going back
to sending snail mail right your partner won't expect it.
Send them a letter either to their job or send
it to the house telling them how much you missed them.
Don't forget about dating, because we still have to date.
Even if you're married, even if you're committed and you've
(15:15):
been together since a pickle was a nickel, you still
need to date your partner. So basically, we gotta still
redefine and restructure our relationships with better or different expectations
of what that looks like currently. Mm hmmm, So we
mentioned earlier, you know that's so much energy kind of
(15:36):
turned online, especially in the beginning of the pandemic. So
we know that lots of people were using mediums like
only Fans and you know, other kinds of platforms to
kind of really explore their sexuality. Can you talk a
little bit about how we can do that, you know,
so maybe somebody's interested but don't know where to start,
like how we can use different online mediums to kind
(15:57):
of explore our sexuality. That's great question. I love that
one because in the current climate, what we're noticing is
that people's interests in casual sex is decreased because of
the COVID anxiety, because of health risks. But I think
we see it picking up a little bit more right
now with the vaccination and everything. So early one, we
(16:21):
saw a decrease in people's interests for casual sex. However,
you can steal produce these sites and not have sex
with people. This is a way to build up your
sexual confidence, to build up your sexual self esteem, because
that is the thing as well. So if you're going
on only Fans or if you want to make you
(16:42):
um offense the account that is a it's a fake
Instagram account that people who are close to you don't know,
but you use it to maybe post yourself in swimsuits,
or to feel more sexually confident, to post more information
about sex, or to gather more information about sex. You
can do that without interacting with people. You can follow
(17:04):
other people without saying, hey, let's meet up for sex.
You can go on only fans and you can post
your pictures or you can have videos of yourself. But
you can also cut your head off, you know. That's
one way that we tell people to do it when
they want to get into it but they don't want
to be recognized right now. Is to record without your
(17:24):
face in the camera until you feel comfortable enough to
build up putting your face in the camera. Get your
cell phone out, record yourself masturbating. Watch that, pay attention
to what you do, think about things that you would
like to share with other people about that, Upload that
(17:44):
to your account if you're so brave enough to do so,
or keep that in your spank bank, you know, for
later when you want to go back to it. Take news,
take pictures of yourself feeling sexy. All of those things
helped you to build yourself tual, self esteem and your
sexual confidence, and you can use these sites to help
you do that as well. You can connect with people
(18:07):
who help you to feel more sexually confident without reading
up with them. Don't forget we're still in a virtual,
a semi virtual world, and we can still have these
types of interactions with people virtually. M h. More from
my conversation with Shamira after the break. You know, I
(18:34):
wonder if there are other platforms. I mean, we know
only fans exist, you can do some of that. But
I see you and like other sex educators talking about
like Instagram and how you all often get shadow band,
and you know, because you've got to be really careful
with like spelling out stuff, and you know, so are
there other platforms that you can use to maybe be
able to connect with people in a way that's safe.
(18:57):
So when we say safe, we have to relate define
on what that means individually, you know, because online safety
means so many different things to two different people. But
safe in this manner where you won't get banned, are
blocked and deleted, like many of us get shadow band.
I'm sure you see whenever I spell sex, I space
out the letters because Instagram definitely takes our accounts down
(19:21):
when we post about sexuality. But what I found very interesting,
and I hope this doesn't um cause any issues. But
what I found is Twitter is like I don't know
if any body has seen the porn on Twitter, but
usually when people ask me about like, hey, are there
(19:43):
any social media sites that I can go and see?
It used to be Tumbler, but now it's Twitter. Like
Twitter has the best point of view stuff, and you
can find a variety of sexually explicit things on Twitter
and it it will literally blow your mind. Like I
have people who are kinky and queer and they want
(20:05):
to see specific things and they'll put a specific hashtag
on Twitter or they'll search for something and then they
go down this rabbit hole of finding things that really
resonate with them sexually. So Twitter is actually really good
for that if you're looking for a social media type
of platform. So you mentioned that we have to be
(20:25):
mindful of what we mean when we say safe, and
I think when I'm thinking about safety, I'm thinking about
you know, like, Okay, can somebody find your apartment based
on like a picture that you share, or you know,
like being careful of those kinds of things. Are there
other things that you think people should keep in mind
when they are wanting to maybe like do some of
(20:47):
this stuff online. Yeah, that's a great point. Um very
particular about this. I don't I used to and post
pictures of my kids because of this, and whenever we do,
we block their school name out and stuff like that.
Even though people can and find you, you know, if
they really wanted to find you, people can do that.
But for a lot of people, emotional security and safety
(21:08):
is very important to them. So making sure that you
are connected to those sites and those pages that make
you feel good about yourself and don't make you feel
really like crappy about yourself. Some people view safety as
something that's very affirming to their sexual identity and behavior
and orientation. So make sure that those accounts that you
(21:31):
follow are in alignment to who you are as a person,
because for a lot of people, that feel safe to them.
And if you are a person who knows that this
isn't your cup of tea, also knowing that it's safe
for you as well, it's making sure that you know
what's safe for you and what's not. And some people
don't recognize that until they're actually in the throes of it,
(21:52):
and then they get a reaction to it and they're like, Okay,
I was activated by this, and I realized that it
might not be a good idea for me to go here.
So it's just protecting yourself at various costs on the internet.
Like for me, I don't click on trauma porn on
the internet, Like I don't like the videos of people
(22:13):
being killed and murdered and uh and beat so I
don't that's I don't click on that stuff. I make
sure I keep that my space as safe as I can.
And I appreciate people who use trigger warnings, So be
mindful of trigger warnings and are specifically content warnings. Some
people use content warnings to let you know that the
(22:33):
information might be sensitive. Don't be that person who sees
the content warning and click on it and then become
activated by it. It's important to pay attention. Yes, So
something else that has happened, you know, I think a
lot of people you know, maybe have tried like online
dating sites, maybe for the first time during the pandemic
and now, like you mentioned, you know, when people are vaccinated,
(22:54):
maybe they are preparing to meet people in person for
the first time. Do you have any tips for people
who might be preparing to meet some money they've talked
to only online but now wanting to you know, translate
that into in real life. Yes, absolutely, So. A lot
of people are burned out from online dating because they
(23:15):
did a lot of virtual dates, and so they're like,
you know what, I'm vaccinated or I'm ready to get out.
And a lot of people are using that to their
advantage because they're like, I'm ready to get out and
I'm ready to explore. One concern is that you actually
see the person before you see the person, right, So
make sure you're setting up a video date before you
(23:36):
actually see them in person to know that this is
the person you've been speaking with all of this time
throughout this pandemic. Because some people are still going on
dates with people that they have not seen on camera.
And this is in the year I'm twenty and twenty one.
We should not be amount of shift on you. But
it's not in good taste to meet a person who
(23:59):
you've never even seeing through a video call before, Like
that is a potential red flag. So at least have
a video call two or three or thirty six with
them before you meet them in person. That also gives
you a chance to see if you feel like you
vibe with them like you see them, do you feel
like you vibe with them, you know, are they holding
(24:19):
your attention? Are you holding their attention? So it gives
you the opportunity to know if you actually want to
meet them in person or not. So and ask what
their goals are and make sure you have your boundaries
for meeting people in person. Know what your boundaries are.
So boundaries are basically how you are going to interact
with this person. Now it's not about the rules, but
(24:41):
it's basically the limits you set on yourself for your
interaction with the person. So how far are you willing
to go? Are not willing to go? So? Are you
okay with hugging? Are you okay with holding hands? Do
you want to wear a mask? Do you need them
to wear a mask? What are your boundaries for in
person meeting? If you are going to have sex, what
(25:02):
are your sexual boundaries? Some people are wearing masks during sex.
I did a poll on Instagram recently asking people if
they want to mask during sex and most people have
said that they have. And that was very interesting to
me that a lot of people having sex with masks on.
So do they need to wear a mask? Do you
need them to be testing? How soon do you want
(25:22):
to have a COVID test and show it to this
potential partner. So you need to make sure you have
boundaries to ensure you feel secure and you feel safe
and motivated to actually go back out there into the
world in Dave people. M M, yeah, those are great tips.
I mean, I'm very interested to hear about your you know,
informal pool kind of that you did on Instagram, right,
(25:45):
because I think that that's something you know, like we
have all just had to figure out what life looks
like now, right, And so you know, for people who
did not have a partner in the home or you know,
wanting to explore outside, you know, you have to think
about like, Okay, this might not be my first choice,
it's but you know, if I feel like I need
to have this meet, meant, what kinds of things can
I do to keep myself and this other person safe
(26:07):
absolutely and emotionally safe. So my husband and I, like
I said, we had COVID and so we where everybody
was in the house wearing masks, and he was like,
we can have sex with a mask on. He was like, yeah,
we can still do it. We don't have to face
each other and we can still wear our mask. Right,
(26:28):
because you know, they don't always figure out a way
to do it. So I was like, uh, you know,
I had thought about that, and I kind of think that,
you know, early COVID, we were up toyingle with the
idea of wearing a mask during sex, but clients also
had come up into sessions and they somebody told me that,
(26:49):
you know, they were thinking about wearing a mask during sex,
and we talked about what that meant for them and
what the potential partner thought about that. Is it helpful?
Is it not? And for the most part, I think
what it helps people with is feeling mentally safe. It
reduces a lot of the COVID anxiety that people have,
and that brings me to another point when people get COVID,
(27:11):
what that's like for their sexual experiences after getting COVID.
And so personally, I'll just tell you a little personal
thing about me. But personally, like I said, thankfully, we've
recovered from COVID, and I can tell you that I
had to use my mouth. I had to use my
own products on myself because I had to tell Jason,
(27:33):
who's my husband. I was like, listen, I'm having some
anxiety about this, you know, I told him what was
happening with me and what I needed from him in
the moment, and he was like, Okay, fine, you you're
having some anxiety about sex right now. You might change
your mind tonight, so cool. You like, no, he didn't
say tonight, but he was just basically saying, we'll go
(27:58):
at it when you feel more comfortable. And so one
of the reasons why it was really hard for me
is because I had watched him in a very, very
sixth state. He got pneumonia and was having issues with breathing,
and I too, I also had issues with breathing. So
if I lied on my back, if you're like somebody
was sitting on my chest, and I'm like, you know,
(28:18):
I don't think I'm being able to lay on my
back and I don't think I'm being able to do
this because I don't want to get out of breath.
And so I know that there's been a lot of
people's experience with COVID, and I'm so interested to see
like more research that comes out about sexual behaviors after
having COVID and what that looks like. But based on
my own personal experience and what I'm seeing in the
(28:41):
office with people who have recovered and are recovering is
for the most part, a lot of people are a
bit apprehensive. For several weeks after recovering from COVID, they're
a bit apprehensive. And if this is you, if you
are apprehensive about it, it's okay. For a lot of people,
having COVID is very scary, and some people feel traumatized
(29:02):
by that experience because for a lot of people it
was a near death experience. Some people have lost people
as a result, So it's quite natural for you to
have that apprehension about going back into it. And for
a lot of people, even a month later, you still
don't feel one percent. You still have issues with breathing,
you still have issues with sleep, and so you know,
(29:25):
our bodies need sleep in order to feel sexually sound,
our bodies need to be fed well, our bodies need
to feel well. So I just want to normalize if
there's anyone else who had that experience, I want to
normalize that for you that it's it's okay, and it
probably will last for a while until you feel comfortable.
(29:46):
There are other ways to enjoy sexual intimacy without having
genital to genital sex. You know, I talked about that
in the Usual Mouth book. There are other ways to
enjoy sex, and you can definitely still feel pleasure, sexual pleasure,
and physical intimacy without having sex. More from my conversation
(30:09):
with Shamira after the break. You know, Shamira, listening to
you talk about all of this really makes me think about,
you know, just how much we have been through in
the past eighteen months. And we know that one of
(30:30):
the hallmark symptoms of a depressive disorder is sometimes like
the loss of libido or decreased interests insects. So so
I wonder if you can talk a little bit for
people about how they might know whether this is just
like a temporary like Okay, this might bounce back, or
whether they needs to talk with someone about like their
loss of interest insects. So, you know, this is something
(30:54):
that we are still figuring out. But what we do know,
like sexual desire, is something that WANs like we sometimes
where we have sexual desire and sometimes we don't, but
we do know that it's something that it has to
be nurtured over time. It's something that this week I
(31:14):
might have sexual desire and I might feel like I
want to have sex every day this week, and then
next week, don't touch me. You know, it's like I'm
just not there, And it's because of issues its life,
it's because of all types of things that are going
on body things that's happening with us that we don't
recognize that's happening. What we do know is that whenever
(31:36):
we are experiencing those differences in sexual desire, and if
we're able to with attention and with sexual communication with
our partner, if we're still able to feel sexually connected
with them in time, we know that this is a
natural sexual desire waning. However, if you are a person
and you're recognizing that it's been at least six months
(31:59):
and I you don't feel any sexual desire, If you're
noticing that this isn't the norm for you as it
relates to how your sexual desire fluctuates, then you know
that it's time to speak to someone. It's time to
contact your therapists or sex therapists, and it's time to
see how to get back on a tract that you
(32:19):
feel comfortable with. Because what we know is, like you said,
with the depression and also death anxiety that COVID has
caused for a lot of people. If you think you're
about to die. If you think that getting close to
people is going to kill you, that's gonna tank your
sexual desire because what makes your partner different from the
(32:40):
other people And a lot of people are experiencing that,
and they did experience that. It's like, I'm kind of
afraid to even have sex with my partner because he
works outside the house or they work outside of the house,
and I don't know who they're coming in contact with,
and so we have to talk about what will make
you feel comfortable about them working outside of the house
and you still being able to feel close and connected
(33:03):
with them. So it's basically paying attention and knowing your
body and having that sexual communication talking to your partner.
But if you recognizing that it's been several months since
you felt like your usual self, then it's definitely time
to speak to someone. M hm, you know, Shamara, something
else that has come up a few times in community conversations.
(33:24):
It's this idea of people feeling less confident or secure
in their bodies because of weight, you know, maybe they've
gained during the pandemic. I'm wondering if you can share
some thoughts about how to increase your sexual confidence after
body changes. Listen, I don't know one person who didn't
gain weight while we were in Like, I gained weight,
I lost I lost it back when I lost eleven
(33:44):
pounds with COVID, but I gained weight. Like people who
even generally have issues with a gaining weight, they were like, yes,
I gained some weight, thank you COVID. But there are
some people who thank you COVID lockdown, not COVID. But
there are some people who did gain weight, and now
they feel even less sexually confident than they did before
(34:04):
they gained this weight, and this is increasing. Like you
mentioned earlier, Dr Joy, all that we've gone through in
this eighteen months and we're still moving right, So our
bodies have carried us through that. Some of us, our
bodies have carried us through even being infected with COVID
or nurturing other people who have been infected. Some of
us are professional people who work outside of the house
(34:27):
and who have been essential workers, and who worked in
hospitals and outside of the house this entire time. And
your body has carried you through all of that. So
your body is doing the thing that bodies do, right,
So it's how do you redefine how you see yourself
and where does your idea of sexual confidence come from?
(34:50):
So if you did not have an idea of what
it meant to be sexually confident, how would you know
that you were or you weren't sexually confident? When you
think of sexual confidence, what pops up? What people do
you see? I asked a client this before, who is
not a therapy client who they saw as sexually confident.
(35:13):
This was from a speaking engagement I had, and I
asked this client this, and they said, Rihanna is someone
who they see as sexually confident. And then my person
was test holiday. I saw that person as sexually confident.
And the problem with that is we see these people
as sexually confident, but we don't know if they see
(35:34):
themselves that way. We only see a glimpse of what
they decided to share with us. So in the ways,
what about them can we nurture within ourselves? When you
look at these people who you deem to be sexually confident,
what is it about them? And where are you getting
the messages from that You have to be a certain
(35:55):
size in order to be sexually attractive, and if that's
from inside of your house, then you have a problem.
So we need to reevaluate and ask ourselves those questions
right and figure out what does it mean for us
to be sexually confident? Does that mean wearing a shirt
when you have sex? And I know people are like,
take the shirt off, but you know, my thing is
(36:18):
if you feel comfortable and you are connected to more
pleasure when you wear your shirt and your partner is
okay with that, wear your shirt until you feel better
about taking it off, because we can get there. We
can get to there if you feel like you are
ready to. If you want to take off your shirt
and you want to still have on a bra where
your bra, so do it and continue to make smaller
(36:42):
steps until you feel better about yourself sexually. But you
have to change the messaging that you're telling yourself about
what it means to be sexually confident. I'm wondering, are
there things that you will be thinking about in terms
of like our sex lives and like relationship lives on
the other side of the pandemic whenever we get there,
Like what kinds of things are you interested in learning about,
(37:04):
Like how sex and relationships have kind of thrived or
not on the other side. So when I think of
on the other side, I call it in an evolving
COVID society. So I'm interested in knowing how our sexual
behaviors changed and in evolving COVID society. So even with flirting.
So I did an interesting article with the media company
(37:27):
about flirting during the pandemic, and I want to know
how people's flirting habits have changed while they had on
a mask and then when people were able to remove
their masks. What changed in people as it related to flirting, right?
Did their behaviors change? For one thing, what I recognized
in asking some people these questions is with the mask on,
(37:51):
people were very interested in looking in each other's faces,
and specifically in each other's eyes, because basically, if you
wear your mask fly over your nose, then we basically
only saw each other's eyes. So people became more interested
in looking in each other's eyes. And then the self
reports from people I interview personally is that they checked
(38:13):
out each other's bodies more while being masked, even if
they work up close and personal, and that didn't change
with taking the mask off. What did not change was
there was still this very this interest to look in
people's faces. Now, wow, we're taking our mask off. Now
I can see what you look like without your mask on, right,
(38:33):
And so there was a strong desire and interest to
see what people look like without a mask on. So
those are some of the things that I'm interested in.
I'm interested in what dating continues to look like and
how that continues to evolve with this. I'm interested in
knowing how the vaccine improves people sexual quality of life.
(38:54):
So I know a lot of people when they were
able to get vaccinated, they went out and they did
that because they thought that they were going to be
able to go out and wile out again. So that's
what they thought. But those are like those things that
come up to the forefront of man. Yeah, we will
definitely be staying in touch to kind of see like
(39:16):
what kinds of things you know, because I'm also just
fascinated just on so many levels about like how we
will change and how we will collectively grieve and all
of those things. Right, Like, it just feels like there's
been so many things have been uprooted during the pandemic,
and so there's just gonna be so much different like
on the other side. Or I like your idea of
an evolution, right because it doesn't sound like you know,
(39:38):
COVID is going anywhere, but hopefully we won't always be
in a pandemic state. Right. It becomes a thing that
we figure out how to live with, right, kind of
like the flu. So yep, but I can't wait till
we get there. Yeah, where we feel a little bit
better than where we are now, a lot better than
where we are now. Yeah. Yeah, Social mar you've already
(40:00):
may reference several times to the Use your Mouth cards
and the book. I wonder if you can tell us
a little bit more about those and where we can
find you, as well as any social media handles you'd
like to share. Absolutely. So, if you've ever been a
person who thought that you needed to know more about
yourself or your partner sexually, and you want to improve
(40:21):
your sex, then you got to get to use your
Mouth Sex and Relationship Conversation starter cards. And this is
for anybody. You don't have to be in a relationship
or not, so basically it's a fun, non judging way
to improve your sexual relationship. And then there is the
book that came out after the cards because a lot
of people I want to know what intimacy is in
(40:41):
and out of the bedroom, because a lot of us
think that intimacy is just sex. So I discuss seven
different types of intimacy right and they use your Mouth book.
It's pocket sized conversations to simply improve seven types of
intimacy in and out of the bedroom. And so I
talked about seven ways or seven of intimacy that you
(41:01):
might have or you might be missing in your relationship
with your partner that you want to build on. And
everything begins with a conversation. Sex begins with a conversation.
So you can get both of those on my site
on the Green Couch dot com or you can go
to Amazon to get the book as well, and you
can reach me on the Green Couch dot com. And
(41:23):
all of my socials are Sexologist Shamara. So I'm Sexologist
Shamaria on Instagram and I talk back to people and
YouTube and Facebook. Well, thank you so much for sharing
it with us. Again, It's always a pleasure to have
you chatting with us. Yes, I love chatting with y'all.
I'm so glad Shamara was able to share her expertise
(41:44):
with us today. To learn more about her, or to
grab your pack of the Use your Mouth cards, visit
the show notes at Therapy for black girls dot com
slash session to to six and don't forget to text
two of your girls and tell them to check out
the episode as well. If you're looking for a therapist
in your area, be sure to check out our therapist
directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory.
(42:06):
And if you want to continue digging into this topic
or just be in community with other sisters, come on
over and join us in the Sister Circle. It's our
cozy corner of the Internet design just for black women.
You can join us at community dot Therapy for black
girls dot com. Thank you all so much for joining
me again this week. I look forward to continue in
this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care,
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