December 24, 2024 • 65 mins
This week on To Tell You the Truth, I’m joined by Beverly Andre, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who is changing how we talk about love, relationships, and self-worth. Together, we tackle the complexities of dating in today’s world—from emotional safety and vulnerability to breaking free from societal pressures that tell Black women how relationships should look.
Beverly shares her insights on preparing for partnership, healing past wounds, and why building real connections starts with understanding yourself. If you’ve ever questioned the “rules” of love or struggled with the weight of relationship expectations, this episode is for you.
Join us for an honest, refreshing take on relationships that goes beyond the surface.
00:00 Welcome to 'To Tell You the Truth'
00:40 Introducing Beverly Andre: Relationship Expert
01:51 Navigating Relationship Dynamics
07:09 Cultural Perspectives on Dating and Relationships
09:33 The Importance of Communication and Safety
13:43 Balancing Feelings and Pragmatism in Relationships
18:39 Legacy and Expectations in Black Communities
27:59 Challenges and Stereotypes in Dating
35:23 Cultural Differences in Matchmaking
36:35 Privacy vs. Secrecy in Relationships
37:26 Self-Worth and External Validation
41:05 Expectations in Marriage
45:02 Navigating Relationship Boundaries
52:26 The Value of Conflict in Relationships
55:20 Spinning the Block: Revisiting Past Relationships
01:03:31 The Importance of Premarital Counseling
01:05:07 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brittany Sharpton (00:00):
Hey, everyone.
Welcome to, to tell you thetruth, the podcast, where
the group chat comes to life.
I'm your host, Brittany Sharpton.
And each week we dive into thosejuicy conversations, usually reserved
just for our closest friends.
Stories about love, wellness,careers, and personal growth.
This is your space for unfilteredhonesty, shared laughs, and maybe even
(00:24):
a little self discovery along the way.
So grab a cup of coffeeor a glass of wine.
Settle in and let's get real,because to tell you the truth,
our stories deserve to be heard.
Let's get started.
Today's guest is Beverly Andre,licensed marriage and family therapist,
(00:45):
also known as your favorite MFT.
Beverly is a powerhouse in therelationship space, helping Black
and Brown couples build healthy,fun, and passionate relationships.
Her insights have been featured oneverywhere from Netflix to Essence.
Beverly's work is all about dismantlingmyths, breaking down barriers, and
(01:07):
getting real about the narrativesthat shape our relationships.
We'll explore the unspoken truths behindrelationship dynamics and why emotional
vulnerability and communication Is thefoundation of authentic connection.
This is a must listen if you'renavigating the complexities of love
and desire real non sugar coated talk.
(01:29):
This conversation led me to an evendeeper introspective part of myself.
self regarding relationships anddynamics, but it also reminded me that
I must extend myself a lot more grace.
So I really hope that you enjoylistening to this discussion just
as much as I enjoyed having it.
Let's get started.
(01:51):
I just was saying.
Had I known better and just got meone of them on campus, but see, I
didn't, I didn't, I didn't know.
But anyway, you were sayingabout the unicorn life.
Beverley Andre (02:04):
So I'm very mindful because of my personal background.
Like I'm part of like the unicorn crewthat like my husband and I found each
other like freshman year in collegeand we started dating sophomore year.
So I think it's important toknow because even for people.
who may have started datingin college and may have gotten
(02:26):
married in like their thirties.
I think there is a very unique journeydating in college, dating post college,
dating in your thirties, in your forties.
Cause there's just so much researchthat does, you know, give very dismal
numbers around like the older you areas a black woman, the lower your chances
(02:48):
are of finding forever partnership,which I completely buck against.
I think there's a lot of factorsthat play into, finding forever
partners as you get older.
Like, are you able to expand onage range, race and ethnicity?
Like, can you, is there some flexibility?
But the reason why I want tocaution that is because my
(03:09):
experience was just so unique to me.
And I do think that it is hardsometimes for single women to hear.
A perspective of a married person who theywant their person forever in a day about
dating now, because it's so different.
It's wild.
Honestly, it's absolutely wild.
So that's why I said, like, I canspeak to it in terms of like preparing
(03:33):
yourself for partnership, communicating,expectations around dating and what
you're looking for in a partner.
But I am not the person to be like, Thisis what you need to do to find a man.
That is just not me.
Brittany Sharpton (03:45):
I appreciate that context and you being, because
everybody, especially with social mediaand the internet is a relationship.
Beverley Andre (03:54):
You need to stay in your lane.
No, for real, people need to stayin their lane and also operate with
a level of empathy and love becauseit's so touchy, especially for
people who really want partnership.
And then to hear advice.
From married women, it can come off verycondescending, like you don't get it.
(04:17):
And I think it's okay tobe like, you're right.
I don't get it.
And I'm here to support you.
Brittany Sharpton (04:22):
You know what I mean?
I think, you know what?
Normally I always have likesomething to say, but all I can
do is just, if you're not watchingthis on YouTube, I can just nod.
I so appreciate that.
I love it.
Exactly, exactly.
But there's still so much value.
You're right.
It's the way that you deliver it too.
(04:43):
I mean, I'm receptive to any sort of wayto improve, definitely in this facet.
But I have found with marriedwomen, let me, let me phrase this
in a, because if I say it a certainway, I come across as a hater.
We get a bad rap sometimes.
It's just the way, it's like, nomatter what happens, as soon as
(05:03):
you get that MRS and you sign thatpaperwork, it's like, It's a level of
status and superiority and the energy.
It's just,
Beverley Andre (05:12):
I've seen it.
Like, and this is fueled by society.
There's so many cultures whohone in your value to marriage.
Like your value is contingenton your relationship to a man.
Music (05:24):
Um,
Beverley Andre (05:27):
right.
Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh.
Brittany Sharpton (05:30):
Okay.
Okay.
There's so much.
All right.
There's so much.
Oh my gosh.
You like threw me off of my,I had this narrative arc, but
no, like you didn't get me.
I think it's okay.
I mean, girl, it's slow and like.
Thank you.
Let the Lord use you.
He's using you.
He's using you.
So I
(05:53):
appreciate it.
Okay.
It's so funny when you mentioned beingthe unicorn, one of my questions to you,
I'm curious just in your line of work andjust your personal experiences growing up.
See, I grew up in a loving,two parent household.
I am not knocking them in any way.
We were exposed to everythingthat you can possibly think of,
(06:15):
travel, every extracurricular,great education, top notch.
But when I think about my childhoodor even adolescent hood, I was never
taught How to date or relationshipsthat wasn't even a conversation and
it wasn't until it was like, because Ireally had to reflect and think, okay,
(06:38):
let me try to channel my childhoodself or take some accountability.
Like, how did I get here?
And there was never aconversation about relationships.
What to look for in a partner?
What does love look like?
It was, you get good grades, you don'tget any money for getting good grades.
Like that's the expect.
(06:58):
I mean, you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you're in principal's honor roll,you go to college, you better finish
in four years and you get a good job.
And then I had to figure it out.
on my own.
So I wanted to ask you, why do youthink, especially in Black households
with Black girls and women, thesesort of discussions don't take place?
(07:20):
Because other cultures, I won'tsay all the time, they be giving
tutorials on like what to do.
It's just not aconversation that I've had.
And I feel like that's anexperience for a lot of Black women.
Um, story time.
So
Beverley Andre (07:33):
I will say overall, right?
I'll start overall and then I'll hone in.
I believe based off of my work withcouples, things that I've read,
researched, my life experience, that, alot of cultures Put emphasis on model,
the behavior you want to see, theythink that just showing the behavior
(07:54):
is enough, which is why there are some,you know, some of my boomers who are
like, I don't need to say I love you.
I show it to you.
Right?
So it's like, you shouldbe paying attention.
You should be observant, but Ican stand inside of a garage and
look at all the components andit doesn't mean that I'm a car.
Right.
There's something very nuancedabout relationships that when you're
(08:18):
growing up, you look at whoever theprimary guardians are to you, if you
have them, mom, dad, uncle, grandma,grandpa, whoever, or even if it's
a single parent, who's also dating,
Music (08:29):
you
Beverley Andre (08:29):
look at them as models of these are my expectations
for relationships, whether it isovertly expressed, or if it's By
observation, a lot of older couplesbelieve that as long as you see it,
then you know what you should do.
You know what you shouldn't do.
And also a lot of them werenever like really instructed.
This is what you need to look out for.
(08:52):
This is what you need asyou're seeking for a partner.
A lot of it is tied to if theybelieve in God and they're in the
church, it hones down to a church.
A husband submits to God.
His wife submits to him andthe kids submit to the parent.
That's like the scope or a Proverbs 31woman, and you read that, and that is
(09:15):
your description of how you should beas a wife and there's space for that.
There's something to be said about.
the importance of spirituality andbelief as it relates to who you
believe you are in alignment with.
But how can you figure that out if youdon't have basic communication skills?
(09:39):
And I think a lot of what peoplethink that they should have when
seeking partnership is somethingthat's like, Oh, how did my parents
find the one or find each other?
It's not even external.
It's all internal work anda little bit of external.
Let me step back.
Internal work.
Are you aware of yourdesires of your heart?
(09:59):
Are you able to communicatethe desires of your heart?
Do you know what feels good to you?
What looks good to you?
Do you know what safety is for you?
Because even if your parents gave youadvice on this is what you look for in
a man, he needs to open up your door.
He needs to do all that.
He can open up your door and he's stillbeating your behind, behind closed doors.
(10:19):
You know what I mean?
So there are certain behaviors Ithink people look for in the tangible
that's like, that is not enough.
When you are with thisperson, do they listen to you?
Are they curious about you?
Do they care about your wellbeing?
Do they look out for your wellbeing?
Are they pushing you towards your family?
(10:40):
And or are they pulling you away?
Are they isolating you?
Do they honor you with their words?
Do their words and their behaviors match?
Are they in alignment?
What you say, what you do makesense together as a whole package.
Those are the thingsthat people should be.
Looking towards to when it comesto seeking partnership, are you
(11:01):
a good person because if you aretreating the people around you well,
then I can have an expectation.
Probably you will treat me.
Well, you can take that chance.
Do people switch up on you?
Absolutely.
However, you need to be able tolook at how that person is in
community and relationship with youand see if it makes sense for you.
(11:21):
Like safety, communication,alignment is so important.
And even if you didn't see that fromyour parents, or maybe if you did,
you know, what feels right for you.
But sometimes we hear different messages.
Oh, he's a good man.
Savannah.
It doesn't matter that he's married.
It doesn't matter that he got.
(11:41):
Like there's so many outside voicesthat end up countering what you
innately feel is right for you.
So be mindful of that and really be ableto kind of stick to your guns and honor
what it is that you need for yourself.
Because if you feel like you have todim yourself or get smaller to be with
someone, probably not your life partner.
Brittany Sharpton (12:08):
Ooh, you said it's more than a mouthful.
I got a body full.
There's so much.
There's so many different directions.
I could go.
What really resonated withme was what feels good.
Ironically, the older I get.
the more comfortable and confidentI am in terms of what I know or
(12:29):
what I think will work for me.
But then again, countering that afterexperiences that didn't work out, and
I thought that I can trust my gut, nowI'm second guessing myself even more.
Like you said, these outside forces,like, that's why sometimes I just have
to, like, give myself a social mediabreak because You don't know what,
like you said, somebody can be openingup your car door and knocking the
(12:52):
hell out of you, or you see all theseelaborate trips, and not saying, I love
elaborate trips and there are plentyof good men who will do this, but it's
just, you don't know what's going on.
So I'm just curious, how Can a singlewoman or man fully trust their feeling?
And I want to segue intosomething, Beverly, because I've
(13:13):
done the whole, Oh my gosh, thisman really makes me feel good.
I enjoy being around him.
I feel seen.
I feel heard, but he may be broke.
I've done the not pragmatic thing.
And then I said, let me be more pragmaticand try to look at characteristics
that don't necessarily like.
(13:35):
align with how I feeland that hasn't worked.
So what are your thoughts on?
Beverley Andre (13:40):
It's a both and to me.
Okay.
And I say both and like, youshouldn't compromise one for the
other because feeling has purpose,but it's not enough on its own.
So how I feel about you and what I seethat you're doing together, because
you may make me feel so different.
So wonderful and so loved, but Ican't trust you to be there for
(14:05):
me because you're not showingup for me or you are, you know,
emotionally unavailable, but you'rea provider, you know what I'm saying?
Like, yes, I do.
Why should you pickbetween the two as opposed?
Both of them matter because remember,I talked about sense of safety,
sense of safety is not just like myphysical presence is mentally safe,
(14:28):
emotionally safe, spiritually safe.
Like when I'm around you, does yourvoice cause me to second guess mine?
You know, are you consistentin your treatment with me?
So when we started thinking aboutlike, like, how do you figure out
which one to pick or what not, okay,you're emotionally safe and all these
wonderful things, but you're not six feettall, or you don't have the sexy job.
(14:52):
You're a blue collar worker, but youhave a job and it's consistent and you're
providing, you get what I'm saying?
Those are, I feel likeareas of compromise.
Because people, most of the time, whenthey start thinking about compromise,
it's like, I have this vision ofwhat a power couple is, or the type
of person that I should be with, asopposed to the person that I am with,
(15:13):
and how do I feel being with them.
I'm not saying that.
Oh, I can't remember who it was, but itwas this thing where, I can't remember.
I think she was a journalist maybe.
And they were saying, oh, soyou want to date a bus driver?
And she was like, no.
Oh, Ebony
Brittany Sharpton (15:29):
K.
Williams, right?
Who was talking about her.
Beverley Andre (15:33):
And I was just like, wow, like the way that people are criticizing
this woman for wanting what she wants, youknow, if that's, that's her preference,
that's what she wants, whatnot, whatever.
Let her have what she wants, even if shegets it, when she gets it, it doesn't
matter, but for certain people who dodesire a certain level of partnership,
(15:57):
right, being clear about what itis that you want, what it is that's
what you need, because if that personhas what you need, there are certain
things that you can, you know, okay,I don't have to have all the wants.
Right.
Nice to have, but those needs,those are uncompromising needs.
Definitely.
Yes.
Brittany Sharpton (16:17):
All right.
It's just, my mind is just, all thesetabs are open and you're saying something.
It's like you're reading my notes.
I'm like, does everyone she talks tohave the same concerns, but I just
have to, I hate to interrupt, butI have to segue and ask you this.
Okay, thank you so much for bringingup that instance about to this day.
It's so interesting.
I just was reading an articleand in the comments, they're
(16:42):
still referencing the bus driver.
Wow.
In my mind, I'm like, whatdoes it even matter to you what
someone else's preferences?
It's the same way.
It's not someone
Beverley Andre (16:53):
else's.
It's a black woman's preference becauseblack women shouldn't have preferences.
Can you say that?
Oh, my.
If we're gonna get to it, right?
If we're gonna get to it, if she was nothaving preference, it was that she was
a Black woman, and she has preferences,instead of her being okay with getting
what she, just getting whatever.
She wants what she deserves, andthey're like, well, why should you?
(17:16):
Because here's, because that piecewhere you were saying about, oh,
there's other cultures who puttheir kids on game and all of that.
I went to a PWI, apredominantly white institution.
It was very known around campus.
The education ladies.
The nursing ladies, whiteladies, I love them.
(17:40):
Cool.
Women.
But the first time I ever heard,get that ring before spring or by
spring was not from a black person.
I've never heard that from a black person.
Never.
Because the way in which
some.
(18:01):
Caucasian folks raise their kids.
They're young girls.
It's you find her a husband in college.
You marry the potential.
Oh, he's pre med.
Oh, he's a biology major.
Oh, he's an engineering major.
Oh, he's pre law.
Right.
Go ahead and get that.
Oh, he's from this family.
It's a very lucrative business.
(18:22):
Even black athletes.
Oh, he's positioned to be thisand that on the football team
or on the basketball team.
It was wildness hearing all of this,and I can say it because I've heard
it, it's about legacy for them.
It's about family name, as opposed tome, when I went to school, my parents
(18:44):
were like, you better focus on the books.
You better get your education.
There's a reason why Black womenare one of the most influential.
educated groups in America.
We are going to get, you know,people talk about those memes.
Oh, you broke up with a blackwoman and then she graduated
with her PhD a week later.
We are so educated because weare told education will give you
the freedom that you deserve.
Brittany Sharpton (19:06):
It's where the most highly educated group of women were the
fastest growing group of entrepreneurs.
We're the most innovativegroup on the planet.
That's fact.
However, when you lookat the relationships.
And it's not because, thereis anything wrong with us.
There's just so many systemic andhistorical and cultural layers to
(19:29):
unpack and peel back that I justwish people would look at it just
how you presented these things.
Because even talking to you, Beverly,I didn't even think about it.
You were right.
It was, like you said, youbetter get out of here in these
four years, get a good job.
No one ever said, and I wish, I wishsomeone would have said, hey, you have
(19:53):
a good, these four years you're hereon campus, proximity, proximity, you're
living right here with these people.
And
like, I feel like, especiallywith Black men, I went to
Penn, which is a white PWI too.
But in terms of overall,just quality, high earning,
(20:14):
innovative, and I've dated a lot.
I'm like, I missed out on my opportunity.
That really was what the tuition was for.
, I'm being facetious here,but I'm just saying.
No,
Beverley Andre (20:25):
but I really want you to think about that because there's a,
Brittany Sharpton (20:33):
when you talk about legacy and, and, oh my gosh,
Beverley Andre (20:36):
that tuition money is just an investment towards your future.
Because it's kind of like when you have,Paid internships and unpaid internships.
There's a certain group that'sable to afford unpaid internships.
I literally was talking to a girlfriendtoday and she literally was like, if
you go to the white house and you wantto do an internship, it is unpaid.
(20:59):
And if you look at the class ofinterns, you see who's able to afford
unpaid internship, which is why thecongressional black caucus has paid
internships because we majoritytypically cannot afford to have unpaid
internships because we need to work.
(21:19):
And some of us are working tosupport our families on top
of that, you know what I mean?
So just thinking about what I saidabout legacy, the generational gifts and
teachings and lessons, a lot of us arefirst in our families to go to college.
I'm first in my family to go tocollege, to get a high school degree.
Who was going to tell me, granted, yes,I did find my husband in college, but
(21:41):
who's going to tell me, Oh, college isyour best bet to find life partnership.
Because once you graduate, itgets harder for black women.
No one told me that.
No one told me
Brittany Sharpton (21:51):
that,
Beverly.
It's just, Oh my gosh.
Cause I wasn't sure too, howyou were going to receive some
of just my candid thoughts.
But the fact that I feel validatedin these things that I say to myself.
When I'm putting on makeup or when I'mjust sitting drinking my coffee, I'm
(22:13):
just like I'm all about legacy building.
Why didn't I do better in thatdepartment on college campus?
And then you think backinto your upbringing.
But then you don't wantto feel ungrateful.
So my mind like quicklyshuts off those thoughts.
But just having this conversation withyou, I'm like, one, I'm not alone.
Two, I'm not crazy.
(22:33):
Well,
Beverley Andre (22:35):
I do want to just say, like, I want you to be unapologetic about
the feelings that you have, because at theend of the day, there is a level of grief
and regret that can come up with, wow, hadI known I could have made different moves.
And I think, Dr.
Raquel Martin, I think that's her name,Raquel Martin, she literally just said
like, my kid will never, never, ever,ever get a perfect attendance score.
(22:59):
Certificate, like they'regoing to know they need a
mental health day and all that.
And I love that messagingbecause I know for so many of
us, it drives us in college.
We can't afford to doan unpaid internship.
We can't afford to go onspring break or take time off.
Or I do 15 credits this semesterso I can graduate early.
Like it's that hustler mentality becauseyou know, there's a lot that's riding out
(23:22):
on you, you know, being able to graduate.
And while that is a pro, sometimes thereare consequences that come with that.
You're not really able to live andhave the full, let me walk that back
because you get to define what a fullcollege experience is, but thinking
about a well rounded college experience,being able to have those late nights
(23:43):
and meet those forever friends andpossibly find a forever partner or
go on dates that are low risk, right?
Whomever, right.
Right.
I mean, you can date with a purpose,but in terms of like, you don't have
to make a solid life decision of,Oh, if I date you, you're my husband,
because there's this clock and liketick tocking in the back of your mind.
(24:07):
You get what I'm saying?
Like you can enjoy it and have fun.
And I think that's probably one of.
The biggest cost that we pay, I saywe because I was part of it, of seeing
college as I'm just here for my degree.
Brittany Sharpton (24:22):
Yes, you said so much.
I and a lot of my friends and I'msure a lot of your friends too.
That's why you said you'rea self proclaimed unicorn
because you're an outlier.
We looked at college as It's a means toget your degree to catapult your career.
There was, I mean, of course, youknow, some people dated, some people
(24:45):
married their college sweetheart.
You're one of them, but that wasmore of the exception than the rule.
And it wasn't because that's notsomething that I wanted to explore.
I sincerely, and I'm thinking naive,18, 19, 20, 21 year old Brittany had
zero idea that that should even be.
Right.
You know, I'm trying to remove the focus.
(25:06):
It just wasn't
right now.
It seems so silly and crazy thatthat did not dawn on me whatsoever.
But I'm just curious.
How do you think besidespeople blatantly having these
conversations with young women?
(25:26):
We can change that because it isincreasingly difficult for women
in general, but especially forBlack women who want partnership.
Beverley Andre (25:35):
Here's, I, think we put too much at stake on Black
women as opposed to the men.
My son will tell you through andthrough, I was never a part of his plan.
His goal was to, he's told me this andit's going on among our friend groups.
He's like, I came to college to getthis degree and to graduate early.
And he did, he graduatedin three years, not four.
(25:57):
I was not part of his planbecause he was laser focused.
But you know, it's me.
It was me.
So, you know, a littlealteration, but think about it.
Like the messages that men receivethat black men receive, you go
to college, you can have fun.
You can have all the hoes.
You have all the women.
(26:18):
Oh, why tie yourself down?
Da, da, da, da, da.
So the messaging is either the messagingthat if we're against the Black
population, women get that degree, youbetter graduate, men, you better have fun,
you better get it with all these girls,that, that, that, that, that, right?
So it goes like this.
Right.
You never intersect, butyou know who do intersect?
(26:42):
Becky.
Brittany Sharpton (26:44):
I mean, maybe not.
Okay.
This is another thingthat I want to talk about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Becky,
Maria Carolina, whatever,we'll stick with that.
They will go to their sorority activitiesand parties and be handstanding,
(27:07):
drinking beer, twerking, whatever, andsomehow still get more respect than
let me, let me go out and remotelywhere, uh, I'm, I'm from Miami and
with Uncle Luke and our little hoochie.
Live by a different set ofrules on campus, off campus.
(27:28):
And interestingly enough, this wasactually a couple of months ago.
This black man had the audacity.
I was, I'd gone out with him acouple of times and the conversations
somehow segwayed into sex, sexual.
And I told him that I'm celibate.
Now I'm thinking, One, when I think backon it, I didn't even owe him, whatever,
(27:50):
I didn't even have to say any of that.
His first reaction, you would thinkif that's not for him, then he just,
alright, that's not for you, you keepit moving, you go on to the next person.
He said, white girls don't do that, andthey're getting wifed up left and right.
I looked at him and said, Negro, youhave the audacity to tell me as a black
(28:10):
man, when you know the set of rules foryou and Billy are not the same one, I
don't care what Sarah or Tasha is doing.
Those are my belt.
Like that's where I amright now in my dating life.
So you respect it or you don't.
And I, I don't, unfortunately I can'toperate in this society by her rules.
(28:32):
You don't even judge me thesame way that she judged.
Sarah, people are still asking at thisbig ol age, how many sexual partners you
have, just all sorts of crazy stuff that,I mean, I hate to just sound like I'm
venting, but it's, you, you are sayingcertain things that are like triggering
certain memories that are still going on.
Beverley Andre (28:52):
Well, Now, I think that just such a, it's such a sad statement
one, because he's assuming that yoursubsea journey is contingent on you
trying to become a wife as opposedto it's your own personal journey for
whatever reason to, yeah, there aredifferent rules for different people,
(29:16):
different rules for different genders.
different rule for differentage groups, and I think it would
You know, I think it would be remissof me to not call to that fact.
(29:37):
There's certain people there, the goodold boys club, let boys be boys, just
being a boy versus, you know, Sarah.
Oh, she had the wild, times andwhatever, but she's, you know,
Sally Holmbaker now, whatever.
And a black woman, like you gota scarlet letter on your chest.
(30:01):
You are that girl from college.
Oh, he married her, her.
You get what I'm saying?
Like it's levels to it.
And even in that conversation,it was perpetuated.
Brittany Sharpton (30:17):
It was, I felt so insulted and it, it brought me back to
black women already are over sexualized.
It stems back from slavery.
I mean, there's the Jezebelstereotype it's, it's, we either
are too much or we need to be tamed.
(30:37):
We take up too much space.
We take up too much space.
You know, like, if you see a video ofa group of Black women, say, on a girls
trip, are doing something, it's, it'sthis heavy critique when they're having
a good time, but another group of womendo, oh, they're just, oh, you know,
they, you know, free, enjoying life.
(30:58):
We do it.
That's exactly why y'all ain't married.
That's why y'all gonna end upwith your cat alone and single.
It's frustrating because I love Black men.
Like, I really To your point, and I'mgonna finally have to start to listen.
I want to expand and, and likepeople say you need to focus on
(31:19):
and love those who want you back.
Like that's probably rule number one.
Woo.
That's huge.
I can't help that.
Unfortunately, colorism is a thing.
I have four C hair, Ihave full black features.
I'm a blacky black woman,a proud blacky black woman.
(31:39):
But if, being racially ambiguous,looking mixed, or your hair curls
up in the shower, or you know,you have certain features that
make you look more Eurocentric.
If that is more desirable to a certaindemographic, there's nothing that
I can do to try to make myself, norshould I, more attractive to you.
(32:02):
So if me, finding love happens to lookdifferent, and I think that's probably
what's going to end up happeningthan what I envisioned in my head.
I guess that's what I have to do, butBeverly, I do not want to be criticized.
People are then going to, you know,they'll say, Well, when a black
man does it and he ends up witha white girl, y'all are all mad,
but then you all do X, Y, and Z.
(32:23):
So I'm just curious, based onwhat you see, there's a difference
Beverley Andre (32:27):
in my mind.
At the end of the day, even if it'sdifferent, it doesn't mean it's bad.
It can be different from the vision.
It doesn't mean it's bad or less.
And I think that's howwe honor visions, right?
Like Dwayne and Whitley.
Everyone wants a Dwayne.
You want that Platt Webster and there'snothing wrong with that, even if you
(32:49):
don't end up with that picture of it.
Two, I feel that there's a differencebetween lusting after someone Like
attraction, lusting after someoneand looking for a partnership,
like the qualities of a partner.
Like, do you want to be attractedto your forever life partner?
Absolutely.
(33:10):
And if all you have as a basis for yourlife partner is features, then what's
going to happen when you get older?
You're going to cycle them throughbecause the reason why you chose that life
partner was based off of just attraction.
(33:30):
So it can't just be one thing.
It has to be the entire package.
And so for you, you're like, I'mblack and black with 4C here.
And that's still enough.
And it's still enough for yourlife partner who will grease your
scalp and get your bonnet and putit on for you when it slides off.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I love it.
Like, I think it's important tonote timeframe because time is real.
(33:54):
Especially thinking aboutbiological clocks, thinking
about just, all of those things.
Like, I don't want to take any of thatfor granted or to be like, Oh girl,
he will come because I can't say that.
Like, I'm not the person who'sgoing to bring him to you.
You know what I'm saying?
Brittany Sharpton (34:14):
I am so happy that you said that.
So many people I find, youknow, other Black women.
I mean, I love us, but we'll say,Oh yeah, girl, you know, you just
need to pray a little bit harder.
Beverley Andre (34:28):
The one thing about it, prayer did not bring on a partner.
Can you say
Brittany Sharpton (34:31):
that
Beverley Andre (34:32):
literally one more time?
Prayer is not somethingthat brings on a partner.
You gotta be out there.
You gotta be out there.
You gotta be meeting people.
And like, haven't, I callit low stakes states.
Just because you go on a date doesn'tmean that, Oh, that's my husband.
And I, like my pastor said this notthat long ago, he was like, some of
y'all need to not date in secret.
You can date in privacy,but don't date in secret.
(34:53):
You have a core group ofpeople that you trust.
Bring them around, bring them aroundme because I can also, if people
that you trust can see certain thingsthat you may just not be able to see.
And so you can bring somebodyaround who are friends who respect
privacy as opposed to, Oh, we, wejust all out here and everybody.
(35:15):
No, we get it.
If it don't work out.
I get it.
And also I think that's, and that'sone of the biggest differences too,
between Black culture at a certainsocioeconomic level and other cultures.
They literally help people matchmake.
(35:37):
Like they are matchmakers.
I've seen it so many couples, likeI've had South Asia, I have South
Asian couples who were set up byparents who are set up by friends.
I have white couples who are like, Oh,my, golfing buddy, like it's very much a
collective situation as opposed to blackfolks on a certain socioeconomic status.
(36:01):
And that's important to know,it's, it's, let me softwash.
An arm or you know what I'm saying, likeyou, these are just done in secrecy or
people don't even know that you're reallylooking for someone or they don't know the
type of person that you're looking for.
So
Brittany Sharpton (36:18):
I feel, I feel attacked cause I'm definitely one of
those people who I've always said.
I will never post a man until I can,I just feel this sense of, hey, if
and when it doesn't work out, nowI'm going to have to delete all the
pictures or I'm going to jinx myself.
But
Beverley Andre (36:35):
two It's not about posting.
There's a difference between people knowthat you're dating and you're posting it,
versus I'm dating in privacy and my corepeople know 'cause you have to be mindful
one, and I think it's a safety thing.
Like, God forbid, just anythinghappens that at least people can
know who you're dealing with.
And they can look out forthings, you get what I'm saying?
(36:56):
Like different behaviors, Godforbid, something happens to you.
They're like, Oh, well, I knowshe's with such and such as
much information as possible.
You get what I'm saying?
Like there's people sometimes willallow the possibility of shame
and embarrassment to isolate them.
And this is like, Oh my goodness.
Brittany Sharpton (37:14):
You, you are speaking to my wounded soul.
The fear of being embarrassed.
Shame guilt every year thatI get closer and closer to a
certain to my half of 80 stage.
It's I already feel admittedly lessthan or you failed in that department.
(37:38):
You're successful on paperand all these other fields.
But what is wrong withyou where you can't?
Wow.
And
Beverley Andre (37:47):
who and what you want to achieve in that department, whose voice
is that, who gets to dictate your value?
My therapist always tellsme this, like, who is the
authoritative voice in your life?
Because whoever that voice is,that is what you will submit to.
(38:08):
The belief system, the things thatthey say, like who, if it's not you
and your voice for me, if my voice isnot God, I will submit to the wilds
of whoever the standards of whoever,and it's like, I'm letting other
people dictate a time frame for me.
I'm letting people dictatesuccess for me, love, happiness.
Brittany Sharpton (38:33):
You are absolutely 10 percent correct.
It's just, you're right.
Beverley Andre (38:41):
Where's the shame and embarrassment coming from?
And okay, so you're embarrassed.
Why is that a huge thing as opposedto, it's an emotion I get to feel.
That I'm old, I can't feel embarrassed.
And it not, and it not, like, overtake me.
Or take me down.
Brittany Sharpton (38:59):
One, you're correct.
I have, and I'm working through this,let other people's opinions on this.
Dictate too much of not only how Ishow up, but how I think of myself
caring too much about what otherpeople think, because if I really
honestly just sit and think about itfor me, I've always thought, Oh, okay.
(39:21):
Yeah, I'm gonna get married.
I'm gonna have my familylive happily ever after.
But sincerely, and thisis a recent revelation.
I've become comfortable recentlysaying, if that doesn't happen, I'm
not going to let that stop, you know,me from progressing forward or me
from never being happy because thatwasn't a box that I couldn't check.
(39:44):
And then also I verymuch want to be a mother.
Like I've always wanted to be a mom.
And when I thought about things, Ibadly wanted, I want this relationship
because I figured, Oh, you need toget with this person to have this.
But with all these non traditional pathsto motherhood, I feel fortunate that I
(40:08):
did freeze my eggs almost 10 years ago.
So I'm like, Brittany, If there is abiological clock, and I mean, I can't
ignore that, I have to sit with what doyou really want out of this life and how
are you, what steps can you take thatare not contingent upon somebody else?
Because honestly, Beverly, if it wasjust about, hey, I wanted to log on to my
(40:33):
Lynx Incorporated membership directory,
that's the term for husband.
I can find one of these spin the blockersand I'm sure by quarter two of next
year, if it was just to marry anybody.
I can get a husband.
I mean, I can go out right nowto a happy hour and find somebody
and okay, that's my husband, butis this something that I want?
(40:55):
And I feel like, like you said, I willfeel fulfilled and safe and like I
can grow and build with this person.
So I'm just curious your thoughts andwhat you see, like, Is marriage still in
2024, the ultimate goal and should it be?
Beverley Andre (41:14):
You know, I honestly feel like this is like a question
of self worth and it's coming upbecause of course, my therapist
ran me to the ground with it today.
And he was like, whatmakes up your self worth?
What fuels it?
Because.
If it's a whole bunch of externalthings, if they're not present, then
(41:34):
you don't feel like you're enough.
You don't feel like you're worth it.
So if I'm not married,are you still enough?
If you're not a mother,are you still enough?
If you're not this, you know, billionaireor whatnot, are you still enough?
You get what I'm saying?
For a lot of people, lifepartnership marriage is a
(41:55):
goal that they want to reach.
They have this desire and I get it.
I understand it.
Like we are not made to live life alone.
But the thing is it doesn'tnecessarily mean that it has
to be a romantic partnership.
You know, it can be incommunity within community.
(42:19):
But I do feel like for some marriagehas become this ultimate goal
because some of our expectationsof what marriage or what we believe
marriage will give us feels ultimate.
My best friend, my peace, my, likeall of these things, you come, you
(42:39):
walk into a marriage with theseexpectations that your partner will just.
Heal the inner child in you, or justbe the best lover, be your best friend.
No one can live under those expectations.
No one can meet those expectationsconsistently, ever, ever.
(42:59):
Right.
They can't.
You make a good, sorry, go ahead.
No, no, no.
So I feel like if someone thinks aboutit as like, Oh, it's the ultimate goal
is because they want that ultimatefeeling, that ultimate thing that
they believe comes with marriage.
And it's just like, you're still witha very imperfectly created person.
Brittany Sharpton (43:19):
And see, that's something that I.
I mean, it's not that I was totallyignorant to what you just said, but
I definitely was one of those peoplethat felt like, Oh, once I reached this
milestone, then this, and once I hit,you know, you think, Hey, once I buy my
first house, then this, okay, I did that.
(43:41):
Once I get this
Beverley Andre (43:42):
job,
Brittany Sharpton (43:43):
then that, once I do.
And because I definitely thought,Oh, well, once I'm in this.
relationship than this, but I'm like,
it's what it's no one else.
I don't believe, like, I don'tlike when people say, Oh, you know,
(44:04):
this person has made me whole.
They just, you know,they just completed me.
Come on.
You come to me or if I'm notcompleted or whole, when I come
to you, it's not going to work.
I don't want a broken person, Britney.
So when I finally realized that I'm like,I put this extra pressure, one on myself
(44:25):
and on the institution of marriage, allof a sudden when we sign that paper,
when we jump the broom and have this bigparty, when we go back home after the
honeymoon, what substantially is going tochange that wasn't there before, either
in yourself or in that relationship?
And when I sat with that Beverly,that's when I finally became more
comfortable with the relationship.
(44:46):
If that didn't happen, I would be moreokay than I previously did some years ago.
And I'm proud of that growth.
But that still does not stop mefrom, you know, when you go outside,
you're like, Oh, maybe this maybe the day that this happens.
And to your point, I wisharranged marriages were
popular in the black community.
(45:07):
And it's not just certain socialeconomic statuses, whether you
are creme de la creme high echelonor clean it from the project.
I don't think we.
They don't, unless theyleft me out, Jack and
Beverley Andre (45:21):
Jill's,
Brittany Sharpton (45:22):
I
Beverley Andre (45:23):
mean, I've heard nothing I've heard and I've
seen a lot of not necessarilyarranged marriages, but proximity.
Family, wealth, name,legacy, plays a part.
These sorority andfraternity auxiliary groups,
(45:48):
when it's time for the cotillions andyou have to pick a part, it plays apart.
I'm not saying thatthey're forcing them, but
Brittany Sharpton (45:58):
see, when you say that, it makes me even more frustrated because
I feel like we've done the Jack and Jill.
I'm a member of the link.
I'm in a sorority.
I'm a girlfriend.
I've done, what's the name of that book?
This is us.
And we, what's that book called?
Anyway, there's some book about theseblack organizations that were created.
(46:21):
Like I joined them, it wasn't to look fora husband because I sincerely connected
with the mission and values and I wantedto be a part of these organizations.
But to your point, youare absolutely yet again,
Beverley Andre (46:37):
correct.
You like, I have to say the quiet partloud because I've had some of these
couples as clients and they're like, Ohyeah, like in New York, Oh, it's a thing.
Louisiana is a thing.
In Texas it is a thing.
(46:59):
It's done very quietly, but it is a thing.
Brittany Sharpton (47:04):
I wish it was done more out loud because
it needs to be more of a thing.
Because in my mind, that is themost pragmatic way to match people.
I don't find anything wrong with it.
And as I'm talking throughthis, you're so right.
There is this.
What did your pastor say?
Secrecy?
No.
Privacy versus secrecy?
(47:25):
Privacy versus secrecy.
Beverley Andre (47:27):
Like, when we're, oh, the girls who know, the mothers who know, no.
Brittany Sharpton (47:31):
Yeah.
Okay.
So are you saying the couples that yousee, not all of them, obviously, but
the ones that we're referencing, Oreven what your pastor said, if we were
more vocal and less shameful about beingsingle, just saying, Hey, I'm looking,
then maybe the outcomes will be better.
Beverley Andre (47:49):
I'm not saying it's a one to one, but there is something to be
said around you doing stuff in isolation.
And here's the thing, likehe literally said this, like
maybe a couple of weeks ago.
And I never thought about itlike that in terms of, there is
still value to your core peoplebeing able to give you insight.
Obviously you want to know if youhave genuine feelings for that person.
(48:12):
I am not saying y'all startdating on Friday by Monday.
You get what I'm saying?
Like, I get the importance of youbeing able to establish, like,
do I actually like this person?
And once I know this, before I become inlove or even more invested, let me see
how they operate around my core people.
(48:35):
The people that I know who have my back,who have my best interest at heart.
Let me invite him to go church with me.
Let me like really, really tight-knit.
Still private people who will protectyour privacy and also look out for you.
I think there's so much value in that.
I think that's something, previousgenerations, like courtship was done
(48:56):
publicly, like there, there's somethingto be said about value in that, a sense
of protection and also that person knowingthat you got people who are checking
Brittany Sharpton (49:09):
and have
Beverley Andre (49:09):
your back.
Brittany Sharpton (49:09):
Oh my god, Beverly, but this is, have you, or
maybe you're so out of the game,so maybe you can't speak to this.
This is what I have found with someof these men's, and I'm talking about
people in their late thirties, forties,deep into their real manly hood.
(49:31):
You're moving too fast.
I don't want to meet certain people inyour circle, because I completely agree.
I don't mind bringing peoplearound to my inner circle if I'm,
you know, close with my family.
Meet my sister.
Meet friends who I know will respect myprivacy, but also may glean on things
that I may be, Wearing rose coloredglasses about on the flip side, you
(49:53):
have these people at this big old age.
That should have been thered flag to my crazy ass.
Anyway, as I say it out loud,I answer my own damn question.
Beverley Andre (50:01):
Next, Brittany.
It's information, two words,information and boundaries.
Okay.
When you have a boundary and a certainstandard in which you want to live
your life and you tell someone,Hey, I would like for you to meet my
core people and oh, it's too early.
That's information.
Okay.
(50:22):
So when do you believeis an appropriate time?
And if you're like, well, after ayear or two years, and if that don't
work for you, say, you know what?
I get that.
And also I'm notnecessarily aligned in that.
Are you willing to compromise with me?
And maybe how about sixmonths in of us dating?
And then if they concede or whatnot,and they're like, okay, sure.
(50:45):
And six months and a six monthtimeframe comes and you're like, I
really want you to meet my people.
We talked about, we said six months.
And you're like, Oh, well, I don't, uh,uh, uh, uh, that is information because
one, when we made the compromise, when wehad the conversation, we had a decision
that you're not honoring the decision.
If something for you changed,you have an opportunity to
(51:07):
say what has changed for you.
If you see that they are not inalignment, you need to have a self
conversation with yourself and said, okay.
We talked about this.
We agreed on this.
This person is not changing their mind.
Didn't let me know that theywere changing their mind.
What does this mean for me?
Is it that important forme for them to meet him?
And that's the make or break it?
(51:28):
Or am I okay withwaiting it out some more?
Whatever that answer is for youtells you how you honor yourself.
mean, everybody is different.
Everybody is different.
Brittany Sharpton (51:44):
Everyone is different.
And even you saying that though,Beverly, because one of my issues
is I am quick to cut somebody off.
Like probably too quick.
I mean, my own dad has criticized.
You've lost out on opportunities, not justromantically in business and other things
because I think it's a defense mechanism.
As soon as I sent something like, Mmm,I would never, if I said, Where, I
(52:09):
mean, at this age, he's at 90 to threemonths in, you can't meet someone.
I wouldn't even, is that weird?
He puts too much
Beverley Andre (52:17):
stake on age.
Okay.
Okay.
Maturity is not contingent on age.
That is very, you're, you know what?
Thank you.
I'll go.
Okay.
You have to be mindful if you'rehypersensitive when it comes to
conflict, because any form of resistance,you're going to be like, Oh, I'm out.
And it's like, conflict gives youan opportunity for greater intimacy.
It allows you to build trust.
How do you know if you can trustsomething and there's no stress that's
(52:40):
applied, like You know what I'm saying?
Like, you don't trust a chairjust by looking at the chair.
You sit in it.
You like, you're eatingme up like your therapist.
You're eating me up today.
That conversation, likeyou have to give grace.
Like, I feel like conflictis one of the biggest gifts.
And I, I say this and I know it doesn'tfeel good when you're going through
(53:04):
it, but conflict is such a gift becausethink about how it feels to be on the
other side of it and how close you onthe other side of it in a healthy way
where you've communicated and you resolvethings and you've repaired how close you
feel, how secure you feel, how heard youfeel like that is something over time.
It's like, Oh, this is, we are good.
(53:27):
We are good.
Like that is We're not struggling,but we're navigating life's
challenges together, and we're stillfinding our ability to be in sync.
And even if we can't find it forourselves, we're seeking help.
We're going to wise counsel.
We're going to a couple's therapist.
We're seeking advice from our past.
(53:48):
Like the behaviors.
gives you so much information.
But somebody's like flighty and youcan't have a basic conversation with
me and figure out how to compromise.
There's something that you said there.
There, there's some work.
Brittany Sharpton (54:02):
You are a thousand percent correct.
I do notice that I willcut people off prematurely.
And that is a response to me givingpeople a chance, and it's unfortunate,
it's not, it's unfair for me to carryover baggage or trauma from something
else and put those same things, it'slike I recognize that, so I'm just
(54:25):
trying to actively work through it,but when you were talking about.
The one year and the six months.
I know it's for the sake of the example.
I was like, you know what, Brittany,I probably would have said, Oh,
you don't want to meet my peoplebecause you're not that into me.
Find somebody that you want tomeet their parents or whatever.
And then, but I'm gonna work on it.
(54:46):
Oh my God.
The question
Beverley Andre (54:47):
was, I'm unsure how you feel about me.
That was the real question, but Ididn't feel vulnerable to ask that.
Brittany Sharpton (54:55):
Yeah, you're right.
I did not feel safe enough tobe that vulnerable because I did
not want that to be weaponized.
And that is a theme.
See, I bet Beverly's like,that's why your ass is single.
It's not so contingent on you, you're
Beverley Andre (55:12):
only one half of a relationship.
Brittany Sharpton (55:13):
Thank you for being, oh my god, I can't believe,
wait a minute Beverly, I wanted toask something that, it was two things,
I think you wrote this article.
Spinning the block, spinning the block.
Yeah,
Beverley Andre (55:24):
Dominique, from Essence.
She's, I think the lifestyle editor.
She wrote an articleabout spinning the block.
Prior to you commenting.
Yeah.
She asked me for my opinion.
Brittany Sharpton (55:33):
Miss Beverly.
Yes.
When, if ever, is it okayor does it make sense?
To spin the block, and I'm going to leavemy comments until after what you have
to say, because I emphatically have a,
Beverley Andre (55:50):
but I mean.
It's contingent on the person.
I, like, I think aboutjust numerous factors.
Why did y'all break up?
Cause sometimes you could break upbecause it's just not the right timing.
Right.
That some people feel like,Oh, we were just too young.
Like we were in high school, wewere in college, or I got out
this relationship and I met you,but I felt like it was too soon.
(56:13):
So there's so many reasons.
So why did y'all break up?
If there was an issue that waspresent that if there was an issue
in the relationship that causedthe breakup to happen, Yeah.
Is the issue still present now?
Do you see change behavior?
Do you still have romanticfeelings currently for them?
(56:37):
Or is it past feelings that are coming up?
Because nostalgia can be a drug.
That feel good feeling like, oh, thosetimes we can, romanticize the past and
think it's what you're currently feeling.
So like, are you still attracted to them?
Are you attracted to the person thatthey are today and not who they were?
Brittany Sharpton (56:59):
Yeah.
Beverley Andre (57:00):
I
Brittany Sharpton (57:01):
wholeheartedly hear you because I was against spinning the block.
I always felt like, and maybe again,you're going to say this is wrong.
If a relationship doesn't work out,save for it being the wrong timing,
if a man decides to come back, thisactually just happened a couple weeks
ago, unless you approach me and say,like a mature human being, Hey, Brittany.
(57:24):
I know it didn't work out before.
I recognize X, Y, andZ on both of our parts.
However, I would like to see ifyou're receptive to trying again.
That's one thing.
But when you be sending these textmessages, literally after not talking to
someone a year plus, I always thought menjust do it to make sure they still have
access to you and to stroke their ego.
(57:45):
Like I never really thought.
that they were interestedin something serious.
They just wanted to waste time.
But you're saying something that may
Beverley Andre (57:53):
be true.
And don't put your energy into makingan assumption because if that's
their intention, it'll become clear.
There's like, for real, there's really nopoint in you trying to make assumptions
as to why someone is spinning the block.
Let what they say and whatthey do speak for itself.
(58:13):
If they are genuinely interested insomething serious, it will be known.
If they're playing games,They're consistent.
They just want to, because here'sthe thing, if it's going to strike
their ego, you don't know ifsomething's stroking their ego.
Why do you, why do you want to find out?
Why do you care?
Why do you need to know?
That's all a power play.
Like it's not worth your energy to tryand figure out what their initiatives are.
Brittany Sharpton (58:37):
You know, Beverly, I know we connected on this thing.
I'm like, I'm gonna have to go to yourwebsite that I have a lot of work to do
because Everything else, I was with you
Beverley Andre (58:46):
here.
No, it's cause think about it.
Cause how will you ever know forsure if you are just hitting me up?
Maybe they're trying to spinthe blog and they are genuine,
but they, it feels awkward.
They don't know if you would belike, people are awkward, especially,
(59:08):
you know, if you're not emotionallyintelligent or you're good with words.
So, the only thing you can really do islike, Hey, you send a text, I hear you.
I'm doing well.
Thank you for asking.
However, I'm in a place in my life whereI'm only entertaining serious things.
Please.
If you are uninterested, just goneabout your business and not so whatever
(59:30):
it turns, you get what I'm saying?
Like you can just take it upon yourselfto be like, this is my boundary.
, don't flippantly text me late at night.
Don't.
Oh, it's okay.
And if they don't respectthem, you got a block button.
You got to do that.
Disturb.
You, you don't have toentertain that energy.
Brittany Sharpton (59:50):
Okay.
I'm like saying I'm processing becauseI'm like, dang, maybe I am very
controlling and want to feel this powerplay because I want to know why, like
I'll ask point blank why and, well,you can't like, why, wait, why, what?
Like I asked and theygot defensive and okay.
(01:00:12):
I asked straight up on day two after thestupid mindless surface level texting,
hey, why did you reach out to me?
It was so random after nearly 18 months.
I wanted to know.
I didn't first, your recommendation was,I should have said, Hey, these are my
boundaries and then evaluate how they act.
(01:00:34):
But I just said, I justwanted to know, are you nosy?
Did you want to see if I'm still single?
Well, I don't think there's anything wrong
Beverley Andre (01:00:42):
with the question.
Okay.
there's nothing wrongwith, with your question.
Like when I get that example, I'mjust probably thinking about what
I may have said, like, I'm one ofthose, like, like, Hey, I'm a, I'm a,
Have a conversation, but don't thinkthere's anything wrong with like, Hey,
like, why are you texting me granted?
Some people can read it ina different tone of voice.
(01:01:03):
Maybe that's why he got defensive.
Who knows?
But that's why I scheduled
Brittany Sharpton (01:01:07):
a zoom because we weren't I was Traveling.
Because you're right.
To own his heart.
So I said, I would prefer tohave this conversation in person,
but let's have a video chat.
I don't even want a phone callbecause I want to look at you and
ask, Hey, obviously I responded.
That means that I'm at leastsemi receptive, but I want
to know why you reached out.
Because if you're just looking fora pen pal and a phone buddy, yeah.
(01:01:29):
I, I talk enough on the phoneand I type too much for work.
I don't need that.
Like I got enough friends.
So
Beverley Andre (01:01:36):
yeah.
Brittany Sharpton (01:01:36):
And their response was, well, I just came back in two seconds ago.
I mean, we still need to get to
that's information.
And then
Beverley Andre (01:01:47):
it ain't nothing that cut that.
'cause if you're texting mewithout purpose, that means
you don't have a plan for me.
You don't have a plan for us.
Brittany Sharpton (01:01:55):
Beverly, do you have a book?
Do you have a book thatwe can plug or something?
Because all these one liners, I'mlike, these bars, you set five of them.
If you don't have a, can you say it
Beverley Andre (01:02:06):
again about you don't have a plan?
If you don't have a plan, like, if he hadno purpose in texting you, then he doesn't
have a plan for y'all, for us, like,
you know, the whole scripture,if the people have no vision,
then they will perish.
Like you have no vision, you haveno purpose, no goal for texting me.
He just decided to, thatmeans you're not serious.
That is information and youshould pay attention to it and
(01:02:27):
observe and make a decision.
There's nothing wrong withyou asking the question.
He gave you the answer that hehad, not the one that he planned.
And you already knew what time it was.
Brittany Sharpton (01:02:37):
Beverly, oh my gosh, I know, because this has been, there's
just so, I mean, I feel like this couldhave been like part five, because I
may, I'm still going to ask you, Idon't care, you may ignore me, I'm
still asking you for a part two, becauseI didn't even scratch the surface of
all the stuff I wanted to talk about.
You talked about pragmatically dating,whether it's okay to date There's
just so much, but if people which Iknow they're going to love you, want
(01:03:01):
to learn more about you, or work withyou, or just see what you're up to.
How can they find you?
Beverley Andre (01:03:06):
On socials, on Instagram, Beverly Andre with an L E Y,
B E V E R L E Y A N D R E underscore,because someone stole my name, so.
Brittany Sharpton (01:03:20):
Okay.
And right, you can just Google her too.
I mean, tons of stuff pops up.
is there anything that you'reworking on that you want
Beverley Andre (01:03:27):
Um, I'm actually, um, let's see, we're in fall, so I just
finished like a cohort of engaged couples.
I did premarital coaching for them, andI just finished that up, so I'm gonna
be launching another cohort in January.
Also, only for people that are engaged,y'all are discriminating again.
I actually know that I've had, acouple who was seriously dating
(01:03:48):
to get, well, they're engaged now.
I'm so happy for them, but theystarted premarital therapy before they
got engaged because they were like,we want to like get the tools and
everything before, we make it official.
I had two couples actually, who weredating before they got engaged and then
they went through the program and it was.
(01:04:12):
They absolutely loved it.
So
Brittany Sharpton (01:04:14):
yeah, you said something else.
Okay.
So one congrats on that too.
You answered a question that wason my list that I didn't ask.
Yes, you can get counseling.
You do not need to be married to see.
Beverley Andre (01:04:26):
I honestly feel like that's part of the best gift
that you can give your relationshipbefore you get even more invested.
And these tools are applicable in life.
Like the way we be digging deepin communication, like people just
don't know how to communicate period.
So just cause.
You think you can communicatewith your homegirls on me, you
can communicate with your partner.
(01:04:47):
Your homeboys don'tcommunicate like your, like,
Brittany Sharpton (01:04:51):
you know?
And just because you see a couple'scounselor or therapist does not mean
that your relationship is broken.
Beverley Andre (01:04:59):
No, it means that you want a fire relationship.
You want a solid foundation.
Brittany Sharpton (01:05:05):
Thank you so much.
Oh my gosh.
This is awesome.
Thank you, Beverly.
This was such a layered, honest, I justfeel the sincerity through the screen.
Thank you for tuning into, to tell you the truth.
If you connect it with today'sconversation, please share,
subscribe, rate, and review.
It helps us grow this incredibletruth, tribe, community.
(01:05:27):
You can find us wherever you listento podcasts and follow on social
media for the latest updates.
Until next time, keep it realand keep showing up for yourself.
Thank you for listeningand I'll see you next week.
Hey, everyone.
Welcome to, to tell you thetruth, the podcast, where
the group chat comes to life.
I'm your host, Brittany Sharpton.
And each week we dive into thosejuicy conversations, usually reserved
just for our closest friends.
Stories about love, wellness,careers, and personal growth.
This is your space for unfilteredhonesty, shared laughs, and maybe even
(00:24):
a little self discovery along the way.
So grab a cup of coffeeor a glass of wine.
Settle in and let's get real,because to tell you the truth,
our stories deserve to be heard.
Let's get started.
Today's guest is Beverly Andre,licensed marriage and family therapist,
(00:45):
also known as your favorite MFT.
Beverly is a powerhouse in therelationship space, helping Black
and Brown couples build healthy,fun, and passionate relationships.
Her insights have been featured oneverywhere from Netflix to Essence.
Beverly's work is all about dismantlingmyths, breaking down barriers, and
(01:07):
getting real about the narrativesthat shape our relationships.
We'll explore the unspoken truths behindrelationship dynamics and why emotional
vulnerability and communication Is thefoundation of authentic connection.
This is a must listen if you'renavigating the complexities of love
and desire real non sugar coated talk.
(01:29):
This conversation led me to an evendeeper introspective part of myself.
self regarding relationships anddynamics, but it also reminded me that
I must extend myself a lot more grace.
So I really hope that you enjoylistening to this discussion just
as much as I enjoyed having it.
Let's get started.
(01:51):
I just was saying.
Had I known better and just got meone of them on campus, but see, I
didn't, I didn't, I didn't know.
But anyway, you were sayingabout the unicorn life.
Beverley Andre (02:04):
So I'm very mindful because of my personal background.
Like I'm part of like the unicorn crewthat like my husband and I found each
other like freshman year in collegeand we started dating sophomore year.
So I think it's important toknow because even for people.
who may have started datingin college and may have gotten
(02:26):
married in like their thirties.
I think there is a very unique journeydating in college, dating post college,
dating in your thirties, in your forties.
Cause there's just so much researchthat does, you know, give very dismal
numbers around like the older you areas a black woman, the lower your chances
(02:48):
are of finding forever partnership,which I completely buck against.
I think there's a lot of factorsthat play into, finding forever
partners as you get older.
Like, are you able to expand onage range, race and ethnicity?
Like, can you, is there some flexibility?
But the reason why I want tocaution that is because my
(03:09):
experience was just so unique to me.
And I do think that it is hardsometimes for single women to hear.
A perspective of a married person who theywant their person forever in a day about
dating now, because it's so different.
It's wild.
Honestly, it's absolutely wild.
So that's why I said, like, I canspeak to it in terms of like preparing
(03:33):
yourself for partnership, communicating,expectations around dating and what
you're looking for in a partner.
But I am not the person to be like, Thisis what you need to do to find a man.
That is just not me.
Brittany Sharpton (03:45):
I appreciate that context and you being, because
everybody, especially with social mediaand the internet is a relationship.
Beverley Andre (03:54):
You need to stay in your lane.
No, for real, people need to stayin their lane and also operate with
a level of empathy and love becauseit's so touchy, especially for
people who really want partnership.
And then to hear advice.
From married women, it can come off verycondescending, like you don't get it.
(04:17):
And I think it's okay tobe like, you're right.
I don't get it.
And I'm here to support you.
Brittany Sharpton (04:22):
You know what I mean?
I think, you know what?
Normally I always have likesomething to say, but all I can
do is just, if you're not watchingthis on YouTube, I can just nod.
I so appreciate that.
I love it.
Exactly, exactly.
But there's still so much value.
You're right.
It's the way that you deliver it too.
(04:43):
I mean, I'm receptive to any sort of wayto improve, definitely in this facet.
But I have found with marriedwomen, let me, let me phrase this
in a, because if I say it a certainway, I come across as a hater.
We get a bad rap sometimes.
It's just the way, it's like, nomatter what happens, as soon as
(05:03):
you get that MRS and you sign thatpaperwork, it's like, It's a level of
status and superiority and the energy.
It's just,
Beverley Andre (05:12):
I've seen it.
Like, and this is fueled by society.
There's so many cultures whohone in your value to marriage.
Like your value is contingenton your relationship to a man.
Music (05:24):
Um,
Beverley Andre (05:27):
right.
Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh.
Brittany Sharpton (05:30):
Okay.
Okay.
There's so much.
All right.
There's so much.
Oh my gosh.
You like threw me off of my,I had this narrative arc, but
no, like you didn't get me.
I think it's okay.
I mean, girl, it's slow and like.
Thank you.
Let the Lord use you.
He's using you.
He's using you.
So I
(05:53):
appreciate it.
Okay.
It's so funny when you mentioned beingthe unicorn, one of my questions to you,
I'm curious just in your line of work andjust your personal experiences growing up.
See, I grew up in a loving,two parent household.
I am not knocking them in any way.
We were exposed to everythingthat you can possibly think of,
(06:15):
travel, every extracurricular,great education, top notch.
But when I think about my childhoodor even adolescent hood, I was never
taught How to date or relationshipsthat wasn't even a conversation and
it wasn't until it was like, because Ireally had to reflect and think, okay,
(06:38):
let me try to channel my childhoodself or take some accountability.
Like, how did I get here?
And there was never aconversation about relationships.
What to look for in a partner?
What does love look like?
It was, you get good grades, you don'tget any money for getting good grades.
Like that's the expect.
(06:58):
I mean, you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you're in principal's honor roll,you go to college, you better finish
in four years and you get a good job.
And then I had to figure it out.
on my own.
So I wanted to ask you, why do youthink, especially in Black households
with Black girls and women, thesesort of discussions don't take place?
(07:20):
Because other cultures, I won'tsay all the time, they be giving
tutorials on like what to do.
It's just not aconversation that I've had.
And I feel like that's anexperience for a lot of Black women.
Um, story time.
So
Beverley Andre (07:33):
I will say overall, right?
I'll start overall and then I'll hone in.
I believe based off of my work withcouples, things that I've read,
researched, my life experience, that, alot of cultures Put emphasis on model,
the behavior you want to see, theythink that just showing the behavior
(07:54):
is enough, which is why there are some,you know, some of my boomers who are
like, I don't need to say I love you.
I show it to you.
Right?
So it's like, you shouldbe paying attention.
You should be observant, but Ican stand inside of a garage and
look at all the components andit doesn't mean that I'm a car.
Right.
There's something very nuancedabout relationships that when you're
(08:18):
growing up, you look at whoever theprimary guardians are to you, if you
have them, mom, dad, uncle, grandma,grandpa, whoever, or even if it's
a single parent, who's also dating,
Music (08:29):
you
Beverley Andre (08:29):
look at them as models of these are my expectations
for relationships, whether it isovertly expressed, or if it's By
observation, a lot of older couplesbelieve that as long as you see it,
then you know what you should do.
You know what you shouldn't do.
And also a lot of them werenever like really instructed.
This is what you need to look out for.
(08:52):
This is what you need asyou're seeking for a partner.
A lot of it is tied to if theybelieve in God and they're in the
church, it hones down to a church.
A husband submits to God.
His wife submits to him andthe kids submit to the parent.
That's like the scope or a Proverbs 31woman, and you read that, and that is
(09:15):
your description of how you should beas a wife and there's space for that.
There's something to be said about.
the importance of spirituality andbelief as it relates to who you
believe you are in alignment with.
But how can you figure that out if youdon't have basic communication skills?
(09:39):
And I think a lot of what peoplethink that they should have when
seeking partnership is somethingthat's like, Oh, how did my parents
find the one or find each other?
It's not even external.
It's all internal work anda little bit of external.
Let me step back.
Internal work.
Are you aware of yourdesires of your heart?
(09:59):
Are you able to communicatethe desires of your heart?
Do you know what feels good to you?
What looks good to you?
Do you know what safety is for you?
Because even if your parents gave youadvice on this is what you look for in
a man, he needs to open up your door.
He needs to do all that.
He can open up your door and he's stillbeating your behind, behind closed doors.
(10:19):
You know what I mean?
So there are certain behaviors Ithink people look for in the tangible
that's like, that is not enough.
When you are with thisperson, do they listen to you?
Are they curious about you?
Do they care about your wellbeing?
Do they look out for your wellbeing?
Are they pushing you towards your family?
(10:40):
And or are they pulling you away?
Are they isolating you?
Do they honor you with their words?
Do their words and their behaviors match?
Are they in alignment?
What you say, what you do makesense together as a whole package.
Those are the thingsthat people should be.
Looking towards to when it comesto seeking partnership, are you
(11:01):
a good person because if you aretreating the people around you well,
then I can have an expectation.
Probably you will treat me.
Well, you can take that chance.
Do people switch up on you?
Absolutely.
However, you need to be able tolook at how that person is in
community and relationship with youand see if it makes sense for you.
(11:21):
Like safety, communication,alignment is so important.
And even if you didn't see that fromyour parents, or maybe if you did,
you know, what feels right for you.
But sometimes we hear different messages.
Oh, he's a good man.
Savannah.
It doesn't matter that he's married.
It doesn't matter that he got.
(11:41):
Like there's so many outside voicesthat end up countering what you
innately feel is right for you.
So be mindful of that and really be ableto kind of stick to your guns and honor
what it is that you need for yourself.
Because if you feel like you have todim yourself or get smaller to be with
someone, probably not your life partner.
Brittany Sharpton (12:08):
Ooh, you said it's more than a mouthful.
I got a body full.
There's so much.
There's so many different directions.
I could go.
What really resonated withme was what feels good.
Ironically, the older I get.
the more comfortable and confidentI am in terms of what I know or
(12:29):
what I think will work for me.
But then again, countering that afterexperiences that didn't work out, and
I thought that I can trust my gut, nowI'm second guessing myself even more.
Like you said, these outside forces,like, that's why sometimes I just have
to, like, give myself a social mediabreak because You don't know what,
like you said, somebody can be openingup your car door and knocking the
(12:52):
hell out of you, or you see all theseelaborate trips, and not saying, I love
elaborate trips and there are plentyof good men who will do this, but it's
just, you don't know what's going on.
So I'm just curious, how Can a singlewoman or man fully trust their feeling?
And I want to segue intosomething, Beverly, because I've
(13:13):
done the whole, Oh my gosh, thisman really makes me feel good.
I enjoy being around him.
I feel seen.
I feel heard, but he may be broke.
I've done the not pragmatic thing.
And then I said, let me be more pragmaticand try to look at characteristics
that don't necessarily like.
(13:35):
align with how I feeland that hasn't worked.
So what are your thoughts on?
Beverley Andre (13:40):
It's a both and to me.
Okay.
And I say both and like, youshouldn't compromise one for the
other because feeling has purpose,but it's not enough on its own.
So how I feel about you and what I seethat you're doing together, because
you may make me feel so different.
So wonderful and so loved, but Ican't trust you to be there for
(14:05):
me because you're not showingup for me or you are, you know,
emotionally unavailable, but you'rea provider, you know what I'm saying?
Like, yes, I do.
Why should you pickbetween the two as opposed?
Both of them matter because remember,I talked about sense of safety,
sense of safety is not just like myphysical presence is mentally safe,
(14:28):
emotionally safe, spiritually safe.
Like when I'm around you, does yourvoice cause me to second guess mine?
You know, are you consistentin your treatment with me?
So when we started thinking aboutlike, like, how do you figure out
which one to pick or what not, okay,you're emotionally safe and all these
wonderful things, but you're not six feettall, or you don't have the sexy job.
(14:52):
You're a blue collar worker, but youhave a job and it's consistent and you're
providing, you get what I'm saying?
Those are, I feel likeareas of compromise.
Because people, most of the time, whenthey start thinking about compromise,
it's like, I have this vision ofwhat a power couple is, or the type
of person that I should be with, asopposed to the person that I am with,
(15:13):
and how do I feel being with them.
I'm not saying that.
Oh, I can't remember who it was, but itwas this thing where, I can't remember.
I think she was a journalist maybe.
And they were saying, oh, soyou want to date a bus driver?
And she was like, no.
Oh, Ebony
Brittany Sharpton (15:29):
K.
Williams, right?
Who was talking about her.
Beverley Andre (15:33):
And I was just like, wow, like the way that people are criticizing
this woman for wanting what she wants, youknow, if that's, that's her preference,
that's what she wants, whatnot, whatever.
Let her have what she wants, even if shegets it, when she gets it, it doesn't
matter, but for certain people who dodesire a certain level of partnership,
(15:57):
right, being clear about what itis that you want, what it is that's
what you need, because if that personhas what you need, there are certain
things that you can, you know, okay,I don't have to have all the wants.
Right.
Nice to have, but those needs,those are uncompromising needs.
Definitely.
Yes.
Brittany Sharpton (16:17):
All right.
It's just, my mind is just, all thesetabs are open and you're saying something.
It's like you're reading my notes.
I'm like, does everyone she talks tohave the same concerns, but I just
have to, I hate to interrupt, butI have to segue and ask you this.
Okay, thank you so much for bringingup that instance about to this day.
It's so interesting.
I just was reading an articleand in the comments, they're
(16:42):
still referencing the bus driver.
Wow.
In my mind, I'm like, whatdoes it even matter to you what
someone else's preferences?
It's the same way.
It's not someone
Beverley Andre (16:53):
else's.
It's a black woman's preference becauseblack women shouldn't have preferences.
Can you say that?
Oh, my.
If we're gonna get to it, right?
If we're gonna get to it, if she was nothaving preference, it was that she was
a Black woman, and she has preferences,instead of her being okay with getting
what she, just getting whatever.
She wants what she deserves, andthey're like, well, why should you?
(17:16):
Because here's, because that piecewhere you were saying about, oh,
there's other cultures who puttheir kids on game and all of that.
I went to a PWI, apredominantly white institution.
It was very known around campus.
The education ladies.
The nursing ladies, whiteladies, I love them.
(17:40):
Cool.
Women.
But the first time I ever heard,get that ring before spring or by
spring was not from a black person.
I've never heard that from a black person.
Never.
Because the way in which
some.
(18:01):
Caucasian folks raise their kids.
They're young girls.
It's you find her a husband in college.
You marry the potential.
Oh, he's pre med.
Oh, he's a biology major.
Oh, he's an engineering major.
Oh, he's pre law.
Right.
Go ahead and get that.
Oh, he's from this family.
It's a very lucrative business.
(18:22):
Even black athletes.
Oh, he's positioned to be thisand that on the football team
or on the basketball team.
It was wildness hearing all of this,and I can say it because I've heard
it, it's about legacy for them.
It's about family name, as opposed tome, when I went to school, my parents
(18:44):
were like, you better focus on the books.
You better get your education.
There's a reason why Black womenare one of the most influential.
educated groups in America.
We are going to get, you know,people talk about those memes.
Oh, you broke up with a blackwoman and then she graduated
with her PhD a week later.
We are so educated because weare told education will give you
the freedom that you deserve.
Brittany Sharpton (19:06):
It's where the most highly educated group of women were the
fastest growing group of entrepreneurs.
We're the most innovativegroup on the planet.
That's fact.
However, when you lookat the relationships.
And it's not because, thereis anything wrong with us.
There's just so many systemic andhistorical and cultural layers to
(19:29):
unpack and peel back that I justwish people would look at it just
how you presented these things.
Because even talking to you, Beverly,I didn't even think about it.
You were right.
It was, like you said, youbetter get out of here in these
four years, get a good job.
No one ever said, and I wish, I wishsomeone would have said, hey, you have
(19:53):
a good, these four years you're hereon campus, proximity, proximity, you're
living right here with these people.
And
like, I feel like, especiallywith Black men, I went to
Penn, which is a white PWI too.
But in terms of overall,just quality, high earning,
(20:14):
innovative, and I've dated a lot.
I'm like, I missed out on my opportunity.
That really was what the tuition was for.
, I'm being facetious here,but I'm just saying.
No,
Beverley Andre (20:25):
but I really want you to think about that because there's a,
Brittany Sharpton (20:33):
when you talk about legacy and, and, oh my gosh,
Beverley Andre (20:36):
that tuition money is just an investment towards your future.
Because it's kind of like when you have,Paid internships and unpaid internships.
There's a certain group that'sable to afford unpaid internships.
I literally was talking to a girlfriendtoday and she literally was like, if
you go to the white house and you wantto do an internship, it is unpaid.
(20:59):
And if you look at the class ofinterns, you see who's able to afford
unpaid internship, which is why thecongressional black caucus has paid
internships because we majoritytypically cannot afford to have unpaid
internships because we need to work.
(21:19):
And some of us are working tosupport our families on top
of that, you know what I mean?
So just thinking about what I saidabout legacy, the generational gifts and
teachings and lessons, a lot of us arefirst in our families to go to college.
I'm first in my family to go tocollege, to get a high school degree.
Who was going to tell me, granted, yes,I did find my husband in college, but
(21:41):
who's going to tell me, Oh, college isyour best bet to find life partnership.
Because once you graduate, itgets harder for black women.
No one told me that.
No one told me
Brittany Sharpton (21:51):
that,
Beverly.
It's just, Oh my gosh.
Cause I wasn't sure too, howyou were going to receive some
of just my candid thoughts.
But the fact that I feel validatedin these things that I say to myself.
When I'm putting on makeup or when I'mjust sitting drinking my coffee, I'm
(22:13):
just like I'm all about legacy building.
Why didn't I do better in thatdepartment on college campus?
And then you think backinto your upbringing.
But then you don't wantto feel ungrateful.
So my mind like quicklyshuts off those thoughts.
But just having this conversation withyou, I'm like, one, I'm not alone.
Two, I'm not crazy.
(22:33):
Well,
Beverley Andre (22:35):
I do want to just say, like, I want you to be unapologetic about
the feelings that you have, because at theend of the day, there is a level of grief
and regret that can come up with, wow, hadI known I could have made different moves.
And I think, Dr.
Raquel Martin, I think that's her name,Raquel Martin, she literally just said
like, my kid will never, never, ever,ever get a perfect attendance score.
(22:59):
Certificate, like they'regoing to know they need a
mental health day and all that.
And I love that messagingbecause I know for so many of
us, it drives us in college.
We can't afford to doan unpaid internship.
We can't afford to go onspring break or take time off.
Or I do 15 credits this semesterso I can graduate early.
Like it's that hustler mentality becauseyou know, there's a lot that's riding out
(23:22):
on you, you know, being able to graduate.
And while that is a pro, sometimes thereare consequences that come with that.
You're not really able to live andhave the full, let me walk that back
because you get to define what a fullcollege experience is, but thinking
about a well rounded college experience,being able to have those late nights
(23:43):
and meet those forever friends andpossibly find a forever partner or
go on dates that are low risk, right?
Whomever, right.
Right.
I mean, you can date with a purpose,but in terms of like, you don't have
to make a solid life decision of,Oh, if I date you, you're my husband,
because there's this clock and liketick tocking in the back of your mind.
(24:07):
You get what I'm saying?
Like you can enjoy it and have fun.
And I think that's probably one of.
The biggest cost that we pay, I saywe because I was part of it, of seeing
college as I'm just here for my degree.
Brittany Sharpton (24:22):
Yes, you said so much.
I and a lot of my friends and I'msure a lot of your friends too.
That's why you said you'rea self proclaimed unicorn
because you're an outlier.
We looked at college as It's a means toget your degree to catapult your career.
There was, I mean, of course, youknow, some people dated, some people
(24:45):
married their college sweetheart.
You're one of them, but that wasmore of the exception than the rule.
And it wasn't because that's notsomething that I wanted to explore.
I sincerely, and I'm thinking naive,18, 19, 20, 21 year old Brittany had
zero idea that that should even be.
Right.
You know, I'm trying to remove the focus.
(25:06):
It just wasn't
right now.
It seems so silly and crazy thatthat did not dawn on me whatsoever.
But I'm just curious.
How do you think besidespeople blatantly having these
conversations with young women?
(25:26):
We can change that because it isincreasingly difficult for women
in general, but especially forBlack women who want partnership.
Beverley Andre (25:35):
Here's, I, think we put too much at stake on Black
women as opposed to the men.
My son will tell you through andthrough, I was never a part of his plan.
His goal was to, he's told me this andit's going on among our friend groups.
He's like, I came to college to getthis degree and to graduate early.
And he did, he graduatedin three years, not four.
(25:57):
I was not part of his planbecause he was laser focused.
But you know, it's me.
It was me.
So, you know, a littlealteration, but think about it.
Like the messages that men receivethat black men receive, you go
to college, you can have fun.
You can have all the hoes.
You have all the women.
(26:18):
Oh, why tie yourself down?
Da, da, da, da, da.
So the messaging is either the messagingthat if we're against the Black
population, women get that degree, youbetter graduate, men, you better have fun,
you better get it with all these girls,that, that, that, that, that, right?
So it goes like this.
Right.
You never intersect, butyou know who do intersect?
(26:42):
Becky.
Brittany Sharpton (26:44):
I mean, maybe not.
Okay.
This is another thingthat I want to talk about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Becky,
Maria Carolina, whatever,we'll stick with that.
They will go to their sorority activitiesand parties and be handstanding,
(27:07):
drinking beer, twerking, whatever, andsomehow still get more respect than
let me, let me go out and remotelywhere, uh, I'm, I'm from Miami and
with Uncle Luke and our little hoochie.
Live by a different set ofrules on campus, off campus.
(27:28):
And interestingly enough, this wasactually a couple of months ago.
This black man had the audacity.
I was, I'd gone out with him acouple of times and the conversations
somehow segwayed into sex, sexual.
And I told him that I'm celibate.
Now I'm thinking, One, when I think backon it, I didn't even owe him, whatever,
(27:50):
I didn't even have to say any of that.
His first reaction, you would thinkif that's not for him, then he just,
alright, that's not for you, you keepit moving, you go on to the next person.
He said, white girls don't do that, andthey're getting wifed up left and right.
I looked at him and said, Negro, youhave the audacity to tell me as a black
(28:10):
man, when you know the set of rules foryou and Billy are not the same one, I
don't care what Sarah or Tasha is doing.
Those are my belt.
Like that's where I amright now in my dating life.
So you respect it or you don't.
And I, I don't, unfortunately I can'toperate in this society by her rules.
(28:32):
You don't even judge me thesame way that she judged.
Sarah, people are still asking at thisbig ol age, how many sexual partners you
have, just all sorts of crazy stuff that,I mean, I hate to just sound like I'm
venting, but it's, you, you are sayingcertain things that are like triggering
certain memories that are still going on.
Beverley Andre (28:52):
Well, Now, I think that just such a, it's such a sad statement
one, because he's assuming that yoursubsea journey is contingent on you
trying to become a wife as opposedto it's your own personal journey for
whatever reason to, yeah, there aredifferent rules for different people,
(29:16):
different rules for different genders.
different rule for differentage groups, and I think it would
You know, I think it would be remissof me to not call to that fact.
(29:37):
There's certain people there, the goodold boys club, let boys be boys, just
being a boy versus, you know, Sarah.
Oh, she had the wild, times andwhatever, but she's, you know,
Sally Holmbaker now, whatever.
And a black woman, like you gota scarlet letter on your chest.
(30:01):
You are that girl from college.
Oh, he married her, her.
You get what I'm saying?
Like it's levels to it.
And even in that conversation,it was perpetuated.
Brittany Sharpton (30:17):
It was, I felt so insulted and it, it brought me back to
black women already are over sexualized.
It stems back from slavery.
I mean, there's the Jezebelstereotype it's, it's, we either
are too much or we need to be tamed.
(30:37):
We take up too much space.
We take up too much space.
You know, like, if you see a video ofa group of Black women, say, on a girls
trip, are doing something, it's, it'sthis heavy critique when they're having
a good time, but another group of womendo, oh, they're just, oh, you know,
they, you know, free, enjoying life.
(30:58):
We do it.
That's exactly why y'all ain't married.
That's why y'all gonna end upwith your cat alone and single.
It's frustrating because I love Black men.
Like, I really To your point, and I'mgonna finally have to start to listen.
I want to expand and, and likepeople say you need to focus on
(31:19):
and love those who want you back.
Like that's probably rule number one.
Woo.
That's huge.
I can't help that.
Unfortunately, colorism is a thing.
I have four C hair, Ihave full black features.
I'm a blacky black woman,a proud blacky black woman.
(31:39):
But if, being racially ambiguous,looking mixed, or your hair curls
up in the shower, or you know,you have certain features that
make you look more Eurocentric.
If that is more desirable to a certaindemographic, there's nothing that
I can do to try to make myself, norshould I, more attractive to you.
(32:02):
So if me, finding love happens to lookdifferent, and I think that's probably
what's going to end up happeningthan what I envisioned in my head.
I guess that's what I have to do, butBeverly, I do not want to be criticized.
People are then going to, you know,they'll say, Well, when a black
man does it and he ends up witha white girl, y'all are all mad,
but then you all do X, Y, and Z.
(32:23):
So I'm just curious, based onwhat you see, there's a difference
Beverley Andre (32:27):
in my mind.
At the end of the day, even if it'sdifferent, it doesn't mean it's bad.
It can be different from the vision.
It doesn't mean it's bad or less.
And I think that's howwe honor visions, right?
Like Dwayne and Whitley.
Everyone wants a Dwayne.
You want that Platt Webster and there'snothing wrong with that, even if you
(32:49):
don't end up with that picture of it.
Two, I feel that there's a differencebetween lusting after someone Like
attraction, lusting after someoneand looking for a partnership,
like the qualities of a partner.
Like, do you want to be attractedto your forever life partner?
Absolutely.
(33:10):
And if all you have as a basis for yourlife partner is features, then what's
going to happen when you get older?
You're going to cycle them throughbecause the reason why you chose that life
partner was based off of just attraction.
(33:30):
So it can't just be one thing.
It has to be the entire package.
And so for you, you're like, I'mblack and black with 4C here.
And that's still enough.
And it's still enough for yourlife partner who will grease your
scalp and get your bonnet and putit on for you when it slides off.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I love it.
Like, I think it's important tonote timeframe because time is real.
(33:54):
Especially thinking aboutbiological clocks, thinking
about just, all of those things.
Like, I don't want to take any of thatfor granted or to be like, Oh girl,
he will come because I can't say that.
Like, I'm not the person who'sgoing to bring him to you.
You know what I'm saying?
Brittany Sharpton (34:14):
I am so happy that you said that.
So many people I find, youknow, other Black women.
I mean, I love us, but we'll say,Oh yeah, girl, you know, you just
need to pray a little bit harder.
Beverley Andre (34:28):
The one thing about it, prayer did not bring on a partner.
Can you say
Brittany Sharpton (34:31):
that
Beverley Andre (34:32):
literally one more time?
Prayer is not somethingthat brings on a partner.
You gotta be out there.
You gotta be out there.
You gotta be meeting people.
And like, haven't, I callit low stakes states.
Just because you go on a date doesn'tmean that, Oh, that's my husband.
And I, like my pastor said this notthat long ago, he was like, some of
y'all need to not date in secret.
You can date in privacy,but don't date in secret.
(34:53):
You have a core group ofpeople that you trust.
Bring them around, bring them aroundme because I can also, if people
that you trust can see certain thingsthat you may just not be able to see.
And so you can bring somebodyaround who are friends who respect
privacy as opposed to, Oh, we, wejust all out here and everybody.
(35:15):
No, we get it.
If it don't work out.
I get it.
And also I think that's, and that'sone of the biggest differences too,
between Black culture at a certainsocioeconomic level and other cultures.
They literally help people matchmake.
(35:37):
Like they are matchmakers.
I've seen it so many couples, likeI've had South Asia, I have South
Asian couples who were set up byparents who are set up by friends.
I have white couples who are like, Oh,my, golfing buddy, like it's very much a
collective situation as opposed to blackfolks on a certain socioeconomic status.
(36:01):
And that's important to know,it's, it's, let me softwash.
An arm or you know what I'm saying, likeyou, these are just done in secrecy or
people don't even know that you're reallylooking for someone or they don't know the
type of person that you're looking for.
So
Brittany Sharpton (36:18):
I feel, I feel attacked cause I'm definitely one of
those people who I've always said.
I will never post a man until I can,I just feel this sense of, hey, if
and when it doesn't work out, nowI'm going to have to delete all the
pictures or I'm going to jinx myself.
But
Beverley Andre (36:35):
two It's not about posting.
There's a difference between people knowthat you're dating and you're posting it,
versus I'm dating in privacy and my corepeople know 'cause you have to be mindful
one, and I think it's a safety thing.
Like, God forbid, just anythinghappens that at least people can
know who you're dealing with.
And they can look out forthings, you get what I'm saying?
(36:56):
Like different behaviors, Godforbid, something happens to you.
They're like, Oh, well, I knowshe's with such and such as
much information as possible.
You get what I'm saying?
Like there's people sometimes willallow the possibility of shame
and embarrassment to isolate them.
And this is like, Oh my goodness.
Brittany Sharpton (37:14):
You, you are speaking to my wounded soul.
The fear of being embarrassed.
Shame guilt every year thatI get closer and closer to a
certain to my half of 80 stage.
It's I already feel admittedly lessthan or you failed in that department.
(37:38):
You're successful on paperand all these other fields.
But what is wrong withyou where you can't?
Wow.
And
Beverley Andre (37:47):
who and what you want to achieve in that department, whose voice
is that, who gets to dictate your value?
My therapist always tellsme this, like, who is the
authoritative voice in your life?
Because whoever that voice is,that is what you will submit to.
(38:08):
The belief system, the things thatthey say, like who, if it's not you
and your voice for me, if my voice isnot God, I will submit to the wilds
of whoever the standards of whoever,and it's like, I'm letting other
people dictate a time frame for me.
I'm letting people dictatesuccess for me, love, happiness.
Brittany Sharpton (38:33):
You are absolutely 10 percent correct.
It's just, you're right.
Beverley Andre (38:41):
Where's the shame and embarrassment coming from?
And okay, so you're embarrassed.
Why is that a huge thing as opposedto, it's an emotion I get to feel.
That I'm old, I can't feel embarrassed.
And it not, and it not, like, overtake me.
Or take me down.
Brittany Sharpton (38:59):
One, you're correct.
I have, and I'm working through this,let other people's opinions on this.
Dictate too much of not only how Ishow up, but how I think of myself
caring too much about what otherpeople think, because if I really
honestly just sit and think about itfor me, I've always thought, Oh, okay.
(39:21):
Yeah, I'm gonna get married.
I'm gonna have my familylive happily ever after.
But sincerely, and thisis a recent revelation.
I've become comfortable recentlysaying, if that doesn't happen, I'm
not going to let that stop, you know,me from progressing forward or me
from never being happy because thatwasn't a box that I couldn't check.
(39:44):
And then also I verymuch want to be a mother.
Like I've always wanted to be a mom.
And when I thought about things, Ibadly wanted, I want this relationship
because I figured, Oh, you need toget with this person to have this.
But with all these non traditional pathsto motherhood, I feel fortunate that I
(40:08):
did freeze my eggs almost 10 years ago.
So I'm like, Brittany, If there is abiological clock, and I mean, I can't
ignore that, I have to sit with what doyou really want out of this life and how
are you, what steps can you take thatare not contingent upon somebody else?
Because honestly, Beverly, if it wasjust about, hey, I wanted to log on to my
(40:33):
Lynx Incorporated membership directory,
that's the term for husband.
I can find one of these spin the blockersand I'm sure by quarter two of next
year, if it was just to marry anybody.
I can get a husband.
I mean, I can go out right nowto a happy hour and find somebody
and okay, that's my husband, butis this something that I want?
(40:55):
And I feel like, like you said, I willfeel fulfilled and safe and like I
can grow and build with this person.
So I'm just curious your thoughts andwhat you see, like, Is marriage still in
2024, the ultimate goal and should it be?
Beverley Andre (41:14):
You know, I honestly feel like this is like a question
of self worth and it's coming upbecause of course, my therapist
ran me to the ground with it today.
And he was like, whatmakes up your self worth?
What fuels it?
Because.
If it's a whole bunch of externalthings, if they're not present, then
(41:34):
you don't feel like you're enough.
You don't feel like you're worth it.
So if I'm not married,are you still enough?
If you're not a mother,are you still enough?
If you're not this, you know, billionaireor whatnot, are you still enough?
You get what I'm saying?
For a lot of people, lifepartnership marriage is a
(41:55):
goal that they want to reach.
They have this desire and I get it.
I understand it.
Like we are not made to live life alone.
But the thing is it doesn'tnecessarily mean that it has
to be a romantic partnership.
You know, it can be incommunity within community.
(42:19):
But I do feel like for some marriagehas become this ultimate goal
because some of our expectationsof what marriage or what we believe
marriage will give us feels ultimate.
My best friend, my peace, my, likeall of these things, you come, you
(42:39):
walk into a marriage with theseexpectations that your partner will just.
Heal the inner child in you, or justbe the best lover, be your best friend.
No one can live under those expectations.
No one can meet those expectationsconsistently, ever, ever.
(42:59):
Right.
They can't.
You make a good, sorry, go ahead.
No, no, no.
So I feel like if someone thinks aboutit as like, Oh, it's the ultimate goal
is because they want that ultimatefeeling, that ultimate thing that
they believe comes with marriage.
And it's just like, you're still witha very imperfectly created person.
Brittany Sharpton (43:19):
And see, that's something that I.
I mean, it's not that I was totallyignorant to what you just said, but
I definitely was one of those peoplethat felt like, Oh, once I reached this
milestone, then this, and once I hit,you know, you think, Hey, once I buy my
first house, then this, okay, I did that.
(43:41):
Once I get this
Beverley Andre (43:42):
job,
Brittany Sharpton (43:43):
then that, once I do.
And because I definitely thought,Oh, well, once I'm in this.
relationship than this, but I'm like,
it's what it's no one else.
I don't believe, like, I don'tlike when people say, Oh, you know,
(44:04):
this person has made me whole.
They just, you know,they just completed me.
Come on.
You come to me or if I'm notcompleted or whole, when I come
to you, it's not going to work.
I don't want a broken person, Britney.
So when I finally realized that I'm like,I put this extra pressure, one on myself
(44:25):
and on the institution of marriage, allof a sudden when we sign that paper,
when we jump the broom and have this bigparty, when we go back home after the
honeymoon, what substantially is going tochange that wasn't there before, either
in yourself or in that relationship?
And when I sat with that Beverly,that's when I finally became more
comfortable with the relationship.
(44:46):
If that didn't happen, I would be moreokay than I previously did some years ago.
And I'm proud of that growth.
But that still does not stop mefrom, you know, when you go outside,
you're like, Oh, maybe this maybe the day that this happens.
And to your point, I wisharranged marriages were
popular in the black community.
(45:07):
And it's not just certain socialeconomic statuses, whether you
are creme de la creme high echelonor clean it from the project.
I don't think we.
They don't, unless theyleft me out, Jack and
Beverley Andre (45:21):
Jill's,
Brittany Sharpton (45:22):
I
Beverley Andre (45:23):
mean, I've heard nothing I've heard and I've
seen a lot of not necessarilyarranged marriages, but proximity.
Family, wealth, name,legacy, plays a part.
These sorority andfraternity auxiliary groups,
(45:48):
when it's time for the cotillions andyou have to pick a part, it plays apart.
I'm not saying thatthey're forcing them, but
Brittany Sharpton (45:58):
see, when you say that, it makes me even more frustrated because
I feel like we've done the Jack and Jill.
I'm a member of the link.
I'm in a sorority.
I'm a girlfriend.
I've done, what's the name of that book?
This is us.
And we, what's that book called?
Anyway, there's some book about theseblack organizations that were created.
(46:21):
Like I joined them, it wasn't to look fora husband because I sincerely connected
with the mission and values and I wantedto be a part of these organizations.
But to your point, youare absolutely yet again,
Beverley Andre (46:37):
correct.
You like, I have to say the quiet partloud because I've had some of these
couples as clients and they're like, Ohyeah, like in New York, Oh, it's a thing.
Louisiana is a thing.
In Texas it is a thing.
(46:59):
It's done very quietly, but it is a thing.
Brittany Sharpton (47:04):
I wish it was done more out loud because
it needs to be more of a thing.
Because in my mind, that is themost pragmatic way to match people.
I don't find anything wrong with it.
And as I'm talking throughthis, you're so right.
There is this.
What did your pastor say?
Secrecy?
No.
Privacy versus secrecy?
(47:25):
Privacy versus secrecy.
Beverley Andre (47:27):
Like, when we're, oh, the girls who know, the mothers who know, no.
Brittany Sharpton (47:31):
Yeah.
Okay.
So are you saying the couples that yousee, not all of them, obviously, but
the ones that we're referencing, Oreven what your pastor said, if we were
more vocal and less shameful about beingsingle, just saying, Hey, I'm looking,
then maybe the outcomes will be better.
Beverley Andre (47:49):
I'm not saying it's a one to one, but there is something to be
said around you doing stuff in isolation.
And here's the thing, likehe literally said this, like
maybe a couple of weeks ago.
And I never thought about itlike that in terms of, there is
still value to your core peoplebeing able to give you insight.
Obviously you want to know if youhave genuine feelings for that person.
(48:12):
I am not saying y'all startdating on Friday by Monday.
You get what I'm saying?
Like, I get the importance of youbeing able to establish, like,
do I actually like this person?
And once I know this, before I become inlove or even more invested, let me see
how they operate around my core people.
(48:35):
The people that I know who have my back,who have my best interest at heart.
Let me invite him to go church with me.
Let me like really, really tight-knit.
Still private people who will protectyour privacy and also look out for you.
I think there's so much value in that.
I think that's something, previousgenerations, like courtship was done
(48:56):
publicly, like there, there's somethingto be said about value in that, a sense
of protection and also that person knowingthat you got people who are checking
Brittany Sharpton (49:09):
and have
Beverley Andre (49:09):
your back.
Brittany Sharpton (49:09):
Oh my god, Beverly, but this is, have you, or
maybe you're so out of the game,so maybe you can't speak to this.
This is what I have found with someof these men's, and I'm talking about
people in their late thirties, forties,deep into their real manly hood.
(49:31):
You're moving too fast.
I don't want to meet certain people inyour circle, because I completely agree.
I don't mind bringing peoplearound to my inner circle if I'm,
you know, close with my family.
Meet my sister.
Meet friends who I know will respect myprivacy, but also may glean on things
that I may be, Wearing rose coloredglasses about on the flip side, you
(49:53):
have these people at this big old age.
That should have been thered flag to my crazy ass.
Anyway, as I say it out loud,I answer my own damn question.
Beverley Andre (50:01):
Next, Brittany.
It's information, two words,information and boundaries.
Okay.
When you have a boundary and a certainstandard in which you want to live
your life and you tell someone,Hey, I would like for you to meet my
core people and oh, it's too early.
That's information.
Okay.
(50:22):
So when do you believeis an appropriate time?
And if you're like, well, after ayear or two years, and if that don't
work for you, say, you know what?
I get that.
And also I'm notnecessarily aligned in that.
Are you willing to compromise with me?
And maybe how about sixmonths in of us dating?
And then if they concede or whatnot,and they're like, okay, sure.
(50:45):
And six months and a six monthtimeframe comes and you're like, I
really want you to meet my people.
We talked about, we said six months.
And you're like, Oh, well, I don't, uh,uh, uh, uh, that is information because
one, when we made the compromise, when wehad the conversation, we had a decision
that you're not honoring the decision.
If something for you changed,you have an opportunity to
(51:07):
say what has changed for you.
If you see that they are not inalignment, you need to have a self
conversation with yourself and said, okay.
We talked about this.
We agreed on this.
This person is not changing their mind.
Didn't let me know that theywere changing their mind.
What does this mean for me?
Is it that important forme for them to meet him?
And that's the make or break it?
(51:28):
Or am I okay withwaiting it out some more?
Whatever that answer is for youtells you how you honor yourself.
mean, everybody is different.
Everybody is different.
Brittany Sharpton (51:44):
Everyone is different.
And even you saying that though,Beverly, because one of my issues
is I am quick to cut somebody off.
Like probably too quick.
I mean, my own dad has criticized.
You've lost out on opportunities, not justromantically in business and other things
because I think it's a defense mechanism.
As soon as I sent something like, Mmm,I would never, if I said, Where, I
(52:09):
mean, at this age, he's at 90 to threemonths in, you can't meet someone.
I wouldn't even, is that weird?
He puts too much
Beverley Andre (52:17):
stake on age.
Okay.
Okay.
Maturity is not contingent on age.
That is very, you're, you know what?
Thank you.
I'll go.
Okay.
You have to be mindful if you'rehypersensitive when it comes to
conflict, because any form of resistance,you're going to be like, Oh, I'm out.
And it's like, conflict gives youan opportunity for greater intimacy.
It allows you to build trust.
How do you know if you can trustsomething and there's no stress that's
(52:40):
applied, like You know what I'm saying?
Like, you don't trust a chairjust by looking at the chair.
You sit in it.
You like, you're eatingme up like your therapist.
You're eating me up today.
That conversation, likeyou have to give grace.
Like, I feel like conflictis one of the biggest gifts.
And I, I say this and I know it doesn'tfeel good when you're going through
(53:04):
it, but conflict is such a gift becausethink about how it feels to be on the
other side of it and how close you onthe other side of it in a healthy way
where you've communicated and you resolvethings and you've repaired how close you
feel, how secure you feel, how heard youfeel like that is something over time.
It's like, Oh, this is, we are good.
(53:27):
We are good.
Like that is We're not struggling,but we're navigating life's
challenges together, and we're stillfinding our ability to be in sync.
And even if we can't find it forourselves, we're seeking help.
We're going to wise counsel.
We're going to a couple's therapist.
We're seeking advice from our past.
(53:48):
Like the behaviors.
gives you so much information.
But somebody's like flighty and youcan't have a basic conversation with
me and figure out how to compromise.
There's something that you said there.
There, there's some work.
Brittany Sharpton (54:02):
You are a thousand percent correct.
I do notice that I willcut people off prematurely.
And that is a response to me givingpeople a chance, and it's unfortunate,
it's not, it's unfair for me to carryover baggage or trauma from something
else and put those same things, it'slike I recognize that, so I'm just
(54:25):
trying to actively work through it,but when you were talking about.
The one year and the six months.
I know it's for the sake of the example.
I was like, you know what, Brittany,I probably would have said, Oh,
you don't want to meet my peoplebecause you're not that into me.
Find somebody that you want tomeet their parents or whatever.
And then, but I'm gonna work on it.
(54:46):
Oh my God.
The question
Beverley Andre (54:47):
was, I'm unsure how you feel about me.
That was the real question, but Ididn't feel vulnerable to ask that.
Brittany Sharpton (54:55):
Yeah, you're right.
I did not feel safe enough tobe that vulnerable because I did
not want that to be weaponized.
And that is a theme.
See, I bet Beverly's like,that's why your ass is single.
It's not so contingent on you, you're
Beverley Andre (55:12):
only one half of a relationship.
Brittany Sharpton (55:13):
Thank you for being, oh my god, I can't believe,
wait a minute Beverly, I wanted toask something that, it was two things,
I think you wrote this article.
Spinning the block, spinning the block.
Yeah,
Beverley Andre (55:24):
Dominique, from Essence.
She's, I think the lifestyle editor.
She wrote an articleabout spinning the block.
Prior to you commenting.
Yeah.
She asked me for my opinion.
Brittany Sharpton (55:33):
Miss Beverly.
Yes.
When, if ever, is it okayor does it make sense?
To spin the block, and I'm going to leavemy comments until after what you have
to say, because I emphatically have a,
Beverley Andre (55:50):
but I mean.
It's contingent on the person.
I, like, I think aboutjust numerous factors.
Why did y'all break up?
Cause sometimes you could break upbecause it's just not the right timing.
Right.
That some people feel like,Oh, we were just too young.
Like we were in high school, wewere in college, or I got out
this relationship and I met you,but I felt like it was too soon.
(56:13):
So there's so many reasons.
So why did y'all break up?
If there was an issue that waspresent that if there was an issue
in the relationship that causedthe breakup to happen, Yeah.
Is the issue still present now?
Do you see change behavior?
Do you still have romanticfeelings currently for them?
(56:37):
Or is it past feelings that are coming up?
Because nostalgia can be a drug.
That feel good feeling like, oh, thosetimes we can, romanticize the past and
think it's what you're currently feeling.
So like, are you still attracted to them?
Are you attracted to the person thatthey are today and not who they were?
Brittany Sharpton (56:59):
Yeah.
Beverley Andre (57:00):
I
Brittany Sharpton (57:01):
wholeheartedly hear you because I was against spinning the block.
I always felt like, and maybe again,you're going to say this is wrong.
If a relationship doesn't work out,save for it being the wrong timing,
if a man decides to come back, thisactually just happened a couple weeks
ago, unless you approach me and say,like a mature human being, Hey, Brittany.
(57:24):
I know it didn't work out before.
I recognize X, Y, andZ on both of our parts.
However, I would like to see ifyou're receptive to trying again.
That's one thing.
But when you be sending these textmessages, literally after not talking to
someone a year plus, I always thought menjust do it to make sure they still have
access to you and to stroke their ego.
(57:45):
Like I never really thought.
that they were interestedin something serious.
They just wanted to waste time.
But you're saying something that may
Beverley Andre (57:53):
be true.
And don't put your energy into makingan assumption because if that's
their intention, it'll become clear.
There's like, for real, there's really nopoint in you trying to make assumptions
as to why someone is spinning the block.
Let what they say and whatthey do speak for itself.
(58:13):
If they are genuinely interested insomething serious, it will be known.
If they're playing games,They're consistent.
They just want to, because here'sthe thing, if it's going to strike
their ego, you don't know ifsomething's stroking their ego.
Why do you, why do you want to find out?
Why do you care?
Why do you need to know?
That's all a power play.
Like it's not worth your energy to tryand figure out what their initiatives are.
Brittany Sharpton (58:37):
You know, Beverly, I know we connected on this thing.
I'm like, I'm gonna have to go to yourwebsite that I have a lot of work to do
because Everything else, I was with you
Beverley Andre (58:46):
here.
No, it's cause think about it.
Cause how will you ever know forsure if you are just hitting me up?
Maybe they're trying to spinthe blog and they are genuine,
but they, it feels awkward.
They don't know if you would belike, people are awkward, especially,
(59:08):
you know, if you're not emotionallyintelligent or you're good with words.
So, the only thing you can really do islike, Hey, you send a text, I hear you.
I'm doing well.
Thank you for asking.
However, I'm in a place in my life whereI'm only entertaining serious things.
Please.
If you are uninterested, just goneabout your business and not so whatever
(59:30):
it turns, you get what I'm saying?
Like you can just take it upon yourselfto be like, this is my boundary.
, don't flippantly text me late at night.
Don't.
Oh, it's okay.
And if they don't respectthem, you got a block button.
You got to do that.
Disturb.
You, you don't have toentertain that energy.
Brittany Sharpton (59:50):
Okay.
I'm like saying I'm processing becauseI'm like, dang, maybe I am very
controlling and want to feel this powerplay because I want to know why, like
I'll ask point blank why and, well,you can't like, why, wait, why, what?
Like I asked and theygot defensive and okay.
(01:00:12):
I asked straight up on day two after thestupid mindless surface level texting,
hey, why did you reach out to me?
It was so random after nearly 18 months.
I wanted to know.
I didn't first, your recommendation was,I should have said, Hey, these are my
boundaries and then evaluate how they act.
(01:00:34):
But I just said, I justwanted to know, are you nosy?
Did you want to see if I'm still single?
Well, I don't think there's anything wrong
Beverley Andre (01:00:42):
with the question.
Okay.
there's nothing wrongwith, with your question.
Like when I get that example, I'mjust probably thinking about what
I may have said, like, I'm one ofthose, like, like, Hey, I'm a, I'm a,
Have a conversation, but don't thinkthere's anything wrong with like, Hey,
like, why are you texting me granted?
Some people can read it ina different tone of voice.
(01:01:03):
Maybe that's why he got defensive.
Who knows?
But that's why I scheduled
Brittany Sharpton (01:01:07):
a zoom because we weren't I was Traveling.
Because you're right.
To own his heart.
So I said, I would prefer tohave this conversation in person,
but let's have a video chat.
I don't even want a phone callbecause I want to look at you and
ask, Hey, obviously I responded.
That means that I'm at leastsemi receptive, but I want
to know why you reached out.
Because if you're just looking fora pen pal and a phone buddy, yeah.
(01:01:29):
I, I talk enough on the phoneand I type too much for work.
I don't need that.
Like I got enough friends.
So
Beverley Andre (01:01:36):
yeah.
Brittany Sharpton (01:01:36):
And their response was, well, I just came back in two seconds ago.
I mean, we still need to get to
that's information.
And then
Beverley Andre (01:01:47):
it ain't nothing that cut that.
'cause if you're texting mewithout purpose, that means
you don't have a plan for me.
You don't have a plan for us.
Brittany Sharpton (01:01:55):
Beverly, do you have a book?
Do you have a book thatwe can plug or something?
Because all these one liners, I'mlike, these bars, you set five of them.
If you don't have a, can you say it
Beverley Andre (01:02:06):
again about you don't have a plan?
If you don't have a plan, like, if he hadno purpose in texting you, then he doesn't
have a plan for y'all, for us, like,
you know, the whole scripture,if the people have no vision,
then they will perish.
Like you have no vision, you haveno purpose, no goal for texting me.
He just decided to, thatmeans you're not serious.
That is information and youshould pay attention to it and
(01:02:27):
observe and make a decision.
There's nothing wrong withyou asking the question.
He gave you the answer that hehad, not the one that he planned.
And you already knew what time it was.
Brittany Sharpton (01:02:37):
Beverly, oh my gosh, I know, because this has been, there's
just so, I mean, I feel like this couldhave been like part five, because I
may, I'm still going to ask you, Idon't care, you may ignore me, I'm
still asking you for a part two, becauseI didn't even scratch the surface of
all the stuff I wanted to talk about.
You talked about pragmatically dating,whether it's okay to date There's
just so much, but if people which Iknow they're going to love you, want
(01:03:01):
to learn more about you, or work withyou, or just see what you're up to.
How can they find you?
Beverley Andre (01:03:06):
On socials, on Instagram, Beverly Andre with an L E Y,
B E V E R L E Y A N D R E underscore,because someone stole my name, so.
Brittany Sharpton (01:03:20):
Okay.
And right, you can just Google her too.
I mean, tons of stuff pops up.
is there anything that you'reworking on that you want
Beverley Andre (01:03:27):
Um, I'm actually, um, let's see, we're in fall, so I just
finished like a cohort of engaged couples.
I did premarital coaching for them, andI just finished that up, so I'm gonna
be launching another cohort in January.
Also, only for people that are engaged,y'all are discriminating again.
I actually know that I've had, acouple who was seriously dating
(01:03:48):
to get, well, they're engaged now.
I'm so happy for them, but theystarted premarital therapy before they
got engaged because they were like,we want to like get the tools and
everything before, we make it official.
I had two couples actually, who weredating before they got engaged and then
they went through the program and it was.
(01:04:12):
They absolutely loved it.
So
Brittany Sharpton (01:04:14):
yeah, you said something else.
Okay.
So one congrats on that too.
You answered a question that wason my list that I didn't ask.
Yes, you can get counseling.
You do not need to be married to see.
Beverley Andre (01:04:26):
I honestly feel like that's part of the best gift
that you can give your relationshipbefore you get even more invested.
And these tools are applicable in life.
Like the way we be digging deepin communication, like people just
don't know how to communicate period.
So just cause.
You think you can communicatewith your homegirls on me, you
can communicate with your partner.
(01:04:47):
Your homeboys don'tcommunicate like your, like,
Brittany Sharpton (01:04:51):
you know?
And just because you see a couple'scounselor or therapist does not mean
that your relationship is broken.
Beverley Andre (01:04:59):
No, it means that you want a fire relationship.
You want a solid foundation.
Brittany Sharpton (01:05:05):
Thank you so much.
Oh my gosh.
This is awesome.
Thank you, Beverly.
This was such a layered, honest, I justfeel the sincerity through the screen.
Thank you for tuning into, to tell you the truth.
If you connect it with today'sconversation, please share,
subscribe, rate, and review.
It helps us grow this incredibletruth, tribe, community.
(01:05:27):
You can find us wherever you listento podcasts and follow on social
media for the latest updates.
Until next time, keep it realand keep showing up for yourself.
Thank you for listeningand I'll see you next week.
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