May 17, 2024 • 12 mins
If you’ve ever shown up in a room, boardroom or otherwise, on a job site or at a conference where people don’t expect to see a woman like you, raise your hand. If you’re Generation X or older, it’s pretty much par for the course.
Voice Lessons Podcast Creator and Co-Producer Kim Kuhteubl leads “A Lesson on Owning The Room.”
VOICE LESSONS SHOWNOTES: https://voicelessonspodcast.com/2024/05/17/a-lesson-on-owning-the-room-with-kim-kuhteubl
VOICE LESSONS ON INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/voicelessonspodcast
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kim (00:00):
You're not imagining it.
Those rules you're supposed to followabout how women are supposed to be,
about what you're supposed to want,about how and what you should achieve.
Those rules weren'twritten with you in mind.
(00:24):
Have they told you that you'retoo sensitive, too driven,
too outspoken, too much?
Me too.
I see you.
I'm Kim Cutable, creator andco producer of this podcast,
(00:45):
Voice Lessons, about creativity,visibility, and the way women lead.
I work with women who are navigatingthe space between identities,
between who the world sees andwho they know themselves to be.
The ones who are transformingtheir lineage, who are learning to
(01:08):
trust their intuition as they lead.
And it might feel like.
You're the only person in the roomwho sees things the way you do,
but the truth is that you're theonly one brave enough to speak up
because you can't not speak up.
(01:31):
Even when your voice is shaking,even when it comes with a label,
one that might sting a lot.
Look, I know you keep itmoving because you have things
to do in and for the world.
(01:51):
Some people like you betterwhen you play smaller.
They don't like the fact that you're theone in charge, that you have opinions,
that you are different, that you arewilling to stand up and make change.
They don't understand that thisis what you were designed to do.
(02:13):
You are here to blow up brokensystems and ways of being.
You are here to transform the culture.
If only you could stopfeeling like an imposter.
If only you could feel likeyou belonged in the rooms you
(02:34):
were born ready to change.
So for all of you, leading companies,movements, and families in the
ways that only you can, thisis a lesson on owning the room.
(03:06):
If you've ever shown up in aroom, boardroom or otherwise,
on a job site or at a conferencewhere people don't expect to see
a woman like you, raise your hand.
If you're Generation X or older,it's pretty much par for the course.
Industries that were traditionallymale dominated are changing because
(03:27):
women like us are in the room.
Rooms we might not have beenallowed to be in before.
Because you look different.
Because you dress different.
And you're pursuing a calling theydidn't think you were designed for.
To pursue, but in the words of LadyGaga, you were born this way and
(03:50):
from this moment onward, I wouldrecommend you own that in the way
that only you can, your curiosities,your talents and ideas are exactly
as they are supposed to be.
You likely have a solution thathasn't been thought of before,
and if you weren't meant to be inthat room, you wouldn't be there.
(04:13):
That's physics.
You are an energetic match forthe vibration that room emits.
So while you're there, remember this.
You are an FOD.
First, only, different.
That's what Shonda Rhimes,the most powerful woman in
(04:34):
television, calls women like you.
And now it's a subject in universities.
You influencer marketing if you choose.
And you know whodominates that industry?
Women too, but that's another story.
Women who are FODs are more likelyto feel pressure to provide evidence
(04:55):
of their competence, value, andrights, or experience microaggressions
bearing a double burden as we redefinewhat it means to be women who lead.
Rhymes says, first only difference,don't get second chances.
But I don't agree with thatbecause I don't believe.
That any one person orinstitution is your source.
(05:19):
You are an employee of the divine.
And if you stay your course, you willreceive your annual bonus and create a
trust fund that allows you to pass onyour wealth of time, joy, creativity,
and yes, dollars, to future generations.
Next.
(05:40):
People can't see what you think.
Overestimating the degree yourthoughts are transparent to others.
is a cognitive bias calledthe illusion of transparency.
So as much as you feel likeit, when you're anxious, other
people cannot see what you think.
They don't know how nervous youare or that F up you just made.
(06:04):
They can't tell you've gained a fewpounds and that you're having a bad
hair day, that you lost your shizwith your toddler this morning.
And even if someone does notice thatyou're a little off, even if they
tap into what you're worried about.
They don't care as much as you think.
I'll tell you why in a second.
(06:24):
Besides, they're gonna forget aboutit when the news cycle shifts.
So, don't hang on to their judgment.
Next.
People can't see what you think.
And a lot of the time, they don't care.
It's why Don Miguel Ruiz says,Don't take anything personally
(06:45):
in the four agreements.
You are, at least you should be,the center of your own universe.
Don Miguel Ruiz But not everyone else's.
Even though that sometimes feelshard for you to believe, your
inner private world and theirpublic perceptions aren't a match.
(07:06):
The reverse is also true though.
As well as you know yourself,you will never fully understand
someone else's mental stateas well as you think you do.
As much as you think you know, nomatter how intimately you know them,
because we are always changing.
And why would you want to when you makea decision you believe impacts your
(07:30):
family or your friends or your boss'swell being and you make it because
you think you know them so well, andit's at your expense, caregivers,
I am talking to you, think again.
Sacrifice is a huge part ofthe narrative of being a female
caregiver, along with the suggestedtrade offs they think you should
(07:53):
make to guarantee your success.
Now, you may feel like a targetsometimes, and there is a cognitive
bias called the self as target bias thathappens when you believe that events are
disproportionately directed towards you.
I call my own version producer paranoia.
(08:15):
It usually strikes when I'm pitchingnew work and I worry that someone who
hates me knows the person I'm pitchingto and they talked about me and now I'm
not going to get my foot in the door.
Now, look, I'm not sayingthat there is not a target.
Systemic, legal, bythe way, systemic bias.
I'm not saying some people don't likeyou, that they don't want you to do
(08:36):
well, that there aren't minor playerswho are operating weird agendas
who would sabotage your success.
I'm not saying they don't exist.
They do, but don't focus on them.
Focus on your vision, on yourmission, focus on the people who
want you to succeed, align with them.
(09:00):
If you're focused on thefight, you will have one.
If you are focused on your abilityto achieve your vision, your
end goal, you will get there.
If you're in your head all the timeor subject to a ruthlessly critical
inner monologue, you're going tofeel very lonely walking your path.
(09:24):
Academic institutions and corporationsare still mired in the cultural
inertia of the good old boys club.
But you.
Are there to change that?
That's exactly why you're inthe room to change the optics.
Next,
(09:45):
write your own narrative.
There is no need to cosplaysome character someone else has
written for you in your own story.
You needn't respond to gossip as if whatother people think of is your business.
Are you spending energy livingin reaction to the judgments of
people who don't share your values?
(10:07):
Or who you don't even like?
That was a big one for me.
When I stopped living in the fearthat they wouldn't like me, I
realized I really didn't like them.
But I made them my sourcefor success, which is why I
stayed in the room so long.
Next, and this is my favorite,let them underestimate you.
(10:33):
In poker, they call it a tell.
When someone is outwardly rude, or getsa certain kind of smirk when they see me
in what they think is an unlikely spacefor me, they have shown me who they are.
They're an easy mark to be played orignored, but not to be distracted by.
(10:53):
Go get what you came here for.
And finally, you are being used.
And I mean this in themost positive of ways.
(11:15):
If you are a woman alive in thismoment of profound change, I believe
you are here to lead the changein the conversation, in whatever
conversation you find yourself in.
The world is complicated andthere are many broken systems and
paradigms, and I wholeheartedlybelieve that That we have the ideas
(11:39):
to fix them, the teams to build them.
They lie in us.
If you're in that room, own it.
(12:10):
Voice lessons is co produced,written, and spoken by me.
Kim Cutable.
It's also co produced andedited by Sergio Miranda.
You can find past episodes, shownotes, and the cool stuff our guests
recommend at voicelessonspodcast.
com.
You're not imagining it.
Those rules you're supposed to followabout how women are supposed to be,
about what you're supposed to want,about how and what you should achieve.
Those rules weren'twritten with you in mind.
(00:24):
Have they told you that you'retoo sensitive, too driven,
too outspoken, too much?
Me too.
I see you.
I'm Kim Cutable, creator andco producer of this podcast,
(00:45):
Voice Lessons, about creativity,visibility, and the way women lead.
I work with women who are navigatingthe space between identities,
between who the world sees andwho they know themselves to be.
The ones who are transformingtheir lineage, who are learning to
(01:08):
trust their intuition as they lead.
And it might feel like.
You're the only person in the roomwho sees things the way you do,
but the truth is that you're theonly one brave enough to speak up
because you can't not speak up.
(01:31):
Even when your voice is shaking,even when it comes with a label,
one that might sting a lot.
Look, I know you keep itmoving because you have things
to do in and for the world.
(01:51):
Some people like you betterwhen you play smaller.
They don't like the fact that you're theone in charge, that you have opinions,
that you are different, that you arewilling to stand up and make change.
They don't understand that thisis what you were designed to do.
(02:13):
You are here to blow up brokensystems and ways of being.
You are here to transform the culture.
If only you could stopfeeling like an imposter.
If only you could feel likeyou belonged in the rooms you
(02:34):
were born ready to change.
So for all of you, leading companies,movements, and families in the
ways that only you can, thisis a lesson on owning the room.
(03:06):
If you've ever shown up in aroom, boardroom or otherwise,
on a job site or at a conferencewhere people don't expect to see
a woman like you, raise your hand.
If you're Generation X or older,it's pretty much par for the course.
Industries that were traditionallymale dominated are changing because
(03:27):
women like us are in the room.
Rooms we might not have beenallowed to be in before.
Because you look different.
Because you dress different.
And you're pursuing a calling theydidn't think you were designed for.
To pursue, but in the words of LadyGaga, you were born this way and
(03:50):
from this moment onward, I wouldrecommend you own that in the way
that only you can, your curiosities,your talents and ideas are exactly
as they are supposed to be.
You likely have a solution thathasn't been thought of before,
and if you weren't meant to be inthat room, you wouldn't be there.
(04:13):
That's physics.
You are an energetic match forthe vibration that room emits.
So while you're there, remember this.
You are an FOD.
First, only, different.
That's what Shonda Rhimes,the most powerful woman in
(04:34):
television, calls women like you.
And now it's a subject in universities.
You influencer marketing if you choose.
And you know whodominates that industry?
Women too, but that's another story.
Women who are FODs are more likelyto feel pressure to provide evidence
(04:55):
of their competence, value, andrights, or experience microaggressions
bearing a double burden as we redefinewhat it means to be women who lead.
Rhymes says, first only difference,don't get second chances.
But I don't agree with thatbecause I don't believe.
That any one person orinstitution is your source.
(05:19):
You are an employee of the divine.
And if you stay your course, you willreceive your annual bonus and create a
trust fund that allows you to pass onyour wealth of time, joy, creativity,
and yes, dollars, to future generations.
Next.
(05:40):
People can't see what you think.
Overestimating the degree yourthoughts are transparent to others.
is a cognitive bias calledthe illusion of transparency.
So as much as you feel likeit, when you're anxious, other
people cannot see what you think.
They don't know how nervous youare or that F up you just made.
(06:04):
They can't tell you've gained a fewpounds and that you're having a bad
hair day, that you lost your shizwith your toddler this morning.
And even if someone does notice thatyou're a little off, even if they
tap into what you're worried about.
They don't care as much as you think.
I'll tell you why in a second.
(06:24):
Besides, they're gonna forget aboutit when the news cycle shifts.
So, don't hang on to their judgment.
Next.
People can't see what you think.
And a lot of the time, they don't care.
It's why Don Miguel Ruiz says,Don't take anything personally
(06:45):
in the four agreements.
You are, at least you should be,the center of your own universe.
Don Miguel Ruiz But not everyone else's.
Even though that sometimes feelshard for you to believe, your
inner private world and theirpublic perceptions aren't a match.
(07:06):
The reverse is also true though.
As well as you know yourself,you will never fully understand
someone else's mental stateas well as you think you do.
As much as you think you know, nomatter how intimately you know them,
because we are always changing.
And why would you want to when you makea decision you believe impacts your
(07:30):
family or your friends or your boss'swell being and you make it because
you think you know them so well, andit's at your expense, caregivers,
I am talking to you, think again.
Sacrifice is a huge part ofthe narrative of being a female
caregiver, along with the suggestedtrade offs they think you should
(07:53):
make to guarantee your success.
Now, you may feel like a targetsometimes, and there is a cognitive
bias called the self as target bias thathappens when you believe that events are
disproportionately directed towards you.
I call my own version producer paranoia.
(08:15):
It usually strikes when I'm pitchingnew work and I worry that someone who
hates me knows the person I'm pitchingto and they talked about me and now I'm
not going to get my foot in the door.
Now, look, I'm not sayingthat there is not a target.
Systemic, legal, bythe way, systemic bias.
I'm not saying some people don't likeyou, that they don't want you to do
(08:36):
well, that there aren't minor playerswho are operating weird agendas
who would sabotage your success.
I'm not saying they don't exist.
They do, but don't focus on them.
Focus on your vision, on yourmission, focus on the people who
want you to succeed, align with them.
(09:00):
If you're focused on thefight, you will have one.
If you are focused on your abilityto achieve your vision, your
end goal, you will get there.
If you're in your head all the timeor subject to a ruthlessly critical
inner monologue, you're going tofeel very lonely walking your path.
(09:24):
Academic institutions and corporationsare still mired in the cultural
inertia of the good old boys club.
But you.
Are there to change that?
That's exactly why you're inthe room to change the optics.
Next,
(09:45):
write your own narrative.
There is no need to cosplaysome character someone else has
written for you in your own story.
You needn't respond to gossip as if whatother people think of is your business.
Are you spending energy livingin reaction to the judgments of
people who don't share your values?
(10:07):
Or who you don't even like?
That was a big one for me.
When I stopped living in the fearthat they wouldn't like me, I
realized I really didn't like them.
But I made them my sourcefor success, which is why I
stayed in the room so long.
Next, and this is my favorite,let them underestimate you.
(10:33):
In poker, they call it a tell.
When someone is outwardly rude, or getsa certain kind of smirk when they see me
in what they think is an unlikely spacefor me, they have shown me who they are.
They're an easy mark to be played orignored, but not to be distracted by.
(10:53):
Go get what you came here for.
And finally, you are being used.
And I mean this in themost positive of ways.
(11:15):
If you are a woman alive in thismoment of profound change, I believe
you are here to lead the changein the conversation, in whatever
conversation you find yourself in.
The world is complicated andthere are many broken systems and
paradigms, and I wholeheartedlybelieve that That we have the ideas
(11:39):
to fix them, the teams to build them.
They lie in us.
If you're in that room, own it.
(12:10):
Voice lessons is co produced,written, and spoken by me.
Kim Cutable.
It's also co produced andedited by Sergio Miranda.
You can find past episodes, shownotes, and the cool stuff our guests
recommend at voicelessonspodcast.
com.
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