We're back with Dr. Abrar Hussain to kick off Series 4, Episode 1 as we bring another lens on all things "40+ professional, highly functioning, not-always-ok" with an emphasis on all things relational.
Here's a brief summary of what Dr. Hussain covers in this podcast:
We are not isolated beings; we exist within a complex web of systems. Internally, we have biological systems like the nervous system. Externally, we are embedded in relational systems — families, communities, societies — all of which interact with and influence each other. Dr. Hussain introduced the Rule of Thirds: You bring a third of the dynamic. The other person brings a third of the dynamic, and the space in between you holds the other third.
Among our internal systems, the nervous system is perhaps the most powerful. It is always learning, constantly scanning for cues that it is either safe and can trust what is happening, or it is not safe, it can't trust, and needs to go into defence mode, and then adapt accordingly.
It helps us make judgments, assess risk, and grow. But it is also vulnerable. Its bandwidth is limited, and it can become overwhelmed or dysregulated when too much is happening — especially in environments, or with people it determines to be unsafe, or not trustworthy.
What happens around us directly affects our nervous system. Our relational experiences — how people treat us, respond to us, or ignore us — are encoded as safety or threat. Our nervous system learns not just from what is said, but from tone, facial expressions, body language, and presence.
Our earliest relationships create the template we carry into adulthood. Childhood experiences — whether nurturing or challenging — shape our nervous system’s default settings. They teach us what to expect from others, how to relate, how to protect ourselves, and what it means to be loved or rejected.
Dr. Hussain explains how these patterns are reflected in what CAT (Cognitive Analytic Therapy) calls reciprocal roles — learned dynamics that we replay in adult relationships. This becomes “the dance” — a repeating pattern, often unconscious, driven by our nervous system’s learned responses to relational cues.
Our nervous system is relational — it is in constant communication with the nervous systems of those around us. For true safety to exist, both people in a relationship need to feel safe with each other in mind AND nervous system. This mutual co-regulation is the foundation of secure connection.
Trauma lives in the nervous system. Nearly all trauma is relational — caused by someone, something, or the absence of someone or something. When left unhealed, trauma fragments become lodged in the memory n
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