December 9, 2025 • 34 mins
I even grossed myself out, News Headlines, Bert Kreischer & More!
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Okay, I think I know what that is.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Yeah, this is the Woody Show. Well, ladies, gentlemen, boys
and girls, please welcome to the Woody Show studio. The
Machine Bird Kreischer.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
Tom Scura gives you a shout out. I was talking
to him to this to him this morning on the car. Yeah,
he said, what are you doing? I said, I'm going
into radio, And he goes, radio radio, who are you doing?
And I said, and he goes, oh that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
He goes, yeah, Well, we still have a goal. We
just crossed off a bucket list item for Menace going
first class to Dubai on Emirates Airlines. We still have
a bucket list item for the show is to get
Tom in here like we've never had that. I know
he doesn't do a lot of stuff and he probably
(00:50):
will never come in I'm saying, but it's on there,
and so whenever you have one of those conversations, please
mention to him.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
I'm gonna have to include ecstasy. Fine, I'm sure need
to do hist him on a bender, like a Tuesday
night bender. Yeah, where we take ecstacy around four in
the morning. Okay, and I'll be like, let's stop by
Woody yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Perfect, We'll tell Tom we said hi, and he still
counts because we love him.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
He just finished his tour, his Specials coming out Christmas Day. Yeah,
and it's going to be so good.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Nice. Well, let me let me talk real quick about
what Bert's got going on, because man, there's so much
stuff happened in all these different Woody show cities. Well,
we'll start with just this week. So Sunday, Bert's going
to be in Saint Louis, so for friends listening on
one O five to seven point, he'll be at the
Enterprise Center. And then January twenty second, twenty third, Austin, Texas,
(01:39):
so everybody listening on one oh one X there in Austin.
He'll be at the Moody Theater. On February twenty sixth,
Fort Wayne, Indiana at the Allen County War Memorial Colisseum.
And then uh, let's see you got March twentieth, Pittsburgh
at PPG Paines Arena, So one of five nine the
X listeners get ready to go see Bert there April third,
(02:00):
sitting New Jersey, so our friends listening to one of
four five and then Indio, California, so all ninety eighty
seven or Palm Springs affiliate May twenty second, you can
go see Bird there. But even before, not before all that,
but in addition to all of that, he's hosting this
full throttle festival, which I've seen me talk about it
on your Instagram. It's like a pre party at the
(02:21):
Daytona five hundred. That's on Valentine's Day. It's Saturday, February fourteenth.
Tell us more about that, because this sounds pretty crazy badass.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
So, I have a great relationship with NASCAR, and we've
worked with him with Something's Burning In on Two Bears,
and I enjoy NASCAR, and so I and I and
oddly enough, you know, they're kind of my people. If
I go to a NASCAR event, I'm like, I.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Mean you are Florida Me. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
So I said, you know, let's do something in this
comedy medium. Rare, who puts on all the big events,
was like, let's do like a pre party. And I
was like, They're like comedy, I go, you gotta do
music too. You got to Here's the thing about NASCAR.
You go in and you bring your camper and you
unpack everything and you and that is your spot kind
of locked down and you have planned events for you
not to leave. So I go, if you go there,
(03:07):
you've got to make an event that's big enough for
someone to pack up the bikes, put everything down, put
the grill away, and come over. And so they're like,
what do you mean. I was like, there's only one
name that comes to mind. It's Leonard Skinnered. If I
can get Leonard Skinnered and get Diplo, diplow is gonna
do the after Leonard Slendard Skinnered and Diplo. And then
(03:27):
I just sent it BAXT to all my comedy friends
and I was like, I was like, if you want
to be on the show Favorite Nations, I'll I'll bring
you out. I'll pay you. But like, I'm not gonna
promote it with comics. I'm gonna put all the music
out and then we'll just go up and like in
between acts throughout the day and just everyone do sets.
We'll mess around. We'll make it fun and loose. We
got barbecue we bring in Ernest. There's an amazing talent,
uh barbecue beer. It's going to be a blast.
Speaker 4 (03:50):
That's awesome and the medium rare people that those are
the best parties I've ever been to in my best.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
They locked down the best print partners in the world.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
No, you'll have the best time any of these parties
that they put on.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
But I mean we went to Shacks Funhouse and it
was they do Shas House. They do the Fronks Beach Party.
They we know.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
We know about all those ye dude, yeah over the top,
yeah yeah. So when you buy a ticket to this,
like you also see the race or is like I don't.
So this is like the day before, this is.
Speaker 3 (04:26):
The day of Force. Everyone gets everyone goes to NASCAR
and gets there the day before, two days before. I mean,
NASCAR is a weekend event and.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
It's so for tickets for the again, it's the pre
party for the Daytona five hundred Saturday February fourteenth. Just
go to Bert Bertburt dot com. And then the other
thing that looks super fun is the Fully Loaded at Sea.
It's a it's a cruise which is happening. It's next year.
It's twenty twenty sixth November, so nineteenth through the twenty
(04:55):
third out of Miami goes to like Cosamel and a
bunch of your other comic friends and stuff will be
I know. Whitney Commings is part of that, there's gonna
be some music on there.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
And the crazy thing is, I look at these events
I've put together so like we're talking about being an
adult the other day or just earlier, and I've always
had I've always had a crisis with like the kind
of adult I am. Like all my friends invested in companies,
you know, like they're like, oh, we need.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
And you invested, like in an ice machine or something.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Can I tell you a company I didn't invest in
that my that I really regret? Uh? Was it? Fifteen
years ago? A cody called Pallenteer?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Pallenteer?
Speaker 3 (05:32):
What do they make or what do they do? They're
running the world?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Right? They changed their name or they changed fair in general,
pl A and T I are Peter's company. Oh yes,
and now he does this company. No no, no, that's
the new one, the new one. I could have invested
in that too. Damn.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
I'm friends with this billionaire who just likes my comedy.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
And the software powers real time AI driven decisions and
critical government and commercial process.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Okay, well, fifteen years ago, can I tell you even
a bigger miss? You ready for even a bigger miss?
One day? I'm on Rogan and Brian Redband goes, we
should buy this thing called bitcoin. Yeah, and I didn't
have any money, and Joe's like, what is it? We
were breaking it down. This is at the beginning of
bitcoin and do.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
You understand it now? I still don't it.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
But I also don't get Picasso right, like I don't
get I remember do you remember the craze when everyone
was doing what was the art? Thing?
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Like?
Speaker 3 (06:43):
Tom came to me, this is this is the crisis
I'm having with my identity. Tom came to me and
he's like, Yo, n f T S We're gonna go
big on him. I'm gonna sell n FTS from the show.
So I want to sell the kool Aid n f
T And I was like, what is it. He goes,
someone will own the moment you said, I drink thirty
pounds of kool aid. I how can that happen? He goes,
(07:04):
We'll make like a picture and we'll send it to
them and then they own it.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
But it's like, really, like do they're paying like ten
thousand dollars for it?
Speaker 1 (07:13):
I was like, for the time, I said something, whatever
they want.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Tom made a killing on NFTs. I refused to do it.
So I was like, I don't understand it, and I
feel like people are gonna get upset one day when
they go you keep saying kool aid. I own that
you can't say kool aid or what.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
I don't know exactly, I'm the same I got what
are you actually Even when you get explained it, it
doesn't make sense, right.
Speaker 4 (07:37):
Yeah, But I mean the NFT art thing was obviously
it was really stupid, but the NFT like access thing
was actually really cool. And that's the thing that kind
of like has stood out so like somebody could maybe
buy NFT to do be to go to every mean
greed that Bert ever does for the rest of his life.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
So it's like a golden ticket.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
Yeah, basically it's transformed into that cancer. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
I have so many people with cancer on my phone
right now. Yeah, I have so many people with cancer
on my phone.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
I make a wish gun.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
No, Okay, So I had this one time. This is
what happened. I had a joke. I'm not I'm not
telling it on staging works. It really messed me up.
I was doing I was doing crowd work when I
was a younger comic. Ikind of do crowd work clips
because crowd work. When I was doing it was only
when you were in trouble on stage. And now I'm
working on it because I'd like to get better at it,
but I'm also working on it now. We're special anyway.
So I was in Cincinnati and there was a group
(08:29):
of black women. They're all wearing the same shirt, and
I'm like, Hey, what's up, sisters? There is there a
family reunion this week? And they're like, huh, I when's
the cookout? And they're like, what are you talking about.
I go where's Big Mama? And they're like, we're not related.
And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. You guys are
all wearing the same colored shirt and they're like, it's pink.
(08:50):
I was like and and they're like, we have breast cancer.
And I was like, oh my god. I was like,
what an unlucky family. And they're like, we're not related,
we're just all black. And so the show goes horribly.
I cannot get out of the hole. I'm like, you
guys are doing good right now, and the one girl's like, no,
mine came back and it doesn't look good. I'm stage
(09:12):
four and I'm like how many stages are there? And
she's like four, and I was like, oh, that doesn't
sound good. So I go, can you do this side
of tequila? And she was like, oh yeah, I'm dying
do whatever I want. I can ride a motorcycle tomorrow.
So I was like all right. At the end of
the show, the woman comes up to me. She goes, hey,
that sucked. I want my money back. I was broke,
(09:33):
and I was like, listen, I can't give you your
money back. I don't make that much money. I say,
here's what I'll do. I owe you, So I'm gonna
give you my number. And then anytime you're feeling down,
you get feeling lonely, you're feel inside, you feel scared,
you call me. I'm gonna write jokes just for you,
just for you. I'm gonna write a ton of jokes
just for you that I think you'll like. And I
will start telling you jokes you just don't.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Want, jumps that kill Yeah, get out now, that's a
good one.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Thank you. So two weeks later, in my backyard, I'm
having red wine and my phone rings and I look
at it and it says black cancer. I didn't. I didn't.
I wanted to be prepared, Burt.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
That's what you put her on the phone. Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
Yeah, what am I gonna put Latifa?
Speaker 2 (10:13):
And then that's how the places where they put on
the receipt, Yeah exactly, they get fired.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
That would be a funny. Starbucks just described you double
chin smells like whiskey. Black cancer. Also black cancer calls.
So black cancer calls, and I go, I knew it was.
It wasn't gonna go well when I go, hey, you're
still alive. She went start with the jokes. So the
first joke I told her, I was like, what did
mister tisay after he pushed fifty cent in the pool?
(10:42):
It's quiet for sa? She goes, what now? I go,
I'm fitty the pool and she hung up. She hung up.
This is like fifteen years ago, so I was thinking
of putting that in the New Hour.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
So I messing.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
When I went on stage, I went to the front row.
Abby shout out to Abby, I hope you're listening. She goes,
I have cancer. I said what. She goes, I have cancer?
And I said, well, Abby, give me your phone number,
and I go, have you ever sad or if you
ever feel like I go, you can call me. It
works great. Abby's beating her cancer. She went in for
it's great by start doing that at my shows and
(11:19):
not everyone beats cancer. Yeah, and you're and you're dealing
with I have this. I mean not to get like
too deep, but I have like a fourteen year old
that I'm texting with and I am not equipped to
deal with what he's going through. I don't. And it's
like two morons.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
I was like, I mean, I was like, have you
been laid yet? Like?
Speaker 3 (11:39):
Can we get you laid? And might make this happen.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I know you're trying to be nice, but you may
end up in jail. I know. I don't, I.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
Know, And I'm like, I don't know what to say
to him. He's sixteen, he's sixteens. He gets he just
his dis's bad and he can't drive enough. I hope
he's not listening if he is, are you guys in
the Oregon.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
H Yeah yeah yeah, but uh, he's not out to Colton.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
He's a great kid. He's a great kid. But I
realize I'm ill equipped to deal with what these what
people are going through. I'm trying the kids, man.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
I'll tell you what.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
The Gangster movie I'm really into hats right, I'm really
into hats. But I'm also very I'm very cheap. So
I have this company, Clinkroom, who sends me custom hats.
They it's made by designers, no one else. They're one offs.
No one ever else gets them. I mean, you can
buy them on this clink Room site. But they're dope
and they're fitted, and they send me like twelve hats
(12:35):
at the beginning of every month, and they're really sick.
So I say to my office, I go, yo, Colton
is losing his hair. He loved his hair. Colton, if
you're listening, I hope you know. I'm just giving you love. Buddy.
He's losing his hair. He loved his hair. He's getting
a little insecure. I want you to send him a
ton of hats because we have snapback hats that I'll
never wear, and we have a lot of cool ones.
(12:55):
So Colton texts me a picture and it's him with
like fifteen clink Room hats. And my first instinct where
I go, were those my hats? They send him my hat?
I those are good hats. I got really upset. I go,
I go, hey, guys, don't send him my hats. Those
are my hats. And then They're like, no. We reached
(13:17):
out to clink Room. They sent him his fitted sized
hats and I went, oh, okay, I have other hats.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Well, burt Cer the machine is here. He's hanging out
with us for the hour. We're gonna take a quick
break and then we'll come back. You're on the Woody
Show More with Bert next, my cancer ad my ankle.
Speaker 5 (13:38):
Do you feel each individual pump pump?
Speaker 2 (13:44):
We've spent so much money over the past at a
handful of months on these prizes and.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Stuff, you'd be shocked. You'd be shocked that my wife
is so I don't know if the word is cheap
or good with money. That our mortgage I think is
like three grand.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Wow, that's insane.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Yeah, yeah, and it's a we live on an acre.
And when La.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Putney eight percent down, okay, right, I.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
Think she paid for the I think she paid for
the lot in cash, yeah, and then paid for the
rent of I think we were just paying off the renovation.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, she's just so good with it.
It's like MENACE's wife. MENACE's wife is really good. Like
she'll get free rental cars when yeah, you know, I
will go to the same place at the same time. Right,
their rental car was free. Mine was like five hundred
bucks for thirty one hours. Yeah, you know, how did
that happen? Greg's wind was blown the other day. I'm like,
I don't even know who the mortgage company is. Now,
(14:36):
how do you not know?
Speaker 3 (14:38):
I'm gonna blow you away? Right now, I'm gonna blow
you away. I found out recently. We have our old
house we rent to my sister's this old assistant, her family.
There's a young family, and it's the mortgage is literally nothing,
and we don't ask for more than the mortgage because
a little bit more just in case there her damages,
but so that it's a great deal. It's in Valley Village. Wow.
(15:00):
And my sister Kytie goes, yeah, they're there. They don't
use air conditioning or lights ever. So their electric bill
was nothing, and I went, wait, electric bills are on
how much you use electricity? You didn't know that? And
I go, no, I had no clue. I'm gonna blow
(15:20):
your mind. I'm gonna I'm gonna make somebody was a standard. Okay,
hear hear me out, hear me out. I move into
a dorm at eighteen, I then move into a fraternity house.
Everything's all in one six hundred dollars a month. That's it,
all right, And then I move into apartment with a
bunch of guys six hundred dollars a month. That's it.
I go then move to New York eight hundred dollars
a month. That's it. It's all inclusive, Okay. I then
(15:42):
move in. I moved out to La I sublet a
room twelve hundred dollars a month.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
Thirteen hundred dollars a month in the next place. That's it.
It's one cover. I then get Lamb pregnant.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
We move in together.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
She runs the apartment building. I've never paid a bill
in my life. I had no clue the whole I
thought it was a live tale when they go when
they go uh hey h turn the light off when
you leave a room. I was like, oh, what a
friend of goats. I'm gonna blow your mind this one. Okay,
all right, everyone started zero and I'm gonna I'm gonna
hear something. So someone told me that there's four time
(16:17):
zones in America, in continental or continental US. Okay, you
didn't know that. Now I know that you travel if
you do if you if you tell me the math,
I go, oh yeah, yeah, that doesn't make sense. You
got you got Eastern, uh, Central, right, Mountain, Mountain, Pacific. Yeah,
but the time difference from l A to New York
is only three hours? Correct? So where's the fourth hour?
Speaker 2 (16:40):
M hm uh oh? Like how is there? How can
there be four times?
Speaker 1 (16:46):
There's three hour difference total?
Speaker 2 (16:49):
All right, that's a really good question.
Speaker 5 (16:50):
Hold on, but aren't three in the contiguous and then
you have like Alaska and Hawaii? No, no, no, no,
you're talking about just yeah. So, by the way, by
the way, I just want to thank everyone in this
room for being as stupid as I was.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Eastern is three three hours, Central is two hours behind
one mountains.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Yeah, and then there's there's ours, I mean yeah, then
there's specific.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Where's the fourth hour?
Speaker 2 (17:14):
What do you mean the fourth Oh yeah?
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Hours time difference? What time is it right now? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:18):
All right, so yeah, I got it, seven thirty.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
Seven thirty.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
What time is it?
Speaker 3 (17:22):
It's tenth, ten thirty.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
So where's the fourth It's nine thirty in Central, eight thirty.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
It's just.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
The fourth is wherever you're zero zero stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
I got I figured that out. Okay, it's like I
got time travel wherever the fourth I was with the
Scholar brothers and they're like, hold on, you're confusing us.
Now it worked.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
You're in an time zone.
Speaker 5 (18:00):
Yeah, you're in two. That's right, Three, then four, then
by yeah, you see. I wish we could go back
in time to where I was nodding because.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
It's the idiot film Dumb while the Machine. Bert Kreischer
is here. We talked about the Tona five hundred party
that's happening, the Full Throttle Festival that's not until February.
Then he's got the fully Loaded at Sea twenty twenty
six cruise. Information about both those events you can get
by going to Bert bert bert dot com. Also, Bert's
(18:34):
got a new Netflix series it's going to be released
on January twenty seconds called Free Bert Nice. And I've
seen you posting different things when you were filming and
doing that stuff. But it's six episodes, right, It's basically
it's a it's a scripted version of like your life,
fictionalizedized fictionalized life. I don't think I've ever lived life.
Speaker 3 (18:55):
In my life.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Yeah, I was gonna say, it's kind of like everybody
loves Raymow, but not really that. It's more like a
cur you're enthusias because it's not Larry David, but it's
a fictionalized, you know, version of It's.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
It's it's a it's a it's I mean, it's tough
to explain, but it's because it's a really wild series.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Is it much like time Zone, It's hard to explain. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's uh, it takes a wild turn. It's a it's
it is.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
It's about the time of my life when I was
at an identity crist I'm always in an identity crisis,
but it was like the girls were going to school.
I kind of felt like a loser because all the
dads had jobs and I was like this guy and
flip flops and yeah, workout shorts and a sleeveless sweatshirt
and I always smelled like booze and I just was
an outsider and I and then there was a period
where I tried to like I tried to reinvent myself
(19:42):
and fit in and it it did not work in
real life. It put back where horrifically. I just started
dress trying to dress the part and and like I
you know, like grow up yeah, and it just did
not work. And and so it's based on that period
and and much like my regular life. I mean, i'll
give you a little but the story arc is I
overshare about my daughters on a podcast or on a
(20:05):
TV show, Like when I told about Isla's period on Conan.
We wanted to use that exact one, but it was
it was too close to home, and I just said no.
And so it's I overshare about my daughters and I
mess everything up for my daughters in school, and I
try to fix it and I make it worse and
it turns into a wild spiral. And so it's it's
very enjoyable. I really hope people like it.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
It's a cautionary tail, it is.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
And it's a hard R comedy. Great so I mean
aggressive family, like a nice hard one like like like
and the little girl, the little girls in it, Eva
and Leelu are monsters. But I will say that little
girl Leelu like she steals it. It is she plays Isla.
(20:50):
And imagine if you lived with a child for eighteen
nineteen years and then you wheeled it down to six episodes,
You're like, this kid is insane.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Well, it's called free Bert. It's gonna be on Netflix
on January twenty second. Is it one of those where
all six episodes will be released at the same time
or is it like.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
A one a week and so that you watch the
very end of one and you're dying to see what
happens in two, and you watch the very end of
two and you're like, oh my god, what happened to
a woody show? The machine?
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Bert Kreischer with us. You can check him out on
all social media platforms at Burt Kreischer. His website is
Bert Bertburt dot com, which is where you can find
all the information about that pre party, the Full Throttle
Festival happening before the Daytona five hundred in February, the
Burt Kreischer Fully Loaded at Sea Cruise that's happening November
(21:47):
of next year. They get Burt burtbert dot com and
of course this weekend he'll be in Saint Louis. Then
he's going to Austin, Texas in January February, Fort Wayne, Indiana,
March twentieth, Pittsburgh April third, Atlantic City, New Jersey, May
twenty second, Indio, California. All we do show cities, so uh,
go see Burt Kreischer details and more again Bert bert
(22:08):
Bert dot com. We'd have while you're here. We figured
you'd be a good person to have in studio because
Gina has had a question for the Fellas.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
I've been thinking about this. I don't know what you
really are.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
A man's man, a man.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
To have an answer.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
I cry. You cry more than the average guy does cry.
You cry more than anybody I know. What is that?
Is it always been that way? No, It's just I
was just gonna say, because dude, I don't know what's
going on?
Speaker 5 (22:37):
Man?
Speaker 2 (22:37):
How old are you again? You're okay? So I'm forty nine?
Is it low? T? No?
Speaker 3 (22:41):
Because he does right mystery? Twenty five pounds? Bro?
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Yeah? Movie has it? Has it chilled? Since you started with? No? No? No?
Speaker 3 (22:49):
If there are certain stories that if I start telling,
you start crying, And there are stories that don't matter
that if I tell, like if we watched our we
watched the pilot or the trailer to my new show,
and uh Leanne can tell when I start crying, then
no one sees it.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
And she I cry watching it, put her hand on
my leg and I was like, sorry, I cry so much.
My wife will ridicule me. You're getting soft. It's fun
to cry, it's nice, but it's weird when you cry.
It like weird things.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
It's like the end of Endgame, right with when when
Spider Man starts to disintegrate and he looks and he
looks and Iron Man and he goes, iron Man tell
me I don't want to die. And I started, and
my daughter goes, I know you're a big Spider Man fan.
(23:42):
I was like, no, it's it's like I feel. I'm
going to tell you a video of me crying. I'll
get it, I'll get it loaded, and i'll give it
to you.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
I did not want to.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
I was driving down the street. It was last Saturday,
and Uh, a widespread panic sake song came on and
I just heard the lyrics clearly for the first time,
and I started crying. On the corner of UH, in
the corner of Woodman and Chandler. I just sobbing, crying,
and then I was like, what, what's the what's the song? Uh?
(24:12):
Uh picking up the pieces?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
No, No, it's uh ain't like grand.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
Uh No, it's plane.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
No.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
Wait wait, I didn't know you were watched for a panafan. No.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
I just know a few songs. Oh, well, look it up.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Very important.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Yeah, it's a man's man kind of question. Yeah, and uh,
we'll see, we'll see what all the fellows in the
room thing and everybody listen, of course, fellows chime in
on the text over to two two nine eight seven,
because I think.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
We all think we know the answer, but I want
to hear it from you guys. We who ladies, Yeah, ladies. Okay,
what has been consistently the best throughout your life? Hand parties,
mouth parties, or sex?
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Like asistently consistently What's I think women.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Would just be like out sex, But I've heard from
guys that that is not the case, and I'm curious.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
All right, So either handy, mouth party, or or what's
been consistently the best?
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm gonna take this one.
And as a man that's going through a lot of
issues with this, I will say, mouth parties wildly dropped off. Yeah,
I mean quantity, No, no, no, I'm.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
I was.
Speaker 3 (25:28):
I was. I thought you were asking which maintained its
enjoyment the most. Man Like the first time you got
a hand party, you're like, oh, You're like this is
pretty good. It was nothing compared to a mouth party.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Well, big wheels are cool until you get a bike.
Bike is cool ontil you get a car. The car
is good until you have like a private jet or something, right,
I mean like it's just a based on your experience.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
But it's it's it's more. You can't go big wheels,
all right, You gotta think, you gotta think all equal
forms of transportation tricycle. Okay. So like, uh, let's just
say a hand party is a car, okay, what it is?
All right? A mouth party is a motorcycle, okay.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Dangerous.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
And then the first time you have sex, it's like
it's like a hoverboard. I mean, unprotected sex is better
than cocaine the first time. The first time you have
it is like.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
There is a lord and I want to live in here. Dangerous.
I think I think we all, I think we all
agree that. Okay, So can we all eliminate as fellas?
Can we all eliminate hand party?
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Keep the handy on the table right now.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
I'll tell you right now if if mouth parties are motorcycles,
I've seen the fatality numbers and I'm not getting on them,
and I'll tell you, I'll tell you.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
So what's the problem with hold on? What's so? What's
the problem with the mouth party? Now?
Speaker 3 (26:52):
It's just not as they're still nice. But I can't
if the first one I ever got, first mouth party
I ever got, was in Room one eleven in Sally Hall,
in a bunk bed, in a bunk bed, and her
head was hitting the ceiling, and I remember going, I'm
gonna get abbestos from But I remember that feeling was
(27:16):
overwhelming and I was in and out in a matter
of seconds. I mean, I think, I mean, really, it
was like watching a kid play with a loaded gun.
You just didn't know what happened. And then next you know,
she was like back into the left, like JFK. But
now I look at those and if you said to me, hey, listen,
I need you to you're gonna get a mouth party
from your wife, and you need to complete said mouth
(27:39):
party before the end of this Game of Thrones episode,
I'd be.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Like, good luck.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
Really, yeah, I just they don't is that I.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Don't know that sounds like a criticism of style points.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
First time I got a mouth party from my wife,
I was like, this chick might be a slut. She
is so good.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
I mean, how many of these has she ten thousand hours?
It's like watching they are Can you break into the
main frame and the guy goes, give me your computer.
You're like, WHOA.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
But but I will say, if we're talking consistency, a
hand party has always delivered the same exact way.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
It is not changed.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
It's not better or worse. It is like pasta. It's
always good. Say cheeseburger. Hand party is a cheeseburger. It's
hard to play with a cheeseburger. A mouth party is sushi. Yeah,
you're rolling the dice on it sometimes.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
I feel like consistency would be the mouth party, right,
I have a vastly different answer. I think I think
the one that's like hit or miss could be the
hand party. Yeah, maybe you haven't had the right hand party.
That it's it's it's so it's it's almost interesting. It's
like it's fun, unaggressive party, like a surprise hand party.
(28:56):
But when I was.
Speaker 5 (28:59):
When I was with Surprise, when I was Chicks, I
would just say sex but consistently good throughout life.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
Mouth party. Wow, Yeah, sure that would.
Speaker 3 (29:08):
Be the top mouth party.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
I just heard horror stories about hand parties, like because.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
Dry take aggress like you get what you can get. Listen,
but they usually start unexpected like hand parties kind of
like dry humping and like like it's like that that
seems to be the training wheels of your of your
sex life. I just said to my wife the other day, like,
there's so like when I hand party myself. There's certain
(29:36):
things I can't watch porn anymore. I don't know why.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
It just doesn't. It's I don't know, everyone's too young,
and it's just not not what I I'm used to doing, you.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Know, crying too much, crying black dudes.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
So and so I said to her, I said, there's
three things I think of in our in our sex
that I go back to moments where you got a
little unbridled where it caught me off guard and I
loved it. And she goes really and one of them
is a hand party. One of them was just a
I mean, I'll give you the details so that you
understand what I'm talking about. We do we do her
(30:10):
mouth party first right a little bit, and so normally
we go straight to sex and that's what happens. But
there's something on this woman. There's like the there's a
full moon, and she changed, she got she caught side
guard on me. Okay, side guard meaning I'm in like
a uma plata like it's a it's a it's She
went jiu jitsu on me, you making it like and
(30:33):
just like from one from her and then right not
to sex and got on me and just started going
to town. And within minutes I went hand party and
caught me off guard. I catched so quick, really, and
I and I go. I didn't expect that. I didn't
want that, but it's what I needed. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
See, totally agree with Bert. Hand party is all reliable, reliable.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
Hey, listen, when you're in the car and you get
you get a hand party out of nowhere, You're like,
what the come on?
Speaker 2 (31:04):
It always shows up, it always delivers.
Speaker 3 (31:06):
It's like your high school coach.
Speaker 2 (31:07):
He's never gonna let you down.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
So you're saying that a hand party always can add
the element of surprise. Looks sex is sex is a.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
It's a family dinner for Thanksgiving, a lot to set
up a lot of mood.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Both of you have to into it. Both of you
have to be into it right.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
If her AD's not into it, then all of a
sudden you're having sex and she's got a weird look
on her face, like and then you feel creepy, and
then you feel creepy, and then she breaks a sweat
and you're like, uh, oh, dude, a surprise hand surprise party.
You're driving back from the beach, and then all of
a sudden she just leans over. You're like, oh, okay,
(31:44):
in context, yeah, context if you're watching TV and all
of a sudden somebody's playing down there, and then you
realize we're taking this all the way, it makes it better.
And then a surprise mouth party sometimes is a little
much like the cars next to us.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Conscious You're like, oh god, did I excuse it? You know, yeah,
I worked out this morning. Text says, uh, they're votes
for sex. Women aren't great at hand parties, and mouth
parties have dropped off.
Speaker 3 (32:11):
For me over the years.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Okay, I see that's I don't know. That's always the
welcome guest is the mouth party. The hand party is
kind of inconsistent. Sex seems to be more like kind
of old reliable because as a dude from me, I
could see where it's very intermiss because you know that
you guys are more complicated, but mouth. Parties are like camping.
They're fun when you're young, but when you're older, you're like.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
This is very interesting. Wow, wow, all right, well no,
this is helpful, this is really so.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
You're also talking to a married man. Yeah, I only
shop at one store. I get it now.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
If we're in a car, it's some sweetish chick. My
wife's dad, My wife dad rest in peace. I don't
know if I want the eye contact from a stranger.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Well, I think that's a good place to end, don't you.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Thank you absolutely.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Bert Kreischer. Ladies and gentlemen at Bert Kreischer on all
the social media platforms you can find them Bert bert
bert dot com. Check out the details on the pre
party for the Daytona five hundred, the Full Throttle Festival
happening in February, the Fully Loaded at Sea cruise next November.
Of course all the shows. The guy just can't be home.
He's like minutes, just can't bet. I'm gonna see if
(33:28):
I can sneak home and get a hand party in
the now. She just got out of bed. Always got
to be on the run. And then the Netflix series
Free Bert will be released on January twenty second, six episodes.
Check it out The Machine, Bert Kreischer every day. We
love you so much.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
I'm gonna send you a gift box for free Bert
when it comes out, but I need you to open
it on air.
Speaker 2 (33:50):
Oh sweet, Yeah, you know what. We never get those.
I know obvious. See all the other shows to get
those like these cool gifts and they post them on
their social media.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
We don't get anything.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
We'll get one for Burt.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
You're giving one and boy, you're gonna love it and
it's gonna live in this studio for the rest of We.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Love you man than you guys, I love you coming
in and say hi to Tom for us and like
legitimately and uh uh, you know I'm not I'm not
saying that because he hates radio. He said, we counted,
so yeah, that's a legitimate Hello. All right, we got
to t get a quick break. More Wood he show
his next Hanging the Woody Show.
Speaker 3 (34:24):
We'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
Where's you your mother
Okay, I think I know what that is.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Yeah, this is the Woody Show. Well, ladies, gentlemen, boys
and girls, please welcome to the Woody Show studio. The
Machine Bird Kreischer.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
Tom Scura gives you a shout out. I was talking
to him to this to him this morning on the car. Yeah,
he said, what are you doing? I said, I'm going
into radio, And he goes, radio radio, who are you doing?
And I said, and he goes, oh that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
He goes, yeah, Well, we still have a goal. We
just crossed off a bucket list item for Menace going
first class to Dubai on Emirates Airlines. We still have
a bucket list item for the show is to get
Tom in here like we've never had that. I know
he doesn't do a lot of stuff and he probably
(00:50):
will never come in I'm saying, but it's on there,
and so whenever you have one of those conversations, please
mention to him.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
I'm gonna have to include ecstasy. Fine, I'm sure need
to do hist him on a bender, like a Tuesday
night bender. Yeah, where we take ecstacy around four in
the morning. Okay, and I'll be like, let's stop by
Woody yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Perfect, We'll tell Tom we said hi, and he still
counts because we love him.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
He just finished his tour, his Specials coming out Christmas Day. Yeah,
and it's going to be so good.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Nice. Well, let me let me talk real quick about
what Bert's got going on, because man, there's so much
stuff happened in all these different Woody show cities. Well,
we'll start with just this week. So Sunday, Bert's going
to be in Saint Louis, so for friends listening on
one O five to seven point, he'll be at the
Enterprise Center. And then January twenty second, twenty third, Austin, Texas,
(01:39):
so everybody listening on one oh one X there in Austin.
He'll be at the Moody Theater. On February twenty sixth,
Fort Wayne, Indiana at the Allen County War Memorial Colisseum.
And then uh, let's see you got March twentieth, Pittsburgh
at PPG Paines Arena, So one of five nine the
X listeners get ready to go see Bert there April third,
(02:00):
sitting New Jersey, so our friends listening to one of
four five and then Indio, California, so all ninety eighty
seven or Palm Springs affiliate May twenty second, you can
go see Bird there. But even before, not before all that,
but in addition to all of that, he's hosting this
full throttle festival, which I've seen me talk about it
on your Instagram. It's like a pre party at the
(02:21):
Daytona five hundred. That's on Valentine's Day. It's Saturday, February fourteenth.
Tell us more about that, because this sounds pretty crazy badass.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
So, I have a great relationship with NASCAR, and we've
worked with him with Something's Burning In on Two Bears,
and I enjoy NASCAR, and so I and I and
oddly enough, you know, they're kind of my people. If
I go to a NASCAR event, I'm like, I.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Mean you are Florida Me. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
So I said, you know, let's do something in this
comedy medium. Rare, who puts on all the big events,
was like, let's do like a pre party. And I
was like, They're like comedy, I go, you gotta do
music too. You got to Here's the thing about NASCAR.
You go in and you bring your camper and you
unpack everything and you and that is your spot kind
of locked down and you have planned events for you
not to leave. So I go, if you go there,
(03:07):
you've got to make an event that's big enough for
someone to pack up the bikes, put everything down, put
the grill away, and come over. And so they're like,
what do you mean. I was like, there's only one
name that comes to mind. It's Leonard Skinnered. If I
can get Leonard Skinnered and get Diplo, diplow is gonna
do the after Leonard Slendard Skinnered and Diplo. And then
(03:27):
I just sent it BAXT to all my comedy friends
and I was like, I was like, if you want
to be on the show Favorite Nations, I'll I'll bring
you out. I'll pay you. But like, I'm not gonna
promote it with comics. I'm gonna put all the music
out and then we'll just go up and like in
between acts throughout the day and just everyone do sets.
We'll mess around. We'll make it fun and loose. We
got barbecue we bring in Ernest. There's an amazing talent,
uh barbecue beer. It's going to be a blast.
Speaker 4 (03:50):
That's awesome and the medium rare people that those are
the best parties I've ever been to in my best.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
They locked down the best print partners in the world.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
No, you'll have the best time any of these parties
that they put on.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
But I mean we went to Shacks Funhouse and it
was they do Shas House. They do the Fronks Beach Party.
They we know.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
We know about all those ye dude, yeah over the top,
yeah yeah. So when you buy a ticket to this,
like you also see the race or is like I don't.
So this is like the day before, this is.
Speaker 3 (04:26):
The day of Force. Everyone gets everyone goes to NASCAR
and gets there the day before, two days before. I mean,
NASCAR is a weekend event and.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
It's so for tickets for the again, it's the pre
party for the Daytona five hundred Saturday February fourteenth. Just
go to Bert Bertburt dot com. And then the other
thing that looks super fun is the Fully Loaded at Sea.
It's a it's a cruise which is happening. It's next year.
It's twenty twenty sixth November, so nineteenth through the twenty
(04:55):
third out of Miami goes to like Cosamel and a
bunch of your other comic friends and stuff will be
I know. Whitney Commings is part of that, there's gonna
be some music on there.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
And the crazy thing is, I look at these events
I've put together so like we're talking about being an
adult the other day or just earlier, and I've always
had I've always had a crisis with like the kind
of adult I am. Like all my friends invested in companies,
you know, like they're like, oh, we need.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
And you invested, like in an ice machine or something.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Can I tell you a company I didn't invest in
that my that I really regret? Uh? Was it? Fifteen
years ago? A cody called Pallenteer?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Pallenteer?
Speaker 3 (05:32):
What do they make or what do they do? They're
running the world?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Right? They changed their name or they changed fair in general,
pl A and T I are Peter's company. Oh yes,
and now he does this company. No no, no, that's
the new one, the new one. I could have invested
in that too. Damn.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
I'm friends with this billionaire who just likes my comedy.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
And the software powers real time AI driven decisions and
critical government and commercial process.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Okay, well, fifteen years ago, can I tell you even
a bigger miss? You ready for even a bigger miss?
One day? I'm on Rogan and Brian Redband goes, we
should buy this thing called bitcoin. Yeah, and I didn't
have any money, and Joe's like, what is it? We
were breaking it down. This is at the beginning of
bitcoin and do.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
You understand it now? I still don't it.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
But I also don't get Picasso right, like I don't
get I remember do you remember the craze when everyone
was doing what was the art? Thing?
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Like?
Speaker 3 (06:43):
Tom came to me, this is this is the crisis
I'm having with my identity. Tom came to me and
he's like, Yo, n f T S We're gonna go
big on him. I'm gonna sell n FTS from the show.
So I want to sell the kool Aid n f
T And I was like, what is it. He goes,
someone will own the moment you said, I drink thirty
pounds of kool aid. I how can that happen? He goes,
(07:04):
We'll make like a picture and we'll send it to
them and then they own it.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
But it's like, really, like do they're paying like ten
thousand dollars for it?
Speaker 1 (07:13):
I was like, for the time, I said something, whatever
they want.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Tom made a killing on NFTs. I refused to do it.
So I was like, I don't understand it, and I
feel like people are gonna get upset one day when
they go you keep saying kool aid. I own that
you can't say kool aid or what.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
I don't know exactly, I'm the same I got what
are you actually Even when you get explained it, it
doesn't make sense, right.
Speaker 4 (07:37):
Yeah, But I mean the NFT art thing was obviously
it was really stupid, but the NFT like access thing
was actually really cool. And that's the thing that kind
of like has stood out so like somebody could maybe
buy NFT to do be to go to every mean
greed that Bert ever does for the rest of his life.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
So it's like a golden ticket.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
Yeah, basically it's transformed into that cancer. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
I have so many people with cancer on my phone
right now. Yeah, I have so many people with cancer
on my phone.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
I make a wish gun.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
No, Okay, So I had this one time. This is
what happened. I had a joke. I'm not I'm not
telling it on staging works. It really messed me up.
I was doing I was doing crowd work when I
was a younger comic. Ikind of do crowd work clips
because crowd work. When I was doing it was only
when you were in trouble on stage. And now I'm
working on it because I'd like to get better at it,
but I'm also working on it now. We're special anyway.
So I was in Cincinnati and there was a group
(08:29):
of black women. They're all wearing the same shirt, and
I'm like, Hey, what's up, sisters? There is there a
family reunion this week? And they're like, huh, I when's
the cookout? And they're like, what are you talking about.
I go where's Big Mama? And they're like, we're not related.
And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. You guys are
all wearing the same colored shirt and they're like, it's pink.
(08:50):
I was like and and they're like, we have breast cancer.
And I was like, oh my god. I was like,
what an unlucky family. And they're like, we're not related,
we're just all black. And so the show goes horribly.
I cannot get out of the hole. I'm like, you
guys are doing good right now, and the one girl's like, no,
mine came back and it doesn't look good. I'm stage
(09:12):
four and I'm like how many stages are there? And
she's like four, and I was like, oh, that doesn't
sound good. So I go, can you do this side
of tequila? And she was like, oh yeah, I'm dying
do whatever I want. I can ride a motorcycle tomorrow.
So I was like all right. At the end of
the show, the woman comes up to me. She goes, hey,
that sucked. I want my money back. I was broke,
(09:33):
and I was like, listen, I can't give you your
money back. I don't make that much money. I say,
here's what I'll do. I owe you, So I'm gonna
give you my number. And then anytime you're feeling down,
you get feeling lonely, you're feel inside, you feel scared,
you call me. I'm gonna write jokes just for you,
just for you. I'm gonna write a ton of jokes
just for you that I think you'll like. And I
will start telling you jokes you just don't.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Want, jumps that kill Yeah, get out now, that's a
good one.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Thank you. So two weeks later, in my backyard, I'm
having red wine and my phone rings and I look
at it and it says black cancer. I didn't. I didn't.
I wanted to be prepared, Burt.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
That's what you put her on the phone. Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
Yeah, what am I gonna put Latifa?
Speaker 2 (10:13):
And then that's how the places where they put on
the receipt, Yeah exactly, they get fired.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
That would be a funny. Starbucks just described you double
chin smells like whiskey. Black cancer. Also black cancer calls.
So black cancer calls, and I go, I knew it was.
It wasn't gonna go well when I go, hey, you're
still alive. She went start with the jokes. So the
first joke I told her, I was like, what did
mister tisay after he pushed fifty cent in the pool?
(10:42):
It's quiet for sa? She goes, what now? I go,
I'm fitty the pool and she hung up. She hung up.
This is like fifteen years ago, so I was thinking
of putting that in the New Hour.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
So I messing.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
When I went on stage, I went to the front row.
Abby shout out to Abby, I hope you're listening. She goes,
I have cancer. I said what. She goes, I have cancer?
And I said, well, Abby, give me your phone number,
and I go, have you ever sad or if you
ever feel like I go, you can call me. It
works great. Abby's beating her cancer. She went in for
it's great by start doing that at my shows and
(11:19):
not everyone beats cancer. Yeah, and you're and you're dealing
with I have this. I mean not to get like
too deep, but I have like a fourteen year old
that I'm texting with and I am not equipped to
deal with what he's going through. I don't. And it's
like two morons.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
I was like, I mean, I was like, have you
been laid yet? Like?
Speaker 3 (11:39):
Can we get you laid? And might make this happen.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I know you're trying to be nice, but you may
end up in jail. I know. I don't, I.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
Know, And I'm like, I don't know what to say
to him. He's sixteen, he's sixteens. He gets he just
his dis's bad and he can't drive enough. I hope
he's not listening if he is, are you guys in
the Oregon.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
H Yeah yeah yeah, but uh, he's not out to Colton.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
He's a great kid. He's a great kid. But I
realize I'm ill equipped to deal with what these what
people are going through. I'm trying the kids, man.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
I'll tell you what.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
The Gangster movie I'm really into hats right, I'm really
into hats. But I'm also very I'm very cheap. So
I have this company, Clinkroom, who sends me custom hats.
They it's made by designers, no one else. They're one offs.
No one ever else gets them. I mean, you can
buy them on this clink Room site. But they're dope
and they're fitted, and they send me like twelve hats
(12:35):
at the beginning of every month, and they're really sick.
So I say to my office, I go, yo, Colton
is losing his hair. He loved his hair. Colton, if
you're listening, I hope you know. I'm just giving you love. Buddy.
He's losing his hair. He loved his hair. He's getting
a little insecure. I want you to send him a
ton of hats because we have snapback hats that I'll
never wear, and we have a lot of cool ones.
(12:55):
So Colton texts me a picture and it's him with
like fifteen clink Room hats. And my first instinct where
I go, were those my hats? They send him my hat?
I those are good hats. I got really upset. I go,
I go, hey, guys, don't send him my hats. Those
are my hats. And then They're like, no. We reached
(13:17):
out to clink Room. They sent him his fitted sized
hats and I went, oh, okay, I have other hats.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Well, burt Cer the machine is here. He's hanging out
with us for the hour. We're gonna take a quick
break and then we'll come back. You're on the Woody
Show More with Bert next, my cancer ad my ankle.
Speaker 5 (13:38):
Do you feel each individual pump pump?
Speaker 2 (13:44):
We've spent so much money over the past at a
handful of months on these prizes and.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Stuff, you'd be shocked. You'd be shocked that my wife
is so I don't know if the word is cheap
or good with money. That our mortgage I think is
like three grand.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Wow, that's insane.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Yeah, yeah, and it's a we live on an acre.
And when La.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Putney eight percent down, okay, right, I.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
Think she paid for the I think she paid for
the lot in cash, yeah, and then paid for the
rent of I think we were just paying off the renovation.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, she's just so good with it.
It's like MENACE's wife. MENACE's wife is really good. Like
she'll get free rental cars when yeah, you know, I
will go to the same place at the same time. Right,
their rental car was free. Mine was like five hundred
bucks for thirty one hours. Yeah, you know, how did
that happen? Greg's wind was blown the other day. I'm like,
I don't even know who the mortgage company is. Now,
(14:36):
how do you not know?
Speaker 3 (14:38):
I'm gonna blow you away? Right now, I'm gonna blow
you away. I found out recently. We have our old
house we rent to my sister's this old assistant, her family.
There's a young family, and it's the mortgage is literally nothing,
and we don't ask for more than the mortgage because
a little bit more just in case there her damages,
but so that it's a great deal. It's in Valley Village. Wow.
(15:00):
And my sister Kytie goes, yeah, they're there. They don't
use air conditioning or lights ever. So their electric bill
was nothing, and I went, wait, electric bills are on
how much you use electricity? You didn't know that? And
I go, no, I had no clue. I'm gonna blow
(15:20):
your mind. I'm gonna I'm gonna make somebody was a standard. Okay,
hear hear me out, hear me out. I move into
a dorm at eighteen, I then move into a fraternity house.
Everything's all in one six hundred dollars a month. That's it,
all right, And then I move into apartment with a
bunch of guys six hundred dollars a month. That's it.
I go then move to New York eight hundred dollars
a month. That's it. It's all inclusive, Okay. I then
(15:42):
move in. I moved out to La I sublet a
room twelve hundred dollars a month.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
Thirteen hundred dollars a month in the next place. That's it.
It's one cover. I then get Lamb pregnant.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
We move in together.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
She runs the apartment building. I've never paid a bill
in my life. I had no clue the whole I
thought it was a live tale when they go when
they go uh hey h turn the light off when
you leave a room. I was like, oh, what a
friend of goats. I'm gonna blow your mind this one. Okay,
all right, everyone started zero and I'm gonna I'm gonna
hear something. So someone told me that there's four time
(16:17):
zones in America, in continental or continental US. Okay, you
didn't know that. Now I know that you travel if
you do if you if you tell me the math,
I go, oh yeah, yeah, that doesn't make sense. You
got you got Eastern, uh, Central, right, Mountain, Mountain, Pacific. Yeah,
but the time difference from l A to New York
is only three hours? Correct? So where's the fourth hour?
Speaker 2 (16:40):
M hm uh oh? Like how is there? How can
there be four times?
Speaker 1 (16:46):
There's three hour difference total?
Speaker 2 (16:49):
All right, that's a really good question.
Speaker 5 (16:50):
Hold on, but aren't three in the contiguous and then
you have like Alaska and Hawaii? No, no, no, no,
you're talking about just yeah. So, by the way, by
the way, I just want to thank everyone in this
room for being as stupid as I was.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Eastern is three three hours, Central is two hours behind
one mountains.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Yeah, and then there's there's ours, I mean yeah, then
there's specific.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Where's the fourth hour?
Speaker 2 (17:14):
What do you mean the fourth Oh yeah?
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Hours time difference? What time is it right now? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:18):
All right, so yeah, I got it, seven thirty.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
Seven thirty.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
What time is it?
Speaker 3 (17:22):
It's tenth, ten thirty.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
So where's the fourth It's nine thirty in Central, eight thirty.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
It's just.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
The fourth is wherever you're zero zero stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
I got I figured that out. Okay, it's like I
got time travel wherever the fourth I was with the
Scholar brothers and they're like, hold on, you're confusing us.
Now it worked.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
You're in an time zone.
Speaker 5 (18:00):
Yeah, you're in two. That's right, Three, then four, then
by yeah, you see. I wish we could go back
in time to where I was nodding because.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
It's the idiot film Dumb while the Machine. Bert Kreischer
is here. We talked about the Tona five hundred party
that's happening, the Full Throttle Festival that's not until February.
Then he's got the fully Loaded at Sea twenty twenty
six cruise. Information about both those events you can get
by going to Bert bert bert dot com. Also, Bert's
(18:34):
got a new Netflix series it's going to be released
on January twenty seconds called Free Bert Nice. And I've
seen you posting different things when you were filming and
doing that stuff. But it's six episodes, right, It's basically
it's a it's a scripted version of like your life,
fictionalizedized fictionalized life. I don't think I've ever lived life.
Speaker 3 (18:55):
In my life.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Yeah, I was gonna say, it's kind of like everybody
loves Raymow, but not really that. It's more like a
cur you're enthusias because it's not Larry David, but it's
a fictionalized, you know, version of It's.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
It's it's a it's a it's I mean, it's tough
to explain, but it's because it's a really wild series.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Is it much like time Zone, It's hard to explain. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's uh, it takes a wild turn. It's a it's
it is.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
It's about the time of my life when I was
at an identity crist I'm always in an identity crisis,
but it was like the girls were going to school.
I kind of felt like a loser because all the
dads had jobs and I was like this guy and
flip flops and yeah, workout shorts and a sleeveless sweatshirt
and I always smelled like booze and I just was
an outsider and I and then there was a period
where I tried to like I tried to reinvent myself
(19:42):
and fit in and it it did not work in
real life. It put back where horrifically. I just started
dress trying to dress the part and and like I
you know, like grow up yeah, and it just did
not work. And and so it's based on that period
and and much like my regular life. I mean, i'll
give you a little but the story arc is I
overshare about my daughters on a podcast or on a
(20:05):
TV show, Like when I told about Isla's period on Conan.
We wanted to use that exact one, but it was
it was too close to home, and I just said no.
And so it's I overshare about my daughters and I
mess everything up for my daughters in school, and I
try to fix it and I make it worse and
it turns into a wild spiral. And so it's it's
very enjoyable. I really hope people like it.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
It's a cautionary tail, it is.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
And it's a hard R comedy. Great so I mean
aggressive family, like a nice hard one like like like
and the little girl, the little girls in it, Eva
and Leelu are monsters. But I will say that little
girl Leelu like she steals it. It is she plays Isla.
(20:50):
And imagine if you lived with a child for eighteen
nineteen years and then you wheeled it down to six episodes,
You're like, this kid is insane.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Well, it's called free Bert. It's gonna be on Netflix
on January twenty second. Is it one of those where
all six episodes will be released at the same time
or is it like.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
A one a week and so that you watch the
very end of one and you're dying to see what
happens in two, and you watch the very end of
two and you're like, oh my god, what happened to
a woody show? The machine?
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Bert Kreischer with us. You can check him out on
all social media platforms at Burt Kreischer. His website is
Bert Bertburt dot com, which is where you can find
all the information about that pre party, the Full Throttle
Festival happening before the Daytona five hundred in February, the
Burt Kreischer Fully Loaded at Sea Cruise that's happening November
(21:47):
of next year. They get Burt burtbert dot com and
of course this weekend he'll be in Saint Louis. Then
he's going to Austin, Texas in January February, Fort Wayne, Indiana,
March twentieth, Pittsburgh April third, Atlantic City, New Jersey, May
twenty second, Indio, California. All we do show cities, so uh,
go see Burt Kreischer details and more again Bert bert
(22:08):
Bert dot com. We'd have while you're here. We figured
you'd be a good person to have in studio because
Gina has had a question for the Fellas.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
I've been thinking about this. I don't know what you
really are.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
A man's man, a man.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
To have an answer.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
I cry. You cry more than the average guy does cry.
You cry more than anybody I know. What is that?
Is it always been that way? No, It's just I
was just gonna say, because dude, I don't know what's
going on?
Speaker 5 (22:37):
Man?
Speaker 2 (22:37):
How old are you again? You're okay? So I'm forty nine?
Is it low? T? No?
Speaker 3 (22:41):
Because he does right mystery? Twenty five pounds? Bro?
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Yeah? Movie has it? Has it chilled? Since you started with? No? No? No?
Speaker 3 (22:49):
If there are certain stories that if I start telling,
you start crying, And there are stories that don't matter
that if I tell, like if we watched our we
watched the pilot or the trailer to my new show,
and uh Leanne can tell when I start crying, then
no one sees it.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
And she I cry watching it, put her hand on
my leg and I was like, sorry, I cry so much.
My wife will ridicule me. You're getting soft. It's fun
to cry, it's nice, but it's weird when you cry.
It like weird things.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
It's like the end of Endgame, right with when when
Spider Man starts to disintegrate and he looks and he
looks and Iron Man and he goes, iron Man tell
me I don't want to die. And I started, and
my daughter goes, I know you're a big Spider Man fan.
(23:42):
I was like, no, it's it's like I feel. I'm
going to tell you a video of me crying. I'll
get it, I'll get it loaded, and i'll give it
to you.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
I did not want to.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
I was driving down the street. It was last Saturday,
and Uh, a widespread panic sake song came on and
I just heard the lyrics clearly for the first time,
and I started crying. On the corner of UH, in
the corner of Woodman and Chandler. I just sobbing, crying,
and then I was like, what, what's the what's the song? Uh?
(24:12):
Uh picking up the pieces?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
No, No, it's uh ain't like grand.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
Uh No, it's plane.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
No.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
Wait wait, I didn't know you were watched for a panafan. No.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
I just know a few songs. Oh, well, look it up.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Very important.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Yeah, it's a man's man kind of question. Yeah, and uh,
we'll see, we'll see what all the fellows in the
room thing and everybody listen, of course, fellows chime in
on the text over to two two nine eight seven,
because I think.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
We all think we know the answer, but I want
to hear it from you guys. We who ladies, Yeah, ladies. Okay,
what has been consistently the best throughout your life? Hand parties,
mouth parties, or sex?
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Like asistently consistently What's I think women.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Would just be like out sex, But I've heard from
guys that that is not the case, and I'm curious.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
All right, So either handy, mouth party, or or what's
been consistently the best?
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm gonna take this one.
And as a man that's going through a lot of
issues with this, I will say, mouth parties wildly dropped off. Yeah,
I mean quantity, No, no, no, I'm.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
I was.
Speaker 3 (25:28):
I was. I thought you were asking which maintained its
enjoyment the most. Man Like the first time you got
a hand party, you're like, oh, You're like this is
pretty good. It was nothing compared to a mouth party.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Well, big wheels are cool until you get a bike.
Bike is cool ontil you get a car. The car
is good until you have like a private jet or something, right,
I mean like it's just a based on your experience.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
But it's it's it's more. You can't go big wheels,
all right, You gotta think, you gotta think all equal
forms of transportation tricycle. Okay. So like, uh, let's just
say a hand party is a car, okay, what it is?
All right? A mouth party is a motorcycle, okay.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Dangerous.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
And then the first time you have sex, it's like
it's like a hoverboard. I mean, unprotected sex is better
than cocaine the first time. The first time you have
it is like.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
There is a lord and I want to live in here. Dangerous.
I think I think we all, I think we all
agree that. Okay, So can we all eliminate as fellas?
Can we all eliminate hand party?
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Keep the handy on the table right now.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
I'll tell you right now if if mouth parties are motorcycles,
I've seen the fatality numbers and I'm not getting on them,
and I'll tell you, I'll tell you.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
So what's the problem with hold on? What's so? What's
the problem with the mouth party? Now?
Speaker 3 (26:52):
It's just not as they're still nice. But I can't
if the first one I ever got, first mouth party
I ever got, was in Room one eleven in Sally Hall,
in a bunk bed, in a bunk bed, and her
head was hitting the ceiling, and I remember going, I'm
gonna get abbestos from But I remember that feeling was
(27:16):
overwhelming and I was in and out in a matter
of seconds. I mean, I think, I mean, really, it
was like watching a kid play with a loaded gun.
You just didn't know what happened. And then next you know,
she was like back into the left, like JFK. But
now I look at those and if you said to me, hey, listen,
I need you to you're gonna get a mouth party
from your wife, and you need to complete said mouth
(27:39):
party before the end of this Game of Thrones episode,
I'd be.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Like, good luck.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
Really, yeah, I just they don't is that I.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Don't know that sounds like a criticism of style points.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
First time I got a mouth party from my wife,
I was like, this chick might be a slut. She
is so good.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
I mean, how many of these has she ten thousand hours?
It's like watching they are Can you break into the
main frame and the guy goes, give me your computer.
You're like, WHOA.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
But but I will say, if we're talking consistency, a
hand party has always delivered the same exact way.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
It is not changed.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
It's not better or worse. It is like pasta. It's
always good. Say cheeseburger. Hand party is a cheeseburger. It's
hard to play with a cheeseburger. A mouth party is sushi. Yeah,
you're rolling the dice on it sometimes.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
I feel like consistency would be the mouth party, right,
I have a vastly different answer. I think I think
the one that's like hit or miss could be the
hand party. Yeah, maybe you haven't had the right hand party.
That it's it's it's so it's it's almost interesting. It's
like it's fun, unaggressive party, like a surprise hand party.
(28:56):
But when I was.
Speaker 5 (28:59):
When I was with Surprise, when I was Chicks, I
would just say sex but consistently good throughout life.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
Mouth party. Wow, Yeah, sure that would.
Speaker 3 (29:08):
Be the top mouth party.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
I just heard horror stories about hand parties, like because.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
Dry take aggress like you get what you can get. Listen,
but they usually start unexpected like hand parties kind of
like dry humping and like like it's like that that
seems to be the training wheels of your of your
sex life. I just said to my wife the other day, like,
there's so like when I hand party myself. There's certain
(29:36):
things I can't watch porn anymore. I don't know why.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
It just doesn't. It's I don't know, everyone's too young,
and it's just not not what I I'm used to doing, you.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Know, crying too much, crying black dudes.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
So and so I said to her, I said, there's
three things I think of in our in our sex
that I go back to moments where you got a
little unbridled where it caught me off guard and I
loved it. And she goes really and one of them
is a hand party. One of them was just a
I mean, I'll give you the details so that you
understand what I'm talking about. We do we do her
(30:10):
mouth party first right a little bit, and so normally
we go straight to sex and that's what happens. But
there's something on this woman. There's like the there's a
full moon, and she changed, she got she caught side
guard on me. Okay, side guard meaning I'm in like
a uma plata like it's a it's a it's She
went jiu jitsu on me, you making it like and
(30:33):
just like from one from her and then right not
to sex and got on me and just started going
to town. And within minutes I went hand party and
caught me off guard. I catched so quick, really, and
I and I go. I didn't expect that. I didn't
want that, but it's what I needed. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
See, totally agree with Bert. Hand party is all reliable, reliable.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
Hey, listen, when you're in the car and you get
you get a hand party out of nowhere, You're like,
what the come on?
Speaker 2 (31:04):
It always shows up, it always delivers.
Speaker 3 (31:06):
It's like your high school coach.
Speaker 2 (31:07):
He's never gonna let you down.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
So you're saying that a hand party always can add
the element of surprise. Looks sex is sex is a.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
It's a family dinner for Thanksgiving, a lot to set
up a lot of mood.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Both of you have to into it. Both of you
have to be into it right.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
If her AD's not into it, then all of a
sudden you're having sex and she's got a weird look
on her face, like and then you feel creepy, and
then you feel creepy, and then she breaks a sweat
and you're like, uh, oh, dude, a surprise hand surprise party.
You're driving back from the beach, and then all of
a sudden she just leans over. You're like, oh, okay,
(31:44):
in context, yeah, context if you're watching TV and all
of a sudden somebody's playing down there, and then you
realize we're taking this all the way, it makes it better.
And then a surprise mouth party sometimes is a little
much like the cars next to us.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Conscious You're like, oh god, did I excuse it? You know, yeah,
I worked out this morning. Text says, uh, they're votes
for sex. Women aren't great at hand parties, and mouth
parties have dropped off.
Speaker 3 (32:11):
For me over the years.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Okay, I see that's I don't know. That's always the
welcome guest is the mouth party. The hand party is
kind of inconsistent. Sex seems to be more like kind
of old reliable because as a dude from me, I
could see where it's very intermiss because you know that
you guys are more complicated, but mouth. Parties are like camping.
They're fun when you're young, but when you're older, you're like.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
This is very interesting. Wow, wow, all right, well no,
this is helpful, this is really so.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
You're also talking to a married man. Yeah, I only
shop at one store. I get it now.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
If we're in a car, it's some sweetish chick. My
wife's dad, My wife dad rest in peace. I don't
know if I want the eye contact from a stranger.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Well, I think that's a good place to end, don't you.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Thank you absolutely.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Bert Kreischer. Ladies and gentlemen at Bert Kreischer on all
the social media platforms you can find them Bert bert
bert dot com. Check out the details on the pre
party for the Daytona five hundred, the Full Throttle Festival
happening in February, the Fully Loaded at Sea cruise next November.
Of course all the shows. The guy just can't be home.
He's like minutes, just can't bet. I'm gonna see if
(33:28):
I can sneak home and get a hand party in
the now. She just got out of bed. Always got
to be on the run. And then the Netflix series
Free Bert will be released on January twenty second, six episodes.
Check it out The Machine, Bert Kreischer every day. We
love you so much.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
I'm gonna send you a gift box for free Bert
when it comes out, but I need you to open
it on air.
Speaker 2 (33:50):
Oh sweet, Yeah, you know what. We never get those.
I know obvious. See all the other shows to get
those like these cool gifts and they post them on
their social media.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
We don't get anything.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
We'll get one for Burt.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
You're giving one and boy, you're gonna love it and
it's gonna live in this studio for the rest of We.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Love you man than you guys, I love you coming
in and say hi to Tom for us and like
legitimately and uh uh, you know I'm not I'm not
saying that because he hates radio. He said, we counted,
so yeah, that's a legitimate Hello. All right, we got
to t get a quick break. More Wood he show
his next Hanging the Woody Show.
Speaker 3 (34:24):
We'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
Where's you your mother
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My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
Dateline NBC
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