The Otis Advisory

Let’s say you’re in the Army and the husky-sized pants is all you can fit into.  Well, Mr. Huskey size, you may be looking for another line of work after the new war on chunky soldiers.  There's even an end to whiskers and beards - back to high and tight for army men, including the girls!  No more bearded 260 pounders trying to climb the rope over the little training pond.  You won’t be able to hide anymore by lining up behind Beef...

There you sit, watching the world wake up from history.  So many great things to see, or so you’d think.  Well sorry pal, all you get this time is Jasmine Crockett, the cold sore on American politics.  Not where you thought evolution might be taking us, but there it is anyway.  Miss Jasmine, still proud to be the only botanical in congress, has no apparent mute button.  We’ve looked – it’s not there!  So after some initial complain...

Hope you didn’t throw away the box your Mr. Potato Head came in.  He’s going to be worth something once we wake up from this trash compactor we’ve been living in!  Remember how Mr. Potato Head had a little trap door in his behind where you’d keep all his parts. You could give him a pipe and a newspaper or even have him holding a little fan belt like he just came back from the auto parts store.  Then there was Mrs. Potato Head – she...

Ladies, if you’ve been thinking about having some extra padding implanted in your behind, I’ve got great news.  The makers of Spanx, with the street name Spanky Pants, now sell some special new drawers with the butt implants built right in. Maybe it’s just the Shitegeist of the times. The extra bulk you’ve been wanting on the south end now comes pre-stuffed and sewn right into the Spanky Pants package - ready to go to work to thick...

Must be hot wearing that wool sock hat in ninety degrees. We don’t see much of the Seattle look here at the bait camp, especially in August.  A sock hat in summer is cute and all but is WOKE really worth it to find purpose in an otherwise unremarkable life? There you are, hanging like a lose tooth, packing all your animal magnetism under a cozy wool knit hat before heading out to your Hate America First rally in beautiful downtown ...

We didn't used to get worked up over a cute girl on TV in three-hundred-dollar jeans.  It just wasn’t a thing.  But now, itching for a leg up, the donkey people believe this time, in a TV spot, they’ve finally found the Nazi in your shorts. Oh stars!  A blond, blue eyed girl on TV – not queen size, just regular size.  “Not consistent with our values,” said the lunatic fringe.  The full body deodorant crowd is convinced that this is...

Jasmine really likes riding in her Escalade.  “Either ride me in an Escalade or I’m staying home.”  The staff had their orders so Escalade it is, with the extra base boost for that Crown Royal authenticity!  “Now I need to go to lunch, and I don’t mean Cracker Barrell.” Yes Mama!  “I’ll go in somewhere civilized and pick out some bacon cheesecake. You stand outside the car like you’re waiting for somebody important.” But the staff ...

Hunter started out with nothing and still has most of it left.  Like when he’d get in trouble for peeing in the pool at the Best Western. "Hunter you get out of there right now. Your daddy’s gonna wear you out when he gets back from Epstein's.  I'm telling him what you did in that pool.” Sometimes, what's left of his mind plays tricks on him.  Now Hunter thinks he wants to be president to finish raiding the little honey pot Joe lef...

Say hello to Zohan the Conqueror, the latest fanboy of the lunatic fringe, now running for mayor of New York City.  It’s obvious, Zohan only has a beatnik-level view of what makes the world work, but he’s still planning to run this con on YOU and the coalition of the unhappy next election day. He’s the shiny new locomotive pulling the Hate America First Train into Bankruptcy Station.  Zohan the Conqueror (as his mamma calls him) is...

Any minute now a judge will try to make Trump go get back all the bunker busters he loaded on the plane to Iran, then bring them home and put them right back in the garage where he found ‘em. That’s because Orange man didn’t ask permission first.  He didn’t call Sandy Cortez or that really smart one, Ms. Crockett to see if it was OK!  Think of it like a Hollywood stop where you just slow roll on by in your B2.  Judge will tell Trum...

There’s a prize waiting for anyone who can finish their Bunker Buster with Cheese and keep it down for 8 seconds - just like the rodeo.  The Bunker Buster comes tail up to go down easy at forty-five degrees. And when it hits bottom you'll know it, so have s quick exit planned if things get messy.  Wait, what’s that?  The Bunker Buster comes with an automatic second helping, built right in.  Now what can you do to get ready for your...

Orange man wants to reopen the world-famous Alcatraz criminal resort.  It’s been rusting and falling down for years, kinda like Sleepy Joe, but Alcatraz can still be restored, Joey probably not.  Alcatraz has a special place for people who take their shoes off on airplanes, remove tags from pillows or pull their rotary nose hair clippers out at dinner.  Remember Santa doesn’t stop at the county lock up, so do you really think he’s ...

Complaining is real popular, and nobody enjoys it more than the activist.  Say hello to three-dollar Bill, he’s the new front page of the Donkey Party.  When Bill’s not busy at Hamster Fight Club night, he and the other humanized mice like to head downtown for a paid appearance at the local street riot.  Bill brings plenty of concrete chunks to hurl at police, and have some left over to share with the other kids so they can go to j...

When you need a tire changed or a refrigerator moved to the second floor, who do you call?  You call a man!  Men are back, and are finally done with putting their hair up in mouse ears and going with you to the mall.  Don’t be asking men to tell you which sheets they think are the softest. They have no idea – none - and anything they say is just to make you feel better.  Men are no longer impressed by things like Kamala's bunions, ...

The Mexican Navy is looking for a new navigator after somebody over there tried to drive their one hundred fifty-foot-tall boat underneath the one hundred thirty-foot tall Brooklyn Bridge.  Not a good look!  Pealed the top right off right in front of where congressman lady Sandy Cortez stays, and supposedly gets her laundry done.  Hear what came next with Otis.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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You know that trick where you turn your socks inside out to get another couple of days out of them?  Well, that’s what the donkey party bosses have in mind for Kamala.  Just turn the lady in the pant suit inside out for another go at the controls, and do it fast before Sandy Cortez de Putanasa gets it all.  But what's the difference?  Aren’t you tired of complaining yet?  I know I am.  Imagine how much more we could get done around...

What Do Men Really Want, aside from the usual stuff like getting to wipe your nose on your sleeve or maybe a good stool softener.  Men are simple organisms who still think they can play Wipe Out on the steering wheel.  But know other stuff too like what a woman is.  Hell, men are experts in that.  They know today’s modern girl isn’t looking for any fluff.  Fang Fang isn’t up all-night waiting for that box of Christmas pajamas with ...

If you've been getting your powdered Margarita mix from China, I think I'd be making other arrangements. Orange man has changed all this so we don’t forget how to make our own essential fixins.  We shouldn't have to rely on China for medicine, memory foam and dead flashlights.  “But, Oh Uncle Otis, everything’s gone global now!”  Well not everything – mudpies is still a local thing - good clean fun that comes right out of the back ...

If you’re even thinking about stuffing a T-bone down your shorts at the Walmart think again. Due to shrinkage (used to be called stealing but that was too real) they’re now keeping the steaks in little wire cages to keep your grubby mitts from stuffing Mr. Roast down your pants and heading for the parking lot.  If you’re keeping score, this all started with locking up the deodorant and toothpaste - now it’s on to the Veal of Fortun...