The Otis Advisory

At night when Jasmine Crockett lies there waiting for the sandman to come take her away, she likes to dream of how important she’s gonna  feel once we make her a US Senator from Texas.  Commander Otis here - back on Crockett Watch where we’ve brought in Oppo the research loving clown to find out what makes Ms. Crockett so entertaining.  What is it Oppo?  Why so sad?  Awwww, is it because Jasmine’s spirit animal is an oyster?  Jasmi...

You’ve landed on the Jasmine Report – the weekly national tracker that chronicles the latest bull corn leaking out of Jasmine’s campaign for Senate.  Now sometimes Jasmine’s mind plays tricks on her when she dreams of winning the rural vote.  “Should I go campaign at the Cracker Barrel or the Waffle House,” thought Jasmine.  I wouldn’t get too worked up with that one honey.  You’ve got a lot more apologizing to do before you land a...

APOLOGY REQUEST FORM  

Here at the Discount Think Tank and Bait Camp, we can sometimes hit a little too close to the bone. And that’s when the lawyers make us apologize.  With so many wanting an apology from your Uncle Otis, we’re starting to fall behind. If I need to be sorrier faster, and get you back a personalized Certificate of Apology for all this stuff, you’re gonna have to use the Apology Request Form.  Just contact this sta...

Back in the time before filtered water, things weren't as convenient as they are now.  Like, did you know there wasn’t always a little trash can sitting by the door of the men’s room so when you’re leaving, you’d have somewhere to toss your wadded up wet paper towel.  Now this is just the men’s room we’re talking about.  Nobody knows what goes on in the lady’s room since nice people don’t ask about such things.  But we do know that...

Let’s say you’re a victim of wife supremacy and you’ve just accidentally stumbled into a child infested area.  Suddenly, someone suggests that you change baby’s diaper. Well first you need to know that the correct people have new rules for you to follow.  That’s right, before you go floundering around in all that you’re gonna need to ask the little guy for permission first – just to be sure dry pants would be OK with him.  Goes lik...

HAPPY TALK

The holidays are a great time to remember some of the jacked-up ideas your mom would lay on you when you were growing up.  Stuff you were supposed to believe no matter how whacked it was.  Like this one: “Little Otis, you keep making that face and next time it’s gonna stick like that.  Yes Mamma!” Or this: “Don’t eat those cookies little Otis, they’ll make you pee the bed!” Then there were the ones you didn’t see coming, ...

Let’s say you’re in the Army and the husky-sized pants is all you can fit into.  Well, Mr. Huskey size, you may be looking for another line of work after the new war on chunky soldiers.  There's even an end to whiskers and beards - back to high and tight for army men, including the girls!  No more bearded 260 pounders trying to climb the rope over the little training pond.  You won’t be able to hide anymore by lining up behind Beef...

There you sit, watching the world wake up from history.  So many great things to see, or so you’d think.  Well sorry pal, all you get this time is Jasmine Crockett, the cold sore on American politics.  Not where you thought evolution might be taking us, but there it is anyway.  Miss Jasmine, still proud to be the only botanical in congress, has no apparent mute button.  We’ve looked – it’s not there!  So after some initial complain...

Hope you didn’t throw away the box your Mr. Potato Head came in.  He’s going to be worth something once we wake up from this trash compactor we’ve been living in!  Remember how Mr. Potato Head had a little trap door in his behind where you’d keep all his parts. You could give him a pipe and a newspaper or even have him holding a little fan belt like he just came back from the auto parts store.  Then there was Mrs. Potato Head – she...

Ladies, if you’ve been thinking about having some extra padding implanted in your behind, I’ve got great news.  The makers of Spanx, with the street name Spanky Pants, now sell some special new drawers with the butt implants built right in. Maybe it’s just the Shitegeist of the times. The extra bulk you’ve been wanting on the south end now comes pre-stuffed and sewn right into the Spanky Pants package - ready to go to work to thick...

Must be hot wearing that wool sock hat in ninety degrees. We don’t see much of the Seattle look here at the bait camp, especially in August.  A sock hat in summer is cute and all but is WOKE really worth it to find purpose in an otherwise unremarkable life? There you are, hanging like a lose tooth, packing all your animal magnetism under a cozy wool knit hat before heading out to your Hate America First rally in beautiful downtown ...

We didn't used to get worked up over a cute girl on TV in three-hundred-dollar jeans.  It just wasn’t a thing.  But now, itching for a leg up, the donkey people believe this time, in a TV spot, they’ve finally found the Nazi in your shorts. Oh stars!  A blond, blue eyed girl on TV – not queen size, just regular size.  “Not consistent with our values,” said the lunatic fringe.  The full body deodorant crowd is convinced that this is...

Jasmine really likes riding in her Escalade.  “Either ride me in an Escalade or I’m staying home.”  The staff had their orders so Escalade it is, with the extra base boost for that Crown Royal authenticity!  “Now I need to go to lunch, and I don’t mean Cracker Barrell.” Yes Mama!  “I’ll go in somewhere civilized and pick out some bacon cheesecake. You stand outside the car like you’re waiting for somebody important.” But the staff ...

Hunter started out with nothing and still has most of it left.  Like when he’d get in trouble for peeing in the pool at the Best Western. "Hunter you get out of there right now. Your daddy’s gonna wear you out when he gets back from Epstein's.  I'm telling him what you did in that pool.” Sometimes, what's left of his mind plays tricks on him.  Now Hunter thinks he wants to be president to finish raiding the little honey pot Joe lef...

Say hello to Zohan the Conqueror, the latest fanboy of the lunatic fringe, now running for mayor of New York City.  It’s obvious, Zohan only has a beatnik-level view of what makes the world work, but he’s still planning to run this con on YOU and the coalition of the unhappy next election day. He’s the shiny new locomotive pulling the Hate America First Train into Bankruptcy Station.  Zohan the Conqueror (as his mamma calls him) is...

Any minute now a judge will try to make Trump go get back all the bunker busters he loaded on the plane to Iran, then bring them home and put them right back in the garage where he found ‘em. That’s because Orange man didn’t ask permission first.  He didn’t call Sandy Cortez or that really smart one, Ms. Crockett to see if it was OK!  Think of it like a Hollywood stop where you just slow roll on by in your B2.  Judge will tell Trum...

There’s a prize waiting for anyone who can finish their Bunker Buster with Cheese and keep it down for 8 seconds - just like the rodeo.  The Bunker Buster comes tail up to go down easy at forty-five degrees. And when it hits bottom you'll know it, so have s quick exit planned if things get messy.  Wait, what’s that?  The Bunker Buster comes with an automatic second helping, built right in.  Now what can you do to get ready for your...

Orange man wants to reopen the world-famous Alcatraz criminal resort.  It’s been rusting and falling down for years, kinda like Sleepy Joe, but Alcatraz can still be restored, Joey probably not.  Alcatraz has a special place for people who take their shoes off on airplanes, remove tags from pillows or pull their rotary nose hair clippers out at dinner.  Remember Santa doesn’t stop at the county lock up, so do you really think he’s ...

Complaining is real popular, and nobody enjoys it more than the activist.  Say hello to three-dollar Bill, he’s the new front page of the Donkey Party.  When Bill’s not busy at Hamster Fight Club night, he and the other humanized mice like to head downtown for a paid appearance at the local street riot.  Bill brings plenty of concrete chunks to hurl at police, and have some left over to share with the other kids so they can go to j...