The Otis Advisory

It was Gain of Fauci the whole time!  The little shrimp was busy working the back side just to meet girls and get a new beach house!  But now he’s been caught with his little Fauci pants down! They wanted to try him as an adult, but the consigliere screamed, “PARDON” after sleepy Joe gave the little bugger a hall pass out of the wet market.” The Fauci squeeze play may have fooled the wife of the pe...

New York city’s new experimental Mayor, Zorro is already learning the hard lessons of socialism.  Finding out you can’t be both moisture-wicking and self-absorbed at the same time or you’ll just dry up!  That’s right. It’s already happening to Mayor Zorro.  His city is running out of cash!  He needs other people’s money and fast. “Where do I get more of this,” thou...

What would be different right now if Kamala had won?  Lower your expectations for a second and use your imagination. Try to imagine President Kamala, a free-lance thinker with no active ingredients, having control of your wallet, your thermostat, your kids, and your menu.  Kamala likes keeping fear alive and watching the denutification of America.  If the lady in the pant suit had won, you’d be speaking Iranian...

Remember the War on Women?  Is that still a thing?  Do women still go off to finishing school?  What goes on there?  Let’s say your name is still Debbie and you’re still developmentally optimistic, then you’ve probably missed the short squeeze altogether. And that’s good.  Bring Your Wife to Work Day is only once a year, so honey, when opportunity knocks, don’t complain about t...

Why is it that some still need to take their shoes off on an airplane ride? It’s just wrong.  Still or sparkling, that’s gotta hurt. The guy next to you will never order another chicken fried steak again after seeing your airplane feet all fileted out in the walkway. It’s just too triggering!  Looking at those hooves you walk around on, all laid out in the middle of the aisle like that, could give anybod...

Your Uncle Otis is back with a real Southern apology for China, since they may not have one of those yet.  And until you’ve had a good southern apology, honey you don’t know sorry.  So here goes.  China, here in the South, we kinda stole YOUR intellectual property too!!  That’s right, we stole you blind on Chinese Checkers.  Here’s the way it works:  if you’re not smart en...

Today we’re bringing in the Count of Monty Crypto to help explain the US economy in a way even Jasmine can understand it.  Step one, if you want to save big money, don’t buy anything.  Next: Hide your stuff! Go out in the backyard, dig a hole and put your stuff down there, then cover it up.  If the Zohan people can’t find it, they can’t tax it or give it to the aliens. Then, don’t buy an...

Big Bad Bunny is now hiring.  He’s about to do the half time SuperBowl show and still needs a few good men to hold up his scarf for the big game. It’s a ballsey move, but since Super Bowl is copyrighted, we’re not allowed to talk about what a dumb NFL idea this really is. They just need you to lower your expectations for game day and accept Mr. Bunny for who he or they really is.  Just give him a little ...

At night when Jasmine Crockett lies there waiting for the sandman to come take her away, she likes to dream of how important she’s gonna  feel once we make her a US Senator from Texas.  Commander Otis here - back on Crockett Watch where we’ve brought in Oppo the research loving clown to find out what makes Ms. Crockett so entertaining.  What is it Oppo?  Why so sad?  Awwww, is it because Jasmine...

You’ve landed on the Jasmine Report – the weekly national tracker that chronicles the latest bull corn leaking out of Jasmine’s campaign for Senate.  Now sometimes Jasmine’s mind plays tricks on her when she dreams of winning the rural vote.  “Should I go campaign at the Cracker Barrel or the Waffle House,” thought Jasmine.  I wouldn’t get too worked up with that one honey. &...

APOLOGY REQUEST FORM  

Here at the Discount Think Tank and Bait Camp, we can sometimes hit a little too close to the bone. And that’s when the lawyers make us apologize.  With so many wanting an apology from your Uncle Otis, we’re starting to fall behind. If I need to be sorrier faster, and get you back a personalized Certificate of Apology for all this stuff, you’re gonna have to use the Apology Request ...

Back in the time before filtered water, things weren't as convenient as they are now.  Like, did you know there wasn’t always a little trash can sitting by the door of the men’s room so when you’re leaving, you’d have somewhere to toss your wadded up wet paper towel.  Now this is just the men’s room we’re talking about.  Nobody knows what goes on in the lady’s room since nice...

Let’s say you’re a victim of wife supremacy and you’ve just accidentally stumbled into a child infested area.  Suddenly, someone suggests that you change baby’s diaper. Well first you need to know that the correct people have new rules for you to follow.  That’s right, before you go floundering around in all that you’re gonna need to ask the little guy for permission first – just ...

HAPPY TALK

The holidays are a great time to remember some of the jacked-up ideas your mom would lay on you when you were growing up.  Stuff you were supposed to believe no matter how whacked it was.  Like this one: “Little Otis, you keep making that face and next time it’s gonna stick like that.  Yes Mamma!” Or this: “Don’t eat those cookies little Otis, they’ll make you pee the bed...

Let’s say you’re in the Army and the husky-sized pants is all you can fit into.  Well, Mr. Huskey size, you may be looking for another line of work after the new war on chunky soldiers.  There's even an end to whiskers and beards - back to high and tight for army men, including the girls!  No more bearded 260 pounders trying to climb the rope over the little training pond.  You won’t be able to...

There you sit, watching the world wake up from history.  So many great things to see, or so you’d think.  Well sorry pal, all you get this time is Jasmine Crockett, the cold sore on American politics.  Not where you thought evolution might be taking us, but there it is anyway.  Miss Jasmine, still proud to be the only botanical in congress, has no apparent mute button.  We’ve looked – it&r...

Hope you didn’t throw away the box your Mr. Potato Head came in.  He’s going to be worth something once we wake up from this trash compactor we’ve been living in!  Remember how Mr. Potato Head had a little trap door in his behind where you’d keep all his parts. You could give him a pipe and a newspaper or even have him holding a little fan belt like he just came back from the auto parts store. &nbs...

Ladies, if you’ve been thinking about having some extra padding implanted in your behind, I’ve got great news.  The makers of Spanx, with the street name Spanky Pants, now sell some special new drawers with the butt implants built right in. Maybe it’s just the Shitegeist of the times. The extra bulk you’ve been wanting on the south end now comes pre-stuffed and sewn right into the Spanky Pants package -...

Must be hot wearing that wool sock hat in ninety degrees. We don’t see much of the Seattle look here at the bait camp, especially in August.  A sock hat in summer is cute and all but is WOKE really worth it to find purpose in an otherwise unremarkable life? There you are, hanging like a lose tooth, packing all your animal magnetism under a cozy wool knit hat before heading out to your Hate America First rally in beautifu...