October 16, 2025 • 43 mins
What if worship is the on-ramp to real relationship change? Renee welcomes Pastor Freddy Wachter, a Worship Pastor at Desert Song Community Church in Redmond, OR. He believes music can prepare hearts more effectively than any announcement or program. From his adoption story to his call into ministry, Freddy shares how worship functions as a spiritual weapon, turning a Sunday setlist into a doorway for healing, conviction, and hope.
We dig into the complex world of Christian singleness and dating with unfiltered honesty. Are churches unintentionally sidelining singles? Freddy argues for a radical shift: let singles lead singles, stop siloing them with awkward mixers, and integrate them into the life of the church with respect and real roles. We tackle codependency with clear, compassionate boundaries, why grace without truth enables, and truth without grace harms and how healing past wounds keeps them from hijacking future relationships. The goal isn’t a perfect story; it’s a healthy one.
Then we take on dating culture head-on: the buffet mindset from apps, myths from rom-coms, and the fallout from shame-based purity narratives. We propose a better path—root your choices in Christ, define a short list of non-negotiables, and balance spiritual alignment with practical competence like communication, budgeting, and service. Pursuit still matters, modeled in Song of Solomon’s respectful passion. Give second dates when possible, invest real time, and let character deepen attraction. For women, look for a man who actively participates in a local church and serves. For men, seek a woman who knows her value and respects yours. Healing, worship, and wise choices beat hype every time.
If this conversation helped you rethink love, singleness, or ministry, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it. Got a question or topic you want us to tackle next? Send it our way, we’re listening.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Renee Richel (00:07):
Hi, I'm Renee Richel, the founder and
president of 1 True Match.
I'm here to help you find andcultivate the love of your life.
For over a decade, I'vededicated my life to the
importance, purpose, and dynamicof human relationships.
My team and I are disciplinedby faith, love, and integrity to
help our clients find thequality relationship they've
(00:28):
always dreamt of.
Each week, I will be sharingthe tools and tips I've learned
that have rooted my success as amatchmaker with other leaders
around the world.
Hello, loves.
I'm so excited to be here witha very special guest, Freddy
Wachter from Desert SongCommunity Church in Redmond,
(00:52):
Oregon, Central Oregon, right?
He is with us, and he is thecreative arts pastor at that
church.
And we came alongside of him aswe met him reaching out because
that's what we do asmatchmakers, building the Lord's
kingdom together, one heart,one couple, one community at a
(01:14):
time.
And it just begins withconversations.
So I asked him to join us onthis podcast in today's topic to
ask all things that we want toask pastors when it comes to
singlehood, just things going onin the church and the
community, and how we can reallybring awareness for God's
purpose of what true love is.
(01:35):
So welcome, Freddy.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (01:37):
Thanks for having me on your podcast.
Appreciate it.
Renee Richel (01:40):
So we're gonna start off with just some
questions that I think theaudience would like to hear.
And then maybe we'll freestylea little bit off of just in
general, how everything flowsto, you know, just give people
out there that are single andprayerful and intentionally
confused and, you know, where dothey go in the church and
things like that, that umhopefully we'll have time to
(02:01):
dive into too.
So to start off, can you sharea bit about your personal
journey in your testimony, howyou were called into ministry
and how your relationship withGod has evolved over the years?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (02:15):
Yes.
So I would say if you all knowwho are watching this, pastors
have a tendency to over-talk, soovershare, my friends say.
So I'll give you like the tipof the iceberg.
Uh, so basically, I was adoptedfrom Seoul Korea when I was two
years old.
And my mom and my my adoptedparents, they are my real
parents to me.
They had two girls, and theHoly Spirit told my mom to
(02:36):
adopt.
So they adopted through theorganization called Holt.
They saw a little picture.
She said, He's the one.
They docked me over.
They had one more adoption.
Now another adopted brother hadone more of them of their own.
So I have a pretty big family.
I have uh, I'm the middlechild, I'm kind of like the
black sheep of the of the group,so to say.
But raised in the church, I'veknown Jesus my whole entire
life.
I started singing in plays.
(02:58):
If you're old enough to knowlike the salt of the singing
song books, like I was in theplays back then, picked up
drums, then picked up acousticguitar, and then by leading for
one of our Saturday services inmy hometown of Ohio, California,
where I'm originally from inSouthern California.
A pastor came and told me andsaid, I believe that you have
the anointing of being a worshippastor someday.
And at that time, I'm like, I'mjust here to play music.
(03:20):
I had no idea.
So then I just kept pursuingthat.
I went to a worship school andI've been doing it ever since.
So I mean, my my life callingis ministry.
Renee Richel (03:29):
I love that.
I love that.
So you have been fueled by theHoly Spirit, sounds like your
whole life.
And uh that's awesome that youhave that family that just took
you in and has continued tosupport you through that.
That's awesome.
How do you define kingdom workin your own life?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (03:48):
In my position as a creative arts
pastor, I believe that music isa tool that we can use.
And I use this terminology alot.
Music invades our lives withoutour permission.
And what I mean is it doesn'thave to be worship music, like
music in general, just listeningto birds singing, like going on
a hike or hearing a violin or acello.
(04:08):
There's something about musicthat powerfully moves people's
emotions.
Now, when it comes to in thelocal church, when it comes to
singing songs, where the kingdomwork comes into play, if you
look at scripture, like look atthe walls of Jericho and how it
was done, look at King Saul whenhe was torn by his dreams.
Like music was used as aspiritual weapon a lot of times
to soothe tormented, you know,souls, like King Saul.
(04:30):
So when he had those visions,he called in David.
And when David came in, I tellpeople when I auditioned, I'm
like, he didn't suck, heactually knew how to play, he
sucked well, right?
And so music is a tool, it's alearned skill.
And then even outside of thechurch, like just music in
general, I hate the wordsecular, but we use anyway, but
like secular music is not allbad.
(04:50):
Like anything I think that'sdone with excellence and is done
with beauty can be glorifyingto God.
Now, if the lyrics aredemoralizing women or talking
about being drunk or whatever,that's a different story, right?
But I think music in general,it can do kingdom work.
Like I've heard people come toknow the Lord just by listening
to music in general.
And so for me, in my position,like on a weekend service, what
(05:10):
I tell my team in any churchsetting is the worship team's
responsibility is to prepare thehearts of people to hear
whatever the gospel message iscoming forth.
So I've seen people, if youever want to watch, you can look
it up online.
And Tim Hawkins is called thehand raising church, and he
talks about the different waysthat people kind of worship,
like they kind of flap theirarms, my fishbowl's this big,
(05:31):
and like the circle of life,right?
And so I I love how music andchurch is specifically, it has a
way to um to move people'semotions in ways a lot of times
words can't.
So I believe that worship musicin the local church is a
spiritual weapon that we havethis gateway to heaven that
we're able to then battleagainst the enemy.
(05:52):
Because we know scripturally,Satan was actually the head
worship leader or whatever forwho knows how long.
So that's why music has such astrong influence on outside of
the church, because Lucifer wasa worship himself.
So if you look at Christianmusic and secular music, for a
long time, Christian music was,for better lack of terms, very
cheesy, still is a little cheesyin some ways, but now it's
(06:13):
gotten so much better and somore professional and just
reaching people in differentways.
So I think the kingdom workfrom my aspect is every week I
tell my team our job is to getpeople on base, not to hit a
home run.
So I plan my set, I plan mytransitions, everything.
You know, we want to give Godour best.
But even in professionalbaseball, the pitcher wants to
(06:35):
strike out, the batter wants tohit a home run.
So you have two opposingforces, but the reality is we
get to do every single week inand week out.
So I tell my team, hey, let'stry to hit a home run, but if we
get someone on base, that's allthat matters.
Renee Richel (06:47):
And it's so true.
And like you're saying, I mean,it takes a village and a
community to draw people in, tokeep them and have them coming
back, right?
Which takes the welcomingpeople to the music, to the
pastor, and then the, you know,the ones um giving them other
opportunities and and just andwhatnot.
And I love there's so manytimes we invite people to our
(07:08):
church.
And I think you and I talkedabout this when we first were
having a conversation, is somany people either they lost a
church and haven't forbiddenthrough a divorce, or they moved
and they're a little moreintroverted and they don't feel
comfortable and they don't knowwhere to go.
And I always say it takes twoseconds to invite somebody to
sit with you, to join you in.
And then I can't tell you howmany times, and I'm not just
(07:30):
saying Catholics, but typicallywhen I ask and interview people
and I ask them about theirfaith, and I say, Oh, where are
you going to church?
And they say they're not, andand I say, Why?
And whether it be they'reCatholic or one of those
situations happened, I was like,Well, just come in to our
church.
And but I do say, you know, inin a non- non-denominational
church we go to, I'm like, well,you can come in jeans and a cup
(07:52):
of coffee, and like it, you'regonna go to, you know, kind of a
rock concert, but it's gonna beChristian music.
And I can't tell you how manypeople have come into our church
that either kind of came frommore of a traditional Catholic
background and that music,they've walked out saying, I
have never felt the Holy Spiritso connected to me that now I
want more.
(08:13):
And I truly believe it comesthrough just the worship music
that starts it in an ease that'sfun and exciting.
So I so believe in what you dofor sure.
In your experience, what aresome of the most common
spiritual or emotionalchallenges singles face today?
And how would the church speakinto those?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (08:33):
Uh, I think you do a whole nother
podcast just on this.
Renee Richel (08:36):
I know.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (08:38):
And I'm not kidding.
So the the one thing I thinkI've hear the most, and you can,
you know, you're a matchmaker,you get this, is I think the
church, what's happened, and I'mspeaking not so much personal
experience because I'm a littleI'm a little older than than
most singles that struggle withthis, is the church has in a way
forgotten the singles.
So I use this, I use thisanalogy that it's the same way
(08:59):
when a youth group starts,majority of churches, not all,
but most churches, they willgive the youth group like the
leftovers.
They'll give them the the usedTV, the used computer, the used
sound equipment, whatever,right?
So they kind of, and I think inthe in the church, it's what's
happening is a lot of singlesthey feel like left out.
(09:20):
Even myself, like as a pastor,like I'm 46 now, I'm 2047 next
month, and I do get a little bitof awkward stares sometimes
because people just assume likeI'm married, like, oh, what's
your wife doing kids?
And I'm like, I'm not marriedyet.
And I and then I almost feellike they shun me in a sense
because what's what's wrong withyou?
Nothing's wrong with me.
Like, you know, as amatchmaker, I think singleness
is more prevalent than it hasever been in the last 20, 30
(09:44):
years.
Renee Richel (09:44):
Yeah.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (09:45):
As a social media, because of
everything that's you knowchanged our our perspective on
dating.
So I would say that um, andthen the other thing too is I
think a lot of singles in thechurch not only feel left out,
but then when they go to asingles event, like especially
for women like yourself, likebeautiful women go there and
they feel like it's a meatmarket, and like this shouldn't
be it shouldn't be that way, orthey have like 30 singles and 40
(10:07):
singles, and it just it justdoesn't feel natural.
It feels like it's almost likeforced, and then you come to
these events and you feel thisawkwardness to almost perform to
you know, and then you getthose weird, I'm just be honest,
like those weird people thatare out there who come with like
I've been praying for this, andGod told me to go to this
event, and that's the one.
(10:29):
And I'm like, that's not whatGod told me.
Renee Richel (10:32):
So right, and you you shouldn't shirt shop to shop
for a spouse, and nobody wantsto be labeled with the I'm
single on your forehead and thechurch because biblically we
believe in marriage and all ofthese other things.
It's almost like you're in acamp of like, yeah, you don't
fit in, right?
And if a church isn't doingsomething for singles, and like
you said, when you're single,you're also looking for true
(10:53):
love because biblically that'swhat you're supposed to do is be
married and be fruitful.
So, what do you do?
And it's hard not to look atsomebody else and think that.
So I totally get it.
We get it all the time from oursingles.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (11:03):
Yeah, the thing, too, is say you're
asking, like, how can the churchdo better?
I think the church wouldbenefit more with the singles by
having singles actually speakto the singles.
So I got a lot of friends, likepastors will talk about, you
know, let's talk about sex orwhatever.
And they're like, Yeah, it'seasy for you to say, like,
you're married, you can havesex, you can, you know, even
you're laughing, but it's true.
Renee Richel (11:23):
So it's so true.
It's so true.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (11:25):
These pastors will speak about
singleness, but they're notsingle.
And I kind of go, okay, I getthat, but you are not reaching
the market of people that areactually wanting to be
relatable.
And so I think if churcheswould captivate more on people
within the church, you know,millennials, 20, 30, 40-year-old
people that are obviouslygodly, but they're able to share
(11:47):
a message on singleness, theywould reach a whole different
demographic and they would alsomake the single people not feel
as lonely.
So I was at a church inCalifornia and one of my friends
was making jokes.
She's like, Oh, the singlelady's up front, you know.
And so her, like as a singlemom, parent, whatever, would
invite all our other singlemoms, they would sit in the
front.
And it just was, it just feltawkward.
(12:07):
So I think I think the church,if the church would find better
and creative ways of saying, Howdo we reach our singles and
make them feel not excluded,make them feel there's nothing
wrong with them, and make andthen find ways that we can
involve them more within ourministries, where it doesn't
feel like, well, you're notthis.
So I'll give an example, evenlike as a pastor, I'm not
(12:29):
married, but I've given counselto married people.
Um because when it comes to,you know, you're engaged.
So when it comes torelationships, a lot of times
when it comes to a man or woman,it's just it, and we could talk
later, it's themiscommunication.
It's like they're they'remisfiring.
It's not that they're it's notabout the marriage, it's that he
thinks this, she thinks that.
So my mindset, you know, intherapists, same thing.
(12:51):
It's like you listen to theperspective and they just want
to hear, how do I get past thisarea?
But I think sometimes likedisqualifies, well, you're not
qualified.
I'm like, look at thescriptures.
Jesus didn't pick qualifiedpeople, he picked people that
were willing and that weresaying, Here I am, send me.
Then you look at the disciples,they were ordinary people that
just had a craft of fishing, andhe said, Sell it, you know,
(13:14):
give everything away and comefollow me.
And it did, and in that threeyears that he was with them,
right?
He then taught them how to fishfor men.
And so I think the church woulddo a better job of, like I
said, not disqualifying singlesand again, how do we reach our
singles in a way where theydon't where they feel they're
included, not excluded, and weactually get them evolved more
(13:36):
in the church.
I think if the church did that,they would reach way more
singles, probably make moreconnections, where one would be
like this, like I said, thatkind of that awkwardness if that
makes sense.
Renee Richel (13:44):
Yeah, and it's so true.
And I love that you say allthat, which we're hoping very
soon our Love Starts With Youcourse that we've been teaching
for over 15 years to preparesingles during their singleness
with God.
Love starts with you with God.
First, so then you're equippedit, like you're talking about
you're only one side of thecoin, right?
And you're attracting anotherperson that's the other side of
(14:05):
the coin, and God is the gluebetween.
And so it's so important thatwe're learning to know our best
self, our DNA with God, who He'sdesigned us to be, opposed to
all the other stuff that kind ofthe world has created or
society us to be.
So we're our authentic self,and then we build buddies
through that where people arepracticing and then they're
(14:28):
building on a community.
So we're excited to be able tolaunch that out to churches soon
for the singles community.
And then what's great about itis um I have so many pastors
that tell us all day long, okay,we don't want to be the
therapist, we don't want to,yeah, you know, like at the end
of the day, we'd like to offersomething, but then we don't
know what to do either.
Um, because, you know, this isnot why we went into ministry in
(14:48):
that regard.
So we're excited to be able tobe building this um ministry
that's like a community forsingles.
So they're not leaving theirchurch, but bringing more people
in that's off, like out of, youknow, their church, but yet
giving them a resource ofsomething to do too.
So I can't wait to share moreabout that with you, too.
Because then the globe is yourum, you know, location where you
(15:10):
can find anybody.
It's all about finding theright person, and God will move
heaven and ice and fire and icefor the two of you to be
together, too.
So um, can you share a story ora moment when God worked
powerfully through arelationship, either in your own
life or in your pastoral work?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (15:29):
Yes.
So I think you can you canspeak on this half, especially
as a dating coach.
Many people have it the the notso nice term is codependency.
Everybody, nobody likes to saylike I'm codependent.
The the nicer term thetherapists say is relationship
dependency.
So when I was in age aboutseven years ago, I kind of
shared a little of my story.
Um, I through that I learnedthat I had a very strong
(15:52):
codependency.
Now, men in general, we like tofix things.
You're engaged, you probablyget that.
Don't don't fix me, just listento me.
I'm venting.
I just I don't need you to tryto fix it.
Just listen, right?
And so, in that, in thatrelationship, I developed a very
strong codependency because shewas an alcoholic.
So, in my mind, I'm like, letme try to fix this.
So it was like the game, howmany glasses of wine did you
have?
(16:12):
And we celebrate you only hadtwo or three or whatever.
So after we broke it off and Iwent through counseling after
that, um, it really made me moreself-aware that there's a
boundary that I need to set,even as a pastor, because a lot
of pastors are codependent inthat way, because you know, we
want to help people and fixpeople, but you can only help
(16:32):
them to a certain level untilthat becomes codependency.
So in my counseling, what whatshe taught, this is really good.
She talks about what happens inrelationships is the person
who's codependent and the personwho has the problems, they do
what's called this this viciousdance.
So the person here is doingthis, you know, I have an
alcohol problem, addiction, orwhatever, blah, blah, blah.
(16:52):
And then the codependent personis dancing with the person,
trying to fix it, but they can'tfix that person because this
person needs to fix themselves.
So on my counseling, thecounselor said that Freddy, what
you need to do is your ex, youknow, going back to the past
when we're doing our session,she said, if your ex would have
recognized she had the problem,then she would have reached out
(17:12):
to Alan, Alan on or A and A orwhatever, or Sell Recovery to
get help.
And the way you break thecodependency is then she would
come to you and say, Can yousupport me through that?
And that's break that.
So it's like you know, as youknow, be engaged, it's the
partnership of that.
So for me, what I've learnedeven as a counselor in a pastor
is I help people to a certainextent.
I like I have like what'scalled the grace, grace, grace,
(17:35):
grace, grace.
But then there's the truth.
So I will give you as muchgrace as I can, but at one
point, you are going to get thetruth because if you keep coming
back with the same thing, I'mgonna say, Look, man, I've given
you every tool in thescripture, every practical
thing.
This is on you.
I can no longer help you.
Because you look at Jesus, likeJesus didn't chase after
people.
Um, like people have thismisfortune that Jesus was like,
(17:56):
you know, such a nice guy.
He was, but he was actuallyvery direct and harsh of people.
Renee Richel (18:00):
Yes, right.
Like in Christianity blessedthe ones that actually listen
literally word for word, what hesaid.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (18:07):
Yes.
So, like to to kind of um closethis this question, if you've
seen the chosen, I love the partwhen Nicodemus was was um was
asked, you know, come followJesus.
And because of his highauthority as a Pharisee, now
scripture doesn't talk aboutthis, so you know the the the
creators obviously give you adifferent analogy, but I love
how Jesus comes into that placewith his disciples, and he knows
(18:31):
Nicodemus is there, and then inthe in the scene, Nicodemus is
cowering behind like a wall, andbecause he's like and Jesus
doesn't go, Hey Nicodemus, heyNicodemus, where are you?
Like he doesn't do that, hejust he gave the call, Nicodemus
made his choice, and then hemoved on.
And and and I think that'sthat's the Jesus that we need to
(18:51):
bring more back into the churchrelationship is like there's
grace, but there's also truth.
And so if we always lean onthis, this this abundance of
grace all the time, then where'sthe truth?
Where's the consequence?
Right.
So for me, the consequence wasthe codependency, breaking off
of that, it was hard.
But then the the truth is I'mgoing to not do this again
(19:12):
because I don't want to becodependent, or if I recognize
it, now I have tools by readingand still talking to you know
other people.
Where if I find myself in that,I go, okay, wait, time out,
Freddy.
You're becoming codependent.
You need to shut it off.
Renee Richel (19:25):
Yes.
And I love that you bring allthat up.
And that was one of the biggestreasons why 15 or 17 years ago,
when I started the concept oflove starts with you with God,
is because I'm like, why do Ikeep attracting the same type of
relationships?
And the truth is, I lost my ownidentity of who I truly am that
God's designed me to do,because instead I was always
helping somebody else thateither was codependent, which
(19:46):
then I became codependent on, toa whole level of none of us are
helping each other.
So I always say the bestanalogy is when you go on a
plane and they say put theoxygen mask on yourself first so
you can help your seat mate soyou're not dead, right?
It's the same thing that I'mlike, if you don't put that
oxygen mask on with Jesus first,you can't help anybody else.
And and how I mean what I meanby that is like truly, I'll
(20:08):
never forget what a pastor toldme.
Well, by continuously trying tofix all of their problems, they
A are becoming codependent onyou.
And then ultimately you're nothelping them.
You're only just pushing thecan down the road, right?
Without actually resolving whatthe problem is, because only
they can put the oxygen mask onthemselves to fix them.
So you're actually enablingthem.
(20:28):
Which I was like, whoa, when Ilooked at it that way and not so
personal, it's amazing how thenyou can grow and blossom from
that too.
So I hate that you went throughthat, but it's also part of God
teaching us lessons every day,right?
In what we do.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (20:43):
With that, what I learned too, and I
use this when I give counselingto other people, is I tell
people, you are not emotionallyresponsible for that person's
well-being.
Renee Richel (20:52):
True.
And it's so true.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (20:54):
And so when they when it clicks, they
go, Oh, yeah, their chaos ortheir vicious cycle, they want
to pull you in.
You need to remove yourselffrom that.
Yeah.
Every time you try to get intoit, you know, it's like you'll
never fix them.
The only way, like if you youknow, just research, like for
example, for gambling, Iremember researching on a
gambler will not stop gamblinguntil they recognize they have
(21:18):
something to lose.
Renee Richel (21:20):
Right.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (21:21):
Until they recognize they have
something to lose, they willcontinue to gamble and gamble
and gamble and gamble.
But until they recognize, I'vehad friends alcoholics, and even
their doctors say if you don'tstop drinking, you're going to
die.
They still they still drinkuntil they recognize that I'm
going to lose my life.
I'm no longer gonna be able tobe a grandfather to my great
grandkids.
I need to stop.
(21:42):
But internally, that person hasto say, I'm the problem, they
are not.
I need to get help, drop mypride, and then getting help,
then they get better.
Renee Richel (21:51):
And in the meanwhile, people will say,
Well, then I just can't watchthem crash and burn and fall.
And I say, You're not.
Just pray for them every day.
That's the best power ofanything you can possibly give
that individual.
And then the hope is they'llsee the light, they'll come
chase after you, but youshouldn't be chasing anybody
other than Jesus because he'sgot this, right?
I know a lot of people beatthemselves up with all of that
(22:12):
too.
I feel like you and I can talkfor hours about all of this.
Um, well, tell me, okay, sohere's another what's a common
misconception Christians mighthave about love, dating, or
marriage, and how uh we canalign our views with scripture,
which probably goes off of whatyou kind of just talked about.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (22:31):
But oh man, that's a whole nother
podcast.
I think one thing that's reallydone a lot of damage is dating
apps.
I think have just Amen.
Renee Richel (22:40):
I couldn't agree more.
Pastor Freddy Wachte (22:41):
Naturally, on the same on the note, I
actually wanted to create adating app.
That's a whole nother thing,but I need to find someone to
actually do it just because ofmy own experience.
And I think there's there's aright way to do it and a wrong
way to do it.
But anyway, so I did datingapps are one thing I would
definitely say a lot of the whenreality TV shows came out, I
think I did a whole number on ittoo.
But what you did was youstarted feeding these
(23:05):
ideologies, and then I called,you know, whatever your classic
ROM ROM ROM videos, you know,the notebook or Titanic and all
this stuff.
So culture has created this,even Disney, this this fairy
tale land, and it's thensequeling a church.
And uh, because of onlinedating, especially as a coach,
(23:25):
um, it's it's like there's ait's not just there's a
two-course meal, there is afreaking buffet now.
And is everyone is saying, getthis and do this and do that,
and the social media, we knowhow real and fake it is.
People portray these lives,like everything is so great.
I have the house, I have thecar, I have the kids, I have
this, whatever.
And and and so I think what'shappened is we've created this
(23:48):
false reality of what we think arelationship is.
Um, I would even go further ifyou want to do another podcast
another time.
The whole purity culturecompletely destroyed the way we
look at sex.
And then the church in general,even like on a on a moral
failure type of thing, I thinksex, sexual sin in the church
has been put on such a highpedestal that if someone does
(24:12):
this or that, it's like they'reexcommunicated.
And I'm going, okay, but younever talk about gluttony, you
never talk about the other typesof sins, like you always talk
about this, and so you you put,and then you talk about, you
know, I'm a part of a couple ofsingle groups where people are
prideful, like, you know, whyI've kept my virginity, that's
great, but you also have notbeen educated how a woman's
(24:35):
bodies work or how man's bodieswork.
And so like you have thispurity culture that I'm not I'm
not all against it, but Iremember when in my last church,
the pastor was great, he said,I gave my girls, yes, three
girls, not a promise ring, but Igave them a um, I gave them a
value ring.
So no matter what happens, ifthey mess up, I they know
they're still valid.
There'll be a consequence,whether you're pregnant or
(24:56):
whatever, stuff like that.
But he but he took away thewhole purity thing and he said,
I will love you no matter what,but if you make this
consequence, you're gonna reapthe consequences.
I'll still love you.
But a promise, what happened topurity culture is like even
done research.
Like I've read that girls werewere killing themselves because
they made a promise to daddy andthen they broke the promise,
(25:18):
and because they're daddy'sgirl, they felt so much guilt
overwhelming that they tooktheir own lives.
Renee Richel (25:22):
I mean, that's a whole nother oh my gosh, that's
terrible.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (25:25):
It's true, it's like a whole nother
whole other subject.
But going back, I scrolled alittle bit.
Renee Richel (25:29):
Well, I don't think anybody spends enough time
that your body is your templeand a gift that God gave you,
right?
And instead, it's like itlooking at it that way, it's
like you don't realize itsometimes until later on in life
because nobody talks about itat a young age.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (25:43):
So sorry, I I can I went out changed to
go back to your originalquestion.
So I think the thing withChristians is, and another thing
too is just because he or sheis a Christian is not enough.
They I mean it he wants someonelike that, but how many people
do you know love the Lord butdon't know how to budget, don't
know how to communicate, don'tknow how to do don't, don't.
(26:04):
I mean, I I know a lot of guysare really godly men, but they
just they do nothing with theirlife.
Like there's no drive, there'sno passion.
So you have the biblicalprinciples, but you also have
the practical principles.
You know that even, you know, Imean, even as a matchmaker, I
think there has to be a balanceof like, yes, you want someone
who has the biblical principles,but you also want someone who
(26:27):
also has the practicalprinciples.
So I won't go into detail thatthere's a person in my church
right now how to confidentialcan't say the name, but they're
in their 40s and they don't knowhow they don't know when
alignment is, they don't knowhow to rotate the tires.
And I'm like, dude, you're likehow would you not know this
stuff?
And especially being 40.
I mean, it's kind of you know,but I mean I'm not voting
(26:49):
against them, I'm just sayingit's just heartbreaking.
It just means that they weren'traised in that.
So so I think for culture-wise,like you there's a practicality
and there's there's a spiritualI 100% agree.
Renee Richel (27:02):
Um okay, so with that said, being about like love
and dating and marriage and theviews with scripture, like
where do you scripturally kindof send people in the waiting
phase of you know, prayerfullypraying for the love of their
life or having challenges?
Is there certain areas whereyou direct them to?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (27:25):
That's a good question.
I'm not I want a good rabbittrail.
I think the thing, not so muchscripture, I just tell people
that because I think there's athing people use the whole you
know, Ruth and the Boaz storyout of context, number one, and
and and they they they usescripture, I think, almost as
well, you just need to followthis, and this is how it is.
(27:47):
And and I think the thing, andyou probably know as dating
coaches, I encourage peopleenjoy being single and learn to
love yourself first.
If you don't love yourselffirst, then everything around
you, you're trying to find loveor acceptance or whatever, it's
never gonna fully satisfy you.
Like it just won't.
(28:07):
I mean, even counselors saylike your relationship with God
is first, so God is first, yourspouse is second, your your your
kids or family is third, kindof thing.
So I think with the Christiansbeing single, I would encourage
them to be okay.
So there's a there's a there'sthere's a word, you know,
(28:28):
there's lonely and loneliness.
So lonely means I am justlonely.
Like being alone is a choice,like I choose to be alone,
nothing wrong with that.
Renee Richel (28:41):
Like, you know, a lot of people they just want to
find themselves, they want to dotheir like some just need that
time to be alone to you knowfind their identity.
Yes.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (28:49):
I have given counsel to singles like
The Song of Solomon.
So if I need it, what I loveabout it is it's this man
pursuing this woman in such a insuch a passionate but such a
graceful and respectful way thatand you you know this day and
coach, how many men don't knowhow to pursue?
Like how many men don't pursueright way, and then how many
(29:11):
women shun away the the pursue,right?
Like used to be open the door,like thank you.
Now it's like I can open my owndoor myself.
Thank you so much.
Like, I don't need your help.
Renee Richel (29:19):
I tell my way, my female clients is all day long.
Let a man lean.
You want a leader as a man, lethim open the door, let him
lead.
Like, stop cutting him off withthe knees.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (29:28):
The thing, too, is I'll tell men and
women, let the man be thespiritual leader.
I've nothing wrong with thewoman.
There's there are more womenI've met who are more
spiritually mature than mostmen, and that is a whole nother
subject.
So, so men being the spiritualleaders, not and you know, and
then the scripture you obviouslyknow the wiv, it's on both
ends.
Yeah.
Remember, there's a marriedcouple, uh, friends of mine,
(29:49):
they said, How do you say, Ialways try to outgive, we always
try to outgive each other.
So it was a balance.
Like I always Serve my wife,she always serves me.
Like men have their needs,women have their needs.
But men, when it comes, likeyou know, as a man, men have
what's called boxes, and womenhave what's called spaghetti
(30:11):
brains.
You've ever seen this.
Renee Richel (30:12):
Yeah, I spaghetti and waffles.
They are one of our biggestmentors, Pam and Bill Farrell.
Love them.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (30:17):
So, like nothing box, the work box, sex
box, play box, whatever, right?
Women are like they canmultitask, whatever.
So, so so I think where why Godcalls men to the spiritual
leaders, and I'm not I'm beingvery cautious.
I know this is a podcast.
There's something that God hasput in a man that men are
designed to fight.
Like you look at boys, they'replaying with guns and G.I.
(30:38):
Joe's and getting the girlsdoing the dolls, right?
So there's a feminist side ofthat, and then there's a manly
side of that.
And I think in culture, there'skind of been this switch.
And and so, like, you know, asa dating coach, like women are
independent, they make theirmoney.
Like, okay, you you do that,but where's the man going to
have a role in that?
If you do everything on yourown, what is a man going to
(31:00):
offer you?
Are you allowing the man tospiritually lead you to pray for
you, you know, to go to church?
I mean, I could tell you howmany women go to church alone
and their husbands stay home.
And that just breaks my heart.
Because the man needs, like,I've gone to mission trips and
in other countries, theyspecifically go after the men
because if the man, when the mancomes to know the Lord, the
(31:20):
rest of the household follows.
Studies show that when a man,even in America, is a spiritual
leader, the rest of the familyfollows.
If the wife or the girlfriend,whatever, is more a spiritual
leader, then the probability ofthe rest of the family falling
is less.
And it's nothing against women,it's just that God called men
to be spiritual leaders.
So I think, yeah, I'll give anexample like worshiping.
(31:41):
Um, how many men they will juststand in church and they'll
just kind of do this.
But at a football game, they'relike, Yeah, let's go, baby.
Renee Richel (31:49):
Yeah, that is such a good analogy.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (31:50):
I think literally, like they're
screaming and yelling at the topof the lungs, and they'll dance
or you know, out there, andthey'll they'll put body pain on
there.
But coming to church, they'rejust like, This is awkward.
And I think part of it, anothersubject is men have a hard
time.
This is this is definitelyborderline.
Some men have a hard timedeciphering when we sing to God,
(32:12):
it's not just as a he, he's abeing.
So singing these songs, theselove songs, you have to be able
to separate the the sexuality ofit, like the gayness of it.
Does that make sense?
And so I think like I love whenmen get emotional, and and for
the women, you want a man to beemotional because when a man's
emotional means that he'svulnerable and that he's
(32:34):
transparent.
Look at Jesus, same thing.
It's like you want a man that'stough and rugged and stuff like
that, but you also want a manthat's gentle and is hard.
Renee Richel (32:41):
Yes, all that all this no different than my men
will say that they all day long,like, yes, I'm attracted to a
successful woman, but I alsowant her to be soft, warm, and
kind when she's home and notbeing my boss in every area of
her life.
What encouragement would yougive to someone who feels
discouraged in their singlenessand who's um ex experienced
(33:03):
broken relationships?
Has experienced brokenrelationships.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (33:07):
Yeah, I think, and you probably know
this.
I think the number one thingpeople need to do more is heal.
So I think it's that everybodyhas a past, right?
So I use this when I talk topeople.
You have a past, you have apresent, you have a future.
Have you ever watched the movieInception?
Like with Leonard DiCaprio,it's a great, great analogy.
Renee Richel (33:26):
I have, but I'm trying to remember what that
one's about.
But yeah.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (33:28):
Where his his his dead wife, uh, he he he
won't let go of her.
So in the movie, she alwaysbecomes part of his present,
which then affects his future.
Sure.
So I tell people that you havea past and you can't forget your
past, whatever hurt someonedid, whether it be child or
whatever family stuff, but Godhas given us the freedom of
(33:50):
choice to not live in the past.
People that live in their past,their past hurt, their past
mistakes, even talking aboutdivorce, the reason why the
second, the third don't work outis in counselors say because
the person didn't heal enoughfrom that divorce.
Renee Richel (34:03):
Amen.
So true.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (34:05):
You know that as a dating coach, right?
Renee Richel (34:07):
I witness it, I hear it all day long, and I'm
like, we've got to change thetrajectory.
The only way we do that ischange like your true core so we
don't keep attracting the sametime.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (34:18):
So so heal from your past, get
counseling, go to whatever, youknow, blah, blah, blah, read
books.
So heal enough from your pastso that you're able to live in
the present, therefore you havea future.
Right because if you healenough from your past, even you
know, like first I'm loved byGod, so using hours are like
it's kind of cheesy, but flat.
I'm cleansed, loved, accepted,and pleasing by God.
So what I'm like that, yeah, isthat I am physically, I'm using
(34:41):
all of my senses.
I'm feeling it, I am hearingit, and I'm saying it.
Renee Richel (34:46):
Yeah.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (34:47):
Mentally, that's a thing I've used before
counseling as a pastor.
Like you're cleansed, you'reloved, accepted, pleasing to
God.
So if like for singles, healenough for yourself.
And I believe that when you'vehealed enough, then it's like
the matrix, like the blue pill,red pill.
Now it's singleness as a wholedifferent thing.
Now you know the value.
Like I have value to givesomeone else.
(35:10):
I don't determine their valuemyself.
And if they're not willing toreceive it, then I'm okay with
it.
Right.
Like recognizing yourself-worth, what you have to
offer, even your own baggage,and being confident knowing that
your perspective is nowchanged.
Like you said, like healing.
So the typical analogy the guy,the girls go after the bad boys
and the tattoos and themuscles, whatever, stuff like
(35:31):
that, right?
Like they they've created this,this, this fantasy that this is
what we're looking for, butthat's only the surface.
Because you and I know, even ondates, you can go on a guy, a
date with a really, really goodlooking guy.
But as soon as he startstalking, within five minutes,
your attraction goes up or goesdown like that.
Renee Richel (35:49):
Right.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (35:50):
Looks fade in time.
Uh you want to be attracted tostuff like that, but you have to
also line with what, like,here's my values.
Do you share the same kind ofvalues?
Renee Richel (36:01):
Right.
Which I also say, I thinkthere's enough people that pass
it when we talked about earlieronline dating, every judging a
profile and things like that.
I feel, and I I've done a tonof like reels and just topics on
this whole conversation.
I feel like people don't givesomebody enough of a chance.
And because at the end of theday, the most sexy quality
outside of yes, you have to bephysically attracted and we're
(36:22):
not curious, but maybe you know,their hairline isn't perfect,
their height isn't perfect, butI mean they're attractive,
right?
At least enough, but they haveall the qualities that's gonna
last so much longer than thesurface, right?
That is what actually becomesthe most attractive quality
about that.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (36:37):
I I'm sure you do too.
I tell this people, especiallylike long distance, because it's
so you know normal now to longdistance, whatever.
Um, you need to spend qualitytime with the person to really
see the next step.
Even as a dating coach, I'msure studies for women, if the
first date doesn't go as good asyou thought, unless there's
like major red flags, give theguy second or third dates.
(36:59):
Like too many people just likeone date and they're out.
Well, his nails are dirty.
Well, he works, he works or hishair was whatever, whatever.
I'm like, like I said, likethere's all these, there's all
these check boxes, like he hasto have all these things.
I remember a pastor said it wasgreat, they took these couples
in one room, singles, males, andfemales, and they said, write
down everything you're lookingfor in your spouse, right?
(37:19):
And they're like, yeah, yeah,yeah, right.
And then they looked and theysaid, Okay, now if you were to
give that list to your futurepartner, would their list line
up?
Would the list right withyours, right?
Renee Richel (37:32):
Do they want the exact same thing?
Yeah.
We do an exercise like that, wecall it a needs and wants
analysis, and then we have itnarrowed down because people
will put like uh sometimes ahundred things, who knows,
right?
And we have them narrow it downto our top 12 words that are
non-negotiables that when weinterview, we use those as our
guideline.
And then we say, This is youraccountability tool, because at
(37:52):
the end of the day, the problemwhen you haven't found that
person is you steer away fromyour non-negotiables, and then
you're left with somebody thathas none of those
non-negotiables, and you'restill searching for the love of
your life.
It's not that hard, which isvery similar to what you know
they're saying.
But we're also like, let's bereal, nobody's perfect.
So I think 12 words is betterthan 35.
(38:12):
You know?
Um, I love that.
Okay, so as a pastor, what'sone piece of wisdom you wish
more couples or singlespreparing for marriage could
take seriously from the start?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (38:27):
Yeah, so for the women, and I'll speak to
this in young women, you want aman that goes to a church
regularly, not just the SundayChristian that goes on Easter
and Christmas.
You know, they call the CEOs.
Right.
Just because they're aChristian doesn't mean they're
Christian.
Like, there's an actual, like,I call like, are you a follower
of Jesus or are you a Christian?
(38:48):
Because a follower of Jesus isa totally different mindset to
say everyone says they're aChristian, they just think, oh,
right.
So for the females to say youwant a man that actively goes to
a church locally, attends likeon a regular basis, means he's
actually being part of it.
If we go one step further, it'dbe even better if they actually
served in capacity, becausethen it shows that they're
(39:08):
serving a local church, they'regonna serve you.
And then for the men, I wouldsay, you know, you want a woman
that respects herself.
And I'm gonna, I'm gonnaprobably offend a lot of people
here.
I'm nothing against selfies,like women take million selfies.
I get it, I know guys do too.
But there is a balance of howmuch of yourself public do you
want to display for other peopleto see, and then how much do
(39:31):
you want to keep that foryourself and for your partner.
So, like I I have a closefriend who's married now, but
they did not even put on theirprofile, they were public until
after about six months afterdating.
Renee Richel (39:42):
I tell people that all day long, if you're not
gonna be proud of somethingyou're posting 25 years from
now, don't post it.
And everybody's like, 25 years,and I'm like, I'm just given a
hard number that we can all,once it's out there, you can
always look back at it.
And are you gonna be proud ofwhatever it is you posted?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (39:57):
So, so yeah, I would say as a pastor,
for the women listening, find aman who who actually not
perfect, but try to do his bestto be a part of a local church,
be a part of a life group,because that means that he's
actually being accountable toother, you know, other things.
It's not just he just shows upkind of thing.
Renee Richel (40:18):
Well, and he's following Jesus, like you said.
I love that.
I mean, there is a differencebetween somebody that's
Christ-centered following Jesusand somebody that just says
they're a Christian, too.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (40:26):
So And then I say for the men, find a
woman who understands thebiblical principle of I mean,
it's a whole other subject, likeunderstanding what it means to
respect a man.
So I think there's there's beena huge loss of respect.
Like I know the you know, theR-E-S-P-C-T kind of thing, that
that was a big thing.
But if you research the actualcontext behind the song, the
author or the the the writerwith the song, he wrote it for
(40:51):
the sake that he was trying totell his wife, I need respect.
But because a female made itpublic and made it popular, it
was, and I get that women wantrespect too.
But at the heart of it, menwant respect, women want love.
You don't see men snuggling upon the couch, and maybe you do,
uh, you know, for for like amovie.
Women will do it, and it'stotally normal.
But I never see bros like, oh,dude, come here, let's snuggle
(41:12):
together.
Like, that's just awkward,right?
Like, like men want respect.
They they want to know, I wanta man, I've men in my life, like
I know they have my back.
And then women want they wantthey want the love and respect.
Renee Richel (41:24):
Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
I totally agree.
Well, I love all of this.
We have so many things to talkabout.
I do have to give a plug and ashout out for you because I am a
matchmaker and this is gonna goviral to everybody.
So if anybody and everybody islooking for somebody just like
Freddy, please contact us.
We have interviewed him.
I have all of the detailsprivately, confidentially, um,
(41:48):
that I would love to learn moreabout you because I have a good
idea, I think, who he's lookingfor too.
Um, and so I would love to chatwith you if you have any
interest to verify and make sureyou're qualified for what I
know you deserve, and viceversa, who your future bride is
someday.
In the meanwhile, we are gonnacontinue to keep you in our
prayers, who the Lord does havefor you, because I know this
(42:09):
woman is going to just be solucky to meet you and vice versa
back.
Thank you.
So until next time, um, when wehave you back on talking about
more topics, please write in ifthere was anything we talked
about today that you're like,yes, touch more on that.
I feel like I've got tons.
So I know that we'll have youback on for sure, talking about
(42:30):
some of the things we ran out oftime to talk about in today's
podcast.
I hope you have a wonderfulrest of your week and can't wait
for our next chat.
God bless.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (42:40):
Awesome.
Thanks.
Renee Richel (42:46):
It's been another great talk on this episode of 1
True Talks by Renee Richel.
I look forward to our nextchat.
Please write in your questionsand comments so I can be sure to
talk about whatever it is youwant to discuss in our next
upcoming episode.
Lots of love.
God bless.
Hi, I'm Renee Richel, the founder and
president of 1 True Match.
I'm here to help you find andcultivate the love of your life.
For over a decade, I'vededicated my life to the
importance, purpose, and dynamicof human relationships.
My team and I are disciplinedby faith, love, and integrity to
help our clients find thequality relationship they've
(00:28):
always dreamt of.
Each week, I will be sharingthe tools and tips I've learned
that have rooted my success as amatchmaker with other leaders
around the world.
Hello, loves.
I'm so excited to be here witha very special guest, Freddy
Wachter from Desert SongCommunity Church in Redmond,
(00:52):
Oregon, Central Oregon, right?
He is with us, and he is thecreative arts pastor at that
church.
And we came alongside of him aswe met him reaching out because
that's what we do asmatchmakers, building the Lord's
kingdom together, one heart,one couple, one community at a
(01:14):
time.
And it just begins withconversations.
So I asked him to join us onthis podcast in today's topic to
ask all things that we want toask pastors when it comes to
singlehood, just things going onin the church and the
community, and how we can reallybring awareness for God's
purpose of what true love is.
(01:35):
So welcome, Freddy.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (01:37):
Thanks for having me on your podcast.
Appreciate it.
Renee Richel (01:40):
So we're gonna start off with just some
questions that I think theaudience would like to hear.
And then maybe we'll freestylea little bit off of just in
general, how everything flowsto, you know, just give people
out there that are single andprayerful and intentionally
confused and, you know, where dothey go in the church and
things like that, that umhopefully we'll have time to
(02:01):
dive into too.
So to start off, can you sharea bit about your personal
journey in your testimony, howyou were called into ministry
and how your relationship withGod has evolved over the years?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (02:15):
Yes.
So I would say if you all knowwho are watching this, pastors
have a tendency to over-talk, soovershare, my friends say.
So I'll give you like the tipof the iceberg.
Uh, so basically, I was adoptedfrom Seoul Korea when I was two
years old.
And my mom and my my adoptedparents, they are my real
parents to me.
They had two girls, and theHoly Spirit told my mom to
(02:36):
adopt.
So they adopted through theorganization called Holt.
They saw a little picture.
She said, He's the one.
They docked me over.
They had one more adoption.
Now another adopted brother hadone more of them of their own.
So I have a pretty big family.
I have uh, I'm the middlechild, I'm kind of like the
black sheep of the of the group,so to say.
But raised in the church, I'veknown Jesus my whole entire
life.
I started singing in plays.
(02:58):
If you're old enough to knowlike the salt of the singing
song books, like I was in theplays back then, picked up
drums, then picked up acousticguitar, and then by leading for
one of our Saturday services inmy hometown of Ohio, California,
where I'm originally from inSouthern California.
A pastor came and told me andsaid, I believe that you have
the anointing of being a worshippastor someday.
And at that time, I'm like, I'mjust here to play music.
(03:20):
I had no idea.
So then I just kept pursuingthat.
I went to a worship school andI've been doing it ever since.
So I mean, my my life callingis ministry.
Renee Richel (03:29):
I love that.
I love that.
So you have been fueled by theHoly Spirit, sounds like your
whole life.
And uh that's awesome that youhave that family that just took
you in and has continued tosupport you through that.
That's awesome.
How do you define kingdom workin your own life?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (03:48):
In my position as a creative arts
pastor, I believe that music isa tool that we can use.
And I use this terminology alot.
Music invades our lives withoutour permission.
And what I mean is it doesn'thave to be worship music, like
music in general, just listeningto birds singing, like going on
a hike or hearing a violin or acello.
(04:08):
There's something about musicthat powerfully moves people's
emotions.
Now, when it comes to in thelocal church, when it comes to
singing songs, where the kingdomwork comes into play, if you
look at scripture, like look atthe walls of Jericho and how it
was done, look at King Saul whenhe was torn by his dreams.
Like music was used as aspiritual weapon a lot of times
to soothe tormented, you know,souls, like King Saul.
(04:30):
So when he had those visions,he called in David.
And when David came in, I tellpeople when I auditioned, I'm
like, he didn't suck, heactually knew how to play, he
sucked well, right?
And so music is a tool, it's alearned skill.
And then even outside of thechurch, like just music in
general, I hate the wordsecular, but we use anyway, but
like secular music is not allbad.
(04:50):
Like anything I think that'sdone with excellence and is done
with beauty can be glorifyingto God.
Now, if the lyrics aredemoralizing women or talking
about being drunk or whatever,that's a different story, right?
But I think music in general,it can do kingdom work.
Like I've heard people come toknow the Lord just by listening
to music in general.
And so for me, in my position,like on a weekend service, what
(05:10):
I tell my team in any churchsetting is the worship team's
responsibility is to prepare thehearts of people to hear
whatever the gospel message iscoming forth.
So I've seen people, if youever want to watch, you can look
it up online.
And Tim Hawkins is called thehand raising church, and he
talks about the different waysthat people kind of worship,
like they kind of flap theirarms, my fishbowl's this big,
(05:31):
and like the circle of life,right?
And so I I love how music andchurch is specifically, it has a
way to um to move people'semotions in ways a lot of times
words can't.
So I believe that worship musicin the local church is a
spiritual weapon that we havethis gateway to heaven that
we're able to then battleagainst the enemy.
(05:52):
Because we know scripturally,Satan was actually the head
worship leader or whatever forwho knows how long.
So that's why music has such astrong influence on outside of
the church, because Lucifer wasa worship himself.
So if you look at Christianmusic and secular music, for a
long time, Christian music was,for better lack of terms, very
cheesy, still is a little cheesyin some ways, but now it's
(06:13):
gotten so much better and somore professional and just
reaching people in differentways.
So I think the kingdom workfrom my aspect is every week I
tell my team our job is to getpeople on base, not to hit a
home run.
So I plan my set, I plan mytransitions, everything.
You know, we want to give Godour best.
But even in professionalbaseball, the pitcher wants to
(06:35):
strike out, the batter wants tohit a home run.
So you have two opposingforces, but the reality is we
get to do every single week inand week out.
So I tell my team, hey, let'stry to hit a home run, but if we
get someone on base, that's allthat matters.
Renee Richel (06:47):
And it's so true.
And like you're saying, I mean,it takes a village and a
community to draw people in, tokeep them and have them coming
back, right?
Which takes the welcomingpeople to the music, to the
pastor, and then the, you know,the ones um giving them other
opportunities and and just andwhatnot.
And I love there's so manytimes we invite people to our
(07:08):
church.
And I think you and I talkedabout this when we first were
having a conversation, is somany people either they lost a
church and haven't forbiddenthrough a divorce, or they moved
and they're a little moreintroverted and they don't feel
comfortable and they don't knowwhere to go.
And I always say it takes twoseconds to invite somebody to
sit with you, to join you in.
And then I can't tell you howmany times, and I'm not just
(07:30):
saying Catholics, but typicallywhen I ask and interview people
and I ask them about theirfaith, and I say, Oh, where are
you going to church?
And they say they're not, andand I say, Why?
And whether it be they'reCatholic or one of those
situations happened, I was like,Well, just come in to our
church.
And but I do say, you know, inin a non- non-denominational
church we go to, I'm like, well,you can come in jeans and a cup
(07:52):
of coffee, and like it, you'regonna go to, you know, kind of a
rock concert, but it's gonna beChristian music.
And I can't tell you how manypeople have come into our church
that either kind of came frommore of a traditional Catholic
background and that music,they've walked out saying, I
have never felt the Holy Spiritso connected to me that now I
want more.
(08:13):
And I truly believe it comesthrough just the worship music
that starts it in an ease that'sfun and exciting.
So I so believe in what you dofor sure.
In your experience, what aresome of the most common
spiritual or emotionalchallenges singles face today?
And how would the church speakinto those?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (08:33):
Uh, I think you do a whole nother
podcast just on this.
Renee Richel (08:36):
I know.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (08:38):
And I'm not kidding.
So the the one thing I thinkI've hear the most, and you can,
you know, you're a matchmaker,you get this, is I think the
church, what's happened, and I'mspeaking not so much personal
experience because I'm a littleI'm a little older than than
most singles that struggle withthis, is the church has in a way
forgotten the singles.
So I use this, I use thisanalogy that it's the same way
(08:59):
when a youth group starts,majority of churches, not all,
but most churches, they willgive the youth group like the
leftovers.
They'll give them the the usedTV, the used computer, the used
sound equipment, whatever,right?
So they kind of, and I think inthe in the church, it's what's
happening is a lot of singlesthey feel like left out.
(09:20):
Even myself, like as a pastor,like I'm 46 now, I'm 2047 next
month, and I do get a little bitof awkward stares sometimes
because people just assume likeI'm married, like, oh, what's
your wife doing kids?
And I'm like, I'm not marriedyet.
And I and then I almost feellike they shun me in a sense
because what's what's wrong withyou?
Nothing's wrong with me.
Like, you know, as amatchmaker, I think singleness
is more prevalent than it hasever been in the last 20, 30
(09:44):
years.
Renee Richel (09:44):
Yeah.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (09:45):
As a social media, because of
everything that's you knowchanged our our perspective on
dating.
So I would say that um, andthen the other thing too is I
think a lot of singles in thechurch not only feel left out,
but then when they go to asingles event, like especially
for women like yourself, likebeautiful women go there and
they feel like it's a meatmarket, and like this shouldn't
be it shouldn't be that way, orthey have like 30 singles and 40
(10:07):
singles, and it just it justdoesn't feel natural.
It feels like it's almost likeforced, and then you come to
these events and you feel thisawkwardness to almost perform to
you know, and then you getthose weird, I'm just be honest,
like those weird people thatare out there who come with like
I've been praying for this, andGod told me to go to this
event, and that's the one.
(10:29):
And I'm like, that's not whatGod told me.
Renee Richel (10:32):
So right, and you you shouldn't shirt shop to shop
for a spouse, and nobody wantsto be labeled with the I'm
single on your forehead and thechurch because biblically we
believe in marriage and all ofthese other things.
It's almost like you're in acamp of like, yeah, you don't
fit in, right?
And if a church isn't doingsomething for singles, and like
you said, when you're single,you're also looking for true
(10:53):
love because biblically that'swhat you're supposed to do is be
married and be fruitful.
So, what do you do?
And it's hard not to look atsomebody else and think that.
So I totally get it.
We get it all the time from oursingles.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (11:03):
Yeah, the thing, too, is say you're
asking, like, how can the churchdo better?
I think the church wouldbenefit more with the singles by
having singles actually speakto the singles.
So I got a lot of friends, likepastors will talk about, you
know, let's talk about sex orwhatever.
And they're like, Yeah, it'seasy for you to say, like,
you're married, you can havesex, you can, you know, even
you're laughing, but it's true.
Renee Richel (11:23):
So it's so true.
It's so true.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (11:25):
These pastors will speak about
singleness, but they're notsingle.
And I kind of go, okay, I getthat, but you are not reaching
the market of people that areactually wanting to be
relatable.
And so I think if churcheswould captivate more on people
within the church, you know,millennials, 20, 30, 40-year-old
people that are obviouslygodly, but they're able to share
(11:47):
a message on singleness, theywould reach a whole different
demographic and they would alsomake the single people not feel
as lonely.
So I was at a church inCalifornia and one of my friends
was making jokes.
She's like, Oh, the singlelady's up front, you know.
And so her, like as a singlemom, parent, whatever, would
invite all our other singlemoms, they would sit in the
front.
And it just was, it just feltawkward.
(12:07):
So I think I think the church,if the church would find better
and creative ways of saying, Howdo we reach our singles and
make them feel not excluded,make them feel there's nothing
wrong with them, and make andthen find ways that we can
involve them more within ourministries, where it doesn't
feel like, well, you're notthis.
So I'll give an example, evenlike as a pastor, I'm not
(12:29):
married, but I've given counselto married people.
Um because when it comes to,you know, you're engaged.
So when it comes torelationships, a lot of times
when it comes to a man or woman,it's just it, and we could talk
later, it's themiscommunication.
It's like they're they'remisfiring.
It's not that they're it's notabout the marriage, it's that he
thinks this, she thinks that.
So my mindset, you know, intherapists, same thing.
(12:51):
It's like you listen to theperspective and they just want
to hear, how do I get past thisarea?
But I think sometimes likedisqualifies, well, you're not
qualified.
I'm like, look at thescriptures.
Jesus didn't pick qualifiedpeople, he picked people that
were willing and that weresaying, Here I am, send me.
Then you look at the disciples,they were ordinary people that
just had a craft of fishing, andhe said, Sell it, you know,
(13:14):
give everything away and comefollow me.
And it did, and in that threeyears that he was with them,
right?
He then taught them how to fishfor men.
And so I think the church woulddo a better job of, like I
said, not disqualifying singlesand again, how do we reach our
singles in a way where theydon't where they feel they're
included, not excluded, and weactually get them evolved more
(13:36):
in the church.
I think if the church did that,they would reach way more
singles, probably make moreconnections, where one would be
like this, like I said, thatkind of that awkwardness if that
makes sense.
Renee Richel (13:44):
Yeah, and it's so true.
And I love that you say allthat, which we're hoping very
soon our Love Starts With Youcourse that we've been teaching
for over 15 years to preparesingles during their singleness
with God.
Love starts with you with God.
First, so then you're equippedit, like you're talking about
you're only one side of thecoin, right?
And you're attracting anotherperson that's the other side of
(14:05):
the coin, and God is the gluebetween.
And so it's so important thatwe're learning to know our best
self, our DNA with God, who He'sdesigned us to be, opposed to
all the other stuff that kind ofthe world has created or
society us to be.
So we're our authentic self,and then we build buddies
through that where people arepracticing and then they're
(14:28):
building on a community.
So we're excited to be able tolaunch that out to churches soon
for the singles community.
And then what's great about itis um I have so many pastors
that tell us all day long, okay,we don't want to be the
therapist, we don't want to,yeah, you know, like at the end
of the day, we'd like to offersomething, but then we don't
know what to do either.
Um, because, you know, this isnot why we went into ministry in
(14:48):
that regard.
So we're excited to be able tobe building this um ministry
that's like a community forsingles.
So they're not leaving theirchurch, but bringing more people
in that's off, like out of, youknow, their church, but yet
giving them a resource ofsomething to do too.
So I can't wait to share moreabout that with you, too.
Because then the globe is yourum, you know, location where you
(15:10):
can find anybody.
It's all about finding theright person, and God will move
heaven and ice and fire and icefor the two of you to be
together, too.
So um, can you share a story ora moment when God worked
powerfully through arelationship, either in your own
life or in your pastoral work?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (15:29):
Yes.
So I think you can you canspeak on this half, especially
as a dating coach.
Many people have it the the notso nice term is codependency.
Everybody, nobody likes to saylike I'm codependent.
The the nicer term thetherapists say is relationship
dependency.
So when I was in age aboutseven years ago, I kind of
shared a little of my story.
Um, I through that I learnedthat I had a very strong
(15:52):
codependency.
Now, men in general, we like tofix things.
You're engaged, you probablyget that.
Don't don't fix me, just listento me.
I'm venting.
I just I don't need you to tryto fix it.
Just listen, right?
And so, in that, in thatrelationship, I developed a very
strong codependency because shewas an alcoholic.
So, in my mind, I'm like, letme try to fix this.
So it was like the game, howmany glasses of wine did you
have?
(16:12):
And we celebrate you only hadtwo or three or whatever.
So after we broke it off and Iwent through counseling after
that, um, it really made me moreself-aware that there's a
boundary that I need to set,even as a pastor, because a lot
of pastors are codependent inthat way, because you know, we
want to help people and fixpeople, but you can only help
(16:32):
them to a certain level untilthat becomes codependency.
So in my counseling, what whatshe taught, this is really good.
She talks about what happens inrelationships is the person
who's codependent and the personwho has the problems, they do
what's called this this viciousdance.
So the person here is doingthis, you know, I have an
alcohol problem, addiction, orwhatever, blah, blah, blah.
(16:52):
And then the codependent personis dancing with the person,
trying to fix it, but they can'tfix that person because this
person needs to fix themselves.
So on my counseling, thecounselor said that Freddy, what
you need to do is your ex, youknow, going back to the past
when we're doing our session,she said, if your ex would have
recognized she had the problem,then she would have reached out
(17:12):
to Alan, Alan on or A and A orwhatever, or Sell Recovery to
get help.
And the way you break thecodependency is then she would
come to you and say, Can yousupport me through that?
And that's break that.
So it's like you know, as youknow, be engaged, it's the
partnership of that.
So for me, what I've learnedeven as a counselor in a pastor
is I help people to a certainextent.
I like I have like what'scalled the grace, grace, grace,
(17:35):
grace, grace.
But then there's the truth.
So I will give you as muchgrace as I can, but at one
point, you are going to get thetruth because if you keep coming
back with the same thing, I'mgonna say, Look, man, I've given
you every tool in thescripture, every practical
thing.
This is on you.
I can no longer help you.
Because you look at Jesus, likeJesus didn't chase after
people.
Um, like people have thismisfortune that Jesus was like,
(17:56):
you know, such a nice guy.
He was, but he was actuallyvery direct and harsh of people.
Renee Richel (18:00):
Yes, right.
Like in Christianity blessedthe ones that actually listen
literally word for word, what hesaid.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (18:07):
Yes.
So, like to to kind of um closethis this question, if you've
seen the chosen, I love the partwhen Nicodemus was was um was
asked, you know, come followJesus.
And because of his highauthority as a Pharisee, now
scripture doesn't talk aboutthis, so you know the the the
creators obviously give you adifferent analogy, but I love
how Jesus comes into that placewith his disciples, and he knows
(18:31):
Nicodemus is there, and then inthe in the scene, Nicodemus is
cowering behind like a wall, andbecause he's like and Jesus
doesn't go, Hey Nicodemus, heyNicodemus, where are you?
Like he doesn't do that, hejust he gave the call, Nicodemus
made his choice, and then hemoved on.
And and and I think that'sthat's the Jesus that we need to
(18:51):
bring more back into the churchrelationship is like there's
grace, but there's also truth.
And so if we always lean onthis, this this abundance of
grace all the time, then where'sthe truth?
Where's the consequence?
Right.
So for me, the consequence wasthe codependency, breaking off
of that, it was hard.
But then the the truth is I'mgoing to not do this again
(19:12):
because I don't want to becodependent, or if I recognize
it, now I have tools by readingand still talking to you know
other people.
Where if I find myself in that,I go, okay, wait, time out,
Freddy.
You're becoming codependent.
You need to shut it off.
Renee Richel (19:25):
Yes.
And I love that you bring allthat up.
And that was one of the biggestreasons why 15 or 17 years ago,
when I started the concept oflove starts with you with God,
is because I'm like, why do Ikeep attracting the same type of
relationships?
And the truth is, I lost my ownidentity of who I truly am that
God's designed me to do,because instead I was always
helping somebody else thateither was codependent, which
(19:46):
then I became codependent on, toa whole level of none of us are
helping each other.
So I always say the bestanalogy is when you go on a
plane and they say put theoxygen mask on yourself first so
you can help your seat mate soyou're not dead, right?
It's the same thing that I'mlike, if you don't put that
oxygen mask on with Jesus first,you can't help anybody else.
And and how I mean what I meanby that is like truly, I'll
(20:08):
never forget what a pastor toldme.
Well, by continuously trying tofix all of their problems, they
A are becoming codependent onyou.
And then ultimately you're nothelping them.
You're only just pushing thecan down the road, right?
Without actually resolving whatthe problem is, because only
they can put the oxygen mask onthemselves to fix them.
So you're actually enablingthem.
(20:28):
Which I was like, whoa, when Ilooked at it that way and not so
personal, it's amazing how thenyou can grow and blossom from
that too.
So I hate that you went throughthat, but it's also part of God
teaching us lessons every day,right?
In what we do.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (20:43):
With that, what I learned too, and I
use this when I give counselingto other people, is I tell
people, you are not emotionallyresponsible for that person's
well-being.
Renee Richel (20:52):
True.
And it's so true.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (20:54):
And so when they when it clicks, they
go, Oh, yeah, their chaos ortheir vicious cycle, they want
to pull you in.
You need to remove yourselffrom that.
Yeah.
Every time you try to get intoit, you know, it's like you'll
never fix them.
The only way, like if you youknow, just research, like for
example, for gambling, Iremember researching on a
gambler will not stop gamblinguntil they recognize they have
(21:18):
something to lose.
Renee Richel (21:20):
Right.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (21:21):
Until they recognize they have
something to lose, they willcontinue to gamble and gamble
and gamble and gamble.
But until they recognize, I'vehad friends alcoholics, and even
their doctors say if you don'tstop drinking, you're going to
die.
They still they still drinkuntil they recognize that I'm
going to lose my life.
I'm no longer gonna be able tobe a grandfather to my great
grandkids.
I need to stop.
(21:42):
But internally, that person hasto say, I'm the problem, they
are not.
I need to get help, drop mypride, and then getting help,
then they get better.
Renee Richel (21:51):
And in the meanwhile, people will say,
Well, then I just can't watchthem crash and burn and fall.
And I say, You're not.
Just pray for them every day.
That's the best power ofanything you can possibly give
that individual.
And then the hope is they'llsee the light, they'll come
chase after you, but youshouldn't be chasing anybody
other than Jesus because he'sgot this, right?
I know a lot of people beatthemselves up with all of that
(22:12):
too.
I feel like you and I can talkfor hours about all of this.
Um, well, tell me, okay, sohere's another what's a common
misconception Christians mighthave about love, dating, or
marriage, and how uh we canalign our views with scripture,
which probably goes off of whatyou kind of just talked about.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (22:31):
But oh man, that's a whole nother
podcast.
I think one thing that's reallydone a lot of damage is dating
apps.
I think have just Amen.
Renee Richel (22:40):
I couldn't agree more.
Pastor Freddy Wachte (22:41):
Naturally, on the same on the note, I
actually wanted to create adating app.
That's a whole nother thing,but I need to find someone to
actually do it just because ofmy own experience.
And I think there's there's aright way to do it and a wrong
way to do it.
But anyway, so I did datingapps are one thing I would
definitely say a lot of the whenreality TV shows came out, I
think I did a whole number on ittoo.
But what you did was youstarted feeding these
(23:05):
ideologies, and then I called,you know, whatever your classic
ROM ROM ROM videos, you know,the notebook or Titanic and all
this stuff.
So culture has created this,even Disney, this this fairy
tale land, and it's thensequeling a church.
And uh, because of onlinedating, especially as a coach,
(23:25):
um, it's it's like there's ait's not just there's a
two-course meal, there is afreaking buffet now.
And is everyone is saying, getthis and do this and do that,
and the social media, we knowhow real and fake it is.
People portray these lives,like everything is so great.
I have the house, I have thecar, I have the kids, I have
this, whatever.
And and and so I think what'shappened is we've created this
(23:48):
false reality of what we think arelationship is.
Um, I would even go further ifyou want to do another podcast
another time.
The whole purity culturecompletely destroyed the way we
look at sex.
And then the church in general,even like on a on a moral
failure type of thing, I thinksex, sexual sin in the church
has been put on such a highpedestal that if someone does
(24:12):
this or that, it's like they'reexcommunicated.
And I'm going, okay, but younever talk about gluttony, you
never talk about the other typesof sins, like you always talk
about this, and so you you put,and then you talk about, you
know, I'm a part of a couple ofsingle groups where people are
prideful, like, you know, whyI've kept my virginity, that's
great, but you also have notbeen educated how a woman's
(24:35):
bodies work or how man's bodieswork.
And so like you have thispurity culture that I'm not I'm
not all against it, but Iremember when in my last church,
the pastor was great, he said,I gave my girls, yes, three
girls, not a promise ring, but Igave them a um, I gave them a
value ring.
So no matter what happens, ifthey mess up, I they know
they're still valid.
There'll be a consequence,whether you're pregnant or
(24:56):
whatever, stuff like that.
But he but he took away thewhole purity thing and he said,
I will love you no matter what,but if you make this
consequence, you're gonna reapthe consequences.
I'll still love you.
But a promise, what happened topurity culture is like even
done research.
Like I've read that girls werewere killing themselves because
they made a promise to daddy andthen they broke the promise,
(25:18):
and because they're daddy'sgirl, they felt so much guilt
overwhelming that they tooktheir own lives.
Renee Richel (25:22):
I mean, that's a whole nother oh my gosh, that's
terrible.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (25:25):
It's true, it's like a whole nother
whole other subject.
But going back, I scrolled alittle bit.
Renee Richel (25:29):
Well, I don't think anybody spends enough time
that your body is your templeand a gift that God gave you,
right?
And instead, it's like itlooking at it that way, it's
like you don't realize itsometimes until later on in life
because nobody talks about itat a young age.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (25:43):
So sorry, I I can I went out changed to
go back to your originalquestion.
So I think the thing withChristians is, and another thing
too is just because he or sheis a Christian is not enough.
They I mean it he wants someonelike that, but how many people
do you know love the Lord butdon't know how to budget, don't
know how to communicate, don'tknow how to do don't, don't.
(26:04):
I mean, I I know a lot of guysare really godly men, but they
just they do nothing with theirlife.
Like there's no drive, there'sno passion.
So you have the biblicalprinciples, but you also have
the practical principles.
You know that even, you know, Imean, even as a matchmaker, I
think there has to be a balanceof like, yes, you want someone
who has the biblical principles,but you also want someone who
(26:27):
also has the practicalprinciples.
So I won't go into detail thatthere's a person in my church
right now how to confidentialcan't say the name, but they're
in their 40s and they don't knowhow they don't know when
alignment is, they don't knowhow to rotate the tires.
And I'm like, dude, you're likehow would you not know this
stuff?
And especially being 40.
I mean, it's kind of you know,but I mean I'm not voting
(26:49):
against them, I'm just sayingit's just heartbreaking.
It just means that they weren'traised in that.
So so I think for culture-wise,like you there's a practicality
and there's there's a spiritualI 100% agree.
Renee Richel (27:02):
Um okay, so with that said, being about like love
and dating and marriage and theviews with scripture, like
where do you scripturally kindof send people in the waiting
phase of you know, prayerfullypraying for the love of their
life or having challenges?
Is there certain areas whereyou direct them to?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (27:25):
That's a good question.
I'm not I want a good rabbittrail.
I think the thing, not so muchscripture, I just tell people
that because I think there's athing people use the whole you
know, Ruth and the Boaz storyout of context, number one, and
and and they they they usescripture, I think, almost as
well, you just need to followthis, and this is how it is.
(27:47):
And and I think the thing, andyou probably know as dating
coaches, I encourage peopleenjoy being single and learn to
love yourself first.
If you don't love yourselffirst, then everything around
you, you're trying to find loveor acceptance or whatever, it's
never gonna fully satisfy you.
Like it just won't.
(28:07):
I mean, even counselors saylike your relationship with God
is first, so God is first, yourspouse is second, your your your
kids or family is third, kindof thing.
So I think with the Christiansbeing single, I would encourage
them to be okay.
So there's a there's a there'sthere's a word, you know,
(28:28):
there's lonely and loneliness.
So lonely means I am justlonely.
Like being alone is a choice,like I choose to be alone,
nothing wrong with that.
Renee Richel (28:41):
Like, you know, a lot of people they just want to
find themselves, they want to dotheir like some just need that
time to be alone to you knowfind their identity.
Yes.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (28:49):
I have given counsel to singles like
The Song of Solomon.
So if I need it, what I loveabout it is it's this man
pursuing this woman in such a insuch a passionate but such a
graceful and respectful way thatand you you know this day and
coach, how many men don't knowhow to pursue?
Like how many men don't pursueright way, and then how many
(29:11):
women shun away the the pursue,right?
Like used to be open the door,like thank you.
Now it's like I can open my owndoor myself.
Thank you so much.
Like, I don't need your help.
Renee Richel (29:19):
I tell my way, my female clients is all day long.
Let a man lean.
You want a leader as a man, lethim open the door, let him
lead.
Like, stop cutting him off withthe knees.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (29:28):
The thing, too, is I'll tell men and
women, let the man be thespiritual leader.
I've nothing wrong with thewoman.
There's there are more womenI've met who are more
spiritually mature than mostmen, and that is a whole nother
subject.
So, so men being the spiritualleaders, not and you know, and
then the scripture you obviouslyknow the wiv, it's on both
ends.
Yeah.
Remember, there's a marriedcouple, uh, friends of mine,
(29:49):
they said, How do you say, Ialways try to outgive, we always
try to outgive each other.
So it was a balance.
Like I always Serve my wife,she always serves me.
Like men have their needs,women have their needs.
But men, when it comes, likeyou know, as a man, men have
what's called boxes, and womenhave what's called spaghetti
(30:11):
brains.
You've ever seen this.
Renee Richel (30:12):
Yeah, I spaghetti and waffles.
They are one of our biggestmentors, Pam and Bill Farrell.
Love them.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (30:17):
So, like nothing box, the work box, sex
box, play box, whatever, right?
Women are like they canmultitask, whatever.
So, so so I think where why Godcalls men to the spiritual
leaders, and I'm not I'm beingvery cautious.
I know this is a podcast.
There's something that God hasput in a man that men are
designed to fight.
Like you look at boys, they'replaying with guns and G.I.
(30:38):
Joe's and getting the girlsdoing the dolls, right?
So there's a feminist side ofthat, and then there's a manly
side of that.
And I think in culture, there'skind of been this switch.
And and so, like, you know, asa dating coach, like women are
independent, they make theirmoney.
Like, okay, you you do that,but where's the man going to
have a role in that?
If you do everything on yourown, what is a man going to
(31:00):
offer you?
Are you allowing the man tospiritually lead you to pray for
you, you know, to go to church?
I mean, I could tell you howmany women go to church alone
and their husbands stay home.
And that just breaks my heart.
Because the man needs, like,I've gone to mission trips and
in other countries, theyspecifically go after the men
because if the man, when the mancomes to know the Lord, the
(31:20):
rest of the household follows.
Studies show that when a man,even in America, is a spiritual
leader, the rest of the familyfollows.
If the wife or the girlfriend,whatever, is more a spiritual
leader, then the probability ofthe rest of the family falling
is less.
And it's nothing against women,it's just that God called men
to be spiritual leaders.
So I think, yeah, I'll give anexample like worshiping.
(31:41):
Um, how many men they will juststand in church and they'll
just kind of do this.
But at a football game, they'relike, Yeah, let's go, baby.
Renee Richel (31:49):
Yeah, that is such a good analogy.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (31:50):
I think literally, like they're
screaming and yelling at the topof the lungs, and they'll dance
or you know, out there, andthey'll they'll put body pain on
there.
But coming to church, they'rejust like, This is awkward.
And I think part of it, anothersubject is men have a hard
time.
This is this is definitelyborderline.
Some men have a hard timedeciphering when we sing to God,
(32:12):
it's not just as a he, he's abeing.
So singing these songs, theselove songs, you have to be able
to separate the the sexuality ofit, like the gayness of it.
Does that make sense?
And so I think like I love whenmen get emotional, and and for
the women, you want a man to beemotional because when a man's
emotional means that he'svulnerable and that he's
(32:34):
transparent.
Look at Jesus, same thing.
It's like you want a man that'stough and rugged and stuff like
that, but you also want a manthat's gentle and is hard.
Renee Richel (32:41):
Yes, all that all this no different than my men
will say that they all day long,like, yes, I'm attracted to a
successful woman, but I alsowant her to be soft, warm, and
kind when she's home and notbeing my boss in every area of
her life.
What encouragement would yougive to someone who feels
discouraged in their singlenessand who's um ex experienced
(33:03):
broken relationships?
Has experienced brokenrelationships.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (33:07):
Yeah, I think, and you probably know
this.
I think the number one thingpeople need to do more is heal.
So I think it's that everybodyhas a past, right?
So I use this when I talk topeople.
You have a past, you have apresent, you have a future.
Have you ever watched the movieInception?
Like with Leonard DiCaprio,it's a great, great analogy.
Renee Richel (33:26):
I have, but I'm trying to remember what that
one's about.
But yeah.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (33:28):
Where his his his dead wife, uh, he he he
won't let go of her.
So in the movie, she alwaysbecomes part of his present,
which then affects his future.
Sure.
So I tell people that you havea past and you can't forget your
past, whatever hurt someonedid, whether it be child or
whatever family stuff, but Godhas given us the freedom of
(33:50):
choice to not live in the past.
People that live in their past,their past hurt, their past
mistakes, even talking aboutdivorce, the reason why the
second, the third don't work outis in counselors say because
the person didn't heal enoughfrom that divorce.
Renee Richel (34:03):
Amen.
So true.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (34:05):
You know that as a dating coach, right?
Renee Richel (34:07):
I witness it, I hear it all day long, and I'm
like, we've got to change thetrajectory.
The only way we do that ischange like your true core so we
don't keep attracting the sametime.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (34:18):
So so heal from your past, get
counseling, go to whatever, youknow, blah, blah, blah, read
books.
So heal enough from your pastso that you're able to live in
the present, therefore you havea future.
Right because if you healenough from your past, even you
know, like first I'm loved byGod, so using hours are like
it's kind of cheesy, but flat.
I'm cleansed, loved, accepted,and pleasing by God.
So what I'm like that, yeah, isthat I am physically, I'm using
(34:41):
all of my senses.
I'm feeling it, I am hearingit, and I'm saying it.
Renee Richel (34:46):
Yeah.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (34:47):
Mentally, that's a thing I've used before
counseling as a pastor.
Like you're cleansed, you'reloved, accepted, pleasing to
God.
So if like for singles, healenough for yourself.
And I believe that when you'vehealed enough, then it's like
the matrix, like the blue pill,red pill.
Now it's singleness as a wholedifferent thing.
Now you know the value.
Like I have value to givesomeone else.
(35:10):
I don't determine their valuemyself.
And if they're not willing toreceive it, then I'm okay with
it.
Right.
Like recognizing yourself-worth, what you have to
offer, even your own baggage,and being confident knowing that
your perspective is nowchanged.
Like you said, like healing.
So the typical analogy the guy,the girls go after the bad boys
and the tattoos and themuscles, whatever, stuff like
(35:31):
that, right?
Like they they've created this,this, this fantasy that this is
what we're looking for, butthat's only the surface.
Because you and I know, even ondates, you can go on a guy, a
date with a really, really goodlooking guy.
But as soon as he startstalking, within five minutes,
your attraction goes up or goesdown like that.
Renee Richel (35:49):
Right.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (35:50):
Looks fade in time.
Uh you want to be attracted tostuff like that, but you have to
also line with what, like,here's my values.
Do you share the same kind ofvalues?
Renee Richel (36:01):
Right.
Which I also say, I thinkthere's enough people that pass
it when we talked about earlieronline dating, every judging a
profile and things like that.
I feel, and I I've done a tonof like reels and just topics on
this whole conversation.
I feel like people don't givesomebody enough of a chance.
And because at the end of theday, the most sexy quality
outside of yes, you have to bephysically attracted and we're
(36:22):
not curious, but maybe you know,their hairline isn't perfect,
their height isn't perfect, butI mean they're attractive,
right?
At least enough, but they haveall the qualities that's gonna
last so much longer than thesurface, right?
That is what actually becomesthe most attractive quality
about that.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (36:37):
I I'm sure you do too.
I tell this people, especiallylike long distance, because it's
so you know normal now to longdistance, whatever.
Um, you need to spend qualitytime with the person to really
see the next step.
Even as a dating coach, I'msure studies for women, if the
first date doesn't go as good asyou thought, unless there's
like major red flags, give theguy second or third dates.
(36:59):
Like too many people just likeone date and they're out.
Well, his nails are dirty.
Well, he works, he works or hishair was whatever, whatever.
I'm like, like I said, likethere's all these, there's all
these check boxes, like he hasto have all these things.
I remember a pastor said it wasgreat, they took these couples
in one room, singles, males, andfemales, and they said, write
down everything you're lookingfor in your spouse, right?
(37:19):
And they're like, yeah, yeah,yeah, right.
And then they looked and theysaid, Okay, now if you were to
give that list to your futurepartner, would their list line
up?
Would the list right withyours, right?
Renee Richel (37:32):
Do they want the exact same thing?
Yeah.
We do an exercise like that, wecall it a needs and wants
analysis, and then we have itnarrowed down because people
will put like uh sometimes ahundred things, who knows,
right?
And we have them narrow it downto our top 12 words that are
non-negotiables that when weinterview, we use those as our
guideline.
And then we say, This is youraccountability tool, because at
(37:52):
the end of the day, the problemwhen you haven't found that
person is you steer away fromyour non-negotiables, and then
you're left with somebody thathas none of those
non-negotiables, and you'restill searching for the love of
your life.
It's not that hard, which isvery similar to what you know
they're saying.
But we're also like, let's bereal, nobody's perfect.
So I think 12 words is betterthan 35.
(38:12):
You know?
Um, I love that.
Okay, so as a pastor, what'sone piece of wisdom you wish
more couples or singlespreparing for marriage could
take seriously from the start?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (38:27):
Yeah, so for the women, and I'll speak to
this in young women, you want aman that goes to a church
regularly, not just the SundayChristian that goes on Easter
and Christmas.
You know, they call the CEOs.
Right.
Just because they're aChristian doesn't mean they're
Christian.
Like, there's an actual, like,I call like, are you a follower
of Jesus or are you a Christian?
(38:48):
Because a follower of Jesus isa totally different mindset to
say everyone says they're aChristian, they just think, oh,
right.
So for the females to say youwant a man that actively goes to
a church locally, attends likeon a regular basis, means he's
actually being part of it.
If we go one step further, it'dbe even better if they actually
served in capacity, becausethen it shows that they're
(39:08):
serving a local church, they'regonna serve you.
And then for the men, I wouldsay, you know, you want a woman
that respects herself.
And I'm gonna, I'm gonnaprobably offend a lot of people
here.
I'm nothing against selfies,like women take million selfies.
I get it, I know guys do too.
But there is a balance of howmuch of yourself public do you
want to display for other peopleto see, and then how much do
(39:31):
you want to keep that foryourself and for your partner.
So, like I I have a closefriend who's married now, but
they did not even put on theirprofile, they were public until
after about six months afterdating.
Renee Richel (39:42):
I tell people that all day long, if you're not
gonna be proud of somethingyou're posting 25 years from
now, don't post it.
And everybody's like, 25 years,and I'm like, I'm just given a
hard number that we can all,once it's out there, you can
always look back at it.
And are you gonna be proud ofwhatever it is you posted?
Pastor Freddy Wachter (39:57):
So, so yeah, I would say as a pastor,
for the women listening, find aman who who actually not
perfect, but try to do his bestto be a part of a local church,
be a part of a life group,because that means that he's
actually being accountable toother, you know, other things.
It's not just he just shows upkind of thing.
Renee Richel (40:18):
Well, and he's following Jesus, like you said.
I love that.
I mean, there is a differencebetween somebody that's
Christ-centered following Jesusand somebody that just says
they're a Christian, too.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (40:26):
So And then I say for the men, find a
woman who understands thebiblical principle of I mean,
it's a whole other subject, likeunderstanding what it means to
respect a man.
So I think there's there's beena huge loss of respect.
Like I know the you know, theR-E-S-P-C-T kind of thing, that
that was a big thing.
But if you research the actualcontext behind the song, the
author or the the the writerwith the song, he wrote it for
(40:51):
the sake that he was trying totell his wife, I need respect.
But because a female made itpublic and made it popular, it
was, and I get that women wantrespect too.
But at the heart of it, menwant respect, women want love.
You don't see men snuggling upon the couch, and maybe you do,
uh, you know, for for like amovie.
Women will do it, and it'stotally normal.
But I never see bros like, oh,dude, come here, let's snuggle
(41:12):
together.
Like, that's just awkward,right?
Like, like men want respect.
They they want to know, I wanta man, I've men in my life, like
I know they have my back.
And then women want they wantthey want the love and respect.
Renee Richel (41:24):
Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
I totally agree.
Well, I love all of this.
We have so many things to talkabout.
I do have to give a plug and ashout out for you because I am a
matchmaker and this is gonna goviral to everybody.
So if anybody and everybody islooking for somebody just like
Freddy, please contact us.
We have interviewed him.
I have all of the detailsprivately, confidentially, um,
(41:48):
that I would love to learn moreabout you because I have a good
idea, I think, who he's lookingfor too.
Um, and so I would love to chatwith you if you have any
interest to verify and make sureyou're qualified for what I
know you deserve, and viceversa, who your future bride is
someday.
In the meanwhile, we are gonnacontinue to keep you in our
prayers, who the Lord does havefor you, because I know this
(42:09):
woman is going to just be solucky to meet you and vice versa
back.
Thank you.
So until next time, um, when wehave you back on talking about
more topics, please write in ifthere was anything we talked
about today that you're like,yes, touch more on that.
I feel like I've got tons.
So I know that we'll have youback on for sure, talking about
(42:30):
some of the things we ran out oftime to talk about in today's
podcast.
I hope you have a wonderfulrest of your week and can't wait
for our next chat.
God bless.
Pastor Freddy Wachter (42:40):
Awesome.
Thanks.
Renee Richel (42:46):
It's been another great talk on this episode of 1
True Talks by Renee Richel.
I look forward to our nextchat.
Please write in your questionsand comments so I can be sure to
talk about whatever it is youwant to discuss in our next
upcoming episode.
Lots of love.
God bless.
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