February 6, 2025 • 28 mins
Discover the true essence of purity in relationships and how to align your heart, mind, and actions with faith, as we welcome Dr. Melissa Fenton, president of Mind, Body and Beyond Center, to 1 True Talks. Together, we redefine purity beyond sexual restraint, recognizing it as a holistic state that reflects God's teachings in all aspects of life. As culture often commercializes and misrepresents intimacy, we offer practical insights to help you uphold your values and foster meaningful connections. Dr. Fenton shares how to reframe discussions around sex and intimacy, emphasizing that purity is not about perfection but about staying true to one's spiritual and moral convictions.
Navigate the intricacies of setting personal boundaries within your relationships with newfound clarity and confidence. Together we will guide you through the dynamic evolution of boundaries, highlighting self-awareness, communication, and mutual respect as crucial components. Whether you're engaged, dating, or single, learn how to fortify your emotional and spiritual foundation while maintaining commitment to a God-honoring relationship. Join us in this heartfelt journey infused with faith, love, and integrity, and inspire your relationship path with wisdom and grace.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Renee Richel (00:07):
Hi, I'm Renee Richel, the founder and
president of 1 True Match.
I'm here to help you find andcultivate the love of your life.
For over a decade, I'vededicated my life to the
importance, purpose and dynamicof human relationships.
My team and I are disciplinedby faith, love and integrity to
help our clients find thequality relationship they've
(00:28):
always dreamt of.
Each week, I will be sharingthe tools and tips I've learned
that have rooted my success as amatchmaker with other leaders
around the world.
Hello, loves, welcome back.
I am so excited for this nexttopic about purity pressure
(00:50):
navigating physical boundarieson our own terms.
This week I am excited to haveour beautiful Dr.
Melissa Fenton, who is thepresident of Mind, body and
Beyond Center.
She also has her own privatepractice here in Jacksonville
Beach, and today we are going toexplore how Christians can
(01:13):
navigate purity in a worldfilled with external pressures,
helping you redefine purity, setpersonal boundaries and honor
God in your physical choicesregarding sex and intimacy.
So welcome, Melissa.
I'm so excited you're here withus to talk about this huge
topic.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (01:34):
Thank you, Renee.
I am honored to be here and itis, you're right, a huge topic.
Renee Richel (01:40):
And so what we're going to start off with is I
want everybody to know a littlebit about you.
So if you could, in howevermany words, tell us a little bit
about what you do and how youhave helped people over the
years in your practice.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (01:53):
Sure, sure.
So I am a licensed mentalhealth counselor and I hold a
doctorate in sexology.
I am married, I've been marriedto a wonderful man for going on
35 years, which is is just, youknow, work in progress to make
sure that we stay committed,committed to ourselves and
(02:15):
committed to God and our faith.
So, and I'm a very deeplyspiritual person.
Um, so, and I'm working.
I think we talked before thepodcast started that my journey
has been moving closer andcloser to God and this year is
my first year starting January 1, that I opened up the Bible and
(02:37):
I'm doing a daily walk in theBible and it's been wonderful.
Renee Richel (02:41):
I love it, and Melissa and I met about a year
and a little bit ago through oneof our other amazing experts,
robert.
You hear us talk about himbeing financially sexy as one of
those other elements, and heconnected us at God's perfect
timing and I'm so excited tohave you on a podcast today to
dive even deeper into his wordand all that.
(03:01):
That means to kind of unpackthis title, because it's
something that we hear and arefaced with all the time, with
questions of like what really isintimacy?
Right, and I know you, workingwith some of our singles dating
engaged and married couplesthere's a different meaning in
each person's thought of that.
(03:22):
But what I want to really diveinto today is for our singles
also in waiting, going throughthis time of purity and what
really intimacy means too.
So I'm going to start off byasking just really our first
question that refines purity inGod's design for intimacy.
How would you define purity?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (03:47):
for intimacy .
How would you define purity?
Well, that's a great question.
Purity really has twodefinitions.
When we talk about purityspiritually, we're talking about
our connection to God, our pureconnection to God.
And the other is our moralconnection, our moral purity.
And when we talk about moralpurity, it's about our purity,
our connection to a partner orto others, and both of them.
(04:12):
Well, let me say this it's notall about sex.
Purity is in the heart, it's inthe mind, it's in our behaviors
.
So sometimes there's amisconception what purity is and
what purity isn't.
Renee Richel (04:27):
Right.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (04:27):
So, keeping in mind that when you have your
purity, when you're pure of theheart toward God, you have a
deep connection to God, right,and then your purity that we
hope we have with others is moreabout being truthful, being
honest, having sacrifice andjust being open and a good
(04:49):
person and following God's wordin that relationship.
Renee Richel (04:53):
I 100% agree.
I love it.
Why do you think theconversation around purity, sex
and intimacy is so critical whenit comes to Christians today?
Yes, it is, it's critical.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (05:04):
As you see, our world is ever-changing.
It is a world of technology,it's a world where sex sells,
and it's everywhere.
It's on the internet, it's onTV, it's on the billboards, it's
everywhere.
So that can be very confusingfor Christian people.
Renee Richel (05:23):
Yeah, I mean to the point where now they have
like I think it's like what isit like robo girlfriends or
something Like it's just notwhat's out there.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (05:32):
It's crazy and the idea of sex sells and
our culture is very permissive.
Yeah, so what does a Christianperson, single person, do?
How do they navigate that withour culture, where those
(05:54):
conservative norms are not whatI would say the norm, it's not
what your friends are doing orwhat social media is showing.
Renee Richel (05:59):
Right, right.
So how would you define purityRight?
So how would you define purity.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (06:04):
Personally, as I say, purity is the sexual
component of purity and, as Isaid, it's not all about sex,
right, right.
So purity is about, in yourheart, following God's word,
knowing your true values andfollowing it and sticking with
(06:25):
it.
So purity is within one's heartand then it moves into your
thoughts and actions.
Also, I can tell you thatpurity, what it's not and what
it's not is perfection.
That is true.
It's so true, and we have thatmisconception, that the only way
we can maintain our purity isif we walk God's word perfectly.
Renee Richel (06:48):
Yes, yes, amen.
What does the Bible say aboutsex and intimacy, and how can we
view these topics in a way thathonors God, rather than seeing
them as a taboo?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (07:00):
That taboo is tough.
Taboo, that taboo is tough,right, I mean, I think a lot of
single Christians feel, as I say, confused and if they follow
the social norms, they feel likethey're sinning and then they
feel impure.
So what I would say is toanyone listening it's about
(07:21):
looking at yourself and ask whatare my values?
What do I believe in?
Not what social media tells meI need to believe in, or the
internet.
What do I personally, what's myrelationship with God?
What do I believe in and can Istick to that?
So intimacy and sex are.
(07:42):
When you talk about purity,intimacy and sex, sex, take out
the word sex so much and thinkhow can I be intimate first with
myself and with God and whatare my values, and then be clear
and stick with them.
So when you start dating, yoube honest with yourself and
honest with your partner and saythat this is what's pure for me
(08:04):
and this is what makes me feelokay, and I'm going to stick to
these boundaries.
Renee Richel (08:08):
Yeah, which, I always say, creates such a
deeper foundation to an intimatecommunication relationship, to
know you're leading in the rightdirection, absolutely.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (08:18):
Yeah, I love that Okay.
Renee Richel (08:19):
So navigating external and internal pressures
let's talk about culture oftenpromotes a do what feels right
kind of attitude when it comesto the mindset of, obviously,
sex and church sometimes focuseson what is shame-based purity
right in the culture.
How can someone navigate theseextremes and find healthy,
(08:42):
biblical actions?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (08:43):
Well, obviously, anytime we have an
extreme, that's problematic inmy eyes.
So I want the listeners tounderstand that neither extreme
is right.
We're looking for the middleground.
We're looking for that middleway.
And in order to find thatmiddle way once again I go back
to the previous answer look toyourself, for what does that
(09:05):
look like for me?
Because what it looks like forme may not be what it looks like
for you, Right?
So when you know that andyou're comfortable with that and
you can say this is who I amand this is what I want, and
then it's about exercising selfcontrol yes, Right, Because it
is tough.
It is tough when we're feelingthose feelings toward another
(09:29):
and we want to get closer tothem, and obviously the
chemistry takes over.
I would say again, if I can bemore succinct about it, is
knowing what's right for you,really declaring those
boundaries to the person thatyou're going to be dating and
sticking to them and feelinglike that's my middle ground and
(09:50):
I'm not going to wait.
Renee Richel (09:51):
Well, in our practice, all day long, we
always tell her if somebodydoesn't appreciate and respect
your morals, values and beliefs,then there's somebody else that
God has designed for you right,so it is important that you say
that early on.
We always say set boundariesand just make sure that you're
with somebody.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (10:08):
That also is intentional and believes that
right exactly, and so, and, andI always want to say that
another piece with that is prayabout it, pray to god ask what
is the middle ground for me,what do you have from?
what is my design?
And ask for forgiveness if youfeel like you've swayed one way
(10:28):
or another, because God has somuch grace and forgiveness that
he grants.
So, remembering that there isno one way and it doesn't have
to be extreme.
It's about asking forforgiveness through prayer and
then honestly saying what's goodfor me and being comfortable
declaring those boundaries withsomeone else and then living a
(10:49):
different way to not continuethat path right too.
Renee Richel (10:52):
So how do you deal with clients that kind of go
through?
What I would say is that guiltand shame from maybe you know
past sexual experiences thatthey have a hard time now going
into a new relationship beingthis way.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (11:06):
Good question.
Guilt and shame are strong andvery, very common emotions that
we all do.
First I would say to thoseclients is you're not alone, we
are not.
We all sin, we all do things,maybe cross boundaries that we
now know later on that we regret.
(11:28):
So I know it sounds soelementary, but it's so
important for someone to realizethat you are not alone in this.
We all do it.
So when we know we all do it,there allows some sense of peace
.
I can take that burden off meand then, of course, again go
(11:49):
back into prayer and ask forstrength and forgiveness from
God.
Renee Richel (11:54):
I love that.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (11:54):
So we do that and we look to the present.
Then, once we've done that,once we've done those two major
components, it's about now, hereI am and I want to move forward
in a certain way, am and I wantto move forward in a certain
way.
So it's setting the goals foryourself and sticking with them
and not feeling like I have tolook back, right back to the
(12:16):
present, because the past isgone and you've asked for
forgiveness and now it's allabout what you're going to do,
moving forward.
Renee Richel (12:23):
Right, Great advice, Absolutely.
When we talk about likepractical steps and setting
boundaries in dating, you knowsetting physical boundaries can
be difficult, especially when itcomes to the emotional
attraction, like you said.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (12:37):
Yes that chemistry is strong.
Renee Richel (12:39):
How would you advise you know singles early on
to be having thoseconversations, so that they
don't have to be in thosetemptation moments?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (12:51):
Yes, great question.
I think we all have been thereat one time or another.
So I would say I mean there'stwo components to this question,
if I may.
The first is, again, knowingyourself, being aware of what
your boundaries are.
It's so often that we look toother people oh, that's their
(13:13):
boundaries, or that's someoneelse's boundaries on TV, which
can be boundaryless and then theconfusion sets in.
So once again coming back toself, being aware of what feels
right with me, being aware ofwhat feels right with me.
If you don't know what that is,look to some of spiritual
mentors or those in yourcommunity that follow the same,
(13:36):
have the same like-mindedbeliefs and values that you have
, and then get firm on it and becomfortable saying to your
partner early on, earlier thanlater.
Having that is a crucialconversation and I know it can
be awkward and it feels likethere's fear, like if I say this
, they're not going to want tobe with me.
(13:56):
But remember that, as you said,if that person doesn't receive
it well, then they are not theone that God has a plan for you
to be with.
So it's about honoring yourself, knowing your values, knowing
your boundaries and expressingit early on.
Now, let's face it, we tend tochange.
(14:17):
No one stays the same.
We are ever evolving.
So what might be early on inyour relationship, for instance,
if you're not comfortable withmore than holding hands or a hug
, you express that in thebeginning but later, as you move
deeper into the relationshipand you have more trust and
respect with one another, thenyou can have that conversation
(14:39):
again.
And what I would say really thesecond part, is once you have
that conversation and you knowyour boundaries and you stick
with it.
Let's say your partner hasstricter boundaries.
Let's say they're notcomfortable even holding your
hand because they know that'sgoing to lead to something else
the stricter, the boundary wins.
So it's really about right.
(15:01):
So, whoever someone, maybe weassume that our values, our
boundaries are someone else'sand we don't want to have that
assumption.
We want to know ours, expressours clearly, stick with it and
have our partner tell us whattheirs are.
And, as I say, if yours ortheirs, whoever, has the
stronger boundaries, we have tohonor them.
Renee Richel (15:23):
And if they're not willing to honor it, then move
on yeah, and I love the wordhonor, as you're saying that,
because in a marriage, in arelationship, that's what it is
all about is love and respectright, and if we're not
respecting that early on, injust even the single stage of it
, how is it going to be thensomeday?
In a marriage, too, we have topractice what we preach.
Right Is a big part of it too,so I love that.
(15:45):
So what about, like overcomingchallenges and staying committed
to purity?
One question is if someonecrosses a boundary they didn't
intend to, how can they bounceback spiritually and emotionally
, which you kind of talked aboutwas being prayerful and
forgiveness, and intentionalright.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (16:03):
Yes, that's always first, and the second is
to again to remember we arehuman, being human as far as I
know, there's only one personthat has lived a life without
sin and thank goodness he didand he forgives us through his
sacrifice.
We are always forgiven.
We will always be forgiven,moving forward.
(16:25):
So when you cross a boundaryand you've been prayerful and
you ask for forgiveness, thenit's about okay, how can I
asking yourself, how can I dothings to feel good about myself
again?
So, maybe that's.
We've already talked aboutprayer.
Maybe there's meditation, maybeexercise, spending time alone,
(16:47):
feeling like reading scriptureagain, surrounding yourself with
like-minded people in yourcommunity.
There's so many ways and eachperson needs to look at what
fills their cup, what's going torefill yourself, because it's
not about continuallysacrificing and punishing
oneself, because then we knowyou're going to sin again, right
(17:08):
?
So once we start feeling betterabout ourselves and we realize
we're back on that bike andwe're riding again.
That's what we want to do iswhat's going to get us back on
that?
Renee Richel (17:18):
bike Right.
Keeping your mind, body, spiritand energy active in other
areas right too, fuels thatintention to stay in your values
too, so let's talk aboutkeeping Christ at the center of
relationships.
So, as you, I'm sure, work withcouples as well as singles too.
(17:38):
How can engaged couples preparefor a healthy, God-honoring sex
life in marriage whilemaintaining boundaries before
marriage?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (17:49):
Great question.
It's not easy.
I'm going to start with that,right?
Okay, Again, it goes back tothe conversations.
It goes back to rememberingwhen we talked about sex and
intimacy, remembering thatintimacy and sex are separate.
They don't always have to be,but when we're talking about
(18:11):
keeping marriage, sex within theconfines of marriage and not
having sex prior to marriageeven though you're engaged and
you're committed to one another,I would say go back to the
basics, go back to deepeningyour emotional and spiritual
connections.
So it's, sex is wonderful andit's going to be wonderful when
(18:35):
you're married and it's one ofthose gifts that God has given
to us.
However, what we want to do andI think God wants us to really
respect and get to know oneanother and go together and go
to church, read scripturetogether, make a wonderful
community of friends that arelike-minded together, spend time
(18:57):
doing things that build thattrust and that connection
emotionally.
Renee Richel (19:02):
Yeah, that solid foundation to build off of right
.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (19:05):
Solid foundation, because and then I
also say because I have hadclients that say, okay, so how
do we transition from no sex, notalk about it, and then
suddenly we're married and itdoesn't always.
It's not always seamless, right?
So I encourage couples that areengaged to talk about what sex
(19:27):
means to them and what theyexpect once they get married, so
it's not just a shock that youdon't go from one to the other.
Let's have this bridge thattakes you so when.
Oh well, this would besomething that would be
wonderful for me.
This is what I envision with abeautiful sex life.
You know, talk about thesethings.
(19:48):
So it's such a wonderful thingthat you're just going to
seamlessly move into that.
Renee Richel (19:52):
Right, and everybody does have different
expectations when it comes tothat, as some of our married
couples and things like thatthat either we'll send to you or
just in general talk aboutthese things while they're in
waiting, right?
Because I mean somebody couldhave these wild fantasies when
you're married, right?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (20:09):
or someone could nod and like just
different, all right, and wedon't want to like it more.
Some like it, like all thesethings nobody thinks about and
talks about until then they'remarried and they wonder why it
doesn't work right exactly,don't prepare.
So I would say this is abeautiful time for preparation.
I also think, and you know, youcould go the pastor when you
have premarital counseling.
(20:30):
They talk about these things,but I encourage that kind of
conversation.
Now, sometimes thatconversation can get heated in a
passionate way.
So I also encourage you to beproactive and think about how do
I not put myself ourselves insituations where we may cross
boundaries, right?
So thinking about such whatcomes to my mind is if I'm
(21:02):
engaged, or when I was engagedway back when, I probably
wouldn't go to my fiance's houselate at night, I wouldn't stay
there past midnight alone,because then we're asking for
the temptation to get strong.
So why do we even put ourselvesin that?
So we do want to think aheadand set those boundaries Again.
You're doing that like youwould with dating, but maybe you
have to do it even morestrongly because you've gotten
to a place where you know eachother, you trust each other,
(21:23):
you're spending more timetogether.
So I say those boundaries haveto be followed even more
stringently.
Renee Richel (21:30):
A lot of the things that I know, I find and
you're the expert obviously inthis department is things go
back to maybe childhood of somesort.
Do you ever do a deeper dive tokind of help to figure out
where those temptations or thelack of, I would say, control or
boundaries come from?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (21:51):
As you know, in my doctorate in sexology I
work a lot with a whole range ofsexual concerns and oftentimes
with married couples.
If I may jump to that, ifthere's issues, if there are
issues with their intimacy andtheir sex lives, then when they
(22:13):
come to me we do an explorationand we do go back to when they
were sexualized.
How did they learn about sex?
Was it safe, was it healthy,was it deviant?
Because those help us uncoverwhat's going on internally, what
causes those temptations, thosedrives, those urges that may be
(22:34):
getting in the way of a healthyrelationship.
Renee Richel (22:36):
For those of you that are single, listening to
this thinking this doesn'tpertain to me because I'm not in
a relationship I do telleverybody all day long if you
want to be successfully married,learn these conversations now
so that when you do meet thatperson, you're prepared and
enriched what to do.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (22:56):
Awareness is key.
It always is, and I would saythat's always what I start with
After prayer.
We go to awareness, because ifwe're not aware of what's going
on, where the temptations are,then there's no way that we can
address it.
Renee Richel (23:12):
It's so true.
It's so true, and this is sucha powerful topic, when we look
at why relationships fail, and alot of it has to do with either
finance or sex or whatever, andit's because they didn't have
the preparatory questions I feellike prior, coming from the
period of singleness and waitingto be ready.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (23:32):
Look how far ahead someone would be if they
knew this Right.
None of us were taught thisstuff, right?
Renee Richel (23:37):
All we were taught is you go out, you meet
somebody, you have that feeling,that warm fuzzy, and then you
get married and nobody reallytalks about it.
It all works out.
That's called, like you know,the Disney fairy tale.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (23:48):
There's no reality through any of that and
it's not realistic because, as Isaid, we sin.
We don't intentionally sin allthe time, most of us do not but
we're learning.
We're humans and God knows thisabout us, and God is always
there to forgive and give us thestrength to work on being
better.
Renee Richel (24:05):
Yeah, and I love that you talk about, you know,
being intentional in prayer andpulling out your Bible.
And there's so many times whenthere's something on my mind or
I'm prayerfully praying for someof our clients or matches or
just people in general.
I'll be like, okay, lord, whatdo you want me to hear and I
love the Bible how it'll haveyou go to certain scripture that
gives you the answers you'reseeking in those moments and
(24:27):
it's like, let me stay strong inthat and that's where I need to
be in this moment in time too.
So in closing because I want toget like.
Your takeaway from all of thisis what would you share with the
listeners as a takeaway fromthis topic of conversation, to
remember.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (24:44):
There's so much.
I guess the takeaway for thelisteners that I hope that they
gather, and with them on theirjourney, is that, again, we're
all in this together.
The human condition is we'relearning, we're going to make
(25:04):
mistakes, we're going to fail,we're going to ask for
forgiveness.
So I want you to go away withhope.
Hope that it's okay, that youwill follow God's plan, is there
for you.
And each and every time westumble, if we remain hopeful
and we get up and we say youknow what, wait a minute, let me
(25:26):
go back to prayer, let me goback to the basics God's word,
and I know that he has a planfor me and I know that's so
simple but it's so powerful.
I know that's so simple, butit's so powerful, because if we
know that God has a plan for us,then we don't have to control
and worry and live in fear.
So my hope is that you leavethinking I don't have to fear.
(25:50):
Is there someone out there forme?
Am I going to find love?
Renee Richel (25:54):
Let that go and remember that God has a plan for
you, amen, and I'll neverforget my guardian angel, who is
now in heaven watching down.
It started and lit my torch ineverything that I do.
That was the one verse Jeremiah29: 11 NIV, that she left in my
implanted heart forever right,and it just it made such sense,
(26:14):
even though it was confusing.
It also gives you so much peace, so I absolutely love that.
So share with everybody how ourlisteners can connect with you
and get guidance when they needa resource.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (26:26):
As you had mentioned, I'm here in
Jacksonville, Jacksonville Beach.
They can get on.
They can either the websiteMind, body and Beyond Center or
they can look up online.
Melissa Fenton either Dr.
Melissa Fenton or MelissaFenton PhD.
Renee Richel (26:41):
Which I love, So we are definitely going to have
you back on and I would love tohave the listeners write in any
additional questions around thetopics that I feel you can do a
much deeper dive into forclarity and everything else.
So hopefully we'll have alibrary of more tips and tools
that are really beneficial andhelpful.
Hopefully, we'll have a libraryof more tips and tools that are
really beneficial and helpful.
So thank you so much for joiningus on today's topic that I feel
(27:02):
like so many seek and want toknow more on.
So we hope that you have foundthis valuable and beneficial to
share with others who arelooking for this answer and
seeking clarity, and, obviously,connect with Melissa at your
convenience as well as us, sothat we can have her on for more
chats around this topic andother things that she's so
(27:24):
knowledgeable.
In Next week, we are going totalk about Happy Valentine's Day
, which I cannot believe isalmost only a week away.
Next Thursday, February 13th, 1True Match is doing a 1 TRUE
SOCIAL (27:37):
Comedy Cupid Night.
So if you haven't alreadypurchased your tickets, please
go on, and any of our socialmedia will share with you how to
get a ticket.
This is for singles in.
I feel.
One of my biggest ideas that Idid forever ago was connecting
incredible Christian singlesright before Valentine's Day so
(27:58):
you can walk away with who knowswhat maybe a new friendship,
maybe somebody that you'll havethat you can go and have.
I don't know.
I say get dinner together orhave pizza and wine, or whatever
it is, to just celebrate havingnew friends and being in this
journey together.
You are never alone, as Melissasaid, and so we hope to see you
(28:18):
at that event.
We're going to love and leaveyou and hope you have a blessed
week Until next time.
It's been another great talk onthis episode of 1 True Talks by
Renee Richel.
I look forward to our next chat.
Please write in your questionsand comments so I can be sure to
(28:39):
talk about whatever it is youwant to discuss in our next
upcoming episode.
Lots of love, God Bless XOXO.
Hi, I'm Renee Richel, the founder and
president of 1 True Match.
I'm here to help you find andcultivate the love of your life.
For over a decade, I'vededicated my life to the
importance, purpose and dynamicof human relationships.
My team and I are disciplinedby faith, love and integrity to
help our clients find thequality relationship they've
(00:28):
always dreamt of.
Each week, I will be sharingthe tools and tips I've learned
that have rooted my success as amatchmaker with other leaders
around the world.
Hello, loves, welcome back.
I am so excited for this nexttopic about purity pressure
(00:50):
navigating physical boundarieson our own terms.
This week I am excited to haveour beautiful Dr.
Melissa Fenton, who is thepresident of Mind, body and
Beyond Center.
She also has her own privatepractice here in Jacksonville
Beach, and today we are going toexplore how Christians can
(01:13):
navigate purity in a worldfilled with external pressures,
helping you redefine purity, setpersonal boundaries and honor
God in your physical choicesregarding sex and intimacy.
So welcome, Melissa.
I'm so excited you're here withus to talk about this huge
topic.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (01:34):
Thank you, Renee.
I am honored to be here and itis, you're right, a huge topic.
Renee Richel (01:40):
And so what we're going to start off with is I
want everybody to know a littlebit about you.
So if you could, in howevermany words, tell us a little bit
about what you do and how youhave helped people over the
years in your practice.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (01:53):
Sure, sure.
So I am a licensed mentalhealth counselor and I hold a
doctorate in sexology.
I am married, I've been marriedto a wonderful man for going on
35 years, which is is just, youknow, work in progress to make
sure that we stay committed,committed to ourselves and
(02:15):
committed to God and our faith.
So, and I'm a very deeplyspiritual person.
Um, so, and I'm working.
I think we talked before thepodcast started that my journey
has been moving closer andcloser to God and this year is
my first year starting January 1, that I opened up the Bible and
(02:37):
I'm doing a daily walk in theBible and it's been wonderful.
Renee Richel (02:41):
I love it, and Melissa and I met about a year
and a little bit ago through oneof our other amazing experts,
robert.
You hear us talk about himbeing financially sexy as one of
those other elements, and heconnected us at God's perfect
timing and I'm so excited tohave you on a podcast today to
dive even deeper into his wordand all that.
(03:01):
That means to kind of unpackthis title, because it's
something that we hear and arefaced with all the time, with
questions of like what really isintimacy?
Right, and I know you, workingwith some of our singles dating
engaged and married couplesthere's a different meaning in
each person's thought of that.
(03:22):
But what I want to really diveinto today is for our singles
also in waiting, going throughthis time of purity and what
really intimacy means too.
So I'm going to start off byasking just really our first
question that refines purity inGod's design for intimacy.
How would you define purity?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (03:47):
for intimacy .
How would you define purity?
Well, that's a great question.
Purity really has twodefinitions.
When we talk about purityspiritually, we're talking about
our connection to God, our pureconnection to God.
And the other is our moralconnection, our moral purity.
And when we talk about moralpurity, it's about our purity,
our connection to a partner orto others, and both of them.
(04:12):
Well, let me say this it's notall about sex.
Purity is in the heart, it's inthe mind, it's in our behaviors
.
So sometimes there's amisconception what purity is and
what purity isn't.
Renee Richel (04:27):
Right.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (04:27):
So, keeping in mind that when you have your
purity, when you're pure of theheart toward God, you have a
deep connection to God, right,and then your purity that we
hope we have with others is moreabout being truthful, being
honest, having sacrifice andjust being open and a good
(04:49):
person and following God's wordin that relationship.
Renee Richel (04:53):
I 100% agree.
I love it.
Why do you think theconversation around purity, sex
and intimacy is so critical whenit comes to Christians today?
Yes, it is, it's critical.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (05:04):
As you see, our world is ever-changing.
It is a world of technology,it's a world where sex sells,
and it's everywhere.
It's on the internet, it's onTV, it's on the billboards, it's
everywhere.
So that can be very confusingfor Christian people.
Renee Richel (05:23):
Yeah, I mean to the point where now they have
like I think it's like what isit like robo girlfriends or
something Like it's just notwhat's out there.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (05:32):
It's crazy and the idea of sex sells and
our culture is very permissive.
Yeah, so what does a Christianperson, single person, do?
How do they navigate that withour culture, where those
(05:54):
conservative norms are not whatI would say the norm, it's not
what your friends are doing orwhat social media is showing.
Renee Richel (05:59):
Right, right.
So how would you define purityRight?
So how would you define purity.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (06:04):
Personally, as I say, purity is the sexual
component of purity and, as Isaid, it's not all about sex,
right, right.
So purity is about, in yourheart, following God's word,
knowing your true values andfollowing it and sticking with
(06:25):
it.
So purity is within one's heartand then it moves into your
thoughts and actions.
Also, I can tell you thatpurity, what it's not and what
it's not is perfection.
That is true.
It's so true, and we have thatmisconception, that the only way
we can maintain our purity isif we walk God's word perfectly.
Renee Richel (06:48):
Yes, yes, amen.
What does the Bible say aboutsex and intimacy, and how can we
view these topics in a way thathonors God, rather than seeing
them as a taboo?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (07:00):
That taboo is tough.
Taboo, that taboo is tough,right, I mean, I think a lot of
single Christians feel, as I say, confused and if they follow
the social norms, they feel likethey're sinning and then they
feel impure.
So what I would say is toanyone listening it's about
(07:21):
looking at yourself and ask whatare my values?
What do I believe in?
Not what social media tells meI need to believe in, or the
internet.
What do I personally, what's myrelationship with God?
What do I believe in and can Istick to that?
So intimacy and sex are.
(07:42):
When you talk about purity,intimacy and sex, sex, take out
the word sex so much and thinkhow can I be intimate first with
myself and with God and whatare my values, and then be clear
and stick with them.
So when you start dating, yoube honest with yourself and
honest with your partner and saythat this is what's pure for me
(08:04):
and this is what makes me feelokay, and I'm going to stick to
these boundaries.
Renee Richel (08:08):
Yeah, which, I always say, creates such a
deeper foundation to an intimatecommunication relationship, to
know you're leading in the rightdirection, absolutely.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (08:18):
Yeah, I love that Okay.
Renee Richel (08:19):
So navigating external and internal pressures
let's talk about culture oftenpromotes a do what feels right
kind of attitude when it comesto the mindset of, obviously,
sex and church sometimes focuseson what is shame-based purity
right in the culture.
How can someone navigate theseextremes and find healthy,
(08:42):
biblical actions?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (08:43):
Well, obviously, anytime we have an
extreme, that's problematic inmy eyes.
So I want the listeners tounderstand that neither extreme
is right.
We're looking for the middleground.
We're looking for that middleway.
And in order to find thatmiddle way once again I go back
to the previous answer look toyourself, for what does that
(09:05):
look like for me?
Because what it looks like forme may not be what it looks like
for you, Right?
So when you know that andyou're comfortable with that and
you can say this is who I amand this is what I want, and
then it's about exercising selfcontrol yes, Right, Because it
is tough.
It is tough when we're feelingthose feelings toward another
(09:29):
and we want to get closer tothem, and obviously the
chemistry takes over.
I would say again, if I can bemore succinct about it, is
knowing what's right for you,really declaring those
boundaries to the person thatyou're going to be dating and
sticking to them and feelinglike that's my middle ground and
(09:50):
I'm not going to wait.
Renee Richel (09:51):
Well, in our practice, all day long, we
always tell her if somebodydoesn't appreciate and respect
your morals, values and beliefs,then there's somebody else that
God has designed for you right,so it is important that you say
that early on.
We always say set boundariesand just make sure that you're
with somebody.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (10:08):
That also is intentional and believes that
right exactly, and so, and, andI always want to say that
another piece with that is prayabout it, pray to god ask what
is the middle ground for me,what do you have from?
what is my design?
And ask for forgiveness if youfeel like you've swayed one way
(10:28):
or another, because God has somuch grace and forgiveness that
he grants.
So, remembering that there isno one way and it doesn't have
to be extreme.
It's about asking forforgiveness through prayer and
then honestly saying what's goodfor me and being comfortable
declaring those boundaries withsomeone else and then living a
(10:49):
different way to not continuethat path right too.
Renee Richel (10:52):
So how do you deal with clients that kind of go
through?
What I would say is that guiltand shame from maybe you know
past sexual experiences thatthey have a hard time now going
into a new relationship beingthis way.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (11:06):
Good question.
Guilt and shame are strong andvery, very common emotions that
we all do.
First I would say to thoseclients is you're not alone, we
are not.
We all sin, we all do things,maybe cross boundaries that we
now know later on that we regret.
(11:28):
So I know it sounds soelementary, but it's so
important for someone to realizethat you are not alone in this.
We all do it.
So when we know we all do it,there allows some sense of peace
.
I can take that burden off meand then, of course, again go
(11:49):
back into prayer and ask forstrength and forgiveness from
God.
Renee Richel (11:54):
I love that.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (11:54):
So we do that and we look to the present.
Then, once we've done that,once we've done those two major
components, it's about now, hereI am and I want to move forward
in a certain way, am and I wantto move forward in a certain
way.
So it's setting the goals foryourself and sticking with them
and not feeling like I have tolook back, right back to the
(12:16):
present, because the past isgone and you've asked for
forgiveness and now it's allabout what you're going to do,
moving forward.
Renee Richel (12:23):
Right, Great advice, Absolutely.
When we talk about likepractical steps and setting
boundaries in dating, you knowsetting physical boundaries can
be difficult, especially when itcomes to the emotional
attraction, like you said.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (12:37):
Yes that chemistry is strong.
Renee Richel (12:39):
How would you advise you know singles early on
to be having thoseconversations, so that they
don't have to be in thosetemptation moments?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (12:51):
Yes, great question.
I think we all have been thereat one time or another.
So I would say I mean there'stwo components to this question,
if I may.
The first is, again, knowingyourself, being aware of what
your boundaries are.
It's so often that we look toother people oh, that's their
(13:13):
boundaries, or that's someoneelse's boundaries on TV, which
can be boundaryless and then theconfusion sets in.
So once again coming back toself, being aware of what feels
right with me, being aware ofwhat feels right with me.
If you don't know what that is,look to some of spiritual
mentors or those in yourcommunity that follow the same,
(13:36):
have the same like-mindedbeliefs and values that you have
, and then get firm on it and becomfortable saying to your
partner early on, earlier thanlater.
Having that is a crucialconversation and I know it can
be awkward and it feels likethere's fear, like if I say this
, they're not going to want tobe with me.
(13:56):
But remember that, as you said,if that person doesn't receive
it well, then they are not theone that God has a plan for you
to be with.
So it's about honoring yourself, knowing your values, knowing
your boundaries and expressingit early on.
Now, let's face it, we tend tochange.
(14:17):
No one stays the same.
We are ever evolving.
So what might be early on inyour relationship, for instance,
if you're not comfortable withmore than holding hands or a hug
, you express that in thebeginning but later, as you move
deeper into the relationshipand you have more trust and
respect with one another, thenyou can have that conversation
(14:39):
again.
And what I would say really thesecond part, is once you have
that conversation and you knowyour boundaries and you stick
with it.
Let's say your partner hasstricter boundaries.
Let's say they're notcomfortable even holding your
hand because they know that'sgoing to lead to something else
the stricter, the boundary wins.
So it's really about right.
(15:01):
So, whoever someone, maybe weassume that our values, our
boundaries are someone else'sand we don't want to have that
assumption.
We want to know ours, expressours clearly, stick with it and
have our partner tell us whattheirs are.
And, as I say, if yours ortheirs, whoever, has the
stronger boundaries, we have tohonor them.
Renee Richel (15:23):
And if they're not willing to honor it, then move
on yeah, and I love the wordhonor, as you're saying that,
because in a marriage, in arelationship, that's what it is
all about is love and respectright, and if we're not
respecting that early on, injust even the single stage of it
, how is it going to be thensomeday?
In a marriage, too, we have topractice what we preach.
Right Is a big part of it too,so I love that.
(15:45):
So what about, like overcomingchallenges and staying committed
to purity?
One question is if someonecrosses a boundary they didn't
intend to, how can they bounceback spiritually and emotionally
, which you kind of talked aboutwas being prayerful and
forgiveness, and intentionalright.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (16:03):
Yes, that's always first, and the second is
to again to remember we arehuman, being human as far as I
know, there's only one personthat has lived a life without
sin and thank goodness he didand he forgives us through his
sacrifice.
We are always forgiven.
We will always be forgiven,moving forward.
(16:25):
So when you cross a boundaryand you've been prayerful and
you ask for forgiveness, thenit's about okay, how can I
asking yourself, how can I dothings to feel good about myself
again?
So, maybe that's.
We've already talked aboutprayer.
Maybe there's meditation, maybeexercise, spending time alone,
(16:47):
feeling like reading scriptureagain, surrounding yourself with
like-minded people in yourcommunity.
There's so many ways and eachperson needs to look at what
fills their cup, what's going torefill yourself, because it's
not about continuallysacrificing and punishing
oneself, because then we knowyou're going to sin again, right
(17:08):
?
So once we start feeling betterabout ourselves and we realize
we're back on that bike andwe're riding again.
That's what we want to do iswhat's going to get us back on
that?
Renee Richel (17:18):
bike Right.
Keeping your mind, body, spiritand energy active in other
areas right too, fuels thatintention to stay in your values
too, so let's talk aboutkeeping Christ at the center of
relationships.
So, as you, I'm sure, work withcouples as well as singles too.
(17:38):
How can engaged couples preparefor a healthy, God-honoring sex
life in marriage whilemaintaining boundaries before
marriage?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (17:49):
Great question.
It's not easy.
I'm going to start with that,right?
Okay, Again, it goes back tothe conversations.
It goes back to rememberingwhen we talked about sex and
intimacy, remembering thatintimacy and sex are separate.
They don't always have to be,but when we're talking about
(18:11):
keeping marriage, sex within theconfines of marriage and not
having sex prior to marriageeven though you're engaged and
you're committed to one another,I would say go back to the
basics, go back to deepeningyour emotional and spiritual
connections.
So it's, sex is wonderful andit's going to be wonderful when
(18:35):
you're married and it's one ofthose gifts that God has given
to us.
However, what we want to do andI think God wants us to really
respect and get to know oneanother and go together and go
to church, read scripturetogether, make a wonderful
community of friends that arelike-minded together, spend time
(18:57):
doing things that build thattrust and that connection
emotionally.
Renee Richel (19:02):
Yeah, that solid foundation to build off of right
.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (19:05):
Solid foundation, because and then I
also say because I have hadclients that say, okay, so how
do we transition from no sex, notalk about it, and then
suddenly we're married and itdoesn't always.
It's not always seamless, right?
So I encourage couples that areengaged to talk about what sex
(19:27):
means to them and what theyexpect once they get married, so
it's not just a shock that youdon't go from one to the other.
Let's have this bridge thattakes you so when.
Oh well, this would besomething that would be
wonderful for me.
This is what I envision with abeautiful sex life.
You know, talk about thesethings.
(19:48):
So it's such a wonderful thingthat you're just going to
seamlessly move into that.
Renee Richel (19:52):
Right, and everybody does have different
expectations when it comes tothat, as some of our married
couples and things like thatthat either we'll send to you or
just in general talk aboutthese things while they're in
waiting, right?
Because I mean somebody couldhave these wild fantasies when
you're married, right?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (20:09):
or someone could nod and like just
different, all right, and wedon't want to like it more.
Some like it, like all thesethings nobody thinks about and
talks about until then they'remarried and they wonder why it
doesn't work right exactly,don't prepare.
So I would say this is abeautiful time for preparation.
I also think, and you know, youcould go the pastor when you
have premarital counseling.
(20:30):
They talk about these things,but I encourage that kind of
conversation.
Now, sometimes thatconversation can get heated in a
passionate way.
So I also encourage you to beproactive and think about how do
I not put myself ourselves insituations where we may cross
boundaries, right?
So thinking about such whatcomes to my mind is if I'm
(21:02):
engaged, or when I was engagedway back when, I probably
wouldn't go to my fiance's houselate at night, I wouldn't stay
there past midnight alone,because then we're asking for
the temptation to get strong.
So why do we even put ourselvesin that?
So we do want to think aheadand set those boundaries Again.
You're doing that like youwould with dating, but maybe you
have to do it even morestrongly because you've gotten
to a place where you know eachother, you trust each other,
(21:23):
you're spending more timetogether.
So I say those boundaries haveto be followed even more
stringently.
Renee Richel (21:30):
A lot of the things that I know, I find and
you're the expert obviously inthis department is things go
back to maybe childhood of somesort.
Do you ever do a deeper dive tokind of help to figure out
where those temptations or thelack of, I would say, control or
boundaries come from?
Dr. Melissa Fenton (21:51):
As you know, in my doctorate in sexology I
work a lot with a whole range ofsexual concerns and oftentimes
with married couples.
If I may jump to that, ifthere's issues, if there are
issues with their intimacy andtheir sex lives, then when they
(22:13):
come to me we do an explorationand we do go back to when they
were sexualized.
How did they learn about sex?
Was it safe, was it healthy,was it deviant?
Because those help us uncoverwhat's going on internally, what
causes those temptations, thosedrives, those urges that may be
(22:34):
getting in the way of a healthyrelationship.
Renee Richel (22:36):
For those of you that are single, listening to
this thinking this doesn'tpertain to me because I'm not in
a relationship I do telleverybody all day long if you
want to be successfully married,learn these conversations now
so that when you do meet thatperson, you're prepared and
enriched what to do.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (22:56):
Awareness is key.
It always is, and I would saythat's always what I start with
After prayer.
We go to awareness, because ifwe're not aware of what's going
on, where the temptations are,then there's no way that we can
address it.
Renee Richel (23:12):
It's so true.
It's so true, and this is sucha powerful topic, when we look
at why relationships fail, and alot of it has to do with either
finance or sex or whatever, andit's because they didn't have
the preparatory questions I feellike prior, coming from the
period of singleness and waitingto be ready.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (23:32):
Look how far ahead someone would be if they
knew this Right.
None of us were taught thisstuff, right?
Renee Richel (23:37):
All we were taught is you go out, you meet
somebody, you have that feeling,that warm fuzzy, and then you
get married and nobody reallytalks about it.
It all works out.
That's called, like you know,the Disney fairy tale.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (23:48):
There's no reality through any of that and
it's not realistic because, as Isaid, we sin.
We don't intentionally sin allthe time, most of us do not but
we're learning.
We're humans and God knows thisabout us, and God is always
there to forgive and give us thestrength to work on being
better.
Renee Richel (24:05):
Yeah, and I love that you talk about, you know,
being intentional in prayer andpulling out your Bible.
And there's so many times whenthere's something on my mind or
I'm prayerfully praying for someof our clients or matches or
just people in general.
I'll be like, okay, lord, whatdo you want me to hear and I
love the Bible how it'll haveyou go to certain scripture that
gives you the answers you'reseeking in those moments and
(24:27):
it's like, let me stay strong inthat and that's where I need to
be in this moment in time too.
So in closing because I want toget like.
Your takeaway from all of thisis what would you share with the
listeners as a takeaway fromthis topic of conversation, to
remember.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (24:44):
There's so much.
I guess the takeaway for thelisteners that I hope that they
gather, and with them on theirjourney, is that, again, we're
all in this together.
The human condition is we'relearning, we're going to make
(25:04):
mistakes, we're going to fail,we're going to ask for
forgiveness.
So I want you to go away withhope.
Hope that it's okay, that youwill follow God's plan, is there
for you.
And each and every time westumble, if we remain hopeful
and we get up and we say youknow what, wait a minute, let me
(25:26):
go back to prayer, let me goback to the basics God's word,
and I know that he has a planfor me and I know that's so
simple but it's so powerful.
I know that's so simple, butit's so powerful, because if we
know that God has a plan for us,then we don't have to control
and worry and live in fear.
So my hope is that you leavethinking I don't have to fear.
(25:50):
Is there someone out there forme?
Am I going to find love?
Renee Richel (25:54):
Let that go and remember that God has a plan for
you, amen, and I'll neverforget my guardian angel, who is
now in heaven watching down.
It started and lit my torch ineverything that I do.
That was the one verse Jeremiah29: 11 NIV, that she left in my
implanted heart forever right,and it just it made such sense,
(26:14):
even though it was confusing.
It also gives you so much peace, so I absolutely love that.
So share with everybody how ourlisteners can connect with you
and get guidance when they needa resource.
Dr. Melissa Fenton (26:26):
As you had mentioned, I'm here in
Jacksonville, Jacksonville Beach.
They can get on.
They can either the websiteMind, body and Beyond Center or
they can look up online.
Melissa Fenton either Dr.
Melissa Fenton or MelissaFenton PhD.
Renee Richel (26:41):
Which I love, So we are definitely going to have
you back on and I would love tohave the listeners write in any
additional questions around thetopics that I feel you can do a
much deeper dive into forclarity and everything else.
So hopefully we'll have alibrary of more tips and tools
that are really beneficial andhelpful.
Hopefully, we'll have a libraryof more tips and tools that are
really beneficial and helpful.
So thank you so much for joiningus on today's topic that I feel
(27:02):
like so many seek and want toknow more on.
So we hope that you have foundthis valuable and beneficial to
share with others who arelooking for this answer and
seeking clarity, and, obviously,connect with Melissa at your
convenience as well as us, sothat we can have her on for more
chats around this topic andother things that she's so
(27:24):
knowledgeable.
In Next week, we are going totalk about Happy Valentine's Day
, which I cannot believe isalmost only a week away.
Next Thursday, February 13th, 1True Match is doing a 1 TRUE
SOCIAL (27:37):
Comedy Cupid Night.
So if you haven't alreadypurchased your tickets, please
go on, and any of our socialmedia will share with you how to
get a ticket.
This is for singles in.
I feel.
One of my biggest ideas that Idid forever ago was connecting
incredible Christian singlesright before Valentine's Day so
(27:58):
you can walk away with who knowswhat maybe a new friendship,
maybe somebody that you'll havethat you can go and have.
I don't know.
I say get dinner together orhave pizza and wine, or whatever
it is, to just celebrate havingnew friends and being in this
journey together.
You are never alone, as Melissasaid, and so we hope to see you
(28:18):
at that event.
We're going to love and leaveyou and hope you have a blessed
week Until next time.
It's been another great talk onthis episode of 1 True Talks by
Renee Richel.
I look forward to our next chat.
Please write in your questionsand comments so I can be sure to
(28:39):
talk about whatever it is youwant to discuss in our next
upcoming episode.
Lots of love, God Bless XOXO.
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.