Episode 20: Influencing Difficult People: Leadership Skills That Work | 12MinuteLeadership

Ever feel like you're speaking a different language with that one difficult team member? You're not alone. Leadership effectiveness hinges on our ability to influence across differences, yet most of us instinctively label challenging people rather than seeking to understand them.

In this practical episode, I unpack what truly makes someone "difficult" and why that label often masks a simpler truth: they're just different from us. Whether you're dealing with the perpetually negative team member, the change-resistant veteran, or the person who seems wired to challenge every decision, these relationships drain energy and stall progress—unless you have the right approach.

The breakthrough comes through three powerful strategies: shifting from judgment to curiosity, communicating in their language instead of yours, and setting boundaries with empathy. I walk through each technique with practical examples that you can implement immediately, connecting these approaches to the core strengths model and emotional intelligence framework we've explored in previous episodes. You'll discover how to decode the underlying motives driving difficult behavior, adapt your communication style to build bridges instead of walls, and protect your energy while maintaining respect.

What sets this approach apart is the reframe: difficult people become our greatest teachers in leadership when we approach them strategically. I share my own experiences of growth through challenging relationships and provide a simple framework for applying these insights to your most pressing relationship challenges. By the end of these twelve minutes, you'll have practical tools to transform your most difficult workplace relationships from energy drains to opportunities for mutual growth.

Ready to change the dynamic with that difficult person? Listen now, then share this episode with another leader who could benefit from these strategies. For deeper leadership development, pick up my book "Lead Anyone" on Amazon or visit eliseboggs.com to explore coaching and training options for you and your team.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker (00:02):
Welcome to the 12-Minute Leadership Podcast,
where in 12 minutes or less,I'll share small things that you
can put into immediate practicethat will make a big difference
in your leadershipeffectiveness.
I'm your host, Elise BoggsMorales, leadership professor,
consultant, and coach.
For the last 17 years, I havehelped thousands of leaders

(00:25):
level up their influence andachieve remarkable results.
If you want to trade compliancefor true commitment and create
your dream team, you are in theright place.
Get ready for a quick hit ofpractical wisdom to increase
your team's engagement, inspiretop performance, and retain your
best talent.
Ready to level up yourinfluence and get better

(00:46):
results?
12 minutes starts now.
Hi everyone, Elise here.
Welcome to episode 20.
In our last series, we focusedon the power of coaching.
Today, we're pivoting to achallenge that every leader
faces at some point, workingwith difficult people.

(01:07):
So what defines a difficultperson, and more importantly,
how do you increase yourinfluence with them instead of
letting the relationship drainyou or stall progress?
That's what we're diving intotoday.
So what defines a difficultperson?
First, let's get clear.
A difficult person isn'tdefined by their personality

(01:28):
type.
It's defined by patterns ofbehavior that create friction,
block collaboration, orundermine trust.
Maybe they're consistentlynegative or resistant to change,
defensive when given feedback,overly aggressive or conversely
disengaged and unresponsive, orsimply wired with motives,

(01:50):
values, or communication stylesthat clash with yours.
So here's the reframe.
Difficult often meansdifferent.
They have different priorities,fears, or ways of operating
than you do.
Once you recognize that, youcan move from frustration to
strategy.
Today I'm going to share threestrategies for increasing

(02:13):
influence with a difficultperson.
The first one is to tryshifting from judgment to
curiosity.
And I know this isn't easy, butwhen someone triggers you, it
can be automatic to slap on alabel such as lazy, stubborn, or
resistant.
But influence starts withcuriosity.
Ask yourself, what's drivingtheir behavior?

(02:33):
What might they value that I'moverlooking?
And this connects us back tothe core strengths model I
introduced to you in episode 12.
There are three primarymotives.
People-driven individuals wantto know how decisions impact
relationships and people.
Performance-driven individualscare about results and
efficiency.
And process-driven individualsvalue accuracy, details, and

(02:58):
getting things right.
That difficult person mightsimply be operating from a
different motive than you.
Curiosity helps you decode thatmotive and meet them where they
are.
Second, communicate in theirlanguage, not yours.
A common trap is communicatingin the way we like to receive

(03:18):
information.
But if you want influence, youmust flex.
For example, if you're adetail-oriented leader but your
colleague is performance-driven,don't bury them in data.
Start with the big picture andimpact.
If you're fast-paced andresults focused, but they're
process driven, slow down andgive them the details they need

(03:39):
to feel confident.
When leaders adapt theircommunication, they stop
clashing and start connecting.
Remember the principle from ourinfluence episode.
Customized communication winsbuy-in.
And finally, set boundarieswith empathy.
Being influential doesn't meanbending endlessly to
accommodate.

(03:59):
It means creating clarity whilestill honoring the
relationship.
This is where we circle back toJennifer's story from our

coaching series (04:06):
the control can't control exercise.
Difficult people often drain usbecause we try to control
what's not ours to manage.
Instead, set boundaries withempathy.
For example, I hear thisdeadline feels tight.
Here's what's possible withinthe timeline.
How can we prioritize together?

(04:27):
Or I value your perspective andI also need space to move this
forward.
Let's schedule a time to digdeeper.
Boundaries protect your energywhile signaling respect.
That combination buildsinfluence.
So let's recap today'sstrategies: curiosity,
customized communication, andempathetic boundaries.

(04:50):
They draw on the fourleadership skills we've explored
throughout this podcast.
Self-awareness, which isrecognizing your own triggers,
self-management, which isstaying calm instead of
reactive, social awareness,understanding what the other
person values, and relationshipmanagement, using empathy and
clarity to strengthen therelationship even when it's

(05:11):
hard.
When you put these together,difficult people become some of
your best teachers inleadership.
In my own experience, I havegrown the most from the people
most different than me.
It always required a certainlevel of intentionality and
effort to bridge the gaps.
And as a result, I became abetter communicator, problem

(05:32):
solver, and leader.
So in closing, here's yourtakeaway.
Think of one person you'velabeled as difficult.
And this week ask yourself,what might be driving their
behavior?
How can I adapt mycommunication to their style?
And where do I need to set aclear boundary with empathy?
You may not change the person,but you can absolutely change

(05:54):
the dynamic.
And often that shift is enoughto transform the relationship.
I hope you enjoyed today'sepisode.
If you found this episodehelpful, share it with another
leader who needs some strategiesfor working with a difficult
person.
I'll see you next time.
Like what you heard on today'sepisode and want to go deeper?

(06:16):
Subscribe to this podcast soyou never miss an episode.
You can also pick up my book,Lead Anyone, on Amazon.
Then, go to my website to checkout ways that we can support
your leadership goals.
From executive retreats tocustomized training and
coaching, my team of expertswill help you level up your
leadership and accelerate yourresults.

(06:38):
Go to www.eliseboggs.com formore info.