Episode 22: 3 Things That Make Difficult Conversations Easier | 12MinuteLeadership

In this episode, I break down how to make tough conversations easier by building trust, adapting to conflict styles, and using simple frameworks that keep feedback factual and fair. I also share practical phrases, a clear prep checklist, and a reframe that turns calling out into calling up. Here are the key takeaways:

• building relational equity to create trust for hard talks
• reading conflict styles: accommodate, assert, analyze
• adapting tone, pacing, and content to their motive
• preparing with clarity, composure, compassion, and curiosity
• using the SBI framework: situation, behavior, impact
• pairing facts with empathy to reduce defensiveness
• calling up versus calling out to inspire growth
• recap and a reflection prompt to start your next conversation

If you found this episode helpful, share it with another leader who's facing a tough conversation this week. Subscribe to this podcast so you never miss an episode.
You can also pick up my book, Lead Anyone, on Amazon
Then go to www.eliseboggs.com for more info

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Order my book, Lead Anyone!

Episode Transcript

Speaker (00:02):
Welcome to the 12-Minute Leadership Podcast,
where in 12 minutes or less,I'll share small things that you
can put into immediate practicethat will make a big difference
in your leadershipeffectiveness.
I'm your host, Elise BoggsMorales, leadership professor,
consultant, and coach.
For the last 17 years, I havehelped thousands of leaders

(00:25):
level up their influence andachieve remarkable results.
If you want to trade compliancefor true commitment and create
your dream team, you are in theright place.
Get ready for a quick hit ofpractical wisdom to increase
your team's engagement, inspiretop performance, and retain your
best talent.
Ready to level up yourinfluence and get better

(00:46):
results?
12 minutes starts now.
Hi everyone, Elise here.
Welcome to episode 22.
In this series, we've beendiving into the sometimes
difficult side of leadership,working with difficult people,
recognizing qualities inourselves that make it difficult

(01:07):
to lead.
And today, we're taking on oneof the most common and
uncomfortable challenges,difficult conversations.
Every leader has them, whetherit's giving tough feedback,
addressing conflict between teammembers, or delivering
disappointing news.
These moments test yourcomposure, your clarity, and
your compassion.

(01:28):
But here's the good newsdifficult conversations don't
have to be something you dread.
With the right preparation andmindset, they can actually build
trust and strengthenrelationships.
So today we'll explore threethings that make difficult
conversations easier.
And I'll also introduce you toone of my favorite frameworks

(01:48):
for clarity.
But first, a quick caveat.
There will be people on yourteam and within your
organizations that no matter howmuch you try to create
alignment or navigateconversations productively, will
respond in ways that preventprogress and resolution.
I don't have a name for thesepeople, but they are people that

(02:08):
can't and won't be led despiteyour best attempts.
These people are a topic foranother episode.
Today's episode is fornavigating difficult
conversations with people thatcan be receptive with the right
approach.
So before we get into the how,let's ground ourselves in the
what.
Here are some examples of thedifficult conversations leaders

(02:29):
face regularly.
Addressing underperformance orbehavioral issues, handling
conflict between two teammembers, giving feedback to a
high performer who's starting tolose alignment.
Talking about burnout,workload, or capacity
challenges, delivering decisionspeople won't like, such as

(02:49):
restructuring, budget cuts, orpromotions that didn't go their
way.
These moments matter becausethey reveal the real culture of
your leadership.
How you navigate themdetermines whether people leave
the conversation feelingdefensive or respected.
When people feel respected,they're much more likely to
engage, to perform, and stickaround.

(03:11):
So here's tip number one formaking difficult conversations
easier.
Build relational equity beforeyou need it.
The easiest way to makedifficult conversations easier
is to invest in the relationshipbefore conflict happens.
When people trust yourintentions, they can hear your
feedback.

(03:31):
When they don't, even the mostthoughtful message can sound
like criticism.
Relational equity comes fromthe small, consistent deposits
you make over time, showingappreciation, checking in
personally, listening well, andfollowing through on your word.
When leaders skip this step,every tough conversation becomes

(03:52):
a withdrawal from an accountthat's already empty.
So before you deliver hardtruth, ask yourself, have I
built enough trust for thisfeedback to land well?
Tip number two, know how theyapproach conflict.
Not everyone handles tensionthe same way.
This is where the corestrengths framework can make all
the difference.

(04:12):
If this is your first timehearing about core strengths, go
back to my read the room seriesstarting in episode 12.
Even if you haven't heard aboutcore strengths, I'll catch you
up.
There are typically three waysthat people are motivated in
conflict.
They accommodate, they assert,or they analyze.
Those who accommodate areharmony seeking.

(04:35):
They want to minimizeconfrontation and discomfort,
ensuring everyone is heard, andthey want to accommodate others
so that resolution can happen ina non-threatening way.
Those who assert in conflictare outcome seeking.
They want to address thingsright away and rise to the
challenge being offered.
They meet conflict head-on andtend to feel energized and have

(04:59):
a sense of certainty about whatneeds to be done.
They want others to respondwith action.
And those who analyze first inconflict want to be cautious.
They often want to disengagefrom the tension and carefully
examine the situation.
They want to gather the factsand create rational,
well-thought-out solutions thatare fair and unbiased.

(05:22):
So to quickly summarize, thosewho accommodate in conflict
value harmony and connection.
Those who assert in conflictvalue results and control.
And those who analyze inconflict value accuracy and
fairness.
You might just take a minute tothink about which one are you?
And are you coming at conflictin a way that is more of a

(05:44):
reflection of your preferencethan how the person may receive
it.
So understanding how someonetends to approach conflict will
help you customize yourconversation.
For example, if you're talkingto someone who accommodates,
soften your approach, affirm therelationship first, then get to
the issue.
If they assert, be direct andefficient, get to the point

(06:07):
quickly and focus on outcomes.
And if they analyze, slow down,provide data, examples, and
logic, they may even need timeto go away and come back.
When you adapt your approach totheir motive, you reduce
defensiveness and increaseinfluence.
And tip number three for makingdifficult conversations easier

(06:31):
is to prepare well and use aframework for delivering
feedback.
It's so easy to just shoot fromthe hip, but preparing ahead of
time is going to get you abetter result.
So let's bring it all together.
Once the relationship is thereand you've thought about how
they handle conflict, it's timeto have the conversation.
There are three questions thatyou can ask yourself to prepare

(06:52):
well for that difficultconversation.
They all start with C.
The first is clarity.
What is the purpose of thisconversation?
Then composure.
What emotion do I need tomanage in myself?
This is the EQ or emotionalintelligence piece.
And then finally, compassion orempathy.
What does this person need tohear and feel to move forward?

(07:15):
And there's one more C for you.
Curiosity.
It opens the door anddefensiveness closes it.
When you ask versus assume, youcan stop defensiveness from
being a dynamic in theconversation.
So examples of curiosity couldbe help me understand what's
been challenging for you, orwhat support would help you be

(07:37):
successful.
Finally, use a framework.
One that I like to use, andmany of my clients use is the
SBI framework.
I know I'm giving you a lot ofacronyms today.
They may be tricky to remember,but if you jot them down,
they'll actually make yourconversations easier.
So the SBI framework.
The first part of the S issituation.

(07:57):
Identify when and where thebehavior occurred.
B is for behavior.
Describe what you observed, notwho they are.
Don't assume intentions.
And finally, impact.
Explain the result orconsequence of that behavior.
So here's an example.
In yesterday's client meeting,situation, when you interrupted

(08:18):
Sarah while she was presenting,behavior, it created confusion
for the client and made itharder for the team to stay
aligned.
Impact.
This keeps feedback factual,not personal.
And if you pair SBI with someempathy, you might add, I know
your intention was to clarifythe point for the client, but
here's how it came across.

(08:40):
And finally, here's a littlebonus tip for you.
What I like to call calling upversus calling out anytime
you're having one of thedifficult conversations we've
talked about.
When leaders call out behavior,the goal is often correction
through criticism.
It might fix a problem in theshort term, but it usually
leaves a residue of shame orresentment.

(09:01):
Calling up, on the other hand,is about inviting someone to
rise to a higher standard.
It communicates, I see yourpotential and I know you can do
better.
You're still clear about whatneeds to change, but the
motivation behind it isdevelopmental, not punitive.
When feedback feels like a callup rather than a call out,

(09:21):
people don't just listen, theygrow.
That's the heart of leadership,balancing truth and care so
that people feel both challengedand valued.
So let's recap the three thingsthat make difficult
conversations easier.
Number one, build relationalequity before you need it.
It creates a foundation oftrust.

(09:41):
Two, know how the other personapproaches conflict.
Do they assert, accommodate, oranalyze?
Customize your tone and pacingaccordingly.
And three, prepare well with athree C's and use a framework
like SBI for deliveringfeedback.
And remember our bonus tip tocall people up, not out.

(10:02):
When you do these three things,difficult conversations don't
have to be dreaded moments.
They can become definingmoments of trust and growth,
both for you and those you lead.
So here's your reflectionquestion for this week.
What conversation have you beenavoiding, and which of these
three strategies could make iteasier to start?

(10:23):
Remember, clarity createssafety, empathy and compassion
create connection, andpreparation creates confidence.
I hope you enjoyed today'sepisode.
If you found this episodehelpful, share it with another
leader who's facing a toughconversation this week.
I'll see you next time.
Like what you heard on today'sepisode and want to go deeper?

(10:48):
Subscribe to this podcast soyou never miss an episode.
You can also pick up my book,Lead Anyone, on Amazon.
Then go to my website to checkout ways that we can support
your leadership goals.
From executive retreats tocustomized training and
coaching, my team of expertswill help you level up your
leadership and accelerate yourresults.

(11:10):
Go to www.eliseboggs.com formore info.