Breaking the Cycle: How Avoidant Attachment Creates Distance in Love and Fatherhood

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Avoidant attachment looks like independence and strength on the surface—but in relationships, it creates walls that push loved ones away. In this episode of 15 Minutes with Dad, host Lirec Williams dives into how avoidance develops, often from childhood homes shaped by trauma, silence, addiction, or harsh discipline.

Discover how avoidance shows up in modern fatherhood—dads who are physically present but emotionally absent—and in partnerships, where the anxious-avoidant cycle leads to conflict, silence, and disconnection. With honest reflection and practical tools, you’ll learn how to stay present in conflict, rebuild intimacy, and model emotional healing for your children.

This episode offers fathers and partners the roadmap to break generational cycles, reclaim emotional intimacy, and create a legacy rooted in connection, not distance.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to this special series of 15 Minutes
with Dad.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,and today we're going to talk
about a pattern that shows up inso many fathers, husbands and
partners, sometimes without useven realizing it.
It's called avoidant attachment.
This episode is called Breakingthe Cycle how Avoidant

(00:22):
Attachments Create Distance inLove and Fatherhood.
We'll explore what avoidantattachment looks like in
everyday life, why so many menlearned avoidance as their
survival strategy, the impact ofavoidance and what it has on a
marriage, co-parenting and kids,and how to begin breaking the
cycle so you can build realconnections.

(00:43):
And how to begin breaking thecycle so you can build real
connections.
This episode is for the manwho's ever heard you don't open
up, you don't talk to me, you'redistant.
It's for the father who'spresent in the room but feels
miles away.
And it's for every man whowants to love fully but keeps

(01:05):
pulling back when it mattersmost.
Before we get started, if youhaven't listened to our last
episodes or the last coupleepisodes, make sure that you go
back and check out theattachment mirror how childhood
scripts shape men, fathers andpartners, so you can really have
at least a basis of where I'mgoing with this episode when I'm
talking about the attachment orthe avoidant attachment.

(01:28):
So avoidant attachment doesn'talways look like a problem on
the surface.
In fact, some people admire it.
It looks like independence,strength and self-sufficiency.
But here's how it plays out.
And self-sufficiency, buthere's how it plays out.
You shut down when your partnerwants to talk about their

(01:49):
feelings, or you distanceyourself when things get too
close.
You pride yourselves on notneeding anyone.
You avoid conflict by goingsilent, walking out or staying
emotionally unavailable.
And when your kids cry, youtell them to shake it off, not
because you don't care, butbecause emotions feel

(02:09):
overwhelming.
Sounds familiar.
That's avoidant attachment atwork.
It's not that you don't lovedeeply, it's that love feels
dangerous.
Closeness feels like losingcontrol, so you build walls to
stay safe.
Selflessness feels like losingcontrol, so you build walls to
stay safe.
Most men didn't choose avoidance.

(02:30):
It was chosen for us by thehomes we grew up in.
And if you grew up with parents, if your parents are from the
50s, 60s, 70s and 80s, you knowwhat I'm talking about.
And if you grew up in the 80s,slash 90s to early 2000s,
fathers were providers and notnurturers.
Mothers were expected to carrythe emotional weight.

(02:51):
Mental health wasn't discussed.
Addiction, depression, bipolardisorder.
Disorders were hidden and nothealed.
Love was conditional, based onobedience, achievement or
silence and discipline, oftenphysical belts, switches and
backhands those things werenormal for us.

(03:12):
So what did boys learn?
We learned that emotions areunsafe, vulnerability invites
punishment or rejection and theonly way to survive is to shut
down, stay quiet and stay strong.
And the only way to survive isto shut down, stay quiet and
stay strong.
And when you involve addictionand all these other
environmental, cultural,socioeconomic aspects, it can

(03:34):
get even more complex.
But that's why so many men walkinto adulthood emotionally
guarded, inept or emotionallyunavailable.
We learned avoidance as asurvival skill and survival
turned into our identity.
Avoidance doesn't just protectyou, it pushes others away.

(03:55):
Like as a husband or boyfriend,you can't protect yourself.
It shows up in different ways.
So your partner says somethinglike we need to talk.
You may instantly feel attackedand you may shut down.
They might say I don't feelclose to you and you hear or
think like I'm right here, likewhat more do you even want?

(04:18):
Like I'm right here.
Or they ask for reassurance.
You think it's weakness, so youdismiss it.
Or conflict arises and insteadof leaning in, you go cold or
you go silent.
Over time, your partner feelsinvisible, unloved, alone in the

(04:39):
relationship.
Here's the tragedy.
Your avoidance confirms theirfears.
If they're anxious, they pushharder, which makes you withdraw
further, and the cycle repeatsuntil intimacy.
Intimacy feels absolutelyimpossible and for men this

(05:00):
often feels unfair because deepdown, you love your partner.
You want closeness, but thescript you inherited keeps
whispering closeness is unsafe.
Protect yourself.
Don't let them in too far, youknow.
And avoidance doesn't protectrelationships.

(05:20):
It slowly suffocates them.
It slowly suffocates them.
But now let's talk about thekids.
When fathers are avoidant,children can experience a dad
who's physically there butemotionally unavailable,
Affection that feelsinconsistent or missing

(05:40):
altogether.
Or they may feel love tied toperformance.
I'm proud of you when you win,but I don't know what to do when
you cry.
You know like silence insteadof safety during emotional
moments.
And here's the heartbreakingpart.
Kids internalize that distance.

(06:01):
Daughters may grow up believingthey have to earn love.
Sons may grow up thinkingmasculinity means emotional
detachment.
And this is how generationalcycles continue.
The same avoidance thatprotected you as a child becomes
the wound you pass down to yourchildren and unless you break
it, it becomes their script too.

(06:24):
So how do you break the cycle ofavoidance.
How do you move from shuttingdown to showing up?
I'll give five practical tips,and I've learned this either
from my therapist or researchmyself.
The first step is awareness.
Notice when you're pulling away.
So the next time you feel theurge to shut down in conflict,

(06:49):
pause, name it and check in withyourself.
Tell yourself I feel myselfpulling away right now.
Awareness creates a choice.
The second is communicate, evenbriefly.
If you need space, even briefly.
If you need space, say so, butwith clarity.

(07:16):
Say I need 15 minutes to calmdown or 10 minutes to calm down,
but I'm not leaving theconversation.
You can build trust that way,and I mentioned this in the past
episode as well.
But you need to practiceemotional presence and with your
kids don't always rush to fixjust because they're crying
Sometimes.
Just sit with them, put yourarms around them and say I'm

(07:41):
here, I see you, I love you,we're going to get through this.
Presence matters more thansolutions.
The fourth is rebuild trustthrough small repairs.
When you withdrawn, come back,circle back and tell your
partner or your child come back,circle back and tell your

(08:03):
partner or your child look, I'msorry I shut down earlier.
Look, I want to do better andyou have to actually go.
Try to do better.
Don't just say these words.
Try to actually do better.
Every repair strengthensconnection, and the last one I'm
going to leave you with is youhave to get comfortable with

(08:24):
being vulnerable.
Start small, share one feelingper day with your partner or
kids, and it doesn't have to bedeep.
It could be I felt stress atwork, you know or something as
simple as that.
Vulnerability is like a musclethe more you use it, the

(08:44):
stronger it gets.
Breaking avoidance doesn't meanbecoming someone else.
It means becoming your wholeself the father, the husband,
the man who can love withcourage and not fear fear.

(09:09):
And this is something that I've.
I'm learning, I've learned andI am still learning to navigate,
even right today, like I spokeabout in the previous episode,
like I've been the guy who shutsdown instead of leaning in.
I've wanted to protect myselfand keep myself from being hurt
and trying to avoid givingsomeone the power to hurt me

(09:33):
again.
And what I've learned is thatbeing able to have a vocabulary
about your emotions helps thosearound you be able to identify
those emotions and notinternalize them, the more that
you withdraw and keep fromexpressing in your relationships

(09:54):
with your kids or your familyor your loved one, the more
likely they are to distancethemselves from you and
internalize it and then inferhow you might be feeling or what
you may be thinking.
But you have the power to haveinput on the narrative of how
you feel.
But when you don't input on thenarrative, there is a judgment

(10:17):
call coming from the people thatlove you for them to avoid
being hurt by you as well.
And I know that when I startedtalking about my emotions more
freely, regardless on how itmade anybody feel, it allowed me
to navigate my emotions easier.
It allowed my family to dealwith how I'm feeling easier and

(10:41):
it helped me overcome thosefeelings a lot quicker, because
I said what I felt and what, andit may have been wrong.
It may not have been in on goodinformation, I may have been
misinterpreting.
There's different ways thatI've felt things.
Different times I felt thingsthat were probably out of line,
but it was.
We were able to work through itand talk through it in those

(11:03):
moments.
But I stopped letting it run mylife.
My relationships with my kidand my partner felt safer at
times With the kids.
It felt safer With my partner.
There was other things that wehad to work on, but the old
script doesn't disappearovernight.
It's an ongoing thing.

(11:24):
So avoidant attachment may havebeen your survival skill, but
it doesn't have to be yourlegacy.
So just to recap what we'vetalked about today avoidance
looks like independence, butit's really fear.
It distances your partner andleaves children feeling unseen,

(11:50):
and it's almost always theproduct of the home we grew up
in.
But you are not bound to thatscript.
You can break it.
You can build connection wherethere's been distance.
You can give your kids and yourpartner what your parents
couldn't give you and I know wesay this statement all the time.
I've wanted to give you thelife that I never had.

(12:12):
This is where it starts.
It's not the money, it's notthe things, it's here.
Give your kids and your partnerthe connection that they need
to to work through and navigatelife.
Revise their script.
So here's your challenge thisweek the next time you feel

(12:33):
yourself shutting down, take apause.
Stay present, even if it'suncomfortable, even if all you
say is I need a moment, but I'mnot leaving.
That one choice will startrewriting your script and that
script will change everythingfor your partner, for your kids

(12:53):
and for the man you are becoming.
So next week we'll getpractical.
We're going to talk about loveskills 101, learning the tools
men were never taught.
Make sure you subscribe to 15Minutes with Dad, follow us on
all social media platforms at 15Minutes with Dad and let's keep
doing this work together,because your presence is most

(13:16):
powerful gift you can give.