The Death of the Martyr Dad: Why Sacrifice Isn’t the Same as Love

Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (01:21):
Hey brothers, thank you for being here with me
today.
Whether you're in the UnitedStates, whether you're in
Mexico, Canada, Europe, Easternor Western Europe, or any other
country that this podcastreaches.
Thank you for being listenersand thank you for being here
with me today.
Today, we're going to go deep.

(01:42):
We're going to talk about apattern that many men fall into,
and sometimes without knowingit: the martyr dad.
The idea that being a fathermeans nothing but sacrifice and
always doing more, alwaysreceiving less, and waiting for
an I love you or a thank you 40years down the road.

(02:03):
But what if that story isbroken?
What if it's costing more thanit's giving?
That's what we'll explore todayand through the rest of this
series.
Calling this series the AlignedFather, redefining manhood,
love, and legacy.
And in this episode, we're goingto understand why sacrifice

(02:25):
isn't always the same as love.
Let's tap in.
When I say the martyr dad, whatI mean is a father who defines
his value by his sacrifice.
You work late, you miss games,you skip rest, you put your
dreams on hold.

(02:46):
You think you're doing whatfathers should do.
But there's also a flip side.
Because research shows thatsacrifice without healthy
boundaries can lead to burnout,resentment, and emotional
disconnect.
A good example from a medicalnews today article on the martyr
complex defines how sacrificingone's own need repeatedly can

(03:11):
erode well-being andrelationships.
And there's this other ineditor's piece in the New
Republic that says parentinggrounded in sacrifice alone may
make children feel they causetheir parents' life to become
harder.
In other words, the idea ofsacrifice as love can backfire.

(03:37):
So if you're listening andthinking, man, I do so much for
my family, and they don't evenact grateful, you're not alone.
But you might be paying a highprice for being the martyr.
So let's talk about why thispattern shows up in men.
Why are so many men drawn intothis martyr role?

(03:58):
It starts with culturalmessaging.
So be the provider, protect atall cost, don't show weakness.
These narratives push men intodoing rather than being.
Then there's the stress.
There's one article, TheInvisible Burden, Understanding

(04:19):
the Stress of Fathers.
It highlights how many dads feelpressure to provide financially,
emotionally, and physically, andthereby neglect their own needs.
And finally, there's theidentity.
If your identity is wrapped upin sacrifice, being the one who

(04:40):
gives everything, you mightbelieve that letting yourself
enjoy rest or ask for love isselfish.

But here's the truth: sacrificing your joy and (04:49):
undefined
neglecting your emotionalpresence isn't the same as
loving your kids.
In fact, a father's health andinvolvement matter not just for
the child, they matter for thefather too.
For example, research showsfatherhood impacts men's health

(05:15):
and physical health.
We basically live longer.
And when we subscribe tomartyrdom, we erode our capacity
to lead well, connect deeply,and love fully.
Now let's unpack some commonpatterns that many dads mistake

(05:35):
for love, but might actually bebuilding distance.
Number one, missing today fortomorrow's payoff.
You skip moments now thinkingyou're investing in their
future.
But relationship trust is builtin the moment, not the promises.

(05:55):
So when you have a moment tospend with your child or show up
for your child, show up.
In some cases, you have to go tothat, you have to go to job, you
have to go to that work thatthat occupation you have.
But at some times, there may bea day you have to take PTO or

(06:17):
take UTO to be there for yourchild because at the end of the
day, believe it or not, theydon't care about the money.
Yes, the money does give themopportunities to do the things
that they love to do.
But in some cases, if we'remaking minimum wage, it's the
juice worse to squeeze for real.

(06:39):
Is making$50 worth missing thismoment that your child is like
pouring into something that theylove to do?
That's the question for you.
That's not, I'm not giving you aquestion that I that I'm having
the answer to.
I'm just asking, giving youquestions to think about.
Number two, always giving andnever receiving.

(07:03):
When you believe your worth isin what you do, not who you are,
your emotional battery drains.
Some some of us.
And I was having a conversationwith somebody the other day
about birthday celebrations.
And they said, people won't knowhow to treat you unless you
treat yourself that way.

(07:24):
Or was more worded, like peoplewon't treat people will treat
you as best as you treatyourself.
So if on your birthday, most,and this is most of us, I
believe that most of us,somebody asks us, what do you
want for your birthday?
We'll be like, I don't know, ornothing, or you know, like
something of the sort.
And we'll end up getting a sock,a pair of socks, or a tie, or

(07:46):
you know, or a sweater.
And if we would just have justhave spoken up, or we actually
celebrate our birthdays in a bigway, it gives us space for
people to actually celebratewith us.
And that's just an example ofhow we tend to not set up a

(08:10):
space to receive.
It's not always just speakingup, but it's also how you treat
yourself.
Number three, this is a big one.
Silent suffering.
When you carry guilt and painquietly, your kids might assume
your unhappiness is their fault,or that emotion is weaknesses.

(08:32):
And your partner might alsothink that their unhappiness,
your unhappiness is their faultbecause you're not talking about
what's going on.
It could be just your day.
And I learned this quite earlyin my past relationship.
It was I was coming home and theenergy in the home was off.
And everybody was like, youknow, irritable or feeling down.

(08:56):
It was because I was coming homethat same way.
But when I started lettingpeople know, like, okay, I had a
I didn't have a good day, or andmost of my good days wasn't
because it was tough.
It was because I was overprocessing, imposter syndrome, a
lot of different other things,but I was suffering silently,
and I did not speak out to myfamily.

(09:16):
So it's important that you don'tcarry the get support, get
therapy, or whatever form ofsupport that you require in your
life.
Get that.
Your your mental health mattersfor the sake of your family,
your relationships, and anyrelationship you get in in the
future.

(09:37):
Number four, unspokenexpectations.
This is a big one.
A lot of us tend to kind of whatthey call it, it's a saying that
says, happy wife, happy life.
But we don't actually go insetting our own expectations.
And we expect them to know howto love us or how to treat us

(09:59):
because we are a man.
You should treat me like this,you should respect me like this,
you should do this, and youshould you, but there's other
places that we don't talk about,like, hey, this makes me feel
like you love me.
This makes me feel like you arepouring into our relationship.
This is my love language.
This is all, you know, like youdo a lot, but you want

(10:23):
gratitude, acknowledgement, andlove in return.
And when it doesn't come,resentment builds.
We start calling peopleungrateful.
We start calling our kids whenthey get older and adults that
you know they just miss themark.
They don't care about it, theyjust selfish and all we we kind
of generalize all these feelingsbecause we never actually spoke

(10:43):
our expectations out.
These don't feel wrong at first,they feel normal, but over time
they chip away at connection.
And here's how here's how yourchildren often experience it.
They feel loved for what you do,but not who you are.
They feel your absence even whenyou're present, and we don't

(11:07):
want that.
They were like, Well, that'sdad.
You know, that's just how dadis.
You know, he speaks his mind, heloves us, but he don't know how
to show it.
So, how do we redefine this forhealthy fatherhood?
It starts with aligningsacrifice with love, not

(11:28):
martyrdom.
So here are three clarifyingshifts from quantity to quality,
from giving everything to givingappropriately, from expecting
thanks to seeking connection.
So let's dive into from quality,from quantity to quality.

(11:49):
So instead of hours of work youcan't enjoy, choose moments of
presence you fully engage in.
If I'm when I'm spending timewith my kids, I'm looking them
in their eyes, laughing, I'mgoing into the imagination,
imaginary, mirror, imaginaryworld that they're creating, and

(12:09):
I'm fully present in it.
Whether it's my toddler or my17-year-old, I am in there and
we are going through their lifeand you know, laughing and
joking like once a year on mydaughter's birthday.
For sure, I am in whatever it isthat she likes.
We usually go to a concert ofsome sort.

(12:31):
And at this concert, I we dressup exactly whatever, even if I
don't know the artist, I spent amonth before the concert
learning about all the thingsabout that artist so that I can
be prepared and I can be presentand I can sing along with her at
these concerts.
Most of these artists I didn'tknow until that month.
Some of them I knew, but didn'treally dive into their music.

(12:55):
But I dive all the way in.
For my son, when we go to thepark and we're playing or we're
walking, we're taking a walk, helikes to be a Power Ranger
sometimes.
So I go into his Power Rangerspace and we're morphing the
whole walk.
Morphing and unmorphing, doingninja keys, all that good stuff.

(13:15):
Like I'm I'm all in.
From giving everything to givingappropriately, your role isn't
to pour from an empty cup.
Self-care isn't optional, it ismandatory.
I used to give, I usually givethis this scenario of like of
your of who you are.

(13:35):
You are like, think of yourselfas this vase and or this voss,
and you are sitting on top of asaucer or a little plate, and
your heart is the inside of thisvoss, and you're pouring water
into this voss, and that wateris representative of the love
that you that you that you have,that's available.

(13:58):
You're pouring this water.
I tell people that when you'repouring this water into your
voss, like in order for you,like the people, the saucer, the
plate under that voss iseverybody else outside of you.
You are the voss, everyone elseis that plate that's under the
vase.

(14:18):
The only way that you cannotpour water directly onto the
plate without pouring first intoyourself.
You have to overflow water intothis vase or love into this
vase, into yourself, so thatwater will spill over onto that
saucer or onto that plate.
And you cannot pour into anyoneelse from an empty vase.

(14:42):
Overflow your vase with love,loving yourself, showing
yourself, showing up foryourself in different ways,
providing yourself the thingsthat you need and not expecting
people to know what you need andto just keep you going like
you're like you're a car.
Oh, just get me an oil changeand I'll be good.
No, you're a vase, you'repouring into this vase and

(15:03):
you're overflowing love so thatall the love that you're able to
give on that saucer would beabundance and not a deficit.
If you take your Voss, you pickit up, and you like, let me just
pour out from the Voss and givelove.
That's what we're doing rightnow.
We're giving everything, but togive appropriate appropriately

(15:27):
means that you are overflowingyourself with love so that love
can flow into your family and tothe people that you want to give
that love to.
From expecting thanks to seekingconnection, love doesn't come
with an invoice.
Your children's emotional safetyand your partner's emotional
safety and growth are thereward.

(15:49):
This is supported by researcherslike Natasha Cabrera, who found
father involvement matters forchildren's emotional and
language development.
When your involvement comes froma place of being and not just
doing, you start modeling whatit means to love and be loved.

(16:10):
And you have to advocate forthat sometimes.
All right, brother, let's getpractical.
Here are five steps you canstart this week.
First thing, I want you to checkyour narrative.
What is what are you creatingout there?
Write down this sentence.
Being a good father means dotdot dot, fill in the blank.

(16:32):
Then cross out the words doingmore, earning more, giving more.
Replace with words like beingpresent, listening, and loving.
Just an example.
The second thing I want you todo is ask yourself, what am I
sacrificing?

(16:52):
Identify one to three thingsthat you've given up for the
family but makes you feel empty.
It could be a hobby, it could berest, it could be connection, it
could be a sport that you liketo do.
Maybe you like to golf.
Number three, I want you to seta boundary.

(17:16):
I want you to choose onesacrifice, you'll stop this
week.
Maybe you skip over time onenight.
Maybe you rest rather thanhustle.
Maybe you will pick up that golfclub or that baseball bat.
Number four, I want you to seekacknowledgement, not from your

(17:38):
kids or your partner, but fromyourself.
I want you to affirm toyourself, I am enough, I am
present, I love my children withmy whole heart, I love my spouse
or my partner with my wholeheart.
And then the last, I want you toconnect emotionally.

(18:01):
Ask your child, what's one thingI did this week that made you
feel seen by me?
And then sit back and listen.
And then share the one thingthat you want to feel loved for.

(18:21):
And when you do these things,you shift the martyr to mentor
from silent suffering toemotional leadership.
So, why is this important foryour family's future?
When you choose presence overmartyrdom, it changes

(18:42):
everything.
Your partner sees a man whovalues himself and the family,
not a martyr who resents hisrole.
Your kids see a father who isdependable, not just because he
shows up, but because heconnects.
Your legacy becomes one of loveand alignment, not exhaustion

(19:02):
and expectation.
And your own health gets achance.
Because continuing in the martyrpattern leads to the emotional
burnout, physical stress, andeven mental health decline.
This is generational healing,not just for your children, not
for your partner, not just foryour partner, but for you.

(19:24):
So here's your challenge thisweek.
Sit down with your journal orvoice voice memo, and I want you
to write or say things like thisI am more than what I do.
I am loved, I am present, I amenough.
These are affirmations.
Then I want you to pick onething you'll stop doing for a

(19:45):
week, and one thing you'llchoose instead that affirms your
presence.
When you choose you, you chooseyour family.
And that's that.
That's the death of the martyrdad.
That's the beginning of thealigned father.
I'm Lyric Williams, and this is15 Minutes with Dad.

(20:07):
Brother, I see you keep growing,keep aligning.
Your family will feel thedifference.

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The Death of the Martyr Dad: Why Sacrifice Isn’t the Same as Love

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