August 4, 2025 • 21 mins
In this powerful episode of 15 Minutes with Dad, host Lirec Williams explores how fathers shape their sons' emotional, mental, and masculine identities through presence—not performance.
Drawing from attachment theory, growth insights, and real-life fatherhood challenges, this episode unpacks how early father-son relationships impact everything from emotional regulation to identity formation and future relationships. Learn how insecure attachment and outdated views of masculinity can lead to emotional detachment, anger, or self-doubt—and how to break the cycle.
You’ll gain practical, evidence-based tools to build your son’s emotional resilience and model healthy masculinity in a world that desperately needs it.
🎯 What You'll Learn:
- The impact of early attachment on boys' development
- How father wounds and avoidant behaviors show up in adult men
- What modern, emotionally intelligent masculinity looks like
- 5 real strategies for raising sons with confidence, clarity, and compassion
Whether you're a new dad, a co-parent, or working through your own emotional healing, this episode offers a roadmap for building secure attachment, transforming your fatherhood identity, and leading your son into a future defined by emotional strength—not suppression.
Take the challenge: Lead your son this week with intention. Reflect out loud. Connect on purpose. Show him how a man loves, listens, and leads—with heart.
Stay Connected with 15 Minutes with Dad:
🌐 Website: Explore additional resources and updates on our healing journey at 15MinuteswithDad.com.
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Host
- Instagram: @ToldbyLirec
- Facebook: @ToldbyLirec
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to another episode of 15 Minutes
with Dad, the podcast where weexplore real fatherhood,
emotional presence and personalgrowth in action.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,a father of four, creative
leader and someone who's learnedthat the mirror our sons look
into every day is us.
Today's episode is called theFather's Son Mirror teaching
(00:22):
healthy manhood through presence.
This conversation is deep,personal and for some of us it's
uncomfortable, but it's one wecan't afford to avoid,
especially in a world wheremasculinity is often
misunderstood, misapplied orcompletely missing the mark.
We're going to talk about howsons form their identity by
watching their fathers, whatattachment theory teaches us
(00:45):
about the father-son dynamic,the difference between healthy
masculinity and performativemasculinity, and how to heal the
father wound by becoming theman your son needs.
Let's get into it.
Let's start with some facts.
I'm going to talk aboutattachment theory, so stay with
me at the beginning of this aswe dive into this very deep
(01:08):
topic.
Attachment theory, developed byJohn Baldby and expanded by
Mary Ainsworth, teaches us thatearly relationships shape how we
connect to others throughoutour life.
When it comes to sons andfathers, secure attachment in
early childhood leads us tobetter emotional regulation,
higher self-esteem, strongerrelationships in adulthood,
(01:32):
reduced anxiety and depressionand lower risk of violence,
substance abuse and emotionaldetachment.
Now, what creates secureattachments?
It's not perfection, it'sconsistency, responsiveness and
emotional safety.
Now, when fathers areemotionally distant, overly
(01:57):
critical or even absent, whetherphysically or emotionally, sons
often develop avoidantattachments, where boys grow up
emotionally walled off and hyperindependent.
Anxious attachment, where boysfeel they have to earn love or
avoid disapproval from theirsignificant other or people's
people in their lives.
Or worse, disorganizedattachments, which creates chaos
(02:20):
in relationships, identityconfusion and poor emotional
control.
This is how the father woundbegins and it doesn't just
impact boys.
It becomes the emotionalfoundation or dysfunction they
carry into manhood.
What does unhealthy masculinitylook like in men?
(02:44):
When an attachment is broken orthe message of manhood is
warped, we get what we often seetoday as men who have no
language for their emotions, menwho express anger but suppress
(03:07):
everything else, and men whomistake control for leadership,
silence for strength anddominance for respect.
Here's what the wrong messagessound like Toughen up, don't cry
, handle it yourself.
Real men, don't talk aboutfeelings, be the boss and never
back down.
And here's what that turns intoEmotionally distant men fathers
, husbands, workaholic providerswho can't connect at home with
(03:28):
their significant others ortheir kids or people in their
life, and men who fear intimacybut crave validation.
Dads who love their kids deeplybut don't know how to say it or
show it.
This isn't because we are badmen.
It's because many of us werenever shown how to be whole men.
(03:52):
And this is something that Istruggle with as well, and I've
struggled with over a huge chunkof my life of really trying to
navigate people andrelationships and women and all
these different things.
I didn't have my dad to reallyexplain things to me and I think
that if my dad was in my life,he probably wouldn't be able to
have explained it, because he'salso just not learning it.
(04:14):
And while struggling throughall of these things with
relationships with women andwith my kids, with relationships
with women and with my kids,there's often times where I put
my ego first or my pride firstto really navigate something.
Or at a point in time in mylife, just because I'm talking
louder than the other personmeans that I'm a little bit
(04:36):
dominant and the biggest part isthe validation part.
I avoid strong feelings thatpeople have towards me.
Well, I used to do this quiteoften, but I used to avoid these
intimate feelings and I wouldengage with semi-fixed
relationships with females wherethey committed.
(04:58):
They were committed but Iwasn't fully committed for one
reason or the other and I didn'ttell them.
But being with them gave mevalidation because they
expressed how good of a person Iam.
They expressed that I'm a goodman and this and that and the
other.
But I never felt it for myselfand I've talked on many
different episodes of pastrelationships.
That's gone terribly bad.
(05:19):
That could have been reallygreat relationships, but because
I was still developing as a manwhere I thought, just because I
could get into a relationship,that I was really ready for one.
And a lot of times, like when Igot into relationships, is
because I could serve a purposeand I felt that I can do things
for this person and they wouldlove me because of it, because
(05:41):
I'm capable, because I felt likegrowing up I was, you know,
weighing hand and feet for mygrandmother throughout her.
You know all of my life.
But you know, until, like thelast couple of years before she
passed, I spent my entire lifeof doing acts of service and
(06:02):
when I do it right, I gotapproval or I got love, or I got
, you know, a compliment or likeyou know, and that's like
making her food, cooking dinner,cleaning up for her, changing
out her bedpan, like literallybeing her care, her, her
provider, and and that's what Ithought love was and going into
(06:27):
my relationship, not really everquestioning my own attachment
styles.
I ended up in relationshipswhere I initially was of value
because I can do a thing, butthen, when it was time for me to
be intimate with this person, Ididn't really build that.
I didn't have that form ofintimacy because I was, I felt
(06:49):
all my value, like I felt I dideverything I was supposed to in
a relationship because I wasdoing everything that they
wanted me to do.
And for a lot of men that's thecase.
A lot of men don't know whytheir relationships fell because
they feel like they're doingeverything that this person
wants and they just don't.
This woman just can't getenough.
In reality, they either youknow it wasn't communicated
properly because they're goingthrough theirs or we aren't even
(07:12):
aware that this form ofrelationships exists, of how we
attach to people right, likejust because you're old enough
to have a relationship andyou've been in it a long time
doesn't mean you're doing itright.
I wasn't doing it right, and Ithink I'm still not doing it
right, because I'm stilllearning how my attachment style
affects the people that I loveand the people that I'm with,
(07:33):
even my daughter, like.
I'm learning how my attachmentstyle has affected her, how I
get anxious and I, and you know,anxiously avoiding like I avoid
those hard, crazy momentsbecause of how somebody else
might feel about them, or Inegate how I feel in order to
make sure people please and makesure that someone else feels
(07:54):
good and even if it breaks, evenif it goes against my
boundaries or something that Ihold dear, I'm still learning
that, as a 36 year old man, I'mstill learning that.
And so I say that to you guys,as this conversation is about
you're a father, son, but reallyit's about you, whether you're
(08:14):
a father or not, you know, andas you navigate your manhood and
navigate being a man ornavigate this world, as you know
, as a man, and you knowportraying your masculinity, how
do we do it in a healthy waythat you know keeps us grounded
and keeps us at bay, but alsohelps build the people around us
(08:35):
.
So let's flip it and talk aboutwhat healthy masculinity looks
like in fathers, like healthymasculinity is rooted is rooted
in presence, not performance.
It values truth over toughnessand connection over control.
(08:57):
Here's what it looks likeFathers who name and regulate
their emotions.
It's a big one.
Most fathers bottle things upuntil it overcomes them and they
don't know what to do and theyfeel like now they can't take it
anymore.
(09:17):
Now everybody got to hear whatthey got to say.
That is the wrong way to goabout it.
That's toxic guys.
Dads who admit when they'rewrong and apologize you can have
the best intentions and dosomething wrong to someone.
Regardless on what yourintentions are.
It's important that you findhow you wronged them and
(09:37):
apologize.
It won't mean it won't takeaway from what you did the value
of why you did it.
Just know that not everybody isgoing to be OK and you got to
be mindful that not everybody isgoing to be OK and you can be
there to help facilitate that,just by simply apologizing and
admitting if you're wrong.
Men who create emotional safetyfor their sons to cry, question
(10:01):
and express.
My plus son, abraham, is acrier, obviously my toddler and
my five-year-old is a crier, butmy 11-year-old he's a crier.
Sometimes I got to talk to himin a tough way.
But my tough way is justbecause he doesn't agree with it
, right, or he'll start raisinghis voice and I have to tell him
(10:21):
, like calm down, we're notyelling at each other.
Why are you yelling at me?
You know he gets frustrated orsomething.
(10:44):
He'll start crying and I'm like, ok, go ahead and navigate that
, figure that out, take a deepbreath, like I understand that
you're frustrated, and then wetalk about it and he talks and
he tells me what I did wrong andI apologize and we creating a
better and more emotional safety.
It was hard for me when we firststarted, when I first got with
this mother, is because I'm notused to boys crying.
I'm not used to.
You know, like I think I was asensitive kid when I was a
little soft kid, when I wasgrowing up, you know cause?
(11:06):
I didn't have a man to reallyteach me.
I was taught by women emotions,and so that's the only way I
really knew how to expressmyself.
But you know, being as a manthat I've grown into be, this
was the first time I'm likeengaging with the son that cries
a lot and I was like we'regoing to have to get you out of
that.
That was my first impression,but in reality, I was like I
(11:27):
need this.
I need this space for youbecause I also need the space
for me, and so I just use it asa way to create emotional safety
for both of us.
The next one is like leaders whomodel respectful power and not
domination.
Like in my household, I teachmy boys about when we say
something, we mean it and if wecommit to it, we do it.
(11:48):
We have the power to breaksomeone with our words, but we
don't use that power.
We don't have to use that power.
We can take what we're tryingto say and express it in a more
healthier way and still get thesame outcome.
The next one is men who teachtheir boys that vulnerability is
(12:09):
strength and action.
Vulnerability this word isscary to some men sometimes
because they think like, oh,people are going to take
advantage.
If you hear the wordvulnerability and the first
thing you think is that people,you're vulnerable and that means
that people are going to takeadvantage of you, that is
because you probably need to goget some help, go seek a
(12:32):
therapist and talk to them aboutyour attachment style, if that
word scares you.
Vulnerability if it scares you,that means that you have an
attachment style that is notsecure, and that's something
that we have to work on.
I think most men are raised tohave non-secure attachment
styles, because that's whatmakes us hard, but that's also
(12:55):
what's sending us into thesesituations that we're in right
now is because we want men to beso hard and dominant and
unapologetic and all thesedifferent things.
But this is how you help yourson from a secure to form a
secure identity and a clearsense of who he is and how to
(13:15):
engage the world as a man wholeads with integrity and not
insecurity.
I'm gonna give you five thingsthat you can start today to
build your son's emotional,mental and masculine foundation
with intention.
It's important that you showhim the full emotional range.
(13:38):
Let him see you happy,disappointed, afraid, joyful or
even crying.
Teach him that real men feeland still stand strong.
It's important that you saywhat you feel and why.
(13:59):
For example, I'm frustratedbecause I want to help and I
don't know how to help.
This gives him emotionalvocabulary and modeling.
A next one is you can replacecommanding with coaching.
So, instead of because I saidso, try here's why I do it this
way.
What do you think?
Because I said so, try.
Here's why I do it this way.
What do you think?
(14:19):
This one is a big one?
Because it's easy for us to belike.
That's what I said, because Isaid so.
And so many times when I tellmy son something and they say
why, oh my God, I want to saybecause I said so, that is the
most like, that's the, that isthe found, that is it.
(14:40):
I don't need to explain to youwhy I said what I said, but in
reality it doesn't apply, itdoesn't have value to why you're
saying what you're saying.
But if you can explain it, itmakes sense to them.
They're asking why,inquisitively, not to question
you, but to really get an answer, so that they can make it make
(15:02):
sense to themselves based onwhat you say.
Because I can promise you whenyou can give them a why, they're
going to be like, tell theirfriends when they do, and their
friends asking why are you doingit that way?
Because my dad said that Ishould do it this way because of
this, this and this and this.
But first, cultivate coaching.
Last, let's create rituals forconnections.
(15:26):
Boys connect through actions.
Go on, father-son, walks, traintogether, cook a meal or do
something consistent.
That opens emotional doors Formy daughter.
We had moment of honesty.
We drive everywhere, we werealways in the car a lot, so she
would just roll me and we wouldtalk all the time still right
today, that's a thing that we dogo to the grocery store and
(15:46):
talk a lot for my sons.
We train in jujitsu so likewhen we're fighting in jujitsu
we're working together.
I'm like, or he'll cook foodwith me or something like that,
but like it's important tocreate these emotional, open,
emotional doors.
My son will talk to the end ofearth and I just give him door
(16:06):
openers to continuouslycommunicate so that he can feel
safe to think and feel things,even if it's annoys me.
And lastly, talk about your pastand what you're still healing.
Let them know that growingdoesn't stop at adulthood.
You don't lose credibility whenyou share your journey.
You gain trust.
This is a big thing to me.
(16:28):
That I think has made me morehuman to my kids is because they
know that I'm not this perfectdad.
I do great things and they seeme as this great person, but I
am not a perfect person.
But I am a great dad to themand I let them know that I'm a
great dad because of all thesethings that I've learned as a
child and it's helped me throughnavigating all these different
(16:52):
feelings and knowing the why Iam the way that I am helps me
give them the answers to theirproblems a lot better and they
can receive those answers andreceive that advice a lot better
.
My teenager is still gettingchallenged with that because
she's a teenager, but for themost part, my kids.
They're able to see that I havehard times with some things and
some things I'll say no and Ihave to let them know.
(17:15):
Okay, that was kind of rootedin my trauma.
You probably can handle itbetter than I did.
To let them know, okay, thatwas kind of rooted in my trauma.
You probably can handle itbetter than I did, but I didn't.
You know, I didn't handle itwell when I was a kid.
So here let me give you thistrust and stuff like that.
So that's how I navigate thisstuff Like talk about your past
and what you're still healing.
On.
Boys don't learn manhood fromwhat we say.
(17:35):
They learn it from how we live,how we love, how we lead.
So today we've talked about thepower of secure attachment and
father-son relationships, whatthe wrong script of masculinity
produces and how to rewrite it,five ways to guide your son into
healthy, grounded, confidentmanhood.
(17:57):
And I have a challenge for youtoday Create one intentional
moment this week to reflect orconnect with your son, whether
it's a real conversation orshared activity or simply naming
your own emotions.
Model the man you want him tobecome.
You want tools to help youpractice this.
Visit 15minuteswithdadcom tolisten to many other episodes
(18:19):
that we have, and next weekwe're shifting gears and
exploring the father-daughterdynamic and the father-daughter
blueprint, showing her how shedeserves to be treated.
Until next time, teach throughpresence, lead through healing
and leave a legacy worthfollowing.
Welcome back to another episode of 15 Minutes
with Dad, the podcast where weexplore real fatherhood,
emotional presence and personalgrowth in action.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,a father of four, creative
leader and someone who's learnedthat the mirror our sons look
into every day is us.
Today's episode is called theFather's Son Mirror teaching
(00:22):
healthy manhood through presence.
This conversation is deep,personal and for some of us it's
uncomfortable, but it's one wecan't afford to avoid,
especially in a world wheremasculinity is often
misunderstood, misapplied orcompletely missing the mark.
We're going to talk about howsons form their identity by
watching their fathers, whatattachment theory teaches us
(00:45):
about the father-son dynamic,the difference between healthy
masculinity and performativemasculinity, and how to heal the
father wound by becoming theman your son needs.
Let's get into it.
Let's start with some facts.
I'm going to talk aboutattachment theory, so stay with
me at the beginning of this aswe dive into this very deep
(01:08):
topic.
Attachment theory, developed byJohn Baldby and expanded by
Mary Ainsworth, teaches us thatearly relationships shape how we
connect to others throughoutour life.
When it comes to sons andfathers, secure attachment in
early childhood leads us tobetter emotional regulation,
higher self-esteem, strongerrelationships in adulthood,
(01:32):
reduced anxiety and depressionand lower risk of violence,
substance abuse and emotionaldetachment.
Now, what creates secureattachments?
It's not perfection, it'sconsistency, responsiveness and
emotional safety.
Now, when fathers areemotionally distant, overly
(01:57):
critical or even absent, whetherphysically or emotionally, sons
often develop avoidantattachments, where boys grow up
emotionally walled off and hyperindependent.
Anxious attachment, where boysfeel they have to earn love or
avoid disapproval from theirsignificant other or people's
people in their lives.
Or worse, disorganizedattachments, which creates chaos
(02:20):
in relationships, identityconfusion and poor emotional
control.
This is how the father woundbegins and it doesn't just
impact boys.
It becomes the emotionalfoundation or dysfunction they
carry into manhood.
What does unhealthy masculinitylook like in men?
(02:44):
When an attachment is broken orthe message of manhood is
warped, we get what we often seetoday as men who have no
language for their emotions, menwho express anger but suppress
(03:07):
everything else, and men whomistake control for leadership,
silence for strength anddominance for respect.
Here's what the wrong messagessound like Toughen up, don't cry
, handle it yourself.
Real men, don't talk aboutfeelings, be the boss and never
back down.
And here's what that turns intoEmotionally distant men fathers
, husbands, workaholic providerswho can't connect at home with
(03:28):
their significant others ortheir kids or people in their
life, and men who fear intimacybut crave validation.
Dads who love their kids deeplybut don't know how to say it or
show it.
This isn't because we are badmen.
It's because many of us werenever shown how to be whole men.
(03:52):
And this is something that Istruggle with as well, and I've
struggled with over a huge chunkof my life of really trying to
navigate people andrelationships and women and all
these different things.
I didn't have my dad to reallyexplain things to me and I think
that if my dad was in my life,he probably wouldn't be able to
have explained it, because he'salso just not learning it.
(04:14):
And while struggling throughall of these things with
relationships with women andwith my kids, with relationships
with women and with my kids,there's often times where I put
my ego first or my pride firstto really navigate something.
Or at a point in time in mylife, just because I'm talking
louder than the other personmeans that I'm a little bit
(04:36):
dominant and the biggest part isthe validation part.
I avoid strong feelings thatpeople have towards me.
Well, I used to do this quiteoften, but I used to avoid these
intimate feelings and I wouldengage with semi-fixed
relationships with females wherethey committed.
(04:58):
They were committed but Iwasn't fully committed for one
reason or the other and I didn'ttell them.
But being with them gave mevalidation because they
expressed how good of a person Iam.
They expressed that I'm a goodman and this and that and the
other.
But I never felt it for myselfand I've talked on many
different episodes of pastrelationships.
That's gone terribly bad.
(05:19):
That could have been reallygreat relationships, but because
I was still developing as a manwhere I thought, just because I
could get into a relationship,that I was really ready for one.
And a lot of times, like when Igot into relationships, is
because I could serve a purposeand I felt that I can do things
for this person and they wouldlove me because of it, because
(05:41):
I'm capable, because I felt likegrowing up I was, you know,
weighing hand and feet for mygrandmother throughout her.
You know all of my life.
But you know, until, like thelast couple of years before she
passed, I spent my entire lifeof doing acts of service and
(06:02):
when I do it right, I gotapproval or I got love, or I got
, you know, a compliment or likeyou know, and that's like
making her food, cooking dinner,cleaning up for her, changing
out her bedpan, like literallybeing her care, her, her
provider, and and that's what Ithought love was and going into
(06:27):
my relationship, not really everquestioning my own attachment
styles.
I ended up in relationshipswhere I initially was of value
because I can do a thing, butthen, when it was time for me to
be intimate with this person, Ididn't really build that.
I didn't have that form ofintimacy because I was, I felt
(06:49):
all my value, like I felt I dideverything I was supposed to in
a relationship because I wasdoing everything that they
wanted me to do.
And for a lot of men that's thecase.
A lot of men don't know whytheir relationships fell because
they feel like they're doingeverything that this person
wants and they just don't.
This woman just can't getenough.
In reality, they either youknow it wasn't communicated
properly because they're goingthrough theirs or we aren't even
(07:12):
aware that this form ofrelationships exists, of how we
attach to people right, likejust because you're old enough
to have a relationship andyou've been in it a long time
doesn't mean you're doing itright.
I wasn't doing it right, and Ithink I'm still not doing it
right, because I'm stilllearning how my attachment style
affects the people that I loveand the people that I'm with,
(07:33):
even my daughter, like.
I'm learning how my attachmentstyle has affected her, how I
get anxious and I, and you know,anxiously avoiding like I avoid
those hard, crazy momentsbecause of how somebody else
might feel about them, or Inegate how I feel in order to
make sure people please and makesure that someone else feels
(07:54):
good and even if it breaks, evenif it goes against my
boundaries or something that Ihold dear, I'm still learning
that, as a 36 year old man, I'mstill learning that.
And so I say that to you guys,as this conversation is about
you're a father, son, but reallyit's about you, whether you're
(08:14):
a father or not, you know, andas you navigate your manhood and
navigate being a man ornavigate this world, as you know
, as a man, and you knowportraying your masculinity, how
do we do it in a healthy waythat you know keeps us grounded
and keeps us at bay, but alsohelps build the people around us
(08:35):
.
So let's flip it and talk aboutwhat healthy masculinity looks
like in fathers, like healthymasculinity is rooted is rooted
in presence, not performance.
It values truth over toughnessand connection over control.
(08:57):
Here's what it looks likeFathers who name and regulate
their emotions.
It's a big one.
Most fathers bottle things upuntil it overcomes them and they
don't know what to do and theyfeel like now they can't take it
anymore.
(09:17):
Now everybody got to hear whatthey got to say.
That is the wrong way to goabout it.
That's toxic guys.
Dads who admit when they'rewrong and apologize you can have
the best intentions and dosomething wrong to someone.
Regardless on what yourintentions are.
It's important that you findhow you wronged them and
(09:37):
apologize.
It won't mean it won't takeaway from what you did the value
of why you did it.
Just know that not everybody isgoing to be OK and you got to
be mindful that not everybody isgoing to be OK and you can be
there to help facilitate that,just by simply apologizing and
admitting if you're wrong.
Men who create emotional safetyfor their sons to cry, question
(10:01):
and express.
My plus son, abraham, is acrier, obviously my toddler and
my five-year-old is a crier, butmy 11-year-old he's a crier.
Sometimes I got to talk to himin a tough way.
But my tough way is justbecause he doesn't agree with it
, right, or he'll start raisinghis voice and I have to tell him
(10:21):
, like calm down, we're notyelling at each other.
Why are you yelling at me?
You know he gets frustrated orsomething.
(10:44):
He'll start crying and I'm like, ok, go ahead and navigate that
, figure that out, take a deepbreath, like I understand that
you're frustrated, and then wetalk about it and he talks and
he tells me what I did wrong andI apologize and we creating a
better and more emotional safety.
It was hard for me when we firststarted, when I first got with
this mother, is because I'm notused to boys crying.
I'm not used to.
You know, like I think I was asensitive kid when I was a
little soft kid, when I wasgrowing up, you know cause?
(11:06):
I didn't have a man to reallyteach me.
I was taught by women emotions,and so that's the only way I
really knew how to expressmyself.
But you know, being as a manthat I've grown into be, this
was the first time I'm likeengaging with the son that cries
a lot and I was like we'regoing to have to get you out of
that.
That was my first impression,but in reality, I was like I
(11:27):
need this.
I need this space for youbecause I also need the space
for me, and so I just use it asa way to create emotional safety
for both of us.
The next one is like leaders whomodel respectful power and not
domination.
Like in my household, I teachmy boys about when we say
something, we mean it and if wecommit to it, we do it.
(11:48):
We have the power to breaksomeone with our words, but we
don't use that power.
We don't have to use that power.
We can take what we're tryingto say and express it in a more
healthier way and still get thesame outcome.
The next one is men who teachtheir boys that vulnerability is
(12:09):
strength and action.
Vulnerability this word isscary to some men sometimes
because they think like, oh,people are going to take
advantage.
If you hear the wordvulnerability and the first
thing you think is that people,you're vulnerable and that means
that people are going to takeadvantage of you, that is
because you probably need to goget some help, go seek a
(12:32):
therapist and talk to them aboutyour attachment style, if that
word scares you.
Vulnerability if it scares you,that means that you have an
attachment style that is notsecure, and that's something
that we have to work on.
I think most men are raised tohave non-secure attachment
styles, because that's whatmakes us hard, but that's also
(12:55):
what's sending us into thesesituations that we're in right
now is because we want men to beso hard and dominant and
unapologetic and all thesedifferent things.
But this is how you help yourson from a secure to form a
secure identity and a clearsense of who he is and how to
(13:15):
engage the world as a man wholeads with integrity and not
insecurity.
I'm gonna give you five thingsthat you can start today to
build your son's emotional,mental and masculine foundation
with intention.
It's important that you showhim the full emotional range.
(13:38):
Let him see you happy,disappointed, afraid, joyful or
even crying.
Teach him that real men feeland still stand strong.
It's important that you saywhat you feel and why.
(13:59):
For example, I'm frustratedbecause I want to help and I
don't know how to help.
This gives him emotionalvocabulary and modeling.
A next one is you can replacecommanding with coaching.
So, instead of because I saidso, try here's why I do it this
way.
What do you think?
Because I said so, try.
Here's why I do it this way.
What do you think?
(14:19):
This one is a big one?
Because it's easy for us to belike.
That's what I said, because Isaid so.
And so many times when I tellmy son something and they say
why, oh my God, I want to saybecause I said so, that is the
most like, that's the, that isthe found, that is it.
(14:40):
I don't need to explain to youwhy I said what I said, but in
reality it doesn't apply, itdoesn't have value to why you're
saying what you're saying.
But if you can explain it, itmakes sense to them.
They're asking why,inquisitively, not to question
you, but to really get an answer, so that they can make it make
(15:02):
sense to themselves based onwhat you say.
Because I can promise you whenyou can give them a why, they're
going to be like, tell theirfriends when they do, and their
friends asking why are you doingit that way?
Because my dad said that Ishould do it this way because of
this, this and this and this.
But first, cultivate coaching.
Last, let's create rituals forconnections.
(15:26):
Boys connect through actions.
Go on, father-son, walks, traintogether, cook a meal or do
something consistent.
That opens emotional doors Formy daughter.
We had moment of honesty.
We drive everywhere, we werealways in the car a lot, so she
would just roll me and we wouldtalk all the time still right
today, that's a thing that we dogo to the grocery store and
(15:46):
talk a lot for my sons.
We train in jujitsu so likewhen we're fighting in jujitsu
we're working together.
I'm like, or he'll cook foodwith me or something like that,
but like it's important tocreate these emotional, open,
emotional doors.
My son will talk to the end ofearth and I just give him door
(16:06):
openers to continuouslycommunicate so that he can feel
safe to think and feel things,even if it's annoys me.
And lastly, talk about your pastand what you're still healing.
Let them know that growingdoesn't stop at adulthood.
You don't lose credibility whenyou share your journey.
You gain trust.
This is a big thing to me.
(16:28):
That I think has made me morehuman to my kids is because they
know that I'm not this perfectdad.
I do great things and they seeme as this great person, but I
am not a perfect person.
But I am a great dad to themand I let them know that I'm a
great dad because of all thesethings that I've learned as a
child and it's helped me throughnavigating all these different
(16:52):
feelings and knowing the why Iam the way that I am helps me
give them the answers to theirproblems a lot better and they
can receive those answers andreceive that advice a lot better
.
My teenager is still gettingchallenged with that because
she's a teenager, but for themost part, my kids.
They're able to see that I havehard times with some things and
some things I'll say no and Ihave to let them know.
(17:15):
Okay, that was kind of rootedin my trauma.
You probably can handle itbetter than I did.
To let them know, okay, thatwas kind of rooted in my trauma.
You probably can handle itbetter than I did, but I didn't.
You know, I didn't handle itwell when I was a kid.
So here let me give you thistrust and stuff like that.
So that's how I navigate thisstuff Like talk about your past
and what you're still healing.
On.
Boys don't learn manhood fromwhat we say.
(17:35):
They learn it from how we live,how we love, how we lead.
So today we've talked about thepower of secure attachment and
father-son relationships, whatthe wrong script of masculinity
produces and how to rewrite it,five ways to guide your son into
healthy, grounded, confidentmanhood.
(17:57):
And I have a challenge for youtoday Create one intentional
moment this week to reflect orconnect with your son, whether
it's a real conversation orshared activity or simply naming
your own emotions.
Model the man you want him tobecome.
You want tools to help youpractice this.
Visit 15minuteswithdadcom tolisten to many other episodes
(18:19):
that we have, and next weekwe're shifting gears and
exploring the father-daughterdynamic and the father-daughter
blueprint, showing her how shedeserves to be treated.
Until next time, teach throughpresence, lead through healing
and leave a legacy worthfollowing.
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