When “Helping Out” Isn’t Enough: The Myth of the Supportive Husband

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In this episode of The Aligned Father, host Lirec Williams challenges the modern myth of the “supportive husband.”
Many men believe that helping out around the house is enough—but true partnership requires ownership, awareness, and emotional leadership.

Drawing on research from the Pew Research Center, Dr. Darcy Lockman (All the Rage), Dr. John Gottman, and Dr. Brené Brown, this conversation breaks down why equality at home still feels unequal and how men can evolve from helpers to co-leaders.

Through real stories, psychology, and practical action steps, Lirec unpacks how invisible work, emotional labor, and outdated gender expectations quietly damage intimacy and mental health.
 He explains how developing emotional intelligence, healthy masculinity, and relationship communication strengthens both families and fatherhood.

🎯 What You’ll Learn
• Why “helping out” still leaves women carrying the invisible mental load
• The emotional healing required to move from provider to partner
• How emotional presence builds connection, not control
• Five proven strategies for shared responsibility and alignment
• How balance at home models self-love, parenting resilience, and generational healing

💡 Key Takeaway:
Helping is temporary. Partnership is transformational.
When fathers share emotional labor, listen with empa

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 A warm, exciting closing message that reinforces the show’s growth in fatherhood, emotional healing and family empowerment. Thanks listeners for their support, encourages episode feedback, ratings and social media tags, and offers a holiday reminder to gift Man Up, From Our Trauma to Being an Impactful Father to someone focused on personal growth and healthier parenting. 

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (01:24):
Hey, what's going on, brother?
Welcome back to the Align Fatherseries and 15 minutes with Dad
podcast.
I'm Lyric, and today we're goingto talk about one of the most
common traps thatwell-intentioned men fall into
the supportive husband myth.
You know the one you help withthe kids, you pitch in around

(01:45):
the house, you tell yourpartner, just tell me what you
need, and you feel like you'redoing your part.
But somehow she's stilloverwhelmed.
And in our eyes, she's stillungrateful.
She's not appreciating, she'sstill carrying stress.
And you're wondering, what elseam I supposed to do?

And here's the truth (02:08):
helping isn't the same as partnering,
support isn't the same as sharedleadership, and the good
intentions don't always equalalignment.
So today we're going to unpackwhy helping out often falls
short, what true partnershiplooks like, and how every man

(02:29):
can evolve from assistant toally.
Let's dive in, guys.
So let's start calling it whatit is.
No sugarcoating, nobullcrapping, the supportive man
myth.
It's a mindset that says, I'mdoing better than my dad did, so
I must be doing enough.

(02:50):
And that's part of the problem.
We've set the bar for modernfatherhood and partnership
extremely low, far too low, inmy opinion.
Sociologist Dr.
Darcy Lockman, author of All theRage, Mothers, Fathers, and the
Myth of Equal Partnership, foundthat even in progressive

(03:11):
households, women still donearly 70% of family planning,
organization, and emotionalmanagement, even when both
parents work full time.
And men, we often think we'reequal because we help.
We do dishes, we handle bedtime,we take the kids to soccer.

(03:34):
But here's the key difference.
We're often waiting fordirection instead of sharing
responsibility.
Helping says, I'll do what youtell me.
Partnership says, I'll see whatneeds to be done and own it with
you.

(03:55):
That's leadership with empathy.
That's what this new generationof fathers is being called to
step into.
There's a spot in the divorcerate right now that we see going
on around the world that doesn'tget talked about, and men have
no idea of what's reallyhappening.

(04:19):
We have an idea on what wentwrong in our marriage because we
take on the last argument thatmay have happened.
But in most cases, this is whyour relationships are going to
crap without us knowing what'sgoing on.
We are being told what theproblem is, but I think in some

(04:41):
cases, this is a complex, deeperissue that women have not
actually sat down.
There's no no place or dialoguethat's going on between men and
women to talk about, hey, inyour household, you need to talk
about these things.
It usually comes out in like,hey, you're not doing enough.

(05:01):
And then men gets defensive oflike, I am doing enough, but
it's the emotional managementpart that I think we're all
missing the mark on.
Because being present requiresan emotional presence.
And when a man isn't emotionallymature, the woman carries all of

(05:23):
that in the relationship.
And I think it goes the sameboth ways.
When a man is emotionally matureand a woman is not, that one
person that is emotionallymature will carry the weight of
that relationship.
But I think in most cases, whenwe have these, when you, if you
are in a relationship or ifyou've been in a relationship
that just ended, a marriage hasbeen going for so long and

(05:44):
things look like they wereworking, and then it just became
a transactional experience withthat person, it's because this
emotional mishaps.
You're not present emotionally.
And to show up present andemotionally, I'm telling you,
this what I'm what I'm talkingabout in this series, the
alignment is specificallytalking about that emotional

(06:09):
alignment that transpires intothe physical.
Because we taught we start fromthe physical, we're taught by
doing things we are appreciated,by being helpful, by being
useful.
Yes, a woman would need us tokill a roach or kill a spider or
kill a bug, or they'll need usto cut a tree down, or they'll

(06:30):
need us to go and mow the lawn.
They'll need us to fix on thepipes or call somebody to fix
appliances in the house, butthat is not our value as men, as
people.
Women get into relationship withthis because they want a deeper
connection.
And it seems that men have thisceiling at which we elevate in

(06:53):
our relationships.
So many of us are not able toelevate to that level because we
cannot open up deeplyemotionally.
And then some cases where men belike, Yeah, this is my she's my
piece, and you know, being therefor her, and I can I this is my
person I can lean on, and theperson I go and cry to, she
knows my weaknesses and all thatstuff.

(07:14):
But how, and and she tells mehers, and we go through these
things together, but in reality,how do you transcend from that
space of just being each other'sneeds emotionally and really
just pouring in to a space sowhere it's proactive and not
reactive emotionally?

(07:37):
So you might be thinking, what'swrong with helping out?
Nothing if it's balanced, but inmost families, emotional and
logistical management still fallto one person.
There was a 2019 Pew ResearchCenter study found that 59% of

(07:57):
mothers say they manage theirkids' schedule, school updates,
and emotional well-being almostentirely, compared to only 6% of
fathers who said the same.
That gap creates an invisibletension that families that
partners don't talk about.

(08:17):
And this is what this is why Ifeel that it is a culprit in
divorce because there's allthese other things like finances
and cheating and infidelity, butall that transpires because
there's this invisible tension.
When one partner has to manageand the other waits to be told,
it turns teamwork into task workwhere your wife, she might be a

(08:40):
manager at her job, but she alsogot to come home and manage the
household.
You become essentially a child.
And I think that there's apatriarchal space to where the
father is also a child.
And I think in some culturesit's a normal thing.

But here's the emotional truth: when your partner constantly has (08:58):
undefined
to delegate help, she's stillcarrying the load.
She has to make sure you do itfor the kids.
That's not partnership, that'smanagement.
True support means ownership.
That means that you'reanticipating, planning, and

(09:21):
executing like the familydepends on both of you equally.
And she's able to depend on thefact that that's gonna, it's
gonna turn out right becausewe're both owning it.
I don't have to check in becauseI know he's gonna get it right
because we're on the same page.
Brother, I want to be clear thatI am not saying this out of

(09:42):
judgment.
I personally have missed thisfor years myself.
We think we're being supportivebecause we compare ourselves to
our old school fathers, the onewho never changed a diaper,
never said, I love you out loud.
Maybe he did, but very rarely,but never showed emotions.

(10:06):
But that comparison blinds us tothe evolution needed now.
Women need us to evolve.
Women have been going to therapyand doing mental health,
creating social circles foryears.
Because while we were talkingabout being a provider, we also

(10:27):
isolated ourselves and ourmental health suffered.
But now men have been talkingabout, you know, mental health,
we're talking about healing andall of this stuff, and we but we
are not talking about theevolution that's needed.

(10:49):
As Dr.
Brane Brown says, we confusebeing liked for being real and
doing what's expected for doingwhat's right.
Many men are afraid of steppinginto deeper partnership because
it means accountability.
So they hide behind patriarchy.

(11:09):
Oh, my wife will handle that.
My wife would do that.
Oh, I'm I'm gonna help her out.
It means you can't just helpanymore.
It means you have to co-owneverything communication, mental
health, emotional safety, andfamily planning.
Co-own it.

(11:30):
It's a thing you'd go and do,not a thing she tells you to do,
and that can be uncomfortablebecause now love requires
emotional labor, not just aphysical effort.

(11:52):
But there's a payoff when youstep into that kind of
partnership, you gain respect,trust, and most importantly, the
intimacy that your partner tendsto say was lost over the years.
Your partner no longer feelslike she's parenting the

(12:14):
relationship.
Now let's talk about what realpartnership looks like.
These are the shifts that turnhelping into more of a
harmonious relationship withyour partner.
Number one, let's move from thetasks to being in ownership.

(12:36):
We talked about this, co-owningeverything.
Stop asking what you need me todo.
Start saying, here's what I'lltake care of this week.
I'll do this.
Initiative communicatesequality, like it's more than
just her responsibility, it'sy'all's responsibility.
The second is let's check inemotionally and not just

(12:59):
logistically.
What do we need done today?
Ask, how are you really doingthis week?
And mean it and listen.
And when she says she'soverwhelmed and she needs your
help or your you to come and dosome things, re-try and resist
the I already do a lot reflex.

(13:21):
And instead say, you know, helpme understand what feels help
what feels heavy for you.
Help me understand more.
But this requires you to heal.
Don't seek praise, you don'tneed credit, but you need to
create a connection.

(13:43):
So you need to do more aboutseeking presence.
You won't win by just beingacknowledged that you did a
thing, yay.
Get a cookie.
But you need alignment.
When you get alignment, you getthe full picture.
You get that whole vision thatyou're trying to get for the
future of your family that willnot rock, that will not shake

(14:05):
and crumble over the nextdecade.
You could be married 20, 30years, and it goes to crap, and
that hurts probably worse thansomeone that's been in a
relationship for two years.
But if you want that longevity,you gotta maintain alignment.
And you need to recognize thatdoing this work breaks

(14:25):
generational cycles.
Your son learns how to lovethrough partnership, your
daughter learns how to expectequality and theirs.
And to be direct, this isn'tfeminism, it's family
sustainability.
You want your family and yourrelationship to last eons of

(14:45):
years.
This is the thing that I've kindof discovered.
I've like looked through allthis data and I'm learning that
this is a topic that isn't beingtalked about.
And it's the evolution of men.
And when you evolve fromsupportive to equal, the energy
in your home completely changes.

(15:07):
Your partner's anxiety goesdown, your kids see teamwork in
real time, you feel moreconnected to your family, your
spouse, your partner, morerespected, and more fulfilled.
The Gottman Institute hasdecades of research showing that
shared responsibility in thehome correlates with higher
relationship satisfaction andlower conflict.

(15:31):
Why?
Because balance breeds peace.
And here's what most men havenot realized.
This is about emotionalleadership.
Yes, you can get people to dothings.
Yes, you can get people tolisten to you.
Yes, you can yell, raise yourvoice, they'll move like you

(15:52):
want to.
But this is what it means to bean aligned father.
Leadership that nurtures and notdominate.
Love that collaborates withinyour household and not commands.
So this week I want to I wantyou to do a couple things for

(16:12):
me.
The first thing I want you to dois I want you to sit down
together with your partner, listout all responsibilities,
emotional, mental, and physical.
Ask who carries what in realtime.
And be honest.
If you do it, I check it out.

(16:32):
This is what I do.
If you don't, that's what shedoes.
But be honest.
Like audit the household load.
Next, I want you to pick onetask your partner handles
without you noticing.
Meal planning, scheduling,emotional check-ins, and then
make it fully yours.
Trade one invisible task.

(16:54):
I don't want you to wait for herto break down.
I want you to ask her, how can Imake this week lighter for you?
And lead with empathy.
When your partner vents, listento, understand, not to fix.
This is hard.
Listen.
Door openers.
I see.
That's frustrating.

(17:15):
That could be hard.
But don't fix it.
Just share the emotional space.
And because equality isn't aone-time conversation, it's a
rhythm.
So you need to revisit thebalance weekly.
This partnership thing isactive, it's not passive.

(17:35):
So, brothers, I want to closeout with telling you that
helping isn't love, partnershipis.
And love isn't about waiting fordirection, it's about showing
initiative, curiosity,compassion.
You can't lead your family ifyou don't co-lead your
relationship, especially on theemotional side.

(17:57):
So this week, do more than help.
Show up like it's your home too.
Because it is.