May 20, 2025 • 21 mins
What if discipline wasn’t about control—but about connection, healing, and emotional growth?
In this transformative episode of 15 Minutes with Dad, we challenge the outdated discipline tactics many of us grew up with—yelling, threats, punishment—and offer a more intentional parenting model grounded in emotional presence, empathetic communication, and mental healing.
Host Lirec Williams dives into how modern fatherhood can break cycles of generational trauma and replace reactive habits with values-based leadership. Through a lens of supportive fathering and family empowerment, we redefine discipline not as punishment, but as guidance. After all, the word “discipline” stems from “disciple”—to teach, not control.
🎯 In this episode, you’ll explore:
- 5 powerful discipline strategies that work for toddlers and teens
- How to connect before you correct—the foundation of emotional safety
- Using natural consequences to build responsibility, not fear
- Why reflecting is more powerful than lecturing
- How to model emotional regulation as a father and guide
This is not about being soft—it’s about being strong in spirit and grounded in patience. This is healing fatherhood in action.
By shifting toward growth mindset parenting and conscious co-parenting, you create a home where children learn to make good decisions because they understand their values—not because they’re afraid of punishment.
🛠️ Want to go deeper? Visit 15minuteswithdad.com/discipline for bonus tools on peaceful parenting, mental resilience, and raising emotionally intelligent kids with purpose and love.
🎧 Listen now and try just one of these approaches this week—then watch how your family dynamic begins to shift.
Stay Connected with 15 Minutes with Dad:
🌐 Website: Explore additional resources and updates on our healing journey at 15MinuteswithDad.com.
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Host
- Instagram: @ToldbyLirec
- Facebook: @ToldbyLirec
- TikTok:@ToldbyLirec
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🎧 Listen on Your Favorite Platforms: Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Anchor, and more.
Thank you for joining us on this transformative journey! Together, we're breaking barriers and fostering a community of healing.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to another episode of 15 minutes
with dad, the podcast where wetalk real fatherhood, emotional
growth and everything it takesto show up as the man your
children need.
I'm your host, lyric williams,and this is a new season, a new
chapter, and we're kicking itoff with the big one.
Let's be honest Most of us wereraised in homes where
(00:22):
discipline meant yelling,grounding and maybe even a belt.
We were taught to fear ourparents, not understand them,
and when we became fathers, manyof us repeated those same
patterns, even when we promisedourselves we wouldn't.
But today we asked the questionwhat if discipline wasn't about
control but about connection?
What if our children's behaviorwasn't something to crush but
(00:46):
something to guide withintention?
Let's unpack it, let's shift it, so let's talk about why the
old way no longer works.
Punishment might stop abehavior in the moment, but it
doesn't teach our kids why to dobetter.
Discipline that comes fromanger, fear and shame often
(01:07):
creates children who obey toavoid consequences, not because
they understand values, kids whosuppress emotions instead of
learning to process it, andadults who either rebel against
authority or constantly needsomeone to tell them what to do.
So if that sounds familiar,you're not alone, but the truth
is we're not just raisingchildren, we're raising future
(01:30):
adults, and discipline shouldprepare them for life, not just
for surviving childhood.
And if I look at my life andhow I grew up, I grew up in an
extremely disciplined householdwhere I got a whooping as a
solution for literallyeverything.
Whether I'm sweeping the floorand there's, like you know,
(01:52):
straw strings from the broombecause we had straw brooms back
then straw strings from thebroom left on the floor.
After I swept the floor, afterdoing kitchen at night, my
grandmother would wake me up inthe middle of the night pulling
me by my ear Like I was livingin an extreme form of discipline
, not saying that everyone outthere is doing this level, but I
(02:12):
mean my household was abusive.
And so I'm coming from you,from learning the polar opposite
and how it affects and tryingto implement the opposite.
Not the opposite, but more of abalance of what discipline
looks like in my household.
And so let's talk about what isdiscipline really about.
(02:32):
Let's define or redefinediscipline Like.
Discipline isn't about power,it's about teaching.
The root word of discipline isdisciple someone who learns.
So when we discipline ourchildren, we're really teaching
them values like respect,patience and honesty.
(02:53):
We're showing them how toregulate their emotions and
helping them understand howtheir actions impact others,
impact others, and that's a bigshift.
It requires us to kind of slowdown and respond, not react.
It requires us to lead withlove and not ego.
(03:19):
And here's the kickerDiscipline starts with the adult
, not the child.
Discipline starts with us, theadults, and not the children.
So I want to talk about fiverespectful discipline strategies
that actually work and how Iuse these in my real life with
my kids, and a big part of thisis for me to communicate the
(03:43):
difference that is made in myhouseholds.
So first let's try and connectbefore you correct.
Number one like kids listenbetter when they feel
emotionally safe.
If we go down their throat,yelling at them, they will
typically shut down.
I used to shut down as a kid.
My grandma would be like whyyou did this, you know, and I'll
(04:06):
just literally just not sayanything, and then she'll think
I'm being disrespectful.
Then the whole thing turns allabout ego and not about what it
is that I did wrong or why sheis upset either.
So like things that I try nowas an adult with my kids is like
even my toddler, two years old,unreasonable tantrums for no
reason, just randomly juststarts saying no to everything.
(04:28):
But I start with like, are youupset?
Or even with my 16-year-olddaughter I talk to her the same
way I was, like I see you'reupset by what I just said, or I
see you're upset right now and Iwant us to understand what
happened before we figure it outtogether.
Can you tell me what took placeto make you feel this way or
(04:48):
react that way or to make thatdecision?
So, and then the next one isthis one is pretty difficult
because I grew up, like I said,in an extreme case of like I
don't even call it disciplineabuse, a stream, case of abuse
within a household, and this oneis a tough balance for me, but
(05:12):
I try and navigate it as much asI possibly can.
So the second one is trying touse natural consequences.
Life is the best teacher whenwe step back.
So for my 16-year-old daughterand all this that I've learned,
I've learned mostly with her,but there used to be like
consequences, you can't do thisand you can't do this, and hold
(05:33):
off from doing this and doingthat, and you know, and that was
cool at a certain age.
But then, when she became olderand she had abstract thought, a
lot of those things no longerbecame valuable as a teacher for
her, and what started to happenis I would give her advice and
she would make decisionsopposite of that and I would
tell her what could possiblyhappen.
And if you choose this, this iswhat the outcome will be,
(05:56):
whether it be with grades,whether it be with school,
whether it be with friends, andthey all kind of you know, just
kind of played its part and thatmade more of a difference in
her life and what decisions shemakes now and how she's changed
over time than anything thatI've ever done earlier in her
life of like punishment fromthis, taking from this and doing
this and this.
(06:17):
So if your child forget theirlunch, they will remember it
next time better than if youyell at them for forgetting
their lunch.
With AB, with my 10 year old, Itend to do this a lot better
with um because you know he'she's learning a lot about life.
So, whereas with my 16-year-old, I would just when she was
younger I would get upset, youknow tell her all these
(06:41):
different things with the hopethat she would learn that in the
moment, whereas now with my10-year-old.
I'm like, hey, if you know, Itold you to take the trash out.
Now we don't have a place toput our trash.
Or you were supposed to do thedishes.
You didn't do the dishes.
No matter what the excuse is,now we don't have as many dishes
to eat with during a weekbecause you didn't do your
(07:03):
dishes yesterday and now we'rebehind or like something of that
nature.
Just some natural consequencesto, but calling out the natural
consequences to their decisionsrather than yelling at them and
getting upset.
And this is something this nextone is something I really love
to do because it allows me tohave an agreement with my kids.
(07:25):
So create a clear agreement,not threats, like kids feel
respected and understood andthey are able to understand
what's expected.
So let's talk about bedtimetogether.
What happens when it's notfollowed, you know, like having
a conversation about what itlooks like.
So with my son, I know that my10 year old.
(07:45):
I know that if he doesn't go tobed at 8.30, 8.45, the latest,
he will have a hard time wakingup and he'll feel a little
groggy.
He'll have a hard time.
He may not even make the schoolbus and if he misses the school
bus then it kind of disruptsthe entire day of our morning
and so we talk about thosethings and his bedtime has
(08:09):
decreased from like 9, 30 tobeing 8 30 because of that.
Because we were trying to find abalance and I was making it
about I'm wanting him to be ableto get up for school and have a
good day, instead of me saying,you know, getting upset, you
missed the bus and you blah,blah, blah, and like I don't
even get mad.
I don't even get mad these daysabout it.
I just kind of just hey, thisis what we talked about.
(08:30):
You know, I just kind of justhey, this is what we talked
about.
I just kind of refer back toour agreement and those things
kind of like, believe it or not,this doesn't sound like what a
person would discipline from,but these are things that you
can use to find a balance in theway that you discipline.
These are not going tocompletely replace the way that
you discipline, but they willhelp you find a balance.
(08:52):
Whereas most kids, they startbecoming rebellious and angry
and upset at their parentsbecause their parents don't
understand them or their daddon't understand them, because a
lot of people look at a dadfigure as being a disciplinary,
and discipline is a balance.
It's not just a I'm going tobeat your ass every time you do
something or I'm going to yellat you.
I'm going to be here to makeyou feel bad about something
(09:14):
that you did.
It's teaching, it's making yourkids a disciple of you.
So let's talk about the fourthone.
We can reflect.
Like I said before, we canreflect, but we don't have to
lecture After you talk for about, like kids to attention span
these days, or a few minutes,max 30 minutes, they'll shut
(09:36):
down completely and we'retalking all out the woo-ha for a
long periods of time, hopingthat they learn.
And when I tell you, I am alecturer, I can teach and I can
talk.
That's why I have a podcast.
I can talk for a long time andI used to lecture my kids so
much and I realized it wasgetting nowhere because they
(09:57):
didn't really, you know, obtainanything that I said I was just
venting for the whole portion ofthe time.
So instead of venting on yourkids like reflect, don't lecture
.
So kids tune out lectures butengage when they're part of the
(10:18):
conversation.
So make it a back and forwardabout how, like, getting them
from cause to effect with theirown minds helps.
The conversation becomes moredigested by them because they're
guiding their brain and theirthought rather than you forcing
their brain and their thought.
After they turn like 11, theystart becoming abstract thinkers
(10:40):
and it seems like they'rebecoming rebellious or they're
becoming a teenager, but more sothey're becoming an abstract
thinker, which means that theyneed to guide their own selves
through their thought.
They're practicing andexercising that muscle of the
amygdala and the prefrontalcortex.
They're exercising that to makeit stronger and they're going
to make mistakes.
But in order for their mistakesto be a lesson, they have to go
(11:02):
through it themselves.
So you can try things like whatdo you think you could do
differently next time, likewe've seen what happened now.
You did this.
This is the outcome what do youthink could be done differently
next time and what outcomewould you expect from that?
And they will take that andthey will digest that, whatever
(11:25):
they talk through.
And they will take that andthey will digest that, whatever
they talk through.
You're just there to listen andhear them.
Like talk a little bit less,you will have less stress, your
blood pressure will go down, youwill thank me.
And the last one is probablythe most important one that I
can tell you guys, and it's youhave to model emotional
regulation.
(11:45):
Model your emotional regulation.
Your kids have to see that whatthey did did not completely
tear down the fabric of theirfamily, that what they did was a
decision that kids make, andkids make similar decisions out
(12:06):
of curiosity.
And children mirror us.
They will see how we'rereacting and they will learn to
react that way in those highemotional situations.
This isn't to say that youshould not be emotional, but you
can say that I, you know, hey,you did this thing.
(12:26):
If it personally affects you,like, hey, there's this thing
that you did and it made me feelthis way, made me feel like
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah andmoving forward.
I would like to not have thatbe our relationship, something
as simple as that.
That's not the answer to allthings, but I'm just saying you
(12:47):
can try.
I need a moment to calm down soI can respond the right way.
Take a step back and talk aboutit.
When you're ready to talk aboutit.
It's okay to be upset with yourkids.
What I'm telling you is not tonot be upset.
The thing I'm telling you is isto regulate your emotions, feel
through it.
Regulating doesn't meansuppressing.
(13:07):
It means to feel through it,navigate your thoughts, get the
right thoughts in tune.
And I'll tell you, there was apoint in time when my
relationship with my daughterwas terrible and I'm like I
thought I've been close to herthis whole time and I just
started learning my daughter ina different way, all the
(13:28):
decisions that she was makingand, like you know, as she's
becoming a teenager and we didan episode on this overcoming
teen self-harm healing with mydaughter.
It was, it was scary and I hadto deal with a lot of.
I had to regulate my emotionsso much when I'm, I tell you, my
blood pressure was up, lord, Iwas out of there.
I was out of there so much.
(13:49):
But these tools aren't all,aren't about being soft, they're
about being strong in yourleadership and grounded in your
emotional intelligence.
So here's a moment in my lifeand when I tell you I've learned
so much with my teenager.
But there was a period of timewhen my teenager would talk back
(14:11):
, had a disrespectful tone, shewould cut her eyes, not make eye
contact, the whole nine, andthe old me like I'm not going to
lie, I'm not going to lie, Iwould have snapped.
I would have raised my voice,maybe taken something away to
teach a lesson.
I would have talked for a longtime and it wouldn't even have
been about what she did, but howshe's reacting in this moment.
(14:32):
Oh, I would talk two hours,three hours, easy.
But instead I started pausing.
I would say things like look,you seem frustrated, let's just
talk, we're both ready.
I had to detach myself away fromthe situation because I felt I
realized that the situation wasnot ideal for her and,
understanding that she doesn'tlike the fact that she's in
(14:53):
trouble, I want her to get theinformation that I want her to
get.
I want her to get my ego.
And later we sat down and sheadmitted that she was
embarrassed about the thing thatshe had did at school that day,
and me bringing it up againobviously would regurgitate
those feelings.
But had I punished right away,I never would have gotten to
(15:14):
that truth and, more importantly, she never would have felt safe
to share it.
And that moment wasn't aboutbehavior, it was about trust.
That's a shift that we'remaking.
We want our kids to trust us sothat they can talk to us about
(15:44):
the.
It could if I made it aboutbeing a punishment situation or
you going to lose out on allthis.
I lose the chance to let hermake the mistake again so that
she can try to make it right thenext time.
You know, like some parents,they'd be like you can't do this
for a month.
You know you can't go here fora year.
(16:06):
That is unrealistic.
Like a kid won't even know whythey're grounded.
After time they just sit therefinding other ways to entertain
themselves and they'll get usedto it.
My brother he was groundedliterally for six years straight
, I feel like, cause he keptcoming to every report card, f
or something of that nature.
He'll get in trouble at school.
It's grounded for more monthsand it never did anything, bro.
(16:29):
It didn't change a thing, hejust got used to it.
No Christmas presents, he gotused to it.
He couldn't take anything awayfrom it at this point.
He had nothing to lose, so itnever really worked.
What I found to work is is thathaving those conversations with
them, allowing them to, givingthem the opportunity to make it
right and do better.
Kids want to be innately good.
Kids want to innately be good.
(16:51):
They make decisions that aren'tideal for parents, aren't ideal
for you know, representing theparent, but in reality, they're
their own person and they'renavigating this world as crazy
as we have to navigate it or arestill navigating it.
Inflation is real guys.
So today we talked about how we,as fathers, can shift from
(17:14):
punishment to patient,purposeful discipline.
Let's recap the old way ofcontrol through fear no longer
serves us or our children.
Discipline is about teaching,not punishing.
It's about creating disciplesof your children.
Connection, reflection andemotional leadership are the
(17:39):
real tools of a strong father.
So here's your challenge thisweek Choose one of the five
discipline strategies and try itout, whether it's connecting
before correcting, reflectingwith your child or regulating
your own emotions.
Put one new tool into actionand, if you want to dive deeper,
(17:59):
head to 15minuteswithdadcomforward slash discipline for
more tools, tips and printablesyou can use at home.
Next week, we're going to diveeven deeper into a topic every
father needs to hear theprovider trap Redefining success
beyond the paycheck.
Make sure you subscribe to 15Minutes with Dad on your
(18:20):
favorite podcast platform andfollow us on social media at 15
minutes with dad, and make surethat you leave us a comment or
leave us a review on thispodcast so that other people
like yourself could get ahold ofthis podcast until next time.
Lead with patience, teach withlove and discipline with purpose
.
Welcome back to another episode of 15 minutes
with dad, the podcast where wetalk real fatherhood, emotional
growth and everything it takesto show up as the man your
children need.
I'm your host, lyric williams,and this is a new season, a new
chapter, and we're kicking itoff with the big one.
Let's be honest Most of us wereraised in homes where
(00:22):
discipline meant yelling,grounding and maybe even a belt.
We were taught to fear ourparents, not understand them,
and when we became fathers, manyof us repeated those same
patterns, even when we promisedourselves we wouldn't.
But today we asked the questionwhat if discipline wasn't about
control but about connection?
What if our children's behaviorwasn't something to crush but
(00:46):
something to guide withintention?
Let's unpack it, let's shift it, so let's talk about why the
old way no longer works.
Punishment might stop abehavior in the moment, but it
doesn't teach our kids why to dobetter.
Discipline that comes fromanger, fear and shame often
(01:07):
creates children who obey toavoid consequences, not because
they understand values, kids whosuppress emotions instead of
learning to process it, andadults who either rebel against
authority or constantly needsomeone to tell them what to do.
So if that sounds familiar,you're not alone, but the truth
is we're not just raisingchildren, we're raising future
(01:30):
adults, and discipline shouldprepare them for life, not just
for surviving childhood.
And if I look at my life andhow I grew up, I grew up in an
extremely disciplined householdwhere I got a whooping as a
solution for literallyeverything.
Whether I'm sweeping the floorand there's, like you know,
(01:52):
straw strings from the broombecause we had straw brooms back
then straw strings from thebroom left on the floor.
After I swept the floor, afterdoing kitchen at night, my
grandmother would wake me up inthe middle of the night pulling
me by my ear Like I was livingin an extreme form of discipline
, not saying that everyone outthere is doing this level, but I
(02:12):
mean my household was abusive.
And so I'm coming from you,from learning the polar opposite
and how it affects and tryingto implement the opposite.
Not the opposite, but more of abalance of what discipline
looks like in my household.
And so let's talk about what isdiscipline really about.
(02:32):
Let's define or redefinediscipline Like.
Discipline isn't about power,it's about teaching.
The root word of discipline isdisciple someone who learns.
So when we discipline ourchildren, we're really teaching
them values like respect,patience and honesty.
(02:53):
We're showing them how toregulate their emotions and
helping them understand howtheir actions impact others,
impact others, and that's a bigshift.
It requires us to kind of slowdown and respond, not react.
It requires us to lead withlove and not ego.
(03:19):
And here's the kickerDiscipline starts with the adult
, not the child.
Discipline starts with us, theadults, and not the children.
So I want to talk about fiverespectful discipline strategies
that actually work and how Iuse these in my real life with
my kids, and a big part of thisis for me to communicate the
(03:43):
difference that is made in myhouseholds.
So first let's try and connectbefore you correct.
Number one like kids listenbetter when they feel
emotionally safe.
If we go down their throat,yelling at them, they will
typically shut down.
I used to shut down as a kid.
My grandma would be like whyyou did this, you know, and I'll
(04:06):
just literally just not sayanything, and then she'll think
I'm being disrespectful.
Then the whole thing turns allabout ego and not about what it
is that I did wrong or why sheis upset either.
So like things that I try nowas an adult with my kids is like
even my toddler, two years old,unreasonable tantrums for no
reason, just randomly juststarts saying no to everything.
(04:28):
But I start with like, are youupset?
Or even with my 16-year-olddaughter I talk to her the same
way I was, like I see you'reupset by what I just said, or I
see you're upset right now and Iwant us to understand what
happened before we figure it outtogether.
Can you tell me what took placeto make you feel this way or
(04:48):
react that way or to make thatdecision?
So, and then the next one isthis one is pretty difficult
because I grew up, like I said,in an extreme case of like I
don't even call it disciplineabuse, a stream, case of abuse
within a household, and this oneis a tough balance for me, but
(05:12):
I try and navigate it as much asI possibly can.
So the second one is trying touse natural consequences.
Life is the best teacher whenwe step back.
So for my 16-year-old daughterand all this that I've learned,
I've learned mostly with her,but there used to be like
consequences, you can't do thisand you can't do this, and hold
(05:33):
off from doing this and doingthat, and you know, and that was
cool at a certain age.
But then, when she became olderand she had abstract thought, a
lot of those things no longerbecame valuable as a teacher for
her, and what started to happenis I would give her advice and
she would make decisionsopposite of that and I would
tell her what could possiblyhappen.
And if you choose this, this iswhat the outcome will be,
(05:56):
whether it be with grades,whether it be with school,
whether it be with friends, andthey all kind of you know, just
kind of played its part and thatmade more of a difference in
her life and what decisions shemakes now and how she's changed
over time than anything thatI've ever done earlier in her
life of like punishment fromthis, taking from this and doing
this and this.
(06:17):
So if your child forget theirlunch, they will remember it
next time better than if youyell at them for forgetting
their lunch.
With AB, with my 10 year old, Itend to do this a lot better
with um because you know he'she's learning a lot about life.
So, whereas with my 16-year-old, I would just when she was
younger I would get upset, youknow tell her all these
(06:41):
different things with the hopethat she would learn that in the
moment, whereas now with my10-year-old.
I'm like, hey, if you know, Itold you to take the trash out.
Now we don't have a place toput our trash.
Or you were supposed to do thedishes.
You didn't do the dishes.
No matter what the excuse is,now we don't have as many dishes
to eat with during a weekbecause you didn't do your
(07:03):
dishes yesterday and now we'rebehind or like something of that
nature.
Just some natural consequencesto, but calling out the natural
consequences to their decisionsrather than yelling at them and
getting upset.
And this is something this nextone is something I really love
to do because it allows me tohave an agreement with my kids.
(07:25):
So create a clear agreement,not threats, like kids feel
respected and understood andthey are able to understand
what's expected.
So let's talk about bedtimetogether.
What happens when it's notfollowed, you know, like having
a conversation about what itlooks like.
So with my son, I know that my10 year old.
(07:45):
I know that if he doesn't go tobed at 8.30, 8.45, the latest,
he will have a hard time wakingup and he'll feel a little
groggy.
He'll have a hard time.
He may not even make the schoolbus and if he misses the school
bus then it kind of disruptsthe entire day of our morning
and so we talk about thosethings and his bedtime has
(08:09):
decreased from like 9, 30 tobeing 8 30 because of that.
Because we were trying to find abalance and I was making it
about I'm wanting him to be ableto get up for school and have a
good day, instead of me saying,you know, getting upset, you
missed the bus and you blah,blah, blah, and like I don't
even get mad.
I don't even get mad these daysabout it.
I just kind of just hey, thisis what we talked about.
(08:30):
You know, I just kind of justhey, this is what we talked
about.
I just kind of refer back toour agreement and those things
kind of like, believe it or not,this doesn't sound like what a
person would discipline from,but these are things that you
can use to find a balance in theway that you discipline.
These are not going tocompletely replace the way that
you discipline, but they willhelp you find a balance.
(08:52):
Whereas most kids, they startbecoming rebellious and angry
and upset at their parentsbecause their parents don't
understand them or their daddon't understand them, because a
lot of people look at a dadfigure as being a disciplinary,
and discipline is a balance.
It's not just a I'm going tobeat your ass every time you do
something or I'm going to yellat you.
I'm going to be here to makeyou feel bad about something
(09:14):
that you did.
It's teaching, it's making yourkids a disciple of you.
So let's talk about the fourthone.
We can reflect.
Like I said before, we canreflect, but we don't have to
lecture After you talk for about, like kids to attention span
these days, or a few minutes,max 30 minutes, they'll shut
(09:36):
down completely and we'retalking all out the woo-ha for a
long periods of time, hopingthat they learn.
And when I tell you, I am alecturer, I can teach and I can
talk.
That's why I have a podcast.
I can talk for a long time andI used to lecture my kids so
much and I realized it wasgetting nowhere because they
(09:57):
didn't really, you know, obtainanything that I said I was just
venting for the whole portion ofthe time.
So instead of venting on yourkids like reflect, don't lecture
.
So kids tune out lectures butengage when they're part of the
(10:18):
conversation.
So make it a back and forwardabout how, like, getting them
from cause to effect with theirown minds helps.
The conversation becomes moredigested by them because they're
guiding their brain and theirthought rather than you forcing
their brain and their thought.
After they turn like 11, theystart becoming abstract thinkers
(10:40):
and it seems like they'rebecoming rebellious or they're
becoming a teenager, but more sothey're becoming an abstract
thinker, which means that theyneed to guide their own selves
through their thought.
They're practicing andexercising that muscle of the
amygdala and the prefrontalcortex.
They're exercising that to makeit stronger and they're going
to make mistakes.
But in order for their mistakesto be a lesson, they have to go
(11:02):
through it themselves.
So you can try things like whatdo you think you could do
differently next time, likewe've seen what happened now.
You did this.
This is the outcome what do youthink could be done differently
next time and what outcomewould you expect from that?
And they will take that andthey will digest that, whatever
(11:25):
they talk through.
And they will take that andthey will digest that, whatever
they talk through.
You're just there to listen andhear them.
Like talk a little bit less,you will have less stress, your
blood pressure will go down, youwill thank me.
And the last one is probablythe most important one that I
can tell you guys, and it's youhave to model emotional
regulation.
(11:45):
Model your emotional regulation.
Your kids have to see that whatthey did did not completely
tear down the fabric of theirfamily, that what they did was a
decision that kids make, andkids make similar decisions out
(12:06):
of curiosity.
And children mirror us.
They will see how we'rereacting and they will learn to
react that way in those highemotional situations.
This isn't to say that youshould not be emotional, but you
can say that I, you know, hey,you did this thing.
(12:26):
If it personally affects you,like, hey, there's this thing
that you did and it made me feelthis way, made me feel like
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah andmoving forward.
I would like to not have thatbe our relationship, something
as simple as that.
That's not the answer to allthings, but I'm just saying you
(12:47):
can try.
I need a moment to calm down soI can respond the right way.
Take a step back and talk aboutit.
When you're ready to talk aboutit.
It's okay to be upset with yourkids.
What I'm telling you is not tonot be upset.
The thing I'm telling you is isto regulate your emotions, feel
through it.
Regulating doesn't meansuppressing.
(13:07):
It means to feel through it,navigate your thoughts, get the
right thoughts in tune.
And I'll tell you, there was apoint in time when my
relationship with my daughterwas terrible and I'm like I
thought I've been close to herthis whole time and I just
started learning my daughter ina different way, all the
(13:28):
decisions that she was makingand, like you know, as she's
becoming a teenager and we didan episode on this overcoming
teen self-harm healing with mydaughter.
It was, it was scary and I hadto deal with a lot of.
I had to regulate my emotionsso much when I'm, I tell you, my
blood pressure was up, lord, Iwas out of there.
I was out of there so much.
(13:49):
But these tools aren't all,aren't about being soft, they're
about being strong in yourleadership and grounded in your
emotional intelligence.
So here's a moment in my lifeand when I tell you I've learned
so much with my teenager.
But there was a period of timewhen my teenager would talk back
(14:11):
, had a disrespectful tone, shewould cut her eyes, not make eye
contact, the whole nine, andthe old me like I'm not going to
lie, I'm not going to lie, Iwould have snapped.
I would have raised my voice,maybe taken something away to
teach a lesson.
I would have talked for a longtime and it wouldn't even have
been about what she did, but howshe's reacting in this moment.
(14:32):
Oh, I would talk two hours,three hours, easy.
But instead I started pausing.
I would say things like look,you seem frustrated, let's just
talk, we're both ready.
I had to detach myself away fromthe situation because I felt I
realized that the situation wasnot ideal for her and,
understanding that she doesn'tlike the fact that she's in
(14:53):
trouble, I want her to get theinformation that I want her to
get.
I want her to get my ego.
And later we sat down and sheadmitted that she was
embarrassed about the thing thatshe had did at school that day,
and me bringing it up againobviously would regurgitate
those feelings.
But had I punished right away,I never would have gotten to
(15:14):
that truth and, more importantly, she never would have felt safe
to share it.
And that moment wasn't aboutbehavior, it was about trust.
That's a shift that we'remaking.
We want our kids to trust us sothat they can talk to us about
(15:44):
the.
It could if I made it aboutbeing a punishment situation or
you going to lose out on allthis.
I lose the chance to let hermake the mistake again so that
she can try to make it right thenext time.
You know, like some parents,they'd be like you can't do this
for a month.
You know you can't go here fora year.
(16:06):
That is unrealistic.
Like a kid won't even know whythey're grounded.
After time they just sit therefinding other ways to entertain
themselves and they'll get usedto it.
My brother he was groundedliterally for six years straight
, I feel like, cause he keptcoming to every report card, f
or something of that nature.
He'll get in trouble at school.
It's grounded for more monthsand it never did anything, bro.
(16:29):
It didn't change a thing, hejust got used to it.
No Christmas presents, he gotused to it.
He couldn't take anything awayfrom it at this point.
He had nothing to lose, so itnever really worked.
What I found to work is is thathaving those conversations with
them, allowing them to, givingthem the opportunity to make it
right and do better.
Kids want to be innately good.
Kids want to innately be good.
(16:51):
They make decisions that aren'tideal for parents, aren't ideal
for you know, representing theparent, but in reality, they're
their own person and they'renavigating this world as crazy
as we have to navigate it or arestill navigating it.
Inflation is real guys.
So today we talked about how we,as fathers, can shift from
(17:14):
punishment to patient,purposeful discipline.
Let's recap the old way ofcontrol through fear no longer
serves us or our children.
Discipline is about teaching,not punishing.
It's about creating disciplesof your children.
Connection, reflection andemotional leadership are the
(17:39):
real tools of a strong father.
So here's your challenge thisweek Choose one of the five
discipline strategies and try itout, whether it's connecting
before correcting, reflectingwith your child or regulating
your own emotions.
Put one new tool into actionand, if you want to dive deeper,
(17:59):
head to 15minuteswithdadcomforward slash discipline for
more tools, tips and printablesyou can use at home.
Next week, we're going to diveeven deeper into a topic every
father needs to hear theprovider trap Redefining success
beyond the paycheck.
Make sure you subscribe to 15Minutes with Dad on your
(18:20):
favorite podcast platform andfollow us on social media at 15
minutes with dad, and make surethat you leave us a comment or
leave us a review on thispodcast so that other people
like yourself could get ahold ofthis podcast until next time.
Lead with patience, teach withlove and discipline with purpose
.
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