Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
hey, what's going on,
you guys?
Speaker 2 (00:04):
my name is lyric and
it's your girl, mariah, and this
is 15 minutes with dad andtoday we are having a really
awesome conversation together.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
uh, mariah has graced
us with her presence again.
Again, yay, high five.
Uh, if you, if you have nottuned in with 15 Minutes with
Dad, just know that we prideourselves in supporting fathers
as they learn to become a betterfather every single day and
(00:34):
learn how to build relationshipswith their family, their kids,
their partners and so forth andso on.
Today we're going to actuallybe talking about something
pretty heavy and if, just as atrigger warning, if you are
having mental health issues orepisodes, make sure that you go
(00:59):
get the help that you need weare going to be talking about
our personal journey through,like coping together in a
father-daughter conversation onteen self-harm, because it's
real, out here in East Greets,people are really going through
this and we went through thisand we felt that it was very
important to have this kind ofconversation with other people
(01:22):
as well.
So let's get into it with otherpeople as well.
So let's get into it.
So let's begin with anintroduction and why this
conversation matters for uspersonally us personally and why
I think it would be good forthe audience.
So for and I'll start off,actually I talked enough.
(01:44):
How about you talk?
Because we missed your voice,miss hearing you.
Uh, great, let me hear it.
Just grace us with the sound.
Okay, that's it, that's itthat's all I needed to hear.
Uh, no, go ahead.
I'm sorry.
Why is this conversation?
Why does this conversationmatter?
Like, why is it?
Is it important to you to havethis conversation?
(02:04):
Because you thought of thistopic?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I think that's
important because I feel like a
lot of parents go through this.
We went through this as welland we've come out on the other
side a lot better and we havebetter coping, like exercises,
(02:29):
and we have better communicationabout it.
We have like all this stuffthat like like I think that
would be helpful for andbeneficial for other people to
understand so they're not goinginto this whole thing like blind
, not blindsided, but likeuninformed.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Yeah, yeah,
uninformed, I agree.
On a personal note, it hitsstraight home, um, because it
was a.
It was a journey and it wasyears of time that we had to
navigate it.
So it was a a huge phase thatwe had to work through.
But I'm I'm really excited tobe able to have this
conversation because it was atime where me personally, I
(03:06):
thought that I wasn't a goodfather.
I had all the differenttriggers and we'll talk about
that through here.
But there is hope and I justwant to let you know that this
is a safe space for teens andfor dads and for navigating the
complexities of self-harm.
So just know that this is asafe space and we will be candid
(03:28):
as we can, but we'll also openit up for questions.
So just want to let you knowanother warning like I'm
encouraging you to prioritizeyour wellbeing, do not go
through this conversation.
Do not, if it triggers you inany sort of way, make sure that
you get the help that you need.
So there is hope and we'regoing to get into understanding,
(03:53):
coping and healing.
So let's share your personaljourney.
Let's start with your personaljourney.
How did you first or how didyou experience overwhelming
emotions and what led you to umthose previous kind of coping
behaviors um well, so it startedin like fifth grade and I think
(04:16):
what kind of like led to it waslike.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
it was like I wasn't
like, felt like I like I don't
know how to explain Like I'm notsaying like, oh, I didn't get
the love that I needed, but Idid feel like I was kind of not
neglected, but I wasn't gettingthe attention that I needed.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
You can be fair, be
candid as you want, because I'm
candid on the other side.
So nobody, no secrets here.
So, yeah, maybe some secrets,but no secrets.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
I felt like kind of
neglected and I felt like I
couldn't go to anybody.
So I feel like I was goingthrough all these like emotions,
like I was at a new school, wehad just moved like up here to
Ohio and I just like, instead oflike I felt like I couldn't
really talk to anybody about itbecause, I don't know, I felt
(05:07):
like that was kind of like a mething.
I don't like you didn'tpurposely make me feel like like
, oh, like I don't love you oranything, like I still felt the
love, but I felt like Ipersonally didn't feel like I
could talk to anybody,especially because, like this
was like a new thing for me andall that stuff.
So you were.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
You were were uh
early on in age and like like 11
, 10.
I was like 10, yeah 10 years old, and so we were like we were.
It was a lot of changes takingplace.
I was in a blended family Uh,she had to share my love for the
like fully for the for thefirst time, like with other uh
kids that also looked up to meas dad, and then we were
(05:45):
navigating all their traumas aswell, and so, like it was a
really tough time.
My transitioning was hard tooand I was also depressed and I
wasn't able to be there with her.
But, like that time period andI tell you this, we didn't.
I didn't notice, I didn'tnotice it.
(06:08):
Um, she was using a lot ofsocial media.
Then we were trying to, we were.
I was looking like she was like, you know, doing bad, like
failing in school or like notreally caring about school, um,
and I didn't know that she wasself-harming, um, but you know,
she didn't really care aboutherself.
She wasn't taking showers.
She was like let me not put youout there like that I was like
(06:28):
dang okay I was like guys therewere signs.
There were signs that I did notum, take heed, and it wasn't
vocal um, but what was thethings that I was doing?
That I thought I was helpingwas actually like surface level,
uh, where we remember thatstudy I made you read about the
(06:50):
social media and its impact onbrains.
And so we did, we did I had aread through that.
We talked to social media.
I started limiting her socialmedia, but it was just that was
only the icing on the cake.
You know, like, I mean like thetip of the iceberg.
I mean, uh, in regards to thatand so, um, her coping behaviors
(07:10):
was unknown to me, um, and Ididn't even know that, like, hey
, you're probably gonna like atthis at that age, that those are
the type of things that isnormal.
So I just want to say that toparents like, like, when a kid
is 10, 11, their brains areopening up to a whole new world
and it's important that you arealong for the journey, because
(07:37):
they're seeing themselves in aspace, in a world, and really
trying to figure out, like, hey,who am I Like, why am I here?
And then, every time you get introuble, it's like, bro, why am
I going through this?
I like, why am I here?
And and then, every time youget in trouble, it's like, bro,
why am I going through this?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
like, why am I?
Speaker 1 (07:49):
even here for this,
like I don't even have to be
here.
You know, like that realself-actualizing, so and and
like, what was it like to openup when?
Let me just start off but saythere was no opening?
There wasn't an open up, it wasmore of like a forced opening,
(08:09):
um, and it wasn't pretty uh toto kind of get that, to get that
door cracked open.
It was more like it was at a,at a turning point where, um,
and you can tell about yourjourney, like where, where, like
leading up to the point of likeopening up and like how it made
(08:32):
you feel, or like what made youfeel safe enough to start
opening up more well, like Iknow, at the beginning, like
when you first found out, it waslike I told my counselor and
she told you and I remember youpicked me up from school early
that day and I was so scared youwere gonna be mad because I
didn't tell you.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
But then I feel like
after that first conversation,
like I feel like it really kindof helped me, like like I
realized like, oh, like I wasn'tgonna get in trouble for this,
you know, like it wasn'tsomething I was gonna be
punished for, but more likehelped, like I was gonna be more
helped, you know, and I feellike that like kind of helped me
(09:17):
talk to you a lot more about it, like being more open on when
you say it.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
We haven't even named
it.
What was, what was it?
What was it that your counselordid that?
It?
What was, what was it?
What was it that your counselordid that?
And then she called me likewhat was it?
She did like an assessment onyour, your um, suicidal ideation
, so like how a self-harm wait,like in seventh grade or eighth
grade.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Yeah, so basically
yeah.
So my counselor called me downduring class and basically did
like an assessment to see if Iwas at a risk.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
It was mental health
week at school as well, right,
wasn't it?
No, like it was like they weredoing.
They were, they did, did likethey sent, like a letter into
your class and then everybodyfilled out a little paper and
then they got back to her andthen then she did an assessment
further oh, yeah, yeah yeah thatwas like another time, though
that was different.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
This was like you saw
the scars and you like, told
the counselor, you called, youcalled the school about it you
told the school about it and oh,that was another time.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Yeah, yeah, it's been
a journey it's been a journey,
so yeah but how did I find thescars?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
it was because, um, I
think like there's like this
time it was like after the danceand I had shorts on.
I think it was these shorts onand like I was asleep or
something like on the floor andyou said, like you've seen them
like cuts and I had band-aidsand all that stuff oh yeah, yeah
(10:56):
, I've suppressed all thattrauma at this point.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
I know it was bad so
let's kind of then kind of reel
it back in.
So you were saying that youbegin to feel safe.
When I approached you in ahelping manner and not a I'm
upset manner, yeah, and from afather's perspective, I was
afraid, I was scared, I was soafraid to lose my child.
(11:22):
I was so afraid to lose mychild and that was like I called
the school because I was like Ineed help.
I don't have, I don't knowwhere to go from here.
I've never dealt with thisbefore with my child and we've
been like I got help in themiddle school and then we
(11:43):
transferred and kind of likekept some support in, uh, in
high school as well, and fordifferent stages of of her life
and and because they're all notthe same.
But but I would say that thatcry out to the, to the um, the
counselor, in that moment waslike the best thing I probably
ever could have did at that time.
(12:05):
Yeah, um, because I, like youknow, some parents egos will
burn up and be like I don'tteach my child to do that or
that's for this, or, like youknow, like some cultures kind of
look at mental health problemsas being like a sickness or
illness or as because you'redoing this, it was because
you're doing this or it'sbecause you're doing that, but
it was more of like how do Isave my child?
(12:27):
Um, and so that's a great point.
And like the signs that like,obviously I saw cuts, but that
was, that's the end game, that'slike the that's the deep into
it moment, like there are signs,um, that kind of lead up to
those moments and but I was likelucky enough to catch or see
(12:52):
something that alarmed me, um,where she had an extensive
amount of like, um, you know,the self-harm cups which, if you
, a lot of teenagers are doingit like that, like little nicks
and not like cutting otherwrists, like back in the day, we
used, you know when, when we'reolder, the goth people, they,
(13:13):
you know, like people would like.
You know, suicide wasn't, itwas just a thing that just
randomly happened and it seemedthat way, uh, but now kids have
information and like access tothings and that they can use to
harm, like the tool, like thetools that you were making
(13:35):
makeshifting to do the thing iswhat is alarmed me more than
anything like I feel like I wasdoing whatever I could just like
be able to do.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
that Like I broke
razors just to get the razor out
and like pencil sharpeners.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Yeah, everything's
sharp, bro I was.
I was on every like she wasbubbled up.
I had like bubble wrap oneverything like bubble wrap on
her and like no, no sharpobjects in the house.
Like I got rid of all my knives.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
And I could tell you
there were moments and I I made
sure that I like poured loveinto her as much as I possibly
could during that time and eventhough, like I held her
accountable, so it wasn't like asoft approach, right, like we
didn't, like I wasn't like a hey, I know you're going through it
(14:31):
, I just want to make sureyou're good, I'll give you your
space.
No, I was all up in her stuff.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
I couldn't even close
my door.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
No, she couldn't
close her door like like she
took a shower.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
I timed it yeah, I
had to ask to take a shower.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Yeah, to let him know
I was taking a shower you can't
just be jumping in the shower,you don't, don't be staying in
there too long because I don'tknow what you're doing in there.
Um, but I invaded her privacy.
But we talked throughout theentirety of it of like why I'm
invading her privacy, because Idon't trust her with herself.
And when I tell you, like forparents that are scared to
(15:10):
approach their kids, or for youparents that are scared to kind
of like, go you know and be allup in their shit, kids still
appreciate that part, like mydaughter see me fighting for her
life, and so she fought too.
And I think that like it went along way to see that, even
(15:33):
though it convinced, itinconvenienced me, I didn't care
.
Like there were things that,like I, like I picked her up
from up from school, she, shecouldn't hang out with certain
friends anymore.
Like I was there, she couldn't.
Like I would pick her up, Iwould leave from work, pick her
up, drop her off.
She literally went nowherewithout me being there and she
(15:54):
wasn't even allowed to be in herroom for a certain amount of
time.
Like she didn't go to a roomuntil bedtime I remember that
like I was, because I was soafraid I didn't know what the
next move would be, um, butthere's a moment when things
kind of shift and we noticed ashift and it's like she's
(16:16):
smiling more, she's being morelike she's positively talking
about herself, or she startsnoticing she, you started
noticing your friends and andhow they are not good in that
regard you know, um.
So let's, let's talk about um.
Actually, let me drive intolike mistakes that I think that
(16:37):
I made when, when I got upset atthe timing of your progression
Like when you, when I didn'tfeel like you were changed or
shifting fast enough or anythingthat I was doing was working
fast enough it made me morefrustrated or like more um, like
(16:59):
aggressive on things that Ilike how I didn't want you to
like do anything, like yourfreedoms were gone, but I was, I
was, I feel like what I didwrong was is that when you felt,
when you could sense how angryI was at how you were talking
about yourself or feeling aboutyourself, or like you know, I
(17:19):
was desperate and I and I feellike I those are being in that
desperation I made some.
Maybe talk to you in a way thatcould do was counterintuitive,
and I had to go back and figureit out and then come back and
talk to you, and so those weresome mistakes.
It's like making sure that I'mdeliberate about my language but
deliberate about my actions aswell.
(17:39):
And then I got.
I finally got a.
I had to get therapy as well tokind of help me understand how
to like be there and cope withher, so like, and when I'm
talking about emotions, likewhat were some emotions when you
were going through um, likewhen you were trying to navigate
(18:00):
that space or you seen me therein your, in everything- I think
I was at like first.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
I think I was like
really agitated because I'm like
, bro, why are you here all thetime?
Like I feel like, not like Iwas overwhelmed by your presence
, but I was overwhelmed by yourpresence.
But I was overwhelmed by yourpresence.
Like you were just there, youknow, and like like at first I
was just like like this is doingtoo much, you know.
But then I feel like like afterlike a couple of days or
(18:28):
something like that, I was like,oh yeah, I like I understand
why you're doing that and like Ilike realized like that, is you
fighting for me when I'm like,when it's hard for me to fight
for myself, you know?
Then I think that was extremelyhelpful for me, because I was
like like I didn't want you tobe pushing for me, but I start,
(18:49):
I just give up on myself, youknow, and that's just going to
be like you putting all thiswork and all this time and all
this money for nothing, you know.
And I feel like that was likeextremely helpful.
But like during that time, Idid feel like why are you here?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
Like like leave and
we fought so much.
And another one of my mistakeswas arguing with you during
those times, like I let you kindof guide the conversations,
knowing that it's uncomfortablefor you.
I kind of fell into thoseconversations where I'm trying
to explain myself or, like youknow, make you understand why
(19:28):
I'm doing what I'm doing.
But when I say I was aggressive, I was in there, bro I was like
no bro, where are you breathingtowards?
Don't even breathe in thatdirection why are you looking
over there?
yeah, that air ain't even goodfor you.
We over here, we over here withthis, but yeah, so like, um,
(19:49):
like there are somemisconceptions about kids that
are doing this.
Do you feel like, or do youknow of any misconceptions that
people have of kids that aredoing the self-harm stuff?
Speaker 2 (20:10):
I think a really
common misconception or whatever
is people thinking that likepeople, like kids, are doing
that for attention you knowthat's a good one.
Like they're not doing it forattention.
It's more of a cry for helpLike that, like like it's a way
to get your attention.
Not like attention, like likeoh my gosh, like what happened.
(20:33):
It's more trying to get yourattention to see that they're in
pain and that they need yourhelp and they need your love and
they need you to be pouringinto them more.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Like I think that is
like a really common common
misconception, and I think thatI had that misconception, um,
earlier on, and it wasn't untilthere were an extreme amount of
of them, because I think we hada talk about it earlier on a
(21:05):
couple times where I was like,hey, stop doing it.
Like why are you doing it?
Like you know, I'm thinkingthat it's you know, you're just
doing it because it's a trendand everybody else is doing it.
But in reality, like it becamethis thing, like whenever you
felt any emotion, yeah, you didit and and I didn't notice that
you just didn't have copingskills.
(21:25):
Um, and I mean, when I I readbooks, guys, yeah, I read, I
read books.
I well, I listened to podcasts,therapy, I had to educate
myself on how to save my child,because this did not come with a
book manual and all this.
But I read books just so I canbe able to talk in a way that
(21:52):
made sense and not for my ego.
Ego.
And some kids, I think, turn toself-harm, like you said, one
because it's a cry for help,like they're feeling something
and they don't know how tonavigate those emotions.
(22:13):
And the reality is, when kidsare turning teens, they're
having an explosive amount ofemotions, uh, and when you have.
There's different ways thatpeople tend to cope with things.
Like you know, you may findsomebody that's in, you know,
like, oh, I'm gonna work out, orI'm gonna go do this other
thing, or I'm gonna go take thiswalk, or I'm gonna be in this
sport, or I like to do this, andthis is my escape.
Mariah was in all of those.
(22:33):
She was in sports, uh, sheworked out, um, and all of that
stuff, but it was like sheturned herself home because
literally there was emotions andshe had in those complex
emotions it wasn't like happy,sad, it was more like
anxiousness, like the complexones that you really can't
(22:54):
explain.
You just feel it, you know, andkind of like and I'm not trying
to talk for you, but like ohyeah um, this is what I've
learned, but like, teens tend toturn to this because they have
no actual skills to cope with.
Um, and when I say like, likecoping, I'm talking about like
(23:15):
breathing techniques.
I'm talking about, um, likethese weird things that people
may think are like for crazypeople, but it's not, it's for
everybody.
I do that too.
Um, so like, can you talk aboutthe like, the silent battle
that many teens face, thatparents may miss for the most
(23:40):
part?
Like, and you can talk aboutlike from your own personal
experience where things whereyou feel like I miss and I don't
understand, even right today,because I'm still learning you
every day.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
So um, I think, wait,
what was the first question?
Speaker 1 (23:55):
it was like what, um
like, what are some of the
silent battles that you thinkthat teens go through, that
parents may miss?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
I feel like something
teens go through that parents
would miss would be like they'regoing through so much anxiety,
you know, at school and then ifthey're doing a sport like
balancing that and then homeworkor like if they're in any other
extracurricular activities.
It's like that anxiety and allthat stuff and then also
(24:29):
comparing ourselves with a lotof people, like different people
.
I feel like that's somethingthat I go through a lot and that
is definitely a battle that Igo through is comparing myself
like is definitely a battle thatI go through is comparing
myself, like, oh, I don't thinkI'm beautiful because this
person's prettier, this person'sprettier, this person, you know
.
But I think, like, like,especially with social media and
(24:51):
stuff, like that is really yeah, yeah you see a lot of.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
You see a lot of
different people a lot of
different people, a lot ofdifferent looks.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
A lot of different
lives.
You're like, oh, I wish, I wantthat, I want that.
And they start feeling.
They start feeling like notdesperate, but they start
feeling like.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Hopeless.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Yeah, that's fair,
and I think a lot of parents
tend to let social media justrun free in their kid's life
because it entertains them.
But we've had a love-haterelationship with social media.
I think that we've grown alittle bit better.
We still, like you, notice whenit's affecting you and I think
that you probably do a betterjob of like managing it now.
(25:38):
You probably do a better job oflike, um, managing it now,
whereas before, like you know itwas, it was, it was a love-hate
relationship, like social mediaand and I and I and I didn't
like, I didn't know, I didn'tunderstand much about social
media until you got into it,like when musically was out, I
had no idea what the heckmusically was and like I thought
(25:59):
she was just making videos tobe, you know, cool, but she was
literally out here being seen bymillions of people and I didn't
even know, or you know, orpotentially millions of people,
until then I noticed, I learned,I learned what it was.
I was like holy crap.
And then ever since then it'sbeen downhill, literally.
But we're on tiktok now, sowe're trying to figure out.
But I just want to take amoment and, just for parents
(26:22):
that are in the middle of it, Iwant to take a moment and
reassure you that I'moverlooking this one.
I want to reassure you thatthere is hope.
Struggling a kid strugglingmeans that they're still
fighting Doesn't mean thatthey're broken or that they
(26:42):
cannot be fixed.
It requires your patience, yourlove and understanding that what
they're going through like thestuff that Mariah just mentioned
, like going through thecomparisons of themselves, like
our language matters.
Imagine your child coming homeafter feeling inadequate or
(27:05):
incapable and they come home andwe also say that they're not
good enough and we also comparethem to someone else.
It kind of reinforces thenegative that they experience
and it's important that we learnto talk with love and
affirmations.
(27:26):
And that's something that I hadto learn is I had to watch my
tongue and how I talk and bemindful that kids aren't made of
steel and even if they are madeof steel, steel can bend, steel
can break, steel can be shaveddown and when we are negligent
with our words, it does that.
(27:46):
So let's talk about copingstrategies.
I think that everybody wants toknow how, what are things that
you did and what are things thatI did as a parent to help you
through your coping.
So what are some things?
Speaker 2 (28:07):
that you did to cope,
that you found that were
helpful.
I think the therapy was reallyhelpful for me, like being able
to talk to someone outside ofyou, because I feel like what,
if I wanted to talk about you no, I'm joking, I ain't man, I ain
talk about you down, joke, no,but um, that, um.
And whenever we went to thehospital and they like were
asking me like or not asking,but we like came up with some
(28:29):
things too, and one of them waslike listening to music.
I think listening to music hasbeen really helpful in my life
because I I feel like likethere's like like all types of
music for whatever you'refeeling.
So I feel like that kind ofhelps me and it's like you know,
you can't be sad, and listeningto hype music, like that's just
, that just can't happen.
So I feel like if I'm down,like I'll like listen to some,
(28:52):
you know some hype music andI'll be like I'll be fine, like
you know, know like, or if I'mlike sometimes I'll just listen
to sad music, I'll just sit init, you know, because sometimes
you just gotta sit in it.
But, um, that was reallyhelpful for me too and us, like
you remember whenever we didthose like check-ins, daily
check-ins and stuff those werelike really helpful.
(29:13):
Like we talked about our highsand the low and three things I
liked about myself.
I remember that I think thatwas like really helpful for me
as well, because I was, I had toreally think and I had to give
myself like affirmations.
You know, it's different whenit's coming from somebody else
and coming from yourself,because when it's coming from
yourself then it's like it's inyou, you know, and so like you
(29:34):
like, if it's like from somebodyelse, you know you can be like,
oh, you're just lying.
Like if it's like from somebodyelse, you know you can be like,
oh, you're just lying, but ifit's like from you, you got it,
you have to see it you know, inorder to actually think it.
So I feel like like that waslike really helpful for me as
well, and that's like talkingthrough the day and talking and
I feel like the communicationwas really the best part.
Like was really like whathelped me a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Yeah, yeah, yeah part
like was really like what
helped me a lot, yeah, yeah,yeah, the that's um, that's
that's a lot of great points andand I'll touch base on, like
what you said what one of thetactics that you mentioned, like
the, uh, the check-ins.
I really enjoyed the check-ins,um, because I would normally
before then I would, you know,send my daughter to school and I
(30:20):
would go to work and then we'lltalk about it when we get home
and she's going through life atschool.
And so I started as a parentI'm going to tell you what I,
what I did to kind of helpcreate like this holistic,
well-rounded approach.
So there's, she spent most ofher time at school.
(30:40):
So my thought process was sheneeds resources at school.
Luckily, she has a, you know acounselor at school and that has
other you know resources thatcome in to kind of like engage
with the kids.
So she has a counselor atschool that I was able to have a
(31:00):
build a relationship with andlet her know like, hey, this is
what we're working on.
And so she did check-ins,regular check-ins with Mariah as
well, when she gave her a spacewhere, if things get crazy and
she needed to step away, thatshe had a place to go, that she
could go and work through hercoping strategies.
So, and she used it.
The beautiful thing go that shecould go and and and work
through her coping strategies.
So, and she used it.
The the beautiful thing is thatshe used it, um, and so that's
(31:25):
in school.
And then, while she's in schoolthroughout her day, um, I would
you know, we did daily check-insand for a moment at first it
was like you know, um, she wasjust doing it to do it.
I know she didn't want to do it, it was doing too much, but I
was like you know, I asked herwhat is a high that's happened
so far in your day?
(31:45):
What is a low that's happenedso far in your day?
And then give me three thingsthat you like about yourself.
And I asked her to do that.
That wasn't in a book anywhere.
That's game.
Y'all got to pay me for thatone.
But no like, what I did was isI kept her engaging with
affirmations, so she had to lookat herself positively, in a
(32:10):
positive light, even if she wasmaking it up.
She had to kind of pull thatfrom somewhere to text it to me,
and we did that for a long time, until the point where it was
like it became a habit.
It was just a normal thing.
We knew that at 12 o'clock it'stime to talk, time to check in,
(32:32):
and that was that was what wedid.
And outside of that, there wasa period where she was going to
a therapist outside as well.
So I had her an externaltherapist that she had sessions
with.
I made sure that we hadconversations about mental
health on a regular basis, likeif I'm asking her hey, how are
(32:53):
you dealing with this?
So understanding that she has asituation of dealing with or
coping with stressful situations.
So when stressful situationsare on its way, we talk about it
.
When she is going to have astressful situation, or when you
were having a stressfulsituation, we talked about it.
(33:13):
Whether it's like dealing withfriends, dealing with people, we
talked about it and I spent Itried to spend more time
listening than I was talking,and when she said communication,
I just showed up.
I had to shut up.
That was the communication.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Learned eventually.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Yeah, I had to shut
up and I'm still working on
shutting up, but I'm I'm doing abetter job of having I can, I
can have a conversation abouthow she feels easier, and it's a
regular thing, like we, we talkabout more about how we feel
about things than what it isthat happened, and so, um, I can
(33:52):
tell you that me and me andMariah has, uh, even closer, but
I used to think, like we wereso close back then and then,
when I was in the midst offighting for her, like when I
say 365 days, but like we count,she taught she, she kept track.
She was like it's been, you know, she kept a tally of every day,
(34:15):
of how many days that you didnot self-harm in the first, like
what?
400, and some day, 450 days,almost, yeah, 460, 470 days.
But she literally tallied inevery milestone.
We celebrated, yeah, like wecelebrated on her 100th, 200th,
(34:37):
wait, yeah, 300th, 357th, andlike, like, uh, we celebrated
those milestones.
I was there, we were theretogether celebrating the fact
that she did not want and as shegot further from it, like,
maybe I think you can explainhow was, like, the first, maybe
250 days of like, not doing it.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
I felt like it was
hard, like really hard, because
it became like an addiction forme.
You know that was like not mysafe haven, but that was like
something I felt like I could goback to.
You know like, if like I likesomething kind of like made me
feel upset, your copingstrategies didn't work.
Speaker 1 (35:15):
You were like me feel
upset.
Any of your coping strategiesdidn't work.
You were like I'm just going todo it yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
So I feel like not
doing it was hard, but like it
kind of became a habit to not doit.
You know, like I sometimes Iforget I even did that.
You know, I forget that waseven a thing that happened.
And like all that stuff, likeit wasn't really like.
Like it wasn't something thatwas like in my head.
(35:43):
That's like, oh, I need to dothis today, I need to do this
today.
Like, like it was like yeah,like it wasn't something I would
like before I would kind oflook forward to it, but like
afterwards I wouldn't like.
That was like something Iwasn't even in my mind at the
point.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
Yeah, and and I and I
would tell you from my
perspective it was I was gladand even though we were at 250,
even though we got to 357, Istill was on alert, like I'm I
think I'm, I'm on alert now,like I'm on alert even right
(36:20):
today.
If I see like, oh, like she had, would you have the nail
clippers, oh yeah, in your bed,or something, I was like, I
looked in.
If I see like, oh, like she had, would you have the nail
clippers, oh yeah, in your bed,or something, I was like, I
looked in there, I was likethey've got some sharp objects
here, what you got, what you gotthis for, you know, like, and I
held it up, like it was drugs,like what you, what you doing
with this, right, like clippingmy nails, bro, like I gotta
clean them.
I was like, oh, my bad, you'reright.
(36:40):
Um, so, like, quite like, let'sgo to.
I want to talk about like, um,and we, and she talked about
that, she talked about her, likethe fact that she built a habit
, um, aside from how I supported, or I was involved in that
support of that, that, thathabit building, what are you,
(37:03):
what are some things that you,that you did that kind of helped
you, like you personally thathelped you get away from it, or
like help you keep your mindaway from those things as habits
that you built as a habitduring that time, um, I think it
was I.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
I kind of like gave
myself like the why, like like
not the why, but like why to notdo it.
You know, like it was like,like I have these other
resources I can use and like Idon't want, I don't want to do
it because it affects otherpeople other than myself.
(37:41):
You know, like yeah, I'm doingit to myself myself, but it also
affects you, and thinking likeon how you feel, like as a
father, you know you're like, oh, I'm like failing my child
because she is doing this, andso I think that was my why to
not do.
It was because, like I didn'twant to hurt anybody else by
(38:01):
hurting myself and yeah, why doyou not do it now?
why do I not do it now?
Because I mean, that's just notsomething I feel like I have to
revert back to.
You know, I feel like I'm in abetter mental space, that like I
don't like.
(38:22):
I don't feel the need to do it,I don't feel the want to do it,
I don't feel the want to do itlike and stuff, and I feel like
I can come to you a lot likemore like I feel like I come to
you a lot more than I used tolike about like any situations
like like irritating me or likesomething like this somebody
said this, something like thishappened at school or something
like that.
I feel like I can come to you alot more than just holding it
(38:46):
into myself, because I feel like, whenever I was holding it in
and I wasn't talking to anybody,like I would tell you stuff but
I wouldn't tell you the depthof it yeah, but because I'll be
like oh yeah, I know that, Iknow that, like when I want to.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
When your counselor
came, she was like, oh, did you
hear about that?
I was like, oh yeah, I knowthis, but did you know this?
And I was like, oh, I didn'tknow that part.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
She should tell me
that part yeah, I feel like that
, like telling you, reallyhelped a lot like talking to you
, talking to me about thedetails of the situations and
how it made you feel.
Speaker 1 (39:19):
And and I think now,
even when things like this, to
be fair or to be honest withy'all, it's not about this whole
thing that we're talking about.
It's not saying that your childwon't feel those feelings ever
again.
This is specifically talkingabout that.
They will be stronger, theycould be stronger, in coping
with those feelings, becausesometimes, mariah, she still
(39:43):
reaches out to me at randomtimes and be like dad, I'm
having a hard time dealing withthis, or like I'm overwhelmed
right now, and you know shewould call me and I would stop
everything at work and I wouldsit with her and tell her you
know, give her some copingstrategies.
If I could, or I would say, hey, like, take a, take a second,
take a breath, go to thebathroom, get some water, throw
it on your face, like whatever.
(40:03):
If, if there was these momentswhere she could not handle it,
she reached out to me and, um,and I would drop everything to
make sure that she's, that shecould get back to what she was
doing.
And then I and I know thatthat's the case and I want to
tell you parents, that if you'reblowing off your child as a, as
(40:24):
a means of inconvenience to saylike, hey, go and figure it out
.
These emotional things teenscan't figure out by themselves.
It's a world that we didn'tteach them for, you can't
prepare them for, because theyjust feel it and they don't know
what to do with these emotions.
So I encourage you to make sureyou keep an open conversation
(40:44):
with your kids.
Speak directly to your teensand let them know how they are
not alone and you are, and letthem know how they are more than
they're struggling.
I think that's how we kind oflike approached it when I had a
conversation and saying like youare feeling these things, you
are doing these things for thesefeelings, but this, this, it
does not define you, um, andthat that character, like
(41:09):
separating the person from thethings that they're doing and
letting know like you did thethings and I'm I care more about
you than the fact that you didthe things, like you're not in
trouble, that you did the things.
I am just here because I amconcerned and I love you and the
goal is to make progress andnot perfection, and so that was
(41:32):
an issue that I had earlier on,because I was expecting that by
me telling her this by metelling her stuff that it would
fix.
It was a practice.
It became a practice as Ilearned I had to be more
involved.
It was a practice.
It became a practice as Ilearned I had to be more
involved.
It became a practice and likewhen you take out perfection and
letting your child know thatthey are going to make more
(41:54):
mistakes, they're going topotentially go back into the
things and we're going to keepon trying, even if that thing
happens is very important.
Even if that thing happens isvery important.
So, like, as you heard Mariahsay, she found a safe person and
(42:17):
she has multiple safe peopleright For different levels of
conversation she can talk to acounselor, she can talk to Alma,
she can talk to me, she cantalk to her friends and she's
kind of dwindled her friend listand have certain people that
she talked to.
But I think that it makes a bigdifference for your child to
(42:40):
have safe people, even if you'renot the one that is safe for
them and I had.
That was probably the hardestthing for me to grasp out of
this whole thing was that I wasnot your protector.
Your village was your protector.
I couldn't protect you bymyself.
(43:01):
I could not protect you bymyself and I had to, literally,
like I never asked for help andit was.
This was one of thosesituations where, like I had no
answers, I couldn't protect youand I had to call, I had to
(43:21):
scream out to the world somebody, I need help, I need some
support and I you know I forgotyour counselor's name, but I
went and had a meeting, you know, having a meeting with her.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
Which one?
Speaker 1 (43:36):
The middle school one
.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
Miss Williams.
Speaker 1 (43:38):
Miss Williams.
Yeah, I had a meeting with herand I walked into this office
I'll tell you all the story,because I love telling stories
walked into this office and Iseen this board, the circle,
this, this matrix of emotionwords, and I looked at these
things and I was, like I onlyknow five, melancholic right
(44:03):
good, bad happen, sad, angry,but it was like like eons of all
these different words, and thatopened me up to even want to do
therapy.
when I seen you struggling, itmade me want to address my
struggle too, because I, as a,I've never healed my inner child
, and the stuff that you weregoing through I never actually
(44:26):
sought support for, and so I'vebeen in therapy now, too, for
almost a year, I think.
So let me go a little furtherhere.
And so we've already talkedabout building a support system,
empowering your teen to choosehealing and making sure that you
(44:48):
are speaking love into yourkids.
Let's talk about some words toleave our listeners for the
journey ahead.
Like what do you want?
(45:08):
What do you?
What do you think teens want intheir journey from their
parents?
Like what do you think theywould like to have from their
parents for kids and this islike a general statement.
It's very hard to as, but it'slike a generalized statement
(45:30):
what do you think that teenswant from their parents when
they're struggling with copingwith emotions?
Speaker 2 (45:39):
I think teens want.
They want like to be able tohave that open communication
without feeling like theirparents are going to be mad or
their parents are going to judgethem, or like their parents are
going to send them away orsomething.
I feel like that was my bigfears.
I thought I was going to besent away.
Speaker 1 (45:55):
I just got money to
ship you off.
Now you stuck.
Speaker 2 (45:59):
Yeah, like, I feel
like, like that is definitely
something like teens want youknow, Like they want to feel
that they are loved still andthat you know, like they're
still your child, they're stillyour baby, like even though,
even if they made a mistake,mm-hmm.
Like they don't want to feeldemeaned.
(46:19):
Is that the word I'm thinkingof?
They don't want to feeldemeaned because of the pain
that they're going through.
That'd be weird, but but like,yeah, they don't want to.
Speaker 1 (46:33):
They don't want to be
judged on their pain, you know
yeah, like that's fair.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
They want to be
understood and like they want to
.
Yeah, they want to beunderstood.
Speaker 1 (46:44):
I feel like that was,
that's a good man, that's,
that's, that's good, and I feellike parents have a hard time
with that we, especially dads,um, because we're not taught to
really understand emotionseither.
Um, yeah, that's, that was somegood, those, some good points.
Understanding, um, you know,loving them throughout all that
(47:07):
pain.
Speaker 2 (47:08):
Did you make a face?
Speaker 1 (47:09):
I caught you Loving
them throughout their pain and
like it takes courage.
So what would you say to teens?
What message would you leaveteens with from this episode?
Speaker 2 (47:47):
knows what I'm
feeling, but in reality,
everybody's like.
I feel, like teens, like wefeel not the same emotions but,
like you know, the samesurrounding emotions, you know.
So you're not alone in it andyou can talk to.
You can talk to your parents,you know, if they're open to it,
if, like, I strongly encourageyou to talk to your parents and,
you know, find friends that youcan talk to about it, like,
(48:07):
even if they're struggling withit as well, y'all can have a
communication with each otherand help each other to get
better and talk to, you know, acounselor.
That was really helpful for mewas talking to somebody in
school.
That was really helpful for mewas talking to somebody in
school, like, if you're like,like because that is where you
(48:27):
spend most of your day is atschool, like, except for
weekends, obviously, but likehaving some support system at
school is extremely helpful.
Having people you can go to,like, even if it's a teacher,
you know like a teacher aid,like you know something like
that, like, like having somebodyto talk to, is so much more
helpful than keeping it in,because keeping it in is just
(48:49):
gonna make it like so much moreworse, because, like you're just
, you're just in your thoughts,but you would also.
You also need to hear thoseoutside words, you know, instead
of having to roam through allthese feelings and all these
emotions by yourself and in yourhead.
Speaker 1 (49:07):
Yeah, yeah that was
good.
Thank you, you might be apodcaster out here might be
should come back on episode more.
I'm gonna show more often ohyeah, for sure but like, let's,
(49:37):
let's be honest, parents, this,these kind of conversations are
not easy.
It's hard to take these, youknow.
Face these extremely hardconversations.
Learn a thing, just like theymay have become independent with
tasks, they can put their ownclothes on, wipe their own butts
, they can.
You know, they're potty trainedthe whole nine.
But they're still your kids.
(49:57):
And the next stage is emotions.
And you have to be able to bethere to have a conversation
with how they cope and navigateemotions and deal with hardship,
and these can lead to deeperconversations.
If you're having trouble withbeing close to your parents, I
can assure you that by startingwith trying to understand the
(50:19):
concept of their emotions andthe feelings, just letting them
talk through it, they'll get tothe solution.
It got to a point where I wasjust like and she would get
herself through to where sheneeded to be and she'll be like
all right, dad, you know, andshe'll just dip, uh, and I won't
see her for another year, butanyways.
But I encourage you to havethese hard conversations, um,
(50:42):
because without them you cannotknow your child the way you want
to know your child and loveyour child.
So healing is messy butpossible, and love is always
worth showing up for.
So make sure that you areshowing up for your child and
with that, thank you for joiningus 15 Minutes with Dad.
(51:05):
My name is Lyric.
Speaker 2 (51:07):
My name is Mariah.
Speaker 1 (51:08):
And this is 15
Minutes with Dad.
Yeah, thank you guys.
Bye.