February 12, 2025 • 23 mins
Have you ever felt the weight of fatherhood pushing you into a mold that doesn’t quite fit? In our latest episode of 15 Minutes with Dad, we reveal how letting go of ego and embracing emotions can help you reclaim your authentic identity as a dad. Join us as we explore transformative strategies that emphasize presence over productivity and redefine what it truly means to be an intentional parent.
Inspired by Jim Murphy’s Inner Excellence, we discuss how fathers can shift from seeking external approval to living with purpose, embracing their inherent worth instead of constantly trying to prove it. Through personal stories and real-life examples, we highlight the power of simple, mindful moments with our children and how surrendering control leads to deeper, more meaningful connections.
This episode challenges the conventional perceptions of parenting and explores how mastering your inner world builds emotional resilience and lasting mental health. We unpack the journey of recognizing your value beyond career success and external accolades, and how leading from a place of self-love and authenticity strengthens both you and your family.
Listen in as we navigate the complexities of ego-driven parenting, co-parenting challenges, and the path toward becoming the best version of yourself. You’ll gain practical insights on developing healthy habits, improving supportive communication, and fostering stronger family bonds through family empowerment.
We invite you to share how these lessons resonate with you and connect with our growing community—because at the heart of it all, your worth lies in who you are, not in what you prove.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to 15 Minutes with Dad, the podcast
designed to empower fathers withreal, practical strategies to
grow, lead and show up as thebest version of themselves.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,a career visual and performing
artist, professional data systemdirector and author, but, more
importantly, a father who's beennavigating the ups and downs of
(00:23):
blended family life with fourkids.
Today we are continuing the you2.0 series with episode two
Reclaiming your Identity as aFather, letting Go of Ego and
Embracing your True Self.
This episode is all aboutshedding the need for external
validation, breaking free fromego-driven fatherhood and
(00:45):
discovering who you are at yourcore.
If you've ever felt like you'reconstantly proving your worth
to your kids, your partner, yourex or even to yourself, this
episode is for you.
Fatherhood comes with a set ofexpectations, some of them
placed on us by society, some byfamily and some by ourselves.
(01:07):
The role of dad often feelslike a title.
We have to constantly prove wedeserve, we grind, we sacrifice,
we push through, and yetsometimes it never feels like
enough.
Why?
Because too many fathers,including myself, at times, fall
into a trap of tying our workto external validation how much
(01:28):
we provide, how strong we appearor how well we perform as dads.
This is where the concept ofego attachment comes in.
Ego is not just arrogance.
It's the part of us that clingsto identity labels for
validation.
Arrogance, it's the part of usthat clings to identity labels
for validation.
It's the voice in your headthat says if I'm not doing
(01:50):
everything perfectly, I'mfailing.
So why is it important?
Because when we let ego controlour fatherhood, we continue to
become reactive instead ofintentional.
We make choices based on whatwe think will earn approval
instead of what's truly best forus and our children.
For instance, if your childrenget mad and they get upset and
(02:12):
they catch a tantrum and you goand say, okay, all right, all
right, just go ahead, becauseyou don't want to feel like a
bad parent, you don't want to bethe bad guy.
Or maybe you're having issueswith the mother of your child
and you try to keep peace andyou'd be like all right, yeah,
man, like she just got throughsaying some really crude things
and you don't set boundaries.
In those moments you kind ofjust like all right, all right,
I just want to.
(02:33):
Let's just keep the peace, Idon't want any problems.
And this isn't just my opinion.
Experts like Jim Murphy and hisbook Inner Excellence, talk
about how high performers,whether in sports, business or
life, achieve greatness bydetaching from ego and focusing
on purpose, and I personallybelieve that this same principle
(02:58):
applies to fatherhood.
Now let's talk about thestruggle.
Too many fathers spend theirlives trying to validate their
worth to the people around them.
We prove our worth to ourchildren by giving them things
instead of presence.
We prove our worth to ourpartners by carrying burdens
alone instead of communicating.
We prove our worth to our exesby trying to outdo them or prove
(03:21):
we're still good enough.
We prove our worth to ourselvesby constantly chasing
perfection.
But here's the truth your worthas a father is not something
you earn.
It's something you embody.
Your kids don't need asuperhero.
They don't need perfection.
They need you present,authentic and growing.
(03:45):
So how do we break free fromego-driven fatherhood?
Let's turn to Jim Murphy'sInner Excellence for five
powerful insights.
This stuff has changed my lifeand how I approach my
relationship with my girlfriend.
How do I approach myrelationship with my children,
and where do I teach from?
They have some really key,essential lessons that come
(04:07):
along that's based into Maslow'shierarchy of needs, as well as
the keys to high-performingindividuals.
So let's talk about these fivelessons.
Jim Murphy's book InnerExcellence is all about
mastering the mind, controllingemotions and detaching from
(04:27):
outcomes.
Here are five key lessons fromthe book that we, as fathers,
can use to break free from egoand become more present,
intentional dads.
The first thing is shift yourfocus from approval to purpose.
Lift your focus from approvalto purpose.
Your ego was saying sometimesis I need my kids, my partners
(04:50):
or others to see me as a greatdad Boy?
That particular statement hasriddled through my life for the
whole chunk of my earlier years.
I'm proving to myself that I'ma good dad, others that I'm a
good dad.
But at this age now, as I'vegone through change and shift
and transformation, when someonesays you're a good dad, I'm
(05:11):
like no, I'm just a dad.
That's being the type of dadthat my kid needs.
But let's see what the innerexcellent teaches the book Inner
Excellence.
It says true, greatness comeswhen you focus on purpose over
perception.
But how do we apply this?
As a dad, you can ask yourselfdaily am I making decisions
(05:34):
based on my values or justtrying to impress others?
And when you lead with purpose,approval becomes absolutely
irrelevant.
Purpose approval becomesabsolutely irrelevant, like when
you ask yourself am I makingdecisions based on my values At
this point in time in myfatherhood?
I stand on my values.
(05:55):
I stand on business when itcomes to my values and the
values that I teach my familyLike I teach my families very
much, so that words are verypowerful.
You know, there's that littlething.
You know, sticks and stones maybreak my bones, but words will
never hurt me.
That's not true.
Words are extremely powerful,as you see the rhetoric around
(06:17):
this country right now, as wellas how people are being affected
directly from how you speak tothem, and words are very
important.
So that's a value that I preachto my family but I also
exercise in my regular everydaylife.
(06:41):
Let's talk about the secondlesson from inner excellence of
letting go of your ego.
In fatherhood.
Master the power of detachment.
But I was talking to my brotherabout this earlier today and I
was like and the mother of yourchild will continuously have
control over you, your emotions,if you're not seeing your child
this week or whatever that maybe, detach yourself from the
(07:19):
feelings of how it makes youfeel Like, yes, it sucks, but
when you detach from that, youtake away the power that she has
over you and when it comes toyour kids, if your kids are
telling you, no, I hate you, dad, or I don't like detach.
Detach from how it makes youfeel.
(07:42):
There's a sense of empathy thatgoes along in that, but detach
yourself from what is being said.
So the ego would say if thingsdon't go this way or my way, I
failed.
But in the inner excellence itsays that the best performers
don't obsess over outcomes.
They stay focused on theprocess.
(08:05):
But as a dad, instead ofstressing about whether you're
the perfect father, focus onbeing a present father.
Your effort and consistencymatters more than perfection,
father.
Your effort and consistencymatters more than perfection For
all you new dads out there.
You want to do right by yourchild.
(08:27):
You want to do better than yourdad did with you.
You want to be the best fatherthat you can possibly be.
And I will tell you you willnot be the best father that you
think you could be, becauseyou're going to get things wrong
.
You're going to get a lot ofthings wrong and you have to
embrace that.
You're going to get thingswrong, you're going to say the
wrong things, you're going toreact the wrong way, but it's
(08:48):
absolutely vital that youremember.
It's not about doing everythingperfect.
You've got to get it right mostof the time.
When you're a good parent, youwill get it right most of the
time, but not all of the time.
And so trying to be a perfectfather is only going to set you
up for failure, because being aperfect father is arbitrary.
(09:11):
There's no actual framework orbook that says if you accomplish
these tasks then you are aperfect father.
There is none.
Your child needs you for wherethey are and who they are, and
you have to be able to bemoldable as a dad throughout the
entire process.
(09:32):
There's different age groups.
I kind of break it down intodifferent age groups, of
childhood to teenager, because Ihave a teenager now.
But from the ages of like oneto seven, let's say they're a
sponge.
They're learning things.
You're instilling them.
They see everything linearly.
Everything you say is right.
My dad said this.
(09:52):
This is how it is.
When they get nine like eightthrough 10, they start wondering
about the world around them.
Their minds kind of expand alittle bit.
They start learning aboutnumbers and how big things are,
and then they look at how smallthey are and then they have to
try to find their identity, andthat's when it's really good for
dads to be very, very diligentabout making sure that they
(10:16):
understand what makes them them,what makes people different and
what makes them special.
When they become a teenager,they become abstract thinkers.
They start thinking about oh myGod, what is life and why am I
alive and why is this and all ofthat?
And it's important that youchange.
And the only reason I said aboutthese phases is because it's
(10:38):
important that you are moldableas a parent, as a father,
through each of those stages.
You cannot be the same dad youwere for the seven-year-old to
the teenager Now.
I will argue that the toddlerand the teenagers are just the
same, just bigger words andbigger emotions and you know,
more attitude.
(10:59):
But other than that, teenagersand toddlers are the same.
My daughter would totally hateme for saying that, but I say
that because you have to mold.
You have to be able to notbecome the perfect dad, but try
to be the best version of a dadthat your child needs.
Try to be the best version of adad that your child needs.
(11:19):
So let's go to the third lessonof inner excellence, and the
third lesson is reframe failureas growth.
This kind of comes off of whatI was just talking about, of you
getting it right most of thetime, but not all of the time,
and every time you fail, everytime you fail, you learn
something new about your child.
(11:40):
There's times when I've talkedbad to my daughter and I was
like, oh wait, I didn't mean tosay that and I apologize, but
I'm like, okay, but I did.
I was trying to say this, likeI may not have come out right
saying it, I may have said it atthe wrong time, but this is
what I was trying to get at andI'd love you and like you know,
like that's usually a lot aboutwhat I do as a father.
But reframing your failure asgrowth and your ego may say
(12:08):
every mistake that you makemeans that you are not a good
dad and I will assure you everymistake that you make will be a
learning lesson.
The mother of your child or thefather of your parent, your
parent, your co-parent, may tellyou you're a deadbeat, you're
terrible at this, because you'vemessed this up and you're going
to ruin our child forever.
I can assure you there's a lotof time in that child's life and
(12:31):
that one mistake that you madewon't tear it.
It's how you deal with it thatreally makes the difference.
You imprint when you deal withthings and how you deal with
them.
They see that.
But what does inner excellenceteach us?
The best growth comes fromlearning through failure.
It means we have to embrace it,and when you embrace the fact
(12:53):
that you may make mistakes, yougive yourself the grace and the
peace to really learn your childand be the best version of a
father that they need.
But how do we apply this?
So when you mess up whetherit's losing patience or making a
bad call just own it and learnfrom it and show your kids that
growth is more important thangetting it right the first time.
(13:16):
I know that we want our kids tobe a perfect emulation of how we
envision them to be.
They won't be that.
They will do everything theycan not to be the thing that
we've thought that they shouldbe.
And what I've learned is thatwhen I came into approaching my
teenagers, thinking oh, this ishow I've always seen you when I
(13:41):
tell you, a teenager willcompletely ruin the image that
you have of them in a good way,because then you get to see them
for who they are and love themand cherish them in that level.
But know that it's not aboutgetting it right the first time.
It's about growing and learninghow to do it better when that
time arises.
So let's go to four Be present,not just productive.
(14:07):
And that is a very interestingpoint, because when you're a
high performer or you do well atwork, you think that you got to
do a lot as well as a parent.
And I'm going to tell you astory.
Before I get deep into thispoint, this point, I'm going to
preface it with a story.
The story is I was in a carwith a girl that I liked at the
(14:28):
time and she said this thing tome.
We were talking about like Iwas upset about how my
relationship with my daughterwas, and she kind of told me
like hey, why you do all thesebig things when you go see your
daughter?
And I was like because I'mmissing time with her and I want
(14:49):
her to know that I love her.
She was like kids don't care.
Kids don't care about the bigstuff, they just want to go to
the grocery store with you, theyjust want to hang out with you.
And when I tell you that, Idon't even know if she knows how
much that statement profoundlychanged how I approach
fatherhood.
She was like no, like me and mydad, I just like hanging out
(15:11):
with my dad, like just beingaround him, like I don't.
You know, he doesn't have tobuy me things but I used to
think like yo, I've missed somuch time.
My kid is going to miss me.
I need to imprint something onthem that they remember me by,
and it has to be a big memory.
My daughter doesn't evenremember half the crap that I
spent money on to go to, but shedoes remember how I made her
(15:32):
feel when we would go ondaddy-daughter dates.
We would go dancing, we wouldgo to shows together.
She remembers those things.
And so let's talk about numberfour be present and not just
productive.
The ego may tell you I need todo more to prove that I'm
valuable, I need to do more toprove that I'm worthy or worth
(15:56):
this love.
But what inner excellenceteaches is that your power is in
the present moment, not inchasing more.
And I need to remind you thisepisode is about letting go of
the ego and embracing your trueself and number four is profound
(16:19):
and about how you embrace yourtrue self.
Your power is in the presentmoment, not in chasing more, but
how do you apply it?
As a dad, instead of measuringyour success by how much you do
for your kids, how much you dofor your family, how much you do
for your wife, your daughter,your son, focus on simply being
(16:45):
with them.
Even 15 minutes of intentionalpresence is more impactful than
hours of distracted time, simplybeing and not just sitting
there, because a lot of us justsit there, get up, be present
(17:06):
and savor the moment.
And my therapist told me thisthing and I saved this thing and
you probably hear it ondifferent episodes.
But in order to create a memory, sometimes you got to put
sensory to it Taste, feel, sight, hear, sniff.
I mean, 15 minutes of just anytime, of just talking to them
(17:30):
would do a big difference.
And for me this year I've madea goal to speak and sit down
with my kids, to talk for atleast 15 minutes with each of
them, whether they're thefive-year-old, the four-year-old
turning five-year-old or the16-year-old, but spending time
and having uninterruptedconversations with them, and
it's gone a long way.
Conversations with them, andit's gone a long way.
(17:56):
So let's go to number fiveSurrender, control and trust the
process.
Our ego will tell us that wehave to control everything to
protect our kids and to protectthe image of the role of dad.
Your role as a father does notneed to be protected.
Your kids may need to beprotected and you may want to go
(18:16):
in like, oh, she's talkingabout me to my kids, she's
trying to change them on me, andI need to go in like fight for
that honor.
That ego is what get fathers introuble, because you feel like
you have to go and prove to yourkids that you are not what the
mother says you are.
Detach, surrender, control andtrust the process.
(18:41):
What inner excellence teachesus is that true strength comes
from trusting the process andletting go of what you can't
control.
And if co-parenting is aperfect, if life throws
unexpected challenges at you,just breathe.
Focus on what you can control,like your attitude, your
(19:05):
presence and your love for yourkids, and the rest will fall
into place.
Fatherhood is not about provingyourself.
It's about showing up every dayas the best version of who you
are and who your children needyou to be.
(19:27):
We talked about how seekingvalidation can trap us in
ego-driven fatherhood and howlessons from inner excellence
can help us break free byshifting our focus to purpose,
detaching from outcomes,reframing the failure as success
, and being fully present andsurrendering control.
So here's your challenge forthe week Pick one of these five
(19:48):
lessons and apply it in yourdaily life, whether it's letting
go of needing approval,focusing on the present or
releasing the need for control.
Start small and take that firststep towards you 2.0.
And if you're enjoying thisseries, make sure you visit
15minuteswithdadcom for myinsights, tools and ways to
apply these principles to yourfatherhood journey.
And ways to apply theseprinciples to your fatherhood
(20:09):
journey.
Next week, we're going to betalking about how to master the
inner game, emotional resilienceand clarity.
Don't forget to subscribe to 15Minutes with Dad on your
favorite podcast platform andfollow us on social media at 15
Minutes with Dad for morecontent.
And if any of these lessonsapply to you today, let us know
(20:30):
how by making a video andtagging us in at 15 minutes with
dad on TikTok or Instagram orFacebook.
At 15 minutes with dad.
So until next time, rememberyour value isn't in what you
prove.
It's in who you are.
So keep leading, keep growingand keep showing up.
Welcome back to 15 Minutes with Dad, the podcast
designed to empower fathers withreal, practical strategies to
grow, lead and show up as thebest version of themselves.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,a career visual and performing
artist, professional data systemdirector and author, but, more
importantly, a father who's beennavigating the ups and downs of
(00:23):
blended family life with fourkids.
Today we are continuing the you2.0 series with episode two
Reclaiming your Identity as aFather, letting Go of Ego and
Embracing your True Self.
This episode is all aboutshedding the need for external
validation, breaking free fromego-driven fatherhood and
(00:45):
discovering who you are at yourcore.
If you've ever felt like you'reconstantly proving your worth
to your kids, your partner, yourex or even to yourself, this
episode is for you.
Fatherhood comes with a set ofexpectations, some of them
placed on us by society, some byfamily and some by ourselves.
(01:07):
The role of dad often feelslike a title.
We have to constantly prove wedeserve, we grind, we sacrifice,
we push through, and yetsometimes it never feels like
enough.
Why?
Because too many fathers,including myself, at times, fall
into a trap of tying our workto external validation how much
(01:28):
we provide, how strong we appearor how well we perform as dads.
This is where the concept ofego attachment comes in.
Ego is not just arrogance.
It's the part of us that clingsto identity labels for
validation.
Arrogance, it's the part of usthat clings to identity labels
for validation.
It's the voice in your headthat says if I'm not doing
(01:50):
everything perfectly, I'mfailing.
So why is it important?
Because when we let ego controlour fatherhood, we continue to
become reactive instead ofintentional.
We make choices based on whatwe think will earn approval
instead of what's truly best forus and our children.
For instance, if your childrenget mad and they get upset and
(02:12):
they catch a tantrum and you goand say, okay, all right, all
right, just go ahead, becauseyou don't want to feel like a
bad parent, you don't want to bethe bad guy.
Or maybe you're having issueswith the mother of your child
and you try to keep peace andyou'd be like all right, yeah,
man, like she just got throughsaying some really crude things
and you don't set boundaries.
In those moments you kind ofjust like all right, all right,
I just want to.
(02:33):
Let's just keep the peace, Idon't want any problems.
And this isn't just my opinion.
Experts like Jim Murphy and hisbook Inner Excellence, talk
about how high performers,whether in sports, business or
life, achieve greatness bydetaching from ego and focusing
on purpose, and I personallybelieve that this same principle
(02:58):
applies to fatherhood.
Now let's talk about thestruggle.
Too many fathers spend theirlives trying to validate their
worth to the people around them.
We prove our worth to ourchildren by giving them things
instead of presence.
We prove our worth to ourpartners by carrying burdens
alone instead of communicating.
We prove our worth to our exesby trying to outdo them or prove
(03:21):
we're still good enough.
We prove our worth to ourselvesby constantly chasing
perfection.
But here's the truth your worthas a father is not something
you earn.
It's something you embody.
Your kids don't need asuperhero.
They don't need perfection.
They need you present,authentic and growing.
(03:45):
So how do we break free fromego-driven fatherhood?
Let's turn to Jim Murphy'sInner Excellence for five
powerful insights.
This stuff has changed my lifeand how I approach my
relationship with my girlfriend.
How do I approach myrelationship with my children,
and where do I teach from?
They have some really key,essential lessons that come
(04:07):
along that's based into Maslow'shierarchy of needs, as well as
the keys to high-performingindividuals.
So let's talk about these fivelessons.
Jim Murphy's book InnerExcellence is all about
mastering the mind, controllingemotions and detaching from
(04:27):
outcomes.
Here are five key lessons fromthe book that we, as fathers,
can use to break free from egoand become more present,
intentional dads.
The first thing is shift yourfocus from approval to purpose.
Lift your focus from approvalto purpose.
Your ego was saying sometimesis I need my kids, my partners
(04:50):
or others to see me as a greatdad Boy?
That particular statement hasriddled through my life for the
whole chunk of my earlier years.
I'm proving to myself that I'ma good dad, others that I'm a
good dad.
But at this age now, as I'vegone through change and shift
and transformation, when someonesays you're a good dad, I'm
(05:11):
like no, I'm just a dad.
That's being the type of dadthat my kid needs.
But let's see what the innerexcellent teaches the book Inner
Excellence.
It says true, greatness comeswhen you focus on purpose over
perception.
But how do we apply this?
As a dad, you can ask yourselfdaily am I making decisions
(05:34):
based on my values or justtrying to impress others?
And when you lead with purpose,approval becomes absolutely
irrelevant.
Purpose approval becomesabsolutely irrelevant, like when
you ask yourself am I makingdecisions based on my values At
this point in time in myfatherhood?
I stand on my values.
(05:55):
I stand on business when itcomes to my values and the
values that I teach my familyLike I teach my families very
much, so that words are verypowerful.
You know, there's that littlething.
You know, sticks and stones maybreak my bones, but words will
never hurt me.
That's not true.
Words are extremely powerful,as you see the rhetoric around
(06:17):
this country right now, as wellas how people are being affected
directly from how you speak tothem, and words are very
important.
So that's a value that I preachto my family but I also
exercise in my regular everydaylife.
(06:41):
Let's talk about the secondlesson from inner excellence of
letting go of your ego.
In fatherhood.
Master the power of detachment.
But I was talking to my brotherabout this earlier today and I
was like and the mother of yourchild will continuously have
control over you, your emotions,if you're not seeing your child
this week or whatever that maybe, detach yourself from the
(07:19):
feelings of how it makes youfeel Like, yes, it sucks, but
when you detach from that, youtake away the power that she has
over you and when it comes toyour kids, if your kids are
telling you, no, I hate you, dad, or I don't like detach.
Detach from how it makes youfeel.
(07:42):
There's a sense of empathy thatgoes along in that, but detach
yourself from what is being said.
So the ego would say if thingsdon't go this way or my way, I
failed.
But in the inner excellence itsays that the best performers
don't obsess over outcomes.
They stay focused on theprocess.
(08:05):
But as a dad, instead ofstressing about whether you're
the perfect father, focus onbeing a present father.
Your effort and consistencymatters more than perfection,
father.
Your effort and consistencymatters more than perfection For
all you new dads out there.
You want to do right by yourchild.
(08:27):
You want to do better than yourdad did with you.
You want to be the best fatherthat you can possibly be.
And I will tell you you willnot be the best father that you
think you could be, becauseyou're going to get things wrong
.
You're going to get a lot ofthings wrong and you have to
embrace that.
You're going to get thingswrong, you're going to say the
wrong things, you're going toreact the wrong way, but it's
(08:48):
absolutely vital that youremember.
It's not about doing everythingperfect.
You've got to get it right mostof the time.
When you're a good parent, youwill get it right most of the
time, but not all of the time.
And so trying to be a perfectfather is only going to set you
up for failure, because being aperfect father is arbitrary.
(09:11):
There's no actual framework orbook that says if you accomplish
these tasks then you are aperfect father.
There is none.
Your child needs you for wherethey are and who they are, and
you have to be able to bemoldable as a dad throughout the
entire process.
(09:32):
There's different age groups.
I kind of break it down intodifferent age groups, of
childhood to teenager, because Ihave a teenager now.
But from the ages of like oneto seven, let's say they're a
sponge.
They're learning things.
You're instilling them.
They see everything linearly.
Everything you say is right.
My dad said this.
(09:52):
This is how it is.
When they get nine like eightthrough 10, they start wondering
about the world around them.
Their minds kind of expand alittle bit.
They start learning aboutnumbers and how big things are,
and then they look at how smallthey are and then they have to
try to find their identity, andthat's when it's really good for
dads to be very, very diligentabout making sure that they
(10:16):
understand what makes them them,what makes people different and
what makes them special.
When they become a teenager,they become abstract thinkers.
They start thinking about oh myGod, what is life and why am I
alive and why is this and all ofthat?
And it's important that youchange.
And the only reason I said aboutthese phases is because it's
(10:38):
important that you are moldableas a parent, as a father,
through each of those stages.
You cannot be the same dad youwere for the seven-year-old to
the teenager Now.
I will argue that the toddlerand the teenagers are just the
same, just bigger words andbigger emotions and you know,
more attitude.
(10:59):
But other than that, teenagersand toddlers are the same.
My daughter would totally hateme for saying that, but I say
that because you have to mold.
You have to be able to notbecome the perfect dad, but try
to be the best version of a dadthat your child needs.
Try to be the best version of adad that your child needs.
(11:19):
So let's go to the third lessonof inner excellence, and the
third lesson is reframe failureas growth.
This kind of comes off of whatI was just talking about, of you
getting it right most of thetime, but not all of the time,
and every time you fail, everytime you fail, you learn
something new about your child.
(11:40):
There's times when I've talkedbad to my daughter and I was
like, oh wait, I didn't mean tosay that and I apologize, but
I'm like, okay, but I did.
I was trying to say this, likeI may not have come out right
saying it, I may have said it atthe wrong time, but this is
what I was trying to get at andI'd love you and like you know,
like that's usually a lot aboutwhat I do as a father.
But reframing your failure asgrowth and your ego may say
(12:08):
every mistake that you makemeans that you are not a good
dad and I will assure you everymistake that you make will be a
learning lesson.
The mother of your child or thefather of your parent, your
parent, your co-parent, may tellyou you're a deadbeat, you're
terrible at this, because you'vemessed this up and you're going
to ruin our child forever.
I can assure you there's a lotof time in that child's life and
(12:31):
that one mistake that you madewon't tear it.
It's how you deal with it thatreally makes the difference.
You imprint when you deal withthings and how you deal with
them.
They see that.
But what does inner excellenceteach us?
The best growth comes fromlearning through failure.
It means we have to embrace it,and when you embrace the fact
(12:53):
that you may make mistakes, yougive yourself the grace and the
peace to really learn your childand be the best version of a
father that they need.
But how do we apply this?
So when you mess up whetherit's losing patience or making a
bad call just own it and learnfrom it and show your kids that
growth is more important thangetting it right the first time.
(13:16):
I know that we want our kids tobe a perfect emulation of how we
envision them to be.
They won't be that.
They will do everything theycan not to be the thing that
we've thought that they shouldbe.
And what I've learned is thatwhen I came into approaching my
teenagers, thinking oh, this ishow I've always seen you when I
(13:41):
tell you, a teenager willcompletely ruin the image that
you have of them in a good way,because then you get to see them
for who they are and love themand cherish them in that level.
But know that it's not aboutgetting it right the first time.
It's about growing and learninghow to do it better when that
time arises.
So let's go to four Be present,not just productive.
(14:07):
And that is a very interestingpoint, because when you're a
high performer or you do well atwork, you think that you got to
do a lot as well as a parent.
And I'm going to tell you astory.
Before I get deep into thispoint, this point, I'm going to
preface it with a story.
The story is I was in a carwith a girl that I liked at the
(14:28):
time and she said this thing tome.
We were talking about like Iwas upset about how my
relationship with my daughterwas, and she kind of told me
like hey, why you do all thesebig things when you go see your
daughter?
And I was like because I'mmissing time with her and I want
(14:49):
her to know that I love her.
She was like kids don't care.
Kids don't care about the bigstuff, they just want to go to
the grocery store with you, theyjust want to hang out with you.
And when I tell you that, Idon't even know if she knows how
much that statement profoundlychanged how I approach
fatherhood.
She was like no, like me and mydad, I just like hanging out
(15:11):
with my dad, like just beingaround him, like I don't.
You know, he doesn't have tobuy me things but I used to
think like yo, I've missed somuch time.
My kid is going to miss me.
I need to imprint something onthem that they remember me by,
and it has to be a big memory.
My daughter doesn't evenremember half the crap that I
spent money on to go to, but shedoes remember how I made her
(15:32):
feel when we would go ondaddy-daughter dates.
We would go dancing, we wouldgo to shows together.
She remembers those things.
And so let's talk about numberfour be present and not just
productive.
The ego may tell you I need todo more to prove that I'm
valuable, I need to do more toprove that I'm worthy or worth
(15:56):
this love.
But what inner excellenceteaches is that your power is in
the present moment, not inchasing more.
And I need to remind you thisepisode is about letting go of
the ego and embracing your trueself and number four is profound
(16:19):
and about how you embrace yourtrue self.
Your power is in the presentmoment, not in chasing more, but
how do you apply it?
As a dad, instead of measuringyour success by how much you do
for your kids, how much you dofor your family, how much you do
for your wife, your daughter,your son, focus on simply being
(16:45):
with them.
Even 15 minutes of intentionalpresence is more impactful than
hours of distracted time, simplybeing and not just sitting
there, because a lot of us justsit there, get up, be present
(17:06):
and savor the moment.
And my therapist told me thisthing and I saved this thing and
you probably hear it ondifferent episodes.
But in order to create a memory, sometimes you got to put
sensory to it Taste, feel, sight, hear, sniff.
I mean, 15 minutes of just anytime, of just talking to them
(17:30):
would do a big difference.
And for me this year I've madea goal to speak and sit down
with my kids, to talk for atleast 15 minutes with each of
them, whether they're thefive-year-old, the four-year-old
turning five-year-old or the16-year-old, but spending time
and having uninterruptedconversations with them, and
it's gone a long way.
Conversations with them, andit's gone a long way.
(17:56):
So let's go to number fiveSurrender, control and trust the
process.
Our ego will tell us that wehave to control everything to
protect our kids and to protectthe image of the role of dad.
Your role as a father does notneed to be protected.
Your kids may need to beprotected and you may want to go
(18:16):
in like, oh, she's talkingabout me to my kids, she's
trying to change them on me, andI need to go in like fight for
that honor.
That ego is what get fathers introuble, because you feel like
you have to go and prove to yourkids that you are not what the
mother says you are.
Detach, surrender, control andtrust the process.
(18:41):
What inner excellence teachesus is that true strength comes
from trusting the process andletting go of what you can't
control.
And if co-parenting is aperfect, if life throws
unexpected challenges at you,just breathe.
Focus on what you can control,like your attitude, your
(19:05):
presence and your love for yourkids, and the rest will fall
into place.
Fatherhood is not about provingyourself.
It's about showing up every dayas the best version of who you
are and who your children needyou to be.
(19:27):
We talked about how seekingvalidation can trap us in
ego-driven fatherhood and howlessons from inner excellence
can help us break free byshifting our focus to purpose,
detaching from outcomes,reframing the failure as success
, and being fully present andsurrendering control.
So here's your challenge forthe week Pick one of these five
(19:48):
lessons and apply it in yourdaily life, whether it's letting
go of needing approval,focusing on the present or
releasing the need for control.
Start small and take that firststep towards you 2.0.
And if you're enjoying thisseries, make sure you visit
15minuteswithdadcom for myinsights, tools and ways to
apply these principles to yourfatherhood journey.
And ways to apply theseprinciples to your fatherhood
(20:09):
journey.
Next week, we're going to betalking about how to master the
inner game, emotional resilienceand clarity.
Don't forget to subscribe to 15Minutes with Dad on your
favorite podcast platform andfollow us on social media at 15
Minutes with Dad for morecontent.
And if any of these lessonsapply to you today, let us know
(20:30):
how by making a video andtagging us in at 15 minutes with
dad on TikTok or Instagram orFacebook.
At 15 minutes with dad.
So until next time, rememberyour value isn't in what you
prove.
It's in who you are.
So keep leading, keep growingand keep showing up.
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