July 16, 2025 • 25 mins
In this powerful episode of 15 Minutes with Dad, explore fatherhood, mental health, and personal development. Host Lirec Williams opens up a much-needed conversation around fatherhood and mental health.
Too many fathers carry silent burdens—past trauma, relationship stress, and the pressure to be everything to everyone—without ever being given the tools or space to heal.
Through raw storytelling, personal insight, and lessons from Jim Murphy’s Inner Excellence, this episode explores the intersection of emotional healing, self-awareness, and personal development for dads.
You’ll discover how unprocessed pain impacts your ability to show up as a father, especially in high-stress environments like co-parenting or blended families. Most importantly, you’ll learn how to start creating inner peace, deepen your emotional presence, and build a legacy rooted in healing—not hurt.
🎯 What You'll Learn:
- Why healing is a foundational part of fatherhood
- How to manage emotional triggers and regulate stress
- 5 practical tools for building emotional strength and clarity
- How to develop a personal parenting framework that honors your growth
Whether you're navigating fatherhood challenges or looking for real growth insights, this episode is a guide for every man ready to lead with more presence, more intention, and more self-compassion.
Take the challenge: Commit to one healing practice this week—because your children don’t need a perfect dad. They need a present, healthy one.
Stay Connected with 15 Minutes with Dad:
🌐 Website: Explore additional resources and updates on our healing journey at 15MinuteswithDad.com.
📱 Follow us on Social Media:
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- Facebook: 15 Minutes with Dad
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Host
- Instagram: @ToldbyLirec
- Facebook: @ToldbyLirec
- TikTok:@ToldbyLirec
✉️ Subscribe and Share: Receive the latest episodes directly in your inbox by subscribing on our website. Don't forget to share your thoughts and experiences with the community!
🎧 Listen on Your Favorite Platforms: Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Anchor, and more.
Thank you for joining us on this transformative journey! Together, we're breaking barriers and fostering a community of healing.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to another episode of 15 Minutes
with Dad, where we dive intofatherhood with truth, intention
and tools that actually work.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,father of four, storyteller
systems guy and a man committedto building legacy through
emotional presence and personaldevelopment.
For dads like you, today'sepisode is one that many of us
(00:23):
avoid but desperately needFatherhood and mental health.
Let's give ourselves permissionto heal, so we're going to keep
it real.
Today, we know that fatherhoodchallenges don't just come from
parenting struggles.
They also come from the stuffwe've buried Like old trauma,
suppressed emotions, unrealisticexpectations on ourselves and
(00:47):
those around us, silent pressureto man up and stay strong.
In this episode, we're breakingthat silence.
We're talking about it.
We're talking about howfatherhood can trigger
unresolved pain, why emotionalhealing is not an option for men
who lead.
Healing is not an option formen who lead Tools for creating
(01:08):
inner peace in the middle ofchaos, and how this healing
transforms your kids, yourco-parenting, your relationship
with your spouse and your legacy.
If you've been caring more thanyou talk about, this one is for
you, my friend.
My friend.
As fathers, we carry a lot Like.
We carry financial pressure,relational tension and the
(01:38):
expectation to be everything toeveryone, and we do it often
while ignoring our own mentalhealth.
We are praised for being strong, even if that strength is
actually silent suffering,praised for being strong even if
that strength is actuallysilent suffering.
But here's the truth Unhealedpain doesn't disappear, it
actually leaks.
It leaks into our marriages,into our parenting, into our
everyday reactions, into the waywe show up or don't for our
(02:01):
children, and especially whenwe're dealing with co-parenting
dynamics, blended familyfriction or unresolved conflict
with our own fathers.
It all compounds.
This is why emotional healingisn't some soft add-on.
It's the foundation of everyhealthy fatherhood experience.
(02:22):
And the good news is you don'tneed to heal it all overnight.
You just need to give yourselfpermission to begin.
I recall talking to mytherapist just maybe a few
months ago, and she used thesewords give yourself permission
to do said things, give yourselfpermission to heal, give
(02:45):
yourself permission to forgive,give yourself permission to walk
away, give yourself permissionto love.
That give yourself permission.
Statement or prefix to asentence is very intense because
to a sentence is very intensebecause we don't.
(03:08):
We never had in society.
Men aren't taught to haveautonomy and given ourselves
permission because our value isusually stuck in the people.
That what we, the things thatwe do for people and how they
value us and we deserve lovebecause of how they value us or
what we've done for them andthat give yourself permission
(03:29):
statement is so much more deeper.
It requires some unraveling todo, and Jim Murphy's inner
excellence teaches us that ourouter world reflects our inner
world, teaches us that our outerworld reflects our inner world.
And if your mind is chaotic,everything else will feel like
(03:51):
chaos.
And it says, when we're talkingabout dads that want to lead,
the only way to lead others wellis to master the self first.
This is where growth insightsbecome so important.
Fathers who are emotionallygrounded can respond instead of
react.
They can stay present duringhard moments.
(04:13):
They can model vulnerabilityand strength at the same time.
So, like building a parentingframework rooted into
self-control and not ego, thislevel of emotional healing isn't
just about you.
It impacts your child's abilityto express themselves, the tone
(04:36):
of your home, the way younavigate conflict and
co-parenting situations and,ultimately, the legacy you leave
.
If you go back into some of theepisodes that we've talked about
where I've had with my child,we've talked about how my
emotional state when I walk intothe house, how it impacts the
household.
If I have a hard day at workand I come in with a sad face,
(04:57):
everybody's excited to see meand I come in all upset or maybe
drained from work, thehousehold changes their tone to
however I am.
They either walk on eggshellsor they get excited to see me
because I come home with energy.
I maintain I made sure, afterlike understanding that and
(05:18):
learning that from my kids, Imade sure that work-life balance
became a thing.
I no longer stayed extra hoursat work just to get a project
done.
When it's time to go home, it'stime to go home and that's when
I become dad.
We can be the employee personall day long, but that shuts off
at five.
You have me.
You've asked for my time.
(05:40):
You give me money based on mytime from nine to five.
After that it's family time andthat has changed how I engage
with my family.
My family knows to expect me ata certain time.
They are ready with questionsand homework and talking and you
know different ideas andthey're telling me about their
day and I have enough energy toreceive all of that and receive
(06:02):
that love.
But that's that emotionalhealing we're talking about when
it impacts our marriages, whenwe have that unhealed pain.
It can show up in varioussituations, like if your partner
is upset with you.
It can upset you becausethey're upset a co-parenting
(06:25):
mechanism, so to speak.
And depending on how we wereraised, we can fall into one of
these three attachment styleswhich will impact our
relationship, because we havenot necessarily worked through
our emotional distress, our pasttrauma.
The first style is anxious theanxious attachment and people
(06:50):
with this style crave intimacyand validation, often
experiencing anxiety about theabandonment or seeking constant
reassurance.
Or you would fall into theavoidant type.
Individuals with this stylevalue independence highly and
may avoid emotional intimacy,appearing detached or
(07:12):
uninterested in closerelationships and engaging with
your spouse.
It can look like you're havingtrouble experiencing intimacy or
showing empathy in differentmoments, whenever their emotions
become high or unregulated.
And the last one isdisorganized or fearful.
Avoidant type.
This style combines elements ofboth anxious and avoidant
(07:35):
attachment styles, withindividuals desiring intimacy
but also fearing vulnerabilityand potential hurt.
And the interesting part aboutall of these is that these
attachment styles are kind offoundation to all those other
things that people talk aboutthat men are, whether they use
(07:56):
words like narcissist, they usewords like bipolar, they use
words like borderlinepersonality, all those different
variations but it starts withhow we interact with the world,
and when we have these insecureattachment styles, it could keep
our relationships rocky all thetime.
And I will say that most mendeal with this and have no idea
(08:19):
that this thing even exists.
They don't address this intheir life because they feel
like people are just mean tothem or people just don't get
them Maybe their partner justdon't.
They can never calm down.
They feel like they're alwayson edge and they may have one of
these three different types ofattachment styles.
(08:40):
You may have one of these threedifferent attachment styles
that impact how you love, howyou relate to, how you connect
with your family.
So let's dive in a little bitabout not only the attachment
styles, but what causes them andwhat impact comes from them.
But we're going to start from agood attachment, a secure
(09:03):
attachment, if you will.
A secure attachment styledevelops when caregivers are
consistently responsive,sensitive and emotionally
available to the child's needs.
This includes providing comfort, understanding and support
during distress.
This is the type of parent thatwe all seek to be but don't
always quite make it there.
(09:24):
But how does this impact ourchild when we are constantly
responsive and sensitive andemotionally available to our
children, that securely attachedindividuals tend to have
positive views of themselves andothers and feel comfortable
with intimacy and closeness andare able to navigate conflict
(09:47):
and emotional challenges inrelationships.
Now let's talk about theinsecure attachment styles that
we talked about earlier theanxious, the avoidant and
disorganized.
On the anxious side, this isusually caused and it arises
from inconsistent orunpredictable parenting, where
caregivers are sometimesresponsive and sometimes
(10:10):
neglectful.
The child may learn to behypervigilant for signs of
emotional availability, leadingto anxiety about relationships.
Anxious individuals may craveintimacy and closeness, but also
fear abandonment, leading toclinginess, jealousy and a need
for constant reassurance.
And a lot of us fall into theserelationships because, as men,
(10:34):
we're taught to be peoplepleasers first.
We are literally valued by thethings that we do.
We're taught to be peoplepleaser first and we may fall
into this anxious, avoidant, butwe may find a relationship that
our partner is anxiouslyattached.
Now let's talk about theavoidant type, and this is and
(10:55):
I'll talk more about becausethis is more of my side I
honestly believe I sit betweenavoidant and disorganized.
But let's talk about theavoidant attachment.
Avoidant attachment can developwhen caregivers are emotionally
unavailable, rejecting ordismissive of their child's
needs.
The child may learn to suppresstheir emotions and distance
themselves from others to avoidpotential rejection and
(11:18):
disappointment.
And how does this impact?
And how does this impact?
This makes an impact by theaborted?
Individual may struggle withintimacy, have difficulty
expressing emotions and preferemotional distance in
relationships.
This one is heavily mine.
I grew up in a very tumultuoushousehold.
(11:41):
My grandmother who wasconstantly recovering from some
form of drug addiction all mylife, or alcoholism, it was
always a thing.
I was a caregiver for her, butalso when my needs came about,
it never mattered.
I remember distinctly spendingso much time in my room away
(12:04):
from her, away from people inthe household or separated from
somehow from them.
I was there in the house, butseparated, for you know eons
amount of time.
Obviously, I went outside a lot.
I was in that age where Iplayed outside, but there were
times where I wasn't evenallowed to go outside, so I had
to stay in my room, wasn't evenallowed to go outside, so I had
to stay in my room and I wasjust and I mean all the way up
(12:25):
to 16, even when you know I'm 16and living with my grandmother,
I can recall, like she justalways.
She's always in her room.
I can remember my grandma'salways in her room, never comes
(12:47):
out, or she's.
There was a period of time shejust stayed on the couch and we
couldn't use the living room formuch of anything.
But that impacted me in a waythat I have a difficulty
expressing my own emotions and Iprefer distance and emotional
distance.
When someone unregulated ordysregulated is engaging with me
, I tend to want to tell a jokeor avoid it or disappear from it
or kind of.
And having a daughter, it'sreal difficult to kind of
(13:09):
navigate this space because whenshe's upset I want to give her
a solution to it, for her tostop crying.
When she's crying over a little, over a boy she's a teenager
now but crying over a boy, Iwant to, you know, be upset at
the dude.
But navigating the wholeemotional space is hard for me
and I try.
But it's definitely a challenge.
And this last one is adisorganized, which is why I
(13:32):
think that I kind of fall intothis disorganized space.
I'll tell you that in a second.
But this style is oftenassociated with childhood trauma
, abuse or neglect, where thecaregiver is both a source of
comfort and fear, the child mayexperience conflicting emotions
and struggle to trust themselvesor others.
Where the caregiver is both asource of comfort and fear, the
child may experience conflictingemotions and struggle to trust
themselves or others.
(13:52):
And what impact does this make?
Disorganized individuals mayhave difficulty forming stable
relationships, experienceemotional instability and
struggle with self-regulation.
I truly believe this is where Ifall, like my recovering
addicted grandmother was veryabusive and I talk about it in a
(14:17):
couple episodes in 15 Minuteswith Dad when I talk about my
trauma.
But my grandmother was verballyabusive, physically abusive,
but also like I really loved herand I didn't even know that my
grandmother was toxic until Iwent to college and a professor
was like cause, I was sayingthings like oh, this is, you
(14:39):
know, I gotta go do this beforethis and this, and then she was
like wait a minute, what?
And she started askingquestions and then she was like
you need to get away from it.
That is toxic.
Your grandmother is toxic.
I'm sorry, I don't want to talkabout it like that, but your
(14:59):
grandmother is toxic the firstperson to ever talk about my
grandmother to me in that wayand it actually made me question
her, because I never questionedthat my grandmother loved me or
who she was or any of that Inever even knew.
I was so much abused until Istarted looking back on my life
and I'm like bro, I was trulyliving a terrible childhood, a
(15:20):
traumatic childhood that Isuppress Every time something
happened.
I knew that I'm so good atsuppressing my trauma at these
and I told my therapist thislast week.
I was like I'm so good atsuppressing my trauma at these
and I told my therapist thislast week.
I was like I am so good atsuppressing my trauma, like so
good that something can happenone week and I would forget it
the next week.
If it was a bad experience, Iwould completely forget it and
(15:43):
try to move on because I need todo a thing that is so wild but
that is disorganized.
It's a mixture of both anxiousand the avoided.
When a person has a caregiveris both a source of comfort and
the source of fear.
Use as a father to heal.
(16:14):
So let's get practical here,like if you're ready to start
your healing journey.
There's five accessible toolsthat bring mental health, mental
clarity, self-awareness andinner peace to your day-to-day
life as a dad One.
Let's normalize therapy andtalk space.
Therapy and talk space.
It's very important that youhave a space to communicate how
(16:36):
you feel.
You can do that with 15 Minuteswith Dad, or you can find some
other forum with fathers onFacebook.
There's groups all throughoutFacebook Fatherhood Fraternity,
there's single dads, there's aco-parenting space.
There's all these differentspaces for fathers and therapy
(16:59):
isn't weakness.
I've been doing it for the lastyear and a half and it's done
wonders for me Me being able totalk out these crazy thoughts
that are in my head and how I'mprocessing it.
I'm understanding that thereare some things that I do wrong,
(17:19):
but there's also some thingsthat should not be okay, that I
accept to be okay and I have toequip myself to rid myself of
them.
But whether it's with acounselor or a mentor, talking
it out rewires your mind, so youcan check out fatherhood
specific support groups oremotional healing podcasts like
15 minutes with dad.
The second one create a dailyemotional check-in and this is
(17:43):
kind of weird to ask, right, butyou could do it on your phone.
There's these.
There's a daily standup app orsomething like that inside of
your.
There's a daily stand-up app orsomething like that inside of
your if you have an Apple phone,or put in your notes, put your
date on there and then check inwhat am I feeling right now.
And you can use voice memos orthe journaling app to check your
(18:08):
emotional temperature beforestepping into dad mode, meaning
like when you wake up in themorning.
Check in how are you feelingtoday and you can be vulnerable
with yourself.
Writing it down and reading ityourself can literally be you
doing some shadow work.
The third one is move your bodyto clear your mind.
Movement is medicine, whetherit's walking, stretching or
(18:32):
boxing.
Movement shifts emotionalweight.
For me, I've been doingBrazilian Jiu-Jitsu consistently
for three months.
I got my first stripe becauseI've been deep into it.
I study it.
I competed, I got second place.
My daughter competed got firstplace.
We we do jujitsu as a family,but jujitsu has changed my life.
(18:55):
I move, I work out hard.
I built a gym in my garage justso I can work out and get
better at jujitsu, but it's allfeeding into how I feel about
myself.
It feels absolutely phenomenal.
The fourth one is replaceself-criticism with
self-compassion Instead ofsaying I should have done better
(19:16):
.
Try, I'm learning and next timeI'll do differently.
I'm learning and next time I'mgoing to do differently.
Talk to yourself the way youtalk to your son or your
daughter in a low moment.
Give yourself that father thatyou may or may not have had.
But tell that statement toyourself.
(19:38):
You wouldn't want your kids tobeat up on themselves.
So you have to be able toemulate that.
And the only way you canpractice what you preach is by
practicing what you preach.
And the last one this one iseasy but also easier said than
done Build yourself a supportsystem.
So many of us dads are walkingaround with no friends, nobody
(20:02):
to hang out with, no one to kindof call up on.
You know he's like hey, heknows I exist.
When he want to talk, he knowsI'm here.
No, reach out to your brothers.
Reach out to your brothers andtalk to them.
Reach out to your friends, yourbuddies, whoever you want to
call them.
Reach out and talk to them.
Find other dads who are walkingthe same path and speak life
(20:22):
into each other.
Like there was a time.
I'm going to go and tell youguys about a time where I had to
face myself.
There was a time I'm going togo and tell you guys about a
time where I had to face myself.
There was a time when I snappedat my kids over something small
, but it really wasn't aboutthem, it was about my stress, my
(20:44):
self-worth and my exhaustion.
Like later that night, Irealized I become a version of
the father I said I wouldn't beDistant, irritable, emotionally
shut down.
That was my wake-up call.
I started journaling, I joineda support group and I got help.
Didn't fix everything overnight, but it helped me show up
(21:07):
differently, more open, morehonest and more human.
Differently, more open, morehonest and more human.
And my kids?
They didn't need a perfect dad,they just needed a present one.
And sometimes dads, we makemistakes.
But there's time, there's lifeand we can make a difference.
Let's be clear Healing isn't aweakness, it's a requirement.
(21:37):
Today we unpacked why mentalhealth is the foundation of
healthy fatherhood, howemotional presence and personal
development for dads begins withhealing.
Five accessible tools to helpyou manage stress, guilt and
anger over old emotional wounds.
So here's your challenge Giveyourself permission to heal this
(22:01):
week.
Pick one tool, whether it'sjournaling, therapy or daily
check-in.
Commit to using it for the nextseven days, one week.
Because when you heal, yourchildren inherit peace.
When you grow, they grow, andwhen you show up real, they feel
safe to do the same.
(22:21):
We're building secureattachments.
Fellas.
Next week we're moving from theinner world to the outer legacy
with redefining masculinitystrength through vulnerability.
So keep showing up, becauseyour healing is a part of their
future.
Welcome back to another episode of 15 Minutes
with Dad, where we dive intofatherhood with truth, intention
and tools that actually work.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,father of four, storyteller
systems guy and a man committedto building legacy through
emotional presence and personaldevelopment.
For dads like you, today'sepisode is one that many of us
(00:23):
avoid but desperately needFatherhood and mental health.
Let's give ourselves permissionto heal, so we're going to keep
it real.
Today, we know that fatherhoodchallenges don't just come from
parenting struggles.
They also come from the stuffwe've buried Like old trauma,
suppressed emotions, unrealisticexpectations on ourselves and
(00:47):
those around us, silent pressureto man up and stay strong.
In this episode, we're breakingthat silence.
We're talking about it.
We're talking about howfatherhood can trigger
unresolved pain, why emotionalhealing is not an option for men
who lead.
Healing is not an option formen who lead Tools for creating
(01:08):
inner peace in the middle ofchaos, and how this healing
transforms your kids, yourco-parenting, your relationship
with your spouse and your legacy.
If you've been caring more thanyou talk about, this one is for
you, my friend.
My friend.
As fathers, we carry a lot Like.
We carry financial pressure,relational tension and the
(01:38):
expectation to be everything toeveryone, and we do it often
while ignoring our own mentalhealth.
We are praised for being strong, even if that strength is
actually silent suffering,praised for being strong even if
that strength is actuallysilent suffering.
But here's the truth Unhealedpain doesn't disappear, it
actually leaks.
It leaks into our marriages,into our parenting, into our
everyday reactions, into the waywe show up or don't for our
(02:01):
children, and especially whenwe're dealing with co-parenting
dynamics, blended familyfriction or unresolved conflict
with our own fathers.
It all compounds.
This is why emotional healingisn't some soft add-on.
It's the foundation of everyhealthy fatherhood experience.
(02:22):
And the good news is you don'tneed to heal it all overnight.
You just need to give yourselfpermission to begin.
I recall talking to mytherapist just maybe a few
months ago, and she used thesewords give yourself permission
to do said things, give yourselfpermission to heal, give
(02:45):
yourself permission to forgive,give yourself permission to walk
away, give yourself permissionto love.
That give yourself permission.
Statement or prefix to asentence is very intense because
to a sentence is very intensebecause we don't.
(03:08):
We never had in society.
Men aren't taught to haveautonomy and given ourselves
permission because our value isusually stuck in the people.
That what we, the things thatwe do for people and how they
value us and we deserve lovebecause of how they value us or
what we've done for them andthat give yourself permission
(03:29):
statement is so much more deeper.
It requires some unraveling todo, and Jim Murphy's inner
excellence teaches us that ourouter world reflects our inner
world, teaches us that our outerworld reflects our inner world.
And if your mind is chaotic,everything else will feel like
(03:51):
chaos.
And it says, when we're talkingabout dads that want to lead,
the only way to lead others wellis to master the self first.
This is where growth insightsbecome so important.
Fathers who are emotionallygrounded can respond instead of
react.
They can stay present duringhard moments.
(04:13):
They can model vulnerabilityand strength at the same time.
So, like building a parentingframework rooted into
self-control and not ego, thislevel of emotional healing isn't
just about you.
It impacts your child's abilityto express themselves, the tone
(04:36):
of your home, the way younavigate conflict and
co-parenting situations and,ultimately, the legacy you leave
.
If you go back into some of theepisodes that we've talked about
where I've had with my child,we've talked about how my
emotional state when I walk intothe house, how it impacts the
household.
If I have a hard day at workand I come in with a sad face,
(04:57):
everybody's excited to see meand I come in all upset or maybe
drained from work, thehousehold changes their tone to
however I am.
They either walk on eggshellsor they get excited to see me
because I come home with energy.
I maintain I made sure, afterlike understanding that and
(05:18):
learning that from my kids, Imade sure that work-life balance
became a thing.
I no longer stayed extra hoursat work just to get a project
done.
When it's time to go home, it'stime to go home and that's when
I become dad.
We can be the employee personall day long, but that shuts off
at five.
You have me.
You've asked for my time.
(05:40):
You give me money based on mytime from nine to five.
After that it's family time andthat has changed how I engage
with my family.
My family knows to expect me ata certain time.
They are ready with questionsand homework and talking and you
know different ideas andthey're telling me about their
day and I have enough energy toreceive all of that and receive
(06:02):
that love.
But that's that emotionalhealing we're talking about when
it impacts our marriages, whenwe have that unhealed pain.
It can show up in varioussituations, like if your partner
is upset with you.
It can upset you becausethey're upset a co-parenting
(06:25):
mechanism, so to speak.
And depending on how we wereraised, we can fall into one of
these three attachment styleswhich will impact our
relationship, because we havenot necessarily worked through
our emotional distress, our pasttrauma.
The first style is anxious theanxious attachment and people
(06:50):
with this style crave intimacyand validation, often
experiencing anxiety about theabandonment or seeking constant
reassurance.
Or you would fall into theavoidant type.
Individuals with this stylevalue independence highly and
may avoid emotional intimacy,appearing detached or
(07:12):
uninterested in closerelationships and engaging with
your spouse.
It can look like you're havingtrouble experiencing intimacy or
showing empathy in differentmoments, whenever their emotions
become high or unregulated.
And the last one isdisorganized or fearful.
Avoidant type.
This style combines elements ofboth anxious and avoidant
(07:35):
attachment styles, withindividuals desiring intimacy
but also fearing vulnerabilityand potential hurt.
And the interesting part aboutall of these is that these
attachment styles are kind offoundation to all those other
things that people talk aboutthat men are, whether they use
(07:56):
words like narcissist, they usewords like bipolar, they use
words like borderlinepersonality, all those different
variations but it starts withhow we interact with the world,
and when we have these insecureattachment styles, it could keep
our relationships rocky all thetime.
And I will say that most mendeal with this and have no idea
(08:19):
that this thing even exists.
They don't address this intheir life because they feel
like people are just mean tothem or people just don't get
them Maybe their partner justdon't.
They can never calm down.
They feel like they're alwayson edge and they may have one of
these three different types ofattachment styles.
(08:40):
You may have one of these threedifferent attachment styles
that impact how you love, howyou relate to, how you connect
with your family.
So let's dive in a little bitabout not only the attachment
styles, but what causes them andwhat impact comes from them.
But we're going to start from agood attachment, a secure
(09:03):
attachment, if you will.
A secure attachment styledevelops when caregivers are
consistently responsive,sensitive and emotionally
available to the child's needs.
This includes providing comfort, understanding and support
during distress.
This is the type of parent thatwe all seek to be but don't
always quite make it there.
(09:24):
But how does this impact ourchild when we are constantly
responsive and sensitive andemotionally available to our
children, that securely attachedindividuals tend to have
positive views of themselves andothers and feel comfortable
with intimacy and closeness andare able to navigate conflict
(09:47):
and emotional challenges inrelationships.
Now let's talk about theinsecure attachment styles that
we talked about earlier theanxious, the avoidant and
disorganized.
On the anxious side, this isusually caused and it arises
from inconsistent orunpredictable parenting, where
caregivers are sometimesresponsive and sometimes
(10:10):
neglectful.
The child may learn to behypervigilant for signs of
emotional availability, leadingto anxiety about relationships.
Anxious individuals may craveintimacy and closeness, but also
fear abandonment, leading toclinginess, jealousy and a need
for constant reassurance.
And a lot of us fall into theserelationships because, as men,
(10:34):
we're taught to be peoplepleasers first.
We are literally valued by thethings that we do.
We're taught to be peoplepleaser first and we may fall
into this anxious, avoidant, butwe may find a relationship that
our partner is anxiouslyattached.
Now let's talk about theavoidant type, and this is and
(10:55):
I'll talk more about becausethis is more of my side I
honestly believe I sit betweenavoidant and disorganized.
But let's talk about theavoidant attachment.
Avoidant attachment can developwhen caregivers are emotionally
unavailable, rejecting ordismissive of their child's
needs.
The child may learn to suppresstheir emotions and distance
themselves from others to avoidpotential rejection and
(11:18):
disappointment.
And how does this impact?
And how does this impact?
This makes an impact by theaborted?
Individual may struggle withintimacy, have difficulty
expressing emotions and preferemotional distance in
relationships.
This one is heavily mine.
I grew up in a very tumultuoushousehold.
(11:41):
My grandmother who wasconstantly recovering from some
form of drug addiction all mylife, or alcoholism, it was
always a thing.
I was a caregiver for her, butalso when my needs came about,
it never mattered.
I remember distinctly spendingso much time in my room away
(12:04):
from her, away from people inthe household or separated from
somehow from them.
I was there in the house, butseparated, for you know eons
amount of time.
Obviously, I went outside a lot.
I was in that age where Iplayed outside, but there were
times where I wasn't evenallowed to go outside, so I had
to stay in my room, wasn't evenallowed to go outside, so I had
to stay in my room and I wasjust and I mean all the way up
(12:25):
to 16, even when you know I'm 16and living with my grandmother,
I can recall, like she justalways.
She's always in her room.
I can remember my grandma'salways in her room, never comes
(12:47):
out, or she's.
There was a period of time shejust stayed on the couch and we
couldn't use the living room formuch of anything.
But that impacted me in a waythat I have a difficulty
expressing my own emotions and Iprefer distance and emotional
distance.
When someone unregulated ordysregulated is engaging with me
, I tend to want to tell a jokeor avoid it or disappear from it
or kind of.
And having a daughter, it'sreal difficult to kind of
(13:09):
navigate this space because whenshe's upset I want to give her
a solution to it, for her tostop crying.
When she's crying over a little, over a boy she's a teenager
now but crying over a boy, Iwant to, you know, be upset at
the dude.
But navigating the wholeemotional space is hard for me
and I try.
But it's definitely a challenge.
And this last one is adisorganized, which is why I
(13:32):
think that I kind of fall intothis disorganized space.
I'll tell you that in a second.
But this style is oftenassociated with childhood trauma
, abuse or neglect, where thecaregiver is both a source of
comfort and fear, the child mayexperience conflicting emotions
and struggle to trust themselvesor others.
Where the caregiver is both asource of comfort and fear, the
child may experience conflictingemotions and struggle to trust
themselves or others.
(13:52):
And what impact does this make?
Disorganized individuals mayhave difficulty forming stable
relationships, experienceemotional instability and
struggle with self-regulation.
I truly believe this is where Ifall, like my recovering
addicted grandmother was veryabusive and I talk about it in a
(14:17):
couple episodes in 15 Minuteswith Dad when I talk about my
trauma.
But my grandmother was verballyabusive, physically abusive,
but also like I really loved herand I didn't even know that my
grandmother was toxic until Iwent to college and a professor
was like cause, I was sayingthings like oh, this is, you
(14:39):
know, I gotta go do this beforethis and this, and then she was
like wait a minute, what?
And she started askingquestions and then she was like
you need to get away from it.
That is toxic.
Your grandmother is toxic.
I'm sorry, I don't want to talkabout it like that, but your
(14:59):
grandmother is toxic the firstperson to ever talk about my
grandmother to me in that wayand it actually made me question
her, because I never questionedthat my grandmother loved me or
who she was or any of that Inever even knew.
I was so much abused until Istarted looking back on my life
and I'm like bro, I was trulyliving a terrible childhood, a
(15:20):
traumatic childhood that Isuppress Every time something
happened.
I knew that I'm so good atsuppressing my trauma at these
and I told my therapist thislast week.
I was like I'm so good atsuppressing my trauma at these
and I told my therapist thislast week.
I was like I am so good atsuppressing my trauma, like so
good that something can happenone week and I would forget it
the next week.
If it was a bad experience, Iwould completely forget it and
(15:43):
try to move on because I need todo a thing that is so wild but
that is disorganized.
It's a mixture of both anxiousand the avoided.
When a person has a caregiveris both a source of comfort and
the source of fear.
Use as a father to heal.
(16:14):
So let's get practical here,like if you're ready to start
your healing journey.
There's five accessible toolsthat bring mental health, mental
clarity, self-awareness andinner peace to your day-to-day
life as a dad One.
Let's normalize therapy andtalk space.
Therapy and talk space.
It's very important that youhave a space to communicate how
(16:36):
you feel.
You can do that with 15 Minuteswith Dad, or you can find some
other forum with fathers onFacebook.
There's groups all throughoutFacebook Fatherhood Fraternity,
there's single dads, there's aco-parenting space.
There's all these differentspaces for fathers and therapy
(16:59):
isn't weakness.
I've been doing it for the lastyear and a half and it's done
wonders for me Me being able totalk out these crazy thoughts
that are in my head and how I'mprocessing it.
I'm understanding that thereare some things that I do wrong,
(17:19):
but there's also some thingsthat should not be okay, that I
accept to be okay and I have toequip myself to rid myself of
them.
But whether it's with acounselor or a mentor, talking
it out rewires your mind, so youcan check out fatherhood
specific support groups oremotional healing podcasts like
15 minutes with dad.
The second one create a dailyemotional check-in and this is
(17:43):
kind of weird to ask, right, butyou could do it on your phone.
There's these.
There's a daily standup app orsomething like that inside of
your.
There's a daily stand-up app orsomething like that inside of
your if you have an Apple phone,or put in your notes, put your
date on there and then check inwhat am I feeling right now.
And you can use voice memos orthe journaling app to check your
(18:08):
emotional temperature beforestepping into dad mode, meaning
like when you wake up in themorning.
Check in how are you feelingtoday and you can be vulnerable
with yourself.
Writing it down and reading ityourself can literally be you
doing some shadow work.
The third one is move your bodyto clear your mind.
Movement is medicine, whetherit's walking, stretching or
(18:32):
boxing.
Movement shifts emotionalweight.
For me, I've been doingBrazilian Jiu-Jitsu consistently
for three months.
I got my first stripe becauseI've been deep into it.
I study it.
I competed, I got second place.
My daughter competed got firstplace.
We we do jujitsu as a family,but jujitsu has changed my life.
(18:55):
I move, I work out hard.
I built a gym in my garage justso I can work out and get
better at jujitsu, but it's allfeeding into how I feel about
myself.
It feels absolutely phenomenal.
The fourth one is replaceself-criticism with
self-compassion Instead ofsaying I should have done better
(19:16):
.
Try, I'm learning and next timeI'll do differently.
I'm learning and next time I'mgoing to do differently.
Talk to yourself the way youtalk to your son or your
daughter in a low moment.
Give yourself that father thatyou may or may not have had.
But tell that statement toyourself.
(19:38):
You wouldn't want your kids tobeat up on themselves.
So you have to be able toemulate that.
And the only way you canpractice what you preach is by
practicing what you preach.
And the last one this one iseasy but also easier said than
done Build yourself a supportsystem.
So many of us dads are walkingaround with no friends, nobody
(20:02):
to hang out with, no one to kindof call up on.
You know he's like hey, heknows I exist.
When he want to talk, he knowsI'm here.
No, reach out to your brothers.
Reach out to your brothers andtalk to them.
Reach out to your friends, yourbuddies, whoever you want to
call them.
Reach out and talk to them.
Find other dads who are walkingthe same path and speak life
(20:22):
into each other.
Like there was a time.
I'm going to go and tell youguys about a time where I had to
face myself.
There was a time I'm going togo and tell you guys about a
time where I had to face myself.
There was a time when I snappedat my kids over something small
, but it really wasn't aboutthem, it was about my stress, my
(20:44):
self-worth and my exhaustion.
Like later that night, Irealized I become a version of
the father I said I wouldn't beDistant, irritable, emotionally
shut down.
That was my wake-up call.
I started journaling, I joineda support group and I got help.
Didn't fix everything overnight, but it helped me show up
(21:07):
differently, more open, morehonest and more human.
Differently, more open, morehonest and more human.
And my kids?
They didn't need a perfect dad,they just needed a present one.
And sometimes dads, we makemistakes.
But there's time, there's lifeand we can make a difference.
Let's be clear Healing isn't aweakness, it's a requirement.
(21:37):
Today we unpacked why mentalhealth is the foundation of
healthy fatherhood, howemotional presence and personal
development for dads begins withhealing.
Five accessible tools to helpyou manage stress, guilt and
anger over old emotional wounds.
So here's your challenge Giveyourself permission to heal this
(22:01):
week.
Pick one tool, whether it'sjournaling, therapy or daily
check-in.
Commit to using it for the nextseven days, one week.
Because when you heal, yourchildren inherit peace.
When you grow, they grow, andwhen you show up real, they feel
safe to do the same.
(22:21):
We're building secureattachments.
Fellas.
Next week we're moving from theinner world to the outer legacy
with redefining masculinitystrength through vulnerability.
So keep showing up, becauseyour healing is a part of their
future.
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