May 22, 2024 • 26 mins
Ever imagine Count Dracula fumbling with a feather quill, drafting a love letter destined for the butcher's daughter? That's the kind of rib-tickling romp we have in store for you, as we navigate the Count's comically earnest attempts to celebrate Valentine's Day in his uniquely vampiric way. From an overeager skeleton courier to a potion snafu that leaves our undead hero purring rather than prowling, we've folded in a delightful mix of humor and horror that will have you laughing out loud. As the yarn spins, we're joined by Sir Bones, whose bone-rattling dedication to mail delivery brings a whole new meaning to 'going postal' amid the love-struck chaos.
Cats may have nine lives, but how will one vampire-turned-feline fare against the playful wrath of tail-wagging pursuers in the alleyways of Honeydale? Brace yourselves as Dracula's pursuit of affection leads to a whisker-tingling chase, setting the stage for a close encounter with a treasure trove that would leave even the most seasoned adventurer wide-eyed. And as if this escapade couldn't get any more thrilling, a dragon's snore adds an incendiary twist to the narrative. Will our charming Count's 'perfect plan' stand the heat, or will it go up in flames? Join us as we scratch beneath the surface of this fanciful tale where love, laughs, and a dash of danger make for an unforgettable Valentine's Day misadventure.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Greetings.
This coming episode will be ourValentine's Day episode.
Please enjoy.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
My darling, my love, my Dracula, my love, kiss me.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Dracula floats through the clouds toward the
butcher's daughter and goes infor a big kiss.
I don't mean to interrupt yourdate, but, uh, you're kissing
Wilson.
Dracula awakens from hisdaydream.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
My apologies.
Uh, talking voice in my head, Igot carried away with my
perfect plan.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Ah ah, ah, okay, I'll bite.
What perfect plan have youconcocted now?
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Why?
It is a simple step.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
You see, as you look at Wilson, the whiteboard who
has been scarred for life fromDracula's sleepwalking, you
notice that he seems to bemalfunctioning.
Large letters saying ERRORappear on the once happy
whiteboard.
Oh dear, I think you broke him.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Ah, nothing, a potion from the Batlab can't fix later
.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
With a snap of his fingers, Dracula transports the
mentally broken whiteboard tothe Batlab.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
As I was saying, though step one write the
perfect Valentine's letter.
Step two deliver it perfectly.
Write the perfect Valentine'sletter.
Step 2.
Deliver it perfectly.
Step 3.
Receive her perfect response.
(01:38):
Step 4.
Have the perfect date.
Step 5.
Have the perfect wedding.
Ah, ah, ah.
Step five have the perfectwedding.
Ah, ah, ah.
Step six have the perfect life.
It's the perfect plan.
Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Ah, ah ah, I see you've put a lot of thought into
this.
Count, count.
What does Igor?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
think I have no idea.
I haven't seen him today.
I gave him the morning off.
It's.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Valentine's after all .
Before you gave him the morningoff, please tell me that he at
least helped you write theletter.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
I don't need Eagle's help with the letter.
I'm a master at my craft.
I can write the perfect letterin two minutes.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
No, screw that In less than a minute.
Well, I better go get some morepopcorn.
Many hours later.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Dear Butcher's Daughter.
Ah, I should really learn hername one of these days.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
I say as I crumble up another failed letter and grab
a new one.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Um, ah, dear beloved, perfect.
Hmm, what do women like?
Maybe I should have waited forIgor.
No, I got this.
I am the lord of darkness.
I can write other letter.
Poetry, yes, poetry, of course.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Oi camera guy zoom in .
Speaker 2 (03:29):
I can see what you wrote.
Oh yes, done, it's perfect.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
Now it is time for step two.
I leave the study with theletter Dang it.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
I wanted to see.
Several hours later we findIgor back at the castle sweeping
one of the castle hallways.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Igor, igor, where are you?
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Down here, master Cleaning.
Who said you could stop?
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Igor says to the broom which rapidly starts
sweeping on its own for dearlife.
Ah, there you are, Igor.
Did any mail arrive yet?
Speaker 1 (04:14):
No, master.
Are you expecting something?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Yes, I sent the butcher's daughterFECT
Valentine's Day card.
Any moment now I expect herperfect response.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Oh, I see, Master, I missed a lot this morning.
I know I shouldn't have left.
Excellent, master, I'm sure youwill have her response any
minute.
Now Wait, master, if you'rewaiting for her response.
Who delivered the letter?
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Why the Royal Mail Courier, of course.
Who else would do it?
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Sir Bones sir.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Yes, of course.
He has been serving anddelivering our letters for
generations.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
But he's a skeleton Master.
Don't you think that mightcause problems in town?
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Of course not he's.
He is the perfect undead personto deliver my letter.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
We find ourselves with Sir Bones, the royal mail
courier, as he makes his way totown to deliver Dracula's letter
.
Wait, what is that music?
We see a skeleton in a fancyblack and red suit with a large
top hat walking happily down thestreet toward town or town.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
In a town where the moon always shines, there's a
skeleton with some sick dancelines.
I've got a smile that couldlight up the night.
Sir Bones is my name and I'mquite a sight.
Sir Bones is my name and I'mquite a sight.
Oh, what a beautiful day.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Sir Bones, seeing some villagers in the fields,
waves to them joyfully.
Speaker 4 (06:28):
Oh hello.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
Hello, hello Happy.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Valentine's Day, good afternoon.
The villagers scream and runaway.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Ah Flee Run.
The end is near.
The end is near.
It is the end of the world.
Skeletons, the skeletons arecoming.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
The entire town screams and runs indoors to
escape the skeletons.
Shortly after, sir Bones entersthe town whistling, happily
Only Dennis, the werepup,remains outdoors waiting for Sir
Bones.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
Oh hello, young pup.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Good day, mmm bones.
Hehehehe, goodie Mmm Baa.
Oh Mmm, hehehe, nice doggy.
Could you tell me where thebutcher's daughter lives, please
(07:40):
, pretty please.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Dennis takes a moment to ponder his options.
Speaker 5 (07:48):
Where's the other guy ?
Ah, there you are.
Other shoulder devil.
Sorry, I was stuck in traffic.
What's the scoop, boss?
Well, this walking pile ofjuicy bones is asking for help.
On the one paw I could help himand maybe get bones, but on the
(08:11):
other paw, entertainment.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Entertainment.
Speaker 5 (08:16):
She lives there.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Dennis says, pointing to a broken-down house in the
alley.
That is definitely not thebutcher's shop.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Oh, thank you, good boy, oh pet pet.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
So Bones turns and walks joyfully into the alley
toward the broken-down house.
Dennis showed him.
He approaches the door andgives it a friendly knock.
The door slides open with aloud eerie creak.
Speaker 5 (08:48):
Who is it?
Speaker 3 (08:50):
Greetings.
I have come to deliver aValentine's Day letter to the
lady of the house.
Speaker 4 (08:59):
Yes, oh my, why.
Thank you, my good man.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
You're most welcome, lady.
Have a happy Valentine's Day.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
That was definitely not the butcher's daughter,
dennis.
What have you done?
Entertainment?
So that's how it went.
Well, I hope you all have somepopcorn to enjoy Dracula's
perfect date.
(09:47):
We find Dracula staring at theclock.
Master, just because you stareat the clock will not make the
time go faster, and please donot think of casting another
time spell.
I do not want to have to cleanup yet another grandfather
paradox.
Grandfather paradox.
Do I want to know?
(10:09):
No, you do not.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Ah, perfect timing.
We may begin step three theperfect date.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
I say as I walk to the door.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Come Igor, love awaits.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
I open the door excitedly.
Hello, cutie.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
I'm here for our date , ah.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
So until we get sponsors, we'll just introduce
you to the cast Nathan Wilson,the Whiteboard, known for great
note-taking, active listeningand most recently becoming a
were-whiteboard thanks toDracula's experiments.
As you can see from hisappearance, wilson's the
whiteboard.
Wait, what do you mean?
You can't see him.
He's right here.
What do you mean?
(11:14):
Podcast?
What does that mean?
Do you not have eyes?
Is he beneath your notice orsomething?
Because he's a whiteboard.
Oh, now look at what you'vedone.
You've made him cry.
I didn't even know that wasphysically possible, but you
went and did it.
Did you think he doesn't havefeelings that he's some object
you can disrespect?
(11:34):
He can feel joy, he can feelsorrow, he can feel love.
He's got a soul, not just aperson as you or I.
He's got such a beautiful soul.
You okay, I'm fine, want totalk about it?
(11:57):
No, shut up.
Are you drunk?
No, shut up.
Are you drunk?
No, what kind of dwarf wouldget drunk on his swill?
A gilder wouldn't know goodbooze if it slapped him in the
face.
Yeah, he's drunk.
Well, next part starts soon.
So, um, hey, seraphina.
Uh, can you go grab a mage, geta inebriation and hangover
(12:22):
spell cure thing over here?
Why are you calling that knife.
You're over here.
We don't need her.
I'm not the kind that you thinkI am.
Our story begins tonight in thetown of Honeydale, a peaceful
village in the mountains whereall is quiet.
(12:43):
It's just another day that endsin Y?
Hmm, that's a lot of dogs.
They seem to be chasingsomething.
Is that a cat?
A cat with a K, something?
Is that a cat, a cat?
Speaker 2 (13:03):
with a cape.
This is me, the cat in the cape.
You're probably wondering how I, dracula the Lord of Darkness,
got into this situation.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Well, to answer that, we must go back away.
A few hours earlier we findourselves in Dracula's study.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
I have done it, Igor.
Another masterpiece.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Excellent Master.
Which idea is this potion forexactly?
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Plan 17.
It's all on the whiteboard,Igor.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Of course, master, but uh, which plan is 17, sir?
17, it's all on the whiteboard,igor.
Of course, master, but whichplan is 17, sir?
Speaker 2 (13:46):
It's a very simple sorting system, igor, try to
keep up ah, of course, master.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
I see my apologies.
I'm over 4,000 years his seniorand I have no clue what he is
talking about.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Your excused.
As I was saying, with thispotion of irresistibility I
shall win the love of thebutcher's daughter.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Where did you get that potion exactly?
The shopkeeper in town, oh him.
This should be good One second.
I need to make some popcorn.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
It is time now for my ascension.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Good popcorn's ready Just in time.
Sir, shouldn't you test itfirst?
Oh boy, Okay, give me a D100.
Speaker 4 (14:47):
Uh what.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
For the potion effect .
Speaker 4 (14:49):
Why this is.
Is this not a potion ofirresistibility?
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Might be, I don't know.
Ask the dice and we'll seeYou're scaring me.
Speaker 4 (15:03):
Might be, I don't know.
Ask the dice and we'll see.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha, they'vescared me.
Uh, uh, forty-two.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Dracula suddenly vanishes without a trace,
leaving behind only his clothesand a pile on the floor.
Master, huh, great.
Now I have to find a newvampire.
Master.
Time to get on that fantasyLinkedIn site, whatever they
called it.
Here lies Dracula, third of hisname.
(15:34):
He died as he lived drinkingrandom s***.
You'd think he'd have knownbetter by now.
Speaker 5 (15:42):
I'm not dead, you idiots.
Is that my voice?
Cough, cough, cough.
Is that my voice?
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Oh well, Master, I don't mean to alarm you, but you
have a tail now.
Well, it is irresistible to catladies and hurries.
Speaker 5 (16:06):
So somewhat a success .
I'm a cat.
I mean, of course, I'm a cat,the potion.
It worked perfectly Just as Iplanned, cause everyone loves
cats.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Of course, master, as you say.
Speaker 5 (16:25):
Now it's off to town to win my bride's affection.
Ha ha ha.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Does he know about her relationship with cats?
No, he will find out soonenough, though I'm making more
popcorn.
You want some?
Yes, please, no butter, thoughNurse Liz told me I need to
watch my cholesterol.
Speaker 4 (16:53):
Alright, I leave the study.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
Dracula makes his way to town.
It takes him quite a bit longerthan normal, since his legs are
tiny cat legs now, and he keptdrifting on his tail and
stopping to lick himself clean.
Speaker 5 (17:08):
Hey Talking voice.
You promised you wouldn't sayanything.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
I only said I wouldn't tell Igor.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
Thrap Stupid loopholes.
Dracula arrives in the town ofHoneydale just as the sun is
going down.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
Igor Thrap Stupid loopholes.
Dracula arrives in the town ofHoneydale just as the sun is
going down.
Wait a minute, why didn't hecatch on fire?
Speaker 4 (17:30):
Because he's a cat now, Not a vampire technically.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Good point, I think Dracula enters the alleyway.
His paw is almost silent on thecobblestone walkway.
He pauses as he comes across.
Holy crap, that's a big dog andit has a book on its face
titled Evil Cats.
At least it's asleep.
(17:54):
Okay, give me a stealth check.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
Okay, okay, do I have advantage or any modifiers,
since I'm a cat now?
Speaker 1 (18:10):
I'll give you advantage and a plus two.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
All right 16.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Okay, the dog is fast asleep, one leg kicking
randomly, almost as if he wasrunning in his dream.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
Alright, I sneak by the dog quietly hugging the side
of the buildings.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
As Dracula sneaks by the dog, he catches Dennis the
werepup, on the roof holding alarge flower pot.
Speaker 5 (18:38):
Dennis, no, no, dennis, yes, no.
This is the way.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
The werepup throws the flowerpot, sending it
crashing next to the sleepingdog.
Ah, dang it what.
They broke the camera.
Speaker 4 (19:01):
Should we tell the directors?
Speaker 1 (19:02):
We are the directors.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Oh right, hey, that's expensive, Dennis you Dennis.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
With a howl, Dennis summons the pack.
Howl Howl.
Dracula flees for his furrylittle life.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Ah, now that we are all caught up, someone help?
Speaker 1 (19:35):
me.
Dracula tore at the corner andWait a minute.
Why is my voice?
Speaker 3 (19:40):
getting quieter.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Wait, no, I'm not done.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
Action-packed and shocking news report.
Members of the Guild, old TKwants to give the live updates
on a 1080, or a Chase Inprogress.
A quaint medieval city, anarrow cobblestone street, dark
alleys fighting the dim light ofnearby lanterns, the silence is
(20:09):
broken with more bark than amaple grove.
An old Dracula, looking likethe fittest, finest, feline-iest
phlebotomic fellow, is boundingup the cobblestone road.
A pack of ferocious dogs in tow.
Old Cat Dracula's reallyputting the moves on those mangy
mongrels.
I tell you those dogs arelooking to make old Drac the
(20:31):
snack that bites back.
That's's that fuzzy furball ofa vampire is darting this way
and that Dodging, ducking,dipping, diving and dodging out
of the way of the carnivorouscanines.
Just when that vindictive,vehement vampire thought he
(20:52):
vexed the vacuous minds of thevillainous dogs and emerged
victorious, a terrible growl isheard.
It's what old TK thought hevexed the vacuous minds of the
villainous dogs and emergedvictorious.
A terrible growl is heard.
It's what old TK can onlydescribe as the mighty roar of a
dragon, echoing from a distance.
And I tell you what if thatdidn't get Count Puss Puss
(21:15):
running the completely oppositedirection, what could he be
running from?
Some form of gigantic,gelatinous-shaped-looking genius
and afflicted with genuinegingivitis, a horrific and
terrible creature from thedeepest bowels of hell.
No, it's much worse than theygave you.
(21:39):
Or in other words, were turkey,that little, gone deep down,
deep down into that cursedcreation?
But the Lord of Darkness is awily one and has a trick or two
up his furry little sleeve.
(22:00):
Seeing his opening, old Dracpounced for an open door in the
distance.
His whiskers bounced in thebreeze as he gracefully glided
through the air.
That Dende Geru is hot on hisheels, though, and trying to
waddle and gobble itsfoul-feathered fanny through the
same door, only to be met bythree inches of solid oak.
(22:21):
Sounds like a Friday night toold TK Count.
Kitty Claws hit thatsilver-susceptible turkey with
the old razzle-dazzle, and nowit's seeing stars Dracula 1.
Dende Geiru 0.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Hey, now that the chase is over, can I please do
my job?
Igor won't pay my bar tabunless I narrate Dracula's life.
Speaker 5 (22:59):
That was too close.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
Dracula pants after narrowly avoiding to wear turkey
once again, he looks around thebutcher's living room.
The butcher is fast asleep inhis chair, still clutching his
cleaver after a hard day's work,oblivious to the ruckus at his
doorstep, Dracula hears thesound of singing in the kitchen
and as he approaches, sees thebutcher's daughter inside
(23:23):
sweeping the floor.
Speaker 4 (23:25):
I hop up on the counter next to her and look as
cute as kittenly possible to her.
And look as cute as kittenlypossible, ahem.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
Meow.
The butcher's daughter turnsand looks at the kitten, her
face changing from one of asmile quickly to one of utter
horror.
Speaker 5 (23:46):
This is not the reaction I was expecting.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Before he can go any further.
The butcher's daughter rearsback and Achoo.
A loud explosion echoes throughthe night, as the sneeze of the
Butcher's Daughter sends CatDracula flying through the sky
like a rocket.
Speaker 5 (24:08):
Why didn't you say she was allergic to cats?
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Oh, must have slipped our minds.
He soars through the night skyand comes crashing down into the
mountains like a meteor.
Speaker 4 (24:23):
All right, Wait, don't tell me.
Let me guess Saving throw.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 4 (24:31):
Since I'm a cat, do I get advantage?
Because all cats land on theirfeet?
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Look, that only counts when they are falling
from heights.
You know less than a hundredfeet.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
Alright, fair enough With dex modifier from cat
sixteen.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Dracula comes crashing into the mountain and
is enveloped by darkness as hebreaks through the surface of
the stone he might actually makea half-decent dwarf that way
and finds himself underground.
He comes to several minuteslater, surrounded in darkness.
It appears he found himself ina cave, A cave with a fresh
(25:10):
skylight that is shaped like acat.
Speaker 5 (25:13):
Ouch that hurt.
Speaker 4 (25:18):
Where am I as I say this?
I cast Dancing Lights to lightup the cave.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
Oh, he shouldn't have done that.
He shouldn't have done that.
I Where's my?
I need more popcorn.
Okay, give me a perception roll.
Speaker 4 (25:38):
Ugh, well, that's a three.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Well, don't worry, you still pass.
Speaker 5 (25:46):
How, yes, how.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
Look behind you, furball.
As the light of the cantripcomes into view, the cave is
illuminated in a soft blue light.
Dracula finds himself in a verylarge cavern.
Piles of gold are covering thefloor with large decorated gold
and jeweled ornaments and chests, suits of armor and treasure
(26:13):
fit for the richest king.
And in the center of all theseriches, on the richest king, and
in the center of all theseriches, on the largest mound of
gold, at the center, a giganticred dragon, oh dear.
So tell me, furball, was thisalso in your perfect plan?
Hey folks, thanks for listeningto our Valentine's Day episode
(26:39):
and next week, also in yourperfect plan.
Greetings.
This coming episode will be ourValentine's Day episode.
Please enjoy.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
My darling, my love, my Dracula, my love, kiss me.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Dracula floats through the clouds toward the
butcher's daughter and goes infor a big kiss.
I don't mean to interrupt yourdate, but, uh, you're kissing
Wilson.
Dracula awakens from hisdaydream.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
My apologies.
Uh, talking voice in my head, Igot carried away with my
perfect plan.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Ah ah, ah, okay, I'll bite.
What perfect plan have youconcocted now?
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Why?
It is a simple step.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
You see, as you look at Wilson, the whiteboard who
has been scarred for life fromDracula's sleepwalking, you
notice that he seems to bemalfunctioning.
Large letters saying ERRORappear on the once happy
whiteboard.
Oh dear, I think you broke him.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Ah, nothing, a potion from the Batlab can't fix later
.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
With a snap of his fingers, Dracula transports the
mentally broken whiteboard tothe Batlab.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
As I was saying, though step one write the
perfect Valentine's letter.
Step two deliver it perfectly.
Write the perfect Valentine'sletter.
Step 2.
Deliver it perfectly.
Step 3.
Receive her perfect response.
(01:38):
Step 4.
Have the perfect date.
Step 5.
Have the perfect wedding.
Ah, ah, ah.
Step five have the perfectwedding.
Ah, ah, ah.
Step six have the perfect life.
It's the perfect plan.
Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Ah, ah ah, I see you've put a lot of thought into
this.
Count, count.
What does Igor?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
think I have no idea.
I haven't seen him today.
I gave him the morning off.
It's.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Valentine's after all .
Before you gave him the morningoff, please tell me that he at
least helped you write theletter.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
I don't need Eagle's help with the letter.
I'm a master at my craft.
I can write the perfect letterin two minutes.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
No, screw that In less than a minute.
Well, I better go get some morepopcorn.
Many hours later.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Dear Butcher's Daughter.
Ah, I should really learn hername one of these days.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
I say as I crumble up another failed letter and grab
a new one.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Um, ah, dear beloved, perfect.
Hmm, what do women like?
Maybe I should have waited forIgor.
No, I got this.
I am the lord of darkness.
I can write other letter.
Poetry, yes, poetry, of course.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Oi camera guy zoom in .
Speaker 2 (03:29):
I can see what you wrote.
Oh yes, done, it's perfect.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
Now it is time for step two.
I leave the study with theletter Dang it.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
I wanted to see.
Several hours later we findIgor back at the castle sweeping
one of the castle hallways.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Igor, igor, where are you?
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Down here, master Cleaning.
Who said you could stop?
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Igor says to the broom which rapidly starts
sweeping on its own for dearlife.
Ah, there you are, Igor.
Did any mail arrive yet?
Speaker 1 (04:14):
No, master.
Are you expecting something?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Yes, I sent the butcher's daughterFECT
Valentine's Day card.
Any moment now I expect herperfect response.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Oh, I see, Master, I missed a lot this morning.
I know I shouldn't have left.
Excellent, master, I'm sure youwill have her response any
minute.
Now Wait, master, if you'rewaiting for her response.
Who delivered the letter?
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Why the Royal Mail Courier, of course.
Who else would do it?
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Sir Bones sir.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Yes, of course.
He has been serving anddelivering our letters for
generations.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
But he's a skeleton Master.
Don't you think that mightcause problems in town?
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Of course not he's.
He is the perfect undead personto deliver my letter.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
We find ourselves with Sir Bones, the royal mail
courier, as he makes his way totown to deliver Dracula's letter
.
Wait, what is that music?
We see a skeleton in a fancyblack and red suit with a large
top hat walking happily down thestreet toward town or town.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
In a town where the moon always shines, there's a
skeleton with some sick dancelines.
I've got a smile that couldlight up the night.
Sir Bones is my name and I'mquite a sight.
Sir Bones is my name and I'mquite a sight.
Oh, what a beautiful day.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Sir Bones, seeing some villagers in the fields,
waves to them joyfully.
Speaker 4 (06:28):
Oh hello.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
Hello, hello Happy.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Valentine's Day, good afternoon.
The villagers scream and runaway.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Ah Flee Run.
The end is near.
The end is near.
It is the end of the world.
Skeletons, the skeletons arecoming.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
The entire town screams and runs indoors to
escape the skeletons.
Shortly after, sir Bones entersthe town whistling, happily
Only Dennis, the werepup,remains outdoors waiting for Sir
Bones.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
Oh hello, young pup.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Good day, mmm bones.
Hehehehe, goodie Mmm Baa.
Oh Mmm, hehehe, nice doggy.
Could you tell me where thebutcher's daughter lives, please
(07:40):
, pretty please.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Dennis takes a moment to ponder his options.
Speaker 5 (07:48):
Where's the other guy ?
Ah, there you are.
Other shoulder devil.
Sorry, I was stuck in traffic.
What's the scoop, boss?
Well, this walking pile ofjuicy bones is asking for help.
On the one paw I could help himand maybe get bones, but on the
(08:11):
other paw, entertainment.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Entertainment.
Speaker 5 (08:16):
She lives there.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Dennis says, pointing to a broken-down house in the
alley.
That is definitely not thebutcher's shop.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Oh, thank you, good boy, oh pet pet.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
So Bones turns and walks joyfully into the alley
toward the broken-down house.
Dennis showed him.
He approaches the door andgives it a friendly knock.
The door slides open with aloud eerie creak.
Speaker 5 (08:48):
Who is it?
Speaker 3 (08:50):
Greetings.
I have come to deliver aValentine's Day letter to the
lady of the house.
Speaker 4 (08:59):
Yes, oh my, why.
Thank you, my good man.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
You're most welcome, lady.
Have a happy Valentine's Day.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
That was definitely not the butcher's daughter,
dennis.
What have you done?
Entertainment?
So that's how it went.
Well, I hope you all have somepopcorn to enjoy Dracula's
perfect date.
(09:47):
We find Dracula staring at theclock.
Master, just because you stareat the clock will not make the
time go faster, and please donot think of casting another
time spell.
I do not want to have to cleanup yet another grandfather
paradox.
Grandfather paradox.
Do I want to know?
(10:09):
No, you do not.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Ah, perfect timing.
We may begin step three theperfect date.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
I say as I walk to the door.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Come Igor, love awaits.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
I open the door excitedly.
Hello, cutie.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
I'm here for our date , ah.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
So until we get sponsors, we'll just introduce
you to the cast Nathan Wilson,the Whiteboard, known for great
note-taking, active listeningand most recently becoming a
were-whiteboard thanks toDracula's experiments.
As you can see from hisappearance, wilson's the
whiteboard.
Wait, what do you mean?
You can't see him.
He's right here.
What do you mean?
(11:14):
Podcast?
What does that mean?
Do you not have eyes?
Is he beneath your notice orsomething?
Because he's a whiteboard.
Oh, now look at what you'vedone.
You've made him cry.
I didn't even know that wasphysically possible, but you
went and did it.
Did you think he doesn't havefeelings that he's some object
you can disrespect?
(11:34):
He can feel joy, he can feelsorrow, he can feel love.
He's got a soul, not just aperson as you or I.
He's got such a beautiful soul.
You okay, I'm fine, want totalk about it?
(11:57):
No, shut up.
Are you drunk?
No, shut up.
Are you drunk?
No, what kind of dwarf wouldget drunk on his swill?
A gilder wouldn't know goodbooze if it slapped him in the
face.
Yeah, he's drunk.
Well, next part starts soon.
So, um, hey, seraphina.
Uh, can you go grab a mage, geta inebriation and hangover
(12:22):
spell cure thing over here?
Why are you calling that knife.
You're over here.
We don't need her.
I'm not the kind that you thinkI am.
Our story begins tonight in thetown of Honeydale, a peaceful
village in the mountains whereall is quiet.
(12:43):
It's just another day that endsin Y?
Hmm, that's a lot of dogs.
They seem to be chasingsomething.
Is that a cat?
A cat with a K, something?
Is that a cat, a cat?
Speaker 2 (13:03):
with a cape.
This is me, the cat in the cape.
You're probably wondering how I, dracula the Lord of Darkness,
got into this situation.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Well, to answer that, we must go back away.
A few hours earlier we findourselves in Dracula's study.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
I have done it, Igor.
Another masterpiece.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Excellent Master.
Which idea is this potion forexactly?
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Plan 17.
It's all on the whiteboard,Igor.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Of course, master, but uh, which plan is 17, sir?
17, it's all on the whiteboard,igor.
Of course, master, but whichplan is 17, sir?
Speaker 2 (13:46):
It's a very simple sorting system, igor, try to
keep up ah, of course, master.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
I see my apologies.
I'm over 4,000 years his seniorand I have no clue what he is
talking about.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Your excused.
As I was saying, with thispotion of irresistibility I
shall win the love of thebutcher's daughter.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Where did you get that potion exactly?
The shopkeeper in town, oh him.
This should be good One second.
I need to make some popcorn.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
It is time now for my ascension.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Good popcorn's ready Just in time.
Sir, shouldn't you test itfirst?
Oh boy, Okay, give me a D100.
Speaker 4 (14:47):
Uh what.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
For the potion effect .
Speaker 4 (14:49):
Why this is.
Is this not a potion ofirresistibility?
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Might be, I don't know.
Ask the dice and we'll seeYou're scaring me.
Speaker 4 (15:03):
Might be, I don't know.
Ask the dice and we'll see.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha, they'vescared me.
Uh, uh, forty-two.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Dracula suddenly vanishes without a trace,
leaving behind only his clothesand a pile on the floor.
Master, huh, great.
Now I have to find a newvampire.
Master.
Time to get on that fantasyLinkedIn site, whatever they
called it.
Here lies Dracula, third of hisname.
(15:34):
He died as he lived drinkingrandom s***.
You'd think he'd have knownbetter by now.
Speaker 5 (15:42):
I'm not dead, you idiots.
Is that my voice?
Cough, cough, cough.
Is that my voice?
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Oh well, Master, I don't mean to alarm you, but you
have a tail now.
Well, it is irresistible to catladies and hurries.
Speaker 5 (16:06):
So somewhat a success .
I'm a cat.
I mean, of course, I'm a cat,the potion.
It worked perfectly Just as Iplanned, cause everyone loves
cats.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Of course, master, as you say.
Speaker 5 (16:25):
Now it's off to town to win my bride's affection.
Ha ha ha.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Does he know about her relationship with cats?
No, he will find out soonenough, though I'm making more
popcorn.
You want some?
Yes, please, no butter, thoughNurse Liz told me I need to
watch my cholesterol.
Speaker 4 (16:53):
Alright, I leave the study.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
Dracula makes his way to town.
It takes him quite a bit longerthan normal, since his legs are
tiny cat legs now, and he keptdrifting on his tail and
stopping to lick himself clean.
Speaker 5 (17:08):
Hey Talking voice.
You promised you wouldn't sayanything.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
I only said I wouldn't tell Igor.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
Thrap Stupid loopholes.
Dracula arrives in the town ofHoneydale just as the sun is
going down.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
Igor Thrap Stupid loopholes.
Dracula arrives in the town ofHoneydale just as the sun is
going down.
Wait a minute, why didn't hecatch on fire?
Speaker 4 (17:30):
Because he's a cat now, Not a vampire technically.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Good point, I think Dracula enters the alleyway.
His paw is almost silent on thecobblestone walkway.
He pauses as he comes across.
Holy crap, that's a big dog andit has a book on its face
titled Evil Cats.
At least it's asleep.
(17:54):
Okay, give me a stealth check.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
Okay, okay, do I have advantage or any modifiers,
since I'm a cat now?
Speaker 1 (18:10):
I'll give you advantage and a plus two.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
All right 16.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Okay, the dog is fast asleep, one leg kicking
randomly, almost as if he wasrunning in his dream.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
Alright, I sneak by the dog quietly hugging the side
of the buildings.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
As Dracula sneaks by the dog, he catches Dennis the
werepup, on the roof holding alarge flower pot.
Speaker 5 (18:38):
Dennis, no, no, dennis, yes, no.
This is the way.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
The werepup throws the flowerpot, sending it
crashing next to the sleepingdog.
Ah, dang it what.
They broke the camera.
Speaker 4 (19:01):
Should we tell the directors?
Speaker 1 (19:02):
We are the directors.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Oh right, hey, that's expensive, Dennis you Dennis.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
With a howl, Dennis summons the pack.
Howl Howl.
Dracula flees for his furrylittle life.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Ah, now that we are all caught up, someone help?
Speaker 1 (19:35):
me.
Dracula tore at the corner andWait a minute.
Why is my voice?
Speaker 3 (19:40):
getting quieter.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Wait, no, I'm not done.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
Action-packed and shocking news report.
Members of the Guild, old TKwants to give the live updates
on a 1080, or a Chase Inprogress.
A quaint medieval city, anarrow cobblestone street, dark
alleys fighting the dim light ofnearby lanterns, the silence is
(20:09):
broken with more bark than amaple grove.
An old Dracula, looking likethe fittest, finest, feline-iest
phlebotomic fellow, is boundingup the cobblestone road.
A pack of ferocious dogs in tow.
Old Cat Dracula's reallyputting the moves on those mangy
mongrels.
I tell you those dogs arelooking to make old Drac the
(20:31):
snack that bites back.
That's's that fuzzy furball ofa vampire is darting this way
and that Dodging, ducking,dipping, diving and dodging out
of the way of the carnivorouscanines.
Just when that vindictive,vehement vampire thought he
(20:52):
vexed the vacuous minds of thevillainous dogs and emerged
victorious, a terrible growl isheard.
It's what old TK thought hevexed the vacuous minds of the
villainous dogs and emergedvictorious.
A terrible growl is heard.
It's what old TK can onlydescribe as the mighty roar of a
dragon, echoing from a distance.
And I tell you what if thatdidn't get Count Puss Puss
(21:15):
running the completely oppositedirection, what could he be
running from?
Some form of gigantic,gelatinous-shaped-looking genius
and afflicted with genuinegingivitis, a horrific and
terrible creature from thedeepest bowels of hell.
No, it's much worse than theygave you.
(21:39):
Or in other words, were turkey,that little, gone deep down,
deep down into that cursedcreation?
But the Lord of Darkness is awily one and has a trick or two
up his furry little sleeve.
(22:00):
Seeing his opening, old Dracpounced for an open door in the
distance.
His whiskers bounced in thebreeze as he gracefully glided
through the air.
That Dende Geru is hot on hisheels, though, and trying to
waddle and gobble itsfoul-feathered fanny through the
same door, only to be met bythree inches of solid oak.
(22:21):
Sounds like a Friday night toold TK Count.
Kitty Claws hit thatsilver-susceptible turkey with
the old razzle-dazzle, and nowit's seeing stars Dracula 1.
Dende Geiru 0.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Hey, now that the chase is over, can I please do
my job?
Igor won't pay my bar tabunless I narrate Dracula's life.
Speaker 5 (22:59):
That was too close.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
Dracula pants after narrowly avoiding to wear turkey
once again, he looks around thebutcher's living room.
The butcher is fast asleep inhis chair, still clutching his
cleaver after a hard day's work,oblivious to the ruckus at his
doorstep, Dracula hears thesound of singing in the kitchen
and as he approaches, sees thebutcher's daughter inside
(23:23):
sweeping the floor.
Speaker 4 (23:25):
I hop up on the counter next to her and look as
cute as kittenly possible to her.
And look as cute as kittenlypossible, ahem.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
Meow.
The butcher's daughter turnsand looks at the kitten, her
face changing from one of asmile quickly to one of utter
horror.
Speaker 5 (23:46):
This is not the reaction I was expecting.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Before he can go any further.
The butcher's daughter rearsback and Achoo.
A loud explosion echoes throughthe night, as the sneeze of the
Butcher's Daughter sends CatDracula flying through the sky
like a rocket.
Speaker 5 (24:08):
Why didn't you say she was allergic to cats?
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Oh, must have slipped our minds.
He soars through the night skyand comes crashing down into the
mountains like a meteor.
Speaker 4 (24:23):
All right, Wait, don't tell me.
Let me guess Saving throw.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 4 (24:31):
Since I'm a cat, do I get advantage?
Because all cats land on theirfeet?
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Look, that only counts when they are falling
from heights.
You know less than a hundredfeet.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
Alright, fair enough With dex modifier from cat
sixteen.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Dracula comes crashing into the mountain and
is enveloped by darkness as hebreaks through the surface of
the stone he might actually makea half-decent dwarf that way
and finds himself underground.
He comes to several minuteslater, surrounded in darkness.
It appears he found himself ina cave, A cave with a fresh
(25:10):
skylight that is shaped like acat.
Speaker 5 (25:13):
Ouch that hurt.
Speaker 4 (25:18):
Where am I as I say this?
I cast Dancing Lights to lightup the cave.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
Oh, he shouldn't have done that.
He shouldn't have done that.
I Where's my?
I need more popcorn.
Okay, give me a perception roll.
Speaker 4 (25:38):
Ugh, well, that's a three.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Well, don't worry, you still pass.
Speaker 5 (25:46):
How, yes, how.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
Look behind you, furball.
As the light of the cantripcomes into view, the cave is
illuminated in a soft blue light.
Dracula finds himself in a verylarge cavern.
Piles of gold are covering thefloor with large decorated gold
and jeweled ornaments and chests, suits of armor and treasure
(26:13):
fit for the richest king.
And in the center of all theseriches, on the richest king, and
in the center of all theseriches, on the largest mound of
gold, at the center, a giganticred dragon, oh dear.
So tell me, furball, was thisalso in your perfect plan?
Hey folks, thanks for listeningto our Valentine's Day episode
(26:39):
and next week, also in yourperfect plan.
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