July 25, 2025 • 46 mins
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Look up with all the things on the bottom. All
our world is you. You're my favorite views. But that's
not and we are back.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Welcome back you, beautiful creatures.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
This said welcome back family, because I'm supposed to be
changing that up, but ever already of welcome backs, We're
just gonna go with it. Okay, Today is Friday Content.
We are going to be doing an article for medium
dot com. We pull articles off this website quite a
bit to just discuss it. As we read things. We
tend to read the same author quite a bit because
she's an actual PhD and she makes sense. We enjoy
(00:47):
the article, so we read them. So a little bit
of housekeeping. I have a book dropping on August fifteenth
that's called You Were Not Broken. The book is designed
written in a way that is supposed to help people.
My goal is to help people get past hardships, heartbreak, divorce, breakups,
you know, loss of parents, in terms of you know,
going to contact or best friends, whatever the case may be.
(01:10):
I've released an early release to people. If you buy
a signed copy, you get a PDF ahead of time,
and the people who have already got the PDF through
our Patreon and Discord community have given me a raving
feedback saying that the book is absolutely incredible. So that
goes live on August fifteenth. If you would like to
buy a signed copy on a pre order, you'll get
the PDF ahead of time and you can read the
book before it comes out. This will release in July,
(01:34):
so we have Greece and May of twenty twenty six.
As of now, we're recording this in the beginning of May.
There are still slots available for that trip. I think
there's like twelve or thirteen slots left. If you want
to travel with this internationally, that's going to be the
trip to do, because we may not do another one
next year. As of right now, there's nothing else planned
for next year other than May have twenty twenty six
for Greece. If that trip completely sells out, then we
(01:56):
can look into do it a trip for later in
the year, but right now that's all we've got planned.
We also have a couple's retreat in August. I think
that by the time this drops, I'm sure that it'll
be sold out. But you guys, if you want to
do domestic couples retreats and we'd like to come and
spend a weekend with us and a house of big
ass house with other couples and like doing the full
gambit of relationships stuff. I highly recommend you just go
(02:18):
to our website to dot com, click on all the
through the resort stuff and the you know, the retreat
things and look to see what meets your schedule and
needs and hopefully we've got something laid out for you. Guys,
Sure there's nothing to get into before we jump int
an article. No, okay, this one's called how how trauma
can fuel a all or nothing thinking? All right, guys,
(02:39):
As you know, there was a TikTok scare. We lost
the app for a whole twelve hours and we have
no idea what the future of the app looks like.
And with that, we are very concerned about the loss
of our following. We have a massed almost three million
followers across that platform with all four of our accounts,
and we are trying to push people to other social
media platforms to that in the event that anything happens
on one app, we have multiple other backup plans. If
(03:02):
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we highly recommend that you check out our patreon.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
On Patreon, we have multiple tiers to choose from. Starting
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If that's something you may be interested in.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Guys, on our fifteen dollars and higher tier, you have
access to live recordings. We record all of our content three, four,
sometimes five times a week live in front of our
Patreon audience, where they are able to chat with us
while we're recording.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
They can see all the flirting.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
And the outtakes, the hot topic conversations that never actually
make it on the podcast, and it's really worth that
aspect in itself. We have an after dark where we
sit down usually once a week and have a glass
of bourbon or and Pach's case of glass of wine
and a bowl of cheese and we have a whole
lot of fun conversations karaoke in the discord we finish
(03:59):
the lyric. We literally just hang out and you guys
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that you check it out.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
The best way to support what we are doing is
to share the content. The second best way is to
check out our Patreon. Thank you guys for being here.
Trigger warning. The following content includes personal experiences and discussions
around difficult topics such as trauma, emotional challenges, childhood, maltreatment,
or abusive relationships. While my intent is to educate and
(04:40):
share personal insights, some readers may find certain content emotionally distressing.
This article is for informational purposes only. If you are
familiar with my writing, then you know that most of
my articles talk about the associations between traumatic childhood environments
and the impact of narcissistic caregivers on our sense of
self worth and our overall ability to function in our
(05:01):
adult lives. The reality is that many of us have
learned to downplay or dismissed the significance of these kinds
of early experiences because a unpacking the past can be
painful and something we are ill prepared to deal with,
and b we may end up knee deep in denial
and think that we're fine and that the past is
best left in the past. Her saying unpacking the past
(05:23):
can be painful and something we are ill prepared to
deal with. The amount of people that we have heard
within our own lives saying, yeah, that sounds like a
really dope experience, or I would love to do that,
I just don't want to face my trauma are continuing
to live in the cycles of being triggered and feeling
worthless because they are too scared or it hurts too
much to face the things that happened fifteen, twenty some
(05:48):
cases thirty years ago.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Yep, and it's crazy because we've heard that both through
about therapy and ayahuasca ceremonies. Yeah, you're not going to
heal if you don't fucking let it go, and unpacking
it is letting it go. You have to pull everything
back out and then put it back together neatly, like
all I can think of is like a gem bag
with all of your shit stuffed in it, where three
(06:10):
people had to like help hold it close to zip it.
But when you take it apart and like you fold
all your shit and you stack it in there nicely,
there's lots of room still and you can put extra
shit in.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Yeah. Yeah, I can't remember what's saying is, but my
mind is is rephrasing, and I suppose to. You can't
fix what you want to acknowledge is damaged.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Yeah, it's a good way to look at that.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Yeah, you're not going to ignore the broken window in
your house because bugs are going to get in. People
can get in the environment, rain, snow, whatever, your.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Ac will get out.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Yeah, and it's going to either run up your bill,
cause a financial strain, or it's going to cause even
more damage to the place that's supposed to give you shelter.
So why not patch up the shelter that's your human body?
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Do the word, Guys.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
It's not always easy facing the uncomfortable truth of what
we lived through or how our earliest experiences have shaped
how we see ourselves and what we believe to be
true about the people in our lives. This can be
an especially hard pill to swallow when facing the reality
of all or nothing thinking and how these kinds of
cognitive distortions typically developed. It pushes us out of denial
(07:14):
and forces us to accept that what we have experienced
was not was not just normal childhood discontent. For anyone
living in a pattern of all or nothing thinking, it
becomes the lens through which we observe the world and
how we assess ourselves. We're either winning or losing, loved
or hated, good enough or a failure. There is no
(07:34):
middle ground, no room for human imperfection, no shades of gray.
We don't wake up one day and suddenly start thinking
in extremes. It happens subtly over time in something that
is molded, conditioned, and learned. A hard truth is that
relatively healthy environments are not teaching the world in absolutes.
As with most things toxic, all or nothing thinking develops
(07:57):
from chaotic and unpredictable environments as part of survival.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
I do that you do.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
I am an all or nothing guy, and like my
all or nothing is to an extreme, like if I'm going,
I'm going, I'm fucking going. And if I'm not, there's
just there's nothing that's going to change that. And that
could be business, it could be relationships, it could be friendships,
it could be me trying to pursue a new hobby
like you know the podcast. When we started all this,
(08:24):
we really should.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Have bought like cheap yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
You know, nothingness, just to see if there was an
interest in it, maxed out credit cards like.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
It happens in disruptions as well.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm working on it, though I
think I've gotten I think I've gotten better about it.
I mean, obviously I'm biased because I know how how
my brain is, like I don't feel it's to the
same extremes. But yeah, that's a hard, hard role to break,
especially when it's forty four years of behavioral patterns. You know,
my my lived experiences is you always do what you've
(08:58):
always done. You always do what you've always got, and
that's what I've always done, and that's why the outcomes
of all of my shit has been shit.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
So trying to break that is rough.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
It is continuing as anyone who understands the implications of
all or nothing thinking. The reason it's based on survival
is because it helps you navigate toxicity fears of the
unknown and unpredictability much easier. If you grew up being
taught love as conditional, you learned that you were either
perfect or horrible. You learned that you were praised for
(09:29):
making your caregivers proud or harshly shamed for making a mistake.
In your adult life, it becomes easier to flip a
switch and arbitrarily change your feelings or opinions on a
friend or a partner, instead of sitting with the discomfort
or rumination and wondering if they actually care about you,
or are they or are they going to abandon you?
In essence, all or nothing thinking gives you a momentary
(09:51):
edge and having the final say, or in being the
first one to abandon a relationship before risking being abandoned
A lot.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Yeah, in essence, I'm just gonna read it again because
that was a lot. In essence, all or nothing thinks,
she gives you a momentary edge and having the final say,
I think she should have perioded that. I don't think
you should have been comment that's a full stop. In essence,
all or nothing thinking gives you a momentary edge and
having the final say. That's taking control in a situation
(10:19):
where you feel helpless or have no control, or in
being the first one to abandon a relationship before risking
being abandoned.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
A lot.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Yeah, when dealing with conflict or fears of being seen
for who you are, it becomes easier to again flip
that switch and project your insecurities and self hatred back
on to the other person and to paint them all
bad in an attempt to save face. The irony is
that they may have been the same person you idolized
last week or for the last year, until your fears
(10:50):
and insecurities took center stage and triggered your survival instincts.
When dealing with conflict or fears of being seen for
who you are, it becomes easier to again flip that
switch and project your insecurities and self hatred back on
to the other person and to paint them as all
bad an attempt to save face. In past lives, I
don't allow these people in my life anymore. People who
(11:12):
I'm talking about know who they are, but also future people,
anybody who has characteristics of the people that I no
longer associate with, are not even going to have the
opportunity to be in my circle and some of the
things that I attribute when I read that. I think
about people who need to go and tell their narrative
first to get ahead of whatever happened. So say, you
(11:33):
guys had an argument on the phone, they hang up,
and now they're calling four other people. They even have
time to sit and process what just happened. They just know, Oh,
I said some shit and it may make me look
like a bad guy, so I need to make sure
everybody hears my version first, right.
Speaker 3 (11:48):
Well, they do that because they know that once that
first version is out there, whether it's lie or fact,
it is so much harder to come back right because
the first story is the one that matters anything Beyond that,
people don't care. It's the hot tea of the moment.
There was something that came across my Facebook feed yesterday
or the day before that said, why is it that
(12:08):
you're so quick to believe a lie the first time
you hear it, but need proof for the truth, Like
it's just wild to me, But yeah, you speaking on that,
protecting your circle and your piece and making sure that
you have Sorry about the weird cut. Guys, I had
a phone call. I thought it was our lawyer, protecting
your piece and your circle. I'm real big on that
shit right now. The last ceremony that we went through,
(12:29):
like I got to see how much we get to
choose our people. And that's why I made it TikTok
yesterday because I was talking to Jeff Grandma getting tattooed
about like the people that we choose to have in
our lives, and like I'm honored to call Jeff my friend.
Like he's a good fucking dude, yea. Like when I
look when I think of like a good man, Jeff
fits that mold. He's a hard worker, he's very, very
devoted to his wife, like we'll go to war and
(12:52):
burn the planet down for her. Is a father to
five children that are his and one that's not. That's
extremely autistic that he's just adopted as.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
His own son.
Speaker 3 (13:01):
Like he's doing everything that a good man is supposed
to do. And for me to be able to have
him my life, have him in my life, and to
be able to call him a friend, means a lot
to me. Like I told him, it's just a badge
of honor, because there's so many other people that we've
come across over the last ten years that are not that.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
Not even close to that.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Yeah, And like I've let a lot of those people
come sit at my table and I've been burned because
of it, so that protecting your space is fucking huge
for me right now.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Yeah, I sent out I don't know if I told
you this.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
I sent out a bunch of messages after ceremony, Like
I sent out because of all the forgiveness I had.
The only person I didn't message was my mom, my
biological but I messaged a whole lot of people and
was like, hey, I'm thinking about you right now. I
just want to let you know that I love you
and I hope that you're in great life and blah
blah blah, And like that ugliness in me is gone,
that animosity and the vindictive not vindictive because I'm not
(13:52):
a vindictive person, but that the need to spit when
their name comes up.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Well, now I'm curious who you message? You know, have
to tell me?
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Okay, yeah, because that's just more work for Carrie. We
can get into it.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
But all right, all or nothing thinking does not allow
room for nuances and perfections or ambiguity. You either need
to be the best or you're a failure. This mindset
shapes everything in your life, from how you look to
how you feel to how your relationships play out. This
mindset also becomes your invisible rule book that you carry
with you, silently influencing how you show up for friends,
(14:25):
for your partner, family, and your job.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
And how you show up for yourself. It really does
that all or nothing mindset and with the like the
way that you the way that you look, Like when
I was powerlifting and doing bodybuilding, like my dieting and
shit became an obsession, psychotic, Like there's no other way
to word that. I locked myself in a room on
Thanksgiving one year so that I wasn't attempted to eat
(14:49):
shitty food because it was shitty food in the kitchen
while I was dieting like it it became like a
full on psychosis and it wasn't all or nothing thing.
And the moment that I broke diet and like I
was done with that, like I got fat again, And
it happened within like three months.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
I went from two hundred pounds like two hundred and sixty. Again.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
It's not healthy to do that shit, but it does
create a whole lot of other issues in life. Yeah,
this article is a lot for me.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
I believe it.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
I will say that I said earlier that my all
or nothing is going away, and I know that it's
going away because of the how I look. I haven't
shaved my face, my head, I need a haircut. I
need a haircut. I didn't wear my hat today. I
(15:35):
don't care. I'm wearing the same pants for two weeks now.
I've taken them off to wash them and put on
other pants that are similar material because I love the
fabric wearing crocs like, I don't give a shit about
that anymore. Like my comfort matters more to me than
my outwardly appearance.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
That all or nothing mindset was a really big thing
for me as well, especially when I was in the
thick of my borderline, and that actually played out during
one of our first disruptions when I hit you with them,
why are you even with me? My mind really associated
(16:12):
hard conversations and arguments as the end of a relationship.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
Yeah, that's the abandonment thing for me. Yeah, I haven't
experienced that in a long time, but that was a
big thing for me too when I was younger. I
don't I don't like that, and we had a whole
thing over that. But there's like, that's one of those
things that had I not at that point, you had
not been diagnosed borderline, but had I not suspected that
(16:39):
you had borderline and you would have said that, I
would have taken it as a form of manipulation. But
I already thought, like at that point, I had already
I had my suspicions that you were just as fucked
up as I was. And you know, I put a
stop to it, and you've never done it to me again.
So and I don't think that people do it in
a means to manipulate. I think when they're doing it
(17:00):
it's genuine. But I also think that they've probably done
that in the past and it's worked out and their
behavi their benefit, because when you behave that way, if
you've got the desired outcome and in that situation of
fight stopping or to be fond over because you need
that repair, once your brain goes, hey, this worked, it
(17:21):
goes back to that. Yeah, it's no different than people
threatening to eliminate themselves. Once they know they can manipulate,
that's to go to and when that no longer works,
they have to find a different means, and if they
don't have the communication skills necessary to articulate their wants
and needs in a way that can smooth things out,
they'll always go to an extreme to get it to
(17:41):
stop quickly. That makes sense, it does.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
It is also this mindset that keeps you stuck where
it becomes impossible to believe that someone can love you
and still need time to themselves, that they may want
a relationship with you and still ask for space, or
that someone can say no and establish a boundary and
still care about you. That's such a that that boundary
setting one. People are so soft nowadays that anybody setting
(18:09):
a boundary feels like confrontation to them.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Right, or they're labeled controlling?
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Right.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
Yeah, people have gotten very used to the people in
their lives to be being pushovers.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Caving in them. Right, it's all the kids, all the time.
You are the center of your universe, but you're not
the only one.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Yeah, everyone has the universe within them. Right is my
thought process.
Speaker 3 (18:28):
On that everyone is the center of their own universe.
Anybody tells you otherwise is full of shit, Because your
self preservation means more than the preservation of the person
next to you. It's in our DNA. It's ingrained in
us to stay alive and to procreate.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
These types of nuances require discernment for developing shades of
gray where a person can hold more than one perception
at a time without losing their positive feeling about the
other person.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
That's a hard one.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
It's worth it, though, to be able to have conflict
and be like, look, I still love you, I just
don't like the situation. Hard was a hard one.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
For me, continuing, When you live with the mental equivalent
of an off switch, your self worth hangs dangerously in
the balance. You're a constantly feeling just one misstep away
from having your value pulled out from under you, where
someone's feedback or constructive criticism can shatter any confidence you
had for yourself. Relationships are experienced as walking on a
(19:21):
tight rope, where any comment from a friend, boss, family member,
or partner is not only analyzed, it is dissected and
played over and over in your mind, where you question
their intent and mentally start pushing them out a way
out of self preservation. This dynamic has negative implications on
your job. How are you supposed to learn, grow and
evolve if you're too scared to accept constructive feedback without
(19:45):
believing there must be something wrong with you. It also
affects your ability to be fully present in your personal relationships.
How can you show up for yourself and others without
the constant, nagging fear of having to be seen as
perfect or you must be garbage.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
That constructive feedback is rough for a lot of people,
even people without trauma. You look at people who are
trying to do something new. People will not do something
purely out of fear of failing at it. Because in
our head we want to be a good musician or
a poet or whatever it is that we admire in
(20:21):
other people, and we're like, we can do that. We
never actually try because when we try, and we know
that we can't, and we don't want to fail at it.
So it's better to have that belief that we can
do it than to attempt and prove that we're not
to that standard. The reality is, though, is you will
never get to that standard if you don't make a
whole lot of mistakes and suck at it for a
really long time before getting there. Even musical savants that
(20:43):
have a leg up at early childhood that can play music,
unless they're like you know, crazy savant. They're not going
to just start off good. And even then when you
look at what they can do as an adult versus
what they were able to do as a child, like,
it's still not the same thing. Those people who are
savants to look back at their child and go, man,
I really sucked compared to what I can do now,
(21:03):
because you've had a lifetime to practice at it and
do the thing. So for you guys who are having
a hard time with constructive criticism, criticism without love is cruelty.
So if somebody that cares about you is giving you criticism,
hey you should try this, or hate, Hey, maybe do that.
They're trying to make you better and it does come
from a place of love. They're not trying to break
you down. And when you understand that, you are able
(21:24):
to take the advice of other people and implement it
a little bit differently. But that's a big one. That's
a big one for a lot of people.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Yeah, all or nothing thinking often hides in the shadows
of the judgments you make about yourself or others. When
no one is looking. The hair trigger flip from all
to nothing seems natural, almost necessary. These patterns don't announce themselves. Instead,
they slip into your choices, your relationships, and your sense
of identity and ways that feel normal. The fear of
(21:52):
being invisible. One of the biggest reasons you may develop
all or nothing thinking is due to a history of
feeling irrelevant or invisible. Maybe you had to vie for
attention over your siblings and become the perfect student or
the funny guy as a way to stand out and
gain attention. If your environment was chaotic or unpredictable, or
if attention and validation were inconsistent, Feeling visible and wanted
(22:14):
can become an obsession. Is no longer about seeing if
others are paying attention to you, but a desperate attempt
and showing that your existence matters.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
This also speaks to the people who have who have
self sabotaged their own relationships. You know, you get people
who are unable to communicate and then blow their fucking
world up and then play the victim. Yeah, and that's
how I see that when you developed that all or nothing,
it's because you felt irrelevant or invisible where you had
to vie for attention.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
That's all of that would play into that. For me.
I'm just trying to add shit as I'm thinking about it,
while you're reading I.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Mean it works. There is this overarching need to feel certain,
certain that others are constantly showing up for you, certain
that you're safe, certain that the rug is not going
to be pulled out from under your feet if you
say something wrong, leaving you once again feeling insignificant or invisible,
or if someone does not show up for you exactly
as you expect, if they cancel plans, or show up late,
(23:09):
or are distracted when they are with you, the switch
gets flipped. Now everything is painted all bad, leaving you
feeling disappointed and abandoned. The reality is that anything you
interpret has less than perfect is seen as unacceptable or broken.
It's not about what actually happened. After all, you should
not expect everyone in your life to be flawless on
time every time, or to hand you their unadulterated attention.
(23:34):
It's more about how you interpreted their actions and impulsively
made a split second decision. It is these expectations that
everyone in your life will come through as perfect that
operate as self protective. By going into a situation with
the underlying belief that you are going to be disappointed
or let down. You are preparing yourself for the inevitable
let down when all or nothing thinking is in place.
(23:57):
The people in your life are held to unrealistic expectations,
include yourself, where you internalize their human imperfections as being
the rationale for splitting them as damaged are no longer wanted,
and thus protecting yourself from further pain.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
The people in your life are how do unrealistic ex expectations,
including yourself, where you internalize their human imperfections as being
a rationale for splitting them as damaged or no longer wanted,
thus protecting yourself from fur their pain. Then, including yourself
is a big one you. We've said this on another podcast.
There's absolutely nothing that anybody is going to ever say
about me that I haven't already said about myself. We,
(24:34):
for the most part, we are our hardest, are our
own worst critics. We are harder on us than anyone
else ever will be. The only difference is we become
so accustomed to talking shit to ourselves that it doesn't
hurt us the way that it does when it comes
from other people, especially if we care about them.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
But that.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
I also think that the more you look down on yourself.
The more you are giving permission for others to look
down on you as well.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
I agree with that they love me, they love me not.
When you live with all or nothing thinking, and it's
not something that can be easily turned off or changed,
it ends up controlling your life, your thoughts, and your beliefs.
At any given moment, you may feel deeply loved by
your family, friends, or your partner, and in the blink
of an eye you can feel the sting of rejection.
(25:19):
The fact is that they may not be doing anything
out of the ordinary. They may have sent a quick
text I'm busy, I'll call you later, but it triggers
all of your insecurities. Most people won't understand how something
as menial as a text message can send you into
a tail spin, or how a delayed response from someone
you love can hijack your nervous system. Instead of taking
(25:41):
the text at face value, you began ruminating on the
other times people may have sent you a similar text,
or you fixate on the last time someone took too
long to respond while making assumptions about their behavior. Suffice
to say, miscommunication assumptions are two of the biggest reasons
relationship issue surface, Yet the people in your life may
not be behaving any differently towards you. It boils down
(26:03):
to your interpretation and perception of their behavior that leads
to flipping that switch and painting them all bad.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
I also think that, in that same breath, the text
message aspect of it is part of the problem. Elaborate well,
if I if you're having a rough moment and I'm like, hey,
I'm busy right now, I'll call you back, or I'm busy,
give me fifteen minutes or whatever I say, and you're
already having a bad day and you need me, You're
going to take that cold text message as I'm not
there for you. But if you were to call and
(26:31):
you were like, hey, are you busy, and I'm like,
I'm with my boss right now, I'll call you back
to fifteen minutes or I you know, the worst case scenario,
I silence to call and then text you.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
I wouldn't do that.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
It wouldn't matter if I was sitting with my boss
or my pasture or Jesus, if the phone rings my
wife's calling me, You're gonna have to fucking wait a minute,
what's up, babe.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
I'm with somebody right now.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
I'll call you back right Like I'm answering the phone call,
because in the grand scheme of things, if you're in
an emergency, is there anything that I can do to
stop the emergency?
Speaker 1 (27:00):
There's not.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
In reality, if there was a really bad emergency, nine
to one one is who you should be calling. But
I should be the next phone call that's made so
that I can get to wherever you're being taken. Or
if there's you know, a fucking pipe burst at the house,
where's the off switch? Like if I don't answer that
phone and I call you back fifteen minutes later and
we've dumped two thousand gallons of water, like that's a
huge ass water bill. Like there's a whole lot of
(27:23):
this takes priority over this, this interview or this meeting,
or whatever the case may be. And I know that
you're all you may may be married, may not be married,
but my wife is important to me, So fucking wait
a minute. But that's the difference between the text message.
If you sent a text message and I hit you
with a cold reply while you were going through something
or you really fucking needed me, you're going to go
through that or your are gonna get message after message
after message after message, when a phone call would have
(27:45):
been the way to go because you would have heard tone.
I would have been able to hear your tone could
have been just real quick, where's the water off switch?
Call me back in fifteen minutes to turn the water off, right, Like,
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
I think that people.
Speaker 3 (28:02):
Who have all or nothing obviously they already deal with
their self worth issues according to this article, So in
a situation where they are with somebody that they view
as there, I don't want to stay superior, but I
guess that's the word because if they if you feel
inferior to them, whether they're your boss, somebody that you
admire or look up to, maybe you're meeting, you're a
(28:23):
musician of some sort or whatever. We have this expectation
of these people being bigger than us, So we want
to try to make the best fucking impression. But I'm
willing to bet that those people would take the phone
call from their person if it rang like there's a
time and place like there are a time when you
can't Like if you're a surgeon and you're in surgery
(28:44):
and phones' ring and it's not a locker, like there's
not a place for that courtroom.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
Same thing.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
But if you're just an average joe who's living your life,
your family should take a priority over your job. It
should take it over your fucking boss's opinion. You know,
I would. I would be impressed by that as a
business owner or somebody that is in the position that
we're in. If somebody was meeting us and their wife
called or their husband called, and they took the call
was a hang on a minute, and took their call,
(29:09):
I'd be like, good on you for that, Like we're
just people. Your wife will be here or your husband
will be here until the end of your days. Hopefully
prioritize that motherfucker like you know, I would respect that.
I would respect that a whole lot more than being like, oh,
it's just my wife and put it in your pocket. Right,
you better answer that phone, bro like rambling.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
I don't think you're rambling. I think you're making a point.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
Those who are not lived with all or nothing thinking
and the weight of carrying it won't understand the emotional
toll it can take on a person. They may call
you extra or dramatic without comprehending the back and forth
war that is going on inside of your head. It's
like having an emotional whiplash where you're constantly being pulled
from one extreme to the other. More than the overt
feelings and exhaustion that will go with all or nothing
(29:55):
thinking is how you constantly doubt yourself. You'll learn not
to trust things as they are, but to always look
for agendas and the other shoe to drop. You develop
an internal dialogue where you ruminate on what a person said,
what they did, or how they came across to you.
You shame yourself into wrongly believing you said the wrong thing,
did the wrong thing, or somehow upset the other person.
(30:17):
Then you convince yourself that they are going to leave
you or no longer want you in their life, so
you flip the script and paint them all.
Speaker 3 (30:22):
Bad that that first part of that paragraph. They may
call you extra dramatic without comprehending them back and forth
and the war that's going on in your head. This
comes down to knowing your person. Excuse me if you
have If you have enough conversations with your person, you
truly understand the way they think. You know if they're
(30:43):
being dramatic or if they're really struggling and if you
don't and you think that they're just being dramatic all
the time, and you are that disconnected with your partner,
you never really connected to them. Like it's not hard
to read a room, it's really not. And people I
know that people are like, well, they're like I said,
they're just being dramatic. If you really think that your
person is just just a dramatic person, do you really
(31:04):
know your person? Have you ever stopped to be like, hey,
why do you do that?
Speaker 1 (31:08):
What do you mean? Why do I do that? Well,
I've noticed that.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
You know, when we have these kinds of situations, your
go to response is this, why do you do that?
I'm sure they'll be like, what do you mean? Why
do I do that? And they might get defensive and
become dramatic all over again. But if you're like, look,
I love you, I'm not mad about it. I'm just
trying to understand why you do these things so that
I can understand you better, you'll get to the point
where you don't have to have conflict. You know, those
(31:31):
situations will come up in like apologies can happen before
there's even a conversation about it. I think that people
stop paying attention to their person and started paying too
much attention to their phone.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
I agree with that statement. I despise technology.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
I know you do.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
It sucks to be in a room with one person
or more people and everyone's just on their.
Speaker 3 (31:50):
Phone because they're looking for stimuli that they're not getting
from their friends or their social studies. Right, well, yeah,
it's stimuli they're looking for that that dopamine hit. If
you go to a party and everybody's having a great time,
nobody's on their phone. But the moment that the stimuli
of the party either becomes too much or is no
longer keeping them entertained, the phones come out, unless unless
(32:11):
they're trying to look something up. Like there's obviously caveats
to that, but you know you see people at restaurants
when we go out to eat.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
I don't scroll my phone.
Speaker 3 (32:18):
I pick my phone up when i'm when I like
have something I need to look up, or if I'm
trying to like, oh shit, I was supposed to message
this person about money or whatever. Like that'll take presence,
but for the most part, I'll fuck my phone we're
out eating or when we're out in general, unless it's
necessary workshit, Like I don't doom scroll. We're in public.
I don't doom scroll we're out on dates. I just
don't think that it's trying to live. I'm trying to
(32:40):
be very in the moment with things, and a lot
of the times, like I've gotten recently, I've gotten to
the point where I've been forgetting to do shit because
I'm like, I'll just do it later because i don't
want to lose the moment, right, And that came from ceremony.
But yeah, I didn't even take my phone with us
the last couple times for a walk. I've just left
at the house. I'm not gonna do much while walking
the dogs. But like, if I can't go fifteen minutes
and remember to post a TikTok or something, then I
(33:02):
have a bigger problem with my brain than I think,
you know what I mean. I've also noticed that I'm
not engaging with people as much because my phone's not
with me constantly or I'm not constantly on it. Like
I'm trying to still maintain relationships, but trying to do
it with a way that is not bullshit like videos
(33:22):
and memes and like, because it's not a real connection.
I agree, it's pebbling is what they call that, where
you're sending people things to just keep a connection going,
but it's it's superficial.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
It's not, Yeah, you sent me this really cool meme,
but you didn't tell me your grandmother died last weekend,
right right? I want I want beyond surface level communication.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
I want people to care about me the way that
I care about them.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
That's something I'm having a hard time with right now.
Is that because I opened up to somebody and they
left me on red.
Speaker 3 (33:49):
Yeah, I would have reached back out. I would have
because you have no idea what they were going through
at the moment, you know what I mean. Like I'm
somebody that opens messages a lot and don't get back
to them.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
I mean, you do it too.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
No, I don't open mysages unless I'm ready to respond to.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
Really, I open mind and I'll get back to it.
Like if it's something that I need to see or
I think I need to see it, I'll open it
right away. But there have been messages that have sat
that I don't reply to for a couple of days
because I'll forget. But you never know what somebody's going
through in their personal lives. If you really needed to
talk to somebody and they left you on red. I
would ask them, like, hey, was that intentional? Like I
really needed you, you kind of dropped the ball. I
(34:23):
would give them the opportunity to at least explain themselves.
They don't owe you an explanation, but I would like to.
I would like to know, like they would owe me
an explanation, but I would at least like to hear
where they have to say as to why they left
me on RED. I get it, though, I fucking get it,
because we're the type of people that when people need us,
we stop what we're doing. But I also understand that
(34:44):
that's not everybody. And there's also a hierarchy, you know
what I mean, Like if you and I are dealing
with something and somebody else that I cared about reached
out and needed me. If you and I are the
priority in the moment, they're not getting that from me
like I have. My priority is us first and then
everything else second. So it's a lot to think about.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
It is the worst part is you know what's happening,
but once the pattern is kicked in a gear, it's
difficult to stop. Instead, you may find yourself compulsively overapologizing
or shutting down and testing them to see if they
will ask you what's wrong. I'm not that person. I'm
going to ask you one time what's going on? I fit,
I'll ask you three times. That's not going to be
(35:24):
back to back, but I'll ask you three times, and
on that third time it's gonna be. Look, this is
gonna be the last time I ask you. Yeah, this
is your last opportunity to have this conversation or I'm
moving on. If you try to burch this conversation again,
it's not going to be with me.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
So what's the answer to that.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
If they're not ready to talk about it, just say
I'm processing a lot right now. When when I'm ready
to talk to it, I'll come find you.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
See, that's the difference between you having to prize something
out of somebody and somebody acknowledging that there's actually something
going on. And like, I've gotten a lot of hate
hate because I'm not doing that. If I've asked you
a couple of times what's going on and you try
to bring it up later, now, fuck that. We try
to talk about it and you shut that shit down.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
You lied to me.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
This is the way that I view that you are
going through something. I knew you were going through something.
I could see it. I can physically feel it because
the energy in the fucking room is off. And you
told me nothing, so you lied to me. But what
you just said is the right answer. I'm processing. I
am absolutely bothered by some things right now, and until
I can get to the root and have the honest
conversation of what's going on, I don't want to talk
(36:23):
about it. Okay, cool, are you leaving? No, you're not
leaving me? All right, dope, we'll talk about when we
can talk about it. Yeah, doing you know, like, let's
try to at least live a normal life while you're
processing your shit.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
And that's the other end of that.
Speaker 3 (36:37):
The people who will be like nothing, nothing, nothing will
change their behavior in the home or with their.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
Partners, slamming cabinets and puffing and puffing in one word responses.
Speaker 3 (36:46):
Because you should know better if you're processing. Guys, if
you're going to use that line, I'm processing, and I'll
get back to you. You need to quell all of the
angst inside of you and live a normal life while
you're processing, and then have a calm conversation afterwards, and
sometimes it's not going to be easy, but it's necessary.
Speaker 2 (37:03):
When I have to tell you that I'm processing right
now and I'll tell you when I'm ready. I'm not peppy,
I'm not dancing around the house and singing. But I'm
also not ignoring you. I'm not giving you the cold shoulder.
I am not taking what I'm going through out on you.
I'm still asking you if there's anything you need, giving
(37:23):
you four head kisses, try my best to flirt with
you when I'm going through it.
Speaker 3 (37:28):
Yeah, there's a difference between, like you said, being peppy
and being miserable. You can be going through something and
not portray miserability, like because you're making the environment that
you live in uncomfortable for fucking everyone. At that point.
You can be going through something and try to be
as civil as possible until you can figure out what's
going on and then come to resolution. There's going to
be times, though, for those of you who use that line,
(37:49):
there's gonna be times where it's going to be uncomfortable
and there's nothing you can do about it, especially if
you know it was something you did. Yeah, and most
of the time if it was something you did. You
have an idea of what it was like, you kind
of already know, and you're just waiting for their side
of the story. When you can be like, hey, was
it this, Yeah, you feel like you'd know what you did,
especially if you know your person.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
You know.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
While it sounds manipulative, it's not. It's a cry for
help and a cry for peace. It's a desperation to
be truly seen and truly loved without judgment and without
having to explain how you are hardwired or why. Healing
from a history of all or nothing thinking is not
just a simple mindset hack or a quick fix. One
of the hardest parts about your growth will probably be
(38:31):
learning how to fight the urge to turn your progress
into being about all or nothing. It's not about either
being perfect at growth or failing. It's about understanding and
respecting the journey and taking notes as you go. If
you have learned to look at the world and the
people in your life and absolutes, it will take time
to unwrap how this started, when it started, and why.
(38:54):
You will need to learn self compassion and to find
healthier and more realistic shades of gray. When it comes
to navigating how you see yourself and others. Not about
suddenly allowing yourself to be imperfect, but it's continuing to
show up for yourself even if you're scared and imperfect.
It's not about walking away from someone to prevent them
from possibly hurting you, but choosing to stay with them,
(39:14):
knowing that no one is perfect and even healthy partners
may inadvertently hurt each other. About practicing to sit with
your fears, even if your first instinct is to run
and try and prevent the fears that scare you the most.
Speaker 3 (39:26):
That line, no one is perfect and even healthy partners
may inadvertently hurt each other. That happens, It happens with us.
I am not as articulate as I like to believe
I am, and sometimes in my quick like flying off
to handle thinking, I cuss a lot, or I'll say
some shit that made total sense to me but made
(39:46):
no sense to you, and it offended you right, like
this shit's going to happen. I'm like, that's not what
I meant, Like, this's just the way that I talk sometimes,
and that's you know, that's something that I know that
I need to work on. I called, I said something
about something being stupid. And you were like, what the fuck?
And I'm like, oh man, here we go. Like I
know that that was a really bad term, and it's
not like the way that it was worded was not
(40:08):
the way that I meant it, But it made sense
to me in the moment, which is why I said
it the way that I had said it. Then we
had an old as conversation about it. But once that's
out and it makes you feel a certain way, or
you say something that makes me feel a certain way,
once that feeling is there, that feeling is there, and
even if it's a even if it is a total misunderstanding,
once feelings are hurt, feelings are hurt, it takes time
(40:28):
for that that damn that's stung to go away, right
Like pain never just stops instantly, And I think it's
the same thing with emotional pain. And I think having
a little bit of grace with a person who is
a long way, especially in those situations. You know, if
your person is a malicious individual and that's the way
that they always are, that's a very different conversation than
the people who were inadvertently hurting each other. I agree,
(40:49):
And that's where grace comes in because I can have
grace in forgiveness with people who do things boneheadedly right,
like you're not all there in the moment thinking you're
you know, you maybe even be your sentence together in
a way that works, or you know, you went to
the store and forgot to grab me a Snickers bar
or whatever the case may be. Like sometimes life is
just busy. But if you're like, hey, I'm gonna go
(41:10):
to the store and you're like, can you get me
a drink, I'm like no, And I go to the
store and I get my drink and come home and
like with fuck, you know what I mean, Like that's
intentionally being an asshole type shit, and it's very different.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
I agree.
Speaker 3 (41:20):
I think the all or nothing thing can I think
all or nothing thing can actually become a superpower as well.
You look at every business that I've ever done, anything
that I've ever set my mind to doing, it's been
I'm gonna fucking do this or die trying and that
and maybe even that aspect comes from a trauma response
because I wasn't always that way. When I was younger,
I didn't give a shit about anything. I was fucking lazy.
(41:42):
I had no ambition or goals like I was just
a piece of shit young man. Yeah, but knowing that
no one's going to do anything for me, and that
if I want the life that I want to live,
that I have to go out and do the things
that's going to get me there and change that thought
process for me. And I've already had nothing. I know
what that's like. If I went back to doing that,
though it would suck. I've survived that before, but I
(42:04):
don't know what it looks like to be a multi
multi millionaire. I want to do that now.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
Hey, guys, a little quick interruption. If you're enjoying the content,
please leave alike, and also don't forget to comment. We
enjoy interacting with you guys and hearing your opinions and
it helps the algorithm.
Speaker 3 (42:18):
It's also free to do, and if you really want
to help make sure the show continues to do, hit
the subscribe button and share the content across your social
media is. It costs you nothing and it greatly helps
the show.
Speaker 1 (42:27):
So in that.
Speaker 3 (42:28):
Aspect, like it comes down to how bad do you
want something? How much are you willing to put yourself
in uncomfortable situations to get there? And that all or
nothing shit could be I mean, I think all I think,
even ADHD. I think that people who have borderline and
have that like obsessive shit, even obsessive compulsive disorder to
a degree, can be used as a superpower if you
find a way to channel it in a way that
makes you success, successful and whatever success looks like to you.
Speaker 1 (42:53):
But yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
I mean, I agree, that does make sense.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
So I've pulled some notes.
Speaker 3 (43:00):
I make notes for you guys who don't are not
familiar with the podcast. I make notes for everything because
I'm very scatter brained. One minute, I've got a great idea.
In the next minute, I'm thinking about Freedo's with chili cheese,
sauce inside of the bag and a spork.
Speaker 1 (43:16):
It happens.
Speaker 3 (43:18):
And I wrote down one of my notes says, you
need to feel what you're going through, especially if it's
an extreme emotion anger, hate, love, compassion. This is where
greatness and creativity is stemmed from. This is where people
really focus. I've said on the podcast in the past
that if you want to see somebody do some really
great shit break their heart, you look at all the
greatest comeback stories ever.
Speaker 1 (43:37):
It's all got heartbreaking. It's where it starts.
Speaker 3 (43:39):
You lose a loved one, you lose a family member,
you lost the job that you use, your dream job,
and now you're coming back harder to fucking open your
own business or whatever the case. Maybe all the great
acts of poetry, music all stems from heartbreak, paintings, all
of it. So if you're somebody that has the all
or nothing mindset and something makes you angry or it
(43:59):
hurts your feelings to that degree, you need to really
process that, figure out why it is that it's hurting
you the way that it is, because that is where
greatness comes from, and that greatness and that aspect could
be this all or nothing comes from the fact that
I didn't get attention as a kid, and I it
just never ends in making this up. But like, it
could be that for you, it could be that your
parents would lock you in a room so they could
(44:21):
have people over and you weren't bothered to their boyfriend
or girlfriend. It could be a whole lot of things
that made you realize that you came last in somebody
else's life, especially when you were younger, and if you had,
like she said, this lady writes a lot about narcissistic caregivers.
If your parent's a narcissist, you are fucking last because
everything in the world revolves around them, and that's just
the way that it's got to be. And you're gonna
(44:42):
have a whole lot of hardships growing up and a
whole lot of things that you got to work through.
And if you are able to process your emotions inward
and like follow that string all the way back to
where that emotion stems from and why you're triggered and
why you feel the way that you do, there's your greatness.
That's your superpower. Now I know that this feeling stems
from this instant in my life, and then you can
start going okay, well, where in other instances in my
(45:03):
life as that happened, because at some point along the lines,
you've protected yourself enough for.
Speaker 1 (45:07):
That shit to stop.
Speaker 3 (45:09):
Now you need to implement new things in your life
because you know what to look out for to make
sure that that doesn't happen again. And then you can
start building better relationships with people. Your social circle change.
You know, you could you could raise a different job,
Like the whole lot of things about your life that
would be elevated because you're aware that's the greatness in.
Speaker 2 (45:26):
That, like having a roadmap with all the hazards on it.
Speaker 3 (45:30):
Right fucking right. You remember where you're driving through Punta
Gorda the other day and we saw those railroad crossing
things and the whole GPS screen looked like an a
hazard X on everything, Like, what the hell is that?
And we got close we realized it was with railroad
tracks as we zuomed way out. But that having that
roadmap goes a long way.
Speaker 1 (45:51):
You know, it's it's a cheat sheet, it is. With
that being said, guys, we hope that you enjoyed the podcast.
We made it for you and remember you were the
author of your own life. To grab a pen and
we will see you on the next one, hye, guys,
Look up with all the things on the bottom. All
our world is you. You're my favorite views. But that's
not and we are back.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Welcome back you, beautiful creatures.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
This said welcome back family, because I'm supposed to be
changing that up, but ever already of welcome backs, We're
just gonna go with it. Okay, Today is Friday Content.
We are going to be doing an article for medium
dot com. We pull articles off this website quite a
bit to just discuss it. As we read things. We
tend to read the same author quite a bit because
she's an actual PhD and she makes sense. We enjoy
(00:47):
the article, so we read them. So a little bit
of housekeeping. I have a book dropping on August fifteenth
that's called You Were Not Broken. The book is designed
written in a way that is supposed to help people.
My goal is to help people get past hardships, heartbreak, divorce, breakups,
you know, loss of parents, in terms of you know,
going to contact or best friends, whatever the case may be.
(01:10):
I've released an early release to people. If you buy
a signed copy, you get a PDF ahead of time,
and the people who have already got the PDF through
our Patreon and Discord community have given me a raving
feedback saying that the book is absolutely incredible. So that
goes live on August fifteenth. If you would like to
buy a signed copy on a pre order, you'll get
the PDF ahead of time and you can read the
book before it comes out. This will release in July,
(01:34):
so we have Greece and May of twenty twenty six.
As of now, we're recording this in the beginning of May.
There are still slots available for that trip. I think
there's like twelve or thirteen slots left. If you want
to travel with this internationally, that's going to be the
trip to do, because we may not do another one
next year. As of right now, there's nothing else planned
for next year other than May have twenty twenty six
for Greece. If that trip completely sells out, then we
(01:56):
can look into do it a trip for later in
the year, but right now that's all we've got planned.
We also have a couple's retreat in August. I think
that by the time this drops, I'm sure that it'll
be sold out. But you guys, if you want to
do domestic couples retreats and we'd like to come and
spend a weekend with us and a house of big
ass house with other couples and like doing the full
gambit of relationships stuff. I highly recommend you just go
(02:18):
to our website to dot com, click on all the
through the resort stuff and the you know, the retreat
things and look to see what meets your schedule and
needs and hopefully we've got something laid out for you. Guys,
Sure there's nothing to get into before we jump int
an article. No, okay, this one's called how how trauma
can fuel a all or nothing thinking? All right, guys,
(02:39):
As you know, there was a TikTok scare. We lost
the app for a whole twelve hours and we have
no idea what the future of the app looks like.
And with that, we are very concerned about the loss
of our following. We have a massed almost three million
followers across that platform with all four of our accounts,
and we are trying to push people to other social
media platforms to that in the event that anything happens
on one app, we have multiple other backup plans. If
(03:02):
you want to make sure that you're not missing any content,
we highly recommend that you check out our patreon.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
On Patreon, we have multiple tiers to choose from. Starting
at ten dollars, you begin to receive exclusive content. At
fifteen dollars a month, you get access to our private
discord server, where we've enmassed in an absolutely amazing community
of supportive people. And beyond that, we have other tiers
to check out, along with my two private women's group.
If that's something you may be interested in.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Guys, on our fifteen dollars and higher tier, you have
access to live recordings. We record all of our content three, four,
sometimes five times a week live in front of our
Patreon audience, where they are able to chat with us
while we're recording.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
They can see all the flirting.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
And the outtakes, the hot topic conversations that never actually
make it on the podcast, and it's really worth that
aspect in itself. We have an after dark where we
sit down usually once a week and have a glass
of bourbon or and Pach's case of glass of wine
and a bowl of cheese and we have a whole
lot of fun conversations karaoke in the discord we finish
(03:59):
the lyric. We literally just hang out and you guys
get to hang out with us. There is a host
of other perks, including zoom calls that are coming for
the Ultimate tier, so that if you guys are having problems,
you can talk to us. It also gives you with
the heads up on private meet and greets because when
we travel we try to meet up with people on
our discord on a regular basis. There's a whole slew
of other perks that come through Patreon. I highly recommend
that you check it out.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
The best way to support what we are doing is
to share the content. The second best way is to
check out our Patreon. Thank you guys for being here.
Trigger warning. The following content includes personal experiences and discussions
around difficult topics such as trauma, emotional challenges, childhood, maltreatment,
or abusive relationships. While my intent is to educate and
(04:40):
share personal insights, some readers may find certain content emotionally distressing.
This article is for informational purposes only. If you are
familiar with my writing, then you know that most of
my articles talk about the associations between traumatic childhood environments
and the impact of narcissistic caregivers on our sense of
self worth and our overall ability to function in our
(05:01):
adult lives. The reality is that many of us have
learned to downplay or dismissed the significance of these kinds
of early experiences because a unpacking the past can be
painful and something we are ill prepared to deal with,
and b we may end up knee deep in denial
and think that we're fine and that the past is
best left in the past. Her saying unpacking the past
(05:23):
can be painful and something we are ill prepared to
deal with. The amount of people that we have heard
within our own lives saying, yeah, that sounds like a
really dope experience, or I would love to do that,
I just don't want to face my trauma are continuing
to live in the cycles of being triggered and feeling
worthless because they are too scared or it hurts too
much to face the things that happened fifteen, twenty some
(05:48):
cases thirty years ago.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Yep, and it's crazy because we've heard that both through
about therapy and ayahuasca ceremonies. Yeah, you're not going to
heal if you don't fucking let it go, and unpacking
it is letting it go. You have to pull everything
back out and then put it back together neatly, like
all I can think of is like a gem bag
with all of your shit stuffed in it, where three
(06:10):
people had to like help hold it close to zip it.
But when you take it apart and like you fold
all your shit and you stack it in there nicely,
there's lots of room still and you can put extra
shit in.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Yeah. Yeah, I can't remember what's saying is, but my
mind is is rephrasing, and I suppose to. You can't
fix what you want to acknowledge is damaged.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Yeah, it's a good way to look at that.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Yeah, you're not going to ignore the broken window in
your house because bugs are going to get in. People
can get in the environment, rain, snow, whatever, your.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Ac will get out.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Yeah, and it's going to either run up your bill,
cause a financial strain, or it's going to cause even
more damage to the place that's supposed to give you shelter.
So why not patch up the shelter that's your human body?
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Do the word, Guys.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
It's not always easy facing the uncomfortable truth of what
we lived through or how our earliest experiences have shaped
how we see ourselves and what we believe to be
true about the people in our lives. This can be
an especially hard pill to swallow when facing the reality
of all or nothing thinking and how these kinds of
cognitive distortions typically developed. It pushes us out of denial
(07:14):
and forces us to accept that what we have experienced
was not was not just normal childhood discontent. For anyone
living in a pattern of all or nothing thinking, it
becomes the lens through which we observe the world and
how we assess ourselves. We're either winning or losing, loved
or hated, good enough or a failure. There is no
(07:34):
middle ground, no room for human imperfection, no shades of gray.
We don't wake up one day and suddenly start thinking
in extremes. It happens subtly over time in something that
is molded, conditioned, and learned. A hard truth is that
relatively healthy environments are not teaching the world in absolutes.
As with most things toxic, all or nothing thinking develops
(07:57):
from chaotic and unpredictable environments as part of survival.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
I do that you do.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
I am an all or nothing guy, and like my
all or nothing is to an extreme, like if I'm going,
I'm going, I'm fucking going. And if I'm not, there's
just there's nothing that's going to change that. And that
could be business, it could be relationships, it could be friendships,
it could be me trying to pursue a new hobby
like you know the podcast. When we started all this,
(08:24):
we really should.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Have bought like cheap yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
You know, nothingness, just to see if there was an
interest in it, maxed out credit cards like.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
It happens in disruptions as well.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm working on it, though I
think I've gotten I think I've gotten better about it.
I mean, obviously I'm biased because I know how how
my brain is, like I don't feel it's to the
same extremes. But yeah, that's a hard, hard role to break,
especially when it's forty four years of behavioral patterns. You know,
my my lived experiences is you always do what you've
(08:58):
always done. You always do what you've always got, and
that's what I've always done, and that's why the outcomes
of all of my shit has been shit.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
So trying to break that is rough.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
It is continuing as anyone who understands the implications of
all or nothing thinking. The reason it's based on survival
is because it helps you navigate toxicity fears of the
unknown and unpredictability much easier. If you grew up being
taught love as conditional, you learned that you were either
perfect or horrible. You learned that you were praised for
(09:29):
making your caregivers proud or harshly shamed for making a mistake.
In your adult life, it becomes easier to flip a
switch and arbitrarily change your feelings or opinions on a
friend or a partner, instead of sitting with the discomfort
or rumination and wondering if they actually care about you,
or are they or are they going to abandon you?
In essence, all or nothing thinking gives you a momentary
(09:51):
edge and having the final say, or in being the
first one to abandon a relationship before risking being abandoned
A lot.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Yeah, in essence, I'm just gonna read it again because
that was a lot. In essence, all or nothing thinks,
she gives you a momentary edge and having the final say,
I think she should have perioded that. I don't think
you should have been comment that's a full stop. In essence,
all or nothing thinking gives you a momentary edge and
having the final say. That's taking control in a situation
(10:19):
where you feel helpless or have no control, or in
being the first one to abandon a relationship before risking
being abandoned.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
A lot.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Yeah, when dealing with conflict or fears of being seen
for who you are, it becomes easier to again flip
that switch and project your insecurities and self hatred back
on to the other person and to paint them all
bad in an attempt to save face. The irony is
that they may have been the same person you idolized
last week or for the last year, until your fears
(10:50):
and insecurities took center stage and triggered your survival instincts.
When dealing with conflict or fears of being seen for
who you are, it becomes easier to again flip that
switch and project your insecurities and self hatred back on
to the other person and to paint them as all
bad an attempt to save face. In past lives, I
don't allow these people in my life anymore. People who
(11:12):
I'm talking about know who they are, but also future people,
anybody who has characteristics of the people that I no
longer associate with, are not even going to have the
opportunity to be in my circle and some of the
things that I attribute when I read that. I think
about people who need to go and tell their narrative
first to get ahead of whatever happened. So say, you
(11:33):
guys had an argument on the phone, they hang up,
and now they're calling four other people. They even have
time to sit and process what just happened. They just know, Oh,
I said some shit and it may make me look
like a bad guy, so I need to make sure
everybody hears my version first, right.
Speaker 3 (11:48):
Well, they do that because they know that once that
first version is out there, whether it's lie or fact,
it is so much harder to come back right because
the first story is the one that matters anything Beyond that,
people don't care. It's the hot tea of the moment.
There was something that came across my Facebook feed yesterday
or the day before that said, why is it that
(12:08):
you're so quick to believe a lie the first time
you hear it, but need proof for the truth, Like
it's just wild to me, But yeah, you speaking on that,
protecting your circle and your piece and making sure that
you have Sorry about the weird cut. Guys, I had
a phone call. I thought it was our lawyer, protecting
your piece and your circle. I'm real big on that
shit right now. The last ceremony that we went through,
(12:29):
like I got to see how much we get to
choose our people. And that's why I made it TikTok
yesterday because I was talking to Jeff Grandma getting tattooed
about like the people that we choose to have in
our lives, and like I'm honored to call Jeff my friend.
Like he's a good fucking dude, yea. Like when I
look when I think of like a good man, Jeff
fits that mold. He's a hard worker, he's very, very
devoted to his wife, like we'll go to war and
(12:52):
burn the planet down for her. Is a father to
five children that are his and one that's not. That's
extremely autistic that he's just adopted as.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
His own son.
Speaker 3 (13:01):
Like he's doing everything that a good man is supposed
to do. And for me to be able to have
him my life, have him in my life, and to
be able to call him a friend, means a lot
to me. Like I told him, it's just a badge
of honor, because there's so many other people that we've
come across over the last ten years that are not that.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
Not even close to that.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Yeah, And like I've let a lot of those people
come sit at my table and I've been burned because
of it, so that protecting your space is fucking huge
for me right now.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Yeah, I sent out I don't know if I told
you this.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
I sent out a bunch of messages after ceremony, Like
I sent out because of all the forgiveness I had.
The only person I didn't message was my mom, my
biological but I messaged a whole lot of people and
was like, hey, I'm thinking about you right now. I
just want to let you know that I love you
and I hope that you're in great life and blah
blah blah, And like that ugliness in me is gone,
that animosity and the vindictive not vindictive because I'm not
(13:52):
a vindictive person, but that the need to spit when
their name comes up.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Well, now I'm curious who you message? You know, have
to tell me?
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Okay, yeah, because that's just more work for Carrie. We
can get into it.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
But all right, all or nothing thinking does not allow
room for nuances and perfections or ambiguity. You either need
to be the best or you're a failure. This mindset
shapes everything in your life, from how you look to
how you feel to how your relationships play out. This
mindset also becomes your invisible rule book that you carry
with you, silently influencing how you show up for friends,
(14:25):
for your partner, family, and your job.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
And how you show up for yourself. It really does
that all or nothing mindset and with the like the
way that you the way that you look, Like when
I was powerlifting and doing bodybuilding, like my dieting and
shit became an obsession, psychotic, Like there's no other way
to word that. I locked myself in a room on
Thanksgiving one year so that I wasn't attempted to eat
(14:49):
shitty food because it was shitty food in the kitchen
while I was dieting like it it became like a
full on psychosis and it wasn't all or nothing thing.
And the moment that I broke diet and like I
was done with that, like I got fat again, And
it happened within like three months.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
I went from two hundred pounds like two hundred and sixty. Again.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
It's not healthy to do that shit, but it does
create a whole lot of other issues in life. Yeah,
this article is a lot for me.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
I believe it.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
I will say that I said earlier that my all
or nothing is going away, and I know that it's
going away because of the how I look. I haven't
shaved my face, my head, I need a haircut. I
need a haircut. I didn't wear my hat today. I
(15:35):
don't care. I'm wearing the same pants for two weeks now.
I've taken them off to wash them and put on
other pants that are similar material because I love the
fabric wearing crocs like, I don't give a shit about
that anymore. Like my comfort matters more to me than
my outwardly appearance.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
That all or nothing mindset was a really big thing
for me as well, especially when I was in the
thick of my borderline, and that actually played out during
one of our first disruptions when I hit you with them,
why are you even with me? My mind really associated
(16:12):
hard conversations and arguments as the end of a relationship.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
Yeah, that's the abandonment thing for me. Yeah, I haven't
experienced that in a long time, but that was a
big thing for me too when I was younger. I
don't I don't like that, and we had a whole
thing over that. But there's like, that's one of those
things that had I not at that point, you had
not been diagnosed borderline, but had I not suspected that
(16:39):
you had borderline and you would have said that, I
would have taken it as a form of manipulation. But
I already thought, like at that point, I had already
I had my suspicions that you were just as fucked
up as I was. And you know, I put a
stop to it, and you've never done it to me again.
So and I don't think that people do it in
a means to manipulate. I think when they're doing it
(17:00):
it's genuine. But I also think that they've probably done
that in the past and it's worked out and their
behavi their benefit, because when you behave that way, if
you've got the desired outcome and in that situation of
fight stopping or to be fond over because you need
that repair, once your brain goes, hey, this worked, it
(17:21):
goes back to that. Yeah, it's no different than people
threatening to eliminate themselves. Once they know they can manipulate,
that's to go to and when that no longer works,
they have to find a different means, and if they
don't have the communication skills necessary to articulate their wants
and needs in a way that can smooth things out,
they'll always go to an extreme to get it to
(17:41):
stop quickly. That makes sense, it does.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
It is also this mindset that keeps you stuck where
it becomes impossible to believe that someone can love you
and still need time to themselves, that they may want
a relationship with you and still ask for space, or
that someone can say no and establish a boundary and
still care about you. That's such a that that boundary
setting one. People are so soft nowadays that anybody setting
(18:09):
a boundary feels like confrontation to them.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Right, or they're labeled controlling?
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Right.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
Yeah, people have gotten very used to the people in
their lives to be being pushovers.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Caving in them. Right, it's all the kids, all the time.
You are the center of your universe, but you're not
the only one.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Yeah, everyone has the universe within them. Right is my
thought process.
Speaker 3 (18:28):
On that everyone is the center of their own universe.
Anybody tells you otherwise is full of shit, Because your
self preservation means more than the preservation of the person
next to you. It's in our DNA. It's ingrained in
us to stay alive and to procreate.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
These types of nuances require discernment for developing shades of
gray where a person can hold more than one perception
at a time without losing their positive feeling about the
other person.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
That's a hard one.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
It's worth it, though, to be able to have conflict
and be like, look, I still love you, I just
don't like the situation. Hard was a hard one.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
For me, continuing, When you live with the mental equivalent
of an off switch, your self worth hangs dangerously in
the balance. You're a constantly feeling just one misstep away
from having your value pulled out from under you, where
someone's feedback or constructive criticism can shatter any confidence you
had for yourself. Relationships are experienced as walking on a
(19:21):
tight rope, where any comment from a friend, boss, family member,
or partner is not only analyzed, it is dissected and
played over and over in your mind, where you question
their intent and mentally start pushing them out a way
out of self preservation. This dynamic has negative implications on
your job. How are you supposed to learn, grow and
evolve if you're too scared to accept constructive feedback without
(19:45):
believing there must be something wrong with you. It also
affects your ability to be fully present in your personal relationships.
How can you show up for yourself and others without
the constant, nagging fear of having to be seen as
perfect or you must be garbage.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
That constructive feedback is rough for a lot of people,
even people without trauma. You look at people who are
trying to do something new. People will not do something
purely out of fear of failing at it. Because in
our head we want to be a good musician or
a poet or whatever it is that we admire in
(20:21):
other people, and we're like, we can do that. We
never actually try because when we try, and we know
that we can't, and we don't want to fail at it.
So it's better to have that belief that we can
do it than to attempt and prove that we're not
to that standard. The reality is, though, is you will
never get to that standard if you don't make a
whole lot of mistakes and suck at it for a
really long time before getting there. Even musical savants that
(20:43):
have a leg up at early childhood that can play music,
unless they're like you know, crazy savant. They're not going
to just start off good. And even then when you
look at what they can do as an adult versus
what they were able to do as a child, like,
it's still not the same thing. Those people who are
savants to look back at their child and go, man,
I really sucked compared to what I can do now,
(21:03):
because you've had a lifetime to practice at it and
do the thing. So for you guys who are having
a hard time with constructive criticism, criticism without love is cruelty.
So if somebody that cares about you is giving you criticism,
hey you should try this, or hate, Hey, maybe do that.
They're trying to make you better and it does come
from a place of love. They're not trying to break
you down. And when you understand that, you are able
(21:24):
to take the advice of other people and implement it
a little bit differently. But that's a big one. That's
a big one for a lot of people.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Yeah, all or nothing thinking often hides in the shadows
of the judgments you make about yourself or others. When
no one is looking. The hair trigger flip from all
to nothing seems natural, almost necessary. These patterns don't announce themselves. Instead,
they slip into your choices, your relationships, and your sense
of identity and ways that feel normal. The fear of
(21:52):
being invisible. One of the biggest reasons you may develop
all or nothing thinking is due to a history of
feeling irrelevant or invisible. Maybe you had to vie for
attention over your siblings and become the perfect student or
the funny guy as a way to stand out and
gain attention. If your environment was chaotic or unpredictable, or
if attention and validation were inconsistent, Feeling visible and wanted
(22:14):
can become an obsession. Is no longer about seeing if
others are paying attention to you, but a desperate attempt
and showing that your existence matters.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
This also speaks to the people who have who have
self sabotaged their own relationships. You know, you get people
who are unable to communicate and then blow their fucking
world up and then play the victim. Yeah, and that's
how I see that when you developed that all or nothing,
it's because you felt irrelevant or invisible where you had
to vie for attention.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
That's all of that would play into that. For me.
I'm just trying to add shit as I'm thinking about it,
while you're reading I.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Mean it works. There is this overarching need to feel certain,
certain that others are constantly showing up for you, certain
that you're safe, certain that the rug is not going
to be pulled out from under your feet if you
say something wrong, leaving you once again feeling insignificant or invisible,
or if someone does not show up for you exactly
as you expect, if they cancel plans, or show up late,
(23:09):
or are distracted when they are with you, the switch
gets flipped. Now everything is painted all bad, leaving you
feeling disappointed and abandoned. The reality is that anything you
interpret has less than perfect is seen as unacceptable or broken.
It's not about what actually happened. After all, you should
not expect everyone in your life to be flawless on
time every time, or to hand you their unadulterated attention.
(23:34):
It's more about how you interpreted their actions and impulsively
made a split second decision. It is these expectations that
everyone in your life will come through as perfect that
operate as self protective. By going into a situation with
the underlying belief that you are going to be disappointed
or let down. You are preparing yourself for the inevitable
let down when all or nothing thinking is in place.
(23:57):
The people in your life are held to unrealistic expectations,
include yourself, where you internalize their human imperfections as being
the rationale for splitting them as damaged are no longer wanted,
and thus protecting yourself from further pain.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
The people in your life are how do unrealistic ex expectations,
including yourself, where you internalize their human imperfections as being
a rationale for splitting them as damaged or no longer wanted,
thus protecting yourself from fur their pain. Then, including yourself
is a big one you. We've said this on another podcast.
There's absolutely nothing that anybody is going to ever say
about me that I haven't already said about myself. We,
(24:34):
for the most part, we are our hardest, are our
own worst critics. We are harder on us than anyone
else ever will be. The only difference is we become
so accustomed to talking shit to ourselves that it doesn't
hurt us the way that it does when it comes
from other people, especially if we care about them.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
But that.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
I also think that the more you look down on yourself.
The more you are giving permission for others to look
down on you as well.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
I agree with that they love me, they love me not.
When you live with all or nothing thinking, and it's
not something that can be easily turned off or changed,
it ends up controlling your life, your thoughts, and your beliefs.
At any given moment, you may feel deeply loved by
your family, friends, or your partner, and in the blink
of an eye you can feel the sting of rejection.
(25:19):
The fact is that they may not be doing anything
out of the ordinary. They may have sent a quick
text I'm busy, I'll call you later, but it triggers
all of your insecurities. Most people won't understand how something
as menial as a text message can send you into
a tail spin, or how a delayed response from someone
you love can hijack your nervous system. Instead of taking
(25:41):
the text at face value, you began ruminating on the
other times people may have sent you a similar text,
or you fixate on the last time someone took too
long to respond while making assumptions about their behavior. Suffice
to say, miscommunication assumptions are two of the biggest reasons
relationship issue surface, Yet the people in your life may
not be behaving any differently towards you. It boils down
(26:03):
to your interpretation and perception of their behavior that leads
to flipping that switch and painting them all bad.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
I also think that, in that same breath, the text
message aspect of it is part of the problem. Elaborate well,
if I if you're having a rough moment and I'm like, hey,
I'm busy right now, I'll call you back, or I'm busy,
give me fifteen minutes or whatever I say, and you're
already having a bad day and you need me, You're
going to take that cold text message as I'm not
there for you. But if you were to call and
(26:31):
you were like, hey, are you busy, and I'm like,
I'm with my boss right now, I'll call you back
to fifteen minutes or I you know, the worst case scenario,
I silence to call and then text you.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
I wouldn't do that.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
It wouldn't matter if I was sitting with my boss
or my pasture or Jesus, if the phone rings my
wife's calling me, You're gonna have to fucking wait a minute,
what's up, babe.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
I'm with somebody right now.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
I'll call you back right Like I'm answering the phone call,
because in the grand scheme of things, if you're in
an emergency, is there anything that I can do to
stop the emergency?
Speaker 1 (27:00):
There's not.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
In reality, if there was a really bad emergency, nine
to one one is who you should be calling. But
I should be the next phone call that's made so
that I can get to wherever you're being taken. Or
if there's you know, a fucking pipe burst at the house,
where's the off switch? Like if I don't answer that
phone and I call you back fifteen minutes later and
we've dumped two thousand gallons of water, like that's a
huge ass water bill. Like there's a whole lot of
(27:23):
this takes priority over this, this interview or this meeting,
or whatever the case may be. And I know that
you're all you may may be married, may not be married,
but my wife is important to me, So fucking wait
a minute. But that's the difference between the text message.
If you sent a text message and I hit you
with a cold reply while you were going through something
or you really fucking needed me, you're going to go
through that or your are gonna get message after message
after message after message, when a phone call would have
(27:45):
been the way to go because you would have heard tone.
I would have been able to hear your tone could
have been just real quick, where's the water off switch?
Call me back in fifteen minutes to turn the water off, right, Like,
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
I think that people.
Speaker 3 (28:02):
Who have all or nothing obviously they already deal with
their self worth issues according to this article, So in
a situation where they are with somebody that they view
as there, I don't want to stay superior, but I
guess that's the word because if they if you feel
inferior to them, whether they're your boss, somebody that you
admire or look up to, maybe you're meeting, you're a
(28:23):
musician of some sort or whatever. We have this expectation
of these people being bigger than us, So we want
to try to make the best fucking impression. But I'm
willing to bet that those people would take the phone
call from their person if it rang like there's a
time and place like there are a time when you
can't Like if you're a surgeon and you're in surgery
(28:44):
and phones' ring and it's not a locker, like there's
not a place for that courtroom.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
Same thing.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
But if you're just an average joe who's living your life,
your family should take a priority over your job. It
should take it over your fucking boss's opinion. You know,
I would. I would be impressed by that as a
business owner or somebody that is in the position that
we're in. If somebody was meeting us and their wife
called or their husband called, and they took the call
was a hang on a minute, and took their call,
(29:09):
I'd be like, good on you for that, Like we're
just people. Your wife will be here or your husband
will be here until the end of your days. Hopefully
prioritize that motherfucker like you know, I would respect that.
I would respect that a whole lot more than being like, oh,
it's just my wife and put it in your pocket. Right,
you better answer that phone, bro like rambling.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
I don't think you're rambling. I think you're making a point.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
Those who are not lived with all or nothing thinking
and the weight of carrying it won't understand the emotional
toll it can take on a person. They may call
you extra or dramatic without comprehending the back and forth
war that is going on inside of your head. It's
like having an emotional whiplash where you're constantly being pulled
from one extreme to the other. More than the overt
feelings and exhaustion that will go with all or nothing
(29:55):
thinking is how you constantly doubt yourself. You'll learn not
to trust things as they are, but to always look
for agendas and the other shoe to drop. You develop
an internal dialogue where you ruminate on what a person said,
what they did, or how they came across to you.
You shame yourself into wrongly believing you said the wrong thing,
did the wrong thing, or somehow upset the other person.
(30:17):
Then you convince yourself that they are going to leave
you or no longer want you in their life, so
you flip the script and paint them all.
Speaker 3 (30:22):
Bad that that first part of that paragraph. They may
call you extra dramatic without comprehending them back and forth
and the war that's going on in your head. This
comes down to knowing your person. Excuse me if you
have If you have enough conversations with your person, you
truly understand the way they think. You know if they're
(30:43):
being dramatic or if they're really struggling and if you
don't and you think that they're just being dramatic all
the time, and you are that disconnected with your partner,
you never really connected to them. Like it's not hard
to read a room, it's really not. And people I
know that people are like, well, they're like I said,
they're just being dramatic. If you really think that your
person is just just a dramatic person, do you really
(31:04):
know your person? Have you ever stopped to be like, hey,
why do you do that?
Speaker 1 (31:08):
What do you mean? Why do I do that? Well,
I've noticed that.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
You know, when we have these kinds of situations, your
go to response is this, why do you do that?
I'm sure they'll be like, what do you mean? Why
do I do that? And they might get defensive and
become dramatic all over again. But if you're like, look,
I love you, I'm not mad about it. I'm just
trying to understand why you do these things so that
I can understand you better, you'll get to the point
where you don't have to have conflict. You know, those
(31:31):
situations will come up in like apologies can happen before
there's even a conversation about it. I think that people
stop paying attention to their person and started paying too
much attention to their phone.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
I agree with that statement. I despise technology.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
I know you do.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
It sucks to be in a room with one person
or more people and everyone's just on their.
Speaker 3 (31:50):
Phone because they're looking for stimuli that they're not getting
from their friends or their social studies. Right, well, yeah,
it's stimuli they're looking for that that dopamine hit. If
you go to a party and everybody's having a great time,
nobody's on their phone. But the moment that the stimuli
of the party either becomes too much or is no
longer keeping them entertained, the phones come out, unless unless
(32:11):
they're trying to look something up. Like there's obviously caveats
to that, but you know you see people at restaurants
when we go out to eat.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
I don't scroll my phone.
Speaker 3 (32:18):
I pick my phone up when i'm when I like
have something I need to look up, or if I'm
trying to like, oh shit, I was supposed to message
this person about money or whatever. Like that'll take presence,
but for the most part, I'll fuck my phone we're
out eating or when we're out in general, unless it's
necessary workshit, Like I don't doom scroll. We're in public.
I don't doom scroll we're out on dates. I just
don't think that it's trying to live. I'm trying to
(32:40):
be very in the moment with things, and a lot
of the times, like I've gotten recently, I've gotten to
the point where I've been forgetting to do shit because
I'm like, I'll just do it later because i don't
want to lose the moment, right, And that came from ceremony.
But yeah, I didn't even take my phone with us
the last couple times for a walk. I've just left
at the house. I'm not gonna do much while walking
the dogs. But like, if I can't go fifteen minutes
and remember to post a TikTok or something, then I
(33:02):
have a bigger problem with my brain than I think,
you know what I mean. I've also noticed that I'm
not engaging with people as much because my phone's not
with me constantly or I'm not constantly on it. Like
I'm trying to still maintain relationships, but trying to do
it with a way that is not bullshit like videos
(33:22):
and memes and like, because it's not a real connection.
I agree, it's pebbling is what they call that, where
you're sending people things to just keep a connection going,
but it's it's superficial.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
It's not, Yeah, you sent me this really cool meme,
but you didn't tell me your grandmother died last weekend,
right right? I want I want beyond surface level communication.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
I want people to care about me the way that
I care about them.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
That's something I'm having a hard time with right now.
Is that because I opened up to somebody and they
left me on red.
Speaker 3 (33:49):
Yeah, I would have reached back out. I would have
because you have no idea what they were going through
at the moment, you know what I mean. Like I'm
somebody that opens messages a lot and don't get back
to them.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
I mean, you do it too.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
No, I don't open mysages unless I'm ready to respond to.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
Really, I open mind and I'll get back to it.
Like if it's something that I need to see or
I think I need to see it, I'll open it
right away. But there have been messages that have sat
that I don't reply to for a couple of days
because I'll forget. But you never know what somebody's going
through in their personal lives. If you really needed to
talk to somebody and they left you on red. I
would ask them, like, hey, was that intentional? Like I
really needed you, you kind of dropped the ball. I
(34:23):
would give them the opportunity to at least explain themselves.
They don't owe you an explanation, but I would like to.
I would like to know, like they would owe me
an explanation, but I would at least like to hear
where they have to say as to why they left
me on RED. I get it, though, I fucking get it,
because we're the type of people that when people need us,
we stop what we're doing. But I also understand that
(34:44):
that's not everybody. And there's also a hierarchy, you know
what I mean, Like if you and I are dealing
with something and somebody else that I cared about reached
out and needed me. If you and I are the
priority in the moment, they're not getting that from me
like I have. My priority is us first and then
everything else second. So it's a lot to think about.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
It is the worst part is you know what's happening,
but once the pattern is kicked in a gear, it's
difficult to stop. Instead, you may find yourself compulsively overapologizing
or shutting down and testing them to see if they
will ask you what's wrong. I'm not that person. I'm
going to ask you one time what's going on? I fit,
I'll ask you three times. That's not going to be
(35:24):
back to back, but I'll ask you three times, and
on that third time it's gonna be. Look, this is
gonna be the last time I ask you. Yeah, this
is your last opportunity to have this conversation or I'm
moving on. If you try to burch this conversation again,
it's not going to be with me.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
So what's the answer to that.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
If they're not ready to talk about it, just say
I'm processing a lot right now. When when I'm ready
to talk to it, I'll come find you.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
See, that's the difference between you having to prize something
out of somebody and somebody acknowledging that there's actually something
going on. And like, I've gotten a lot of hate
hate because I'm not doing that. If I've asked you
a couple of times what's going on and you try
to bring it up later, now, fuck that. We try
to talk about it and you shut that shit down.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
You lied to me.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
This is the way that I view that you are
going through something. I knew you were going through something.
I could see it. I can physically feel it because
the energy in the fucking room is off. And you
told me nothing, so you lied to me. But what
you just said is the right answer. I'm processing. I
am absolutely bothered by some things right now, and until
I can get to the root and have the honest
conversation of what's going on, I don't want to talk
(36:23):
about it. Okay, cool, are you leaving? No, you're not
leaving me? All right, dope, we'll talk about when we
can talk about it. Yeah, doing you know, like, let's
try to at least live a normal life while you're
processing your shit.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
And that's the other end of that.
Speaker 3 (36:37):
The people who will be like nothing, nothing, nothing will
change their behavior in the home or with their.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
Partners, slamming cabinets and puffing and puffing in one word responses.
Speaker 3 (36:46):
Because you should know better if you're processing. Guys, if
you're going to use that line, I'm processing, and I'll
get back to you. You need to quell all of the
angst inside of you and live a normal life while
you're processing, and then have a calm conversation afterwards, and
sometimes it's not going to be easy, but it's necessary.
Speaker 2 (37:03):
When I have to tell you that I'm processing right
now and I'll tell you when I'm ready. I'm not peppy,
I'm not dancing around the house and singing. But I'm
also not ignoring you. I'm not giving you the cold shoulder.
I am not taking what I'm going through out on you.
I'm still asking you if there's anything you need, giving
(37:23):
you four head kisses, try my best to flirt with
you when I'm going through it.
Speaker 3 (37:28):
Yeah, there's a difference between, like you said, being peppy
and being miserable. You can be going through something and
not portray miserability, like because you're making the environment that
you live in uncomfortable for fucking everyone. At that point.
You can be going through something and try to be
as civil as possible until you can figure out what's
going on and then come to resolution. There's going to
be times, though, for those of you who use that line,
(37:49):
there's gonna be times where it's going to be uncomfortable
and there's nothing you can do about it, especially if
you know it was something you did. Yeah, and most
of the time if it was something you did. You
have an idea of what it was like, you kind
of already know, and you're just waiting for their side
of the story. When you can be like, hey, was
it this, Yeah, you feel like you'd know what you did,
especially if you know your person.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
You know.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
While it sounds manipulative, it's not. It's a cry for
help and a cry for peace. It's a desperation to
be truly seen and truly loved without judgment and without
having to explain how you are hardwired or why. Healing
from a history of all or nothing thinking is not
just a simple mindset hack or a quick fix. One
of the hardest parts about your growth will probably be
(38:31):
learning how to fight the urge to turn your progress
into being about all or nothing. It's not about either
being perfect at growth or failing. It's about understanding and
respecting the journey and taking notes as you go. If
you have learned to look at the world and the
people in your life and absolutes, it will take time
to unwrap how this started, when it started, and why.
(38:54):
You will need to learn self compassion and to find
healthier and more realistic shades of gray. When it comes
to navigating how you see yourself and others. Not about
suddenly allowing yourself to be imperfect, but it's continuing to
show up for yourself even if you're scared and imperfect.
It's not about walking away from someone to prevent them
from possibly hurting you, but choosing to stay with them,
(39:14):
knowing that no one is perfect and even healthy partners
may inadvertently hurt each other. About practicing to sit with
your fears, even if your first instinct is to run
and try and prevent the fears that scare you the most.
Speaker 3 (39:26):
That line, no one is perfect and even healthy partners
may inadvertently hurt each other. That happens, It happens with us.
I am not as articulate as I like to believe
I am, and sometimes in my quick like flying off
to handle thinking, I cuss a lot, or I'll say
some shit that made total sense to me but made
(39:46):
no sense to you, and it offended you right, like
this shit's going to happen. I'm like, that's not what
I meant, Like, this's just the way that I talk sometimes,
and that's you know, that's something that I know that
I need to work on. I called, I said something
about something being stupid. And you were like, what the fuck?
And I'm like, oh man, here we go. Like I
know that that was a really bad term, and it's
not like the way that it was worded was not
(40:08):
the way that I meant it, But it made sense
to me in the moment, which is why I said
it the way that I had said it. Then we
had an old as conversation about it. But once that's
out and it makes you feel a certain way, or
you say something that makes me feel a certain way,
once that feeling is there, that feeling is there, and
even if it's a even if it is a total misunderstanding,
once feelings are hurt, feelings are hurt, it takes time
(40:28):
for that that damn that's stung to go away, right
Like pain never just stops instantly, And I think it's
the same thing with emotional pain. And I think having
a little bit of grace with a person who is
a long way, especially in those situations. You know, if
your person is a malicious individual and that's the way
that they always are, that's a very different conversation than
the people who were inadvertently hurting each other. I agree,
(40:49):
And that's where grace comes in because I can have
grace in forgiveness with people who do things boneheadedly right,
like you're not all there in the moment thinking you're
you know, you maybe even be your sentence together in
a way that works, or you know, you went to
the store and forgot to grab me a Snickers bar
or whatever the case may be. Like sometimes life is
just busy. But if you're like, hey, I'm gonna go
(41:10):
to the store and you're like, can you get me
a drink, I'm like no, And I go to the
store and I get my drink and come home and
like with fuck, you know what I mean, Like that's
intentionally being an asshole type shit, and it's very different.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
I agree.
Speaker 3 (41:20):
I think the all or nothing thing can I think
all or nothing thing can actually become a superpower as well.
You look at every business that I've ever done, anything
that I've ever set my mind to doing, it's been
I'm gonna fucking do this or die trying and that
and maybe even that aspect comes from a trauma response
because I wasn't always that way. When I was younger,
I didn't give a shit about anything. I was fucking lazy.
(41:42):
I had no ambition or goals like I was just
a piece of shit young man. Yeah, but knowing that
no one's going to do anything for me, and that
if I want the life that I want to live,
that I have to go out and do the things
that's going to get me there and change that thought
process for me. And I've already had nothing. I know
what that's like. If I went back to doing that,
though it would suck. I've survived that before, but I
(42:04):
don't know what it looks like to be a multi
multi millionaire. I want to do that now.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
Hey, guys, a little quick interruption. If you're enjoying the content,
please leave alike, and also don't forget to comment. We
enjoy interacting with you guys and hearing your opinions and
it helps the algorithm.
Speaker 3 (42:18):
It's also free to do, and if you really want
to help make sure the show continues to do, hit
the subscribe button and share the content across your social
media is. It costs you nothing and it greatly helps
the show.
Speaker 1 (42:27):
So in that.
Speaker 3 (42:28):
Aspect, like it comes down to how bad do you
want something? How much are you willing to put yourself
in uncomfortable situations to get there? And that all or
nothing shit could be I mean, I think all I think,
even ADHD. I think that people who have borderline and
have that like obsessive shit, even obsessive compulsive disorder to
a degree, can be used as a superpower if you
find a way to channel it in a way that
makes you success, successful and whatever success looks like to you.
Speaker 1 (42:53):
But yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
I mean, I agree, that does make sense.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
So I've pulled some notes.
Speaker 3 (43:00):
I make notes for you guys who don't are not
familiar with the podcast. I make notes for everything because
I'm very scatter brained. One minute, I've got a great idea.
In the next minute, I'm thinking about Freedo's with chili cheese,
sauce inside of the bag and a spork.
Speaker 1 (43:16):
It happens.
Speaker 3 (43:18):
And I wrote down one of my notes says, you
need to feel what you're going through, especially if it's
an extreme emotion anger, hate, love, compassion. This is where
greatness and creativity is stemmed from. This is where people
really focus. I've said on the podcast in the past
that if you want to see somebody do some really
great shit break their heart, you look at all the
greatest comeback stories ever.
Speaker 1 (43:37):
It's all got heartbreaking. It's where it starts.
Speaker 3 (43:39):
You lose a loved one, you lose a family member,
you lost the job that you use, your dream job,
and now you're coming back harder to fucking open your
own business or whatever the case. Maybe all the great
acts of poetry, music all stems from heartbreak, paintings, all
of it. So if you're somebody that has the all
or nothing mindset and something makes you angry or it
(43:59):
hurts your feelings to that degree, you need to really
process that, figure out why it is that it's hurting
you the way that it is, because that is where
greatness comes from, and that greatness and that aspect could
be this all or nothing comes from the fact that
I didn't get attention as a kid, and I it
just never ends in making this up. But like, it
could be that for you, it could be that your
parents would lock you in a room so they could
(44:21):
have people over and you weren't bothered to their boyfriend
or girlfriend. It could be a whole lot of things
that made you realize that you came last in somebody
else's life, especially when you were younger, and if you had,
like she said, this lady writes a lot about narcissistic caregivers.
If your parent's a narcissist, you are fucking last because
everything in the world revolves around them, and that's just
the way that it's got to be. And you're gonna
(44:42):
have a whole lot of hardships growing up and a
whole lot of things that you got to work through.
And if you are able to process your emotions inward
and like follow that string all the way back to
where that emotion stems from and why you're triggered and
why you feel the way that you do, there's your greatness.
That's your superpower. Now I know that this feeling stems
from this instant in my life, and then you can
start going okay, well, where in other instances in my
(45:03):
life as that happened, because at some point along the lines,
you've protected yourself enough for.
Speaker 1 (45:07):
That shit to stop.
Speaker 3 (45:09):
Now you need to implement new things in your life
because you know what to look out for to make
sure that that doesn't happen again. And then you can
start building better relationships with people. Your social circle change.
You know, you could you could raise a different job,
Like the whole lot of things about your life that
would be elevated because you're aware that's the greatness in.
Speaker 2 (45:26):
That, like having a roadmap with all the hazards on it.
Speaker 3 (45:30):
Right fucking right. You remember where you're driving through Punta
Gorda the other day and we saw those railroad crossing
things and the whole GPS screen looked like an a
hazard X on everything, Like, what the hell is that?
And we got close we realized it was with railroad
tracks as we zuomed way out. But that having that
roadmap goes a long way.
Speaker 1 (45:51):
You know, it's it's a cheat sheet, it is. With
that being said, guys, we hope that you enjoyed the podcast.
We made it for you and remember you were the
author of your own life. To grab a pen and
we will see you on the next one, hye, guys,
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