June 27, 2025 • 39 mins
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Look out. We've come all the things with beauty on
the bottom, all our wold it is you. You're my
favorite views. But that's not and we are back.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Welcome back, you beautiful creatures.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
We're gonna be doing some Friday content for you guys.
This is going to be an article that we pulled
off of medium dot com. The the train wrecks of
articles on this website sometimes tend to like or can
be gold mines of information and create great discussions. And
we found one on here that is a member only
story and it is written by somebody who has a PhD.
(00:46):
It's called the Impact of author author.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Blah blah blah Authoritarian.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
You want to read that.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
The impact of authoritarian parenting on trauma responding. How rigid rules,
excessive demands, and an inability to be ourselves influence three
types of responding. Trigger warning. The following content includes personal
experiences and discussions around difficult topics such as trauma, emotional challenges, childhood, maltreatment,
or abusive relationships. While my intent is to educate and
(01:15):
share personal insights, some readers may find certain content emotionally distressing.
This article is for informational purposes only.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
And our response to said article is for entertainment purposes only.
We are not professionals this chick is though.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Yes, as kids, we probably weren't focusing too much of
our attention on how we were being raised or on
the adults in our lives who had power and control
over us. Granted, most probably grew up in an environment
where punishment was doled out only when necessary, and where
memories of being loved, encouraged, guided, and wanted outweighed any
ruppermands received. For the rest of us, our experiences were different.
(01:53):
Harsher Words like authoritarian may not have rolled off our
tongues as kids, but as adults we can now not
long in recognizing this type of parenting and its effect
on our lives. The reality is that the word authoritarian
is not always taught in school. Kids aren't learning how
to differentiate between authoritative, warm, sensitive and structured parenting laissez fair,
(02:15):
negligent permissive parenting, an authoritarian, abusive, narcissistic parenting. For most
of us, we can only look back in hindsight and
unpack the parenting we experience in our childhood and attach
the appropriate label to it. Because we likely didn't recognize
as kids that authoritarian parenting is akin to an abusive, violent, controlling,
(02:37):
and restrictive environment. We also weren't pairing words like fear
and discipline into the equation, and because we weren't thinking
of the long term effects of this kind of parenting
on our sense of identity, autonomy, and self love, we
also weren't focusing on other names that fall under the
umbrella of authoritarian parenting, such as helicopter parent or militaristic.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Those phrases. I didn't know what any of that shit
was until we started the podcast. Really, I had never
heard the term helicopter parenting, militaristic like a militant household.
I knew that one obviously. You know, there's a lot
of military men in my family, a lot of military
in my family period, but I would have never like
this podcast has done a lot for my understanding of things.
(03:21):
The problem is is a lot of the podcast and
my understanding of things, I realize how wrong people are
when they use those terms because they hear it used
and they think they understand the meaning behind it, but
until they go home and actually dig into what it is,
they don't fucking know.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
We just knew we had to conform at all costs,
and that interruptiveness and a lack of personal space where
the norm. How we were raised and our formative years
set the stage for how we interact with the world
around us and how we feel about ourselves, including concepts
like self respect, self love, and self identity. For many
who grew up in authoritarian environments where rigid rules and
(03:58):
excessive expectations were the norm, we often develop one of
three specific types of trauma responding rebellion, submissiveness, or avoidance.
Each of these responses can become a reflection of how
authoritative parenting shaped us. On the far end of the spectrum,
we may even vacillate.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Dicillate probably just means that you switch between all three,
but I need to know viscillate, alternate, or weave between
different opinions or actions.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Be indecisive, okay, a good word between all three of
these trauma responses and a self destructive dance.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
I want to I want to pause on this for
a minute. I know we've talked because we've read a
lot of books about what it is to go through
things as a child and how the first sixteen months
of your life can actually create mental disorders and a child,
but things like the always screaming parent or the ones
who if you don't get it right the first time,
is in your face, screaming and yell and call your
(04:55):
names and degrading you. There are so many things that
can create problems with your t child that could be
learning disabilities. It could create an anxiousness in them that
makes them not learn. It could create a shaky hand
or like a twitch, a flinch even without being hit,
because of the aggression being so physically impactful from the
(05:16):
words and the aura of a person. I was watching
something last night. This is why all this even came up.
I was watching something last night that was talking about
the invisible electromagnetic fields that everyone puts off. The premise
of the show was about how the brain and the
heart have its own pulse, and the brain, the brain
electromatic electromagnetic field can only be measured a little bit
(05:38):
past the head, but the heart goes out way far
and the earth has the same thing. The core goes
out way further than like the surface level in terms
of energy. When you have somebody that has an ugliness
in them, and that hate is not an up here thing,
it's just in their core and they are just nasty people.
That shit can be felt in a moment when you
(05:58):
walk into a room and somebody off and you know
that they're off, You can feel that that is that
electromagnetic field that they are putting off that lets you
know something's not right. When everything is good with people,
people's heart rates actually sink. And this has actually been
proven across the world, like for people who are interacting
like over social media and shit. They've done tests that
(06:19):
when things are good, people sync up on an electromagnetic base,
the energy levels do. So. To have a child in
a situation where the parents are being ugly, screaming, yelling, militant,
narcissistic abuse of making people throw their clothes out in
the laundry, their laundry out on the lawn, all of
that kind of shit that is affecting them on a
molecular level, that is going to do a lot more
(06:42):
than just the subconscious abuse aspect. Like I said earlier,
the shaky hands, the feeling nervous of going into public,
all of that shit can come down to feeling that
from a parent who starts doing this shit at an
early age.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Continuing yep, the rebel For many who grew up with
authoritarian caregivers, the one thing we share is that it
wasn't just about following rules, It was about being controlled.
There was always the overarching, often unspoken thread of consequences
for not towing the line or blindly conforming to what
our caregivers expected or demanded. Growing up, there was no
(07:17):
such thing as at personal space. What was mine was theirs.
My belongings would be dumped out of my drawers at
a moment's notice as one of their ways of controlling
me and to see what I was up to. I
quickly learned to keep anything of privacy. At school, it
felt like I was constantly under a microscope, constantly watched
and constantly judged. I was told how to dress, shamed
(07:40):
for wearing something that was not approved, and constantly reminded
that I was not thin enough, not attractive enough, not
trying hard enough. At school, one of my caregivers was
obsessed with image and perfection, where I was under their
constant surveillance. I didn't remember my pleases and thank yous,
there were harsh consequences because any failure on my part
was a reflection on their perfect caregiving. I was constantly
(08:04):
compared to my peers and held to unrealistic standards and expectations.
I made a mistake. I was not taught or shown
how to do it right, but reminded of my error.
This took a toll on me where I developed severe
anxiety and depression, the classic withdrawn child.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
And there you go. I wanted to touch on something,
the unspoken rual thing and living in that fear of
fucking up is a lot and that that's the anxiety
aspect of that. When you when you have that with
your child and they know that nothing's there and there's
nothing sacred in the home, it's when they have to
start hiding shit from you. You now have a child
that will never come clean with anything. Oh yeah, because
(08:39):
of the fear of the parent, right, And like that
removes every opportunity for them to learn from their shortcomings.
Situations where say they get into a fight at school
and the conversation is well did you win? No, and
like either there's berating or they just stop the conversation.
There's no consoling. Well, I'm sorry that you were physically assaulted.
(09:01):
I'm sorry that you are in a situation where you
didn't feel safe or that you had to defend yourself.
You know, why did that happen? There's no conversations right
like that, And that comes from the same thing. If
you if your child does not feel safe enough to
have a conversation and you are not able to emotionally
connect to them and what they're going through, they're not
going to be able to work through things. I just
(09:23):
had this conversation earlier with somebody about a five year
old and what it is to have to explain to
them what's going on in your life. Your five year
old child doesn't understand the words that you use. They
understand bits and pieces of a sentence, and their little
tiny brain puts it together the best way that they can.
Or they just say yeah, okay, yeah, okay, okay, I
(09:44):
got it, okay, and then you go what did I say?
And they go, I don't know. Yeah, his kids do
that right.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Continuing growing up with rigid and unrealistic demands placed on
a child leaves an edible and edible, indelible, indelible, an
indelible mark. Because it is impossible to live up to
expectations of perfection. Many who experienced authoritarian parenting develop deep
resentment towards their caregivers and sadly towards themselves. This self
(10:12):
hatred that is conditioned from years of abuse and having
been controlled, often comes out in horrible choices and friends
who use and abuse them, equally bad choices and a
partner promiscuity, substance abuse, or even self harm, all of
which are forms of rebellion and a middle middle finger
to any type of authority. Rebellious behavior walks hand in
(10:33):
hand with truancy from school, lashing out or shutting down, emotionally,
breaking curfew, and running with the wrong crowd. A controlled
and harshly disciplined, disciplined child can become a rebellious kid
who eventually pushes the envelope in daring their parents, their teachers,
and even their friends to try and control them. Underneath
this rebellious behavior is a scared kid who just wants
(10:54):
to be respected, given a fair chance to learn things
without punishment, and who wants to be able to live
their life on their own terms without feeling confined and controlled.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
You know this, A lot of this is my childhood.
You get to a point as a child where you
realize that nothing you do is going to be seen
as right and that you're always going to be wrong
no matter what, and you stop caring, you stop listening,
you start doing whatever the fuck you want to do
because you realize that there's only so much somebody can
do to your right and at some point in your teenageers,
(11:26):
the worst that can happen is you're gonna get kicked out. Well,
if you're fucking miserable being there, so what you know,
you may have a friend whose parents don't treat them
that way that may let you stay there for a
little while. Right like, you start looking at all the
what if options. I had a really hard time with authority. Yeah,
and a lot of it is for all of this,
the reasons in this. But my thing was I will
(11:48):
do just about anything if it's from a place of love.
But when you start making demands and trying to tell
me how to live my life, I'm not doing that
because I know better. Right, I'm a fucking kid, I'm
a man now, thirteen fourteen years old. I know you
have no fucking idea, but you think you do. You
know what I mean? What was it they used to
say on the drug showing on MTV, This is the
(12:09):
real life of a drug addict. You think you know,
but you have no idea.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
No, I don't remember that.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
I'm old. I play you know, MTV still played music.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Yeah, well I remember that time older than Google me too,
Funnily enough, continuing, Yeah, the scars of having been emotionally
controlled Blah caught that the scars of having been extremely
controlled in childhood are often most noticeable in deficits and
self agency and adulthood. Kids who are controlled to the
(12:42):
nth degree often become adults who are deficient and adulting.
They may not know how to care for themselves because
they were never given the chance to learn how to
care for themselves. When everything is controlled for you as
a child, it limits your ability to be autonomous in
your adult life. Authoritarian caregivers often look at their ability
to control their kid as a nod of approval to
(13:02):
their parenting. It's not. It's abuse. Authoritarian parenting strips away
all self debt determination. Authoritarian parenting strips away all self
determination and a person's ability to make healthy and inform
choices for themselves and their lives. It is destructive to
building independence. It breeds complete dependency because of having been
(13:26):
taught compliance as normal.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
I would before. Obviously this is still on rebellion, but
I want to touch on one more thing too. It's
not just the parents who over control, it's also the
ones who do everything for their children that end up
raising adult children. There are people that we know in
real life who are almost thirty or in their thirties
that cannot function without mom and dad right And though
(13:48):
they're living on their own, mom and dad still handles
every facet of their fucking existence because without them they
would not be able to function. And that comes from
the helicopter parenting aspects of things. Little man got a mohawk, yeah,
over the weekend, and I got palm made because he
has somewhat wavy hair, and I wanted to show him
how to put his hair up because gel is not enough.
(14:11):
And I could have lathered my hands up and done
the mohawk and blow dried and showed him how to
do all of that, or I can go, okay, take
your finger, stick it in there, get it on your palm,
and then make it so that it's on your hands.
And he did his own mohawk yesterday, and this morning
he went a step further and did it. And then
you finished with the blow dryer and helped and hairspray.
He's seven. Yeah, it's his hair. If he wants a mohawk,
(14:32):
he can have a fucking mohawk, But he has to
learn how to maintain said hair. He's gonna have to
deal with the fact that if the palm maide starts
to run and get sticky at school, he's gonna have a
sticky forehead. This is life shit. But he now knows
how to groom himself, you know what I mean. Like,
that's the I can do it for you where I
can teach you and you can do it yourself, and
if you don't like it, you don't have to do
that versus you know what I mean. So, yeah, I
(14:54):
think that's important to recognize that you can make the
same outcome from from both extremes of that. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Continuing and the romantic relationships, many find themselves paired up
with abusive partners who are demanding, passive, aggressive, and highly
critical and devaluing of them. They often gravitate to relationships
in one of two ways. A by choosing partners who
are cookie cutter cutouts of their controlling and domineering parents,
or b by gravitating to unhinged partners who are now
(15:25):
equally rebellious. Where both parents push each other over the
edge out of a fear of being controlled, where both partners,
Where both partners push each other over the edge out
of fear of being controlled. The submissive authoritarian caregiving also
commonly breeds submissiveness and people pleasing as normal. When caregivers
(15:46):
set in passable standards and expectations, a child learns to
jump through hoops that are forever moving. The rules of
engagement change at a drop of a hat and based
on the caregiver's whims. Growing up with unrelenting rules, we
learn that disappointing our caregiver is not an option. We
also learned that the only way to avoid conflict or
worse was to fully comply without batting an eye. Survival
(16:09):
is achieved by learning how to read our caregiver's body language,
tone of voice, and to pair their words with their
actions on what they expected and demanded of us. And
in order to minimize the carnage, we quickly learned to
become perfect and to please and appease their every demand.
This was my childhood.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Yeah I will so you know how earlier she said
that there are people that had to switch between all three.
This was also a part of my childhood. I never
knew what I was walking into because I didn't know
who was going to be in the house when I
got home. Yeah, you know, there was, But that's also
the discussion of an addict. When you live with an adict,
you don't know what version of your parent you're walking
in on.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Sadly, when we are conditioned to become a people pleaser,
it's never at our own volition. People pleasing is not
altruistic or done because we want to. It's done out
of necessity to survive. We learned that to minimize any
negative repercussions, we tossed out our needs, feelings, or thoughts
as insignificant in exchange for making our caregivers happy. Over time,
(17:09):
we became scared of displeasing our parents because we've been
on the other side of their rage, anger, and shame.
We've experienced their violent outbursts, and we have learned by
proxy that the only way we can try to reduce
this is by reducing and shrinking ourselves down. When we
grow up learning to please others, it is always at
the expense of loving ourselves. Each time we say yes
(17:30):
to someone else, you're saying no to ourselves, and self
betrayal is what is being learned. Each time we get
a nod of approval or a glimpse of external validation.
It keeps us jumping through their hoops and hopes of
receiving more. The idea of disappointing our caregivers hits us
right in our value and worth, and because authoritarian caregivers
(17:51):
know all too well how to play a game to
their benefit, if we do inadvertently disappoint them, the outcome
is being shamed and feeling like a pleete failure. Authoritarian
parenting teaches submissive submissiveness as survival. We learn that we
are not valued for who we are, but instead based
on what we do, performing, achieving, and accomplishing. Accomplishing becomes
(18:15):
a means to an end and receiving conditional approval. Over time,
we learn to ignore our own desires, our own voice,
and our own needs just to keep the peace people.
Pleasing does not always end when we move away from
our authoritarian parents and romantic relationships. This need to please
often attracts partners who are demanding, passive, aggressive, and narcissistic.
(18:37):
Where we are constantly bending over backwards to please the unpleasable.
We end up foolishly believing that we aren't trying hard
enough to make them happy instead of accepting the reality
that we are with a person who is incapable of
being happy. The harder we try to prove we are
worthy of love, the more obstinate, obstinate, obstinate, the more
(18:57):
obstinate and cruel they become as a reminder that they
cannot love us or.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Themselves A lot, a lot so the people pleaser. I've
always stated that that comes down to not being able
to set boundaries, and that comes from not having self worth. Yeah,
and that makes sense after reading all of this, that
just you know, validates my thought on all of that.
When you have a people pleasing child and that's how
they live their life, they will live their entire existence
not setting boundaries and never truly get to enjoy their
(19:24):
life because they're too busy worrying about other people. Yeah,
it's wild.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
Hey, guys, a little quick interruption. If you're enjoying the content,
please leave alike, and also don't forget to comment. We
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it helps the algorithm.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
It's also free to do, and if you really want
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It costs you nothing and it greatly helps the show.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
The avoidant. When growing up under the constant weight of
authoritarian parenting, many of us learn that emotions don't matter
or are even dangerous. Expressing any vulnerable emotions can quickly
be met with shame, to cuel, or harsh punishment, so
we learn to suck it up and to avoid emotion
at all costs. One of the hardest parts about growing
(20:07):
up with emotionally immature parents, where their needs and whims
are center stage, it is that any attempt at seeking comfort, love,
or validation where I met with rage, insults, or silence.
That was a big one for me too. I wasn't
a rebel. I was too scared of the repercussions.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
That was my later years. Yeah, the need to I
was almost a people pleaser. But the second part of this,
the avoidant aspect of it, in the way that I
was treated to make me avoidant, push me to be
in the rebel. I remember specifically there being a handful
of times where I did something wrong and was trying
to correct self soothe, make amends. However you want to
(20:47):
word that with my mom, where she would flatly, flatly
say I'm not going to speak to you, and they
would fucking ignore me until either my stepdad got home
or until I had to leave were until I gave
up on trying, and like that silent treatment. Shit. Knowing
that you are intentionally being ignored as if you don't
exist is a fucking lot for a child. Yes it is.
(21:10):
It tells you very quickly where you stand. I was.
I was a plaything. I was that thing to show off,
to do the thing. Look what my son can do.
Look at my son when.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
It look at my great parenting.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
When it benefited them, or when they needed like an
extra card player, or if they needed somebody to drive
them somewhere because they had been drinking, or or whatever.
You know what I mean. But like, for the most part,
I was an inconvenience to my parents. I honestly have
I do that that would have been a lie. But
I guess looking back on it, I understand now why
things played out the way that they did. But then
(21:42):
all I thought was like it's irrelevant anyways. I hate
that I can't just have the conversations I want to
have because it's still personal.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Yeah. Continuing, children who grow up in these conditions are
often grossly emotionally neglected and wrongly learn that emotions are
wrong and that we are wrong for displaying them.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Crazy learning.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Avoidance of the trauma response may get us through tough
times in our childhood, but it's only a band aid. Ultimately,
we become out of touch with what we are feeling,
as well as the feelings and needs of others. In essence,
we are developmentally delayed, where we do not understand how
to relate to others displaying a need for affection or compassion,
and so we do not know how to provide it.
(22:24):
In a similar vein, because we are conditioned to become
so out of sync with our own emotions, any emotion
we feel is experienced as unsettling, even dangerous, so we
learn to keep shutting down out of self preservation.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
The amount of problems that that will cause somebody in
their future because you're not able to read the room
because everything feels like an attack is like a huge
detriment to people.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
Yeah, the longer we hold onto this trauma response, the
more damage it can do to our well being, and
an effort to avoid conflict, we may push others away
before they have a chance to hurt us. Many times
we can look at the act of being alone as
safer than letting someone in and risk being shamed or
ridiculed for showing any vulnerability. We build wall so high
(23:08):
and so reinforced that no one can ever get inside.
We end up isolating out of a need to feel
nothing instead of feeling, instead of fearing feeling anything. Avoidance
is carried into our romantic relationships, where we continue distancing
and pushing away emotional closeness and intimacy. What we desperately
need in our childhood to feel wanted, loved, and cared
(23:29):
for become overwhelming and fear inducing. We avoid intimate conversation,
getting too close to someone and allowing them to get
too close to us. The fear of being controlled, shamed,
or harshly treated is what is keep is what has
us keeping everyone at arms distance. Once bitten twice shy.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Yeah, So that that last little bit when you think
about the courting phase, we can close this now because
that was the end of the article. When you think
of the courting phase and that new lustful feeling and
everything is good and it's not super serious shit, and
there could potentially be feelings involved, but like it's just
new fun, there's no risk there. You find people that
(24:12):
have that last avoidant situation where they're living their life
like that, and the moment things get serious, things start
to fall apart because they can't commit. They're afraid to
let their emotions out, they're afraid to have the hard conversations,
or they do commit because things have been so good
that when conflict happens, they don't know how to resolve
the conflict. They either go to people pleasing they completely detach. Well,
(24:35):
you're just crazy. They could become narcissistic. There's a whole
lot of fuck that comes into that. From all of that,
it's important to let your kids be kids. Yeah, you
still have to monitor their behavior. You have to monitor
their actions because kids are gonna do really dumb things
and they're gonna get hurt. You gotta let them get
hurt too, without fucking dying. Right, Like we want injury,
(24:57):
but not crazy injury.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Let them do stupid things, safe environment so they can
learn their lessons. But you need to be able to
allow them to have their feelings. This is something that
we're going through with little Man right now because he's
I believe he's mimicking behavior that he's seen and that's
why the things that he's currently doing is happening. But
when we ask him, why are you doing that, he's like,
I don't know, I don't know, and that I don't
(25:20):
know answer means that you're doing it on autopilot, because
this is what you expect behavior to be like.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
He was also pretty well able to articulate himself yesterday
because we asked him, why do you do then he said,
because I get angry right and I don't know what
to do with myself because I'm not getting what I want.
He was like, I forget the things you tell me
sometimes when I get angry because I'm just so angry.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
I don't believe that that's the case though. Yeah. So
I know that your kids will not do what you
tell them to do, but they will follow in your footsteps.
So if you have a situation where you have a
child that's living in one parent's house, that child will
take on the behavioral traits of the parents as they
grow up subconsciously, you just mimic that behavior that's your environment.
(26:05):
When you have kids that have multiple households, that character
that is being developed is a split between the both.
So they might know better, but they're not going to
do the better. I do think that there are a
lot of things that's happening in him that he just
does on autopilot because he believes that it's normal behavior.
And I have to be careful with the things that
are said in all of this, But I think that
(26:27):
more specifically, as Vegas is going to sound, I think
that that specific situation that we were just talking about
happened because he's mimicking behavior. But I think that that
stems from a lack of respect that also plays into
the issues that we just read about, from being generational
shit handed down. Yeah, I don't know. I don't it.
(26:47):
Shit's a mess. When you think of healing generational trauma,
you're not healing. You You were stopping the things that
have been passed down over and over and over again
and instilling new shit that's going to be passed down
in the future. And that's what the generational shift is. Otherwise,
you're just healing your trauma. Healing generational trauma is stopping
all of that. There goes carry running through like a
(27:08):
Sventura with the dog, and I think it's important to
recognize that as what I was getting at. We're only
thirty seven minutes and you want to interact with the
chat for a few minutes and then wrap up. Yeah, okay,
you guys have anything you want to bullshit about for
a little bit before we wrap up, Abby said, Man,
all of that out of a seven year old, that's incredible.
He's definitely learning to articulate himself. There's also conversations that
(27:31):
we have with him where he's not able to understand
the full grasp of the conversations. Our kids are getting
really good about going what does that word mean? There's
times that I'm like, I don't know how to explain
that to you, and I have to google it, and
then I have to find words and the definition that
are easier for me to dummy down so that I
can give a like example, we had a moment last
night where we had to explain the difference between a
(27:52):
response and reaction, and the only thing I could think
to do is hit his potelton and in his need
to make his knee flick. Yeah, and you're like, that
was genius. How did you think of that? I don't know.
It's a reaction like if somebody walks up to you
whispers in your ear and you do that shit because
you know they're there. That's a reaction that's visceral, like
that's that is a reaction that's very different than going,
wait a minute, there's somebody next to me, I should
turn around right like. And I was able to explain
(28:14):
that to a seven year old and it was a
really cool little experience. But Kennedy said, she loves your shirt.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
Oh thank you.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
The dress the top. Bethany said the same thing.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
The dress. It has sons all over.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Everybody has started referring to a little man as the Pirate. Yeah,
and for those of you who don't know, that's because
of Zach.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
It is yesterday when he went outside, he came to
me and he is like, Mommy, I'm gonna go get
dressed in armor. I was like, okay, word like, you're
gonna go out there and the protect us. And he
disappears into his bedroom and he comes back out like
five minutes later, and he is not dressed in armor.
He has the pirate hat on, he has his iPad,
(28:54):
his eyepatch on, he put on his he has a
lizard button up shirt that he's now wearing as his
pirate shirt. And he had the parrot attached to his fingers.
He had a sword tucked into his pants.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
That's funny. You know what they did last night? They
found an egg on the property that looked to be
like a small bird egg. It was tiny, and it
had been split in half, and they're like, what happened.
I was like, I don't know, guys, you're outside. You
have to figure it out. And they went on in
a whole adventure trying to figure out what killed the
bird with the bird egg, and that wasted like three
and a half hours of the day. I walked outside
(29:26):
last night to take the garbage to the curb, and
all the garbage cans had been moved and like they
were behind the air conditioner and they were on a
fucking mission to figure out what killed that bird egg.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Yeah, they were being detectives.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
It was so amazing. And you commented on it yesterday
about how they could go out there and just be children.
There is a part of me that laments the fact
that our children cannot ride their bikes all over the
place the way that I did when I was seven
years old. By the time I was ten years old,
I rode my bike all over the county I lived in.
It gave zero fox. I was acrossing major roads even
(29:58):
though I wasn't allowed to, like, I was doing all
kinds of crazy shit on that bike because that was
my freedom. And when I became as I got older,
it just got worse and worse and worse. But it
made an independence in me. People who get put on
house rests that stay on house rest for a long
duration of time become agrophobic. They don't want to leave
their home. Being in public gives them an anxiety that
wasn't there before, because you get so used to living
(30:19):
in your bubble that you know you're safe. I don't
want the kids to experience that. But knowing that they
were outside yesterday just playing and being kids and not
worried about what we were doing, and not coming in
and out of the house fifty times and they were
totally able to entertain themselves gives me a bit of
peace that we're doing the right thing, because at six
and seven years old, they do have that independence to
what we're allowing them to have Obviously, I'm not letting
(30:41):
them ride their bikes like that. They're not where I
was at seven years old. Granted I got hit by
a car when I was seven because I fucking ran
a stop sign. Beth, and he said, I think you
guys are doing amazing with a little pirate. He sounds
like one of the children I babysit. Living in two homes,
created two where to go, two different kids, and seeing
that he had a hard time. Seeing that he had
(31:02):
a hard time got to me. Abby said, we're buying
walkie talkies for the boy when he goes and plays
with the neighbors. I'm so excited we actually have walkie
talkies too. Lately, been trying to help my cousin detach
from a toxic relationship, and I've been trying to help
get an ex to try to stop drinking like he is,
and it's been so mentally exhausting and emotionally exhausting. You
(31:23):
are giving too much of yourself to people who don't
deserve it. If you find yourself exhausted after dealing with
all of that shit, you're doing too much. This is
the making sure that you still have enough battery and
you to deal with the rest of your life shit
and not giving too much of you to other people.
That's speaking boundaries, you know. Kennedy said, I love. How
(31:44):
do y'all? I'm sorry, I shouldn't say I love, She said,
how do y'all navigate not yelling? After countless times of asking,
telling nicely or slash telling nicely? It makes me disgusted
with myself because I know I'm acting no better than
an unregulated toddlers. That's everybody is going to have those moments.
I had a conversation with little Man yesterday was yesterday
where I was talking about yelling. I had to explain
(32:05):
to him. I was like, I don't remember, so do
I get loud because I'm dad voicing you. And there's
a difference between me screaming at you and me, you know,
asserting myself in the conversation so that you stop doing
what you're doing to listen. I know when I'm doing
it that it's wrong. It allows me to back off
and apologize. I hear you do it all the time too.
That's you know, I shouldn't have done that, and they
say it's okay, and you say, well, it's not okay,
(32:27):
because it's not how I'm supposed to conduct myself. Those moments,
I think are lessons learned by children that are more
valuable than whatever you're trying to stop them from doing
by yelling at them, because it shows that you can
make a mistake and own the mistake. It shows them accountability,
It shows that you are not always going to be
on your a game. Another conversation that I have a
(32:48):
little man the other day about his homework because he
was making mistakes. I looked at him and I say,
do you know why they make erasers? And he's like, no,
to a race, that's what he said. And I'm like, dude,
because they know that people are going to make mistakes
or going to do things in life that is not right,
and with a race or you can just wipe it
off and correct and learn. And if you can't learn
from your mistake, you're not going to improve. We had
(33:08):
a whole little conversation about that, and like now when
he does something wrong, I'm like, dude, it's a mistake.
Where's your eraser? Like? Make it make it easy. You
can do this in a slew of different ways, but
it's important to reinstill those things in people because it
builds confidence.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
I don't repeat myself. I used to, and it would
be I'm going to ask three or four times, and
then I'm gonna yell because now they know that I'm serious. Right,
I'm going to tell you something once and then after
that I'm going to say, I'm not going to repeat myself.
So now you have the opportunity to either go do
when I asked or told you to get done, or
you can stay on the corner. I'm not going to
(33:44):
repeat myself. I know that you heard me. We made
eye contact and you shook your head yes, and then
you made a choice to continue doing what you were
doing instead of going to do what was asked to
be done. And that has really dialed back the tension
that can build up.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
Yeah, So in that conversation, I think it's important that
the kids understand the why of things. If you just
tell somebody to do something because you want them to
do it, they don't understand the mission at hand. They're
just doing what they're told, it's slavery. And when kids understand, well,
why do I got to clean my room? Well, because
it's a mess and ants and bugs and do you
want spiders crawling in your an I time while you're sleeping, Like,
(34:21):
because that can happen if your fucking room is a
pig sty and there's bugs in here, the predators that
eat the bugs are coming in your room. So like
there's always you know, there's also discipline that needs to
be explained in that situation, and like you're learning to
be a man and taking care of yourself and living
in a clean house. Like there's a whole lot that
goes into that, and that's the ice. Well, because I
said so, conversation, Yeah, because I said so, build resentment.
(34:43):
If you explain the situation and they understand why what
they're doing, they're just going to do the shit because
now the questions that they have is being answered, and
that to them is a lot. Our kids ask why
about everything? Well I answer the question and they'll still
say why and'll be like, well, did you listen to
what I said?
Speaker 2 (34:57):
Well?
Speaker 1 (34:57):
What did I say? There's your answer? Right, Like Jenna said,
tell us something that made you smile this week. I'm
enjoying the conversation. I'm enjoying the joyful conversation. Something made
you smile this week? Besides me, can't use me.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
I don't know. This week has been a pretty rough week.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Monday just started. Yeah, how about last week? The last
week was rough.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
Last week was rough. Seeing that my veggie gardens actually
taking a root.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Yeah, that's pretty exciting walking around the property and seeing
shit growing where we are definitely in a season of
growth right now. I got a It didn't make me smile,
but I got an enjoyment yesterday getting rid of the
car because I feel like I'm taking strides to do
things we've had. Last week was a lot for us.
Like we both had a rough time last week, and
(35:44):
it continued for me up until yesterday. And like I
started getting over my shit yesterday and I feel way
better today than yesterday. I'm tired still, but last week
was a lot, especially Thursday, Friday, you know, through the weekend.
But our schedules got fucked up. Things that had nothing
to do with us affected our household inside the house
as well as the kids. And when that happens, that
(36:05):
chaos becomes a lot. But there's definitely been a lot
of things that's happened over the last six days, seven
days that I'm very proud of, and I'm using that
pride and action as my wins. Started writing my second book,
knocked off forty two thousand dollars a debt from our
overall debt, which is a lot when you think about it,
had some really good conversations with the kids, got little
(36:27):
man's new bike built. There's been a lot of like
small victories that are seemingly just mundane life shit that
I'm holding onto as big wins. Some of them were big.
But ye found you new necklaces, found me a couple
of new necklaces. Yes, just doing that shit. I don't
like having downtime.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
Yeah I can.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
Do you have anything else that you want to talk about? No?
Not really, okay, Beth, And he said, I got a
new job. That's my win.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (36:58):
I had a really good men's call you yesterday. And
this is not a plug for the men's call. I
just want to acknowledge that there is a gentleman in there,
and he'll know who I am, or he'll know who
he is when I'm talking about what's happening. He joined
our men's group when we first started. He's done a
little bit of editing work for us, whatever, But when
he first started the men's group with us, everything that
he discussed was depressive. It was very depressive, and you
(37:20):
could hear it in his voice that he was not good.
And it wasn't necessarily the words that he was using
a lot of times, it was just the tone in
the way he conducted himself in the calls. And yesterday
and speaking to him before everybody got on the call,
he had a moment of gratitude with me, and he's like, dude,
I really appreciate all of this. He's like, it's completely
changed my life. Blah blah blah. He said he started
doing yoga and all of the shit, and I was
(37:42):
and I told him, I was like, dude, you can
hear the difference in your voice simply and the inflection
and the tone that you're using from then to now.
You don't sound like the same person. And it's just
a good thing to acknowledge that, Like, if people in
your life are trying to make change and you see it,
enforce that behavior, let them know that they're seeing, Like,
(38:02):
take that five seconds to just do the thing real quickly.
One last question that we're done. Mighty Mouse said, we
should recognize that we did wrong, especially if your person
is trying to approach you and communicate what you did wrong.
It's then up to you on how you want to
move forward with the situation. It's important to recognize when
somebody tells you that you did something wrong that they're
not trying to change you. They're trying to make you
(38:23):
understand that you hurt their feelings, right, and you can
validate that and have a discussion about what happened and
get all of that shit figured out and then discuss
the correction of behavior moving forward. But in those moments,
people are looking for validation and they need to find
better ways to give that most of the time because
that's where the conversations get fucked up. That was my
thought on that. Jenna said, I hear that a lot
(38:44):
in the Woman of the Sacred Sisterhood. That's awesome. We're
changing lives, babe, definitely trying to Yeah. I think we are.
I think that we are are fulfilling our purpose as healers.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
Yeah. With that being said, guys, remember that you are
the through of your own life. So grab a pen
and we will see you on the next one.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
Bye, guys.
Look out. We've come all the things with beauty on
the bottom, all our wold it is you. You're my
favorite views. But that's not and we are back.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Welcome back, you beautiful creatures.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
We're gonna be doing some Friday content for you guys.
This is going to be an article that we pulled
off of medium dot com. The the train wrecks of
articles on this website sometimes tend to like or can
be gold mines of information and create great discussions. And
we found one on here that is a member only
story and it is written by somebody who has a PhD.
(00:46):
It's called the Impact of author author.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Blah blah blah Authoritarian.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
You want to read that.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
The impact of authoritarian parenting on trauma responding. How rigid rules,
excessive demands, and an inability to be ourselves influence three
types of responding. Trigger warning. The following content includes personal
experiences and discussions around difficult topics such as trauma, emotional challenges, childhood, maltreatment,
or abusive relationships. While my intent is to educate and
(01:15):
share personal insights, some readers may find certain content emotionally distressing.
This article is for informational purposes only.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
And our response to said article is for entertainment purposes only.
We are not professionals this chick is though.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Yes, as kids, we probably weren't focusing too much of
our attention on how we were being raised or on
the adults in our lives who had power and control
over us. Granted, most probably grew up in an environment
where punishment was doled out only when necessary, and where
memories of being loved, encouraged, guided, and wanted outweighed any
ruppermands received. For the rest of us, our experiences were different.
(01:53):
Harsher Words like authoritarian may not have rolled off our
tongues as kids, but as adults we can now not
long in recognizing this type of parenting and its effect
on our lives. The reality is that the word authoritarian
is not always taught in school. Kids aren't learning how
to differentiate between authoritative, warm, sensitive and structured parenting laissez fair,
(02:15):
negligent permissive parenting, an authoritarian, abusive, narcissistic parenting. For most
of us, we can only look back in hindsight and
unpack the parenting we experience in our childhood and attach
the appropriate label to it. Because we likely didn't recognize
as kids that authoritarian parenting is akin to an abusive, violent, controlling,
(02:37):
and restrictive environment. We also weren't pairing words like fear
and discipline into the equation, and because we weren't thinking
of the long term effects of this kind of parenting
on our sense of identity, autonomy, and self love, we
also weren't focusing on other names that fall under the
umbrella of authoritarian parenting, such as helicopter parent or militaristic.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Those phrases. I didn't know what any of that shit
was until we started the podcast. Really, I had never
heard the term helicopter parenting, militaristic like a militant household.
I knew that one obviously. You know, there's a lot
of military men in my family, a lot of military
in my family period, but I would have never like
this podcast has done a lot for my understanding of things.
(03:21):
The problem is is a lot of the podcast and
my understanding of things, I realize how wrong people are
when they use those terms because they hear it used
and they think they understand the meaning behind it, but
until they go home and actually dig into what it is,
they don't fucking know.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
We just knew we had to conform at all costs,
and that interruptiveness and a lack of personal space where
the norm. How we were raised and our formative years
set the stage for how we interact with the world
around us and how we feel about ourselves, including concepts
like self respect, self love, and self identity. For many
who grew up in authoritarian environments where rigid rules and
(03:58):
excessive expectations were the norm, we often develop one of
three specific types of trauma responding rebellion, submissiveness, or avoidance.
Each of these responses can become a reflection of how
authoritative parenting shaped us. On the far end of the spectrum,
we may even vacillate.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Dicillate probably just means that you switch between all three,
but I need to know viscillate, alternate, or weave between
different opinions or actions.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Be indecisive, okay, a good word between all three of
these trauma responses and a self destructive dance.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
I want to I want to pause on this for
a minute. I know we've talked because we've read a
lot of books about what it is to go through
things as a child and how the first sixteen months
of your life can actually create mental disorders and a child,
but things like the always screaming parent or the ones
who if you don't get it right the first time,
is in your face, screaming and yell and call your
(04:55):
names and degrading you. There are so many things that
can create problems with your t child that could be
learning disabilities. It could create an anxiousness in them that
makes them not learn. It could create a shaky hand
or like a twitch, a flinch even without being hit,
because of the aggression being so physically impactful from the
(05:16):
words and the aura of a person. I was watching
something last night. This is why all this even came up.
I was watching something last night that was talking about
the invisible electromagnetic fields that everyone puts off. The premise
of the show was about how the brain and the
heart have its own pulse, and the brain, the brain
electromatic electromagnetic field can only be measured a little bit
(05:38):
past the head, but the heart goes out way far
and the earth has the same thing. The core goes
out way further than like the surface level in terms
of energy. When you have somebody that has an ugliness
in them, and that hate is not an up here thing,
it's just in their core and they are just nasty people.
That shit can be felt in a moment when you
(05:58):
walk into a room and somebody off and you know
that they're off, You can feel that that is that
electromagnetic field that they are putting off that lets you
know something's not right. When everything is good with people,
people's heart rates actually sink. And this has actually been
proven across the world, like for people who are interacting
like over social media and shit. They've done tests that
(06:19):
when things are good, people sync up on an electromagnetic base,
the energy levels do. So. To have a child in
a situation where the parents are being ugly, screaming, yelling, militant,
narcissistic abuse of making people throw their clothes out in
the laundry, their laundry out on the lawn, all of
that kind of shit that is affecting them on a
molecular level, that is going to do a lot more
(06:42):
than just the subconscious abuse aspect. Like I said earlier,
the shaky hands, the feeling nervous of going into public,
all of that shit can come down to feeling that
from a parent who starts doing this shit at an
early age.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Continuing yep, the rebel For many who grew up with
authoritarian caregivers, the one thing we share is that it
wasn't just about following rules, It was about being controlled.
There was always the overarching, often unspoken thread of consequences
for not towing the line or blindly conforming to what
our caregivers expected or demanded. Growing up, there was no
(07:17):
such thing as at personal space. What was mine was theirs.
My belongings would be dumped out of my drawers at
a moment's notice as one of their ways of controlling
me and to see what I was up to. I
quickly learned to keep anything of privacy. At school, it
felt like I was constantly under a microscope, constantly watched
and constantly judged. I was told how to dress, shamed
(07:40):
for wearing something that was not approved, and constantly reminded
that I was not thin enough, not attractive enough, not
trying hard enough. At school, one of my caregivers was
obsessed with image and perfection, where I was under their
constant surveillance. I didn't remember my pleases and thank yous,
there were harsh consequences because any failure on my part
was a reflection on their perfect caregiving. I was constantly
(08:04):
compared to my peers and held to unrealistic standards and expectations.
I made a mistake. I was not taught or shown
how to do it right, but reminded of my error.
This took a toll on me where I developed severe
anxiety and depression, the classic withdrawn child.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
And there you go. I wanted to touch on something,
the unspoken rual thing and living in that fear of
fucking up is a lot and that that's the anxiety
aspect of that. When you when you have that with
your child and they know that nothing's there and there's
nothing sacred in the home, it's when they have to
start hiding shit from you. You now have a child
that will never come clean with anything. Oh yeah, because
(08:39):
of the fear of the parent, right, And like that
removes every opportunity for them to learn from their shortcomings.
Situations where say they get into a fight at school
and the conversation is well did you win? No, and
like either there's berating or they just stop the conversation.
There's no consoling. Well, I'm sorry that you were physically assaulted.
(09:01):
I'm sorry that you are in a situation where you
didn't feel safe or that you had to defend yourself.
You know, why did that happen? There's no conversations right
like that, And that comes from the same thing. If
you if your child does not feel safe enough to
have a conversation and you are not able to emotionally
connect to them and what they're going through, they're not
going to be able to work through things. I just
(09:23):
had this conversation earlier with somebody about a five year
old and what it is to have to explain to
them what's going on in your life. Your five year
old child doesn't understand the words that you use. They
understand bits and pieces of a sentence, and their little
tiny brain puts it together the best way that they can.
Or they just say yeah, okay, yeah, okay, okay, I
(09:44):
got it, okay, and then you go what did I say?
And they go, I don't know. Yeah, his kids do
that right.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Continuing growing up with rigid and unrealistic demands placed on
a child leaves an edible and edible, indelible, indelible, an
indelible mark. Because it is impossible to live up to
expectations of perfection. Many who experienced authoritarian parenting develop deep
resentment towards their caregivers and sadly towards themselves. This self
(10:12):
hatred that is conditioned from years of abuse and having
been controlled, often comes out in horrible choices and friends
who use and abuse them, equally bad choices and a
partner promiscuity, substance abuse, or even self harm, all of
which are forms of rebellion and a middle middle finger
to any type of authority. Rebellious behavior walks hand in
(10:33):
hand with truancy from school, lashing out or shutting down, emotionally,
breaking curfew, and running with the wrong crowd. A controlled
and harshly disciplined, disciplined child can become a rebellious kid
who eventually pushes the envelope in daring their parents, their teachers,
and even their friends to try and control them. Underneath
this rebellious behavior is a scared kid who just wants
(10:54):
to be respected, given a fair chance to learn things
without punishment, and who wants to be able to live
their life on their own terms without feeling confined and controlled.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
You know this, A lot of this is my childhood.
You get to a point as a child where you
realize that nothing you do is going to be seen
as right and that you're always going to be wrong
no matter what, and you stop caring, you stop listening,
you start doing whatever the fuck you want to do
because you realize that there's only so much somebody can
do to your right and at some point in your teenageers,
(11:26):
the worst that can happen is you're gonna get kicked out. Well,
if you're fucking miserable being there, so what you know,
you may have a friend whose parents don't treat them
that way that may let you stay there for a
little while. Right like, you start looking at all the
what if options. I had a really hard time with authority. Yeah,
and a lot of it is for all of this,
the reasons in this. But my thing was I will
(11:48):
do just about anything if it's from a place of love.
But when you start making demands and trying to tell
me how to live my life, I'm not doing that
because I know better. Right, I'm a fucking kid, I'm
a man now, thirteen fourteen years old. I know you
have no fucking idea, but you think you do. You
know what I mean? What was it they used to
say on the drug showing on MTV, This is the
(12:09):
real life of a drug addict. You think you know,
but you have no idea.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
No, I don't remember that.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
I'm old. I play you know, MTV still played music.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Yeah, well I remember that time older than Google me too,
Funnily enough, continuing, Yeah, the scars of having been emotionally
controlled Blah caught that the scars of having been extremely
controlled in childhood are often most noticeable in deficits and
self agency and adulthood. Kids who are controlled to the
(12:42):
nth degree often become adults who are deficient and adulting.
They may not know how to care for themselves because
they were never given the chance to learn how to
care for themselves. When everything is controlled for you as
a child, it limits your ability to be autonomous in
your adult life. Authoritarian caregivers often look at their ability
to control their kid as a nod of approval to
(13:02):
their parenting. It's not. It's abuse. Authoritarian parenting strips away
all self debt determination. Authoritarian parenting strips away all self
determination and a person's ability to make healthy and inform
choices for themselves and their lives. It is destructive to
building independence. It breeds complete dependency because of having been
(13:26):
taught compliance as normal.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
I would before. Obviously this is still on rebellion, but
I want to touch on one more thing too. It's
not just the parents who over control, it's also the
ones who do everything for their children that end up
raising adult children. There are people that we know in
real life who are almost thirty or in their thirties
that cannot function without mom and dad right And though
(13:48):
they're living on their own, mom and dad still handles
every facet of their fucking existence because without them they
would not be able to function. And that comes from
the helicopter parenting aspects of things. Little man got a mohawk, yeah,
over the weekend, and I got palm made because he
has somewhat wavy hair, and I wanted to show him
how to put his hair up because gel is not enough.
(14:11):
And I could have lathered my hands up and done
the mohawk and blow dried and showed him how to
do all of that, or I can go, okay, take
your finger, stick it in there, get it on your palm,
and then make it so that it's on your hands.
And he did his own mohawk yesterday, and this morning
he went a step further and did it. And then
you finished with the blow dryer and helped and hairspray.
He's seven. Yeah, it's his hair. If he wants a mohawk,
(14:32):
he can have a fucking mohawk, But he has to
learn how to maintain said hair. He's gonna have to
deal with the fact that if the palm maide starts
to run and get sticky at school, he's gonna have a
sticky forehead. This is life shit. But he now knows
how to groom himself, you know what I mean. Like,
that's the I can do it for you where I
can teach you and you can do it yourself, and
if you don't like it, you don't have to do
that versus you know what I mean. So, yeah, I
(14:54):
think that's important to recognize that you can make the
same outcome from from both extremes of that. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Continuing and the romantic relationships, many find themselves paired up
with abusive partners who are demanding, passive, aggressive, and highly
critical and devaluing of them. They often gravitate to relationships
in one of two ways. A by choosing partners who
are cookie cutter cutouts of their controlling and domineering parents,
or b by gravitating to unhinged partners who are now
(15:25):
equally rebellious. Where both parents push each other over the
edge out of a fear of being controlled, where both partners,
Where both partners push each other over the edge out
of fear of being controlled. The submissive authoritarian caregiving also
commonly breeds submissiveness and people pleasing as normal. When caregivers
(15:46):
set in passable standards and expectations, a child learns to
jump through hoops that are forever moving. The rules of
engagement change at a drop of a hat and based
on the caregiver's whims. Growing up with unrelenting rules, we
learn that disappointing our caregiver is not an option. We
also learned that the only way to avoid conflict or
worse was to fully comply without batting an eye. Survival
(16:09):
is achieved by learning how to read our caregiver's body language,
tone of voice, and to pair their words with their
actions on what they expected and demanded of us. And
in order to minimize the carnage, we quickly learned to
become perfect and to please and appease their every demand.
This was my childhood.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Yeah I will so you know how earlier she said
that there are people that had to switch between all three.
This was also a part of my childhood. I never
knew what I was walking into because I didn't know
who was going to be in the house when I
got home. Yeah, you know, there was, But that's also
the discussion of an addict. When you live with an adict,
you don't know what version of your parent you're walking
in on.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Sadly, when we are conditioned to become a people pleaser,
it's never at our own volition. People pleasing is not
altruistic or done because we want to. It's done out
of necessity to survive. We learned that to minimize any
negative repercussions, we tossed out our needs, feelings, or thoughts
as insignificant in exchange for making our caregivers happy. Over time,
(17:09):
we became scared of displeasing our parents because we've been
on the other side of their rage, anger, and shame.
We've experienced their violent outbursts, and we have learned by
proxy that the only way we can try to reduce
this is by reducing and shrinking ourselves down. When we
grow up learning to please others, it is always at
the expense of loving ourselves. Each time we say yes
(17:30):
to someone else, you're saying no to ourselves, and self
betrayal is what is being learned. Each time we get
a nod of approval or a glimpse of external validation.
It keeps us jumping through their hoops and hopes of
receiving more. The idea of disappointing our caregivers hits us
right in our value and worth, and because authoritarian caregivers
(17:51):
know all too well how to play a game to
their benefit, if we do inadvertently disappoint them, the outcome
is being shamed and feeling like a pleete failure. Authoritarian
parenting teaches submissive submissiveness as survival. We learn that we
are not valued for who we are, but instead based
on what we do, performing, achieving, and accomplishing. Accomplishing becomes
(18:15):
a means to an end and receiving conditional approval. Over time,
we learn to ignore our own desires, our own voice,
and our own needs just to keep the peace people.
Pleasing does not always end when we move away from
our authoritarian parents and romantic relationships. This need to please
often attracts partners who are demanding, passive, aggressive, and narcissistic.
(18:37):
Where we are constantly bending over backwards to please the unpleasable.
We end up foolishly believing that we aren't trying hard
enough to make them happy instead of accepting the reality
that we are with a person who is incapable of
being happy. The harder we try to prove we are
worthy of love, the more obstinate, obstinate, obstinate, the more
(18:57):
obstinate and cruel they become as a reminder that they
cannot love us or.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Themselves A lot, a lot so the people pleaser. I've
always stated that that comes down to not being able
to set boundaries, and that comes from not having self worth. Yeah,
and that makes sense after reading all of this, that
just you know, validates my thought on all of that.
When you have a people pleasing child and that's how
they live their life, they will live their entire existence
not setting boundaries and never truly get to enjoy their
(19:24):
life because they're too busy worrying about other people. Yeah,
it's wild.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
Hey, guys, a little quick interruption. If you're enjoying the content,
please leave alike, and also don't forget to comment. We
enjoy interacting with you guys and hearing your opinions and
it helps the algorithm.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
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It costs you nothing and it greatly helps the show.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
The avoidant. When growing up under the constant weight of
authoritarian parenting, many of us learn that emotions don't matter
or are even dangerous. Expressing any vulnerable emotions can quickly
be met with shame, to cuel, or harsh punishment, so
we learn to suck it up and to avoid emotion
at all costs. One of the hardest parts about growing
(20:07):
up with emotionally immature parents, where their needs and whims
are center stage, it is that any attempt at seeking comfort, love,
or validation where I met with rage, insults, or silence.
That was a big one for me too. I wasn't
a rebel. I was too scared of the repercussions.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
That was my later years. Yeah, the need to I
was almost a people pleaser. But the second part of this,
the avoidant aspect of it, in the way that I
was treated to make me avoidant, push me to be
in the rebel. I remember specifically there being a handful
of times where I did something wrong and was trying
to correct self soothe, make amends. However you want to
(20:47):
word that with my mom, where she would flatly, flatly
say I'm not going to speak to you, and they
would fucking ignore me until either my stepdad got home
or until I had to leave were until I gave
up on trying, and like that silent treatment. Shit. Knowing
that you are intentionally being ignored as if you don't
exist is a fucking lot for a child. Yes it is.
(21:10):
It tells you very quickly where you stand. I was.
I was a plaything. I was that thing to show off,
to do the thing. Look what my son can do.
Look at my son when.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
It look at my great parenting.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
When it benefited them, or when they needed like an
extra card player, or if they needed somebody to drive
them somewhere because they had been drinking, or or whatever.
You know what I mean. But like, for the most part,
I was an inconvenience to my parents. I honestly have
I do that that would have been a lie. But
I guess looking back on it, I understand now why
things played out the way that they did. But then
(21:42):
all I thought was like it's irrelevant anyways. I hate
that I can't just have the conversations I want to
have because it's still personal.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Yeah. Continuing, children who grow up in these conditions are
often grossly emotionally neglected and wrongly learn that emotions are
wrong and that we are wrong for displaying them.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Crazy learning.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Avoidance of the trauma response may get us through tough
times in our childhood, but it's only a band aid. Ultimately,
we become out of touch with what we are feeling,
as well as the feelings and needs of others. In essence,
we are developmentally delayed, where we do not understand how
to relate to others displaying a need for affection or compassion,
and so we do not know how to provide it.
(22:24):
In a similar vein, because we are conditioned to become
so out of sync with our own emotions, any emotion
we feel is experienced as unsettling, even dangerous, so we
learn to keep shutting down out of self preservation.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
The amount of problems that that will cause somebody in
their future because you're not able to read the room
because everything feels like an attack is like a huge
detriment to people.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
Yeah, the longer we hold onto this trauma response, the
more damage it can do to our well being, and
an effort to avoid conflict, we may push others away
before they have a chance to hurt us. Many times
we can look at the act of being alone as
safer than letting someone in and risk being shamed or
ridiculed for showing any vulnerability. We build wall so high
(23:08):
and so reinforced that no one can ever get inside.
We end up isolating out of a need to feel
nothing instead of feeling, instead of fearing feeling anything. Avoidance
is carried into our romantic relationships, where we continue distancing
and pushing away emotional closeness and intimacy. What we desperately
need in our childhood to feel wanted, loved, and cared
(23:29):
for become overwhelming and fear inducing. We avoid intimate conversation,
getting too close to someone and allowing them to get
too close to us. The fear of being controlled, shamed,
or harshly treated is what is keep is what has
us keeping everyone at arms distance. Once bitten twice shy.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Yeah, So that that last little bit when you think
about the courting phase, we can close this now because
that was the end of the article. When you think
of the courting phase and that new lustful feeling and
everything is good and it's not super serious shit, and
there could potentially be feelings involved, but like it's just
new fun, there's no risk there. You find people that
(24:12):
have that last avoidant situation where they're living their life
like that, and the moment things get serious, things start
to fall apart because they can't commit. They're afraid to
let their emotions out, they're afraid to have the hard conversations,
or they do commit because things have been so good
that when conflict happens, they don't know how to resolve
the conflict. They either go to people pleasing they completely detach. Well,
(24:35):
you're just crazy. They could become narcissistic. There's a whole
lot of fuck that comes into that. From all of that,
it's important to let your kids be kids. Yeah, you
still have to monitor their behavior. You have to monitor
their actions because kids are gonna do really dumb things
and they're gonna get hurt. You gotta let them get
hurt too, without fucking dying. Right, Like we want injury,
(24:57):
but not crazy injury.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Let them do stupid things, safe environment so they can
learn their lessons. But you need to be able to
allow them to have their feelings. This is something that
we're going through with little Man right now because he's
I believe he's mimicking behavior that he's seen and that's
why the things that he's currently doing is happening. But
when we ask him, why are you doing that, he's like,
I don't know, I don't know, and that I don't
(25:20):
know answer means that you're doing it on autopilot, because
this is what you expect behavior to be like.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
He was also pretty well able to articulate himself yesterday
because we asked him, why do you do then he said,
because I get angry right and I don't know what
to do with myself because I'm not getting what I want.
He was like, I forget the things you tell me
sometimes when I get angry because I'm just so angry.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
I don't believe that that's the case though. Yeah. So
I know that your kids will not do what you
tell them to do, but they will follow in your footsteps.
So if you have a situation where you have a
child that's living in one parent's house, that child will
take on the behavioral traits of the parents as they
grow up subconsciously, you just mimic that behavior that's your environment.
(26:05):
When you have kids that have multiple households, that character
that is being developed is a split between the both.
So they might know better, but they're not going to
do the better. I do think that there are a
lot of things that's happening in him that he just
does on autopilot because he believes that it's normal behavior.
And I have to be careful with the things that
are said in all of this, But I think that
(26:27):
more specifically, as Vegas is going to sound, I think
that that specific situation that we were just talking about
happened because he's mimicking behavior. But I think that that
stems from a lack of respect that also plays into
the issues that we just read about, from being generational
shit handed down. Yeah, I don't know. I don't it.
(26:47):
Shit's a mess. When you think of healing generational trauma,
you're not healing. You You were stopping the things that
have been passed down over and over and over again
and instilling new shit that's going to be passed down
in the future. And that's what the generational shift is. Otherwise,
you're just healing your trauma. Healing generational trauma is stopping
all of that. There goes carry running through like a
(27:08):
Sventura with the dog, and I think it's important to
recognize that as what I was getting at. We're only
thirty seven minutes and you want to interact with the
chat for a few minutes and then wrap up. Yeah, okay,
you guys have anything you want to bullshit about for
a little bit before we wrap up, Abby said, Man,
all of that out of a seven year old, that's incredible.
He's definitely learning to articulate himself. There's also conversations that
(27:31):
we have with him where he's not able to understand
the full grasp of the conversations. Our kids are getting
really good about going what does that word mean? There's
times that I'm like, I don't know how to explain
that to you, and I have to google it, and
then I have to find words and the definition that
are easier for me to dummy down so that I
can give a like example, we had a moment last
night where we had to explain the difference between a
(27:52):
response and reaction, and the only thing I could think
to do is hit his potelton and in his need
to make his knee flick. Yeah, and you're like, that
was genius. How did you think of that? I don't know.
It's a reaction like if somebody walks up to you
whispers in your ear and you do that shit because
you know they're there. That's a reaction that's visceral, like
that's that is a reaction that's very different than going,
wait a minute, there's somebody next to me, I should
turn around right like. And I was able to explain
(28:14):
that to a seven year old and it was a
really cool little experience. But Kennedy said, she loves your shirt.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
Oh thank you.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
The dress the top. Bethany said the same thing.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
The dress. It has sons all over.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Everybody has started referring to a little man as the Pirate. Yeah,
and for those of you who don't know, that's because
of Zach.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
It is yesterday when he went outside, he came to
me and he is like, Mommy, I'm gonna go get
dressed in armor. I was like, okay, word like, you're
gonna go out there and the protect us. And he
disappears into his bedroom and he comes back out like
five minutes later, and he is not dressed in armor.
He has the pirate hat on, he has his iPad,
(28:54):
his eyepatch on, he put on his he has a
lizard button up shirt that he's now wearing as his
pirate shirt. And he had the parrot attached to his fingers.
He had a sword tucked into his pants.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
That's funny. You know what they did last night? They
found an egg on the property that looked to be
like a small bird egg. It was tiny, and it
had been split in half, and they're like, what happened.
I was like, I don't know, guys, you're outside. You
have to figure it out. And they went on in
a whole adventure trying to figure out what killed the
bird with the bird egg, and that wasted like three
and a half hours of the day. I walked outside
(29:26):
last night to take the garbage to the curb, and
all the garbage cans had been moved and like they
were behind the air conditioner and they were on a
fucking mission to figure out what killed that bird egg.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Yeah, they were being detectives.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
It was so amazing. And you commented on it yesterday
about how they could go out there and just be children.
There is a part of me that laments the fact
that our children cannot ride their bikes all over the
place the way that I did when I was seven
years old. By the time I was ten years old,
I rode my bike all over the county I lived in.
It gave zero fox. I was acrossing major roads even
(29:58):
though I wasn't allowed to, like, I was doing all
kinds of crazy shit on that bike because that was
my freedom. And when I became as I got older,
it just got worse and worse and worse. But it
made an independence in me. People who get put on
house rests that stay on house rest for a long
duration of time become agrophobic. They don't want to leave
their home. Being in public gives them an anxiety that
wasn't there before, because you get so used to living
(30:19):
in your bubble that you know you're safe. I don't
want the kids to experience that. But knowing that they
were outside yesterday just playing and being kids and not
worried about what we were doing, and not coming in
and out of the house fifty times and they were
totally able to entertain themselves gives me a bit of
peace that we're doing the right thing, because at six
and seven years old, they do have that independence to
what we're allowing them to have Obviously, I'm not letting
(30:41):
them ride their bikes like that. They're not where I
was at seven years old. Granted I got hit by
a car when I was seven because I fucking ran
a stop sign. Beth, and he said, I think you
guys are doing amazing with a little pirate. He sounds
like one of the children I babysit. Living in two homes,
created two where to go, two different kids, and seeing
that he had a hard time. Seeing that he had
(31:02):
a hard time got to me. Abby said, we're buying
walkie talkies for the boy when he goes and plays
with the neighbors. I'm so excited we actually have walkie
talkies too. Lately, been trying to help my cousin detach
from a toxic relationship, and I've been trying to help
get an ex to try to stop drinking like he is,
and it's been so mentally exhausting and emotionally exhausting. You
(31:23):
are giving too much of yourself to people who don't
deserve it. If you find yourself exhausted after dealing with
all of that shit, you're doing too much. This is
the making sure that you still have enough battery and
you to deal with the rest of your life shit
and not giving too much of you to other people.
That's speaking boundaries, you know. Kennedy said, I love. How
(31:44):
do y'all? I'm sorry, I shouldn't say I love, She said,
how do y'all navigate not yelling? After countless times of asking,
telling nicely or slash telling nicely? It makes me disgusted
with myself because I know I'm acting no better than
an unregulated toddlers. That's everybody is going to have those moments.
I had a conversation with little Man yesterday was yesterday
where I was talking about yelling. I had to explain
(32:05):
to him. I was like, I don't remember, so do
I get loud because I'm dad voicing you. And there's
a difference between me screaming at you and me, you know,
asserting myself in the conversation so that you stop doing
what you're doing to listen. I know when I'm doing
it that it's wrong. It allows me to back off
and apologize. I hear you do it all the time too.
That's you know, I shouldn't have done that, and they
say it's okay, and you say, well, it's not okay,
(32:27):
because it's not how I'm supposed to conduct myself. Those moments,
I think are lessons learned by children that are more
valuable than whatever you're trying to stop them from doing
by yelling at them, because it shows that you can
make a mistake and own the mistake. It shows them accountability,
It shows that you are not always going to be
on your a game. Another conversation that I have a
(32:48):
little man the other day about his homework because he
was making mistakes. I looked at him and I say,
do you know why they make erasers? And he's like, no,
to a race, that's what he said. And I'm like, dude,
because they know that people are going to make mistakes
or going to do things in life that is not right,
and with a race or you can just wipe it
off and correct and learn. And if you can't learn
from your mistake, you're not going to improve. We had
(33:08):
a whole little conversation about that, and like now when
he does something wrong, I'm like, dude, it's a mistake.
Where's your eraser? Like? Make it make it easy. You
can do this in a slew of different ways, but
it's important to reinstill those things in people because it
builds confidence.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
I don't repeat myself. I used to, and it would
be I'm going to ask three or four times, and
then I'm gonna yell because now they know that I'm serious. Right,
I'm going to tell you something once and then after
that I'm going to say, I'm not going to repeat myself.
So now you have the opportunity to either go do
when I asked or told you to get done, or
you can stay on the corner. I'm not going to
(33:44):
repeat myself. I know that you heard me. We made
eye contact and you shook your head yes, and then
you made a choice to continue doing what you were
doing instead of going to do what was asked to
be done. And that has really dialed back the tension
that can build up.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
Yeah, So in that conversation, I think it's important that
the kids understand the why of things. If you just
tell somebody to do something because you want them to
do it, they don't understand the mission at hand. They're
just doing what they're told, it's slavery. And when kids understand, well,
why do I got to clean my room? Well, because
it's a mess and ants and bugs and do you
want spiders crawling in your an I time while you're sleeping, Like,
(34:21):
because that can happen if your fucking room is a
pig sty and there's bugs in here, the predators that
eat the bugs are coming in your room. So like
there's always you know, there's also discipline that needs to
be explained in that situation, and like you're learning to
be a man and taking care of yourself and living
in a clean house. Like there's a whole lot that
goes into that, and that's the ice. Well, because I
said so, conversation, Yeah, because I said so, build resentment.
(34:43):
If you explain the situation and they understand why what
they're doing, they're just going to do the shit because
now the questions that they have is being answered, and
that to them is a lot. Our kids ask why
about everything? Well I answer the question and they'll still
say why and'll be like, well, did you listen to
what I said?
Speaker 2 (34:57):
Well?
Speaker 1 (34:57):
What did I say? There's your answer? Right, Like Jenna said,
tell us something that made you smile this week. I'm
enjoying the conversation. I'm enjoying the joyful conversation. Something made
you smile this week? Besides me, can't use me.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
I don't know. This week has been a pretty rough week.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Monday just started. Yeah, how about last week? The last
week was rough.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
Last week was rough. Seeing that my veggie gardens actually
taking a root.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Yeah, that's pretty exciting walking around the property and seeing
shit growing where we are definitely in a season of
growth right now. I got a It didn't make me smile,
but I got an enjoyment yesterday getting rid of the
car because I feel like I'm taking strides to do
things we've had. Last week was a lot for us.
Like we both had a rough time last week, and
(35:44):
it continued for me up until yesterday. And like I
started getting over my shit yesterday and I feel way
better today than yesterday. I'm tired still, but last week
was a lot, especially Thursday, Friday, you know, through the weekend.
But our schedules got fucked up. Things that had nothing
to do with us affected our household inside the house
as well as the kids. And when that happens, that
(36:05):
chaos becomes a lot. But there's definitely been a lot
of things that's happened over the last six days, seven
days that I'm very proud of, and I'm using that
pride and action as my wins. Started writing my second book,
knocked off forty two thousand dollars a debt from our
overall debt, which is a lot when you think about it,
had some really good conversations with the kids, got little
(36:27):
man's new bike built. There's been a lot of like
small victories that are seemingly just mundane life shit that
I'm holding onto as big wins. Some of them were big.
But ye found you new necklaces, found me a couple
of new necklaces. Yes, just doing that shit. I don't
like having downtime.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
Yeah I can.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
Do you have anything else that you want to talk about? No?
Not really, okay, Beth, And he said, I got a
new job. That's my win.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (36:58):
I had a really good men's call you yesterday. And
this is not a plug for the men's call. I
just want to acknowledge that there is a gentleman in there,
and he'll know who I am, or he'll know who
he is when I'm talking about what's happening. He joined
our men's group when we first started. He's done a
little bit of editing work for us, whatever, But when
he first started the men's group with us, everything that
he discussed was depressive. It was very depressive, and you
(37:20):
could hear it in his voice that he was not good.
And it wasn't necessarily the words that he was using
a lot of times, it was just the tone in
the way he conducted himself in the calls. And yesterday
and speaking to him before everybody got on the call,
he had a moment of gratitude with me, and he's like, dude,
I really appreciate all of this. He's like, it's completely
changed my life. Blah blah blah. He said he started
doing yoga and all of the shit, and I was
(37:42):
and I told him, I was like, dude, you can
hear the difference in your voice simply and the inflection
and the tone that you're using from then to now.
You don't sound like the same person. And it's just
a good thing to acknowledge that, Like, if people in
your life are trying to make change and you see it,
enforce that behavior, let them know that they're seeing, Like,
(38:02):
take that five seconds to just do the thing real quickly.
One last question that we're done. Mighty Mouse said, we
should recognize that we did wrong, especially if your person
is trying to approach you and communicate what you did wrong.
It's then up to you on how you want to
move forward with the situation. It's important to recognize when
somebody tells you that you did something wrong that they're
not trying to change you. They're trying to make you
(38:23):
understand that you hurt their feelings, right, and you can
validate that and have a discussion about what happened and
get all of that shit figured out and then discuss
the correction of behavior moving forward. But in those moments,
people are looking for validation and they need to find
better ways to give that most of the time because
that's where the conversations get fucked up. That was my
thought on that. Jenna said, I hear that a lot
(38:44):
in the Woman of the Sacred Sisterhood. That's awesome. We're
changing lives, babe, definitely trying to Yeah. I think we are.
I think that we are are fulfilling our purpose as healers.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
Yeah. With that being said, guys, remember that you are
the through of your own life. So grab a pen
and we will see you on the next one.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
Bye, guys.
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Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.