Bad relationships/cheating talk

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Look up with count all the things on the bottom.
O wold is you You're my favorite view but that's not.

Speaker 2 (00:22):
And we are back.

Speaker 3 (00:24):
Welcome back, you beautiful bitches.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
Today's episode is going to drop on Halloween.

Speaker 3 (00:29):
Oh I wish I knew that.

Speaker 2 (00:31):
I didn't know it until about five minutes ago. Yeah,
I would have gotten dressed. I was checking. I mean,
you're still your your pants are kind of Halloween is worl.
I'm wearing black and orange too. We're kind of matching
almost almost, kind of a little bit close enough. Yeah,
So we are going to be doing uh an episode
today where yesterday I had the format, I created a
Google document and we did the thing, and today you

(00:53):
did one. So you're going to take the reins on this. However,
I want to get into something else real quick before
we get into all of that. For those we are
recording live in front of Discord we always do. For
those of you who are not a member of our Patreon,
we highly recommend you become a member because you get
access to a whole lot of cool shit, including I'm
about to announce we had a room open up for

(01:14):
the North Carolina Couple's Retreat that's going in two weeks.
We're going to resell it. We put it up on
the website. We're pulling it back down. It's going to
we're going to end up giving the room away. Well,
we created a chat and discord and the chat is
if you are able to make it to North Carolina.
We understand that. Look, we get it, We fucking get it.

(01:34):
Not everybody has two thousand dollars that they can spend
for a weekend, and sometimes people need help regardless of
their financial situation. We have an opportunity to open that
room up for somebody to be able to come and
stay and not charge them for it. You still have
to find your way there. Yes, we're not responsible for
your transportation, but the room is going to be giving
to somebody that is given to somebody in our discord.
That way, you know, people that are in that maybe

(01:56):
the North Carolina and surrounding states could just drive and
stay for the weekend and get some help. But we
did create a chat in discord called the North Carolina Retreat.
If you can go, you just got to go in
there and say we can go, and then we're gonna
pick somebody in the next day or so. I think
that when we do our retreats. Moving forward, we should
keep a room available for people to give away and

(02:18):
just do this every single time.

Speaker 3 (02:19):
Oh yeah, I love that idea. I think that's great. Yeah,
I think it. I think it's a great way to
give back to our community.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
I agree. I agree. There's a lot of people out there.
You know, we see people leave the discord quite a
bit because of financial reasons, pleasons, and if people are
struggling for fifteen dollars a month for a discord channel sometimes,
you know, people people have to priorities, to prioritize their life.
And if people are canceling their Netflix to be able
to stay in our server, like to be able to
do shit like this is it feels good. So also

(02:50):
looked up the air balloon thing yesterday after we had
this conversation about hot air balloons, and I realized that
the hot air balloons are insanely expensive. Yeah, and not
a very long trip. An hour in the air, and
it's two thousand dollars for a private tour. Otherwise you're
in a basket with twelve other people for fairly cheap.

Speaker 3 (03:11):
How big are the best?

Speaker 2 (03:13):
Twelve other people in a confined space doesn't work? For me.
So I don't know if we're going to get to
ride in air balloons while we're in Utah. I just
don't know if I want to spend that kind of money.
I'd rather like go go karting or you know, do
something that doesn't cost two thousand dollars like that costs
more than our flights and shit out there.

Speaker 3 (03:28):
Yeah, so I'm down to go kart Yeah. Yeah, I
talk a lot of shit. I talk a lot of
shit about a lot of things.

Speaker 2 (03:35):
So there's actually a go kart place in Fort Myers
that's opening, I believe at the end of summer. I
found them on Facebook today and their tracks not just
a round track, like, it's a multi leveled thing. And
when it shut up on my Facebook earlier, I sent
them a message and was like, I'm interested when you
guys open to rent the event space because that would
be a cool Florida meet and greet. You know, if
we can rent the entire thing out for a day
for you know, a couple thousand dollars, we can get

(03:57):
all the tattoo shop guys down there and then we
can do a meet and greet because I have the
entire place to ourself. So I think that would be
really cool too.

Speaker 3 (04:03):
I think that'd be absolutely fantastic. I love being an
adult child.

Speaker 2 (04:10):
That's fun for me.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (04:12):
Oh, do you want to hear something silly?

Speaker 2 (04:13):
Yes, I want to hear something silly.

Speaker 3 (04:15):
So I put on So. I have multiple deodorants floating
around on my side of the bathroom, odd right, So
if I can't find the one I'm looking for, I
have backup plans. And I couldn't find the one that
I usually use. So I picked up one of the
other ones and I put it on my armpits, and
that's what I was putting it on. I was like, this,

(04:35):
this doesn't feel right.

Speaker 2 (04:36):
Was it mine?

Speaker 3 (04:37):
No, it wasn't. And then I found my regular deodorant.
Next day I was putting it on. I put it
back where it belonged. It probably took two or three days,
but I couldn't stop thinking about why that deodorant didn't
feel right. And yesterday morning, I was standing there brushing
my teeth and I looked over and I actually read
it right. I usually just look at colors and identify

(04:58):
brands objects, and I actually read at this time and
it is it's the anti chafing glide.

Speaker 2 (05:07):
Oh it's the stick you got from zach Rika.

Speaker 3 (05:10):
And also at the end of the day, I was like,
why do I smell so bad?

Speaker 2 (05:14):
That's fucking funny. Yeah that is funny. Yeah that is good.
That's so funny. You know. I actually am not ashamed
to admit this. I have become a dirty foot. Like
I find myself wearing shoes less and less, and I've
been going outside without my shoes on, which doesn't happen.
And I've also been wearing deodorant less and less because

(05:34):
of the chemicals that are in deodorant. And like, if
I'm not doing anything outside and I'm going to be
in the air conditioning all day, I'm not putting the
shit one. I just don't care. And in the event
that you were like, hey you stink, I'll just go
take a shower real quick because I'm home. It's not
a big deal, all right. So what do we got
going on today, babe?

Speaker 3 (05:49):
So I made a document, a PDF compiling of a
bunch of things. There's a bunch of bullet points for
us to talk about. So this is not going to
be where I'm just going to read something like an article.
We're going to read a bullet point. If we have
something to discuss, we can do so like we did yesterday,
and this is why people cheat, slash, why relationships fail? Okay,

(06:10):
and I felt this is a pretty good follow up
to the one that you did yesterday about identifying flirting
between the sexes. So I also broke this up between
men and women and how that looks between the genders
and all that stuff.

Speaker 2 (06:21):
I am already anticipating the hate that we're going to
get in the comments on TikTok.

Speaker 3 (06:25):
Oh. I know it's gonna be taken so personally.

Speaker 2 (06:27):
You know that we're legally not allowed to talk about
how much money we make on TikTok. Did you know that?
I did not know. They updated their terms of service
and if we were to disclose how much money we
make on TikTok, we could lose the creator program.

Speaker 3 (06:40):
That sounds illegal.

Speaker 2 (06:43):
I mean we have to agree to it in order
to use it, right. Well, it's no different than Twitter
now requiring IDs for the blue check mark. Yeah, like
they're collecting data on their users. That wasn't a thing
before anyways. I because of the allowance video and how
big that video blew up and how fast it blew up.
We almost doubled what made it on TikTok last month,
which is fucking great because our TikTok numbers have been garbage.

(07:06):
We've been making more money on YouTube than we have
on TikTok, and our YouTube numbers right we haven't even
going live like our YouTube numbers have been trash. Yeah,
so it is wild to see the jump like that. Anyways,
this is going to be a very interesting thing. It's
gonna piss off a lot of people because there's gonna
be people in the comments going there's no reasons for
people to cheat. That's never a thing. You can't make excuses.

(07:28):
You're justifying shitty behavior. That's how it's gonna go. Because
you're not allowed to have a conversation about things like
this right now. You just have to shun the behavior.

Speaker 3 (07:38):
So I put a lot of thought into this, and
it really blows my mind that people really only have
anger or joy towards the situation because they're emotionally tied
to the situation.

Speaker 2 (07:48):
Of course they are.

Speaker 3 (07:49):
Take a step back from the emotions and just hear
the perspective of it exactly.

Speaker 2 (07:55):
It's not hard to have a conversation. People are so
emotionally charged because they want to be right. I think
that's why yesterday, at the end of the episode that
we recorded yesterday, by the way, today's August third, keeping
up on that, we recorded last Friday's episode on yesterday
the second, but we put at the end of that
the last thing to have the conversation about politics on

(08:17):
your initial courting phase, like date nights, so that you
can learn your person because everything is so politically charged
that people just can't have conversations anymore. Yeah, could you?
I just don't get it. I made a post on
Facebook yesterday about all this, Like I love you guys,
like all of you, humanity as a whole. Like I've
become in a much more compassionate I realize that we

(08:39):
are all one and I love everyone, and I want
to have conversations that I want to understand and I
don't want to just argue with you, and like because
of that, my political leanings have changed a lot. A
lot has changed over the last six months with us,
a lot, a lot, But I don't I'm having people
in my real life that disagrees with my political views
even a little bit, and they won't talk to me
about it. I'm like, God, we are not going to

(09:01):
ever find common ground if we can't have a discussion.
I was like, we may not agree on the methods
on where we need to go, but if we have
the conversations, I'm willing to bet we agree on the outcome.
It's just a matter of how do we get there.
It's fucking crazy to.

Speaker 3 (09:16):
Me, It is absolutely insane, and our government takes advantage of.

Speaker 2 (09:19):
It absolutely because if they keep us divided, that keeps
them in power. If we didn't, if politicians actually did
their job or big Pharma actually did their job, we
wouldn't need politicians or big pharma. And that's the reality
of it. These people hold power by not getting shit
done and not doing what they're supposed to do. Yep,
and everyone knows it. We all know that. That's not

(09:40):
a secret. But as long as we're divided, nothing will change.
And that's the point of all of the division and
the stupidity that.

Speaker 3 (09:46):
Happens where we are too preoccupied or we're too comfortable, yeah, yep,
too busy hating each other.

Speaker 2 (09:52):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (09:53):
Well, also, why would we want to have an uprising
when we have the Internet and Netflix and ac and yeah,
if we go against our government. I feel like I'm
going to get shot for saying this. If we go
against our government, our lives are going to be harder.
Supply chains are going to die down, like life is
going to get tougher a bit. I don't think people

(10:14):
will want to tolerate that.

Speaker 2 (10:15):
Yeah, I think corporations would take over at that point
because it would see an opportunity for profit. Yeah, here's
the reality of it. Let's take taxes. For example, there
are three hundred and thirty million Americans in the United States.
There's less than one hundred thousand RS agents and grand
scale Like when you think about it, that's like, what
like three percent, Yeah, less than three percent. So if

(10:35):
we had half of the country go, you know what,
I'm just not going to pay taxes anymore. There's nothing
they could do about it, we would win that. But
as long as we're arguing over shit and we're being divided,
we can't come together to make that decision as a people.

Speaker 3 (10:48):
But we'd also have to well, yeah, finding new solutions
for it. I don't know. I think that a vast
majority of the population will choose laziness over all of that.

Speaker 2 (11:00):
Well, I mean, that's the ultimate form of laziness. Yeah,
not having to file your taxes that's a nightmare, especially
if you don't have an account and you've got to
do it all by yourself. Like you want to talk
about not doing something out of laziness, I'd love to
not file taxes out of laziness, Like that'd be great,
But it could be like that on a whole lot
of other factors. You know, if if everyone defied the law,

(11:23):
there would be no one to enforce it, right, and
they can't arrest all of us, right, Like, yeah, I
think about that shit a lot.

Speaker 3 (11:29):
Yeah, I agree with all of that. I feel like
my point's not being understood, though, what do you mean
that the people actually agree to do all of that
in the fight that comes afterward. I don't think people
are going to want to do that. They're going to
choose their comforts over the uprising.

Speaker 2 (11:44):
Right, I don't think there would be an uprising though.
If everybody just decided for the taxes thing to just
not pay it, there would be no uprising. The government
would be like, well, we can't enforce this. And if
you look at tax tax law and you understand tax
code tax it's unconstitutional. We're not like unless you're a
corp where you live in Washington, DC, You're not required
to pay your taxes. We voluntarily do that shit. And

(12:04):
there's actually a hot mic where a politician actually said
if the people ever realized that this was voluntary, they
would stop paying it, but there would be no uprising there.
I do understand what you're saying, though, in the event
where we went after the government, the fallout from that
would be massive. And it's why every time the conversation
of civil war war has come up, I'm like, that's
not the answer. I don't want to live without power
or fucking medical supply chain, you know what I mean like,

(12:27):
and that would be the first thing to collapse would
be our medical.

Speaker 3 (12:30):
You don't think they would call the army in the
militarian if we decided to stop doing things the government
wanted us to do.

Speaker 2 (12:36):
I think that that would violate the oath of the
people who are in uniform if they if they you know,
there's there's a whole lot of going against the American people.
And you got to think that all of those people
who are in uniform have family members here, you know
what I mean, Like, I just don't think that they
would be able to do that, calling the National Guard
in to stop riots, that's that's a violent action. That's

(12:57):
a different scenario. But you know, but also that speaks
to whether or not the protest are a peaceful protest.
That's why I said Gandhi's the most powerful person's ever lived.

Speaker 3 (13:05):
Right.

Speaker 2 (13:05):
He changed the course of history without lifting a finger,
which is fucking insane to me. But I do understand
what you're saying. I totally get what you're saying, and
I agree with you. I think the backlash on a
lot of that shit would be a lot, but it
would take all of us standing up versus factions of
people standing up. Right.

Speaker 3 (13:21):
Yeah, you ready to get into this?

Speaker 2 (13:23):
I am.

Speaker 3 (13:24):
So. I have this broken down into multiple sections. This
first part is quotes from people who have said this
in articles, interviews, whatever the case may be, about why
they chose to cheat in their relationship. So the first
half of this is going to kind of lean into

(13:44):
reasons why people cheat. It's not an excuse, but the
reasons that people feel like they were backed into that corner.
And then it transitions transitions into why relationships can fail
outside of the cheating aspect. Okay, so the first one
is I feel like a ghost in my own home.
I'd sit at the dinner table and feel more alone
than if I were physically by myself. I didn't cheat

(14:07):
because I stopped loving her. I cheated because I stopped
feeling like I existed to her. The other woman saw me,
and that's all it took.

Speaker 2 (14:13):
That's actually very true. Yeah, that that feeling like a
shell of a person, or that feeling alone in a group,
like a room full of people that are supposed to
love you like that, that's like true depression and there's
a lot of ugly that comes from that. I agree
with that. With my infidelity, that's that's pretty much what
started it.

Speaker 3 (14:31):
Yeah, but that the other woman saw me. There's a
difference between acknowledging my existence and actually seeing me and
what I'm going through, what I'm suffering with what I'm celebrating. Yep,
I'd sit at the dinner table and feel more alone
than if I were physically by myself. That screams roommate
phades to me. Yeah, lack of intimacy. We're not having
conversations beyond how was your day, what do you want

(14:54):
for dinner?

Speaker 2 (14:55):
Good night? Do you think there's a difference between the
roommate phase and a lack of intimacy. Do we need
to create a new I think we need to create
a new phase.

Speaker 3 (15:01):
Between lack of intimacy and the roommate phase.

Speaker 2 (15:03):
Yeah, because there's there's It's one thing to not have sex,
it's another to not have intimacy right like you can.
There are people in relationships who do the deed because
it's required. There's no engagement or excitement or emotions or intimacy.
It's just it's Wednesday night. We're scheduled to have sex
at seven pm. Let me go pop the sialis and

(15:25):
go do my thing or viagra or whatever it is
that you need for your to do the thing that
you hate with the person that you hate, You know
what I mean? Like, I think that there needs to
be there needs to be another phase invented.

Speaker 3 (15:37):
We should have some thought into that.

Speaker 2 (15:39):
We should. I concur doctor, I would rather live in
a roommate phase and a lack of intimacy phase because
I can have my needs fulfilled in a whole lot
of other ways other than sex. Don't get me wrong.
Sex is super fucking important. It's very important that we
know that there are couples out there who in their
relationships because sex matters that much to them, but the

(15:59):
intimate to me matters so much more. And if if
we had sex and it was just grudge fucking and
there was there was nothing behind it other than a
nut like, that's that's fine for a quickie on it,
you know, a Tuesday afternoon before going to the movies,
But that's not a a If that was an habitual
thing or a repetitive.

Speaker 3 (16:16):
Act, I'd be disgusted by it eventually.

Speaker 2 (16:18):
Right, I think you both would. Yeah, I think you
both would.

Speaker 3 (16:21):
Number two. I wanted to feel powerful again. I was
tired of being told what to do, how to act,
how to talk at home. I felt small. The affair
made me feel like I had agency again, like I
had control over something.

Speaker 2 (16:34):
I would see this becoming an issue more for men
than women.

Speaker 3 (16:39):
Because they need to feel like they crave that. I
want to be the leader, the provider.

Speaker 2 (16:43):
I do. I believe that. I think that. Well, let's
be real, nobody wants to be told what to do.
That's why we say that love makes requests, not demands.
We don't ever tell each other what to do. It's
always a request, and sometimes that request is Hey, can
you just real quick? Or I'm going to do this?
Can you do that? Might sound like I'm telling you
what to do, but there's always a question mark, like

(17:04):
there's no demands there. I don't want to be told
that I have to go do a fucking anything, but
that I felt small. The affair made me feel like
I had agency, like I had control over something. You
get those men who work sixty hours a week and
come home and don't know their children, they don't know
their wife when they walk in the door. There's a

(17:24):
honeydew list and nagging and complaining, and there's constant tension
in the home, and they don't feel connected in any way,
shape or form. Having somebody come through that smiles at them,
that lets them be themselves and allows them to like
plan a date or Hey I got you something today
and it's oh, thank you. Instead. I don't like that, right,
you know what I mean? It's not what I asked for. Yeah,

(17:46):
I can see how that would. I see how that
type of emotional infidelity would lead to actual physical cheating.

Speaker 3 (17:53):
I think that this I wanted to feel. I wanted
to have control over something.

Speaker 2 (17:58):
Again.

Speaker 3 (17:59):
For a women, looks like emotional cheating versus physical cheating.

Speaker 2 (18:05):
I agree with that. Yeah, I still think it would
lead to physical cheating, though.

Speaker 3 (18:09):
I agree to at some point everything takes the next step.

Speaker 2 (18:13):
What do you think is worse this cheating or emotional cheating?

Speaker 3 (18:16):
Emotional cheating?

Speaker 2 (18:17):
You know that most men disagree with that. Most men
feel like physical cheating is worse. And the reason I
say that is because in the event of infidelity, you
will say did you love her? And I will say
did you fuck them? Yeah? And that's that's actually a thing.
And you know it's crazy that that's the difference in
our brains.

Speaker 3 (18:32):
Yeah, I can't remember what I read. For men, that's
one of the most emotional connecting moments to have with
their women is during sex. It is, and for women
it's when we're able to have conversations about our emotions
and feel understood and all those kinds of things.

Speaker 2 (18:47):
I'm going to change the thought pattern on that. What
do you mean it's kind of the same thing for women.
You said that it's the conversations and all of the
things that go on in the day to day, the
emotional intimacy and the feeling desired and wanted and loved
and taking care of and protected. That's the thing that
does it for you guys and for us. You said

(19:09):
it was the sexual aspect, well, your mind right, right,
So the the giving you of all of those things
is what shows you that your mind and then the
sexual aspect solidifies it for the emotional right. So when
you do sleep with somebody else, I am no longer
feeling like I'm doing all of those things in the process,
and then you giving yourself to another person is where

(19:31):
that comes from. I believe that.

Speaker 3 (19:33):
I agree with that.

Speaker 2 (19:35):
I believe it. I believe, I believe.

Speaker 3 (19:37):
I believe number three. I thought I could get away
with it. Honestly, I didn't think i'd get caught. I
never planned to leave my wife. I just compart tomentalized.
Looking back, I was playing with fire just to feel alive.

Speaker 2 (19:50):
I think that ties into number one. Yeah, I agree.
I don't think that most most people do in fidelity
things they're gonna get caught. Everybody thinks they're slick, m
everyone thinks they're.

Speaker 3 (20:00):
The smartest person in the room.

Speaker 2 (20:01):
Right. And there's there's even a phrase that the heart
doesn't feel what the eyes don't see. If you've heard that,
it's the same thing it's it's in the same realm
of asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission.
But I think that that's the same thing nobody ever
thinks about them getting caught. I also don't think that
in the moment of passion, where you feel invigorated and

(20:22):
you feel desired and wanted and all of those things
that you haven't felt in your relationship is firing off
in your body, the last thing you're thinking about is
the fact that you've got another person.

Speaker 3 (20:32):
Yeah, I don't really have anything on that when that
kind of speaks for it, so I shall scroll number four.
She made me feel like a man again. My wife
and I hadn't been intimate in almost a year. I
felt invisible, just like the dad or a roommate when
someone else flirted with me. I was starved for it
and I ate it up.

Speaker 2 (20:49):
So, Yep, we've talked about that a lot. You've used
the desert analogy quite a bit with that.

Speaker 3 (20:53):
Yes, reading that I felt invisible, invisible like just the
dad or a roommate, that would crush me. If I
was no longer viewed as your wife and I was
just viewed as a mother to your children. That emotional
separation would be a very devastating blow. Why do you

(21:14):
think that happens in relationships? Yep, the children are prioritized
over the marriage. What else a lack of concern for
the needs of the spouse.

Speaker 2 (21:25):
I think a lot of it falls into routine. Yeah, right,
You wake up and do the same thing every day,
and you take you take things for granted, right, Like
if you have a man or a woman in the
house that makes really good money and you guys don't
have to look at your bank before filling your gas tankup,
or you can just go grocery shopping and spend whatever
you need to spend and it's not a big deal.
That becomes your normal. And for people that don't have that,

(21:47):
they look at the thing, holy shit, you can do that,
like they would. They would not take that for granted
at first, but over time that would become their life
and it would become normal for them. So for people
who have the routine of get up, good gym, go
to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed or
play video games, drink a beer, go to bed, whatever,
and there's not date nights, and there's not you know,

(22:08):
all of us sitting at the table as a family
and having conversations about things that's not work or chore related.
That routine is a destruction, like it kills things because
you're no longer living with intent. You're just going through
the motions because this is what your life is now.
And I think that that's one of those things that
can be really fucking avoided, but it takes a consistent
effort and situational awareness or self awareness as to what's

(22:32):
going on. If you feel I felt invisible, and just
like the data or a roommate, I'm willing to put
money on it that your partner does too. Yeah, because
you can't have one side without the other. Now, the
other person could be disgusted by you. You could be
you know, you might have halatosis now and they don't
want to kiss you. You could be three hundred pounds
heavier than you were when you dated. You could have

(22:54):
a lack of sex drive, you could have psoriasis. You
could have a whole lot of things going on that
your partner just unacceptable. And that's not saying that any
of these things make you unattractive. It could just make
you unattractive to them, and that could be a shitty
situation where your person's just not attracted to anymore, and
that's you know, that could create a wedge, But I'm
willing to bet the other is it's the routine. I

(23:15):
believe that too. It's why it's important to be like, hey,
I need a date night. Hey, I'm feeling a little
bit detached before it becomes hey I feel really detached. Yep,
real quick, I heard you take a deep breath, just
real quick. Okay, for you guys who are not in
our Patreon, you're missing a really good chat right now.
I keep looking over and there's great comments being stated.

(23:36):
What you are not changing your choosing. I fully believe
that somebody else said only sorry when they get caught
right Like, there's actual chats happening in here that our
fans or followers are actually going through and discussing. So
if you guys would like to be a part of
the chat, you need to be a part of the Discord.
You get into our Patreon community. Get into Discord. You
can watch all this shit live, all recording, and we

(23:57):
interact with you guys. We have a lot of private
live streams. We're gonna start watching movies with you guys
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doing live call soon. We're waiting on those those forms
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com forward slash to be better. Go check it out.

Speaker 3 (24:11):
Number five. I was lonely but too proud to admit it.
My husband worth late, I worked from home. We barely talked.
I never said I was lonely because I didn't want
to sound needy, so I started messaging someone online and
it got out of hand.

Speaker 2 (24:24):
I think that so far, this is the worst, the
most egregious of the things that we've read elaborate. My
husband worked late, I worked from home, and we barely talked.
My husband works all the time. I'm home all the time,
and I miss him and I'm lonely. And instead of
telling him that and reconnecting, you made a choice to

(24:45):
find an easier ploy. And this comes down to I
don't want to sound needy and I don't want to
sound like I'm nagging. Because the go to is, well,
you work so much and not I miss you. It's
a very different conversation. I think that that's the the
worst sin out of all of these so far, because
somebody is out there trying to kill themselves to make

(25:06):
sure that you can. From a man's perspective, our job
is to go out there and make money and try
to kill ourselves to provide a life for our family.
And while we're doing that, this is happening. Yeah. I
would view it the same way for military personnel.

Speaker 3 (25:18):
Oh, I agree one hundred percent. Yeah, I agree with
what you just said. Thank you for elaborating.

Speaker 2 (25:23):
You're welcome.

Speaker 3 (25:24):
Number six. I wanted to hurt her the way she
hurt me. She cheated first. I forgave her, or I
thought I did, but I had all this resentment building up.
When the opportunity came, I took it. It wasn't love,
it was revenge. I think that if you are the
person who was cheated on in a relationship and you

(25:45):
cannot move past it, and you're building up resentment and
you feel like you need to get revenge, you need
to end the relationship.

Speaker 2 (25:50):
Do you think that the eye for an eye thing
is ever acceptable in a situation.

Speaker 3 (25:53):
Like this, In a situation like this with cheating, Yeah no.

Speaker 2 (25:56):
Why Because you're reading these things and I try to
put myself in other people's shoes, and in this situation
like there would be like an eye for an eye
thing like you did it, I did it where even
now you know that it hurts because he did it
because he wanted hurt to hurt. So in that situation,

(26:17):
like you now know what it feels like to be
on the opposite end of this, we need to cut
the shit out and fix our marriage. That was where
my brain went right away, because that it's like that
song hurt people, hurt people. You know what I mean,
I love you? What is that? I'm sorry, I forgive you,
I love you, thank you. That's one of those things that,

(26:38):
like they say in that song that that when I
was hurt the most, I wanted others to feel how
I felt. That I think that that's the thing for
a lot of people. I don't think that it's right
by any means. I do think that in a situation
where both people have done that to each other, at
least there's a common ground for healing because there is

(26:58):
an understanding of what both people went through. But I
also think that surface level because when you really think
as to why the cheating happened from the first person,
it could be very different, you know what I mean,
Like it could be the work thing. It could be
that I was not you know, you're not in love
with the person anymore. It could be it could be
a whole lot of things. Maybe that's just the type
of person you know. Right.

Speaker 3 (27:19):
Next one is it was a trauma response, not love.
I've been sexually abused in my past, and I never
really felt safe and intimacy my partner got too close,
I panicked. Cheating helped me feel in control of something,
even if it destroyed us.

Speaker 2 (27:34):
I think that I take back what I said about
five being the worst. This would be the worst because
you knew that you were abused in your past, and
you've been nothing in terms of your mental health to
take care of this, and you just destroyed another person
because of it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (27:46):
You chose to entertain somebody, Yeah, and when it got
too far for you, you hurt them.

Speaker 2 (27:52):
Yeah. I think. I think conversations when you've been abused
like that in the past need to have be had,
you know, before, like before you move in, Like, those
conversations need to be had, especially if that abuse leads
to promiscuity or if it leads to I don't want
to say unhealthy sexual behavior because I don't mean it

(28:13):
that way. I just don't have a better word for
it right now. Risky sexual behavior. Some people that have
been abused have weird kinks. Weird is probably not the word.
I don't think it's weird. I understand intense. We'll go
with intense. Intense kinks. We can go with that. That's
way better than weird. And I agree that I agree
with that that was a much better verbiage. I like

(28:33):
that it makes me feel less bad saane intense versus weird,
because that was actually making me uncomfortable. But I think
that those are conversations that need to be had before
moving in. Right, If you have those intense kinks and
you need that fulfillment from your partner because you have
unhealed trauma, at least they know where they're at and
they know about the trauma and they can try to

(28:54):
guide or help you through whatever you need to go through.

Speaker 3 (28:57):
It wasn't planned, but I didn't stop it either. We
were drunk. We flirted. One thing led to another. I
wish I could say I didn't know what I was doing,
but I did. I just didn't want to deal with
my problems at home.

Speaker 2 (29:09):
You can remove drunk from that. Yeah, that's one of
those things that in the moment where where that that
fire is ignited, and it's been so gone for so long,
I can see that being the thing. And I was
writing what I said. They weren't thinking about the other person.
They were thinking about them right Their needed not being met. Yep.

Speaker 3 (29:29):
Next one is I had convinced myself I deserved it.
I had been the good guy for years, provided stayed faithful,
took care of everything. I started resenting how little appreciation
I got.

Speaker 2 (29:42):
Cooke, You just you guys can't see what's happening. But
I scrolled too far and the appreciate, the appreciation I
got wasn't seen. And then it scrolled all the way
off the top of the screen and she was able
to catch it and keep reading.

Speaker 3 (29:56):
Yeah, Jesus, sweet suffering Jesus. That turned to entitlement. So
I cheated and told myself I earned it. That's fucked up.

Speaker 2 (30:09):
I want to reread that just because I interrupted you.
I had been the good guy for years, provided stayed
faithful and took care of everything. I started resenting how
how little appreciation I got. That turned into entitlement. So
I cheated and told myself I earned it. That that's
the importance of gratitude. This is like you said earlier,
there's a difference between like seeing somebody and not seeing somebody,

(30:31):
Like truly being seen by your partner matters. Yea, you know,
you guys just being roommates and knowing each other and
going through the motions versus truly seeing your person, Like
we went through a whole thing that first ceremony. Like
I'm not gonna cry, but that was the thing. It's different.

(30:51):
It's so fucking different to truly be seen by your person.
But that gratitude goes a long way if your person
does the things that they're doing day to day and
you take it for granted and you don't tell them.
I appreciate you going to work. I appreciate you taking
care of the kids. I appreciate you taking out the trash.
I appreciate that I haven't had to wash my underwear
in the last six years because you've done it for me.
Like that, gratitude goes a long fucking way. And letting

(31:14):
your person know that they're valued. It doesn't. Now again,
this whole thing, like how little appreciation they got turned
into entitlement. I think it turns into resentment more than entitlement,
and you're doing this out of fuck you to them
because they're tired of being seen or not being seen.
But we've really talked a lot about the importance of gratitude,

(31:35):
Like that's been a really big discussion on this podcast,
and it's not just been year one, like it's been
a consistent theme.

Speaker 3 (31:41):
Yes, anterior adjustment.

Speaker 2 (31:44):
Okay, bandit gaming said, not being seen by your person
is harder than most people think. It really fucking is
it really really is?

Speaker 3 (31:53):
Okay, for the next.

Speaker 2 (31:54):
One, I am how many of these are on here?

Speaker 3 (31:57):
We can do a lot. We can do number ten
to move on to the next.

Speaker 2 (32:00):
Well, would you do all of them? I just wasn't
sure because I feel like we're moving very quick.

Speaker 3 (32:04):
But there's twenty pages here.

Speaker 2 (32:05):
Oh okay, dope, Yeah, I didn't know because I haven't
even looked at this yet.

Speaker 3 (32:09):
So yeah, next one is I never learned how to
sit with discomfort. Every time there was tension in our marriage,
I shut down. So when someone else gave me attention,
it felt easier. No work, no history, just ease. I
wasn't running to them, I was running from conflict.

Speaker 2 (32:25):
That's that's that's a trauma response. Yeah, I believe that
whole thing is a trauma response. This, This is why
you need to do the work in between relationships as well. Yes,
I agree. I don't have anything on that one. I
just think that's fucked up.

Speaker 3 (32:41):
I agree that that was a trauma response. That is,
I never learned how to sit down with discomfort. Nobody
likes feeling uncomfortable and filling yourself with distractions to get
away from that. Discomfort is going to ruin your life.
That's why people become drug addicts, escapism, yeah, alcoholics, workaholics,

(33:04):
living paycheck to paycheck, maybe spending too much money on
things they don't need because that's filling their cup and
they don't have to worry about their problems. Some people
become hoarders.

Speaker 2 (33:12):
Yeah. Yeah, I got through a whole lot of my
problems by doing psychedelics. And like, I know that that's
I know that we talk about that on this podcast
quite a bit. But like, if you live somewhere where
you can do psychedelic assistant therapy and number ten is
you that you don't know how to sit with discomfort,
having a guided therapy session while you're in the medicine,
Like it's life changing. Yes, and it doesn't take much.

(33:34):
You can do a single session and get life changing
things from it. There are people that need to do
multiple you know, we've done multiple ceremonies, but it's you know,
there are places in Oregon, Colorado. I believe California has
now legalized mushrooms as well. And depending on where you live.
You live in Australia, you know it's psychedelics. Psilocybin is

(33:55):
legal in Australia too. Germany just passed it. Like there's
a lot of countries that are moving into plant medicine
because it's so fucking effective.

Speaker 3 (34:02):
What the hell is America doing?

Speaker 2 (34:04):
Well, they're working on it. I think that. So I
follow a lot of I don't. I'm not a big
cannabis person. I'm really not. I understand the need for it,
mainly because we live together and like we both have
our medical cards, but you actually partake, and I don't.
I see the difference in you when you're smoking when
you're not, or when you're having a bad day, how
it resets you. There's definitely a place for cannabis and

(34:26):
plant medicines. I don't believe. I understand tobacco is a
plant medicine. I don't view it that way because it's
abuse so poorly or so badly here in the United States,
well all over the world for that matter. But I
follow all of that shit, and I believe that cannabis
will be rescheduled to a Class three before Trump leaves office.

(34:46):
I would not be shocked if we don't see a
major change by the end of this year with cannabis
and the new CIA director and somebody else that's in
Trump's administration. It might be RFK are very big on
psychedelic therapies, so they've opened up a whole lot of
new doors for places, big places to be able to
test it. And I would not be surprised if we

(35:11):
didn't see a rescheduling of at least psilocybin before the
end of Trump's administration as well, because if it could
be prescribed and be done in a holistic setting where
there are actual people guiding and healing and therapy and
integration afterwards, I don't think that it would be abused
as a drug. There will be people that always abuse drugs,
but I think it's less likely to abuse psychedelics because

(35:33):
it's not an addictive substance. But for people who have
major trauma. I don't know why I went on this tangent.
I think it was because of the discomfort thing. I
think that matters. So if you guys live somewhere where
you have access to psychedelic therapy and you live with
the discomforts situation, it might be something to look into

(35:53):
with your healthcare providers.

Speaker 3 (35:55):
Next one is I thought if I sabotaged it, I
wouldn't have to end it.

Speaker 2 (36:00):
So that's I want them to break up with me
so I'm not the bad guy. Yeah, jokes on you.
You're the bad guy for cheating or bad woman for cheating. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (36:07):
I didn't know how to break up with my girlfriend.
I was too afraid to hurt her or admit I
wanted out, so I cheated, hoping that she'd find out
she did. It was awful. I hate how cowardly that was. Yeah,
definitely a big learning lesson. Oh gosh, I would be
hurt a whole lot less if I was just broken
up with versus being cheated on finding out about it.

Speaker 2 (36:29):
That's one of those things that if you really want
out that bad, just leave. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (36:35):
I if somebody told me that, my first I would
be you plussy.

Speaker 2 (36:40):
Yeah. You know, there's a whole lot of people out
there though, that are not willing to leave because they
don't want to destroy their life, and they're doing all
of these other things for all of their other reasons,
because leaving becomes too much of a burden, whether your
life is too enmeshed, businesses, kids like you, people have.
Everybody that watch these tiktoks are going to be like,

(37:01):
there's never an excuse, blah blah blah. The reality is
seventy percent of relationships have infidelity in them. Yes, fifty
percent have physical infidelity. The other twenty percent is emotional.
So seventy percent of relationships have some form of infidelity
happening in them, which means at least everyone on the
planet at least knows somebody who's been who's cheated. Yeah, right,
Like it's just not possible. Seven out of ten people.

(37:24):
It's a lot when you think about it.

Speaker 3 (37:26):
Next one, I needed to prove I was still desirable.
I was aging, gaining weight. My husband didn't notice me anymore.
When someone else did, it was like I came back
to life. It wasn't about love or leaving. It was
about ego and fear.

Speaker 2 (37:40):
It's rough.

Speaker 3 (37:41):
So the next part is behaviors that can push your
partners away. This is meant to kind of help you, guys,
become more self aware of what you're doing within your
relationships or the toxic behaviors that you may have within
yourself that you may not recognize is contributing to the
downfall of your relationship.

Speaker 2 (37:59):
Okay, so we're moving away from cheating it into other right.

Speaker 3 (38:02):
So this is so what could lead to somebody no
longer wanting to be in a relationship or trying to
sabotage the relationship to make you leave them, whatever the
case may be. So this one starts with women, and
the first one is constant criticism or correction. And some
examples are why can't you ever load the dishwasher?

Speaker 2 (38:19):
Right?

Speaker 3 (38:20):
You are correcting how he talks, how he drives, or
how he does chores. And often it's front what.

Speaker 2 (38:27):
Can we can we play a game with this? Okay? Yeah?
Can do you have examples like that all the way down?
I do? Okay, I'm going to give you the correct
way to say it. Okay, I don't know what they are,
so I have to figured out on the spot. Yeah,
this would be fun for me on the dishwasher, Why
can't you ever load the dishwasher right? Instead of that
being the statement that's made because that's never is being

(38:47):
used or ever whatever, you never, why can't you ever?
It's still a definitive. It's an attack. The proper way
to say that is, Hey, I really appreciate you doing
the dishes and loading the dishwasher. However, are dishwasher sucks ass?
And if the cups aren't in the right way, they
don't get cleaned properly and I have to go back
and rewash them. So when you do the dishes, instead

(39:08):
of loading them cups up, can you put them upside down?
Or can you organize it the way that this does?
Because dishes get cleaned easier and then I don't have
to go back and do it again. It makes my
life way easy. I would really appreciate it, not an attack.
I thanked you for what you did. Ye, I explain
why it's a problem, and then I showed you the
way that I would like it done so that my
life is easier because of it. Very good go Chris.

Speaker 3 (39:30):
Next one is withholding affection or intimacy, refusing to hug, kiss,
or be intimate for long periods of time as a punishment,
and physical touch becomes transactional. Maybe if you helped around
the house, I'd be in the mood.

Speaker 2 (39:45):
Oh, that's gonna be hard. I feel like our workloads
are uneven. I don't feel seen or appreciated for the
things that I do in the house, and because of that,
it's starting to build resentment and it's destroying my intimacy.
That a good way about that. I would I really
appreciate it if you just gave me a little bit
of extra help and doing so, I would have a

(40:06):
little bit more time to relax and decompress. I would
feel seen, especially with the gratitude for all the work
that I do, and that would bring my intimacy levels
back up. That's good. Okay, I want to add one
in there.

Speaker 3 (40:17):
Okay, I would have said, this is fun. I need
help around the house. I am so focused on daily
tasks that I feel like I don't have enough brain
power to.

Speaker 2 (40:27):
Think about intimacy. There you go, this is fun. Yeah, okay,
all right.

Speaker 3 (40:32):
Next one is comparing him to other men. Jen's husband
just booked them a trip. Must be nice. Says things like,
maybe if you were more like ex brother, friend, etc.

Speaker 2 (40:45):
Oh, not me getting mad and I'm not even in
a situation like, damn, don't do that. Yeah, that's never
an acceptable thing. Never fucking compare your relationship to other people's. Yes,
especially when you isolate the person that you're with from
the marriage, because in this situation, it's maybe if you
were more like so and so, not if our marriage
was more like so and so's, which makes it even

(41:06):
fucking worse. Yeah, So how about I'm seeing other people
taking trips and doing things with their lives and I
crave adventure. Can we start maybe planning at least a
yearly vacation somewhere. I feel like my cup is drained.
I feel like I'm the eternal mother. I feel like
I'm nothing more than the guy that goes to work
every day and comes home and gives up my paycheck.

(41:27):
And you know, I'm miserable and you're miserable, and we
haven't had like real excitement in a long time, and
seeing other people do those things makes me realize how
much I miss it. That's how that should be presented.

Speaker 3 (41:40):
It's good next speaking disrespectfully in public or private, rolling eyes,
cutting him off mid sentence, and mocking his ideas, talking
to him like he has one of the kids. I
guess I have to do everything myself again.

Speaker 2 (41:59):
I'm actually getting bothered by this.

Speaker 3 (42:00):
I know, I know, I can tell.

Speaker 2 (42:04):
I don't like it when people do that shit in public,
even if I don't know them. Seeing people being disrespectful
to each other in public drives me fucking nuts.

Speaker 3 (42:11):
There's a humiliation factor there.

Speaker 2 (42:13):
Too, absolutely, But I know how much worse it is
behind closed doors, because if you view that behavior as
acceptable in public, I can only imagine how worse it
is behind closed doors. Yeah, fuck me, I guess I
have to do everything myself again.

Speaker 3 (42:26):
Is it still fun for you?

Speaker 2 (42:27):
This one's hard, okay, because I don't know what it
is that they're complaining about. But I guess this comes
back to the last thing that I stated. I feel
like I'm I'm I feel like I'm carrying too much
of the load right now. I understand that you work,
and I'm very grateful that you do the things that
you do, and you pay the bills, and you know,
you make our life flow, and I'm grateful. I'm so
fucking grateful for it. But I'm so burnt out. I

(42:49):
need a break. I need you to just help me
pick up a little bit more than what you're doing.
I know that it's going to stress you out for
a while, but if you give me a couple of
months to recharge my batteries, like, I'll be good to
go again. But right now I'm just I'm not there.
That would be my I I don't know, but this
sounds like this is a fight before it even got
to that point.

Speaker 3 (43:06):
Yeah, trying to control or quote unquote fix him, making
decisions for him without asking, policing how he dressed, speaks
or in her acts. Don't ever wear that it's embarrassing.

Speaker 2 (43:20):
Okay, so that's an easy one, because this is you're
you're you're going from attacking his style to you're going
to switch it into an opportunity to lift him up
or her up for that matter. You know, this could
be from either either point. But the way that I
would handle that is, I know that that's super comfortable
for you, and it looks great around the house. But

(43:41):
we're going to go out and I would love to
see you and you know, my favorite pair of pants
on you or wear your snake skin boots or whatever
it is that you want them to change, you give
them a compliment with the other thing that you're trying
to get them into. Yes, it's almost manipulative, but you're
you're getting them to change without hurting their feelings and
you're not shitting on them for the things that's comfortable.
Like I'm wearing hair and pants almost exclusively now, and

(44:03):
if you were, like, it's so embarrassing seeing you out
in the pants out and then public like that, it
would crush me because I'm comfortable and I like the
way I look. So for somebody who is comfortable in
that outfit, maybe they're wearing fucking polka dots and stripes
at the same time, you know what I mean? Or like,
what is it a purple tie with green socks? Something
that was that you weren't supposed to do in the light.
I don't know idea, but you know, it could be

(44:24):
one of those things and it just bothers the other person.
But you can give a compliment and get them to
change their clothes when you go out and then just
let them be themselves. Otherwise, let's let's let's dress up
tonight and be someone where not for the next eight hours.
Like it doesn't have to be it's embarrassing because you're
shitting on your person. At that point, that judgment changes
a person. It makes them not want to be themselves.

(44:44):
And when people constantly cave and give to match the
other person's once you lose all of your identity at
that point, that's how the shell of a person happens,
which gets you all the way back to a couple
of these other ones. At the beginning of the list
that you were reading, I think it was one, one
to three and five. I think so, yeah, yep.

Speaker 3 (45:03):
Next is using sex as a weapon, shutting down all
intimacy after an argument with no plan to reconnect, expecting
him to earn affection back. So this one doesn't have
a verbal example, but I feel like those are self explanatory.

Speaker 2 (45:19):
I think shutting down intimacy after an argument is weaponizing
like like it says, I think that that's you are.
You are turning yourself into a whore because you are
using sex as a transactional object. At that point, it
is no longer about intimacy. It is absolutely about the
act of having a nut. Yeah. Yeah. I think that

(45:43):
women who sexualize or who weaponize sex like that have
have become unpaid prostitutes. They're trading sex for the act
of something that they want done. It does make it transactional,
and you are no longer in love with your person.
There is no intimacy in the moment.

Speaker 3 (45:57):
I agree.

Speaker 2 (45:59):
I agree.

Speaker 3 (46:00):
Next one is emotional shut down, saying I'm fine, but
offering cold treatments for days, refusing to talk about problems,
even after being asked multiple times, I.

Speaker 2 (46:10):
Ain't doing that. I know we ain't doing that. Here,
you get two, maybe threes, maybe three of the I
can tell something's up. Would you like to talk about it? Yeah?
First time I ask? If I get a hey, I'm
not ready to talk about it, but we'll talk about
it when we're ready. I'll be like, did I do
something wrong? And if so, can I Is there something
I can start doing right now to start repairing things

(46:32):
while you figure things out? Or is there something I
need to not do moving forward? And then we can
discuss it whatever later. At least there's some sort of
data given that lets me know I'm either in the
wrong or it wasn't me right. I'm fine, you're clearly not.
I can tell by your tone. I'll ask again in
another hour, and if you're not ready to talk about it.
Maybe I'll ask tomorrow morning if we're STI getting the

(46:53):
cold treatment. But at that point, once that third time
has happened, I'm gonna be like, I've asked you three
times now to talk to me about what's going on.
You have not told me anything other than you're fine.
So if you try to bring this up later, just
know that I've tried to have this conversation with you
and you shut me Down'm a return in that favor.
It's petty as fuck, and it is absolutely matching behavior,
and it's toxic. And that's one of the few times

(47:14):
in life that I'm okay with it. Yeah, because I've
tried multiple times and all you've had to say is yes,
there's something wrong. I will absolutely talk to you about
it when I'm ready, but right now I'm not ready
to process it. And then you need to dial down
that temperature from a cold thirty two degrees back up
to somewhat of a bearable temperature while we're living and
cohabitating together while you figure your shit out. Yep.

Speaker 3 (47:35):
Next one, neglecting praise or affirmation, ignoring his efforts mowing
the lawn, taking care of the car, and fixing things,
never saying thank you, I appreciate you, or I'm proud
of you.

Speaker 2 (47:47):
Yep, this one's the gratitude thing. We've hit this one
really hard the entire time, So I think we can
scroll pass unless you have something specific you want to
hit on.

Speaker 3 (47:54):
No, okay, So this is what men can do with
examples that can push away their partner, back them into
the corner, help them rationalize cheating for whatever the case
may be. The first one is emotional disengagement, responding with grunts,
I don't know or whatever when she brings up emotional needs,

(48:15):
zoning out on the phone or the TV during conversations.

Speaker 2 (48:19):
Okay, you said that this is when she brings up
emotional needs that I don't know or whatever. I don't
know in whatever, two very different things. Whatever is very dismissive. Yes,
and I don't know could lead to more conversation, So
I would want to know where that I don't know
what would become a problematic if she's bringing up her

(48:41):
emotional needs and it's just one of those things where
she's just unloaded her heart and he's like, yeah, I
don't know's that's dismissive as well. I don't know. I
guess this one is one that I don't I don't
understand where we're going. I definitely understand the zoning out
on the phone or TV during conversations because there's a
disconnect there and you're not listening. Is this about not
validating somebody?

Speaker 3 (49:01):
Yeah, so disengaging from the conversations. So I've been hit
with that. I don't know. And when I've had conversations
about my emotions with past partners and I was hit
with that, I don't know. It's me asking a question
like are you comprehending what I'm trying to lay out
right now? Like what I just said, did that make
sense to you? I don't know, Like totally not paying attention,

(49:24):
disassociating yea, having default responses.

Speaker 2 (49:29):
Yeah yeah, in that situation, I can tell by the
voice that you made who that was and that dude
was dumb. Yeah, So like I can totally see that
being a thing. I want to because I said validation,
validation is not ownership. And the reason I say that
is because if I have to validate something that you're
feeling in the moment, even if I did it, me

(49:51):
validating your feelings is not owning the shit that I did.
It's not saying that you're right and I'm wrong. It's
just validating that you're feeling what you're feeling, that you're
aware of it. It must really suck to feel that way.
I can see that you're hurting right now, and I'm
sorry that you're hurting. That validation lets people know that
you're picking up on the emotional aspect of what's happening.

(50:12):
It's not an omission of guilt, and people need to
make sure that they understand that it's not the same
and there needs to be repair that happens beyond the
validation and not just you know, I'm sorry I hurt you, right,
because that's passive. I actually think that's a passive aggressive
way in a conversation. Yeah. Yeah, I think there needs
to be more to that than I'm sorry I hurt you. Okay.

Speaker 3 (50:34):
Next one is flirting or inappropriate behavior with other women,
texting female coworkers late at night with jokes or emojis,
saying things like it's harmless. She knows I'm married.

Speaker 2 (50:44):
How do you feel about that? All of that, all
of it.

Speaker 3 (50:47):
That, if it did not stop, would would probably ruin
our marriage.

Speaker 2 (50:52):
Now I would, Yeah, I feel the same way if
you were working back at the tattoo shop and as
as an owner of the shop. Now, if you were
to be texting one of the male co workers after
hours about anything other than scheduling or work, I'd have
a fucking problem with that. Yeah, you're off work. You
can't do that ship while you're at work and you're

(51:13):
on their schedule, Like you're home with us now, your
workshit can wait. Yeah, if it was a girl at
work and you guys were talking about going going and
doing something or making friendship, I would view that very differently.
But I think that men in that cross gender messaging
there's there's intent behind it, right, you know, if you're
home and you're you're there, like that should be the focus.

(51:36):
When it comes to the opposite sex, well, I mean,
I guess it works the same way if you're in
a same sex marriage. It would however that looks for you, right,
that would be a problem for me. I agree. I agree,
it's harmless. She knows I'm married too. I think is
a very dismissive thing. And this is something that literally
everyone has said, everyone has has justified a friendship by

(51:59):
something like that. This is the validating and not dismissing
what your partner's feeling. And this is hard, especially if
you enjoy the friendship that you're getting from these people.
You don't want to end that friendship. You can distance
yourself and still be quote unquote friends, but you don't
have to engage with them every single day. You can
distance yourself to give your partner the peace of mind

(52:19):
that they need to let them know that you're not
doing foul shit. And the more you distance yourself, the
less likely that there will be emotional cheating or foul
shit happening. I agree.

Speaker 3 (52:31):
Next one is taking her for granted, never acknowledging daily efforts, cooking, parenting, cleaning,
emotional support, and expecting everything to just get done without
of thanks.

Speaker 2 (52:41):
I think that goes to both yah, both both aspects
him and her. I think taking them for granted would
have been a better way to word that.

Speaker 3 (52:50):
Yeah, this isn't just specified for both either gender. It's
just kind of like a rough outline to pay attention to.

Speaker 2 (52:57):
Yeah, And I only say that. I say that more
because of me, because I I overlook thing sometimes when
I'm hyper focused on shit. Walk past you the other
day while you were waiting on me to come do something.
And again we talked about this last night. You were like, hey,
are you coming? I was like, wait, where did I
walk by you? And You're like, yeah, well fuck like
I was, but I was so into what I was

(53:17):
doing in the moment that I was oblivious at everything
else that's going to happen across the board. The other
part of this is is what we talked about earlier,
not seeing your person.

Speaker 3 (53:27):
Next one yes and validating feelings. You're being too sensitive.
You are always mad about something.

Speaker 2 (53:33):
Oh, this is gonna open a can of worms.

Speaker 3 (53:36):
This is this is like a two sided coin for me.
Same because this can be said as manipulative and being
really shitty, this can also be factual.

Speaker 2 (53:45):
Right, And that's that's why I was like, it's gonna
open a can of worms. Yeah, So you're being too
sensitive means I don't. I don't feel the way you feel.
You could be an overly sensitive person. That's a thing
for a lot of people. You might be an underly
sensitive person and then nothing gets to you. And if
you have those two people living in a house, there's
always going to be one person that's sick of the

(54:05):
overly sensitive shit. This is where compassion comes into play. Yes,
but you need to be able to say, like, hey,
right now, you're overreacting to the situation, or I don't
understand why you're reacting the way you are to the situation.
I don't see this as a big deal. It's still dismissive.
This is one of the hardest things in a relationship
to navigate because if one person doesn't understand and the

(54:26):
other person is going through something, the person that doesn't
understand is going to seem insensitive no matter what, because
even if they try to validate and they don't understand it,
it's going to seem like lip service. We want our
people to feel what we're feeling and to go through
what we're going through because we're doing this together, right.
I also can see on the other side of that coin,

(54:46):
when you have those overly sensitive people who are either
overly emotional, always crying about shit, or somebody who's always
mad about something, which was the second point of this.
People don't want to live with people like that. You
don't want your piece to be constantly disrupted. If you've
got a beautiful landscape and somebody's constantly throwing boulders in
your water creating wake, Like at some point you're like,
I'm gonna go look at a different lake because this

(55:07):
is distracting and ugly to me, and I don't like this. Yep. Yeah,
that's that's a rough one, that that would be. That
could be a whole podcast all on its own. Yeah,
I really don't like that. Yeah, I don't like I
personally don't like overly sensitive people. If you can't control
your emotions and regulate yourself, that's a fucking problem for me.

(55:29):
So if you are in a relationship with somebody that
you view as always sensitive, maybe when they're not an
emotional mess, you need to have a conversation about learning
to regulate their emotions and help them with that. But
if you've had those conversations and it's constantly a fucking problem, Like,
I can see how that would end. I could see
how that would lead to cheating. I can see how
that could Like, that's a fucking problem. Yeah, if you

(55:50):
have a man that's constantly punching holes in the wall
and kicking tables over and fucking constantly being an emotional wreck,
it's no different. You're still having your life disrupted by bullshit.

Speaker 3 (56:00):
Right, not contributing at home, refusing to help with kids
or housework, then complaining she's never in the mood, spending
weekends on the couch while she runs the house.

Speaker 2 (56:11):
I don't this is gonna be This is one of
those things that's gonna make me look like a piece
of shit. You want to go to the next one, No,
I'll look like a piece of shit. I guess this
is just gonna hope. Maybe I won't post this a
TikTok when it happens, because this is gonna get taken
totally out of context. Yeah, refusing to help with kids
or housework, it's your responsibility to raise your children. That's
not helping with the kids. That's being a parent. If

(56:33):
your woman wants to go out, it's not your turn
to babysit your children, right like, it's parenting. I have
a whole lot that I can say about that. But
complaining that she's never in the mood that has nothing
to do with the housework or the kids, that's your
lack of intimacy. Because if your intimacy was right set
up for this, your intimacy wasn't fucked up, and you
were beating the brakes off of it. And everything was

(56:55):
fulfilled and dates were happening, and romance was still there
and it was new again. There would be no complaining
about the kids or housework. You can do a whole
lot of shit when you're fulfilled and not complain about it. Yeah,
there are people who work themselves to death and still
have a very successful marriage and do all the shit
in the marriage that normal people do because they're fulfilled
in their marriage. This is I'm not seen. I'm tired

(57:18):
of the fucking. The kids are a lot. Sex isn't happening,
and when I want it, it's not happening, and how
I want it. There's no longer you know, the excitement
of text messages while we're at working away from each other.
There's no longer I miss you. I'm looking at the
clock knowing you're gonna get a home in a half hour.
I'm getting mad about it because I'd rather be home
by myself than have you as a body on the

(57:38):
couch watching me do shit. There's a whole lot that
goes into that which makes somebody never in the mood,
and it comes down to resentment. I think that surface
level shit, and I think that if the intimacy was right,
that wouldn't matter.

Speaker 3 (57:50):
I disagree with that.

Speaker 2 (57:51):
Really, why is that?

Speaker 3 (57:54):
Because if they're still intimacy, but I'm still drowning in
housework and I feel like I'm the only one pay
ranting the kids, that's not enough.

Speaker 2 (58:02):
That's where we differ. Maybe maybe this is a man
versus woman thing because I could do all of the
things that are done in the house, and I could
stay on top of it, and as long as my
like love meter is being filled while doing it, it's
not gonna affect me. I have no problem taking on
more and more work until I've got nothing going on,

(58:23):
and that's all I do. As long as I get
a little bit of time to make my make sure
that my my tank is on F and not on E,
I'm golden. Maybe that's the difference between men and women.
Maybe the spending weekends on the couch while she runs
the house. I think this. I think that there's ways
around that. I think that if she did everything that
she needed to do during the week, the weekends can wait.

Speaker 3 (58:44):
M h.

Speaker 2 (58:45):
I agree. I think that's poor time management, and that's
that's why I was like, I'm gonna hate on for this. Yeah,
if it's her job to run the house, and it's
his job to go to work, and he's working forty
fifty sixty hours a week and she's coming home. He's
coming home and she's getting mad that he's not doing
shit in the house. He's already done his job. Job.
If you're a stay at home in the house, is
your job. It's not my fucking responsibility to step in
and do the shit for you. Raising the kids is

(59:06):
a different conversation. Doing the housework is not the same thing.
If my job is to go out and dig ditches
all day, you don't come to work with me on
Monday and dig ditches. Or if I've got to go
to work on Saturday, you're not coming with me to
dig ditches. That's my job for us. My job is
editing and making sure that the back end of all
of this is working. I don't ever ask you to
do any of that shit because it's my job, just
like you don't ever ask me to do the dishes.

(59:27):
That's your job. This comes down to making sure that
you time manage effectively, make sure that you get your
shit done, and learn to fucking relax a little bit.
Your house being dirty for the weekends and not the
end of the fucking world. Unless you've got like dirty
diapers laying all over the place because you're too lazy
to get off the fucking couch and throw the diaper
away after you change a child, that's a problem. Or

(59:47):
if there's dirty bowls of spaghettios stuck all over the
place because the kids aren't putting it in the sink
and you're not paying attention, that's a problem. But all
of that other shit could be resolved and be resolved
by making sure that you're making sure that your kids
are doing what they need to be doing. I think
that so that that's spending time on the weekends. You
guys should be taking the weekends off. Let the fucking

(01:00:09):
house get dirty. You gotta clean it Monday anyways, Right,
Let's let this motherfucker be dirty. Let's go somewhere. Let's
let's take the kids to grandparents and drop them off
and go go do something this weekend. Well, dirty up
the hotel room instead of the house, and that shit
can wait until we get till we come home. Let's
not go anywhere and binge Netflix together because I haven't

(01:00:32):
seen you all week, right, Like I don't know, I
really have a problem with the last one.

Speaker 3 (01:00:37):
Okay, next one is avoiding difficult conversations, walking away during arguments,
or refusing to talk about long standing problems with let's
not get into this right now.

Speaker 2 (01:00:48):
So this is this is one of those double sided coins. Also,
walking away during an argument looks like two different things.
One is literally just walking away from an argument and
never resolving anything, and the other one is I'm really
angry right now and I need to cool off. I'm
gonna take a break. We're gonna go for a walk
of me back in thirty minutes. So how that looks matters.
The second part of this reviewsing to talk about long
standing problems with let's not get into this right now.

(01:01:10):
This is that everything is going good right now. Why
are you bringing this back up? The why are they're
bringing this backup is because the last time they tried
to get it brought up, it wasn't resolved and they're
holding on to unresolved bullshit because you're not willing to
have the conversations with them to validate what they're going through, apologize,
and start making amends. It's also important to recognize that
you can change your behavior and be working on doing

(01:01:33):
everything that they need you to do, but because you
didn't validate their emotions that are still hung up on it.
It's okay to feel however you're feeling. I may not
agree with it, you may not agree with it on
my end. We obviously have some shit to process right now,
so let's absolutely get into this right now so that
we don't have to do it again in the future. Right. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:01:55):
Next one is letting romance die, never in a shitting date,
compliments or gestures, stopping flirtations, surprise or creative energy.

Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
That's the worst, the laziness, all of it. Yeah, that
whole thing. Never initiating dates, never initiating period and like
without dates on their people would think that you mean sex,
but never showing initiative. How about that. That's good. That
will absolutely kill some fucking romance because now you're showing
that you're not interested anymore. We said early on in

(01:02:25):
the relation on the podcast that you should constantly pursue
your person. If they don't feel like if they don't
feel like they are the hottest thing in the world
to you the way that they felt in the beginning,
things are going to start to fade away. And that
comes from the initiation of all of things, and then
stopping flirting, surprise or creative energy that's falling into that routine.

(01:02:47):
This is just what my life is. I don't have
to I don't have to chase her. I've already got her,
don't I'm tired, she's tired. We're just gonna go home
and watch TV because that's what our life has become.
You can do something really simple, is like getting a
chocolate bar for your person when you go to the
gas station. It does not take much to just be like, hey,
I still love you. I got you something. I can
tell you're on your period right now. I brought you

(01:03:08):
some chocolate right like, I don't know. It does not
take much. Next one, I have to ask you, am
I supposed to continue doing this? What do you mean?
Like you've been reading and I've been going.

Speaker 3 (01:03:20):
Well, that's that's just how it started, Okay.

Speaker 2 (01:03:21):
I didn't know if that's what you wanted to do. Like,
you keep looking over here, so I'm trying to fill
the space. It's just what's happening. I don't want to
take over this was your document. I don't want to
take over your episodes. So if you have I can
sit here and rock can look pretty. This works, okay.

Speaker 3 (01:03:37):
The next one is showing strangers more energy than her,
being charming at work or with friends, but cold or
quiet at home. Being the fun guy for everyone else
but emotionally flat in the relationship.

Speaker 2 (01:03:47):
This says I don't like my person Yes, it does.
There's actually a whole lot to this. This is being
charming at worker with friends, but cold or quiet at home.
This means that they are getting more out of their
social circle outside of the house than they do at home.
There's such a huge disconnect there that I would rather
hang out and do other shit with other people than
be around you. And if we go out and do
those things and you're still there and I'm with these
other people, I am more close to them than I

(01:04:10):
am to you. And that doesn't mean love. It just
means that this is where my relationships are strongest, and
you're just kind of not a part of this. Being
the fun guy for everyone else but emotionally flat in
a relationship. That one can you elaborate on? That is
this somebody that's like pranking everyone at work.

Speaker 3 (01:04:29):
And no like he has a different personality. He likes
to have fun and be around people, and he's laughing
and joking and interacting and all those other kinds of things.
And then when he comes home there is Disinterestky, that's disengagement.

Speaker 2 (01:04:43):
Speaks to just not liking their person. Yeap. Next point.

Speaker 3 (01:04:47):
So we are transitioning the conversation again as to how
long term emotional instability wears down a relationship. First one
is walking on eggshells, and these all have examples as well.
This one is every time she brings up needing more
help around the house, he explodes. So, I'm just a failure.

Speaker 2 (01:05:02):
Now that's a manipulation.

Speaker 3 (01:05:03):
Yes, she starts keeping her thoughts to herself to avoid conflict.
Over time, she says less and feels less.

Speaker 2 (01:05:09):
How do you deal with that? What the sorry, I'm
just a failure? Now?

Speaker 3 (01:05:14):
Is that what I said? That's what I ask people?
Is that what I said?

Speaker 1 (01:05:20):
Well?

Speaker 2 (01:05:21):
What if that's what they heard?

Speaker 3 (01:05:22):
Well, then then they have to say that is that
what I just said to you? No? Okay, so what
you said is what you heard from me?

Speaker 2 (01:05:30):
What if they say that is what you said? Let
me repeat myself because now conflict is happening.

Speaker 3 (01:05:36):
Yeah, I'm gonna repeat myself and we can either have
a conversation about this like an adults or we can
take a break, you can gather yourself and we can
try this again. But if that's going to be the
reaction every single time, I'm I'm good on that. I
really don't do well with people who are explosive and
try to manipulate situations like that.

Speaker 2 (01:05:56):
I don't either like you.

Speaker 3 (01:05:57):
Are not going to put words in my mouth and
make you seem like a victim in this.

Speaker 2 (01:06:01):
I know the right way to fix I know the
right way to handle this situation. If that I'm just
a failure now and you say that's not what I said,
and you know that is what you said, the proper way,
the diplomatic way to fix that is I am not
articulating myself properly, then I would like to I would
like to rewind and I would like to rephrase my
wordings so that I can properly convey my point because

(01:06:24):
that's not what I was trying to say. Say it, calm,
That's the right way to deal with it. The I
want to deal with it is if the shoe fits, motherfucker, like, yeah,
you are a failure now. If this is where we're
going in the conversation and you're trying to manipulate and
get explosive. You can be that guy. You are a failure.
You have failed at a lot of things. Let me point

(01:06:45):
them out to you so that you can see how
I see you in the moment. Since I was trying
to have a calm conversation with you and trying to
correct the behavior, and now you're trying to manipulate me. This,
this is this is very slippery ground.

Speaker 3 (01:06:58):
Oh yeah, for me, Yeah, my toxic comes out pretty quick.

Speaker 2 (01:07:02):
Real fucking quick, because I'm not going to I don't
do the manipulation thing. If I feel like I'm being manipulated,
it brings out a whole different side of me. And
I understand that it's my trauma. I know it's my
fucking trauma, but I do not do well with that shit. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:07:18):
That the biggest trigger in all of that is do
you think I'm fucking stupid?

Speaker 2 (01:07:22):
They do? They do think that, right, yep.

Speaker 3 (01:07:26):
The next one is repetitive circular arguments.

Speaker 2 (01:07:29):
I need a second. I just put myself in that position,
and my heart is beating faster right now, like I'm
having I'm a little upset. Yeah, why does it why
does this happen to us? Why does that a thing?
Because this is obviously not happening.

Speaker 3 (01:07:46):
Right, the emotional connection that you have to it.

Speaker 2 (01:07:48):
It is the memories that's got that is a true
trauma response. Yeah, your nervous system is having a reaction. Wow,
I want to yell. I do I want to yell?
I believe that.

Speaker 3 (01:08:00):
The next one is repetitive circular arguments. They fight about
his phone use, he apologized, It happens again next week.
She cries, threatens to leave, He begs love bombs and
promises change. Nothing changes. Six months later, they're still having
the same fight, now with more resentment.

Speaker 2 (01:08:18):
I don't want to say about this one that made
my back hurt. Yeah, this is this is this is
placating a situation. The example is they fought about his
phone use, he apologized, and then it happens again next week.
The apology the apology is is shut up. It's the
band aid. It's not even a band aids. I can

(01:08:38):
tell you're upset, and if I apologize, you're gonna stop.
I don't want to have a bad night. If someone
playcate you right now knowing that I can do this
again next week and then we'll have another fight about
it for next week. But that's an hour or two
out of one hundred and sixty eight, so I can
continue doing what I'm doing out of the one hundred
and sixty six other hours that I have to have
a two hour discomfort where you're upset, and I'll just
go back to doing what I'm doing. That's how I

(01:09:00):
view that's that's how I view apology without change behavior,
you are nothing more than lip service. That's also a
form of manipulation. I agree. Could you imagine being fighting
over the same thing for six months?

Speaker 3 (01:09:12):
Fuck no, I couldn't imagine fighting about the same thing
the next day. If we had a conversation in the
morning and you bring that shit up at dinner, What
are we doing right now? Am I in the twilight.

Speaker 2 (01:09:22):
Zoneh I'm not now.

Speaker 3 (01:09:25):
If it's a conversation of I've thought about more things
and I have elaborations to add to our conversation, I'll
hear that all day. Okay, you have new epiphanies, You
just learn something about yourself. There is something I need
to be aware of in the relationship that can help
avoid what happened in the morning. Yeah, one hundred percent
of conversations are happening. But if you're trying to pick
a fight, or I thought about this and it pissed

(01:09:48):
me off, and I didn't think about it this morning,
and now we're going to hash out again, we're not
doing that.

Speaker 2 (01:09:53):
Yeah, yeah, that's all really super problematic behavior. Yeah. I
think a lot of people do that, though I think
that's more common than then. You would probably like to admit.

Speaker 3 (01:10:03):
I did shit like that.

Speaker 2 (01:10:04):
I think everybody has. You know, when you this is
this is the end of the days in confused movie
where the guy gets he gets punched by that dude
or yeah, you know he ends up hitting that guy
and getting his ass kicked. You dwell on something and
you fixate on it, and that fixation creates a whole
lot of other problems. This is why you need to
take time to walk away and think about other things
or do something else and and process your shit. I

(01:10:26):
don't know, that's that's a lot.

Speaker 3 (01:10:29):
Emotional outburst followed by intense closeness. She screams, slams the door,
blocks him for two days, and then shows up with
takeout and cuddles like nothing happened. The cycle becomes familiar.
Fight frees out, make up, sex, and then silence. He's exhausted,
but afraid to say anything in case it sets her
off again.

Speaker 2 (01:10:49):
I wouldn't tolerate that me either. That's one of those
things that that's somebody living in an unhealed state and
doing absolutely nothing to heal themselves.

Speaker 3 (01:10:58):
Yep, and they haven't enabled in their life. Next one
is one partner becomes the regulator. Every disagreement turns into
a meltdown. He spends hours calming her down, avoiding triggers,
and managing her emotions. He begins to feel more like
a therapist or a babysitter than a partner. Eventually he
will disconnect emotionally and physically.

Speaker 2 (01:11:17):
Yeah. I think that there's been a lot of people
who have been in relationships where this has become a thing,
And I think you find yourself very disconnected with your person,
but afraid to leave because you're afraid of the backlash
that's going to come from their emotional response.

Speaker 3 (01:11:32):
Or feeling responsible for their life.

Speaker 2 (01:11:34):
That's a big one too. I don't want to leave
because what if they unlive themselves, what if they hurt themselves,
what if they lose the job that they have or Yeah, yeah,
it's a lot.

Speaker 3 (01:11:47):
There's a difference between using your partner as a support
to lean on in emotional times and then using them
as a regulator.

Speaker 2 (01:11:54):
Like what was just described, the shit gets old. Yeah,
people don't want to live like that. I've been saying
that all lot lately. I couldn't imagine, like the better
our life gets, like our life is dope as fuck,
it's getting better, like it's it's constantly evolving and becoming more.
To think about living in a situation that I've lived
in in the past, it's fucking like it's disgusting to me,

(01:12:17):
like it's repulsive. I couldn't imagine going back and living
in situations like that, like my like my cutoff game
is already strong as fuck, Like I'll cut people off
of a really minute shit yea. But like after living
the life that we're living, my propensity for bullshit or
that tolerance has gotten much much thinner. There's a whole

(01:12:39):
lot of things in life that I'm not willing to
tolerate or deal with. And dealing with an unhinged individual,
like the moment you show me that you're disregulated emotionally
and you can't reel that the fuck back you were
out of my life period. That's a rough one man.

Speaker 3 (01:12:53):
Yeah, yeah, emotionally shutting down us protection. She gets anxious
and interrogates him constantly white. She texts back, who are
you with? At first he reassures, then defends, and then retreats.
Eventually he stops sharing anything because everything becomes a fight.
She interprets his silence as proof that he's hiding something.

Speaker 2 (01:13:14):
Yeah, that's just another toxic behavior. All of these are
super toxic.

Speaker 3 (01:13:18):
Yeah. The next one is passive aggressive withdrawal. He says
nothing is wrong, but slams cabinets and gives one word
answers for three days. She guesses, apologizes, and overfunctions to
restore peace. He never clearly communicates what he feels, just
punishes her with silence.

Speaker 2 (01:13:35):
So this is one of those things that gets a
over overcompensating on both ends because him doing what he's
doing in this situation, slaming cabinets and doing what he's doing,
he is overreacting to a situation instead of dealing with
it from a calm standpoint. But he's also putting her
in a position where she has to overcompensate to try

(01:13:57):
to find her way back into his good graces again.
I view that as abuse.

Speaker 3 (01:14:02):
Yeah, oh, I agree one hundred percent.

Speaker 2 (01:14:05):
Yep.

Speaker 3 (01:14:05):
Disproportionate reaction is to small issues. She forgets to call
him back. He texts, Wow, I guess I'm not a
priority again. Don't bother. This could have been a calm conversation.
It turns into a storm again. She begins to dread
communication because everything feels.

Speaker 2 (01:14:21):
Like a trap. This is also manipulation. I agree that, Wow,
I guess I'm not a priority again. Don't bother? Is
pity me. I'm the victim. You now have to compensate
and make up for what you just did.

Speaker 3 (01:14:34):
You have to get back in my good graces.

Speaker 2 (01:14:37):
If this is early relationship shit, these are all red
flags one hundred percent. This is something that you run
the other way the moment something like this happens.

Speaker 3 (01:14:44):
Unpredictable moods create unsafe space. Some days he's sweet, loving,
and attentive. Other days he's called irritable or gone. She
never knows what mood to expect, so she stays guarded
and timacy can't grow where emotional safety does not exist.

Speaker 2 (01:14:58):
Yep, nothing on that one.

Speaker 3 (01:15:01):
Emotional intensity replaces real intimacy. Example, the highs are so
high gifts, passion, declarations, and the loads are so low, yelling,
withdrawal and chaos. She confuses intimacy for depth, But it's
not intimacy, it's adrenaline.

Speaker 2 (01:15:18):
That speaks to another more to mental health and abuse. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:15:23):
Yeah, next one relationship becomes a source of anxiety, not peace.
He used to feel calm around her. Now he feels
anxious every time he hears her voice, wondering if it'll
be a good day or another storm. Eventually he feels
more peace alone than he does when he's with her.

Speaker 2 (01:15:39):
Yeah, it's a sign that it's time to go.

Speaker 3 (01:15:41):
Yeah, and now I believe this is the last part
of our journey here is when to walk away from
a relationship. So this is a question that we get
asked a lot in live streams, TikTok comments, emails. When
is enough enough? When should I know when to walk away?

Speaker 2 (01:16:00):
What?

Speaker 3 (01:16:00):
Everything that we just talked about are really really good
indicators of things. This is a very rough outline of
things that I would pay attention to in a relationship
and would heavily factor that in on whether or not
I want to stay in it.

Speaker 2 (01:16:18):
Yeah, I agree with that. I think that a lot
of things before we get into this time frames of
relationships matter, how I mess your life is, if you're married,
all of that factors into things. But my answer to
all of this is when it's time to walk away
from a relationship is when you no longer feel safe
in that relationship. There's not a right time. If things

(01:16:38):
don't feel right for you anymore, it's time to move on.
We're not meant to be with everyone, correct, And sometimes
people share time in your life and it's great, and
sometimes they have to go their own way and things
fall apart. That's just kind of the way that it.

Speaker 3 (01:16:51):
Is so repeated. Cheating a betrayal of trust. You've forgiven
them after the first affair, but they've cheated again or
continue messaging other people and appropriately a potterern of infidelity
shows a lack of respect for boundaries and commitment within
the relationship.

Speaker 2 (01:17:06):
I can see the forgiveness happening on a first time,
like first a first thing of infidelity and working through that,
but I think multiple shows that that's just who they
are as a person and they're not going to be
happy with just one person. Yeah, they want their freedom,
but they want the place stay at home. Fake relationship,
or maybe they're using somebody for money. Like, there's a

(01:17:26):
whole lot of things that go into that. So I
agree on the first one. If if it happens once
you're able to forgive them, and it happens the second time,
got to go yep.

Speaker 3 (01:17:35):
Next one is disrespect becomes the normal. They constantly belittle
you in public, mock your dreams, or use hurtful language
when you've expressed how much it affects you. And then again,
love cannot thrive where respect does not exist.

Speaker 2 (01:17:48):
How far do you let that disrespect go?

Speaker 3 (01:17:50):
I check it in the moment.

Speaker 2 (01:17:52):
I mean, like, how far do you let it happen?
So like there are non negotiables for me. Yeah, okay,
if you ever disrespect it being in public, no matter
how great our relationship is, I would have a very
hard time coming back from that. I think that I
would have an easier time coming back from infidelity than
you disrespecting me in public. I believe that, and I
honestly I couldn't even tell you why that is. There

(01:18:13):
might be an embarrassment factor there, I don't know, but
I would have a really fucking hard time with that.
So like being belittled is a problem for me. It
shows that you think that I'm less than right, there's
a whole lot psychologically that goes into somebody belittling somebody
else mocking your dreams, Like you're supposed to be my person.
You're supposed to be the person that tells you, tells
me that my dreams are attainable, that they're not fucking stupid.

(01:18:34):
We can do all this shit together. We're a fucking team.
We got this. Let's go using hurtful language, I can
also see being problematic, especially if there's like name calling
and shit, this is this one is a real problem
for me. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:18:48):
One of the biggest things that ended my first marriage
was I don't appreciate being called a bitch, and when
the other person believes that it's just a word, Yeah,
it led to that's one of those fester things where
it's not a big deal in the moment, but as
it continues to happen, and that lack of respect and
you're clearly not hearing how I'm feeling about this whole situation.

Speaker 2 (01:19:08):
Right Yeah, Well, especially if you've expressed that you have
a problem with that word and its continue to be used, right.

Speaker 3 (01:19:14):
Yeah, because their belief is more important than it what's
going on in the relationship.

Speaker 2 (01:19:18):
I don't think it's a belief thing. Yeah No, I
think it's I'm more important than you are. That's a
superiority thing. You don't matter as much, and let me
show you how little you matter. I'm going to use
the terminology that I know bothers you. Yeah, this abuse,
I agree that that is something that narcissists do under
the thumb, right, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 (01:19:39):
Next one ye, lack of accountability. Every argument ends with
them blaming you, even when they clearly did something wrong.
They never apologize or admit fault. Growth is impossible when
one person refuses to take responsibility.

Speaker 2 (01:19:53):
I think that every argument needs to end with both
people taking accountability for their hand in things. I agree,
I'm sorry that this happens, and I'm sorry for my
role in blah blah blah. I'm sorry that it happened too,
and I'm sorry for my role and blah blah blah.

Speaker 3 (01:20:07):
Physical hold on.

Speaker 2 (01:20:08):
I think that it's important that that's verbalized and it's
actually stated out loud because it can also lead to
change behavior because you're now speaking things into existence.

Speaker 3 (01:20:16):
Yeah right, okay, so these are not not all of
these have to be compounded with other things. A lot
of these are Yeah, that's a hard no for me,
and I'm willing to leave the relationship over it. Okay,
I wanted to get that out before we continue going
down the list.

Speaker 2 (01:20:28):
Yeah, well that Belitlian one and a new relationship or
somebody that's not living together or not married, that would
happen one time, that'd be the end of this. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:20:36):
Physical or emotional abuse they have shoved you during an
argument or constantly call you names like worthless or stupid. Abuse, physical, verbal,
or emotional is a non negotiable exit sign.

Speaker 2 (01:20:46):
Absolutely. Yeah. And I don't care where that is in
the relationship. No, I don't care if you've been married
for twenty years.

Speaker 3 (01:20:52):
Yeah, get the fuck out. Yep, there there is no
coming back from that.

Speaker 2 (01:20:57):
Forming I agree, I agree. There's it's weird the way
that we have our levels of like what is redeemable
and what is not.

Speaker 3 (01:21:06):
Next one is trust is shattered and it cannot be rebuilt.
You check their phone because you don't believe their words anymore,
and every interaction feels like an interrogation. A relationship without
trust becomes a poison for both people. Or a prison,
a prison for both people.

Speaker 2 (01:21:21):
I agree with this one too. Yeah, the trust thing
is a really big one for me. That's one of
those things where like I think a conversation could be
had of I just don't trust you anymore, and they're like,
we need to find a way to rebuild that, and
there's a lot of work that's going to have to
come into play, and it could take a year or two, right,
And like, if both people are willing to go through
that and they're willing to do the work, it could work.

(01:21:42):
I think more often than not, it's easier to just
be like I don't trust you and this isn't working
and I'm out. But that also speaks to the length
or the de position of the relationship, like where you
are in your relationship, because if that's in the first
six months, deuces, Like that's just one of those things
that there's not even a discussion the bad that would
literally be the breakup for me at a six months mark. Okay,

(01:22:03):
I don't trust you, I can't do this, amout. Yeah, yep.

Speaker 3 (01:22:06):
Next one is your mental health is declining. You feel anxious, depressed,
or drained every day because of the relationship and your
friends notice that you've changed. A healthy relationship should bring peace,
not constant chaos.

Speaker 2 (01:22:19):
I think that there is a time and place for that. Yeah,
I think this is one of those This is not
a one size fits all situation. If your mental health
is declining because of abuse and things that are bad
in the relationship, it's different. But if your mental health
is declining because you're dealing with a sick sick partner, like,
there's a lot of struggle that comes into that, Like
you should be there, you.

Speaker 3 (01:22:40):
Know, unwillingness to work on issues. You pour your heart
out saying we need help, I can't do this alone,
and they shrug it off. That's just how I am.
You can suggest counseling, compromise and then they laugh, call
it stupid, or accuse you of being dramatic if you
feel you're carrying the entire relationship on your back while
they stand still. A relationship cannot survive when only one
one person is fighting for it.

Speaker 2 (01:23:01):
That this is just who I am. Yeah, is one
of those statements that says I refuse to change. You
can accept me for who I am, or you can
leave because I don't give a fuck enough to change.
That is one of those statements that I used to
use in the past all the time, This is who
I am. You can like it or go like, I'm
not going to fucking change me for you. That says

(01:23:22):
a lot about your relationship. It says a lot about
the majority of the person in your relationship, because I
was broken as fuck when I used to say this. Shit.
That's a that's a huge manipulation thing, because if I
say this is just who I am, you need to
fucking accept it, and you do when you don't leave
the next time we have a fight. That's my go to.
You know, this is who I am. You know what
you signed up for, right Yeah, that's that's fucking some

(01:23:44):
some gross manipulation shit right there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:23:47):
Next one is your core values no longer aligne. You
want marriage and kids and they say they do two
until five years past and you realize they never meant it.
Or maybe you've grown in your faith or your career,
but they mock your beliefs or resent your ambition. You
feel like you're building a life in two different directions.
Love alone cannot overcome fundamental differences in life goals and values.

Speaker 2 (01:24:10):
Yes, ma'am. That last sentence is factual as a motherfucker.
Love is not enough. It is not enough. You can
love somebody to the end of the earth. But if
your your retirement and your goals and how your values
don't align, it doesn't matter anymore. Right.

Speaker 3 (01:24:23):
Next one, you're staying out of fear, not love. You
catch yourself thinking what will people say if we break up?
Or I can't start over. I've already invested so much time.
But when you strip away the fear and imagine the future,
you don't see happiness. You see exhaustion. You stay because
the unknown scares you more than the misery that you
live with. If fear is the glue holding you together,

(01:24:44):
the relationship is already broken.

Speaker 2 (01:24:46):
Yeah. I agree that that was also me for a
long time, got so much time. I don't want to
start over again. It's cheaper to keep her. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's a lot.

Speaker 3 (01:24:58):
Next one, they sabotage your growth or success. You share
good news and promotion, weight loss a personal goal, and
instead of celebrating, they downplay it or say something like
don't get cocky. Over time, you stop sharing your wins
because you feel like you can't shine without dimming their ego.
Someone who truly loves you will cheer your success, not
compete with it.

Speaker 2 (01:25:18):
Yeah, that shit needs to be your Your partner should
be your biggest fucking cheerleader. And you get into a
relationship with anybody you try to celebrate your wins and
they shit on them. Like that's a huge fucking red flag.
And early in a relationship, you gotta go. You gotta
fucking go. Don't stay in a situation like that. I
will cut off friends, Like if you can't celebrate my
victories with me, I can't have you in my social circle. Right,

(01:25:39):
this is the last one, all right.

Speaker 3 (01:25:41):
The next one is consistent emotional neglect. You have begged
for connection, date nights, deep conversations, even just sitting together
without distractions, But days turn into weeks and weeks turn
into months and nothing is changing. You feel like a
roommate instead of a partner, starving for attention and a
relationship that's supposed to feel like your safe place. Emotional

(01:26:02):
servation is just as painful as any other kind of neglect.

Speaker 2 (01:26:05):
I think it's worse. Yeah, well, humans are emotional creatures,
Yes we are. You know you know what I mean?
Like that being cut off and that that's depression that's
feeling alone, that's feeling like I have nobody in my corner.
That is true isolation. And then you wonder why you've
been cut off from your family because your your your
partner doesn't like your family, and you no longer hang
out with all your friends because when you got it

(01:26:27):
becomes a problem and they make you feel like all
you need is them, and then the emotional disconnect happens
and you are truly fucking isolated alone with nobody. Yeah,
that's that's a that's a really really rough one. You
want to stop there. Yeah, I don't know what page
were on, but reasonable expectations in a relationship could be
part two if you wanted to do this again. Okay,
a man has said, reminds me of my past, how

(01:26:49):
much I've healed in some things I've realized I need
to work on still. Oh and that's the fucking truth.
We read through these things. There are moments where I
want to like tell stories about my past, and I
you know, there are times that we do, but there's
a lot of ugly that's just easier to leave buried.
But these episodes in these conversations absolutely make me realize
that I was a fucking, very damaged, broken person for

(01:27:10):
a very long time. It also brings up a whole
lot of things that I realized I need to work on.
Still like that belittling things shouldn't have gotten to me
the way that it did.

Speaker 3 (01:27:18):
Yeah, what did you think of today's episode?

Speaker 2 (01:27:20):
It was fun. I realize that when we do these things,
I realized sometimes how much I talk. Yeah, And I
know that's just been the way the podcast has gone
because I talk a lot, but I feel guilty doing it,
and there's times I just want to sit here and
wait to make you speak. But I also I don't know,
I don't know. There are times that we record and
I have a hard time with it. All right, guys,

(01:27:41):
we're gonna wrap up. We'll probably be live later on
a public live. If we do, we will at the
discord so that everybody knows that we are doing it.

Speaker 3 (01:27:49):
Yeah, and part two of this episode will be what
I think are reasonable expectations within a relationship that some
people may try to use and be manipulative to ours
saying you're controlling?

Speaker 2 (01:28:01):
Is that what the rest of the document is reasonable
expectations of relationship. Okay, I fuck with that, I really
fuck with that because there's a lot of people out
there who won't set boundaries because they think that it's
it's controlling, or it's not fair or whatever. Yeah, I'm
heavy on the boundary setting. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:28:17):
Yeah, I think the next part of that's going to
be good too.

Speaker 2 (01:28:20):
I think so. I think it'll probably better than what
we just did. Yeah, because everyone needs the boundary setting,
not everybody's dealing with infidelity, you know what I mean. Yeah,
you're ready to wrap up.

Speaker 3 (01:28:28):
I'm ready to wrap up all.

Speaker 2 (01:28:29):
Right, guys. Remember you are the author of your own life,
So grab a pen and we will see you on
the next one. Bye, guys.

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