Desperate to be loved. S3 Ep.45

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Look up, we've come all the things on the bottom.
Oh oh wow, it's you.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
You're my favorite view but that's not me, and we
are back.

Speaker 3 (00:24):
Welcome back, you beautiful bitches.

Speaker 4 (00:26):
Season three, episode whatever this is. I don't even know
at this point. It's got to be like forty five,
I think, or forty six.

Speaker 3 (00:33):
It's August eleventh, though, it is.

Speaker 4 (00:34):
You were right, good call on that, because we're supposed
to be doing that on ever episode. Yeah, August eleventh.
We are live in front of our Patreon audience. Today
is actually the first day of school for us.

Speaker 2 (00:42):
It is, yes, yes, the house.

Speaker 3 (00:48):
Is quiet at eleven thirty in the morning. Is it noon?
I don't know what time.

Speaker 2 (00:52):
It's eleven thirty three.

Speaker 3 (00:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (00:54):
Yeah, I'm grateful that school has started. I know that,
Like I really do value homeschool and think that it's
a great tool. But man, man, does my fucking mental
health need them gone?

Speaker 3 (01:04):
Sometimes when they were young, it's a lot.

Speaker 4 (01:06):
Yeah, when they're like ten, eleven, twelve years old, I
think it'll be a whole lot easier, But right now
it is a lot.

Speaker 5 (01:11):
Yeah. Good, what are you gonna say? I don't know,
Go ahead, something I need to get off my chest
the last three or four times we've introed. I wanted
to say welcome back, you big, big booty bitches, but
I was like, oh, is that too much?

Speaker 2 (01:27):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:27):
It is like yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:30):
All I can hear is that song from the Friday
movie Big Booty Hose.

Speaker 5 (01:38):
Oh, I got that on my system. Fantastic today taking
the children to school. I woke up this morning. I
went to bed and I was out. Daughter woke us up.
She had a nightmare, got her back in bed. I
rubbed her back, she fell asleep. I went back to bed,
didn't look at the clock. I was that once I
was able to get myself up for school, turn off

(01:58):
my own alarm clock. All this kinds of thing, massive
anxiety going to bed at night. I would make myself
sick constantly checking my phone what time it is? I
have three more hours of sleep?

Speaker 2 (02:08):
I have now? Yeah, right now, I got two hours
and thirteen minutes left.

Speaker 5 (02:14):
Yep, it's funny make myself sick over it. So I
don't look at the clocks anymore at night. Yeah, can't
panic about it if I don't know what time it is.
So got up, helped her go back to bed. She
woke me up three three total times. Last night she
got out of bed. Last time she woke me up,

(02:36):
I was I was so groggy, I was so tired,
and I was like I was stumbling through the house
and like she stopped and she just watched me.

Speaker 3 (02:41):
I'm like, just where am I going? Sweetheart?

Speaker 5 (02:44):
My eyes and she helped me get to her bedroom
and I tucked her and I rubbed her back and
I ended up going back to our bedroom and I
almost looked at the clock and I was like, no,
we're not gonna do this. You're not gonna panic, Like
what if it's like five forty five, you gotta be
up to six. You're just gonna lay here, pissed off,
lay down, take the fifteen minutes. And I got up
at six, and I was gonna want to do this.

(03:06):
Children were in a fairly good mood this morning. Son,
Oh he got me. He got me this morning. So
I was out on the back patio taking Ivy out,
doing my morning stretches, kind of just like getting myself together,
and he comes out. He opens the door. I'm like, oh,
good morning, but he's like I have to go potty.

Speaker 3 (03:23):
And I was like okay, and he closed it.

Speaker 5 (03:24):
And went back inside and I came in daughter's getting ready,
and I go into our sun's room and he's laying
with the center of the blanket and I started being goofy, like,
oh it has anybody seen my son, mister dinosaur? Do
you know where he went? And I hear him giggling,
and I ripped the blanket off of him and he
was like, Mommy, fifteen more minutes. And I was like, no,
six o'clock and get up. And he's like, I promise
fifteen more minutes. And I was like, this is me,

(03:44):
trusting you.

Speaker 3 (03:47):
This is me. I have this thing with the children.

Speaker 5 (03:49):
Where I have a sack of trust like fairy dust,
and I pull it out and they have to bring
out their little sacks so I can sprinkle my trust
into it and when they lose my.

Speaker 3 (03:58):
Trust, I take it back. It's a whole ordeal.

Speaker 5 (04:02):
And we did that, and I was like, here we go, Buden,
I'm giving you a little bit of trust, and he
was like, oh, thank you, mommy. And I went and
focused on our daughter and she got ready. She looks
fantastic for school today. And I go back into our
son's room and I was like.

Speaker 3 (04:16):
All right, wakey, wakey, shaky, shakey, clicked on the light,
ripped off the blanket, and he goes a and I
was like, we are not, we are not.

Speaker 5 (04:25):
You promised. I had zero tolerance this morning. And at
one point I was like, do you want me to
help you find clothes? I'll do that for you if
you stop being grumpy and he was like yeah. And
I'm sifting through the thing and I'm looking, I'm opening
up doors and I hear him growing again and I
don't even look at him.

Speaker 3 (04:39):
I'm gonna wake up Pops.

Speaker 5 (04:40):
And if I wake up Pops, you know he's not
gonna be happy waking up this early because you're acting
up and he's stopping. And I was like all right, great.
Then the day went on. We got in the car
and children we listen to music on the way there.
This is crazy, the I'll argue about everything. Anything gets
so much worse.

Speaker 3 (04:58):
I have the tiger. It was the argument this morning
and what was wired?

Speaker 2 (05:02):
What was wild?

Speaker 3 (05:03):
Or someone was like can we listen to musical?

Speaker 2 (05:04):
And I was like yeah.

Speaker 5 (05:05):
On the way to school. Firstly as cool, let's go.
I was like, what do we want to listen to?
And he was like I a the Tiger and our
daughter goes, it's the Eye of the Tiger, like really bad.
And our son goes, I don't want to listen to it.

Speaker 2 (05:18):
Anymore, fucking savage, and since.

Speaker 3 (05:25):
He was like, but I was so excited.

Speaker 5 (05:27):
I wanted to listen to that, and I was like, Bud,
you can't just and he's like, but she sang it
after I said it, and I just wanted to listen
to the song. And I was like, right, but she's
allowed to sing the song. That's why songs are made.
And he's like, I don't want to listen to Eye
the Tiger anymore. I was like, we're listening to Eye
the Tiger.

Speaker 2 (05:42):
That's funny.

Speaker 5 (05:44):
And then we got there the whole thing of what
are we every morning? Yeah, what kind of day are
we gonna have a good day?

Speaker 3 (05:51):
Well? Why are we gonna have a good day?

Speaker 5 (05:52):
Because we're gonna make good choices, we're gonna listen to
our teacher, we're gonna have fun with our friends, whatever
the case may be, and then hit them with what
are you and our daughter goes, I don't remember. I
was like, well, make something up, like what do you
believe you are? What do you think you are. She goes,
I don't know, and our son just starts spouting it
off and he was like, I'm smart, I'm great, I'm strong,

(06:13):
I'm handsome, I'm smart.

Speaker 3 (06:14):
And I was like yes, and our daughter's like, oh, yes.

Speaker 5 (06:18):
I remember Avolos And she was like I love my mommy,
and I love my family, and I love my teacher
and even though I don't know her yet, and.

Speaker 3 (06:25):
I was just really excited about how did they went.

Speaker 2 (06:27):
Yeah, I'm glad that it went well.

Speaker 3 (06:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (06:29):
We also went back to the gym today.

Speaker 3 (06:31):
We did I did lat work.

Speaker 2 (06:33):
Excuse me.

Speaker 4 (06:36):
The thumbnail that was used for the video that premiered
today was us when we were in the second bedroom
and we're both in shape. Still, I didn't have a
belly and I had no man titties, like, I didn't
have a double chin. I was maybe two hundred and
fifteen pounds and you could tell. And I was like, uh,
the disappointment was real.

Speaker 3 (06:54):
I get that I miss my traps.

Speaker 5 (06:56):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (06:56):
Yeah, So we're doing the life things. We're going to
do Thank You Emails Day, Regular emails Day. We got
some cards over here for later. It has been requested
that we start reacting to our older content for Patreon,
And at first I was like, I don't want to
do that.

Speaker 3 (07:10):
I don't want to do that.

Speaker 4 (07:11):
Okay, well let me tell you. Let me let me
give you a paint you a picture of what our
world looks like. Right now, we have less than ten
weeks of content before we're up for a season three.
It's August, right, so we are recording into November right now,
so we have less than ten weeks of content, and
then we have no emails to read until season four.

(07:32):
Jesus right, We're four months ahead right now, so like
we're going to have to do something as filler content,
which means Patreon's about to get a lot of fucking content.

Speaker 5 (07:41):
Oh yeah, you guys are about to get swamped a
lot drown in our knowledge.

Speaker 2 (07:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (07:46):
We have the Couple's retreat this weekend in North Carolina.
That'll that'll we have to leave for that Thursday. We
ended up giving away a free room for that, which
was pretty exciting.

Speaker 3 (07:55):
We did.

Speaker 4 (07:56):
We talked about this the other day. I want to
do that for every retreat that we do. I think
that we need to start planning the next retreat for
the beginning of the year, for like a co ed retreat.
So guys, by the time this releases, there should be
something available. Go to be Better dot com click on
retreats and figure out what we've got going on if
you would like to come and do a weekend retreat
with us. We still have spots for Grease and Bally.

(08:19):
As of the time this recording, we have seven of each.
Excuse me, and I still have spots available for my
men's retreat, and this will be the only men's retreat
I do.

Speaker 2 (08:27):
I will not be doing another one. No, Nope, it's
not worth it.

Speaker 4 (08:31):
The amount of headache and like I'm done, Like I've
done all the work for it, it's ready to go, but
the amount of work that's going into preparing and trying
to sell the spots. I don't want to be a salesman, gotcha.
So I would rather and I know that in order
to make money and do all of that, you have
to be a salesman. But it's not about that. If
it was about making money, I would have rented a
fucking twenty thousand dollars mansion that had fifty spots and

(08:53):
we would have really pushed the shit. And I don't
want to do that. Like I'm not trying to sell something.
You guys either want to be here you don't. And
if you don't want to be here, I don't want
you here. Right So I get that my book drops Friday. Exciting, Yeah,
it'll be It'll be released the day that we start
our couples retreat in North Carolina.

Speaker 3 (09:10):
I love that.

Speaker 4 (09:11):
All that, all the information about the retreats, if you
guys want to go and travel, is on the website
to be Better dot com. So for those of you
who are listening right now and reading and and Patreon,
I see the chat. Did somebody to ask where it was?
I believe it's in Florida.

Speaker 2 (09:23):
I don't know.

Speaker 4 (09:24):
We have so many things booked between now and the
end of the year that I read my schedule to
Sean last night and we literally have something booked every
weekend yep until Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 (09:36):
So it's a lot, a whole lot, a whole lot
of yes, do you want to do?

Speaker 4 (09:43):
You want to just jump into some thank you emails, guys,
we bought a whole bunch of other cards. Sorry, real quick,
but we bought a whole bunch of the other cards.
We got some relationship, We were not stranger cards. We
are not strangers. I bought two different expansion decks that
are based off relationships, so we'll have card more card
content coming to which is fun for us.

Speaker 5 (09:59):
I agree, I do want to touch my women's retreat.
I'm using my laptop.

Speaker 2 (10:03):
You should definitely do that.

Speaker 5 (10:04):
Okay, I'm gonna be using my laptop today, which I
don't think you guys have seen my laptop maybe earlier
on I don't know. Yeah, that was so long ago.
I've put stickers on it. I'm such a rebel. My gosh,
a little side tangent. When I got the laptop, I
was like, oh, this is expensive. I can't put anything
on it. I was like, wait a minute, who's going
to tell me now? With my women's retreat.

Speaker 3 (10:30):
So I had my laptop.

Speaker 5 (10:30):
I was sitting over here waiting for my husband, doing
my thing on my laptop, and I'm really excited. It's
going to be a very power packed weekend. We have
scheduled downtime, like, this is not going to be a
all right, guys, so what do you want to do?
This is going to be bell here, you there, everyone here.

Speaker 3 (10:54):
Stop breathing.

Speaker 5 (10:56):
It's gonna be yeah, stop breathing, huh No, it's just
an exaggeration.

Speaker 3 (10:59):
Okay, there will be breathwork though.

Speaker 5 (11:02):
It's good, So I will tell you to stop breathing
at some point, but it's for a whole purpose, I promise,
not not because of panic.

Speaker 2 (11:08):
There you go.

Speaker 3 (11:09):
Oh, I want to talk about everything. I have plans.

Speaker 2 (11:12):
Go ahead, talk about it.

Speaker 3 (11:13):
I'm gonna talk about the key.

Speaker 2 (11:14):
By the time this gets released, it'll have happened.

Speaker 3 (11:17):
Oh you're right, So okay, this.

Speaker 4 (11:19):
Will this one actually drop a month after the women's
retreat wonder So the only people that are going to
get it is the sixty six people who are in Patreon.

Speaker 2 (11:26):
Okay, we're watching right now.

Speaker 5 (11:28):
So for my future women's retreats, depending on how this
one goes, I do.

Speaker 3 (11:32):
I do want to do more.

Speaker 5 (11:34):
I have the hope of doing more, but it really
depends on how this first one goes. And within this retreat,
we are going to have three separate meal prep cooking classes.
We are going to do morning and nighttime sound bath meditations.
There is going to be, like I said, breathwork. There
will be holotropic breathing. There is going to be I'm

(11:57):
bouncing back and forth between two to three seminars on
both days. I am also making each seminar have multiple
talking points. So if we get through maintaining the household
and self organization within forty five minutes, but we have
an hour and a half allotted for this, we can
hit another talking point take down time. We're gonna be

(12:19):
doing rock painting. I'm so excited about the rock painting
I have. We're doing an apothecary class, so we're going
to be making our own tonics, and those tonics can
be turned into extractions. The really big thing that I'm
really excited for that I haven't said out loud yet.

(12:41):
I am creating binders for all of the women coming.
Not all of the women have sounded off on who's
going to be present, so I'm just assuming thirty women.

Speaker 3 (12:53):
If there is more than thirty women, I am sorry
you missed out.

Speaker 5 (12:56):
You should pay attention to the email or discord or
whatever you were you were liking too. You will be
getting You will be receiving a binder with all of
the information for the weekend, including talking points from the seminars,
recipes the apothecary class. There is going to be breathwork
journal prompts. There is going to be meditation, and I'm
adding loose leaf paper and providing pins for anybody who

(13:18):
wants to journal within the binder for the weekend.

Speaker 2 (13:20):
Definitely get a lot on your schedule there.

Speaker 5 (13:22):
Yeah, we are also we are also going to be
doing ibots a variety of herbs for all of us
to make our own little herb bag to bring home.
We can add it to baths, we can put it
in soap of candles, whatever we want to do with it.
A lot of the women in the group are crafty.
You can add it to a junk journal, whatever the

(13:44):
case may be. And I'm really looking forward to that too,
creating our own little flowery herb bag.

Speaker 4 (13:50):
Let me ask you an honest question, what's that? How
much of this do you actually think you're going to
get done while at the retreat?

Speaker 5 (13:55):
So things like the rock painting and the flower or
flower bag.

Speaker 2 (14:00):
Thinging are those downtime? Actually, that's going to.

Speaker 3 (14:03):
Be a downtime activity.

Speaker 5 (14:04):
So I am going to have like a scheduled thing
on the itinerary of when I plan to sit down
and do it, so if other ladies want to join me,
they can. But this is going to be more of
It's going to be like out on a table. You
can leasually do it whenever you want to, if you
want to do it by yourself during quiet time at
three o'clock in the morning, when everyone's asleep, Okay, whatever
the case may be.

Speaker 4 (14:21):
Mike Tyson said, everybody's got a plan until they get
punched in the mouth. Yeah, And every time we do
one of these, we get punched in the mouth. Yeah,
and it's it never I swear to God, guys. The
only thing that has ever gone exactly to plan was Thailand, Yes,
and that was because we were like vehemently on schedule
with Thailand.

Speaker 3 (14:38):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (14:38):
Everything else we've done since then has been fuck it,
let's go and see what happens, and it's worked really
well for us. We had planned at the last couple's retreat,
we had planned on two seminars, and we ended up
doing multiple hours of like individual coaching with people, and
like it ended up being really the reviews, like the
testimonies that we got back from that were amazing. Yeah,
So I'm very excited to see what's going to look

(14:59):
like this weekend. And then every time we do this,
we're learning a little bit more about structure in the
way that we need to make things work.

Speaker 5 (15:06):
So yeah, I am fully prepared for this itinerary to
go into the trash. Okay, I want to go in
there prepared with a plan.

Speaker 2 (15:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (15:13):
I did let the women know that the itinerary is
going to be coming out within the next week or two.
I'm finalizing it. I have gone over this itinerary like
four or five times. At this point, I am obsessing
over time frames because I want to make sure that
there is enough downtime versus mental exertion happening.

Speaker 3 (15:30):
Why are you looking at me like that?

Speaker 4 (15:31):
Because this is this is how different you and I are.
All I can think of is like, how meticulously you're
planning because I've watched I've been watching you do this
shit for the last like three weeks.

Speaker 3 (15:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (15:40):
And you remember that scene in Yellowstone where Kevin Costner
asked John duttnast rip when he was like, so, what's
the plan. He's like, well, sir, we just figure fuck it. Yeah,
And he's like fuck it, huh And he's like yeah,
He's like, you know, this is gonna be a risk
no matter what. So we figured we just can run
and run a hell out.

Speaker 2 (15:54):
Of and fuck it. And he was like fuck it
it is. Yeah, that's my motto. Fuck it yeah.

Speaker 4 (15:59):
I have general idea of what I want to do.
How I get to that point doesn't matter as much
to me. You're like eleven fifteen, first sip of coffee,
eleven seventeen, make high pitch sound, so women come downstairs
eight twenty say good morning, eight twenty one high five
every one eight twenty two week breathwork.

Speaker 5 (16:21):
Like.

Speaker 3 (16:23):
Why do you guys do that? To me?

Speaker 5 (16:26):
That's so accurate, A really good roast.

Speaker 3 (16:33):
On the itinerary.

Speaker 5 (16:34):
So I have like an outline itinerary that I'm going
to copy and paste to finalize it. So I have
the main itinerary and then I have little tiny print
of like so like seven thirty am sound bath and
then nine am is gonna be breakfast. And I was
like okay at and little tiny parentheses. I was like,
eight forty get to the kitchen to prepare food for
nine am breakfast cooking.

Speaker 3 (16:57):
Also, what did we watch last night?

Speaker 2 (17:00):
I'm us, boy, don't judge me.

Speaker 3 (17:01):
Monkey that though, fucking I had a dream.

Speaker 2 (17:08):
I was a snake.

Speaker 4 (17:09):
I crawled into an elk, which means I was going
to underestimate somebody.

Speaker 5 (17:15):
There was a point where this this fucking hippie mystical
guy was doing this thing and I looked at my
husband and I was like, I'm.

Speaker 3 (17:20):
Feeling pretty personally attacked right now.

Speaker 5 (17:24):
He was doing yoga on his desk as he was
serving nettle tea.

Speaker 2 (17:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (17:31):
Yeah, I'm fully prepared for this weekend to not go
planned at all. I just know that there are possibly
thirty plus women showing up to look at me to
guide them through this weekend.

Speaker 3 (17:41):
And I'm not going to be like I'm hungry, who
wants breakfast?

Speaker 2 (17:45):
Right?

Speaker 3 (17:45):
So? Yeah, I want it to be organized.

Speaker 4 (17:49):
Is your binder going to be something that you create
and like has prompts and shit in it? Or is
it just loose paper inside of a folder? What do
you mean You said that you're creating a binder.

Speaker 3 (17:58):
Yeah, it's a binder.

Speaker 2 (18:00):
So is it just loose paper with nothing on it?

Speaker 5 (18:02):
No?

Speaker 3 (18:03):
Okay, I'm printing shit. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (18:04):
Somebody in the chat said that you should sell those,
like if they if they go over really well, you
should keep your blueprint and make copies of it so
that you can sell them.

Speaker 3 (18:12):
That's a really good idea. Yeah, oh I didn't think
about that.

Speaker 4 (18:15):
I didn't either, because this is I mean it would
work though if if they're a huge fucking hit, that's
it would be a very easy thing for us to
put together and sell.

Speaker 3 (18:24):
Did I just inadvertently make a self help book?

Speaker 2 (18:26):
Yeah? Right?

Speaker 4 (18:27):
Or or create a PDF download that they can print
out and stick in their own binder.

Speaker 3 (18:30):
Who said that? Good idea?

Speaker 4 (18:32):
I can't tell you because I I saw it, beautiful
brain e Lucy Binfield.

Speaker 3 (18:40):
I have no idea what I would sell that for.

Speaker 2 (18:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (18:44):
Not a brain power going into this, A lot of
time going into this.

Speaker 2 (18:46):
I don't think you should sell it. Yeah, nope.

Speaker 4 (18:48):
I think that if you if you're going to get like,
if you're going to do it, I think it should
be a Patreon only release and it should be given
to our Patreon members as like a one time download only,
and then it gets put away and then re used
in the future and as you update them and do
new things you would be able.

Speaker 3 (19:02):
To That's a good idea, right, because.

Speaker 4 (19:04):
We're giving value to Patreon. That's those are the people
who need to have like the most from us because
it's our.

Speaker 5 (19:09):
Largest So I also want to do you better cut
that me fixing my jewelry.

Speaker 3 (19:16):
No, in my nose. Yeah, you're not on lea that
in the potgram.

Speaker 2 (19:18):
Are you talking or was you were talking?

Speaker 4 (19:20):
Well, then you wouldn't see it anyway, Okay unless we're
split screen and even and then like, yeah, people know
you pick your nose is what you got those long nails.

Speaker 2 (19:25):
Don't act like that's as a new thing.

Speaker 5 (19:26):
It definitely scratches my brain. Yeah, oh fudge, I was
gonna say something else. I don't remember what it was
because you got me thinking picking about my nose. Yeah,
it's gone, It doesn't matter. Okay, you want to do it,
Thank you?

Speaker 3 (19:38):
Email.

Speaker 2 (19:38):
I do want to do it. Thank you. Email.

Speaker 5 (19:40):
Success appreciation story. Hi guys, I was in one of
your very first lives on TikTok before the podcast even started,
and I followed y'all ever since. During one of your
first live, I've asked for advice about my situation. You
both gave me that tough love slap of reality and
let me know that I really needed to leave, not
only for me, but for my kids as well. I

(20:02):
was an oiled field wife for eight and a half
years and went through some pretty horrible times.

Speaker 4 (20:06):
Okay, real, I'm sorry. I was reading the chat. Is
this an email that we read and this is a
thing you follow up. Okay, she gave us.

Speaker 3 (20:14):
She was in our early TikTok lives.

Speaker 2 (20:16):
Okay, okay, that's what I missed. I wasn't sure if
it was.

Speaker 3 (20:19):
A I'm gonna put blinders on you like a horse.

Speaker 4 (20:21):
Well, somebody said bandit said in there that he likes
the idea of a retreat exclusive for the binders, so
that people only get them from going to the retreats,
which I also like, we could do a simpler version
so that we're not giving away what's going to the retreat,
because that does defeat the purpose of the retreats. The
retreats just still have value. But then somebody else said
that they feel like we should be doing a devotional

(20:42):
kind of the way that churches do. I want a
relationship devotional from to be Better or the Good Wives
like churches do at the start of the year. And
that's where you lost me, because I don't know what
that is. What a devotional is this like a book
where you guys have prompts for the entire year or
like monthly. I don't understand what that is. And I
was going to ask, but you started reading and I
just like it go in and I realized I had
missed the beginning part of what you're saying.

Speaker 3 (21:03):
When I hear devotional, I hear religion.

Speaker 4 (21:05):
Well that's what she said. It's like they do at church, gotcha.
But I don't know what that is like. It's just
like the year. We're going to be going through the
books of Deuteronomy and John like I don't know. It
has prompts for the entire year, one day at a time,
and you can fill it out or you can add
inspirational quotes for Bible verses or whatever people believe in
as the daily affirmations every day. That's a whole lot

(21:27):
of work for two people to try to put together
at three hundred and sixty five page of prompts.

Speaker 3 (21:32):
Yeah, that's not lighting up anything in my brain right now.

Speaker 4 (21:34):
It's not from either could make chat ept do it though,
that's true.

Speaker 2 (21:39):
I'm kidding.

Speaker 3 (21:41):
Okay, so I know we just started an email.

Speaker 5 (21:43):
Guys, babe, have you heard about the all of the
uproar around the new South Park episodes? Okay, so I
was really big in the South Park. I dropped off
after Randy bought the farm to grow wink right, and

(22:03):
I haven't really been in touch with South Park and
and keeping up with the things that they're talking about
in the scandals and whatnot. But the first two episodes
of the newest season are centered around Donald Trump. That
in those two episodes, Randy is using chat GPT to
figure out whether he's rational or not and being upset
over something, and chat GPT is being over affectionate, like
that's a great idea, you're so smart. Here are some

(22:25):
ideas the way that it does, and he's doing this
whole back and forth. He's like, it's really great to
have somebody to talk to you, and chat GPT is like,
I'll always be here for you whenever it says he's okay,
and it pans out, he puts his phone down and
his wife is laying in bedex to him, super pissed
off because she's there to talk.

Speaker 3 (22:41):
To you about these kinds of things.

Speaker 5 (22:42):
And he goes good night, honey, and chat GPT goes,
good night, You're gonna do great tomorrow. I was like,
but like, the reliance that people have on chat GPT
is insane.

Speaker 2 (22:52):
I know.

Speaker 4 (22:53):
And there's a whole lot of studies right now being
released that it is atrophy in our brain because we
no longer have to problem solved.

Speaker 3 (22:59):
I can't think, okay, we got there. Back to it.

Speaker 2 (23:02):
Bandit gaming real quick said.

Speaker 4 (23:03):
I love that Chris said about journaling because my busy
work to focus is writing down what I'm listening to.
I'm actually doing journal general. I am up doing journal
props every Sunday in the men's group, I have a
different prompt every week.

Speaker 3 (23:16):
I love that.

Speaker 4 (23:17):
Yep, I went through and planned out all of August
so that all I get is copy and paste what's
in my notepad. And then at the end of this month,
I'll create another one for September, and I will just
be doing a journal prompt once a week until the
end of the year. Ye I can give you one.
I can tell you what it is, since by the
time this airs it'll have been months. Journal prompt Where
am I avoiding discomfort? And how is it holding me back?

(23:40):
The list that like the little sub thing that I've
got says list the areas of life, and in parentheses
I wrote fitness, work, relationships, or personal growth, et cetera.
Where you have chosen comfort over progress. Then write one
small action that you can take this week to lean
into that discomfort, and the goal is to use the
same journal prop every single day because at the end
of the week you have six new things or seven
new things where you're able to go and do and learn.

Speaker 3 (24:03):
I like that. Yeah, I can't.

Speaker 5 (24:05):
I don't do weekly prompts journal prompts. I'm going to
mull that over and see if I could handle doing that.
Because I'm doing the weekly challenges. I also do like
many challenges for the month. I want to share mine
because you share yours.

Speaker 4 (24:18):
I make so many notes throughout the day. Yeah, Like
anytime I'm listening to a podcast, if something triggers a thought,
I open my note document in it and I type
out something. And that's that's helpful for me going into
the men's group, because there's things that I wouldn't have
otherwise thought of.

Speaker 2 (24:31):
I'm also going to be.

Speaker 4 (24:32):
Giving all all of the men who come to the
men's retreat a journal, a leather bound like you know,
buy a buy it off Etsy. I love that, so
they have like a refillable journal that they can keep
with them.

Speaker 5 (24:43):
So I give many challenges to both of my women's groups.
It's the same thing for both groups because I don't
want to put more brain power, right, I'll have to
charge more. The many challenges, well, the one for this
month is to live life as if you're the lead
lead character in a film about you know, awakening and
self love and going through this journey that you're going on,

(25:04):
pretty much romanticizing your own life to not want to
off yourself. Yeah, and this included curating a soundtrack for
your day. So picking out music that makes you feel good,
where's something that makes you feel expressive or free, creative?
Narrate your life internally like a novel. I do this
all the time. And he came around the corner and

(25:25):
gazed at me.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
It's funny.

Speaker 5 (25:30):
Take at least one photo or a short video of
your main character moment to share with the group, if
you're comfortable in doing so. So. It could be like
you're wearing your best outfit and taking a picture at
your favorite spot in front of the lake, in front
of your favorite tree with a book. I want to
see you be happy in your life. I'm pretty excited
about that child.

Speaker 4 (25:48):
What was the name of that chick that you were
talking about that fell in love with their psychiatrist went crazy, Kendra.

Speaker 2 (25:53):
Somebody in the chat just asked about that.

Speaker 5 (25:55):
Yep, she used chat GPT. She would go to chat GPT.
She named it Henry. I went down the whole word.

Speaker 4 (26:01):
Well, that's what they asked, specifically, said the lady seeing Kendra,
the lady who fell in love with the psychiatrist and
is totally manic and possible AI psychosis.

Speaker 3 (26:11):
Yep.

Speaker 5 (26:11):
So from my understanding, she's up to thirty tiktoks talking
about all of this. She's exposing herself with the things
that she's saying.

Speaker 3 (26:17):
Yes, and she used chat GPT. She said that even
chat GPT.

Speaker 5 (26:24):
Recognized that there was something wrong in their relationship. And guys,
I'm not gonna lie. After watching that the whole thing
with Kendra using chat GPT to validate her own delusions,
and then watching Randy on South Park use chat GPT
to validate his own emotions and become emotionally entwined with it,
I just I can't unsee it now.

Speaker 2 (26:47):
Yep, yep, all right, let's go back to the email.

Speaker 5 (26:51):
I was an oiled Field wife for eight and a
half years and went through some pretty horrible times, everything
from being held at gunpoint with three babies to moving
two states away from any and all family with little
hope of ever escaping. I was young, scared dealing with
bipolar type one and an autoimmune disease, and DV made
me so sick.

Speaker 4 (27:09):
Wow, what what a transition from that conversation back to
the email. Yeah it was jarring as fuck for.

Speaker 2 (27:15):
Me just now.

Speaker 3 (27:15):
Yeah, that fucked me up a little bit.

Speaker 4 (27:17):
I think you should when you deep dive things like
this and you have these like fucking obsessions, we should
do content based off of it.

Speaker 3 (27:23):
Okay, I'm for that. I can make notes and I
don't have to do.

Speaker 2 (27:25):
Shit to sit here. It's fucking great for me. Easy word.

Speaker 3 (27:29):
You're not going to be right.

Speaker 2 (27:30):
But see that's just it.

Speaker 4 (27:31):
Like, if you don't tell me any of this ship,
I'd be like, no, what what happened next? I'm fucking
invested right now. Like this chick is crazy as ship.
I want to number but we're in the middle of
an episode. Like this is content.

Speaker 3 (27:43):
We can stop everything. I can make some notes, kidding.

Speaker 2 (27:46):
We can.

Speaker 4 (27:47):
We can do another episode later. That's that and just
release it as Friday content if you want. But like that,
that's that's the whole last episode.

Speaker 3 (27:54):
I want to do it as Patreon only.

Speaker 4 (27:55):
People enjoy it. Somebody said that this is just like
when she talked about you.

Speaker 3 (28:00):
Oh yeah, I enjoy talking about.

Speaker 2 (28:03):
You any I know you'd like talking about me.

Speaker 5 (28:06):
I know. So everything that this young woman has gone through,
I don't know her childhood. I don't know what her
upbringing looks like. There is the quote unquote normal childhood right,
very minimal abuse. Didn't know what it looked like to
have alcoholic parents, people crashing on couches in and out
of the house, whatever the case may be.

Speaker 2 (28:23):
Are we talking about the emails?

Speaker 3 (28:24):
An email?

Speaker 5 (28:26):
So if somebody had a more cushioned upbringing, they are
less likely like a healthy upbringing. They know how to
set boundaries, they know how to stand up for themselves,
they know they're not going to tolerate certain things, whatever
the case may be. Trauma can happen that can make
somebody more susceptible to falling into abusive situations, even if
they had the near perfect upbringing, whatever the case may be.

(28:49):
But there's something that has to happen in somebody for
them to to slip into these situations, right Because abuse
like this doesn't start right off the bat. It's a
gradual increasing of intensity until it gets to the point
to where you're being held it right with your children right.
That is why community is so important and taking things

(29:09):
not personally is so important. If I had a friend
who just got into a relationship and I was able
to see red flags that she wasn't seeing, and I
started verbalizing, hey, there is a concern that things might
become physical. I've heard him yelling at you and calling
you names. What if it escalates those kinds of things.
Those need to be open minded conversations and taken to heart.

Speaker 2 (29:29):
What would you do if they won't listen? Because that's
the reality, That is.

Speaker 3 (29:33):
The reality of it.

Speaker 5 (29:34):
I'm not going to get sucked into the tornado, because
that's what abusive relationships are. They are tornadoes of chaos
and toxicity.

Speaker 3 (29:43):
I'm not going to get pulled into that.

Speaker 5 (29:44):
But I will be waiting underneath the medic tent once
you're able to or if you scream you need help
and you decided you're done, I'm not going to beg
somebody to leave their relationship. They have to make that
choice for themselves. I'm commenting on more that people need
to be open to. You might not know what's best
for you in this moment right now. Yeah, and that's
always taken with you know, the people you surround yourself

(30:06):
matters too. If you're surrounded with slimy people who don't
care about your best interest, and you're more easily susceptible
to be taken advantage of. When you're in an emotionally
upset state, or you're in a relationship where you're always
a damsel in distress, whatever the case may be, you're
easier to take advantage of. People will want to keep
you in that position to make their own lives easier.

Speaker 4 (30:28):
On the other side of that coin, and there are
also people that will try to sabotage your relationship because
they know that once people get into relationships, friends circles
fall apart.

Speaker 3 (30:34):
That's true. Yeah, gosh, the human experience is so complex,
isn't it. It's a lot, it is.

Speaker 5 (30:41):
You know. This also could boil down to like, what
if she didn't have a father in the home and
doesn't know what it looks like to have a good,
strong masculine presence. What if she had a present mother,
but the mother was doing an appropriate or abusive things
to herself, right dating a pattern of men brought into
the home. Daughter saw that kind of lifestyle, didn't know
anything otherwise, it could be a whole wealth of things.

(31:05):
Don't isolate yourself, guys, especially as women. I know we
as women are capable, and we are strong, and we
can defend ourselves. Getting into situations like this, being by
yourself is almost a death sentence.

Speaker 2 (31:19):
Yep, not almost, It can become.

Speaker 3 (31:24):
I said almost, because some women do get out of it.

Speaker 4 (31:26):
Right, Well, it could become a death sentence. There are
women who are murdered because they don't leave violent situations.

Speaker 3 (31:32):
Right, So I thought I was the problem. For years.

Speaker 5 (31:35):
I tried everything from shadow work, self reflection, communication without
accusatory tones, and even giving him space to continue his
porn addiction and dating app escapades.

Speaker 4 (31:44):
Real quick, Yes, how crazy is it? We barely really,
very rarely do TikTok lives anymore, right because TikTok is acsessible.
But knowing that, that's how this started for us three
years ago, and we were doing them regularly in the beginning,
were a little little quick interaction with this chick on
TikTok literally saved her life, like it changed right, right,

(32:06):
that's fucked up. It's crazy like those our real shit,
our TikTok interactions with people are less than a minute
unless we start bullshitting and the chat gets misread. But
when we go live on TikTok, the chat is moving
so fast that unless moderators are there to pen comments,
we can't even read the fucking comments section. So we

(32:27):
are giving very small snippets of what we are able
to ascertain from one hundred and sixty characters giving advice. So,
I mean, I don't know if that was one of
those things where it was early on and there was
only one hundred people in there, and like it was
multiple texts that we were able to help her out with,
But like, what we do really fucking matters, even if
it's just a TikTok live like that. It's fucking crazy.

Speaker 5 (32:47):
It is crazy to think about, absolutely insane. Everybody who's
listening right now, I need you to hear this. Some
people are not going to change for you. No, some
people don't love you enough to want to change.

Speaker 4 (33:03):
I don't believe that anybody changes for you. I don't
believe anybody will. I think that somebody might love you
enough to want to change themselves to be better for you,
but nobody changes for you.

Speaker 3 (33:15):
I didn't say for you.

Speaker 4 (33:16):
I know, I'm clarifying that, like, that's that's not how
things work in life.

Speaker 2 (33:20):
So if you're.

Speaker 4 (33:22):
One of those women who, like I believed I could
change them, or I believed I would be enough that
he would change, that's not how it has to work.
Like No, they have to want to be that motherfucker
for you or be the best version of themselves to
make you happy like that. It's a very different thing than
trying to change someone. You're not capable of changing another
human being. You just can't.

Speaker 5 (33:38):
Yes, I feel the need to say boundaries are an
acceptable thing to have in a relationship. And if you
are scared of saying I don't want to be with
a man who has a porn addiction because there is
a worry of abandonment or whatever the case may be,
you're choosing unhappiness because it is more uncomfortable for you
to set that boundary and have them walk away than

(33:58):
it is to accept that. Just respect and all of
the chaos, the mental illness that the spirals, the hate
that can come from it.

Speaker 3 (34:07):
Oh, I was going somewhere with that. There is a.

Speaker 5 (34:12):
Desperateness that's not the word disparity, that's not the wordy.
I feel like that's not desperateness there, but extreme, like
to the point where you think you're gonna die if
you're not in a relationship with somebody. If your boundaries
caused somebody to walk away from you, that wasn't your person.

Speaker 2 (34:34):
Absolutely, If your.

Speaker 5 (34:35):
Boundaries caused somebody to walk away from you, that wasn't
your person. All right, get that tattooed on you, your love,
your voices, and your advice. Planted that seat and gave
me the confirmation I needed within myself to leave. I
left August twenty eighth, twenty twenty four, with two bags
of wet clothes for my kids. My ex began throwing
things and telling my kids I was taking them and

(34:58):
they never see their dad again. So, as the middle
of washing their school clothes, I unloaded the washer into
garbage bags and left before he escalated good good for you,
Oh god, I got no problem killing for my kids.
That's all I'm gonna say. Because I'm going, I'm going
with it. It makes me so angry that I'm just

(35:20):
gonna speak on this context. People abuse people, right, men, women,
whatever the case may be. But in this specific context,
when men believe that it is okay for them to
frighten and intimidate and scare and abuse women and children.

Speaker 2 (35:33):
You're fucking disgusting and it always escalates.

Speaker 5 (35:36):
Uh, continuing, The scariest part was trying to call for
help and trying to leave with him in the house
at the time. He had quit his job, was not
allowing me to use or even access have access to
car keys or debit cards, and was constantly checking my phone.
My only opportunity to talk to others was when I
was on TikTok because he saw it as my way
of bringing in an income. So I U said, as

(35:59):
the time to make my plan and call for help.
That's smart as fuck.

Speaker 2 (36:02):
It is.

Speaker 3 (36:02):
That is smart as fuck. I have to compile this.

Speaker 5 (36:07):
But there are apps that you can use that are
disguised for domestic violence. Help yeap and it is it
is not plain scene. Whatever the case may be. Look
into your resources. This guy quit his job and stayed home.
I believe with how he sounds, but he did that
because we can have more control over everything. Probably there

(36:29):
are so many resources out there for you, and you
need to reach out to them before it gets to
this point.

Speaker 3 (36:36):
This is terrifying to think about.

Speaker 5 (36:38):
I know that there's a whole psychology behind the women
going back seven times before they finally leave.

Speaker 3 (36:44):
I get it.

Speaker 5 (36:45):
I understand the psychology. I lived it. I went through
my childhood with it. I fucking understand it. I've done it.
I get it. I fit. I haven't done it. I
have not gone back to somebody who was physically abusive
with me. When I left, I left, I was done.
I thought about going back because the comfort of being
in that relationship was less scary than trying to figure

(37:05):
out my life on my own with two kids. Hearing
stories like this, the escape stories, the things that women
do to get to safety with their children. I don't
understand there's a beatdown that happens. There's a breakdown there
is you don't view yourself as a person anymore. And
that's what devastates me. I'm not angry that women go back.

(37:27):
It breaks my heart because I know it's not just
a grown woman going back. It's a little girl who's
devastated and just wants to be loved. And that is
why we need community continuing. It's been almost one year exactly,
and I am now a medical professional, a phlebotomist, and
started working at a hospital on seven fourteen, and I'm
continuing my education to get my medical assistant and EKG

(37:48):
technician the bah blah and EKG Technician certifications. The road
hasn't been easy. Hell, it's been a roller coaster of blood,
sweat and tears, but I made it. Lastly, i'd like
to say that I know you both receive harsh criticism
and treatment from rumors of suspected abuse in the relationship
to people trying to use your past against you, and

(38:08):
it can be draining, but please don't ever quit.

Speaker 2 (38:12):
I don't see that happening.

Speaker 4 (38:14):
We personally have talked that, like I would like to
see this become like a decade long career for us,
But I also know that, like I know that we
are affecting change in people's lives, and that is enough
to want to keep going. Right, So like us going okay,
we're just done with the podcast is not going to happen.
As long as people are listening and gaining value and
we are able to continue to grow what we're doing,

(38:34):
we're going to keep doing it. And like that's just
on a we want to help people level. If you
want to talk about this on a work in business level,
like we work a part time job essentially because we
have employees now that help do things like this is
the best job I've ever had in my fucking life,
and I tattooed that was my dream job. This way
supersedes that, and that's because there is an emotional fulfillment

(38:58):
that comes from this that I don't get from from tattooing, Right, So.

Speaker 2 (39:03):
I don't know.

Speaker 4 (39:04):
I reader a quick one to touch something on the
chat and then we can get back to that. Somebody
said reading the articles that you sent me on trauma
bonding is crazy, and it's a big eye opener. We
are two people who have opinions on the internet. We
are not coached or we're not a therapist, we're not
professional doctorates. There's no license to anything that goes on here.
But what we are are two people with a whole
lot of a life experience and somebody that talks for

(39:26):
a living about relationships. So we do a lot of
fucking research. The only difference is we haven't been tested
on any of this shit other than through the trial
and fire of our own marriage. So if we're giving
advice to somebody, it's because we truly believe that that's
the best thing for them. We're not going to give
lip service to people or just talk shit because that's
what's expected. If you guys are paying us for coaching

(39:48):
or you're in our discording, you're asking for advice, you're
getting honesty from us. And if your relationship is something
where we go we really think that you should leave,
that's not something that we put lightly. We're here to
save marriages, not end relationships. So if you're in a
relationship and we're like, you should fucking leave that relationship,
like we told this an emailer, you need to fucking

(40:08):
listen to us.

Speaker 5 (40:09):
Yeah, continuing, you saved both me and my children. I
may have done the work, created the plan, and took
the steps to leave, but the days before I came
into your life, I thought, I truly believe my only
way out would be suicide.

Speaker 3 (40:23):
I figured investigations.

Speaker 5 (40:24):
Would open and my family would take my babies and
I'd finally be free. But you made me see a
different path. Keep going, keep helping people, keep speaking up
and speaking out. With sincere gratitude of many blessings over
you and your family. I'm so proud of this woman,
and aliving yourself would have definitely been the easier way
to do it.

Speaker 2 (40:45):
It would have been, And that's the trick that the
devil plays on us to get us to.

Speaker 5 (40:49):
The greatest gift that children have are mothers. And I'm
glad that you didn't take that away from them, and
I'm glad that you didn't deprive yourself the miracle of
being able to raise them.

Speaker 3 (40:58):
Glad I didn't do my makeup today.

Speaker 2 (41:00):
Yep.

Speaker 4 (41:01):
Was not expecting there to be an emotional reaction today. No,
right now, it's problem solve.

Speaker 5 (41:07):
So this has five year relationship and then a note
from Janey says there are updates coming.

Speaker 3 (41:11):
That's why there is a two year old email.

Speaker 4 (41:13):
First, Holy shit, Okay, I hope to god we're not
two years behind on regular emails.

Speaker 3 (41:23):
That's crazy, did it.

Speaker 5 (41:25):
I'm sorry this is a long one, but I'll try
to make it as concise as possible. I'm twenty two
years old, my boyfriend is twenty five, and we are
really struggling right now. We have been together for five years,
and then the first four we were together we had
a lot of problems with him begging me to put
effort into us, well with me begging him to put
effort into us and him fighting me every step of
the way. He didn't even get a job for these

(41:46):
four years. I did my best to be understanding because
we were a long distance I am from New York
and he lives all the way out in Australia.

Speaker 4 (41:53):
So you guys are like long long distance, not just
long y'all are in different time zone, not just different
time zone, like we're different hemispheres.

Speaker 3 (42:01):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (42:02):
I can see why this email is two years old,
because if I had access to the inbox, I have
saw that and be like, I'm not reading this shit.
I'm I'm gonna be an asshole right now.

Speaker 3 (42:12):
I've und say I'm gonna be real honest.

Speaker 5 (42:13):
In the fifth people off, if you're in a long
distance relationship and one person is in a different continent,
that's not a real relationship, right.

Speaker 4 (42:19):
Well, I mean I actually agree with that, But what's
the reality of you two actually they're realistically? Like percentage wise,
what do you think the percentages are that you two
are going to actually come together one day and live
under union?

Speaker 3 (42:32):
Who's going to uproot?

Speaker 5 (42:33):
Right?

Speaker 4 (42:34):
You guys are in your early twenties at the time
of this email, this was two years ago. She's twenty two,
he's twenty five, lives on another continent in a different
fucking hemisphere. Like the reality is is you guys are
just Internet buddies. Yeah, if you look at true data,
long term relationships normally don't work out anyways. You add

(42:55):
all of that distance and their age to it, like
your percentages of overcoming this and it actually being successful
goes weigh the fuck down. Doesn't mean that there's not
a chance that it could work, because it could. Oh yeah,
but you need to be a realist, very realistic. I
dated a dude in Italy once.

Speaker 5 (43:13):
The only time we could talk was after midnight my
time or after midnight his time. Yeah, it's like we
would alternate days on who was staying up until four
o'clock in the morning so we could have a two
hour video chat. Ruined my life. My mental health went
into the garbage. I started shutting out real life people

(43:33):
to focus on this one Internet interaction.

Speaker 4 (43:36):
Yeah, banit gaming said, less than zero point zero zero
three percent is the statistic. Yeah, that's insane to think about. Yeah,
like if you're looking at like that's that's if we're
looking at grams, like that's not even a milligram right right,
Like that's crazy. We're talking like micrograms at that level.

Speaker 5 (43:58):
Yeah, insane, Now what I did say that? So this
extreme long distance, I believe, is not a real relationship.
If you're living in Alabama and your long distance is
living in California, and you guys make a point to
see each other every other month or every three months,
that's a relationship. You're building in time, quality time together,
experiencing life that's not in front of a screen. If

(44:20):
you've been in a relationship with somebody for four years
and you only know their picture on a phone or
a computer and their voice through the phone, like you've
not had skin, skin contact, we haven't hugged, you haven't
helped me while I was sick, all of those kinds
of things. It really is the facade of a relationship.

(44:40):
It's so surface level.

Speaker 2 (44:41):
It's still an avoid Yeah.

Speaker 5 (44:44):
It feels separate from reality because you have your in
physical life and then you have this one little tiny
bubble that means so much to you, but it's.

Speaker 2 (44:54):
All digital, right, it's an illusion.

Speaker 3 (44:56):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (44:57):
One in three hundred thousand, Well, I found out that
they had been cheating on me the entire way through
our relationship with eight different girls online. Most of them
didn't go further than him just flirting with them. However,
he had a full blown relationship with a mutual best
friend of ours that they both kept for me. It
destroyed me in so many ways and we split up
for six months. Oh God, don't tell me you take

(45:18):
them back. A dude cheated on you from Australia and
you think you can't do better than that.

Speaker 4 (45:24):
Right, I mean there's a whole lot that goes into this,
and you want to talk about like the psychology of
what's going on with people now, right, there are people
who are in relationships with chat GPT, Yes, yes there
are right, So like this, this is where society is going.
And as we live our life inside of this digital construct,
we are going to be less likely to have human

(45:45):
interactions and it's going to feel a whole lot more normal. Yes,
And if you guys are able to watch each other
pleasure yourselves and you get your fulfillment that way, even
though there's no actual intercourse like that could be enough
for some people.

Speaker 2 (45:56):
I don't get it.

Speaker 4 (45:57):
I actually saw something online the other day where somebody
was talking in comments and it wasn't to me at
this point. But there was a guy in there who
was like talking shit to an older guy who was
probably in his late late thirties, and he was like,
you probably still think the only way to meet people
is in person instead of their dating apps, because the
younger generation is digital. And like I was watching, I
read the entire interaction. It was like forty five between

(46:20):
the two people, and there were so many times I
wanted to jump in and interject into this because they
were right on both accounts, and like, because of what
we do, I feel like an authority and I should
jump in there and do something.

Speaker 3 (46:30):
But like in the grand scheme of it, you're nobody.

Speaker 2 (46:33):
I am fucking nobody. Right.

Speaker 4 (46:35):
We have our own little sphere of people who know
who we are, but beyond that, we are no one's
And I get that. But the dude who was like, yeah,
I do believe you should go and meet people in person,
like your relationships should be strengthened by proximity, and he's
like making all these valid points, and this kid was like,
you just don't understand our life. Now I do understand
your life.

Speaker 2 (46:52):
Now.

Speaker 4 (46:52):
You guys are choosing cold technology, black mirror shit over
warm interactions with people. Yes, and then wonder why you
can't have a real relationship like you and I have. Like,
it's fucking insane to me.

Speaker 5 (47:02):
Yeah, you remember that episode of Black Mirror where they
had they can rewind their life in front of them,
they can project it. Yes, there were scenes in that
where they were having sex, but they weren't present in
the moment. They were watching something from the past, like
the greatest moment of sex they've ever had, So they're
not even enjoying it in the moment.

Speaker 3 (47:22):
They're enjoying a past moment while having an action happening.

Speaker 5 (47:25):
It's insane to me, right, like, absolutely and absolutely bonkers.

Speaker 4 (47:30):
You guys have to make a choice, yeah, because this
is a decision, you know what I mean. Like, if
you're choosing to live in that technology and that's where
you want to be, you're not going to get the
things that you're claiming that you're wanting out of out
of watching our podcast, you know what I mean? Like
that that's not what we do. I don't believe that
you were ever going to be truly satisfied and fulfilled
in a relationship being that far away. You're not real

(47:53):
and in the event that you've been with somebody for
ten years on the internet and they meet somebody in
real life and there's that hand touch of the bar,
we're at the coffee shop, and there's a smile and
their warmth is there. You don't are fatter in the
stomach in ten years.

Speaker 5 (48:06):
That shit.

Speaker 4 (48:06):
You don't matter at all. You're a digital presence. You're
a fucking typing on a screen. This person is here
in front of me right now. I don't you're in
another country. I don't have to worry about you.

Speaker 5 (48:15):
Yeah, continuing it destroyed me in so many ways, and
we split up for six months. I felt like I
was dead without him, and the fact that I was
in college and working two jobs, practically killing myself so
I could raise money to go see him while he
was sexting our best friend just killed me inside.

Speaker 2 (48:30):
Technically, that's all he's doing with you.

Speaker 3 (48:32):
That is true. He was sexting with you.

Speaker 5 (48:35):
We don't have shared best friends, and we don't have
a mutual female best friend. That that's middle school shit
to me.

Speaker 4 (48:43):
I was trying really hard to prove you wrong. Why
because there's got to be like I was like, no,
we definitely have mutual friends. And then we definitely have
same sex friends that are mutual. We don't mutual best friends, right,
well no, right, but even that, like we don't like.
I was gonna be like, well, what about Jenny, because
we're both really close to Jenny, but it's not the
same thing. I talk to her in a group chat

(49:05):
once in a while, and you talk to her all
the time. So you're absolutely correct in that. It's just
weird to think about because these people are still friends
and I do view them that way, but context matters. Yeah, right,
I don't know. Sometimes it's good for us to argue
on the podcast.

Speaker 3 (49:19):
I agree, okay, something.

Speaker 2 (49:22):
No, I really don't.

Speaker 3 (49:23):
Okay, let's say I can think about something.

Speaker 4 (49:25):
I really don't have it in me to do that.
But I was I was trying to be the opposite
side of the coiner, like you know what about this
devil's advocate, Yeah, the devil's advocate.

Speaker 2 (49:32):
There was nothing there.

Speaker 5 (49:33):
You're right when I people also use terms lucy goosey. Yeah,
they'll think that an acquaintance is a friend and they
can go to them over everything, but then they overstep
and they overshare, whatever the case may be. When I
hear best friend, I think of somebody that I can find.
I can find in somebody I go to when i'm
emotionally not okay, somebody I share my ones with. I

(49:53):
think of you. I think of Jenna buff Bell, right.
I don't have a male best friend that I tell
things to outside of my husband. You get that side
of me, and then if I have something I want
to share, I can post it on Facebook. I don't
need outside male attention outside of my husband.

Speaker 2 (50:13):
I agree, I don't need to need it from women.
So I get it. But I was also not going
that route either when I was trying to think of
an argument.

Speaker 5 (50:22):
Oh, I wasn't going a route on anything that was
just a deeper dig.

Speaker 2 (50:27):
I guess, look to your job. I don't need your gratitude.

Speaker 3 (50:43):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (50:44):
It's funny somebody in the chats like, you guys can't fight.
We've actually had this, like big disagreements on the podcast
and it's got posted and people were like, you guys
handled that so well.

Speaker 2 (50:55):
I'm like, yeah, that's us fighting. It's what's what our
arguments look.

Speaker 3 (50:58):
Like minus cussing.

Speaker 2 (51:01):
Yeah, well I still cuss.

Speaker 3 (51:03):
Were you gonna add something to that?

Speaker 2 (51:05):
I don't even remember what we were talking about.

Speaker 5 (51:06):
You're like devil's advocate, like, I'm not going to a
male sharing these exact things I share with you as
my husband.

Speaker 4 (51:12):
I agree with all that. That was not what I
disagreed with. There was something that you said. Now I
was gonna be like, what about but I agreed with
it too. It's gone. It doesn't matter. I was trying
to be funny and okay, it was relevant.

Speaker 5 (51:25):
It's crazy that you can have an emotional tie.

Speaker 3 (51:29):
Right.

Speaker 5 (51:30):
This is how we know that emotions aren't real. You
have never spent a day with this man in your life.
Don't know what it's like to be held by him,
get kissed by him, feel his breath on your neck,
and you felt dead because you couldn't talk to him
on the phone. Right, That that is that emotional tie.
If this was a guy who was heinous to you

(51:50):
and you never loved him, you wouldn't bet an eye
at this.

Speaker 2 (51:53):
Right.

Speaker 3 (51:53):
It purely is.

Speaker 5 (51:54):
The emotional connection that you have to him that he
clearly doesn't have back to you.

Speaker 2 (51:58):
He's spilling some some sort of avoid in her life.

Speaker 3 (52:00):
Yeah, I would.

Speaker 5 (52:01):
I would put money on the fact that he doesn't
view these women as people. He uses us things to
satisfy himself in the moment when he wants it.

Speaker 3 (52:08):
On the other side of a screen. You're not a person,
You're just words.

Speaker 4 (52:10):
Yeah, there's something to do to kill time. Somebody said
it's like fighting with plastic spoons. I would like to
think that if we were fencing, it would be with
sports that way. We would still kind of poke each other,
but you would just bend or we did it so
it would only kind of.

Speaker 3 (52:25):
Hurt scratch you.

Speaker 2 (52:26):
Oh you would, wouldn't you.

Speaker 3 (52:27):
Yeah, I would raw. I'd somehow get yours away from
you so I can.

Speaker 5 (52:33):
Be like, Oh, I can start doing like like making
biscuits on your thigh or something.

Speaker 3 (52:42):
I'm gonna start doing.

Speaker 2 (52:43):
That, making biscuits on my thigh.

Speaker 3 (52:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (52:46):
When I want to lay down and get comfy on you, Oh,
you're gonna need me, Like, yeah, you can't.

Speaker 3 (52:51):
Making biscuits.

Speaker 2 (52:52):
That's funny.

Speaker 3 (52:54):
Yeah, is it not called making biscuits?

Speaker 2 (52:57):
That's what I always called it too.

Speaker 4 (52:58):
But I would you were having sports in your hands
and into making biscuits. I don't know where I thought
we went to food now, Like, okay, let's talk about food.

Speaker 3 (53:05):
I continuing.

Speaker 5 (53:07):
It was honest, It honestly was very traumatic and I
was so depressed to the point of being suicidal.

Speaker 2 (53:12):
Jesus, where's your self worth?

Speaker 3 (53:14):
Have you had an in person relationship or was this
your first first love.

Speaker 5 (53:20):
Being with this guy? I I couldn't imagine that being
suicidal over somebody I've never met in person. This, this
really shows the psychological hold people can have on one another.

Speaker 2 (53:33):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (53:34):
Crazy.

Speaker 4 (53:35):
You know what's crazy is is people go to suicide
for everything. Now, yes, it was. It would be just
it would just be easier than working through my problems.
Of course it would. That's the fucking point. That's That's
how the enemy gets you to do shit like that.
And if you live that, well, it would just be
easier and you never get stronger. That's how your entire
life is going to be.

Speaker 5 (53:55):
If your default when things get really hard, right like
this breakup happening, or betrayal or whatever the case, this
is life.

Speaker 3 (54:02):
Life is going to happen.

Speaker 5 (54:04):
Somebody else is going to betray you, somebody else is
going to hurt your feelings, somebody else is going to
say something to intentionally upset you. And if your first
default is well, I'm going to kill myself, that'll be easier.
You have zero emotional regulation skills.

Speaker 2 (54:15):
You also don't love yourself right.

Speaker 5 (54:18):
There are so many steps that are being missed, and
you're jumping like eighty of them to get to that
final extreme endpoint. That also tells me that you were
failed by the people in your life and weren't show
how to properly love yourself through bad things happening.

Speaker 2 (54:32):
She was twenty two years old when she wrote this.

Speaker 4 (54:34):
Yeah, and for perspective, at twenty two years old, she
had a you know, a year long couple, year, year
long online relationship, online pen pal that when it ended,
almost decided to make her remove herself from existence from
an illusion.

Speaker 5 (54:50):
Yes, I think that also speaks to how desperate we
are as humans to feel connection.

Speaker 2 (54:56):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (54:56):
Well, we're more connected and more disconnected at the same
time than we've ever been in human history.

Speaker 2 (55:01):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (55:02):
Continuing during these six months, however, he finally got a
job and even decided to start therapy. He dropped all
of his friends say encourage his behavior, and treated me terribly,
including his best friend that he was messing around with.

Speaker 3 (55:14):
I'm gonna pause again.

Speaker 5 (55:15):
I really do stand on the hill that it takes
a very very v it's a very very small percentage
that I believe that men and women can be best
friends without becoming sexual or tension or somebody gaining feelings
in that relationship. And now I'm also going to extend
that the therapists and psychologists. I think that men should
be therapized and psychologized by men and women by women.

(55:36):
Because this kindred chick is losing her rocker. And this
happens far more often in the mental health field than
people want to talk about. And this man is now
being dogs.

Speaker 4 (55:45):
You know that that happens a lot with borderline personality patients.

Speaker 3 (55:49):
I thought that this morning too.

Speaker 4 (55:50):
Yeah, it's documented, like that's not a you know, it's
not me talking shit like that is a very common thing.
The therapist becomes the favorite person people would be the
fall in love with them. They feel seen right right,
and then you know, when there's a meltdown, it's a
whole fucking thing.

Speaker 3 (56:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (56:04):
I read a comment when I say that there are
so many people who have done who have done deep
dives on that chick.

Speaker 3 (56:10):
There was a woman who was a nurse.

Speaker 5 (56:12):
In the comment, she said that I have started to
be less kind, like she's still professional, but there is
not that warmth behind her professionalism anymore with male patients
patience because any inkling of kindness or whatever the case
may be, they think that she's into them and they'll
make a move on her. Like she's had to distance
herself from those kinds of things because people don't know

(56:33):
how to interact in person anymore. They don't know what
it's like to be treated like a person or to
be sexually intrigued by.

Speaker 4 (56:39):
The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is
responsible for social interactions, has atrophied over the last twenty years. Yes,
because we are not doing in person interactions the way
that we used to be.

Speaker 5 (56:51):
And we're using chat GPTH to chat GPT to play
Kate's not the word indulge.

Speaker 4 (57:00):
Well, you know that chat GPT just came up with
version five now and version five is more personal. So, like,
I watched a podcast yesterday and one of the it
was from somebody it might have been you know, it
was yesterday.

Speaker 2 (57:15):
Uh.

Speaker 4 (57:15):
The guy that was on the podcast is one of
the developers, like the main developers of chat GPT, and
he said that when you're on there, like if you
log into your chat GPT and you use it, it
becomes so familiar with you, that it can diagnose your personality.
And if you log out of it and try to
use chat GPT, that you get a very different version
of chat GPT when you're not logged in. And it's
because it saves every interaction that you have and it

(57:37):
starts forming opinions and thoughts and basis off of who
you are.

Speaker 3 (57:41):
Yeah, information about you, right, the data.

Speaker 4 (57:44):
Yeah, it's a whole lot of it's a whole lot
of craziness that goes in all that. Yeah, but chat
GPT five is going to be it is a much
more evolved, personalized version, Like it's not just a cold
robot anymore.

Speaker 5 (57:58):
Yeah, we were talking again and on a whim, I
invited him to stay with me for a month. Things
escalated and honestly I had the best month of my
life with him.

Speaker 4 (58:07):
Oh he actually flew from Australia. Yeah, okay, I love that.

Speaker 5 (58:13):
That's effort, that's money invested, that's time. People fucking around
don't tend to do that, right, So.

Speaker 2 (58:20):
Especially from Australia, we looked into that.

Speaker 3 (58:22):
Yeah, it's not cheap. Especially going to New York.

Speaker 5 (58:26):
We did all kinds of stuff, seeing museums and all
sorts of beautiful scenery in parks, and we even traveled
to Sleepy Hollow. It was amazing. He left us on
good terms and we got back together. It's now been
another six months or so since we've gotten back together.
Now here comes the issue.

Speaker 2 (58:41):
Okay, we had a pause before move. I can't, I
can't just let this go.

Speaker 4 (58:44):
Okay, you know that every time we go on vacation,
we get closer than we've ever been. Yeah, because we
are in strange environment together. We're seeing new sites, we're
doing a whole new thing, new foods and new whatever.
It's not on our phones, not on our phones. It's
a very different life when we're outside of our town
and outside of our house. He's in another country. You
are the only lifeline that he has here. You're his ride,
you're his place to stay. That whirlwind of love and

(59:07):
great feeling and awesomeness is temporary because he's here and
you are a necessity to him, necessity to him. And
I'm not saying that what you guys experienced during that
timeframe wasn't real. I believe it was, but you need
to understand that if that was fifty percent authentic, it
probably felt like seventy five. Yeah, because of that, that
change of scenery, and that matters. We talk about that

(59:30):
every single time we go on vacation, you and I do,
because we you know, that's.

Speaker 5 (59:35):
We spend more time together on vacation than we do
at home. And we're together twenty four south right.

Speaker 4 (59:38):
Well, we're not working on vacation most of the time,
like we're not. We're not doing anything here, we're out
doing shit. And even if we're just vibing in the
hotel together, like, it's a very different world when you're
not in your home.

Speaker 5 (59:51):
So now here comes the issue. He has definitely made
the effort to change. He is talking to me about
his thoughts more and trying not to be so avoid on.
He got promote you did at his job and has
been working really hard. His therapy has been going well,
and he has been doing a lot of self reflection
about his problems. I've expressed my concerns to him and
tried my best to be patient and forgive him for

(01:00:11):
everything he's done to me. He didn't do it to you.
He did it for himself, and you are collateral damage.

Speaker 2 (01:00:18):
Yep.

Speaker 3 (01:00:20):
I couldn't just get past that.

Speaker 5 (01:00:22):
Ye People listening you need to recognize that, even if
the person loves you, you are not the center of
their universe. They are the center of their universe. You
may be an important planet.

Speaker 3 (01:00:31):
They want that life to sustain there.

Speaker 5 (01:00:33):
So we're going to make sure the atmosphere is right,
all of the things needed to sit blah blah blah whatever.
Don't take things personally if it's not about you. Your
person cheating on you is not about you. It's them
seeking to get their needs met by somebody else.

Speaker 2 (01:00:48):
Yeah. People are always going to do it makes them happy.

Speaker 3 (01:00:49):
Yeah, continuing.

Speaker 5 (01:00:51):
I'm not depressed anymore, and I have been doing a
lot of work on myself alongside him, but I still
have so many insecurities about our relationship. I've been slowly
for giving the infidelity, but these insecurities make it so
hard to be.

Speaker 3 (01:01:03):
Rational around him.

Speaker 5 (01:01:04):
I hyperanalyze everything he says to me, and these insecurities
have only gotten worse because I have been catching him
lying to me over and over again. I know, so
I want to pause. There you giving him chance and
chance and chance to lie to you. He knows he
can get away with it. He knows there's gonna be
no repercussions. You lie to me again, I'll you he's

(01:01:27):
gonna do it again. Yeah, there is no Oh fuck,
she's serious this time. If I need to get my
act together, If I were in this position to a
t and I'm trying to forgive and I'm working on
my insecurities and We're going to make this relationship work,
and I catch a lie, we're done. That ended when
we agreed to make this work, when you visited in

(01:01:49):
New York, and then you went back home and all
of this started again, right, I agree? Yeah, this is
the second chance, not two point zero point one, two
point two, two point three.

Speaker 3 (01:02:02):
Do you have anything you want to add to it?

Speaker 5 (01:02:04):
Nope, you're getting it continuing. Most of the lies were
such tiny things. For example, lies about watching is called
adult content. Lies about stuff he looked up, or lying
that he called important people like a therapist that he
didn't actually call.

Speaker 2 (01:02:18):
Such thing is a little lie.

Speaker 3 (01:02:20):
It's a lie. That's a lie, period, Right.

Speaker 4 (01:02:23):
And if you're gonna lie about what you call the
little things, imagine what you're lying about about the big things.

Speaker 5 (01:02:29):
I view watching pornography and a relationship, right, this is
my belief as a monogamous, married woman.

Speaker 3 (01:02:34):
I view that it's cheating. Same, that's not a little lie.

Speaker 5 (01:02:38):
Him talking to your guys's best friend and sexting as
you phrased it, and him looking at adult content is
the exact same thing to me. So that's not a
little lie. Lies about stuff that he looked up. I
don't know what that means.

Speaker 2 (01:02:52):
Probably is search history.

Speaker 5 (01:02:53):
Yeah, is that more pornography things? So that ties into
the first one. I don't want to touch on that.

Speaker 2 (01:02:59):
Okay, wait, we do need to touch on that.

Speaker 4 (01:03:01):
Though their entire life is based off of the internet
right literally the air, an entire relationship is founded and
based in a digital reality.

Speaker 2 (01:03:10):
And she can't trust him, and she can't trust him
in that digital reality. What the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 3 (01:03:15):
That's a good point. That's a really good point.

Speaker 5 (01:03:20):
Lying about seeing a therapist that he didn't actually call.

Speaker 3 (01:03:23):
I would leave a relationship over that.

Speaker 5 (01:03:26):
If we are at a point where a therapist or
a psychologist is necessary for us to move forward and
make things work, and you lie to me about making
a phone call, booking the appointment, whatever the case may be.
You don't take this seriously. I'm not wasting my time,
Am I a bitch?

Speaker 2 (01:03:41):
No?

Speaker 4 (01:03:41):
I think that you have expectations of the people that
are no no, and you even asking that is kind
of fucked up. There's nothing wrong with having expectations of
the people in your life that you are allowing to
be in your bubble, digital or otherwise. I have a
set standard of the quality of person that I want
around me, and if you can't meet that standard, you

(01:04:02):
don't need to be around me. You want to be
a fucking liar and a piece of shit and doing
all of that shit, Go find other people that mesh that.
Get the fuck out of here. You're making my clean
room dirty. I'm tired of cleaning up this room. I
got it where I want it. Stay outside. You're not
welcome in here anymore. There's nothing wrong with that at all.
I expect a certain level of honesty and quality of

(01:04:25):
character and integrity from the people in my life. You're
showing me that you don't have that you gotta go.
Doesn't make you a bitch. That makes you somebody that
understands that you have a like a set standard of
peace in your life that you're not gonna get disrupted
by other people's fucking nonsense.

Speaker 3 (01:04:40):
Correct.

Speaker 4 (01:04:42):
I want a really good woman in a really good relationship.
But I'm gonna go do all this other shit and
you're never gonna have that good woman or that good
relationship because you can't get your fucking shit together. Houses
have a mud room for a reason.

Speaker 3 (01:04:56):
Damn right.

Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
Leave all that fucking disgusting nonsense at the door.

Speaker 5 (01:05:00):
Yeah, all right, continuing, But when I confront him about them,
he gaslights me over these little lies, and they tend
to cause arguments as a result. I'm gonna be honest,
I have no advice to deal with a gas lighter
besides leave them. Yea.

Speaker 2 (01:05:14):
This is all behavior that you're choosing.

Speaker 3 (01:05:16):
Yes, and it's abuse.

Speaker 4 (01:05:19):
People are going, oh, I can't believe he said that
she's choosing to live this way?

Speaker 2 (01:05:23):
What is it right?

Speaker 4 (01:05:24):
If she knows he's lying, knows he's been has you know,
committed adultery as infidelity. We know that he gaslights, we
know that he's not doing the things that she expects
of him, incites arguments, and she's allowing it to happen.

Speaker 2 (01:05:38):
What would you call it if she's not choosing it?

Speaker 3 (01:05:40):
Right? Dudes?

Speaker 5 (01:05:40):
In Australia, she's not shackled to the bed, bedroom door locked,
can't get out the front door, continuing, even though there's
such tiny things to lie about, I keep drawing the
lies back to the bigger lies he told me during
the first four years we were together, and basically feeling
like if he insists on lying about these small things,
what else is there?

Speaker 2 (01:05:57):
Yeah, so that a minute ago.

Speaker 5 (01:05:59):
Yeah, so we touched on and there's not big lies
or little lies, there's just lies. Yes, you did not
tell me the truth. You omitted you sinner, continuing. I
have definitely repeatedly told him how his lying makes me
feel as well. I do not know if I'm making
the right decisions and being with him, So I'm gonna
pause right here. I have definitely repeatedly told him how

(01:06:20):
his lying makes me feel as well. Now, what do
you want me to do about that? What do you
want my husband to do about that? You have told
him that you don't like this. He doesn't care, now what.
I can't make him care. I don't have a magic
phrase for you to tell him to make it click
in his brain that you're hurt. Right now, he either
loves you and you matter to him and that is

(01:06:42):
enough for him to want to change to be better
in the relationship, or he's getting something out of this.
I mean, clearly he's getting something out of this, or
he still wouldn't be here. But it's not the same
goal between the two of you.

Speaker 2 (01:06:56):
He doesn't have to change, right, Yeah, And that's the
reality of it.

Speaker 5 (01:07:00):
I don't think you're making the right decision and being
with him.

Speaker 3 (01:07:03):
Gosh, you know what.

Speaker 5 (01:07:04):
I've started telling ladies right to really really put it
into perspective for them. If I had to choose between
living the life that you just presented to me or
living by myself and struggling, I'm going to live by
myself and struggle.

Speaker 2 (01:07:17):
Right, because you know what it is to have peace.

Speaker 5 (01:07:20):
Yes, And I know what it's like to live in that.
I've been up at two or three o'clock in the
morning making myself sick going through somebody's phone because I
know that they're.

Speaker 3 (01:07:28):
Cheating on me.

Speaker 5 (01:07:29):
I know what it's like questioning every I believed he
was going to work for two weeks straight because he
put on a work uniform and said bye see you
at eleven thirty and he quit his job, going who
the fuck knows where? I will never live that way again.

(01:07:51):
Passion and energy and energy and passion. I'm getting heed it.
Where did that come from? It's it's a meme, Okay.
It's things like I've seen a lot of people trying
to like work out doing like the step up ship,
and they're like passion and energy and like get it

(01:08:12):
in there and like actually be a.

Speaker 3 (01:08:13):
Part of it.

Speaker 2 (01:08:14):
Okay, Okay.

Speaker 3 (01:08:15):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:08:16):
I also could be wrong, it could be totally something else,
But I like how that sounds saying that's all right continuing.
I feel like maybe we should take a break for
now and come back to it.

Speaker 3 (01:08:28):
I don't believe in breaks.

Speaker 4 (01:08:30):
I don't believe you guys need to be together. He's
on another continent. Yeah, relationship is a fucking mess.

Speaker 5 (01:08:37):
Yeah, we are either gonna make this relationship work together now.
There is no I'm going to disappear for the next month,
get my shit together, and then come back and we're
going to figure this out. This is we are planning
on living life together. We're gonna die together, We're gonna
raise children, whatever the case may be. We can solve
our problems together. What if you guys break and you

(01:09:00):
go on two separate healing journeys and he goes further
down deep into what he's already into. We come back
together and he's doing all of this times ten. That
sounds like a big old waste of time to me. Yep,
continue continuing. Maybe I should finally cut ties and let
this go. Maybe even try just being friends with no
communication for a little while as we continue to grow.

(01:09:22):
I mean, despite the lies, everything else is just so nice.
That is something that abuse people tell themselves.

Speaker 4 (01:09:29):
What are you gonna say, she's still an avoid Yeah,
she doesn't have anybody else in her life right now,
so's this is a trauma bond. She's totally connected to
this dude because there is no other anything in her life.
Right I guarantee you that if she was to go
out and meet another person, like another man, and he
was polite and gentle and like engaging with her, none

(01:09:49):
of this would be going.

Speaker 3 (01:09:50):
On right now would even be a second thought.

Speaker 5 (01:09:52):
Right. Yeah, we have the same hobbies and interest and
we can hang out all day long and not fight
about anything and just laughed about everything hanging out.

Speaker 3 (01:10:01):
No, you're at chat.

Speaker 5 (01:10:02):
Yeah, you're a voice over a speaker. I need the
warmth of your breath as you're talking to me when
we're laying down and cuddling, and I can hear your heartbeat.
There is a level of connection that I don't think
a vast majority of people are going to understand what
it is going forward? Right continuing, he compliments me and
never tears me down, and always tells me how proud

(01:10:24):
of me he is. He never tears me down, but
he watches pornography behind your back.

Speaker 2 (01:10:29):
It lies to you and cheats on you.

Speaker 5 (01:10:31):
Right, Yeah, I just am at such a loss. Should
I let him continue to lie to me? Sence the
lies are about such small things? Or should I respect
that I really hate the lying and can't endure them anymore?
Did you hear that? Should I let him continue to
lie to me? Since thelies are about such small things?
That one makes me angry? It doesn't make me at

(01:10:51):
the It doesn't make me angry at the emailer. It
makes me angry the fact that it was even thought about.
As children, we are taught we don't lie. Even if
you get in trouble. Honesty is the way to do it,
because if we find out later on that it was
a lie, there's going to be more trouble, more consequences,
whatever the case may be, and into adulthood. If you
get arrested for some shit and you don't fess up

(01:11:13):
to it, whatever the case may be, and they find
out later on, you're gonna have a longer sentence. You
could have a plea bargain, whatever the case may be.
When you fuck up and do something foul, just say it.

Speaker 3 (01:11:24):
It's what to teach the kids. You will get in
less trouble if you're honest with us.

Speaker 2 (01:11:29):
So you agree she shouldn't be with this dude, Yes, okay,
let's skip to the update.

Speaker 5 (01:11:33):
Well, that is the update. I mean, that's the end
of it that we're going into the update. Am I
talking too much?

Speaker 2 (01:11:37):
No?

Speaker 4 (01:11:37):
I just I gotta be honest. I don't enjoy doing
these emails, okay, and this is this is this is
a dumpster fire to me. Unfortunately. The reality is in
all of the content that we do, the things that
I enjoy doing the most are when people send emails
who are like my husband or my wife and I
got into an argument last night. This is the way

(01:11:59):
the argument went. We're constantly bringing up this old thing
that's happened, and like they're not ready to fucking eliminate
each other or destroy their relationship. They're actually living together
and trying to overcome a roadblock or gridlock, like those
are the emails I enjoy because I want to be
the reason that people succeed. There's no success here for me,

(01:12:24):
not for the emailer, right, well, either for either one
of them.

Speaker 3 (01:12:27):
Well, I think somebody listening it could take a lot
out of.

Speaker 4 (01:12:29):
Those, maybe if they're in a relationship with another person
from another country, like I don't the very beginning of this.
I'm twenty two, he's twenty five. I live in New York.
He lives in Australia. Next, you're you won in three
hundred thousandth of a chance of you guys working out
like this?

Speaker 2 (01:12:47):
I don't want to.

Speaker 4 (01:12:48):
And now now there's lying and infidelity, like I have
nothing that I'm going to give you. That's going to
be what you want to hear.

Speaker 3 (01:12:53):
Right, some people need to hear it though.

Speaker 4 (01:12:56):
Yeah, I just struggled doing emails like this. I don't them.
This is not fun for me. It's just one of
those things where I want to hit them with the
how high. Next when they're interviewing the people from the colleges, next, next.

Speaker 5 (01:13:12):
Next, All right, Well for the update, This one came
in this past June.

Speaker 2 (01:13:17):
Okay, so it's been two years. An update two years later.

Speaker 5 (01:13:21):
Hello again, this message is going to be really long,
so I apologize about that. I still look over your
guys's content. I absolutely love your personalities and the way
you guys are so raw and real with everything. I
did watch the stream you suggested back then, and it
helped a ton. I did a lot of self reflection
and realized that I became a shell of my former self.
I was angry, stubborn, and just mean. I think a

(01:13:42):
lot of it stemmed from me being so bitter after
everything that happened. Well, just a month after this past email,
I broke it off with him. Granted I did it
because I found out he was cheating again, but I
actually was able to stop making excuses for him and
myself and finally.

Speaker 3 (01:13:56):
Just ended it.

Speaker 5 (01:13:57):
Good right, good, Fuck that guy. We were so toxic
and I knew it. It wasn't just him. I became
a monster right along with him. And I'm finally done
being in denial about it all. So I want to pause.

Speaker 3 (01:14:11):
There. There is something called reactive trauma.

Speaker 5 (01:14:16):
There was a moment in my last marriage I felt
the flip switch inside of me.

Speaker 3 (01:14:23):
Now I was like, fuck it, I'm done.

Speaker 5 (01:14:25):
I'm gonna be as nasty and toxic as I can
be because fuck you, and I sunk down to the
level I was angry, I was bitter at like everything
she listened. People who want to manipulate and abuse and
use and take advantage of want you to break down
to that level because it's easier to control you when
you're an emotional mess versus somebody who can stand their ground.

Speaker 4 (01:14:47):
I think there's a lot of it's okay now because
they're doing it back, like we just hate each other
and it's okay.

Speaker 2 (01:14:55):
Person's in the chat, his second this is my email.
What did you call it? Reactive trauma?

Speaker 4 (01:15:06):
Yeah, when you can push somebody to be in that
reactive all of the guilt that comes from being shitty
towards them goes away because now they're doing it too.

Speaker 3 (01:15:16):
Now it's justifying.

Speaker 4 (01:15:17):
Right now, it's acceptable behavior because it's matched energy. It
gets them off the hook. That's what I was getting at.
I don't know, since I don't know if that's where
I was at when I read the thing, but that's
where I was going with it for the short version.

Speaker 5 (01:15:29):
And that makes sense because when you are now also
an abuser, you're not going to be viewed as the
victim of shit comes out right. It's all control, it's
all manipulation, it's all strategic. If you sink down to
their level and you're hurling the same insults and all
of those kinds of things. Like I just said, people
don't recognize us enough once you sink down to that level,

(01:15:51):
and then outside people start looking in.

Speaker 3 (01:15:52):
Well, you're both shitty to each other.

Speaker 5 (01:15:55):
You may have started off as the victim being abused
in this relationship, and then it gets to a point
where that reactive trauma kicks in. People don't know what's
happened in this relationship, and then it's just the final
product of you killing each other. I became a monster
along with him, and I'm finally done being in denial
about it all. I went fully no contact with him
as well, so there is no possibility I'm getting drawn

(01:16:15):
back in. To add to this, I've gotten married now
to someone else. Oh shit, good for you, Oh my god,
We're so glad.

Speaker 4 (01:16:23):
I've got to be in person though, Like, come on,
hopefully they're not in like Kenya or.

Speaker 3 (01:16:27):
Is this man living with you?

Speaker 1 (01:16:28):
Right?

Speaker 4 (01:16:29):
Are they also in the United States? Are we on
the same land at this point, right, Okay.

Speaker 3 (01:16:36):
Well, it seems we've really hit a roadblock.

Speaker 5 (01:16:38):
Him and I are twenty five and twenty four, respectively,
And if that helps add context to us, If that
helps add context to us, my husband is a very
kind and gentle person. He's patient with me and has
been there for me, even through the really tough divorce
my father and stepmother went through recently. It completely ripped
my family apart, and I also had a miscarriage for

(01:17:00):
the stress of it all. But I was able to
get through it because he was there for me. At
this time, I've been with him for over a year.
If you count the courting phase, it's just over a
year and a half now. So if you ended the
relationship a week after that email, you had maybe five
or six months of being single before jump. I mean,
that's a pretty decent amount of time, unless you were

(01:17:23):
hopping right, dating apps, whatever the case may be. I
hope you got a lot of work done in that
six months, right, same continuing, I admit we did get
married kind of soon, but we connected so quickly, and
he was having trouble with immigration services.

Speaker 2 (01:17:39):
Red flag, red.

Speaker 5 (01:17:40):
Flag, red flag on the field, stop the plane. We're
not bringing it into the bucker fucking get out. I'm
on board with green card marriages.

Speaker 2 (01:17:51):
I am too, right, it needs to be monetary.

Speaker 5 (01:17:54):
And not like we have a contract. We're not going
to get emotionally involved. Whatever the case. Maybe we're getting
married because I can't imagine my life without you. Right.

Speaker 4 (01:18:08):
I have seen way too many green card marriages happen
simply so that somebody can get citizenship.

Speaker 3 (01:18:15):
And the other person left devastated.

Speaker 2 (01:18:17):
Well, it's not so much devastated.

Speaker 4 (01:18:19):
It's said they end up in a really shitty marriage
because in the event that the marriage ends, the status
could be revoked. So you know, it's a miserable situationship.

Speaker 2 (01:18:30):
Yeah, because of it.

Speaker 5 (01:18:31):
This is one of those situations where tread lightly and
getting married to somebody knowing that there is immigration issues
going on. I don't want to be used as a person,
so that would be a concern. We know somebody who
got married very quickly, yep, because the green card was
an issue and they've been happily married for years at

(01:18:52):
this time.

Speaker 4 (01:18:52):
Right, but they were happy beforehand, Yeah, right, Like that
wasn't like marriage wasn't a thing for them. It wasn't like, well,
we should get married so that I can get citizenship.
And like, when that conversation gets brought up, that's like
saying we should move in because I don't have no money,
right know, the fuck we shouldn't move in because you
don't have any money. It's not gonna be easier because
you're broke here, yeah the issues that you're fucking broke.

Speaker 5 (01:19:12):
Yeah, yeah, so it can work out, Just be mindful continuing.
So I guess I stepped up and filled that gap
for him. That isn't easy to say we married only
for that. Our small court wedding was very lovely, and
I love him deeply, but now I feel drained, to
say the least. I love him dearly, but we argue

(01:19:34):
a lot now, and I find myself saying things the
way I would as if I was fighting with my ex.
I'm not nearly as bad now, to be fair that
it's something I'm not proud of, and I'm working like
hell to get better, but it's still unacceptable.

Speaker 3 (01:19:49):
I wish there was examples me too. Oh here's one, okay, good.

Speaker 5 (01:19:54):
To be more specific about the issue we are having.
I get frustrated because we argue a lot over how
things should be split in the house.

Speaker 3 (01:20:01):
This should have been figured out before.

Speaker 2 (01:20:03):
Marriage, absolutely before you even moved in together.

Speaker 5 (01:20:05):
Yes, So, everybody who is listening during the courtship, you
guys are three four months in the relationships, getting a
little bit serious. We're starting to feel those I love
you feelings, and there may be discussions of what are we,
where is this going? What are we doing with our life?
The next steps might be planning on moving in with

(01:20:25):
each other. Well, what does house division look like to you?

Speaker 2 (01:20:28):
Division? Labor?

Speaker 3 (01:20:29):
Right?

Speaker 5 (01:20:29):
Are we looking for traditional household? Are you gonna do
blue job? I'm ana do pink jobs? Are we gonna
You're gonna handle the dishes Tuesday? Thursday's Fridays and I'll
hand them the Are we splitting cooking? Like? Who's doing laundry?
Avoid all of this, lay it out beforehand. I am
more career oriented. I'm going back to college this year
after a long hiatus, and I'm going Fuck me, my

(01:20:51):
laptop is skipping and it keeps moving the page in.

Speaker 2 (01:20:55):
Juts your tablets behind you.

Speaker 3 (01:20:58):
Yeah, you look absolutely bored.

Speaker 2 (01:21:00):
I'm just waiting.

Speaker 4 (01:21:02):
I honestly, I have already predetermined where this is going,
and I'm not going to be polite Okay, I think
without knowing I'm not. I'm going to keep it to
myself because I hope you got him fucking wrong, and
I don't want to look like an asshole and spiel
a whole bunch of bullshit and then be wrong.

Speaker 5 (01:21:19):
Yeah, okay, I'm going back to college this year after
a long hiatus, and I already have a great paying job,
albeit a hard one. I work with adult people with
autism and basically rehabilitate them so that they can function
in society. Needless to say, it's very rewarding, but most
but like most jobs, it's very difficult. My husband never
learned how to cook or clean, so I want to

(01:21:41):
pause there. If he was immigrating to the US, he
probably came from a culture where that's.

Speaker 2 (01:21:46):
A woman's job, very strong possibility, a.

Speaker 5 (01:21:48):
Woman's duty, right, So knowing that and going to marry
him and then being upset that he doesn't know how
to do those things, that's unrealistic on your part. He
also never learned how to budget his money. He has
a spending problem, a good amount of credit card debt,
and on top of that, he doesn't have a license.

(01:22:10):
There's a lot of friction in the beginning admittedly because
he wasn't able to work when he first moved in
with Maine. Did you know anything about this man before
y'all got married and moved in, Like all of this
frustration is avoidable, It really is. These are just simple conversations.
I'm not getting married until you get a car, until
you get a job, until you're able to prove that
you're able to stand on your own two feet. This

(01:22:32):
doesn't sound like a husband was taken in, and it
sounds like a dependent was taken in.

Speaker 2 (01:22:35):
Absolutely.

Speaker 4 (01:22:36):
Yeah, Yeah, I'm gonna just say I'm just I'm gonna
fucking say it because it's eating at me.

Speaker 2 (01:22:42):
You're a broken person.

Speaker 4 (01:22:44):
You are so damaged by the things that has happened
in your life that you have not been able to
learn to love yourself and find the value and who
you are that you are accepting strays. Yes, you got
married for the wrong reasons. You don't have a partner.
You guys didn't know enough about each other to really
set expectations of what it was going to look like
moving in together. Like this is the work that gets

(01:23:05):
done in between relationships. So early, when were like five
or six months, lock can get done in the timeframe.
It absolutely fucking can if you do it to get
married to somebody who can't work because they're not here legally,
because they weren't here on work visa. Obviously, if he
couldn't get a job, he could have been doing under
the table work. There's a whole lot of people that
are here illegally that make a lot of fucking money
because they still work. So them going I can't work

(01:23:27):
as bullshit. I know tattoo artists that are here illegally
and work under the table. Yeah, because the money's here
is better than in their country, So that's not an excuse.

Speaker 2 (01:23:36):
And if you didn't know that where he.

Speaker 4 (01:23:38):
Comes from, women have the duty of cooking and cleaning
and doing all that shit, and that's not something he's
ever going to pick up. Like, you don't get to
be mad about that you didn't do your due diligence.
How did you guys not have that conversation at that point, Like.

Speaker 5 (01:23:50):
Yeah, you know, I was gonna ask, I was gonna
pose this question. I was gonna ask I'm gonna pose
this question before getting into this knowing that they married
so quickly. If Australia and Man lived in the United States?
Would you have married him right off the bat too,
It's a good question.

Speaker 2 (01:24:05):
Well, the marriage for this wasn't because of love, It
was because of a great guard.

Speaker 3 (01:24:09):
Well what it would have been for that? Right?

Speaker 5 (01:24:12):
Because this doesn't scream to me I'm looking for a
relationship for a teammate. It screams to me, I'm looking
for a relationship because I can't satiate myself. You know,
disregulated people who can't regulate themselves and picket fights and
show up at your house at one o'clock in the morning,
you blow your phone up thirty times back to back,
are looking for you to make them okay, right, because

(01:24:33):
they don't know how to make themselves okay. So this
is giving that feeling of I don't know how to
love myself, so I'm clinging on to anybody who shows
me what love could be.

Speaker 3 (01:24:42):
Right, Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 (01:24:43):
Yeah? Broken person? This is a broken person. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:24:47):
I want to I obviously want to get through this
because I do want to try to be to point
or provide some sort of help or advice. But right now,
my only advice is you've got a lot of work
to do on you.

Speaker 5 (01:24:59):
Yeah, we still have email to go, but He also
didn't know how to clean or cook, so I was
working extra to make sure we got all the bills
paid and the house taken care of, but he would
just sit at his PC and play games all day.
I'd come home from a ten to fourteen hour shift
just to find the house a complete wreck, and then
I'd also need to make dinner. Since the start of
the year, he's been able to get work though, and

(01:25:20):
he gives me some money each week to help with bills.
Now he's learned to do regular basic cleaning, not deep cleaning.
But if it isn't chips or something quick he can grab,
he just will not feed himself.

Speaker 4 (01:25:32):
So let him starve. This is no different than a
six year old. Yeah, you can't open that bag, you
don't get it right. If you can't figure out how
to feed yourself, you're gonna die.

Speaker 3 (01:25:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:25:43):
I want to tell you, eat Doritos and hot dogs
for the rest of your life, bro, like you're a
fucking grown up. There's way too much information on the
internet to know how to cook that you can't figure
the fuck out like that. Shit infuriates me. I have
been able to physically on a stove since I was
in single digits. Yeah, and I had to figure the

(01:26:05):
shit out on my own. Microwave shit makes things a
whole lot easier. So if you can't, you know, hungry
man meals in the microwave, defeat yourself. I'm also not
okay with somebody that iss around and plays video games
all day me either me either I can understand a
day a week, right or a couple of days a
week where like it's game day, Like you're not working
and you're at work and I want a game for

(01:26:27):
eight hours. If I know that I have things that
I got to do, like laundry or clean the house up,
you better believe the moment you leave the house, I'm
doing all that shit so that I can fuck off
for the rest of the day. But I'll be damned
if you come home and be like, hey, you didn't
do the dishes after you ask me to do them,
even though I don't do dishes, Like all of that
shit needs to be done first. That procrastination leads to
failure is a big thing for me. I'm not going

(01:26:49):
to look like a fucking idiot or a slacker because
I forgot to do something because I was so excited
to play video games or watch YouTube. Right, that shit
infuriates me like to no end. Yeah, and on both sides,
Like if I'm the one that fucks up, I get
mad at myself for it. But if I ask somebody
to do something and like I'm gone all day and

(01:27:09):
I come back and it's not done, like, it enrages
me cause I if I wanted to do this myself
when I got home from work, I wouldn't have asked
you to do it, right, Like if it could have
waited until tomorrow, I would have asked you to do it.

Speaker 3 (01:27:21):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:27:22):
Yeah, I also want to touch on he's learned to
do regular basic cleaning, but not deep cleaning. Does he
have a phone, because if so, he can google it? Right,
he can watch YouTube videos. There's tiktoks on how to
deep clean your household. There's zero excuse to not learn
how to do something in today's day and age.

Speaker 3 (01:27:43):
Zero excuse.

Speaker 2 (01:27:44):
It's laziness.

Speaker 3 (01:27:45):
It is.

Speaker 4 (01:27:45):
It's no different than the kids going okay, my room
is clean and us going in there like, no, your
room is not clean.

Speaker 2 (01:27:50):
Right now.

Speaker 4 (01:27:51):
What you're saying is is you think it's clean and
you're done enough because you don't want to do this anymore.
So you're coming for validation that it's okay to go
do something else so you don't get in trouble when
we come in here and check it right.

Speaker 5 (01:28:01):
So I step in and make sure I cook so
he can eat. And as I've made clear since before
he moved in, if I cook, then he cleans the kitchen.

Speaker 3 (01:28:08):
I bet he doesn't do that.

Speaker 2 (01:28:09):
We'll see.

Speaker 3 (01:28:09):
Let's see.

Speaker 5 (01:28:11):
I've drawn out exactly what I expect from him to
split household chores fifty to fifty as much as possible,
and he's agreed, but he.

Speaker 3 (01:28:17):
Never really sticks to it.

Speaker 2 (01:28:19):
He doesn't have to right.

Speaker 5 (01:28:21):
The counter is always messy, His desk and place he
mostly hangs out at is always messy. He never cooks
for himself. He leaves out his laundry everywhere, the living room,
bathroom floor, bedroom floor, right next to the hamper. And
I feel like I'm just always nagging him about this stuff.
This is why we don't marry people, but that we
don't know. This is why we don't jump into marriages.
This is why we don't go I'm gonna be a

(01:28:42):
good person. We're having fun right now. You need a
green card. Let's go ahead and get married and see
where this goes.

Speaker 2 (01:28:48):
Can we touch on the messy in this because I'm
a slob.

Speaker 4 (01:28:51):
Yes, my computer desk is a fucking disaster, but I
know where everything on my computer desk is. That's my organization.
And every time I clean up, I lose shit. When
my desk is chaotic, I'm great, but I don't leave
my clothes in the living room. I don't leave cups
laying around like that's my desk. The first time you
clean it, I'm like, don't do this. I appreciate it.

(01:29:13):
I love that you dust it and it's super great,
but please don't touch my desk. That works for me
when other people see it and they're like, oh my god,
it's organized. Don't worry about my shit. Like Lil Wayne said,
don't worry about what's in my cup. It's my cup,
it's my desk. Fuck off. Rest of the house. Ain't
like that. I don't treat you like my mom. You

(01:29:33):
know you're not here to cater to me and clean
up after me. I don't leave my plates and shit
and sink not rinsed off.

Speaker 5 (01:29:40):
There.

Speaker 2 (01:29:40):
There is an.

Speaker 4 (01:29:41):
Acceptable measure of you living with somebody and having to
accept their version of life, and in our situation, it's
my desk sometimes the kitchen table, and the clothes on
my side of the floor, the kitchen counters. I'm pretty
good about getting shit off the kitchen counter.

Speaker 2 (01:29:58):
Yeah I am. There's things that live on the kitchen counter.

Speaker 3 (01:30:01):
I clean up after you a lot in the kitchen, really. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:30:03):
A lot of garbage, a lot of plastic, a lot
of things open and tossed aside.

Speaker 2 (01:30:07):
No I don't believe that.

Speaker 3 (01:30:08):
Oh okay, I'll start pointing it out.

Speaker 4 (01:30:09):
I would prefer that you did, because I'm really good
about picking that shit up. I actually walk around here
cleaning up after the kids a lot of the time too,
because the kitchen is your domain. So the only time
that things get left on the counter is if it's
something I expect you to put away because it's a
you thing. But yeah, if you see things on there,
absolutely coming tell me that I did it, because it

(01:30:29):
might have been one of those things where I got
a phone call and yeah, walked away from it and
totally forgot, because that does happen.

Speaker 3 (01:30:35):
But I think it's a mindless thing.

Speaker 2 (01:30:38):
It could be.

Speaker 4 (01:30:38):
But I am also very like the other morning, Thursday morning,
I got up at eight o'clock and came out here
and cleaned all that shit that I made a mess
of at three am. Like, I try not to leave
that shit for you, because it's not fair for you
to have to pick up after me in that aspect.
Kitchens your domain. For me to make a mess there
and be like tough shit, like, that's not fair to you.
So yeah, absolutely, come get me out. I have no
problems stopping what I'm doing and coming and picking up

(01:30:59):
after myself. Okay, you guys, I know that I talked
about my desk being bad.

Speaker 2 (01:31:03):
You used to see the garage.

Speaker 3 (01:31:06):
I don't go in our garage. I can't. I can't
even open my deep freezer because there's shit on top.

Speaker 4 (01:31:10):
I know, I know I need to get I need
to get in there and throw a lot of shit away.
My problem is is I and I used to never
be like this. I used to just be like, whatever,
if I need it again, I'll just buy another one.
Now I'm like what if I need it right now?

Speaker 2 (01:31:23):
You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 (01:31:24):
And like there's this weird fear of like having to
buy something again, which is absolutely stupid because all that
shit out there is not very expensive. Like I still
have dirt bike parts out there. I don't even fucking
have a dirt bike anymore. I have, yeah, right, Like,
I don't know.

Speaker 5 (01:31:36):
I went out there the other night to open the
deep freeze and I saw all that shit on top
of it, came back inside an ordered door dash.

Speaker 4 (01:31:41):
Yeah, yep, I know that I need to get to
the garage. But like there's also like there's car seats
out there for the Broncos. Like, yeah, what am I
supposed to do with that shit? Like I threw away
the back seats from my Bronco and regretted it.

Speaker 2 (01:31:54):
Yeah, you know what I mean.

Speaker 4 (01:31:54):
So, like, I don't know, I think about that shit.
That's funny. That's so funny.

Speaker 5 (01:32:01):
So I saw in the chat, you guys said that
you've been married for two years now or together for
two years now, living together for two years, if he
has still not changed his behavior and you've communicated that
this is not how you want to live your life.
I don't have any advice to give you for him
to change, right, he's not going to, doesn't right to.
These were all things that should have been discussed prior
to moving in together and getting married. How we want

(01:32:22):
to divide labor what help home life is going to
look like, what marriage is going to look like between
the two of us, what respect is going to look
like between the two of us. This is the importance
of courting. Yeah, and now I don't believe you guys courted.
What what was that for you? Was that just hanging
out and talking about things you guys liked? Because when
I hear courting, I'm hearing we're discussing life decisions. We're

(01:32:42):
talking about where we want to go with this are
we are we just fuck buddies or are we looking
for a long term commitment in this?

Speaker 2 (01:32:48):
What are what are consequences? How would you handle?

Speaker 4 (01:32:51):
Like, let's let's let's do some of these just for
for example, if this was us having this argument and
I wasn't able to just be like, come get me
all clean the shit, and I started leaving all of
these things after multiple conversations and I wasn't holding up
my end, what would you What are some things that
you would do to make it a consequence for my failure?

Speaker 3 (01:33:10):
I would gather all of it and put it in
your space.

Speaker 2 (01:33:12):
Okay, but what happens if I still don't clean it?

Speaker 3 (01:33:15):
It's in your space now it doesn't matter to.

Speaker 4 (01:33:17):
Me until bugs, right, or you know what I mean?
So like, do you think that that would be enough?

Speaker 3 (01:33:22):
What do you mean?

Speaker 4 (01:33:23):
Well, okay, so first of all, I agree with you
because that would be my answer. That was my answer
to But as I was getting ready to ask this shit,
I was like, but that would create bugs.

Speaker 2 (01:33:31):
So now now we have to have a conversation.

Speaker 4 (01:33:33):
Okay, if he's if he's sloppy everywhere, like don't don't
fuck with his desk, but if his kitchen is messy
and all the dirty dishes and his clothes are everywhere,
like you're gonna just put all that next to his
side of the bed or set it on his bed,
because then it's just gonna get dumped on the floor.
Like how does that look? Would you tell him like,
I'm gonna start putting all of your dirty laundry and
dirty dishes on your side of the bed and you
can figure this shit out. Would that be a fair

(01:33:55):
because it almost feels petty.

Speaker 5 (01:33:57):
I'm not willing to mother somebody I not, and that
feels like mothering to me. If you're not capable of
cleaning up after yourself and taking care of your dishes
and cleaning up your clothes or whatever the case may be.
I'm just leaving you. I'm not gonna sit here, okay,
So all of our clothes need to go into the hamper.
You have two dirty dishes thting on the counter. Can
you please go take care of them? They've been sitting

(01:34:18):
there for a few days. I'm not I'm not playing
that game. You're either going to step up and recognize
what you need to do as an adult, or we're
going to start figuring out how we can separate our lives.

Speaker 3 (01:34:30):
I have zero tolerance for that.

Speaker 4 (01:34:32):
So then I guess I I so this is one
of those things where the compatibility matters, because I will
stop what I'm doing to do whatever you ask me
to do. Yeah, and whether it's you know, take the
trash out, clean the car, take go fill my gas
tank up, like you asked me to do something yesterday
while I was in the middle of the Magic of
the Gathering game, I just scooped and went and did
this shit.

Speaker 2 (01:34:52):
It doesn't fucking matter to me. I can start another game.

Speaker 4 (01:34:55):
I also know me and if I don't do what
you ask me to do within the first five minutes
of you asking to do it, you will have to
remind me. I have meant for four days now to
call Comcast and cancel the studio's cable. Oh that's a
me thing that I know I need to do. I
have post it notes stuck to my computer because if
I don't do this between a certain timeframe, I can't
do it. Something else comes up that I'll get it

(01:35:18):
done later, and then later comes around at six o'clock,
I'm like, fuck it, I didn't get it done today.
And that's been the trajectory of my week, well last
week into the weekend. It's something I plan on doing today.
Also picking up my car today, which I can't do.
But it's almost two o'clock. Now it's one thirty. So
like when you go pick up the kids, I'll be
calling Comcasts. That never puts you in a position where

(01:35:39):
you have to mother me. There's a gentle reminder of
this needs to be taken care of. I view that
as a way for me to serve you, and I
do the thing now. If you were like you need
to clean the garage and keep the garage clean at
all times, I'm sorry, I can't do that real shit, Like,
I love you and I will try.

Speaker 2 (01:35:56):
But in three weeks.

Speaker 4 (01:35:57):
This is gonna be a fucking disaster because the garage
is part of my I don't go in there and
fuck with your closet. You don't go fuck with my garage.
Like that's kind of the way that I view that.
But so to my original question, there's that part of
me that wants to be petty and be like, look
at all this mess. I had an apprentice once that
refused to take their trash out and I threatened them

(01:36:17):
one time. I was like, you're gonna come into the
shop one day there's gonna be garbage all over your desk.

Speaker 2 (01:36:21):
And they're like what.

Speaker 4 (01:36:21):
I'm like, i'ma empty your fucking garbage can onto your
desk and you're gonna have to come here and clean.
And they're like, I'll quit. I'm like, and then I
won't have to worry about you fucking garbage being all
over the.

Speaker 2 (01:36:28):
Shop anymore either. It's a full on win for everybody involved.

Speaker 4 (01:36:32):
Yeah, But like I was ready to go to the
level of petty and like when we were conversing almost
a conversating while we were conversing just now, that was
where my brain went. But that's children shit, And you're right,
you are mothering your spouse at that point, and then
you're gonna wonder why your person feels like you're always
fucking nagging at them. Well, the reason that I'm always
nagging at you is because in marriage, we are supposed
to serve each other. And I've asked you to do

(01:36:54):
the things that you were supposed to be doing as
an adult, and you were failing to do them, which
leads me to either have to do them or mother
you into doing those things. I'm not your mother. I
am your wife, and if you cannot hold up your
aspect of our life as a man, then I can't
move forward. And you're right, that is the answer to that.
There has to be a consequence for those actions, though,
and if the consequences is you are the one that

(01:37:14):
has to do the dishes because they are not doing them.

Speaker 3 (01:37:17):
He's off scott free.

Speaker 2 (01:37:19):
It's the same thing with the fucking dude in Australia.

Speaker 3 (01:37:21):
Yeah, okay, yep.

Speaker 5 (01:37:24):
Continuing then to add to this list, Oh gosh, the
more reasons to leave him. He couldn't save money properly.
He lied to me many many times about his savings,
even refused to save his money even though I budgeted things,
so we can have an extra six hundred dollars a
month to spend or save two hundred to spend if
he followed the guidelines I made for him. For reference,

(01:37:44):
I'm lucky if I have two to three hundred dollars
after bills, and most of the time I have nothing,
but I've taken I've been taking extra shifts recently.

Speaker 4 (01:37:52):
So you're working harder, not making as much money, and
he's not paying his way through the things, and he has.

Speaker 3 (01:37:58):
One thousand dollars a month to do whatever he wants, right.

Speaker 4 (01:38:01):
I real shit, The line about money thing is the
biggest sin to me. Yes, like, because that we know,
I mean, we've talked about this a lot, but we
know that the number one reason for divorce is financial stress. Yes,
because that trickles down into a whole lot of other things.
I don't babe, I don't care if I bounce the
bank account and it's a bonehead thing that happens and
we're fucking broke for the next three days. The moment

(01:38:23):
that shit happens, yo, I fucked up full accountability. It happens,
it's going to You're going to have moments where you
wrote a check or you paid something, it didn't come
out right away and you forgot about it. I don't
fuck around with that shit. When it comes to the
money thing. There has to be one hundred percent transparency.

Speaker 3 (01:38:38):
At all costs security.

Speaker 2 (01:38:39):
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:38:41):
Continuing then to top it all off, Okay, so are
you writing this to make it sound cute? And now
the big finale everybody, the big thing that he did
to fuck it up?

Speaker 3 (01:38:54):
To top it all off. I don't know what that
term of expression is mused for here.

Speaker 4 (01:38:59):
It's normally a like final fuck you, like on top
of everything that's happened.

Speaker 2 (01:39:04):
Now this my mom useday shit all the time.

Speaker 5 (01:39:07):
Yeah that that feels like you're amping up for something
and this isn't a big reveal.

Speaker 3 (01:39:13):
This dude is fucking up your life.

Speaker 2 (01:39:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:39:16):
I think phrasing matters in the way you decide to
word things and present your your story or your experiences
to other people matters. And to say then to top
it all off, I don't know how to explain the
feeling that it gives me, Like this is a very
serious conversation for me. And this is a conversation where
if our daughter came to me and said that her
man was treating her this way. I'm coming over to

(01:39:38):
your house with you and we're gonna have a really
big fucking conversation.

Speaker 3 (01:39:42):
If our daughter hit me.

Speaker 5 (01:39:43):
She just laid out all of those things and she
hit me with the top it all off, that would
piss me off a little bit in that conversation, Like
this isn't a joke. It could one hundred percent be
the way I'm interpreting it the way that I'm taking it.

Speaker 4 (01:39:52):
Right, I am not taking it that way. Yeah, it
could be. I don't think that the top it all
off is like a joking manner. I think it's like
this is the final icing on the cake kind of thing?

Speaker 5 (01:40:03):
Is it?

Speaker 1 (01:40:04):
Though?

Speaker 3 (01:40:04):
Because you're still with him?

Speaker 4 (01:40:05):
It could be, right, I don't know, okay, but that's
how I take it because again, like I used to
hear this shit all the time.

Speaker 5 (01:40:10):
Yeah, continuing then a top it all off. He never
sticks up for himself or me. This is the part
that kills me. I had a tall man come up
to me and ask me for money while I was
with my husband outside. It was midnight and he just
said I don't have anything, sorry, man, and over and over,
and I completely froze up. I'm very, very skittish when
it comes to strangers coming up to me, especially if

(01:40:32):
they are men. And he saw that I was nervous
as hell. I tried saying I didn't have anything, but
the stranger pressured me and wouldn't leave me alone. My
husband refused to get between us and didn't stick up
for me at all. This is not a man. This
is a fucking pussy. Well, he's a boy. This is
somebody that you're financially supporting. You're taking care of him
at home, you're cooking him meals, you're doing him laundry,
you're cleaning up after him. And he's not going to

(01:40:54):
protect you in a situation where you're safety's in jeopardy.

Speaker 2 (01:40:56):
He doesn't have to.

Speaker 5 (01:40:57):
This isn't a husband. This is somebody to take advantage
of you them. If this happened, dead ass, I would
leave my husband over this. If I was in a
situation where I felt like my safety was in jeopardy
and I made eye contact with you and I was
fucking terrified, and you just stood there and watched as
a man intimidated me. All of the safety and the

(01:41:18):
relationship has gone for me. Just thinking about that's making
me cry.

Speaker 2 (01:41:23):
Yeah, I would.

Speaker 4 (01:41:23):
I gotta be honest, I would not ever put So
there's a whole lot of what ifs in this scenario.
But I wouldn't expect you to look to me. If
I'm oblivious to something like that happening. You stand behind
me and allow me to be the middle, the middle,
you know, the defense there. But I could imagine being
oblivious to you being uncomfortable. We've had we had moments
where crazy homeless people have approached us. Yes, it actually

(01:41:47):
happened one night where we were coming back from Tennessee
at a gas station. That lady who thought that that
I was military and thought that Ivy was a dog.

Speaker 3 (01:41:55):
She followed me into the story.

Speaker 4 (01:41:56):
She was cuckoo for cocoa puffs, but she was having
a great time, Like she wasn't being rude, but she
was fucking nuts. And the craziness that was there kept
me outside like eyes the whole time. And I saw
her standing out there and You're like, I'm going in.
I'm tak an Ivy with you right like, because that's
a deterrence. Yea deterrent. But I was also outside getting
gas and you're putting diesel in the van and like
I'm waiting and waiting until you got back into the van,

(01:42:18):
and then I went inside and did my thing. There
are things that just are common sense things. The problem
is when you have somebody who's lived their entire life
as a boy and has never had to do man shit,
they don't understand that because I'm willing to bet that
if his parents were there, his parents would have been
the ones who would have stepped in and questioned all
of that shit. This is allowing people to learn how
to live their lives. Yeah, I don't know that. That

(01:42:41):
whole not a protector thing for me is a big one.

Speaker 3 (01:42:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:42:44):
Uh. Continuing without seeing a way out of it, without
seeing a way out of the situation. I eventually just
gave the stranger what he was asking for, which was
a twenty dollars bill. This is also why I carry
I would say no once.

Speaker 4 (01:42:56):
You shouldn't have to say anything. You shouldn't have to
say anything. This is real social interactions. If you and
I were out in public together and somebody had something
to say and I answered them, they're not talking to you.
And this is where I can be called controlling, and
it would be a thing because I'm going to tell
somebody get the fuck away from you, and I'm gonna
open the door. I'm gonnaok at you and tell you
to get the fucking car. And you know he cussed

(01:43:19):
at her. This is an abusive situation. No, she's fucking
safe now, right, So fuck you that that doesn't work.
I also have no problem giving homeless people money, because
I've been homeless before.

Speaker 2 (01:43:29):
I am.

Speaker 4 (01:43:30):
I will always slide somebody something if I can tell
they need it. It doesn't fucking hurt me. That ten dollars
is not the end of the world to me, and
I don't give a shit if you're using it to
buy dope, alcohol, or food.

Speaker 3 (01:43:40):
I leave it to you. It's yours.

Speaker 4 (01:43:41):
I don't need the ten bucks. That ten dollars is
going to make your day better in some fashion, great,
but I'm also not going to allow somebody to bully
me and manipulate me into giving that shit, because there's
a difference between my charity and you trying to take
something from me.

Speaker 5 (01:43:54):
Yes, I felt very betrayed in this moment, and it
made me think of him differently for additional contexts. Prior
to this, he worked at a hotel he gave a
guest his sixty dollars charger to borrow. They refused to
give it back. He decided not to stand up for
himself and wanted to leave it alone. But me being me,
I hated seeing him get take advantage of so I
immediately went to confront them myself. Once he was off

(01:44:14):
his shift. It escalated to me calling the police, but
we got it back thankfully. Called the cops over a charger.

Speaker 2 (01:44:21):
Well, she's the one who's broke and he's not.

Speaker 5 (01:44:25):
Yeah, I get that. That's really one of those moments.
Though I understand that's sixty dollars, it's expensive. It's the
principle of the things. Those police officers have better things
to handle than someone taking the charger. Yeah, Like I
wouldn't have called the cops over that. I would have
eaten the charger.

Speaker 2 (01:44:41):
Yep.

Speaker 3 (01:44:42):
I don't trust this guy.

Speaker 5 (01:44:43):
Uh Continuing The part that gets me is that I'm
so willing to step in for him, but I have
so little confidence that he would protect me in serious situations.

Speaker 3 (01:44:52):
Thought of having children with.

Speaker 5 (01:44:53):
Him worries me as well, because I worry he wouldn't
be ready to protect him either. You don't have to
worry about that he's proven to you he's not capable
protecting right. I would not have children with this man.
Are you fucking kidding me? You go to work and
he's alone with a baby all day. What if you
come home and a baby's been sitting in a shitty
diaper for the last six hours.

Speaker 2 (01:45:09):
Right, because he doesn't know how to clean an ass, right?

Speaker 5 (01:45:12):
Or you have shitty diapers sitting on the counters, Yeah,
under the couches. I would be worried about the bottles
being cleaned properly. Black mold getting into a baby bottle
and they're drinking milk through that. Yeah, there are so
many red flags in this relationship. I would not even
consider having children with him. He can't even protect himself.
I had to beg him not to let his bosses
take advantage of him, and I had to beg him

(01:45:34):
to not work off the clock even and we even
argued over it because he didn't see anything wrong with it.
He claims that I'm just trying to get him in
trouble for doing something he believes isn't wrong. Regardless, I
can't pick a role here, not necessarily saying that traditional
gender roles are the way I want to do things,
but the code switching from being the provider, the responsible one,

(01:45:54):
and the one that will fight for the family to
the one that cooks, cleans and holds down the fort.
It just feels like a lot, feel like I'm taking
care of a very large kid rather than being.

Speaker 3 (01:46:03):
With my husband.

Speaker 5 (01:46:05):
I understand why he is like this is a combination
to how he was raised to not moving out of
his parents' house until he was twenty four, to some
cultural differences that we have as well. In Mexican culture,
it is just so common to have traditional gender roles
that I've slowly been learning. However, it was made very
clear that I would never be that.

Speaker 2 (01:46:23):
Right. No, but no, what you don't have traditional gender roles?

Speaker 3 (01:46:25):
Right?

Speaker 4 (01:46:26):
Provide, protect and lead. Yes, that's the principle of where
men start to be a man.

Speaker 3 (01:46:31):
Yeah, and he doesn't have either.

Speaker 4 (01:46:33):
He's not them, right, so you can you can save
all that shit? Yeah, well I can understand why he's
like this. No, you're making excuses for why you pick
the shitty man. You got somebody that's not a man.
You got a fucking male. There's a difference. This, This
is the dude from fucking speak no Evil that we
just watched the other lady.

Speaker 2 (01:46:51):
That's exactly what this is. In that culture, men who
are doing man shit are not going to let.

Speaker 4 (01:46:58):
Their women be disrespected, right and taking advantage of him,
manipulated and all of that shit. Now you can there
might be arguments about abuse and all of that, because
I've heard that that men are they just run everything
and women have to do whatever the fuck they're told.
That's not traditional gender roles either. So like there is
a level of understanding that needs to be had there,
But the foundation of all of that comes down to protect, provide,

(01:47:19):
and lead. He's not capable of doing any of that shit.
So you don't have a man, You've got a mail.
There's a fucking difference there. As for him being twenty
four years old and still living with his parents, that
speaks to failed parenting. You stepping and doing all the
things that he needed done for him. You basically just
took over the role of mother for him. Yeah, so
why would he change He's never had to do anything

(01:47:41):
on his own. This is bad parenting. Yeah, I hate
everything about this.

Speaker 3 (01:47:45):
Me too, Me too.

Speaker 5 (01:47:48):
Continuing, We talked about all of this during the courting stage,
and he seemed to be able to clean and cook
and be responsible because all the things that we had
included it. This stuff just one example. I came to
find out that his cooking was him just helping his
mom and that he just didn't learn from her at
all while helping, which makes no sense to me because
I've learned while helping my parents too.

Speaker 4 (01:48:07):
No, I'm willing to bet he can cook. This is
a laziness thing. Yeah, you can't help with somebody doing
shit and not learn.

Speaker 2 (01:48:15):
You just can't.

Speaker 4 (01:48:17):
You do something enough, you're going to fucking understand what's happening.
It's very easy to go I don't know how to
do something because you don't want to do it knowing
someone else is going to do it for you.

Speaker 5 (01:48:28):
This is also why I believe it's important to live
with somebody before you decide to marry somebody. So if
you guys got married and then moved in together, you
did yourself a disservice and you didn't do your data collection.

Speaker 3 (01:48:39):
I can tell you're frustrated.

Speaker 2 (01:48:40):
I to keep it an I'm fucking angry.

Speaker 4 (01:48:42):
Yeah, the gas station betrayal, the not protecting your woman
and all of this shit, like don't fucking call your
husband a man. Yeah, that's a fucking title that was earned.

Speaker 5 (01:48:51):
I wouldn't even call him a husband. I would not
even call him a husband. He's a rent a boy.

Speaker 4 (01:48:57):
There's so many people in the chat who are saying,
I'm hispanic. This is not a culture thing. There's no
way that it would have went down like that if
he was. You know, if it was a culture thing,
like the chat is just going fucking berserk, I would.
I would fucking I would put somebody through a window
over that shit. Yeah, Like, I'm gonna walk to the car,
And if you try to get in between me and
you or they touch you, like hmm, there's a part

(01:49:27):
of me that I don't want you to ever see.

Speaker 5 (01:49:29):
And to be honest, I'm just tired. This feels like
a lot, and to his credit, he has been improving,
but progress is just so slow. He says he wants
to improve as well, and we are willing to go
to therapy once our insurance is all fixed up. But
I feel like I'm going crazy in the meantime. I
can't tell if I'm overreacting, how much of this is
normal versus not, and how much of this is my fault.

(01:49:49):
So I want to pause here. I can't tell if
I'm overreacting. I don't believe you're overreacting. If anything, I
think you are massively underreacting to everything that's happening.

Speaker 4 (01:49:57):
Yeah, what do you think therapy is gonna Do you
think him going and having another conversation with somebody's gonna
teach him how to cook and clean? Do you think
it's gonna somehow fucking make his balls drop and he's
gonna man up and fucking protect you. Yeah, therapy's not
gonna do that, is gonna make you go and help me. Listen,
It's okay to talk about your feelings, darling. Let him out.

Speaker 5 (01:50:15):
Yeah, uh. Touching on how much of this is normal?
None of this is normal. This is not how a
grown adult acts, and this is not how a grown
man acts. This is not how a husband acts, period.
And how much of this is my fault? I would
say your hand in this is enabling his behavior, letting

(01:50:35):
it slide, not having boundaries, and not doing your due
diligence before getting married to him.

Speaker 2 (01:50:40):
I agree.

Speaker 4 (01:50:41):
This is a broken woman who did broken shit now
she's living with the consequences of it, and I stand
by that red flag at the very beginning of this,
the moment, the moment I knew that this was a
fucking card marriage, Like, come on.

Speaker 5 (01:50:53):
Yep, his own actions are not your fault. I will
never take for responsibility for somebody else making a choice
to do something with their body. So him being lazy,
being unproductive. I know somebody who learned the French language
in three months by living over there. Immersion, baby, put

(01:51:18):
yourself into it. He has well. When he wasn't working,
he had what twelve hours of daylight time to learn
how to manage the household and do the things.

Speaker 2 (01:51:26):
He needed to do right but video games.

Speaker 5 (01:51:28):
Right continuing, I don't know if I'm just being mean
and nagging him, or if I'm not holding him accountable enough,
or if I'm doing something else wrong.

Speaker 3 (01:51:36):
It doesn't help.

Speaker 5 (01:51:37):
I am also on the spectrum have VPD and have
a chronic illness, so I struggle with executive dysfunction as
well as chronic fatigue. Like he is a great guy.
He does add to the relationship by being there for
me when I need it. When when has he been
there for you when you needed it. He's not clean
in the house, he's not cooking, he's not helping your finances.

Speaker 3 (01:51:59):
Is he there for you emotion?

Speaker 5 (01:52:01):
That is not enough out of those four boxes for
me to go, Yeah, this is the man I want
to be with.

Speaker 4 (01:52:05):
We we talked about the checking the boxes thing offen,
the being in a podcast a lot, and like, it's
rare to find somebody that can check more than like
half of your boxes. So for the fact that, like
you checked ninety five percent of my boxes, like the
five percent was kids. It fucking was your kids, right,
But like that's not something that I have any control over.

(01:52:26):
That's an acceptance. That other five percent it's just a
it's a wash at this point. Yeah, But to find
somebody that is that compatible, that checks all of your
boxes the way we do is why we have the
foundation that we have to get to where we are now.
If somebody checks forty percent or less of the boxes
that you need in the relationships, it's not your fucking person,
Like you're settling at that point. I would rather be

(01:52:46):
alone and be happy.

Speaker 5 (01:52:47):
One hundred percent. One hundred I would rather be homeless.
I would rather be homeless and trying to figure out
where I'm sleeping other every night versus living in this
and that said with experience, Yeah, he has started sticking
up for himself at work and doing some basic chores,
and unlike the last man I was with, my husband

(01:53:09):
is not abusive and is loyal, And I know I
say mean things that I definitely should not be saying,
like calling his mama, calling him a mama's boy. Oh, yes,
a problem, which I haven't said in a while, not thankfully.

Speaker 3 (01:53:20):
Yeah, that's fucked up. How are you gonna?

Speaker 2 (01:53:24):
Right? So he probably is a mama's boy though.

Speaker 5 (01:53:26):
Right, No, I mean it's accurate. Dude is a fucking
mama's boy, right, I agree? It is counterproductive to your
end goal though, Yes, So this is one of those
moments where you pick and choose your battles. I want
to say this thing because I'm pissed off at you
right now, but I'm not gonna say this thing because
the larger goal here is to get you doing the
things as a teammate, not me getting this minor frustration

(01:53:47):
out of my system. Right.

Speaker 4 (01:53:48):
There are some people that will respond to that shit, yeah, right,
Like there there are things that there are things that
you would say to me in moments that that would
manipulate me in a way to get me to do
what you wanted me to do, but it would it
would fundamentally change me in the process. This is like
dude telling you I don't want to deal with your
shit this morning. Yeah, that kind of thing will change

(01:54:11):
somebody if they want to be changed or if they
don't want to continue living the life that they're living. Yeah,
that Mama's boy shit. I mean, I'm sure that it's
this marriage end. Then he could just go back home.
His green card might get fucked up.

Speaker 5 (01:54:21):
But well, I think that most states have a year
limit on that, Like once you've been married for a
certain amount of time, you have the green card.

Speaker 3 (01:54:27):
You don't.

Speaker 2 (01:54:28):
I don't know if that's a thing. I don't know.

Speaker 3 (01:54:31):
I don't know.

Speaker 5 (01:54:32):
That may be like an early two thousands thing continuing.
I make sure to apologize for these things and do
my best to curb those tendencies so they don't happen
as much or as harshly. I definitely have a part
to play here, but I don't know if we are
truly compatible, if I'm being too impatient or toxic. The
BPD really messes me up because I really just sometimes

(01:54:52):
don't know if I'm making myself out to be a
victim or if something is really wrong.

Speaker 4 (01:54:55):
We don't know if she's been toxic or not because
we other, right, other than a mama's boy thing, we.

Speaker 2 (01:55:00):
Don't know anything that she's done. We've just known what
his shortcomings.

Speaker 5 (01:55:02):
Are, right, Yeah, there has no there's been no accountability
in the example, a lot of examples of what he's done.
Like you said, but I was thinking that as I
read that, that we can't really comment on your BPD
or what that looks like.

Speaker 4 (01:55:15):
I also don't like it when people tell me that
they've been diagnosed on the spectrum and with BPD and
with something else.

Speaker 3 (01:55:20):
BPD is on the spectrum, right.

Speaker 4 (01:55:22):
Well, that's I've read that, But I've also read that
that's not true.

Speaker 2 (01:55:25):
Yea.

Speaker 4 (01:55:26):
I do know that BPD stems normally from narcissistic parents,
like and severe child abuse, like it is something that
stems from that. But we also know that CPTSD and
borderline look a lot alike. We also know that being
on the spectrum can look like the other two as well,
depending on the your flavor of spicy brain. So like

(01:55:47):
anytime I hear all of that, like, I really I
feel like more. I think there needs to be a bigger,
deep dive because I think that I.

Speaker 5 (01:55:57):
Think there's less value to the word right toward's being stated.

Speaker 4 (01:56:01):
Yeah, there's got to be less there, like somebody's probably misdiagnosed.

Speaker 2 (01:56:04):
Along the way.

Speaker 5 (01:56:06):
Continuing. Ultimately, I'm just sick of arguing and being upset
all the time. I forgot to add. The confusion on
where I stand and not being sure if I'm just
being toxic or if I'm even compatible with him is
because my husband never sticks up for himself, including with me.
I tell him, slash, encourage him to hold me accountable
all the time, and he just never does.

Speaker 3 (01:56:26):
Well, why would he? He doesn't do confrontation.

Speaker 4 (01:56:28):
He doesn't have to, though, If you real shit, right,
if you were getting mad at me and wanted me
to do things and I fought back at you and
we just argued more, that's not going to change anything.

Speaker 2 (01:56:39):
You can get mad as you want. I don't have
to do anything on my end.

Speaker 4 (01:56:42):
I can continue the same behavior that I've been doing
and nothing's going to change and you'll calm down eventually. Yeah,
there's no reason for us to engage. There's no reason
for me to stand up for myself or do anything,
because you'll calm down. Eventually, I can continue playing video
games and nothing's going to change.

Speaker 2 (01:56:58):
That's how I view that situation.

Speaker 4 (01:56:59):
When he come to me with a problem and I
come with a solution and I make changes, it's because
I don't want to relive this moment. If I was
okay with reliving this moment, and don't give a fuck
if you're mad and going through what you're going through,
because I know I'm gonna get what I want to
get regardless, I'm gonna just let you have your fit
or your temper tantrum, and I'm gonna just keep doing
what I'm doing. You'll get fuck over it. There's a
difference there, and that's how I view that situation. Why

(01:57:20):
would he stand up for himself or get shitty right?
Why would he even remotely fuck up what he's got
going right now because he doesn't have to cook for himself,
doesn't ask clean for himself, has a thousand dollars a
month to play with and get to play video games
or the fucking once.

Speaker 5 (01:57:32):
Yeah, I especially encourage him when I go back and
apologize for when I say messed up stuff, and I
tell him that sometimes it's hard for me to see
when I'm overstepping a boundary, or to see immediately if
I said something that hurt him, when he doesn't take
the time to tell me I overstepped his boundaries. As
somebody with borderline, Even when my borderline was unmanaged and

(01:57:53):
I was just a fucking tornado going through the universe,
I knew when I was doing something wrong. Yeah, I
knew when I was overstepping boundary. I knew when I
was saying something I shouldn't have been saying. My borderline
was my justification for it though.

Speaker 2 (01:58:06):
So yeah, that's usually your label as an excuse to
be a shitty person.

Speaker 5 (01:58:09):
Yeah. Now I will take reflection time, right, Say, my
husband and I have a disruption.

Speaker 3 (01:58:15):
This happens every time.

Speaker 5 (01:58:16):
Three or four hours later, I will if I'm out
of the house, I will send my husband a text
message and say, hey, I've been reflecting on this today, X, Y,
and Z. Nothing to do with my borderline.

Speaker 3 (01:58:25):
Nothing.

Speaker 5 (01:58:25):
Well, I was in the moment, I was super emotional
at whatever.

Speaker 3 (01:58:28):
Whatever, whatever.

Speaker 5 (01:58:29):
Note, this is what happened, This is what I really
recognized within myself, and this is what I'm going to
change going forward, and then my actions are going to
prove it. Yep, so you can have that reflection time,
think of a debriefing of the argument or whatever the
case may be, and then going back and saying, hey,
I've been thinking about this. I'm less emotional, and I

(01:58:49):
want to have these conversations with you. Don't go and say, well,
because of my borderline, I couldn't recognize that I was
doing that right right.

Speaker 4 (01:58:56):
There's a level of I don't give a fuck. Yeah
when that borderline episode's happening, one.

Speaker 5 (01:59:00):
Hundred percent, Yeah, Oh, I'll burn the fucking world down
and I'll laugh the whole time. But once I'm out
of that mental spiral and I have to take account
for the damage that I've done in my life, that
shit hurts. Continuing to clarify, there is a question here
as well. I may have phrased it poorly, though I
really am just asking what you guys make of us.

(01:59:22):
Do you guys consider us incompatible, toxic, or like maybe
there is a hope there somewhere. I just can't bear
to waste another five years for something that was dooing
from the start. And I just know that right now
this feels like a burning ship because it is.

Speaker 4 (01:59:36):
I would like to know the shit that she's doing
wrong in a relationship. I agree, you know, this is
one of those things that I know that he's not
going to listen to this, and if he does, we've
ripped him apart this entire fucking time. But I would
love to hear what he thinks of her and like
all of her shortcomings, because there are things that she
can absolutely work on. Knowing that she's using her borderline
and all of her diagnosis as an excuse to be

(01:59:57):
a shitty person, that's a problem. Right to take accountability
for your life, Like my wife said, you say, instead
of saying I was in a borderline episode, you'd be like,
this is what happens, is what I did. I'm gonna
work on it. Saying well I was in an episode,
that means you're using your episode as validity to why
you're behaving that way, and you're not going to change
if that's the case, because you're using that shit as
a cop out. So that's a problem for me. There's
a whole lot of things that she's done wrong. I'm

(02:00:18):
sure that needs to be corrected for sure. But you
guys aren't compatible. You You are a broken person. You
are a very broken woman who latches on to anyone
that gives you the affection that you need to fill
the void in your life, and you're not doing your
due diligence. You're not doing the research for the homework
that's due tomorrow, and that's what it comes down to. Ye,
you're handing in half assed paperwork, right.

Speaker 5 (02:00:40):
You know when it comes to borderline. My husband and
I fill each other in on where we're at mentally daily. Right,
So if you recognize that you were in an episode
and you were acting that way because of the emotional
state that you were in, that can be communicated upon
my reflection, I recognize that I was triggered and I
was spiraling in an episode. It's not an excuse. That

(02:01:02):
doesn't make what I said okay in the moment. It's
to fill in the blinks for you so you can
understand where I was mentally when I said the shit
that I said.

Speaker 2 (02:01:10):
Yeah, I think that that can be used to manipulate too.

Speaker 5 (02:01:14):
Everything can be used to manipulate. Everything's manipulation intent behind
it is.

Speaker 4 (02:01:18):
Right, but specifically bringing that up after the fact is
very different than saying in the morning, hey, I woke
up on the wrong side of the bed. Today, I'm
feeling man, I'm feeling abandon I'm feeling whatever, I'm splitting,
whatever your borderline tendencies are. It's very different than bringing
that shit to the court after the fact, because maybe
that wasn't really true. Maybe you were having a really

(02:01:38):
good day and I said some shit that triggered you,
and you're reverting back to that and you're allowing your
BPD to be the excuse. Yeah, that's why when we
have bad days, we wake up and say I'm having
a bad day to day, so you know what the
fuck is going on. It's very different than bringing it
up after fact. I don't believe that shit anytime somebody
was like, well it was my episode or I was triggered,
that's a you fucking problem, damn you.

Speaker 2 (02:01:57):
But we don't do that shit when you're.

Speaker 4 (02:01:59):
Having a bad more. I mean, you come out of
the bedroom in the morning, you tell me I'm off today.

Speaker 3 (02:02:02):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (02:02:02):
You don't fucking ever come back after the fact and
be like, well it was my borderline.

Speaker 2 (02:02:06):
That's bullshit.

Speaker 4 (02:02:07):
Yeah, I know, if you're having a good day or not,
like that's manipulation to me. I think that's people using
their fucking label as a get out of Jail Free card.

Speaker 3 (02:02:17):
I disagree. I have a different perspective.

Speaker 5 (02:02:20):
I think that it can be used as a manipulation
to be vindictive and to control a narrative, especially if
they're like, oh, I can default on this, you pissed
me off. But if I said, it's an episode and
inflames it, whatever the case may be. I do agree
that people can do that, I think, and the way
that I was communicating it, I think that's just communication
and context.

Speaker 4 (02:02:38):
I understand that people will sometimes get triggered and the
trigger will start their episode, but that's also a them problem.
You being triggered in the moment because of something that
you haven't healed through yet doesn't justify your behavior, right,
just like you know, waking up at least, if you
wake up in a bad mood and you tell me
that you're not okay today, at least I know to
walk on eggshells while you're trying to figure your shit

(02:02:59):
out out.

Speaker 2 (02:03:00):
I know you got to wrap up.

Speaker 3 (02:03:02):
I didn't expect to go record for two and a
half hours today.

Speaker 4 (02:03:07):
Okay, we'll quickly do our exert and you get me,
kiss and leave. I'm gonna leave the thing running for
a minute though, because I have some other thoughts I
want to drop, So okay with that being said, guys,
remember you were the author of your own life, so
grab a pen and we will see you on the
next one.

Speaker 3 (02:03:19):
Bye, guys,

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