Dysfunction and resentment, the child isn't even his S3 Ep25

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Look up with.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
All these things beat on the bottom all wow is
you You're my favorite view But that's nothing.

Speaker 1 (00:22):
And we are back.

Speaker 3 (00:23):
Welcome back, you Beautiful Creatures.

Speaker 4 (00:25):
Season three, episode twenty five of the To Be Better Podcast.
For those of you who are new here, I am Chris,
I am Peachas, and we are recording live in front
of our Patreon audience, who reminded us or informed us
that the last time we tried to enter there was
no audio. Yeah, And as we were talking while there
was no audio, we were explaining to you guys that
little man had some night terrors last night and we
did not sleep very well, so we are both pretty tired.

(00:48):
We're here anyways because work is work, and we're hoping
that we're not going to be overly ugly crappy, right.
We're going to try to not be not be shitty
to people. I did wapped the cameras, as the chat
is saying, for those of you who are watching on
the split screen, we flipped because when she looks at
her screen and I look at my screen, it gives

(01:08):
you the illusion of us looking at each other, yeah, instead.

Speaker 1 (01:10):
Of this.

Speaker 3 (01:12):
Right looking off in the space.

Speaker 1 (01:13):
So we fixed it.

Speaker 4 (01:15):
I normally we have banter back and forth, you know,
we have things to talk about. We talked a little
bit this morning on the walk of the dogs that
I have things that I would like to get into,
and on days where like today, we don't have a
whole lot to get into, we can use those for
some filler.

Speaker 1 (01:30):
Do you have anything you want to talk about before
I grab my phone?

Speaker 3 (01:32):
No, not particularly. I'm exhausted, so.

Speaker 4 (01:35):
Why Yeah, I am now over a month with zero caffeine.
And I opened a soda and took a single sip
trying to get some caffeine in me, and it tasted horrible,
absolutely disgusting. So I'm back to my lemonade. Yeah, caffeine
pills are a thing, and I didn't think to grab
one before I left. Been up super early this morning.

(01:55):
I woke up. I've got a whole lot done. It's
eleven o'clock. Oh, today's April seventh. By the way, by
the time you guys hear this, it'll be probably the
end of June. Got up super early, did the dog thing.
I wrote an entire chapter of my new book. I
went and met the AC guy at the studio. We
dropped my van off. You took the kids to school,
We walked the dogs. I played some magic dealt with

(02:18):
some discord stuff, looked at some financial stuff, went to
the bank, and made it here by eleven. So even
though I am tired, today has been super super productive,
which is great because I like the productive aspect of things.
Lemon just sent a membership thing on here and it
says early access message. Hi, thank you for everything you
guys do. That's awesome that you stopped caffeine. We had

(02:40):
to because the Ayahuascar retreat that we went to said
that we had to remove caffeine from our diets. And
after I did the diet and removed the caffeine, when
we came home the day that Sunday, I was so
excited to hit a gas station and get an energy drink.
Took two or three SIPs out of it, Yeah, and
it sat there. I poured it out. It was the
last last energy drink I've tasted. Was the day after
the and it did not taste enjoyable. It tasted like poison.

(03:05):
So all right, guys, As you know, there was a
TikTok scare. We lost the app for a whole twelve
hours and we have no idea what the future of
the app looks like, and with that, we are very
concerned about the loss of our following. We have a
massed almost three million followers across that platform with all
four of our accounts, and we are trying to push
people to other social media platforms to that in the
event that anything happens on one app, we have multiple

(03:26):
other backup plans. If you want to make sure that
you're not missing any content, we highly recommend that you
check out our Patreon.

Speaker 3 (03:33):
On Patreon, we have multiple tiers to choose from. Starting
at ten dollars, you begin to receive exclusive content. At
fifteen dollars a month, you get access to our private
discord server where we've enmassed in an absolutely amazing community
of supportive people. And beyond that, we have other tiers
to check out, along with my two private women's group
if that's something you may be interested.

Speaker 4 (03:53):
In, Guys, on our fifteen dollars and higher tier, you
have access to live recordings. We record all of our
content three, four, sometimes five times a week live in
front of our Patreon audience, where they are able to
chat with us while we are recording.

Speaker 1 (04:04):
They can see all the flirting.

Speaker 4 (04:05):
And the outtakes, the hot topic conversations that never actually
make it on the podcast, and it's really worth that
aspect in itself. We have it after Dark where we
sit down usually once a week and have a glass
of bourbon or and Peach's case of glass of wine
and a bowl of cheese and we have a whole
lot of fun conversations, karaoke in the discord we finish

(04:26):
the lyrics. We literally just hang out and you guys
get to hang out with us. There is a host
of other perks, including zoom calls that are coming for
the Ultimate Tier, so that if you guys are having problems,
you can talk to us. It also gives you with
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we travel we try to meet up with people on
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of other perks that come through Patreon. I highly recommend
that you check it out.

Speaker 3 (04:46):
The best way to support what we are doing is
to share the content. The second best way is to
check out our Patreon. Thank you guys for being here.

Speaker 4 (04:54):
I do have a couple of things that I want
to get into. I would like to say that as
of right now. For those of you who are listening,
I do have more signed copies of my book on
the website. For those of you who are interested in
couples retreats, that is on the website as well to
be Better dot com. We have one for July June. June,
actually it might be happening by the time this releases,
and then and then one in August. By the time

(05:16):
you guys get this, both of those will likely be
sold out for the actual stay with us. But we
did open up ten couple spots for the Saturday seminars,
So if you live in Florida or in North Carolina,
I would.

Speaker 1 (05:28):
Like to tune in, is what I was gonna say.

Speaker 4 (05:31):
That's not right to attend the seminar aspect, it's a
Saturday only from twelve to eight. You can find that
on the website as well, under a couple of retreats
on the tube Better dot com website. All right, let
me pull up my notepad so that I have my
little cheat sheet of things. Do you do you put
things in your notepad like I do?

Speaker 3 (05:48):
No, I'm more likely to journal it.

Speaker 4 (05:50):
Yeah, will you carry your journal with you everywhere you go?
I put my important stuff in my journal, things that
I need to remember, I'll write down, but I use
my notepad on my phone a lot. Yeah, And I
didn't realize how much until I scroll the other day
and found notes in here from like twenty sixteen. I
was like, holy shit, I want to talk about the
phrase this too shall pass.

Speaker 3 (06:06):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (06:08):
My note says this too shall pass dot dot dot
What the fuck? And I was hoping that it would
trigger a thought and it kind of did, because I
remember when I wrote it what I was feeling. I
was listening to something and somebody was talking about how
they have their social circle whenever something's wrong and you
go to talk to somebody, they don't know how to
console you or comfort you when you're going through what

(06:28):
you're going through, and people will say things like, oh man,
you'll get through it, this too shall pass. All of
that kind of shit. And when you were when you're depressed,
or you're going through a major tragic life event, or
your grandmother died or your dog got put down or
whatever the case may be, somebody's saying that shit to
you in the moment's not going to make you feel
any better. It might be a reminder that something new
is coming, or that you know you've been through hardships

(06:50):
in the past, but there's no matter, like, no amount
of consoling that's going to happen in that moment that's
going to make you feel better about what you're going
I would rather have somebody sit with me in silence
and just be there in case I want to talk
to let me just get it out, then to fucking
give me cliche little pick me up motivational quotes to

(07:13):
feel better. Yeah, any thoughts on that. I was hoping
this would create a dialogue, but we're both kind of tired,
and I.

Speaker 3 (07:18):
Think I agree with that when it depends on what
I'm going through. So if I go to someone and
I specifically say, hey, tell me that I'm gonna be okay,
and I want to hear those things, Yeah, you.

Speaker 4 (07:32):
Want to hear that this too shall pass, or you
want to hear that you're gonna be okay. How would
what would you rather have?

Speaker 3 (07:36):
Like all of it? Yeah, you're gonna get through this.
You're strong, you're beautiful, right, but you're the best show
dog in the show.

Speaker 4 (07:44):
Yeah, but even that is better than this too shall
pass because it feels like a proverbial pat on the back.

Speaker 3 (07:51):
This too shall pass, doesn't it? Maybe maybe it's the
old English of it. It sounds like hoity toity. When
it's being said to you and.

Speaker 4 (07:58):
You're an emotional it feels condescending. When I heard that
shit in the conversation, I was like, I was laying
in bed. It had to have been midnight, one o'clock
in the morning, and I can't remember what I was watching.
But I heard that and I was like, man, fuck
people who say that. That's and I rolled over. I
actually had you get off of me. And I rolled
over and grabbed my phone to make a note. I
was like, all right, come back after I made the note.
But I laid there and thought about that for a minute.

(08:20):
I don't want to hear that shit. Yeah, oh big yawn.

Speaker 3 (08:25):
She's sleepy.

Speaker 1 (08:26):
Yeah I don't. I just don't.

Speaker 4 (08:30):
I think that people who do that are not giving
you their undivided attention in times of your conflict or
whatever your this dissatisfaction is in life.

Speaker 3 (08:41):
Okay, So do you do you like, how do I
want to phrase this? The gist of it is, is
there a problem with the You couldn't even like come
up with your own words to say to me.

Speaker 4 (08:57):
Some of it is that, yeah, because it sounds like
a Facebook sticker. Yeah, it looks like something that's hung
above a toilet or scratched into like a woman's bathroom wall.

Speaker 3 (09:06):
Like, where's my personalized loving advice from my person.

Speaker 1 (09:09):
Right or from anyone for that matter.

Speaker 4 (09:11):
Yeah, Like, I just I don't know, man, it really
feels very impersonal and I think that that's not going
to make you feel better. Let me see what else
I wrote on that. I wrote it's an optimistic thing
that people say that you'll be okay. Well, that's great,
But what do I do with this right now? Because
if somebody tells you this too shall pass, and obviously

(09:33):
it will because we've all been through hardships and we've
all gotten to where we are currently. But in the moment,
that's not doing anything. No, So what am I supposed
to do with my feelings? Should I not talk to you?
Should I bottle them up? Are you passively? Is this
a passive aggressive attempt or a non passive AGGRESSI attempt
to just get me to shut the fuck up so
that you don't have to deal with the fact that

(09:53):
somebody that you care about is going through something, does
it make you feel a certain way? Are you mildly
spicy brain like we are, and you don't know how
to handle the ship right now? Like I need as
a friend coming to a friend, I need more than
this in the moment.

Speaker 1 (10:06):
And I think that.

Speaker 4 (10:08):
I think that we need to be able to open
up the dialogue when somebody says shit like that, to
be like, hey, that didn't help, and then not get
mad or but hurt because they right.

Speaker 3 (10:17):
Yeah, if all you've got are like wall hanging cliches,
the little phrasing you buy at hobby lobby at the.

Speaker 1 (10:27):
Checkout, unrecycled wood, if all you.

Speaker 3 (10:34):
Have to offer is that, I would maybe do some
inner retrospection, do some self.

Speaker 1 (10:40):
Evaluation, some soul searching.

Speaker 3 (10:43):
Yeah, because if you can't come up with original thoughts
on what it's been like to be a human being, you.

Speaker 4 (10:49):
Are the shallow end of the gene pool. It's funny
when you just jump into females.

Speaker 3 (10:56):
Yeah, we can do that.

Speaker 4 (10:57):
You want to jump up, stand up, jump up and
down a couple of times to try to wake ourselves up.

Speaker 3 (11:01):
No, not on camera. I'm not feeling confident. What I
wore to work today, that's why I have my blanket
on there.

Speaker 1 (11:08):
I think I thought you looked good this morning.

Speaker 3 (11:10):
Thank you all right?

Speaker 4 (11:11):
This emails called dysfunction, resentment, lack of communication equals disaster.
I can't see the word dysfunction and not here tech nine.

Speaker 1 (11:22):
I'm a little dysfunctional.

Speaker 3 (11:25):
Don't you know? Jumping into it. My entire relationship with
my now wife fifteen years has been nothing but dysfunction.
What a first sentence. Our lack of communication and lack
of knowing how to put each other's needs first has
made our home, our children, and our marriage pay the price.

(11:47):
After being together for fifteen years and married for seven,
I have asked for a separation and am now leaning
towards divorce. I worked endless hours trying to make ends meet,
sometimes two full time jobs to keep things float hang on.
I never felt any type of gratitude or thanks from her.
She was only happy for a very short period of time.
When she got her way I gave any resistance, she

(12:10):
would turn absolutely vicious with her words. Oftentimes I would
do the same thing back. Because I didn't have the
maturity or coping skills to understand where this was all
coming from. I would go into defense mode, and we
would play this tug of war on who could hurt
the other one the most with their words.

Speaker 1 (12:27):
It's ugly.

Speaker 3 (12:28):
It was very ugly. Oftentimes in front of our children.
This would go on for years.

Speaker 4 (12:35):
I wonder he did they say how old they were? Nope, trough.
I want to talk about that a little bit. We've
talked a lot over the last three years about how
important it is to pick the right person to marry.
And because I'm because I'm writing a second book, marriage
has been a very it'll be a very prevalent topic

(12:56):
in this book. I've been thinking a lot about compatibility
and about how many people get into a relationship and
do what is expected of the relationship. You fall unlust
you move in, you realize you don't really like each other.
But now you're two years living together and you've com
mingled your life. You're twenty one, twenty two years old,
and you feel like the next step is that you're

(13:17):
supposed to get married, because that's what we're taught. So
now you're twenty five, twenty six years old, you get
a wedding ring or an engagement ring, and then you
postpone the wedding until you finally either decide that you
want to do the thing or not do the thing,
or you get pressured into doing the thing, and you're
getting married for all the wrong fucking reasons, And so
many people get caught into that expectation of what your

(13:37):
life is supposed to be. That like, the new culture
of not getting married has a beautiful ring tone to
it to me, because the people who do get married
are going to get married and do it for the
right reasons.

Speaker 1 (13:49):
They're going to do it.

Speaker 4 (13:50):
Because they actually found a compatible match that they love
and want to spend their life with and are willing
to change and grow for and vice versa. Whereas the
people who are not ready for that shit aren't going
I'm going to Playkate with fake rings and go through
the ceremony.

Speaker 1 (14:04):
Because it's expected of them.

Speaker 4 (14:05):
I think that I think that that's the upside of
the shift that we're currently seeing with the younger generation
and not getting married continuing.

Speaker 3 (14:14):
Yeah, when we would actually agree to start putting each
other first and try to do nice things for one another,
either myself or her would be late to the party
and resentment would rise and then the trying stopped. Oftentimes
we wouldn't even sit in the same room to watch TV,
no cuddling, no affection. She would withhold sex when she
was mad at me, and it would make my self

(14:36):
esteem plummet. Even when I was trying my best to
put her needs first and show affection, she would find
something wrong and think of an excuse.

Speaker 4 (14:43):
So before we move past that, I read an article
last night where physical skinned skin contact with your partner
releases dopamine and recourses reduces cortisol in your body. And
last night, so it's no secret that my back is
messed up. I have to if I needed discs L
four and L five. My psidic nerve has been pinched
and I can't not do manshit. So I'll be okay

(15:07):
for a little while and think I'm getting better and
then do something like swing bains hundred pound ass around
the fucking air and then hurt myself. And last night
I laid on the couch, I was like, I'm fucking hurt,
and I think I might. I think I might fucking
hurt my back like worse than it was. But I
can't lay with you. I have to lay this way
on the couch and you can either lay on me
with your head which is probably not gonna be the
best view of.

Speaker 1 (15:28):
The TV because of the way I have to position
my legs.

Speaker 4 (15:30):
Or you can lay with your head on the other
end with your feet near me, and I can either
hold your leg or whatever. And there was a little
bit last night where you were laying down and your
foot was next to me, and I rotated my body
and I put my the top of the bottom of
my foot on the top of your foot, and then
put my other foot on your foot like a sandwich,
and I held it, yea. And I was thinking about
that article, and I found myself subconsciously, subconsciously cressing the

(15:53):
bottom inside sole of your foot with my toe, and
I realized I was doing it while thinking about that article.
And it actually I realized in the moment that I
was self soothing because I've had such a really bad,
like few days with the release that was happening from our.

Speaker 1 (16:10):
Skin to skin contact.

Speaker 4 (16:12):
So it's just a fun fact for you guys who
are in sexless marriages, not having that skinned to skin
contact does do a disservice to your relationships.

Speaker 1 (16:20):
So useless information that you guys don't need.

Speaker 3 (16:23):
But I love that we both make it a point
to don't touch each other.

Speaker 4 (16:28):
Yeah, it sucks that it's not the way that it was,
but we still make it work, right, Like, I don't
want it to. I don't want to ever get into
a habit of not doing the things. There's been times
where like I've walked out the door and come back
in because I am on autopilot and I didn't kiss you,
or I'll leave and you'll be like you didn't say
I love you, and I'm like, oh fuck, I monopilot
right now. Like I've got a lot going on up here. Today,

(16:49):
I drove the wrong vehicle to work and I didn't
even realize in the wrong vehicle until I was like
three miles from the house and go, shit, I texted you.
But that's stress, right, I have a lot on my
plate right now. I'm I'm just trying to do the
best that I fucking can. And that's that I don't
want those well, I'm just stressed out right now to
be an excuse for me to start slacking in those things,
because when it happens on a consistent basis, the habitual

(17:12):
behavior patterns are going to set in. And I don't
want I don't want that. I want everything to be intentional.
And it's obvious that those things are not a habit
because I'm not doing it habitually. So the touching and
the kissing and all of that is very intentful. Still
I am thinking about it. I need to do these things.
Like yesterday when you were cooking and I came up

(17:32):
and loved on you a little bit. I just wanted
I wanted to be close to you. I could have
just walked past you in the kitchen and you were cooking,
you had peppers on your hands, you were cutting jalapenos.
The last thing I should be doing is fucking with
you while you're cut cutting jalapenos and you stopping.

Speaker 1 (17:45):
But yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 3 (17:48):
Yeah. We have three children, nineteen female, eight male, and
fourteen male. The oldest is my stepdaughter, but I raised
her sense of baby the other two older ones or
audience for horrible name calling between me and her. We
are horrible examples of how to show our children how
to have a relationship.

Speaker 1 (18:09):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (18:11):
She would always make me be the disciplinarian, and when
I said a punishment, she would go back on it
and let the kids slide, oftentimes because it was easier
to do that. Than to have to hear them complain
to her.

Speaker 4 (18:23):
That creates so many problems with personality as you grow up. Yes,
that's going to be the kid who gets arrested or
gets in major trouble and goes to mom and is like, Mom,
you've got me out of this my entire life, get
me out of this, And Mom's like, I can't.

Speaker 1 (18:36):
I don't tell you. Yeah, when you when punishments are set,
they need to be adhered to. You can't. You have
to back each other's place, so to speak.

Speaker 3 (18:49):
Hearing oftentimes because it was easier to do that than
to have to hear them complain to her. What I
hear is you would rather do the selfish thing and
make yourself not emotionally uncomfortable. So you're going to reward
bad behavior because you can't handle that aspect of it.

Speaker 1 (19:06):
Yeah, exactly what that is.

Speaker 3 (19:08):
That's crazy. Continuing, I worked nights and she was working
from home, so she had to deal with them a
lot of the time alone, and I know that was tough.

Speaker 4 (19:18):
Oh, hold on, I want to go back to the
disciplinary thing because of what he just said. If he's
working nights and she's working from home and he's sleeping
during the day and he barely spends times with the kids.
If she's getting overly worked up and making the kids
out to be a nightmare, and he's having to step
in and discipline after the fact. The kids aren't being
disciplined in the moment. They've already forgotten what's happened. They

(19:40):
don't remember the scenario, they don't know why they're getting
in trouble. You're punishing for past behaviors. It's not okay.
You're not going to correct that unless you catch them
in the moment and can correct the behavior while it's happening.
The other thing in that is making one parent the
disciplinarian and having it go that route, you are making
someone the enemy to the children at all times because

(20:01):
now they're afraid. They know that that person is equated
to negative stimulation, and they're going to create a negativity
bias towards that person. You guys have to be very
very careful with that.

Speaker 3 (20:13):
Continuing. Another issue was my schedule. I worked those hours
because of the pay being more, and she would complain
that I was never there, But when my shift changed
or weekends were there and I was home, we would
just argue I started working even more hours because I
didn't feel appreciated at home. This cycle would go on

(20:34):
and on for years.

Speaker 4 (20:35):
Which just furthers the divide. We did an email an
episode or two ago where somebody else only home four
days a month. When you have that much time alone,
you have to make time for your person and it
can't be in conflict, because this is what happens, right,
ah Man, I could go home where I can stay
an extra couple hours, pick ups some overtime, make a

(20:56):
little bit of extra money that's going to get taken
away in taxes. Or I can go home unless into
her bitch and complain and we can fight, or she
can ignore me while doom scrolling and like, I'll have
to discipline the kids and be the bad guy. But
if I wait until, you know, just a couple more hours,
everybody's inn be sleep, or everybody be gone to school
because he works nights, and then I can sleep, I
just yeah, that's that's a very unhappy household.

Speaker 3 (21:19):
Yes. About three years ago, I saw messages on her
phone talking to a guy friend of her family asking
him to pay for her hair to be done. I
was devastated, hurt, angry, and felt betrayed. Even he asked
her in the text, wouldn't I be pissed if I
found out he paid for it? And her reply was,

(21:39):
I won't tell him till after I get it done. Lol.

Speaker 4 (21:43):
There's so much in that whole paragraph that I have
issues with. Yeah, he's working a full time job at night,
she's working from home, so they both have jobs. There's
no reason for somebody else to be paying for the hair.
If they're putting all their finances together, and that happens,
that is an intentional, delicious act because.

Speaker 1 (22:02):
They likely have the money to get her hair done right.

Speaker 4 (22:05):
And and this, in my opinion, is a reason to
start a fight, especially now that this conversation has been had.

Speaker 3 (22:13):
Right. I also view this as fishing for attention from
a man.

Speaker 1 (22:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (22:17):
And one of the things that stand out to me
is she's asking for this man to provide for her
financially so she can get something done to look pretty.
And there could be an added level of Oh I
could pay for it and her husband couldn't.

Speaker 1 (22:29):
Yeah, there are men out there who absolutely will flex
like that.

Speaker 3 (22:33):
Yeah, continuing, I.

Speaker 1 (22:35):
Would have liked to have known.

Speaker 4 (22:37):
Oh, never mind, Yeah, continueing, because they're about to get
into how that would have played out, because that would
have been a very big that would have been that
would have probably been an actual fight.

Speaker 3 (22:45):
For on either side. Me asking another man to pay
for my hair or you paying for another woman's hair. Yeah,
that is We work hard for our resources.

Speaker 4 (23:00):
Yeah, there are certain things that you don't do right.
And when it comes to your appearance, you are supposed
to be the arm candy in this the twinkle in
your man's eye, right or vice versa. You should be
trying to do it up for your person. And if
you're doing it up for other people and you're using
other people's money to do it, you know what I mean. Like,

(23:22):
at that point, I view that I actually view that
as a form of infidelity.

Speaker 3 (23:26):
Yeah, I agree with that, And I use the.

Speaker 4 (23:28):
Term infidelity and not cheating because I think that people
will hold those two terms differently.

Speaker 3 (23:33):
Yeah, yeah, that's smart. She was convinced she had done
nothing wrong, and I told her I was killing myself
at work and why couldn't she ask me to pay
for it? I always found a way to get her
what she wanted. She would not admit it was wrong,
but every man I mentioned it too said that it
was way out of line.

Speaker 4 (23:51):
Okay, so before you move any further, we both agree
that it's way out of line. Do you think that
she doesn't see it the way that he does because
some women see shit differently than men, or do you
think that she's manipulating the situation because she got what
she wanted.

Speaker 3 (24:06):
I think she's manipulating the situation.

Speaker 1 (24:08):
I do too.

Speaker 3 (24:09):
I think it's very rare for women to not understand
what they're doing wrong in a situation. Will they get
defensive about it or maybe feel like they're being attacked
if they get caught on it because it's a maybe
over emotional response, like her trying to get attention from
another man. Yeah, maybe, But that doesn't mean that what

(24:30):
they're doing is like they're unaware of it.

Speaker 4 (24:35):
As I said, well, the other guy also told her like,
don't you think your man's gonna get mad about this?

Speaker 3 (24:39):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (24:39):
So she knew what she was doing was wrong. She
just didn't give a shit where I was holding my
tongue because I didn't want to interrupt you. And it's
that's twice the day that I've lost my train of
thought like this, it's gone. If it comes back all
in terrupt, but it's gone.

Speaker 3 (24:52):
Okay, continuing, I confronted the man via phone and told
him not to come around, and he never did again.
I don't believe she slept with him, but eventually I
feel like it would have gone there.

Speaker 1 (25:04):
I agree.

Speaker 3 (25:05):
I agree with that. Eventually I forgave her for that incident,
but I have never forgotten how it made me feel.
I was never the same again towards her.

Speaker 4 (25:16):
Which is fair and on a personal level, I have
been in that situation. It wasn't this, but something happened
where it changed my entire view of another human being,
and it changed the way that I was willing to
behave with them, and it ended up changing the entire
course of a relationship because of it. The I don't

(25:39):
believe she slept with him, but eventually I feel like
it would have gone there if she was manipulating both
of you and using him to get what she wanted.
It may not have went to physical sex, but I
guarantee you there would have been hand touching. Oh, there
would have been kissing. There would have been holding, They
would been hugging. There would have been fake intimacy there
to get him to continue doing what she was wanting
him to do. Because she'd are you've already seen that

(26:01):
he was willing to do that. And let's be very
fucking clear, unless you're going to like fantastic Sam's. Getting
a woman's hair done can be expensive. Oh yeah, we
spent five hundred dollars on a fucking carotin treatment, right, Like,
it's not cheap to get a haircut when you do
the thing for a woman.

Speaker 1 (26:19):
It's a lot different for a man. It's twenty five
bucks to go get a quick little clip, you know
what I mean.

Speaker 4 (26:22):
But so once a man starts to show that he
can provide and is willing to do that thing, it's
like a loose string that a woman can pull on.
And I've watched a lot of women manipulate men because
they have the resources that they want and a little
bit about at eyelashes and some fucking flirting and making
him feel good, especially if it's a married man who's

(26:43):
in a fucking horrible relationship. Could you imagine what it
would have been if it was the other way around,
with the way that he's feeling about his woman, if
a woman would have started giving him attention, how that
would have skewed the relationship? Yeah, because he's already feeling
a certain way now that this has happened.

Speaker 3 (26:58):
Right, continuing story would eventually lead to a monotonous, monotonous
yep oh gosh, what a hard word, sexless, emotionless existence.
I was in a really low point, feeling worthless. After
telling my wife I wasn't happy two previous times in
six months. The reply was, if you don't like it,

(27:18):
file for divorce.

Speaker 1 (27:19):
That's it.

Speaker 3 (27:21):
Wow, that's it.

Speaker 1 (27:24):
That would have been the answer. Okay, that's what you want.

Speaker 3 (27:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (27:27):
That so that that's the manipulation statement of like, I'm
going to call your bluff.

Speaker 1 (27:34):
You're not going anywhere. You love me too much.

Speaker 4 (27:37):
And if you do and you choose to leave, because
I'm obviously unhappy too, you're the bad guy, and I'm
going to be able to make it look that way
in all of our social circles in the court system.
You decided you didn't want to be in here anymore,
and now I get to be the victim while I
get to do all the things that I want to do.
When somebody tells you, if you don't like it, you
should leave, leave, that statement is louder than any I

(27:59):
love you will ever be, because there's truth there. I
don't care enough about you to change my behavior to
make this work. We're either not compatible, you are a
placeholder that lasts a little bit too long. I'm bored
with our relationship. I don't love you anymore, but I
still have love for you because it's different. And I
don't want to do this, but I don't want to

(28:19):
leave because I don't want to fuck my life up
right right, Yeah, that's that's rough continuing.

Speaker 3 (28:27):
Honestly, looking back, I should have just filed after hearing
that twice, but I felt so stuck, maybe because our
family and the comfort of being uncomfortable, I don't know.
And I started talking to someone at work, and eventually
I stepped out of the marriage with this woman. You
called it.

Speaker 1 (28:43):
I did, Yes, I did.

Speaker 4 (28:46):
And I'm willing to bet that started with a simple conversation.

Speaker 3 (28:50):
Oh yeah, right, he was given the time of day.

Speaker 4 (28:53):
Yeah, and I'm sure that in the beginning of that
it was not I do believe that a lot of
the things that happen with infidelity in a workplace do
not start off with it with malicious intent or the
goal of cheating or sex or anything like that. It
starts with attention. Yeah, you have a fucked up home
life and you're at work to avoid the home life.

(29:13):
And now somebody new comes on and gives you a
positive interaction, and you find yourself thinking about the next
time that you can talk to that person. The next
time you talk to that person, you're gonna tell them
all about this new story. You're gonna tell them about
that one time at band camp, you know what I mean. Like,
you're gonna divulge information because it feels good to have
somebody to connect to because you're disconnected as fuck at home.

(29:35):
And that's how that happens. Then a fight happens, You
go to work and you tell that person that makes
you feel good about the bullshit that happened. Well, now
they have a feel good attachment to you as well,
And that's how that starts, and it's how it starts
a lot. Very next fucking paragraph is exactly what I
just said.

Speaker 3 (29:53):
Yeah, she made me feel like I meant something and honestly,
she made me feel desired and important. Maybe I fell
for the I don't know.

Speaker 1 (30:01):
Or maybe that's actually what happened.

Speaker 3 (30:03):
Right.

Speaker 4 (30:04):
You said that you were fucking miserable at home and
avoiding going there because of like to stay at work.
You didn't want to be in that situation. You didn't
want to argue and have those fights.

Speaker 3 (30:12):
Yeap. My wife found out and all hell broke loose.
She made the kids throw my clothes outside.

Speaker 1 (30:18):
Oh my god, that's so fucked up.

Speaker 3 (30:19):
It's really fucked up. She made the kids throw my
clothes outside in the front yard. As a family, more
trauma to the kids. I left the house for about
a month.

Speaker 1 (30:29):
You should have left for good.

Speaker 3 (30:30):
My goodness, what a bitch. And I say that full chest.
Children do not need to be involved in adult problems.
One of the ways to make your children feel absolutely
out of control in their life is put them into
adult situations like this. There's nothing that they can do
about this, and you're making them participate in a nasty
act towards their own father.

Speaker 4 (30:50):
Right, Well, she's already poisoned the well in that she's
been doing it the entire time by going against the punishments,
making him the disciplinary, and then being the savior after
the discipline has happened. So the kids probably already have
an unnatural disdain that has been like watered by the mom.
And now with all of that happening, there's going to
be memories of that, and as the kids grow up

(31:11):
and heal, hopefully they do, they're gonna look back and
be like, why would you do that to me? I
was eight years old? Why would you tell me that
my dad was a piece of shit? And why would
you make me throw his clothes in the yard? Kids
don't understand the level of what's going on in that,
Like they don't even need to be privy to what's
happening in your relationship on that level. Yeah, that's that is.

(31:33):
Like I have moments in my childhood where my mom
manipulated me to do really fucked up things to people,
So that really strikes a nerve to me, Like that's raw,
fu fuck.

Speaker 3 (31:43):
Man, disgusting behavior.

Speaker 4 (31:45):
Forty four years old and I still think about that
shit regularly, like at least once a week, which means
I'm not healed yet.

Speaker 1 (31:52):
That's still working through some shit.

Speaker 3 (31:54):
Yeah. Shortly after that, I said to her we needed
to separate, but she wanted to work things out. I
was so checked out at that point, but I reluctantly
said yes and came back realizing that she would throw
this in my face every time we disagreed in the future,
and that after I did what I did. She only
then wanted to try and work on things. I thought

(32:14):
about it, and I couldn't go back. I was so
emasculated and beaten down that I refused to be put
in that position ever again by her, and frankly, I
was tired of showing my children how to have a
bad relationship. My youngest son hasn't been witnessed to much
of the mayhem, but he remembers some. I don't want
him growing up thinking this is the way to have

(32:35):
a relationship. The other two have definitely been affected by us.
I made many of the same mistakes she did, and
I am no better or worse. I have tremendous feelings
of guilt from time to time, but I don't know
if I miss her or miss what could have been. Okay,
I want to pause right there. You don't miss what

(32:57):
could have been, because for the last fifteen years it
is what it was.

Speaker 1 (33:00):
It was definitely not what it could have been.

Speaker 3 (33:02):
Right when I hear I miss what it could have been?
Right like my husband passing tragically and suddenly I'm gonna
miss what our life could have been based on what
are not just our past behavior, but our most recent
past behavior looked like that. That is the best judgment

(33:22):
of what the future behavior, future circumstances will be, is
relevant past recent behavior. I think that maybe you miss
the fantasy that you held onto of what the relationship
could have been, and you don't actually miss her as
a person.

Speaker 4 (33:38):
I think that it comes down to not wanting to
be alone. Yeah, you spend fifteen years in a house
with three kids and a woman, that's your life. I
know personally with my divorce when I moved into that,
that big ass house that I moved, what was in
big it was? It was big for me because it
was just me and fucking the cat in the house
I had.

Speaker 1 (33:56):
I had.

Speaker 4 (33:57):
I rented a three bedroom, two bathroom because it was
a fact, the first thing, the firstest, fastest, first thing
I could get into. But I had my own computer
room in there, my bedroom in the living room. I
didn't even use any of that shit like I used
my bedroom because I tried not to go home because
it was fucking lonely as shit being there. Psychologically, it
does a lot to move from a house with five

(34:19):
people in it to being alone on your own. If
it wasn't for the cat, I would have been fucking
stir crazy. I talked to my cat all the time,
like I became the crazy cat guy. You do what
you have to fucking do, And I think that that's
what a lot of that comes down to.

Speaker 3 (34:33):
Yeah, continuing, this has been the worst year of my
life by far. I'm so back and forth in my
head about whether or not to leave. Can you she
continues to blame me for all of it, based on
my cheating as the main event that ruined the marriage.

Speaker 4 (34:48):
So the question is do you believe that because you
got very hung up on the fact that she did
some foul shit, you never got over it. You said
that yourself. There's a whole lot of resentment that's been
happening here the end entire time. It sounds like there's
been a lot of like we're just together to be
together in this. And the reason that you're going through
what you're going through now, and the reason that you're

(35:09):
struggling and this has been the worst year of your life,
it's because you're still half in the game and half
out of the game. This situation needed to be a
clean break. Lawyers needed to be involved, divorce needed to
be filed, and you guys needed to fuck off, get
away from each other, and start your healing journey. That
first year after like a split is crucial to like

(35:30):
remembering who the fuck you are and like finding your
new hobbies, because fifteen years with somebody, all your hobbies
are so co mingled that like, you rarely get to
do the things that really truly make you happy because
your partner probably doesn't want to do them, and that's
not our relationships. But I have experienced that when we
started doing like little photography excursions before we were actually courting.

(35:52):
I realized at the time that like I was doing
something that I used to really truly love, and like
it got poisoned and it was as good as it
used to be, but I was still getting quality time
with somebody, and that filled up some of that silence
that it would have experienced sitting in the three bedroom,
two bathroom house. But I got to learn that like photography,
which was something that I fucking used to adore, it

(36:13):
was a huge part of my life, was no longer
that prevalent, and like I had to find new things
and got into podcasts and self help books and like
video editing and started doing other hobbies to like I
learned that I can throw access really well, yeah right,
Like there's just you know, so that part of finding
who you are and starting to learn to like yourself
again and doing the things that fill your cup and

(36:35):
makes you happy is important. So the worst year of
your life, by far is because you're half in, half out.
You're not doing any of that. You are literally just
being dangled along and every time there's a minor inconvenience,
you're the fucking bad guy. If you're the villain in
this woman's life, leave, Yeah, It's never too late to
reinvent yourself. And if you are the villain, if you
are a piece of shit human being, leaving gives you

(36:56):
the opportunity to start working on you without having to
deal with all of that shit, and she can start
healing herself as well.

Speaker 3 (37:05):
But is it? What about the fourteen years prior to
the garbage we went through? Am I just making an excuse?
I feel awful for doing it. If the roles were reversed,
I'd be devastated.

Speaker 4 (37:15):
I believe that. I believe that, But you did it.
Can't take it back right.

Speaker 3 (37:23):
Part of me wants to try again, But I look
back at all of the pain we have inflicted on
each other. It's hard to get past that. Am I
just comfortable living in sadness as well? If this email
gets read on your podcast, I hope it can bring
some change to a couple that hears it. Without communication, romance,
continued courtship, understanding, compromise, and patience, a relationship will be

(37:44):
difficult at best.

Speaker 4 (37:45):
Yeah, he said that, what about the last fourteen years
prior to the garbage? You didn't say the last fourteen years?
You said three years ago she did that shit with
the hair thing. You said that you guys have been
ugly towards each other. So now you're now changing the
neir of the conversation in your mind to justify that
this has only been the last year instead of the
entire relationship. Right, that's hopium.

Speaker 3 (38:08):
Yeah, wasn't the very first sentence that their fifteen year
relationship has always been a mess. My entire relationship with
my now wife fifteen years has been nothing but dysfunction.

Speaker 4 (38:17):
Yeah, so this is this is what we do to ourselves.
We lay awake at night going, oh man, I should
go back, Oh man, what if what if this is?

Speaker 1 (38:25):
What if this was a mistake?

Speaker 3 (38:27):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (38:27):
What if our best years were to come. What if?
What if? What if? What if?

Speaker 4 (38:30):
Instead of going there is nothing here that indicates that
that's what's going to happen. We've aired all of our
dirty laundry, We've had numerous conversations, nothing gets changed. We
are in perpetual conflict all the fucking time. I'm always
the bad guy. She won't listen, whatever, whatever, whatever, Because
you it's hope you were. You were loving the idea

(38:52):
of what could be instead of facing the reality of
currently what is? Yep, yeah, that's problematic as fun. What
would you do in that situation.

Speaker 3 (39:03):
I would continue with the divorce. I would find hobbies.
I would make it a point to try and see
the children, right, have a documented texting tray out of
hey can I see the kids? When can I see
the kids? And if she denies that, that's something that
you can use in court. I would take this time

(39:23):
to find me outside of that fifteen year mess of
a relationship.

Speaker 1 (39:27):
I agree with that. I would. I would. I would move.

Speaker 4 (39:31):
Out, Yeah, and I would go. I would just leave,
leave everything. I would start clean. I gotta be honest.
I wouldn't want the energy, I don't want the furniture.
I don't want the fuck TV's I don't want the bed. Yeah,
I'll take the clothes that I know I'm going to
enjoy wearing for the next three or four months because
I'm going to buy a new wardrobe. I'm going to
completely reinvent who I am as a person during the
process of learning to love myself. And is it gonna suck?

(39:52):
Absolutely find a new place being alone at night, not
having anything to do. I'm probably gonna fucking kill a
whole lot of time doom scrolling, which may make me depressed,
but I'm going to start doing the things, and I'm
going to start completely fresh. I'd rather just fucking burn
it all and start over, but I want that clean
break that half and half hour shit.

Speaker 1 (40:12):
It can happen.

Speaker 3 (40:13):
Oh it's a destroyer.

Speaker 4 (40:14):
Yeah yeah, let's do one more. Okay, we're at forty
eight minutes four hour response.

Speaker 3 (40:20):
My fiance has a five year old daughter. I would
like to make clear that my relationship with her is amazing.
I love her and consider her as my own and
she has bonded with me a lot in the last
two years, and it has even called me mommy, which
we had to correct because it made her mom mad. However,
she is not my fiance's biological daughter.

Speaker 1 (40:42):
Wow, okay, so you really have no ties to this kid?

Speaker 3 (40:46):
Yeah, okay that.

Speaker 4 (40:48):
Is such oh my word, Like, that is such a
fucking statement to make.

Speaker 3 (40:53):
Yeah. I wasn't expecting that.

Speaker 4 (40:55):
No, me either, And I was getting ready to have
a whole last conversation about how if you're acting more
like mom and she's calling you mom like, there's a
reason for that. But to find out he's not even dad, Like, Okay,
I'm in it.

Speaker 1 (41:07):
Yeah, buckle in.

Speaker 3 (41:09):
My fiance has a pass and he was in prison
when his ex had an affair and got pregnant. He
made the choice to follow through after his release and
gave this little girl his last name and signed her
birth certificate and took the role of her father. He
then married his ex soon after, which only lasted about
a year. Once he filed for divorce and left her,

(41:29):
the child's mother filed for child support on him, even
though he was still active in his daughter's life. Their
divorce was finalized in twenty twenty one, and he and
I started a serious relationship in twenty twenty three. The
first two months after he made things official and asked
for his daughter to be introduced to me with a
nightmare dealing with her. She constantly talked bad about me.

(41:51):
She would say raunchy, thirst trap like things to him,
trying to get his attention. She would tell him how
broken she is because he moved on and doesn't want
to be with her, and would tell him that their
daughter will never be allowed around another female if he
chooses not to be with her. Disgusting behavior.

Speaker 1 (42:12):
It's fucking insane, isn't it.

Speaker 3 (42:13):
Absolutely disgusting behavior.

Speaker 1 (42:15):
I've heard that a lot.

Speaker 3 (42:18):
Yeah, I can. I can understand why some men think
that women are just crazy.

Speaker 1 (42:23):
Well, you got to think too.

Speaker 4 (42:25):
When women, younger women, I'm not saying all women, but
a lot of younger women believe that when they have
a baby with somebody that that's it, that that's their
motherfucker for the rest of their life, because it's what
we're told. You're supposed to grow up and have a
family and get married and do the life thing. Young
women are naive, young men are horny, like the oops
are the accidents that happen and the idea of the

(42:47):
family without any real life experience. From eighteen to twenty five,
you're a child still, Oh yeah, you are just learning
the way of the world without your parents fixing everything
for you. And you can't fix a pregnancy, can't undo
a birth. So like, in this situation, it not even
being his I under no circumstances what I've signed that

(43:08):
birth certificate. He is now responsible for child support for
another man's child, and that dude is completely off the hook. Yeah,
so that statement kind of negates what I was saying
about the whole family aspect. But if he stepped up
and was trying to play dad and this chick actually
loved him and they were just toxic for each other,
this will never end. Oh no, she will always cross boundaries.

(43:31):
She will always be the person to like try to
say slick shit, or make flirty jokes or hate does
my ass look cute in this dress? Like that shit
will never stop because they have a bond. They were young, right,
we spent so much time together. It's so convoluted.

Speaker 3 (43:50):
The if you choose not to be with me, our
daughter will never be allowed to be around whoever you're
with is disgusting. She also can't stop that, right, realistically,
she can't stop that. The desperate grasp a control over
the situation. Literally the only thing you have to hold
over that man's head is the child.

Speaker 4 (44:08):
Right, well, even without him not being the biologically biological father,
because he signed their birth certificate, legally, that's his kid. Yeah,
and he could absolutely go to court and make this
a thing. So like there is an upside to that
if he really wants to be the dad to this
little girl. There's nothing that woman can do if they
go to court unless she can prove that he's an

(44:29):
unfit parent or like he's selling drugs out of his
house or whatever the case may be. He has a
right to this child.

Speaker 3 (44:36):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (44:37):
That manipulation shit scares men, Oh yeah, it does, and
men who don't want to go to court because they've
heard the horror stories about how their friend is paying
over one thousand dollars a month in child support.

Speaker 1 (44:48):
Right.

Speaker 4 (44:48):
I knew a guy twenty years ago that had three
kids in Florida and two kids in New Jersey, and
he was paying three thousand dollars a month in child' spport.
Almost every dime he made had to go to child support.
And I remember him telling me as the kids were
coming off, like turning eighteen, he was like, all right,
that kid's done.

Speaker 1 (45:06):
That kid's done.

Speaker 4 (45:07):
Well, this one's going to college now, and they just
reinstated the child' sport for the next two years of college.
And I was like, fuck, dude, So like I had
that fear, Now, I know that you get a fucking
lawyer and you let your lawyer deal with that shit
instead of trying to fight the court system on your own.
Make no mistake, family court systems is an industry and
it is a billion dollar a year industry. Judges, lawyers,

(45:28):
they all fucking get paid on this shit. The mediation people,
the pairalegals, everybody's got a stake in that game.

Speaker 3 (45:35):
At first, he checked every inappropriate and disrespectful thing that
she would say. He would stand his ground and tell
her that she will not play on his phone and
disrespect the person he's in a relationship with, but it
only made her scream and yell more. Eventually, I told
him that I was secure with our relationship. I fully
trusted him, and I know he respects and loves me,

(45:56):
So I told him to stop trying to defend himself,
just ignore it and don't pay attention to the remarks,
and keep his part of the conversation focused on his daughter,
which he did, and has done for the last two years.

Speaker 4 (46:07):
That's actually the answer to that. It is is this
about the kid? No click, yep, I don't have to
be on the phone with you. M hm oh you're
having a bad day. I don't give a fuck, right right,
And those conversations should be had when you guys have
ugly breakups like this, don't placate that shit because it's
going to just get worse and worse. Yeah, it doesn't

(46:27):
matter how amicable you want to be. If the other
person's not trying to be civil and the ugliness is happening,
it's not going to stop. And you can be as
civil as you want. People are going to continue to
attack because there's no repercussions to their actions.

Speaker 3 (46:40):
Right continuing. These comments and remarks still to this day,
are regularly said by her. For example, she refers to
me as his pet. A lot of women would have
walked away from this, not wanting to add, not wanting
the added stress or drama. However, the only thing I
could see was this man that dealt with this narcissistic
woman fighting too and now to have a relationship with

(47:01):
a child that's biologically not his. The only thing I
could think is This is the type of man I
want a family with.

Speaker 1 (47:08):
I wonder why that is.

Speaker 4 (47:10):
There's a lot to be said about all of this,
right on a psychological level, him still trying to do
the right thing and be if they're for that child,
because that child does think that he's dad is honorable.
We have a friend of ours who has three kids
and only one of them is his. The other two
are from a previous relationship of the woman, and now

(47:31):
that they're not together, they still think he's the dad,
and she still forces him to do things as if
he's dad. And he's never once when the cause the
kids are teenagers now and they're very ugly to him,
and he's never once been like, I'm not your fucking father.
I have to deal with this, right, he still plays
that role. This is a lot about the character of
the man. So in that aspect, this is the type

(47:52):
of man I want to start a family with. You
have a good you have a good man like there's
a lot of integrity in somebody like that, because he
could both bitches world up and he chooses not to
write and I use the term bitch in that situation
because she's conducted herself as one.

Speaker 3 (48:07):
Oh y.

Speaker 4 (48:07):
I think that's a fair assessment, and that's not me
being derogatory towards all women. This is very specific to
this email. I don't know, man. I think that I
would have liked more of an explanation as to why
she feels that way. Is it because he's also not
willing to have the text conversations where she's being flirty?
Is it because he was willing to step back and

(48:28):
stop trying to defend her? Like I could give a
whole lot of reasons why I think he's a good man,
but this is the type of man I want to
start a family with.

Speaker 1 (48:36):
Well, what are the other reasons? I just want to know.
I'm nosy.

Speaker 3 (48:39):
Yeah, after those first two months, his ex wife got
into a relationship and the disrespect stopped temporarily. I chose
to be the bigger person and treat her with respect,
so we were all able to get along and we
went through about six months all co parenting. Well. We
had his daughter for a week at a time and
she had her for a while week at a time.

(49:01):
There were no custody arrangements in place, and everything was peaceful.
This ended, though, when her relationship ended about six months later,
she went off the rails and started drinking heavily and
using crack cocaine. Children's Services got involved and his daughter
was placed with us. It's X through a fit that
we had her and told Children's Services that he wasn't

(49:22):
the little girl's biological father and pushed them to remove
her from our home.

Speaker 4 (49:27):
This is why you get a fucking court document. This
is why you get a custody agreement, and you have
all of that shit planned out before things get to
this point. Yeah, you need to You guys need to
do that. You need a custody agreement, whether you do
it through lawyers or not, it needs to be a
documented agreement that is notarized between two people period, because

(49:50):
at any point this could happen and him being on
the birth certificate doesn't matter if he's the biological father
or not. He's on the birth certificate. Right then, if
you think I'm wrong, think about all the stories that
you've heard of men who have paid child sport up
until the child is eighteen nineteen years old and then
found out that they weren't the dad. That money doesn't
get paid back. Court systems like get fucked, you were
the dad?

Speaker 3 (50:09):
Right?

Speaker 1 (50:10):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (50:11):
Continuing long story short, they ended up removing her using
his past as the reason. He had previous drug trafficking
charges and was a recovering addict when they placed her
with us. Originally, they had already screened his background and
said it was okay, along with random drug tests that
he passed. When they took her from US solely based
on his exes wants, his mental health went downhill bad.

(50:34):
I believe that this was the one and only time
that I'd ever seen him cry. He started to derail
and was on the verge of a relapse when I
pulled him aside and told him, if you want to
focus on your sobriety, then we need to discuss leaving
this town and getting away from your people, places and things.

Speaker 1 (50:50):
I agree with that too. That's actually very smart. Yeah,
that's what it took for me.

Speaker 3 (50:54):
After a few weeks of discussing this, he decided it
would be best decision. It would be the best decision
for his mental health and his sobriety, and he said
he wanted to move to Florida. He never said why,
but he also knew that it was always my dream
to move to Florida, So of course I agreed and
within a month, we picked up and moved from Ohio
to Florida. We started over completely. We have no friends

(51:16):
or family where we moved, and it was a hard
adjustment for the both of us, but we did it
and we got through it.

Speaker 1 (51:21):
She moved to Florida. Yeah, Florida.

Speaker 3 (51:25):
Once his ex regained custody of his daughter, he reached
out to her and she allowed him to call her
and talk to her. He ordered her groceries once a month,
bought his daughter's school clothes and shoes, and every need
that has ex said their daughter needed would be ordered
and delivered to their door. This went on for about
six months. She still was nasty and disrespectful towards me

(51:46):
and him both, and even though his child support had
been coming out of his check every week, she still
swears she didn't receive it. But we ignored it and
let it slide to be able to have that relationship
with his child.

Speaker 4 (51:57):
Pause. That's not how that works. You get a card
m hm in Florida. I don't know what state. In Ohio,
I don't know how it works. In Ohio and Florida.
You get a fucking debit card and everything that you
get child support goes onto that debit card, and if
you don't pay your child support, they suspend your license
and then put a warm out for your arrest.

Speaker 1 (52:14):
That's bullshit. This is why lawyers need to be involved.

Speaker 4 (52:18):
The moment she was like, I'm not getting the money
on my child support out of contact at a lawyer. I'm
not going to fucking lose my license or go to
jail because she's saying she's not getting her money.

Speaker 1 (52:27):
Yeah. I also wouldn't have tolerated any of that.

Speaker 4 (52:30):
No, any of it. Like, the disrespect has to stop.
We're not going to be doing this back and forth. Shit,
I'm not doing anything for you. If you can't respect
my situation, you don't have to like her. You don't
have to like me. I don't have to like you.
In fact, I don't. I'm doing this solely for the
child and unless you can treat me with civility, I'm
not talking to you. Yeah, and that's just all there
is to that. I would change my phone number. I

(52:53):
understand that he's trying to do the right thing because
he's the dad who's not the dad, but at some
point you have to protect the family that you have
versus the one you lost.

Speaker 3 (53:02):
Yeah, continuing, she allowed us to come see her and
keep her for a weekend here and there when we
could afford the trip in time off. It was only
two or three times in the six months that we
lived here. Every time he attempts to set boundaries with her,
she tells him, if you can't respect me, you don't
have access to my daughter.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (53:22):
They have been having an ongoing discussion about his daughter
coming to spend a week with us after Christmas while
she was on school break, to the point that she
even told their daughter she would let her come earlier
this week. He asked if we could drive to pick
up his daughter the Sunday after Christmas and bring her
home the sunday following that, she lost her mind and

(53:43):
flew off the handle and said until he starts helping
her provide for their child financially, he will never be
allowed to see her, Which is crazy, because we have
been providing everything we can. We live paycheck to paycheck.
We live comfortably, but we are not rich by any means,
and we don't have a big savings account to save
us if something happens. But we still help with everything

(54:04):
she asks for. He eventually hit his breaking point with
all of it and told her that he is washing
his hands of the situation. He has discussed us with
me multiple times before, but never had the heart to
give up each time. I have always told him that
it's not a decision that is my place to input on.

Speaker 1 (54:22):
I told him I love that.

Speaker 4 (54:25):
I fucking love that, But I disagree because you guys
are creating a life together. You have been a part
of this young girl's life for the last three or
four years. It is you do have input on this.
Any decisions made is going to affect the household, right.
I feel so fucking bad for this dude, Like, my
heart breaks for this guy. That sucks. Yeah, but don't

(54:47):
downplay your importance. And I fucking love that you're willing
to support his decision one way or the other. That
says a lot about being a good pillar of support
to your man, because you could be making a lot
of ugly in his life and he could be getting
it from both sides. She's choosing to be the bigger
person and support him, and regardless of her feelings, she's
doing it from a place of love. This is amazing. Yeah, ah,

(55:08):
it sucks, though it does suck.

Speaker 3 (55:11):
Continuing, I tell him that I will back any decision
that he chooses to make. I will understand it either way.
I give him my opinion on things when he asks
for it, But at the end of the day, it
is not my place to tell him to walk away
from a child he loves or tell him he needs
to continue suffering in order to play his role as
a father to a child that's not biologically his. I

(55:31):
emphasize biologically because to him and I both that will
still always be his daughter. No matter what he told
his ex, he wants absolutely nothing to do with her,
He doesn't want her in his life anymore, and that
it puts stress on him in his relationship with me.
He also told her the on and off bullshit. Allowing
him to talk to his daughter one day and then
not allowing him the next, or telling his daughter that

(55:53):
she's not allowed to see him anymore, is only confusing
his daughter and hurting her. Absolutely, this woman doesn't care
about her daughter's feelings or needs as a little girl.
He explained to her that he's hiring a lawyer to
have DNA done, child support dropped, and his name removed
from the birth certificate, and he said that when his
daughter is older, she will seek him out. He feels

(56:16):
that he has exhausted all efforts and it's no longer
his responsibility to continue trying.

Speaker 1 (56:20):
I agree with that.

Speaker 4 (56:23):
I do want to touch on the daughter seeking him out.
That's something that a lot of people hear. And though
it's true, keep in mind that you are going to
have to make a relationship with a complete stranger. Yeah,
that you may not like at six years old, seven
years old, the next ten years of their life, making
them eighteen nineteen years old to the point where they
come and seek you out. You don't know them and

(56:46):
they don't know you, and all that time, love is
going to fade. You are not going to have a
bond with that child the way that you do when
they become an adult. And if you don't do the
work to create that bond on both ends, you're not
going to reclaim that bond.

Speaker 3 (56:59):
Yes, continuing my feelings aside, I sent this email because
he really wants advice. Does this decision make him a
bad father? Is he give a gump on something that
he should continue to fight for. I really would like
an unbiased opinion on the issue. We can't go to
the family to talk about it because all of them
hate her, and I've been telling him for years to

(57:20):
walk away from it, and that no matter what he does,
it'll never be enough to his ex and I'll likely
be dealing with this until their daughter is eighteen.

Speaker 4 (57:27):
Okay, so let's before we do anything, let's let's how
do you feel about all this?

Speaker 3 (57:32):
He's in a really fucked up situation, And if I
were in this position as a woman, it's damn near
impossible for me to just not be parent right, Like,
there's not going to be a surprise, Oh we're having
a baby. She's gonna give birth and then just disappear,
so we're gonna be stuck raising this kid. That could

(57:54):
be the scenario. But I can't really speak on the
male aspect of all of that because I'm not a man.
I wouldn't tolerate this, though, knowing that I've gone above
and beyond with my own power in the situation, right
because your control ends out your fingertips, I would go

(58:14):
to court, and because my name is on the birth certificate,
I want fifty to fifty custody, and with that fifty
to fifty custody, I'm not paying child support anymore. That
would be. I have done everything in my power, getting
the lawyer involved, trying to gain custody, all those kinds
of things. If that fell through, then I would go ahead,

(58:35):
do the DNA test, prove that I'm not the biological father,
and I'm not paying child support anymore.

Speaker 1 (58:39):
And that may not work. Yeah, you signed the birth certificate,
that's the thing.

Speaker 3 (58:43):
Yeah. I would also make it a point to seek
her out when she's an adult. I wouldn't wait for
her to make that move because she's still in this
dynamic the child. And I think if a parental figure
or an elder and the relationship doesn't make it a
point to form the relationship, that that's a lot of

(59:04):
pressure to put on a young person.

Speaker 4 (59:05):
I agree. I think he's a good man. Yeah, I
think he's done a lot that he didn't have to do.
And I think that she's made so much drama in
his life that at some point, and this is hypothetical,
I would imagine that he did get it from both
sides because she said that he told her that he's
making problems in his new relationship. You could only push

(59:27):
a good person so far before they break and become
a bad guy. And then when he breaks and becomes
a bad guy, then it's gonna be see. I told
you all along this was what was going on. Blah
blah blah blah blah. My unbiased opinion not being in
this situation is he needs to get a lawyer, either
get fifty to fifty custody or fucking wipe his hands
from this. Yeah, he should not have signed the birth certificate.
And I know that that does nothing now because that's

(59:50):
hindsight shit. But for those of you who are listening,
if you find yourself in this situation, do not fucking
sign a birth certificate for a child that you know
is not yours. You will be responsible for that child
for their entire life.

Speaker 1 (01:00:02):
Don't do that shit.

Speaker 4 (01:00:05):
I believe he should get DNA tests because of things
like this, and because of all the ugly I've seen,
regardless of the relationship, when children are coming into the world,
I believe DNA test needs to be done. I don't
care if that makes me a bad guy. I don't
care if people disagree with it because of what we
do for a living. Any of my friends ever said
my girl's pregnant and be like DNA test, But I

(01:00:27):
love her. I don't give a fuck. If you love
her or not, I don't care if she claims to
be the daughter of Jesus. You get a fucking DNA test,
because even if you don't, all it will take is
that one person be like yo, I heard she slept
around with you while she was pregnant or before she
got pregnant. Now you have that, I don't know what
if right, and that shit will haunt you. My unbiased

(01:00:48):
opinion in this is that you've got a good man
who's being fucking treated poorly and he's finally getting to
the point where he's not going to take it anymore,
and he's doing what needs to happen. I don't think
he's gonna be able to get the name taken off
the birth certificate, and he may not even be able
to get child sport canceled. But I do think he
needs to get a DNA test, which because he knows
the kid's not his. That was very clear. I think

(01:01:08):
it's crazy that she says their daughter, and whenever she
fucking needs something, but it's my daughter. Otherwise when she's mad, Yeah,
I wouldn't.

Speaker 1 (01:01:15):
I would.

Speaker 4 (01:01:15):
I would have done that as soon as she took
him for child support but you know hindsight twenty twenty again.

Speaker 1 (01:01:23):
Right, I think this is the last paragraph.

Speaker 3 (01:01:26):
Okay, your opinions would be very much appreciated in this
situation because he and I are both confused, lost, and hurting.
Little girl has become a part of our everyday life,
a part of our family, and my daughter even refers
to his daughter as her sister. The girls are super
close and love each other, and it really pisses me
off that this forty something year old woman does not

(01:01:46):
care about the trauma she is putting not just her
own daughter through, but also my daughter as well by
the wishy washy, spiteful behavior. I don't know what to
do other than just supporting his decision no matter what
it is. But he also is not sure on what
his next step should be. Does he follow through with
what he said and choose his own piece, or does
he keep fighting to be a part of his daughter's life.

Speaker 4 (01:02:07):
It's not his daughter, and I think that's ultimately the
main thing there, and even if he was the daughter,
at some point, you either need to get custody of
the kid or become distant because you can't live your
entire life being tortured by somebody that's able to dangle
shit over your head. Custody agreements need to happen. Court
agreements need to happen. You need to get a fucking lawyer.

(01:02:27):
All that extra money that he's sending, like, all of it, Yeah,
doesn't fucking matter to the court system.

Speaker 1 (01:02:33):
They don't care.

Speaker 4 (01:02:34):
Unless it's like done properly as a gift through the
child supporting system. That money doesn't exist. It's a gift.
It's not a payment, right, it doesn't matter. All the
money that you've spent, or that he has spent, could
have gone to a lawyer, and you can find lawyers
who will work a case for a flat fee, that
will do the entire thing for a flat rate. It
may not be a lot or may it may not
be easy to pay.

Speaker 1 (01:02:55):
You may have to.

Speaker 4 (01:02:55):
Max out a credit card or take out a fucking
mortgage on your home whatever to make that happen, or
so a car whatever, But that needs to happen. I
think the answer to this is that he does need
to follow through with his decision. I also think that
having that girl coming back and forth in the house
and the mom doing what the mom is doing is
going to fuck up your daughter and at that point,
how can you say that you are in a relationship

(01:03:15):
with a man that you don't have an opinion in.
At what point do you have to go wait a minute,
this is now traumatizing my child, right, and if you
want me to be here, we need to have a
real discussion of what this looks like going forward, because
there's another innocent, a second innocent bystander in this who's
being fucked up. Yeah right, there's a whole lot of
that discussion that needs to happen too.

Speaker 1 (01:03:36):
I don't know.

Speaker 4 (01:03:38):
I don't like the situation. I think it absolutely fucking
sucks that that's what they're going through.

Speaker 3 (01:03:43):
I agree, you have.

Speaker 4 (01:03:44):
Anything else that you want to add on that while
I move the email, No, I do not. That's rough, man,
it is really rough. I think it's gonna be the
last one for this episode. Okay, puts us a little
over an hour in. I did not look at the
chats at all through any of that, because as we
were reading the email, I was seeing comments and it
was distracting the shit out of my brain.

Speaker 1 (01:04:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:04:07):
So for all of you who are chatting and like
conversing with us, just know that I had the email
pulled up over top of the screen so that we
couldn't see any of it. So if you guys had
really good points, I apologize, but we're in We're in it.
We're in the AutoZone trying to focus the focus. Focus
needs more focus here focus.

Speaker 3 (01:04:25):
Hey, guys, a little quick interruption. If you're enjoying the content,
please leave alike, and also don't forget to comment. We
enjoy interacting with you guys and hearing your opinions and
it helps the algorithm.

Speaker 4 (01:04:34):
It's also free to do, and if you really want
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It costs you nothing and it greatly helps the show.
So with that being said, guys, thank you for tuning
into the episode. We hope you found it informative. Remember
you were the author of your.

Speaker 1 (01:04:49):
Own life, So grab a pen and we will see
you on the next one.

Speaker 3 (01:04:52):
Bye, guys,