His side of the story S3 Ep 38

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Look up with count all the things we beat it
on the bottom. Oh oh wow, is you you're my
favorite views? But that's not Grand Rising family.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hello there you beautiful bitches.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
We are back. We're back back again.

Speaker 2 (00:31):
Oh I went to back in black.

Speaker 1 (00:33):
Yeah, okay, I know, all right now, yeah, bucket. Yesterday
we did two episodes, one of the most the phrasing
episode that was just fun conversation for us, and then
we did episode three thirty seven of the two b
Better Podcast, Season three, episode thirty seven, which was her
side of the story. And I believe today is going
to be his version sent by her if I unless

(00:53):
I misunderstood that.

Speaker 2 (00:55):
No, he typed it out.

Speaker 1 (00:56):
He typed it out. Okay, Uh, yesterday's episode was fire?
Was it? It was fire? I edited that shit and
like I wanted to clip and like post right away.
I don't like that we're so far ahead. I love
that we have the cushion to take a break when
we want to take a break. But I don't like that,
Like I couldn't just post the clip and be like,
this is coming soon.

Speaker 2 (01:15):
Why don't we put them in backlog?

Speaker 1 (01:17):
What do you mean?

Speaker 2 (01:17):
So take down the episodes? I know it's going to
be a process. Take down the episodes, start filling in
with more recent things, and if we end up going
on vacation, pull from that backlog, post for a few weeks,
and then add to the backlog, keep posting new things.

Speaker 1 (01:35):
I don't know. I like the way that it's set up.
I just want to share the cool moments right away,
like you flicking me off and the whole tongue biting
conversation and all of that. Like there was a lot
of fun in yesterday's episode. Yeah, so we are back
in front of Patreon again. Guys, thank you for being here.
For those of you who are watching in Discord, we
still don't have internet, still don't know internet is coming.

(01:56):
I still haven't heard back from Comcast about when the
appointment's going to be scheduled for this to even come
out and do the install. We were hoping it would
be this week, but it's Tuesday and I still haven't
gott an email back, so we don't know.

Speaker 2 (02:07):
I I you know, I knew this was going to
be a thing. This is like terrible dating. I trusted
Comcast when I shouldn't have. I knew what was going
to happen. I did this to myself. I need to
raise my standards.

Speaker 1 (02:19):
Yeah. Yeah, well we can't raise it any higher than
Comcast because they're the only ones that's providing internet where
we live.

Speaker 2 (02:24):
So is this like a Rockefeller thing? Yea monopoly?

Speaker 1 (02:28):
Yeah, it technically kind of is, because they won't Other
other service providers won't service the area where Comcast is at,
especially if you live in like a deed community. So
like the community right there, that's all Comcasts now. Fifteen
years from now, there might be a different service provider
from here. But it's been six years since we've been here,
and this is the first time we've had the chance
to get internet. So yeah, I need to blow my

(02:50):
nose while you pull up the email and then we
can just jump into it unless you have things to
talk about.

Speaker 2 (02:54):
I do.

Speaker 1 (02:55):
Okay, let me blow my nose real quick and then
we'll get into the conversation.

Speaker 2 (02:58):
Okay, iggy, I was talking it well, North Carolina's happening soon,
so you'll have a very nice break and we'll get
to fill our cups. I am so over the software update.
I don't understanding do this on your own. This is
why you were a robot morning, Good morning, I look
you in red. Thank you. I try to like do

(03:20):
the accessories decently as the women's retreat sold out? Not yet.
I believe we have three bunk beds left and what
do you say? Four? Four private rooms? Good?

Speaker 1 (03:34):
Sorry, sorry I kicked my camera as I was coming
back in. We have three bunks left, and we have
like five or six of the full rooms left. Okay,
the full rooms are more expensive, so people are less
likely to buy them. Somebody asked if you would be
willing to let people double bunk in those rooms if
they wanted to, and I was like, I don't think
that's a good idea because there's already twenty five people coming.
Oh gosh, and if we double bunk, that would put

(03:55):
us up to thirty five, but it would sell those
spots out. So that's something that you need to decide,
because ultimately, this is your retreat, not mine.

Speaker 2 (04:05):
What would that bring the number up to.

Speaker 1 (04:06):
Thirty five if every single room double bunked. It won't
be that way because the one room that doesn't have
a bathroom has already been booked out, and so is
one of the other bedrooms. A lot of ladies, there's
a lot of people.

Speaker 2 (04:16):
Yep, Okay, you know. I did put some thought into that,
and at first I thought, like, that's going to be
really really overwhelming. It's gonna be a busy weekend for me.

Speaker 1 (04:28):
Yep, it will be.

Speaker 2 (04:30):
I had a couple of ladies offer help in the
discord who have already reserved their rooms. One woman. I'm
not going to name anybody because I don't know how
some people feel about that. She has a culinary background.
She's like, I can help with the cooking lessons and
we could do like split cooking lessons for both, because
if we have thirty something people, put them in the

(04:51):
two groups. She could host a cooking lesson. I could
host a cooking lesson in the evening.

Speaker 1 (04:56):
Yeah. Yeah, hardness is for me to not be involved
in all of this.

Speaker 2 (05:00):
Why do you say that?

Speaker 1 (05:01):
Because I want to be involved in all of this?
Like what, like I want to participate?

Speaker 2 (05:06):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (05:06):
Can I identify as a woman for a weekend.

Speaker 2 (05:09):
I don't think that's how that works.

Speaker 1 (05:10):
I mean I had to check. You know, you guys
are gonna be doing a bunch of cool shit, and
like there's gonna be a bunch of people from our discord,
and like I want to be able to interact and
like if you're doing any type of coaching or there's
relationship discussions, like I really want to be a part
of all of that.

Speaker 2 (05:24):
I feel like I'm just you want to participate in
it or you want to observe it.

Speaker 1 (05:28):
I want to participate. I want to be involved. It's
the first time that we've done something completely without each other. Yeah,
it's hard, you.

Speaker 2 (05:36):
Know, realistically, if all of the rooms don't sell out,
you can bring like Sean or somebody, and you guys
can seclude yourselves.

Speaker 1 (05:45):
Yeah, you can just bring the PlayStation and play video
games all weekend. Yeah, it's been a while since been
able to play Call of Duty. I got a whole
lot of time to catch up on.

Speaker 2 (05:53):
Yeah, if you had, if you had the desire to
do a mend retreat, I don't think it'll sell.

Speaker 1 (05:59):
No, Okay, didn't even finish well, because I'll obviously I
want you to finish. I just I just don't believe
that there is enough of want in me to host
something like that for people to actually do it. I
could run a pole to see if men would be
interested in the discord, but our discord is heavily saturated
with women.

Speaker 2 (06:18):
Yeah, I think it'll be a smaller scale. If there
was a men's retreat out one hundred percent good.

Speaker 1 (06:23):
It had to be something that we'd have to look
into it and I have to figure out how to
make that work so that it was beneficial. What were
you going to say?

Speaker 2 (06:30):
Would you want me to go with you? I would
want you to be Do you want me to stay
home so you can have like a Truly, I'm not
going to be security, you know.

Speaker 1 (06:38):
But I would still want you to be there. I wouldn't.
I wouldn't leave you. I mean that would be dope.
Cook for all those guys. Fuck, that's price of the admission. Yeah,
gravy and biscuits Saturday morning and a big ass dinner,
throw it down in the kitchen, and by then we
might have our own fruit and vegetables. Our garden might
be producing fruits by then. I don't know.

Speaker 2 (06:54):
I would like to do that for you. I feel
like that's my equivalent of being you being security for me.

Speaker 1 (06:59):
Yeah. I also don't want you be in here when
I'm not. Yeah, like I don't I sleeping in the
same bed matters to me.

Speaker 2 (07:07):
Oh that just stop? It? Is it my button?

Speaker 1 (07:14):
So what did you have?

Speaker 2 (07:15):
Oh? So it's stupid. It's stupid. So I'm going to
put some more thought into before we get too far
away from the women's retreat thing. We have forty six people.
I know some ladies in here are already going. So
I'm going to talk to you ladies in the women's
retreat discord. I'm also going to name it something I
don't know what I want to name it yet, but
something memorable, and talk to you all about whoever wants

(07:39):
to volunteer for the weekend to do something just because
you want to participate or help in the group. So
if I have enough ladies who are willing to volunteer
and go beyond just participating but teaching or like the
cooking lessons kind of thing, I may increase that number
and allow the shared rooms if they if they have
split payments or something and they pay for it together

(08:01):
or whatever.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
I would also think for the right the right circumstance,
we could also give away one of those rooms.

Speaker 2 (08:08):
Yeah, I think we could. Definitely, it's a lot.

Speaker 1 (08:11):
Apple Fritter asked if there was bunks ofvilla, but there's
still three bunks real quick. Crystal said something about doing
a retreat with that I I don't. I don't want
to share space with people anymore. I enjoy doing a
podcast with him, and he's he is a friend of mine,
like I enjoy his presence, but I don't want to
do things where I am floating all of the risk
and only taking half of the reward. You know, when

(08:34):
we when we do these things and we partner with
other people, they make half of what we're doing. I
don't want to do that anymore. Personally, I don't want
to do that. If you decide to continue doing that,
I mean, that's totally I don't care what you decided
to do in those aspects. But for me, I'm not
trying to double up with people. Yeah, because it's our
draw that's making the sales. At least it would be

(08:54):
with him and I because even though he has a following,
it's very different than what we're doing. So I would
rather maybe bring in a special guest for a day
to do a seminar if it would that would make sense.
But I'm not splitting, like I would rather just pay
them for their hour of time versus the entire weekend.
That also takes up a room that could be sold.
Like there's a whole lot of like financial reward and

(09:16):
loss that would be a problem for me. Just thoughts,
a lot of thoughts.

Speaker 2 (09:22):
Is it weird that I feel like I'm using the
ladies if they volunteer their time to do something at
their retreat.

Speaker 1 (09:27):
I can see why you would do that, Why you
would feel that way. There's a whole lot of I
don't want anything from anyone without them being paid for it,
because I don't want anyone to say that we ever
took advantage of them. I totally fucking get that. That's
why I've been so apt to pay everyone anytime somebody's
asked me to do, like, hey we can help, I'm
going to give you money. Yeah, because I don't want
you to ever come back and say, hey, I did
this for you and you owe me. Fuck that.

Speaker 2 (09:46):
I can't handle thirty something women on my own though.

Speaker 1 (09:49):
Yeah, well we don't have to be thirty twenty five
is there? Yeah, well technically it's twenty four because you
make twenty five. So we can, I mean, we can
you have time if this does sell out, we can
raffle off rooms for help. Okay, you know we can, Like, okay,
we need to cook this weekend? Who can cook, you
just gotta pay for their flight, like that would still
be a benefit to people. What were you going to

(10:10):
say besides the retreat thing?

Speaker 2 (10:11):
Okay? So I made some notes. So there's been two
things that I recognized about our washing machine. Do you
remember how I went on that rant about how I
hate that our appliance is sing to us. So the
first part of this is I can tell when the
washing machine is done before it pings by like thirty seconds.

(10:34):
I'm in tune with my appliances. Okay, wild second part is,
do you know what the story yellow wallpaper is? No?
So it's a story.

Speaker 1 (10:46):
Is this going to tie in?

Speaker 2 (10:47):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (10:47):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (10:48):
It's a story about a woman. I want to say.
This is in the eighteen hundreds. Her husband's a doctor,
and she has some type of severe mental illness. They
don't know how to treat it in that time, and
her wife, being a doctor, said the solution is to
seclude you, and that he locked her in this yellow
wallpapered room that had all of these lines on it,

(11:10):
and she hated it, and she was locked in there
for months on it. And I believe it's been a
while since I've read the story. I just redownloaded it
because I think it's like twenty eight pages, very short,
but the premise of it is really good. And over time,
as she's living in that room day after day with
like minimal human interaction and is not allowed to leave,
she starts to believe that she needs the yellow wallpaper

(11:35):
to survive. So she goes from hating being in this
room and like despising this yellow pallpaper and wanting to
replace it, to like looking for coded messages and if
she leaves the room, it's going to be detrimental and
all these kinds of things. And I kind of feel
like I'm yellow wallpaper in the with the washing machine
because I don't hate that it sings to me anymore.
It's it feels like it's a part of me.

Speaker 1 (11:57):
Now, I thought you're going to se you figured out
how to turn the notifications off because you can.

Speaker 2 (12:02):
No. I knew that, okay, but then I forget about it,
and then I have to do laundry again the next day.

Speaker 1 (12:07):
Yeah, and our purge of the house, one of the
things that we need to do is get in there
and like deep vacuum out that dry event. Yeah, it's
not been done for a while since Joey was here,
so it's been at least two years.

Speaker 2 (12:17):
But that's it.

Speaker 1 (12:18):
Well, how did you enjoy the plant shopping yesterday? This
will be airing right after the last one where we
said we were going to do that. That was a
really good plant store.

Speaker 2 (12:26):
They had everything.

Speaker 1 (12:27):
They were overpriced. They were way overpriced compared to what
we've got where we live. But they had all the
things that we were looking for except for like two plants.

Speaker 2 (12:36):
I'm going to be honest, I don't think that they
were that overpriced. I do for how big the plants are,
I do, and for how dope the plants are.

Speaker 1 (12:45):
My goodness, they had a variety I got caw that
overpriced is probably what's keeping them open. Yeah, but it
was definitely overpriced. I also want to go back down
that road and harvest some of that grass.

Speaker 2 (12:56):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (12:57):
Buff Bell asked you you found Lontana.

Speaker 2 (12:59):
Yeah, you know what I did. It was at that
place that we went to, not the far drive, but
the place that we went the day before where we go. Yes,
they had a whole shelf of it. And I looked
at my husband and I was like, Babe, we need
to get all of this. And then we left and
I totally forgot about it. We pulled up into the
driveway and I was going to get my Atlanta out
of the truck, and I was like.

Speaker 1 (13:20):
Oh, I don't know, are you talking about that?

Speaker 2 (13:24):
No, we walked up on it. What is It's a
pollinator tractor?

Speaker 1 (13:30):
Oh okay. We have two more Maringa trees coming today,
so we'll have four of them, five of them and
different stages of their life. And I'm super super excited
about that because that is like a super food. That
entire tree is edible. All of the the you know,
the leaves and all of that stuff has a whole
lot of anti inflammatory shit. And I really don't want

(13:51):
to be on any type of pharmaceutical pills, but something's
got to give with this arthritis shit. So body's falling apart.
I specifically this thumb, this elbow in my back.

Speaker 2 (14:02):
Do you remember in Ratituey, this is so stupid when
they were going through the kitchen staff you've seen Attitude?

Speaker 1 (14:10):
Yeah, I've watched it with you guys.

Speaker 2 (14:11):
Dope. Yeah, we've watched it like a million times. That's
one of my favorite movies. The kids love that movie.
And they're going through the kitchen staff and they get
up on like the second in command, I can't su
Chef or whatever his name was, and he was like,
and I killed a man with this thumb, and that's
what I thought. I don't know why I thought you.

Speaker 1 (14:28):
Were DH Holmes said, I love maring. I use it
my beard oil. I will be using it in I'll
be using the leaves specifically in smoothies three times a
week or daily, I don't know. It depends on how
big the trees get. If I can use it daily
and harvest from different trees and not stun the trees growth,
I'll do it daily. The seeds are good for oil.
I bought you a oil press today off of Amazon,

(14:51):
so you can make your own seed oils to cook with.
My goal, like my twenty thirty goal, is to have
the food forest to be completely independent, with fruits and vegetables,
no debt other than the mortgage payment. And obviously looking
into land, I would like to buy land, yeah, but

(15:11):
I would like to do it as like a second space,
so that this remains home. And that is retirement because
we can set up and build another food forest and
let it grow and do its thing while we're still
living here.

Speaker 2 (15:24):
I love that idea. Yeah, isn't there a projector for
the pool at the house that we're doing the woman's retreat?

Speaker 1 (15:31):
I have no idea.

Speaker 2 (15:32):
Almost certain usaw a projector. I think there's a projector
somewhere Bell. We might be able to do a movie.
There's a movie theater, beautiful.

Speaker 1 (15:39):
There is a movie theater in there?

Speaker 2 (15:40):
All right, that works?

Speaker 1 (15:41):
Yeah, it's a mansion.

Speaker 2 (15:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (15:43):
I'm so excited and you just can't hide it.

Speaker 2 (15:45):
I'm about to lose control.

Speaker 1 (15:47):
But do you like it? I love when you're excited.
All right, let's let's do the email thing.

Speaker 2 (15:53):
Okay, after this, you want to do food? I yes,
I'm peckish. I'm not done. I'm so sorry. I want
to take a second and thank everybody who takes the
time to make us something and mail it to us.
Thank you to everybody who makes us something and sends
it to us, or picks out like hand, picks out
rocks and crystals and send them to us. I really
appreciate the time that it takes for you guys to

(16:15):
do that. You could really be doing anything else. And
the reason I thought of that is because Kelly, she
has an Instagram. I meant to grab the stick where
I forgot to. She made me these glasses chains and
their tigers eye. Love that, and I love how earthy
they are.

Speaker 1 (16:30):
We have become such fucking hippies.

Speaker 2 (16:34):
Yeah, it's fun, though it is. I'm enjoying life. Yeah,
I like this version of me more than when the
podcast started. I love that I feel older, wiser, Oh
my gosh, just like that. It's not Sarah McLoughlin. Is
it that song about the mountains.

Speaker 1 (16:53):
I have no idea what you're talking about.

Speaker 2 (16:55):
Children get older. I'm getting older.

Speaker 1 (16:58):
Too, I'll know it.

Speaker 2 (17:00):
Oh my gosh, you guys know it. Come on, I cry.
I'm getting emotional now just thinking about it. Stevie Nicks,
oh Fleetwood Mac.

Speaker 1 (17:08):
For those of you who actually do want to send
us stuff, we still have a po box.

Speaker 2 (17:12):
We do.

Speaker 1 (17:12):
It's on our website too, the number two Bebetter dot com.
So if you guys want to send us stuff, you
can send us to peo box. We love getting things,
little trinkets and things that you make.

Speaker 2 (17:21):
Yeah, and really it could be dead leaves, find a
neat look and dead beetle on your porch, and it's
gonna take time to mail it. But I wouldn't be
mad about it. Okay.

Speaker 1 (17:32):
So we're getting into the email now, yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 (17:34):
Did that take too long?

Speaker 1 (17:35):
Noah, okay, I just am trying to stay on top
of what we're doing.

Speaker 2 (17:39):
Do you have anything else you want to touch on?

Speaker 1 (17:41):
I'm ready.

Speaker 2 (17:41):
Okay, Christin Peach, my wife and I are writing to
you for some advice in our relationship. We struggle with communication.
We do care deeply about one another and want to
make this relationship work. I just realized they have no
context of the first email. Oh, they're just you guys,
have no idea.

Speaker 1 (18:00):
You should probably recap yesterday's email a little bit. Okay,
just for those who are tuning in that miss last
week's episode.

Speaker 2 (18:07):
So this is an eleven page email. I want to
say the first six pages was the wife. Yes, her
six pages was the wife, and she had a lot
of things happened to her. She has a lot of
things going on. One thing that really stood out to
my husband and I is that she said she suffers
from her diagnosis diagnosses. I just I really feel like

(18:30):
that diagnosses sounds so much better. Y'all can get me
for it. I feel like it needs to be universally
accepted it sounds very scientific. I'm doing it on purpose, Okay, okay.
So she suffers from all of those things, and we
had a little bit of a conversation about how when
you lean into your mental illnesses or your traumas or

(18:53):
triggers or PTSD and allow it to take control of
you versus learning how to take ownership over it, live
your life despite it, not live your life in the
shadow of it. So we had that conversation. We talked
a little bit about how there was a lot of

(19:13):
abuse that happened. She commented on some fucked up things
in her childhood that led to amnesia and what sounded
like blackouts, because I don't think amnesia happens in the moment.
I think amnesia, you'd like, I don't know however that works.
She would hit him, and the little mock that was

(19:36):
I'm assuming prior to therapy. During therapy, things were a
little bit all over the place. There wasn't a definitive
timeline of things. And they are currently at a point
where he does not feel like he can say anything
in the relationship without it being a fight. She gave
an example of a conversation.

Speaker 1 (19:52):
And give multiple examples she did.

Speaker 2 (19:55):
The one that I'm commenting on that I remember because
it stood out to me was her talking about how
he should have recognized that she was upset and reeled
her in. She didn't say it like that. That was
my takeaway from what was said, and that's an issue
if you can't reel yourself back in. I understand there's

(20:17):
extreme emotional moments and there needs to be like a hey,
I didn't mean it that way, X, Y, and Z.
There also needs to be a step back moment of
this isn't about me, this is a conversation. Can you
elaborate on what was just said? Have a conversation, be
like thank you for that, I took it personally, whatever, whatever, whatever.
A couple of examples were given, like my husband said,

(20:37):
and they were all very much blaming him, and arguments
boiled down to him having to either explained why he
explained why he's becoming defensive or defend the fact that
he wasn't being defensive. And seems like a lot of
things were taken personally. A lot of things were taking
out of context, Like my husband and I have talked

(21:00):
about on the podcast, when it comes to being angry
and yelling that thing didn't make you yell. You already
had the pent up frustration. You just wanted that one
reason to let it out. That came from the courage
to be disliked. If anybody wants to check out that book,
And that's kind of how that was coming across to
me a little bit, that she was looking for that

(21:22):
one thing to freak out on. At the end of
the email, she talked about there was a little bit
of accountability within the email. She talked about how she
has gotten to therapy and worked on things and how
she used to manipulate situations and there are still a
few kinks in the hose that need to be worked
out on. But she has put a lot of work
into herself to not be who she was in the past.

(21:43):
So I don't want to take away from that at all.
She multiple times in the email said that she wants
us to point out what she could be missing in
what's going on that she wants to she wants to
see what she can't see. She wants us to do
what we do, and we did what we did.

Speaker 1 (22:00):
She needs to do a lot more therapy.

Speaker 2 (22:01):
Yes, a lot more therapy, a lot more self growth,
a lot more this is a team effort and not
a I need to be soothed, I need to be
checked on, I need to be maintained, those kinds of things.
And then at the end of the email, she said
something along the lines of I know he can be
who I believe he can be, or something like that,
I can't wait to see the growth in him. The

(22:22):
whole email came across as he's the problem. He's the problem,
and that didn't sit right in my bones mine either.
So this is husband's side to Chris and Peach. My
wife and I are writing to you for some advice
in our relationship. We struggle with communication. We do care
deeply about one another and want to make this relationship work.
I'm writing separately to her side of the story first,

(22:45):
so it may be more beneficial to read hers before
my own.

Speaker 1 (22:47):
We did.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
I'm hoping to reach out and find a way to
find remedies for our issues, but I also know it
is entirely on us to make it work. We both
come from different and difficult walks in life. We have
our own physical and mental issues. We do our best
to work past them. She told me about you both.
I've seen a few shorts on Chris's side, she brings

(23:09):
most of the advice to me and writes it down,
and writes down many things that can be useful for us.
So I want to pause. She did touch on that
in her email about sending him things and clips, and
she made it sound like he was pretty snarky about that.
I can find my own videos, and he even said
that he's seen a couple of your videos.

Speaker 1 (23:28):
Yeah. She also said that she tried to bring the
check ins to him and he refused to do it
because she was afraid that she was going to use
it to manipulate him. Yeah, or argue with him or whatever,
however it was.

Speaker 2 (23:38):
Worded continuing, I find a few things to better myself
and how I approach us, but I don't typically share
them with her, which has caused fights in its own right.
I come from mentality if of if the boat doesn't
rock back and forth, then nothing is wrong history between
her and I as rocky.

Speaker 1 (23:55):
The boats rock back and forth all the time. Uh huh,
even on like like calm waters. Boats still move, especially
if you're moving normal. It's not a very good analogy.
They're both not good with analogies. They should probably not
speak in metaphors.

Speaker 2 (24:13):
I agree. Okay, history between her and I is rocky,
full of twist and turns to be put to put it.

Speaker 1 (24:18):
Plainly, Wait wait wait, he said that he finds videos
that helps with the relationships, but doesn't send them to her.

Speaker 2 (24:25):
That helps him with the relationship, but.

Speaker 1 (24:27):
Doesn't share them. Yeah, why miss that opportunity for connection?

Speaker 2 (24:31):
Right?

Speaker 1 (24:31):
I mean it's two seconds, it's literally maybe three buttons
to set to share a TikTok or you know, you know,
an Instagram reel, and that's something that you guys could
talk about, like that could create conversation. Knowing that he's
afraid to talk to her because it's always him being
the problem and the way things have gone. I guess

(24:52):
I can understand why he doesn't, but that pebbling back
and forth is a love language for people like you
are missing an opportunity for you both to grow.

Speaker 2 (25:00):
We send each other stupid stuff all the time. One
big one is like animal videos, people getting.

Speaker 1 (25:07):
Hurt, old couples doing old couple shit.

Speaker 2 (25:09):
Oh gosh, yes, my favorite one was the hippies.

Speaker 1 (25:12):
The Yeah, yeah, yep, that'll be us.

Speaker 2 (25:18):
Oh my gosh. So today has been a massive down day.
It will be a massive down day. I have been
NonStop for eleven days, that includes the couple's retreat. On
the ride back home, I had an awakened woman's call
and it was just back to back to back after that,
and a lot of purging in the house, so having
to get true down day to day. And I sat
on the front porch for I mean the back porch

(25:39):
for an hour and I replied to Discord messages, I
replied to WhatsApp messages and just got caught up on
life stuff and I made myself cry multiple times. I
don't know why I did it, but it felt good.
And it was all things about like family and motherhood
and children and couples getting old together. I know, it

(26:00):
was just it was happy. Oh it's starting again.

Speaker 1 (26:04):
Yesterday Little miss was in the car with her little
tablet while we were driving back from Fort Myers and
she said, how do you spell family? And I said
l O vee and she goes, it doesn't look right,
and I'm like, you were, like, read it, and then
we had to give us a proper spelling. But yeah,
I thought that was very clever.

Speaker 2 (26:19):
I like that, Yeah, all right, continuing I got to
know her when I moved to this town. I was
forced to drop everyone and everything, and I enjoyed about
my hometown. I had a girlfriend and a large circle
of friends that were basically torn away from me due
to my mother. I was a lonely and angry teen.
So to touch on that a little bit in the

(26:41):
are they husband and wife? I don't remember wife, yes?
And wife's email she touched on he had come to
town to deal with like I believe it was like
funerary arrangements, assets, something along those lines. And he had
the expectation, as a young teenager or that he was
going to be going back home and then surprise, his

(27:04):
mom was like, this is where we live now. So
he had no opportunity to and relationships, close things off,
say final words.

Speaker 1 (27:12):
You have ways to say goodbye. There's telephones that have
existed for one hundred years. Yeah, there's no reason for
their not to have been a goodbye. I have had
to move with no notice. I actually, at one point
one summer, I got sent to my dad's to spend
time with my biological father. And when I came back,
my mom moved to a whole other county, so like
there was nothing like I still stayed in touch with
those friends that I had from where I lived previously. Yeah,

(27:35):
a telephone works, especially cell phones, because you don't get paid,
you don't charge for long distance. Like right, I don't know.
I understand that this affected him. I just don't understand
how it's affected him so greatly that this is a
big part of both of their emails. Very that's a
good reminder that all of us experience life differently.

Speaker 2 (27:54):
Yeah. I think it's a big part of her email
as well, because it clearly affect yep. All right, continuing,
I was a lonely and angry teen. I met her
when she was in an abusive relationship with a thug.
The guy would say one thing, then do another, talked
poorly about her flirt with girls behind her back, and
just overall a loser. We didn't talk too much at first.

(28:17):
She was in the same j R OTC class as I.
We didn't have much interaction until a group project that
spurred us to becoming friends. Eventually, I proved to her
how terrible her current boyfriend was. I did have many
female friends being torn from my Rootsman, I had to
sit down here. I too, I was too trusting and

(28:39):
didn't think they were flirting with me. It didn't help
that I couldn't recognize that they were upsetting my wife.
I was just happy to belong high school drama. Everyone
has a story. Oh that was high school.

Speaker 1 (28:51):
Yeah, all this is when they were teenagers.

Speaker 2 (28:54):
Yeah she did. She didn't make it sound like it
was high school.

Speaker 1 (28:56):
Yeah, this, well, I took it as while they were
in school.

Speaker 2 (29:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (29:00):
I don't understand how this is still a problem in
your relationship now.

Speaker 2 (29:04):
Maybe it's background.

Speaker 1 (29:06):
Yeah, I don't know. Maybe this is something that continues
to get brought up though, Like otherwise, why would it
be getting brought up now? The issues that I saw
in the email had nothing to do with any of
the background shit, right, It was all the things that
she's currently doing. Yeah, and she went to therapy for years,
and the things that she's currently doing is what's causing
problems in their relationship. But this is being rehashed, which

(29:27):
means they are rehashing this in their day to day lives.

Speaker 2 (29:30):
Yeah. A bit of her history is that Jay had
a traumatic event that caused her to suffer from memory loss.
It took a long time to talk things through what
happened and what didn't her mother was horrible, Her siblings
were terrible, friends were manipulative. Her upbringing set her on
a war path that caused a lot of aggression she
talks about in her story. I forgive her for hitting me,

(29:52):
belittling me, and various other harmful things that she did.
I know it came from somewhere else and not the
woman I grew to life. I always had the dream
to save her from the hell hole that she grew
up in. Through school, I worked. As soon as I graduated,
I worked even more. Saving money to get away. To
make her happy was my end goal. This also made

(30:14):
me distant to her. Other people got in the way,
told her lies that she believed. Eventually, my distance caused
her to cheat on me. I was so blinded by
the ambition to create a warm home for us and
worked two jobs. I didn't think to worry about what
was right in front of me. So I lost her.
I didn't forgive her for her choice, but I didn't

(30:35):
let it affect who we are today. But I don't
let it affect who we are today, So she did.

Speaker 1 (30:40):
So he forgave her for hitting him and belittling and mocking,
but not for cheating. So how are they still together?
How did they get back together if he didn't forgive
her for the cheating thing. You can't do that. You
can't live and love somebody if you're holding on to
resentment and like that distrust.

Speaker 2 (30:56):
Right, I'm almost certain she said when we read yesterday,
that she's under the impression that he has forgiven her.
He just can't let it go. And if he hasn't
forgiven her, like, there's a massive mass of miscommunication happening
right now.

Speaker 1 (31:10):
Right. But again, if you can't let it go, you
don't need to be with that person.

Speaker 2 (31:13):
Oh no, she said, which he still doesn't forgive me for.
And I think he subconsciously holds it against me. It's
not subconscious. He just said it out loud. Yep, that
is conscious conscious.

Speaker 1 (31:23):
Okay, before we move any further, bro, you got to
let that go. If you actually love this woman and
you want to spend the rest of your life with her,
that past shit is past shit. Your past childhood where
you had to let your friends go is past shit.
All of the other things that you guys went through
in high school is past shit. You're fucking adults now. Yeah,
let it go. And if you can't let it go,
and you can't forgive her for what she did. And

(31:45):
you guys are not living a better life now, you're
in the wrong relationship. I say that with my full chest.

Speaker 2 (31:50):
I agree, continuing. I try to be better than the
man I was back then. I guess with my story.
I grew up with a resentful mother who hated men,
that we are the root cause of the world's problems.
My father left after attempting suicide in front of me,
also blaming me for the relationship issues. He survived and disappeared.
I grew up basically taking care of my two younger sisters,

(32:13):
did most of the chores in the house, tried to
be the best in school, worked as soon as I
could to make sure we had money. I never really
thought about my emotions, never really had time for them,
only had a few friends.

Speaker 1 (32:25):
What a bullshit statement. I didn't have time to work
on my emotions. You got time doom scroll, You got
time play video games, Got time to just go for
a drive, listen to music, Got time smoke a joint, Yeah,
got time to have a beer. What are you doing
while you're taking a shit? I don't want to hear
that shit. I don't want to hear that at all.
You had plenty of time. You chose not to do it.
It's a choice. Don't be a victim. Own your shit.

(32:48):
You had plenty, you had ample opportunity. You chose not
to do it. Someone in the chat said, all that
work is internal. You think all day long. That's correct.

Speaker 2 (32:56):
That is correct, even through all of the hardh it's
easier to not deal with it, distract and disassociated worst escapisms.

Speaker 1 (33:05):
Yeah, why I put myself in an uncomfortable situation when
I can do this instead? Who needs growth? We just
live in this, this mindset of all the bad shit
that's happened to me my entire life, instead of working
through it becoming a better person on the other side
of it.

Speaker 2 (33:19):
I had one true friend before I moved that I
still talk too weakly. After Jay and I broke up,
I took it hard. So the breakup happened after she cheated.
For context, I lost a scholarship, I couldn't join the military,
and I lost a woman I loved to a liar.

Speaker 1 (33:36):
Okay, you don't break that down, so hang on.

Speaker 2 (33:39):
I want to scroll back up and touch on that
from her, because she had a lot more detail in
her email in regards to the cheating, I cheated on
him and then broke it off. Oh never mind, I
guess there was not more detail. I thought she touched
on why she broke it off with him. Was cheated,
That's why they broke up. What it sounds like on
his side, Well, she cheated and then broke up with them.

(34:00):
She was the one who ended it, right, So I
don't know if she left him to be with somebody
else or what that looked like. But so she he
lost her to a cheater? Is that what he said?

Speaker 1 (34:10):
He lost his scholarship, lost his opportunity to the military,
and his woman, all to all because of a cheater,
all because of a loser, or however he worded that.
What he should have said is I got my heart broken.
I fucked up my scholarship, fucked up my opportunity to
go to the military because I was too heartbroken over
a woman to handle my life like a man is
supposed to handle his life. Bad things happen to people

(34:32):
all the fucking time. Oh yeah, that doesn't mean that
you destroy everything in your existence because you're hurt. So
you don't get to blame the loss of the military
and the loss of the scholarship on the fact that
your woman cheated. That has nothing to do with those.

Speaker 2 (34:44):
Things, right, I concur doctor, this is an.

Speaker 1 (34:48):
Entire lack of accountability so far.

Speaker 2 (34:51):
Oh yeah, I end up in a hospital. Oh, a
little bit more context that I forgot to touch on
from the first email. She does not, So neither of
them feels safe going to each other about anything. Right.
I think it's going to be a fight that is
going to devolve into a misunderstanding. So there's pretty much
zero communication happening, and when it does happen, it's arguments.

Speaker 1 (35:09):
Yep.

Speaker 2 (35:10):
Continuing, I ended up in the hospital after what I did.
I got out on good behavior and reconnected with a
friend in my hometown.

Speaker 1 (35:17):
Well, what did you do?

Speaker 2 (35:19):
He tried to unlive himself.

Speaker 1 (35:21):
Oh you must not have read that or I didn't
hear it.

Speaker 2 (35:23):
Okay, yep, Oh wait, no, that was his father. Never
mind my father left after attempting to unlive himself. Yeah,
I ended up in the hospital after what I did.
I don't know what that is. Okay, Nope, she doesn't
touch on it, not that I see through my scanning.

Speaker 1 (35:38):
Yeah, well, we don't know what he did that ended
up in the hospital. But in the event that, let's
assume that he was heartbroken and did something that could
have potentially killed him. How fucking stupid is that you
were willing to end your existence because somebody else's decisions.
Where's where do you? Where is your self worth?

Speaker 2 (36:00):
Right?

Speaker 1 (36:00):
Where is the love that you should have for your
own existence? This is why we tell people all the
time that if you can't be happy and find joy
in your life on your own, you're not going to
find it in a relationship. Right. You rely on other
people to bring validity to your existence, to somehow bring
you happiness. That's not how life works.

Speaker 2 (36:18):
You know.

Speaker 1 (36:19):
I have tried to eliminate myself. You have tried to
eliminate yourself. Like we have had very dark past, But
my shit was always my shit. It was never because
of someone else. I don't understand that. Like, I love
me too much to allow somebody else's actions affect me
to that degree. It's just crazy to me. I don't

(36:42):
get it.

Speaker 2 (36:43):
When I was partnant with my daughter, I self baker acted.
I was at such a low point in my first marriage.
We had already had one child. I was getting ready
to file for divorce, and then I found out I
was pregnant. It was a whole mess, absolute mess of things.

(37:06):
And that happened from a drunk one night stand. We
had been separated for months and I got pregnant from
a drunk one night stand and I self baker acted
because I was pregnant and I wasn't okay. And while
I was in there, there was a gentleman I can't

(37:27):
remember his name, but he was in like a full
back brace, neck brace. He jumped off one of the
bridges in Venice and he had been there I think
for six or eight months at that point.

Speaker 1 (37:38):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (37:38):
Yeah, he jumped because a woman that he was in
love with didn't want to be with him.

Speaker 1 (37:47):
That's insane to me.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
And he said halfway through the fall, He's like, this
is the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Speaker 1 (37:52):
Right, People do that because I'll show them right Like
it's not they have an idea of the effect that
it's going to have when they're gone. You're gone. At
that point, they're gonna forget about your ass one day.
You're not gonna traumatize them for the rest of your life.
Like they're not gonna be like, damn, I wish I
would have stayed with them, Like that's they're gonna think.

(38:12):
I'm really fucking glad I got out of situation. They
were crazy as a motherfucker. Like, I just don't understand
that process. I do understand being at a low and
thinking that you don't have a way out, and thinking
that there's nothing left in this world for you. Like,
I get all of that, But eliminating yourself because somebody
doesn't want you or love you is fucking insane to me.

Speaker 2 (38:35):
Yep, continuing Yep. I ended up in the hospital after
what I did, got out on good behavior and reconnected
with a friend of my hometown. He was there. When
I was alone, I got a message from Jay about
her having a child and R could potentially be mine.

(38:57):
I dropped everything and moved back. I scared her, honestly,
abruptly disturbing her new life. It took a while before
we even talked regularly. Eventually, it re sparked our relationship.
Jint touch on that at all. Nope, I wonder why.

Speaker 1 (39:15):
I wonder why I don't. I gotta be honest, I
don't think that any of this matters. Yeah, I understand
that it's context, But unless you guys are still fighting
about this. It's irrelevant. Yeah, the the not not giving,
not forgiving for her for her cheating is not irrelevant.
That's very relevant. But the rest of this ship is

(39:36):
just a backstory to somebody's life.

Speaker 2 (39:41):
Continuing.

Speaker 1 (39:42):
Yep.

Speaker 2 (39:43):
With our new budding relationship built on the bones of
our previous relationship, it definitely has its issues. It had
high highs and low lows. It even came close to
ending it early before. Blah golly, it came close to
ending it early before. Where we are now, it wasn't
until the last year or two that we started to

(40:05):
communicate better. She has strong willed and I am stuck
in my ways as I come. But we both agree
it couldn't keep going as it was.

Speaker 1 (40:14):
On my Wait wait, he's stuck in his ways. Yeah,
so he's not willing to change and expecting her to
do it, and she's expecting him to do it.

Speaker 2 (40:21):
Maybe. Okay, My super chapped lips are finally peeling. I'm
so sorry, guys. I can't stand the feeling of it. Almo.
It makes me want to you know how like galloping
was a thing. I want to do that to my lips.

Speaker 1 (40:43):
Get a lipscrub.

Speaker 2 (40:45):
It's a good idea cut that, please don't leave that
in there. Continuing on my end, it was identifying my
emotions and how to properly talk. I only yelled at
her one time, and I still think back on that day.
I still feel horrible for raising my voice to her.

(41:06):
Discovering her having autism was probably the first breakthrough we had,
being able to deconstruct our conversations better at last. I
still struggle with this. It almost feels like learning to
ride a bike for the first time. I'm having to
restructure what I say and it can be very frustrating.

Speaker 1 (41:25):
That's part of the process, Homeminge, part of both of
their process. She needs to learn to understand better as well.
Just because her brain doesn't work like everyone else's. It's
not a free pass for everyone around to cater to her.
You want to function in normal society, you need to
work on your shit. That this is so, But this
is If she was doing that, and she was working

(41:47):
on her shit instead of making him the problem the
way that she did the first email, I wouldn't have
said that. I'd be like, good on both of you,
because you're taking the efforts to learn how to talk
to her, and she's taking the effort to learn how
to understand, and that's not what's happening. Yeah, according to
her email, he will say something, she will get mad
about it, and then he'll have to defend himself, and
then she gets mad because he's defending himself. Yeah, and

(42:07):
he's the problem.

Speaker 2 (42:08):
Right. She did say that he has to like, that's
not what I said, right.

Speaker 1 (42:13):
But every single time he tries to correct his speech,
she views it as defending himself and getting frustrated or whatever,
and it creates problems. And now they're arguing. Yes, so
she's not doing the work on that side, So congratulations
to him if he's actually trying to learn better ways
to communicate. But if she's not doing the same thing,
you guys are fucking operating. You're doing a disservice to

(42:36):
each other. You're doing all the work and she's not.

Speaker 2 (42:43):
Continuing.

Speaker 1 (42:44):
Yep.

Speaker 2 (42:46):
It also discovering that I get defensive with a lot
of our arguments. I feel personally attacked when she gets
loud or I think her words are too sharp. I'm
sensitive these kinds of things, which could pull from any
trauma or whatever else is messed up with me.

Speaker 1 (43:00):
I just don't like being talked to that way. Yeah,
why has it gotta be a trauma thing? Why can't
it just be I view that as disrespectful, and I
don't talk to you that way. I don't deserve that behavior.
Not everything is a trauma, right, Not everything is a trigger.

Speaker 2 (43:15):
I everyone has their reasons for not liking something. Right,
for some reason, Zach thinks that tomatoes are sin. Depends
on how they're cooked, whatever the reasons are. But everyone
has their reasons for not liking something. That's cool. Oh
he left the chat. He didn't see that.

Speaker 1 (43:37):
Yeah, not everything is a trauma or a trigger. Guys,
it's an excuse, it's a crutch. How about you're raising
your voice, Well, I'm angry. That doesn't give you the
right to talk to me that way.

Speaker 2 (43:48):
Yeah, we don't talk to each other like this, right.

Speaker 1 (43:50):
What you're doing right now is very disrespectful and I
appreciate it. And if you're gonna continue to talk to
me like that, I'm gonna leave until you calm down.
Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Is
the other way to word that.

Speaker 2 (44:01):
Yeah, if that first part doesn't work, first.

Speaker 1 (44:05):
Part is the only way to do it. That's the
difference between healed and unhealed. Yeah, because who the fuck
do you think you're talking to? Is my go to
response when somebody gets mouthy. Yeah, the first version of that.
I don't appreciate the way that you're talking to me
and I don't deserve that, And if you don't lower
your tone, I'm going to leave. That's my healed version.
There are two very different it's the same thing, has
the same meaning. This is the professional email versus the

(44:27):
street kid. Oh yeah, right, I will send that professional
email because I want to have a calm conversation and
I don't want to add to the conflict that we're
currently having. But in my head, that's what I'm saying
to you, right, Yes.

Speaker 2 (44:39):
So all right, continuing. Yes, Accountability is another thing that
I struggle with. I always go based on another person's
intention before reacting appropriately. Should be responding, my guy, reactions
are for chemicals.

Speaker 1 (44:57):
Yep, we are.

Speaker 2 (45:00):
We are going to respond. We are going to receive
data and information. We're going to run it through the
processor that's our brain, and we're going to respond. That's
the move. Also, why why always go on another person's intention?

Speaker 1 (45:24):
I must have missed something. What do you mean by that?

Speaker 2 (45:26):
I always go based on another person's intention before reacting appropriately.

Speaker 1 (45:32):
Okay, well, I mean that would be malicious intent.

Speaker 2 (45:35):
Right.

Speaker 1 (45:35):
If somebody is trying to be like really shitty to you,
that's a different conversation. But even even still, he said
that she doesn't. She said that she doesn't understand voice
regulation when talking. That's an easy correction if they can communicate,
or if she realizes she's doing it, or if he's like,

(45:55):
why are you raising your voice? Like right, somebody in
the chat said, I'm the only neuro spicy person in
my office. The only work other the only work others
have to do to accommodate me, is to communicate in
a way I understand. But I am the one who
has to teach them what that looks like. I am
the one who continues to make the effort to understand
what others mean. This is a two way street. Is

(46:18):
this speaks to the phrasing conversation that we had earlier.
You shouldn't have to see someone how to love you.
People don't fucking know you, right, Like.

Speaker 2 (46:27):
Okay, get off your high horse, okay, King Henry the Eighth.

Speaker 1 (46:34):
Yeah, oh gosh.

Speaker 2 (46:40):
Not this stress is hard to move in. Help I
am really going to ask you. This is making me panic. Yeah,
I can't thank you so much. Down to the right

(47:00):
wait of total arm it. Yeah, oh my goodness, thank you.
That was fantastical.

Speaker 1 (47:12):
Go ahead scratch my back, babe. Well it's against the
chair right now.

Speaker 2 (47:15):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (47:16):
I don't understand how you.

Speaker 2 (47:17):
Expect me that I was leaning into it. I was
so desperate, okay, continuing always gone on another person's intention
before reacting appropriately hold on.

Speaker 1 (47:34):
Someone in the chat said, but sometimes we misinterpret someone's
intentions based off of other verbal, verbal and nonverbal cues.
You have to clarify what they said and how they
meant it. You have to probe you are absolutely correct,
and that you have to probe this is what you said,
this is what I heard, and this is how I'm
taking it. Is that correct? Because you don't have to

(47:55):
get shitty, you don't have to react and fly off
the handling get nasty about it. You can take something
really fucking personal and be like, hey, you just said
da da, and I need to make sure that I
understood you properly before I respond to your situation, because
if that is how you meant it, we are at
odds yes, if that's not how you meant it, I'm
giving you the opportunity to rephrase yourself so that we

(48:16):
can continue this conversation and they be on the same
productive manner.

Speaker 2 (48:19):
Right, yeah, h yeah, don't throw phones at people's faces.

Speaker 1 (48:28):
Violence is not always the answer, but it is an answer.

Speaker 2 (48:33):
I'm just saying it is certainly, certainly is depending on
the context.

Speaker 1 (48:36):
And that situation. I would have preferred you throw a brick.

Speaker 2 (48:38):
But you know, speaking of bricks, you want to know
something that I will probably never do this. I may
do one of them. It may be like a seasonal thing.
I kind of want to pant.

Speaker 1 (48:53):
I want to prant it.

Speaker 2 (48:58):
Paint bricks to look like books, so in our garden
we can have like little books of things that we've enjoyed,
or books that we have really accredited to changing our lives.
Like the courage would be disliked, I'll painted on a brick. Okay, continuing, Yep.

(49:24):
The example we use is accidentally tripping and stabbing someone.
Doesn't matter your intention, you still harm someone. You need
to hold you need to be held accountable for it,
and not just profusely apologizing for it. Okay, wait, no,
not okay, if I wasn't processing Okay.

Speaker 1 (49:46):
If you accidentally fell and stabbed somebody, how are you
held accountable for that?

Speaker 2 (49:50):
Are we I don't know, like a negligence or something.

Speaker 1 (49:53):
Well that I can understand that. But like if you
were walking through the house carrying a fork and you
tripped and stabbed me with a fork and it was
stuck in my leg and I could simply just pull
the fork out and stick a bandit over it, put
some fucking iodine on there, and call it a day.
What I mean, you have to stand in the corner.

(50:13):
I'm gonna put you on the bench, like, what's happening?
Why do you need to be What are we gonna
do for that?

Speaker 2 (50:18):
Like?

Speaker 1 (50:19):
This is eye for an eye, behavior about understanding that
people make mistakes. I don't like that analogy either. I
really hope that you guys don't talk to each other
in analogies.

Speaker 2 (50:32):
I think they do in the whole email.

Speaker 1 (50:36):
Metaphor, I don't know the difference. I think those are metaphors.
I don't know. Stop it.

Speaker 2 (50:51):
You can't mute US easily, can No?

Speaker 1 (50:53):
I can't. It's way over there. That's why I needed
that USBC cord just put it away. I can't you
feed your fucking pets. Women.

Speaker 2 (51:05):
Oh my god, I gotta text it to you. I
have to get out of my system where I'm going
to explode.

Speaker 1 (51:29):
I feel like we're kids in school seeing each other
dirty text messages. It's funny, you could have just said that, Yeah,
we hear something dumb, completely off topic of everything. I
don't review airbnbs until after they review us.

Speaker 2 (51:49):
Oh okay. Why is that?

Speaker 1 (51:51):
Because if they say something shitty, I can unload word.
Because that house had a hole in the wall, the
pool thing was lost, bugs, bugs, no cleaning, lot of
things that I could unload on. So if they don't
give me five stars, I'm not giving them five stars.
But you know it's a pettiness thing, right.

Speaker 2 (52:06):
No, I think it's equivalent exchange alchemy. Right alchemy, Yeah,
like transforming one thing into an but it can only.

Speaker 1 (52:15):
Be more tit for tat alchemy will be trying to
change coal into gold.

Speaker 2 (52:21):
Or right, but you can only receive the quantity of
what you put in.

Speaker 1 (52:25):
You can't actually do that.

Speaker 2 (52:28):
Somebody is getting what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 1 (52:30):
The analogies not working.

Speaker 2 (52:35):
I think you're just shutting it down. Maybe continuing yep.
When it comes to home life, we have a decent balance.
Tuesday through Saturday, she primarily does the house chores except
for the cat litter and trash. Tuesday through Saturday, I
usually work from five am to three pm. After work,
I relax for a bit and then start cooking dinner.

(52:57):
Then at three we sit together and watch the show.
During day her Sunday and Monday are my days off
and I do all the house tours so she can relax.
She does have two part time jobs, one at a
bar that she keeps clean throughout the week and the
other and at that one night at a bar that
she keeps clean throughout the week and works nights every

(53:18):
other Sunday. The second job is a bit spotty. During
the slow seasons, it's maybe two or three shifts every month.
Then during holiday time it picks up. I help out
a lot more around the house during those times because
I know both of her jobs can cause her to
stress out, even though she enjoys them for the most part.
At first it wasn't so balanced out, But I like

(53:39):
to think there. I like to think where we are
now is a lot better. Does that feel like it
coincides with what she said.

Speaker 1 (53:49):
Well, she said that she thinks that they should be
cooking dinner together because that was something that they used
to do in the beginning, and now he doesn't want
her around in the kitchen.

Speaker 2 (53:56):
And he says he does it to alleviate stress, right, Okay, So.

Speaker 1 (54:00):
A big mis understanding there. If she wants to be
in there to help cook because that's something that she
finds intimacy in and it's something that the two of
them can do together, and he's shewing her a way.
Of course, she's gonna feel disconnected in that. Mm hmm.

Speaker 2 (54:30):
Okay. I was trying to see if she touched on
anything else. Continuing, so he thinks they have a pretty
decent balance of home life and she does not because
there's that lack of intimacy going on in the home life.
Would you put that in home life, like intimacy and

(54:52):
doing things together or would you just put that down
to chores and things that need to get done. Intimacy
is not a chore, right, But so when I say
home life, do you think of chores I need to
get done or do you think of our life together
at home?

Speaker 1 (55:05):
I think of our life together. Okay, Chores is just
work right, that shit that's going to have to get
done eventually no matter what. So like, I actually have
a hard time, honestly have a hard time when people
get caught up in the workload thing, because if I
had to do all of this, I would just do
all of this right right, Like I know that I
can tie manage and still make the house work the

(55:26):
way that I want it to work. So like when
people start bitching and complaining about one person not doing
enough or not picking up their socks or not doing
the dishes, like I view that as very petty behavior.
I Am not going to disrupt our existence because I
had to do the dishes, Like I'm just not It's
I'm not going to end up losing one of us

(55:47):
one day and regret the years of arguing, in weeks
of silent treatments and all of that bullshit because one
person felt like they were doing more work than the
other one. Right now, I understand not feeling appreciated or
being taken advantage of. And that's a very different conversation
because it's never the conversation that's being had when people

(56:08):
are having the argument over the dishes. What they're saying
is I feel like, I'm handling all the workload and
you're just not president in the house, and I'm doing
this by myself. I feel like you don't see all
the work I put in. I see I feel like
I'm taking care of a man child or whatever the
case may be. But they're arguing over the cup because
they don't want to have the real conversation. Because having
the real conversation of you're so disconnected from our household

(56:32):
and you're never here is a lot harder of a
conversation and it's going to hurt feelings. It's easier to
argue over the cup than have the real conversation. And
this is a communication problem that people have. That shit
drives me nuts. Yeah, it's really hard for.

Speaker 2 (56:44):
Me, Like I.

Speaker 1 (56:47):
Want to be mean to people sometimes.

Speaker 2 (56:49):
I know, why did you look at me all of that?

Speaker 1 (56:56):
Because I'm stopping that phrasing. I'm just gonna stop right there. Oh,
it would be very easy for me to be a
massive fuck face to people. Oh yeah, and it's because
they're doing this to themselves, and I don't I don't

(57:18):
have compassion for that. If you know that sticking a
fork in the light sock is going to shock you,
and you do it, I'm gonna call you a dumb ass.
Oh yeah, I'm not gonna be like, oh my god,
are you okay. I don't give a shit if you're okay,
you did that to yourself. Yeah, and that that's a
very hard thing for me. And that's one of the
things that actually I would probably laugh. I would laugh

(57:39):
over that. That would make that would be funny to me.
Somebody doing some dumb shit like that would make me laugh.
And that's kind of fucked up when you think about it.
But I laugh at people getting hurt all the time.
That's my favorite thing to watch on the internet.

Speaker 2 (57:49):
Yeah, because what did you expect to happen?

Speaker 1 (57:51):
Right from her letter, he doesn't show her he said
I got it. He thinks he's leaving in her stress
and she just needs to say I like cooking with you.
If he's saying I got it and is not allowing
her to help, that is a version of shoeing her
out of the kitchen. Yeah, he may not say shoe

(58:16):
but the behavior is still the same. If she's trying
to partake and he prevents that from happening, she's not
going to stay in the kitchen anymore. Like there's going
to be an offense to that. If he's like, I
got this, I want you to relax, it's a very
different conversation than I got this. This is the communication issue.
They both have things that they want, they just don't
know how to talk to each other to make it

(58:37):
a thing because they're arguing over the wrong shit. I
miss the intimacy of us cooking together, not let me
help you cook. Let's have the honest conversation about what's
really going on instead of the surface level shit, because
surface level shit never solves anything.

Speaker 2 (58:55):
Continuing yep. For our romantic life, it has been dwindling.
I see it, and so does she when it comes
to calling her attractive or beautiful. I do admit I
haven't spoken it out loud to her. I don't actually
say a lot of things out loud and fear of
what could happen, which causes more bad than good. I'm
stressed with how the world is raising our daughter to

(59:16):
be a good girl. I'm always worried about money, how
much I dislike my job. The complaints could be endless.
It has put me in a state where I just
want the world to not move anymore.

Speaker 1 (59:25):
We covered that really hard yesterday.

Speaker 2 (59:29):
My head has become so loud again that I can't
focus on the important things. I want to be romantically
more connected with her, but it feels like if I'm
not worried about everything else going on, the little happiness
we have will be crushed.

Speaker 1 (59:41):
Okay, let me ask you this, real shit, what is
that worry in doing for you? Is it paying the bills?

Speaker 2 (59:48):
Is it making you more connected with your woman? Right?

Speaker 1 (59:50):
Is the worry that you're putting into your daughter being
a good woman when she grows up, making her a
good woman? Or is it making you worried? Because worriyan
doesn't do anything, No.

Speaker 2 (01:00:00):
It just makes you feel a certain way inside of you.

Speaker 1 (01:00:02):
Right, You're allowing the potential of the future to destroy
your present. I understand being overwhelmed. I totally fucking get that,
especially with like the spicy brain overwhelmed, Like that's a
whole different level of fuck this. Yeah, I get it.
But worrying about things that you have no control over
and like having that kind of you are allowing yourself

(01:00:26):
to be stressed out, like you were creating your own
stress by feeling that worry. There's a difference between trying
to figure out how to pay the bills with the
money that's in the bank account, versus worrying about the
fact that there is no money in the bank account
and doing nothing other than worrying about the fact that
there's no money in the bank account.

Speaker 2 (01:00:41):
Right, there's no active problem solving, it's just right passive thinking.

Speaker 1 (01:00:47):
Right, it's worry that I made a TikTok when we
first started all of this, and it was the thing
where it was. It might have actually been a thing
where a lot of people were making the videos. I
don't remember. I know i've seen it since then, but
it was a really noisy thing. A woman hugs the
guy and it goes silent. You remember that vaguely? Yeah,
oh yeah, that's my world. When you're on the couch
and I come over and I go like this, and

(01:01:08):
you assume the position and I lay on you, it
goes silent. That ten to fifteen seconds of nothingness is
what I need to, like take a breath. But I
also don't allow myself to worry about things that I
can't control right now, This is the rule of fives.
You being stressed out about all of that is destroying
your relationship.

Speaker 2 (01:01:25):
Like the state of the world. There's nothing you can do.

Speaker 1 (01:01:27):
Right all of it. Just like her with the RFK
Junior Autism List, You guys are creating made up situations
in your head that has nothing to do with your life,
and you're allowing it to destroy your relationship. It sounds
to me that they are very mentally stunted.

Speaker 2 (01:01:43):
I agree. I was just thinking that, Yeah, like there's
still high school sweethearts and not adults with a family, right, Yeah, continuing,
I would rather work myself to death just to make
sure both of my girls can have a better life.
Is making Mondays or date nights just something to cut
out time for each other?

Speaker 1 (01:02:04):
That's not what she wants, right, Working yourself to death
is not what your woman is looking for. She doesn't
want you to work yourself to death. She wants intimacy. Yeah,
And if she was able to just say that, and
like you guys were able to have an honest communication
conversation about what it looks like for her to have
her cup filled and the way that you love her,

(01:02:26):
maybe you would have a better understanding of what each
other needs and she can understand that you're working yourself
to death to try to provide the life that you
feel she deserves and that's your you know, a way
of loving her. But you guys are disconnected, working that
you know, crazy, killing yourself at the job thing isn't
fixing your relationship. And if you are, Yeah, and if
you don't have that conversation, how is she supposed to

(01:02:47):
understand that?

Speaker 2 (01:02:48):
If I were in her position, I would feel like
you're picking up hours to avoid me.

Speaker 1 (01:02:52):
Yeah. Absolutely, Yeah, it doesn't tell me I'm beautiful. We
all we do is argue when we try to have
real conversations. Date nights are not distance. There's zero intimacy
in the relationship at all. And now he's not coming home. Yeah,
Anna said, hello, check ins. She presented the check ins
to him, and he refused to do it because he

(01:03:14):
was afraid that it was going to cause conflict or manipulation.

Speaker 2 (01:03:17):
Yeah, be thrown back in his face or something. Yep, continuing, Yep.
It could be just us going out to eat or
just staying home playing games together, which at first I
didn't think we needed. Now I understand that mondays are
important to me as well. I guess I always ignore
our problems and just hope they magically get fixed, which

(01:03:39):
I know it's stupid. I look forward to our mondays together. Now,
I guess I just always ignore our problems, just hope
they magically get fixed. What magic. You're not Cinderella. You
don't have a fairy godmother. There is no Genie here.

Speaker 1 (01:03:58):
The Ostrich theory. You stick your head in the sand.
I wait until everything goes away. Yeah, doesn't work.

Speaker 2 (01:04:14):
Continuing when it comes to seeking out help with our relationship,
I was stubborn to find any I didn't want to
admit that we needed help. I was slash and worried
that someone influencing either of us and finding a way
to hurt us. I've become more open to help. I
need to recognize that I have problems that are beyond
my understanding. But a little amount of pride of having
left cut that putting, the little amount of pride of

(01:04:39):
having left and asked for help before I lose her.
So I'm hoping any advice you give us will help
support our relationship in the long term. I think you
guys need to do check ins, absolutely one hundred and
I think you guys need a safe word, and that
safe word can be anything that's not part of your
daily conversations. So I don't know.

Speaker 1 (01:05:04):
Scurvy sor are you scarvy dog?

Speaker 2 (01:05:09):
And that needs to be a basic understanding between the
two of you that when that word is said, something
was just said, there was a tone of voice, whatever
the case may be, in all conversation needs to stop.
There needs to be a moment of I didn't like
what just happened. We need forty five minutes to recuperate,

(01:05:30):
which is how long it takes for the nervous system
to calm itself back down and then come back. And
before taking that forty five minute break, I love you.
I'm not leaving you. I want to come back and
work through this when we're calmer. That needs to be
a thing for you, guys. And if you feel yourself
shutting down, that needs to be worked on. There can't

(01:05:54):
be communication if you're not communicating. I agree, my husband
and I would not have the relationship that we have
if he shut down. If you just refuse to tell
me things, how do I know what you need from
me as your wife?

Speaker 1 (01:06:09):
Right? I think they should take both of them should
take a minute to write down all the things that
frustrates them in conversation that makes them get elevated, and
then create a phrase or a statement to allow the
other person to know that that's currently happening, so they
can and it's clear when they're not in conflict. And

(01:06:31):
this is not a like you always do these things right.
These are things that happen in conversation that makes me
get defensive. It makes me feel like I need to
defend myself, you know, make it about you. These are
the things that trigger me or trauma response, however you
want to word it, be the victim if.

Speaker 2 (01:06:45):
You have to. When I hear this, when this is
said right, when tone of voice changes.

Speaker 1 (01:06:50):
So when when like in for example, she gets elevated,
So in the event that she starts raising her voice,
he can say, you went from a six to an eight.
You went from a six to a twelve. That way,
she knows in a non attacking way that she her
volume just got turned up. Maybe that's that's maybe that's
an answer. Maybe not. When he starts getting defensive, she
could say, you don't have to wear the boxing gloves,

(01:07:13):
like this isn't I'm not I'm not attacking you right
like I love you. Maybe that could be a thing.
You need to find ways that you were able to
take those barriers down before they get like completely constructed
in an argument. They both need self care. If he's
working all the time and trying to do the house
house thing and she's working two part time jobs that

(01:07:36):
doesn't equal a full time job and still doesn't have
self care time somehow, Like, I don't understand how that's
a thing. But they need to be dating, they need
to be talking, they need to be establishing intimacy. Again,
there's a whole lot of things that need to happen,
and all of it's going to stem from them being
able to talk to each other. He said in that
email that he doesn't want to take outside influence from
other people because he doesn't want it tog negatively impact

(01:07:57):
the relationship. Your negative Your relationship is already negatively affected severely.
If your house was on fire, would you not ask
for help because you're afraid that the fire might spread?

Speaker 2 (01:08:08):
Right?

Speaker 1 (01:08:09):
Like, That's that's the mindset that you have in this.
If you don't have the tools to fix something, you
need to find somebody that has the fucking tools and
then show you how to use those tools to fix
your shit. Asking for help isn't a pride thing, it's
an ego thing.

Speaker 2 (01:08:28):
I think that the wife needs to work on not
taking things personally in conversation, like with the RFK situation,
if if you hear something that makes you feel a
certain way, you need to ask a clarification question. Absolutely,
don't don't think. Don't take things personally. And I also
believe that you need to be your own keeper. There's

(01:08:48):
so much power in being able to control yourself. I
think that majority of the time you need to work
on catching yourself in moments and not expect him to
be able to reel you back in. There will be
moments where he needs to step up and be the
husband and say, Babe, that's not what's going on here.
You need to take a deep breath. You're safe. I'm
not against you right now. That can't be every conversation, though.

Speaker 1 (01:09:15):
Self regulation is like reaching level nine thousand in Dragon
Ball z M, like you are on the next level
of existence. When you were able to really reel yourself
back in and like breathe through the moment and not
allow yourself to be reactive, it is a very different life. Yeah,
and then being able to choose what you want to

(01:09:36):
be frustrated about MH. The worrying aspect from him. We
touched a lot on that on the last episode that
we did were in her email because we related a
lot of that is into things. That's what's going on
in our lives, And like, my worry is not worry.
My stress is stress. It's trying to figure out the

(01:09:56):
best way to do the things that I can do
with the resources that we have to get where we're
trying to go. Sometimes it's stressful, sometimes it's not. Sometimes
I put all that shit on the back burner and
be like, you know what, today, we're gonna go spend money.
They were gonna do something fun today. We're not gonna
worry about all that shit because I have till twenty thirty.
I have a five year plan to get us where
we're going. And if I don't enjoy our life while

(01:10:17):
trying to get us where we're going, I'd be a
miserable motherfucker for the next five years. Yeah, And if
I don't hit it by twenty thirty and I hit
it by twenty thirty one, who gives a fuck That
one extra year is not going to be the end
of the world to me. And if I spend the
next five years trying to get to that point and
we miss it. And I've been miserably the entire time,
and I fucking stroke out last five years sucked ask

(01:10:38):
for no reason. Yeah right, So like there needs to
be a balance there. You guys need to to pick
and choose the things that you get stressed out and
worried over.

Speaker 2 (01:10:48):
Yeah, how long we've been recording for We're long enough
that we can wrap up after use rush wrap up,
all right, guys.

Speaker 1 (01:10:57):
With that being said, remember that you are the author
of your own life. So grab a pen and we
will see you on the next one. Bye, guys, Wrap
this up, close this out, see you guys later. Discord,
stop recording that email. Annoyed hm, hm,