No one is coming to save you pt2

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Grand Rising Family, Grand Rising. Today is Friday. I hope
you guys are having a good day. To everybody that's
in here hanging out from Discord, I know that we
have a premiere popping off in the next fifty minutes.
I'm going to go until I don't feel like going anymore,
so you guys feel free to stay go to the premiere.
I don't really you know, whatever you guys want to do.
Today we are reading starting at chapter four of my book,

(00:22):
No One's Coming to Save You. For those of you
who didn't know, that's me on the cover. That was
when I was in shape. And if you open the
book completely flat like this, that's also me on the
back with a razor to my wrist. There is a
whole story being told in this photo. If you look
at the counter, there's pills on there. This is a

(00:42):
low point and that you know, good versus evil going on? Duality?
All right, Chapter four the title of Father. Before diving
into the core of this chapter, I need to address
something fundamental. We as men are failing in one of
the most critical roles we hold, being present, engaged and
effective fathers. The statistics I'm about to share are stark

(01:06):
and sobering, but they drive home an undeniable truth. Fathers,
or the lack of them, profoundly impact the lives of children.
I read this in the other book, You are not Broken.
I'm going to read it anyways, just so that it's
here for those of you who didn't listen to the
other book. Also forgot to mention that there will be

(01:27):
no edits, So all of my blunders and stutters are
going to be here. I apologize for them in advance.
This failure isn't entirely on us, but we must take
ownership of it. Yes, the core system often feels stacked
against us. Many of us face financial burdens that we
can't shoulder, or we lack the emotional tools to fire
for what's right. Some of us give up, defeated by
the self doubt or a belief that we don't matter

(01:49):
as much as we do. We tell ourselves these justifications,
wrapping them in logic that feels true in the moment.
But the ones paying the highest price for our absence
or passivity are our art, our children. The numbers don't lie.
They show us the consequences of stepping away or being
forced out of this critical role. They highlight how essential
fathers are, or at the very least positive male role

(02:11):
models they are to the development of safety, to safety
and the future of our children. This isn't about assigning
blame or pointing fingers. It's about understanding the weight of
our responsibility and the difference we can make when we
show up, fight, and refuse to give up. Fathers playing
an irreplaceable role in the structure of families and the
well being of children. Yet in today's society, the conversation

(02:33):
around their importance is often overshadowed by the statistics surrounding
fatherlessness in America are sorry. The statistics surrounding fatherless in
America are stark and sobering, revealing that the critical revealing
the critical impact a father has on shaping the future
of children, families, and communities. The rise of single fatherhood.

(02:54):
The number of single fathers in the United States has
nearly doubled over the past few decades, growing from one
point seven million in nineteen nine ninety to three point
three million and twenty twenty according to the NIH. Despite
this growth, single father household still represent a small fraction
compared to the approximately fifteen point zero nine million children
living with single mothers. This discrepancy is significant, as the

(03:16):
presence or absence the father has of a father has
far reaching implications for children. Research research shows that fatherless
homes disproportionately contribute to some of society's most pressing challenges.
Understanding these dynamics is key to addressing a broader issue,
the broader issues of poverty, crime, education, and mental health.

(03:37):
The impact of fatherlessness the consequences of growing up without
sorry growing up any fatherless home extend across multiple aspects
of a child's life. Data compiled from fixed family courts
dot com reveal sixty three percent of youse suicides, ninety
percent of homeless and runaway children, eighty five percent of
children with behavioral disorders, seventy one percent of high school dropout,

(03:58):
seventy five percent of battlests in substance abuse centers, seventy
percent of juveniles and state operated institutions, and eighty five
percent of youth in prison grow up without a father.
These numbers demonstrate the direct connection between fatherlessness and adverse outcomes,
underscoring the vital role of fathers play and providing stability, discipline,

(04:19):
and emotional support. Comparing single father and single mother households.
When comparing single father households to single mother households, the
disparities are equally revealing. Children raised by single fathers are
statistically less likely to experience severe negative outcomes often associated
with households. For example, children in single mother households are

(04:41):
nine times more likely to drop out of high school
and ten times more likely to abuse drugs. Compared to
those raised by single fathers, they are five times more
likely to commit suicide and twenty times more likely to
end up in prison. While both single parent scenarios come
with its challenges, single fathers tend to fare better in
certain key areas, including financial stability. According to gingerbread dot org,

(05:01):
twenty five percent of single father's support not being concerned
about their ability to pay for home necessities in the
coming year, a significantly higher percentage than single mothers. Moreover,
single fathers are more likely to have been married before
becoming single parents and are less likely to experience mental
health challenges compared to single mothers. The Mayo Clinic reports
that women are twice as likely to suffer from depression

(05:22):
and anxiety, conditions that can lead further to further challenges
and managing household and parental responsibilities. I can't. I was
going to just quickly read by this and keep going.
I feel like you would be doing a disservice as
we are reading about depression and anxiety. The studies that
have been released over the last year on plant medicine

(05:42):
and what it does to both of those things is
fucking astonishing, and we are still prescribing assris drives me nuts,
all right. Why fathers matter? The role of a father
is is multifaceted, extending far beyond providing financial support. Fathers
are critical for structure and discipline. I can't. I can't

(06:04):
go back. I have to. I have touched on something
else soon dropping nuts. It's set in here that women
are more likely to have financial issues, and yeah, you know,
at one point in time there was a a you know,
pay gap. That's not a thing anymore. If you factor
in the time worked, women tend to make more on

(06:26):
average than men do in terms of starting pay and
most major organizations. Now, I wonder how much of that
financial burden comes down to vindictive behavior. And I'll let
you guys just think on that. Number one. Structure and discipline.
Fathers often play a key role in establishing boundaries and
instilling discipline, creating an environment where children feel secure and

(06:48):
understand consequences to emotional stability. Fathers provide emotional support that
helps children develop self esteem and resilience. Children and father
present homes are less likely to exhibit behavioral problems or
engage in risky activities. Positive role models, fathers set examples
for their children, shaping how boys perceive manhood and how
girls form expectations of male behavior. This modeling significantly impacts

(07:11):
future relationships and life choices. Fatherlessness doesn't just affect individual families.
That has profound implications for society as a whole. Single
mother households are responsible for seventy percent of teen pregnancies,
and the bulk of phil side and child killing cases
occur in these homes. Moreover, children from single mother and
households are fourteen times more likely to commit rape thirty

(07:33):
two times more likely to be a runaway. These outcomes
highlight the social consequences of father absence, which often lead
to cycles of poverty, crime, and mental health struggles that
can span generations. The data pains the clear picture of
the presence of a father significantly reduces the likelihood of
adverse outcomes in a child's life, yet systemic and cultural
factors often undermine the role of fathers. The growing population

(07:56):
of single fathers often offers a potential solution, but these
men face unique challenges. They are more likely to be younger.
Eighteen percent of single fathers are under thirty compared to
eight percent of married fathers unless educated, with twenty four
percent living at or below the poverty line. These challenges
demand targeted support systems for single fathers, including parenting resources,

(08:16):
community programs, and legal reforms. Recognizing the importance of fathers
is not about diminishing the role of mothers, but rather
about addressing the critical gap and family dynamics that is
far reaching consequences. There's something that I saw, I was

(08:37):
going to go back to it, and I can't remember
where it was at. Oh, well, fathers are essential. We
are not optional, nor can we be replaced. No matter
how hard a woman tries, and many do try valiantly,
the father's role is unique and irreplaceable. That's not to
dimian diminish the efforts of single mothers, who often shoulder

(08:58):
immense burdens, but rather highlight that fathers bring something distinct
and vital to a child's development. It's also worth noting
that studies show that men are more likely to bring
another cohabitant into the home, meaning we're often not doing
this alone. There's frequently another woman stepping in to help
support the family. This isn't about pride or proving we
can do it all ourselves. It's about recognizing that it

(09:20):
takes a village. We must use every resource at our
disposal to start breaking cycles of generational trauma, lean on
the support available, build stronger communities, and commit to doing
better not just for ourselves but for our children in
the future. Now, now that we got that out of
the way, let's get into this. Those were the stats
that were in the other book. Just so you guys
are aware, and I skimmed over a little bit. I

(09:40):
didn't read everything out exactly because I'm trying to get
through this. I've been sitting on this chapter for a
few days now, unsure of where to start. I wanted
to dive into the importance of being present in the home,
not just physically there, but truly present. Yet that didn't
feel quite right. So instead, let's begin with what it
means to be a father who is cape of emotional regulation,

(10:01):
setting boundaries, and showing compassion and empathy to his children.
I grew up as the kid who was told to
suck it up, rub some dirt on it, or you
want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about.
Those words just weren't threats. They were promises, and they
were always followed through. I was taught that men don't cry,
that we're supposed to be tough, that life is hard,
so we just have to accept it. That mindset is

(10:22):
absolute bullshit. Short did its job. It made me callous,
prepared me for a world where people didn't care about
your struggles. It taught me not to complain or open up,
because at the end of the day, no one would listen.
It made me numb to compliments, disconnected from attempts at connection,
and feed a disdain for small talk. It hardened me.
It made me cold to a degree. I learned how
to shut down everything emotional and my world emotions were

(10:43):
a liability, something to be discarded. This assotion became disassociation
became second nature. I could sit through conversations appearing engaged
while my mind wandered off, only to tune in enough
to pair it back. What was said if pressed, it
was a survival, but it wasn't healthy. It's no that
I faced suicidal thoughts alone. I believed wholeheartedly that my
emotions were my problem and mine alone. When I thought

(11:05):
about ending it, I didn't even consider leaving a note
or trying to make things easier for others. I didn't
want to be a burden, even in death. As I
write this book about what it means to be a man, husband,
and father, I can tell you this, it's been a long,
painful road to get here. Undoing negativity and false lessons
I was taught about manhood. Undoing the negativity and false

(11:26):
lessons I was taught about manhood took years. This chapter
is particularly hard for me to write because I have
to confront my failures, especially as a father. I look
back on my relationship with my biological daughter, and I
see all the ways that I fell short despite every effort,
we never truly connected. We don't know each other, and
it's one of the only regret Psycharaan life. But I
believe in redemption. My bonus kids are my second chance.

(11:47):
With them, I can strive to get it right. I
won't be the kind of father. Sorry, I want to
be the kind of father that they can look up to,
the kind who feels like a superhero to his kids.
The lessons I've learned weren't easy, but they're worth sharing.
My hope is that by putting these words out there,
I can save you from some of my mistakes. Being
a father is hard, but it's worth every ounce of
effort to do it with love, empathy, and presence. Where

(12:09):
does this start? It starts with listening. Do you remember
the first time your heart was broken, or the first
time someone took something from you, Maybe when you were bullied,
or when you felt isolated, defenseless and helpless. Do you
remember going to your parents in the middle of those feelings,
hoping for comfort or guidance. How did that play out?
Did they fight your battles for you, yell at you,
tell you to stop crying. Maybe they said suck it up,

(12:30):
or don't start a fight, but you better end it.
Or maybe even if or maybe even if you don't
fight them, you'll have to fight me. That last one
might sound extreme, but some parents really say things like that.
Sometimes people we go to for safety end up being
more harm or doing more harm than the original situation
ever could I have a handful of vivid memories as

(12:51):
a kid when I needed to hear that everything was
going to be okay. Instead, I got the opposite. Whether
I was dismissed, punished, the outcome was always the same.
I felt no one cared, no one listened, and no
one was coming to save me. Now, as a parent,
I see things differently. I realize that my kids have
no idea how to navigate life. Yet if they're coming
to me, it's because they need me. Beneath whatever situation

(13:12):
they're dealing with, It's always an emotion. Feeling safe, for example,
isn't just circumstance. It's an emotional state of mind. And
the last thing my kids need is for me to
shut down, shut them out, or ignore what they're trying
to tell me. Picture this. Your child is being bullied
and comes to you crying. What do they want? Do
they want you to go beat up their bully? Maybe,
but most likely they just want the bullying to stop

(13:33):
so that they can feel safe again. Now imagine you
respond with anger at them. You get mad because they're crying,
because they're coming to you because they haven't toughened up.
What do you think that does to your relationship. How
do you think that affects their ability to come to
you later in life when the stakes are even higher.
I get it. As parents, we want our kids to
be tough. We don't want them to go through life
getting hurt, bullied, or taken advantage of. And yes, sometimes

(13:54):
tough love is necessary, but it can't be the only approach.
Let's talk about something else that complicates things. Emotional manipulation.
Kids will try it, they'll cry, lie and pull whatever
strings they can to get their way because they're a
bad kids. Not because they're bad kids, but because they
don't understand the bigger picture or the consequences of their actions.
This is where you step in. Don't let them manipulate you.

(14:16):
Don't dismiss them either. If your child is crying, having
a meltdown, or coming to you to vent, listen to them,
validate their feelings and their experiences. Try to remember what
it felt like to be a kid, small and helpless,
relying on the people around you for protection and understanding.
Be the protection, the father, the superhero that you needed
when you were their age. As men, one of the

(14:37):
things we covet the most is respect. The problem is
many of us fail to show enough to others to
truly earn it. Our actions fall short. We overestimate ourselves,
demand respect, and believe we deserve it, whether we've earned
it or not. Disrespect dilemma often stems from insecurity for
moments when our shortcomings have been exposed, or even from
unresolved childhood trauma. Here's the truth. Men who are secure,

(15:00):
cure and who they are don't crave the respect of others.
I'm gonna read that again. Here's the truth. Men who
are secure and who they are don't crave the respect
of others. They don't let their egos dictate their behavior,
forcing them into a false bravado or convincing themselves that
they're better than everyone else. Instead, they recognize their strengths
and their weaknesses, accept them, and get to work on

(15:21):
what they can improve. This is what acceptance and humility
looks like. And here's the kicker. Your children see it all.
They'll notice the difference between real integrity and hollow words
which doing hotness. Yeah, what's working on? Still such a badass?
You want to come say hello to everybody? Yeah? Hello people?

(15:52):
There you go. You guys were grace by the presence
of a goddess. I'm gonna start back where I was.
Your children see it all. They'll notice the difference between
real integrity and hollow words. If your bravado is just
hot air, they'll figure it out. If you preach about
how a man is only good as his words, but

(16:14):
fail to live by it, they'll see that too. They'll
learn that challenging you hurts your ego, and that your
life isn't built on a solid foundation. Your kids are
always watching. As a father, you've got work to do.
You need to master effective communication, emotional maturity, and self regulation.
These aren't just skills to help you function better, their
tools to lead by example. Your children already love you.
They see you as their protector against the outside world.

(16:36):
But here's the question. Are you their protection protector and
the home Your faults will be exposed to your kids. Eventually,
there's no avoiding it, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
In fact, it's an opportunity. By admitting your mistakes and
showing a willingness to grow, you teach your children valuable
lessons that no one is perfect, that change is possible,
that mistakes don't define a person, they're part of being human.

(16:58):
This openness fosters empathy and compare. It shows your children
that judging others for their mistakes is unfair and that
understanding and growth are what matter most. There's a kind
of honor and integrity in admitting when you're wrong. This
is the behavior that discourages bullying and promotes listening and
understanding instead of reactions. Most importantly, it shows your kids

(17:19):
that you are honest with them. They may not always
like the hard lessons, but they'll respect you for them.
Because here's the thing, your children will follow your lead.
Attitude reflects leadership, So be the hero that they believe
you to be. One last thing about respect. Just because
you're a man who doesn't chase after the respect of
others doesn't mean you should let malicious intent go unchecked.
Too often, passivity is mistaken for weakness or incapability. The

(17:42):
key is to pick your battles. Don't waste your energy
demanding respect. It's not worth it. Instead, strive to be
the kind of person who naturally commands respect when they
walk into a room. True respect is enforced, it's earned.
The way that we treat our wives sets the tone
for our children's future relationships. If you're the kind of
man who loses controls, sees red, punges holes in the wall,
throws things, or talks down to your partner. Your sons

(18:03):
will grow up believing that's how men act. Where's your
daughters may come to you. Your daughters may come to
think that that's the kind of treatment that they should accept.
You're not just hurting your partner in those moments, You're
setting your children up for a lifetime of hardships. I'm
gonna pause for a second because I want to touch something,
touch on something. There was a moment in the last

(18:26):
seven months, six months somewhere around there, at two separate
occasions where each one of our children asked, and not
near each other, but differently, why don't you and Pops
fight to peaches? And they asked, how come we don't

(18:49):
scream and yell at each other? And you know, they've
always asked questions like, you know, why do you guys
hug and kiss so much? And why do you dance
in the kitchen? But they never asked that, And you know,
we had to probe a little bit and learned that
they were seeing that in other places. And I was
able to understand how much my growth has impacted the

(19:15):
children in terms of what a man is supposed to
look like. And I got to see on the same
thing from Peaches about how a woman is supposed to
like lead her home and like handle all of that
and like do the being presence with the kids, and
like the non combative communication, and like the I don't know,
there was just so much involved in that that reading

(19:36):
this chapter back, that's all I can think of is
that we don't scream and yell. Peaches and I don't
raise their voices at each other. Like we don't. We
don't get nasty, we don't say out of this side
of the net hurtful shit to each other. There's two
of them underneath it there, checked by the back of it,

(19:58):
unless I put it in her room already other side
by the door. Okay, oh that's funny. All right, we're
gonna ge back to the boo because I don't remember
what I was talking about. Yeah, I think I got
my point across though. But if you're the kind of

(20:21):
man who never raises his voice, who treats his wife
with love, admiration, and gratitude, your children will learn a
very different lesson. You're showing them what love truly looks like.
You're teaching your sons how to honor and respect their
future partners, and you're setting the standard for what kind
of love your daughters will seek out. That being said,
I'm sorry that said. Being a loving partner doesn't mean

(20:41):
letting someone abuse or manipulate you. It's just as important
to model healthy boundaries as it is to model kindness
and respect. Our kids have asked why are you always touching?
Got to put this in the book. Why do you

(21:01):
kiss so much? Why are you slow dancing in the kitchen?
Why do you hug so much? Pops? Why do you
sing to mommy? My answer is always because I love
her and that she makes me happy. You know what,
they've never asked, why did you hit mommy? Why are

(21:23):
you yelling all the time? And why do you throw things? Fuck?
This is intentional. We live with purpose and we get
the outcomes we strive for. It's really that simple. We
don't fight in front of the kids. Honestly, we don't

(21:44):
fight much at all. Peaches and I talk sometimes those
talks are hard, but unless it's something the kids shouldn't
be here, we have those conversations in front of them.
They get to see us, two people that they look
up to most, engaging in healthy debates, finding solutions, owning
our mistakes, apologizing, and moving forward. There's no lingering, tension,
no extended silences. We repair immediately and we choose to

(22:04):
have a good day afterwards. We tell the kids every
morning before school, you get to choose the kind of
day you have. You get to choose the kind of
life that you want to live. Life will sometimes throw
things at you and you can't control it, but your
response in those moments will define your character. Those choices
will shape your future and every decision that you make afterwards.
Love with intent, Love with intent, live with intent, Teach

(22:27):
with intent. The results will follow. I want to circle
back to boundaries for a moment before moving on to work.
Your children begin learning about boundaries long before they even
understand the word. They watch how you set, enforce and
respect boundaries in your own life, and that becomes their blueprint.
If you let others walk all over you, if you
constantly people please, your kids will pick up on it.

(22:48):
They may start to manipulate you, disregard your authority, and
ultimately lose respect for you as a strong, capable figure
in their lives. Setting boundaries is more about more than
just saying no. It's about respecting yourself enough to know
that what you will and won't allow. And forcing those
boundaries with love not anger. Shows your children that you

(23:10):
value yourself and that they should too. By modeling this behavior,
you're equipping your kids with an invaluable tool for life.
Teaching them to understand, set, and maintain boundaries will set
them up for success in their relationship relationships, careers, and
personal growth. It's a skill that many people never never develop,
but it's one of the most important lessons you can
give them. I'm a pause for a Marie Will learning

(23:32):
that I'm a pause. Boundaries aren't barriers. They're a foundation
for respect, both for yourself and from others. When I
got sober, I was I was sober sober for a decade.
I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs like I was
the epitome of sobriety for a decade. And because my

(23:52):
boundaries were so stern a lot of the times, I
would probably say ninety nine percent of the time when
somebody would offer me something and I said no, there
was not a repetitive push. I believe that when you
instill those boundaries in your children and they say no
with confidence, it's not a peer pressure thing. If they
can say no, they can explain their position, and they

(24:15):
can explain it effectively. People don't pry anymore. And I
can only say ninety nine percent because I had one
boss towards the end of my sobriety that really pushed
for me to drink with him because he wanted me
to drink with him for whatever reason. He was not
a good dude, right hindsight, Like at the time I
thought he was my friend. Hindsight, he clearly fucking wasn't.

(24:39):
But that was a lapse of judgment in me right Anyways.
Fatherhood is a subject so vast and profound that you
could fill entire libraries libraries with it. But let me
be clear, I'm not trying to write a definitive book
on it. What I'm putting down here is simply thoughts
weighing on my heart, the things that I needed to
get out of my head onto paper. That said, there

(25:00):
are some credible, incredible books that I recommend if you're
looking to grow as a father as a man. These
resources have shaped my perspective and given me tools to
approach fatherhood with intention And there's a few books I'll
just really quick them quickly name them off their honor
recommended reading lists. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman,

(25:21):
Raising Men by Eric Davis, The Masculinity Manifesto by Ryan Mickler,
Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink. This book's not actually about
fatherhood specifically, but the lessons absolutely apply. The Intentional Father
by John Tyson. The Courage to Be Disliked. I am
not going to try to say that name Akiro, I'm
fuck it, Akiro shimmy Ikero Choice Theory by William Glasser.

(25:45):
Each of these books offers unique insights into parenting, personal growth,
and leadership. They've helped me navigate fatherhood with greater greater clarity, purpose,
and humility. Whether your father striving to become a better man,
these works are great tools for the journey. Last thing
I want to get into his fatherhood is working and
work ethic as men. One of our primary objectives is

(26:06):
to provide the way that you approach work or avoid it.
Teaches your kids everything they need to know about being
an adult. Ask yourself, are you the type of man
who makes excuses for why you don't have the life
you want. Do you blame others, complain about how unfair
the world is? Let me be blunt. That is some
of the weakest, most pathetic behavior a man can exhibit.
And I say that full chest. When I type that paragraph,

(26:27):
I was cursing like you wouldn't believe, because I was
infuriated while I was writing it, because that hit our
home on a personal level right around the time that
I was writing this book. And let me tell you.
Let me tell you, okay, or are you the man
that gets up every day, tired and sore, doing what
needs to be done because your family depends on you,

(26:47):
because those little eyes are watching, those little souls are
counting on you to provide stability, a roof over their heads, transportation, food, water,
and clean a clean, safe environment for them to grow in.
Do your kids see you calling off of work because
you don't feel like it. Do they see you grumbling
about a honeydew list? Do they hear you blaming the
world for your struggles, making excuses for why you don't

(27:07):
have what you want? Or do they see a man
who says I'm working for it, I don't have it? Yet,
but I will. Life is hard, son, but if you
want it bad enough, you'll make it happen. Do they
remember you working two jobs during the holidays, Maybe they
didn't see you as much. Maybe they'll never forget you
putting their toys together. I'm sorry, but they'll never forget
you putting their toys together Christmas morning. Will they look

(27:29):
back and see a man who did whatever it took
to give them a life that was more than just Okay,
here's the hard truth. If you're barely scraping by, if
you have no savings, no dependable transportation, no way to
fix it when it breaks, or if you're stuck in
a job with no real skill or long term prospects,
you need to reevaluate your life. If an emergency would
devastate your family and you don't con and you consistently

(27:50):
rely on the charity of others just to get by.
Do not have kids. It's not fair to them. Don't
try to justify it with but I'll love them unconditionally.
Love is not enough to feed them, It's not enough
to keep the lights on. And let's be honest, most
men who say that don't even love themselves enough to
push through the discomfort and thrive. Whoo fuck iriad that again.

(28:10):
Don't try to justify it with but I'll love them enough, unconditionally.
Love is not enough to feed them, It's not enough
to keep the lights on. And let's be honest, most
men who say that do not love themselves enough to
push through the discomfort and thrive. Your children deserve a
father who sets examples, one who sacrifices, who works relentlessly

(28:32):
to build a life worth living. They deserve better. Period
made me sweaty, guys? All right? Chapter five? How do
you define success? What does success look like to you?
Can you define it right now with zero prompts? Most
people define success in different ways. For some, it's having money,
a paying job, a career. It might be owning a

(28:54):
big house, driving a new car, or even finally buying
their dream car. In parentheses, this one's not all it's
Others see success as being married, being a good parent,
or putting their kids through college. Some say it's all
of the above. For me, success is simple. It's waking
up in the morning without the weight of despair, without
wanting to end it all. It's going to bed at
night knowing I own the day that my time wasn't squandered.

(29:17):
Success is seeing my kids learn new things, hearing them laugh,
and watching them revel and care free joy of childhood.
At the end of the day, when my wife lays
her head on my chest and says, this is my
favorite part of the day, or this is what I
look forward to most, I know that I've succeeded. Didn't

(29:43):
expect that to get to me. Whether we talk, watch TV,
or share moments of intimate the moments of intimacy, these
quiet times together solidify what matters to me. Even if
she falls asleep on my chest, when she wakes up
to roll over, I get a kiss, and I love you.
I never go to bed without that connection. That's love.
It's the cornerstone of my life. If God were to

(30:09):
punch my ticket in the middle of the night, there
would be no question that in my wife's heart that
she was loved. My kids would know that I love
them deeply, and that I carry and we'll carry with
them the values that I work so hard to instill,
and I believe they will be the kind of adults
I hope they'd become. I take comfort in knowing that
life would go on. We have enough people in our corner,
that my wife would be cared for, my kids would

(30:30):
be secure, the podcast would continue, Peaches would still have
financial freedom, and my legacy would be one of love
and purpose. This to me is success. We we've done

(30:52):
a lot in the last year, guys, We've done a lot,
a lot. We have multiple retreats. We did Costa Rica,
Like twenty twenty five has been a fucking whorldwind and
we're not done yet. We have, you know, a couple's
retreat or a women's retreat that we're doing next weekend.
We have another couple's retreat in December which still has

(31:13):
a room available. I have a men's retreat in March.
We have Greece and Bali next year in May. We're
having a mod retreat in November. We have a private
thing that we're doing in October. We're going to Utah
at the end of September. We are affecting the world
around us. We are changing lives. We are doing everything
that we can to leave a footprint so fucking large

(31:35):
that our tribe can stand inside of it and start
walking their own paths so that other people can follow.
And I can't, like, I can't even begin to explain
to you guys how meaningful my life is now and
how much gratitude I have that I'm able to wake

(31:57):
up and do this every day. For a living like
this is one of the most humbling and fulfilling things
that I've ever done in my life. So thank you.
One last aspect of my success is freedom. Financial freedom

(32:22):
isn't about hoarding wealth or chasing material possessions, though I
do like my toys. It's about having the ability to
live life on your own terms. Broke things happened to
broke people, and I refuse to let life's curveballs derail us.
If my engine blew up, a flat tire strand at us,
the transmission failed, or even if our house burned down,
a hurricane hit, or we lost a business or two,

(32:45):
we'd pick up and keep moving. By the end of
the day, no matter what, no matter what bed we
laid down in the night would end the same way
as above, together with love, with peace that comes from
knowing that we're building a life we cherish. Make no mistake,
our bedtime setup isn't habitual. It's something that we work
towards and look forward to. Don't allow the things that

(33:05):
you love in life to simply become habit. Having money
isn't a goal. Money is a tool one that allows
you to create the life that you want to live,
whether that means being a nomad in a van, working
odd jobs to sustain a dream, or living more Traditionally,
financial freedom gives you choices, but the key is still earning,
still building the life that fulfills you. Success isn't about

(33:27):
chasing a dollar. It's about living your dream and finding fulfillment,
creating memories and going to bed at night satisfied knowing
that you gave your all, gave your all to the
things and people that matter most. That to me is
true success. So how do you define success? Take a
minute to answer that. Write it down, not digitally, physically.
I'm going to leave a page blank so that you

(33:47):
can write it. In this book. I actually didn't leave
the page blank. I didn't number the book either, So
for you guys who buy this, there's no fucking numbers
in the book. There's two pages I actually have numbers
on them. I have no idea why you did that
or how that happened on the upload, but whatever. Back
to the book. This is what I think about every
time I think about what defines success. It's a reminder
I carry with me daily, etched into my thoughts. There

(34:09):
was a time in my life when I woke up
every morning pissed off that I hadn't died in my sleep.
I didn't want to exist. I wasn't in a place
where I felt bad enough to take my own life.
Fear of hell had a huge part in that, and
so did the fear of failing the attempt somehow making
my already miserable life even worse. I gotta be honest
in those two scenarios, the fear of failing and making

(34:30):
my life even worse was greater than the fear of
hell and me ultimately unliving myself. Looking back now, I
see it for what it was, cowardice. But you know what,
that's the best time to be a coward, because at
least it kept me alive. Yet the life I was living,
if you could even call it, that, was barely a

(34:51):
life at all. I was broken, unmotivated, a failure of
a male who had no ambition, no drive, and let
my depression and hopelessness dictate my every move. The people
are me didn't get a whole person. They got a shadow,
a shell of someone who had given up. So many
people are stuck in that cycle. You hear them say
things like I'm going to die anyways, so I didn't
ask to be born, or life isn't fair. These aren't

(35:13):
just words, their excuses, excuses to justify the fact that
they've given up, and I truly believe they have. This
kind of mindset is a self fulfilling prophecy. All that
negativity is being spoken into existence. It locks you in
a prison of your own making. What's worse, the people
around them likely do the same thing, creating an echo
chamber of misery and defeat. That kind of environment is

(35:34):
suffocating and escaping. It is no small feet. But when
someone does manage to break free those same small I'm sorry,
excuse me. When someone does manage to break free those
same negative people often turn on them. They go from
being accepting or indifferent to outright resentful. Why because you
did something that they are choosing not to. You found
a reason to keep going, to believe in yourself. You

(35:57):
made a choice, and that terrifies them. Your relationship with
others is a reflection of how you see yourself. If
you treat yourself poorly, then you'll you will also unconsciously
seek out and tolerate others who treat you poorly. The
truth is, no one is coming to save you. If
you're stuck in this endless cycle of despair, you have
to ask yourself one question, what are you going to
do about it? And if your answer is something like

(36:17):
what can I do? Then you haven't been paying attention.
You aren't listening, you aren't learning or applying anything. You've
wasted your money, and you're wasting your time and maybe
even someone else's. It has been thirty hours since I
finished the last chapter. I had no idea how I
was going to approach the topic of success. My only
goal for you for this chapter was to make you
put in an honest thought about how you define the word,

(36:40):
what it looks like to you. Over the past thirty hours,
I've been reflecting deeply on this. Over the last thirty hours,
someone I know killed themselves. When I got the call,
I wasn't shocked, not even close. In fact, my first
thought was I'm surprised it took this long let that
sink in. A young man, a human being, ended his life.
And my immediate reaction wasn't sorrow or grief. It wasn't

(37:03):
I'm sorry for your loss, or even damn, I'm going
to miss him. It was I'm surprised it hadn't happened sooner.
I wasn't close to him, We hadn't spoke in nearly
a decade. He wasn't a friend, just someone I knew,
and if I'm being honest, I made a conscious choice
to keep him out of my life. I didn't integrate
him into my social circles or my world because I
knew deep down that he would poison the well. His mindset,

(37:24):
his choices, as entire energy, none of it aligned with
the life that I was trying to build. That might
sound harsh, but sometimes survival requires hard decisions. I've learned
that we can't save everyone, no matter how much we
want to. People have to want to save themselves first.
But until they do the only thing that we can
do is focus on our own growth and protect our
own peace. Before moving forward, I want to touch on

(37:47):
something important. I'll start with a religious perspective and then
reframe it for those who don't hold any faith From
a religious standpoint, there are countless moments in the Bible
where the power of words is undeniable. He spoke it
and it was He spoke it and it was done.
God created life itself through his word. If we are
made in God's image, and I believe we are, then
we carry a fragment of that creative power within us.

(38:10):
Our words have weight. They shape reality, for better or
for worse. This is why you need to be careful
with your thoughts. Your thoughts eventually become your words. Your
words will drive your actions. Your actions will dictate your future. Now,
for those of you without faith, here's another way to
look at it. The universe doesn't care about you. It's
indifferent to your struggles, your dreams, your fears. You were created,
you exist, and because of that, life will throw obstacles

(38:32):
your way. It doesn't matter if you think it's fair
or not. What matters is what you do next. You
have two choices to overcome or quit. That's it. But
here's the thing. Overcoming those obstacles isn't just about the
immediate victory. Every time you push through, you grow, you learn,
You become more skilled at handling hard things, and what
once seemed impossible becomes easier. The cycle isn't random. The

(38:53):
more you succeed, the more capable you become of tackling
bigger challenges. It's like a muscle. Resistance makes you stronger
and believe in yourself enough to start taking even the
smallest steps. The momentum will build. It's almost as if
the universe steps asides and lets you pass. This also
builds confidence. Celebrate your small victories, take in the wind,
and keep moving. I'm gonna pause real quick because I

(39:14):
want to touch on the religion aspect of things and speech.
It's called spelling when you write things down. For a reason,
when we speak, we are casting spells into the universe.
If you don't believe in God, they you probably believe
in that. And if you don't believe in anything, and
you are one hundred percent atheist and you believe that
there's nothing greater and this is just life, then you

(39:37):
believe that there's fucking vibrations, and you believe in physics
and quantum physics, and all of that speaks to the
vibrations within us. Our words are vibrations. Music affects our
body on a cellular label level, label level. All of
the things that you put onto the universe has intent
and energy behind it. Your words fucking matter. You guys

(39:59):
downplay that I didn't get it. I really didn't fucking
get it until our first IYA ceremony, And as we've
evolved into who we are recently, I am very cautious
about the way that I speak. I'm still cussing a lot,
but I find myself trying to find wording a lot
differently now than I did before, especially when speaking of me.

(40:21):
Back to the book in my own life, every time
I've started talking taking the necessary steps toward a goal,
no matter how small they've added up. Things don't get
done because I make them happen. Fuck, things get done
because I make them happen. I don't sit around waiting
for someone to save me. I'm not looking for a handout,
and I don't need people to step in. I don't
wait for perfect conditions, the star or the stars to align.

(40:42):
I just start moving. The bottom line is this, You
have the power to shape your life. Whether you believe
that power comes from God, the universe, or within yourself,
it doesn't matter. What matters is that you use it.
So speak carefully, think carefully, act deliberately, and start moving
because no one else is going to do it for you.
Stop dreaming, start doing grab life by the throat, make
it submit to your make it submit to your will.

(41:02):
I want to share a few quotes that hit me hard,
ones that remind me to get up and fight for
what I want and keep moving forward. They touched on
the sense essence of life, purpose in action. These words
aren't just inspirations. They're reminders of the truth about how
fleeting life can be and the importance of living intentionally.
It's not death that a man should fear, but he

(41:23):
should fear never beginning to live Marcus Aurelius. This one
cuts deep. Death isn't it isn't the enemy. It's inevitable.
No one gets out of this alive. What we which
should scare us is the idea of coasting through life
without ever truly living. Too many people are stuck neutral,
caught in fear, doubt, or apathy. The tragedy isn't dying dying,
but it's it's never actually living. He who has a

(41:48):
why to live can bear almost any how, by Nietzsche,
When you have a reason, a purpose that drives you,
it changes everything. Hardships don't disappear, but they become manageable.
A strong why feels resistance, a resilience. Excuse me. A
strong wif fuels. Resilience keeps keeping you anchored, no matter
how stormy life gets. Without it, even the smallest challenges

(42:10):
feel insurmountable. And then the last one is You are
what you do, not what you say you'll do. By
Carl Jung. This one stings, but it's the truth. Talk
is cheap. Actions over words, intentions, promises, plans, they're meaningless
without action. Who you are isn't defined by your dreams
once or what you hope to achieve, is defined by

(42:30):
what you do every day. Your actions are your identity,
so make them count. Oh, I have another one. The
tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon,
but that we wait so long to begin it. By W. M. Lewis.
Life's greatest loss isn't in how short it is. It's
in how much time we waste waiting for the right moment.

(42:52):
There will never be a right time, only a right now.
Say that again, there will never be a right time,
only a right now. Too often we tell ourselves we'll
start later once the conditions are too perfect, once we
feel ready. But guess what, That day never comes unless
you make it come. So stop waiting to start living.
I'm gonna pause again and give you guys a little
bit of a story after I get a drink. When

(43:21):
we decided to start this podcast, Beaches and I were
blown up on TikTok hitting that you know, two hundred
thousand subscriber mark her follower mark on TikTok each of
us did, and she was making a TikTok one day
and I walked through her TikTok and people are like,
oh my god, you guys are together, and they freaked out.
And then we went live and only had like fucking

(43:42):
one hundred people or something in there. And during that
live stream, so many people were like, you guys should
start a podcast. And we went live again, got more followers,
and that thing kept coming up, and we went to
Naples to do some photo shoots at a garden down there.
They have a really beautiful botanical garden where water lilies
are just fucking the tits and you can take the
like fat bumblebee photos so good. On the way to Naples,

(44:06):
we were having a discussion about where we wanted to
go with what we were doing at the time, and
what we wanted to do was coaching, and we had
like a forty five minute conversation about coaching, and then
we got into the conversation about the podcast. And when
we got done doing the photo shoot and drove back,
we continued the conversation about the podcast. I had sold
all of my camera equipment, all but like our main cameras,

(44:32):
for money to help out tattoo artists that were hurt
by Hurricane Ian, and to make sure that we were
on top of things. I sold literally almost everything that
I owned, did camera wise, and bought all the shit,
got it back in the house, set up, did our
first podcast. We had no structure. We didn't like sit
down and try to plan things out. We asked people

(44:54):
to email in, we read the emails, We were us,
We did the thing. All of that was we had
the converse decided that we were going to do it.
That was the conversation, not how, not what we needed,
just that we were going to do it. When I
got home, I ordered what I knew I needed to
buy a mixer, microphones, whatever, got my computer set up

(45:17):
in here, made this room that we're currently sitting in
the room where we recorded, and within two days of
everything arriving, I had everything set up, obs working the mixer,
I figured out all the tech. We sat down and
did our first episode. It was December seventeenth, during the
time that we recorded our first episode, and I got
everything set up like arrived. I bought our domains, I

(45:39):
bought our fucking fictitious name. I did all of the
things that I knew that I needed to do to
make a successful business. This was not a Okay, here's
a list of one hundred things that I need to
get done. This were things that I thought of in
the moment. And if I can just achieve this one thing,
that's one less thing that I have to do moving forward.

(46:00):
And every time I achieved something, I was like, fuck, yeah,
I did this thing. Hey babe, we have this next step,
next step, next step. And we were doing this as
we were going. We weren't waiting until everything was perfect,
until we had the perfect recording room, or until things
were just you know, fucking flawless. We had the agreement

(46:22):
that we were going to do the podcast, and then
we just fucking went step by step to do things.
You guys, wait and you try to wait until you
have formulated enough of a thing to do it. It's
not gonna work when I opened my first tattoo shop
where it was like solely tattoo piercing, because I had
a failed piercing studio before where I was just a

(46:42):
piercer or just the piercer there. When I decided I
wanted to own my own tattoo studio and I was
going to venture out on my own, I was still tattooing,
and over the course of one year, I bought everything
that I needed for my tattoo shop. I didn't have
a name, I didn't have a location. I just knew
that I wanted to do it, and I knew that
I was going to have to buy all the equipment,
whether I did it a year from now or two

(47:03):
years from now or ten years from now. So every
time I had extra money, I bought chairs or tattoo
flash or an autoclave or whatever it was that I
needed to buy, so that I knew that by the
time I was ready to start looking for a unit,
all of that shit was taken care of. And that's
how I did it. And when I had everything that
I knew that I needed, I started looking for a unit.
I found a unit the day that I went out

(47:24):
looking sign the lease. The next morning, and we were
open within three weeks. It all comes down to just
doing the things that you need to do to get
you to where you want to go. If you want
to do a marathon, you have to get the fuck
up and start moving. You can't do it from your couch.

(47:45):
All right back to the book. These quotes don't just
inspire me, they hold me accountable. They remind me that
time is precious, that purpose gives life and meaning, that
purpose gives life meaning, and that action is everything. Each
one challenges me to step up, to quit waiting, and
to start moving forward towards the life I want. What
are you waiting for? If these words resonate with you,

(48:06):
don't just not along and agree do something right now,
because life isn't going to wait for you to decide
to begin. For many of many of you reading this,
the hardest part is knowing where to start. And that's okay.
Where you start doesn't matter nearly as much as the
fact that you fucking start. I didn't say the F
word there. That was intentional. Taking the first step, no
matter how small, is the key to building momentum and

(48:28):
changing your life. By the time this book is released,
I'm skipping that part because we decided to not do that.
I'm going to read it anyways, and then maybe I'll
touch on that. It says by the time this book
is released, to be focused coaching, a mentoring program will
be live. If you truly need guidance or support, head
over to the whatever. We stop that the goals didn't
align there, the vision didn't align. Mike and Katie are

(48:51):
doing their own thing with force of focus. As far
as I know, they're very successful doing their shit. Love
that for them. Peaches is doing mentorship with women. I
am doing mentorship with when, but we're doing men. But
we're doing it on our own terms without other people
being involved in a way that we see fit. Next

(49:12):
chapter says we also offer women's and men's and women's
groups through our Patreon community, where you can connect with
others who are on the same journey. If you don't
have so that you don't have to do this loan,
visitpatreon dot com slash to be Better to learn more.
The tools and resources are there, the choice to use
them as yours. I had planned to wrap this chapter
up with those thought provoking quotes, but the more I write,

(49:32):
the more I feel I need to say. Let me
ask you this. Do you know what your core values are,
what your non negotiables are. If you haven't figured that
out yet, don't worry. There's a chapter later dedicated to that.
Do you know what your direction your life is moving in?
More importantly, is that direction aligned with the life that
you want to live? Or is it keeping you exactly
where you are right now? Let's take it a step further.

(49:53):
What does your life currently look like? Are you working
a dead end job? Do you have any savings or
are you barely scraping by? How does your feel I
really feel about you? Do you feel fulfilled or are
you just going through the motions. Here's another question, and
it's a big one. How much of your life is
How much of your life is consumed by escapism? Take
a hard look. Are you spending hours playing video games, drinking,

(50:15):
using drugs, reading, or endlessly scrolling through social media or YouTube?
Check your screen time on your phone. Now add up
all the other screens in your life. How much of
that time is used to movie closer towards your goals?
How much of it is spent working towards your vision
of success? And how much of it is just helping
you get through the day. You can change that. Let's
figure out how to make your day more productive. Let's

(50:37):
design a day where you start building the life that
you want and end it feeling like you owned it.
I have a sixty day challenge for you. This is
for anyone who's serious about breaking out of their current
cycle and taking control of their life. Yes, it's going
to require effort. Yes you'll need to adjust your schedule,
like getting up earlier, which means going to bed earlier.
But if you commit to this for sixty days, you'll
see change your morning routine. Wake up early, figure out

(51:00):
the time that works for you, but give yourself at
least an extra hour. Drink a bottle of water. Hydration
is a key. Is key to kickstarting your body. Get moving.
Do some kind of physical activity. It doesn't have to
be a full gym session, but start simple. Go for
a two mile walk every morning. Better yet, invite your
partner or your spouse to join you. Use this time
to connect if you're single, put on an audiobook or

(51:20):
a podcast that challenges your thinking. Shower and eat some protein,
whether it's a full meal or just a quick protein shake.
Fuel your body. Meditate ten to fifteen minutes to mentally
visualize your day. Focus on how you want it to
go and how you want it to end. Journal forget
the dear diary crap. That's right, no wrong way to
do this. Just write. Get your thoughts out of your
head and onto paper. What's been bothering you? What are

(51:42):
your wins and losses? What do you need to communicate
to your family or team. Organize your thoughts and put
them in front of you. Set your goals. Write down
five things that you must accomplish today. This is important.
Take a photo of your list that you can refer
to it if you don't carry your journal with you,
and at the end of the day, check those tasks
off and celebrate your wins. If you struggle with any
of those tasks, revisit them the next day. Journal about why.

(52:03):
Be honest with yourself where you're procrastinating, distracted, lacking focus.
Self awareness is a superpower, and it starts with being
your own biggest advocate while you're running your sixty day challenge.
I highly recommend reading Buy Back Your Time by Dan Martel.
This book offers powerful insights and one of the most
valuable tools is the time audit. If you commit to
doing it, it will completely shift your perspective on how

(52:25):
you use your time. We do this one quarter every
year in my men's group. The time audit this is
and it's done over a three month span, and it's
more than just the time audit, but we really run
through like right now, the September is the end of
this quarter, and what we're doing now in September is
trying to figure out where we save time and how

(52:45):
we can implement that time into our life, whether it
be building our business better, reconnecting with our loved ones,
having more time with our children, taking vacations, et cetera,
et cetera. And we do this every year for a
reason because we fall back into routines. We get caught
up and running a business where life gets hectic and
you find yourself working sometimes until midnight or getting up

(53:07):
at four in the morning so that you have two
hours of quiet time before everyone else gets up to
research on doing things and doing all of that shit.
So the time audits they matter. I do them often
like and be honest about it. And while you're at
to do a friend audit too, you'd be surprised what
you find when your friend audits for one week. Write
down what you're doing every fifteen minutes of the day, Yes,

(53:28):
every fifteen minutes. Be brutally honest with yourself. Write it
all down, scrolling on your phone, working, eating, procrastinating, zoning out.
Track everything. At the end of the week, take a
hard look at the patterns. This is your time audit,
and it's going to reveal where your time is slipping
away and what you need to change. I won't sugarcoat it.
This exercise is going to sting. You're going to probably
feel called out by your own data, and it'll be

(53:49):
a huge slap in the face. But at this point,
awareness is the first step to improvement, and the discomfort
of seeing your wasted time can be the wake up
call you need. I warned you it's not easy, but
if you're serious about reclaiming your time in taking control
of your life, this exercise will be a game changer.
Be honest, then make the adjustments necessary to align your
time with your goals. Success doesn't happen by accident. It
starts with you building a team. I'm sorry, it starts

(54:12):
with you. Building a team is great, but before others
will follow you, you have to lead yourself. Add value
to your own life. First, become the type of person
that others want in their circle. Be the kind of
person who inspires, who motivates, and who leads by example.
Live with intent and integrity. If you're ready to change
your life, start now, start today. You got this? Do
you have a vision board? Ever heard of one? A

(54:33):
vision board is a powerful tool to keep your goals
and desired outcomes front and center. It can take many forms,
a photocolage on your phone, desktop, wallpaper on your computer,
a printout on your fridge, or my personal favorite, a
big ass cork board hanging on the wall. Here's how
it works. Find images that represent your goals and a
life that you want to create. Pin those images where
you'll see them every single day. Visibility is key. It's

(54:55):
a constant reminder of what of what you're working toward.
A ranger vision board with intentions start by placing easiest,
smallst goals at the top and the most prominent spots,
and work your way down to the biggest, hardest, hardest,
biggest goal. As you achieve your goals, celebrate those wins,
removing them, marking them as completed, or reshuffling the board

(55:16):
and focus on the next target. Your vision board can
be a one year, three year, or even five year plan.
Anything beyond five years that's stretching it too much, because
too much can change in that time. What seems vital
today might not matter in a few years. Well organized
vision boards allow you to adapt as your goals evolve.
Doing this, along with putting in the work, creates a

(55:36):
visual representation of your progress. It's not just about dreaming,
it's about turning those dreams into tangible, measurable results. You
can even leave your completed goals on the board and
mark them as done to remind yourself of how far
you've come. If you're interested in deeper dive into how
to create and use a vision board, check out a
video I made for the Men's Group. I've made it
public on YouTube. Your vision board isn't a decoration, it's

(55:58):
a daily accountability tool. Start building yours and keep your
goals in focus in the production. I'm sorry. In the
introduction to this book, I said, perception is reality. Perception
is how we regard, understand, and interpret the world around us,
a mental impression that we create. The way you view
the world matters deeply. The meaning you assign to the task.

(56:19):
The tasks, challenges, and daily grind of life will dictate
how you choose to respond to them. If you can
change perception, you can change your reality. Let me leave
you with this final thought as I wrap this up.
I hate negativity. I can't stand a defeatist mindset. And
what's worse is when people make the conscious choice day
after day to wallow and self pity. Here's the truth.

(56:40):
You are not a victim of the world around you.
You are a victim of yourself and the decisions that
you make every single day. Life is hard, it always
has been and it always will be. But it doesn't
mean that you have to collapse under its weight. The
world doesn't feel bad for you. It doesn't care about
your excuses or complaints. The people in your life, the
ones who genuinely can care about you, might listen for

(57:01):
a while, but eventually they will tired of hearing you
cry about your problems without doing anything to fix them.
Over time, they will begin to resent you. That resentment
will grow until one day you find yourself isolated, bitter,
and completely alone. Negativity is a cesspool, a toxic sludge
that drags people's down and keeps them stuck. Don't swim
in it. Refuse to let that mindset infect you. You

(57:23):
have the power to change your circumstances, but it starts
with how you choose to view them. Your perception is
your greatest weapon or your greatest weakness. Choose wisely change
how you see the world, and you'll change what's possible
in your life. Still got people watching it means you
guys didn't go to the premiere with I fuck with it.

(57:43):
I'm glad you guys are hanging out chapter six? So
what are you going to do about it? Gon't do
about it. The first half of this book has been
a lot of introspection. I face my own demons head on,
called out my shortcomings, and confront of my past behaviors
without holding back. I've also taken a hard look at

(58:04):
the people in my life, drawing on their strengths and weaknesses,
not to cast blame, but to make a point, set
an example, or to illustrate a difference between right and wrong.
All of that was intentional. It was meant to bring
you here to this moment of reflection. I truly hope
that the first half of this book resonated with you
that something I said made you pause, think, or even
challenge your perspective. Honestly, I hope it pushed you enough

(58:26):
to feel uncomfortable. Maybe it even triggered you to the
point where you had to step away from the book
for a while. If it did, that's not a bad thing.
It means I hit a nerve. It means you have
work to do. My prayer is that it inspired something
deeper with in you, a desire to grow, to do more,
to become more than what you currently are. Because here's
the truth. Growth isn't easy. It's messy. Sometimes it drags

(58:46):
you along kicking and screaming before something finally clicks. And
I hope that for you something clicked. I hoped the
discomfort that you feel in your current situation burns just
enough to make you crave change. I hope it drives
you to the point where you're ready to not just willing,
but truly ready to take that first step to start
transforming your life. So let me ask you, what are
you going to do about it? Throughout this book and

(59:08):
on the podcast, I've said over and over again that
no one's coming to save you this life that you're living,
It's yours. The results you're experiencing right now are the
direct outcomes of the choices you've made and the ones
that you continue to make every day. But here's the
good news. You can rewrite your story. You can rewrite
the ending. You have the ability to change yours. Sorry

(59:30):
I wrote you can write the ending. You have the
ability to change your life. But no one can make
that choice for you. It's yours alone to make. In
the last chapter, I introduced a sixty day challenge, a
time audit, and the idea of creating a vision board.
Those tools aren't just arbitrary suggestions, they are fundamental steps.
They're a starting point. That sixty day challenge isn't about
just going through the motions or checking off boxes. It's

(59:51):
about building habits, creating new routines, and experiencing firsthand what
a disciplined, intentional life feels like. It's about proving to
your what's possible when you stop coasting and start showing
up with purpose. This book isn't about motivation. It's not
some fleeting pep talk or a locker room speech designed

(01:00:11):
to help you win a single game. No, this is
about something much deeper. My goal isn't to get you
hyped up temporarily, but to present the truth in a
way that makes you realize that the only thing holding
you back in life is you. It all boils down
to the choices that you make, how you handle adversity,
how you communicate with others, how you show up for
yourself every single day. It's all on you. As we

(01:00:32):
dive into the second half of this book, I want
you to I want your focus to shift. Think about
today in the future, not the past. The past is done,
it happened, it's behind you. Let it go. You were abused,
somebody called you stupid, fat, ugly, or told you that
you weren't good enough. You were picked last, dumped, discarded,
or written off. So what me too? It happened. But
now I'm asking you what's next? What do you want

(01:00:54):
out of life? What does success look like for you?
And here's the tougher question, and the last six months?
What have you done to get closer to that vision
of success? How about the last six weeks? Yes, I
did choose the number six because we're in chapter six
and I thought it was witty. The point is are
you taking action? Personally? I really think that I'm pretty
clever sometimes guys, I'm not gonna lie. I thought that

(01:01:16):
was pretty clever. Personally, I like to use the rule five,
something I've talked about on the podcast. Whenever I feel
myself getting stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, I stopped and ask
how will this affect me in the next five seconds,
five minutes, five hours, five days, five weeks, five months,
five years. Then I adjust my mindset on how to
approach it accordingly. Here's the truth. So much of our
anxiety and stress is from the unknown. Worst. It often

(01:01:38):
comes from letting other people's opinions seek so deep into
us that we start doubting our own abilities. How many
opportunities have you slipped by? Or have you let slip
by simply because someone planted a seat of doubt in
your mind? This isn't about blaming them, It's about looking inward.
For far too long, I let other people's negativity have
power over me. I let their opinions influence me so

(01:01:59):
deeply that I stop believing in myself. I stop trusting
in my ability to do the things that I wanted
to do. That's on me, not them, and I've learned
from it. Yep. I want to add real quick too,
that that fear and an anxiety of not knowing and
all of that shit that prevents us from moving forward

(01:02:21):
gets easier. The more you gain confidence in your ability
to get shit done, the more confident you become and
knowing I can do that instead of saying I can't
do this. The more wins you have, the more you
realize that you are that motherfucker because you've been put
under pressure, you've lifted the weight and you've done the thing,
the less likely that anxiety is going to hit you.
You look at it as well, this is just another

(01:02:42):
thing that I've got to get through, and that's okay.
I'm doing something right now that frankly still makes me nervous.
I'm writing this book and I plan on publishing it.
It's something I never thought i'd have the courage to do.
I used to think nobody will want to hear what
I had to say, but you know what people do.
My wife and I have a podcast that's been ranked
in the top forty globally. Man, that's fucking insane. That

(01:03:03):
didn't happen because I sat around doubting myself. It happened
because I got out of my own way and I
am writing this book because I want to do more.
I want to continue helping people change their lives. Not
only did we hit the top forty globally like on
all podcasts, we hit within the top five of relationship
podcasts for like six months. Absolutely wild. She gave me goosebumps.

(01:03:29):
If I had stayed in this, if I had stayed
stuck in the pity me victim mindset, I wouldn't be
here today. I mean that literally. If I hadn't found
the courage to face my fears and take ownership of
my life, I probably wouldn't even be alive. That's not
being dramatic, that's the truth. I realized my feel that
fear of failure was holding me back from even trying.
But then it hit me. By not starting, I was

(01:03:50):
already failing. I had nothing left to lose except a
Bruce Digo, and honestly, that can be a good thing.
But I had everything to gain, and so do you.
This isn't about a perfect life free of fear or setbacks.
It's about realizing that fear, failure, and self doubt are
part of the process. You don't have to be fearless,
you just have to be willing to take the first step,

(01:04:11):
even if it scares you, and the next, and then
the next. We've all heard the famous quote by Thomas
Thomas Edison about his journey to inventing the light bulb.
I have not failed. I've just found ten thousand ways
that didn't work. It's become cliche at this point, but
the truth behind it is undeniable. That quote perfectly captures
the grind, the perseverance, and most importantly, the belief in

(01:04:31):
yourself that it takes to achieve something extraordinary. Imagine if
Edison didn't have the unshakable belief in himself. Imagine if
he'd let the laughter, the criticism, the snide remarks of
others influences dreams. What if he had quit? What if
he had convinced himself that it wasn't worth the effort,
or that he wasn't capable. The world would have been
very different, wouldn't it. Actually I think the world would

(01:04:53):
have been different. But I think that Tesla would have
picked up a whole lot of other things and we
still would have gotten there. It would have just been
very different. The reality is the only thing Edison had
that most people don't is an understanding, unrelenting belief in
his own abilities. He wasn't superhuman, he didn't have some
magic gift that shielded him from failure or doubt. What

(01:05:14):
he did have was a combination of two critical traits,
belief in himself and natural curiosity to figure things out,
no matter how long it took or how many times
he stumbled. What sets people like Edison apart not talent
or luck, but the willingness to keep going when most
would give up. And here's the thing. That same grit,
that same self belief is something that you can cultivate.
It's not reserved for the Edisons of the world. It's

(01:05:36):
something that we all have the capacity to nurture if
we're willing to put in the work. What does that
look like. It looks like gaining knowledge, setting priorities, and
taking actionable steps to implement change in your life. While
you're scrolling through TikTok, playing video games, party and drinking
or doing drugs with your friends, you could be doing
something productive, something that moves the needle towards the life
that you want. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not

(01:05:58):
saying that you should cut out all the things you enjoy.
I play video games occasionally I drink now and then,
which isn't true. I used to, and I even collect
bottles as a hobby. I don't do that anymore either,
But the key is moderation. Those things are an exception,
not the rule. Most of my time is spent on
what truly matters, quality time with people. I love, reading, working, coaching,
and listening. I prioritize activities that will level me up

(01:06:21):
as a man, a husband, a father. I'm intentional about
focusing on what will push me forward, because here's the truth.
I'm working for freedom, the freedom to say I can
do whatever the fuck I want and actually mean it.
The kind of freedom that doesn't come by accident and
comes from consistent effort, discipline, and sacrifice. I know where
I've been, I know my flaws, my weakness is my shortcomings,

(01:06:41):
and I know exactly what I still need to work on.
I'm brutally honest with myself about where I am in life.
Sometimes that honesty stings, It can scare me or make
me second guess myself, but it always points me in
the direction I need to go or grow. I need
to grow. Let me tell you that kind of self
audit isn't easy. Sometimes I heard like hell. It forces
me to confront guilt, guilt about where I fall in short,

(01:07:04):
where I could have done better. Other times, it comes
from a place of love, a deep desire to be
the best version of myself for the people who depend
on me. I know my family is watching. They're counting
on me to lead, to show up, to set the tone.
That reality is a constant reminder that I need to
course correct, to self assess, and keep putting in the
work to be the man that they deserve. This isn't
about perfection. It's about commitment, commitment to growth, to learning,

(01:07:25):
to showing up every day even when it's hard, even
when it hurts, especially when I don't feel like it.
So let me ask you again, what are you going
to do about it? It all starts with a simple choice.
You can choose to stay where you are. You can
choose to start moving forward. Take the sixty day challenge.
Begin there. When life throws obstacles at your path, you
have the decision. You have a decision to make. Will
you see them as a problem or as opportunities. The

(01:07:47):
meaning you assigned to these challenges can either propel you
for it or hold you back. Choose meaning that drives
you toward growth. If you have people in your life
who constantly say yeah, right, you can't do that, or
who are filled with naggatsy, it's time to reevaluate your
social circle. Start distancing yourself from those voices. You don't
have to make a dramatic scene, just take deliberate steps
to create space. As you begin to level up make

(01:08:09):
positive changes in your life, you'll notice something. The people
who don't align with your growth will naturally start falling
by the wayside. It's a hard truth that crab will
always try to pull another crab back into the bucket.
Sometimes people can't stand the idea of someone doing better
than them. Your growth becomes a mirror that reflects their stagnation.
They're wasted time and their misplaced blame for why they
aren't happy or successful. Instead of facing their own shortcomings,

(01:08:31):
we'll try to pull you back down into their level.
Don't let them. But there's a brighter side to the story.
As you begin to make real changes in your life,
you'll start to find people who inspire you, people who
are already where you want to be. These are the
ones to have, who have access, who have success, the
habits and the mindset you're working toward the best part.
Truly happy and successful people don't hoard their knowledge or success.

(01:08:54):
They lift each other up. They recognize that success isn't
a zero sum game. Helping others doesn't diminish what they
have and multiplies it pieces and I have experienced this firsthand.
We've done guest work on other podcasts, sometimes as guests,
sometimes behind the scenes, helping others build their platforms. Their
success doesn't threaten ours. If anything, it adds values to
what we're doing. It builds a network, foster's collaboration and

(01:09:16):
creates a community of shared growth. That's the power in
surrounding yourself with people who genuinely want to see you succeed.
Speaking of community, this has been one of the most
important aspects of building the to Be Better brand. I've
always craved a sense of community, a place where like
minded people can connect and grow together. I looked into
churches and a lot of other groups in search of

(01:09:37):
that feeling, but honestly, I was disappointed. Most of the
men's group I had joined left me feeling underwhelmed. They
didn't meet the needs I had, nor did they inspire
the kind of accountability and growth that I was looking
for most over promised and underdelivered. So I saw an opportunity.
Instead of waiting for the right community to find me,
I built it. That's why I started the discord. With
the reach that we've had on social media, I knew
that there were others out there who wanted the same

(01:09:59):
sense of connection and accountability. I believe we could create
something that filled that void, and we did. Today that
community has grown to over one thousand people. It includes
private groups where men and women hold each other accountable,
work towards personal growth, and help solve each other's problems.
And sometimes it's just a place to enjoy a spirited
and fun nerd debate about whatever happens to be trending.

(01:10:20):
Building this community has been one of the most rewarding
aspects of this journey. It's proof that when you step
out of your comfort zone and brace change and align
yourself with people who share your vision, incredible things happen,
not just for you, but for everyone around you. I'm
going to wrap this chapter up. I could sit here
and throw all kinds of things that you cliche one
liners meant to inspire famous quotes. You've probably seen another
countless Facebook memes or even a curated list of books reads, which,

(01:10:42):
by the way, you can find on our website. But
here's the thing, none of it matters if you don't
take action. You can read every motivational quote, listen to
every inspirational podcast, and fill yourselves with book on self improvement,
but if you don't apply what you've learned, it's all
just noise. Knowledge isn't power. Application of the knowledge is
without action, you get nowhere. Without action, it gets you nowhere.

(01:11:03):
It's doing. It's the doing that changes your life, not
the planning, not the wishing, and certainly not the wanting.
The truth is there's no secret formula or magic moment
where it all clicks and suddenly becomes easy. Growth requires effort,
it requires discomfort. It demands that you take a hard
look at where you are, where you are, decide where
you want to go, and start moving one small, intentional

(01:11:26):
step after another. That's what creates real, lasting change. So,
as this comforter comfor, As this chapter comes to a close,
I want to leave you with this. Don't just sit
with the information that you've been given, Do something with it.
Take one idea, one challenge, one piece of advice, from
this book and act on it. It doesn't have to
be perfect, it doesn't even have to be big. It
just has to be real. We are an hour and

(01:11:50):
thirteen minutes. How long is chapter seven? All right? I'm
going to bang out chapter seven and then we're going
to wrap up. I try to peek at the chat
every once in a while to see what you guys
are talking about. And Nate said, I've had a lot
of people doubt me like that. Pretty Petty's side proved

(01:12:12):
them wrong and then cut them out. Joining the community
definitely is the best. Ghosty said, it's worth the money
to pay. I love the community. Nate then said, best
money I've spent to better our lives here. Gothic Momo said,
I just imagine it's free because the money is nothing

(01:12:33):
for the growth that we gain from being a part
of it. I gave up cigarettes to pay for Patreon.
Holy shit, guys, Hey babe, can you come here for
a minute. Sorry, guys, we share our wins, So y'all
are just gonna have to wait for a few seconds
before I get into the next chapter. M M, chapter

(01:13:03):
six of my book. You're gonna have to come over here.
We had talked about the community and discord and like
what we need, and like why we created the men's
and women's groups, and like the whole aspect of failed
other men's groups that I've been in, and shit, and
those are the comments that just popped up. Hang on,
let me go back. Stop that. Oh wow from here

(01:13:41):
and then wild My husband got me Patreon, but I
gave up sodas. Wow, it's cheaper than most therapies that
don't always help. Nate. You would be surprised how many
fucking times a day that we hear that. It is daily.
I've been in therapy for ten years, and your podcast
has done more for me in six than ten years
of therapy. Tailoring Life said, this book saved my life.

(01:14:08):
I implemented the sixty day challenge and it has tremendously
helped me for the better. Uh since Zizzley said, this
community really has allowed me to let my guard down
in regards to my relationship and friendships. That. Yeah, I
just wanted to share it with you so you can
see it because it's awesome. Thank you for sharing that
with me. I might have to order more paper from

(01:14:30):
my women's retreat. I'm gonna read one more chapter and
we can figure all that out. It's a lot of paper. Yeah,
the printer out there is plugged in. Okay, I just
sat down. Yeah, that's all right. We're still in the
positive on the women's treat so yeah, unless you've spent well,
we'll talk about that afterwards. We might not be, but

(01:14:52):
I'm sure we are. I'm confident in that we are.
I am. Yeah, we're way golden more golden. Yeah. Yeah,
get what you need, Get what you need. Nate said,
I would have been paying more for therapy and this
has helped me more. Nate, you got to get into

(01:15:13):
the men's group. Dude. It is a very small group.
It's not therapy and like what you think it is,
but there are real life I need you guys right
now in the WhatsApp chap that we have and like
so I'm gonna side rail just a little bit, guys.
Peaches and I do things very different. My wife is
very thorough. She's very Let me hold your hand, let

(01:15:35):
me love you, let me hug you, let me provide
all that that you know, tell you that you're okay,
hold your hair back while you're throwing up, Like that's
who she is, and you see it in her women's groups.
She's so fucking thorough. Men don't need that type of attention.
We need direction. You wind us up, point us in

(01:15:56):
the direction that you want us to go, and let
us go. And having that, I truly believe that the
most effective way for my men's group to run is
we have our monthly thing where we do like a
live call normally once a month, where we address the
things that we need, make sure that there's no questions,
and then we problem solve for whatever's going on in
people's lives. We do a check up at the end
of the month to see where people are at if

(01:16:17):
they need to talk. Most of the time they don't.
They figured their shit out, they've got their direction, they're good.
And then we have a WhatsApp chat for things that
are happening in real life when it happens and there's
only ten or eleven people in there, so if you
guys need something, it's there. All you got to do
is get into the We have two chats. We have
a bullshit chat where we just get in there and
talk and bullshit. Excuse me, but we also have a

(01:16:40):
help and guidance chat. All of the men in there
are there for long term, like they've all been there
for a long time. Like we've had people come in
and fall off because they don't they're not active. But
there are people in there like Steven who has opened
multiple businesses and then thriving in his life because he's
a part of it. We do lot in that group

(01:17:01):
for you guys, and again it's not the same as
the women's groups, So don't go in and think that
I'm gonna fucking carry you through everything. We had a
couple of people come in and expect that type of
treatment that Peaches gives her women, and that's not what
we do. But we will help you, So all right.
I don't know if this is the one that ends
with the eulogy it is. Fuck yeah, this is where

(01:17:22):
I wanted to end, So good on me for doing.
Chapter seven. Core values and non negotiables. Your core values
are the foundational beliefs and guiding principles that define who
you are, what you stand for, and how you show
up in the world. They are the deeply rooted ideas
that influence your decisions, shape your realities, i'm sorry, shape

(01:17:44):
your relationships, and prioritize your actions actions. Think of them
as the moral and ethical compass you use to navigate life.
Core values are the guidelines by which you live, and
they should be clearly defined. You should be able to identify,
identify five to ten keep innciples that reflect the person
you are and aspire to be personally. I have seven

(01:18:04):
core values that guide me. Integrity, accountability, commitment, moderation, resilience, compassion,
and duty in that order. These are non negotiable for me,
and they influence every decision that I make. Do you
know yours? I don't know if I put this in
the book. I can't remember if I did. But I
chose seven because I believe in numerology. I believe in

(01:18:27):
the power of numbers, because math doesn't lie. Math is math,
and seven is the number of God. It's the number
of creation. It is a good godly number. So like
that was my reason for choosing seven core values. They
represent the very essence of your character and serve as
the foundation for living a life of purpose, a living

(01:18:47):
with intent. Let's look at how those values influence various
aspects of who you are. Core values are a reflection
of your personal identity. They define what matters most to
you as an individual and shape how you define yourself.
I'm sorry, how you view yourself and how you fit
into the world around you. For example, if honesty is
one of your core values, you will naturally prioritize truthfulness

(01:19:08):
and your actions and relationships. You will respect people who
are honest with you, even if it hurts your feelings.
You will also find yourself having hard, truthful conversations even
if it hurts the ones that you love. This is
where the skill in communication can come in. You can
be honest without being nasty. That is a choice, and
it takes effort. They also serve a decision making framework.

(01:19:32):
When faced with difficult choices, your core values act as
a filter, helping you to determine what's right or wrong,
what you'll stand for, and what you won't tolerate. This
clarity can make decision making less stressful because you already
know what aligns with your true self. This will also
also speak to it I don't like how this makes
me feel. Your core values and non negotiables will absolutely

(01:19:55):
dictate your situation awareness with people, not just in conversations,
but in seeing their act. Don't ignore this. Living by
your core values builds consistency in your actions and words,
even when inconvenient. It creates trust and strengthens your reputation.
People will know, people will know what to expect from
you because you remain steadfast in your principles. This will

(01:20:17):
push and pull people in and out of your life.
Your core values are also tied to your motivation and drive.
They give purpose to your goals and ambitions, acting as
the why behind what you do. For example, if growth
is one of your core values, you need to you're
likely to seek opportunities for self improvement and learning. Lastly,

(01:20:38):
core values influence your decision I'm sorry. Lastly, core values
influences your connections and boundaries. They help you align with
like minded individuals who share your similar beliefs while setting
clear boundaries. If you're signaling, if you are signaling what
behaviors or attitudes you want accept in your leadership, I
can't understand why I keep the fucking that lineup. Are

(01:21:00):
signaling what behaviors or attitudes you won't accept in your relationships.
This fosters healthier interactions and ensures that your relationships are
rooted in mutual respect. Examples of core values Core values
will vary from person to person, but here are some
common examples to consider integrity, being honest will while adhering

(01:21:21):
to strong moral principles. These are all of mine. No,
that's not I'm wrong. Respect, treating others with dignity and
valuing their perspectives. Accountability, owning your actions and their consequences. Courage,
facing challenges and fears with resilience, Compassion, extending kindness and
empathy to others. Growth, community, community, committing, committing to self

(01:21:44):
improvement and lifelong learning. Family, prioritizing meaningful relationships with loved ones,
and freedom. Valuing independence and the ability to choose your
own your own path. Knowing your core values and living
in alignment with them brings clarity, fulfillment, and confidence. On
the other hand, when your actions conflict with your values,
it often creates stress, dissatisfaction, any sense of being lost.

(01:22:07):
If you haven't figured out your core values, reflect on
the moments in your life when you felt deeply proud, fulfilled,
or upset. These experiences often highlight what truly matters to you.
Once identified, your values become your guide, enabling you to
live unapologetically with intent. Non Negotiables the unwavering pillars of
your character. Non Negotiables are core principles are the core

(01:22:31):
principles and beliefs that you absolutely will not compromise on.
They are the foundation of who you are, the behavior's
values and standards that define your character and shape how
others see and respect you. These aren't ideals. They are
the commitments that you hold you no matter what, because
they are essential to living the life that you believe
is good. Thinking of non negotiables as the lines you
draw on the sand, the boundaries that define what you stand,

(01:22:53):
what you stand for, and what you won't accept. They
represent what's truly important to you. For example, maybe you're
in integrity is non negotiable, meaning no matter the situation,
you'll always choose to be honest and stick to your principles.
Living by your non negotiable shows consistency and your actions
and reinforces who you are at your core, even when
it's tough to identify your non negotiable. Start by reflecting

(01:23:15):
on what truly matters to you, considering the following questions,
what are the principles I want to guide my life?
What am I unwilling to compromise on no matter what
the situation? How do others? How do I want others
to perceive me? What kind of legacy do I want
to leave behind. Once you have clarity on these questions,
write them down, revisit them often, and make sure that

(01:23:38):
your actions align with them. Understanding your core values and
non negotiable gives you direction and purpose. Without them, it's
easy to drift through life bending to the will of
others and lacking a firm foundation. Knowing what you stand
for helps you resist external pressures and stay true to
yourself real quick. I also would like to point on
the fact that these are going to change throughout your life.

(01:24:00):
Your core values and your non negotiables are going to
shift as you age, as you experience life, as you mature,
as your social circle changes. All of that shit is
going to have a whole lot of change. Right. So,
core values and non negotiables are not just concepts. They

(01:24:20):
are the building blocks of your character. They influence your decisions, relationships,
and success. When you lack clarity about these principles, you
risk being aimless, inconsistent, and easily swayed by others. But
when you know your values and stick to your non negotiables,
you build confidence, fostering meaningful relationships, and create a life
of purpose. Taking the time to define your core values
and non negotiables is a crucial step and becoming the

(01:24:42):
person who aspire to be. It's not just about knowing
what you stand for, it's about living it every day.
By aligning your actions with these principles, you create a
solid foundation for growth, success and fulfillment. I have to
look to see how much of this is left because
we're going to get into the eulogy talk, and I
would like to really I want to make sure that
that's not just skimmed over. Okay, that's where it ends.

(01:25:07):
The man you want to be starts with the values
you live by today. Make them count. Now that I've
laid all that out, I feel like I just gave
a clumsy school lesson. I tried my best to piece
it all together. I want you to give I want
to give you another challenge, a different kind of challenge,
one that's a little unconventional and yes, a bit uncomfortable.
This is something that I had every man in my
men's group do when we started the men's group, and

(01:25:27):
at least once a year I ask people if they
did it, just in case there are people in the
men's group who have not actually done this yet. And
now that I'm actually reading this. I'm going to have
to go back and do it again with core values
and non negotiables because I think there are new men
in the group that have not figured it out. I
challenge all of you men and women to do this,
and don't fucking skimp on this challenge, because I promise you,

(01:25:49):
when you actually sit down and do this, it will
change your life. Write your own eulogy. I know it
sounds morbid. Thinking about your own death isn't exactly a
fun exer size, but here's the truth. None of us
are getting out of this alive. So what do you
want people to say about you when your time comes?
Picture your loved ones standing there delivering a tearful goodbye,

(01:26:11):
reflecting on your life. What do you want them to
say about the person that you were, the impact you had,
and the legacy that you left behind. Now take it
a step further, imagine you died tomorrow. What would actually
be said about you based on the life that you've
lived up to this point. Be honest, not what you
wish people would say, but what you believe that they

(01:26:33):
would say. Would you be proud of the picture they'd paint,
or would it feel something like something's missing, like there
are pieces of your story that haven't been written yet.
Once you've done that, write a second version. This time.
Imagine it's ten years from now, who do you want
to be by then? What do you hope people would
say about you after another decade of living with intent

(01:26:54):
and striving to grow? Then go further and write a
third version thirty years from now. By then, who will
you have become? What kind of impact did you have
on those that you loved in life? For most of us,
this first eulogy isn't going to feel great. It's going
I'm sorry. It's uncomfortable because it forces us to confront
the reality of where we are, not where we want

(01:27:15):
to be. Maybe it's filled with regrets, unfinished goals, or
I wish I had and what ifs. That's okay if
it stings a little. That's the point. It's meant to
shine a light on the gap between the life you're
living and the life you want to live. But here's
where the power of this exercise comes in. When you
write those future eulogies, the ones for ten and thirty

(01:27:35):
years down the road, you're not just imagining a future
version of yourself. You are creating a version of the
person that you want to become. Defining you are defining
the values, actions, and priorities that will shape the legacy
that you leave behind. And in doing so, you're gaining
clarity about the life that you want to start building now.

(01:27:57):
If you're already living the life that you're proud of
and can write a eulogy today that reflects that reflects that,
then you're a better person than I am. Because I'm
not there yet. I still have work to do. There
are pieces of my story I haven't written, things I
need to change and goals that I need to reach.
I'm still very flawed and I am still a varied,
flawed and broken man. I know. You know what, though,

(01:28:20):
That's okay acknowledging that as part of the process. This
exercise isn't about confronting mortality. It's about discovering what really
matters to you. It's about identifying your core values and
defining the kind of life that you want to live.
It's a challenge to step into the person that you
know you're capable of being, starting right now. So take
the time to do this and be honest with yourself.

(01:28:40):
It might be one of the most important things that
you ever write. So now that you've identified the man
or woman that you want to become, the next step
is figuring out how to implement those values into your
daily life. This is where the real work begins. You're
likely carrying a lot of bad habits, learn behaviors, and
emotional triggers that need to be unlearned. These patterns often
operate on an autopilot. They are subconscious reactions that you've

(01:29:02):
repeated so many times that they feel ingrained. Changing them
requires intentionality, accountability, and persistence. By nature, I am a
defensive person. I don't handle disrespectful situations well, and what
I perceived as disrespect has often been met with emotional reactions.
Let me be honest, those reactions have never led to
positive outcomes, not once. What they have done. What they

(01:29:26):
have done is start unnecessary fights, hurt people I care about,
and even ruined relationships over time. This is one of
the areas that I've had to work on most in
my life. When I feel disrespected, I've learned that I
have a choice. I can respond or I can react.
Responding means thinking, pausing, thinking, and addressing the situation calmly
with intent. Reacting, on the other hand, is emotional and impulsive,

(01:29:50):
and it usually just makes things worse. I don't always
get it right. There are still moments when I slip
up and react instead of respond. The key is what
happens next. As soon as as I realize what I've done,
I make it a point to stop, take accountability for
my behavior, apologize, and reframe the conversation. This might sound straightforward,
but let me tell you it's not easy. Owning up

(01:30:11):
to your actions and the heat of the moment, especially
when you feel like you've been wronged, takes an incredible
amount of emotional control and humility. Let's not forget the
other side of the equation. There's another person involved, someone
you believe is being disrespectful or worse, acting with malicious
excuse me, acting with malicious intent. That makes it even
harder to stay composed and accountable. It's much easier to

(01:30:35):
justify your emotional reaction when you feel attacked. Just because
it's easier doesn't mean that it's right. Responding with intention
rather than reacting with emotion as a skill that requires practice, patience,
and self awareness. If you want to implement your core
values into your daily life, You'll need to start catching
yourself in these moments. Notice your triggers, pay attention to
the habits and behaviors that don't align with the man

(01:30:57):
that you want to be, and when you will take accountability,
course correct and keep moving forward. Growth isn't about never
making mistakes. It's about learning from them and choosing better
the next time. This process isn't fast or easy. It's uncomfortable,
it's humbling, and it requires you to confront the parts

(01:31:17):
of yourself that you might not want to face. If
you're serious about becoming the man or woman you aspire
to be. This is where the work happens in the
day to day decisions, the small meaningful, the small but
meaningful changes, and that commitment to live in alignment with
your values even when it's hard. When I sat down
to write my first eulogy, reflecting on where I was
in life at the time, I was a brutally honest

(01:31:40):
wake up call. I realized that the things that I
wanted people to say about me when I was gone,
the way I wanted to be remembered, simply couldn't be said.
Maybe a handful of people might have believed those things,
but was that enough? If it wasn't true across the board?
Could I really call it legacy? Could I really call

(01:32:01):
it the legacy I wanted? That exercise forced me to
confront the gap between the male I was and the
man I wanted to be, and it sparked a profound
change in both my character and how I chose to
live my life. I stopped dwelling on the past. I
stopped blaming others for my shortcomings. I started taking real
accountability for my actions and my choices. I came to

(01:32:22):
understand that when my life comes to an end, no
one will sit around talking about the things that others
did to me. That's not the story people will tell
my kids, my grandkids. They won't remember who wronged me. Furthermore,
why would I want to be remembered for what others
did to me? To be remembered as a victim, To
be seen as a man so lacking in control over

(01:32:42):
his own life that the actions or perceived thoughts of
others dictated my emotions and reactions. That's not the legacy
that I want to leave behind. Bruh. Why would I
want to be remembered for what others did to me?
To be remembered as a victim, to be seen as
a man so lacking in control over his own life

(01:33:03):
that the actions or perceived slights of others dictated my
emotions and reactions. That's not legacy. To be remembered that
way would mean giving away my power, letting others behavior
define not just my days, but my life as a whole.
It would mean allowing myself to be controlled by people

(01:33:24):
who likely didn't care about the impact that they had
on me, or worse, who intentionally sought to undermine me.
Why would I choose to let those moments define me
when I have the ability to, when I have the
power to choose differently. Instead, I want to be remembered
for those excuse me. Instead, I want to be remembered
for how I rose above those situations, for how I

(01:33:47):
maintain composure, integrity, and strength even in the face of adversity. Adversity,
I want people to speak of me as someone who
had control over his own life, who responded with wisdom
instead of reaction, acting with emotion, and who didn't let
the negativity of others overshadow his character. That's the kind
of man I strive to be, not one who's defined

(01:34:08):
by what was done to him, but one who's remembered
for how he lived despite it. They'll remember how I
carried myself, the decisions I've made, the way that I
treated others. They'll either speak about me with love and
respect or they won't, and that's entirely on me and
the choices that I make moving forward. This realization was
a game changer. It made taking accountability in the moment,

(01:34:29):
even during conflict, much easier to accept. It shifted my
perspective on what it means to tolerate disrespect or let
something go unchecked. I began to see those moments differently,
not as losses or signs of weakness, but his opportunities
to control my narrative. Lost my spot because my watch
went off. I began to see those moments differently, not

(01:34:52):
as losses or signs asks of weakness, but as opportunities
to control my narrative, to shape how I will be remembered.
It also forced me to take a long, hard look
at my ego and recognize how often it got in
the way of the bigger picture. My story isn't defined
by single moments of conflict or perceived disrespect. It's told
as a whole, A collection of choices, actions, and relationships

(01:35:15):
that together form my legacy. Unless there's an extreme, defining
moment that becomes my legacy, and let's hope it's a
good one. People will remember me for the life that
I lived, not just the small slices or moments of
anger that I let consume me. I just made a
really long note here that I'll put it at the
end of this chapter. I don't know why I put
that there. I could have just put it at the

(01:35:36):
end of the chapter. Maybe because it's relative to that
paragraph I don't remember. That realization freed me from the
weight of needing to win every moment or prove my worth.
Needing to win every moment or prove my worth. That
realization freed me from the weight of needing to win
every moment or prove my worth in ways that don't

(01:35:56):
matter in the long run. Struggle with that one need
to use commas, buddy. It allowed me to force It
allowed me to focus on the bigger picture, on living
a life that reflects the values of principle and principles
that I want to leave behind. It's not always easy,
but keeping keeping the end in mind makes the hard
choices in the moment feel a lot more meaningful. Every choice,

(01:36:18):
every interaction, every decision is a chance to add to
the story I'll leave behind, and I want to make
it one w're telling. Writing my own eulogy was a
turning point in my life. I included it in this
chapter because it was a It was through that exercise
that I was able to establish my core values. It
started as a challenge from someone else. Funny enough, I

(01:36:38):
can't even remember who presented the idea to me. What
I do remember is the profound effect that it had
on me. It forced me to confront who I was,
who I wanted to be, and the gap in between.
You never know where these golden nuggets of wisdom will
come from, but they are out there, often hidden in
plain sight. Whether it's a conversation, a book, a random thought,
or even a challenge like this. The lessons that can

(01:36:59):
change your life are always around you. The key is
to pay attention. Life is full of moments that can
spark growth, but you have to be willing to see
them and more importantly, act on them. Do not be
afraid of change or to change. Do not be afraid
of change or to change. Like I said earlier, don't
miss the opportunities when they present themselves. Sometimes it's the small,
seemingly insignificant things, a piece of advice, an uncomfortable question,

(01:37:21):
or a fleeting moment of clarity that may have the
potential to make the biggest difference. Writing that eulogy was
one of the moments, one of those moments for me.
It gave me the clarity I needed to define my
values and start making changes, and it reminded me of
the power of paying attention to the lessons that life
is trying to teach us every day. This is the
note I was going to insert above. As I write this,

(01:37:45):
I can't help but to pause and reflect, to reflect
on my marriage, the fact I have a successful, happy,
and fulfilling relationship with every Did I say that I
was going to leave my eulogy in here? I don't
think I put. I did not put my eulogy in
this book. This is the note I was going to
answer above. As I write this, I can't help but
pause to reflect on my marriage. The fact that I

(01:38:07):
have a successful, happy, and fulfilling relationship with my wife
is a direct result of the work I started doing.
Because of everything that I've shared here. That journey paved
the path necessary for us to build what we have today.
If I had met Peaches at any other time in
my life before I had committed to the changes I
needed to make, there is no way I would have
been the man I needed to be to make it

(01:38:29):
work with her. She has said the same about her
own growth journey. It is a testament to the power
of personal transformation and the willingness to do the hard
work to become the person you need to be. It
also speaks to the power of having the right person
in your life, but that's a conversation for another time.
I'd also be remiss. I'd also be remiss to not
acknowledge the part of my legacy will undoubtedly be the

(01:38:50):
to be better podcast in the work that Peaches and
I have done together. Writing my eulogy and gaining the
insights I did at the time set the stage for
what has become my life's work. It was the wake
up call I needed to start taking accountability, to focus
on growth, and to align my actions with my values.
Those steps didn't just change my life, they laid the
foundation for the lives that we've been able to touch

(01:39:10):
and the people we've mentored in the marriages that we've saved.
That is our legacy. It's not just about the conversations
we've had on a podcast or the content that we've shared.
It's about the impact that we have made, real tangible
ways that we have helped people navigate their own journeys,
heal their relationships, and create better lives for themselves. None
of this would have been possible if I hadn't faced
my shortcomings and made the decision to change. The work

(01:39:34):
we've done together is something I will always be proud of.
It is a reminder that the legacy that you leave
is built by the choices that you make every single day.
Your story is still being written. Don't squander this life.
And that's where I'm going to end this episode. Dog,
You're the shit on this page chapter eight. I don't
even how many chapters. I think there's only ten in

(01:39:55):
this book. So I'll end up finishing this book tomorrow
and I sit down to read it again. Check the
comments for a minute. See what's going on in the comments.
I am grateful that the challenge was mentioned in using
this book as well. I'm actually good. I think I'm
gonna give my the PDF to these books to my
men's group as well, so that the guys that are
in the men's group can can reference chapter seven when
writing their non negotiables and their core values. Maybe that'll

(01:40:18):
help a little bit. I remember reading this and having
to take a bit to go through all the bullshit
I spun in my head what would be said about
me and what I wanted I have and what I
wanted to have massive deficits on the eulogy. Real quick
tailor in life said, I did my eulogies and my
life is completely different now. I am finally in control

(01:40:38):
of my life. Thank you, Chris. Also extremely helpful to
be aware of my core values and having them in
my pocket. I love that. On the eulogy thing, the
hard thing about writing your eulogy is that your ego
is going to get involved and it's going to try
to trick you into writing what you think people will say,
and you will flavor it with all the little spring

(01:41:00):
of I'm this and I'm that, and it's bullshit. It's
all bullshit. Think about the people that you have done dirty,
Think about the people that you have heard, Think about
all of the lives that you have touched. How many
of them were touched in a negative manner versus a
positive one. And when you weigh that and you think
about what's really going to be said at your funeral,

(01:41:23):
the people who hate you aren't going to show up
at your funeral. They're going to be grateful that you're
not here anymore. And that's a fucked up thing to
think about, but that's the reality of the life that
we live in. I know for a fact that if
I was to die tomorrow, there are a lot of
people who had happy dance over the fact that I'm
not here anymore, because those people knew a version of
me that doesn't exist. They knew a time that I

(01:41:43):
lived in my life where I was doing a lot
of really foul shit. And when I weigh what those
people would say about me at that point in my
life versus the people in my life when I wrote
my dulogy, that group over here was so much bigger
than the group over here. Now, I can honestly say,
because of what we've done with the podcast, the group
of positivity far outweighs the negative. There will still be

(01:42:07):
some negativity, and there will still be people dancing a
jig at my death. Fuck them. I know that I'm
not where I want to be yet. I know that
I have a whole lot of work to go. I
know that our legacy is going to be real and
it's going to be tangible, and right now, if I
was to die, this is just going to be a
podcast legacy. Where I think we're going in the next

(01:42:27):
ten fift to fifteen years, it's going to be so
much more, so much more than that. We started doing
these couples retreats. And when I tell you the fucking
growth that we saw at the couples retreat and in
North Carolina that just passed, I know with certainty, zero

(01:42:48):
doubt and my heart and soul that the lives that
were their Sunday and night are fundamentally changed and will
never go back to the way that they were. They
may have relapses that are slips and moments of time,
I'm but I think what they went through is going
to change them for the rest of their lives. Now,

(01:43:10):
as we start integrating things like I can't call it
hy holotropic breath work legally because that's trademarked, but as
we start connective conscious breathing exercises into these seminars and
people have DMT released naturally in their brain because your
brain has DMT in it and certain breath exercises can

(01:43:33):
release them. We will get a different outcome of these
retreats as plant medicine evolves and we are no longer
regulated as heavily as we are, or if Peaches and
I can go to Colorado and hold seminars where people
go into the medicine, where we guide them, I believe
that those lives will be fundamentally changed. I believe that

(01:43:56):
we have so much going on. I believe that we
will eventually end up with and where we can hold
our own retreats and they'll have tiny homes on them.
And I had an epiphany the other day that with
Troy and all the land and tiny homes that he has,
there is a very real possibility in the beginning of
all of this, before we have our land, that we
might be able to rent his space, which will help

(01:44:17):
what he's doing. It will allow me to connect with
Troy on a deeper level, because I fucking love him
and his wife. They're phenomenal people, and I think that
that might be the steps that get us there before
we get to our own land. I really think that
life is changing for us. Guys, we're in a weird
limbo right now, and we are really on a level
of like, man, what's next, Like, God, what do you

(01:44:40):
got for us next? Like you've done so much, You've
given so much, what's next? What are we doing? Like
you've wound us up and pointed us in so many directions,
Like I don't know where to go next, but we're
taking the steps where we can, and we're trying to
do the thing, and like it's it's fucking happening. Guys,
We're doing the thing. So I will look at what

(01:45:06):
I can find online after this live. It feels important.
I don't know what that statement was to Sarah said
I would love to go to retreat, but my husband
would never That's okay, you can go without him. I
don't know what kind of retreat you were speaking of,
because I just talked so much in the chats behind.
But you know, maybe maybe you don't need that. I
will say, on speaking on plant medicines, there's there's a

(01:45:31):
lot of risk to one person going into the medicine
and a marriage and the other not because the growth
that happens on the other side of it is it
is very life changing and who you become after that experience.
The people in your life may not be able to
keep up, they might not be able to understand. There's
a lot that goes into that. So I'm done, guys.

(01:45:54):
This was a two hour episode. I'm going to come
back tomorrow at some point in the morning. Well, I'll
probably be in the evening after the kids go to
bed tomorrow night because we get the kids this week,
So maybe I'll come back later today and knock out
the other half of the book. I don't know. As
of right now, I'm tired of sitting here talking. So
thank you for tuning in. Thank you for everybody in
the Patreon community that's been here. If you guys found

(01:46:16):
anything in this book of value, leave a comment on
the YouTube channel when I post this publicly. If you
guys are listening to this publicly, please please please go
back and comment, subscribe to the channel, and if you
want to access to the men and Women's group that
we do, it's through our Patreon community. With that being said, guys,
we love you and we'll see you guys on the
next one.

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