Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Look up. We've count all the things. We beat it
on the bottom. All our wold is you. You're my
favorite view. But that's not.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Welcome back family, Welcome back you, beautiful Creatures.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Episode twenty nine of season three of the Tow Be
Better Podcast. This puts us well past the halfway mark
of the year. That's insane, right, especially because today is
April twenty first. Yeah, we're more than two months ahead
at this point, and we've even slowed down recording a
little bit, like we've taken a little bit more time off.
So I want to get a couple a little bit
of house cleaning out of the way real quick, just
to do it so that we don't have to worry
about touching all that later. Greece has been announced. Yes,
(00:49):
by the time you guys hear this, the early bird
spots have been sold already. The trip has been announced.
It's been confirmed. It is one hundred percent happening now
because the people who've already signed up and going. If
you guys would like to go to Greece with us
in May of twenty twenty six. There's a link in
the description of this video. If you're watching on if
you're listening on Spotify. Just go to our website to
be beetter dot com if you would like to do
a couple's retreat or go international with us. Greece is
(01:11):
going to be a six day excursion and make a nose.
It's a whole whole deal. I would try to sell
you guys on it right now and like push the
whole thing, but you know, we did two episodes of
that already and I don't want to keep baitting a
dead horse. Just know that you have the ability to
go to Grease to hang out Peaches and I and
a whole bunch of the two be Better tribe for
six full days. There are six meals included for breakfast
to dinners. There's all kinds of cool shit happening, like
boat rides.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
And excursions, get history.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Beach days, bread, bread, cruss off glass, a whole lot
of cool shit happening.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
So breakfast cake don't even know what that is. I'm
excited to try it.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
What if it's just a pancake and they just call
it a breakfast cake.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
I'm eating it in Greece, so it doesn't matter to
me at that point.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
It's funny.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I'm also learning Greek.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Are you I am. I saw you trying it. You're like,
this is stupid. This doesn't say we.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
So there there are letters that don't make the letter
sound yeah, like V makes an end sound in Greek.
I know how to say carrot. I know how to
say the carrot.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Yeah, let's hear it.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Oh God, don't look at me, everybody the carrot.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
I don't know if that's right. We'll see if I
get that.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I'm excited. I can't wait.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
It's funny.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
I will at least be able to read the language.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
I'm having a hard enough time doing my French.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I also have an announcement that I would like to
make about the book. My new book is going to
be called we just had this discussion and I already
forgot it. You were not broken. I can't want to
say I'm not broken. You are not broken will be
the name of the new book, and the release date
will be August fifteenth of this year, which is a Friday,
and between now and the fifteenth of August or the
episode that will release on the fifteenth of August, I'm
gonna plug my book every single time that we go live,
(02:48):
because the book is about reinventing yourself. Whether it's from breakup,
divorce or and unhappy marriage. This is about reclaiming your
life and figuring out what you need to do to
make yourself happy. So Level one or early access message,
I've been watching your watching you longer than this, but
I've been loving every moment of it. I adore you
both so much. Thank you for all you do.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
No, thank you.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Thanks a lot for the membership. It means a lot.
What were you going to say, hotness, I.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Don't remember what I was going to say, but I
have something else to say. I think I'm going to
release my book in December. Okay, December. First, you're putting it,
putting it out there. Now, you've got to finish it
by by then. Rough dead end puts pressure on me.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Deadline deadline, yeah, Jenny said for twenty four month level
early access message, high family being a big miss you guys,
hope your weekend was wonderful and that you found the
runaway egg. We did not.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
That egg is still missing. I have no idea where
I hit it, you know I. So first things first,
if there are any little children in the room, send
them away right because we are getting ready to discuss
the easter Bunny and Santa Claus, but in a way
that might devastate them. So little ears, this was your warning, parents.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
This is it five or three to one.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
We told the children that Santa Claus wasn't real. Easter
Bunny is not real. Tooth Fairy has been me panicking
in the morning sometimes because I forgot to do it
at night. Remember that time I hurried up you and
you had to go brush your hair. Yeah, I ran
into your room to put it up. Yeah, that was mommy.
And they took it pretty well. At first they were like,
you liars, why have you done this? But they appreciate
(04:18):
that we told them the truth, and they are excited
that we are the ones who are putting in the
effort and making them feel loved and special and all
those kinds of things. So this was their first Easter
knowing that we made the baskets. I hid the eggs
and they each got twelve eggs with one golden egg,
so there were twenty four in total. And I thought
I would be able to remember where I put all
(04:39):
of them. I was putting them down and I was like,
all right, I'll remember behind the air fryer on top
of the seven up can lid like I'm gonna be good,
and then after about four of them in the morning,
I was like, oh my gosh, should should have taken
pictures the I put a green egg. So we have
a twelve pack of seven ups sitting up sitting next
to her pantry, and I put the green egg on
(05:01):
top of the seven up twelve pack and I couldn't
find it. It blended in so well. Yeah, I totally
forgot about the one behind the air fire. I placed
one on top of the set aside paper tower rolls.
Forgot about that guy. I put some in shoes that
I didn't remember. We're missing an egg, no clue where
it's at. I'm sure it'll pop up in about six months.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
You're going to have a real memorable Christmas or Easter
that from that, because we were all looking for sure,
you know what I mean. It wasn't just them going,
you know, us going, I don't know, I find it
like we were able to be like you already looked
in the area that it was and like what about this,
and you know, we were very involved in that aspect,
versus sitting there reading the newspaper right while they're out
doing their thing. I would also like to point out
that this is now our ready player one. What do
(05:45):
you mean, first the price, first of the egg. Oh yeah,
you're right.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Oh now it's a real competition, right real quick. I
want to say thank you to Dimitra. Dimitra, she's proud
of me for learning Greek. She said it makes her
Greek heart happy. Oh yeah, and that feels good.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Did she confirm your carrot?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
She didn't say. I was wrong roll the R. I
have been rolling the R and words that don't have
an R.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
It's funny, all right. So we said that we're going
to start these episodes with thank you emails, but I
have something from discord that I have the permission to read. First.
She said, you did great, peaches.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
This was a conversation that was in the ballpit. And
for those of you who are not part of our discord,
all right, guys, As you know, there was a TikTok scare.
We lost the app for a whole twelve hours and
we have no idea what the future of the app
looks like. And with that, we are very concerned about
the loss of our following. We have a massed almost
three million followers across that platform with all four of
our accounts, and we are trying to push people to
(06:42):
other social media platforms to that in the event that
anything happens on one app, we have multiple other backup plans.
If you want to make sure that you're not missing
any content, we highly recommend that you check out our Patreon.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
On Patreon, we have multiple tiers to choose from. Starting
at ten dollars, you begin to receive exclusive content. At
fifteen month, you get access to our private discord server,
where we've enmassed in an absolutely amazing community of supportive people.
And beyond that we have other tiers to check out,
along with my two private women's group. If that's something
you may be interested in.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Guys, on our fifteen dollars and higher tier, you have
access to live recordings. We record all of our content three, four,
sometimes five times a week live in front of our
Patreon audience, where they are able to chat with us
while we are recording. They can see all the flirting
and the outtakes, the hot topic conversations that never actually
make it on the podcast, and it's really worth that
aspect in itself. We have it after Dark, where we
(07:35):
sit down usually once a week and have a glass
of bourbon or and Pach's case of glass of wine
and a bowl of cheese, and we have a whole
lot of fun conversations karaoke in the discord, we finish
the lyrics. We literally just hang out and you guys
get to hang out with us. There is a host
of other perks, including zoom calls that are coming for
the Ultimate Tier, so that if you guys are having problems,
you can talk to us. It also gives you with
(07:57):
the heads up on private meet and greets because when
we travel, we try to meet up with people on
our discord on a regular basis. There's a whole slew
of other perks that come through Patreon. I highly recommend
that you check it out.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
The best way to support what we are doing is
to share the content. The second best way is to
check out our Patreon. Thank you guys for being here.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
In our discord. We have a chat room called the Ballpit.
That's where everybody goes and that's just our fun, fun room.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Yeah. On one drunken night, I called it the ball Chat,
and now some of us refer to it as the
ball Chat.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Right. Well, people I have actually started calling each other
ballers and like that's funny. Yeah, ball chatters and all
kinds of names. Anyways, this person said, how can you
tell if life is trying to show you that you
need to make a decision or if you're self sabotaging things.
I feel like everything, every single thing in my life
is in limbo and I can't can't tell if life
is literally screaming in my face to make a change
(08:46):
or if I'm just so on my head that I'm
messing things up. The follow up then said, in full transparency,
I've been trying to regain trust in my relationship for
three years now, and I'm tired. I confided in another
mail about things in my relationship, not knowing at the
time that that was considered cheating. I've learned a lot
about myself because of that mistake. The issue for me, though,
is that I understand having to rebuild and losing things
(09:07):
from the partner because it's such an affection.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Do you want me to read this?
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Yeah, because my phone won't stop. Please.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
The issue for me is that I understand having to
rebuild and losing things from my partner because of it,
such as affection and things like that. But I'm wondering
if there is a line where that becomes wrong. It
has been three years. I'm on the verge of losing
my house. My job made a massive schedule change that
no longer works for me, so I'm on borrowed time
with them. I'm not sure if I'm just two in
(09:33):
my feelings about what I'm lacking in my relationship or
if it's time to walk away because I can't keep
going with an empty cut while being expected to fill
theirs all the time. But I feel wrong for feeling
this way because I was the one who messed up.
Part of me does I want to live like this?
Part of me feels like this comes with cleaning up
the mess I made. I struggle with feeling controlled. But
in his eyes, it's not controlling, it's to make me better.
(09:54):
But I can't see that in some things, or at
least don't feel it.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
So then I asked if this could be read in
a live today, and they said I can could, And
then they said this.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
We have had several conversations and I always walk away
feeling like my feelings don't matter. And this is the
bet I made. He does withhold love and affection from me.
He has said, I'm not giving you anything until I
get what I need. And I get that. But I
also don't think it's right for me to have to
just get over how things make me feel, but acknowledge
and change everything that bothers him. I would not be
in that relationship. I understand making a mistake if that
(10:24):
mistake has been acknowledged and actions changed. Actions have come
from that, like you are no longer going to other
males outside of your relationship and divulging things or looking
for emotional support. He needs to get the fuck over it.
I agree that sounds like low level abuse to me.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
It sounds like that's exactly what that is to me.
I don't think it's low level. I think that when
you were able to hold somebody under your thumb and
manipulate them based off of their past because you know
that they feel guilty and they're trying, and you don't
have to every single time something comes up, you now
have a weapon to just push them right back down.
And I'm gonna get to do whatever I want to
do because you don't deserve it. Yeah, if you're not
(11:00):
willing to love me through the mistakes and work on
like making our life better, I'm not. I'm not looking
to be punished. My guilt is punishment enough. I understand
that your hurt. We can deal with the hurt, But
dealing with punishment and dealing with hurt are two very
different things. The vindictive behavior I'm not a part of that.
I'm not doing that this this entire one of buff
Bell just said that psychological warfare, it's manipulation. I agree,
(11:20):
psychological warfare is a great way to put that. I'm not.
I wouldn't fucking deal with that shit. Three years is
a long time be paying for sins, especially for something
that you didn't know was wrong. The emotional cheating thing,
until we had the conversation about it on the podcast
for the first time, was not something I'd ever thought of. Yeah,
it was like, never a conversation that I think that
there were certain parts of your relationship that should be
(11:41):
kept private. Absolutely, But we live in a society that
it's so fucking normal for people to vent to their
friends and coworkers about what's going on in their household
because it's way cheaper than therapy. This is normal. It's
become very normalized. So this chick has been paying for
the sins of this for three years now, and he's
been able to manipulate and do things. I would get
the fun out of there, man. Yeah, yeah, Why would
(12:02):
you want to stay in a situation where somebody is
abusing you? Right, And like, if they're making you, if
you don't feel good about your life, you need to
reevaluate your life because the other person is not responsible
for you. You are. And if you put your happiness
in somebody else's hands, you're not going to have it
because they're responsible for their happiness.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Yeah, that the end of your thought. I would take
everything happening in life right now as a sign from
the universe that I need to move on from this relationship.
The house being in trouble, your job not working out
the way that it was for your life, You're not
taking the sign from the person you're with serious enough
to go. I need to reevaluate what's going on. So
now the universe is hitting you with harder things to
wake you up and make you realize what you are
(12:40):
doing is not working for you and it's not meant
for you.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Right, It's a good way to put it in Yep.
This conversation is going to be covered at length in
my book. But not based off of the comment. It's
it's covered probably five or six times over the course
of thirteen chapters that I've written so far. You are
self worth and making sure that you're taking care of
your happiness and your mental health matters to the drive.
The Googlely drive like eyes, but drives a Googlely drive.
(13:05):
Feel good first, because we're gonna do thank yous what
we said. I love you, guys is what this one's called. Okay,
whenever you're ready.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Babe, Hi, Chris impeaches. I hope you're both doing well.
I'm a fan from the UK, so sadly I can't
meet you in person, but I felt compelled to reach
out and let you know how much of a difference
you've made in my life.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
You can by going to Greece and may have twenty
twenty six Good to be beetter dot com. Click on couples,
Retreats and Vacations or whatever they're called. I didn't build
the website. Chris did not like an ulter ego Chris,
but actual Chris, my friend Chris. We have a lot
of Chris in our lives, we do, but he built
the website. You can go click on it. It'll take
you everywhere that you need to go to see all
the cool shit that we're doing, including the book sales
(13:42):
when the books get dropped. So just because you're in
the UK doesn't mean that you can't come. Laura's in
the UK. Laura fucking came to Thailand with us. Yeah, yeah,
we like Laurna. Chris is actually in the chat. That's
what I want you all to refer to me from
now on his alter ego Chris. You have to change
your discord name, buddy.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
That's funny. Hey, guys, a little quick interruption. If you're
enjoying the content, please leave alike, and also don't forget
to comment. We enjoy interacting with you guys and hearing
your opinions and it helps the algorithm.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
It's also free to do, and if you really want
to help make sure the show continues to do, hit
the subscribe button and share the content across your social media's.
It costs you nothing and it greatly helps the show.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Just real quick. Buff Bell said in the chat, I
was hoping you were about to do a high messy
pineapple that hair, and you did not disappoint. This is
how I like to wear my buttons. If they're back here.
When I'm driving, it pushes my head forward from my
neck and it's uncomfortable, so it gets it up out
of my way. It's not on my neck anymore.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
You know how I like to wear your buns on
each side of my face. Oh nos, oh, flustered myself.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
I'm glad that the thought of me so does that
to you. I was gonna wink at you, but I
got inxhills.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
See this is hard. Did you go in your head?
I did a little e oh, okay because I saw
the lip movie.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
I'm sure they heard it.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
But yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
When I found you page last October, I was in
such a rough place. I was stuck in a toxic
relationship with someone who clearly didn't care about me the
way I cared about him. I'm a full time student
with a demanding course load, and I also work, so
my plate was already full, Yet I kept pouring all
my energy into relationship that drained me completely. I moved
in with him when I was just nineteen he was
(15:29):
twenty two. But it wasn't because we were ready. It
was more out of necessity, and I will be eternally
grateful for him. My mother passed away in my room
when I was at work, and I truly could not
go back to being in that house.
Speaker 1 (15:41):
Rough.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
That is rough From the beginning, it felt like I
was doing all the work to keep everything together, whether
it was cleaning, cooking, or trying to create a loving home.
No matter how hard I tried, it was never enough.
I even made him a man cave with all of
his favorite snacks and drinks to give him space, but
he still treated me like I was the problem.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Wow, you know how rare it is for women to
do things like that? You ever done something like that?
Obviously not counting our marriage because we do cool shit
for each other all the time because word dope as fuck. Yeah, right,
But like, other than this, have you ever done that
something like that for anybody? Would you ever thought to
like build out a theater room so that they could
have a guy's night with their homies and shit?
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Way, No, I was a very anti man kind of woman,
right ages ago, No, you're not. You're not allowed to
have a space to yourself.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Right, I don't have a woman's cave. Why do you
get a man's cave? Right? Right? That's such a rare
thing for somebody to go and put themselves out to
like make sure that their person has a bit of happiness. Yeah,
people need to really fucking pay attention to that shit.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
The lowest point came on the anniversary of my mom's passing.
She was my best friend and I was feeling so
lost that day. I shared my feelings with him the
night before, and when he came home from work, the
first thing he said was what's for dinner? Dinner was
already cooking in the slow cooker. But is indifference brush me?
I just wanted someone to hold me in care, especially
(17:03):
when I was already burning out from juggling school, work
and the emotional weight of everything. So I want to
pause here. I shared my feelings with him the night before,
so it's been almost twenty four hours. He came home
from work and did not check on you. How are
you doing today? What are you feeling? How can I
make your life easier?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Right?
Speaker 2 (17:22):
And that is something that I expect from my person
that I'm in a relationship with, the carrying, the checking in,
all those kinds of things. I also want to say,
right outside of the circumstance, this guy sounds like a
piece of shit.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Absolutely, The way that she is painting him out for us.
Outside of the circumstance, you need to communicate the things
that you need when you're not feeling good. So if
it's coming up on the anniversary of a pet passing,
or your mother's passing, or anything in life that's really
hard for you to cope with, I think a conversation
should be had the week leading up, the month leading up,
(17:57):
depending on how impactful it was. Of I'm getting ready
to go through a really rough time. I'm gonna need
a lot of physical touch. I'm gonna need a lot
of cuddling. Can we watch our favorite movie every single night,
even if you're sick of it? Just indulge me. People
aren't mind readers, right, So, outside of this circumstance, the
email or she had the conversation with him the night before,
communicate what you need from your person. That way they
(18:19):
can show up for you the way you need them to.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
It's also important to remember that people are not emotionally
the same, right Like, if I'm having a hard time,
I don't need to be cuddled. I don't need that.
I would prefer cuddles when I'm not having a hard time,
like last night, when we're watching TV, and I laid
on you like it was because I wanted to lay
on you like I don't need that type of affection.
She clearly did. Maybe he's not that type of person,
(18:42):
and that's that's one of those things that it's okay
to just recognize that we are different people. Yeah, knowing
that it was a year after her mom passed and
that's the mom's anniversary, I'm sure he was aware of it.
But that doesn't mean that your life gets to get disrupted.
And that's a very hard thing to say, and it
sounds very harsh. I'm sure that made me sound like
an asshole, But the reality is life goes on. Death
(19:02):
is a part of all of this. So him coming
home and asking what's for dinner? He should have He
should have embraced you. He should have been able to
read the room when he walked in the door to
see that you were unhappy. But asking what what's for
dinner is normal conversation that happens every single day if
you're the one who's cooking dinner, right, Like, this is
not a fuck you to either one of them. This
this conversation is about you, guys realizing or needing to
(19:23):
realize that you were dealing with this somebody who has
their own universe inside of them that they are dealing
with and the way that you deal with things the
way that other people deal with things is not the same.
If this was our situation, I wouldn't I wouldn't ask
you if there is anything that I that you need
for me. I would be able to see that you're upset,
and I would hug you or I would just you know,
be near you in the kitchen. But we would still
(19:45):
have the normal conversations that we would always have because
that's normal life shit. But I would be trying to
do things like make you laugh or at you know,
I would ask you can I help you with anything
in here or whatever? Or also very real possibility, I
would see that you're going through it and assume that
you just need to process and need space. So now
I have a decision to make. And when you have
a fifty to fifty chance of making a decision, there's
(20:07):
a fifty percent chance you're gonna be wrong. So, like
you said, you have to give the information otherwise you
may being disappointed by your person. Danish said, I'm don't
touch me when I'm over stimulated, But I can't go
to sleep unless some form of my body is touching
my husband Peaches, and I fall asleep every night with
her head on my chest. She falls asleep every night
with the chest and normally will lay there until either
(20:29):
I fall asleep, which normally happens way after you do,
or I twitch and then you wake up in fearing
of like bodily harm because of my violent twitching at night.
And then we kiss, I love you, and you roll
over and then I'm like okay, And as soon as
you roll over, I roll over and pull the booty
towards me. And that's how I sleep. Until you're like
a giant comfortable awesomeness. Yeah, you know what I mean.
(20:53):
But that's normal. You guys shouldn't be going to bed
hating your person and going to bed with that disconnect.
Could you imagine if we had a fight and we
went to bed and at our back to each other,
the way that that would feel.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
I do know how that feels.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
It's not good. Yeah, continuing, I would like to say
before we move on that because of my back injury,
I am having to sleep with my back towards you
a lot more than ever before. But I still put
myself in a point of discomfort to fall asleep the
way that we always do, because that is an intimate
moment for us, and like, yeah, it hurts me, but
it's not like excruciating. And when it becomes excruciating, I
(21:24):
rolled the fuck over.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Yeah, and then our butts touch.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Most of the time. Or I'll throw my leg over
your side of the bed so that my knee ditch
rest over your ass. Yea on the corner and I'm
like holding you, yeah, with my leg on your booty.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
Yep, there's some type of physical touch happening.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Yeah. Absolutely, I'm such.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
A needy bitch. The other night, I woke up and
my husband was facing away from me, and I was like,
does it does it hurt for you to cuddle? Like,
what's happening right now? Why aren't you? Why aren't we
doing the normal thing? Why don't we look like a
letter k right now in the bed?
Speaker 1 (22:01):
You we had already been asleep for like three hours
at that point.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Really, it just felt like I was time traveling.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Yeah, yeah, you would woke up. I was still awake, yeah,
and you were like, why aren't we cuddling? And I'm
like we were for like two and a half hours.
I can't lay like that anymore. Yeah, that's funny. You
sure did call me the funk out on that too,
and you're you're you're like sleepy voice. That was funny.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Yeah, I had to make sure I didn't upset you.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
I should have been like, you farted on me.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Oh god, I would have like super glue my butt
cheeks together after that.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
That's funny.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
I was gonna say, he can't know that I fart,
but I rip ass in front of you. It's always
followed by I'm sorry, Yeah, they excuse my booty.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
I always go I heard that. It's funny.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Yeah, when you fart, I just say, good for you.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
I apologize because I know, like I can tell by
the way it felt coming out, how bad it's gonna smell.
All right, let's get bad debauchery. Let's get back to
the thank you much.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Okay, Okay, we're going back. We're regrouping. Dinner was already
cooking in the slow cooker, but his indifference crushed me.
I just wanted someone to hold me in care, especially
when I was already burning out from juggling school work
and the emotional weight of everything.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
This tells me that the emotional intimacy wasn't there long
before this.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Insta since I have been watching you guys and the
Good Wives podcast Peaches Does, which I love. Thank you,
I'm glad that you're enjoying it. I learned a few habits,
such as making sure he had a clean space to
come home too, as messy house equals messy head. I
also give him space and be there for him at
the same time, such as bringing him into his man
(23:56):
cave freshly baked cookies, cool drinks, and protein everything he loved.
No matter which approach I took, it never worked. Then
I started watching you two. Seeing the way you love
and support each other made me realize what I was missing.
It was like the wake up call. I finally saw
that I deserved more good for you. I love that.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
I wish people could understand who we are meant to be, right,
Like everybody has a universe inside of them, Like we
are our own little universe walking around and we deserve
the life that we go after. And if you just
accept shit, that's what your life is going to be.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
Yeah, you want to hear something that I thought about?
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Sure, is this a three am thought?
Speaker 2 (24:34):
No, this is a after ayahuasca thought, Okay, so we
had a conversation with one of the guardians about how
the universe is expanding and then it retracts and then
it expands. What else does that our lungs? Yeah, we
are made of stardust. What if we are just living
in some creature's lungs right now, like we are in
(24:55):
the universe of somebody else, some creature. I think about
like that a lot, And then all of us have
a universe inside of us that's just living within our
lungs as we.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Breathe, right, I think about that a lot. Okay, here's
how stupid this is because I've actually gone down this
rabbit hole. Yeah, we are so far away from the
other planets, and there's other solar systems, Like we have
our own galaxy, there's other galaxies in space millions, right,
which on a grand scheme of things, makes us really
really fucking small. Yes, like microscopic. Oh yeah, you can't
(25:26):
see us from space. Yeah, you can barely see our
planet from space. What if we are one of those
things that is floating around and like another being, and
we are creating our own little thing, and we are
the cancer that's living in another creature, right, because we're
destroying the cell that we're living in. I think about
this shit, like, I think about this a lot more
(25:47):
than I care to admit. I've had like long, like
forty five minute drives where yeah, and it's been like
this for years in me.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
Sorry, guys, Okay, we're back to it. Then I started
watching you two.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Were you struggling to get back to it? Are you
trying to find your place?
Speaker 2 (26:04):
I'm struggling because like, oh gosh, there's the simulation theory, right,
and that makes sense to me. Elon Musk, one of
the smartest human beings out there, says, the likelihood of
us not living in a simulation is astronomical, right, But
I also think that the likelihood of us I don't know.
I don't think that our space is the end of it.
(26:24):
I were living in another being. We're inside the lungs
of some alien rhinoceros right now. That's funny, some galactic
turtle that's been living for eons.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Galactic turtle. Yeah, okay, yep.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
In Futurama, there is a whale that would that would
swim through dimensions. We're inside that whale.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
There you go.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
It's so hard to turn it off, right, yep, Okay,
we're getting back into it. I am focusing. I am focused. Peaches.
Knowing that you found Chris after leaving a toxic marriage
gave me hope. You reminded me that it's.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Hang on, hang on. I can't say this out loud. Sorry,
what was that? I don't want to read it on
the podcast. Here, I'll pull the chat back up the conversation. Yeah,
for those of you who are not part of the
Discord community, you just missed a whole little inside joke. Yeah,
you should go join.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
All right, Okay, I was focused, I was in it.
What episode is that Chris? This one?
Speaker 1 (27:31):
We did it? So we actually did do a conspiracy
theory episode with Jake and Seawan. Yeah, Jacob, he doesn't
like it when it's Jake. Jacob. I finally got the
confirmation back from Trova trip.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Oh word, okay for Costa Rico love that.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
We'll talk about that for Just remind me because otherwise
all clear that notification and never see it again.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Okay, Teaches, Knowing that you found Chris after leaving a
toxic marriage gave me hope. You reminded me that it's
never too late to find the kind of love that
uplifts and values you, and you're not too damaged for it.
You're not useless, You're not discarded remains of some rotting
carcass that is not beautiful anymore. I don't think I
would have had the courage to leave my relationship if
(28:11):
it weren't for you too. Peaches, you are such a glowing,
beautiful soul. Those feather earrings and that red dress stunning.
Oh thank you. And Chris, you seem like the coolest,
kindest guy with the heart of gold and amazing tattoos.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
That's the first time I've heard that one.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
I mean you are verified heart of Gold.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
Yeah, yeah, verified like certifiable like verified like yeah, I
very beef, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
I feel like slightly anointed, Yeah, spiritually lay something and
I feel like what I have to say carries a
little bit of weight. So yeah, verified heart of Gold. Together,
you've shown me what real love looks like, and for that,
I'll always be grateful. Thank you for being the light
I needed during a dark time. You helped me to
start to believe in myself again, and I'll never forget it.
(28:58):
It's setting all my love to you and your family.
Please stay safe, and keep being the incredible people you are.
Love that these thank you for that. These emails are
so fucking easy to read. Like they feel good. Hence
the folder that they're in. It's called feel good.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
Yeah, but like it really is a pleasant thing to
hear that people are changing their lives and finding peace
and happiness because of what we're doing.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
Finding self worth. Oh god, do we have a second blanket?
M Thailand blanket? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (29:26):
All right, moving on to the actual part of the podcast,
where we read emails that are looking for advice. This
one's called Patreon member, please help stay at home mom
of a child with significant special needs. Where we get
into this, guys know that if you send an emails
and you are a Patreon member, you get priority reads.
So if you're just sending an email and you're not
a member or a Patreon community, you get put into the
queue and we get to it.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
When we get to it, it's a thirteen pager.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Totally shit. Well, this will be the only one we
do today. Then Bell said, we need more blankets. Sierra said,
peace looks hel cozy. Now you want to talk about
how we got that blanket.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
I smuggled it off of a international flight on Oh gosh,
what it was like eighteen hours? Yeah, we spent eighteen
hours on a plane. And this this blanket comforted me.
It made me feel safe. It held my frustration with
all of the people around us making bodily noises, and
I felt soul bonded to it. So I had my
(30:16):
own blanket with me. I wrapped this guy up in it,
and he came home.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
It was worth every penny. Oh yeah, for what they
charged us for that flight. I think we get to
keep the blanket.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Thousands of dollars. And yes, this is like a three
thousand dollars blanket.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
It's probably like forty bucks.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
It doesn't even cover my whole body.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
No, it's so funny.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
For legal purposes, it was a gift, yes, from the airline. Yes, yeah,
that I took.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Yeah. Oh man, all right, let's do this.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
Okay, Hey, guys, thank you in advance for taking the
time to read the novella I'm about to include. Your
assistance is greatly needed before we get into this. Guys,
we are not trained professionals in anything good call. We
are not therapists, we are not certified counselors. We are helpers.
We are here to qualified helper qualified helpers. Yes, that
actually came from a certified therapist.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Yeah, she hast names she does.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
She earned that PhD and we earned that qualified helper title.
So if there is any type of medical inquiring or
special needs information needed we do not have that, we
can do our best to try and try and help
people see things from a different perspective. I have written
this email about a dozen times and in a dozen
different ways, and always ended up deleting it. I'm having
(31:34):
trouble putting intowards how I feel and actually putting my
finger on exactly what is going on. I have been
watching sas listening to you guys almost from the beginning,
and you have helped me so much in my own
growth and healing. I hope you guys know the work
you are doing truly matters, and it's greatly appreciated. My
husband forty two and I thirty nine, have been together
and married for almost fourteen years. We had our first
(31:56):
date and married within ten months.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
We have a total of four children, only one of
which is biologically ours. When we were married, he had
a son nine and a daughter three, and my daughter too. Okay,
so they're all biologically year, guys, is just one shared
between the two of you. We welcome our son twelve
days before our first anniversary. Wasted no time?
Speaker 1 (32:18):
Yeah right, date baby a year.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
About three years after our son's birth, he was diagnosed
with severe autism and IDD intellectual and developmental disability, as
well as OCD, global sensory processing and severe anxiety. He
has a measured IQ of forty seven. Anything below seventy
is considered to be delayed. His diagnosis changed everything.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
Of course it did. Of course it did. How could
that not change everything? Right, I'm not going to get political,
was what I'm about to say, And I have to
preface that because what I'm about to say is a
very hot topic politically today. That comment that RFK made
about people who have autistic children not living normal lives
(33:06):
and all of the shit that he was talking triggered
a whole lot of people who have autism, people who
have children have autism. But there was also people who
are on the extreme end of it, who have children
who are in their twenties that they still have to
change their diaper and wipe their ass. And because there
is such a broad spectrum of this, statements like that
are not meant for everyone, but there are people that
it does apply to. So when I say this, I'm
(33:27):
not saying just because you have an autistic child that
your whole life has to change. There's a whole lot
of us who are autistic that live normal, very normal lives,
and like your parents may do the best you can
to like help work through your triggers and your emotions
and like all of that shit. You might you might
have a great parent to take you to therapy, and
like the therapists can fucking teach you the shit. The
reality is is it's a lot fucking harder to parent
(33:47):
a child with special needs than it is to parent
a child that's not special needs. You and I are
both on the spectrum. We're waiting on some results to
get back from other things to find out if other
people in our lives are on the spectrum. But if
it does, that might give us new tools on how
to parent, or deal or teach or whatever that we
otherwise wouldn't have had. So when you get a diagnosis
or a label, you need to understand that this is
(34:08):
not the end of the world. This is an opportunity
for you to learn and grow. But when you do
have a child who has all of those diagnosises and
has an IQ of forty seven, your life is going
to be flipped upside down, like, and there's nothing you
can do about that. You're going to have to cater
to this child until they are able to eventually take
care of themselves. In the reality of it is they
may never be able to. Yeah, that's that's rough, dude.
(34:29):
That is a really really hard thing to hear. It
just gets worse.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
I had been working in my literal dream job, and
almost overnight I became a stay at home mom and
decided that I would homeschool my children. All of this
makes me sound very mentally stable at the time, but
it was actually quite the contrary. My mother had recently
passed away very suddenly, and I had absolutely spiraled. I
became a full blown opiate addict and gained sixty five pounds.
I poured everything I had into my children to make
(34:53):
sure they were cared for, and sadly, my husband got
very little.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
So one, that's a lie I want to touch on
a whole lot there. The dream job thing is what
I was like. It gets worse when you have could
you imagine, well, I mean you don't have to imagine
you were on your way to becoming a tattoo arist.
That was a dream that you had since you were
like preteen yees seven eight, right, So like you were
on your way there and the hurricane came and fucked
that up and it was ripped away, and then the
podcast started and then that you know, now it got
(35:18):
put on the back burner, and though you're going back
to it, like there's a very real thing, when you're
that close to getting something, you finally achieve it, to
have that stripped away from you, it fucking sucks.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
It's devastating.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
She then said, I became a fooll blown opiate addict
and gained sixty five pounds. I put everything I had
in to my children to make sure they were cared for,
and sadly, my husband got very little. If you became
a full blown opiate opiate addict, you weren't pouring everything
into your children. Because part of making sure that your
children have everything they need is making sure that you
were healthy. And I know that people are going to
get up in arms over that, but your physical and
(35:49):
mental health is going to dictate the way that your
children are brought up.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
How you arrive for them.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
Right, how you show up? Yeah? Absolutely, the I'm depressed,
I'm drugged out, mommy's dope sick this morning, leave me alone, right, Like.
There's a whole lot that goes into all of that
that can become very problematic. So I don't like that
she put it out there like that. I put everything
I had into my children. You didn't. You could have
said I gave my children more attention than my husband
(36:15):
during that time. I would believe that. But if you're
not taking care of yourself, you're not taking care of
your children.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
I agree with that.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Okay, I'm glad. Also, Buck is Frisbee. Did we talk
about that yesterday?
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Yeah? We did. Okay, Yeah, So that was just completely
out of context and everyone's like, what frisbee. There's not
a Frisbee in the email?
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Oh oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
So our son, because of the split household, they spent
half Easter with us, half Easter with their dad and
the family that they have going on, and they received
Easter baskets from extended family on their dad's side, and
our son was gifted of frisbee And it is the
wonkiest weirdly wighed frisbee. You toss it and it just
(36:56):
barrel rolls.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
The reason that I brought that up, though, is because
this all of this made me think about that, because
of the special needs, the time that you can give
with your children, Like I just reading that made me
think of us trying to throw that frisbee yesterday in
and out working. But then I also thought about the
drum situation and how I think he's going to be
a musical savant, and like all of the shit that
goes into all of that. Like, I don't know where
(37:18):
why all of that came up. I think probably that's
probably more of a conversation for off the podcast, but Okay,
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Continuing, I put my husband through hell for about five years.
My children got every ounce of energy I had, and
my husband was left with an exhausted bitch with raging
borderline or bipolar, it just says BPD. I truly believe
the only reason why he stayed was because of our
son and his limitations. When an abnormal lab result left
us worried that I had cancer for about two weeks.
(37:44):
Thankfully I was fine, but the aspect of me being
sick kind of snapped us both back into reality. I
decided to be a better wife. I wanted to be
the perfect trad wife because that's what my husband deserved.
Speaker 1 (37:54):
Love that in less.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
Than a year, I was able to lose almost one
hundred pounds and I quit taking the medications I was on.
I can proudly say this was about six years ago
and I have not had a pill in almost as long.
Speaker 1 (38:04):
That's awesome, she said. I truly believe the only reason
why he stayed was because of our son and his limitations.
Like is that a bad thing? Right? Like? I understand
that you should never stay for the children if your
relationship's fucked up. But this is a special needs kid,
and you guys are doing everything that you can to
try to make this work, and it's not making it
work for the kids to have a normal life. It's
because there is now a special needs child that's involved.
(38:24):
I think that changes the conversation that we often have.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
Okay, I agree with that.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
Ooh, bandit said the world's greatest unhealthcare system, question mark.
I have no idea what's going on in the comments.
I just saw that. I love that.
Speaker 2 (38:36):
Yeah, continuing, We were quarantined together for almost three months
during COVID in our relationship, which was already really good,
got even better. We built a huge garden together and
bene so many television shows that we had been meaning
to watch. When he was finally returning to work, we
were in the best place we had ever been.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
Nobody ever says that that's the first time anyone has
said in an email to us that COVID made their
relationship better. Yeah, you know that that's going to be
a conversation that that's going to be the nine to
eleven of the younger generation COVID. Yeah. Yeah, the shutdown,
the scare tactics, the people were in, the fucking cut.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
Off, the death counters bottles.
Speaker 1 (39:08):
Right right, the death counters on every fucking thing to
keep us scared constantly, and then the conspiracy theories coming
out to be right and all of that shit like
nine to eleven, Like this is going to be that
for this the generation right now. Yeah, you guys remember
when we couldn't go to school for six months.
Speaker 2 (39:23):
Yeah, continuing to make the rest of this makes sense,
we're going to have to take a sidebar and discuss
my son. He is my baby boy, I say, baby boy,
and I guarantee you that you aren't picturing the twelve
year old five foot nine, one hundred and eighty pound
linebacker I'm speaking of. He has come so very far,
but still has so much further to go. He has
currently potty trained, which is surprising to most clinicians we see.
(39:44):
It's one of my biggest flexes. He didn't really sleep
much for the first six years until we were able
to begin medicating him. He didn't speak at all until
he was about four, and now has a vast vocabulary
while still being labeled as conservationally nonverbal Conversationally. Conversationally, you said,
I don't remember because he can't hold conversations the way
(40:05):
you and I can. My son speaks in scripting, meaning
more or less repeats movie lines.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
No, people do that.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Your autism showing, then.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
That's like fucking six my conversation.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
I was scrolling on TikTok the other day I felt
so called out. This guy's full TikTok was about, do
you guys remember that vine where that girl had that
water bottle pold on her face and she sat up
and went hello, I quote that at least once a podcast.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
Yeah, Jenny said, we don't do that here. Not, Nope,
not at all. That's uh yeah, that's funny, all right.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
He can make his own needs known verbally, but cannot
construct a sentence. We're working on three word sentences right now. Example,
I want blank.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
I love that. Before we move on. Dead Eye two Tongues,
who is the co host of Voices Broken, which we
air on the two Be Better podcast channel, now has
a mushroom supplement company called health fire Holler and right
now he is looking for people to email in who
have severely autistic children because Lion's Main mushroom is doing
a whole lot of wonderful things and they are running
(41:17):
studies right now to get reviews and testimonies from people,
and he's willing to do it in exchange for product.
So for this person, if you haven't yet, email Healthfireholler
at gmail dot com. Tell them you have an extremely
autistic child, explain the situation, and tell them that you
would like to try Lions Main and he will send
you a bottle of it. But the agreement is that
you have to give a review, good or bad, as
(41:37):
to what happened, excuse me, what it did for your child.
Because people who have children that are like no physical
touch have become more accepting a physical touch. People who
have had mood swings have been less moody like There's
a whole lot of things that go into that, So
I would recommend that if you are listening to this
and you have an extremely autistic child, go check out
(41:58):
hell fire Holler health fire holler dot com.
Speaker 2 (42:01):
He is a gorgeer when it comes to food. He
would eat everything in the kitchen if we allowed it.
He would even sometimes make himself vomit all over the
floor or wherever he is in the moment so he
can eat more. He will have full on meltdowns if
he has denied food or anything he wants for that matter.
He is aggressive and he is big, bigger than me,
and I also have a spinal injury that makes me
(42:22):
less than agile. I have been slapped bit and hard
enough to break the skin and cause temporary nerve damage,
head butted, and kicked. His absolute favorite thing to do
is take a running start and ram his body into mine.
An instance of this sent me flying into my coffee
bar one night as he was having a meltdown because
his big sister was at work and he didn't like
it and wanted her home. At that very instant and impossibility.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
So living in that situation, wouldn't you want an opportunity
to try to like make that not your life? And
I'm not saying get rid of your child, but if
you had the ability to heal his brain and make
him not an IQ of forty seven, make him so
that he's not slaw you head budding, you, biting you
to the point of bleeding, causing temporary nerve damage, and
then being.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
Tackled, yeah, physically aggressive.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
Wouldn't you want that? Right? Like, this is not normal
for people's families. This is a very extreme situation. Yeah,
this was this what I was talking about earlier. I
actually the reason that I brought that RFK thing because
of what's actually being said right now, is because it's
a very political charged conversation and the people that feel
the way they feel about it aren't willing to listen
to the other side. And me somebody that has no
skin in the game whatsoever, and looking at both of
(43:28):
you guys arguing about who's right or who's wrong. The
reality is is that everybody's got their own individual life,
and you may have an autistic child that's fairly fucking normal,
and then you've got kids like this, who are who
are going to grow up to be a grown man.
He's twelve right now, and he's five nine, one hundred eighty.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Pounds, and he's able to body slam his mom across.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
At twelve, right, He's got another four to eight years of.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Growth, so he hasn't even hit puberty yet.
Speaker 1 (43:50):
Right right now, Let's say that he makes it to
six foot three and he's two hundred and fifty pounds
of aggression that nobody can control. How are you going
to deal with this? A woman who's got nerve damage,
spinal fineries and can't move right. So, like, while you
guys are taking sides and wanting to make moot arguments,
the reality is that your lives situation and this person's
live situation is not the fucking same. So real quick.
(44:12):
In the chat, Samantha said, does Lion's Main help with
a TBI? Does anyone know? Absolutely does? There's a whole
lot of things that goes on with Lion Mains. You
can read your own studies on it. But dead Eye
two tongues, who's the co host, like I said earlier,
had a TBI. He had a whole lot of nerve damage,
Lion's main has helped him a lot with that. It's
why he started his company.
Speaker 2 (44:30):
Continuing Yeaph, his favorite thing is grocery shopping. He collects
the sales ads that come in the mail every week.
Because of this, he typically does really well in grocery stores,
which is why that's pretty much the only place we
ever really go. I made a change about six years
ago and vowed to put my husband first. At that point,
our son was only about six years old and was
far easier to handle. My mother in law was being
(44:51):
paid by my son's insurance to take him out for
about twelve hours a week and give me a break.
My husband and I used the bulk of these hours
for date nights. We were able to go to the
movies and to dinners and actually get to see Stick
Figure and Sublime in court and concert.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
Oh yeah, I love Sublime and.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
Let's be honest, sex in an empty house is priceless.
We even spent one night away in a little late cabin.
Our relationship was amazing. We were able to handle our
son more effectively because we were getting time to ourselves. Eventually,
insurance began to cut the hours and my mother in
law wouldn't help us if she was no longer getting paid,
and to be fair, she is barely five feet tall
and he was becoming too much for her to handle.
(45:29):
But the money was the biggest reason why she stopped.
That's fucked up, isn't it. That's fucked up as a mother,
and I hope one day to be a grandmother. Shame
on you. Yeah, if money was your biggest motivator to
help your family and your grandson, your your thought process
is flawed.
Speaker 1 (45:46):
Right right, I can see if there was a I'm
afraid of him right be a very different conversation.
Speaker 2 (45:51):
He's becoming too much for me. I'm scared that he's
gonna hurt me.
Speaker 1 (45:54):
Right, This is this kind of situation though. That kid
needs a stronger structure because you're not going to go
against things that could stop you from doing it. Like
we understand our limitations and it's natural like and that's
part of our lizard brain. I want to move to
the chat real quick, because Jenna said, our son has
come a long way through this through though, and his
aggression is all but completely gone because she's also had
(46:16):
a son who has similar issues or had similar issues.
I just want to say, Jenna, because I've heard the
way that you talk to your son while we're gaming.
The life that you have is because of the person
that you are. You should be very proud of yourself.
I say that with total love, because of the way
that you talk to your son.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
Continuing, we have no support system, and so we were
left to handle it all ourselves, and with my husband
working fifty to sixty hours a week to support and
provide for us, it mostly landed on me. COVID lockdowns
had put a halt to his therapy, and I already homeschooled,
so I became a twenty four to seven three sixty
five caretaker for our son. After my mother in law
stopped watching our son and we were no longer able
(46:53):
to spend time away and time together, we ended up
spending less and less time with one another. Rough things
began to deteriorate despite every effort I made to not
let it happen. The aspect of us ending up where
we are now was so terrifying to me. I would
have nightmares about it. As I stated before, I had
been diagnosed with BPD, but I've also been diagnosed with
major depression, generalized anxiety, and OCD. I have done so
(47:16):
much work on myself to get past the childhood trauma
that led me to the mess I had found myself in.
Speaker 1 (47:20):
It's crazy that she's been diagnosed with so much, And
I wonder how much of that those diagnoses came from
from different doctors and how much of that is a misdiagnosis. Yeah, right, Like,
because this is a thing, you're gonna get different things
from different people, because everybody's looking at your life through
a cognitive bias. And if somebody specializes in borderline, they're
going to look for the ways to diagnose with you
(47:41):
borderline because that's their field of expertise. Right, you go
to somebody that's just a pill pusher anxiety and OCD
I can give you meds for that.
Speaker 2 (47:48):
Here you go, right, Yeah, continuing, Yes, my childhood was traumatic,
to say the least. My daddy was in prison where
he died when I was fourteen, and in the early
death of my beloved grandmother, the deliberate the oh wow, okay,
the deliberate killing of my older brother, and the abuse
and emotional enmeshment I experienced with my mother and has
taken me a long time and a lot of work
(48:09):
to get to where I am today. I most definitely
have abandonment issues, which used to cause a lot of
issues with my marriage because I would convince myself that
he was going to leave me, and nothing he ever
said was good enough to convince me otherwise. I had
to decide that my marriage and my family were more
important than my baggage. I needed to let go and
move on, and so that's what I did. I'm not
cured by any stretch, but I can honestly say I'm
(48:31):
in a better place now than I've ever been, which
is good because the stuff going on with my husband
right now would have driven me into an institution before
I got to handle on my emotions and intrusive thoughts.
Now to the issues at hand, I think I may
have gone overboard, or to put it differently, I became
the ultimate trad wife while my husband is just chillen
as trads lights. The house we are living in drives
(48:52):
me absolutely crazy. It is a thirty year old single
wide trailer we have purchased from my parents. I lived
in this same house since I was ten years old.
Speaker 1 (49:00):
I want it that so There's so much there. Could
you imagine living in the same home for thirty years,
and it being that small. A single white home is
not very big. You're living in less than a thousand
square foot of space. Yeah, for thirty years, that being
your only place. The amount of ugly that that house
is seen, the amount of fights, the energy, like all
of that shit. I believe that shit gets caught in there.
Oh yeah, that's that's wild to live in that same space.
(49:22):
I couldn't imagine still living in the house that I
grew up in. Fucked the abuse of those wall saws.
I wouldn't want I would I would have sold that
house right as an adult. Looking back on it, ironically enough,
I would like to buy that house. But I wouldn't
have wanted to live there my entire life. I wonder
why that is because I've looked at the price of
that house. I've actually looked when it's caught it for sale,
like I've thought about trying to buy it.
Speaker 2 (49:41):
I would be like an ownership over your trauma.
Speaker 1 (49:43):
Oh maybe because I wouldn't want to live there. I
really wouldn't want to live there. It wasn't a great house.
It was maybe twelve hundred square feet.
Speaker 2 (49:50):
Like you'll be in control of the environment. You once
were not able to be.
Speaker 1 (49:53):
Yeah, yeah, it's weird. I never really thought about that.
That's that's fucking strange.
Speaker 2 (49:57):
Continuing, Yeah, it is falling apart, and I feel like
all I do is clean. We have converted every single
bit of storage space into additional living space. My son
is considered to be home bound, and so all of
this therapy takes place in our home, meaning not only
do I have people in and out of my house
almost daily for hours at a time, but I don't
get out much either. I will literally save and plan
many road trips for myself to visit new cities to
(50:19):
go grocery shopping, and that trip will be the absolute
highlight of my month when I can make it happen.
Speaker 1 (50:24):
I think we should release this sooner than later.
Speaker 2 (50:26):
We live paycheck to paycheck, and although my husband is
making the most he ever has, the current economy makes
it so it's pretty much like it's always been. I
talk about our house and money because it illustrates my
husband's chronic low self esteem. My husband is a blue
collar worker who is absolutely beloved by local contractors, many
of whom have begged him in the past to go
out on his own. I have been trying to convince
(50:47):
him to take the test he would need to take.
Almost since the beginning, he won't. I have told him
how amazing he is and how much better it would be,
but he just won't do.
Speaker 1 (50:56):
Talk about that. We can not everybody's meant to be
in charge, right. There are people out there, and I'm
not going to say his name, but you'll know who
I'm talking about. There is somebody that we both know
intimately like very well, that does really, really well in
a management position when everything is being told what to do.
He can thrive in that aspect. He can rally the
troops to get other people to do things to a degree.
(51:18):
But if he was to be put in charge of
his own business, which happened, he ran into the fucking
ground and the business was turning a profit when it happened.
There are people out there who are not meant to
run a business knowing that there is a child at
home that is special needs, the insurance not covering the
things that it's not covering. There needs to be a
guaranteed income. Even taking the test doesn't mean that you're
going to strike out on your own and make it work.
(51:39):
There's a lot of fear there. So for a man
to be in that position of having all of this
risk on his shoulders family of six, it's very difficult.
That's not an easy thing. So you tag all of
that onto the insecurities that men have about being enough.
I would be fucking terrified six kids, and like, if
you're making life work right now, that's so much better
(51:59):
than striking out and losing everything, right, That's that's the
fear of comfort. This is why most people never make
more than six six figures in their life, because they
gets to that point where they've got everything working in
life is good enough that they can fucking stop.
Speaker 2 (52:10):
They don't want to lose it.
Speaker 1 (52:11):
And that's where he's at right now. He doesn't want
to lose it. I think that he should take the
test even if he does nothing with it. What's the
worst that's gonna happen. If you're gonna have a license,
you can charge more, right, right, I mean that's great,
you can Hey, I can hold licenses for your business.
Now I can do things that were not currently doing
Because of this, I would like a race, maybe another
five bucks an hour? Yeah, something right, And then from
there decide whether whether you want to do it or not.
(52:33):
And if he's being contracted out for jobs, why would
they Why would people be begging him to leave the
contracting position into starting his own thing because they would
lose those jobs. Because if he's able to do those jobs,
that's money that the company wouldn't be making because he
would be making it directly. Like, There's a whole lot
that goes into that. I wonder what that community looks
like like. If he's really that that admired and respected,
there must be people who are like, you could be
(52:54):
doing great things for your life right now and you're
choosing not to. Maybe they see a potential in him
that he doesn't see in his self. That's a lot
of common. That's a whole lot in that paragraph.
Speaker 2 (53:02):
Continuing, Yeah, lately, I have been talking to them about
it based on what the economy does within the next
couple of years, possibly taking a small business loan and
buying a laundromat, because I've seen people who are able
to pull themselves out of near poverty and are now
essentially retired from the passive income they get from their laundromat.
Speaker 1 (53:19):
You need to get off TikTok. Yeah, get off TikTok. Yeah.
I've looked in the laundromats. I've almost bought a couple
of them. The reality is that for every probably two
or three hundred people that try to do the laundrymat thing,
maybe five of them will succeed and really make money.
Those things go up for sale the way that they
do because people are not making money from it. You
could maybe get a small business loan and make it work,
depending on where you live. But with the rising reality,
(53:41):
I should say the reality is that most people are
getting washeder and dryers, and if you can't afford it,
a lot of rentals come with them already in the property.
Laundry mats are normally in low income areas. They're not
a big money maker. What you're watching is TikTok shit.
Now it's passive income because you don't have to be there.
You can set up security cameras and just go in
there and clean out your machines. Which has got deal
with maintenance, down machines, broken down machines. You gotta be
(54:01):
able to repair and replace all that shit. Like I've
looked in I've looked in laundromats. I gotta be honest,
I believe that laundromats, barbershops and car washes and storage units, yep,
are are for money, money laundry. Since we since we
started the podcast, we've gotten six new car washes in
our town and almost as many storage units and our
population hasn't increased that much. No, and those storage units
(54:22):
are fucking massive.
Speaker 2 (54:23):
Yeah, within five minutes of our house, there's about four.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
Storage units and three of them are brand new. Yeah,
it's within two miles. Holy shit, because two of them
are on one on each end of our block. Yeah. Wow,
I didn't think about that. That's crazy.
Speaker 2 (54:35):
Yeah, someone's moving money.
Speaker 1 (54:37):
Absolutely. I'm not saying that you can't make money in
a laundromat. You absolutely can. But it's not retirement money.
Speaker 2 (54:43):
No, And I would bet that the people who are
doing that have the income to be able to supplement
what breaks down, what needs to be repaired. Also, I'm
not willing to take the risk of, like you said,
these are going to be in low income areas, there
could be an increase in crime. I don't want to
deal with people trying to break and steal the money,
fights breaking out, someone shattering a window because they threw
something because somebody in the laundromat pissed them off. There's
(55:04):
a whole lot that goes into it.
Speaker 1 (55:06):
There's a lot to think about.
Speaker 2 (55:07):
I didn't read the next sentence for at.
Speaker 1 (55:09):
Starting to get I'm like getting lost in my thought
process with shit.
Speaker 2 (55:12):
He picks out the flaws and my ideas and will
usually always have something negative to say about the whole thing.
But then he will call me on the way home
from work and just unload on me about how he
hates his job and they work him like a dog.
I don't know which way to move with him.
Speaker 1 (55:24):
Okay, let's talk about that.
Speaker 2 (55:26):
There needs to be realistic solutions happening. Right you guys,
it sounds like you are barely keeping your heads afloat financially.
I am not trying to take on more debt and
I'm not taking a small business loan unless it's going
to be guaranteed that this is going to be something
that we can survive on after a year. So the
likelihood he has a trade, right, he sounds like he's
a contractor. He's good with his hands. I would take
(55:47):
out a small business loan after he gets all of
his certifications and licensings whatever he needs to get, and
then work on getting the equipment that he needs to
do the trade.
Speaker 1 (55:55):
Right, Well, he probably already owns it. Yeah, So let's
look at my stepdad, right, because my stepdad is a
skilled worker. The motherfucker can fly airplanes and build buildings
and like rebuild car engines like he is. He is,
in my mind, everything a good skilled man should be.
He makes me feel so insignificant because he's so capable
of doing things. And my cousin Joey's very good too.
(56:15):
My stepdad makes Joey look in capable. Wow, he's that
fucking smart. But that's what he chose to do with
his life because he enjoys his work. He gets left alone.
He just goes and does his shit and goes home
at the end of the day, has his beer, watches
his TV and that's he's happy. Yeah. I wish my
stepdad would have gotten his contractor's license because he can't
get it now that he's a felon. And had he
got his contractor's license, he could have opened a business,
(56:37):
hired people, taught them to wait the way he wanted
them to do things, and he would have had a
very different retirement because of them. What he's currently having.
Speaker 2 (56:44):
He wouldn't have to be working because other people are
doing it for him.
Speaker 1 (56:46):
He's still working. Yeah, And like every once in a
while we drive near people or I will happen to
see glimpses of people driving around our area because we
live in a small town and he doesn't look good
like you can tell that that life is caught up
to him. She said that every time she brings it up,
he picks apart her plan with negativity. How are you
(57:06):
supposed to fix your life and have realistic goals if
you can't find the holes in your plan? We do
that shit to each other all the time. It's not negative.
We're planning. If I'm like, babe, we should do this,
and you're like, I don't think that's a good idea.
I need to know why you don't think that's a
good idea, because if you see something that I don't,
or there's a fear there that I can't like rebuttal
in a way that you understand. We don't need to.
Speaker 2 (57:27):
Do that, right. Our life is on the line, right.
Speaker 1 (57:30):
But this is the difference between somebody who has started
businesses and failed versus somebody that just has the dream
of being rich because of I hate to say it, TikTok,
because that's what I believe that laundry mount idea comes from.
I've seen the cause with buckets of cash. Yeah, water
bills are crazy, repair bills are crazy, Like there's a
whole lot that goes into that. And then you also
have to factor in your population, you know, the median income.
(57:52):
If you live in an area that's middle class, you're
not using the laundroymats aren't getting used, right, So I
wonder what those conversations look like. And then on the
other side of that comversation where he said that, she
said he calls and unloads about how much he hates
his job and they work him like a dog.
Speaker 2 (58:05):
You're his woman, right, would you rather him call somebody else?
Speaker 1 (58:08):
Right? If we can't come to you with that, who
the fuck are we supposed to come to Sometimes that
Sometimes those phone calls are the things that stop men
from eliminating themselves. Because if you can't get that out,
and you can't let that steam vent, and you just
continue to bottle and bottle and bottle, eventually you're going
to combust.
Speaker 2 (58:28):
As a woman. As your woman, it is not my
job to problem solve for you. You're a grown man.
You can make your own decisions. You have your own
thought processes, So now I'm having a lot of different thoughts.
Right She is cooped up in the house, probably has
cabin fever, is not able to live her own life anymore,
lost her dream job. There has to be a sense
of I'm not in control anymore, going on absolutely and
(58:51):
the laundromat idea and telling him to go get certified
or licensed. In my mind, those are equating to grasps
at trying to get something that's within control. I don't
think that her man needs that right now. Life sounds
really stressful for these guys.
Speaker 1 (59:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (59:08):
Absolutely so if I am this woman and I'm receiving
another phone call, this is phone call four thousand, six
hundred and eighty four of him complaining about his job. Babe,
you're still kicking ass right. You're gonna come home and
the children are gonna be excited to see you. It's
been all day, and I miss my man. Thank you
for continuing to go to this job that you fucking hate.
(59:28):
To make sure that we can have dinner on the.
Speaker 1 (59:29):
Table changes everything. Her reaching for Straw is trying to
reclaim some sense of freedom in her life by getting
financial freedom, because I believe that that leads to true
freedom is admirable, and wanting to own a business and
do the thing is fucking admirable. I think everyone that
has the idea of owning a business should try to
figure out a way to make it happen. But you
need to be realistic about it, and you need to
(59:50):
try to find ways to not fail because the reality
is ten percent of people that want to open a
business fail, or to say, out of everybody that wants
to open a business, only ten percent do two percent
make it past the first year. Those are the actual stats.
So eight percent of the people that try to open
a business or you know, eighty percent fail and it's
because they have ideas of grandeur or they think that
they can click their open sign on and money's gonna
(01:00:11):
flock in, and they don't think about marketing, and there's
a whole lot of other plays that need to be
taken care of and making it work. In this situation,
just off of the data that we've given, he needs
to open his own business. Yeah, and like because of
my lived experience, the way that he's going to make
the most amount of money is by doing custom shit.
Because it's real easy to get a cookie cutter home.
(01:00:31):
The whole different conversation. When you can design and build
a home the way that you want it. That's very
becoming very popular now. The whiskey wall in our in
my whiskey room was almost ten grand, well was over
ten grand, to be clear, it was actually over. But
I wanted that wall. And I had two people come
in that are local to us, that was working for
somebody else, and like I had a long conversation with
(01:00:52):
one day and he finally got off his ass and
decided to open his own business. And he's done a
lot of work for us since then. But I see
the kind of money they're making because it's him and
his brother and they're doing custom shit. I don't want
something that I can buy from Target. I want people
if they ever come into my house and be like,
holy shit, look at that. Yeah yeah, I had that
built into the wall. My friend did that. Da da
da da da da dah. You know what I mean,
Like there's a market for that. And the difference is
(01:01:13):
is laundrymat is low income people and people like us
who want those things that have built a brand in
our life, you know what I mean, Like we've built
a fucking existence for ourselves can afford to spend the
extra money to get the custom shit. There's more profit
in that than there will ever be in a laundrymat.
And he would enjoy his life a lot more working
for himself at his own pace than fucking being grinded
(01:01:33):
down by somebody else and working selling his time versus
charging for his time. There's a difference. You sell your
time at an hourly rate. It's very different than you
setting your price for a job. Tessa said, I'm hitting
your two point five of owning my own business. It's
the hardest work I've put in in my life, and
it will be it will continue to be. It took
me to the decade mark of my main successful business
for me to back off and like let it do
(01:01:55):
its thing, and it almost destroyed it. The reality is
it almost destroyed it. I've had to step back and
make changes to make it do what it's supposed to
be doing. You are always going to work harder on
your dream and your business than anyone else's. And if
you're not willing to do that, it's not you're not
meant to go into business for yourself. If you're okay
with collecting the check and skirting buy in life, you
don't need to try because you're not going to be
willing to do the extra work to make it. You're
(01:02:16):
going to think, well, I'm going to charge ten grand
for this job if it takes six weeks, I'm only
making ten grand in six weeks. I'll make it the
whole six weeks. But if you go, I can do
this job in three days instead of six weeks and
charge the same ten grand, and then book another job,
and another job, and another job and another job. That
six weeks turns into thirty or forty thousand dollars real
fucking quick.
Speaker 2 (01:02:32):
So continuing, Yeah, he is miserable. This is not the
man I married. He has become quite possibly the most
negative person I have ever known. I have to try
to make my home as happy as possible because I'm
quite literally stuck here. But more times than not, his
mere presence will automatically bring the mood down in a room.
Speaker 1 (01:02:49):
That is rough.
Speaker 2 (01:02:49):
It's actually jarring. He doesn't see it. The biggest example
I have is Sundays. Sundays are supposed to be my days.
We cannot go to church as a family, so I
usually go by myself and my husband will stay here
with our son. I will usually go to the earliest
service to help assure that my husband isn't having to
be with our son alone for longer than necessary. I
go to church and usually go straight home afterwards, and
(01:03:10):
I usually always walk into the same scenario. My husband
will have texted me that everything was fine, so I
could come home happy from the service, feeling invigorated and
ready to do my Sunday reset on our home. But
what I walk into is abject misery just pouring off
of my husband. Okay, so I want to pause there.
My husband will text me that everything was fine, so
I could come home. But what I walk into is
(01:03:31):
abject misery, just pouring off of my husband. I could
guarantee your husband saying everything is fine, is that your
husband your son hasn't hasn't had a meltdown, your husband
hasn't been knocked off of his feet. There's not screaming
or unhappiness going on with the child. The house is fine,
everything is fine. He's not saying he's fine, the environment
of the home is fine.
Speaker 1 (01:03:51):
What if everything is fine? Enjoy your service? Is because
he realizes that this is the time that she gets
to get out and do her thing, and she doesn't
need to be worrying what's going on at home. You
can be taking care of your house and not happy
about it. If nothing's burning down and things are working,
regardless of how you feel about it.
Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
It's fine, yeah, continuing. I'll come home and most of
the time he is in the kitchen keeping an iron,
a son in the living room, and as soon as
I walk in, it's like he's clocking out and usually
doesn't say anything to me, but just walks past me
and goes to our bedroom where he will spend the
rest of the day. Sometimes he will say hi and
ask me about the service, but usually he doesn't. I'll
ask him what's wrong, and he will look at me
(01:04:29):
like he doesn't know what I'm talking about and will
usually get snappy with me by saying nothing, babe, I'm
just sitting here.
Speaker 1 (01:04:35):
This is accepting the life that he didn't expect to live, right.
Speaker 2 (01:04:38):
I also think it's fucked up to ask him what's
wrong when you know he's miserable. Right, you know what's
going on with him. He fucking hates his job. You
guys have no intimacy anymore. I'm guessing you're not able
to have sex.
Speaker 1 (01:04:49):
Yeah, a twelve year old. You know this is the
same email that's severely autistic. Right, There's a whole lot
that goes into this, dude. You know, you guys are
living a hard life. It's just all there is to it.
Asking what's that's wrong? You know it's wrong. You guys
are living a hard fucking life right now. You're absolutely right.
This sounds like somebody who's doing all that he fucking
can and seen and so she right, and you guys
(01:05:10):
are not doing it together. You're doing it and the
way that you feel that you can serve the household
the best, but you're not doing it together. He's working
to provide for the family, doing everything he can, and
he's killing himself and you're doing the exact same thing.
So from your perspective, I'm doing all these things and
he's fucking miserable. From his perspective, I'm doing everything that
I can. I love my family, I'm trying to be
a good man. And it's not enough. Right that you're right,
(01:05:33):
This comes down to that being able to be like, hey,
I can fucking tell that you're tired and stressed out.
I love you. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (01:05:38):
Thank you for taking Sunday mornings to spend time with
our son while I go to service. Right.
Speaker 1 (01:05:42):
I know it's hard for you. I know it's hard
for you because you work all the time and you're
not here with him. I understand that you're sacrificing your
time with your son to work. You're selling your time
to be able to provide for what we have. And
even though it's not enough a lot, it's enough. Right,
You're doing what you have to do. And I understand
that it because of that you don't have a relationship
the way that I have a relationship with him, and
Sunday's is fucking hard, but I appreciate you taking the
(01:06:03):
time to just sit out here and do what you're
doing so that I can go to service. You guys,
you guys have to find a way to fucking talk
to your person because this is division. This is going
to end in divorce if you don't find a way
to reconcile this. And it starts with becoming a team again, right,
And that starts with gratitude. You can't love somebody that
you fucking resent, right.
Speaker 2 (01:06:21):
I wouldn't walk through that door expecting my husband to
say something to me, I would walk through that door
and immediately be excited to see him.
Speaker 1 (01:06:26):
It's the choice, and you're setting the tone for the
rest of the day right now.
Speaker 2 (01:06:30):
If he chooses to continue to be miserable and all
those other kinds of things he can do that, I
am not going to absorb that into me. I'm going
to continue to have a good day. I just had
a good service at church. I got to talk to adults, right,
I got to be a human being and not just
a mother. And I'm going to walk through that door,
like she just said, invigorated, full of life and share
(01:06:50):
that with my husband. He has constantly frustrated with me,
Like it's crazy how easily I can get on this
man's nerves. It's literally the only thing we ever fight about.
I'll take you through an arguments. He says things sometimes
without thinking. Sometimes these things can be hurtful. I'm not
allowed to say anything when he says hurtful things because
I should just automatically realize that he doesn't mean it
that way and that I'm just being unreasonable. If I
(01:07:14):
do say something, then he is just doubly frustrated with me.
And when I say something about his attitude towards me.
He will deny having an attitude at all, claiming that
I'm making it up, and then go and essentially ignore
for at least an hour, after which he will come
and apologize for something he had denied, and then since
(01:07:35):
he has apologized, it cannot be spoken of again.
Speaker 1 (01:07:38):
So you're not getting any of your needs validated. That's
a problem. But again I'm not surprised that this is
a thing because their communication is not there, him shutting
things down, and are not being able to respond to
the situation as a problem. That's control.
Speaker 2 (01:07:52):
This is the best case scenario for issues like this.
If I really get my feelings hurt and God forbid, cry,
then I'm just being emotional and he will complete shut
down and deny everything. When my BPD has been bad
in the past, I could be curled up in a
ball crying on the floor and he would just be
sitting there getting more frustrated with me for being emotional. Okay,
so why are you curled up in a ball crying
on the floor. That's not how adults conduct themselves, right. Okay,
(01:08:15):
So you train your person on how to treat you,
what to expect from you and all these other things.
This is coming from somebody with borderline. So if for
a majority of your guys's relationship you have been a
massive mess emotionally, just a shipwreck and everything is being
flooded and people are drowning and it's the end of
the world, I can see why he's exhausted. It takes
(01:08:37):
a while to train someone on what to expect from
you in certain situations, and it's going to take just
as long to show them that you're working on that
with changed actions.
Speaker 1 (01:08:45):
It's also important to recognize that if this is your
go to every time something's wrong, as that you cry,
or you curl up in the fetal position, or you
guys have major blowouts, this is normal behavior for your fights.
You're not going to get sympathy because this is your
go to every time something's wrong. Not saying that it is,
but if that's the case, people get tired of that shit.
Men view crying like in arguments from women, if it
happens all the time, is manipulation. Yeah, because we are
(01:09:07):
We don't have a choice but to control our emotions. Right,
You can't act up it like that in the world.
If you if you want to fucking cry and scream
and break things. And you can't do that in front
of your boss. You are capable of emotional emotionally regulating,
you're not. We're not supposed to scream in the older women.
We're not allowed to hit things. We're allowed to throw
things or break things like we have to very calmly
fucking go about our lives. Sometimes people scream in yew,
(01:09:27):
they do the I'm not saying that everybody does the
right thing. I'm not saying that all men are right.
I'm just saying that there is an expectation that has
a had of men, most men when it comes to
these things. We're not allowed to cry and do things
like that. And when when we're having confrontation and the
outcome is you crying, not saying you, but the other
sex crying all the fucking time, we become desensitized to that.
It's like, oh great, now they're fucking crying again. Yeah, Like,
(01:09:48):
how is this going to get resolved if all they're
gonna do is fucking sit there and sob and we
can't have a conversation. Now I'm the fucking bad guy.
Speaker 2 (01:09:53):
Yeah, Now the conversation is focus on making her feel
better versus the actual issue at hand.
Speaker 1 (01:09:58):
Right, that's a very real thing. And I'm not saying
and he's right or wrong, just pointing out that is
a reality for a lot of fucking men, so that
people are aware of it. Using your borderline as an
excuse for your behavior is inappropriate. You know that you
have borderline, You know that you have triggers and traumas,
and you should be working through those things. And if
you haven't been doing the work to work through those things,
using them in conflict because you can't emotionally control yourself,
(01:10:20):
I view that as a form of manipulation as well.
Because you've known that you've got borderline and you've done
nothing to take care of the symptoms or the triggers
to fix what's going on with you, you're not making a
choice to live that way. So and I'm not saying
that you can fix borderline, but you can get tools
to work through traumas and triggers that you don't have
if you're raw dogging life. Right, Him shutting her down
(01:10:40):
and not having conversations is a fucking problem. I think
that there's a lot more going on here than her
side of things, and I think that if there was
an email from him and like we could hear them talking,
this would be a very different conversation.
Speaker 2 (01:10:52):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (01:10:53):
Oh, apparently the emotional things like happen twice in next sense.
Speaker 2 (01:10:56):
No, there have been instances where he has laughed at
me or called me crazy, but that's all happened once
or twice.
Speaker 1 (01:11:01):
Oh oh, yeah, I missed that part. He is very
We're you gonna say something, yeah, that that laughter is
a coping mechanism when you're in conflict. That laughter is
not real, genuine joy. That's not like a a haha
ha right, it's sarcasm. It's it's a purge. It's I'm
so frustrated right now that I don't know what to do.
So I'm just gonna like awkward laugh about this, call
(01:11:21):
you crazy, and walk away from what's happening right now
because I don't know how to deal with this. Right again,
not saying that he's right, that's very fucking wrong. Poor behavior.
He's not emotionally regulated either, but in that unless that's
his go to, which it's not. It's only happened twice.
That's frustration at its peak.
Speaker 2 (01:11:38):
He is very self centered. Example, this is infuriating in
all caps. He loves to fish. I love it when
he goes fishing because it does seem to help with
his nerves. So I am always one hundred percent okay
with him doing it. The issue begins sometimes when the
time comes to clean the fish. He will barge into
the kitchen, usually a kitchen I have been working very
hard to clean and to make it smell good, and
(01:11:58):
he will demand that I makes and the sink for
him to clean his fish. And it does not matter
what I'm doing, okay, So I want to pause there.
I would be very shocked if you don't know that
he's fishing, right.
Speaker 1 (01:12:09):
There's a possibility he's going to come home.
Speaker 2 (01:12:10):
With it, right, So in my mind, as my husband's wife,
he's out fishing, he might come home with the fish.
The first thing I'm going to do is clean up
the kitchen well enough. I'm not going to make it
sparkling clean because you might come home and get a fish, right,
and to make sure that the sink is prepared for that.
And then I'm going to focus on the rest of
the house. I can deep clean whatever else I want,
(01:12:31):
and then my kitchen is going to be the last
thing I hit because you might come home and get
a fish.
Speaker 1 (01:12:35):
There's a really simple solution to this too that I mean,
that's the easiest one, right, just to be aware of
the situation. Situational awareness is huge.
Speaker 2 (01:12:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:12:44):
The other option is to go when they go out
to fish, When he goes out to fish, you go
get get on Facebook, marketplace and look for a folding table.
You can find plastic white plastic folding tables from Walmart
on marketplace for like ten bucks, and you get a
cooler also on marketplace. You might even be able to
find one of like free trader. Then have him pick
up ice on the way home. He may already have it,
and when he gets home, have that table set up
(01:13:05):
outside and have him gut and do all that shit
outside of the house. Like moving forward, when you go fishing,
I would like you to gut and prep everything outside
because I don't like it with the house smells. Yeah,
I'll make sure that while you're gone the table set up.
You don't have to do that shit. They'll take you
two seconds unfold the fucking legs and stand on the
table up. That eliminates the entire problem. Kitchen doesn't get
gross with fish stuff. There's no blood and guts everywhere.
You don't have to worry about making room. Simple, simple solution.
(01:13:27):
I had a neighbor who he was like the redneck
of rednecks. His family was a disaster, but he was
the epitome of like blue collar worker. And he would
go hunting on a regular and I remember one day
he came home and had like they went duck hunting.
He had to have had a hundred ducks at least,
and he sat in the driveway for like fucking six hours,
(01:13:47):
pulling feathers and ripping heads and like doing all the
things that he needed to do to prep these ducks.
And he's happiest picking shit. Yeah, fucking Hank Williams on
the radio, like just doing his thing. I would could
not imagine doing that in the house. And I couldn't
imagine his wife that to happen either, because they had kids,
and like they still lived in a somewhat decent house.
It's not like they were you know. Anyways, it's crazy
to think about.
Speaker 2 (01:14:07):
Jennet's losing her mind. She wants us to keep.
Speaker 1 (01:14:09):
Reading, all right, I'll stop talking.
Speaker 2 (01:14:10):
So I had more to say, but I'm gonna see
what else is here. If I ask him to wait
or to give me some time. He gets frustrated and
pissed off. So I don't even argue. I hate it
all caps exclamation points. My once clean kitchen then needs
to be cleaned again from the blood and the fish
scales and the smell. Okay, so I'm gonna pause there again.
Literally everything I just said. I wouldn't clean the kitchen
(01:14:32):
knowing that you might come home and get a fish.
Speaker 1 (01:14:34):
Why is it he cleaning up after himself.
Speaker 2 (01:14:36):
Yeah, I mean that's a good question. I also want
to touch on I would expect a text message from
you dunfishing caught three fish. I'm expecting pictures like that's
just that's the relationship that.
Speaker 1 (01:14:46):
We have, though, because our intimacy is intact, right, Okay.
Speaker 2 (01:14:49):
So I would have whatever prepped for you to come
home so that we can have dinner that you just caught,
which I would appreciate.
Speaker 1 (01:14:59):
What I bring it to the house, you bring it
to the table.
Speaker 2 (01:15:01):
Yeah, but I don't see the point in getting hung
up and frustrated he's dirty in the kitchen I just cleaned. Well,
you know, he was going fishing.
Speaker 1 (01:15:08):
A lot of people in the chat are saying that
you just clean. You take care of your fish lake side.
It's easier. Yeah, you are also giving back to the
environment because there's a lot of animals out there that
will eat that shit, the skin and everything. So like, absolutely,
if you're gonna, you know, gut your fish, you should
do it, not at your house. But there's also a
reality of being able to use a lot of that
shit for bait later.
Speaker 2 (01:15:27):
So yeah, anyways, continuing, he will also leave all of
the tools he used to clean the fish dirty in
the sink. A few years ago, I got him this
really nice fish cleaning table. It folds up and has
a sink in it that you can just hook up
to your water hose and the faucet runs like any
other and you just put a bucket under to catch
the water from the drain.
Speaker 1 (01:15:47):
Damn.
Speaker 2 (01:15:48):
I thought maybe he would get the hint and start
using that instead. What do you mean, maybe get the hint? No,
that would be a regular conversation. Okay, so I want
to pause there again. I don't buy things for my
husband and just leave it out in the hope and
open in hopes that he's going to catch the hint,
right that I want him to use the product. I
ordered all of us those African sponge nets or even
(01:16:09):
the children. I was like, we are not gonna be
filtering in this househole, we are not going to stink.
We are an exfoliate. And I sent you a photo
and I was like, you need to use this to
exfoliate your skin to deal with what you got going on.
Speaker 1 (01:16:22):
Guess who didn't use that while he's in the shower
this morning. I believe it bar soap on the hand.
Speaker 2 (01:16:27):
I'm gonna I'm gonna start watching you in the shower.
Speaker 1 (01:16:29):
And then when I'm done cleaning my entire body, I
then washed the hand. I have calluses on there at
exfoliate's I got fingernails on there. I don't need a washrag,
a loofer or any other that bullshit.
Speaker 2 (01:16:38):
You do, I don't you do. Nope, Yeah, I get it.
Ivy the sigh that she just let out. It's so funny,
Jenny said. And this is why I said, keep reading
she tried that. Yeah, Well she didn't. She didn't give
the effect of yeah, she bought it in hopes, right,
she bought it and hope that he would catch the
hint of it. Yeah, I would stop you at the door.
(01:17:01):
You're not coming in here with that fish. I bought
you that table for a reason. Go out there and
deal with it. Yeah, love you, Thank you for catching dinner.
You're so sexy when you provide for us closing the door.
Speaker 1 (01:17:11):
Yeah, conversations have to happen, you know. Jenny said, I
had the same face and everything made the same reaction
as Peaches made the same face and everything.
Speaker 2 (01:17:20):
I thought, maybe, continuing in the email, I thought maybe
he would get the hint and start using that instead.
He used it once. He was cleaning out the garage
the other day and I saw it and reminded him
that he had it, and he said, it's easier for
me to do it in the kitchen. So, okay, what
are you going to say.
Speaker 1 (01:17:34):
There's a reason that it's easier to do in the kitchen.
There's still something missing that's in the kitchen. Maybe it's
air conditioning, right, but they're tools, knives, whatever, whatever he's
doing that's making it easier in the kitchen. Maybe that's
just his routine. Yeah, having a conversation about the table
and how you don't like it and finding a way
to like compromise is where it needs to be. That's
what I was going to say.
Speaker 2 (01:17:54):
I was also going to say that I understand that
it's easier for you. Something being easier for you makes
my life ten times harder, right, And that also needs
to be a conversation, and.
Speaker 1 (01:18:04):
It's not a bad conversation to have. No.
Speaker 2 (01:18:06):
I love that you go fishing and you're able to
enjoy some quiet time with yourself or buddies if he
does that. I love that you enjoy processing the fish,
and you're doing the hunter thing and primal providing for
me as your woman and the kids, and I love
all of it. My life is very hard. I deal
with our son twenty four to seven. Our house is
(01:18:27):
falling apart, and I'm trying my best to make sure
it's a home for us. And when there's a dead
fish in the sink and it stinks up the house
and there's guts everywhere and there's dirty tools in the sink,
it stresses me out. I bought you the table so
that it can be processed outside. You can still have
alone time. Whatever we can do to make it easier,
just as easy in the kitchen it can be at
(01:18:47):
this table. We can make it happen.
Speaker 1 (01:18:50):
Danny said, maybe it's her. Maybe he just wants to
spend more time with her and as close as he
can get safely. It's a good I mean, that's a
good thing too. You never know, Shailas said. Or maybe
he would have to clean the table and in the
kitchen the wife does. That's also a good point. If
she's running around cleaning up after him, of course, it's
fucking easier. He doesn't have to pick up after himself.
That's a great point. Clean Up matters like your your
(01:19:10):
ability to safely quickly just be done when you're done
doing the thing that you enjoy. You know.
Speaker 2 (01:19:15):
Yeah, this whole fish processing is a very It's a
few conversations. This isn't something the hold resentment over. You
shouldn't be hating your husband. A few simple conversations of
what can we do to make make this a good
situation for the both of us, Because I don't want
you to stop fishing. I love that you have quality
time with yourself and all of those kinds of things.
And then how can we also continue to make my
(01:19:38):
life easy on those days?
Speaker 1 (01:19:39):
Right? Okay, Jenna said, I would turn it into a
bonding thing. I'll get the table set of outside and
you can teach me how to get some fish. Yeah,
this really does come down to the way that you
guys view your situation.
Speaker 2 (01:19:52):
All right, continuing, he interrupts me constantly, and I'll usually
forget what I was saying by the time he finishes
with his interjection.
Speaker 1 (01:20:00):
I do that speeches all the time. Yeah, she does
it to me too, though, like that's normal life.
Speaker 2 (01:20:04):
Shit, it's extreme. Like I'll literally be in the middle
of telling him something and did you feed the cats? Yes?
I did, And I will attempt to continue with the story,
and then he will say, did you remember to order
that thing on Amazon? Yes, babe, it should be here tomorrow.
And I will attempt to continue, can you wash my
hoodie before work tomorrow? And by the time I usually
(01:20:25):
just give up, he will ask what were you saying?
But I usually just say nothing or never mind.
Speaker 1 (01:20:30):
So you've trained him that he can interrupt you like this,
change the topic, and eventually you'll quit. That's what that is.
When I interrupt you, it's because we're having a conversation,
and you do the same to me, Like we're excited
and we want to get you know, we're talking that
we want to talk. It's fucking normal. Yeah, it's annoying,
it's far fucking frustrating sometimes, especially in conflict, it's really frustrating.
(01:20:51):
That's not the same thing. No, that's that's a look
at over here so that we don't have to focus
over here, slight of hand smoke and mirrors kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (01:20:59):
Welso, what kind of story? What are you telling? Are
you trying to talk about? I woke up this morning
and there was a lady book on the windowsill, and
then our son threw a fit and all the other
kinds of things. If it's there are certain things about
my husband life that I don't need to know. I've
seen you wash your ass. You don't have to give
me a play by a play on how that works out, right, Yep,
So I think what you're trying to talk about matters.
(01:21:22):
You just said that you were trying to tell a story.
I tell our children all the time. This doesn't sound
like a real Is this your imagination? Are you just
telling me a story right now? Or are you trying
to talk about your day? And I think that having
a conversation of it in the middle of him interrupting,
I'm not going to answer that question right now. Right
I'm trying to have an intimate moment with you, get
you caught up on my day, or tell you something
that I was intrigued about, and then when I'm done
(01:21:43):
with the story, we can have a Q and a Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:21:46):
She's putting in a request for connection by whatever she's
trying to talk about. Its assuming is a story, because
that's how she worded it. Yeah, it's so different than
the kids. When the kids are telling you about their
crazy dreams or whatever made up make belief thing they're
talking about, it's just a request for connection. Right, you
have to obviously ascertain like that's a lie. Blah blah blah.
They're just so disconnected they are.
Speaker 2 (01:22:03):
I also wouldn't give up on telling the story. I'm
going to continue telling this. I'm that kind of person.
I Am not going to silence myself because I was
interrupted four times.
Speaker 1 (01:22:12):
Right, she's been trained to do that though, Right, And
I'm assuming the first time it happened was out of frustration,
but it worked and then it became habitual. Yeah, something
like that. That'd be like, Hey, I'm trying to tell
you something right now. I'll answer all your questions. We
can have all these conversations afterwards, but I want to
finish stand what I have to say, because I haven't
had an adult to talk to all day. Now at
your home, I want to fuck talk to my husband. Yeah,
(01:22:33):
I'm not your Amazon order, I'm not your I need
to clean your clothing. I'm your wife. All those things
that I do for you, I do because I love
you and because we have a connection. And right now
I don't feel connected.
Speaker 2 (01:22:43):
Yeah, continuing, but usually but I usually just say nothing
or never mind. Nothing or never mind will sometimes piss
them off too. You will get frustrated with me that
I didn't like being repeatedly interrupted, and I'm being unreasonable.
I can't speak up for myself. Like I said earlier,
the only time we ever argue is when I have
spoken up for myself. It always goes the same way.
I will say something about something he had said or done,
(01:23:06):
and he will either tell me that I took it
the wrong way or will deny he had done it
at all. He will then retreat to the bedroom to
ignore me for a little while, and then will come
to me later and apologize. And again, once he apologize
that it's ober and cannot be further discussed because he
already apologized.
Speaker 1 (01:23:20):
This is abuse. This is this is by definition abuse.
There's no change action, so the apologies are nothing more
than manipulation to smooth things out so that he can
go about the rest of his day. This this, this
actually sounds like narcissism. And you know, you guys know
how I feel about that fucking word. I've been trying
really hard not to say that, but when you read
this email the way that she's laying it out, it
does sound like there's narcissism here. Yeah, everything revolves around
(01:23:42):
his needs, his once and and his day. Everything beyond
that is secondary. And if that's the case, you're not
married to you don't have a partner like you're you're
married legally, you're not working as a team. There's a partnership.
Your needs don't matter. It's his. I also don't like
that shit. If you if you need to further resolution,
or you need understanding or validation, that's the conversation after
the story has happened. We cannot discuss it further because
(01:24:03):
he already apologized. No, we can discuss it further because
even though you've apologized, I don't feel validated. I need
you to understand why I feel the way, and if
you can tell me that we can move fuck on,
but I need changed action too. Apologies don't make the
pain go away, and you can't expect an apology to
make the pain go away. If you need to vent
and dump on him because you're angry and frustrated right now,
(01:24:24):
that's you problem. What's that going to solve other than
creating more fights. You should be grateful that he came
out and to apologize. Make sure that you're validated and
truly understands, and be like, Okay, I appreciate your apology,
and I would like to see changed behavior now. And
if he doesn't change his behavior when it happens again,
you can be like, Okay, the last time you apologize,
you said there would be changed behavior. There is not
change behavior right right. Your apologies mean nothing to me.
Speaker 2 (01:24:45):
Now I'm gonna play devil's advocate.
Speaker 1 (01:24:47):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (01:24:48):
When you are approaching him with things that he's done wrong,
are you attacking and blaming? She said she has borderline?
Speaker 1 (01:24:53):
What you always you never right.
Speaker 2 (01:24:55):
She said that she has either borderline or bipolar. I
will say something about something he said or done, and
he will either tell me that I took it the
wrong way, or will deny that he had done it
at all. Did you take it the wrong way? Are
you reading between the lines to hurt your own feelings?
Did it not actually happen? There was a recorded moment
where my husband believed that we were in a fight,
and he watched it back and it was all made
(01:25:16):
up in his head.
Speaker 1 (01:25:17):
Yeah, that was one of the hardest things that I've
ever been through my life.
Speaker 2 (01:25:20):
It's reality shattering.
Speaker 1 (01:25:21):
It is because your reality isn't fucking real anymore. You
want to talk about feeling crazy and you people talk
about all you were gaslighted. I was this. I was
that when you record yourself like we do, and you
think that you're fucking in it and you watch it
back and it's not at all the way that you
thought it was going in your head, your reality doesn't
exist anymore. This is a hard email because you're seeing
a situation where there's two people living, existing together that
(01:25:43):
are both not getting their needs met right, And even
if he is a narcissist and he's manipulating to do
the things that narcissists do, he's still not getting his
needs met because he's unhappy, right. And she's made that
very clear about how fucking miserable, he is continuing.
Speaker 2 (01:25:57):
Yeah, most of the time, I don't say anything at
all because I I would just I would rather just
leave it be than have the same argument. What do
you mean the same argument? But you guys are just
fighting about this. You guys are in gridlock. You're having
a perpetual fight about something. Okay. I am a buddy
more than a wife. My husband has never been the
most romantical person. His love language has always been providing,
while mine has always been words of affirmation. So providing
(01:26:19):
is not a love language. Acts of service is well.
Speaker 1 (01:26:22):
I mean in terms of him working and doing what
he's doing that would technically be viewed as an active service, right.
Speaker 2 (01:26:27):
I don't know why, but I love a good compliment
when I have worked hard to complete something. And this
is something my husband just doesn't understand. Example, the other morning,
we were talking while I was making breakfast, and the
conversation was going really well. He was actually in a
good mood. He was talking about someone on TV being
a good woman, and I said, and yes, I was
totally fishing for a compliment. Am I a good woman, babe,
to which he answered, I guess you're all right. I
(01:26:49):
didn't respond, and he said what And I said, oh, nothing.
You just missed the chance to just now to say
something really sweet and you fumbled it.
Speaker 1 (01:26:56):
What if he was being honest, right, and you just
made his honesty a hard conversation.
Speaker 2 (01:27:00):
So he's being honest. You guys are not in the
best place right now at all with your relationship. I
don't fish for compliments. I directly ask you, do I
still do the things that make you feel fulfilled? Am
I still a good woman to you? Would you have
rather that he lied to you?
Speaker 1 (01:27:13):
She was looking for a compliment, right, But do.
Speaker 2 (01:27:15):
You want that compliment to be false?
Speaker 1 (01:27:17):
Right?
Speaker 2 (01:27:17):
I don't want you to say things just to inflate
my ego.
Speaker 1 (01:27:20):
So the reality there is in that situation, she shouldn't
be looking for a compliment in that aspect, if you
were confident in your abilities, you don't need a compliment.
Speaker 2 (01:27:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (01:27:27):
But if in the event that you ask something like
that and he says, uh, I'm you know, Oh you're
all right, Well, now's a great time to do a
check in, right, Well, if I'm only all right, what
can I do to make what can I do to
be a better spouse?
Speaker 2 (01:27:38):
Like?
Speaker 1 (01:27:38):
That's that's the whole foundation of all of this. Yeah,
that would have been a great time to be like, hey,
I got this piece of paper. Yeah, he's in your
lap for a minute. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:27:45):
I didn't respond and he said what and I said,
oh nothing. You just missed the chance just now to
say something really sweet and you fumbled it. My response
would have been, what about me? Just makes me all right? Right?
That hurt my feelings a little bit. I was expecting
a different response. Why do you feel that way? So
this isn't about your guys' relationships. This is literally just
about you and your ego being inflated a little bit.
Speaker 1 (01:28:05):
I would leave I would leave that that hurt my
feelings a little bit out until after the conversation was done. Yeah,
what can I do to make it better? We'll make
it so that there's even though there is hurt, it's
not thrown in the face that there is hurt. Yeah,
And then after the conversation has had be like, I
just I'm gonna have to process this a little bit
because that absolutely hurt my feelings. So I appreciate you
being honest with me a little bit, but I'm gonna
have to lick that wound for a little while. Yeah, Yeah,
(01:28:27):
I wonder I wonder what he really wanted to say there, right,
because that sounds like a very like I can't believe
she just asked me that question.
Speaker 2 (01:28:33):
He was in a good mood, He was actually in
a good mood, or however she phrased that. And she
has described him to be an absolutely miserable ooze of
a person. So instead of fishing for a compliment, Babe,
I can tell you're in a good mood today. That
makes me feel good. I'm glad you're having a good day.
What can I do to make your day better? All
of this feels like desperation.
Speaker 1 (01:28:50):
They're miserable.
Speaker 2 (01:28:51):
Yeah. His response was, well, I'll give you something really
sweet tonight, baby. Yeah, I'll take phrases that make me
drier than the Sahara desert for five hundred dollars. That
brings us to sex when we are having the issues.
Earlier in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once
a month. And one thing I changed when we first
started working on our marriage was sex. For a while,
we were having sex daily, and then it went to
(01:29:13):
every other day, then a few times a week, and
now it's about once a week. This is honestly too
much for me at the current moment. I don't know
if it's the pre menopause or just pure exhaustion, but
I cannot remember the last time I genuinely wanted to
have sex like at all.
Speaker 1 (01:29:27):
So one the pause after the desert for five hundred
Alex was palpable from both of us because we were
both like, we're just going to keep going. Yeah, a
whole lot we could go on about there, but that
I'm willing to bet that, even though she thinks that
it could be pre menopause and all the shit, that
if she had somebody that she was genuinely connected to,
she wasn't married and got into the dating game and
met somebody knew, I'm willing to bet that sex will
(01:29:47):
start all over again. That would go completely at the window.
The reality is that you guys are disconnected. That's the answer.
There's no intimacy and you're disconnected. You guys don't like
each other right now. You might be trying to find
a way back, but sometimes you don't like your person.
This is one of those times where you guys allowed
this to get too far apart that your marriage is
fucked up and this is all there is to that. Yeah,
don't blame your hormones. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy.
Speaker 2 (01:30:09):
Right.
Speaker 1 (01:30:09):
She just said that the sex once a week is
too much for her. Yeah, milliing in to bed, it
feels like a chore. You're probably doing it out of obligation,
or because you don't want him to start looking elsewhere,
because you don't want to shut him down, whatever the
case may be. Like, you guys are fucking like seriously disconnected. Yeah,
and it's not just his fault, No, it's not, it's
both of them.
Speaker 2 (01:30:28):
Yeah, continuing, It's always good once we get into it,
and I never regret it afterwards. But when I know
he wants it, it's just yet another thing I have
to do before I go to bed. I get maybe
an hour and a half to two hours a night
after my son goes to bed to actually do something
I want to do, and sex just isn't something I
want to do. Like ever, when we do, it's strictly
because he wants it. I have tried to tell him
(01:30:49):
that sex is completely different for women than men. A
woman's greatest sexual organ is her brain, and it's really
hard to get into that, into the necessary mindset when
your partner has been stomping around all night acting like
you're the most annoying being to ever exist.
Speaker 1 (01:31:02):
I fucking agree with that, but that's not any different
from men to women. That's the thing for everyone. Nobody
wants to fucking feel like they're forced to do the deed.
Speaker 2 (01:31:10):
Everyone wants to feel appreciated, right, wanted and loved. Continuing,
I believe he has low testosterone and have asked him
multiple times to go and get it checked because all
of the things he complains about could be all stemming
from low T and he won't. His words are I
ain't no bitch, I don't need that shit. And Babe,
something is asterisk that I worked with has to go
and get injections twice a week and he can't ever stop.
Speaker 1 (01:31:34):
It's probably they probably asterist to name gotcha. But so
there's a truth to that, and that once you get
on testosterone replacement therapy, it is an all the time thing. Yeah,
but it doesn't make you a bitch to need testosterone.
Would you say that a woman who has a hysterectomy
that no longer produces estrogen the way that our body's
supposed to do to produce estrogen is a weak, like
pathetic creature. Your testosterone is not being produced properly. That
(01:31:57):
is a genetic defect. It has nothing to do with
your toughness. Guy, you're fucking moron. Do some research, like,
I fucking hate that shit. If you if you have
low testosterone, or you think you have low testosterone and
you don't get it checked, you're an idiot. Yeah, because
getting your testosterone backup to where it was when you
were a teenager is the most incredible thing on the
fucking world. If it wasn't for my back pain, I'd
(01:32:17):
be fucking double in my doses and going back to
the gym because I'm overweight. I'm out of fucking shape
right now. I can't breathe, and all the issues that
I was having is gone, minus my back pain. If
they were If my doctor was like, the most we
can have your testosterone is hit two thousand milligrams every
time we test. I want it at two thousand milligrams doctor,
not one nine nine nine two thousand. I don't want
(01:32:38):
some par I don't want mediocre. I don't care if
I'm in the mid range where it's okay. I want
the best. My body's an engine peak performance. Let's go right, doc,
house House. How unsafe would it be to put me
at four thousand? Would it kill me? No? And I
only got to be at two thousand when I get
my labs done. How long does it take for that
to go to normal? A week? Two? Two weeks? Dope
Internet four thousand, I'm above average?
Speaker 2 (01:32:59):
Yeah, no health.
Speaker 1 (01:33:00):
Risks, Let's go may. Maybe I don't know all right,
but that's the way that I view that. You guys,
I understand getting stuck. There are times that, like you
remind me right before we go to bed, I'm like,
I'm not doing that right before I go to bed.
There's also times that you remind me doing the day
and I'm like, fuck, I need do that. Okay, let's
go do it. I don't know. Nobody wants to get stuck.
This shit sucks. It's not like the worst pain in
the world. You don't know if you're gonna get a cough,
you don't know if you're gonna nod up. You don't know,
(01:33:22):
like if the stick is gonna burn. It's a mild
inconvenience in the grand scheme of your life. I will
take that little five minutes of discomfort or the cough,
which is the worst thing ever when you're going through
it to feel like a normal human being again. I
don't know if we're still sponsored by Matrix Hormones. I
meant to ask Brandon about that. Probably should text him
right now while I'm thinking about it. But you guys,
if we are still sponsoring by Matrix Hormones, there is
(01:33:42):
a drop down menu on their website that'll save you
some money if you go and actually do that. Let
me reach out to him real quick.
Speaker 2 (01:33:47):
I think he believes that what he does is more
important than what I do because it results in tangible money,
unlike what I do. Anytime we argue, the first thing
he will throw at me is how hard he works.
I say I'm tired, he will try to one up
me by bring up that he's tired too, because he's
been working all day. I literally do everything other than
bringing in money. There aren't pink job and blue jobs
in our house. He makes the money. I do everything else.
(01:34:09):
I would love it if I never had to worry
about putting gas in my car, or getting the oil changed,
or taking out the trash. I usually do this because
he complains if he walks into the house and the
trash is full.
Speaker 1 (01:34:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (01:34:20):
I was even mowing the yard for a few years,
but I just told him I couldn't do it anymore
because it was making my chronic pain in my backwards.
My husband has dyslexia, so I always handled all of
the financial stuff.
Speaker 1 (01:34:29):
That's why I'm not taking those tests he has. He's dyslexic.
That's why he's not taking those tests to become a
subcontractor or a contractor. Those tests are hard as fuck,
Like you have to really be able to read the
and like understand and if he struggles reading that, that's
the reason he's not taking those tests. There's the answer
right there. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:34:44):
I am a huge nerd and creating a number of
spreadsheet is always a good time for me. I am
not over exaggerating any of this. If it doesn't have
to do with bringing in a paycheck, I do it.
He has had to start bathing our son at night
as he has started to hit puberty, and I don't
feel it appropriate for me to continue to do He
gets frustrated about having to do it almost every night,
and there are still nights when I do it just
(01:35:04):
to not have to deal with him being pissed off.
So you said, when you guys had intimacy and you
were able to do date nights and all of these
other kinds of things, you guys were doing great. You
also said, in the beginning of the relationship there were issues.
So did you get with a really shitty man or
has there been a catalyst for his behavior to change,
like a lack of intimacy between the two of you, guys,
you can still have intimacy without going on date nights. Yeah,
you have an hour and a half to two hours
(01:35:26):
every single night between your son going to bed and
you going to bed. You guys can do something together
at home.
Speaker 1 (01:35:30):
Yeah, this is two people stuck in misery. Yeah, and
she keeps saying that it's him, that's misery. It's him.
It's miserable. He's miserable. He's miserable. He's miserable. Well she
is too. She's fucking clearly laid it out, like, Yeah,
somebody in the chat said, my man is twenty six
and the doctor said, why do I need to get
his testosterone checked? And she said because Chris said so. Yeah, guys,
there's nothing wrong with if your doctor says I won't
do your labs. Go to lab Core, fill it out
(01:35:53):
sixty bucks, seventy bucks, or whatever it is to get
your labs done. At least at that point you have
a record to show in case your shit ever drops.
You should have a right to your fucking health. Your
doctor can't tell you no on these things. You can
skirt them. There are other ways of getting your labs done.
Speaker 2 (01:36:06):
This guy getting upset that he has to bathe his
own disabled son needs to get the fuck over it.
I agree, this is your life, bro. You decided to
lay with this woman, you got married to her, you
moved in together after ten months. Is this not the
ideal life? No? If I had an option between the
life that I'm living and living this, I'm gonna choose
my life.
Speaker 1 (01:36:24):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (01:36:24):
Sometimes you adult hands that you don't get a choice.
Speaker 1 (01:36:27):
From, right, but doesn't mean that you can't make the
best of it. Right.
Speaker 2 (01:36:30):
I hate to say, suck it up, hold me, but
you gotta fucking suck it up a little bit.
Speaker 1 (01:36:33):
We Jeff and Angie have a child that is nonverbal,
extreme autistic like that who I think is ten or eleven,
twelve years old at this point, like he's getting up
there in age. Yes, I would never expect to hear
them argue and fight the way that this is happening.
Oh no, because Jeff loves Angie. Yeah, like he would
burn the fucking world down for her. And that's the difference.
When you love your person and you're happy, everything changes.
(01:36:56):
And you know what, I put it that way, because
even if you don't like the fact that your kid
is autistic, the reality is that sucks. Right. And if
you're somebody who is like, this is not what I
expected dad, being a dad to be like, it doesn't
mean that that's not what your fucking life is like now, right.
But if you love your woman and you realize that
doing the things that you think sucks ass is going
to make your woman happy, you do the fucking thing
to make your woman happy.
Speaker 2 (01:37:17):
You love the child you brought into the world. Right, continuing,
I talk about him being pissed off or frustrated, and
I realize you don't know what that looks like. Well,
it's hard to explain. It's just his entire being, his vibe.
The only word that comes to mind is misery, just
abject misery. He is defeated. He is always a victim
to the unfairness of life wallowing in his self pity,
and he regularly laments his responsibility to me and our children.
(01:37:40):
I quite literally feel like I single handedly ruined his life,
and I feel that way because of things he has
said in the past. He stops around slams cabinets while
muttering under his breath. If someone does something wrong, he
wants to make sure we acknowledge our fault in the situation.
But when he does something, we are not supposed to
say anything. A good example would be me coming home
to something broken. If anyone other than him broke it,
(01:38:01):
he is going to tell me immediately. However, if he
is at fault, he won't say anything at all. When
I finally ask him about it, he will act as
if he doesn't know anything about it.
Speaker 1 (01:38:09):
This dude's a piece of shit.
Speaker 2 (01:38:10):
He really is a piece of shit. My god, This
is not a man. This is a child.
Speaker 1 (01:38:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:38:14):
He claims to be stressed out because of work. Surprise,
and okay, I want to pause there. That's valid work,
especially if he's not enjoying it is a very valid
reason to be stressed out.
Speaker 1 (01:38:25):
This this is one of those things that like, this
is a trapped situation, right, they have this this child
at twelve years old is needs a constant caretaker. So
unless they have some sort of insurance or government aid
that's going to pay her to be at home full
time to allow her to do that leaving, unfortunately, it's
not really a fucking option, right, Like, this is one
of those true I'm trapped situations. Unless she's got family
(01:38:47):
that's willing to let her live in their house to
take care of this child, like this is a This
is a hard fucking situation. I don't envy her at all.
I don't envy him either, you know what I mean?
This is one of those things where I do believe
that both of them are fucking unhappy, and she's just
pointing all the fingers and making herself soundly she's done
nothing wrong when in the reality is if you put
a camera in that room, you would see two very
different conversations.
Speaker 2 (01:39:07):
Yes, so he claims to be stressed out because of
work and worrying about me being alone with our son
and potentially getting hurt. I believe this to an extent,
and the worry would be endearing if he wasn't constantly
making me feel like shit.
Speaker 1 (01:39:18):
So you're negating his emotions and all of that, right,
and then you wonder why he's angry all the time.
You guys fucking need to learn how to talk to
each other. Dude.
Speaker 2 (01:39:25):
Yeah, you know, I don't believe that she's innocent in
any of this. And the big indicator to me is
that she gets pissed off about cleaning the kitchen knowing
that he's going to come home with a fish, and
then getting mad that the kitchen's dirty again. Yeah, that
lack of situational awareness shows me that there are issues
being created on both ends that can be easily resolved
if the hate and resentment towards one another could be removed.
Speaker 1 (01:39:45):
This is one of those things too that I would
like to point out that when it comes down to
all of this, this is not a you're right and
he's wrong. This is us calling out all the things
that we're seen wrong so that you can try to
figure out how to fix your life. Right. We're not
blaming you. We're not saying that you're the problem. We're
not saying he's the problem. That's not what we do.
And when people we get a lot of people who
are like, all you guys do is ever take the
man's side. No, that's what that clip looks like. If
(01:40:07):
you watch the entire podcast, what we're doing is talking
to the email or. You can't change your person, right,
but you can change you. And if we can find
a chink in your armor that you can weld and fix,
fix the shit right beyond that, we don't know what
to tell you, because you can't make somebody do what
they don't want to do. And if your relationship is
fucked up, you're responsible for your half of that relationship
and you can try to do everything in your power
(01:40:27):
to make it right. And you can be the perfect
fucking partner, you might not be the perfect partner for them.
And when you realize that, because you've become that perfect
partner and you feel like you've done all you can
and they haven't changed, it's time to move on. That
needs to be a clip that's put on TikTok.
Speaker 2 (01:40:40):
Yeah, continuing, I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm
so incredibly burned out, and i feel like all I
do is give. Marriage is supposed to be a team sport,
Yes it is. We're supposed to put one another first
and then together provide for our children. The problem is
that I am always putting him in his feelings and
his wants first, as I'm supposed to all. He puts
himself and his wants first, and so no one is
(01:41:02):
worried about me and.
Speaker 1 (01:41:03):
The slightest, then you're in the wrong marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:41:05):
I'm also gonna call bullshit on that, because if he
was only worried about himself and his wants, he wouldn't
be able to go to church on Sundays.
Speaker 1 (01:41:10):
Right, Well, I mean I can, I can double advocate that. Okay,
what if he's only letting her go because he doesn't
want to hear her mouth? If she doesn't four hours
of discomfort, to let me go hang out my room
and play video games all day while she takes care
of the kid is way better than me being out
here all day fucking being miserable doing the thing. Yeah right,
So like in that situation, it could be a that
could be a self serving scenario if he is the
(01:41:33):
way that she's pitched like pointing him out to be,
I'm willing to put money on that's exactly what. Yeah,
that is.
Speaker 2 (01:41:38):
So there's a lot it is continuing. I am frantically
trying to be present for everyone, and I always end
up coming in dead last. Let me be clear, I
do not have a problem performing all of the duties
that I do. It is the life that God chose
for me to live, and I will do it to
the best of my abilities until the day he calls
me home. I would just like to be appreciated by
the person who was supposed to be my biggest support.
So I want to pause. There. You said the one
(01:42:00):
year anniversary of your mother's passing, he did not support you.
So were you fantasizing about what he could be for you?
Or were you actually seeing who he is for you?
Speaker 1 (01:42:11):
Right? That's good point. I forgot all about.
Speaker 2 (01:42:12):
That, right. So if he has never been your biggest support,
I think it's unrealistic to expect him to be continuing.
Speaker 1 (01:42:19):
Oh, hold on, this is what I was thinking, and
I wasn't gonna say it. I was just gonna let
us go because we almost o't with email at this
point in your life, Emailer, even if he completely changed,
how hard would it be for you to let go
of everything that's happened this entire time?
Speaker 2 (01:42:31):
Would you be able to forgive him?
Speaker 1 (01:42:32):
Would you be able to forgive him? And would you
be able to learn how to communicate moving forward and
somehow build a better future for yourself. Right, do you
believe that he's capable of changing enough to give you
the future that you want? And if not, this isn't
for you. So all there is to that now working
around the disabled child and trying to figure out your
(01:42:52):
life beyond that as a whole other fucking mess. But
starting with the I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm going to take actions to change my life. That's
where you need to start.
Speaker 2 (01:43:01):
Janeja said. I think the mom thing was the previous
email to thank you one. If that was that null
and voice everything I just said about this email.
Speaker 1 (01:43:07):
It might might have been. Yeah, it was. It was
the last email. It's all blending into one fucking thing
at this point. Good call out, Jenny, love the accountability.
Thank you for that. You guys get a catching doing
the thing while we're doing our thing. I love our
community me too. We were on twelve right eleven.
Speaker 2 (01:43:22):
Would I like it if he would take initiative and
start doing some of the jobs that are more suited
to the maculine masculine sex. Absolutely, But I'm not going
to let that make me bitter. I think you're already bitter.
Speaker 1 (01:43:32):
I was gonna say that, I was gonna say that.
Speaker 2 (01:43:35):
This whole email has tasted like ninety percent cacao with
no sugar.
Speaker 1 (01:43:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:43:39):
I'm a strong woman. I have been through and put
up with a lot in my lifetime, and I don't
plan on giving up anytime soon, especially when it comes
to my family. I will never give up on my husband.
What worries me is wondering what is going to be
left of me when I can finally let go of
some of the things I'm currently carrying. What is it
that I want? I want my husband to give me
the grace I give him. I need him to acknowledge
(01:44:00):
and show appreciation for what I do, even though it
doesn't provide financially. And most of all, I want him
to allow me to be his peace. But I cannot
be the one he unloads all of his pent up
rage and frustration on.
Speaker 1 (01:44:10):
Have you said this to him because you just typed
all this shit out? Does he know where? Like, have
you guys had these conversations right, because that's a hell
of a way to start a fucking check in Yep.
Speaker 2 (01:44:19):
So she said, I want him to allow me to
be his peace. So if you have borderline personality disorder,
and you have not been his piece up until this point.
He probably feels like he has to armor himself against you.
Speaker 1 (01:44:31):
I would agree with that.
Speaker 2 (01:44:32):
So how are you going to show him that you
can be the piece? You know, there was no description
of what conversations look like when you try to call
him out on the things that have hurt you, because
if you're blaming and attacking versus I didn't like how
that made me feel. He still has to armour up
against you.
Speaker 1 (01:44:46):
Well, and that's what I was saying earlier, Milia. Bet
there's a whole other side of this that we've seen.
Speaker 2 (01:44:50):
I know he feels safe with me, and I truly
love that, but I just can't do it anymore. I
need him to realize I'm always putting him first while
he is simultaneously putting himself first, and that means that
I come first to no one.
Speaker 1 (01:45:01):
That's a fair statement. If it's true, right, even go ahead,
you can go no. You were thinking, go, I was
gonna say something, but is it gone? Yeah, even if
it's not true. And that's how you feel, and you
believe that to be a valid feeling, which it's how
you feel it is valid. That's the conversation that needs
to be had, regardless of how you see the situation. Husband,
I feel like my priorities I'm not a priority. I
(01:45:22):
feel like I'm last in this marriage and we should
be working as a team. And I know that you
may not be trying to make me feel that way,
but these actions have made me feel that way. What
can we do to correct this problem? I do think
that this dude is a narcissist. I'm not diagnosing him.
Maybe he's not actually like to that degree. Maybe this
is purely the way that she's painting the picture, but
I think that on a level here he is. Self
(01:45:43):
preservation is at a high, and when you do that,
that is narcissism. You're looking out for self. That is
a degree of narcissistic personality. It's not a disorder, right,
it's not to an extreme, but that is part of it.
I really wish that he would have sent in an
email or we could hear his side of the story,
because I'm willing to bet his side is very different.
Oh yeah, and I'm not saying that she's wrong for
(01:46:03):
feeling the way that she feels. I just don't think
that we're getting all this story.
Speaker 2 (01:46:06):
I agree with that, Okay, continuing, I want him to
value my mental health as I value his and take
it to heart when I tell him that his behavior
is toxic to everyone in our home and is slowly
destroying the progress I've been able to make within myself. Right,
I don't know what to say to him because every
scenario I come up with ends the same way. I
don't know what to say to him because every scenario
I come up with ends the same way in a
(01:46:28):
blowout fight and a meaningless apology that just means the
subject cannot be revisited at a later date. I need help.
Thank you for taking the time to read the novella
I am submitting, and believe it or not, I think
this may be the old maybe the one I actually send.
If there is any context missing that you would like
clarity on, please reach out. I'm just really holding on
by a thread here. I know I don't exactly make
(01:46:49):
my husband sound the best in this email, and that
is because I really need the help and can't continue
to view things through rose colored glasses. But my husband
is truly an amazing person who has been through a
lot in his life. He does not sound like an
amazing person.
Speaker 1 (01:47:01):
No, not by the way you laid it out. You
absolute made him sound like a fucking.
Speaker 2 (01:47:04):
Monster, like a piece of shit.
Speaker 1 (01:47:05):
Yeah, made it sound like taking care of his disabled
child as an inconvenience to his fucking life. Right. Yeah,
this is one of the harder emails that we've gotten
in quite a while. Like, this is not an easy email,
it's not easy to read. This doesn't feel good. No,
And there's not a whole lot of advice that we
can give.
Speaker 2 (01:47:20):
Here, right, continuing, But he was there for me and
stood by my side through the hardest time of my life,
and I will always do the same for him. If
someone walks away, it's going to have to be him.
Why So, there's absolutely nothing that we can say to
make you put yourself first. You had a motorcycle accident
and you said you thought someone wiping your ass mint
that you had to spend the rest of your life
(01:47:41):
with them. Yeah, that's just human love.
Speaker 1 (01:47:43):
That's not what it felt like.
Speaker 2 (01:47:45):
Right. But from an outside perspective, RNs white asses all
the time. There are people who work in hospice who
help people bathe themselves, and there is no romantic involvement.
There's no familial ties. They do that from the goodness
of their heart. He was there for you through one
of the heart as times of your life, and that's fantastic.
I'm glad that you had somebody there to support you,
who helped you cope with something that was devastating. That
(01:48:07):
doesn't mean you have to put up with absolutely horrid treatment.
And you make it sound like you're just absolutely being
abused by this man. He is my soulmate. Your soulmate
would not treat you this way.
Speaker 1 (01:48:17):
I agree with that.
Speaker 2 (01:48:18):
Your soulmate would not make you feel like you are
less than, or you're inadequate or not appreciated.
Speaker 1 (01:48:22):
Your soulmate sees you right. We have a very different
understanding of that than most people ever will because of
our experiences psychedelics. Yeah, but when I tell you, like
when we've gone through things and I can see you,
I see you, I see all of your trauma, all
of your ugly your self doubt, your insecurities. I can
tell when you're off. I can tell when things are
said that are not meant to hurt you hurt you.
We have conversations about it afterwards. I know, like I'm
(01:48:45):
so fucking in tune. And I don't think it's a
soulmate thing. I think there's a soul bond there. I don't.
This does not sound like soulmate shit to me.
Speaker 2 (01:48:53):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (01:48:54):
If your person doesn't see you when you when they
come home and see your struggles in your hardship and
the exhaustion and on your face and give you a
hug and empathize with you, they're not seeing you. You're
not their soulmate. You guys are existing together. There's a
fucking difference there. When you're not okay, I'm not okay.
If I call you on the phone and your tone
feels off, my fucking day is ruined. I don't even
know what's going on yet. Like it might be something
(01:49:15):
I can fix, it might not be something I can fix.
But right now you're not okay, and that's not okay. Yeah,
that's some soulmate shit, right.
Speaker 2 (01:49:21):
I can tell when something's not right with you.
Speaker 1 (01:49:23):
But the way you breathe, yeah, I know you do.
I know you can. But see, that's that's the point.
You see me, right? Wish everybody could experience that shit
just once. It changes everything.
Speaker 2 (01:49:31):
Yeah, continuing, I just think the hand we've been dealt
is especially hard for him. He is torn between being
away fifty to sixty hours a week to provide and
the fear I know he has every day when he
walks out the door. Okay, so I'm gonna pause there.
You're you just negated yourself from earlier in your email
because you said you don't fully believe that he worries
about your safety because of how he treats you and
the things that have been said. So you either know
(01:49:52):
that he cares and it is worried about you. And
what's gonna happen if your son has a meltdown or
you're in limbo because of the things that he says
and the way that he treats I don't know. Continuing,
we have a crisis coordinator on speed dial for the
inevitable day that a meltdown cannot be contained, when he
becomes so violent that he's going to cause actual harm
to someone or himself. Someone want to pause there as well.
(01:50:13):
Actual harm has already been done. You said he body
slammed you into a coffee table.
Speaker 1 (01:50:17):
About the kid, right right, A lot, there's a whole
lot of.
Speaker 2 (01:50:20):
He's broken your skin. Actual harm has already happened. Extreme
actual harm like broken bones or trying to choke you
out till you come unconscious. That that's extreme harm. Now,
if that's what you're referring to, I can see that.
But actual harm has already been caused. Continuing that is
the shadow that looms over us every single day, the
(01:50:43):
shadow of having to drive away from a facility and
not having our baby boy with us. We need to
be stronger as a couple if we are going to
be able to survive that. We're going to have to
have each other. If it were to happen tomorrow, I
fear we wouldn't make it at all. He would eventually
begin to blame and resent me.
Speaker 1 (01:50:58):
Don't do you believe that? I don't think that's true
based off the.
Speaker 2 (01:51:02):
I don't know. She painted him out to be a
real piece of shit, right, I'm.
Speaker 1 (01:51:05):
Willing to bet from his standard, if they didn't have
to take care of the twelve year old autistic kid,
his life would improve. Yeah, and that's a hard thing
to say, but that's the picture she painted. I'm willing
to bet she'd have a much harder time with it
than he does. I agree, and I'm not saying that
he doesn't love his kid, but dealing with a child
that's that extreme and loving them is not the same thing.
You can love them while they're in a fucking home
for people that can actually deal with that better than
(01:51:25):
she can, or they have men who can fucking stop
him from being violent and beating up his mother who's
fucking got a bad back and can't walk properly. Right, Like, Yeah,
that the the fear of going to work and not
having to worry about coming home to a woman who
has had her head banged off the coffee table laying
on the floor bleeding to death, that alone would be
enough peace of mind to consider putting that kid in
(01:51:46):
a home for me, real shit, like the moment that
he put his hands on you, knowing that he's autistic
and I'm not there to do anything about it, that
would be the very first conversation. He's now violent. There's
nothing that I can do to help you because I'm
not here and we don't have the tools to deal
with this. We need to find a professional.
Speaker 2 (01:52:02):
Yeah, I agree with that, and it's not an easy
decision to make. It's a devastating one. It's heartbreaking. That's
that's not the route anybody would logically want to go through,
not logically emotionally.
Speaker 1 (01:52:14):
Yep, you know. I think people are so afraid of
having these conversations because of the way it's going to
be perceived. Right now, there's a whole lot of maybe
he resent me, or maybe I wouldn't be able to
live with this, and no, da da da dah, because
you're not being honest with themselves here. Many times I've
looked at you and said some shit I don't want
to say. It happens all the time, and afterwards I'm like,
I really don't have this conversation. There's been times I've
actually said that to you. But you need to know
da da da da da da da da And I'm
(01:52:34):
working through it. Sorry if you think less of me
right like, there's nothing I can say or do about that.
You and I are in it to win it, which
means you have to experience my ugly when I'm experiencing
my uglya so you know where the fuck I'm at.
Speaker 2 (01:52:44):
Continuing, he would eventually begin to blame and resent me.
I wouldn't be able to handle that and my son
being away, I will break and I've worked too hard
to break. I need him to do the work just
like I did. He was enough to make me want
to change, and I want to be enough to make
him want to change.
Speaker 1 (01:53:00):
Do you hear how crazy that sounds? After everything was
just laid out right, Where was he enough to make
you want to change in all of this?
Speaker 2 (01:53:06):
Maybe during COVID?
Speaker 1 (01:53:07):
She said, if it were to happen tomorrow, I feel
like we wouldn't I fear we wouldn't make it. He
would eventually begin to blame me and resent me, and
I wouldn't be able to handle that and my son
being away. Would you be able to handle your son
being away without the resentment that comes from your husband?
Because you too, need to have a conversation if you
are both afraid of your child's son or the child
in this that's twelve years old and severely autistic and violent,
and you are physically in cape incapable, you have back
(01:53:31):
injuries that prevent me from moving properly, and the kid
has already fucked you up.
Speaker 2 (01:53:35):
This is her nerve damage.
Speaker 1 (01:53:36):
This is a very real, fucking conversation that needs to
be had. Yes, this is a lot I would like
I would have really liked to have heard his side
of the story because there's I believe there's so much
that's left on.
Speaker 2 (01:53:47):
I agree with her being as bogged down as she is.
I don't believe that every conversation you initiate is polite
and not blaming and non attacking and all these other
kinds of things.
Speaker 1 (01:53:57):
Well, yeah, I mean, just stating that she has borderline
would make me believe that.
Speaker 2 (01:54:01):
I don't believe everything that you do helps him feel
appreciated and like he matters and that he's seen. So
I definitely think that there is a lot left out.
You have change, but that doesn't mean that you're done.
Every day is a new opportunity to do something better.
There were things that I did yesterday that I can
do better today, absolutely, and there are going to be
things done today that I can do better tomorrow. I
(01:54:22):
am never one hundred percent done going through my metamorphos.
I am not perfection, and neither is this emailer.
Speaker 1 (01:54:28):
I also want to touch on the borderline thing real quick.
When you have high levels of stress, poor diet, emotional insecurity,
or emotional lack of emotional safety, and you are emotionally high,
your borderline is through the fucking roof every red fucking
alarm in your brain is going off and you're just
going with the flow of all of the chaos because
(01:54:50):
you can't regulate at that point. So all of that,
if that's the case, while all of this is happening,
is making all of that shit worse. Right, Yeah, I
don't have anything. We've been going. This is the longest.
We're two and a half hours, and this is the
longest podcast we've recorded in probably a year. Yeah, I
think we should wrap up, call it a day, because
it's time to go get the kids. And Yeah, I
(01:55:10):
would like to run home and drop the van off
and drop me off to pick up our van, so
we could quickly wrap up and go. But I do
want to get this episode out earlier, So I think
I'm gonna message Zach if he's not in the chat
and ask him to edit this sooner or put it
at a priority, and we'll get it aired before twenty nine.
So even though we started this episode at twenty nine,
just know that we're moving some shit around now. Maybe
we'll just release it as a bonus episode to not
fuck up our cue, but we'll figure that out. Do
(01:55:32):
you have anything you want to add to any of this? No,
I feel really bad for this whole situation. Me too,
both the mom and the dad and this everybody involved. Yeah,
this is terrible. I couldn't imagine being either of them.
I feel like I really can't even give sound advice
because there was so much left out of this email.
Speaker 2 (01:55:48):
She really did paint him as the bad guy in
this He's a monster, right, And I just I don't
believe that to be the case.
Speaker 1 (01:55:55):
Well, she said that she changed for him. It can't
be the case. You're right, there's so much shit missing.
Speaker 2 (01:56:00):
Right, you're ready to go?
Speaker 1 (01:56:05):
I am clearly. Hey, guys, we have couples of retreats.
As I knocked my little sign over. We thought we
were clever by putting these in the shots so that
we don't have to talk about it, and they've become
more of a nuisance than a benefit because the time constantly,
fucking constantly. Let's go. Okay, guys, remember you were the
author of your own life, So grab a pen and
we will see you on the next one.
Speaker 2 (01:56:25):
Bye, guys,