Disclaimer: We are not professionals. This podcast is opinioned based and from life experience. This is for entertainment purposes only. Opinions helped by our guests may not reflect our own. But we love a good conversation.
In this 2 Be Better Podcast episode, Chris and Peaches kick things off with updates on their upcoming December 5–8 coed couples retreat, breaking down details on bunks, private rooms, who can come solo, and why these weekends are so powerful for couples and individuals who want real relationship growth. Then they dive straight into part two of a heavy email from a wife in a long term marriage, struggling with BPD, emotional safety, and a husband who refuses to change because “this is who I was when we got married.” They walk through her written letter, line by line, unpacking abandonment triggers, preloading divorce conversations, the difference between repair and resolution, and how to phrase “I” and “we” language so you are fighting for the relationship instead of fighting each other. If you are in a mentally exhausting marriage where every argument gets turned back on you, you feel like you are doing all the emotional work, or your healing journey is not supported by your spouse, this episode will feel painfully familiar and give you a clearer framework for what healthy communication and real change should look like.
From there, they expose the darker side of a husband who openly says he will not evolve, threatens to weaponize the kids in a divorce, and treats his wife as a conversational enemy while she tries to get her BPD into remission and protect her mental health. Chris and Peaches talk hard truths about when it is time to leave, what it actually means to be “too different,” why you cannot raise your husband like a toddler, and why real partnership requires both people to grow, not just the one with a diagnosis. They also respond to a separate email about a boyfriend constantly commenting on other women’s bodies, celebrity crushes, and homemade porn in relationships, giving straight talk on lusting after others while in a relationship, self pleasure, and why “hall passes” and “it is just a movie” slowly destroy self esteem and intimacy. If you are craving blunt marriage advice, BPD relationship insight, and no nonsense coaching on emotional safety, porn, and standards in your relationship, this video will give you language, clarity, and the permission to stop settling.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/2-be-better--5828421/support.
In this 2 Be Better Podcast episode, Chris and Peaches kick things off with updates on their upcoming December 5–8 coed couples retreat, breaking down details on bunks, private rooms, who can come solo, and why these weekends are so powerful for couples and individuals who want real relationship growth. Then they dive straight into part two of a heavy email from a wife in a long term marriage, struggling with BPD, emotional safety, and a husband who refuses to change because “this is who I was when we got married.” They walk through her written letter, line by line, unpacking abandonment triggers, preloading divorce conversations, the difference between repair and resolution, and how to phrase “I” and “we” language so you are fighting for the relationship instead of fighting each other. If you are in a mentally exhausting marriage where every argument gets turned back on you, you feel like you are doing all the emotional work, or your healing journey is not supported by your spouse, this episode will feel painfully familiar and give you a clearer framework for what healthy communication and real change should look like.
From there, they expose the darker side of a husband who openly says he will not evolve, threatens to weaponize the kids in a divorce, and treats his wife as a conversational enemy while she tries to get her BPD into remission and protect her mental health. Chris and Peaches talk hard truths about when it is time to leave, what it actually means to be “too different,” why you cannot raise your husband like a toddler, and why real partnership requires both people to grow, not just the one with a diagnosis. They also respond to a separate email about a boyfriend constantly commenting on other women’s bodies, celebrity crushes, and homemade porn in relationships, giving straight talk on lusting after others while in a relationship, self pleasure, and why “hall passes” and “it is just a movie” slowly destroy self esteem and intimacy. If you are craving blunt marriage advice, BPD relationship insight, and no nonsense coaching on emotional safety, porn, and standards in your relationship, this video will give you language, clarity, and the permission to stop settling.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/2-be-better--5828421/support.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Look up with come all the things on the bottom.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Oh oh wow, it's you. You're my favorite view. But
that's nothing, and we are back.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Welcome back, bumble bitches.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Uh Friday content the part two of whatever we did
earlier today. Yes, we had cern collider conversation about possible
copied universe theory. That was a whole lot of fun
that went on for like fifteen minutes. We recapped North
Carolina retreat, which we won't be doing this time. However,
we will be talking about the one that's coming up
in December in a few minutes. Yeah. I took a nap.
(00:48):
It was fucking glorious when I tell you guys that
this last week and kicked my ass earlier for those
of you who were back from Patreon, it fucking wrecked me.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Yeah, this is all I'm doing today.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
I went to Walwall Yeah, yep, I.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Picked this up lunch and we're recording.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Lazy. Yeah. It's phenomenal.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
I need to recoup.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Yeah. So for those of you who were not here
earlier today, we are doing another couple's retreat in December.
December is the fifth through the eighth. There are still
some spots left. It is a couple slash co ed retreat.
There are four bunks for men, five bucks bunks for women,
(01:30):
and then some private rooms for couples. We will be
doing pretty much everything that we just did at the
last retreat at the next retreat, but we will be
including people who are not in relationships, just because people
would still find a whole lot of value in the
conversations being had. You'll still get a whole lot of
group information. The only thing that you won't get from
that is the one on one coaching unless we have
(01:51):
the time to do it. It doesn't mean that you
won't get one on time with us, one on one
time with us. It just means that you won't get
the coaching aspect right because of the time restraints for
the weekend. However, you were going to have a good
time if you go, because we have yet to have
a bad one when we do these things.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I agree, I agree.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
I know that every time we do these back to
back recording there's not a whole lot to talk about
before we get into the emails. I think we should, Oh,
you guys something.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
I have a question. Okay, So I was thinking about
this past retreat and how the cooking situation was going
for the women's retreat. Are we door dashing two meals
Saturday and Sunday?
Speaker 2 (02:29):
We can door dash every meal? I so that'll make
you happy, Okay, I know the women want some cook
time with you though.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Yes, I do have some meal prep provided by buff
Bell that we're going to do. Okay, I'm very concervative.
It took a lot of time to cook.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
For fourteen oh yes, big meals.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
So cooking for thirty people, I don't want to waste
you know, four hours in the morning. Yeah, making sure
everybody's fed when that could be dedicated to problem solving
or whatever.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
I agree. Well, you got to keep in mind too
that the women's it's in Kassimi, Orlando area, so there's
gonna be a whole lot of food that can be
doordashed super saying like we can do ramen one night.
There's a lot that's out there wonderful, So I can
do that shit for sure. Danielle said, what about someone
whose partner may not want to go? That's where the
women's bunks come into play.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
I was also gonna touch on that if anybody wants
to come and your partner doesn't want to and you
feel like this will be beneficial for you. There's a
bunk for you.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Absolutely, it's too late to do it for this one,
but moving forward, we need to be able to do
certain discount codes for these things to knock money off
of some of the higher tier groups that we have.
I didn't think about that, but it would make sense.
That's a good idea. Yeah, okay, you can get into it.
(03:49):
Let's let's just get right back into it. You guys
want to look at the retreat thing. It's on two
be beetter dot com. It went live today. I do
believe there's two rooms left, two private rooms left, and
then the bonks.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
So a little recap of last week's episode. The first
part of this, we kind of got a run down
about how the emailer feels about the reception or treatment
from their partner. Does not paint him in a good lights, No,
does not make him look like a good dude. There
(04:23):
was a lot of energy put into the fact that
they are on their own healing journey, the emailer and
they are. They can look back and see noticeable differences
in the way they handle situations. I want to say.
The emailer said, they feel like their their borderline is
starting to go into remission.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Yep, okay.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
There was an example given about a conversation between the
emailer and her husband that was sparked by a conversation
that the emailer was having with the sister in law
husband's sister. That conversation looked combative. It looked like there
was resentment, talking about birthday party with a step dad,
(05:08):
a little bit of biting back and forth with were
sarcastic comments, nipping at each other's heels, and it ended
with the email of crying. Husband comes into the room.
There's physical contact. He asks rough day, She said more
than that or something along those lines.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Real quick pause. Tiffany asks if there's if the bunk
beds are big enough for two girls to split a
bunk bed. We're not doing that on this one. If
you were, if you were wanting to split a room
with somebody, it has to be the full room, not bunks.
It's not an option. So there is one bed in
there that would technically fit two people because it's not
a bunk bed, it's a queen's size bed in a
room with two bunk beds, but that's not getting split.
(05:49):
We're not doing that. So we did all out for
the women's retreat because of the amount of rooms that
we got. But that's happened.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Yeah. Oh. The response was, it's much more than that.
He pulled back, said, Okay, went to the bathroom, and
then they kind of separated until child's nap. So now
here we are, it's nap time. We're going to continue
the email.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Okay, it's nap time.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
And daughter chose a solo activity downstairs, and we ended
up back in our bedroom. I said, hey, can we
talk about earlier and he said sure. I explained I
typed something up and he said oh, and said he
can pause me if need be. I'll include that below
before we jump into this. How how do we feel
about typing things out and reading.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
I think it's a beneficial tool, beneficiabole tool for people
if they need it. There's I'm a huge fucking fan
of journaling. I think that having a really messy, chaotic
emotional mindset can be very problematic for people, and in
the situations like this one where I think that they're
content contempt between both of them and their saying hurtful
(07:01):
shit to dig at each other because of past transgressions.
Being able to write everything down take some time to
cool off, reread it, adjust it. Take some more time
to cool off, reread it, adjust it. By the time
you get to your final draft, you will have a
very polished, refined Yeah. Thing to talk about reality is
(07:25):
most people are gonna angry type and then read that
shit later, and that's not the move. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
So my goal when I'm emotional brain and I write
things out, I want it to go from being a
novel to like a paragraph that may be a little
bit extreme, but I do want to try to condense
it down as much as I can to where it
will be going from me reading a novel and taking
up two hours of our day to a quick fifteen
(07:50):
thirty minute conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Well, the less emotional you are, the easier that becomes.
You know you and you can see it like you
can see it at the couples retreat. The more emotional,
the more emotionally charged the topic was, the more filler
got put into things. Yes, there's a whole lot of
times over the weekend they were like, wait, that's irrelevant,
we don't need that. Like it's like the Minority Report
(08:12):
where they swipe things off the screen in front of
them while he's moving on that shit. Yeah, we felt like.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
Ready to get into it. Yep, about earlier. I think
we're at a crossroads now, and we've been circling the
same patterns for so long that I'm scared we can't
break them, and I want, but I want to try. Okay,
I'm gonna read through the whole thing and then we
can break it down.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
My brain went don Dawn, Tom Yeah, okay, okay.
Speaker 3 (08:37):
July's constant arguments really left my heart bruised. So this
week I tried being more emotionally pulled back, trying to
process and give room for change. But each day has
gotten harder and harder, with a lot of tears. I
love you so much, and that's and that makes this harder.
When I bring things up, be it emotional or a
point of conflict, I usually end up feeling misunderstood, dismissed,
(08:59):
or like I have to defend my feelings. I like
that sounds.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Yeah, it's still going. It's gonna rain like a motherfucker tonight. Yep.
It's good because our water catch needs to be refilled.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Yes, it does. I usually end up feeling misunderstood, dismissed,
or like I have to defend my feelings. It turns
into a fight against each other instead of a conversation
with each other. Each time this happens, I have to
force myself into positive thinking. I try to change and
improve myself each time, hoping something I do will stick
and finally bring peace. But I realize I can't keep
(09:36):
doing that alone. Without a direct repair conversation with you
where I feel heard and like we stand together and
solving the problem, I can't do it anymore. I need
your help.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Okay, there's a difference between this is mis quoting the
podcast we are. Repair conversation and getting to resolution is
not the same thing. Yes, and she's sounds like she
needs resolution.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Repair is fixing things after conflict. Right, it's the touches,
It's the I love yous, It's the deep you know,
look in the eyes. I love you. I'm not going anywhere.
It's the kisses. Is there anything can I do for you?
Because I don't want to have a bad day with you? Right,
Repair can look like a lot of things. Resolution, I
guess could maybe fall into that category.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
It's always steps for me.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
Yeah, Like there's the first three minutes where things can
either be brought back or it's going to become a
full fledged argument. Then there's the actual disruption, then there
is the resolution, and then there's the repair.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
Yeah, okay, I agree with that.
Speaker 3 (10:40):
I agree with your statement too that I agree. I
feel like there needs to be a resolution conversation on
a repair conversation, uh to finish what was she had
written up and read to him that said, I am
also scared that we are just too different. Maybe you
don't want to do this, and that's fair either way.
I need us to have the conversation of where to
(11:00):
go from here, and it says endscript.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Yeah, this is a lot of it. Sounds like this
is preloading a divorce conversation.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Yes, okay, So I'm going to read this. So she
has it in like little paragraphs. I'm I'm going to
read it per paragraph, and if you want to say something,
we can pause.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
So this letter starts with about earlier. I think we're
at a crossroads now and we've been circling the same
patterns for so long that I'm scared we can't break them,
but I want to try. There's no right I'm on
the receiving end of this. That first part, there is
no clarification in that for me on what we're talking
about right now, because I've already said earlier that this
(11:45):
wasn't a miscommunication. For me, this just played out the
way that it played out. In my mind. It came
across as picking a fight the way that that was
laid out in the email. So that's how I'm going
to run with it in this made up scenario. So,
like I said, there's no clear what are we talking
about right now? We already disagreed that it wasn't a
(12:07):
miscommunication earlier when you believe it was one the We've
been circling that the same patterns for so long that
I'm scared we can't break them. But I want to
try that. Right there, my abandonment kicks in.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yeah, it would mean it would for me too. Yeah,
because it sounds like this is the beginning of a
divorce conversation.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Yes, So a way that I would phrase that is
earlier when I said that I felt like we were
having a miscommunication. I feel like that's a repetitive pattern
for us, and I would like to break down what
happened with you and try to see each other's perspectives.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Yep, Now we're problem solving.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Yeah, right, because if I felt like it was a
miscommunication and you disagree with that, a reality is aren't
lining upright. Julia's constant arguments really left my heart bruised.
So this week I tried being more emotionally pulled back,
trying to process and give room for change. But each
day has gotten harder and harder, with lots of tears.
(13:14):
I love you so much and that makes this harder.
So just that last sentence, I love you so much
and that makes this harder, my abandonment kicks in.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Aa yeah, still perpetuating that I'm leaving.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
Yes, And this is just based off of the pin
prick of the reality that she's feeding to us through
her cognitive bias of what's actually happening in her life.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Right.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
So July's constant arguments really left my heart bruised. So
this week I'm being more emotionally pulled back. I think
that it's good to give explanation of withdrawal. It's noticed
in a relationship if you are usually you know, touching
(13:58):
your husband's back or giving them kisses as you walk
by him, whatever the case may be, in that stops.
That's not a oh I'm slick, he doesn't think anything's
going on. I'm going to talk on the elephant in
the room. So I agree with touching on being more
emotionally pulled back. Nobody enjoys arguing, right, even the people
(14:22):
who use it as a form of control or to
feed into their maybe trauma responses. That's the only way
they know how to process something. Even that, I don't
think they enjoy the process of arguing. How it makes
them feel. That's why there's panic reactions and crying and
all that. So I am going to touch on that
(14:45):
that sucks for both of us too, because this isn't
our relationship, even if it's coming to an end, is
not about me. Our relationships about us. So I would
have phrased that differently, including that July has been a
hard month for our marriage and because of that, I
(15:05):
recognize that I have withdrawn emotionally and that hasn't made
the situation better.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Is that it fuels fire?
Speaker 3 (15:14):
Yeah, anything you want to add to that. When I
bring things up, be it emotional or a point of conflict,
I usually end up being misunderstood, dismissed, or like I
have to defend my feelings. It turns into a fight
against each other instead of a conversation with each other.
Do you want to touch on that?
Speaker 2 (15:35):
No, I mean, just based off of the way that
this letter's going, in the way that the conversation went
between the two of them, A lot of that is her.
I believe that. Yeah, But again, we also don't have
any other examples other than that one example. But if
that one example from her standpoint is the way the
conversations are supposed to be me and had, it's no
wonder that there's conflict, right.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
I agree. I agree with that. I don't have anything
to add to that.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Each time this happens, I have to force myself into
positive thinking. I try to change and improve myself each time,
hoping something I do will stick and finally bring peace.
But I realize I can't keep doing that alone. Without
a direct repair conversation with you where I feel heard
and like we stand together and solving the problem, I
can't do it anymore. I need your help.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
I think that they both have to change, But other
than that, I've got nothing on that.
Speaker 3 (16:27):
Okay, I do.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
I don't like the idea of one person in a
relationship feeling like they are solely the problem. And they
are the one who has to conform and manipulate who
they are to become this thing their partner believes they
should be, or what they believe their partner believes they
should be. Because it's a whole lot of this ain't
gonna work.
Speaker 3 (16:47):
Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. That said, I am
also scared that we are just too different. Maybe you
don't want to do this, and that's fair either way.
I need us to have the conversation of where to
go from here. So that last We have read a
lot of books about marriage and communication, and a lot
(17:12):
of those books have the same advice given that there
are some things in your marriage that don't have to
be said, especially if it's going to fracture trust, damage
the other person emotionally or mentally, and usually it's things
that are said out of frustration or resentment contempt. Those
(17:37):
are the like the silent fuck us that we let
die inside of us versus allowing it to poison the relationship.
That's how this last part comes across to me. That said,
I'm also scared that we are just too different. My
abandonment's kicking already, so that's adding to it. Maybe you
don't want to do this, and that's fair. Don't tell
(17:59):
me how I feel, and don't tell me how I
don't feel. He walked into the room and acted physical touch.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
What he tried to repair the situation?
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Right? Well, what is the word? It's not enacted?
Speaker 2 (18:12):
He I don't know where you're going.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
Something with physical touch. He touched her, He engaged with her, Yes,
he engaged physical touch. Either way. I need us to
have the conversation of where to go from here, so
that that makes it about you initiated, initiated physical touch,
engaged initiated I mean, you know, initiated physical touch.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
A very long delay between us talking and that coming through,
so you know.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
You're doing great. I understand that there has been years
of you guys just cycling back and forth on all
of all of this that we've laid out. If you
truly want to repair this, reach resolution and repair what's
(19:10):
going on, this has to come from eye and become us.
How are we going to heal from this?
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Right?
Speaker 3 (19:16):
What are the things that we can do for each
other to repair the trust or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
It's important that you keep that we ours, you know,
the the joint life conversation in all of this because
when you become I and you, it does remove that
even further. And with the way that she's worded a
lot of this and it feeling like the prep for
a divorced conversation. Yes, the eyes and ewes instead of
weez and hours adds to that. That's the passive conversation
(19:43):
that your brain will pick homp on that may not
even be intentional.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Right, husband, I'm husband, and I watched Grandma Grandma's Boy
the other day. I can't remember if I already talked
about this on the podcast or not, but that robot guy.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
JP or whatever.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
I've I did not recognize that that was one of
my things.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Talking like a robot, talking like a robot and like
moving it does.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
I'm not as excessive as he is.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Well, you don't talk like a robot. You sing things
I do.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
But I was like, oh my gosh, I'm him. I
felt more more personally attacked by the hippie guy. Yeah
we should watch another stupid movie tonight.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Yeah we can. Yeah, Jenna said Intergalactic Physical Touch Robot Dance.
And I saw it and she saw me see it
because in my head I was singing intergalactic planetary beastie boys.
She caught me. Sorry, Chris, I can see you sing
it in your head. Now, that's funny. You're right. You
(20:55):
don't have to call me on it, but you're right.
Speaker 3 (20:57):
Okay, are you ready to continue? We're at the end,
and now we're going to continue on with his reaction conversation.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Let's go.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
He didn't pause me during it, and I had to
freestyle the rest, trying to hit on the main arcs
of the unhealthy communication that I'm tired of that I
have pointed out in the moment.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Even so, wait a minute, you wrote the intro to
your letter with nothing and then ad libbed and then
just fucking ran with it emotionally afterwards.
Speaker 3 (21:25):
Yeah, that's a problem, right, So all, okay, I thought
that was it. I thought those were your points. I
would have not read any of that to happen.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
But we don't know what it was said after that
now either, Right, So she ad libbed and ran through shit,
and now we're going to get his reaction to what happened.
So now we have unknown conversation, we have unknown dialect.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
And his reaction is going to be what.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Tone inflection, right, and then it's going to be his
response to the situation.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
So knowing that there were bullet points and specifics of
what you don't enjoy about the relationship. After the the
intro monologue, this is like I used to do this shit.
I would be up at three o'clock in the morning
typing a novel on the phone and I'm like, yeah,
this is great, and then I can run with that
(22:18):
and I'll remember this point and I can hit that,
and this is how that feels to me. Like, right
reading this, I'm starting to be like, yep, that's that's
my anxiety, that's the panic, that's whatever, whatever is making
my nervous system feel jittery on my bones right now.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
How often does past you fu future you by not
making enough notes? And that's star because I still do
that in my notes on my documents on my phone.
Oh yeah, I'm like, I just wrote this. This doesn't
make any fucking sense, right, It didn't trigger that thought.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Yeah, But now I if I come to my husband
with something, if I have to really sit down and
write out a note and refine it and go back
and do all of these things, I am not going
to intro monologue the bullet points I have to give
to my husband, I'm thinking about leaving. I'm having a
hard time with our marriage. Whatever the negative things are
(23:11):
that you feel like you need to get off your
chest to be validated in the moment will come from
the conversation that you're trying to have about resolving the
things you don't enjoy in the relationship. Right continuing, Yep,
I was detailed like I have been here. I explained
that I feel like I'm not enough because he is
so frequently annoyed at me for seemingly nothing, or pinning
(23:31):
things on my cycle, or just me being too sensitive.
So I'm gonna be honest with the example that was
given earlier. You were annoyed at him trying to help
with the birthday planning for the stepdad that came across
from me and reading that. I don't know if you
picked up annoyance in her responses, pinning things on my cycle,
(23:52):
or just me being too sensitive. You cried about the
fact that he disagreed that what you guys just had
wasn't a miscommunication.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
I don't agree, like she said earlier in the email
that her BPD is in remission, I am. I don't
believe that.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
I agree. I agree it quickly became a back and
forth that was so dense and loaded that I didn't
have the line by line memory of what each of
us had said and in what order. So I will
list out different things each of us said throughout it,
trying to capture as much of the timeline and any
quotes that I can remember. He got defensive at first
(24:26):
and said I was threatening him. He said it was ridiculous,
slash not right, that I want him to change beyond
who he was when we got married. That was all
in quotes.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
That's a problem for me. Yeah, I don't give a
fuck what's being said. That alone is a problem for me.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
Yes, just that stand alone sentence.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
You should be changing and involving regardless of who you
were when you got married. You guys got married seven
fucking years ago. Are you saying that in seven years
you haven't evolved or changed at all?
Speaker 3 (24:56):
Right?
Speaker 2 (24:57):
If so, what are you doing in life? Why are
you living? I was a very different person seven years ago.
I was a different person six months ago. Yeah, right,
Like new data, new information, new fucking enjoyments, new kinks unlocked. Right,
Like there's a whole lot of cool shit that happens
in life. Like are you not paying attention? Are all
(25:18):
you all you're doing is working to death? Like? How
are you not changing who you were when you got married?
That mindset is toxic as fuck.
Speaker 3 (25:27):
I concur doctor.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
I don't get it. You don't get what that mindset
though not changing, that's actually a lie. I do get
it that that's that you got what you've gotten me.
This is just who I am. You need to accept it.
That's very different than you know it's it's that's not
what he said. He said that I shouldn't have to
(25:53):
change who I am being that this is you married, right,
But you are basically saying you got what you got
and I'm not willing to change. I'm not willing to
become a better man for you. I'm not willing to
do other things to enhance our relationship. This is no
different than the men or women who refuse to do
the check ins, who refuse to listen to a podcast
or read a book that could make your marriage better.
(26:16):
You just don't give a fuck enough about to make
the change. That's all there is to that. You don't
have to like what we're doing. I don't like we
listened to some weird wizard of Oz shit yesterday, Wizard
of Oz shit that you were into, and like, I
played the entire thing through. It wasn't my jam. But
if we were in the car again, you were like,
I want to listen to this, we'd play it. Sometimes
(26:37):
it's not about you, homie. Sometimes you have to realize
that there's a whole other universe sitting next to you,
and you have to do things that you're not going
to enjoy. To see a motherfucker smile or to watch
them sing the Wizard of Oz while you're driving down
the road in the rain at ninety miles an hour
in a giant fucking van.
Speaker 3 (26:58):
Yeah, I was a little ancients about that. I'm not
gonna lie the rain. You're driving ninety miles an hour
in it. And I was like, my husband got this.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
I did. I did have it, had no problems with it.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
I'm scared he's not. We're good, Jenna. That's exactly what
happens in my brain. I have to think about being
sexy in order to try and stick the landing, but
I always fumble because fuck, if.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
It makes you feel any better, the fumbles is cute
as fuck. It not sexy, but cute ast fuck it's
still it's still in the realm. If that's my wife
over there. Yeah, I thoroughly enjoy it. Yeah, especially when
we get to laugh about it afterwards. Nice because now
you're getting to drink, you know, the whole comedy thing
for you.
Speaker 3 (27:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Like, I'm not faking my laughter, it's genuine. So we're
checking all kinds of boxes over here.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Yeah, we are. I do mail being sexy sometimes.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
All the time. Okay, yeah, no, not all the time.
That's false. That's false statement, Like ninety eight percent of
the time. It's when you try to like say some
shit that it failed.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do that to me, all right, continuing, Yes,
just because I think I'm broken and have been changing
doesn't mean he thinks he is broken or needs to change.
At first, he said he didn't want to do it,
and I gave space for that. I said, I get it.
I feel like how I feel, and you feel how
(28:21):
you feel, and if you don't want to work on
these things with me, then I will not stay. He
asserted that I was threatening him. I said, this is
not a threat. Do you think I'm bluffing? And he
said no, I'm taking you very seriously right now, he
got up and paced a bit. He was very frustrated.
Things got quiet, and I was feeling, unsurprisingly crushed. I said,
(28:44):
is this really it? And he said, you tell me,
And I said that he wasn't willing to work with
me on the stuff that I would have to protect
my heart and call it. He sat back down and said,
I'm not going to be the one to end it.
That's a choice you'll have to make, and if that
ends up happening, you'll be the one telling the kids.
And if they asked me what happened, I'll say you
(29:04):
left me. I asked, what if they ask why, he said,
I'll tell them it's because you wanted me to change
from who I was when we got married, that it
stopped being enough for you. I don't know why you
married me if you weren't okay with who I am.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
I would love to have that conversation with your kids.
Go ahead and tell them that, and then tell them
to send us an email so that I can tell
them how fucking wrong it is for you to be
like that. Everything that you think you know in your
twenties is not factual. By the time you turn thirty.
You were supposed to evolve right. So, instead of being
(29:41):
a man and trying to correct the problems, you're now
looking for your wife to give you the out that
you're craving. Then be the bad guy to your kids,
and then use the conversation in a manipulative way to
turn her against, turning the children against her, to make
you look like you're not a fuck up. Where's your accountability?
How about you have failed your wife because regardless of
(30:04):
what's actually going on here, she has requested change in
your relationship to repair things, and you have told her no. Yep,
that's the reality of the conversation. Yeah that see how
differently that's worded versus she expected me to change and
I ain't doing that. She asked you to meet her halfway,
(30:27):
and it was too much work for you to do,
and you decided that your marriage was not worth it,
that your household with your children involved, was not worth
saving because you don't want to do it. I am
now aggravated. You got it on the first email, I
got the second first half, I got it on the
second half. That shit infuriates the fuck out of me. Man.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Yeah, I don't know why you married me if you
weren't okay, with who I am.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
She wasn't expecting to be stuck in the mud for
the last decade. Bro.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Yeah, he said, I'm not going to be the one
to end this, but if you do, I'm gonna weaponize
the children. What a pussy. Yeah, that's abusive to use
a woman's children against her in that manner, knowing that
those relationships are some of the most important to her,
(31:22):
using that she's not happy in the marriage as something
to demonize her in front of the children. Your mom's
the reason that we're not together anymore. Your mom's the
reason we have a broken household.
Speaker 2 (31:34):
Yeah. He's also trying to guilt Tripper into staying and
accepting his shitty behavior.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
Yeah, so at this point me healed and grown Now,
I wouldn't continue this conversation. You don't want to be
the one to make the call. I will go ahead
and do that. Yep, I'm done. You don't want to change,
You don't think you need to. When the kids are
old enough to have conversations about this with them, I
will if they want to believe you. I can't control that.
(32:00):
I'm not gonna live my life this way.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Yep. Sometimes you gotta put yourself first. I'm gonna touch
real quick on the VPD remission thing. If she's healing
and she's actively trying, and she's getting better with her BPD,
and she's not having freakouts or splitting or any of
the things that was happening before, but she's still being
overly emotional and still having the abandonment and all the
(32:25):
things that I do believe she's still having. You will
not go into like full remission healing in a situation
like this because you're not with somebody that's going to
facilitate the healing process. When you decide to marry somebody,
you become one flesh, so the other half of your
(32:45):
flesh still has to operate in a healing manner. This
doesn't mean that they can repair you. It just means
that there they are providing enough positive atmosphere for you
to grow in there, creating enough sunlight with some shades
so there's enough photosynthesis, but not burning the leaves right
(33:07):
right like, there has to be some sort of of
combined efforts. If you really do want to get past
the BPD and you want to make sure that you're
healing and becoming involving more than you are, you will
have to remove yourself from the situation, and that's the
reality of it.
Speaker 3 (33:21):
That is true. I agree with that this triggered my
defense got that this triggered my defensiveness. I said. Our
relationship has a lot more hurt over the years, on
both sides, and I know more of it was caused
by me. My own unchecked mental health made me aware
(33:42):
of how to put into words what I was feeling
and experiencing in the last two years. I've been bringing
this stuff directly in the moment. I've been bringing this
stuff up directly in the moment, and it keeps getting
pushed off as being my problem or that I'm just
making mountains out of mo holes. But I am tired
of things going like this. We go in waves of
(34:04):
fighting and being okay, and it's not all my fault.
I need your help in order to fix this between us.
I don't feel emotionally safe with you, and it breaks
my heart. I want us to be able to make
things better, and if you don't want to be a
part of that, tell me.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
I love everything she said there.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
Yeah, that was good.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
That's one of those things that like that sounds like
I just can't do this anymore. And I'm going to
put myself first. Well, yeah, I love that. That was good.
That was really well put.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
Other things he said was that maybe I should get
back into therapy, or maybe this is coming up because
I stopped consuming THHC since July fourteenth, or because the
new medication I started on July seventeenth for ADHD the
non stimulant makes me sleepy at night. I do not
feel like any of these things is to blame. It's
(34:53):
poor communication and one sided emotional effort.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
But if they were to blame, he has done nothing
to help you through your shit. Every time one of
us is quit doing something or implemented some sort of
new thing. Speaking of what you have to play your
hand pan tonight. We support each other. We do. I
don't understand how you can just get mad and like,
(35:18):
I don't know, I just don't get it. I really
don't get it. And him saying that she needs maybe
she needs to go to therapy, and maybe it's this,
and maybe it's that, maybe it's this, that maybe you
need to go back to therapy. You want me to
go back to therapy because of the way that you're
treating me.
Speaker 3 (35:33):
Right right, raise your hand if you hear the manipulation.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
Yeah, he said.
Speaker 3 (35:39):
I was asking him to change in vague ways and
needed more specifics. I explained that I've been calling out
the patterns mid argument for years now, and even across
all of July's arguments. So from my understanding, the example
that was given was one of your guys's arguments that
happened in front of the sister, because you provide that
(36:00):
at the show that she's present when these things happen.
I did not see anything. Midat mid argument pointed out
pattern wise and that do you recall anything.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
I don't. She did tell him afterwards, though, that the
issue is that they don't know how to communicate with
each other.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
But he disagrees that it's a miscommunication.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
Doesn't change good law, but that doesn't change the fact
that she said it. So this is the difference between
being very clear and using I feel or I think
instead of I need right, because now there's no there's
no misunderstanding there. I need, I need us to communicate better,
I need you to listen to me. I need to
feel blah blah blah. I need more quality time, I
(36:46):
need more date nights whatever. Right, there's a very clear
you can serve me in the moment with this, Squeaky
Wiill disagrees. But if he's not, But also we also
know that in the situations of these arguments, he's also
according to her from the first one that we read
on the previous episode, he is turning everything into about
(37:08):
her and how she has to change and she's got
to evolve and he's doing it here too. Yeah, and
if that's the case, he's not really listening to her
because he has I'm right, and there's a superiority complex
again based off of what she's written.
Speaker 3 (37:22):
Yes, we are watching a show called The Institution.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
Oh it's so fucking good. Oh god, I love it
so much. Yeah. I don't know why you brought that up,
because I was.
Speaker 3 (37:41):
Just thinking, like, you know how Carrie reacts to eating
my food, That's how my brain intellectually reacts to that show.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
Yeah, I was so disappointed we didn't have another episode
last night.
Speaker 3 (37:51):
So in that show, I'm not going to spoil it
too much, but one of the kids who has powers
runs into one of the important people of town and
he's trying to explain his powers to him, and the
guy was like, well, if you can read minds, read
(38:14):
my mind and look that I'm telling the truth. And
he was like, it's not that you're telling the truth,
it's just that it's showing.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
That you believe it, right, that you believe you're telling.
Speaker 3 (38:22):
Yeah, right, and it happened again. Oh wait, that's too
much of a spurler. I can't do that.
Speaker 2 (38:29):
We should We should do a watch party in Patreon
and start over. We can fucking do that tonight.
Speaker 3 (38:35):
I would be down to do that. Can we get
dominos for yes?
Speaker 2 (38:39):
Yes, We're having a post couples or treat mental health day. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (38:44):
Oh, you guys are gonna see me. I'm gonna get
a face mask and everything.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
You're gonna wear a face mask. Yeah, while we're okay.
Speaker 3 (38:50):
Do some self care while we do this.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
All right. Yeah yeah, well we'll totally do that. When
we're done, we'll do it, and it's a watch party
in Discord.
Speaker 3 (38:59):
I love that. Back into the email, okay, Around this time,
he said annoyedly that he would start being softer with
me from now on and start lying oh wait and okay,
and start lying about his true feelings on some things
(39:20):
and just go along more because happy wife, happy life,
which I know you hate, but it's true. If you're
not happy, I'm not happy. So if I have to
suffer a little bit for you to be happy, which
will make my life easier than I will, why do.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
You keep doing this?
Speaker 3 (39:34):
Because he said all of that, that's the next sentence,
So that was all a quote.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
So guys, as you I hate people, that's the reality
of it. I love community and I love the people
that are growing. And healing is ugly. The path is ugly.
Heygets lonely. Motherfucker's coming in and out of your life.
Like a whole lot of change happens, and it shakes
(40:01):
up your world like a fucked up snow globe with
legos in it. Right, Like that's that's what healing looks like.
Speaker 3 (40:08):
It's raining blood.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
Right. But as you get to the point of healing,
saying things like happy wife, happy life, because I don't matter,
blah blah blah, Like you can correct that in the
moment in an intellectual way if you are not emotional
and you are calm and thinking about what's actually being said,
and it's not about making one liners or zing's or
anything like that. But as you get better in your healing,
(40:33):
these conversations change.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
Oh yeah, you can see through the bullshit. Absolutely that
happy wife, happy life was a redirection. I believe that
people like this, and I believe they know what they're doing.
I also believe that they know certain phrases will set
you off right, and they have that whole rotate. I
was gonna say, rotisseary, what.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Is the greatest American mystery? How you like your chicken
extra crispy or golden? Rotisseriy?
Speaker 3 (40:59):
The commercial?
Speaker 2 (41:00):
I was Buster rhymes, but.
Speaker 3 (41:03):
Top it. That's funny. Ah.
Speaker 2 (41:08):
Yeah, that happy wife, happy life is is happy house,
happy happy spouse, happy house. We We've addressed that a lot,
but there is a truth to happy wife, happy life,
and it doesn't mean that I don't matter. And the
issue that I have with that phrase is by using
a happy wife, happy life, it means that I don't matter. Correct,
happy house, happy spouse, happy house means that we're in
(41:30):
this as a union. But if you're not trying to
make your woman happy, then what are you doing? Because
the happier you are, the happier I am. We feed
off each other. Right when you're miserable, I'm miserable. I
don't want to be miserable. So if something's not right
with you, and I can fix it because that's my job.
(41:50):
I'm going to Now if that ship is one sided
and I am constantly catering to you and I'm getting
fuck off from that, it's very different conversation.
Speaker 3 (42:00):
I agree. He then downplayed the weight of the words
suffer by explaining, still annoyed, that he rather me be
happy so his life can be easier. I asked about
his happiness, and he said, I am happy. I enjoy
our life and I'm happy being with you.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
That's why he's not willing to change.
Speaker 3 (42:19):
So she is the one who's discontent.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Right, Well, everything that he laid out here is he's
going to lie and do all of these things, which
is the way he said it. He's happy because he
doesn't have to change. He doesn't have to become a
better version of himself, he doesn't have to evolve, he
doesn't have to learn new communication skills. There's no work
here for him. He wants her to continue to change
and do the work because it's a lot easier for
(42:42):
me to manipulate you with my words than it is
for me to have new behavior patterns instilled into my brain.
That's how I view that.
Speaker 3 (42:51):
I was shocked at this point with how he treats
me like a conversational adversary.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
Ooh, that was good.
Speaker 3 (42:56):
I didn't think he liked me. I thought we had
crossed to he loves, but he doesn't like me territory regardless,
I don't feel liked. He added that the people he
respects the most, especially those closest to him, are the
ones he will show his full, honest opinions with.
Speaker 2 (43:13):
Wow, so he doesn't respect you because he's willing to
lie and give you falsehoods.
Speaker 3 (43:19):
I'm gonna be honest with the example that was given
earlier and the way that that played out. If that
has been their relationship for the last seven years and
there has been extreme moments of that, I can understand
why he's checking out and standing his ground, Like I'm
done with this.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
I agree with that too. I agree with that too.
Get to the point where you just don't care anymore.
Speaker 3 (43:40):
Right, Like, if you have proven that I can't be
honest with you because it hurts your feelings, whatever the
case may be. Like, right, if he's saying that you're
too sensitive, I am I too sensitive? There are times
you have to hit me with baby being too sensitive? Right,
now you're taking it personally.
Speaker 2 (43:56):
Yep, baby being crazy right.
Speaker 3 (43:59):
He added that the people he respects the most, especially
those closer to him I, would be the ones he
will show his full honest opinions with. I wish I
could remember the other emails because if he, throughout the
first half of this relationship was coming to you with
his honest opinions and it was shot down, he was
made to feel guilty about it. Whatever the case may be, right,
(44:21):
borderline is not.
Speaker 2 (44:23):
What there was other two other emails, wasn't there? I
was like, what do you mean other emails?
Speaker 3 (44:27):
Yeah? There were two other emails?
Speaker 2 (44:28):
Okay, because borderline right?
Speaker 3 (44:30):
Because of borderline like right, as somebody with borderline and
observing other people with borderline, we can unintentionally abuse the
people in our lives. And if that's what he's gone through,
I could see why he would say it's backhanded and shitty.
The more the people I respect more in my life
(44:51):
or however he phrased that. I see that frustration though,
and you're right, he doesn't respect her and saying that
to her ye continuing yep, I replied, saying I heard
the words you said, but are you saying you respect me,
and he said yes, and yet I feel like he
doesn't respect me.
Speaker 2 (45:14):
Just because actions speak louder than words.
Speaker 3 (45:16):
All right, I mean that would be my takeaway too.
Speaker 2 (45:19):
There's also something that goes something to be said about
being somebody that is worth respecting. If all you're doing
is bringing conflict and the way that you're handling things
comes across as combative, it's not. You're not going to
get respect, You're not going to get love and admiration.
You're going to get combative. This is what I was
talking about in the last episode, where if you view
(45:40):
somebody as an enemy every time they come to you,
it's going to be taken from a place of like
we're going to war. You're not going to be you
know what I mean. It could be literally anything could
be taken to that point because that's the way that
the you know, your internal shit's wired. Now you're viewing
your person as a fucking problem instead of a partner.
Speaker 3 (45:59):
I agree. He said he will play kate me by
lying about his honest thoughts. He came back to this one.
He said he will start holding back his first thoughts
of that's dumb, et cetera, and treat me like he
does other people in his life that are aren't as close.
Speaker 2 (46:19):
You should do that anyways. You know what, fuck you
for that? Dude. If your first response to your woman
is that's dumb when she brings something to you, you
have a whole lot of fucking things to work on.
Speaker 3 (46:32):
Yeah, talking to your wife versus talking to your your
guy friends two different levels, two different emotional connections. Too many,
I mean two different like life agreements. Not gonna suck
your dick, bro, but I'll help you move your couch.
(46:53):
To me, this sounded like a very poorly worded and
skewed version of him saying he will start responding rather
than reacting when communicating with me. I told him that
the language is atrocious and that and the form of
a solution does not feel like a warm, cozy repair.
He said, Oh, I understand if someone told me that
(47:13):
they were only doing slash, not doing something just to
placate me, I would be upset too.
Speaker 2 (47:19):
It's crazy to me that she assigned meaning to what
he was saying in a positive way instead of actually
listening to what he was saying. And then he had
to bring it back further and just flat out be
like I was placating you.
Speaker 3 (47:31):
Right, Continuing, I truly believe there is a trauma nugget
center deep inside him that he never acknowledges outwardly. I
can't speak for his inner we on losing anything today.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
I mean, it looks like everything's still running sick. We'll
find out in a second of the comments.
Speaker 3 (47:50):
Stop word all right, Continuing, I can't speak for his
inner world, but I think his trauma nugget is the
core of this tangled mess of community medication. You can
breathe for a second. I feel like I'm on a
ten mile hike.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
Chat's going nuts because they heard that thunder. Yep, that's Florida.
This happens every rainy season.
Speaker 3 (48:14):
It's my favorite part of being in Florida.
Speaker 2 (48:16):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (48:17):
Okay. So his trauma nugget core is not the reason,
is not the reason you guys are having communication problems.
You are also not an effective communicator right now. And
I don't know if that's you stooping down to his
level or that is like a reactive trauma that's happening
because of you going through this for the last seven years.
(48:39):
But it's not the core of this tangled mess. It's
a it's a contributor. If it is a thing, could
also just be a dick. And still I don't want
to give up. I need advice, though, for all of
my desire to not break up the family, let go
of our history and the man who in the good
times is my best friend, I'm fighting for my own survival.
(49:01):
This stuff is taking its toll on my mental health,
and I will not let another year pass with seeing
marked effort. I'm tired. My only idea is to try
to meet his desire to debate and be combative and
rude with the firm patients of a mother teaching a
toddler to not keep hitting or do some other bad behavior.
Speaker 2 (49:20):
You shouldn't have to raise your husband. Yeah, and he's
not willing to change. You can change your child because
they're they're still malleable.
Speaker 3 (49:30):
They're tiny inmotiva.
Speaker 2 (49:34):
What you and your trump thing? They know what that sounds.
Speaker 3 (49:44):
That's hilarious, continuing, he has a great father and actually
very gentle with the kid's emotions.
Speaker 2 (49:51):
Yeah, except for the kids get to see the way
you treat you.
Speaker 3 (49:53):
Yeah. Recently I even stated that I wish he would
be that gentle with mine instead of the brillo pad
experience I received. He said, they are kids and I
am an adult, so it's a different sigh.
Speaker 2 (50:07):
Oh I oh, not everybody is compatible. Yeah, period, that's
just all there is to that.
Speaker 3 (50:15):
Yes, I also I understand why she said that. I
wish you would you would del like that with me.
It's because you're craving affection, You're craving understanding and all
those kinds of things. You don't want to be treated
like a child. You just want to be loved properly.
You saying it the way that you said it, I stated,
I wish you would be that gentle with mine. He's correlate.
(50:39):
I agree, you're an adult. Those are children. They are
going to be handled differently than you, as an adult are.
I told you the other day, why don't you talk
to me the way you talk to Ivy? What you
want me to talk to you? Like dogs?
Speaker 2 (50:53):
Did you want me to smack your button and rubb rebellyon?
Speaker 3 (50:55):
And you're like yeah, sometimes, yeah, sometimes I want to
hear in your high pitchman, who's a good girl.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
It's me your husband, your husband or your wife should
get a different version of you than the rest of
the world does.
Speaker 3 (51:13):
Continuing, he has a great teammate in the household and
a lovely co parent. He makes me laugh a lot
despite this email sad story. He has so insanely smart
and full of knowledge about things I couldn't hold on to,
and he thinks four steps ahead of everyone else. This
is a thing to be admired, but also feels like
a weapon is against me during conflict or any level
(51:34):
of frustration. Any help you have to offer will be appreciated.
I want to be able to communicate with my husband
in a healthy way. If I'm so the problem, tell me.
I'm sure there is something else I can do to
be a part of the solution. That said, if you
think this is hopeless, please tell me that. Fuck the
emailers trying. I'm done reading from anent.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
I wonder if she thinks that he is a four
step ahead thinker, or if he has said that and
that's why she used that terminology, because that seems like
some superiority shit too.
Speaker 3 (52:09):
I agree, that's shit I heard a lot in my
yester years. Can't bullshit a Bullshitterah? Okay, you slimy bastard,
I see you.
Speaker 2 (52:20):
The man has said you have to be four steps
ahead to manipulate people.
Speaker 3 (52:23):
M Hm, how long was that one hour? Do do
we want to do something else?
Speaker 2 (52:30):
Like another email? I mean, yeah, we can do another
quick one. I don't want to do another sixteen page email.
Speaker 3 (52:35):
I don't know. My brain is dead, Jenny.
Speaker 2 (52:39):
Said, I feel like he's been pushing her down so
she doesn't know when she's wrong or right. I agree
with that too. Belle said, send me that storm please,
and thinks.
Speaker 3 (52:49):
Is Jenny still here? Okay, so it's not telling me
what's a PDF and what's the document? So can I
just willing neally click shit in this.
Speaker 2 (52:57):
I'm clicking open and see the way it opens, see
if it opens differently? She said, yes, you can. I'm
done in there for now. Word okay, she's a short
email folder.
Speaker 3 (53:08):
Short email folder, all right? This one is titled lusting
after others while in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
Before we get into that, Hello, I.
Speaker 3 (53:18):
Hope you're doing well. I'm writing about an ongoing situation
with my boyfriend and I. We have been together for
a while, but are not married, have no kids, and
live in separate houses, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
How long is a while?
Speaker 3 (53:31):
It doesn't see?
Speaker 2 (53:32):
Right? Well, I mean that's a valid question. You think
six months is a long time? Are you nineteen? Like? Right?
Have you been together for fifteen years? What's a while?
Speaker 3 (53:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (53:42):
Come on, guys, do better.
Speaker 3 (53:45):
Continuing yep. He will frequently comment on people's attractiveness. This
ranges from she was a beautiful girl in conversations about
people to saying the best part of blank movie was
the actress's tits.
Speaker 2 (53:59):
Oh so okay, so he's disgusting, got it?
Speaker 3 (54:01):
Yeah he's filtering. Others include saying how certain actresses are
easy on the eyes, or that certain celebrity crushes are
in movies we are about to watch, but sometimes make
me not to watch the movies because all I can
think about how he is probably lusting after the actress
the whole time. Not really, I'm not willing to be
in a relationship with somebody like that.
Speaker 2 (54:22):
I would either. So you're you're a girlfriend, you don't
live together, you've been together a while, which could be
three fucking months. Move on, find somebody that has quality
of character, because this is not a quality of character thing.
We have an entire movement of feminism right now, where
(54:42):
like cat calling is inappropriate and like you're not even
allowed to properly compliment a woman anymore as it's frowned
upon and you are choosing to be with a man
who says the best qualities of that person is their tits.
Speaker 3 (54:56):
The best part of a movie was seeing some chicks
tis right?
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Right? There you go, that's how it was worded.
Speaker 3 (55:01):
Yeah, I've been in that relationship where it was announced, oh,
yeah that the main chick in this movie is super hot.
I don't want to watch this film anymore. I'm not
going to be focusing on the plot one and be
focusing on the fact that you're lusting at for the
woman in this movie. It destroys your self esteem. If
you're somebody who's like that, who feels like you have
(55:22):
the right to talk about what you're attracted to when
you're in a monogaous relationship with somebody and talk about
your celebrity crushes and oh, that chick's super hot, you
should be single. That's that's the beginnings of making someone
a shell of who they are.
Speaker 2 (55:39):
Well, it makes them question their own beauty, right right,
So like if you are and then you can go
to an extreme in this if you have if you
have celebrity crushes that are the exact opposite of your
woman or man for that matter, They're going to go, well,
why are they with me if all of their crushes
are blondes? And I have, you know, a brunette, I'm
(56:00):
a brunette. All their crushes are blondes. Why why are
they with me? Right? Like, maybe they don't actually see
me as attractive? Yeah, you're right that, And then the
further that goes, the more you're right, the more of
a shell of a person somebody's gonna become, or they're
going to start trying to manipulate who they are to
match the crushes, to try to placate their partner's desires.
Speaker 3 (56:18):
And they won't recognize who they are anymore. Right, I'm
not going to finish that email.
Speaker 2 (56:23):
Uh fuck it, let's not finish that email. We said
what we said, Yeah, find somebody that's got better fucking
standards of a human being. Like, I also don't like
the idea of celebrity crushes or celebrity passes. Yeah, you
ever came at me and was like, who's your hall pass?
I'd be like, bitch, I'm not in middle school anymore.
Fuck you talking about a hall pass. You're not about
to tell me that you would fuck somebody else. Right,
(56:45):
because that's what you're doing right now. You're telling me
that if you had the opportunity, you would fuck somebody else.
I don't trust you anymore. You just completely fucking destroyed that.
Speaker 3 (56:55):
Yeap, you do another one.
Speaker 2 (56:57):
I do because that was fun. But fuck that corn question?
Speaker 3 (57:01):
Oh god, I had a quick question I thought relates
to the addiction pod. That would be a good one
to be answered on the pod. Where do you guys
stand on homemade corn that a couple makes together for
instances where maybe one of them is tired or whatever
and the other has videos of them and their partner
to use to satisfy themselves when their partner just can't.
(57:25):
It's better than a pornography. It's better than other carnography
in my opinion. But curious about what you guys think.
Speaker 2 (57:30):
How about delayed gratification?
Speaker 3 (57:33):
Right?
Speaker 2 (57:34):
How about your too tired tonight? So I'm gonna go
ahead and just we're gonna watch some TV together and
cuddle and you're gonna make it up to me tomorrow. Yeah,
we can do it in the morning. We can have
a quickie in the shower, we can go to bed,
go to betterly. You know, there's a whole lot of things.
Why why be okay with your partner serving themselves. I'm
not okay with that shit. And like, I have all
kinds of videos of us playing on the phone, but
(57:55):
those are for me so that I can watch them later.
But it's not for me to touch myself, right, it's
so that I can remember all these dope ass moments
and admire our greatness and then do it all over again. Right,
But it has nothing to do with with pleasuring myself.
(58:16):
So to answer the question, taking videos of your playtime
or photos of your playtime, I don't think that that's pornography.
I think that's an intimate moment shared between two people.
I think it becomes pornography when you post it on
the internet for other people to enjoy, or you send
it to your social circle or post it your fucking
guide group chat or whatever, then it becomes problematic behavior.
(58:39):
But to keep intimate moments. If your woman sends you
a naked photo, if you want to use that terminology,
that's pornography. That's my woman reminding me of what I
have and what I'm gonna get to fucking beat the
brakes off of later. Like, that's not pornography. That's for me.
So in that aspect, you're splitting hairs or I'm splitting hairs,
I guess in that. But if it's for you and
(59:00):
her only, and you guys are just doing your thing
and you're not using it to please yourself later because
I think that a pleasing yourselves takes away the.
Speaker 3 (59:10):
Moment right, the intimacy bonding, and.
Speaker 2 (59:14):
It will eventually evolve past that.
Speaker 3 (59:16):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (59:16):
Eventually, that's what pleasuring yourself does. You have to get
a bigger dopamine hit every time for that satisfaction to occur.
So I'm willing to bet that if you start that way,
even if it's not being stated, other pornography is being watched. Yes, yep,
Now what chicken butt? I don't know. We can wrap up,
(59:40):
order some food and watch some TV with Discord. Okay,
because now I have like five hours of content, six
hours of content I have to edit because I didn't
edit three forty five yet, so this week will be
a I'm probably gonna wait and edit all next week
when the kids are here.
Speaker 3 (59:53):
Yeah. Ye, what did buff Bell say about her?
Speaker 2 (59:57):
Mann has said? My most my man has said is
funnily enough about Peach And it was I like who
she's helped you become. That's the most compliment he gives. Belle.
I think you and my wife are really good for
each other. I know I said that earlier, but I
believe it, and I know that you guys don't don't
(01:00:20):
like blow each other up. Right. It's weird because Sean
and I talk all the time, and like, you're just
not that person. But I also know that even though
Sean lives right down the street, I don't see him
very often. So like that's why I get what I
can because I need my cup being filled.
Speaker 3 (01:00:37):
Okay, you want to figure out dinner, I do.
Speaker 2 (01:00:40):
Okay, Guys, remember you were the author of your own life,
So grab a pen and we will see you on
the next one.
Speaker 3 (01:00:45):
By guys,
Look up with come all the things on the bottom.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Oh oh wow, it's you. You're my favorite view. But
that's nothing, and we are back.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Welcome back, bumble bitches.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Uh Friday content the part two of whatever we did
earlier today. Yes, we had cern collider conversation about possible
copied universe theory. That was a whole lot of fun
that went on for like fifteen minutes. We recapped North
Carolina retreat, which we won't be doing this time. However,
we will be talking about the one that's coming up
in December in a few minutes. Yeah. I took a nap.
(00:48):
It was fucking glorious when I tell you guys that
this last week and kicked my ass earlier for those
of you who were back from Patreon, it fucking wrecked me.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Yeah, this is all I'm doing today.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
I went to Walwall Yeah, yep, I.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Picked this up lunch and we're recording.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Lazy. Yeah. It's phenomenal.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
I need to recoup.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Yeah. So for those of you who were not here
earlier today, we are doing another couple's retreat in December.
December is the fifth through the eighth. There are still
some spots left. It is a couple slash co ed retreat.
There are four bunks for men, five bucks bunks for women,
(01:30):
and then some private rooms for couples. We will be
doing pretty much everything that we just did at the
last retreat at the next retreat, but we will be
including people who are not in relationships, just because people
would still find a whole lot of value in the
conversations being had. You'll still get a whole lot of
group information. The only thing that you won't get from
that is the one on one coaching unless we have
(01:51):
the time to do it. It doesn't mean that you
won't get one on time with us, one on one
time with us. It just means that you won't get
the coaching aspect right because of the time restraints for
the weekend. However, you were going to have a good
time if you go, because we have yet to have
a bad one when we do these things.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I agree, I agree.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
I know that every time we do these back to
back recording there's not a whole lot to talk about
before we get into the emails. I think we should, Oh,
you guys something.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
I have a question. Okay, So I was thinking about
this past retreat and how the cooking situation was going
for the women's retreat. Are we door dashing two meals
Saturday and Sunday?
Speaker 2 (02:29):
We can door dash every meal? I so that'll make
you happy, Okay, I know the women want some cook
time with you though.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Yes, I do have some meal prep provided by buff
Bell that we're going to do. Okay, I'm very concervative.
It took a lot of time to cook.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
For fourteen oh yes, big meals.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
So cooking for thirty people, I don't want to waste
you know, four hours in the morning. Yeah, making sure
everybody's fed when that could be dedicated to problem solving
or whatever.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
I agree. Well, you got to keep in mind too
that the women's it's in Kassimi, Orlando area, so there's
gonna be a whole lot of food that can be
doordashed super saying like we can do ramen one night.
There's a lot that's out there wonderful, So I can
do that shit for sure. Danielle said, what about someone
whose partner may not want to go? That's where the
women's bunks come into play.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
I was also gonna touch on that if anybody wants
to come and your partner doesn't want to and you
feel like this will be beneficial for you. There's a
bunk for you.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Absolutely, it's too late to do it for this one,
but moving forward, we need to be able to do
certain discount codes for these things to knock money off
of some of the higher tier groups that we have.
I didn't think about that, but it would make sense.
That's a good idea. Yeah, okay, you can get into it.
(03:49):
Let's let's just get right back into it. You guys
want to look at the retreat thing. It's on two
be beetter dot com. It went live today. I do
believe there's two rooms left, two private rooms left, and
then the bonks.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
So a little recap of last week's episode. The first
part of this, we kind of got a run down
about how the emailer feels about the reception or treatment
from their partner. Does not paint him in a good lights, No,
does not make him look like a good dude. There
(04:23):
was a lot of energy put into the fact that
they are on their own healing journey, the emailer and
they are. They can look back and see noticeable differences
in the way they handle situations. I want to say.
The emailer said, they feel like their their borderline is
starting to go into remission.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Yep, okay.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
There was an example given about a conversation between the
emailer and her husband that was sparked by a conversation
that the emailer was having with the sister in law
husband's sister. That conversation looked combative. It looked like there
was resentment, talking about birthday party with a step dad,
(05:08):
a little bit of biting back and forth with were
sarcastic comments, nipping at each other's heels, and it ended
with the email of crying. Husband comes into the room.
There's physical contact. He asks rough day, She said more
than that or something along those lines.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Real quick pause. Tiffany asks if there's if the bunk
beds are big enough for two girls to split a
bunk bed. We're not doing that on this one. If
you were, if you were wanting to split a room
with somebody, it has to be the full room, not bunks.
It's not an option. So there is one bed in
there that would technically fit two people because it's not
a bunk bed, it's a queen's size bed in a
room with two bunk beds, but that's not getting split.
(05:49):
We're not doing that. So we did all out for
the women's retreat because of the amount of rooms that
we got. But that's happened.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Yeah. Oh. The response was, it's much more than that.
He pulled back, said, Okay, went to the bathroom, and
then they kind of separated until child's nap. So now
here we are, it's nap time. We're going to continue
the email.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Okay, it's nap time.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
And daughter chose a solo activity downstairs, and we ended
up back in our bedroom. I said, hey, can we
talk about earlier and he said sure. I explained I
typed something up and he said oh, and said he
can pause me if need be. I'll include that below
before we jump into this. How how do we feel
about typing things out and reading.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
I think it's a beneficial tool, beneficiabole tool for people
if they need it. There's I'm a huge fucking fan
of journaling. I think that having a really messy, chaotic
emotional mindset can be very problematic for people, and in
the situations like this one where I think that they're
content contempt between both of them and their saying hurtful
(07:01):
shit to dig at each other because of past transgressions.
Being able to write everything down take some time to
cool off, reread it, adjust it. Take some more time
to cool off, reread it, adjust it. By the time
you get to your final draft, you will have a
very polished, refined Yeah. Thing to talk about reality is
(07:25):
most people are gonna angry type and then read that
shit later, and that's not the move. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
So my goal when I'm emotional brain and I write
things out, I want it to go from being a
novel to like a paragraph that may be a little
bit extreme, but I do want to try to condense
it down as much as I can to where it
will be going from me reading a novel and taking
up two hours of our day to a quick fifteen
(07:50):
thirty minute conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Well, the less emotional you are, the easier that becomes.
You know you and you can see it like you
can see it at the couples retreat. The more emotional,
the more emotionally charged the topic was, the more filler
got put into things. Yes, there's a whole lot of
times over the weekend they were like, wait, that's irrelevant,
we don't need that. Like it's like the Minority Report
(08:12):
where they swipe things off the screen in front of
them while he's moving on that shit. Yeah, we felt like.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
Ready to get into it. Yep, about earlier. I think
we're at a crossroads now, and we've been circling the
same patterns for so long that I'm scared we can't
break them, and I want, but I want to try. Okay,
I'm gonna read through the whole thing and then we
can break it down.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
My brain went don Dawn, Tom Yeah, okay, okay.
Speaker 3 (08:37):
July's constant arguments really left my heart bruised. So this
week I tried being more emotionally pulled back, trying to
process and give room for change. But each day has
gotten harder and harder, with a lot of tears. I
love you so much, and that's and that makes this harder.
When I bring things up, be it emotional or a
point of conflict, I usually end up feeling misunderstood, dismissed,
(08:59):
or like I have to defend my feelings. I like
that sounds.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Yeah, it's still going. It's gonna rain like a motherfucker tonight. Yep.
It's good because our water catch needs to be refilled.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Yes, it does. I usually end up feeling misunderstood, dismissed,
or like I have to defend my feelings. It turns
into a fight against each other instead of a conversation
with each other. Each time this happens, I have to
force myself into positive thinking. I try to change and
improve myself each time, hoping something I do will stick
and finally bring peace. But I realize I can't keep
(09:36):
doing that alone. Without a direct repair conversation with you
where I feel heard and like we stand together and
solving the problem, I can't do it anymore. I need
your help.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Okay, there's a difference between this is mis quoting the
podcast we are. Repair conversation and getting to resolution is
not the same thing. Yes, and she's sounds like she
needs resolution.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Repair is fixing things after conflict. Right, it's the touches,
It's the I love yous, It's the deep you know,
look in the eyes. I love you. I'm not going anywhere.
It's the kisses. Is there anything can I do for you?
Because I don't want to have a bad day with you? Right,
Repair can look like a lot of things. Resolution, I
guess could maybe fall into that category.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
It's always steps for me.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
Yeah, Like there's the first three minutes where things can
either be brought back or it's going to become a
full fledged argument. Then there's the actual disruption, then there
is the resolution, and then there's the repair.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
Yeah, okay, I agree with that.
Speaker 3 (10:40):
I agree with your statement too that I agree. I
feel like there needs to be a resolution conversation on
a repair conversation, uh to finish what was she had
written up and read to him that said, I am
also scared that we are just too different. Maybe you
don't want to do this, and that's fair either way.
I need us to have the conversation of where to
(11:00):
go from here, and it says endscript.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Yeah, this is a lot of it. Sounds like this
is preloading a divorce conversation.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Yes, okay, So I'm going to read this. So she
has it in like little paragraphs. I'm I'm going to
read it per paragraph, and if you want to say something,
we can pause.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
So this letter starts with about earlier. I think we're
at a crossroads now and we've been circling the same
patterns for so long that I'm scared we can't break them,
but I want to try. There's no right I'm on
the receiving end of this. That first part, there is
no clarification in that for me on what we're talking
about right now, because I've already said earlier that this
(11:45):
wasn't a miscommunication. For me, this just played out the
way that it played out. In my mind. It came
across as picking a fight the way that that was
laid out in the email. So that's how I'm going
to run with it in this made up scenario. So,
like I said, there's no clear what are we talking
about right now? We already disagreed that it wasn't a
(12:07):
miscommunication earlier when you believe it was one the We've
been circling that the same patterns for so long that
I'm scared we can't break them. But I want to
try that. Right there, my abandonment kicks in.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yeah, it would mean it would for me too. Yeah,
because it sounds like this is the beginning of a
divorce conversation.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Yes, So a way that I would phrase that is
earlier when I said that I felt like we were
having a miscommunication. I feel like that's a repetitive pattern
for us, and I would like to break down what
happened with you and try to see each other's perspectives.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Yep, Now we're problem solving.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Yeah, right, because if I felt like it was a
miscommunication and you disagree with that, a reality is aren't
lining upright. Julia's constant arguments really left my heart bruised.
So this week I tried being more emotionally pulled back,
trying to process and give room for change. But each
day has gotten harder and harder, with lots of tears.
(13:14):
I love you so much and that makes this harder.
So just that last sentence, I love you so much
and that makes this harder, my abandonment kicks in.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Aa yeah, still perpetuating that I'm leaving.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
Yes, And this is just based off of the pin
prick of the reality that she's feeding to us through
her cognitive bias of what's actually happening in her life.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Right.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
So July's constant arguments really left my heart bruised. So
this week I'm being more emotionally pulled back. I think
that it's good to give explanation of withdrawal. It's noticed
in a relationship if you are usually you know, touching
(13:58):
your husband's back or giving them kisses as you walk
by him, whatever the case may be, in that stops.
That's not a oh I'm slick, he doesn't think anything's
going on. I'm going to talk on the elephant in
the room. So I agree with touching on being more
emotionally pulled back. Nobody enjoys arguing, right, even the people
(14:22):
who use it as a form of control or to
feed into their maybe trauma responses. That's the only way
they know how to process something. Even that, I don't
think they enjoy the process of arguing. How it makes
them feel. That's why there's panic reactions and crying and
all that. So I am going to touch on that
(14:45):
that sucks for both of us too, because this isn't
our relationship, even if it's coming to an end, is
not about me. Our relationships about us. So I would
have phrased that differently, including that July has been a
hard month for our marriage and because of that, I
(15:05):
recognize that I have withdrawn emotionally and that hasn't made
the situation better.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Is that it fuels fire?
Speaker 3 (15:14):
Yeah, anything you want to add to that. When I
bring things up, be it emotional or a point of conflict,
I usually end up being misunderstood, dismissed, or like I
have to defend my feelings. It turns into a fight
against each other instead of a conversation with each other.
Do you want to touch on that?
Speaker 2 (15:35):
No, I mean, just based off of the way that
this letter's going, in the way that the conversation went
between the two of them, A lot of that is her.
I believe that. Yeah, But again, we also don't have
any other examples other than that one example. But if
that one example from her standpoint is the way the
conversations are supposed to be me and had, it's no
wonder that there's conflict, right.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
I agree. I agree with that. I don't have anything
to add to that.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Each time this happens, I have to force myself into
positive thinking. I try to change and improve myself each time,
hoping something I do will stick and finally bring peace.
But I realize I can't keep doing that alone. Without
a direct repair conversation with you where I feel heard
and like we stand together and solving the problem, I
can't do it anymore. I need your help.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
I think that they both have to change, But other
than that, I've got nothing on that.
Speaker 3 (16:27):
Okay, I do.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
I don't like the idea of one person in a
relationship feeling like they are solely the problem. And they
are the one who has to conform and manipulate who
they are to become this thing their partner believes they
should be, or what they believe their partner believes they
should be. Because it's a whole lot of this ain't
gonna work.
Speaker 3 (16:47):
Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. That said, I am
also scared that we are just too different. Maybe you
don't want to do this, and that's fair either way.
I need us to have the conversation of where to
go from here. So that last We have read a
lot of books about marriage and communication, and a lot
(17:12):
of those books have the same advice given that there
are some things in your marriage that don't have to
be said, especially if it's going to fracture trust, damage
the other person emotionally or mentally, and usually it's things
that are said out of frustration or resentment contempt. Those
(17:37):
are the like the silent fuck us that we let
die inside of us versus allowing it to poison the relationship.
That's how this last part comes across to me. That said,
I'm also scared that we are just too different. My
abandonment's kicking already, so that's adding to it. Maybe you
don't want to do this, and that's fair. Don't tell
(17:59):
me how I feel, and don't tell me how I
don't feel. He walked into the room and acted physical touch.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
What he tried to repair the situation?
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Right? Well, what is the word? It's not enacted?
Speaker 2 (18:12):
He I don't know where you're going.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
Something with physical touch. He touched her, He engaged with her, Yes,
he engaged physical touch. Either way. I need us to
have the conversation of where to go from here, so
that that makes it about you initiated, initiated physical touch,
engaged initiated I mean, you know, initiated physical touch.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
A very long delay between us talking and that coming through,
so you know.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
You're doing great. I understand that there has been years
of you guys just cycling back and forth on all
of all of this that we've laid out. If you
truly want to repair this, reach resolution and repair what's
(19:10):
going on, this has to come from eye and become us.
How are we going to heal from this?
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Right?
Speaker 3 (19:16):
What are the things that we can do for each
other to repair the trust or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
It's important that you keep that we ours, you know,
the the joint life conversation in all of this because
when you become I and you, it does remove that
even further. And with the way that she's worded a
lot of this and it feeling like the prep for
a divorced conversation. Yes, the eyes and ewes instead of
weez and hours adds to that. That's the passive conversation
(19:43):
that your brain will pick homp on that may not
even be intentional.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Right, husband, I'm husband, and I watched Grandma Grandma's Boy
the other day. I can't remember if I already talked
about this on the podcast or not, but that robot guy.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
JP or whatever.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
I've I did not recognize that that was one of
my things.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Talking like a robot, talking like a robot and like
moving it does.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
I'm not as excessive as he is.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Well, you don't talk like a robot. You sing things
I do.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
But I was like, oh my gosh, I'm him. I
felt more more personally attacked by the hippie guy. Yeah
we should watch another stupid movie tonight.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Yeah we can. Yeah, Jenna said Intergalactic Physical Touch Robot Dance.
And I saw it and she saw me see it
because in my head I was singing intergalactic planetary beastie boys.
She caught me. Sorry, Chris, I can see you sing
it in your head. Now, that's funny. You're right. You
(20:55):
don't have to call me on it, but you're right.
Speaker 3 (20:57):
Okay, are you ready to continue? We're at the end,
and now we're going to continue on with his reaction conversation.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Let's go.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
He didn't pause me during it, and I had to
freestyle the rest, trying to hit on the main arcs
of the unhealthy communication that I'm tired of that I
have pointed out in the moment.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Even so, wait a minute, you wrote the intro to
your letter with nothing and then ad libbed and then
just fucking ran with it emotionally afterwards.
Speaker 3 (21:25):
Yeah, that's a problem, right, So all, okay, I thought
that was it. I thought those were your points. I
would have not read any of that to happen.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
But we don't know what it was said after that
now either, Right, So she ad libbed and ran through shit,
and now we're going to get his reaction to what happened.
So now we have unknown conversation, we have unknown dialect.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
And his reaction is going to be what.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Tone inflection, right, and then it's going to be his
response to the situation.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
So knowing that there were bullet points and specifics of
what you don't enjoy about the relationship. After the the
intro monologue, this is like I used to do this shit.
I would be up at three o'clock in the morning
typing a novel on the phone and I'm like, yeah,
this is great, and then I can run with that
(22:18):
and I'll remember this point and I can hit that,
and this is how that feels to me. Like, right
reading this, I'm starting to be like, yep, that's that's
my anxiety, that's the panic, that's whatever, whatever is making
my nervous system feel jittery on my bones right now.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
How often does past you fu future you by not
making enough notes? And that's star because I still do
that in my notes on my documents on my phone.
Oh yeah, I'm like, I just wrote this. This doesn't
make any fucking sense, right, It didn't trigger that thought.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Yeah, But now I if I come to my husband
with something, if I have to really sit down and
write out a note and refine it and go back
and do all of these things, I am not going
to intro monologue the bullet points I have to give
to my husband, I'm thinking about leaving. I'm having a
hard time with our marriage. Whatever the negative things are
(23:11):
that you feel like you need to get off your
chest to be validated in the moment will come from
the conversation that you're trying to have about resolving the
things you don't enjoy in the relationship. Right continuing, Yep,
I was detailed like I have been here. I explained
that I feel like I'm not enough because he is
so frequently annoyed at me for seemingly nothing, or pinning
(23:31):
things on my cycle, or just me being too sensitive.
So I'm gonna be honest with the example that was
given earlier. You were annoyed at him trying to help
with the birthday planning for the stepdad that came across
from me and reading that. I don't know if you
picked up annoyance in her responses, pinning things on my cycle,
(23:52):
or just me being too sensitive. You cried about the
fact that he disagreed that what you guys just had
wasn't a miscommunication.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
I don't agree, like she said earlier in the email
that her BPD is in remission, I am. I don't
believe that.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
I agree. I agree it quickly became a back and
forth that was so dense and loaded that I didn't
have the line by line memory of what each of
us had said and in what order. So I will
list out different things each of us said throughout it,
trying to capture as much of the timeline and any
quotes that I can remember. He got defensive at first
(24:26):
and said I was threatening him. He said it was ridiculous,
slash not right, that I want him to change beyond
who he was when we got married. That was all
in quotes.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
That's a problem for me. Yeah, I don't give a
fuck what's being said. That alone is a problem for me.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
Yes, just that stand alone sentence.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
You should be changing and involving regardless of who you
were when you got married. You guys got married seven
fucking years ago. Are you saying that in seven years
you haven't evolved or changed at all?
Speaker 3 (24:56):
Right?
Speaker 2 (24:57):
If so, what are you doing in life? Why are
you living? I was a very different person seven years ago.
I was a different person six months ago. Yeah, right,
Like new data, new information, new fucking enjoyments, new kinks unlocked. Right,
Like there's a whole lot of cool shit that happens
in life. Like are you not paying attention? Are all
(25:18):
you all you're doing is working to death? Like? How
are you not changing who you were when you got married?
That mindset is toxic as fuck.
Speaker 3 (25:27):
I concur doctor.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
I don't get it. You don't get what that mindset
though not changing, that's actually a lie. I do get
it that that's that you got what you've gotten me.
This is just who I am. You need to accept it.
That's very different than you know it's it's that's not
what he said. He said that I shouldn't have to
(25:53):
change who I am being that this is you married, right,
But you are basically saying you got what you got
and I'm not willing to change. I'm not willing to
become a better man for you. I'm not willing to
do other things to enhance our relationship. This is no
different than the men or women who refuse to do
the check ins, who refuse to listen to a podcast
or read a book that could make your marriage better.
(26:16):
You just don't give a fuck enough about to make
the change. That's all there is to that. You don't
have to like what we're doing. I don't like we
listened to some weird wizard of Oz shit yesterday, Wizard
of Oz shit that you were into, and like, I
played the entire thing through. It wasn't my jam. But
if we were in the car again, you were like,
I want to listen to this, we'd play it. Sometimes
(26:37):
it's not about you, homie. Sometimes you have to realize
that there's a whole other universe sitting next to you,
and you have to do things that you're not going
to enjoy. To see a motherfucker smile or to watch
them sing the Wizard of Oz while you're driving down
the road in the rain at ninety miles an hour
in a giant fucking van.
Speaker 3 (26:58):
Yeah, I was a little ancients about that. I'm not
gonna lie the rain. You're driving ninety miles an hour
in it. And I was like, my husband got this.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
I did. I did have it, had no problems with it.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
I'm scared he's not. We're good, Jenna. That's exactly what
happens in my brain. I have to think about being
sexy in order to try and stick the landing, but
I always fumble because fuck, if.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
It makes you feel any better, the fumbles is cute
as fuck. It not sexy, but cute ast fuck it's
still it's still in the realm. If that's my wife
over there. Yeah, I thoroughly enjoy it. Yeah, especially when
we get to laugh about it afterwards. Nice because now
you're getting to drink, you know, the whole comedy thing
for you.
Speaker 3 (27:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Like, I'm not faking my laughter, it's genuine. So we're
checking all kinds of boxes over here.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Yeah, we are. I do mail being sexy sometimes.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
All the time. Okay, yeah, no, not all the time.
That's false. That's false statement, Like ninety eight percent of
the time. It's when you try to like say some
shit that it failed.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do that to me, all right, continuing, Yes,
just because I think I'm broken and have been changing
doesn't mean he thinks he is broken or needs to change.
At first, he said he didn't want to do it,
and I gave space for that. I said, I get it.
I feel like how I feel, and you feel how
(28:21):
you feel, and if you don't want to work on
these things with me, then I will not stay. He
asserted that I was threatening him. I said, this is
not a threat. Do you think I'm bluffing? And he
said no, I'm taking you very seriously right now, he
got up and paced a bit. He was very frustrated.
Things got quiet, and I was feeling, unsurprisingly crushed. I said,
(28:44):
is this really it? And he said, you tell me,
And I said that he wasn't willing to work with
me on the stuff that I would have to protect
my heart and call it. He sat back down and said,
I'm not going to be the one to end it.
That's a choice you'll have to make, and if that
ends up happening, you'll be the one telling the kids.
And if they asked me what happened, I'll say you
(29:04):
left me. I asked, what if they ask why, he said,
I'll tell them it's because you wanted me to change
from who I was when we got married, that it
stopped being enough for you. I don't know why you
married me if you weren't okay with who I am.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
I would love to have that conversation with your kids.
Go ahead and tell them that, and then tell them
to send us an email so that I can tell
them how fucking wrong it is for you to be
like that. Everything that you think you know in your
twenties is not factual. By the time you turn thirty.
You were supposed to evolve right. So, instead of being
(29:41):
a man and trying to correct the problems, you're now
looking for your wife to give you the out that
you're craving. Then be the bad guy to your kids,
and then use the conversation in a manipulative way to
turn her against, turning the children against her, to make
you look like you're not a fuck up. Where's your accountability?
How about you have failed your wife because regardless of
(30:04):
what's actually going on here, she has requested change in
your relationship to repair things, and you have told her no. Yep,
that's the reality of the conversation. Yeah that see how
differently that's worded versus she expected me to change and
I ain't doing that. She asked you to meet her halfway,
(30:27):
and it was too much work for you to do,
and you decided that your marriage was not worth it,
that your household with your children involved, was not worth
saving because you don't want to do it. I am
now aggravated. You got it on the first email, I
got the second first half, I got it on the
second half. That shit infuriates the fuck out of me. Man.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Yeah, I don't know why you married me if you
weren't okay, with who I am.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
She wasn't expecting to be stuck in the mud for
the last decade. Bro.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Yeah, he said, I'm not going to be the one
to end this, but if you do, I'm gonna weaponize
the children. What a pussy. Yeah, that's abusive to use
a woman's children against her in that manner, knowing that
those relationships are some of the most important to her,
(31:22):
using that she's not happy in the marriage as something
to demonize her in front of the children. Your mom's
the reason that we're not together anymore. Your mom's the
reason we have a broken household.
Speaker 2 (31:34):
Yeah. He's also trying to guilt Tripper into staying and
accepting his shitty behavior.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
Yeah, so at this point me healed and grown Now,
I wouldn't continue this conversation. You don't want to be
the one to make the call. I will go ahead
and do that. Yep, I'm done. You don't want to change,
You don't think you need to. When the kids are
old enough to have conversations about this with them, I
will if they want to believe you. I can't control that.
(32:00):
I'm not gonna live my life this way.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Yep. Sometimes you gotta put yourself first. I'm gonna touch
real quick on the VPD remission thing. If she's healing
and she's actively trying, and she's getting better with her BPD,
and she's not having freakouts or splitting or any of
the things that was happening before, but she's still being
overly emotional and still having the abandonment and all the
(32:25):
things that I do believe she's still having. You will
not go into like full remission healing in a situation
like this because you're not with somebody that's going to
facilitate the healing process. When you decide to marry somebody,
you become one flesh, so the other half of your
(32:45):
flesh still has to operate in a healing manner. This
doesn't mean that they can repair you. It just means
that there they are providing enough positive atmosphere for you
to grow in there, creating enough sunlight with some shades
so there's enough photosynthesis, but not burning the leaves right
(33:07):
right like, there has to be some sort of of
combined efforts. If you really do want to get past
the BPD and you want to make sure that you're
healing and becoming involving more than you are, you will
have to remove yourself from the situation, and that's the
reality of it.
Speaker 3 (33:21):
That is true. I agree with that this triggered my
defense got that this triggered my defensiveness. I said. Our
relationship has a lot more hurt over the years, on
both sides, and I know more of it was caused
by me. My own unchecked mental health made me aware
(33:42):
of how to put into words what I was feeling
and experiencing in the last two years. I've been bringing
this stuff directly in the moment. I've been bringing this
stuff up directly in the moment, and it keeps getting
pushed off as being my problem or that I'm just
making mountains out of mo holes. But I am tired
of things going like this. We go in waves of
(34:04):
fighting and being okay, and it's not all my fault.
I need your help in order to fix this between us.
I don't feel emotionally safe with you, and it breaks
my heart. I want us to be able to make
things better, and if you don't want to be a
part of that, tell me.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
I love everything she said there.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
Yeah, that was good.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
That's one of those things that like that sounds like
I just can't do this anymore. And I'm going to
put myself first. Well, yeah, I love that. That was good.
That was really well put.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
Other things he said was that maybe I should get
back into therapy, or maybe this is coming up because
I stopped consuming THHC since July fourteenth, or because the
new medication I started on July seventeenth for ADHD the
non stimulant makes me sleepy at night. I do not
feel like any of these things is to blame. It's
(34:53):
poor communication and one sided emotional effort.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
But if they were to blame, he has done nothing
to help you through your shit. Every time one of
us is quit doing something or implemented some sort of
new thing. Speaking of what you have to play your
hand pan tonight. We support each other. We do. I
don't understand how you can just get mad and like,
(35:18):
I don't know, I just don't get it. I really
don't get it. And him saying that she needs maybe
she needs to go to therapy, and maybe it's this,
and maybe it's that, maybe it's this, that maybe you
need to go back to therapy. You want me to
go back to therapy because of the way that you're
treating me.
Speaker 3 (35:33):
Right right, raise your hand if you hear the manipulation.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
Yeah, he said.
Speaker 3 (35:39):
I was asking him to change in vague ways and
needed more specifics. I explained that I've been calling out
the patterns mid argument for years now, and even across
all of July's arguments. So from my understanding, the example
that was given was one of your guys's arguments that
happened in front of the sister, because you provide that
(36:00):
at the show that she's present when these things happen.
I did not see anything. Midat mid argument pointed out
pattern wise and that do you recall anything.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
I don't. She did tell him afterwards, though, that the
issue is that they don't know how to communicate with
each other.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
But he disagrees that it's a miscommunication.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
Doesn't change good law, but that doesn't change the fact
that she said it. So this is the difference between
being very clear and using I feel or I think
instead of I need right, because now there's no there's
no misunderstanding there. I need, I need us to communicate better,
I need you to listen to me. I need to
feel blah blah blah. I need more quality time, I
(36:46):
need more date nights whatever. Right, there's a very clear
you can serve me in the moment with this, Squeaky
Wiill disagrees. But if he's not, But also we also
know that in the situations of these arguments, he's also
according to her from the first one that we read
on the previous episode, he is turning everything into about
(37:08):
her and how she has to change and she's got
to evolve and he's doing it here too. Yeah, and
if that's the case, he's not really listening to her
because he has I'm right, and there's a superiority complex
again based off of what she's written.
Speaker 3 (37:22):
Yes, we are watching a show called The Institution.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
Oh it's so fucking good. Oh god, I love it
so much. Yeah. I don't know why you brought that up,
because I was.
Speaker 3 (37:41):
Just thinking, like, you know how Carrie reacts to eating
my food, That's how my brain intellectually reacts to that show.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
Yeah, I was so disappointed we didn't have another episode
last night.
Speaker 3 (37:51):
So in that show, I'm not going to spoil it
too much, but one of the kids who has powers
runs into one of the important people of town and
he's trying to explain his powers to him, and the
guy was like, well, if you can read minds, read
(38:14):
my mind and look that I'm telling the truth. And
he was like, it's not that you're telling the truth,
it's just that it's showing.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
That you believe it, right, that you believe you're telling.
Speaker 3 (38:22):
Yeah, right, and it happened again. Oh wait, that's too
much of a spurler. I can't do that.
Speaker 2 (38:29):
We should We should do a watch party in Patreon
and start over. We can fucking do that tonight.
Speaker 3 (38:35):
I would be down to do that. Can we get
dominos for yes?
Speaker 2 (38:39):
Yes, We're having a post couples or treat mental health day. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (38:44):
Oh, you guys are gonna see me. I'm gonna get
a face mask and everything.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
You're gonna wear a face mask. Yeah, while we're okay.
Speaker 3 (38:50):
Do some self care while we do this.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
All right. Yeah yeah, well we'll totally do that. When
we're done, we'll do it, and it's a watch party
in Discord.
Speaker 3 (38:59):
I love that. Back into the email, okay, Around this time,
he said annoyedly that he would start being softer with
me from now on and start lying oh wait and okay,
and start lying about his true feelings on some things
(39:20):
and just go along more because happy wife, happy life,
which I know you hate, but it's true. If you're
not happy, I'm not happy. So if I have to
suffer a little bit for you to be happy, which
will make my life easier than I will, why do.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
You keep doing this?
Speaker 3 (39:34):
Because he said all of that, that's the next sentence,
So that was all a quote.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
So guys, as you I hate people, that's the reality
of it. I love community and I love the people
that are growing. And healing is ugly. The path is ugly.
Heygets lonely. Motherfucker's coming in and out of your life.
Like a whole lot of change happens, and it shakes
(40:01):
up your world like a fucked up snow globe with
legos in it. Right, Like that's that's what healing looks like.
Speaker 3 (40:08):
It's raining blood.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
Right. But as you get to the point of healing,
saying things like happy wife, happy life, because I don't matter,
blah blah blah, Like you can correct that in the
moment in an intellectual way if you are not emotional
and you are calm and thinking about what's actually being said,
and it's not about making one liners or zing's or
anything like that. But as you get better in your healing,
(40:33):
these conversations change.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
Oh yeah, you can see through the bullshit. Absolutely that
happy wife, happy life was a redirection. I believe that
people like this, and I believe they know what they're doing.
I also believe that they know certain phrases will set
you off right, and they have that whole rotate. I
was gonna say, rotisseary, what.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Is the greatest American mystery? How you like your chicken
extra crispy or golden? Rotisseriy?
Speaker 3 (40:59):
The commercial?
Speaker 2 (41:00):
I was Buster rhymes, but.
Speaker 3 (41:03):
Top it. That's funny. Ah.
Speaker 2 (41:08):
Yeah, that happy wife, happy life is is happy house,
happy happy spouse, happy house. We We've addressed that a lot,
but there is a truth to happy wife, happy life,
and it doesn't mean that I don't matter. And the
issue that I have with that phrase is by using
a happy wife, happy life, it means that I don't matter. Correct,
happy house, happy spouse, happy house means that we're in
(41:30):
this as a union. But if you're not trying to
make your woman happy, then what are you doing? Because
the happier you are, the happier I am. We feed
off each other. Right when you're miserable, I'm miserable. I
don't want to be miserable. So if something's not right
with you, and I can fix it because that's my job.
(41:50):
I'm going to Now if that ship is one sided
and I am constantly catering to you and I'm getting
fuck off from that, it's very different conversation.
Speaker 3 (42:00):
I agree. He then downplayed the weight of the words
suffer by explaining, still annoyed, that he rather me be
happy so his life can be easier. I asked about
his happiness, and he said, I am happy. I enjoy
our life and I'm happy being with you.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
That's why he's not willing to change.
Speaker 3 (42:19):
So she is the one who's discontent.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Right, Well, everything that he laid out here is he's
going to lie and do all of these things, which
is the way he said it. He's happy because he
doesn't have to change. He doesn't have to become a
better version of himself, he doesn't have to evolve, he
doesn't have to learn new communication skills. There's no work
here for him. He wants her to continue to change
and do the work because it's a lot easier for
(42:42):
me to manipulate you with my words than it is
for me to have new behavior patterns instilled into my brain.
That's how I view that.
Speaker 3 (42:51):
I was shocked at this point with how he treats
me like a conversational adversary.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
Ooh, that was good.
Speaker 3 (42:56):
I didn't think he liked me. I thought we had
crossed to he loves, but he doesn't like me territory regardless,
I don't feel liked. He added that the people he
respects the most, especially those closest to him, are the
ones he will show his full, honest opinions with.
Speaker 2 (43:13):
Wow, so he doesn't respect you because he's willing to
lie and give you falsehoods.
Speaker 3 (43:19):
I'm gonna be honest with the example that was given
earlier and the way that that played out. If that
has been their relationship for the last seven years and
there has been extreme moments of that, I can understand
why he's checking out and standing his ground, Like I'm
done with this.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
I agree with that too. I agree with that too.
Get to the point where you just don't care anymore.
Speaker 3 (43:40):
Right, Like, if you have proven that I can't be
honest with you because it hurts your feelings, whatever the
case may be. Like, right, if he's saying that you're
too sensitive, I am I too sensitive? There are times
you have to hit me with baby being too sensitive? Right,
now you're taking it personally.
Speaker 2 (43:56):
Yep, baby being crazy right.
Speaker 3 (43:59):
He added that the people he respects the most, especially
those closer to him I, would be the ones he
will show his full honest opinions with. I wish I
could remember the other emails because if he, throughout the
first half of this relationship was coming to you with
his honest opinions and it was shot down, he was
made to feel guilty about it. Whatever the case may be, right,
(44:21):
borderline is not.
Speaker 2 (44:23):
What there was other two other emails, wasn't there? I
was like, what do you mean other emails?
Speaker 3 (44:27):
Yeah? There were two other emails?
Speaker 2 (44:28):
Okay, because borderline right?
Speaker 3 (44:30):
Because of borderline like right, as somebody with borderline and
observing other people with borderline, we can unintentionally abuse the
people in our lives. And if that's what he's gone through,
I could see why he would say it's backhanded and shitty.
The more the people I respect more in my life
(44:51):
or however he phrased that. I see that frustration though,
and you're right, he doesn't respect her and saying that
to her ye continuing yep, I replied, saying I heard
the words you said, but are you saying you respect me,
and he said yes, and yet I feel like he
doesn't respect me.
Speaker 2 (45:14):
Just because actions speak louder than words.
Speaker 3 (45:16):
All right, I mean that would be my takeaway too.
Speaker 2 (45:19):
There's also something that goes something to be said about
being somebody that is worth respecting. If all you're doing
is bringing conflict and the way that you're handling things
comes across as combative, it's not. You're not going to
get respect, You're not going to get love and admiration.
You're going to get combative. This is what I was
talking about in the last episode, where if you view
(45:40):
somebody as an enemy every time they come to you,
it's going to be taken from a place of like
we're going to war. You're not going to be you
know what I mean. It could be literally anything could
be taken to that point because that's the way that
the you know, your internal shit's wired. Now you're viewing
your person as a fucking problem instead of a partner.
Speaker 3 (45:59):
I agree. He said he will play kate me by
lying about his honest thoughts. He came back to this one.
He said he will start holding back his first thoughts
of that's dumb, et cetera, and treat me like he
does other people in his life that are aren't as close.
Speaker 2 (46:19):
You should do that anyways. You know what, fuck you
for that? Dude. If your first response to your woman
is that's dumb when she brings something to you, you
have a whole lot of fucking things to work on.
Speaker 3 (46:32):
Yeah, talking to your wife versus talking to your your
guy friends two different levels, two different emotional connections. Too many,
I mean two different like life agreements. Not gonna suck
your dick, bro, but I'll help you move your couch.
(46:53):
To me, this sounded like a very poorly worded and
skewed version of him saying he will start responding rather
than reacting when communicating with me. I told him that
the language is atrocious and that and the form of
a solution does not feel like a warm, cozy repair.
He said, Oh, I understand if someone told me that
(47:13):
they were only doing slash, not doing something just to
placate me, I would be upset too.
Speaker 2 (47:19):
It's crazy to me that she assigned meaning to what
he was saying in a positive way instead of actually
listening to what he was saying. And then he had
to bring it back further and just flat out be
like I was placating you.
Speaker 3 (47:31):
Right, Continuing, I truly believe there is a trauma nugget
center deep inside him that he never acknowledges outwardly. I
can't speak for his inner we on losing anything today.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
I mean, it looks like everything's still running sick. We'll
find out in a second of the comments.
Speaker 3 (47:50):
Stop word all right, Continuing, I can't speak for his
inner world, but I think his trauma nugget is the
core of this tangled mess of community medication. You can
breathe for a second. I feel like I'm on a
ten mile hike.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
Chat's going nuts because they heard that thunder. Yep, that's Florida.
This happens every rainy season.
Speaker 3 (48:14):
It's my favorite part of being in Florida.
Speaker 2 (48:16):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (48:17):
Okay. So his trauma nugget core is not the reason,
is not the reason you guys are having communication problems.
You are also not an effective communicator right now. And
I don't know if that's you stooping down to his
level or that is like a reactive trauma that's happening
because of you going through this for the last seven years.
(48:39):
But it's not the core of this tangled mess. It's
a it's a contributor. If it is a thing, could
also just be a dick. And still I don't want
to give up. I need advice, though, for all of
my desire to not break up the family, let go
of our history and the man who in the good
times is my best friend, I'm fighting for my own survival.
(49:01):
This stuff is taking its toll on my mental health,
and I will not let another year pass with seeing
marked effort. I'm tired. My only idea is to try
to meet his desire to debate and be combative and
rude with the firm patients of a mother teaching a
toddler to not keep hitting or do some other bad behavior.
Speaker 2 (49:20):
You shouldn't have to raise your husband. Yeah, and he's
not willing to change. You can change your child because
they're they're still malleable.
Speaker 3 (49:30):
They're tiny inmotiva.
Speaker 2 (49:34):
What you and your trump thing? They know what that sounds.
Speaker 3 (49:44):
That's hilarious, continuing, he has a great father and actually
very gentle with the kid's emotions.
Speaker 2 (49:51):
Yeah, except for the kids get to see the way
you treat you.
Speaker 3 (49:53):
Yeah. Recently I even stated that I wish he would
be that gentle with mine instead of the brillo pad
experience I received. He said, they are kids and I
am an adult, so it's a different sigh.
Speaker 2 (50:07):
Oh I oh, not everybody is compatible. Yeah, period, that's
just all there is to that.
Speaker 3 (50:15):
Yes, I also I understand why she said that. I
wish you would you would del like that with me.
It's because you're craving affection, You're craving understanding and all
those kinds of things. You don't want to be treated
like a child. You just want to be loved properly.
You saying it the way that you said it, I stated,
I wish you would be that gentle with mine. He's correlate.
(50:39):
I agree, you're an adult. Those are children. They are
going to be handled differently than you, as an adult are.
I told you the other day, why don't you talk
to me the way you talk to Ivy? What you
want me to talk to you? Like dogs?
Speaker 2 (50:53):
Did you want me to smack your button and rubb rebellyon?
Speaker 3 (50:55):
And you're like yeah, sometimes, yeah, sometimes I want to
hear in your high pitchman, who's a good girl.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
It's me your husband, your husband or your wife should
get a different version of you than the rest of
the world does.
Speaker 3 (51:13):
Continuing, he has a great teammate in the household and
a lovely co parent. He makes me laugh a lot
despite this email sad story. He has so insanely smart
and full of knowledge about things I couldn't hold on to,
and he thinks four steps ahead of everyone else. This
is a thing to be admired, but also feels like
a weapon is against me during conflict or any level
(51:34):
of frustration. Any help you have to offer will be appreciated.
I want to be able to communicate with my husband
in a healthy way. If I'm so the problem, tell me.
I'm sure there is something else I can do to
be a part of the solution. That said, if you
think this is hopeless, please tell me that. Fuck the
emailers trying. I'm done reading from anent.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
I wonder if she thinks that he is a four
step ahead thinker, or if he has said that and
that's why she used that terminology, because that seems like
some superiority shit too.
Speaker 3 (52:09):
I agree, that's shit I heard a lot in my
yester years. Can't bullshit a Bullshitterah? Okay, you slimy bastard,
I see you.
Speaker 2 (52:20):
The man has said you have to be four steps
ahead to manipulate people.
Speaker 3 (52:23):
M Hm, how long was that one hour? Do do
we want to do something else?
Speaker 2 (52:30):
Like another email? I mean, yeah, we can do another
quick one. I don't want to do another sixteen page email.
Speaker 3 (52:35):
I don't know. My brain is dead, Jenny.
Speaker 2 (52:39):
Said, I feel like he's been pushing her down so
she doesn't know when she's wrong or right. I agree
with that too. Belle said, send me that storm please,
and thinks.
Speaker 3 (52:49):
Is Jenny still here? Okay, so it's not telling me
what's a PDF and what's the document? So can I
just willing neally click shit in this.
Speaker 2 (52:57):
I'm clicking open and see the way it opens, see
if it opens differently? She said, yes, you can. I'm
done in there for now. Word okay, she's a short
email folder.
Speaker 3 (53:08):
Short email folder, all right? This one is titled lusting
after others while in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
Before we get into that, Hello, I.
Speaker 3 (53:18):
Hope you're doing well. I'm writing about an ongoing situation
with my boyfriend and I. We have been together for
a while, but are not married, have no kids, and
live in separate houses, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
How long is a while?
Speaker 3 (53:31):
It doesn't see?
Speaker 2 (53:32):
Right? Well, I mean that's a valid question. You think
six months is a long time? Are you nineteen? Like? Right?
Have you been together for fifteen years? What's a while?
Speaker 3 (53:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (53:42):
Come on, guys, do better.
Speaker 3 (53:45):
Continuing yep. He will frequently comment on people's attractiveness. This
ranges from she was a beautiful girl in conversations about
people to saying the best part of blank movie was
the actress's tits.
Speaker 2 (53:59):
Oh so okay, so he's disgusting, got it?
Speaker 3 (54:01):
Yeah he's filtering. Others include saying how certain actresses are
easy on the eyes, or that certain celebrity crushes are
in movies we are about to watch, but sometimes make
me not to watch the movies because all I can
think about how he is probably lusting after the actress
the whole time. Not really, I'm not willing to be
in a relationship with somebody like that.
Speaker 2 (54:22):
I would either. So you're you're a girlfriend, you don't
live together, you've been together a while, which could be
three fucking months. Move on, find somebody that has quality
of character, because this is not a quality of character thing.
We have an entire movement of feminism right now, where
(54:42):
like cat calling is inappropriate and like you're not even
allowed to properly compliment a woman anymore as it's frowned
upon and you are choosing to be with a man
who says the best qualities of that person is their tits.
Speaker 3 (54:56):
The best part of a movie was seeing some chicks
tis right?
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Right? There you go, that's how it was worded.
Speaker 3 (55:01):
Yeah, I've been in that relationship where it was announced, oh,
yeah that the main chick in this movie is super hot.
I don't want to watch this film anymore. I'm not
going to be focusing on the plot one and be
focusing on the fact that you're lusting at for the
woman in this movie. It destroys your self esteem. If
you're somebody who's like that, who feels like you have
(55:22):
the right to talk about what you're attracted to when
you're in a monogaous relationship with somebody and talk about
your celebrity crushes and oh, that chick's super hot, you
should be single. That's that's the beginnings of making someone
a shell of who they are.
Speaker 2 (55:39):
Well, it makes them question their own beauty, right right,
So like if you are and then you can go
to an extreme in this if you have if you
have celebrity crushes that are the exact opposite of your
woman or man for that matter, They're going to go, well,
why are they with me if all of their crushes
are blondes? And I have, you know, a brunette, I'm
(56:00):
a brunette. All their crushes are blondes. Why why are
they with me? Right? Like, maybe they don't actually see
me as attractive? Yeah, you're right that, And then the
further that goes, the more you're right, the more of
a shell of a person somebody's gonna become, or they're
going to start trying to manipulate who they are to
match the crushes, to try to placate their partner's desires.
Speaker 3 (56:18):
And they won't recognize who they are anymore. Right, I'm
not going to finish that email.
Speaker 2 (56:23):
Uh fuck it, let's not finish that email. We said
what we said, Yeah, find somebody that's got better fucking
standards of a human being. Like, I also don't like
the idea of celebrity crushes or celebrity passes. Yeah, you
ever came at me and was like, who's your hall pass?
I'd be like, bitch, I'm not in middle school anymore.
Fuck you talking about a hall pass. You're not about
to tell me that you would fuck somebody else. Right,
(56:45):
because that's what you're doing right now. You're telling me
that if you had the opportunity, you would fuck somebody else.
I don't trust you anymore. You just completely fucking destroyed that.
Speaker 3 (56:55):
Yeap, you do another one.
Speaker 2 (56:57):
I do because that was fun. But fuck that corn question?
Speaker 3 (57:01):
Oh god, I had a quick question I thought relates
to the addiction pod. That would be a good one
to be answered on the pod. Where do you guys
stand on homemade corn that a couple makes together for
instances where maybe one of them is tired or whatever
and the other has videos of them and their partner
to use to satisfy themselves when their partner just can't.
(57:25):
It's better than a pornography. It's better than other carnography
in my opinion. But curious about what you guys think.
Speaker 2 (57:30):
How about delayed gratification?
Speaker 3 (57:33):
Right?
Speaker 2 (57:34):
How about your too tired tonight? So I'm gonna go
ahead and just we're gonna watch some TV together and
cuddle and you're gonna make it up to me tomorrow. Yeah,
we can do it in the morning. We can have
a quickie in the shower, we can go to bed,
go to betterly. You know, there's a whole lot of things.
Why why be okay with your partner serving themselves. I'm
not okay with that shit. And like, I have all
kinds of videos of us playing on the phone, but
(57:55):
those are for me so that I can watch them later.
But it's not for me to touch myself, right, it's
so that I can remember all these dope ass moments
and admire our greatness and then do it all over again. Right,
But it has nothing to do with with pleasuring myself.
(58:16):
So to answer the question, taking videos of your playtime
or photos of your playtime, I don't think that that's pornography.
I think that's an intimate moment shared between two people.
I think it becomes pornography when you post it on
the internet for other people to enjoy, or you send
it to your social circle or post it your fucking
guide group chat or whatever, then it becomes problematic behavior.
(58:39):
But to keep intimate moments. If your woman sends you
a naked photo, if you want to use that terminology,
that's pornography. That's my woman reminding me of what I
have and what I'm gonna get to fucking beat the
brakes off of later. Like, that's not pornography. That's for me.
So in that aspect, you're splitting hairs or I'm splitting hairs,
I guess in that. But if it's for you and
(59:00):
her only, and you guys are just doing your thing
and you're not using it to please yourself later because
I think that a pleasing yourselves takes away the.
Speaker 3 (59:10):
Moment right, the intimacy bonding, and.
Speaker 2 (59:14):
It will eventually evolve past that.
Speaker 3 (59:16):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (59:16):
Eventually, that's what pleasuring yourself does. You have to get
a bigger dopamine hit every time for that satisfaction to occur.
So I'm willing to bet that if you start that way,
even if it's not being stated, other pornography is being watched. Yes, yep,
Now what chicken butt? I don't know. We can wrap up,
(59:40):
order some food and watch some TV with Discord. Okay,
because now I have like five hours of content, six
hours of content I have to edit because I didn't
edit three forty five yet, so this week will be
a I'm probably gonna wait and edit all next week
when the kids are here.
Speaker 3 (59:53):
Yeah. Ye, what did buff Bell say about her?
Speaker 2 (59:57):
Mann has said? My most my man has said is
funnily enough about Peach And it was I like who
she's helped you become. That's the most compliment he gives. Belle.
I think you and my wife are really good for
each other. I know I said that earlier, but I
believe it, and I know that you guys don't don't
(01:00:20):
like blow each other up. Right. It's weird because Sean
and I talk all the time, and like, you're just
not that person. But I also know that even though
Sean lives right down the street, I don't see him
very often. So like that's why I get what I
can because I need my cup being filled.
Speaker 3 (01:00:37):
Okay, you want to figure out dinner, I do.
Speaker 2 (01:00:40):
Okay, Guys, remember you were the author of your own life,
So grab a pen and we will see you on
the next one.
Speaker 3 (01:00:45):
By guys,
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