Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Look up with come all the things we do it
on the bottom all our Wow it is you.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
You're my favorite views. But there's nothing and we are back.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Welcome back, you, beautiful creatures.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
We are doing Friday content. We're gonna be recording an
article from medium dot com. This is going to be
a quick episode. Our goal is to be under an
hour because we have to go live at eleven am
Eastern Standard Time today, which is April fourteenth, because we're
announcing our Grease trip. By the time you guys see this,
Greece has been announced. We will be doing Michinos in
(00:46):
May of twenty twenty six. There are still slots available
if you would like to go to Greece with us.
I highly recommend that you go check that out. You
can find the link pretty much everywhere that our links
are posted. If you're watching this on YouTube, it'll be
in a description of the video.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
Hopefully there's still spots available. This is sound like hotcakes.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Yeah, we haven't even We got our pre release link
and sold five of our eight pre release slots already,
so this will be a hot trip.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Oh yeah, very excited. I've always wanted to go to Greece. Yeah,
and I love that we can do it with people
who have changed their lives based on the information that
we've shared.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
It's also really cool that a lot of the people
who went to Thailand are going. Yeah, so that means
that we did a good job in Thailand.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
I love that. I feel like I've made lifelong friends
from that trip. Yes, from Thailand's same, and like I'm
still in touch with the people who are going to
Greece now, yeah, I can't wait.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
All right, So we're going to be doing one today
called who Regrets Divorce? The most question mark people who
have been there say the same thing. This again comes
from medium dot com. This is a paid website where
people basically write their own little stories. This is probably
an opinion piece. I don't really know, but we picked
this article because I am writing my second book. And
my second book is all about divorce and breakup and
how you become a better person after it. So this
(01:57):
is a fitting conversation, you know, just jump into it.
Since we're on Yeah, let's correct, let's do the thing.
Real life stories of regret after marriage ends.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
There's an old saying men fear choosing the wrong career,
women fear marrying, and the wrong guy. Never heard that saying.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
I've never heard that saying either. All right, but I
actually think that I think that most men fear marriage
I agree with because they're they're afraid of losing everything.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
These days, it's bad for anyone, men or women to
pick the wrong career. But if you mess up a marriage,
there are ways to fix it. If things are terrible,
you can just get a divorce.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
That makes it sound so willy nilly doesne it.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
It does very disposable.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
I like that she said that there's ways to fix it. Yeah,
but you know, you can just get a divorce. It's
a big deal. It is a big deal. It is
a big deal, especially for men. It's a big deal
for everyone. I only say that, I guess maybe because
of my own cognitive bias. If more women were stay
at home moms, stay at home wives, and they were
like traditional relationships, I could see how marriage would be
(02:59):
a big risk for both people involved. And I think
part of that risk keeps people working on trying to
get their marriage fixed, knowing that you can easily just
dip out because you're bored or unhappi or whatever the
case may be, and you don't have to actually work
to try to salvage things. There's not really a reason
to do it, especially knowing that nowadays women who have
a career just fucking dip out and go get half
of the man shit, like.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Yeah, while still getting their own bag.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Right, yeah, right, Its a lot. There's a whole lass
conversation and all of that.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
But yeah, spiritually it really messed me up. Yeah, getting
my first divorce continuing. People don't respect marriage as much anymore.
It's like divorce is no big deal. It doesn't affect
anyone else. So people just split up if they want to,
as long as they're okay with the hassle. But does
divorce guarantee happiness? You couples not regretted after some do?
(03:46):
And who regrets it? First? I talk to some divorce
people and their answers were surprisingly similar.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Okay, so before we read any of these, who do
you think is going to who do you think is
going to regret it? More?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Women?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
I agree with that? Why though?
Speaker 3 (04:01):
I think that right? So both genders crave acceptance, affection,
praise is not the word, but being valued for who
they are and what they can bring to the table.
It's really been a big thing on TikTok seeing women
in their late thirties or early forties thinking that they're going
to have the best single life ever, and then a
(04:21):
year after a divorce, they regret every decision they've made. Right,
I don't see that as much from men.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
That's because men are able to in their thirties, forties
and fifties are able to find younger women who value
what those men are bringing to the table that will
treat them different than the woman did, and it's a
very different mindset.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
So, and this speaks on the whole like hijacked red
pill movement that is very popular with like Fish and
Fresh and Fit in the Whatever podcast and all of that,
and love it or hate those guys. I think what
they do is disgusting. Yeah, but some of the points
that they make are very valid. Men are in their
prime when they can protect, provide, and lead because that's
what we bring to the table war in our twenties
and we're immature and like supermature, and we have nothing
(05:00):
to really offer you guys, Like there's nothing there. Women
crave stability. Most men in their thirties, forties and fifties
fucking have that. So at that point, in our lives.
I do believe that men have more to offer than
women who have. You know, I don't want to say
been used up, but that's the terminology that they fucking
use on this podcast. You have multiple kids, you got
(05:21):
a ton of baggage, you got a divorce, you probably
got a crazy X husband. There's a whole lot of
risk there that doesn't add up for men, not to mention,
do you really want to get the leftovers? Because that's
what you are at thirty forty fifty years old, when
you've been divorced and you're in the dating pool, You're
a leftover. You're somebody that failed in your previous marriage,
that wasn't really able to make it work, and you
(05:43):
have to find a way to like show your value
and you have to heal and do a whole lot
of work. And most people are doing that shit. Yeah,
you meet a woman who's like, yeah, I've been married
three times, run same thing with men, like you know
you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
Yeah, that would not even be on my radar. Right
one one failed marriage I can see coming back from that. Yeah,
people can sit down and reflect and recognize, you know,
my ex isn't the only person who messed that up.
And there's a redemption arc that can happen in a
second marriage, absolutely, but third, fourth, fifth marriage. I watched
(06:18):
a video the other day that this woman was on
her eighth husband.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
That's insane.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Yeah, my goodness, Carrie just said that someone in her
family's been married seven times. At that point, you're not
even marriage doesn't mean anything, No, you're just looking for something.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
I think people just don't want to be alone.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Marriage is not a promise that they're going to be
with you forever.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
No, it's supposed to be. Yeah, but people don't honor.
This is like she just said, it's become taboos. It's
just one of those things. And I wrote this in
my book. I believe that people get married because society
expects them to.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Yes after a certain amount of time or certain steps
are taken.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Right, And you look at people who are in their
early early in the mid twenties, who I'll go out
there and get married. It's because they're having kids or
they think that that's what's expected of them because they
were high school sweethearts. Like there's a societal pressure that
comes into all of that. And I think that people
that do that get married for the wrong reasons like
that are going to fail. They're not going to make
it because they're doing it just because they were with
(07:18):
that pressure. Yeah, all right, So let's see what these
people said.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Sarah thirty three. Sarah divorced two years ago because her
husband cheated. Luckily, they didn't have kids or any property issues.
They split up amicably and went their separate ways. Now
Sarah is remarried and pregnant. She and her new husband
are very happy. Her ex husband is like a distant memory.
(07:42):
Sarah said her ex husband contacted her after the divorce
and wanted to get back together. She said, no, he
messed up his life and realized Sarah was a good
woman who would be a stable partner. But he made
a mistake, and why should she fix it for him?
Why would she wait around for him?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
He made a mistake, and why would she fix it
for him? So that that statement is a problem for me.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
I agree with that. Why why is it on you
to fix it? There? Forgiveness is certainly a thing hearing
somebody out as the reasons to why there's not an
excuse for cheating. There certainly are reasons why people do
things in their life. Why did you have a kid?
Why did you get that job, Why did you move
out of state? Why did you cheat? Everyone has their
(08:26):
reasons for it, and I think gaining an understanding and
recognizing that there was possibly something in the relationship that
wasn't filling us cup up. We don't know what the
what it was. She could have been nagging, she could
have been withholding sex. I think that that is a
better way to look at it than fixing it for him.
(08:47):
There's nothing for you can't fix his mistake.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Right, Well, you can't pick down done right, and that's
that was my issue. You can't fix something that's happened. Yeah,
this isn't like a broken window, right. He did what
he did, and you guys have to accept that it
happened and then decide whether you're not moving forward is
what you want. But if he came back and tried
to apologize and tried to make things work, I mean,
that's her decision. She didn't want to do that, that's fine,
(09:11):
but don't worry. I just don't like the verbiage.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
I agree with this.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
If this is going to be one of those things
that every one of these divorces are men wanting their
ex wife because their life started to spiral afterwards. That
speaks to them marrying man boys, you know, adult children.
That's if you need a woman to if you need
a woman to keep your life in order, you you
married to your mother, Yes, but that speaks on on
(09:36):
you know, the sad state of affairs of what a
man is in this world. Now, you know, if you
have a leader, you have a good man that is
out there doing the fucking thing, and the marriage happens,
He's not gonna spiral, He's gonna thrive. You see it
all the fucking time. I'm willing to bet now that
this is the first one. I'm willing to bet almost
all of these are going to be sob stories of
men wanting the women back and women being the better thing.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
I hope not.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
I bet you it is. We have it right past
the first one. We're still in the first one, but
there's a final paragraph of the.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
First you have to move on. Sarah didn't understand it
at first, but she realized that leaving the wrong person
was the only way to find real happiness.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
I agree with that one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Yeah, me too.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
This so this speaks back to the societal expectations we
do because it is expected of us to do versus
doing it because this is really truly what we want. Yeah.
And I think that when it is something that you'd
really truly want, and it's something that you're both craving
and and you have the expectations of how you're going
to live your life, and you're willing to work through things,
you're willing to have the hard conversations from a place
(10:36):
of love and not angst, you're gonna get a very
different outcome. I also think that because gen Z is
doing what they're doing with the way that they're not
viewing marriage is like a need to do thing anymore.
I think the gen Z marriages will be the ones
that last until people are eighty ninety years old because
they're doing it because they see the value in a
marriage versus it just being what you're supposed to do
(10:56):
when you turn thirty, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
John John's ex wife wanted a divorce. She had fallen
for someone else and was willing to give up everything,
including custody of their child. John didn't want a divorce.
He wanted to give his ex wife another chance so
their child wouldn't grow up in a broken home. But
she was set on leaving. John had to get divorced.
When his child asked about it, he didn't tell the truth.
(11:21):
His ex wife said he was too boring and didn't
make enough money. She wanted a guy who was more
worldly and could give her a better life. John wasn't ambitious.
He was happy with a wife, a kid in a
cozy home.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
So that's important to recognize that that's success for some people. Yeah,
and that's why we've told people over and over again
on this podcast, you need to define what success is
for you, because success for me and success for John
may not look like the same thing. And that's fucking okay, right,
And this is why compatibility matters, and finding people that
match the same values that you have in the same
(11:54):
goals and aspirations fucking matters. Yes, you got to love
the person, not the idea of who they be, who
they can be, or.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
What or the fantasy of what they may be able
to provide.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Yeah, love the person, not the the illusion. Yeah, there's
a word that starts with the p love the person,
not the potential.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
There we go. I also want to touch on the
sentence John wasn't ambitious. Is that what the wife said, yeah, okay,
but his ex wife wanted things he couldn't give her.
They had gotten married because of unusual circumstances, and she
never loved him anyway. Once a woman makes up her mind,
there's no turning back. John tried everything, but he couldn't
(12:32):
win her back. They divorced, and she disappeared for years.
She didn't even come back to see their child. At first,
John waited for her to change her mind, but after
four or five years of no contact, he started dating again.
Just when he found someone he liked, his ex wife
came back. She looked like she'd been through a tough
few years and had aged a lot. She begged him
(12:52):
to give her another chance. She said she was sorry
for being so reckless when she was young, and she
knew she had messed up. This sudden left John confused.
His friends and family told him not to be soft
on her, but John was torn. She was his child's mother.
Would his child be happy if he married someone else?
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Okay, so there's a whole lot of what if in
all of this. Yeah, and again, this is an opinion piece, guys.
This is not an article written by a doctor. Sometimes
we find doctors written articles on here, and that does
have a lot of weight to it. This doesn't. This
is just somebody asking people questions and blogging about it.
She left and came back looking aged, means that she
went out and partied and got ran through and was
(13:31):
trying to reclaim some of her youth and was probably
out doing ho shit. Yeah, and that's the reality of it.
And then she realized four or five years later that
she wasn't able to find somebody that was willing to
settle down with her because of the life she was living.
Maybe she was past her prime and she was just
a fun thing for a little while. Yeah, Or she
realized that people that are in the market that are
at that age, most of them are also in the
(13:53):
same boat.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
So she came back and then he's an idiot for
even questioning that. Oh, yeah, she's been gone for four
or five years and you're worried about what your kid
thinks of your ex wife.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Right.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
A mother is a title that's given way too easily.
Speaker 3 (14:08):
Yeah, just because you give birth does not make you
a mother.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
Right, there's action that has to come behind that.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
Yes, intent, I have a lot of thoughts about that. Right,
As the child we don't know how old the child
was or is. Let's say fourteen years old. Child's fourteen
years old. Mom wants to come back on the life.
At fourteen years old, I was very angsty, and it
would be very hard for me to try and build
(14:35):
a relationship with the mother who abandoned me because she
wanted to get dick right or chase cash or whatever
she wanted in her life. We hear it all the time.
I didn't ask to be here.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Yeah, I don't believe that anymore.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
I don't believe that either.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
I also think that's a very big pity me statement,
a big what statement, oh kitty me statement. Yeah, as John, Yeah,
there would not have been. I would have opened my
front door seat in her face and be like you
look rough and closed down. Yeah, wrote hard and put
away wet.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Broke my heart, no contact, no trying to fix this right.
And she even said she never loved him, So what changed?
You don't love me? You love what I can give.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
You it because men are expected to provide.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
Yeah, get out of here with that. Michelle thirty six.
Michelle and her ex husband used to be very much
in love. They started from nothing and built a good
life together. And then the saying money changes a man
proved true. After they became well off, Michelle's husband told
her to quit her job at the company and to
be a stay at home mom. Michelle trusted her husband.
(15:43):
She had another baby. They had another baby. I just
corrected that. Yeah, but while she was raising the kids,
her husband cheated on her. So I want to pause there.
I'm not going to keep reading just yet. I don't
believe money is the reason he cheated on her.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
No either, Okay, let's so, let's let's okay. This is
a great, great time to have a conversation. Becoming a
stay at home is hard. Yeah, I'm not saying it's
not the hardest job you'll ever do. It's just hard.
Your social interactions become significantly less. You latch onto your
partner as like your go to source to the outside world.
(16:21):
Most women stop going out. Their social interactions are usually
like a target run or something where they have to
go do something and they have got the kids with
them because the other person's at work and they don't
have a sitter. They're not doing self care. They're likely
not going to the gym. They revolve their life around
being a mom, not a wife, but a mom. That's
(16:42):
why it said stay at home mom, not a stay
at home wife. When your identity becomes that, it becomes
very hard for you to connect with other people. And
you can even look at this with us with the dogs, Yeah,
we are we are currently dog parents. We have two
service animals. Well you've got a service animal. I have
one that is just my dumb ass dog and I
(17:04):
love him to death, but he goes everywhere with me. Yeah,
and there's things that we can't do because I don't
want to leave the dogs behind. We don't want to
leave the dogs behind. So if we wanted to go
to the Pacific Northwest and do a meet and greet,
we'd have to find a weekend to fly in and
out versus going for the entire week because we'd have
to drive. And we could absolutely fly out there with
the dogs. It's not hard to get the paperwork to fly,
(17:26):
but we don't want to do that.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
Yeah, I would feel bad putting them through that.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Right. So as simple as that is with dogs, it's
imagine how much heart it is with an actual child
and how easy it is to make the excuses to
not do the thing when the self care goes well,
I'm not going out, so why do I need to
get dressed up? I'm not going out. Why do I
need to put a makeup? I'm not going out? Why
should I dress up? I'm not going out. Why don't
need to get my hair and nails done? They're just
gonna get ruined, like I'm the housekeeper. Like if I
(17:50):
get nails, they're gonna get broken. There's a whole lot
of conversation that goes into that that is very rarely
had when people are like, I want you to quit
your job. Yeah, bath times aren't a thing anymore. Like
there's a whole lot And then the man comes home
from work and is expected to take over the daily
duties of the children so that mom can get a
break while he's also tired. And that's never spoken about either,
(18:13):
because people don't have the hard conversations of what is
it going to look like when you get off of work,
how is the split child time going to look when
you get home? Or you gonna help with homework while
I take a bath. Like people don't do that. They
were like, you want to quit your job, I can
support you, And people are like, oh co great, and
I'm fucking work anymore. I love that let's go. Yeah,
but they don't have the real hard conversations. And they
do have the hard conversations, they don't have them once.
(18:34):
They don't have them over and over and over again. Finances, kids, schooling, religion,
all of that shit. People once they have the conversation
kind of treated USA boo and don't don't dive into it.
I'm willing to bet that that's what happened there. I'm
willing to bet that she let herself go, became a
reclusive a human being by choice because it's easier to
just stay home than it is a load the kids
up and go to the store. Probably lost lots of
(18:56):
her friends because he doesn't have a social circle anymore,
and let them. Mel Robbins says the biggest factor in
friendship is proximity. So most affairs happen at work because
that's the closest group of people to you. If your
best friend lives across the street and then moves the
other side of town, you and your best friend are
gonna have a big fall off. I saw theres too
that Sewan has been my best friend for twenty two
(19:18):
years now, and if we moved to Tennessee. Sean would
still be my best friend, but I would only talk
to him once or twice a month on Facebook. Yeah
you know what I mean. Unless I came down and
be like, hey, I'm here, let's get dinner, that friendship
would not fall off. We would always be friends, but
it would not be the same. It would shift, right,
And that's what happens in these situations. Guys, if you're
wanting to be a stay at home or this is
(19:38):
a conversation for you, you need to be very in
depth and plan out what's going to happen so that
you have a base understanding of what's what. And you
need to have your expectations of what your husband's going
to do when they get home or your wife if
you're going to be the stay at home, and what
self care looks like and video game time or bar
nights or whatever. Yeah, lot a whole lot in that.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Of things that I enjoy about being a stay at
home that a lot of women don't like is the
social aspect of it. Yeah, going to work, I don't
get to choose who I'm around for eight hours. When
I'm a stay at home, I get to choose who
I get to hang out with. I get to set
a schedule for myself. I get to pick and choose
where I go, what kind of interactions I want to have.
(20:22):
It's perspective, I suppose I also make it a point
to leave the house. So it's a choice, all.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Right, guys. As you know, there was a TikTok scare.
We lost the app for a whole twelve hours and
we have no idea what the future of the app
looks like, and with that, we are very concerned about
the loss of our following. We have a mastered most
three million followers across that platform with all four of
our accounts, and we are trying to push people to
other social media platforms to that In the event that
anything happens on one app, we have multiple other backup plans.
(20:51):
If you want to make sure that you're not missing
any content, we highly recommend that you check out our patreon.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
On Patreon, we have multiple tiers to choose from, starting
at ten dollars and to receive exclusive content at fifteen
dollars a month. You get access to our private discord
server where we've en massed in an absolutely amazing community
of supportive people. And beyond that, we have other tiers
to check out, along with my two private women's group.
If that's something you may be interested in.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Guys, on our fifteen dollars and higher tier, you have
access to live recordings. We record all of our content three, four,
sometimes five times a week live in front of our
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(21:37):
sit down usually once a week and have a glass
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(21:59):
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Speaker 3 (22:09):
The best way to support what we are doing is
to share the content. The second best way is to
check out our Patreon. Thank you guys for being here.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Yeah, and so, and then you can also have to
factor in the age of your children. Yeah, because if
you're dealing with two under two and you or like
an infant and a four year old, it's a lot
to deal with that. But if you've got an and
a nine year old and you want to go somewhere,
you just fucking load them in the card and go, right,
they're pretty much going to keep themselves entertained, Like you
know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
Yeah, so I had two under two.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
It's hard.
Speaker 3 (22:38):
Yeah, a lot of park time, right, a lot of
like going to ponds, looking at ducks and libraries.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
But you're very okay with sitting out in nature and
not doing shit. Oh yeah, and so like, but we
also understand now that there is a social cup that
has to be filled with you. And for the longest
time on the podcast, you're like, I could be a
bog witch and get six months of interaction in a day.
I didn't go back into the woods. And we know
that that's not true. We know that you do need
social interactions, but you get, like you said, you get
(23:07):
to choose one. That is versus being forced to socialize
with people. You know, when people go to work and
fucking hate their boss or hate their co workers and
are forced to just go, you know.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
To to comment on that bog which I think I
could go a month yeah, yeah, interact with people for
a day or two and then go recluse for like
a month. I'm still not super social. People still dream me,
especially after our retreat. It's a lot.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
I don't think you'd go a month. I'd give you
two weeks top, Yeah, because yesterday you were fucking going
through it an see as shit, not wanting to be
in the house. We did a lot yesterday like you were.
I think I get. I give you two two weeks
with love, two weeks with love, Okay.
Speaker 3 (23:52):
I feel like we need to test this now, girls,
crazy documentary or something.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Nope, not me.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
I also don't think you could go a month without
me being in the household.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
A month without you being in the household.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
Yeah, Like if I went to like a bog which lifestyle.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
I'd have to go. We'd be miserable together.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
Yeah, yeah, I don't think i'd be miserable.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
You would, because I'd be miserable and I'd ruin it.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
Yeah, you're complaining. Does take things down a few pegs.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Mosquitoes, moistures sucks.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
I'd be feeding the alligators.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
And that would be the last last time anybody ever
saw Chris. Oh my goodness, could you'd be feeding the alligators?
Speaker 3 (24:32):
Why would I feed you? To the allegations?
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Where else you gonna get food?
Speaker 3 (24:36):
You don't think we're gonna go shopping before we go
hide out for a month.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Oh see, well that doesn't that doesn't count.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
That does count. No, I don't know how to hunt.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
All right, let's get back to.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
It, all right, So I'm going to reread the last
sentence because we just talked a lot. She had another baby,
I corrected that day, had another baby. But while she
was raising the kids, her husband cheated on her. Michelle
was devastated. She couldn't stand it, so she decided to
get a divorce. They split their assets and each took
one child. That's wild to me.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
Why is that so?
Speaker 3 (25:09):
As a mom. John's ex wife just took off, gave
up custody of the child, didn't see her for years,
him for years. That the baby splitting and then each
taking one child. I just I can't fathom that. I
have never envisioned. I know it, like consciously, I'm aware
that that's a thing, that there are just some moms
out there who aren't meant to be moms. They've had
(25:31):
children for whatever reason, whatever the circumstance was, and I've
decided to not be a part of that child's life.
And I'm not judging that, I'm not shitting on that.
That's just it's hard for me to fathom.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Yeah, I think that in a situation where there's two
kids and a divorce happens, I think one parent should
get each kid and there should be no child support.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
I couldn't go without seeing the other child.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Well, it doesn't mean you can't see them, just means
that the other parent has custody of one of them.
Guys could swap weekends. Yeah, you still have a relationship.
There's ways to make that work. It would just take f.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
I agree with the no child support on that, all right.
Continuing after the divorce, Michelle took one of her children
and moved to a different city to start over. Later,
she found out her ex husband wasn't doing so well
through their child. Michelle learned that her ex husband didn't
marry the other woman right away. They just lived together.
Her ex husband wasn't dumb, he cheated just for fun
(26:23):
and didn't want anything serious with the other woman. But
the other woman just wanted to enjoy life and didn't
want any responsibilities. She didn't want to take care of
Michelle's ex husband or his child. They argued a lot
over small things. All the women wanted was money.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
I believe that.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
I believe that too. She didn't even take Michelle's child
to the doctor when he was sick. Child had to
call Michelle, who then contacted her ex husband.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
All right, so before the move any further than that,
Like this speaks on a whole different level of why
you shouldn't be with people who don't want kids. Right,
But in the same conversation, that's not that ladies' responsibility.
If they're just fucking and living together and she's the girlfriend,
she doesn't have to do those things. The mom moved
away with the other kid, like moved to a whole
(27:08):
nother city, Like, you don't even get to be bitter
about this that point, At this point, you guys should
have stayed in the same town so that you could
have done the co parenting thing together and made that work.
Her moving away the way that she did, Like, you
don't get to be bitter about the fact that any
of this is happening. Yeah, but I also think that
dude shouldn't have been with a woman who has an
issue with kids. I agree with that, And I also
think that that's neglect leaving that kid sick and not
(27:29):
being taken to the doctor when something's wrong. So dude's
a piece of shit for that.
Speaker 3 (27:34):
Her ex husband told her he was sorry. He said
he shouldn't have thrown away his happiness and wanted her
to forgive him, but it was too late. Michelle said
that maybe when her youngest child was older, she'd take
her oldest son back.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Okay, so right now we're one woman or one man regretting,
one woman regretting, and then one man regretting.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
As for her ex husband, she didn't think she could
ever trust him again. Who regrets divorce first? For most couples,
it's the person who messed up. Who regrets it? They
only realize how good things were after they've lost them.
But you can't turn back time. What's lost is lost.
Even if you get forgiven and get back together, there
will always be a crack in the relationship that could
(28:14):
break again. So I added this into my book, and
I say this to the children. When you add always
or never to your statement, it almost immediately makes it invalid.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Why is that?
Speaker 3 (28:27):
Because you can't say that definitively worthy of her forgiveness
shows that there's not a crack in that relationship anymore
worthy of a trust, worthy of a trust. That's what
it was, worthy of a trust. If anything, their foundation
has been reinforced and is stronger. So saying that there
will always be a crack in the relationship because somebody
makes a mistake is wrong.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Right, Well, so we know that the foundation of trust,
when broken, will never be the same, But it doesn't
mean that it can't be repaired. Right, That scar will
always be there. If you break your concrete and you
have to have it replaced, there's going to be discoloration,
there's gonna be something that makes it look different than
the rest of the floor. Doesn't mean the foundation's not
fucked up right, like it could be completely healed. This
(29:08):
hole for most couples is the person who messed up
who regrets it. They only realize how good things were
or how good things were after they lost them. I
gotta be honest. I don't know too many men who
like personally who go man, I wish i'd have fucking
corrected my behavior. I think that a lot of that
happens out of loneliness. I don't think that it's a
(29:28):
lack of I don't believe that it's because they are
still in love with their person. I think that they
love the comfort that that life gave them. And that's
not why you should be married. If you only want
to go back there because it was easier. Maybe maybe
your ex wife did all the things that you wanted
to do around the house and you had a made
or maybe they didn't nag about your video games, but
(29:49):
they nagged about your drinking, and now all you want
to just play video games because you quit drinking, right,
Like you know what I mean? Like I just I
don't know. I don't I don't I really, you're right.
I don't like the definites. I don't like speaking in definite.
I think that you're very foolish when you do that.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
I agree, and I said almost. What did I say?
Almost always invalidates it? And I said almost, because there
are definitive things in our universe. The sun will always rise, yeah,
hopefully right. The moon will always be in the sky,
The ocean is always going to do its thing continuing.
(30:22):
Some people take things for granted. They think they can't
lose what they have and even if they do, they'll
find something better. Well, when they finally face the reality,
they realize it's not what they thought.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Joni Mitchell's song is in my head now. You don't
know what you've got until it's gone. Yeah, so that
but that speaks on love, yeah, right. There's a difference
between people being in a relationship and having love for
one another and being in love with one another. And
if you make a mistake while you're in love and
you lose your person, it's a very different breakup or
divorce than losing somebody that you've been in the roommate
(30:54):
based with for the last eight years. Right. And I
also think that speaks on the quality of person they
meet afterwards, Like if the woman that left that came
back looking ragged when she came back. If she would
have left and found a man that was willing to
treat her the way that she wanted to be treated
and provide that life, she did never went back to
that dude. She'd never thought about that guy a second
chance ever Again. She abandoned her kid and her marriage
(31:15):
would have been the end of it.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
Yeah, but when when they finally face the reality, they
realized it's not what they thought. There aren't always better
people waiting for you. It's all just wishful thinking.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
Some divorce couples regret it because the person who wanted
the divorce first regrets it. Even if they do even
if they didn't do anything wrong. They realized that life
is not as good as it was, they think they
should have stayed together.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Okay, so let's before movingny further than that, let's talk
about how much how different life is for people when
they get married.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Men tend to make more money, They're more likely to
get a high paying career, not a job. They live longer,
on average, two to three years longer if you're married.
Stress and heart disease goes, downtime diseases lessened. There are
a whole lot of things. I haven't put all this
on my book recently, so these stats are fresh. But
there's a whole lot of things that pan into the
(32:08):
what it means to have a marriage and how it
affects a life of a man. Because those stats have
been written about men, I'm willing to bet if I
was to google, you know, women's lives and marriage, how
much better their life is. I don't even have to
do that. I can tell you right off. Rip. You
know the difference when you look at an old couple.
The woman always looks prim and proper and not beat
up in abuse, and the man is hunched over it
(32:29):
can barely fucking walk and is on his last leg
right because he's worked himself to death to provide that
woman of life that's been easy enough for her to
stand up straight. That's the fucking difference.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
They realize that life is not as good as it was,
so they think they should have stayed together. These people
are usually weak and depended too much on their partners.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
I agree, I agree, yeah, but that doesn't negate the
fact that people do better as a team than on
their own right, and these scenarios of what she's listed.
I agree those people weaken dependent too much on the partners. Yes,
I think that you should be leaning on your person.
Speaker 3 (33:02):
Okay, if a marriage isn't completely broken, why get divorced?
If you regret divorce because your life is worse now,
getting back together might not be better. It could even
be worse. I agree marriage is complicated. Most people learn
as they go trying to figure out what works. It's
hard for two people to come together. It's important to
be understanding, supportive, and encouraging. That's how you make things work.
(33:25):
If you just do what you want and regret it later,
it won't do you any good.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
Well, I mean, if you just do what you want
and regret it later and you don't think about the consequences,
is probably gonna get you divorced anyways. Yea, like the
guy that cheated in the earlier part of this, I
think there's a lot more of this conversation. So this
is the downside of reading these articles off medium because
we don't pre read them. We just pick one based
off the title and read it hoping for the best.
And some of these articles are really really good, and
(33:50):
some of them aren't. And this is one of these
articles that was very lackluster. Yeah, but we recorded it,
so it's going to go up. I do think the
conversation about the stay at home mom was a very
valid conversation. I think there needs to be very big
discussions about marriage, about what you want out of life,
what it's going to look like for kids with is
college even a thing? Or do you want your kids
to go to a trade school, what your religion looks like,
(34:11):
your retirement. All of those things need to be had
on regular basis. Is not just when you first meet.
You should be having those conversations constantly. Our five year
plan over the last three years has changed so many
times that I can't even tell you right.
Speaker 3 (34:26):
Yeah, our five year plan is just kind of up
in the air. Now. We know what we want to
do next month.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Yeah, and that's enough for us right now, because we
are doing things to get to the point where we
can make the decisions for the five year plan. But
we're also pretty happy with our life. Yeah, you know
what I mean. And that's the difference. We're not living
for the moment. We are absolutely planning for a future,
but what that future looks like is not really super
important to us right now because we're living today. I
(34:53):
thought about this yesterday while we were driving to that
crystal store in Fort Myers. We're driving down seventy five, say, man,
I fucking hate this drive. And then I heard Syl's
voice say that the shaman told us at the ceremony
that every time you do something, it's the first time
you've done something, because no two moments are the same.
Speaker 3 (35:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
So like I'm like, okay, so I've made this drive
probably two hundred times. Yeah, what's new. Oh, there's a
piece of debris on the road. Oh, that tree's knocked over. Look,
there's an alligator. Right, and now I'm seeing my surrounding
versus just zoning out while driving. And it changed my
perspective of the day, right, Like, it started making the
day more enjoyable. We had a really good day yesterday.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
I think a lot of that comes down to understanding
that every fight you have isn't the same fight you've had.
If you're having the same fights over and over again,
it's because things aren't getting resolved. Yes, because yeah, you're
not listening, or you're not able to understand, or maybe
you just don't agree, and all of that's okay. But
if you did the work to find out how compatible
you were with your person before you got married. That
wouldn't be a problem. So, because this is only forty
(35:55):
minutes before edits, what we're gonna do is we're gonna
go ahead and put a bash on this. We're gonna stop
all the equipment. We have to go ten minutes on YouTube,
but then we're going to pop back in and we're
going to finish doing another one of these so that
this is a full long episode and it works to
give you, guys a little bit more content. We'll see
uy shortly.
Speaker 3 (36:12):
Hey guys, a little quick interruption. If you're enjoying the content,
please leave alike, and also don't forget to comment. We
enjoy interacting with you guys and hearing your opinions and
it helps the algorithm.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
It's also free to do, and if you really want
to help make sure the show continues to do, hit
the subscribe button and share the content across your social media's.
It costs you nothing and it greatly helps the show.
All right, guys, So it has been a couple of
days since we were here last doing any type of recordings.
Actually been like a week. We've had crazy things life happening,
and we are getting ready for another I retreat. We
(36:42):
have cost Rika coming up in less than a month.
At this point, we announced the Grease trip. Like there's
been so much Look at you just shimming over there.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
Life is insane. It's amazing, and I am really stoked.
I'm really excited for what I'm going to get away
from this upcoming weekend. I have some things in my
soul that I really need to work through, and I
have high hopes that she'll be able to to guide me.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
I want to have a conversation about all that. Okay,
let's save that for the live stream so that they
can be involved. Okay, because we are not currently recording
live in front of our Patreon audience. We are doing
this just to get extra content because we're going to
be gone so much for the next couple months. This episode,
or this this this medium article is by our favorite
doctor on here any tansagurn, tans of garn tense.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
What's that chick's name from Game of Thrones Targarian?
Speaker 2 (37:29):
Yeah, I don't know. This lady's actually an actual PhD
though she's got PhD after her name, so I'm assuming
she's a real doctor.
Speaker 3 (37:36):
She's got credentials.
Speaker 2 (37:37):
Yep. So this says why you may sabotage yourself when
things are going wrong.
Speaker 3 (37:41):
How unhealings are going well.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
Going well, I'm sorry, and how unhealed trauma plays a
key role in self defeating behavior.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
Ooh, okay, before we even jump into it, I'm going
to take a I'm going to shoot a dart in
the darkness. It has to do with the nervous system
becoming so accustomed to chaos that when there is calm,
your body doesn't know how to react and facilitate that
chaos so you can feel comfortable again.
Speaker 2 (38:05):
I covered something like that in my book. Yeah, I'm
almost done. I have two chapters left to right. Yeah,
I'm gonna do an August release date. Okay, let me
pic a date right now while we while we're recording.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
I have started and rewrote chapter two four times now
and I got frustrated with it and how to walk away.
Speaker 2 (38:22):
Gonna I'm gonna drop it on August fifteenth. Oh, that's
a good Friday, eight fifteen. So my new book does
not have a name yet, will drop eight to fifteen
of this year. I don't know what i'mna call it yet.
Speaker 3 (38:35):
Okay, I think it'll come to you.
Speaker 2 (38:38):
I think it's going to be I'm not broken, something
like something along those lines. I don't know, or you
are not broken. It should be you're not broken because
it's not me reading about me. It's me writing about
you like the reader. So you are not broken. Right,
let's do the thing.
Speaker 3 (38:53):
Okay. We have probably all heard of the term self sabotage,
and many of us have likely engaged in self defeating
behavior one time or another in our lives. For example,
just as things seem to be taking off in your
life and we're going well, you may have thrown a
wrench into the works and picked a fight with someone
that you love or made an impulsive decision to quit
your job. Then you may have sat back and felt
(39:16):
victimized because the person you love started distancing themselves, or
the promotion you were up for is now going to
your coworker. On one hand, this kind of self sabotage
behavior places you had a disadvantage and can victimize you.
Yet on the other hand, this kind of behavior is
what can make you the villain in your own life.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
Okay, so let's talk about that for a second, because
that's one of those things that if somebody gets a
promotion and you don't, or the other thing was that
you may have been set back and felt victimized because
your person you loved that you loved started distancing themselves.
This is an opportunity for you to talk to people
and get feedback, collect data, and start adjusting your life.
If your boss brings somebody else in for a promotion
(39:56):
after the promotions, going back to be like, hey, I
understand I got pas. I'm not salty about it. I
would like to know what I need to work on
because in the future I would like to be considered
for the promotions. So what are my weak points? If
you go in there and be like, I can't fucking
believe you hired this bit.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
It's been here for seven years.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
That's why you didn't get hired. That's why you didn't
get the promotion. Like, let's work on our communication skills.
Let's go in here and try to diffuse a nuclear
war and fucking get our shit figured out. It's not hard.
Speaker 3 (40:23):
It might be hard when you first try to do
it because it feels like foreign territory to you, especially
if it's never been made of an.
Speaker 2 (40:29):
Example of I yeah, I agree.
Speaker 3 (40:31):
Well, once you start getting into it, it's the easiest
thing ever.
Speaker 2 (40:35):
It really does become second nature. This really does come
down to the way that you're brought up, and there's
a whole lot of self entitlement there. Just you think
that just because you've been at a job for a
long time that you deserve something. You're selling your time.
If you're not going above and beyond selling your time,
why would they give you more responsibility or higher pay?
Speaker 3 (40:51):
Right, you're not proving yourself to be more of an
asset beyond what you are already doing. What's the point, right?
Speaker 2 (40:56):
Right? Not everybody's meant to lead, though, and people are
very happy being.
Speaker 3 (41:00):
And that's okay. When it comes to self sabotaging behavior,
most people are not out there consciously trying to hurt themselves. Instead,
there is often a pattern that resonates within a self
defeating cycle. The cycle usually begins when you experience something
good happening in your life, such as being up for
the promotion, preparing for your college graduation, or finally experiencing
(41:21):
a relationship with a romantic partner that shows healthy and
emotionally mature investment. The two common themes here are a
The patterns tend to surround significant experiences in your life,
and b there is a high stake situation that means
something significant to you emotionally. One of the most common
forms of self sabotaging behavior is seen in our intimate relationships,
specifically with a romantic partner. After any initial happiness or
(41:44):
excitement wears off, there is an emotional shift that can
start to happen. It may be slow at first, like
a fleeting thought do they really care about me? Or
is this just wishful thinking on my part. These self
doubts plant another seed that leads to fear, consuming any
happiness you may have love. Before long, you can start
convincing yourself that they are going to abandon you anyway,
(42:05):
or that they weren't the right person for you. One
of the deepest wounds surrounding self sabotaging behavior is a
toxic misbelief that anything good that you have rightfully achieved
or received will be taken away from you.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
It comes from abuse too.
Speaker 3 (42:19):
Yeah, for me, I think that started with love.
Speaker 2 (42:23):
Well, I mean it makes sense because your love was
withheld as a punishment, you know, but that's exactly what
it is. You get any type of manipulator, any type
of parent that will dangle something over your head like
a carrot gets you to perform, or the moment that
you do something disappoints them, they can just strip everything
away from you. Like there are certain aspects of grounding
that I think makes sense, right, like taking a TV
(42:44):
out of the room, Like that's totally fair. It's not
your TV, it's mine, right, But Christmas gifts and Birthday
gifts and all of those things, like, I don't know,
I have a hard time with that because it's theirs,
Like that was a gift that was bought for them.
It's not a high end item. You know. Little man
plays with straws and coat hangers. Yeah, so like I
could take a straw or a coat hanger straw and
(43:05):
they're my coat hangers, right, Like that's how I view that.
But like his big dinosaurs and shit, we don't ever
take any of the stuff from him because it was
always big gifts like those are his. And I think
that we learn that our house is our home, and
the things that we own our ours until somebody takes it.
And when you're little in powerless and can't stop them
from taking it. Now you have that fear of somebody's
to take this from me.
Speaker 3 (43:26):
Right, somebody bigger than me, somebody with more authority.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
I wonder if that's why dogs starts to resource guard,
that fear of somebody taking it.
Speaker 3 (43:33):
Oh, that's a good question I just had a thought of.
Is that why Bain does what he does? But no,
we don't really ever take anything away from him, right.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
But that doesn't mean that the litter that he was
born in didn't have a more aggressive dog that would
take everything. Because he's a he's a goober. He's a big,
loving goober. But he absolutely does take her bone from
her whenever she walks away from it or he sees
that she's got it, he'll go take it, you will.
And it's not an aggressive thing. He does it because
he wants to have all of the things.
Speaker 3 (43:58):
He wants to have all he collects them like a
dragon with coins.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
Start calling him smog.
Speaker 3 (44:07):
I love that our dogs have nicknames. I promise gonna
get back into the article right after this. I call
Ivy like sweet girl, sweetheart baby, and he's doopy boy
and Bubba and bubba and sometimes dumbass.
Speaker 2 (44:21):
Yeah he is that, but it's said love.
Speaker 3 (44:23):
It is very much said with love.
Speaker 2 (44:26):
I call him a dummy quite a bit.
Speaker 3 (44:28):
Yeah, my mom had a little Yorky maybe three pound dog.
I started calling her little shit instead of her name
was Lily, and she started responding to little shit. But
it was said in a very loving way, and she
would get excited about it. All right, now we're getting
back into the article. Hence, the misbelief is rooted in
(44:51):
fears of feeling unworthy and not good enough. Self sabotaging
behavior is double edged. It's not just about hurting yourself
when something positive is happen in your life, but also
about continuing to hurt yourself when something bad is already happening.
For example, a common theme for many with a history
of self defeating behavior is to stay in a toxic
relationship that has overstayed it's welcome. If this resonates with you,
(45:14):
you may notice that you have made excuses for their behavior,
their infidelity, poor treatment towards you, or other toxic patterns
that replayed in the relationship. It is common for us
to even go as far as blaming ourselves for their
poor behavior. We stay because we are stuck on their
potential and stuck on the hope that they will get
their life together and see our value and worth. We
(45:36):
stay out of fear. These fears consume us in believing
we will not find happiness elsewhere, or that this is
as good as things will get. I can't leave, this
is all there is for me, becomes the mantra.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
It sounds like such a self defeated thing to say
I would rather be alone than be with somebody who
makes me miserable one hundred percent. Right. I can be
alone and miserable on my own. Why would I want
to deal with somebody else's shit. I'm being miserable right,
Like people are in your life are supposed to add
value to it.
Speaker 3 (46:04):
One hundred percent. Speaking on my old mindset, my defeated
me and my broken me, the self sabotaging me, it
was scary to be alone, the thought of coming home
and not having somebody there, even if they were treating
me like shit. At least I wasn't living life by myself.
I also clung to other people's company and their thoughts
(46:28):
of me. Okay, let me rephrase that I derived my
self worth from the people around me, So if there
was nobody else there, I am the only person who's
feeding into myself, and I was not a good well
to be drinking from. So the toxic the people that
I had in my life were very much you're a
(46:48):
piece of shit, but I'm the only person that's going
to love you for what you are. So it was
a very poor give and take of the positive and
the negative. There was a lot more negative than the positive.
But I was so used to getting the scraps of
life that that positive was good enough for me.
Speaker 2 (47:05):
Right, you accepted it, right? You know that when people
go through the breakup, there's like phases if they stay
alone long enough, and it starts with like the obsessively cleaning,
finding makeshift work to do just to keep yourself busy,
to not try to like reach out to your ex or.
Speaker 3 (47:19):
Whatever, not think about the relationship.
Speaker 2 (47:21):
Right then the accountability starts to set in. You start
to realize, like, these are the things that I'd wrong,
these are the things that they did wrong. And then
eventually it's like risky business. Yeah, you just turn your
fucking radio and put your sunglasses on a slide across
the floor in your underwear, and you have the greatest
night of your life because it's your fucking apartment, it's
your house. You can listen to what you want to
listen to. You can dance the way you want to dance.
You don't have to get dressed if you don't want to.
You can eat rabuolois out of the can like dude,
(47:42):
the fuck you want to do. It's your house. And
then there's a freedom in that, and that freedom is huge,
and it becomes addicting. Like there's a very real fear
for people who have been single for a long time
about never actually getting into another long term relationship because
they've come so accustomed to having the things that make
them happy that they don't want to give that up
to share life with somebody. And that's why you need
to have the conversations of what it looks like to
(48:02):
live with somebody.
Speaker 3 (48:04):
I want to elaborate a little bit more on that.
You came home the other day and the children were
painting and I was cleaning or cooking, I was doing something,
and on our TV was plastered justice picture of a
crystal and like sound baths and frequencies and whatnot. That
that is part of my happiness, and that is something
that I was not willing to suppress. Right, Like, if
(48:27):
you wanted to come home and watch something you have,
but you have your own computer setup.
Speaker 2 (48:30):
You got nice headphones, noise counseling, right, and I've been
taking advantage room. I knocked out three chapters of my
book yesterday with fucking headphones on.
Speaker 3 (48:38):
Yeah, and the kids were being rambunctious.
Speaker 2 (48:39):
I didn't hear any of it.
Speaker 3 (48:40):
Our son got in trouble in the corner.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
I didn't even know that happened them. That was worth
every bit of that four hundred dollars. And I bought
those for travel. I had no idea that they would
take such a president in our home. Like, I don't
like the any earbud things. I hate them, which is
why I don't use the air pods. Those bows go over.
They're comfortable, they do make my ear sweat, but like
I can't hear shit. Game on.
Speaker 3 (49:03):
Yeah, being productive as fuck? Yeah, the chaos going on. Yeah,
yesterday was dope continuing.
Speaker 2 (49:10):
What are you smiling about that? You were their predictive
as fuck, doing your little flirty like look at me.
I know you like it when I'm productive.
Speaker 3 (49:22):
I do. I think it's really hot.
Speaker 2 (49:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (49:25):
Yeah, I have been with the couch potato. Yeah, the
the gaming for ten hours a day and then getting
upset when I ask if we can leave the house.
God forbid. I want you to spend time with me
or work on something that's been broken for the last
six months.
Speaker 2 (49:40):
Yeah, yesterday was productive as fuck. You're not wrong. We
walked the dogs, I trained Bain twice. Yeah, ran Ivy
and Baine. Later in the day, wrote three chapters on
a book you recorded with Troy. I played video games
for two hours and still stayed up until one o'clock
in the morning working.
Speaker 3 (49:55):
That's insane. I fell asleep on the counch.
Speaker 2 (49:58):
I know it's okay. We turned TV off, but my head,
oh no, I put it on the TV. It was
background noise while I was doing my thing.
Speaker 3 (50:04):
I was out. I was so tired yesterday. The weeks
that we have the kids are definitely early bedtimes for me.
Speaker 2 (50:11):
Well, it works because that lets me sleep till seven
or eight in the morning, say getting up at five
or six with the dogs.
Speaker 3 (50:16):
I love our life set up. Every other week, I
get to sleep in, and then you get to sleep.
Speaker 2 (50:21):
In, and by the end of that week, when I'm like,
come the fuck on, just let me sleep in. YEP.
Speaker 3 (50:27):
I appreciate that you sacrifice that for me though.
Speaker 2 (50:30):
Yeah, it's not a big deal, laur who cares.
Speaker 3 (50:32):
Yeah, waking up five thirty six o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 2 (50:35):
Just take a nap, Yeah, you a little naptime in
the car something. I fall in sleep while editing too,
I have I have no twitch and smack the keyboard like,
oh shit, I was totally sleeping. Hey, let's get back to.
Speaker 3 (50:48):
This all right, back into it. On the flip side,
with many histories of self sabotaging behavior, will jump ship
when things are actually going well in their lives. They
may quit college a semester before they addu to garadgeait.
That sucks. A semester before they're due to graduate. Isn't
a semester like six weeks?
Speaker 2 (51:06):
I have no idea that was great education.
Speaker 3 (51:09):
Fifteen to seven weeks, fifteen to seven, fifteen to seventeen weeks. Okay,
I may have said seven. I didn't realize they're going
to start talking to men. I panicked for a second.
So what four eight twelve. That's a little over three months,
three months in the grand scheme of the maybe eighty
plus years that you're gonna live. My goodness, I couldn't
(51:30):
imagine that would break my heart to hear that somebody quit.
Speaker 2 (51:32):
I couldn't imagine getting that close and then stopping. Yeah,
Like it's like that that bad Water Basin race that
we watched with David Goggins, Like, could you imagine getting
within sight of the finish line and quitting. I'm a
fucking belly crawl. Oh god, yeah, if I have to,
I'm going to cross that finish line with scratch and
cuts up, bleeding. I don't give a fuck what it is.
I'm going. I'm going.
Speaker 3 (51:53):
I didn't suffer for this long, right, just to give
up when I can see the finish line. Not doing it.
I'm going to catch my thirty second wind. You've heard
of the second win people get when running and whatnot.
This is gonna be my thirty second one. Yeah, all right.
So they quit a semester before they do to graduate,
may impulsively move to a new city without a game plan,
(52:15):
or may convince themselves that a healthy relationship they are
deserving of is limited. For example, if you drop out
of college right before graduating, you may be ruminating on
the what ifs. What if the school places a hold
on your degree? What if you fail in a diffic
in a difficult class, or what if a degree audit
says you have more classes to take? Similarily, what a
(52:39):
strange word?
Speaker 2 (52:40):
I hate that word.
Speaker 3 (52:43):
Similarily.
Speaker 2 (52:45):
Similarily, that's right, I just can't say it while looking
at it.
Speaker 3 (52:49):
I'm overthinking it now, Like I feel like glue is never.
Speaker 2 (52:51):
Pronounced right, And now you're stuck on that word.
Speaker 3 (52:55):
Okay, moving on impulsively moving without a solid plan of
action can also set you up for failure. Along with
leaving a healthy relationship where your partner is showing commitment,
we leave out of fear. These fears consume us with
thoughts of being abandoned, rejected, rejected, or singled out. Leave
(53:16):
first before I get left behind becomes your mantra. The
self doubt spiral. Oh gosh, I am all too familiar
with the spiral spirals, not just a self doubt spiral,
the multitude of spirals that come with borderline personality. Since
our last retreat, though, I have not spiraled.
Speaker 2 (53:35):
Yeah, I haven't had a real episode since we did
the mushrooms three years ago. Yeah, Like, I've had moments
where my borderline's there, but it doesn't. It's not not
the same anymore so, And I'm glad that I love
that for you, Maybe that was the neuropathway ceiling in
your brain that you felt.
Speaker 3 (53:50):
Yeah. When self doubt surfaces, it triggers self defeating behavior.
Self doubt will either keep you stuck in a situation
that is toxic to your happiness yes, or it can
have you sabotaging a situation that is healthy and it's
actually bringing you happiness. When self doubt is in the
driver's seat, we try to convince ourselves that things aren't
so bad, which keeps us staying in a bad situation,
(54:12):
or that things aren't as good as they appear, which
has us abandoning a healthy situation. Scroll back up just
a little bit because there's something that I want to
touch on when self doubt is in the driver's seat. Yesterday,
when I was interviewing Troy, and this is actually a
part of my book, I said, I do not want
to be a back seat passenger of my own life.
And by that I mean I don't want self doubt
(54:34):
in the driver's seat. I don't want abandonment in the
driver's seat. I don't want anxiety or my depression or
the wealth of other negative things that I could be
experiencing that is causing me to not want to live
my life, not do my hobbies, not spend time with
my husband, or go play outside with the kids. Yesterday,
our daughter and I sat on the patio for twenty minutes,
(54:55):
just looking at birds and listening to the wind chimes,
not really even talking, just sitting with the you each other.
People don't really do that anymore now.
Speaker 2 (55:03):
We're too busy looking for the next distraction.
Speaker 3 (55:04):
Yeah. Yet, the thoughts you experience and moments of self
doubt are surface level and superficial. Many times, what you
are really saying to yourself is much more destructive and hurtful.
You convince yourself to back away from someone you love
because you don't believe you deserve happiness, so you question
their motives as validation to leave. First, you test them.
(55:25):
You push the envelope with boundaries to see if they
run or if they are still professing their love for you.
My food's here, all right? Is this timed out pretty well?
I'm going to actually take this moment. Whoever is editing this,
dang it. I'm plugging my women's groups. If that's something
you ladies are interested in, check it out. Men. If
(55:46):
your women need a support system and they're too stubborn
to leave the house. I have ladies groups. I have
a top tier women's group called Sacred Sisterhood. I also
have a lower tier women's group called Women's Thrive In.
The groups absolutely love it. There's so much benefit for
them out of it. There are weekly challenges, money, monthly
mini challenges, group calls, book prescriptions, dedicated chats for problem solving,
(56:11):
and so much more. Thank you guys for taking the
time to look at it. Jumping back in. So you
question their motives as validation to leave. First, just read
that you test them. You push the envelope with boundaries
and see if they run or if they still profess
their love. Ultimately, when you see happiness as a trap
and as something that will inevitably lead to more pain,
(56:32):
you end up setting the stage to ensure pain happens.
Or you convince yourself to stay in a situation where
you are being mistreated and are not loved because you
don't believe you are worthy of love or happiness, So
you question if you aren't the problem. You ruminate on
things you may have said or done as validation that
you cause the relationship issues. You punish yourself. Ultimately, when
(56:55):
you see happiness as a trap, you're self defeating. Thoughts
that you are unworthy of happiness eventually lead to a
self fulfilling prophecy of sabotaging it. When you engage in
self sabotaging behavior, it's often because you've been conditioned earlier
in your life to wrongly believe that vulnerability leads to pain.
You learn to expect pain when feeling anything that could
be expected as positive experience or experience.
Speaker 2 (57:20):
I mean that's not early in life that for men,
we know that vulnerability leads to pain. It took me
years before I was able to cry in front of
you like it did. There's there's like we made it.
We had a TikTok where you know what, I'm not
going to get that. We've talked about that a lot
on the podcast, So we'll just move right on.
Speaker 3 (57:37):
Okay. The correlation between trauma and self sabotage. If we
have experienced abuse or neglect in our formative years meeting childhood,
these adverse experiences can condition us to believe that we
are unworthy of anything but more abuse or neglect, The
fear of being vulnerable, of putting ourselves out there, be
(57:57):
it a new relationship, a friend, a family man, a job,
or another type of achievement such as receiving a degree,
can be paralyzing. We believe we are protecting ourselves by
pushing away, shutting down, or tapping out, when in reality,
we are setting ourselves up for more disappointment because it
feels comfortable and familiar. I still have a hard time
with friendship.
Speaker 2 (58:17):
Yeah, yeah, Why is that?
Speaker 3 (58:20):
I don't want to be open? I do. I do
want to be open. There is a fear there for
me though. There's always been a fear of they're gonna
gossip about me, They're going to talk shit about me.
That was a theme, not just in my friendships growing up.
That was a family thing. There was not a single
person I could go to my family to confide in.
(58:41):
I just always knew that everyone's going to know about
this by the end of the week.
Speaker 2 (58:45):
Right.
Speaker 3 (58:46):
There is that self preservation that happens because if I
don't feel safe talking to anybody, I might as well
just bottle it. And then there is now that that
fear of do they genuinely want to be my friend
or are they just using me to get access to the.
Speaker 2 (59:00):
Platform, right, which is a real concern. Yeah, that what
do they want for me? Has been a real thing
for me for a very long time, which is why
I keep everybody at a distance until I determine whether
or not I want a friendship with them, right right,
Because I think at that point it doesn't matter what
they want, like if I'm pursuing the friendship because I
want to be around them or I want to be
(59:20):
their friend, if they only wanted the platform, I was
the one that was chasing the friendship, right.
Speaker 3 (59:26):
So, and I am all, don't get me wrong, I'm
down to do business.
Speaker 2 (59:30):
Yeah, but just call it that's right.
Speaker 3 (59:32):
Just just be upfront with me. Don't fake friendship because
you think it's going to get you closer to me
and more access to what we have going on. We
have a platform to share everybody's stories. This podcast is
not just about my husband and I and our life
and the things we've gone through. We give a voice
to people who are scared to speak for themselves. So
I am one hundred percent down to share this with people.
(59:55):
Just don't lie to me about it, right, Don't don't
try to fake something and get my hopes up that
I'm actually being understood by another human being, and this
person cares about me and loves me for who I am,
when in reality, is just a leg up for them. Continuing,
the truth is, it's not the fears associated with success
or failure, but it's the fears associated with authentic happiness
(01:00:15):
that lead to self sabotaging behavior. For anyone who grew
up being neglected, not showed consistent love, safety, or support,
were told that they were worthless, a mistake, or were
physically abused, these wounds often become a permanent fixture in
their mind. Happiness, on whatever level it may represent, means
that we have to face our past pain. It means
(01:00:36):
we have to face the chaos we have been conditioned
to live in, the emotional scars we have buried and
learn to ignore, and the patterns that have been shaped
by these past experiences. As counterintuitive as it sounds, for many,
self sabotaging is associated with self protection. Becomes a defense
mechanism rooted in protecting ourselves from the dangers of emotional happiness.
(01:00:56):
Because happiness can trigger feelings of inferiority, imposter syndrome, or
not feeling good enough for positive experiences in your life.
The irony is that while self defeating behavior serves as
a momentary coping strategy against fears associated with happiness, it
actually reinforces the misbeliefs about yourself and others that you
are trying to avoid. Yet it's often not so much
(01:01:19):
about fearing happiness per se as much as it is
about fearing what happiness represents, the vulnerability that comes with it.
When you experience genuine happiness, the first thing many with
histories of self sabotage start to ruminate on is that
it can be taken away from them at any moment.
It becomes safer to avoid happiness at all costs. With
(01:01:41):
unresolved emotional wounding, Happiness can feel dangerous where your vulnerable
emotions and feelings can be exposed to others who can
use them against you or pull the rug out from
under you. And while this would suggest more about their
character as being incredibly toxic and narcissistic, it can feel
easier in the moment to pull the rug out from
under yourself. This links to our emotional wounding becoming clear
(01:02:04):
when we recognize that love, validation, attention, safety, and acceptance
may not have always been freely given in our childhood. Instead,
it may have been seen as conditional and something that
may have to be earned. Now, we may believe that
our adult happiness will inevitably be linked to more jumping
through hoops to prove our value and worth. For anyone
(01:02:26):
who was raised in such a toxic and unloving environment,
love and happiness can feel like anomalies. We have learned
to keep them just out of reach by pushing ourselves away.
I want to touch on can you scroll it just
a little bit? Love, validation, attention, safety, and acceptance may
not have been given freely in our childhood. It is
really hard for some people to look back on their
(01:02:49):
childhood and think that their parents didn't do the best
that they could in the moment. Right, of course, this
is everyone's first time living life, and every day is
a new opportunity to learn something, to learn to do
something different, handle something different, respond instead of react whatever,
whatever whatever. As children, with our brains developing, our parents
(01:03:10):
are superheroes, even if they are mistreating us to a
certain extent. Right, Once we come into our adolescents and
our brains are developing more and we have more consciousness
about us, and we are able to differentiate between that
doesn't feel right. We don't treat people like that. Those
kinds of things. There is a conflicting war in the
(01:03:31):
brain of well, that's mom, that's dad. They should love
me because they're my parent. And it's hard to see
your parents as just humans when you're able to take
a step back from your own life. I had a
conversation about this in my top tier women's group, the
Sacred Sisterhood. Once you're able to be a background character
in your life, you're able to see your life from
(01:03:52):
a third person perspective. You can see that your parents
are just human beings who have made mistakes. We say
all the time, all children deserve a parent, but not
all parents deserve children right. And once you're able to
see that within your own childhood, it's easier to digest.
I wasn't the problem as a six year old. I
(01:04:13):
wasn't the issue at nine years old. I didn't deserve
to be beat because I dropped a glass of water.
Those kinds of things. Breaking the cycle of self sabotage
is a journey that can feel both excruciating and empowering.
It's about rising up and overcoming years of negative conditioning
that had you fooled and believing you are not worthy
(01:04:33):
of happiness in your life. It's about reassessing your choices
and relationships over the years and how many of them, family, friends, coworkers,
and partners have resonated with a lack, a deficiency or
a repeat of self defeating behavior that reinforced your emotional wounding.
And it's about learning to challenge yourself and to teach
(01:04:54):
yourself to start believing that happiness and the vulnerabilities that
identify with it cannot be taken from you unless you
willingly hand them over by sabotaging yourself. Overcoming self sabotage
is not just about how it has affected your behavior,
but how the cycle has affected your emotional world and
your ability to feel and express happiness without the inevitable
(01:05:14):
fear that it will be taken from you. When you
learn to recognize the patterns within the cycle, you are
no longer scared that the rug will be pulled out
from under you. And when you learn to sit with
your vulnerability long enough to genuinely feel love or joy,
self sabotaging starts losing its hold on you in your life.
Healing does not happen by avoiding happiness, but by learning
how to embrace it. When you learn how to accept
(01:05:37):
love and to freely give love without the misbeliefs that
will be taken from you, you free yourself from the
binds of self sabotaging. No, these don't happen overnight. If
you think about it, You didn't learn how to sabotage
your happiness overnight, so you can't realistically expect to vulnerably
embrace happiness overnight either.
Speaker 2 (01:05:55):
It was a good way to end that article. Yeah,
this whole thing come down to learning to love yourself. Guys.
If you can't love you, nobody else is going to either.
And like we've talked about with the negative self talk,
the more you put it out there that you don't
love yourself, the more those around you are going to
see it. You're giving them permission to treat you like shit. Yes,
so start doing daily affirmations. Go fucking look yourself in
(01:06:18):
the mirror every day and give yourself five qualities about
you that you like, and maybe give yourself one that
you don't like. But lie to yourself, right, Like, maybe
you can turn a flaw into something that makes you
you proud. I don't know, but the affirmations need to happen.
You need to learn to love yourselves.
Speaker 3 (01:06:33):
You can either stand your ground or be the ground
that they walk on it and it's a choice. I
want to touch on something from the Let Them Theory, okay,
and then we can wrap up your thing. Mel Robbins
wrote the book They Let Them Theory, and that book
has been very impactful for myself. And somewhere in that book,
I can't remember which chapter, she talks about doing things
(01:06:56):
for people because you want to do it for yourself.
It makes you feel good to be a helpful person,
to be generous, to be loving, to go out of
your way to help somebody in need. Right You're willing
to disrupt your own day, your own schedule because it
makes you feel good to be that person in somebody
else's life who can help them. Not because you're obligated to,
(01:07:17):
not because it's expected of you, not because they harassed
you or pushed you over the edge or made you
feel like you had to do it, or there was
going to be a negative repercussion for it. And I
felt like that was a very impactful thing from that
book and reading that little last wrap up. The afterthought
of the article triggered that thought in me that.
Speaker 2 (01:07:36):
Left The book is a good one. Definitely a lot
of good information in that.
Speaker 3 (01:07:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:07:40):
Alright, guys. As always, remember you were the author of
your own life. So grab a pen and we'll see
you on the next one.
Speaker 3 (01:07:44):
Bye, guys,