You're not broken - Final

This is the first 5 chapters of my new book. You are not broken. I believe so much in my book that I am going to record the entire thing and post it for free in sections. Its also being posted to youtube. If you want to buy a physical copy. You can do so on amazon. https://a.co/d/cvHRcCV


Disclaimer: We are not professionals. This podcast is opinioned based and from life experience. This is for entertainment purposes only. Opinions helped by our guests may not reflect our own. But we love a good conversation.


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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Look up with come all the things up, beat it
on the bottom. Oh oh wow, it's you. You're my
favorite view. But that's nothing. All right, guys, we're back.

(00:24):
This is going to be the third and final installment
of my book You Are Not Broken. I want to
touch on something from yesterday's read for those of you
who are listening. We had a conversation yesterday about a
negative self talk in the book. And when I jumped
into the comments on YouTube this morning and was reading
through and checking to see how the videos are doing,

(00:44):
because ultimately I care, someone said that the negative self
talk chapter was fucking huge for them and that they
were going to start writing their negative self talk when
it happens in their journal, and then they're going to
try to backtrack to where that stems from. And I
thought that was absolutely genius, and I can't believe I
didn't think of it, and I can't believe I didn't

(01:06):
put it in a book, and I really think that
that is something that needs to be implemented. So if
you've just finished chapter or episode two of this series
and you've got your journal and you are somebody who
negative self talk, then you should probably be doing the
same thing. I think that's absolutely genius. So with that
being said, I'm going to just jump into this. Hopefully
we're not going to cry today. There was a whole

(01:26):
lot of tears yesterday, and a whole lot more on
the first one that we did. This is not going
to take very long. We're on page one forty five
right now, and I think the pages. I think there's
only one hundred and ninety four, so got, you know,
fifty pages to go. It should be an easy read today.
Sixty six degrees and Your Perception this is my favorite chapter.

(01:48):
Imagine this. You're at home, your air conditioner is set
to sixty six degrees. You're comfortable, shorts, t shirt, feet
kicked up. This is your happy zone, your chill, relax content.
Your partner, on the other hand, is bundled up, hoodie socks,
curled up in a blanket, teeth almost chattering. They look
at you and say, I can't take it anymore. This
house is freezing. You look over, like, what are you

(02:08):
talking about? This is perfect? You say you're crazy. This
is the ideal temperature. So who's right the person who
feels colder the one who feels fine. Truth is neither
in both because This isn't about temperature. It's about perception.
It's about experience. It's about reality and how reality shifts
depending on who you are and what you've been through.

(02:29):
Your reality is your reality, no one else is. So
let's take this a step further. Let's say a few
other people are there. Some agree with you, yeah, it
feels great, and hear other side with your partner. Are
you kidding? It's freezing? You're out numbered. Do you change
your mind? Do you start questioning yourself? Does the group
consistence shift your truth? Here's the thing. The thermosat hasn't changed.
The number is still sixty six. That's just a fact.

(02:51):
But how people feel about that number, that's where it
gets messy. Now imagine this. It's summer, ninety degrees outside.
You hop in your car and crank the AC to
sixty six. It feels amazing. That cool air hit your
skin like a breath of life. And now it's the
mid now, it's the middle of winter. You get in
the same car. Then you've got the heater set to yep,
sixty six, and suddenly it feels warm, comforting, like a

(03:11):
hug from your dashboard. Same temperature, different environment, different context,
different perspective. The truth didn't change. What changed was everything
around it. And that's what I'm trying to get you
to understand. When you're dealing with hard situations, conflict, breakups, divorces,
tension in your social circle, everyone will bring their own
temperature to the table. Everyone wants to decide if the
room is too hot or too cold based on their

(03:34):
comfort level. They'll sign their story to your situation. They'll
project their preferences, their trauma, their worldview onto something they
were not even involved in. They'll create a narrative out
of something that's not even theirs to interpret. And here's
the kicker. They believe they're right because in their universe
and their emotional temperature, that's the truth. That's what they feel,

(03:54):
just like yours feels true to you. But at the
end of the day, sixty six degrees is still just
sixty six degrees, not good, not bad, and not perfect,
not painful, just a number, a fact, a neutral, unbiased
point of data, and we the people, come in and
start assigning meaning to it based on our motions, our context,
and our stories. So what do you do with that?

(04:15):
You stop letting other people define your reality. You stop
letting their perception override your experience. You stop bending every
time someone else says it's cold in here when you
know in your gut you're finally warm for the first
time in years. People are going to talk. They're going
to twist it. They're going to tell you, they're going
to tell your story like it's theirs to tell. They're

(04:37):
going to say you were too cold to distance to whatever.
But that's their temperature talking. We have called this your
cognitive bias on the podcast and let them because when
you understand this and really understand it, you realize that
you don't need to argue, you don't need to defend
your thermostat, you don't need to win their approval. Phones
ran go away and say, at the beginning of this

(05:00):
this will be unedited, just like the other two. So
all the ums and us and stumbles as I'm reading
and all that shit, you guys get to sit and
bear with me, bear witness to it. How about that?
Because when you understand this and really understand it, you
realize that you don't need to argue, you don't need
to defend your thermostat, you don't need to win their approval.
Your truth is your truth. Their truth is theirs and

(05:22):
in the middle, somewhere in the silence between both perspectives,
that's where the actual objective reality lives, simple, neutral, waiting
for someone to assign meaning to it. So the next
time someone tries to tell you what your story meant,
what your emotion should have been, how you should have
handled things, remember it's just sixty six degrees, and you
get to decide what that means in your world. The

(05:45):
more you start to understand how people operate their cognitive biases,
they're conditioning the filters they see the world through, the
easier it becomes to let them have their own opinions
without letting it shake you, because that's what all of sorry,
because that's all most of it is opinion, perspective projection,
other people assigning their meaning to your story. And guess what,

(06:06):
you're probably the villain in someone's version of it, and
you're also guilty of this. Let them write it that way,
let them tell it however, makes them feel better, because
their version of you is not you. It's just their
interpretation of the situations that they were in their emotions,
their unresolved shit, the details they chose to highlight, twist
or flat out fabricate. It's the story they needed to

(06:26):
believe to make sense of things. And you know what,
that doesn't make them wrong, And it sure as hell
doesn't make them right. Even if they got a crowd
behind them, even if five more people co sign their
version and say yeah, that's what I heard too, that
doesn't change your reality. And let's go back to the metaphor.
Everyone says that sixty six degrees is too cold. They're

(06:46):
bundled up, uncomfortable and complaining. But you, you're sitting in
the same room wearing a T shirt and short it's
finally breathing easy for the first time in years. Who's
right you are? Because you're the one living your life.
You are the one in your body, with your history,
with your healing, with your choices, and if sixty six
degrees feels good for you, then that's the only answer

(07:07):
that matters. Their opinion doesn't get to override your peace.
Their discomfort doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. Their
version of your story doesn't get to dictate how you
live it. Their version of your story does not get
to dictate how you live it. Fucking love that live
it your life, Live your life anyway You were not
put on this earth to make everyone comfortable. You weren't

(07:29):
born to constantly adjust your thermostat based on everyone else's reactions.
You weren't meant to shrink your truth because it doesn't
match the group consensus. Because at the end of this life,
when it's all said and done and you stand before
whatever higher power you believe in, no one's going to
ask you about how well you manage others' expectations. You're
not going to be judged for how many people agreed

(07:51):
with you. You're not going to be held accountable for whether
or not you made someone else feel better about their
version of events. You'll be asked one thing, did you
live your life yours, not theirs, not the version people
created for you, not the image you felt pressure to maintain,
not the part of you you are cast in just
to keep the peace your life. Your choice is your story.

(08:11):
So why the hell would you waste your time worrying
about someone else's opinion of what sixty six degrees feels like?
Why would you bend, contort, and betray your own piece
to fit into someone else's story when you were never
meant to be the hero. Let them think what they want,
Let them feel what they want, let them stay cold
if they need to, But you stay where the temperature
is right for you, because the only person you have

(08:33):
to answer to in the end is the one staring
back at you in the mirror. That person deserves a
life that actually feels like their own. One of the
most quietly destructive parts of a relationship, the kind of
thing that creeps in over time, unnoticed until you're fully
buried in it, is trying to acclimate to someone else's temperature.
And look, some of that, some of that is just
part of love, part of marriage. You will make sacrifices,

(08:57):
you will make compromises. That's what partnership means. Two people
trying to coexist in the same space, with different upbringings,
different emotional temperatures, different needs. It's never going to be perfect,
and if you love someone, you will make adjustments. You
will bend, you'll do your best to find a balance
between your comfort and theirs. But here's where it gets
dangerous when the relationship starts to tilt too far in

(09:18):
one direction, when the balance becomes imbalance, when you find
yourself constantly giving up the things that make you happy,
the things that give you peace, the things that make
you you just to keep them comfortable. That's when you
lose yourself. That's when you start sending the message, intentionally
or not, that their happiness matters more than yours. And
sometimes those sacrifices don't feel like much in the moment

(09:41):
you give up. Little things change, ifew habits dull your
shine just a little, say yes when you want to
say no, Stay quiet when your gut is screaming. You
tell yourself it's not a big deal, that you're just
being supportive, that this is what love is supposed to
look like. But over time, those little things pile up
and suddenly you're gone. Your voice, your knee, your desires
buried under theirs. And the worst part, they get used

(10:03):
to it. They stop asking you what you want, they
stop checking in. They don't even notice the sacrifices anymore
because you've made it so easy for them to never
have to. And why would they. You taught them that
your comfort is optional. And I know, when I put
it like that, it sounds harsh. It sounds like I'm
putting the blame on you, and I'm not. But I
am giving it to you straight. When you are the
one to bend again and again, without boundaries, without speaking up,

(10:25):
you're showing them that they can take more. And if
they're not self aware, they'll just keep taking, not out
of malice, but out of habit. That's why the check
ins matter. It's why we created them so that you
can have hard conversations, so that you can learn how
to effectively communicate with each other. And that's why we
stress the importance of open, uncomfortable conversations. That's why we
say that you need to be willing to say the

(10:47):
hard things, even when it might lead to conflict, even
when it might hurt a little. Because this isn't about
winning or keeping score. It's about maintaining equity. It's about
making sure both people still feel seen, heard and valued.
Because your sixty six degree might feel just fine to you,
but your partner might be freezing or burning up, and
neither of you is wrong for how you feel. It's
just perception, experience, life lessons, and cognitive bias. And no

(11:11):
accountability doesn't mean blame, it means ownership. It means saying, hey,
I see how how this might be affecting you. I
still disagree, but I'm willing to hear you I'm willing
to work with you instead of trying to change your mind.
But we have to work together, not against each other.
They're cold and you're hot. Can coexist, but only if
you stop trying to convince each other that your experience
is the only valid one. Only if you stop treating

(11:33):
your comfort as default and theirs is inconvenience. Only, if
only if both of you are willing to do the
damn work to find a middle ground that doesn't require
either of you to disappear in the process. So, no,
you don't have to give up on the things that
make you happy, And no, they don't have to ignore
what makes them uncomfortable. But you do need to talk

(11:54):
about it. You do need to be honest. You do
need to stop pretending that you're okay with freezing just
because they need it cold, and stop asking them to
sweat it out just because you've gotten used to the heat.
Marriage isn't just about controlling the thermostat. It's about learning
how to share the air. Then if you can't do that,
someone's always going to feel like they're suffocating. I really

(12:15):
like this chapter, guys. This is my favorite chapter of
the whole book. Now it's a great time to pull
your new best friend out your journal, take a second,
breathe and start writing. And then start writing. I want
you to list all the things you can remember that
keep you and your partner from being on the same page.
The stuff that came up over and over again, the
tension that never really got resolved, the disconnects that made

(12:36):
you feel like you were speaking different languages even when
you were trying to fix it. What were the things
that you could have could have budged and could have
budged on and didn't excuse me? And more importantly, why
didn't you? Was it pride? Was it fear? Were you
trying to hold onto something that made you feel like
it's still mattered or you still mattered? Were you trying
to prove a point or were you just too tired

(12:58):
to fight? Then flip it? What were the things you
did give up up on and ended up regretting? Where
did you been too far? Where did you start letting
parts of yourself go just to keep the peace? What
did you silence, push aside, or let die in order
to make someone else comfortable? Write it all down? All
of it? Was it? The conflict? Was the conflict between you? Constant.

(13:20):
Did you feel like you were having the same argument
every other week, but with just with different words. Were
you both stuck emotionally grid emotionally gridlocked? Excuse me? Were
you both stuck emotionally gridlocked because neither of you wanted
to take the first step towards something real? Be honest here.
How much of all of that did it impact? How
much did all of that impact your overall view of

(13:42):
your marriage or relationship? Did it change how you felt
about them? Did it change how you felt about yourself?
Once you get all of that, now you've got something.
You've got the blueprints to your future, and it's in
your hands. This is why we journal, This is why
we don't avoid the hard conversations because what you just wrote,
that's the fact foundation of every conversation you're going to

(14:02):
need to have when you decide to start dating again.
You know where the cracks were, You know what your
non negotiables are, where you know where you gave too
much and where you refuse to give at all, And
that kind of self awareness that's rare. Most people don't
have that going into new relationships. Most people are just
winging it and carrying all the luggage from their past,
baggage from their past. You won't be so now when

(14:25):
you sit across the table from someone and things feel good,
you'll also be paying attention not just to how they
make you feel, but how they handle conflict, communication, accountability, balance.
You'll have actual questions to ask, real conversations to have.
You'll be able to say, here's what I've learned, here's
what I'm looking for. How do you feel about this?
And hopefully you'll be able to learn if they can
meet you there or not. And if the answer is no,

(14:47):
cool move on. Better to know in three dates than
after three years. That's the point of all of this,
not to just heal from what happened, but to stop
it from happening again, to stop sleepwalking into relationships with
people who we're never actually compatible with the real you.
I know, people don't want to be called Karen's. No
one wants to be that person, the one who speaks up,

(15:08):
who complains, who makes noise. We've been conditioned to believe
that standing up for ourselves makes us difficult, that setting
boundaries as aggressive, that having expectations somehow makes you selfish.
Lose that mindset right now, because here's the truth. No
one is going to stand up for you. If you
won't stand up for yourself, no one's coming to save you.
No one's going to magically read your mind and figure
out what it is that you need. And if you

(15:29):
keep silencing yourself just to keep the peace, eventually you'll
be the only one suffering. Boundaries aren't rude, Expections aren't
expectations aren't unrealistic. Speaking up about others excu excuse me,
Speaking up about what bothers you isn't a character flaw.
It's self respect. I highly recommend, as you guys are
reading this or listening to me, if we're not live,

(15:51):
because there are people listening live, pause what you're doing
right now and get out your phone or whatever you're doing,
whatever you're on search Google for. There was no one,
There was no one left to speak up. Holocaust Museum,
There isn't. I'll just read it. Sorry, guys, you have
to just bear with me for one second. This is

(16:14):
probably going to make me cry, damn it. This is
actually a poem that is at the Holocaust Museum, and

(16:37):
it says, first, when they came for the Communist and
I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the Socialists, and I did not
speak out because I was not a socialist. Then they
came for the trade unionist and I did not speak
out because I was not a trade unionist. Then they
came for the Jews, and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew. Then they came for

(16:58):
me and there was no one left to speak out
for me. If you guys have never been to the
Holocaust Museum, I truly believe that that's something that everyone,
everyone needs to experience just once in their life. That
is one of the most horrific things I have ever witnessed.

(17:20):
And that's that's the energy that I was putting into
that chapter. Because if you don't speak up, no one
else is going to speak up for you. That's just
not a thing. Back to the book, you have the
right to say what's okay with you and what isn't.
You have the right to say no, not anymore, that

(17:41):
doesn't work for me, And you have the right to
do it all without guilt. But here's where people get
tripped up. You have to be clear, you have to
be real, and you have to understand the difference between
truth and perception. Especially when you're in conflict or trying
to communicate your needs. So yeah, let's go back to
the sixty six degrees metaphor one more time. That number
it's just number. It's not too cold or perfect or

(18:02):
too hot until someone decides that it is. All of
those things are meanings that we attach. They are emotional projections,
personal experiences, bias. Your sixty six might feel amazing, someone
else's might feel unbearable. That doesn't mean you're wrong, and
it doesn't make them right. It just means that you're
living into different realities. So when you're setting your boundaries,

(18:23):
when you're explaining what's okay for you, remember this. You
don't have to convince anyone that your truth is the truth.
You just have to know that it's yours. You just
have to know what feels right in your body, your mind,
your life. You're not crazy, You're not a Karen. You're
not difficult for wanting peace, clarity, respect, and alignment. You're
just someone who's finally learning to speak up, someone who's

(18:46):
finally learning that your comfort is just as important as
as anyone else's. Someone who's realizing that if you keep
making yourself small so that other people can stay comfortable,
You'll wake up one day and have no idea who
you are. So here it is. Say your damn boundaries,
have your expectations, chase your goals. Speak your truth even
when your voice shakes, even when people don't agree, even

(19:06):
when it makes you the bad guy in someone else's
version of the story, because sixty six degrees is just
someone's is just sixty six degrees, and everything else is
just noise. I hope this helps the next time you
feel the need to speak up, because trust me, your
silence won't save you, but your self respect will. Oh.
I fucking love that chapter. I really fuck with metaphors

(19:27):
right and like that. I don't know, this is my jam.
That was my favorite chapter of the whole book. Uh.
Chapter three, transformation. A reptile sheds its skin between a
rock and a hard place. Think about that. It doesn't
happen in comfort. It doesn't happen in ease. It happens
in pressure and friction, a tight space that forces it

(19:48):
to rub off the old and leave behind what no
longer fits so it can survive and keep growing. You're
no reptile, but right now you are between a rock
and a hard place. And this moment in your life,
this stretch of pain, transition, confusion, and grief, this is
your moment of shedding, or this is your shedding moment.
This is the crossroads. You can either shed the skin

(20:09):
of your life that wasn't working for you, or you
can stay in it, stay stuck, stay small, stay better,
stay in cycles that drained you. But understand this, staying
doesn't mean surviving. It means slowly suffocating in a version
of yourself that already knows it's over look. I could
see here and give you a thousand metaphors about change, growth, death,
and rebirth. I could talk to you about caterpillars, phoenixes

(20:29):
and all that poetic shit. But you don't need poetry
right now. You need reality. And the reality is you
know that your life, what your life looked like before
the split. You know what the relationship gave you and
more importantly, what it took from you. You know what
parts of yourself got lost along the way. You know
where you stop showing up for you and even if
you miss them, even if there's regret and how it ended,
there are parts of it you're secretly grateful for. Be

(20:52):
real about that, because now now you have space. Now,
you get to live for yourself. Now you get to
figure out what you love again. You can rediscover passions,
pick up hobbies you let die or hell, sit on
the couch you after work in your boxers, doing absolutely
nothing and not have to justify it to anyone. That
freedom you feel, that breath of air you didn't even
realize you were missing, that's yours now. Unless you've got kids,

(21:15):
and yes, your time and energy still go towards raising humans.
But even then, even in that responsibility, you can still
reclaim your identity. You can still lead by example, show
them what growth looks like, show them what it means
to take ownership of your life and choose peace over performance.
The truth is you have a chance to rebuild your
entire life, not just tweak it, not just repair what's broken.
You have a blank canvas. This is a full reset

(21:37):
if you choose to see it that way. If you
treat the time in your life, this time in your
life as a sentence like you're being punished, you'll shrink.
But if you treat it like you're finally free to
write your own damn story, you'll grow into someone even
you haven't met yet. Assign meaning to the season that
excuse me, assign meaning to this season that fuels creativity, curiosity,

(21:58):
self respect, and peace. Let this be the chapter where
everything changes, where everything starts. I've said this in earlier
chapters and I'll say it again. Your happiness is your responsibility.
So ask yourself, what does happiness actually look like for you?
What kind of life? Excuse me, what kind of life
would make you want to jump out of bed in
the morning, Not for anyone else, but for you. What

(22:20):
kind of day would make you pause in the middle
of it and say, damn, I really love this version
of me. That is something that I get to say
every day. Peaches and I had a conversation in the
Jim this morning aside rail and we were talking about
other people's lives that are close to us, because we,

(22:43):
unfortunately are a traumatic punching bag for people, and that
they lay all of their trauma at our feet because
they know what we do for a living, and we
discuss things and we try to find ways to assist people.
And we had a moment in between shoulder presses where
I was like, is insane how like drama filled people's
lives are, and how they choose to be there, and like,

(23:06):
my biggest stresses in life isn't drama, it's figuring out
what to do with our finances and our work schedule.
Her biggest stress or in life is figuring out what
we want for dinner. There's no drama, there's no ugly,
there's no no hostility, there's no whirlwinders or tornadoes that
come through here and disrupt our fucking peace. And I

(23:27):
really do love this version of me. I love what
we've built. Back to the book, that's your goal. Now
go build it and don't stop shedding until you outgrow
every version of yourself that once settled for less. While
we're on the topic of transformation, of shedding your old
skin and stepping into something new, it's important we don't
skip over the part most people try to avoid remembering, because, yeah,

(23:50):
you're working on becoming a new version of yourself. You're manifesting,
you're healing, you're rebuilding, you're trying to move forward with
purpose and clarity. But that doesn't mean the past just disappears.
During this phase, this stretch of healing and growing, you're
going to have moments where a memory sneak in and
not the bad ones, the good ones, the smiles, the
moments of laughter, the private jokes that no one else understood,

(24:11):
the late nights that you stayed up dreaming about the future,
the hard times you weathered together. You might remember the
way they held your hand when everything felt like it
was a falling apart. You might remember the look on
their face when they were proud of you, or how
it felt to just be in sync for a little
while before everything changed. Let yourself feel that, seriously, lean
into it, Let the emotions come up. You don't have

(24:33):
to shut them down just because you're trying to move on.
You don't have to hate every piece of your past
to prove you're grown. You've grown because here's the truth.
It wasn't all bad, and that's okay to admit. Acknowledging
the good doesn't mean you're slipping backwards. It means. It
doesn't mean that you should reach out. It doesn't mean
reconciliation is the answer. It just means you're human. Sometimes
two people have real love, real moments, real connection, and

(24:54):
still aren't right for each other. Compatibility means communications matters,
I'm sorry. Compatibility matters, communication matters, Emotional availability matters consistency matters,
and sometimes those things aren't there even when love was.
That realization doesn't erase the good times, and good times
don't cancel out the pain, just and the good times

(25:16):
don't cancel out the pain. Both can be true. Sixty
six degrees is just sixty six degrees. But when you're
able to look back and hold space for all of
the good, all of the bad, the love, the loss,
you're not just remembering, you're growing. You're learning to take
accountability for your part without drowning and shame. You're starting
to see the other person as flawed and human too.
You're learning how to let go from bitterness or resentment,

(25:38):
but not from bitterness or resentment, but from understanding, and maybe,
just maybe you'll get to a point where you can
actually forgive them, not for them, but for you. So
you're not carrying it anymore. You're not letting old wounds
dictate your new story. Let the memories come, let them
move through you, Let them remind you that there was love,
there was beauty, there was a connection, But now there's freedom.

(26:01):
And the more honest you are about where you've been,
the stronger and clearer you'll be about where you're going,
and if you're ever going to date again, you want
a clean slate, not contempt, hate, and baggage for your ex.
You've got to move forward, not backwards. During your transformation phase,
the rebuilding, the reinvention, the climb, the climb. Don't be
surprised when your old life starts calling you back. And

(26:23):
it will. The bad habits, the patterns that numb the pain,
the routines that kept you busy enough to avoid thinking
about how unhappy you were, they're going to show up again,
like old friends, ready to pull you back into the comfort.
But comfort is the killer of change. The things that
excuse me burpy, The things that have it served you,

(26:43):
the behaviors that left you stuck in the mindset that
kept mindset that kept you small, the excuses and labels
that became your identity. They're familiar, and familiar feel safe,
especially when everything in your else you're like everything else
in your life, feels like it's on fire. You might
catch yourself slipping the journal, bailing on the gym, reaching
out to someone who you swore you'd leave behind, letting

(27:05):
chaos back in because at least you know how to survive,
survive it that's part of it. You might start losing
friends too, or feel like you can't connect anyone new.
Suddenly people used to vibe with don't feel like you're
people anymore. You're outgrowing them. They feel it, you feel it.
It's awkward, it's lonely. That's normal. Change is hard. That's
why most people don't do it. If this was easy,

(27:26):
if transformation was as simple as a quote on social media,
everyone would be doing it. Everyone would be leveling up,
everyone would be healing their trauma, communicating better, becoming healthier,
more grounded, more loving, more whole. But they're not because
this shit requires pain, It requires work. It requires letting
parts of you die, and not just the bad part.
Sometimes it means letting go of versions of you that

(27:46):
got you through the hardest times, versions of you that
kept you safe when no one else would. But they're
not meant to they're not meant to build the next chapter.
They were built in survival mode, and now you're trying
to live. So yeah, it's going to hurt. You're going
to have days where it feels easier to go backwards.
You're going to feel resistance from your mind, from your body,
your environment, and your circle. Everything will drag you back

(28:07):
to what's comfortable. But remember, for the new you to live,
the old you has to die, and you're not the one,
and you are the one who has to kill it.
I really have a whole lot of typos in here.
I should have sent this shit to an editor. This
isn't the same graceful slow shift. It's a battle. It's
conscious choice every damn day. Every time you don't feel
like you're journaling, feel like journaling. Every time you want

(28:30):
to scroll instead of reflect, every time you reach for
junk instead of taking care of your body, every time
you want to ghost yourself instead of sitting with the
heart emotions. That's the old you fighting for fighting for
its life. That's the old you fighting for its life.
And you've got to be stronger than that voice. You
got to say not this time. You've got to remember
that new behavior takes time. New neural pathways don't just

(28:51):
form overnight. They form through repetition, through choosing the heart
over the easy, again and again. It won't be perfect.
You'll mess up, you'll slip, But that doesn't mean it's over.
It just means that you have to want. It's bad
enough to keep going even when it sucks, even when
no one is cheering you on, even when it's just you,
your pain and your journal. Because this version of you,
the one who's doing the work, feeling everything, refusing to quit,

(29:13):
that's the one worth fighting for. The important especially, it's important,
especially during the setbacks, that you give yourself grace. And
let me be clear, Grace doesn't mean giving up. It
doesn't mean throwing your hands in the air and saying,
screw it, I messed up. I'll try again tomorrow. Grace
means recognizing that you're human. It means understanding that falling
short sometimes is part of the process. It means not

(29:35):
using the bad moment as an excuse to throw away
your good day. When I was doing personal training, one
of the biggest struggles I saw over and over again
was with diet. People would get start strong, motivation was high,
goals were clear, they had the plan, the support, the tools.
Then one day they broke a donut, a Starbucks drink,
something outside the plan, and instead of saying, Okay, that happened,
let's get back on track, they'd spiral. The whole day
would get trashed. Already messed up, might as well just

(29:57):
eat what I want and start fresh tomorrowamiliar that's like
accidentally hitting your thumb with a hammer and then on
purpose smashing the rest of your fingers just because you're
already in pain. Sounds ridiculous when you put it that way,
doesn't it. That's exactly what's happening. The real issue wasn't
the donut, It wasn't the sugary coffee. It wasn't even willpower.
The truth is they didn't actually want to change. They

(30:19):
wanted results, they wanted the body, They wanted to feel
good again, But they didn't want to give up their
daily comforts that had become their only source of joy.
And here's the part that's hard to admit. Most of
them were miserable, not just out of shape, not just
tired or stressed. They were unhappy in their lives. A
lot of them were stuck in marriages where they didn't
feel love, seen, appreciated, or wanted. So that daily Starbucks,

(30:40):
that moment up with the donut, that was the only
pleasure that they were getting. And I get it. We've
talked about the effects of sugar on the brain. When
everything feels like shit, when your relationship is cold, when
your job drains you. When you've lost sight of who
you are, those little comforts become everything. But here's the
hard truth. You can't build a new life on t
top of old excuses. You can't build a new life

(31:04):
on top of old excuses. Wooh damn. You can't create
change without discomfort. You can't keep numbing yourself with tiny
pleasures and expect to feel the true live to expect
to feel truly alive. So when you slip, and you will,
don't punish yourself. Don't justify quitting either. Take the hit,

(31:25):
feeld the set back, then get back up and keep going.
Because this isn't about perfection. It's about momentum. It's about
showing up for yourself even when it's messy, especially when
it's messy. That's how you build discipline, That's how you
earn trust with yourself. That's how you change your life,
one honest moment at a time. Grace not excuses, progress
not perfection, and above all, consistency over comfort. Nature is

(31:46):
full of transformation. You see it everywhere. Snakes shed their
skin when they've outgrown it, Crabs and insects molts breaking
out of their hard outer shell to keep growing caterpillars
spin themselves into cocoons, dissolve everything they are, and emerges
something entirely different. These aren't optional changes, They're ingrained into
the survival of the species, built into their DNA, forced
by biology. They don't get to fight it. They don't

(32:08):
get to choose when it happens or how. It just
is a part of their evolution. Now we are Here's
where we are different. We are the only species in
the known universe that has the power to transform by choice,
not because we're forced to, not because some internal clock
tells us it's time, but because we can stand in
the front of mirror, look ourselves dead in the eyes,
and say, I don't want to live like this anymore.

(32:31):
Think about that. We can imagine the version of ourselves
that doesn't exist yet. We can visualize who we want
to become. We can see a life that we're not
living yet and decide right here, right now, to go
build it. No other creature on the planet has that ability.
No other species can manifest their future a future reality

(32:52):
by pure conscious intention and then act on it. But
we can, And yet most people never do. Most people
stay stuck. They choose the comfort they know over the fear, laziness, trauma,
and I'm sorry they let fear, laziness, trauma, and ego
dictate their evolution, or worse, stall it out completely. They
let the old version of themselves keep running the show
long after it's expired. And here's the truth that might

(33:14):
sting a little. You don't need permission to change. You
need a decision. You need to get to the point
where staying the same hurts more than the risk of
becoming someone new, because unlike the snake or butterfly, you're
not going to shed unless you choose to. You can
live your whole life in the same skin, same cycle,
same stories, and that's what you'll settle for. And a
lot of people do. But you, if you're reading this

(33:36):
or listening, if you're listening to this, if you're doing
the work, questioning, writing, reflecting, and even struggling, than something,
and you already knows you were meant for more. You
were not designed to stay stuck. You were not born
to stay in a version of yourself that's been outgrown.
You are not here to just exist. You're here to evolve,
and that evolution is yours to create, not because you

(33:58):
have to, but because you can. You can change your story.
You can burn the old version down and rise again.
You can unlearn the patterns that broke you and rebuild
new ones from the ground up. You just have to
want it bad enough. You have to take action. You
have to choose discomfort over over familiarity, growth or over stagnation,
accountability over blame. It's not easy, it's not quick, and
it's sure as hell won't always feel good. But it's possible.

(34:19):
And if it's yours, I'm sorry, and it's yours for
the taking. Nature has its way of evolving life by force.
You get to do it by will, so don't waste
that gift. The next version of you is waiting. Go
meet them. Before I move on to chapter fourteen. I
made a TikTok recently about change not being a linear thing.
Change is five steps, and then there's a bonus one

(34:41):
that's a sixth, and that is I made notes, made
a whole TikTok about this and this. I'm drawing a
blank right now, but it's I'm just gonna look and
see if it's still in my notes so that I
don't fuck this up. Nope, all right, let's google, okay,

(35:13):
and I definitely would have got it wrong. First one
is pre contemplation. This is this is you not thinking
about changing your behavior in any way or being completely
unaware of the problem. The second one is contemplation. This
is you considering making change, weighs, weighing the pros and
cons of your behavior. Step three is preparation. We all

(35:35):
know what preparation is. Step four is action. This is
you starting to take the steps to improve your life
and changing your situation. And then number five is maintenance.
Maintenance is you continuing those behavioral patterns and instilling new
habits and doing the things that are going to ensure
the success of change. The sixth one, which is the

(35:56):
un official step to change, is relapsing. And you will
relapse because you're going to have the moment where you
want the donut or the sugary Starbucks drink. You're going
to have that moment where you've been sober for three
hundred days and you fucking crack because life is stressful
and you have a drink in tomorrow's day one. These
are all things that are normal in the process of growth,

(36:20):
and if you never have a setback, you're not really
being challenged in life. You don't know what it is
to have to face demons to overcome obstacles. You're not
going to ever really grow or get strong if things
are easy. With weightlifting, you build your muscles by putting
yourself under a load, fighting against it, forcing your body
to adapt to that new weight change is no different.

(36:44):
So for those of you who feel like it's linear
and just because you messed up, you know you can
ruin an entire day or you should just quit. This
is just normal. You're going to have a bad day.
Every decision that you've made in your life has gotten
you where you are today. And if you're overweight, if
you're obese, if you have you know, fucked up hygiene
or whatever it is, and like your body is messed

(37:06):
up because of it, it's not from a single choice.
It's from a thousand choices that have been made over
and over and over again. It takes years to get
to that point. It's going to take time for you
to re establish new behavior patterns and to get things
back into working order. Be patient, have grace, and fucking
love yourself. Chapter fourteen. The most important decision you will

(37:27):
ever make. If you got this far and are doing
the work, you have started building a new you. You're
not going to be dating just to see where things
go anymore. You're not showing up in half assed situations
that feel like relationships but don't act like them. You're
not here to be breadcrumbed, manipulated, or kept on a
shelf until it's convenient. Not anymore. You've already been through hell.

(37:48):
You've sat in the silence, You've looked in the mirror
and dealt with all the shit that tried that you
tried to avoid. You've cried on the floor. You've put
yourself back together, piece by piece, and now now you
get to take that new version of yourself, the one
who knows they're worth, and bring them into the dating
world without apology. This isn't about chasing people, convincing someone
you're worthy, or fixing brooking people so they'll choose you.

(38:10):
Those days are over. This is about clarity and tension,
respect and if that if that scares someone off, good
let them go. You're not here to make people comfortable.
You're here to build something real. Dating with intent doesn't
start with the app or the person who makes you
laugh at the gym. It starts with you before you
ever meet anyone. You have to ask yourself the hard questions.

(38:31):
What do I actually want in a relationship, What do
I need to feel emotionally safe? What are my absolute
non negotiables? What behaviors that I allow in the past
that I'll never tolerate again. If you don't know what
you're looking for, how will you know if you found it.
This is where a lot of people get it wrong.
They get caught up in chemistry, lust and connection, not

(38:51):
feeling lonely anymore, thinking that means that this is the one.
But vibes don't pay emotional rent. You don't date now.
You don't date now hoping that someone turns out to
be a good fit. You're watching and listening from the start,
evaluating whether they actually align with the life that you're building.
Let's talk about courtship, because that word gets lost in
today's dating world. Everyone wants low effort, high return. They

(39:16):
think showing up is enough. But courtship is different from
just dating. Dating is spending time. Courtship is being intentional
with it. Courtship is presence. It's energy. It's the energy
of I'm here for something real and I show up
like it. It doesn't mean demanding marriage on the second date.
It just means being upfront about what it is that
you're looking for. You don't have to pressure anyone, you

(39:37):
don't have to. You do have to state your purpose.
I'm dating with the goal of building something meaningful. If
that's not what you're about, cool, But let's not waste
each other's time. You're not asking for too much, You're
just at You're just not accepting too little, not anymore.
And when it comes to dating with intention with people,
what people say, sorry, what people say means nothing. If

(39:59):
they're act don't match. They can talk a big game.
I'm not like your ex. I'm looking for something serious.
I'd never hurt you. Great, But do they make time
for you? Do they listen? Do they follow through? Do
they handle conflict like an adult? Or disappear every second
I'm sorry the second things get real? And don't act
like that wasn't said from every person you've ever dated.

(40:20):
Let's also not pretend that you were a mess of
a person in those relationships. Alsos also, intentional dating means
you don't get caught up in the charm, you don't
fall in love with the potential. You're watching for patterns,
not promises, consistency over chemistry, follow through over flattery. You're
paying attention to how they treat you when it's inconvenient.

(40:41):
You're watching how they show up without having to be
asked asked. Courtship is about respect. It's about asking questions
that matter, listening without defensiveness, respecting boundaries, and putting an
effort consistently, not just in the honeymoon moon phase. It's
about I'm sorry. It's making plans and sticking to them.

(41:02):
It's treating you like you matter before saying the words.
And when someone can't do that, when they ghost or
breadcrumb or make you question your worth, that's your answer.
You don't chase, you don't beg you don't shrink yourself
or stay quiet to avoid scaring them off. You observe
their actions and energy, and if their energy is all
over the place, you walk gracefully with your head up

(41:22):
without guilt. Because here's the thing. If you can be
honest about what you want, you're not ready to date.
If you're still afraid of being rejected for having needs
or holding boundaries, go back to the healing, keep doing
the work. Learn to stand for your truth and your
truth even if it cost you the person sitting across
from you. Dating with intent requires honesty, It demands clarity, confidence,
and you have to be brave enough to say this

(41:44):
is who I am, this is what I want, and
I'm not afraid to lose somebody that doesn't align with
that lock. Some of y'all need to hear that. When
love comes around again, and it will, it better feel
different this time. It better feel like peace, not anxiety.
It better feel like consistency, not case. The better feel
like something that builds you up, not something that you
have to survive. That's not what you're looking for now.

(42:06):
Not a fantasy, not fireworks, not a quick fix for lowliness.
You're looking for someone who's also alone, who's also done
the work. Someone who understands the language of healings. Someone
who's not intimidated by your standards but respects them because
they've got their own. So be open but not naive,
Be hopeful but not desperate. Be available, but don't lower
your standards just to keep someone who doesn't meet them.

(42:27):
You're not dating for fun anymore. You're dating for real.
This is sacred work now, because what you're doing isn't casual.
It's intentional. You've already fought too hard for your peace
to let anyone come in and disrupt it, So protect it,
hold it close, don't give it to people who aren't
ready for it. You've already survived the worst of it.
Now it's time to build something that feels like home,
not like a battlefield, something that you something you don't

(42:48):
have to fight to keep. You're not just looking for
a partner, you're choosing a future. So date like you
mean it and never forget you've earned the kind of
love that doesn't make you question your worth. We've said
it before, and it's worth repeating again for those in
the back. The most important decision you'll ever make in
your life is who you choose to marry. Not your job,
not your zip code, not your friend group or how
many followers you've got. Your person, the one that you

(43:10):
let into your most vulnerable spaces, the one you build
a home, a future, a life with That choice will
shape everything. And if you're here reading this, if you're
going through a divorce or still trying to steady yourself
after one, you know how true that is. That sentence
doesn't just sit on the page anymore. You feel it
in your bones and the quiet nights and the legal
bills and the therapy sessions and the pieces of yourself

(43:32):
you're still putting back together. The person you choose to
walk through life with has the power to change your
entire trajectory. Say that again. The person you choose to
walk through life with has the power to change your
entire trajectory. A partner can either build you into the strongest,
most grounded, most capable version of yourself, or they can
tear you apart from the inside out. They can be

(43:55):
the sun that helps you rise eddie and strong, or
the storm that keeps you buried in the mud, wondering
if you were ever meant to grow at all. And
here's the thing. When it's good, when you've chosen right,
it's magic. The right partner won't just support you. They'll
inspire you. They'll make something. They'll wake something up in

(44:18):
you that you forgot was there. Fuck me, dude, my
eyes are watering. Can't read. Everything's blurry. They'll wake something
in you that you forgot was even there. They'll believe
in your potential so fiercely that you actually start to
believe it too. They'll change, they'll challenge you to grow,
but they'll also give you a soft space to land.
They'll see your effort, your heart, your intentions, and they'll

(44:40):
mari it right back. You'll work harder than you've ever have.
You'll want to not out of fear, not from obligation,
but because being better for them makes you better for you.
It becomes symbiotic. You lift each other, you push each other,
you root for each other, and in that you both thrive.
When you're with someone who's right for you, life doesn't
get easier, but it feels lighter because you're not carrying

(45:01):
it alone. Because even on the worst days, you don't
have to question your worth, your value, whether you're loved.
That kind of security, that's everything. They'll shift your worldview.
You'll see joy in the small stuff again. You'll find
peace in the chaos. You'll learn that love can be calm,
that communication doesn't have to come with raised voices, that
accountability can be compassionate. You'll experience what it's like to
be chosen consistently without having to shrink yourself or set

(45:24):
yourself on fire just to keep the room warm. It's
not a fairy tale. It's not perfect. There will be conflict,
there will be growth. But the difference is you'll both
show up for it. No one is dragging the other,
no one is weaponizing vulnerability. You'll disagree, but you'll never disrespect.
You'll face storms, but you'll stand on the same side
of the boat. That's what choosing right feels like. And

(45:44):
that's why choosing wrong hurts so much. Because the wrong
person can convince you that love is supposed to be hard,
that you're asking for too much, that emotional safety is negotiable,
that walking on eggshells is normal. They can make you
question your own memory, your own gut, your own self worth,
and over time that robs you of so much more
than your happiness. It steals your energy, your creativity, your

(46:05):
sense of peace, your trusting people, and your trust in yourself.
So yes, your partner, the partner you choose matters more
than anything. It's okay if you got it wrong before
most people do. You choose the best you could with
the information you had at the time. And when it doesn't,
when it wasn't what you needed, when it hurt more
than it helped, you found the courage to walk away.
That's something to be proud of. But now now you

(46:27):
get to choose again, and this time, hopefully you'll choose
with a wiser heart. You won't settle for potential. You
won't confuse chaos with passion. You won't stay just because
of shared history. You'll choose peace over patterns. You'll choose
clarity over confusion. You'll choose love that feels like love,
not just what you think. It looks like we're settling
because of low self worth. You'll choose someone who's done

(46:49):
the work, someone who knows how to sit with their
own silence. Someone who doesn't need saving, but knows how
to save space for you. Someone who isn't perfect but
wants to be better for them and for you. You'll
choose someone who sees your growth and doesn't flinch from it,
who doesn't try to shrink you, who says, I see
who you are becoming, and I want to be better
with you. That got me, they got me, And and

(47:19):
maybe most importantly, this time, you'll choose yourself first, because
you've already lived the version of your life where you didn't.
Now it's time for a version where you do. And
when you find someone who fits that version of you,
the whole, the whole, healing, self loving version, That's when
everything changes. When we say the most important decision you'll

(47:40):
ever make is who you pick as a partner. We
mean it, and now you do two. Yep, it got me,
They got me, told you. We get through this pretty quick.
Chapter fifteen starting over all Right, at this point in
the book, I think it's time we talk about something
getting back out there. Yeah. Dating, And let's just be honest.

(48:02):
The dating pool it needs bleach a lot of it,
like a full haz mass suit level five biohazard type cleanup.
It's messy. People are walking around with unresolved trauma, playing games,
ghosting each other, swearing that they want something real while
doing everything in their power to avoid vulnerability. It's a circus.
But here's the thing. That doesn't mean you have to
get dragged into the chaos. You've done the work, you've journaled,

(48:28):
you've unpacked your shit, You've been honest with yourself about
what you want, what you won't tolerate, what you absolutely
can't afford to ignore. Ever again, that gives you a
serious advantage because most people aren't doing that. Most people
date from their wounds. They walk in bitterness and call
it boundaries. They project old pain onto new people and
call it having standards, but not you. You're showing up
with awareness. You're not dating from pain. You're dating with purpose,

(48:49):
and that's rare. Now, let's get something clear. Take it slow.
I don't care if you met on an app in
a grocery store through mutual friends, although I actually like
that the most, at a gym wherever. Doesn't. Just don't
dump jump headfirst into hookup culture like you've got something
to prove. Respect yourself more than that, respect the person
you're meaning more than that, and above all, respect the
time and energy you've already put into your healing journey.

(49:14):
Because here's what people don't want to admit. Having sex
too early in a connection can blind the hell out
of you, especially if the sex is good. The brain
chemicals kick in and suddenly you're making excuses for things
you swoar you would never tolerate. Red flags start to
look like quirks, and before you know it, you've wasted
six months trying to make it work with somebody you
were never compatible with in the first place. And yeah,
let's talk about worst case scenarios for a second. What

(49:35):
if there is an oops a pregnancy. What if a
person turns out to be emotionally immature, manipulative, or flat
out toxic. Now you're tied to someone who you should
have been just a passing interaction with, and you're locked
into an eighteen year old situation with someone you barely knew.
That's real. That's not fear mongering. That's what happens when
lust overrides logic. You might be thinking, well, I can

(49:57):
read people, I've got good instincts, I can spot bullshit. Cool, Well,
how has that worked out for you so far? This
isn't about fear. This is about intention, intentionality. You've worked
so hard to heal, to unlearned, to figure out who
the hell you are. Don't throw it away because your
loneliness got louder than your wisdom. You're not the same
person who started this journey. You've evolved, You've you've earned clarity.

(50:19):
So day with standards, ask the hard questions, protect your peace.
Don't rush into anything just because it feels good at
the moment. Feelings lie, chemistry fades, compatibility doesn't. You're not behind,
you're not late, you're not missing out. You're not behind
on something. You're building something real this time. Don't trade
that for comfort or temperature, temporary validation. This next chapter,

(50:40):
it's sacred. Protect it with everything you've got. All Right,
you finally met someone. The texting has been good, there's
been a little harmless social media stocking, you know, scrolling
their old photos, checking who they follow, seeing if they
post anything unhinged, all standards, and now it's time for
the first date. If you don't know this person, well
meet them, meet them there. I get it. Traditionally, I'm

(51:04):
all about picking someone up, opening doors, getting being the gentleman,
and if the relationship progresses, absolutely do those things. But
this first date, this isn't that kind of date. This
is more of a vibe check than a romantic gesture.
This is about seeing if there's a connection, not sweeping
them off their feet before you even know if there's chemistry.
You can call this a date, it's not a date.

(51:24):
Don't view it that way. This is simply an opportunity
to have conversations in person, to feel the person out.
Pick a place that allows for conversation. Coffee shops, casual restaurants, parks,
anywhere that gives you room to talk, observe and actually
see each other. Avoid loud, over stimulating places you're not
there for a show. You're there to get a read
on this person's energy, their manners, their vibe. Restaurants are

(51:44):
great because it gives you time inside, it gives you
I'm sorry. Restaurants are great because they give you an
inside lookout how someone treats other people. Watch how they
interact with the staff, how they talk to the waiter,
if they say please and thank you, if they put
their phone down, stay on it constantly. These are small
things that tell you a lot. If you're a man,
plan to pay for the first date. Not because you're

(52:06):
expecting anything in return, not because you're trying to impress
or earn points, but because it's a respectful gesture. It's
a way of saying things for showing up. Someone took
time out of their day to sit across took time
out of their life to sit across from you and
give you a shot. A meal is a small investment
for something that could be huge, or at very least
a meaningful experience. Either way, win or lose, it's worth it.

(52:28):
Driving separately, that's another intentional choice. It's not just a
modern dating trend. It's smart. If you both have your
own vehicles, your own way out. It gives each of
you an added sense of control and safety. If the
energy is off, it's not clicking. If either of you
need to leave for any reason, no one's trapped. No
awkward drop off, no force goodbyes, no obligations. That little

(52:49):
bit of autonomy goes a long way when creating comfort.
And comfort is what sets the stage for real connection,
not pressure, not performance, not trying to lock it all
down on the first night. Treat the first date like it,
but like what it is, an introduction, a chance to
see if this person fits your life, your values, your piece.
Stay grounded, stay curious, and stay in control of your
own experience. Now here's where things get interesting. This is

(53:16):
the part most people either skip or stumble through, and
it's why they end up six months deep into a
relationship with someone they were never compatible with to begin with.
You're not going to do that. You've put in the work,
you've rebuilt yourself, and now you're dating again. You're going
to ask the real questions, the one that actually matters,
and you're going to ask them clearly. You want to
keep the questions open ended, don't settle for a simple
yes or no answers. You're not checking boxes. You're trying

(53:37):
to learn who this person really is. Get a feel
for how they think, how they process, and what their
core values are. Ask about their religious views. Ask about politics. Yeah,
I set about politics. People always want to avoid that
topic like it's radioactive, But the truth is these are
foundational things, and if your worldviews are on two completely
different ends of the spectrum, it's going to cause serious

(53:58):
tension later. It might not show up right away, but
eventually it will be a problem. Compatibility matters, shared value matter.
Don't dance around that. Ask about their life goals. Where
they see themselves in five years ten, What does retirement
look like to them? Do they want to settle down?
Do they even want marriage or kids? Are they career
driven more laid back? Are they spontaneous or structure obsessed?

(54:21):
Ask about their childhood, not just to get their backstory,
but because how someone grew up often explains how they love,
how they fight, how they handle conflict, and how they
show up in relationships. You'll learn a lot more from
their stories than from their favorite band. We actually put
together according phase questionnaire onto b Better dot Com and
I will be including it at the end of this chapter.
It's not a script. It's a toolkit, something to help

(54:44):
you go deeper without making it feel like an interview.
I'm going to when I finish this chapter, i will
I'm going to outro and re intro, and I'm going
to post the questionnaires as a second standalone video so
that there will be a quick thing that people can
pull up if they're and watching these videos. Maybe I'll
get my wife to come back here and hang out
with me just after this. After just remember this the

(55:08):
surface level stuff. What they do for work, their favorite movie,
what kind of music they're into. That's text conversations. You
can talk about that over social media, where while you're
getting ready for the date. Don't waste precious face to
face time asking things you could have asked while killing
time texting. Use the date to dig, not in a
pushy or an interrogative way, but in a real way.

(55:28):
You're not looking for perfection. You're looking for alignment, for awareness,
and for honesty. The first few dates should be more
about should The first few dates should be more about
than an attraction. They should be about compatibility at the core.
And if you take that seriously, you'll save yourself months
or years wasting time with someone who has never right

(55:49):
for you in the first place. If the first date
goes well and you're genuinely feeling this person, like really
feeling them, don't screw it up by moving too fast
or trying to lock it down right then and there.
You're not rushing into anything. You're playing this with intention,
not desperation. Now, if you're a man, the date went well,
walk her to her car. Period. It's not nineteen fifty,
but that doesn't mean Chilvry has to die. It's not

(56:11):
about being old fashioned. It's about being thoughtful, protective and present.
It shows her that you're not lazy, that you're mindful,
and that you're capable of doing something small that makes
a woman feel seen and safe. Do not skip this.
If you're a lady, pay attention to a man who
doesn't do things like this. If you are a lady,
make sure that you are treated like one. At the
end of the night, when you're saying goodbye, keep it simple.

(56:33):
Tell them you had a good time, thank them for
meeting up with you, and that's it. Do not ask
for a second date on the spot. Don't try to
seal the deal. Don't put them in a position where
they feel pressure to give you an answer before they
have even had time to process the night. Just thank them, genuinely,
say goodbye, and let them go. Listen, no touching. You
don't need a hug, handshake, or kiss or make out

(56:56):
in the parking lot of your local Applebee's. Seriously, let breathe,
Let it be clean, let it end clean and respectful.
You don't need physical validation to confirm that the date
went well. That'll come in time, and if the connection
is real, you'll get plenty of opportunities for that later.
Here's where you set yourself apart from everyone else, about

(57:16):
thirty minutes after the data and shoot them a quick
test with text message, something simple like, Hey, just wanted
to make sure you got home okay, I had a
great time tonight and I'd really like to see you
again if you're up for it. That right there, that's
the move. It shows self restraint, It shows maturity, It
shows that you're not just looking for a warm body,
you're looking for a connection. And today's dating world, that
kind of respect is rare and it will absolutely throw

(57:38):
them off any good way. They're going to notice that
you're not going to tell sorry, They're going to notice
they're going to tell their friends. You'll be the topic
of the group chat for the next few hours, and
not because of some wild story, because of how normal
you were, because of how safe, intentional, and grounded you
come across. You gave them space with the to sit
with the date, to reflect, to actually see if to

(57:59):
actually want to see you again, not just to say
yes in the moment because they didn't know how to
say no. That's what grown ass dating looks like. So
slow down, play the long game. If it's real, it doesn't,
you won't need to rush it, and if it's not,
then you'll be glad you didn't jump in too fast
into something that wasn't worth your time. Between dates one

(58:20):
and two, this is where you start really getting the
feel for who this person is, not just how they
text or how they carry themselves in a restaurant, but
what actually lights them up. You should be asking questions,
paying attention, and getting a sense of their hobbies and interests.
This is where you start learning how they spend their
free time and what they value, what brings them joy.
Date two should be about them find something they enjoy

(58:41):
and plan around it. It doesn't have to be extravagant.
It doesn't have to be your thing. That's the point.
You're showing that you care enough to step into their
world for a bit. Whether it's a cooking class, in
nature hike a museum that they've been wanting to check out.
This date is about making them feel seen. It also
gives you a chance to see how open you are
to new experiences, especially ones that might be outside of
your comfort zone. Being that this is a new you,

(59:04):
it also allows you to see who you are now.
Date three, that's your turn take them into your world.
Maybe it's a live music spot you love. Maybe it's
acts throwing or mini golf, or a car show or
weird little coffee shop that you like because they make
your drink just right. Whatever it is, this one's about
sharing a piece of yourself, not just to impress, but
to invite them into what you enjoy. With this being

(59:24):
the new you, hopefully you found a lot of new
things that you enjoy. The structure gives you both a
chance to explore what it's like to be in each
other's lives without the pressure of deep commitment. It's not
about proving anything. It's about connection through curiosity. Excuse me,
you're both doing things that matter to the other, and
you're watching how each of you shows up, especially when

(59:46):
something might not be your usual scene. Maybe you hate
many golf, but you go anyway and laugh through it.
Maybe they're not in the gardens, but show genuine interest
because it means something to you. These are the little
moments where compatibility starts to show up, not in the
perfect date, but how you experience life together, especially when
it's lighthearted. So make these dates fun, make them playful.

(01:00:06):
You're still in discovery mode, and the most sorry. The
more intentional you are with how you explore each other's worlds,
the more clearly you'll see whether or not this is
something worth building. So let's talk about the courting phase questionnaire,
the one we have on two Bebetter dot com. Now,
I want to be really clear about this before we
get into it. We've had all kinds of feedback from
this list, no middle ground. People either say it was

(01:00:28):
the best most eye opening date they've ever had, or
they tell us their dates straight, straight up, stormed out,
no joke. That's how raw and honest it can get.
And honestly, I think that's a good thing, because this
isn't some fluff. This isn't some fluffy compatibility quiz or
what's your favorite color? Ice breaker? This is a real
conversation starter. This is about asking the questions that might

(01:00:50):
matter before you're emotionally invested. If it helps you cut
through the fluff and actually figure out if the person
sitting across from you with someone you're aligned with or
just someone you're attracted to. You can print us right
off our website. You can literally make a fun date
and go a night around it. Grab a coffee, go
sit in a park, pull it out and just start
reading through it. Make it like lighthearted if you want,
or deep dive right away. Whatever you roll with, just

(01:01:12):
know if they're down for it. It tells you a lot.
And who knows. Maybe they already listened to the podcast,
Maybe they've heard the list. Maybe they'll pull it out
of their bag and beat you to it. If that happens,
you already know you've got a good one in front
of you. The point is, don't be afraid of real conversation.
If someone can't handle the intentional dialogue early on, they
probably don't have the emotional maturity to build something that lasts.

(01:01:33):
Use this list, ask the questions, and don't be surprised
if what starts out as a simple date turns into
the most honest and meaningful conversations you've ever had. That's
the goal. I'm going to skip to the epilogue, and
then I'm an outro intro, and then we can get
into one more just the questions. I'm actually not going
to bring her back here because it's sixteen questions. It's
going to take me five seconds to read it. This
isn't a true epilogue. This is a thank you and

(01:01:56):
some final thoughts. First, thank you for buying the book
or listening to it. If you got that, got it
on audiblehere YouTube, because I'm not putting it on audible.
The fact that I wrote a book is wild. The
one for a second one was humbling, and now I'm
currently sitting in what if state knowing that this will
be released soon. I hope I delivered. I hope the
words in this book gives you power, confidence, and a

(01:02:18):
new outlook on you. You are not your past, You are
not every mistake that you've ever made. You are worthy
of love. People always say that. People always say they
envy peaches an eye, that they wish that they had
a relationship like we do. This is in part how
we got there. You can have everything in life you've
ever wanted. You just have to do the work. I
believe that, and I believe in you, and I hope

(01:02:40):
your next relationship. I hope that your next relationship is
your last relationship and that fills every need you have.
I hope that even in conflict, you can look at
your partner with love and appreciation. Your life is what
you make it, so make it yours love. And like
Christopher Burkett, I mean that shit. I do. I really

(01:03:03):
truly mean that shit. I hope that you guys have
done the work, and I do believe that you're going
to have a better life. And I believe in you.
I believe that you guys are all worthy of love.
I don't care where you're at in your healing journey.
You deserve more than you have. You deserve more than
you have had, and you deserve a new version of yourself.
All right, guys, that was the end of the book.

(01:03:25):
I just wanted to say thank you guys for being here,
for listening to the three parts of this thing. I
know that you can listen to this entire book in
a day now if you wanted to. If you listen
to it on fucking a faster speed, like you'll be
all listen to our audio books, you probably get this
thing in a couple hours. But I think you would
be doing yourself a disservice to listen to this and
not actually do the journal prompts. If you guys are

(01:03:46):
driving and you're listening to the audiobook while you're working,
and you're doing all of these things that are distractions,
you need to take the time to actually do the journaling.
That is a huge part of what's going to help
you heal and get you into the next version of
who you are. So thanks for tuning in, guys. I
appreciate you guys at actually giving a shit enough to
listen to my book. I really hope that it's fucking

(01:04:06):
helped your lives. And we'll see you on the podcast.