April 2, 2023 • 15 mins
Teen and adult adoptees will be encouraged by such a gifted therapist as Dafna Lender LCSW. Dafna shares initially how her upbringing challenged her to be a voice for those that have no voice. Hearing her validation of the adoptee loss is moving and will bless the heart of every adoptee that listens.
Additionally, Lender addresses the need of adoptive and foster parents to know what will help them address control issues, such as procrastination for going to school.
Lastly, Sherrie Eldridge asks Lender if she thinks a recovery-type program should be created for adoptees and adoptive parents.
All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to the 20 Things adoption podcast with
your host adoption author SherryEldridge.
Adoptive parents will find hopehere.
Hope that strained relationshipswith their adopted children can
heal.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
I am so happy to introduce our guest for this
podcast, her name Isna.
And I'm gonna read you a littlebit about her biography cuz
she's such an awesome person.
She has been working as a childand family therapist for over 20
years.
She has trained in 15 countriesin three different languages.
(00:46):
She's the co-author of therapy.
Let, let's see, what's thesubtitle?
The practitioner's guide.
She has been successful inworking with children and
parents from all kinds ofbackgrounds.
So welcome.
I'm so glad that you could comeon and talk a little bit about
(01:07):
adoption.
There's just, uh, a lot ofparents that are waiting for
this podcast.
A lot of parents that I'veworked with have not felt heard
in the field of adoption andhave not seen, even though their
kids may go through therapy, itdidn't turn out successfully.
And that my heart just kindableeds for those parents and it
(01:27):
bleeds for the kids cause we'reboth hurting and we both need
help.
I loved how you talked about howyour therapy practice was honed
over the years.
Can you share a little bit aboutthat?
How you turned from being a, areally sensitive girl into
clinical social worker and thenin residential care and then
(01:50):
there wasn't the success youhoped for.
Right,
Speaker 3 (01:53):
Right, right, right, right.
I mean, I think the way I cometo be a social worker is that
like many therapist, I feltother people and other animals
pain so much that I likeidentified with them and wanted
to like, you know, help themlike be by being with them,
which I'm sure a lot of peopleidentify with this, but like
there was a straight cat and Irefused to come inside and like,
(02:15):
you know, my parents were like,oh my God, this child is not
gonna come inside.
And they were forced to bring meinside and the cat, I really
have always been looking atthings from the perspective of
like the underdog or the personwho's like, who's voiceless.
And um, it comes from my ownchildhood.
My mom was voiceless, mygrandmother was voiceless.
(02:37):
And so it's all a part andparcel of why I became a social
worker.
But when I went to social workschool, you know, I did all this
schooling and then I took thefirst job that I got talked to
your friends' parents orwhatever, you know, so there's
this like sense that like yourparents are persecuting you
because you have a lot of scaryfeelings of shame and stuff like
(02:58):
that.
This kind of, my guess as tothat, part of it is just this
like built in thing that you'retriggered by stuff that you
don't know what it's about.
Especially if we all know itdoesn't matter if you were
adopted at birth and had like ahealthy year of birth, mom had a
healthy pregnancy or not, you'restill like at loss in some way.
Yes.
But especially if you had thingshappen to you in utero or that
(03:22):
you had separation where youwere not held in the arms of
somebody Right.
Who was loving towards you andwho had that loving gaze that
every baby who didn't have likesomebody look at them and feed
them and say, oh, you're hungrybaby.
And be able to take the bottleout to give them the time to
drink and stuff, all that.
If you didn't have that, it'smuch, much worse.
(03:44):
You know?
And so you're sitting on some ofthat not knowing why you're
triggered.
And then there's this who's likewatching you all the time and
then your parent has their ownstuff your adoptive parent has,
and also they are completelydifferent from you.
They don't have to be even thisdifferent color, but especially
if they're a different color,you feel so different.
(04:04):
It's almost like the entirechildhood is set up for you to
be in conflict with this parent.
So far you feel like youidentify with that?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Oh yes, definitely.
It's a challenge being adopted,but I wouldn't trade it for
anything really.
People get mad at me for sayingthat, but you know, I've had a
wonderful, wonderful life andhave found all of my family, you
know, my birth family and stufflike that.
So yeah, I totally agree.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
People are get mad at you for saying that you not give
up your experience of beingadopted.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Right.
And I'm pro adoption, they, youknow, people have grilled me
over that, but I was a tiny babywith a mother that fanta suicide
and she was gone immediately andI wouldn't have had home without
adoption.
You know, I think about all thekids out there that need homes.
So anyway, I didn't get off onthat.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
There's like, no right or wrong here, we just are
dealing with a phenomenon ofchildren that need care.
You don't deny the person'slonging for their birth family.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Oh no.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
The opposite.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
No, it's always there .
And that's okay.
That's the
Speaker 3 (05:18):
Human tradition essentially to be have this,
like the human condition is tohave duality.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
Can you tell more about that, what that means?
Speaker 3 (05:26):
Basically like we can't have everything.
We have one thing, we look atthe other thing and wonder about
it.
Mm-hmm.
, we have thatother thing.
We think about what, where wewere before.
It's the same thing with havinglike mixed feelings.
We love our child, but you know,they're an encumbrance on, we
love our partner, but he, shewhatever is making us feel Yeah.
(05:46):
Whatever, suffocated or, orlimited or we wanna see our
ourselves in a different prismor we wanna have mm-hmm.
additionalrelationships.
Like I think that havingambivalent feelings for the most
part as long, long as it's, it'snot like the most predominant,
you know, feeling in your lifethat like, that's really human
and we have to accept that wecan't fight that and consult
(06:06):
being this dialogue withinourself to say like, oh, what's
wrong with me?
You know, why am I thinking thisway if I only did this?
And just to say, oh, I'm of twominds about this and that's okay
.
I don't have to resolve this.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
I like that.
That's very cool.
I'm sure that will bemeaningful, especially to
adoptees that are watching.
Thank you.
Well, I told you I was gonnathrow you some curve balls.
Are you ready for that?
Some examples?
Sure.
Um, okay, we already talkedabout a newborn really.
So what about a school-agedchild who just has a meltdown
(06:42):
every time it's time to go toschool or go somewhere else?
Is this common for adopted andfoster children to act this way?
And what can parents do?
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Oh my goodness.
Is it common?
It's extremely common.
Yeah.
The reason I said oh my goodnessis because there's so much that
depends on the reason why he'shaving a meltdown.
However, one of the things thatcreates the most pressure is
when there's this like buildinglike tension towards a deadline
(07:18):
and the deadline is the schoolbus is leaving or whatever, the
car is leaving, you know, you'regonna be late to school and then
if you're late to school, theteacher's gonna blame me.
You know, you're gonna lose outon whatever.
They're gonna punish you,they're gonna punish me.
My boss will also be mad at meor the whatever it is.
Whether it's an a concretepressure or a perceived pressure
(07:40):
of I can't get to my kid toschool on time.
What's wrong with me as aparent?
That is usually the first placeto try to let go.
Okay.
And I mean, you do not havecontrol over whether your kid is
going to go smoothly into thecar with their backpack and
shoes on and get to school ontime.
That is the first thing to giveup is like, you need to set up
(08:03):
everything so that thepossibility for it to go well
before, you know, to go out thedoor smoothly happens.
Mm-hmm.
, yes, absolutely.
Get the pack backpacks ready,get the lunches packed, get a
good night's sleep, et cetera.
But usually it's that sense oflike, okay, you gotta get your
shoes on, come on, we're gonnabe late.
(08:23):
And that is the thing thatdoesn't allow the parent to be
attuned to the child and be ableto like flow with'em and that
whole thing escalates fromthere.
So that's the first place Iwould take a look at is how much
pressure and take the pressureoff, don't get to school on
time, it's not worth it.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Okay.
That's good.
So that parents can escalate itas you just said.
Right.
Just make the pressure even more,
Speaker 3 (08:50):
A lot more.
And it's built our expectationsas parents, so you expect that
you can control it and if not,like what's wrong with you or
what will teachers say orwhatever
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Yeah.
What will the neighbors say?
Yeah.
And got an adopted kid there,you know, adopted kids don't
behave, that type of
Speaker 3 (09:09):
Thing.
Oh
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Yeah.
Society.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
And so I don't know if you're asking like for actual
like possible behavioralsolutions at this time, but I am
answering the question.
Yes, it does happen a lot.
Well, you're definitely notalone.
If so, whoever's asking thequestion, you know, so for
behavioral solution you can onlycontrol yourself.
So you would need to notice ifyou are, um, getting into
(09:33):
control battle and trying tolike cajole and prod child thing
to do is to move through yourmorning in the direction that
you wanna go, which is out thedoor.
And if the child is like, youcan suggest that they, you know,
help them to put their shoes onin a playful way or you know,
set out the breakfast and see ifthey're gonna eat.
(09:54):
But if not, like you take yourchild without having breakfast
and you take their shoes in yourhand and you move towards the
car and you send the car andthen you wait.
You know, you hope that theycome in and come along with you
the control battle of cajolingand prodding and asking 10 times
and then going, oh, oh, I can'tbelieve this.
(10:15):
You know?
Yeah.
That is where you're not likeletting go of the control
battle.
Mm-hmm.
.
And so that is a lot about whatI, I mean I have to spend time
with parents on that.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Well do you think dafna that adoptive parents and
foster parents that it wouldreally benefit them to do a
recovery work?
Like I've had to do that myself,you know, to get free of hate
and anger and all that kindastuff.
Just when they're, you know,willing to take a good hard look
at themselves, admit failure andso on, and then to get built up
(10:49):
again in different ways.
But do you think that wouldbenefit them?
Yeah,
Speaker 3 (10:54):
Absolutely.
That's what I mean when I say toyou have to take the time to be
with yourself, examine yourself.
Mm-hmm.
, figure out whatyour patterns are.
Let go of old, you know, beliefsand patterns.
Yes.
And,
Speaker 2 (11:08):
And you have to
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Work probably in therapy, you know, and be able
to check in with the therapiston a regular basis to be able to
maintain that, you know, moreless reactive self.
Mm-hmm.
and like, you know, the maintaining your practice
of self-care.
It requires maintenance and kindof you need somebody to re re
(11:31):
reorient you all the time also.
Mm-hmm.
, especially ifyour kid is changing all the
time, you know, the kids aregrowing.
Right.
Changing.
It's interesting you called itrecovery.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
That's smart book.
Yeah.
Ok.
Recovery.
What comes to mind?
Ok, when I say recovery is thatrecovery from the, I've seen it
as the condemning self, youknow, where they're so convinced
that they can't, can't meet theneeds of the child that they
parent outta fear sometimes.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
For sure.
Yes.
I'm with you on
Speaker 2 (12:01):
That.
You know, our time is almostgone.
It's gone so fast.
I hope you come back sometime.
Please share about your trainingthat is coming up.
I believe it's just fortherapists.
How can parents and adoptees andbirth parents find a competent
(12:21):
adoption competent therapist?
What should they look for?
Speaker 3 (12:26):
Okay, first of all about my training.
So I do D D P training fortherapists, but they're, I also
have a training for that.
Parents are welcome to attend aswell and adoptees.
And it's on my website calledIntegrative Attachment Family
Therapy.
And that is, you can look on mywebsite for that or people can
email me at daphna com.
(12:49):
My recommendation for anadoption therapist, I would like
them to be able to articulatefirst of all that they work with
the parent and child together.
That's the number one thing.
And never exclude the parentunless there's a really strong
reason of, you know, parentalpathology or something like if
or if the teenager needs to talkabout things that are happening.
(13:09):
Which, okay, so I understandthat if you wanna work, if a,
their adolescent wants to workwith a therapist one-on-one, but
that parent is oftentimes thebiggest catalyst for change in
the child's life.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Oh, that's encouraging.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
And then I would want thattherapist to articulate to me
what trainings have you takenthat you're actually certified
in or have deeply trained inrather than, you know, a one day
overview or a four day training.
I'm sorry, but taking a four day, you know, level one therapy
play or D D P or one, you know,a three day emdr.
(13:46):
It's not enough.
I would prefer to go to atherapist who doesn't say that
they specialize in 50 millionthings in all age groups like
adoption, A person who isadopted and especially is coming
for attachment issues needs aspecialist.
Mm-hmm.
So I would just read theirwebsite.
Do they say I work withgeriatric and babies and
children and adolescents andcouples and you know, and I work
(14:07):
on every single thing under thesun.
I just don't know that that is aperson who's in depth enough.
So those are some things, and Ithink in the first moments that
you meet a therapist, you know,the first meeting should be
about checking to see how muchthat therapist makes you feel
like you're okay the way youare.
Like that they
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Understand.
That's good.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
You know that you make sense.
That's a feeling.
Yeah.
And you get it from persons, youknow, everything.
They're nonverbal and they waythey answer questions and the
way they move, but also how theyanswer your email and whether
they came on time, like are theytrustworthy?
That's just kinda help sensething.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Fabulous advice.
Thank you so much.
Now thank you for sharing yourwisdom with all of us.
Speaker 3 (14:51):
It's my honor.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Thank you for listening to the 20 Things
Adoption podcast.
If you can think of friends orfamily that would benefit from
this information, feel free toshare.
See you next time.
Welcome to the 20 Things adoption podcast with
your host adoption author SherryEldridge.
Adoptive parents will find hopehere.
Hope that strained relationshipswith their adopted children can
heal.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
I am so happy to introduce our guest for this
podcast, her name Isna.
And I'm gonna read you a littlebit about her biography cuz
she's such an awesome person.
She has been working as a childand family therapist for over 20
years.
She has trained in 15 countriesin three different languages.
(00:46):
She's the co-author of therapy.
Let, let's see, what's thesubtitle?
The practitioner's guide.
She has been successful inworking with children and
parents from all kinds ofbackgrounds.
So welcome.
I'm so glad that you could comeon and talk a little bit about
(01:07):
adoption.
There's just, uh, a lot ofparents that are waiting for
this podcast.
A lot of parents that I'veworked with have not felt heard
in the field of adoption andhave not seen, even though their
kids may go through therapy, itdidn't turn out successfully.
And that my heart just kindableeds for those parents and it
(01:27):
bleeds for the kids cause we'reboth hurting and we both need
help.
I loved how you talked about howyour therapy practice was honed
over the years.
Can you share a little bit aboutthat?
How you turned from being a, areally sensitive girl into
clinical social worker and thenin residential care and then
(01:50):
there wasn't the success youhoped for.
Right,
Speaker 3 (01:53):
Right, right, right, right.
I mean, I think the way I cometo be a social worker is that
like many therapist, I feltother people and other animals
pain so much that I likeidentified with them and wanted
to like, you know, help themlike be by being with them,
which I'm sure a lot of peopleidentify with this, but like
there was a straight cat and Irefused to come inside and like,
(02:15):
you know, my parents were like,oh my God, this child is not
gonna come inside
And they were forced to bring meinside and the cat, I really
have always been looking atthings from the perspective of
like the underdog or the personwho's like, who's voiceless.
And um, it comes from my ownchildhood.
My mom was voiceless, mygrandmother was voiceless.
(02:37):
And so it's all a part andparcel of why I became a social
worker.
But when I went to social workschool, you know, I did all this
schooling and then I took thefirst job that I got talked to
your friends' parents orwhatever, you know, so there's
this like sense that like yourparents are persecuting you
because you have a lot of scaryfeelings of shame and stuff like
(02:58):
that.
This kind of, my guess as tothat, part of it is just this
like built in thing that you'retriggered by stuff that you
don't know what it's about.
Especially if we all know itdoesn't matter if you were
adopted at birth and had like ahealthy year of birth, mom had a
healthy pregnancy or not, you'restill like at loss in some way.
Yes.
But especially if you had thingshappen to you in utero or that
(03:22):
you had separation where youwere not held in the arms of
somebody Right.
Who was loving towards you andwho had that loving gaze that
every baby who didn't have likesomebody look at them and feed
them and say, oh, you're hungrybaby.
And be able to take the bottleout to give them the time to
drink and stuff, all that.
If you didn't have that, it'smuch, much worse.
(03:44):
You know?
And so you're sitting on some ofthat not knowing why you're
triggered.
And then there's this who's likewatching you all the time and
then your parent has their ownstuff your adoptive parent has,
and also they are completelydifferent from you.
They don't have to be even thisdifferent color, but especially
if they're a different color,you feel so different.
(04:04):
It's almost like the entirechildhood is set up for you to
be in conflict with this parent.
So far you feel like youidentify with that?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Oh yes, definitely.
It's a challenge being adopted,but I wouldn't trade it for
anything really.
People get mad at me for sayingthat, but you know, I've had a
wonderful, wonderful life andhave found all of my family, you
know, my birth family and stufflike that.
So yeah, I totally agree.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
People are get mad at you for saying that you not give
up your experience of beingadopted.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Right.
And I'm pro adoption, they, youknow, people have grilled me
over that, but I was a tiny babywith a mother that fanta suicide
and she was gone immediately andI wouldn't have had home without
adoption.
You know, I think about all thekids out there that need homes.
So anyway, I didn't get off onthat.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
There's like, no right or wrong here, we just are
dealing with a phenomenon ofchildren that need care.
You don't deny the person'slonging for their birth family.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Oh no.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
The opposite.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
No, it's always there .
And that's okay.
That's the
Speaker 3 (05:18):
Human tradition essentially to be have this,
like the human condition is tohave duality.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
Can you tell more about that, what that means?
Speaker 3 (05:26):
Basically like we can't have everything.
We have one thing, we look atthe other thing and wonder about
it.
Mm-hmm.
We think about what, where wewere before.
It's the same thing with havinglike mixed feelings.
We love our child, but you know,they're an encumbrance on, we
love our partner, but he, shewhatever is making us feel Yeah.
(05:46):
Whatever, suffocated or, orlimited or we wanna see our
ourselves in a different prismor we wanna have mm-hmm.
Like I think that havingambivalent feelings for the most
part as long, long as it's, it'snot like the most predominant,
you know, feeling in your lifethat like, that's really human
and we have to accept that wecan't fight that and consult
(06:06):
being this dialogue withinourself to say like, oh, what's
wrong with me?
You know, why am I thinking thisway if I only did this?
And just to say, oh, I'm of twominds about this and that's okay
.
I don't have to resolve this.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
I like that.
That's very cool.
I'm sure that will bemeaningful, especially to
adoptees that are watching.
Thank you.
Well, I told you I was gonnathrow you some curve balls.
Are you ready for that?
Some examples?
Sure.
Um, okay, we already talkedabout a newborn really.
So what about a school-agedchild who just has a meltdown
(06:42):
every time it's time to go toschool or go somewhere else?
Is this common for adopted andfoster children to act this way?
And what can parents do?
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Oh my goodness.
Is it common?
It's extremely common.
Yeah.
The reason I said oh my goodnessis because there's so much that
depends on the reason why he'shaving a meltdown.
However, one of the things thatcreates the most pressure is
when there's this like buildinglike tension towards a deadline
(07:18):
and the deadline is the schoolbus is leaving or whatever, the
car is leaving, you know, you'regonna be late to school and then
if you're late to school, theteacher's gonna blame me.
You know, you're gonna lose outon whatever.
They're gonna punish you,they're gonna punish me.
My boss will also be mad at meor the whatever it is.
Whether it's an a concretepressure or a perceived pressure
(07:40):
of I can't get to my kid toschool on time.
What's wrong with me as aparent?
That is usually the first placeto try to let go.
Okay.
And I mean, you do not havecontrol over whether your kid is
going to go smoothly into thecar with their backpack and
shoes on and get to school ontime.
That is the first thing to giveup is like, you need to set up
(08:03):
everything so that thepossibility for it to go well
before, you know, to go out thedoor smoothly happens.
Mm-hmm.
Get the pack backpacks ready,get the lunches packed, get a
good night's sleep, et cetera.
But usually it's that sense oflike, okay, you gotta get your
shoes on, come on, we're gonnabe late.
(08:23):
And that is the thing thatdoesn't allow the parent to be
attuned to the child and be ableto like flow with'em and that
whole thing escalates fromthere.
So that's the first place Iwould take a look at is how much
pressure and take the pressureoff, don't get to school on
time, it's not worth it.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Okay.
That's good.
So that parents can escalate itas you just said.
Right.
Just make the pressure even more,
Speaker 3 (08:50):
A lot more.
And it's built our expectationsas parents, so you expect that
you can control it and if not,like what's wrong with you or
what will teachers say orwhatever
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Yeah.
What will the neighbors say?
Yeah.
And got an adopted kid there,you know, adopted kids don't
behave, that type of
Speaker 3 (09:09):
Thing.
Oh
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Yeah.
Society.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
And so I don't know if you're asking like for actual
like possible behavioralsolutions at this time, but I am
answering the question.
Yes, it does happen a lot.
Well, you're definitely notalone.
If so, whoever's asking thequestion, you know, so for
behavioral solution you can onlycontrol yourself.
So you would need to notice ifyou are, um, getting into
(09:33):
control battle and trying tolike cajole and prod child thing
to do is to move through yourmorning in the direction that
you wanna go, which is out thedoor.
And if the child is like, youcan suggest that they, you know,
help them to put their shoes onin a playful way or you know,
set out the breakfast and see ifthey're gonna eat.
(09:54):
But if not, like you take yourchild without having breakfast
and you take their shoes in yourhand and you move towards the
car and you send the car andthen you wait.
You know, you hope that theycome in and come along with you
the control battle of cajolingand prodding and asking 10 times
and then going, oh, oh, I can'tbelieve this.
(10:15):
You know?
Yeah.
That is where you're not likeletting go of the control
battle.
Mm-hmm.
And so that is a lot about whatI, I mean I have to spend time
with parents on that.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Well do you think dafna that adoptive parents and
foster parents that it wouldreally benefit them to do a
recovery work?
Like I've had to do that myself,you know, to get free of hate
and anger and all that kindastuff.
Just when they're, you know,willing to take a good hard look
at themselves, admit failure andso on, and then to get built up
(10:49):
again in different ways.
But do you think that wouldbenefit them?
Yeah,
Speaker 3 (10:54):
Absolutely.
That's what I mean when I say toyou have to take the time to be
with yourself, examine yourself.
Mm-hmm.
Let go of old, you know, beliefsand patterns.
Yes.
And,
Speaker 2 (11:08):
And you have to
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Work probably in therapy, you know, and be able
to check in with the therapiston a regular basis to be able to
maintain that, you know, moreless reactive self.
Mm-hmm.
of self-care.
It requires maintenance and kindof you need somebody to re re
(11:31):
reorient you all the time also.
Mm-hmm.
time, you know, the kids aregrowing.
Right.
Changing.
It's interesting you called itrecovery.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
That's smart book.
Yeah.
Ok.
Recovery.
What comes to mind?
Ok, when I say recovery is thatrecovery from the, I've seen it
as the condemning self, youknow, where they're so convinced
that they can't, can't meet theneeds of the child that they
parent outta fear sometimes.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
For sure.
Yes.
I'm with you on
Speaker 2 (12:01):
That.
You know, our time is almostgone.
It's gone so fast.
I hope you come back sometime.
Please share about your trainingthat is coming up.
I believe it's just fortherapists.
How can parents and adoptees andbirth parents find a competent
(12:21):
adoption competent therapist?
What should they look for?
Speaker 3 (12:26):
Okay, first of all about my training.
So I do D D P training fortherapists, but they're, I also
have a training for that.
Parents are welcome to attend aswell and adoptees.
And it's on my website calledIntegrative Attachment Family
Therapy.
And that is, you can look on mywebsite for that or people can
email me at daphna com.
(12:49):
My recommendation for anadoption therapist, I would like
them to be able to articulatefirst of all that they work with
the parent and child together.
That's the number one thing.
And never exclude the parentunless there's a really strong
reason of, you know, parentalpathology or something like if
or if the teenager needs to talkabout things that are happening.
(13:09):
Which, okay, so I understandthat if you wanna work, if a,
their adolescent wants to workwith a therapist one-on-one, but
that parent is oftentimes thebiggest catalyst for change in
the child's life.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Oh, that's encouraging.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
And then I would want thattherapist to articulate to me
what trainings have you takenthat you're actually certified
in or have deeply trained inrather than, you know, a one day
overview or a four day training.
I'm sorry, but taking a four day, you know, level one therapy
play or D D P or one, you know,a three day emdr.
(13:46):
It's not enough.
I would prefer to go to atherapist who doesn't say that
they specialize in 50 millionthings in all age groups like
adoption, A person who isadopted and especially is coming
for attachment issues needs aspecialist.
Mm-hmm
So I would just read theirwebsite.
Do they say I work withgeriatric and babies and
children and adolescents andcouples and you know, and I work
(14:07):
on every single thing under thesun.
I just don't know that that is aperson who's in depth enough.
So those are some things, and Ithink in the first moments that
you meet a therapist, you know,the first meeting should be
about checking to see how muchthat therapist makes you feel
like you're okay the way youare.
Like that they
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Understand.
That's good.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
You know that you make sense.
That's a feeling.
Yeah.
And you get it from persons, youknow, everything.
They're nonverbal and they waythey answer questions and the
way they move, but also how theyanswer your email and whether
they came on time, like are theytrustworthy?
That's just kinda help sensething.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Fabulous advice.
Thank you so much.
Now thank you for sharing yourwisdom with all of us.
Speaker 3 (14:51):
It's my honor.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Thank you for listening to the 20 Things
Adoption podcast.
If you can think of friends orfamily that would benefit from
this information, feel free toshare.
See you next time.
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