Navigating Adoptee Birthdays

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Hi, my friends. Well, we're going to visit the subject of adoptee birthdays again today. I just recently had one. I'm well into my seventh decade of life, and I look back and I realize that there are so many things that I couldn't say or explain. About adoptee birthdays in my younger years, but I'd just kinda like to share with you the new thoughts that I have about birthdays so that maybe the whole triad adoptees, my fellow adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, can glean some insights so that adoptees can learn to navigate those milestones in a healthy way.

So, anyway, let me just share a memory with you of my last birthday party. I was up in Michigan with my family. All of Bob's brothers were there and their wives, and many of our nieces and nephews were there. And we were sitting out in the backyard in this August afternoon in beautiful Michigan near the lake.

At one moment, one of the nieces came out with a beautiful birthday cake. It was like probably 14 inches around and it had a red candle, one red candle on it. And then I looked around and everybody, all my family was standing in a circle. They had their iPhones up and they were singing happy birthday to you.

And I tell you, it really touched my heart. I felt so incredibly loved by my family. But you know, friends, as I think about that positive experience, I think back to other times when I couldn't receive the love that my family wanted to give me. As you know, I've gone through a healing of memories time a couple years ago, so I am able to receive more than I ever could.

But this was so wonderful, and family, I love you for doing that for me. I really love each one of you so very much. So, today we're going to revisit the subject of adoptee birthdays and realize as I share these thoughts that these are my thoughts. I'm not trying to speak for all adoptees at all. I wouldn't presume to do that, but perhaps if I share my thoughts about what really goes on in an adoptee's brain and mind and body during a birthday year.

Everybody might be able to understand the adoptee better, and of course that's always my passion, is that the adopted child will navigate well through life. So, there's three things that I would like to talk about today. I'll tell you the three and then we'll go into detail. The first one is, birthdays often trigger strong emotions.

That's the first thing. The second one is, birthdays might set up the adoptee for complacencies. And the third one is, birthdays are opportunities for parents, both birth and adoptive, to prepare for the unexpected. You can't plan it, parents. And so, I'll explain that more as we go along. But, I think about my own mom, Aretha was her name.

She was such a good mom and tried so very hard on birthdays to make me feel loved, to make me feel special. I have a picture of her, black and white photo of the table that she sat for me at the picnic table when I was about five years old, sitting with all my friends, all dressed up in pretty dresses and stuff around the picnic table and everybody was having fun, but I was pouting.

Sure, I couldn't have told you at that time what was going on in my mind. I know now that I was very sad. I was missing my birth mother, my first mother, as we say now, beautiful Elizabeth, who was my first mom, who gave me my first home, whose heartbeat became the rhythm for my life, for the dance of adoption.

And I was missing her. I didn't even know about her then, at least in a verbal way. But of course I did, because I grew in her womb. We will always be a part of our first family, and we love them very much. I wish that, as many of you know, the reunion that I had with Elizabeth ended in re