February 2, 2024 • 48 mins
Kat and Val are chatting up all things aging. How do we bring play into our lives as older adults with full lives? How do we make the choice to grow and expand into our latter years vs. retract and see our lives grow small? How to get better and better at “giving no fucks”? All this and more friends! Enjoy!
This season Kat and Val plan to record longer episodes about once a month as they practice centering their needs while producing this labor of love. If you’d like to support the show please “buy us a cup of coffee” and help offset costs!
Thanks for listening!
*This podcast is for entertainment purposes only
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Kat and Val Podcast
Val's offerings:
Val is in the pickle ball documentary trailer!
So This is Love Club
Reset Yourself for Love Program
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Kat's offerings:
Fat Liberation Art -Fat Mystic Etsy Shop
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Additional resources/definitions referenced in most episodes:
The soul of Money by Lynne Twist
How to Change Your Mind (Netflix Docuseries) Micheal Pollan
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
Jill Johnson Young- grief talker
Five Stages of Grief
Intuitive eating.org
NAAFA National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance
Tell Me I'm Fat - This American Life
Adrienne Maree Brown
Pleasure Activism; The Politics of Feeling Good
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
val (00:10):
You're listening to three questions with Katten, Val I'm
Kat and I'm bow.
We've been friends for over 20years.
Thousands of therapists and catsand artists.
We're both great talkers.
And we're both XFN delicacy whoused to pastor gay.
Now we both have chronicillnesses.
We think we're fuckinghilarious.
(00:39):
Oh, hi friend.
Hi friend.
Um, we did a
kat (00:44):
did a thing.
val (00:45):
We did a thing.
It was good.
We liked that thing.
kat (00:48):
Oh, we did a
val (00:48):
was a good thing.
kat (00:49):
And then we just got busy and we didn't like share it with
any of you guys.
So,
val (00:53):
Sorry not sorry, we're hibernating! Come on! Um, yeah,
kat (01:00):
But we recorded an episode ages ago and we still want to
release it so we're going to sohere you
val (01:05):
Cause time is, time is a construct,
kat (01:06):
It's all made up fuckers
val (01:08):
Go enjoy it!
kat (01:08):
Also, we love
val (01:09):
We love you!
kat (01:12):
Hello, hello, hello.
Hello, Val.
God.
We're here, we're doing it.
We're here, again.
Once a month, fuckers.
I was gonna say, just like yourperiod.
We're gonna talk about aging andperimenopause and all those
things, so.
(01:32):
Yeah.
Look at you, throwing it inright there.
Well, because we are this seasontwo, we're doing approximately
once a month on our episodes.
Yeah.
And this month, December, well,it's December, but it's
Sagittarius season, right?
Yes.
And so it's our birthday window.
Birthday window.
Because you're a November Sag.
(01:53):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Very late November.
Yeah.
Turkey, turkey baby.
Yeah.
Sometimes your birthday lands onThanksgiving.
It really does.
Yeah.
Was that annoying growing up?
Yes.
Oh yeah.
I could see that.
Probably it's more annoying now.
Really?
More annoying now?
Well, I think as a kid I justdidn't really.
Oh sure.
Or maybe I just don't rememberanymore.
Right.
But now yeah, so I had, you sawa beautiful bouquet of flowers I
(02:15):
got from friends.
Yeah.
was birthday observed, and so Ijust have to find little cracks
and spaces and, and.
Yeah, cause everyone's got shitgoing on.
Yeah, I think that's the hardestpart cause then.
Right after Thanksgiving iseveryone's holiday party.
So I thought one year I learnedmy lesson of the first week of
December.
Most people have their holidayparty.
So I thought I was being smart.
Okay.
I'll plan my party here.
(02:36):
And then, and then all the RSVPscome back though, that's still
as a highly.
sensitive person.
It still kills me.
It hurts your feelings.
It does.
Rafiq always wants me to reachout to people last minute and
it's just so ridiculous to belike no's are so hard to hear
even though it logically soactually I think I'm getting
better at that though, I'll haveto say.
(02:56):
bUt I do love celebrating andhonestly, it's just an excuse to
have quality time with thepeople I love.
I think so.
Yeah.
And we do love to throw a party.
You guys are the best at it.
It's you and your resort energy.
last episode we talked about youhaving your resort energy.
Healing resort energy.
Yeah.
Healing resort energy.
Yeah.
And you throw a great party.
So the parties that you throwthat I've been to are always
(03:17):
like really fun and the energyis so good and there's cool
people.
Yeah.
And yeah.
Oh, I was just telling samebirthday friends that About the
moment where Rafiq was doingthis whole big production to the
song Mambo No.
5, which is really, like, kindof a misogynistic song.
(03:38):
But one of your friends thatcame well, it was like, He was
coming over to sort of like thequeer, the queer corner, the
cool kids, the cool kids.
But like, and I in my head, itwas happening.
I was like, Oh man, but theyrolled with it.
We talked about this before,where you're like, well, it's
Rafiq's energy.
It just somehow it doesn't seemoffensive or like anybody else
(04:01):
who came up to them and was likelet's sing Mambo No.
Five, a little bit of Monica, alittle bit of and they would be
like, Go fuck yourself, sir.
And don't enjoy it, that was areally funny memory.
He's so authentically himself insuch an alive way that it's hard
not to be delighted.
It really is.
It's hard not to be delightedwhen he's just like, dancing in
(04:21):
front of you, like, yeah, shakethat ass, motherfucker.
Yeah, you and all my queerfriends are like, you go, it's
awesome.
Oh, there's a lot of, yeah, alot of great memories from, from
that moment.
Yeah.
How are you feeling about yourbirthday this year?
Well, I, I just, the other day Iwas like, Whoa, I'll be 46.
(04:44):
And I'm like, That's, that'slike, you know, upper 40s.
It's late 40s now.
And there's something about thatwhen you're like, you switch to
a different like, category orlike, you know, we check out
those boxes for whatever randomshit we're filling out and I'm
like, I'm in a new category.
Yeah.
But I'm okay with it, like it'sjust in my internal self
perception, I've kind of been inmy early 40s for a hot minute,
(05:06):
right?
And so now I gotta be like,yeah, it's late 40s, you know,
so, but it's all made up.
Yeah.
Right?
So, and the thing about aging isthat when I think about old
people, what I super love aboutthem is this ability to give
less and less fucks, right?
Yes.
And when I think about myself,you ever do a meditation where
you try to like interact withyour future self?
(05:28):
Isn't that like a normal thingthat we do?
I'm sorry.
No, I haven't.
It's, I mean, it's, it's on mylist, but no, I haven't, you,
you could have just stoppedwith, have you ever tried a
meditation and I'm like,
val (05:45):
like,
kat (05:45):
not, not that much, not really.
Okay.
Well, it's something really funbecause, you know, I am on my
like ever evolving healingjourney stuff.
Right.
And.
This like quest to be as free asI can be, right?
The specifics of me and my lifeand who I am in the world and,
you know, why ever.
I, like, showed up in this humanbody, human form, like, I want
(06:06):
to get as free as I can.
So it's not in comparison toanyone else, but sometimes, as a
practice, I'm, like, trying tocheck in with, like, this future
version of myself, like, Hey,what, what are we, what does it
look like to be free?
It's more free.
Like five, five years down theroad, like what does that look
like?
And so what, what, what has yourfuture self telling you?
(06:28):
Oh man, they're such a bad ass.
Yeah.
Oh God.
It's so interesting.
So, okay.
Last episode I talked about likethat big intense mushroom trip I
was on and like, that I wasdoing more channeling and I had
to like deal with an awful lotof my own resistances and
stories that I had about thatand like how othering it made me
feel and it was reallyuncomfortable.
(06:49):
And so, but as I
val (06:51):
as I
kat (06:51):
sit with it, I sit with myself and again, like sort of,
Anchoring into this like thisfuture version of me.
There's just no issue It's justlike something that probably a
lot of us can do but I thinkwhen we heal our stuff we heal
the trauma We sort of clear thechannel.
We like clear out all theprogramming that is really loud
in our culture.
Yeah Yeah, right.
(07:12):
Yeah, and so going all the wayback at my story to like the
body liberation journey.
So like the body liberationspace kind of kicked loose this
like radical acceptance ofeverything, right?
So not just my physical form,but like my ADHD, you know, my
my queerness, like so muchstuff.
And so I'm using thoseprinciples and those practices
(07:34):
to like lean back into my ownmysticism, right?
And it's a full circle thingbecause again, when we were
Pentecostals, we were likemystical as fuck, right?
And so But I did, because ofmessaging, because of
programming in our culture, haveto do an awful lot of, like
resistance work.
Like, I'm like, okay, I'm awarethat I feel, I don't know,
uncomfortable with this for alot of different reasons.
(07:56):
And so then I just offered thoseplaces in me that were
uncomfortable, like compassion,and I just decided, like, what
am I going to do?
Like, keep playing small, orjust, Accept that this is just
part of what I can do and itfeels good when I actually do
it, right?
So, so like again the agingthing and like tapping into like
this future version of myself,like there's just zero fucks,
(08:17):
right?
We just, we have less hang upsand that is fucking hot, right?
You see people out in the world,that's one of the reasons why.
Rafiq is so compelling, right?
Your husband, because he doesn'tgive fucks and it's cool as
shit, right?
Yeah, and then I just find thatwhen I center myself and I want
to align with whatever myhighest Timeline is my highest
(08:41):
expression of myself.
It's giving less and less fucks.
It's less and less programmingand giving less fucks.
And then just doing the shitthat I can do.
Like channeling higherdimensional beings.
That are giving us pep talks.
You know you're talking and youknow it's funny like this makes
me seem very so unselfaware, Iguess, but as you were talking,
(09:05):
I'm like, Oh, maybe that waspart of why I was attracted to
him in the beginning.
But I, but also he, he didn't,he didn't let on to all that in
the very beginning, right?
He was just kind of, I don'tthink I saw the full freedom,
right?
Because as you get, you know,more comfortable with people and
maybe, maybe he has become morefree too.
But I think maybe.
(09:25):
In
val (09:26):
I think that in that
kat (09:26):
opposites kind of, you know, seek each other out or
we're attracted to those thingsthat my very buttoned up unfree
self was like, oh, yeah.
You know, what's really funny isyou asked about, do you, do a
meditation where you, where youtalk to your future self, Rafika
and I have.
have a, we have a form of that,that a tradition that we do when
(09:48):
we're out on vacation will andit's kind of weird, but we'll so
it started off on a birthdaytrip to Brazil where Rafique
almost died on my birthday,saving a honeymooning couple who
had gotten into the undercurrentat the beach.
Oh my God.
And so, I fell asleep on thebeach because I had a head cold.
(10:10):
I'm one of the most beautifulbeaches in the world, actually.
It's on that list, right?
This little island.
And he comes back and then he'stelling me this story about how
he helped try, you know, helpedsave them and rescue them, blah,
blah, blah.
But on that trip, we were on aboat.
And there was this oldergentleman and he, because, you
know, Rafiq wears a Speedobecause he's from Brazil.
(10:30):
Right.
And when we first got together,I was like, you can't wear that
around the Americans.
He's like, why?
And it's so funny to watchpeople get embarrassed about the
male form when the female bodyis always on display.
Right.
Yeah.
But if there is a a male form.
All my friends were soembarrassed, like, Rafiq, put
that away, Rafiq, what are youdoing?
Even when he takes off hisshirt, like, we had friends call
(10:52):
up, like, Okay, I picked up Valand Rafiq, we're on our way, but
just so you know, Rafiq doesn'thave a shirt on.
I'm like, why is thatnewsworthy?
Anyway, there was an older man,picture, he had, like, silver,
white hair.
He was incredibly tanned andkind of leathery.
Had a bit of a little belly thatwas hanging over his bright
turquoise Speedo.
Like, bikini Speedo.
(11:14):
Wow.
like showering himself off afterlike going on a boat ride.
And so that started out the,that's what I want you to look
like when you're older.
So when we're out, he'll belike, we'll see older people
out, like living their life,like vacationing, whatever.
And he'll say, Hey, okay, I wantyou to look like that grandma
(11:34):
when you're older.
It's such a weird practice, butin a sense, we are like thinking
into the future of like how wewant to age, how we want to.
And they're always like womenwith long, like silvery white
hair with like long flowydresses who do feel free and are
just like live in their life.
(11:55):
And so it's hilarious that weare doing that form of
meditation.
I love it.
So it looks like you guys arealready like planning to age,
right?
Like, and you're not avoidingit.
Like, he's not pointing outpeople that haven't aged, right?
Like, that's beautiful.
I love it.
It is beautiful.
I do love that it's not alsolike sort of that unattainable
(12:16):
Oh yeah.
Right.
Standard of well, he always talkabout Cher's.
Plastic surgeon is really great.
like, share does not look easy.
Share's 80.
Yeah.
That's intense.
Yeah.
But yeah, we are thinking abouthow we do want to.
Kind of continue.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that we're allowed, likewe're allowed to have like our
skin is drooping or like ourface changes, we have more
lines, you know?
I like that specifically.
(12:37):
Like all that silver billowinghair, you know, I love it.
Yeah.
It is the both end, isn't it?
Yeah.
And and it's great that justbecause we are kind of
rejecting.
society's beauty standards thatwe can do certain things that we
want to do, right?
But we're doing them because wewant to, because it makes us
feel good.
(12:57):
Not because we have to, to beacceptable.
Because everything ispermissible.
There's no wrong way to age,really.
Like, you're going to age.
You just keep staying alive.
We age, right?
And so people who You know, feelthe need or the desire to like,
do this or that thing to tweaktheir face or their body.
You know, it's not, it's notexactly wrong or anything, but
you know, I just saw thisSubstack post from Elizabeth
(13:20):
Gilbert.
I follow her on Substack, whichis like a new writing platform
and she's doing a video andshe's doing this thing where
she's like, channeling love andwriting letters to herself from
love as if love was like aconscious entity, right?
And so she did this reallyvulnerable post about how she
just wants to be done gettingBotox and getting lip fillers.
Like she just, just like I'mdone.
(13:41):
And she, usually she has like acropped haircut and now she
she's like cut it really short.
And shaved it.
And I just, I found it sobeautiful.
I just, I just was like, yay,because it feels more free in
whatever your individual versionof freedom is.
Like, again, if some of thisbeauty stuff is, you know, your
version of freedom, that's fine.
But like, for me personally, Ido resonate more with how nice
(14:04):
it feels.
Like I stopped wearing makeupsome time ago.
Yeah.
And I'm like, Oh, it feelsreally good.
Like specifically I used toreally I don't know like how I
looked with like eyeliner andmascara and stuff it like makes
your eyes pop But then I just itdidn't feel that good like
physically the the sensation ofit because you know again
neurodiversity I have some likesensory issues and I started to
(14:26):
notice that the people I wasalways drawn to were like You
know, like femme people or maskof center people in a femme,
like AFAB person, but theydidn't have any eye makeup on,
right?
I just loved it.
I just loved like no makeup onfemme faces, And so.
I just stopped doing it and itfeels really good to not think
about it anymore, right?
(14:47):
Like I'm getting ready to go outand do a fun thing.
I don't have to take the addedtime of like, well, and I'm
going to put, you know, make itfun.
And I just like how I look like,I'm like, Oh, it's hi, it's you.
Like when I see myself in themirror or something like that,
so, and then, you know, my faceis changing.
Like, you know, there's more,you know, crow's feet stuff and
But I just, I'm like, it feelsgood, it feels like, again, I'm
(15:09):
sort of discovering the mostauthentic me and so I was really
excited when I saw that postfrom Elizabeth Gilbert.
For those of you who don't know,Elizabeth Gilbert is the person
who wrote Eat, Pray, Love, andshe's written a ton of stuff,
but I've been a fan of her for along time now.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I think now we're in theage of people talking more real
about their lives, right?
(15:29):
Yeah.
And having having platforms thatare outside of like the studio
or their, their agent or theirPR.
Right.
So they can, they can postpictures of themselves without
makeup or there's no onecontrolling their image.
Right.
Cause maybe the people in thepublic eye in the past, right.
There was a lot more pressure tolook a certain way or present
(15:54):
yourself.
Yeah, you can really feel thatthat is shifting, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's still, maybe not so muchtransparency, there's, there is
a lot, but I think that we allforget that when we see a
picture of someone, most likelyit's airbrushed.
Most likely.
Sure.
You know, or, or the people thatdon't seem to age at all, they,
(16:14):
they are doing so many of thesetreatments, right?
Right.
On a daily basis.
And I think we forget that andsome people are being
transparent and some are not.
And maybe that's none of ourbusiness.
Right.
But you know, when you weretalking about makeup, I was
thinking about my ownrelationship with makeup and I,
I do love to wear eye makeup aswell.
And of course I, I go out inpublic without it, but I, I
(16:34):
really enjoy it.
Yeah.
But I was thinking back tocollege.
Yeah.
And if you're just tuning in,we, we met in college and been
friends since we went in biblecollege, And I don't think I
would go out of the dorm Yeah.
Without makeup.
Right, right.
And actually I think I gotbullied the first time I
actually did bullied in Bible.
(16:57):
So gross.
I remember I was like, no, I'mjust going to go to breakfast,
right?
Because we live in the dorms.
And I'm like, Nope, I'm going totry it without it.
Oh, wow.
I've never thought about this ina long time.
And a friend of mine who was,who's male was just like, and he
knew my dad, I think too.
(17:17):
And he was like, he saidsomething about me looking more
like my dad at that point.
I know it was like, Oh great.
Like I tried to like go out inpublic and then, when something
like that Happens to you itreinforces right?
But yeah, I actually didn'tremember that in college.
I wouldn't go out without makeupI think the key is always going
to be authenticity when it comesto like however we want to
(17:40):
participate with beautification.
Right?
Because what you're telling inthat story is that there is an
expectation and you didn't havethe freedom of I choose it when
I want to.
Yeah.
It was I will be ridiculed insome way.
or attention will be brought tome in some way that I'm not
interested in if I do not dothis act of like putting on this
makeup.
I just recently watched adocumentary about Dolly Parton
(18:01):
and I've never been like a deepdive, like I know her music
really well, but of course I'vebeen like aware of her for ages
and you just can't help but loveher, right?
She's truly authentic and I lovethat she, in this documentary,
she was just so Like, quick tosay that, like, I know I look
plastic, but I love it.
And, and then, I, like, thisfriend of mine was, like, you
(18:22):
know, like, the most authenticperson in, like, this very sort
of, like, you know, plastic y.
And it works because she justauthentically just loves it,
right?
She's not doing it for anyoneelse.
internally decided this is whatshe wants and she's having fun
with it.
She's in on the joke of it too.
You know what I mean?
(18:42):
Sure.
I love that and also when wenavigate our lives forward again
in aging or however we want tolike progress our life.
To, to always know, like, ourchoices are from an internal
place.
That's where freedom comes.
So the freedom to chooseanything you want, right?
Yeah.
Literally anything.
Mm hmm.
But as long as it's the internalchoice versus what we can all
(19:04):
relate to is that sensation of,like, I will be rejected in some
way if I do not conform andperform this A, B, or C.
Yeah.
And it all goes back to like, amI lovable?
Yeah.
Will I be accepted and loved?
Yeah.
But our authenticity is the keyto it.
I, I'm a hundred percentagreeing with you because you're
(19:24):
right.
Like I'm imagining two peopledoing that exact same thing.
Totally.
One doing it out of fear orshame or just even not really.
Of their will.
And you can see it, right?
You can see it on them.
You can.
And their energy.
And that's what's so beautifulabout like Dolly Parton is her
energy is like pure.
It is like alive and shiny andvibrant.
(19:45):
Yes.
And like playful.
I don't know.
She's great.
I love her.
We've talked about that so much,right?
About being embodied and howyour energy how that changes the
energy and how people feel thatand want to be around you.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I, I gotta say it'sthe both and still because I am
noticing my face is changing.
And that marks the passage oftime, right?
(20:06):
And You feel like mortality isin it for you?
I, I don't think so.
Or not yet.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Yeah.
But I think.
Besides, like, weight changes, Ihaven't had that many change,
right?
Like, how many other changes dowe have besides weight?
(20:27):
Like, at a certain point, westop growing our heights.
Yes.
Right?
Maybe not a lot of other thingschange.
Yeah.
And so I think those things feelbig.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Yeah.
So we were talking about, youknow, our birthdays and like, I
know that you've got, you know,your birthdays what, what
birthdays is for you??
(20:47):
Let me think.
48.
Because I have my, because Ihave my pickleball age.
I told you, I think I talkedabout that before.
Well, tell me about thepickleball.
Well, it's funny.
Your pickleball age is what youwill be.
By December 31st of that year.
So on January 1st, if yourbirthday is on December 31st.
Yeah, January 1st of that yearYou're already that age.
(21:07):
Oh, I'm still under 50, whichokay I think I have talked about
this, but I'm so excitedpickleball the gift that keeps
on giving people That I havesomething to look forward to, to
turning 50 and I don't feel liketerrible about turning 50 and I
think again, the privilege of,of living and owning yourself
and just feeling more confident,but.
(21:29):
A lot of tournaments are agebased and it's usually under 50
or 50 and over.
And so everyone's like, Oh, ifwe play with you, we got to play
down with the young kids.
So we've lost a couple of goldsand had to settle for silver for
some like people that werealmost 30 years younger than we
were, you know what I mean?
And that's just.
Yeah.
I say, Oh, you still haveelastic in your muscles.
(21:52):
You can bend, you can twist, youcan it, it is a factor.
Yeah.
So I think everyone will be soexcited and I'm in our little or
group, I'm one of the youngest.
So that is so.
I have been pickleball 48 sinceJanuary 1st, but I haven't
turned 48 yet.
So four weeks after I turned 49,I will be pickleball 50.
(22:14):
Okay.
Yeah.
And then you're going to be theyoung snapper, like snatching up
all those golds.
That's awesome.
Okay.
Tell us the update about thedocumentary you are in.
Yes.
It was fully funded.
The Kickstarter was successful,so they're continuing on to make
that like a reality.
(22:34):
So thank you to everybody and Ihope you see the link in the
show notes for the trailer andYeah, I watched the trailer.
Did you?
It's fun to see you in it.
Yeah.
I see you twice.
Yeah.
One time speaking, one time not.
Yeah.
And that's so cool.
Yeah.
So that's exciting.
Yeah.
And then don't you have a tripcoming up?
Oh yeah, we're going to theamateur nationals in Florida in
(22:57):
a couple weeks.
So, putting it to the test.
I know, I know.
Oh, I have a great last night weWe played until we couldn't play
anymore because of the sun goingdown and I felt like it was so
invigorating like I feel like alittle kid.
We're refusing to give up likewe couldn't see the ball
anymore.
Like hey, we got to call it, ohI'm telling you like whatever it
(23:20):
is folks find the thing thatConnects you to your playfulness
and to your childhood, to youryounger self.
And that is what will keep youyoung.
Oh, I was just going to say theexact same thing.
Yeah.
When we talk about aging andagain, like when we deprogram
ourselves, right.
From like the stuff, the noisein our culture that keeps us.
Kind of, like, suppressed and,and oppressed in a lot of ways.
(23:41):
We break out of that, we, we getto move into our, our older
years more free, More authentic,and then re finding,
rediscovering play.
Yeah.
Some people age the other way,they get contracted, but we get
to choose.
You get to choose.
Yeah.
Do you want to age and getexpansive or retracted, right?
(24:03):
And that's just about like howloud of a voice we give fear in
our whole, in every part of ourlife.
Like fear contracts and likelove and acceptance expands.
Yeah.
Okay, wait.
I want to tell you a cool agingstory.
Yeah.
There's a movie on Netflixcalled Nyad and it's got Annette
Bening and who's the otherperson?
(24:25):
Jodie Foster.
Yeah.
And they're playing.
A real life story of these twowomen in their 60s and it is
epic and amazing and I'm notgoing to give any spoilers but I
just loved it.
The acting was so good.
Talk about like a feel goodthing.
Talk about like, like you'realigning with your destiny and
like you're not too old to liketake on some big massive dream.
(24:48):
Right?
Oh, that's so good.
Did you watch it?
I didn't, but I remember itbeing in the news.
Yeah.
I'll say that.
I remember it being in the news.
Me too.
Oh, it's so good.
Yeah.
I also think about maybesomewhere in one of the Nordic
countries, they, they pairedpeople who are living in aging
homes with preschools.
Oh, yeah.
I read about that.
(25:08):
Yeah, putting that together.
And I think part of it is aboutbeing useful, but I think
another part is aboutyouthfulness.
And when, again, we get todiscover life through the eyes
of a child, a child doesn't haveso much programming and honestly
usually has a lot less fear.
And that can kind of like, Idon't know, wake us up again to
write how, how free we canchoose to be.
(25:32):
Speaking of pickleball again thenational competition was, was
this past week and theyinterviewed a 93 year old woman
who was playing and her, I guessher husband played with like the
founders down.
I guess it was founded in thestate of Washington and they
lived down the street and theyplayed with the founders and.
played competitions against him,but at 93 being still able to
(25:53):
compete in the tournament,that's so beautiful.
I feel like that is more mygoals now than any sort of
right.
Any sort of.
Weight metric, or beauty metric,or financial metric.
It's how, how well could I agein what my body can do.
Cause, right, you know, I have achronic illness.
(26:14):
I, I kind of joke that I've feltlike I had a grandma body since
I was 20.
And so that's, I still have tomanage that.
And it's, it's fear like creepsin like, Ooh, how will my older
years be if.
I felt this way as a 20 yearold, right?
But I love to that.
(26:35):
I've seen more articles about OhThe focus is more about what
your body can do.
Like, can you pick up heavygroceries?
Can you walk a flight of stairs?
Can you squat?
Like, I'm reading more about ifyou can do a deep squat, that is
the biggest indicator of health.
That's amazing.
And not everyone can do it.
And I don't even know if I coulddo it right now.
It's my knee hurts.
(26:55):
But thinking about, oh, here'ssome exercises not to give you
like, you know, a Brazilianbooty lift, right?
Like not, not to do that.
That's to give you a biggerbutt.
But to make sure that you'regoing into your, your, you know,
golden years functional, right?
Yeah.
Mm.
That's so beautiful.
(27:16):
Yeah.
I can do a deep squat.
At the gym, I don't go thatoften, but when I can get myself
to the gym, my favorite machineto use is it's like a reclined
squat machine.
Yeah.
The press, the leg press thing.
Yeah, yeah.
God, I love that.
And I.
Yeah.
I make the settings so that Ipush into the deepest squat
possible.
Man, does that feel good.
I love that feeling.
(27:36):
It feels good to be in my body.
Yes.
I'm just noticing we haven'treally referenced our questions.
So like for anyone who's morenew to the podcast, so our three
questions is, what are youlearning?
And then what's moving aroundfor you?
Or how are you evolving?
And then finally, what'sbringing you pleasure?
Yeah.
So in this conversation, we'vedanced around.
Yeah.
Anything you specificallylearned about aging and maybe
(27:58):
aging as like a femme personwith a female body?
Yes.
Like menopause stuff?
Yes.
Yes.
I have been learning aboutperimenopause.
Hmm.
Right.
And.
Because that's the age groupwe're in.
That's our experience.
It is.
I don't know how it was talkedabout, in your sphere, but it
was just something kind of to befeared like, Oh gosh, the hot
flashes are going to beterrible, you know you're going
(28:21):
to be grouchy and moody andalways hot and can't sleep.
Like those are the things that Ithink were kind of the, yeah,
the symptoms that were talkedabout the most.
But my dear friend cat, it goesso much deeper than that.
And the discussion is gettingout there.
Like which again, right, isgreat.
(28:41):
And we know that we live in apatriarchal society and we've
known that there hasn't been asmuch money spent on.
researching and helping women gothrough perimenopause, right?
So, you know, Oprah's talkingabout it.
Some other celebrities areputting their money behind apps
and all these things and peopleare talking about it.
And so I think that is going tohave a great impact.
(29:03):
I just read that.
Millennials and Gen Z's will bethe first ones that will know
about perimenopause Yeah, beforethey experience it.
So they'll be looking out forit.
So it won't be like thisisolated solo alone kind of
lonely Sense of is sensationsand experiences you're having
you're like what's happening me.
You don't know what's going onLike those before us.
(29:25):
Yeah.
Well and I would say I I, I knewthe word perimenopause, but it
was just like, Oh, that's theperiod of time.
Right.
It could be starting in your midthirties, And there's some
interesting symptoms that evenyou and I have talked about
that.
Oh, cause I, I did notunderstand the symptoms I was
having were probablyperimenopause.
(29:46):
But remember on this verypodcast, you and I were talking
about anxiety and we asked eachother, did you feel anxious as a
kid or in college now?
And it was like, I don't know,did we just not really know that
we're people not using the termanxiety as much, or is it
because we're older and we havemore things to be anxious about?
Is it the world?
What is it?
(30:07):
And a drop in progesterone cancause anxiety and about the time
where I started to feel reallyanxious was probably my mid to
late thirties.
Right at that time.
And even just as a mental healthpractitioner, right, right.
Like not knowing that or not,and, and maybe treatment is the
same, but I think.
(30:28):
Understanding.
Oh, this is a part of it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And now, I guess when HRTHormone Replacement Therapy
first came out.
There were some studies thatkind of made it seem scary.
And then they saw a lot of womenwere not going on it.
And there was all this fear.
And I from what I understandnow, from what I'm learning,
which it's such a wild time tobe a live cat and get all of our
(30:50):
information from like a dancingdoctor, right?
But they're talking about howfor most people it is going to
be.
The, the treatment forperimenopause and menopause now
and in the future where somepeople in the future might not
even have to go through any ofthese symptoms.
Why suffer?
Right.
You know, it's interesting tooagain on TikTok a lot, we're
(31:10):
seeing the mainstream medicinebe more open to indigenous
medicines.
And so I was seeing a TikTok notthat long ago where someone was
talking about like a kind ofyam, and how it has Some kind of
hormone that helps balance outfor menopause.
Yeah, progesterone.
Am I saying that right?
(31:30):
Progesterone?
Progesterone is the hormone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It helps balance outprogesterone.
Yeah, and it's in yams orsomething.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I was like, so, youknow, you could have like
something prescribed to you oralso like there's some natural
ways to like People have alreadybeen knowing how to deal with
this.
Yes.
They more naturopathic remedies,right?
Yeah, yeah.
But it exists in nature as well.
Yes.
(31:51):
Right.
And so like the idea that wewould like use something to like
help us.
navigate what our body is goingthrough.
Like we have like, like foodsor, or movement or even
meditations like to be presentwith, oh hey this is what's
happening.
And so I'm going to gravitatetowards whatever like tool or
(32:13):
assistance will allow me to likeage gracefully.
Like my body's gonna change.
I'm experiencing perimenopause.
And we're moving into menopauselike, Ooh, what's available for
me to be like loving and kindand gentle with myself to be
like, Hey, this is going to helpso that, it's not rough.
It's not kicking my ass.
Yes, yes.
I think also in the medicalcommunity, it's been documented
(32:36):
that doctors don't believewomen.
When they talk about their pain,they think they're overdoing it.
Also, people of color, theydon't believe as much either
about their pain.
So, yeah, like some inherentthing that women should suffer
and we don't.
Yeah.
Right.
It goes all the way with thebook in the Bible.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Suffering and childbirth and allthat stuff.
Man, living in a patriarchalsociety, yeah, yeah.
(32:59):
So you need to get some moremoney.
We had our money episode lasttime and, and, and help, you
know, further these studies andsee that, you know, women's
health beyond their, like whatthey can reproduce for society.
is, is important.
And I'm going to yes, and you,because yeah, I, if I took a
running list of all the thingsthat they say help, which I'm
(33:20):
sure they do, I think also itcan be overwhelming too, right.
It's just kind of the trial anderror of what works for you what
do you have space for yeah andagain here's the thing like i
think when we are aligned in away we can maybe get information
there's like a whole list andit's overwhelming but i really
just will let myself look at alist like that and just see and
(33:41):
scan if anything is shiny.
What feels shiny to me?
Right?
Is it carrots or is it a yam?
I think it's interesting.
These are both root vegetables.
And like I've been reading a lotabout earthing, you know, are
you familiar?
Yeah.
And so I don't know exactly howit works, but except there's a
lot of like, we're electricityin our body, right?
And then the Earth haselectricity and it like balances
out the neurons or something,the free radicals, I don't
(34:04):
really remember.
It's like an electric, yeah,like an electric current.
Grounding, grounding.
Yeah, like our physical humanbody.
Because most of the soles of ourshoes are rubber, and then we
never touch the earth with ourbare skin.
Like, we're we're sort of,within our physical form,
there's like, there's a releasethat we need that is so easy.
It's just, you know, ourancestors all walked on the
earth, and we're just, oursociety doesn't do that.
(34:26):
So, I'm doing this practicewhere I'm just trying to like,
put my bare feet out in theworld a little bit more.
And then I'm like, Whee! This ishelping me! Well, and they say
that about the sand as well, andso another reason why everyone
feels better at the beach,right?
There is a big movement.
I'll say with circadian rhythmsgetting your sunshine in the
morning and and and having yourfeet touch the earth Right, and
(34:49):
I'm sure that there is truth toit I'm not I wish I would have
known that before I putartificial turf on the one patch
of grass we have Thanks a lotBut yeah, I also read about
like, that trees emit thatfrequency as well.
And so like, like tree hugging,yeah, it didn't come from just a
(35:10):
name to call hippies were like,hugging them to save them.
But I think there is a practiceof actually hugging trees to
feel calm.
Yeah.
Fucking tree hugger.
Also, like, in my early researchinto ADHD, like, there's a lot
of talking about, like forcedbathing.
It just means going into aforest.
(35:31):
We just need to be aroundfucking trees, people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's good.
It's good for us to just go backto fucking nature and not live
in this.
Like yeah, I, I, I swearoverhead lighting is like gives
me headaches.
I'm so glad I'm not in an officewith, you know, fluorescent
lighting.
Yeah.
Staring into the sun, I tell youthat I still I'm like, if I had
(35:52):
to worship something, I stillI'm going to worship the sun
because it makes me feel sofucking good.
It does.
Thank you.
Vitamin D.
Oh, man.
Oh.
What?
SOrry, you reminded me.
I had to make sure this gets onthe podcast.
If you remember, we have a anepisode called Sad Bitches Get
Vitamin D.
Because one time you came andyou were sad and you're like, I
(36:13):
think I'm going to go and sitoutside.
I'm like, perfect.
And I went in my little medicinecabinet and like shoved some
gummies in your face withouttelling you what they were.
And I think either yourimpulsivity of ADHD or just your
trust to me, you just took themwithout asking what they were.
Yeah, yeah.
It's very on brand for me.
Well, you are like Rafiq so muchin that way.
(36:35):
And I'm just like, why don't youthink before you act, instead of
act, and then I really gave itto me.
I know I have a reallyembarrassing story about how he
did that.
And that was like.
A really, it turned out reallybadly for him, but maybe, maybe
that's for today.
Maybe that's for another, it's alittle bit intimate, but this is
a really funny story.
But anyway, another funny storyis that, yeah, you just took
(36:56):
them and you're like, wait, I'mlike sad bitches get vitamin D.
And then that we talked aboutdepression, right?
Yeah.
So, I have a friend who's alistener of the podcast.
We love him.
And he was telling me like, Ohyeah, sorry.
I haven't been calling like thetime changes got me feeling sad.
And he's like, but I startedtaking my vitamins.
I didn't know if that was codefor.
(37:18):
marijuana or real vitamins andI'm like wait are you taking
he's like yeah I'm taking myvitamin D just like you told me
I got the brand new gut and Iwas like oh I wanted I wanted to
say sad bitches get vitamin Dbut you know he's real so I said
I said sad boys and then when Ithought of sad boys then it
(37:41):
became bad boys so I startedsinging sad boys sad boys what
you gonna do Sad boys sad boys.
Oh my god, what you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
Take a gummy or two?
sad boys sad boys We could takeit on the road.
Oh my god that that brought morejoy than maybe it's such a
(38:05):
faithful listener I know we loveyou after an episode.
I know thank you for being ourlisteners everybody.
We did So we just set up a BuyUs a Cup of Coffee and we got
some feedback already and peopleare donating to help offset the
cost of our amazing podcast thatyou all love and adore so much.
We love doing it.
It's so fun.
(38:25):
It feels like a great outlet forus, but also like if you get any
value from this, like you'll seeit in the show notes, like
please go buy us a cup ofcoffee, help contribute to the
overhead costs.
Yes.
Yay.
What a fun conversation,Valerie.
Of a topic that is not always sofun.
I know, kind of taboo, right?
(38:46):
Again, people are afraid to die.
I'm not afraid to die anymore.
I'm like, ooh, I'm gonna findout what's on the other side,
motherfuckers.
What if it's nothing?
Would that be funny?
But then you would just, I mean,I don't really think you'll
cease to exist as a soul, but.
No, well, okay, physics saysthat we can't anyway, right?
Quantum physics, you can't,energy can't not exist.
It just changes form.
(39:06):
Yeah.
Deep sigh.
You know, it's funny when wewere Christian, people would say
like what if you're wrong?
You know?
And then the tagline was, well,I'm, I'm living a great life
though.
So I've just had this nice, youknow, we would say like clean,
like life.
And so they're like, yeah, Idon't mind that.
And then I was thinking abouthow yeah.
(39:27):
What if there's nothing on theother side?
I was like, well.
I'm the most free I've ever beenin my whole fucking life, right?
And so like, I don't mind,right?
Like, I'll, sure, I'll just usewhatever resonates with me to
like, whatever, like, my presentmoment is full of me centering
myself and loving myself really,really well and then like,
(39:47):
whenever anything challengingcomes up, I'm like, ooh, I'm
about to get free from that,right?
Something interesting happened Iwas, I was having some
experiences where at night I wasfeeling a little bit scared and
uneasy and I was like, this isnew, what the heck is this?
And then I was talking to a goodfriend of mine who, you know, is
kind of pretty intuitive as welland like has some of these you
(40:09):
know, insights and has done alot of inner healing work and,
and she was like, you know, thatsounds like Like, pre verbal,
like, trauma.
And then, you know, a lot of my,my home life when I was a child,
my family of origin, there was alot of, you know, dysfunction
and chaos and I happened to knowthat I was alone a lot as a, as
a very small, either baby andor, like, toddler.
(40:30):
And I was like, oh, and it wasso interesting because I felt,
as my friend was talking, I justfelt it like, like, quicken in
me.
And I was like, that is it.
And so that next day I went homeand I took a microdose of
mushrooms and I was like, I'mgoing to sit with the baby of
(40:50):
me, like this pre verbal, liketiny, tiny person that was alone
sometimes.
It didn't feel good to be alonein the, in the universe.
Right.
Yeah.
And it, it was so.
It was really interesting.
I mean, I've been doing thiskind of work for a long time
now.
And I like to say that I like, Itime travel in my own life now a
lot, right?
When anything comes up, that'slike, Ooh, that's a tender spot,
(41:14):
right?
Or fear can teach us so much andshow us so much.
And so, yeah, I just sat withit.
And My family got a kittenrecently and my God, this
fucking magical cat, likeusually it'll sleep like at my
head or at my feet, but it likecrawled under the covers into my
arms and I was like in this sortof meditative space and feeling
(41:35):
the comfort of this kitten andlike time traveling to like
being a baby and I'm likecoupling a kitten as a baby.
I wasn't alone in the wholeworld and I swear to God, like
that weird, eerie, scaredfeeling just resolved itself.
Isn't that amazing?
That's how free I'm getting,fuckers.
I'm not scared of the dark nomore.
(41:56):
But really, really old stuff cancome through so that it can be
healed, so I can be more free.
Isn't that neat?
I love it.
I know.
I love it.
So what's been should we go onto, we talked about what, what
we've been learning, what'sshifting around.
Yeah.
Yeah, what's bringing uspleasure?
Yeah, what's bringing you,what's been bringing you
pleasure?
Okay, oh I have such a good one.
(42:17):
This is so exciting.
Okay, for the longest time, Ihave wanted to ride a, like a
scooter thing.
Like a Vespa kind of scooter.
Yeah.
Right?
And then before the pandemic,they were starting to show up in
Oakland as like something youcould rent, right?
And then the pandemic happenedand we're all sheltering in
place and they just weren'taround anymore.
Okay.
But I've been doing the liftdriving recently, right?
(42:38):
That's also bringing mepleasure.
Oh my god, I love it.
really cool conversations withpeople and people love to tip me
and I'm just having a ball and Ionly do it when I want to.
It's fucking fun, right?
I feel like I'm an undercoverlike spirit guy because I'm
like, we just need to get allour trauma and people love to
like tell me so much real shitbecause I'm an anonymous person.
Yeah.
(42:58):
Right.
And I'm just high vibing overhere.
I'm fucking awesome.
You definitely want me to beyour Lyft driver.
Yes.
Okay.
So.
Anyway I was in San Franciscomore often because of driving
for Lyft, and I started to seethose same blue scooters, and
it's called Revel, R E V E L,and so you download an app, so I
(43:19):
downloaded an app, and it turnsout they have like a free
training class, right?
Because it felt a little scaryto like, just like get on a
machine, right?
And yeah.
So then my friend and I, we wentto the city the other day and
we're like driving a scooter andthen it was like, oh my God, it
was like the universe so fuckingloves me, right?
Because not only was the classfree, right?
But also they give you like a 65credit so that you can take the
(43:41):
class with them and then spend acouple hours toodling around so
you get good at it, right?
Yeah.
Amazing.
So.
I made a plan.
And so my friend and I are goingto go to San Francisco and like
drive around on scooters andhave like our own fun adventure.
Oh, so fun.
I feel so good.
super good and still a littlescary because I'm not all the
way used to it yet.
Yes.
To be like, yeah, likeautomotorized vehicle, like a,
(44:04):
it's amazing.
Yeah.
I'm so jealous right now becauseI too would love to be on a
little Vespa, but I don't knowmy safety anxiety is still a
little, and I, it mightactually.
be warranted.
Yeah.
Because I, I don't know, I guessI haven't have I admitted this
on the podcast, but I've nowlearned how to ride a bike.
(44:25):
Oh.
And Rafiq bought me like anadult tricycle, which everyone
in our little town loves.
We're like, cool, a bike has abasket.
Yeah.
But I tipped it over.
No way.
You tipped it over on atriangle?
Oh, Valerie.
That's a great confession.
How in the fuck did you do that?
I was going downhill on a turn.
(44:46):
And I guess I, I don't know if Ileaned the wrong way.
But I, and it's heavy.
This bike is heavy.
I tipped it over and fell onthree wheels.
So maybe I, maybe I shouldn'tbe.
But I really want to be, or ifhe tries to push me and I'm
like, no, no, I, if I'm scared,I'm going to make more mistakes,
but I, your day sounds amazing.
(45:09):
That sounds like a great day tospend.
I'm so glad you've felt thatfreedom.
Yeah.
I love it.
Oh man.
Oh boy.
Aw.
What's bringing you pleasure?
You know I was, I was tellingyou a little bit before that I'm
just noticing that I feel itfeels like I'm noticing the
seasons of my life and I thinkI've always been able to find
(45:34):
joy and but there's been somereal sadness and loss right
infertility.
That was kind of an interestingthing too in the passing of time
where getting into your late40s, it's like, yeah, it's not
going to happen or losing thatfunction of like, I've had
children are like, Oh, finally,like I don't need this period
(45:54):
anymore, right?
So just kind of the finality ofthat, which I think was fine.
I think I was healed enough oncethat came.
We also lost a lot of communityleaving the church.
Also being in San Francisco forso long and making such really
deep.
Friendships and community,people that felt like family and
then, and then they all scatteraround the country as a lot of
(46:16):
people do, right?
So not many are left here.
And so rebuilding that communityhere was difficult because of
all the travel and whatnot.
But I think I'm seeing that I dofeel like I have that, I'm sort
of rooted in that community nowand so when I leave, it's like,
oh, people will be here when Iget back and it just so nice.
(46:39):
It does.
If it feels very significant,yeah, it feels very significant
to realize that, oh, this Thisplace that I was in that I hated
that didn't feel healthy for me,that felt very sad yeah, it
feels over,, like I've gone to anew season.
Yeah.
So that feels really good and atthe same time, I went to see
(47:02):
some good friends that had movedto Texas, and just spending time
with them, and yeah, it youknow, an ongoing plot line of,
of, of our podcast is, is, isRafiq and my relationship and
just the role that his traveland his dreams play into all
this and how we navigate that.
(47:22):
And, and that's going well rightnow, but part of that was, okay,
you're going to be gone.
I'm going to go see thesefriends and just trying to see
how I can.
Reframe some of these things andtake advantage of like, Hey, I
probably wouldn't have made thistrip.
And I have friends all over thecountry to go and the time to go
and spend quality time withthem.
And that felt so good.
(47:43):
And both of them that I went tosee, they have kids and it was
nighttime.
They're putting one of them tobed.
And and you know, she was like,okay, good night.
I love you.
Blah, blah.
And I guess they usually spendmore time together.
And he was like, You want to gotalk to Val, don't you?
Aww, the little kid.
He's like, second grade, howdoes he know that?
And then the other friend waslike, Mom, you know, I'll go
(48:05):
with dad cause I know you wantto talk to Val and spend time
with her, so that's okay.
You and your healing resetenergy.
The little kids, the little kidsfelt it like, Oh, my mom has a
friend here and they want tohang out.
I know.
So that was really sweet.
So I was really, that, thatbrought me a lot of pleasure.
Yay.
(48:25):
Yay.
Until next time friend.
Oh, we love you.
We love, we love you too.
listeners, we love you.
I do sometimes reference myselfas a we now.
I'm getting so weird, Mel.
Oh, I love you, Mallory.
(48:46):
I love you.
You're listening to three questions with Katten, Val I'm
Kat and I'm bow.
We've been friends for over 20years.
Thousands of therapists and catsand artists.
We're both great talkers.
And we're both XFN delicacy whoused to pastor gay.
Now we both have chronicillnesses.
We think we're fuckinghilarious.
(00:39):
Oh, hi friend.
Hi friend.
Um, we did a
kat (00:44):
did a thing.
val (00:45):
We did a thing.
It was good.
We liked that thing.
kat (00:48):
Oh, we did a
val (00:48):
was a good thing.
kat (00:49):
And then we just got busy and we didn't like share it with
any of you guys.
So,
val (00:53):
Sorry not sorry, we're hibernating! Come on! Um, yeah,
kat (01:00):
But we recorded an episode ages ago and we still want to
release it so we're going to sohere you
val (01:05):
Cause time is, time is a construct,
kat (01:06):
It's all made up fuckers
val (01:08):
Go enjoy it!
kat (01:08):
Also, we love
val (01:09):
We love you!
kat (01:12):
Hello, hello, hello.
Hello, Val.
God.
We're here, we're doing it.
We're here, again.
Once a month, fuckers.
I was gonna say, just like yourperiod.
We're gonna talk about aging andperimenopause and all those
things, so.
(01:32):
Yeah.
Look at you, throwing it inright there.
Well, because we are this seasontwo, we're doing approximately
once a month on our episodes.
Yeah.
And this month, December, well,it's December, but it's
Sagittarius season, right?
Yes.
And so it's our birthday window.
Birthday window.
Because you're a November Sag.
(01:53):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Very late November.
Yeah.
Turkey, turkey baby.
Yeah.
Sometimes your birthday lands onThanksgiving.
It really does.
Yeah.
Was that annoying growing up?
Yes.
Oh yeah.
I could see that.
Probably it's more annoying now.
Really?
More annoying now?
Well, I think as a kid I justdidn't really.
Oh sure.
Or maybe I just don't rememberanymore.
Right.
But now yeah, so I had, you sawa beautiful bouquet of flowers I
(02:15):
got from friends.
Yeah.
was birthday observed, and so Ijust have to find little cracks
and spaces and, and.
Yeah, cause everyone's got shitgoing on.
Yeah, I think that's the hardestpart cause then.
Right after Thanksgiving iseveryone's holiday party.
So I thought one year I learnedmy lesson of the first week of
December.
Most people have their holidayparty.
So I thought I was being smart.
Okay.
I'll plan my party here.
(02:36):
And then, and then all the RSVPscome back though, that's still
as a highly.
sensitive person.
It still kills me.
It hurts your feelings.
It does.
Rafiq always wants me to reachout to people last minute and
it's just so ridiculous to belike no's are so hard to hear
even though it logically soactually I think I'm getting
better at that though, I'll haveto say.
(02:56):
bUt I do love celebrating andhonestly, it's just an excuse to
have quality time with thepeople I love.
I think so.
Yeah.
And we do love to throw a party.
You guys are the best at it.
It's you and your resort energy.
last episode we talked about youhaving your resort energy.
Healing resort energy.
Yeah.
Healing resort energy.
Yeah.
And you throw a great party.
So the parties that you throwthat I've been to are always
(03:17):
like really fun and the energyis so good and there's cool
people.
Yeah.
And yeah.
Oh, I was just telling samebirthday friends that About the
moment where Rafiq was doingthis whole big production to the
song Mambo No.
5, which is really, like, kindof a misogynistic song.
(03:38):
But one of your friends thatcame well, it was like, He was
coming over to sort of like thequeer, the queer corner, the
cool kids, the cool kids.
But like, and I in my head, itwas happening.
I was like, Oh man, but theyrolled with it.
We talked about this before,where you're like, well, it's
Rafiq's energy.
It just somehow it doesn't seemoffensive or like anybody else
(04:01):
who came up to them and was likelet's sing Mambo No.
Five, a little bit of Monica, alittle bit of and they would be
like, Go fuck yourself, sir.
And don't enjoy it, that was areally funny memory.
He's so authentically himself insuch an alive way that it's hard
not to be delighted.
It really is.
It's hard not to be delightedwhen he's just like, dancing in
(04:21):
front of you, like, yeah, shakethat ass, motherfucker.
Yeah, you and all my queerfriends are like, you go, it's
awesome.
Oh, there's a lot of, yeah, alot of great memories from, from
that moment.
Yeah.
How are you feeling about yourbirthday this year?
Well, I, I just, the other day Iwas like, Whoa, I'll be 46.
(04:44):
And I'm like, That's, that'slike, you know, upper 40s.
It's late 40s now.
And there's something about thatwhen you're like, you switch to
a different like, category orlike, you know, we check out
those boxes for whatever randomshit we're filling out and I'm
like, I'm in a new category.
Yeah.
But I'm okay with it, like it'sjust in my internal self
perception, I've kind of been inmy early 40s for a hot minute,
(05:06):
right?
And so now I gotta be like,yeah, it's late 40s, you know,
so, but it's all made up.
Yeah.
Right?
So, and the thing about aging isthat when I think about old
people, what I super love aboutthem is this ability to give
less and less fucks, right?
Yes.
And when I think about myself,you ever do a meditation where
you try to like interact withyour future self?
(05:28):
Isn't that like a normal thingthat we do?
I'm sorry.
No, I haven't.
It's, I mean, it's, it's on mylist, but no, I haven't, you,
you could have just stoppedwith, have you ever tried a
meditation and I'm like,
val (05:45):
like,
kat (05:45):
not, not that much, not really.
Okay.
Well, it's something really funbecause, you know, I am on my
like ever evolving healingjourney stuff.
Right.
And.
This like quest to be as free asI can be, right?
The specifics of me and my lifeand who I am in the world and,
you know, why ever.
I, like, showed up in this humanbody, human form, like, I want
(06:06):
to get as free as I can.
So it's not in comparison toanyone else, but sometimes, as a
practice, I'm, like, trying tocheck in with, like, this future
version of myself, like, Hey,what, what are we, what does it
look like to be free?
It's more free.
Like five, five years down theroad, like what does that look
like?
And so what, what, what has yourfuture self telling you?
(06:28):
Oh man, they're such a bad ass.
Yeah.
Oh God.
It's so interesting.
So, okay.
Last episode I talked about likethat big intense mushroom trip I
was on and like, that I wasdoing more channeling and I had
to like deal with an awful lotof my own resistances and
stories that I had about thatand like how othering it made me
feel and it was reallyuncomfortable.
(06:49):
And so, but as I
val (06:51):
as I
kat (06:51):
sit with it, I sit with myself and again, like sort of,
Anchoring into this like thisfuture version of me.
There's just no issue It's justlike something that probably a
lot of us can do but I thinkwhen we heal our stuff we heal
the trauma We sort of clear thechannel.
We like clear out all theprogramming that is really loud
in our culture.
Yeah Yeah, right.
(07:12):
Yeah, and so going all the wayback at my story to like the
body liberation journey.
So like the body liberationspace kind of kicked loose this
like radical acceptance ofeverything, right?
So not just my physical form,but like my ADHD, you know, my
my queerness, like so muchstuff.
And so I'm using thoseprinciples and those practices
(07:34):
to like lean back into my ownmysticism, right?
And it's a full circle thingbecause again, when we were
Pentecostals, we were likemystical as fuck, right?
And so But I did, because ofmessaging, because of
programming in our culture, haveto do an awful lot of, like
resistance work.
Like, I'm like, okay, I'm awarethat I feel, I don't know,
uncomfortable with this for alot of different reasons.
(07:56):
And so then I just offered thoseplaces in me that were
uncomfortable, like compassion,and I just decided, like, what
am I going to do?
Like, keep playing small, orjust, Accept that this is just
part of what I can do and itfeels good when I actually do
it, right?
So, so like again the agingthing and like tapping into like
this future version of myself,like there's just zero fucks,
(08:17):
right?
We just, we have less hang upsand that is fucking hot, right?
You see people out in the world,that's one of the reasons why.
Rafiq is so compelling, right?
Your husband, because he doesn'tgive fucks and it's cool as
shit, right?
Yeah, and then I just find thatwhen I center myself and I want
to align with whatever myhighest Timeline is my highest
(08:41):
expression of myself.
It's giving less and less fucks.
It's less and less programmingand giving less fucks.
And then just doing the shitthat I can do.
Like channeling higherdimensional beings.
That are giving us pep talks.
You know you're talking and youknow it's funny like this makes
me seem very so unselfaware, Iguess, but as you were talking,
(09:05):
I'm like, Oh, maybe that waspart of why I was attracted to
him in the beginning.
But I, but also he, he didn't,he didn't let on to all that in
the very beginning, right?
He was just kind of, I don'tthink I saw the full freedom,
right?
Because as you get, you know,more comfortable with people and
maybe, maybe he has become morefree too.
But I think maybe.
(09:25):
In
val (09:26):
I think that in that
kat (09:26):
opposites kind of, you know, seek each other out or
we're attracted to those thingsthat my very buttoned up unfree
self was like, oh, yeah.
You know, what's really funny isyou asked about, do you, do a
meditation where you, where youtalk to your future self, Rafika
and I have.
have a, we have a form of that,that a tradition that we do when
(09:48):
we're out on vacation will andit's kind of weird, but we'll so
it started off on a birthdaytrip to Brazil where Rafique
almost died on my birthday,saving a honeymooning couple who
had gotten into the undercurrentat the beach.
Oh my God.
And so, I fell asleep on thebeach because I had a head cold.
(10:10):
I'm one of the most beautifulbeaches in the world, actually.
It's on that list, right?
This little island.
And he comes back and then he'stelling me this story about how
he helped try, you know, helpedsave them and rescue them, blah,
blah, blah.
But on that trip, we were on aboat.
And there was this oldergentleman and he, because, you
know, Rafiq wears a Speedobecause he's from Brazil.
(10:30):
Right.
And when we first got together,I was like, you can't wear that
around the Americans.
He's like, why?
And it's so funny to watchpeople get embarrassed about the
male form when the female bodyis always on display.
Right.
Yeah.
But if there is a a male form.
All my friends were soembarrassed, like, Rafiq, put
that away, Rafiq, what are youdoing?
Even when he takes off hisshirt, like, we had friends call
(10:52):
up, like, Okay, I picked up Valand Rafiq, we're on our way, but
just so you know, Rafiq doesn'thave a shirt on.
I'm like, why is thatnewsworthy?
Anyway, there was an older man,picture, he had, like, silver,
white hair.
He was incredibly tanned andkind of leathery.
Had a bit of a little belly thatwas hanging over his bright
turquoise Speedo.
Like, bikini Speedo.
(11:14):
Wow.
like showering himself off afterlike going on a boat ride.
And so that started out the,that's what I want you to look
like when you're older.
So when we're out, he'll belike, we'll see older people
out, like living their life,like vacationing, whatever.
And he'll say, Hey, okay, I wantyou to look like that grandma
(11:34):
when you're older.
It's such a weird practice, butin a sense, we are like thinking
into the future of like how wewant to age, how we want to.
And they're always like womenwith long, like silvery white
hair with like long flowydresses who do feel free and are
just like live in their life.
(11:55):
And so it's hilarious that weare doing that form of
meditation.
I love it.
So it looks like you guys arealready like planning to age,
right?
Like, and you're not avoidingit.
Like, he's not pointing outpeople that haven't aged, right?
Like, that's beautiful.
I love it.
It is beautiful.
I do love that it's not alsolike sort of that unattainable
(12:16):
Oh yeah.
Right.
Standard of well, he always talkabout Cher's.
Plastic surgeon is really great.
like, share does not look easy.
Share's 80.
Yeah.
That's intense.
Yeah.
But yeah, we are thinking abouthow we do want to.
Kind of continue.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that we're allowed, likewe're allowed to have like our
skin is drooping or like ourface changes, we have more
lines, you know?
I like that specifically.
(12:37):
Like all that silver billowinghair, you know, I love it.
Yeah.
It is the both end, isn't it?
Yeah.
And and it's great that justbecause we are kind of
rejecting.
society's beauty standards thatwe can do certain things that we
want to do, right?
But we're doing them because wewant to, because it makes us
feel good.
(12:57):
Not because we have to, to beacceptable.
Because everything ispermissible.
There's no wrong way to age,really.
Like, you're going to age.
You just keep staying alive.
We age, right?
And so people who You know, feelthe need or the desire to like,
do this or that thing to tweaktheir face or their body.
You know, it's not, it's notexactly wrong or anything, but
you know, I just saw thisSubstack post from Elizabeth
(13:20):
Gilbert.
I follow her on Substack, whichis like a new writing platform
and she's doing a video andshe's doing this thing where
she's like, channeling love andwriting letters to herself from
love as if love was like aconscious entity, right?
And so she did this reallyvulnerable post about how she
just wants to be done gettingBotox and getting lip fillers.
Like she just, just like I'mdone.
(13:41):
And she, usually she has like acropped haircut and now she
she's like cut it really short.
And shaved it.
And I just, I found it sobeautiful.
I just, I just was like, yay,because it feels more free in
whatever your individual versionof freedom is.
Like, again, if some of thisbeauty stuff is, you know, your
version of freedom, that's fine.
But like, for me personally, Ido resonate more with how nice
(14:04):
it feels.
Like I stopped wearing makeupsome time ago.
Yeah.
And I'm like, Oh, it feelsreally good.
Like specifically I used toreally I don't know like how I
looked with like eyeliner andmascara and stuff it like makes
your eyes pop But then I just itdidn't feel that good like
physically the the sensation ofit because you know again
neurodiversity I have some likesensory issues and I started to
(14:26):
notice that the people I wasalways drawn to were like You
know, like femme people or maskof center people in a femme,
like AFAB person, but theydidn't have any eye makeup on,
right?
I just loved it.
I just loved like no makeup onfemme faces, And so.
I just stopped doing it and itfeels really good to not think
about it anymore, right?
(14:47):
Like I'm getting ready to go outand do a fun thing.
I don't have to take the addedtime of like, well, and I'm
going to put, you know, make itfun.
And I just like how I look like,I'm like, Oh, it's hi, it's you.
Like when I see myself in themirror or something like that,
so, and then, you know, my faceis changing.
Like, you know, there's more,you know, crow's feet stuff and
But I just, I'm like, it feelsgood, it feels like, again, I'm
(15:09):
sort of discovering the mostauthentic me and so I was really
excited when I saw that postfrom Elizabeth Gilbert.
For those of you who don't know,Elizabeth Gilbert is the person
who wrote Eat, Pray, Love, andshe's written a ton of stuff,
but I've been a fan of her for along time now.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I think now we're in theage of people talking more real
about their lives, right?
(15:29):
Yeah.
And having having platforms thatare outside of like the studio
or their, their agent or theirPR.
Right.
So they can, they can postpictures of themselves without
makeup or there's no onecontrolling their image.
Right.
Cause maybe the people in thepublic eye in the past, right.
There was a lot more pressure tolook a certain way or present
(15:54):
yourself.
Yeah, you can really feel thatthat is shifting, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's still, maybe not so muchtransparency, there's, there is
a lot, but I think that we allforget that when we see a
picture of someone, most likelyit's airbrushed.
Most likely.
Sure.
You know, or, or the people thatdon't seem to age at all, they,
(16:14):
they are doing so many of thesetreatments, right?
Right.
On a daily basis.
And I think we forget that andsome people are being
transparent and some are not.
And maybe that's none of ourbusiness.
Right.
But you know, when you weretalking about makeup, I was
thinking about my ownrelationship with makeup and I,
I do love to wear eye makeup aswell.
And of course I, I go out inpublic without it, but I, I
(16:34):
really enjoy it.
Yeah.
But I was thinking back tocollege.
Yeah.
And if you're just tuning in,we, we met in college and been
friends since we went in biblecollege, And I don't think I
would go out of the dorm Yeah.
Without makeup.
Right, right.
And actually I think I gotbullied the first time I
actually did bullied in Bible.
(16:57):
So gross.
I remember I was like, no, I'mjust going to go to breakfast,
right?
Because we live in the dorms.
And I'm like, Nope, I'm going totry it without it.
Oh, wow.
I've never thought about this ina long time.
And a friend of mine who was,who's male was just like, and he
knew my dad, I think too.
(17:17):
And he was like, he saidsomething about me looking more
like my dad at that point.
I know it was like, Oh great.
Like I tried to like go out inpublic and then, when something
like that Happens to you itreinforces right?
But yeah, I actually didn'tremember that in college.
I wouldn't go out without makeupI think the key is always going
to be authenticity when it comesto like however we want to
(17:40):
participate with beautification.
Right?
Because what you're telling inthat story is that there is an
expectation and you didn't havethe freedom of I choose it when
I want to.
Yeah.
It was I will be ridiculed insome way.
or attention will be brought tome in some way that I'm not
interested in if I do not dothis act of like putting on this
makeup.
I just recently watched adocumentary about Dolly Parton
(18:01):
and I've never been like a deepdive, like I know her music
really well, but of course I'vebeen like aware of her for ages
and you just can't help but loveher, right?
She's truly authentic and I lovethat she, in this documentary,
she was just so Like, quick tosay that, like, I know I look
plastic, but I love it.
And, and then, I, like, thisfriend of mine was, like, you
(18:22):
know, like, the most authenticperson in, like, this very sort
of, like, you know, plastic y.
And it works because she justauthentically just loves it,
right?
She's not doing it for anyoneelse.
internally decided this is whatshe wants and she's having fun
with it.
She's in on the joke of it too.
You know what I mean?
(18:42):
Sure.
I love that and also when wenavigate our lives forward again
in aging or however we want tolike progress our life.
To, to always know, like, ourchoices are from an internal
place.
That's where freedom comes.
So the freedom to chooseanything you want, right?
Yeah.
Literally anything.
Mm hmm.
But as long as it's the internalchoice versus what we can all
(19:04):
relate to is that sensation of,like, I will be rejected in some
way if I do not conform andperform this A, B, or C.
Yeah.
And it all goes back to like, amI lovable?
Yeah.
Will I be accepted and loved?
Yeah.
But our authenticity is the keyto it.
I, I'm a hundred percentagreeing with you because you're
(19:24):
right.
Like I'm imagining two peopledoing that exact same thing.
Totally.
One doing it out of fear orshame or just even not really.
Of their will.
And you can see it, right?
You can see it on them.
You can.
And their energy.
And that's what's so beautifulabout like Dolly Parton is her
energy is like pure.
It is like alive and shiny andvibrant.
(19:45):
Yes.
And like playful.
I don't know.
She's great.
I love her.
We've talked about that so much,right?
About being embodied and howyour energy how that changes the
energy and how people feel thatand want to be around you.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I, I gotta say it'sthe both and still because I am
noticing my face is changing.
And that marks the passage oftime, right?
(20:06):
And You feel like mortality isin it for you?
I, I don't think so.
Or not yet.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Yeah.
But I think.
Besides, like, weight changes, Ihaven't had that many change,
right?
Like, how many other changes dowe have besides weight?
(20:27):
Like, at a certain point, westop growing our heights.
Yes.
Right?
Maybe not a lot of other thingschange.
Yeah.
And so I think those things feelbig.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Yeah.
So we were talking about, youknow, our birthdays and like, I
know that you've got, you know,your birthdays what, what
birthdays is for you??
(20:47):
Let me think.
48.
Because I have my, because Ihave my pickleball age.
I told you, I think I talkedabout that before.
Well, tell me about thepickleball.
Well, it's funny.
Your pickleball age is what youwill be.
By December 31st of that year.
So on January 1st, if yourbirthday is on December 31st.
Yeah, January 1st of that yearYou're already that age.
(21:07):
Oh, I'm still under 50, whichokay I think I have talked about
this, but I'm so excitedpickleball the gift that keeps
on giving people That I havesomething to look forward to, to
turning 50 and I don't feel liketerrible about turning 50 and I
think again, the privilege of,of living and owning yourself
and just feeling more confident,but.
(21:29):
A lot of tournaments are agebased and it's usually under 50
or 50 and over.
And so everyone's like, Oh, ifwe play with you, we got to play
down with the young kids.
So we've lost a couple of goldsand had to settle for silver for
some like people that werealmost 30 years younger than we
were, you know what I mean?
And that's just.
Yeah.
I say, Oh, you still haveelastic in your muscles.
(21:52):
You can bend, you can twist, youcan it, it is a factor.
Yeah.
So I think everyone will be soexcited and I'm in our little or
group, I'm one of the youngest.
So that is so.
I have been pickleball 48 sinceJanuary 1st, but I haven't
turned 48 yet.
So four weeks after I turned 49,I will be pickleball 50.
(22:14):
Okay.
Yeah.
And then you're going to be theyoung snapper, like snatching up
all those golds.
That's awesome.
Okay.
Tell us the update about thedocumentary you are in.
Yes.
It was fully funded.
The Kickstarter was successful,so they're continuing on to make
that like a reality.
(22:34):
So thank you to everybody and Ihope you see the link in the
show notes for the trailer andYeah, I watched the trailer.
Did you?
It's fun to see you in it.
Yeah.
I see you twice.
Yeah.
One time speaking, one time not.
Yeah.
And that's so cool.
Yeah.
So that's exciting.
Yeah.
And then don't you have a tripcoming up?
Oh yeah, we're going to theamateur nationals in Florida in
(22:57):
a couple weeks.
So, putting it to the test.
I know, I know.
Oh, I have a great last night weWe played until we couldn't play
anymore because of the sun goingdown and I felt like it was so
invigorating like I feel like alittle kid.
We're refusing to give up likewe couldn't see the ball
anymore.
Like hey, we got to call it, ohI'm telling you like whatever it
(23:20):
is folks find the thing thatConnects you to your playfulness
and to your childhood, to youryounger self.
And that is what will keep youyoung.
Oh, I was just going to say theexact same thing.
Yeah.
When we talk about aging andagain, like when we deprogram
ourselves, right.
From like the stuff, the noisein our culture that keeps us.
Kind of, like, suppressed and,and oppressed in a lot of ways.
(23:41):
We break out of that, we, we getto move into our, our older
years more free, More authentic,and then re finding,
rediscovering play.
Yeah.
Some people age the other way,they get contracted, but we get
to choose.
You get to choose.
Yeah.
Do you want to age and getexpansive or retracted, right?
(24:03):
And that's just about like howloud of a voice we give fear in
our whole, in every part of ourlife.
Like fear contracts and likelove and acceptance expands.
Yeah.
Okay, wait.
I want to tell you a cool agingstory.
Yeah.
There's a movie on Netflixcalled Nyad and it's got Annette
Bening and who's the otherperson?
(24:25):
Jodie Foster.
Yeah.
And they're playing.
A real life story of these twowomen in their 60s and it is
epic and amazing and I'm notgoing to give any spoilers but I
just loved it.
The acting was so good.
Talk about like a feel goodthing.
Talk about like, like you'realigning with your destiny and
like you're not too old to liketake on some big massive dream.
(24:48):
Right?
Oh, that's so good.
Did you watch it?
I didn't, but I remember itbeing in the news.
Yeah.
I'll say that.
I remember it being in the news.
Me too.
Oh, it's so good.
Yeah.
I also think about maybesomewhere in one of the Nordic
countries, they, they pairedpeople who are living in aging
homes with preschools.
Oh, yeah.
I read about that.
(25:08):
Yeah, putting that together.
And I think part of it is aboutbeing useful, but I think
another part is aboutyouthfulness.
And when, again, we get todiscover life through the eyes
of a child, a child doesn't haveso much programming and honestly
usually has a lot less fear.
And that can kind of like, Idon't know, wake us up again to
write how, how free we canchoose to be.
(25:32):
Speaking of pickleball again thenational competition was, was
this past week and theyinterviewed a 93 year old woman
who was playing and her, I guessher husband played with like the
founders down.
I guess it was founded in thestate of Washington and they
lived down the street and theyplayed with the founders and.
played competitions against him,but at 93 being still able to
(25:53):
compete in the tournament,that's so beautiful.
I feel like that is more mygoals now than any sort of
right.
Any sort of.
Weight metric, or beauty metric,or financial metric.
It's how, how well could I agein what my body can do.
Cause, right, you know, I have achronic illness.
(26:14):
I, I kind of joke that I've feltlike I had a grandma body since
I was 20.
And so that's, I still have tomanage that.
And it's, it's fear like creepsin like, Ooh, how will my older
years be if.
I felt this way as a 20 yearold, right?
But I love to that.
(26:35):
I've seen more articles about OhThe focus is more about what
your body can do.
Like, can you pick up heavygroceries?
Can you walk a flight of stairs?
Can you squat?
Like, I'm reading more about ifyou can do a deep squat, that is
the biggest indicator of health.
That's amazing.
And not everyone can do it.
And I don't even know if I coulddo it right now.
It's my knee hurts.
(26:55):
But thinking about, oh, here'ssome exercises not to give you
like, you know, a Brazilianbooty lift, right?
Like not, not to do that.
That's to give you a biggerbutt.
But to make sure that you'regoing into your, your, you know,
golden years functional, right?
Yeah.
Mm.
That's so beautiful.
(27:16):
Yeah.
I can do a deep squat.
At the gym, I don't go thatoften, but when I can get myself
to the gym, my favorite machineto use is it's like a reclined
squat machine.
Yeah.
The press, the leg press thing.
Yeah, yeah.
God, I love that.
And I.
Yeah.
I make the settings so that Ipush into the deepest squat
possible.
Man, does that feel good.
I love that feeling.
(27:36):
It feels good to be in my body.
Yes.
I'm just noticing we haven'treally referenced our questions.
So like for anyone who's morenew to the podcast, so our three
questions is, what are youlearning?
And then what's moving aroundfor you?
Or how are you evolving?
And then finally, what'sbringing you pleasure?
Yeah.
So in this conversation, we'vedanced around.
Yeah.
Anything you specificallylearned about aging and maybe
(27:58):
aging as like a femme personwith a female body?
Yes.
Like menopause stuff?
Yes.
Yes.
I have been learning aboutperimenopause.
Hmm.
Right.
And.
Because that's the age groupwe're in.
That's our experience.
It is.
I don't know how it was talkedabout, in your sphere, but it
was just something kind of to befeared like, Oh gosh, the hot
flashes are going to beterrible, you know you're going
(28:21):
to be grouchy and moody andalways hot and can't sleep.
Like those are the things that Ithink were kind of the, yeah,
the symptoms that were talkedabout the most.
But my dear friend cat, it goesso much deeper than that.
And the discussion is gettingout there.
Like which again, right, isgreat.
(28:41):
And we know that we live in apatriarchal society and we've
known that there hasn't been asmuch money spent on.
researching and helping women gothrough perimenopause, right?
So, you know, Oprah's talkingabout it.
Some other celebrities areputting their money behind apps
and all these things and peopleare talking about it.
And so I think that is going tohave a great impact.
(29:03):
I just read that.
Millennials and Gen Z's will bethe first ones that will know
about perimenopause Yeah, beforethey experience it.
So they'll be looking out forit.
So it won't be like thisisolated solo alone kind of
lonely Sense of is sensationsand experiences you're having
you're like what's happening me.
You don't know what's going onLike those before us.
(29:25):
Yeah.
Well and I would say I I, I knewthe word perimenopause, but it
was just like, Oh, that's theperiod of time.
Right.
It could be starting in your midthirties, And there's some
interesting symptoms that evenyou and I have talked about
that.
Oh, cause I, I did notunderstand the symptoms I was
having were probablyperimenopause.
(29:46):
But remember on this verypodcast, you and I were talking
about anxiety and we asked eachother, did you feel anxious as a
kid or in college now?
And it was like, I don't know,did we just not really know that
we're people not using the termanxiety as much, or is it
because we're older and we havemore things to be anxious about?
Is it the world?
What is it?
(30:07):
And a drop in progesterone cancause anxiety and about the time
where I started to feel reallyanxious was probably my mid to
late thirties.
Right at that time.
And even just as a mental healthpractitioner, right, right.
Like not knowing that or not,and, and maybe treatment is the
same, but I think.
(30:28):
Understanding.
Oh, this is a part of it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And now, I guess when HRTHormone Replacement Therapy
first came out.
There were some studies thatkind of made it seem scary.
And then they saw a lot of womenwere not going on it.
And there was all this fear.
And I from what I understandnow, from what I'm learning,
which it's such a wild time tobe a live cat and get all of our
(30:50):
information from like a dancingdoctor, right?
But they're talking about howfor most people it is going to
be.
The, the treatment forperimenopause and menopause now
and in the future where somepeople in the future might not
even have to go through any ofthese symptoms.
Why suffer?
Right.
You know, it's interesting tooagain on TikTok a lot, we're
(31:10):
seeing the mainstream medicinebe more open to indigenous
medicines.
And so I was seeing a TikTok notthat long ago where someone was
talking about like a kind ofyam, and how it has Some kind of
hormone that helps balance outfor menopause.
Yeah, progesterone.
Am I saying that right?
(31:30):
Progesterone?
Progesterone is the hormone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It helps balance outprogesterone.
Yeah, and it's in yams orsomething.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I was like, so, youknow, you could have like
something prescribed to you oralso like there's some natural
ways to like People have alreadybeen knowing how to deal with
this.
Yes.
They more naturopathic remedies,right?
Yeah, yeah.
But it exists in nature as well.
Yes.
(31:51):
Right.
And so like the idea that wewould like use something to like
help us.
navigate what our body is goingthrough.
Like we have like, like foodsor, or movement or even
meditations like to be presentwith, oh hey this is what's
happening.
And so I'm going to gravitatetowards whatever like tool or
(32:13):
assistance will allow me to likeage gracefully.
Like my body's gonna change.
I'm experiencing perimenopause.
And we're moving into menopauselike, Ooh, what's available for
me to be like loving and kindand gentle with myself to be
like, Hey, this is going to helpso that, it's not rough.
It's not kicking my ass.
Yes, yes.
I think also in the medicalcommunity, it's been documented
(32:36):
that doctors don't believewomen.
When they talk about their pain,they think they're overdoing it.
Also, people of color, theydon't believe as much either
about their pain.
So, yeah, like some inherentthing that women should suffer
and we don't.
Yeah.
Right.
It goes all the way with thebook in the Bible.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Suffering and childbirth and allthat stuff.
Man, living in a patriarchalsociety, yeah, yeah.
(32:59):
So you need to get some moremoney.
We had our money episode lasttime and, and, and help, you
know, further these studies andsee that, you know, women's
health beyond their, like whatthey can reproduce for society.
is, is important.
And I'm going to yes, and you,because yeah, I, if I took a
running list of all the thingsthat they say help, which I'm
(33:20):
sure they do, I think also itcan be overwhelming too, right.
It's just kind of the trial anderror of what works for you what
do you have space for yeah andagain here's the thing like i
think when we are aligned in away we can maybe get information
there's like a whole list andit's overwhelming but i really
just will let myself look at alist like that and just see and
(33:41):
scan if anything is shiny.
What feels shiny to me?
Right?
Is it carrots or is it a yam?
I think it's interesting.
These are both root vegetables.
And like I've been reading a lotabout earthing, you know, are
you familiar?
Yeah.
And so I don't know exactly howit works, but except there's a
lot of like, we're electricityin our body, right?
And then the Earth haselectricity and it like balances
out the neurons or something,the free radicals, I don't
(34:04):
really remember.
It's like an electric, yeah,like an electric current.
Grounding, grounding.
Yeah, like our physical humanbody.
Because most of the soles of ourshoes are rubber, and then we
never touch the earth with ourbare skin.
Like, we're we're sort of,within our physical form,
there's like, there's a releasethat we need that is so easy.
It's just, you know, ourancestors all walked on the
earth, and we're just, oursociety doesn't do that.
(34:26):
So, I'm doing this practicewhere I'm just trying to like,
put my bare feet out in theworld a little bit more.
And then I'm like, Whee! This ishelping me! Well, and they say
that about the sand as well, andso another reason why everyone
feels better at the beach,right?
There is a big movement.
I'll say with circadian rhythmsgetting your sunshine in the
morning and and and having yourfeet touch the earth Right, and
(34:49):
I'm sure that there is truth toit I'm not I wish I would have
known that before I putartificial turf on the one patch
of grass we have Thanks a lotBut yeah, I also read about
like, that trees emit thatfrequency as well.
And so like, like tree hugging,yeah, it didn't come from just a
(35:10):
name to call hippies were like,hugging them to save them.
But I think there is a practiceof actually hugging trees to
feel calm.
Yeah.
Fucking tree hugger.
Also, like, in my early researchinto ADHD, like, there's a lot
of talking about, like forcedbathing.
It just means going into aforest.
(35:31):
We just need to be aroundfucking trees, people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's good.
It's good for us to just go backto fucking nature and not live
in this.
Like yeah, I, I, I swearoverhead lighting is like gives
me headaches.
I'm so glad I'm not in an officewith, you know, fluorescent
lighting.
Yeah.
Staring into the sun, I tell youthat I still I'm like, if I had
(35:52):
to worship something, I stillI'm going to worship the sun
because it makes me feel sofucking good.
It does.
Thank you.
Vitamin D.
Oh, man.
Oh.
What?
SOrry, you reminded me.
I had to make sure this gets onthe podcast.
If you remember, we have a anepisode called Sad Bitches Get
Vitamin D.
Because one time you came andyou were sad and you're like, I
(36:13):
think I'm going to go and sitoutside.
I'm like, perfect.
And I went in my little medicinecabinet and like shoved some
gummies in your face withouttelling you what they were.
And I think either yourimpulsivity of ADHD or just your
trust to me, you just took themwithout asking what they were.
Yeah, yeah.
It's very on brand for me.
Well, you are like Rafiq so muchin that way.
(36:35):
And I'm just like, why don't youthink before you act, instead of
act, and then I really gave itto me.
I know I have a reallyembarrassing story about how he
did that.
And that was like.
A really, it turned out reallybadly for him, but maybe, maybe
that's for today.
Maybe that's for another, it's alittle bit intimate, but this is
a really funny story.
But anyway, another funny storyis that, yeah, you just took
(36:56):
them and you're like, wait, I'mlike sad bitches get vitamin D.
And then that we talked aboutdepression, right?
Yeah.
So, I have a friend who's alistener of the podcast.
We love him.
And he was telling me like, Ohyeah, sorry.
I haven't been calling like thetime changes got me feeling sad.
And he's like, but I startedtaking my vitamins.
I didn't know if that was codefor.
(37:18):
marijuana or real vitamins andI'm like wait are you taking
he's like yeah I'm taking myvitamin D just like you told me
I got the brand new gut and Iwas like oh I wanted I wanted to
say sad bitches get vitamin Dbut you know he's real so I said
I said sad boys and then when Ithought of sad boys then it
(37:41):
became bad boys so I startedsinging sad boys sad boys what
you gonna do Sad boys sad boys.
Oh my god, what you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
Take a gummy or two?
sad boys sad boys We could takeit on the road.
Oh my god that that brought morejoy than maybe it's such a
(38:05):
faithful listener I know we loveyou after an episode.
I know thank you for being ourlisteners everybody.
We did So we just set up a BuyUs a Cup of Coffee and we got
some feedback already and peopleare donating to help offset the
cost of our amazing podcast thatyou all love and adore so much.
We love doing it.
It's so fun.
(38:25):
It feels like a great outlet forus, but also like if you get any
value from this, like you'll seeit in the show notes, like
please go buy us a cup ofcoffee, help contribute to the
overhead costs.
Yes.
Yay.
What a fun conversation,Valerie.
Of a topic that is not always sofun.
I know, kind of taboo, right?
(38:46):
Again, people are afraid to die.
I'm not afraid to die anymore.
I'm like, ooh, I'm gonna findout what's on the other side,
motherfuckers.
What if it's nothing?
Would that be funny?
But then you would just, I mean,I don't really think you'll
cease to exist as a soul, but.
No, well, okay, physics saysthat we can't anyway, right?
Quantum physics, you can't,energy can't not exist.
It just changes form.
(39:06):
Yeah.
Deep sigh.
You know, it's funny when wewere Christian, people would say
like what if you're wrong?
You know?
And then the tagline was, well,I'm, I'm living a great life
though.
So I've just had this nice, youknow, we would say like clean,
like life.
And so they're like, yeah, Idon't mind that.
And then I was thinking abouthow yeah.
(39:27):
What if there's nothing on theother side?
I was like, well.
I'm the most free I've ever beenin my whole fucking life, right?
And so like, I don't mind,right?
Like, I'll, sure, I'll just usewhatever resonates with me to
like, whatever, like, my presentmoment is full of me centering
myself and loving myself really,really well and then like,
(39:47):
whenever anything challengingcomes up, I'm like, ooh, I'm
about to get free from that,right?
Something interesting happened Iwas, I was having some
experiences where at night I wasfeeling a little bit scared and
uneasy and I was like, this isnew, what the heck is this?
And then I was talking to a goodfriend of mine who, you know, is
kind of pretty intuitive as welland like has some of these you
(40:09):
know, insights and has done alot of inner healing work and,
and she was like, you know, thatsounds like Like, pre verbal,
like, trauma.
And then, you know, a lot of my,my home life when I was a child,
my family of origin, there was alot of, you know, dysfunction
and chaos and I happened to knowthat I was alone a lot as a, as
a very small, either baby andor, like, toddler.
(40:30):
And I was like, oh, and it wasso interesting because I felt,
as my friend was talking, I justfelt it like, like, quicken in
me.
And I was like, that is it.
And so that next day I went homeand I took a microdose of
mushrooms and I was like, I'mgoing to sit with the baby of
(40:50):
me, like this pre verbal, liketiny, tiny person that was alone
sometimes.
It didn't feel good to be alonein the, in the universe.
Right.
Yeah.
And it, it was so.
It was really interesting.
I mean, I've been doing thiskind of work for a long time
now.
And I like to say that I like, Itime travel in my own life now a
lot, right?
When anything comes up, that'slike, Ooh, that's a tender spot,
(41:14):
right?
Or fear can teach us so much andshow us so much.
And so, yeah, I just sat withit.
And My family got a kittenrecently and my God, this
fucking magical cat, likeusually it'll sleep like at my
head or at my feet, but it likecrawled under the covers into my
arms and I was like in this sortof meditative space and feeling
(41:35):
the comfort of this kitten andlike time traveling to like
being a baby and I'm likecoupling a kitten as a baby.
I wasn't alone in the wholeworld and I swear to God, like
that weird, eerie, scaredfeeling just resolved itself.
Isn't that amazing?
That's how free I'm getting,fuckers.
I'm not scared of the dark nomore.
(41:56):
But really, really old stuff cancome through so that it can be
healed, so I can be more free.
Isn't that neat?
I love it.
I know.
I love it.
So what's been should we go onto, we talked about what, what
we've been learning, what'sshifting around.
Yeah.
Yeah, what's bringing uspleasure?
Yeah, what's bringing you,what's been bringing you
pleasure?
Okay, oh I have such a good one.
(42:17):
This is so exciting.
Okay, for the longest time, Ihave wanted to ride a, like a
scooter thing.
Like a Vespa kind of scooter.
Yeah.
Right?
And then before the pandemic,they were starting to show up in
Oakland as like something youcould rent, right?
And then the pandemic happenedand we're all sheltering in
place and they just weren'taround anymore.
Okay.
But I've been doing the liftdriving recently, right?
(42:38):
That's also bringing mepleasure.
Oh my god, I love it.
really cool conversations withpeople and people love to tip me
and I'm just having a ball and Ionly do it when I want to.
It's fucking fun, right?
I feel like I'm an undercoverlike spirit guy because I'm
like, we just need to get allour trauma and people love to
like tell me so much real shitbecause I'm an anonymous person.
Yeah.
(42:58):
Right.
And I'm just high vibing overhere.
I'm fucking awesome.
You definitely want me to beyour Lyft driver.
Yes.
Okay.
So.
Anyway I was in San Franciscomore often because of driving
for Lyft, and I started to seethose same blue scooters, and
it's called Revel, R E V E L,and so you download an app, so I
(43:19):
downloaded an app, and it turnsout they have like a free
training class, right?
Because it felt a little scaryto like, just like get on a
machine, right?
And yeah.
So then my friend and I, we wentto the city the other day and
we're like driving a scooter andthen it was like, oh my God, it
was like the universe so fuckingloves me, right?
Because not only was the classfree, right?
But also they give you like a 65credit so that you can take the
(43:41):
class with them and then spend acouple hours toodling around so
you get good at it, right?
Yeah.
Amazing.
So.
I made a plan.
And so my friend and I are goingto go to San Francisco and like
drive around on scooters andhave like our own fun adventure.
Oh, so fun.
I feel so good.
super good and still a littlescary because I'm not all the
way used to it yet.
Yes.
To be like, yeah, likeautomotorized vehicle, like a,
(44:04):
it's amazing.
Yeah.
I'm so jealous right now becauseI too would love to be on a
little Vespa, but I don't knowmy safety anxiety is still a
little, and I, it mightactually.
be warranted.
Yeah.
Because I, I don't know, I guessI haven't have I admitted this
on the podcast, but I've nowlearned how to ride a bike.
(44:25):
Oh.
And Rafiq bought me like anadult tricycle, which everyone
in our little town loves.
We're like, cool, a bike has abasket.
Yeah.
But I tipped it over.
No way.
You tipped it over on atriangle?
Oh, Valerie.
That's a great confession.
How in the fuck did you do that?
I was going downhill on a turn.
(44:46):
And I guess I, I don't know if Ileaned the wrong way.
But I, and it's heavy.
This bike is heavy.
I tipped it over and fell onthree wheels.
So maybe I, maybe I shouldn'tbe.
But I really want to be, or ifhe tries to push me and I'm
like, no, no, I, if I'm scared,I'm going to make more mistakes,
but I, your day sounds amazing.
(45:09):
That sounds like a great day tospend.
I'm so glad you've felt thatfreedom.
Yeah.
I love it.
Oh man.
Oh boy.
Aw.
What's bringing you pleasure?
You know I was, I was tellingyou a little bit before that I'm
just noticing that I feel itfeels like I'm noticing the
seasons of my life and I thinkI've always been able to find
(45:34):
joy and but there's been somereal sadness and loss right
infertility.
That was kind of an interestingthing too in the passing of time
where getting into your late40s, it's like, yeah, it's not
going to happen or losing thatfunction of like, I've had
children are like, Oh, finally,like I don't need this period
(45:54):
anymore, right?
So just kind of the finality ofthat, which I think was fine.
I think I was healed enough oncethat came.
We also lost a lot of communityleaving the church.
Also being in San Francisco forso long and making such really
deep.
Friendships and community,people that felt like family and
then, and then they all scatteraround the country as a lot of
(46:16):
people do, right?
So not many are left here.
And so rebuilding that communityhere was difficult because of
all the travel and whatnot.
But I think I'm seeing that I dofeel like I have that, I'm sort
of rooted in that community nowand so when I leave, it's like,
oh, people will be here when Iget back and it just so nice.
(46:39):
It does.
If it feels very significant,yeah, it feels very significant
to realize that, oh, this Thisplace that I was in that I hated
that didn't feel healthy for me,that felt very sad yeah, it
feels over,, like I've gone to anew season.
Yeah.
So that feels really good and atthe same time, I went to see
(47:02):
some good friends that had movedto Texas, and just spending time
with them, and yeah, it youknow, an ongoing plot line of,
of, of our podcast is, is, isRafiq and my relationship and
just the role that his traveland his dreams play into all
this and how we navigate that.
(47:22):
And, and that's going well rightnow, but part of that was, okay,
you're going to be gone.
I'm going to go see thesefriends and just trying to see
how I can.
Reframe some of these things andtake advantage of like, Hey, I
probably wouldn't have made thistrip.
And I have friends all over thecountry to go and the time to go
and spend quality time withthem.
And that felt so good.
(47:43):
And both of them that I went tosee, they have kids and it was
nighttime.
They're putting one of them tobed.
And and you know, she was like,okay, good night.
I love you.
Blah, blah.
And I guess they usually spendmore time together.
And he was like, You want to gotalk to Val, don't you?
Aww, the little kid.
He's like, second grade, howdoes he know that?
And then the other friend waslike, Mom, you know, I'll go
(48:05):
with dad cause I know you wantto talk to Val and spend time
with her, so that's okay.
You and your healing resetenergy.
The little kids, the little kidsfelt it like, Oh, my mom has a
friend here and they want tohang out.
I know.
So that was really sweet.
So I was really, that, thatbrought me a lot of pleasure.
Yay.
(48:25):
Yay.
Until next time friend.
Oh, we love you.
We love, we love you too.
listeners, we love you.
I do sometimes reference myselfas a we now.
I'm getting so weird, Mel.
Oh, I love you, Mallory.
(48:46):
I love you.
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