April 18, 2024 • 52 mins
In this episode we answer questions sent in through social media. We share our perspective, some funny things about us, and honor the people who were vulnerable and trusted us with their questions. You will hear things like responding to hurt with love and kindness, letting go of control, our favorite date nights/hobbies, the way we help our kids regulate emotions, how our communication has evolved since we were separated and more.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
In the darkness, I found mylight.
In the broken, I found my fight.
Through the struggles, I learnedto soar.
I rose above and I wanted more.
I am the eighth wonder.
Standing tall, I won't be tornasunder.
(00:23):
I've healed the wounds I'veovercome.
I am the eighth wonder.
The strongest one.
Welcome to the eighth wonderpodcast, inspiring you to be
proud of where you're at onestory at a time.
I'm your host, Ashley.
(00:43):
Let's get started.
Welcome to episode five.
Me and Nick are just chilling inour comfy clothes.
I'm so excited for the gueststhat we have next week, but this
week is going to be fun.
we put up a question box insocial media and had people send
in questions anonymously and wegot some really good ones that
(01:04):
I'm excited to answer.
Yeah.
Some of those questions involveme.
So you get to see my beautifulface or beautiful voice again.
So, And then I just want tostart by saying some of these,
quite a few of these are askingfor advice and in no way are
Nick and I saying we'requalified to give great advice.
we're just going to give ourexperience from our relationship
(01:27):
and our life and ourperspective.
so.
Take it as you want, but if itdoesn't resonate with you, just
leave it.
We're uh, we're totally learningall the time here.
So yeah, always love thatdisclaimer.
do you want me to go first?
Sure.
So, okay.
It's about gentle warrior.
So I thought I'd start, I kindof had.
(01:48):
I think I can answer this onetoo.
So, yeah, let me ask you first.
So, question was how did youovercome imposter syndrome and
gentle warrior?
person who sent it.
So they felt intimidated by thatgroup.
Okay.
I love this question because Itotally understand.
It's a valid feeling.
I think as a society.
especially as a woman growingup, like there's a lot of
(02:11):
cattiness, there's a lot ofcomparison.
There's a lot of, if I win, youlose.
There's a lot of just toxicityin women's groups.
There is, that's just the truth.
And so I totally understandthis.
but the difference is gentlewarrior is not that at all.
It is completely safe.
(02:32):
I've never once felt judged or,compared to, or, There's been no
gossip, like none of that evenexists.
So I understand.
I also think, it's a really goodteaching opportunity because if
you're feeling impostersyndrome, it means that you have
(02:52):
a fear of either not beingaccepted.
There's some type of fear there,right?
And so I think this really givesthe opportunity to dig deep.
And figure out, kind of why youfeel that way, sit with that and
know that it's valid.
but gentle warrior is just notlike anything else I've ever
(03:13):
experienced.
And so, I don't know, I feltimposter syndrome as well.
So it's like, I get it.
I want to validate that.
and I think it's just takingthis step of doing it and
realizing that like all thesewomen have your back and that
like goes away pretty quickly.
I think even outside of.
Gentle warrior in the world ingeneral, like everyone feels
(03:37):
fear.
Um, one of my favorite people inthis healing space is a lady
named Jen Gottlieb.
she's incredible.
She loves her and she reallyspeaks a lot to fear and being
your authentic self and notfeeling imposter syndrome.
And some things that she saidthat have really helped me is a
(04:00):
everyone feels impostersyndrome.
She says one of her favoritequestions to ask people and
she's meeting people.
From all, you know, segmentsfrom all different sorts of
businesses, leadership, CEOs,business owners, the who's who
of the world is like, how do youhandle fear?
Do you still feel fear?
(04:21):
And every single one of themsaid, I still feel fear.
I just have learned to ignorefear and to push through it and
realize that fear is anindicator I'm close to a
breakthrough and I'm about to dosomething great.
I love that for me.
It's like, I've said thatbefore.
Like, I'm terrified to do thispodcast.
It scares the shit out of me.
Like it is not in my comfortzone, but for me, it's like, I
(04:41):
feel the fear and I just do itanyway.
And as the more I do that, theeasier it is to do.
And the more comfortable it isto actually like, just do other
things that I feel fearful andjust do it anyway.
I think some other things Ireally liked that she, she says
is everyone poops.
Like we're all human.
Everyone poops.
Like we all do the silly thingsin life.
We all started somewhere andsomething else that we learned
(05:05):
recently.
At, the B1 conference with,Chris Williamson is, he said,
it's idiots all the way up.
I love that.
Yeah.
And that, that kind of playsinto something I've been
learning lately too.
And that I, in my, my job I'm innow, I talked to a lot of
business owners and CEOs andthings like that.
And I've learned that really thepeople that are successful in
(05:25):
life or the people that just gofor it and just do it and don't
overcomplicate it.
Don't feel like they have tohave all the X's and O's figured
out before they do something.
So I know we're talking aboutimposter syndrome, but I think
all of that kind of plays intothat.
the other big breakthrough forme too, with Watt, because I
showed up and Watt again is kindof the who's who of Utah
(05:46):
business owners, C levelexecutives, et cetera.
I showed up and I was like, holyshit, I don't belong here.
Like, who am I to be with allthese guys?
And you start having thoseconversations with yourself
where I had a major breakthroughwas Jimmy racks.
The founder of Watt had everyonestand in a circle and he had a
(06:09):
list of items that he would readoff and he'd say, if you've ever
declared bankruptcy, stepforward, if you've ever thought
about committing suicide, pleasestep forward.
If you've ever had an affair,please step forward.
And seeing these titans and theworld's eyes step forward over
and over again, Help me realizekind of like Jen said, everyone
(06:32):
poops.
Yeah, it's so true.
There's no reason to feelimposter syndrome.
Everyone's in the same boat asyou.
Everyone feels the same thing asyou.
Yeah.
And, and people, nobody's betterthan anybody.
Like we're all just doing thebest we can.
And like I said, like it's justdoing it.
It's just joining gentle warriorand realizing like, Oh my gosh,
these people are incredible.
And I built them up to be theseperfect humans and they all
(06:54):
struggle just like I do, youknow?
And it's been really freakingcool.
So the next question I'll ask toyou, are your groups open to
other members?
Yeah.
So this question would bereferring to the groups that
we've talked about.
Both Ashley and I are inpersonal development, leadership
development, groups.
(07:14):
I'm in a group called we are theday.
Uh, Ashley's in a group calledgentle warrior.
we are, the day has twodifferent groups that you could
join, I guess.
One is called the tribe.
It's always open.
if either of these feel likemakes sense to you or your
husband or significant otherreach out, we're happy to,
(07:35):
there's, Can we wait list forboth?
We're happy to get you to thetop of the list.
Yeah.
there's also a leadership group.
That'd be the group that I'm inright now with want, it's much
more intense.
you have weekly meetings,quarterly retreats, et cetera.
Those only open like twice ayear and they fill up within
like 24 hours of opening.
there's actually one about toopen and about a month.
(07:55):
So again, if that's somethingyou've been thinking about.
Hit us up.
We're happy to connect you.
You can speak to gentle warrior.
Yeah.
So gentle warrior has threegroups right now.
and as I was talking to Taryn,she was on the podcast last
time.
She said, she's not sure whatthe next group will look like.
It might be her hiring anothercoach to do that.
But it is open.
(08:17):
She will open it.
It's not open right now, but shedoes open it.
So just follow along cause shewill keep you updated on that.
and it is a weekly call.
A monthly meetup and tworetreats a year.
Next question I think probablyis for you.
will the shirts always be forsale?
What are your plans there?
That's a good question.
so the shirts that go with theperson's story, the plan right
(08:41):
now, going back to just jumpingin without having all the
details that we just talkedabout.
That's what I did.
And so the plan there right nowis.
to release those for about sixweeks, and then rotate those out
so that we can get otherpeople's stories up and not have
like an overwhelming amount ofshirts on the website.
So, six weeks is the plan rightnow that could change, but for
(09:04):
now that's what it is.
And so if you feel called tosomeone's story or you love
their design, I would purchaseas soon as possible.
what are each of your favoritepodcasts?
This is a good one.
Go ahead.
You love Jen Gottliebs.
I do love Jen Gottliebs.
I forget what it's called, butsearch for Jen Gottlieb.
She has one.
I listen to a lot of TED talks.
(09:26):
Honestly, some of my favoritepodcasts though, this is where
my nerdy side is going to comeout.
I love, so five 38 is kind of a,what's the word I'm looking for
it.
it's a website where theyanalyze like polls and those
sorts of things, and they're notreally, they don't, they're not
politically affiliated at all.
They just talk about kind ofwhat the numbers are saying.
(09:47):
It's one of my favorites.
I also love a podcast called,Stuff the British stole.
It's all about stuff thatBritish stole in history.
And then I love me some WaltDisney World Walt and Disneyland
kind of Disney podcast as well.
Definitely true.
I'm thinking I have somepodcasts that I really like.
I love the weekly trash.
(10:09):
I don't know if you guys haveheard of her, but go look her
up.
She's darling.
And I love Danny Morrell.
I can't think of what hispodcast name is.
I'm the worst at me.
I just like follow them and thenI don't have to think about what
their names are.
Um, and then I love GlennonDoyle.
As well.
(10:30):
And there's another gentlewarrior.
That was a podcast.
Her name's Amber and I love herpodcast as well.
You want to do the next one oryou want me to?
Sure.
I can do it.
Okay.
Next one is favorite hobbies todo individually and favorites to
do together.
I'll let you go first.
I got to think about this onefor a second.
Uh, so favorite hobbies.
(10:52):
Anything outdoorsy that's kindof why we're in Utah is we love
the outdoors.
So camping, hiking, I loveskiing.
I recently consciously broke astreak, but I had skied for like
18 months in a row.
I'm training to run rim to rimto ram at the grand Canyon.
I decided the risk wasn't worththe reward, this continuous
skiing, because I'm workingreally hard to do the Rembrandt.
(11:14):
So, um, yeah, anythingoutdoorsy.
Yeah.
we also love like the ballet.
Our girls are both in ballet.
We love going to the ballet, thesymphony, pretending we're rich.
My favorite hobby would be, I'vealready mentioned it, but
Disneyland.
Uh, we love Disneyland.
(11:36):
It's kind of funny.
We have a brother.
And the only vacation he evertakes is to Walt Disney World.
And I'd always tease him like,bro, the world's a big place.
Like there's lots of places youcan go.
Like come on, really?
We're going to go to Disney asan adult and he's just kind of
himself and is who he wants tobe.
And we call him Disney Dawson.
(11:56):
It's, it's really beautiful.
And like almost a year ago tothe day, Ashley and I flew to LA
just for a weekend trip, justthe two of us.
And I was like, well, we'rehere.
Might as well do Disneyland.
What the heck?
It was my first time too.
It I've never been toDisneyland.
I was like six years old orsomething.
And we both fell in love.
We loved it.
Now you're Nicky Mouse.
(12:19):
Well, we've been like, I don'tknow, four or five times in the
last year.
Yeah.
We.
I'm trying to convince him to gothis weekend.
We can't stop going.
Oh, that's so funny.
So, yeah.
Those are good.
And it's open, open mouth insertfoot there.
Uh, favorite hobbies for me ascamping.
(12:39):
I recently learned to ski, notgreat at it, but I actually
really do enjoy it.
Once I got over the F bombs andthe falling down and the scared.
I love how much of a metaphorskiing has been for your life.
That's so true.
It's like this thing that, so I,I, I.
I said, Ashley, we got to goskiing.
(12:59):
I grew up in Kansas city.
We'd go to Colorado as a family,like for a week, every year to
go ski.
I love skiing.
I've always loved skiing.
Ashley had never been, never.
So I don't know, 10 years ago wedecided to go and it's like,
cool, let's get you some skischool, like skiing's easy, like
been doing it since I was six,like, sure, they won't be hard
for you.
So put her in a half a day's skischool, pick her up.
(13:21):
Her instructor's like, Oh, shedid great.
She's probably the best onehere.
This was in Colorado, by theway, not Utah.
I don't want to give Utah a badname.
Sweet.
Like my dreams are coming true.
And I was like, should we trythe bunny hill?
She's like, sure.
So we get at the top of thebunny hill, get off the lift.
Everything goes smooth.
And she looks at me like a deerin a headlight.
It's like, what do we do now?
I'm like.
We're going to go down themountain and she's like, okay.
(13:45):
And just goes for it.
But as she's going down themountain, she is getting some,
some velocity.
Yeah.
Go on real fast.
Hey, slow down.
Hey, pizza, pizza.
And she's like, I'm trying.
And they didn't teach her how todo pizza.
They didn't teach me anything.
Yeah, they didn't.
Literally nothing.
I don't know how he said I wasready.
(14:06):
But I went flopping down themountain, like somersault, ass
overhead.
Had a yard sale at the bottom ofthe mountain.
Yeah.
And hit her head, and ever sincethen, it's just been like this
PTSD.
Totally, I'm like terrified.
And what's crazy is you're areally good skier.
Like you've gotten really goodnow.
(14:26):
Like you literally could beskiing blacks, but I still fight
that fear every single time Iget to the top of a mountain.
It could be the easiest, even abunny hill.
I still fight that fear everytime.
It's a metaphor for my life.
I love it.
It's beautiful.
It's so funny, but it's beenlike skiing.
Something that's reallyimportant to me.
So it's been, it's been reallyspecial for you to push through
(14:47):
those things for me.
It's meant a lot.
It really has.
Well, it's been really good forme because it's been a.
Like a really good opportunityfor me to face fear and to like,
do it anyway.
And like you taught me, like,just don't think about it.
Like, just go, just do anaction.
Like it can be something little,like just, and that's actually
really helped is like, if Ijust, if I start to think about
(15:08):
it, if I just wait two secondsand just go, I like, I'm fine.
And I can do it and I can getdown to the bottom safely, but I
literally will like, you guys,we've stood on ski Hills for
like hours at a time where I'mjust standing there.
Like I can't do, I cannot makemyself go.
And he's so patient.
And then I'm like mean, causeI'm triggered and like, it's
just a total shit show.
(15:33):
We've done good.
I digress.
We can go to the next one.
Let's see, what other hobbies doI have?
Same thing.
Um, I love creating, yeah, likeanything, whether that's like
pictures, taking pictures,editing pictures, creating like
baby shower invitations orcreating parties and throwing
parties for my kids.
Like I love any type ofcreation.
(15:55):
Like I'm all for it.
I love organizing.
and I'm really good at it.
Like I love to organize mypantry or like anything really
like, it makes me.
Happy to organize.
And I, uh, I always joke, youlike to redecorate our house
every quarter.
That's true too.
I do love home interior design.
(16:17):
And I do do decorate it likeevery quarter.
I'm like, all right, let's getrid of everything and start
over.
And he's like, are we kidding?
Like we literally just boughtthis stuff three months ago.
But, uh, somehow you always sellit for the same or more on
Facebook marketplace that we'remanifesting.
Oh, okay.
(16:38):
Cool.
Um, this is a good one.
How do you respond with love andkindness when someone hurts you
and has lied to you?
I'll let you start on this one.
Okay.
I love this question.
I love that you're wanting torespond with love and kindness
when someone has hurt you andlied to you.
(16:59):
I think this is a really goodopportunity to sit in like your
emotions and sit in, if somebodyhurts you, like sit in what
that, why that hurt you.
Like, is it that they lied toyou?
Is it because of the thing thatthey did?
(17:22):
Is it both?
I think it's a really goodopportunity to, cause you don't
have to respond right away.
You can take time.
We've talked about that, likestepping away.
I think it's really good tolike, step away from the like
heated moment and the like bigemotions around it.
And to go take a deep breath, golike be by yourself and figure
(17:43):
out like, why is this botheringme?
And then also, To be able to,like, think about the other
person's perspective of why theymight have done something.
I know for, like, us, just with,like, your porn issues, like,
for me, like, it was the lyingthat hurt.
It wasn't really the porn, like,I'm not okay with it, but, like,
I understand the struggle of it,and I understand the why behind
(18:05):
it, and that has helped a ton,to know that it's not about me,
and that it's actually somethingthat you've struggled with since
you were a kid, you know, and toknow.
I don't know if that makessense, but just to like try to
see their perspective because noone's ever trying to like
intentionally hurt you.
if they're lying about it,there's probably shame involved.
and so they feel really shamefuland embarrassed to even tell
(18:27):
you.
And that's usually what the lieis about.
It's not about you or like themwanting to hurt you.
so yeah, that's, that's, that'swhat I was going to say is, is
perspective.
Yeah.
Perspective is everything.
I mean, that's.
Yeah, I mean, if you understandsomeone's perspective, it's,
it's really hard to be mad atthem.
Absolutely.
and you've got to, it's hardthough sometimes to uncover that
(18:50):
perspective because whensomeone's in the wrong, they're
immediately on the defensive,right?
And so I think that statementthat we use, like, can I speak
to your heart is a really goodat disarming and helping them
know like, Hey, I truly want tosee you and understand you
because that's really all anyonewants is, is to be seen.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
(19:10):
And so definitely when emotionsare high, like we talked about
our marriage podcast, that's notthe time to try to figure that
out.
Like you said, it's okay to stepaway, to calm down.
But yeah, perspective is howyou're going to have that grace,
that understanding.
And I think like responding withlove and kindness, like also
(19:31):
honor where you're at.
Like you should respond withlove and kindness always.
but also honor your feelings aswell.
Like don't Don't put the otherperson's feelings ahead of your
own.
Like you definitely need to sitin that, like we've talked about
and figure out why that'shurting you.
And then just like return toeach other and have a
conversation about it of like agood way to respond is like,
(19:54):
Hey, you did this thing thathurt me and you lied to me about
it.
I'd love to hear yourperspective and why that felt
necessary to you.
You know, like why, why did youneed to lie to me?
What made you feel that way?
Why are you doing this thingthat hurt me?
Yeah.
Perspective and getting curiousis what I'm getting at.
Like being really curiousinstead of accusatory or
(20:15):
judgmental or like any of thepointing the finger, it's really
like getting curious withyourself and how you're feeling
and curious with the otherperson and why they're feeling
the way they are or why they'vedone what they did to hurt you.
I love that.
I think you're, you do a reallygood job of this and all aspects
of your life.
but even like, you've talkedabout some of the abuse you
suffered as a child, like you'vebeen all the step back and be
(20:37):
like, you know what, I'm, I'mgrateful for that, because it's
been my greatest teacher.
And so there's a book calledexistential kink where it talks
about.
Finding the good and everything,no matter how negative it is.
And I think that's part of it aswell.
Yeah, totally.
I agree.
next question.
(20:59):
I just found out my husband hasbeen vaping behind my back.
Advice.
So I think this goes back towhat we just talked about.
So it sounds like he was lyingabout it because it says it was
behind your back This goes backto probably their shame involved
There's a reason that he feltlike he needed to do it behind
(21:19):
your back and I'm not blamingyou at all whoever wrote this
like that's his but I think Itgoes back to like being curious
and with yourself, like is thevaping bothering you or is it
that it was behind your back oris it both?
And if it's both figure out whyit's bothering you and, and
figure out like how to sit inthat and honor those feelings
(21:43):
for you.
And then approach your husbandand say, Hey, I understand that
you probably feel embarrassed orshameful about this, but I
actually just want to talk toyou about this and why this, why
did you start, like, try to becurious and understanding of why
he's doing it and why he did itbehind your back.
The times you, you've done thatwith pornography, like I don't
think anything's deepened ourconnection and the amount of
(22:04):
love I have for you.
Yeah.
And when you've come and just becurious and like loved me and
supported me and been like, Hey,like I'm here for you.
Yeah.
and so I would definitelyencourage this individual to
approach in that way, just as wekind of just talked about, like,
that was honestly two reallygood questions in a row.
Yeah.
(22:25):
Just be curious, just be loving,try to remove shame from it.
Which is hard, but it's soimportant because the person's
already feeling shameful.
That's why they hit it.
And so if you can remove.
The like projection of shame,like that you're feeling, it
really helps open up theconversation and open up
people's hearts to be able totalk about like how they're, how
(22:47):
they truly feel.
Okay.
What's your favorite recent bookthat you've read?
So for me, it's manifesting.
Is that what it's called?
Or is it manifest?
Uh, I think it's just calledmanifest by Roxy.
Yeah.
I can't think of her name, butit's such a good book.
It's a great one.
Love it so much.
If you haven't read it, youshould read it.
(23:08):
manifesting was always like.
I, I always kind of thought itwas like hocus pocus, like you
read about like the, it's thesecret, right?
Yeah.
And like, Oh, go make a visionboard and stare at it every day
and all your dreams will cometrue.
Like what I loved about thisbook is it was like, no, that's,
that's not how manifestingworks.
Yeah.
It goes back to self love.
It's like if your subconscioustruly believes that you deserve
(23:31):
something, you can manifest it.
But if it doesn't, and you'reoperating from a subconscious
that thinks you're not goodenough, you'll never manifest
what you want.
You'll manifest what you don'twant.
It's a great read.
I'm trying to decide that'sgotta be top of my list too.
I I'm reading a book right nowcalled be seen by again, Jen
(23:52):
Gottlieb.
Really, really enjoying that.
That's like checking a lot ofboxes for what I need right now
in my life, which is trying tojust be my authentic self.
but yeah, manifest has to be Topof the list.
It's a great book.
Easy read.
It's like 180 pages orsomething.
Yeah.
So yeah, so good.
Really good book.
(24:13):
What's your least favoritechore?
We can both agree on this one.
Laundry! You guys saw ourlaundry room.
It's like a mountain range oflaundry.
Like it never is caught up.
We get caught up.
And then we just never do itagain.
We do, we pay for a laundryservice.
To get caught up.
(24:34):
And then it just piles.
We're never doing that again.
And then we do.
It's the one tour that neitherof us like.
It's just, we can't.
It's so bad.
It is.
Favorite date ever?
Ooh, this one's hard.
(24:54):
We've had a lot of good dates.
I think, like, specifically myfavorite date ever was going to
Disneyland together.
Sorry guys, we're nerds.
Ah, I do love Disney with you.
I'm trying to think.
(25:15):
Uh oh.
We're not telling that story.
I was thinking about our firstdate.
We're definitely not tellingthat story.
Yeah, we're not telling thatstory.
Sorry guys.
What other dates have we Andgood ones.
(25:38):
That same trip when we went toCalifornia, we like, we're in a
sailboat.
That was really fun.
Well, that was way fun.
They let us like drive thesailboat and got set just on
the, it's the bow, the stern, Idon't know the front of the
boat, have like a little lateron a blanket and just like, Oh,
I want to retire in a sailboat.
Like that's, That's one of mygoals.
That was super fun.
(26:00):
Uh, favorite trip.
I bet you guys can guess.
No, I know.
I don't know if it's Disney.
What do you think?
Disney.
I love Disney.
It's funny.
We used to call Disney fake fun.
I don't, I don't feel that wayanymore.
But, uh, I think it's all aboutperspective.
(26:20):
Sure.
Totally.
It's funny.
We went on a trip recently toIdaho.
And at the time we're like, wecan't spend a lot of money on
this trip.
Like we've got some things we'retrying to do.
And so we were doing reallysimple things.
We're like, Hey, let's teach ourkids.
It is not about what you'redoing.
It's about perspective.
How you're doing it perspective.
Yeah.
So we went to the Idaho potatomuseum, went to the museum of
clean, which was literally like,they had like exhibits of vacuum
(26:43):
sweepers and things like.
It was fun though, they lovedit.
It was so much fun.
Oh my gosh, they still talkabout the Idaho Potato Museum,
they had the best baked potatoesever.
Um, I think my favorite's gottabe, so when Abby was what,
three?
We went and backpacked the TetonCrest Trail, so you basically
circumnavigate the Tetons.
(27:05):
And just was an incredibleexperience.
Love that so much.
It was besides my F bombs.
Just kidding.
There's a few of those on thattrip.
For sure.
I was in a lot of pain.
I wore the wrong size hikingboots.
They were like, what a size anda half, two small, two sizes,
too small.
I didn't know any better, but itwas a good deal on Facebook.
Um, favorite date night withkids.
(27:31):
I love this one.
I love this one too.
I'll start by saying this is oneof my goals for this year is to
be better at this.
So we do date nights with ourkids.
I have one.
You can go first though.
So I think it's really importantto take your kids individually
to do things.
We took Aspen recently toDisney, which was so, so fun.
(27:54):
It was so cool to just like pourinto her and not have to worry
about anything else.
and then Abby asked me the otherday on a mommy daughter date and
she planned the whole thing.
And she put like lights in theback of our van and laid down
blankets and a like Foammattress and we watched Gilmore
(28:14):
Girls together in the mountains.
It was so so sweet So just likeI don't even think it matters
what you're doing It justmatters like to pour into them
and spend like special time withthem In fact, I was talking
about it like oh, let's have amommy daughter date or whatever
and Bubba who's three Everest Hewas like, I want a daddy daddy
son date Is that what he said?
(28:35):
Daddy son?
He said daddy bubba date.
Daddy bubba date.
I want a daddy bubba date.
So cute.
It really doesn't matter whatyou do.
I, I, the other day wasreflecting on my childhood.
Like one of my fondest memoriesis watching Royals games with my
mom in the basement.
Like just one of my favoritememories.
(28:55):
Like, yeah, that felt sospecial.
The other one, like I have islike, I love baseball as a kid
was my mom hitting me likeground balls and the side yard
and just doing that for hours,as long as I wanted.
the one I thought of, like oneof our favorite family
traditions is yesterday.
So that movie came out a fewyears ago as our kids saw it on
media.
You're like, we're doing that.
Yeah.
(29:15):
Okay.
It's so we started, I don'tknow, four or five years ago,
every Memorial Day weekend, wepick one of the days out of that
holiday weekend and, and justlet them have a yes day.
Yeah.
So that's, if you haven't seenthat movie, go watch it.
And I would encourage you to dothat for your kids.
It's so fun.
We set a budget, their rules,like you can't do anything
permanent.
(29:35):
It can't damage anything.
but other than that, they get tojust pick the whole day.
And it's so, so fun.
Yeah, it's a blast.
It's fun to be able to say yesand not know all day.
Yeah.
Like, we don't love saying no.
We literally start at like 7like midnight.
It's so much fun.
It is so fun.
It's literally, I think theywould choose that over
Christmas, Oh, totally.
It's like their favorite day ofthe whole year.
They've asked me so many timeslately, when, when is yesterday?
(29:57):
When is Memorial Day?
I'm like, it's coming up.
Next question on here is how hasyour communication evolved since
separation till now?
Ooh, that's a good one.
Um, I'll let you go first.
I have some thoughts, but I wantto hear what you say.
I think the biggest thing, andthis is something we wanted to
(30:17):
touch on in our marriage podcastthat we just I felt like we
didn't have time to really diveinto has been just being an
integrity with one another.
like your struggles can bewhatever your struggles are, but
you have to be 100 percent openand honest.
Yeah.
And they don't even have to bestruggles.
(30:37):
It's like being honest abouteverything.
Like I spent money here anddidn't, you know what I'm
saying?
Like it can be anything or I, Idon't know.
I can't even think of anything.
But.
Just like totally honest.
It doesn't even have to be aboutstruggles, but it's like being
in integrity with yourself andthen being integrity with each
other.
I think that's probably thebiggest evolution.
(30:58):
That's actually really recent.
So that was kind of the bigoverarching theme of my first
retreat.
And my men's group was being anintegrity with yourself, with
your spouse, with the world, andthat if you're not an integrity,
then you're not going to loveyourself basically.
And it's going to rob you of thepower that you could have
otherwise.
Yeah, I love that.
(31:19):
obviously all of the things wetalked about in our marriage
episode, that's been huge forour communication, like speaking
from wounds, being able to takea step back because I was always
the person that needed to take adeep breath and you didn't, you
wanted Fix it right away.
So that's been huge too, is likeactually practicing that, not
just like learning it andletting it go.
(31:39):
Like we actually practice that.
we practice literally all thethings he's taught.
He taught us like speak, let mespeak to your heart when we come
back to each other after beingheated or I don't know, all the
things, all or nothing thinkinglike we teach our kids that even
like you're thinking you'redoing all or nothing thinking
right now, like it's not all ornothing.
It can be in the middlesomewhere, you know, I think the
(32:02):
other really big evolution too,has been just how our conflicts
transpire and unwind.
Like we've gotten so much betterat like.
Just stepping away, giving eachother space, time to process.
It used to be like our conflictswould be these like day long
things.
And now like we have some sortof day, I feel like they'd be
(32:23):
weak, even a week long.
I don't know.
We'd have some sort of conflict.
We have some sort of conflictnow though.
And it's literally, should wejust have one?
Like yesterday it was like,literally you went upstairs.
You're like, I'm frustrated.
Yeah.
I was like, cool.
I'll give you space.
And about 15 minutes later, youwent and took a bath.
You took a deep breath.
You know, we, we talked it outand so, yeah, I think just
(32:47):
realizing like what the otherperson needs, I've really
embraced meditation lately.
And so when I'm really feelinganxiety or stress or whatever it
is, I'm like, Hey, I need to gomeditate and you creating that
space for me to go in the closetand meditate for 15 minutes or
an hour or whatever it takes.
And then, you know, work throughthat emotion and then we can
(33:07):
move on with our lives and havea harmonious relationship.
Yeah.
I think it's just like everevolving to like, I think it'll
look different.
But those have been like themain themes in our communication
for sure.
And just like realizing thatyou, you're your own person.
They're their own person.
Like you can't control anything.
Like control was huge for me oflike wanting to just like
(33:31):
control every situation.
So I felt like I was safe.
And.
You just can't, you can'tcontrol the other person.
You can't really controlanything.
It's just like surrender to it.
And it's so much easier.
what still causes tension inyour marriage and how do you
resolve?
I feel like we just answeredthat, but I feel like so many,
like everything can causetension in a marriage, right?
(33:53):
It's just like random.
Yeah.
Well, there it's, I think thiskind of goes back to, to like
Mike's speaking from wounds, noteven speaking from wounds, but
his whole, Like there's issuesin a marriage or there's themes
themes in a marriage and thenthere's issues in a marriage or
how did he say it?
It's not the issues.
It's the themes behind theissues.
(34:13):
And so like, dude, literallylike, I mean, buying the wrong
type of produce from the storecould cause an issue.
I'm not saying that's somethingthat's caused an issue.
Yeah, definitely not.
I was like, what?
Okay.
I don't know, but somethingsimple could cause an issue, but
it's never that simple issue.
(34:33):
It's something behind it.
I mean, I think that's somethingI've learned or had to learn is.
Like as a fixer, you can't fixmost issues with solutions like
you would a problem at work.
It's, it's, it's deeper thanthat.
It always goes deeper.
It's like if I'm frustrated thatyou didn't help me clean the
house, it's not that you didn'thelp me clean the house.
It's that I'm feeling unseen orI'm feeling like I, I don't
(34:56):
know, does that make sense?
Like there's always a themebehind it.
It's never the issue.
Yep.
Right now I'm in an eight yearrelationship with plans to get
married, but as I've done doveinto this work within myself and
gained a new community of peoplewho are also on a healing
journey, my partner and I havebecome really disconnected.
(35:17):
This is not a shared passion.
I don't feel like I can sharewhat I learn or what I'm working
on with him.
He doesn't get it.
Doesn't have any interest intrying to mesh with these
groups.
How do you navigate relations asthey shift can both exist.
I love this question.
I think you might actually beable to answer it better, but
I'm just going to start bysaying I dove into healing
(35:40):
before you and we definitely hada, a period of our marriage
where it was very disconnectedand it was recent.
Like it was a year ago even.
Because when someone starts togrow and it feels like you're
leaving the other person behind,you can only like stretch so far
before it's going to like,Either they're going to go this
(36:03):
way or they're going to comewith you.
and so, yeah, you'll have a goodperspective on this because you
were in the other person's seat.
So it sounds like she's in myseat and you're in her fiance
seat.
Yep.
Yep.
So Ashley joined gentle warriorand I'd always told myself like,
Oh, if Ashley would fix herproblems, then I wouldn't have
(36:23):
problems.
You know, mine would justmagically go away.
Um, I took zero ownership overmy issues and my problems.
And.
Gosh, I love you.
I love you too.
But Ashley, you know, started tofix her problems through gentle
warrior and these tools andbreathwork and meditation and
just all the things that she waslearning.
(36:46):
And at first it felt kind ofhocus pocus.
And at first I had some woundsthat told me Like, oh, this
isn't going to last.
Like Ashley's made some shiftsbefore, but immediately went
back to the person she was.
But eventually I found myself infront of the mirror and realized
like, no, these, this is myshit.
These are my problems.
(37:08):
And Ashley is leaving me in thedust here.
And either I'm going to catch upor Ashley's going to say I'm I'm
beyond this person to move on.
And so I don't think I wouldhave ever said that, but who
knows.
Right.
Yeah.
And so I guess speaking to thisindividual, like.
(37:31):
I would tell you just keeptrucking along and eventually
they'll have a desire to makethose changes and they'll want
to follow you.
At least that was the case forme.
And if they don't, then youknow, right?
Like eventually, I mean, Idon't, this is a hard one
because I feel like it goes backto like control of like when,
(37:55):
I'll just give an example.
When I was like joined thehealing.
Community and started on thispath and was like fixing things
and he was still just like, no,it's you.
Right.
It was really hard.
It was really hard for me not tonot be like, just do it.
Do what I'm doing.
Like, just join a group.
Just do this.
Just do that.
Like, I wanted so badly tocontrol where you were and to
(38:18):
have you feel and think the sameway I was and you were not there
yet.
You weren't ready.
And so what was Most beneficialfor me was to surrender that and
let go of that control and justbe okay with where he was and be
like, you know what, this iswhere he's at.
I'm just going to focus on meand worry about my healing and
keep doing what I'm doing.
(38:39):
And he'll figure it out forhimself.
And he did.
It's like, once we let go ofthat control, it like opens up
for the other person to be like,Oh, Wait, I love you.
I want to come.
I want to be a part of this.
Yeah.
You know, and you can't, youcan't force people either.
No, that has the oppositeeffect.
Yeah, totally.
So when you say can both exist,I think they can.
(39:01):
And they did for us.
Like it was me and gentlewarrior and you like, meh, this
is weird.
The stuff you're talking aboutdoesn't really resonate.
It was really scary for me as toas well.
I remember I think we were goingto whitefish and having
conversation around the thingsyou were learning in gentle
warrior and kind of like, Hey,are you going to join me or not?
(39:23):
And you just being like, dude,this is scary.
Like there, there's a whole sideof myself that I haven't faced
Since I was a kid that I've putin a closet and just ignored and
lived a life out of complacencyand fear of change.
Like it's really scary to facethe unknown and not know what's
(39:47):
behind that door.
And it took, it took some timefor me to muster the courage to
finally be willing to, you know,take a step off the cliff.
And to dive in.
And once I did though, I wouldsay that I, I've, I've dove in
fully, totally.
Um, I was going to say alsosomething I didn't expect in the
(40:08):
journey of both of us healing iswhen he did step up, I got
scared.
It was like, Oh wait, is hegoing to leave me behind now?
Like I got scared too.
So I think it can switch backand forth.
Like I think that like, it wasinteresting because I, I
(40:28):
suddenly knew what he felt likewhen I was, when I had done it
first, like I was like, Oh, thisis what he felt like.
Like, it is scary.
It's scary to feel like you'regoing to be left behind.
It's also scary to want to stepup and face your shit.
It's hard.
Like that's hard work.
There's no going back from that.
Once you know, you know, youcan't look, you can't unsee it,
you know?
(40:49):
So I just encourage you to keepbeing you, and shining your
light and surrendering thecontrol and just give it time.
One more thing I'd say too is wejust be patient, like I, you
know, through our first 10 yearsof marriage, like always saw you
for who you really were and sawyour divine potential.
(41:11):
Yeah.
And you've obviously seen thatin this person if you've been
with them for eight years.
Yeah.
So just be patient.
Like an eight year relationshipisn't worth blowing up just
because.
Your person's not quite ready.
Yeah.
Well, that's great advice.
how do you teach your kids toregulate their emotions?
(41:32):
I love this one.
I'll let you answer this one.
You're definitely, youdefinitely do the way on this
one.
so it's interesting because thishas been really hard for me.
when you grow up and don't, youdon't learn how to regulate your
own emotions and then you becomean adult and you don't know how
to regulate your emotions.
And then you have kids and theyhave meltdowns.
You're like, uh, I have no ideawhat to do.
(41:53):
It triggered me so bad.
Like my kids would cry and Iwould like blackout.
Like I was so triggered, like hecan attest, like I would have to
leave the room, like I couldnot, I was like, I can't, I
can't, I cannot do it, like itwas so bad, now they cry and I'm
like, yes, but it's what, sowhat I'm trying to say is like,
(42:16):
Be patient with yourself.
Have grace with yourself.
kids are our greatest mirror andthis has been really hard for
me.
and I think it's just baby stepsand I think it's also like as I
learned to regulate my emotionsand they see that, they start to
mirror that back and they startto realize how to do that.
In fact, like, I'll always saylike, you're allowed to cry.
Right.
And if I'll have a moment withAspen where I'm like, stop
(42:38):
crying.
She's like, I'm allowed to cry.
And I'm like, you're right.
Like she'll call me out.
And I love that.
I love that.
Like we have set that precedencefor them where they will tell us
like, actually, no, you'vetaught me that I can do this.
You know, it's been really cool.
Aspen, we got an email fromAspen's teacher.
No, it was parent teacherconferences.
And she got on and she saidlike, Aspen is one of the best
(42:59):
people at talking about heremotions.
Like she will be in class andshe'll be doing a math problem
and she'll be like, I am sofrustrated.
I need to go take a deep breath.
And she's like, she'll walk tothe corner, take three deep
breaths, do some twirl balletspins, come back and be like,
okay, let's try again.
And like, keep going.
She's like, she just perseveresand, but she's, she will.
(43:20):
Say her emotions out loud andnot be afraid to tell me how
she's feeling and like goregulate and come back.
And I think like that's mygreatest win as a mom.
Like if I can teach my kids thatlike they, I'm getting emotional
because I'm like they're so farahead of me in that space.
Like I am so thankful.
Yeah, so I just think it's likelearning to regulate your own
(43:42):
emotions and being able to holdspace for your kids emotions
when they feel big emotions andtell them things like it's okay
to cry.
It's actually okay if you'reupset with me, you can be mad at
me.
If you didn't like that, do youneed a hug?
Like just, just feeling intothat.
And like, I always, I love thequote.
That's like, be who you neededwhen you were a child.
Cause that's really what it is.
(44:02):
It's just like, as you learn toregulate your own emotions and
heal your inner child, it likeheals your child that's in front
of you as well.
I think too, like with Abby,Abby's.
Difficult right now.
She's in the preteen, she's veryproud of that, that I'm a tween,
but it's just like, it doesn'talways feel like those lessons
(44:27):
are taking.
But just being consistent, like,Hey, sis, we've got to talk
about what we're feeling.
We've got to do this.
And then you'll see it.
Click.
Yeah.
And I look back to being a kidtoo.
And like, I still rememberlessons that I was taught as a
kid.
And I'm sure at the time myparents like, this is, this is
pointless.
Why am I having thisconversation?
But yeah, I heard them.
Totally.
(44:47):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that because it gives youperspective too, because in the
moment it's like, are they evenlistening?
Like, do they even hear me?
They're still struggling withthe same problem, but then one
day it does click and you'relike, Oh, wait, they're way
better than they used to be.
They, they're starting to learnhow to regulate, you know?
It's cool.
And I think just allowing thatall the emotions to be Like
allowing the space for that andnot judging them or putting
(45:10):
shame to them and just beinglike, you know what, if that's
how you feel, like you'reallowed to feel that way because
society already teaches emotionsare negative or there's certain
emotions that are negative.
And I hate that.
Like, let's actually teach themthat we're human.
And this is a human experience.
And these emotions are normal.
And, oh, you feel angry rightnow.
You should, that's your bodyshowing up for you.
(45:31):
You know,.
So last question.
Yeah.
How do you set healthyboundaries in your relationship?
Okay, I love this one because Iremember going into Gentle
Warrior and thinking like, myboundaries are my boundaries and
like, you can't break them.
And like, it was like this verylike controlled environment.
(45:51):
And I'll never forget when Tarynwas like, boundaries aren't
about another person, they'reabout yourself.
And I was like, um, excuse me,what?
Like she taught us and it's sobeautiful that boundaries are
really about ourselves and weset boundaries with ourselves.
We don't set boundaries withother people.
We don't say, Hey, that's myboundary.
You crossed it.
Like that's, well, you can havethose conversations, but what
(46:14):
I'm trying to say is like, I'lltry to give an example, like say
that I have someone in my spacefive times in a week, but I know
that that person being in myspace five times a week isn't
good for me, but I did itanyway.
That's me breaking my ownboundary.
That's not on them.
Because I had set a boundary.
I had known that they weren't,shouldn't be in my space for
(46:34):
five days out of the week and Ilet them anyway.
That's on me.
That's a moment for me to lookand go, okay, I didn't hold my
boundaries with myself.
I should have said no.
And next time I know now, doesthat make sense?
Yeah.
It, this is something that Ifeel like I'm, I'm still kind of
learning.
And it's, it's definitely recentto me, but something, what I've
(46:56):
learned recently is like,there's like, is there really
even a such thing as healthyboundaries and a relationship
because you can't place those onother people.
Like you said, it really comesdown to you and your
expectations and like justtalking through things.
Like, I love that you saidexpectations.
(47:16):
Yeah.
Cause that's really what it is,right?
It's like we've been where we, alot of society teaches like
boundaries are like, it's reallyjust expectations and disguises
boundaries.
They're not actually boundaries,their expectations.
And then you have theseexpectations on people and
that's not fair.
Like you can't have expectationson people.
You're just always going to bedisappointed because if a person
(47:39):
doesn't live up to thoseexpectations, which they don't
have any like obligation to doso, right, then.
You're going to be disappointedand your boundaries are going to
be broken.
If that's what your boundariesare.
I do think there are things in arelationship and I don't even
know if you would call themboundaries, but cause I feel
(47:59):
like I'm still learning thistoo.
Like, this is something thatTaryn has taught us and done a
great job at, but it's somethingthat I just like constantly.
I'm like, that's interesting.
Like, I can't, I think it goesdeeper, but I think in a
relationship, like.
There are things you can agreethat are boundaries together,
like we're not okay with hurtingeach other.
Like, you know, like there's,there's a mutual understanding
(48:21):
or like rules if you want tosay, and those can be broken and
those are like, that's adifferent conversation.
But when you're puttingboundaries, like if I told Nick,
like you can't drink soda, itmakes me uncomfortable.
You can't ride your dirt bike.
I'm afraid you're going to gethurt.
Like, that's not okay.
If we've come to a mutualagreement, we've talked through
this and like, he's like, youknow what, it's not worth, like,
(48:43):
that's different.
But if I'm just like, you can'thave that hobby.
Cause it makes me uncomfortable.
Like that's control.
That's not okay.
And that's not a boundary.
If that makes sense.
Yeah, I don't know.
No, I think that's great.
Like you said, I thinkboundaries are really something
mutual.
It can't be something you justsay, Hey, you can't do this.
It doesn't make me feel safe.
Yeah.
it has to be a mutual thing.
(49:04):
Otherwise it comes down toexpectations and.
Making sure you both have arealigned and what the
expectations are and what theyshould be, but also things
change.
Life changes.
Oh yeah.
Boundaries always change.
Like they're not a set in stone.
They are fluid.
They can totally change and theyshould be within yourself of
like, that made meuncomfortable.
(49:26):
Now I know next time to not putmyself in that situation or
whatever that looks like, likethey really are something that
it's inside yourself.
And that like blew my mind andchanged my perspective.
And now I don't do that.
I don't do the, like, that's aboundary that you broke, you
know?
I don't know if that's helpful.
Hopefully.
Cool.
So last question, I know off thescript here, I just, I'd love
(49:53):
for you to talk more, like I'mobsessed with you.
You're my hero.
I'm so proud of you and whatyou're doing with eighth wonder.
Like, what are your, like youraspirations?
What are your wildest dreamswith like eighth wonder?
Where would you love to see itgo?
Do I have to speak these outloud?
You guys, he's trying to make memanifest here.
(50:14):
Call me out.
I mean, my biggest desire is tohelp people, right?
Like I want the podcast.
To be accessible to people thatneed it.
I want it to go into the handsof people that need healing or
need to be proud of wherethey're at or need to feel less
alone or all the things I'vesaid.
(50:35):
Like I think that the humanexperience is really hard and I
remember like growing up andfeeling so alone.
Like so alone in my experience.
And now I'm like, I was not,there are so many people,
everyone has a story.
Everyone has experiencedsomething hard for them.
And there's no comp, like wedon't have to compare stories.
(50:57):
We don't have to say mine washard.
Like that.
It's none of that.
It's like everybody has, is justtrying their best.
They've all been through reallyhard things that were super hard
for them.
And, um, I want people tounderstand that and I want
people to like feel loved andaccepted and to feel hope that
they can get through it andbecome who they want to be
(51:20):
because nobody wants to bemiserable and lonely and stuck
in this like cycle of like shameand judgment and it's the worst
place to be.
And so for me, it's like, I justwant it to go out into the world
and touch the people that itneeds to.
That's my biggest aspiration.
I love that.
I love you.
I'm so proud of you.
(51:40):
Thank you.
Thank you so much guys for beingvulnerable enough to ask us
questions.
I really appreciate it and Ihope this was helpful and I'm so
excited for the guest next week.
You guys, she's amazing anduntil next time.
Yeah.
I'm super excited for next week.
She's never told her story.
(52:00):
I'm so excited.
It is awesome.
I'm honored.
Thank you so much for taking thetime to listen.
It means the world to me.
If you liked this episode,please subscribe, leave a
review, and share on Instagram.
If you're not following us,follow at eighthwonderdesigns,
and remember, be proud of whereyou're at.
In the darkness, I found mylight.
In the broken, I found my fight.
Through the struggles, I learnedto soar.
I rose above and I wanted more.
I am the eighth wonder.
Standing tall, I won't be tornasunder.
(00:23):
I've healed the wounds I'veovercome.
I am the eighth wonder.
The strongest one.
Welcome to the eighth wonderpodcast, inspiring you to be
proud of where you're at onestory at a time.
I'm your host, Ashley.
(00:43):
Let's get started.
Welcome to episode five.
Me and Nick are just chilling inour comfy clothes.
I'm so excited for the gueststhat we have next week, but this
week is going to be fun.
we put up a question box insocial media and had people send
in questions anonymously and wegot some really good ones that
(01:04):
I'm excited to answer.
Yeah.
Some of those questions involveme.
So you get to see my beautifulface or beautiful voice again.
So, And then I just want tostart by saying some of these,
quite a few of these are askingfor advice and in no way are
Nick and I saying we'requalified to give great advice.
we're just going to give ourexperience from our relationship
(01:27):
and our life and ourperspective.
so.
Take it as you want, but if itdoesn't resonate with you, just
leave it.
We're uh, we're totally learningall the time here.
So yeah, always love thatdisclaimer.
do you want me to go first?
Sure.
So, okay.
It's about gentle warrior.
So I thought I'd start, I kindof had.
(01:48):
I think I can answer this onetoo.
So, yeah, let me ask you first.
So, question was how did youovercome imposter syndrome and
gentle warrior?
person who sent it.
So they felt intimidated by thatgroup.
Okay.
I love this question because Itotally understand.
It's a valid feeling.
I think as a society.
especially as a woman growingup, like there's a lot of
(02:11):
cattiness, there's a lot ofcomparison.
There's a lot of, if I win, youlose.
There's a lot of just toxicityin women's groups.
There is, that's just the truth.
And so I totally understandthis.
but the difference is gentlewarrior is not that at all.
It is completely safe.
(02:32):
I've never once felt judged or,compared to, or, There's been no
gossip, like none of that evenexists.
So I understand.
I also think, it's a really goodteaching opportunity because if
you're feeling impostersyndrome, it means that you have
(02:52):
a fear of either not beingaccepted.
There's some type of fear there,right?
And so I think this really givesthe opportunity to dig deep.
And figure out, kind of why youfeel that way, sit with that and
know that it's valid.
but gentle warrior is just notlike anything else I've ever
(03:13):
experienced.
And so, I don't know, I feltimposter syndrome as well.
So it's like, I get it.
I want to validate that.
and I think it's just takingthis step of doing it and
realizing that like all thesewomen have your back and that
like goes away pretty quickly.
I think even outside of.
Gentle warrior in the world ingeneral, like everyone feels
(03:37):
fear.
Um, one of my favorite people inthis healing space is a lady
named Jen Gottlieb.
she's incredible.
She loves her and she reallyspeaks a lot to fear and being
your authentic self and notfeeling imposter syndrome.
And some things that she saidthat have really helped me is a
(04:00):
everyone feels impostersyndrome.
She says one of her favoritequestions to ask people and
she's meeting people.
From all, you know, segmentsfrom all different sorts of
businesses, leadership, CEOs,business owners, the who's who
of the world is like, how do youhandle fear?
Do you still feel fear?
(04:21):
And every single one of themsaid, I still feel fear.
I just have learned to ignorefear and to push through it and
realize that fear is anindicator I'm close to a
breakthrough and I'm about to dosomething great.
I love that for me.
It's like, I've said thatbefore.
Like, I'm terrified to do thispodcast.
It scares the shit out of me.
Like it is not in my comfortzone, but for me, it's like, I
(04:41):
feel the fear and I just do itanyway.
And as the more I do that, theeasier it is to do.
And the more comfortable it isto actually like, just do other
things that I feel fearful andjust do it anyway.
I think some other things Ireally liked that she, she says
is everyone poops.
Like we're all human.
Everyone poops.
Like we all do the silly thingsin life.
We all started somewhere andsomething else that we learned
(05:05):
recently.
At, the B1 conference with,Chris Williamson is, he said,
it's idiots all the way up.
I love that.
Yeah.
And that, that kind of playsinto something I've been
learning lately too.
And that I, in my, my job I'm innow, I talked to a lot of
business owners and CEOs andthings like that.
And I've learned that really thepeople that are successful in
(05:25):
life or the people that just gofor it and just do it and don't
overcomplicate it.
Don't feel like they have tohave all the X's and O's figured
out before they do something.
So I know we're talking aboutimposter syndrome, but I think
all of that kind of plays intothat.
the other big breakthrough forme too, with Watt, because I
showed up and Watt again is kindof the who's who of Utah
(05:46):
business owners, C levelexecutives, et cetera.
I showed up and I was like, holyshit, I don't belong here.
Like, who am I to be with allthese guys?
And you start having thoseconversations with yourself
where I had a major breakthroughwas Jimmy racks.
The founder of Watt had everyonestand in a circle and he had a
(06:09):
list of items that he would readoff and he'd say, if you've ever
declared bankruptcy, stepforward, if you've ever thought
about committing suicide, pleasestep forward.
If you've ever had an affair,please step forward.
And seeing these titans and theworld's eyes step forward over
and over again, Help me realizekind of like Jen said, everyone
(06:32):
poops.
Yeah, it's so true.
There's no reason to feelimposter syndrome.
Everyone's in the same boat asyou.
Everyone feels the same thing asyou.
Yeah.
And, and people, nobody's betterthan anybody.
Like we're all just doing thebest we can.
And like I said, like it's justdoing it.
It's just joining gentle warriorand realizing like, Oh my gosh,
these people are incredible.
And I built them up to be theseperfect humans and they all
(06:54):
struggle just like I do, youknow?
And it's been really freakingcool.
So the next question I'll ask toyou, are your groups open to
other members?
Yeah.
So this question would bereferring to the groups that
we've talked about.
Both Ashley and I are inpersonal development, leadership
development, groups.
(07:14):
I'm in a group called we are theday.
Uh, Ashley's in a group calledgentle warrior.
we are, the day has twodifferent groups that you could
join, I guess.
One is called the tribe.
It's always open.
if either of these feel likemakes sense to you or your
husband or significant otherreach out, we're happy to,
(07:35):
there's, Can we wait list forboth?
We're happy to get you to thetop of the list.
Yeah.
there's also a leadership group.
That'd be the group that I'm inright now with want, it's much
more intense.
you have weekly meetings,quarterly retreats, et cetera.
Those only open like twice ayear and they fill up within
like 24 hours of opening.
there's actually one about toopen and about a month.
(07:55):
So again, if that's somethingyou've been thinking about.
Hit us up.
We're happy to connect you.
You can speak to gentle warrior.
Yeah.
So gentle warrior has threegroups right now.
and as I was talking to Taryn,she was on the podcast last
time.
She said, she's not sure whatthe next group will look like.
It might be her hiring anothercoach to do that.
But it is open.
(08:17):
She will open it.
It's not open right now, but shedoes open it.
So just follow along cause shewill keep you updated on that.
and it is a weekly call.
A monthly meetup and tworetreats a year.
Next question I think probablyis for you.
will the shirts always be forsale?
What are your plans there?
That's a good question.
so the shirts that go with theperson's story, the plan right
(08:41):
now, going back to just jumpingin without having all the
details that we just talkedabout.
That's what I did.
And so the plan there right nowis.
to release those for about sixweeks, and then rotate those out
so that we can get otherpeople's stories up and not have
like an overwhelming amount ofshirts on the website.
So, six weeks is the plan rightnow that could change, but for
(09:04):
now that's what it is.
And so if you feel called tosomeone's story or you love
their design, I would purchaseas soon as possible.
what are each of your favoritepodcasts?
This is a good one.
Go ahead.
You love Jen Gottliebs.
I do love Jen Gottliebs.
I forget what it's called, butsearch for Jen Gottlieb.
She has one.
I listen to a lot of TED talks.
(09:26):
Honestly, some of my favoritepodcasts though, this is where
my nerdy side is going to comeout.
I love, so five 38 is kind of a,what's the word I'm looking for
it.
it's a website where theyanalyze like polls and those
sorts of things, and they're notreally, they don't, they're not
politically affiliated at all.
They just talk about kind ofwhat the numbers are saying.
(09:47):
It's one of my favorites.
I also love a podcast called,Stuff the British stole.
It's all about stuff thatBritish stole in history.
And then I love me some WaltDisney World Walt and Disneyland
kind of Disney podcast as well.
Definitely true.
I'm thinking I have somepodcasts that I really like.
I love the weekly trash.
(10:09):
I don't know if you guys haveheard of her, but go look her
up.
She's darling.
And I love Danny Morrell.
I can't think of what hispodcast name is.
I'm the worst at me.
I just like follow them and thenI don't have to think about what
their names are.
Um, and then I love GlennonDoyle.
As well.
(10:30):
And there's another gentlewarrior.
That was a podcast.
Her name's Amber and I love herpodcast as well.
You want to do the next one oryou want me to?
Sure.
I can do it.
Okay.
Next one is favorite hobbies todo individually and favorites to
do together.
I'll let you go first.
I got to think about this onefor a second.
Uh, so favorite hobbies.
(10:52):
Anything outdoorsy that's kindof why we're in Utah is we love
the outdoors.
So camping, hiking, I loveskiing.
I recently consciously broke astreak, but I had skied for like
18 months in a row.
I'm training to run rim to rimto ram at the grand Canyon.
I decided the risk wasn't worththe reward, this continuous
skiing, because I'm workingreally hard to do the Rembrandt.
(11:14):
So, um, yeah, anythingoutdoorsy.
Yeah.
we also love like the ballet.
Our girls are both in ballet.
We love going to the ballet, thesymphony, pretending we're rich.
My favorite hobby would be, I'vealready mentioned it, but
Disneyland.
Uh, we love Disneyland.
(11:36):
It's kind of funny.
We have a brother.
And the only vacation he evertakes is to Walt Disney World.
And I'd always tease him like,bro, the world's a big place.
Like there's lots of places youcan go.
Like come on, really?
We're going to go to Disney asan adult and he's just kind of
himself and is who he wants tobe.
And we call him Disney Dawson.
(11:56):
It's, it's really beautiful.
And like almost a year ago tothe day, Ashley and I flew to LA
just for a weekend trip, justthe two of us.
And I was like, well, we'rehere.
Might as well do Disneyland.
What the heck?
It was my first time too.
It I've never been toDisneyland.
I was like six years old orsomething.
And we both fell in love.
We loved it.
Now you're Nicky Mouse.
(12:19):
Well, we've been like, I don'tknow, four or five times in the
last year.
Yeah.
We.
I'm trying to convince him to gothis weekend.
We can't stop going.
Oh, that's so funny.
So, yeah.
Those are good.
And it's open, open mouth insertfoot there.
Uh, favorite hobbies for me ascamping.
(12:39):
I recently learned to ski, notgreat at it, but I actually
really do enjoy it.
Once I got over the F bombs andthe falling down and the scared.
I love how much of a metaphorskiing has been for your life.
That's so true.
It's like this thing that, so I,I, I.
I said, Ashley, we got to goskiing.
(12:59):
I grew up in Kansas city.
We'd go to Colorado as a family,like for a week, every year to
go ski.
I love skiing.
I've always loved skiing.
Ashley had never been, never.
So I don't know, 10 years ago wedecided to go and it's like,
cool, let's get you some skischool, like skiing's easy, like
been doing it since I was six,like, sure, they won't be hard
for you.
So put her in a half a day's skischool, pick her up.
(13:21):
Her instructor's like, Oh, shedid great.
She's probably the best onehere.
This was in Colorado, by theway, not Utah.
I don't want to give Utah a badname.
Sweet.
Like my dreams are coming true.
And I was like, should we trythe bunny hill?
She's like, sure.
So we get at the top of thebunny hill, get off the lift.
Everything goes smooth.
And she looks at me like a deerin a headlight.
It's like, what do we do now?
I'm like.
We're going to go down themountain and she's like, okay.
(13:45):
And just goes for it.
But as she's going down themountain, she is getting some,
some velocity.
Yeah.
Go on real fast.
Hey, slow down.
Hey, pizza, pizza.
And she's like, I'm trying.
And they didn't teach her how todo pizza.
They didn't teach me anything.
Yeah, they didn't.
Literally nothing.
I don't know how he said I wasready.
(14:06):
But I went flopping down themountain, like somersault, ass
overhead.
Had a yard sale at the bottom ofthe mountain.
Yeah.
And hit her head, and ever sincethen, it's just been like this
PTSD.
Totally, I'm like terrified.
And what's crazy is you're areally good skier.
Like you've gotten really goodnow.
(14:26):
Like you literally could beskiing blacks, but I still fight
that fear every single time Iget to the top of a mountain.
It could be the easiest, even abunny hill.
I still fight that fear everytime.
It's a metaphor for my life.
I love it.
It's beautiful.
It's so funny, but it's beenlike skiing.
Something that's reallyimportant to me.
So it's been, it's been reallyspecial for you to push through
(14:47):
those things for me.
It's meant a lot.
It really has.
Well, it's been really good forme because it's been a.
Like a really good opportunityfor me to face fear and to like,
do it anyway.
And like you taught me, like,just don't think about it.
Like, just go, just do anaction.
Like it can be something little,like just, and that's actually
really helped is like, if Ijust, if I start to think about
(15:08):
it, if I just wait two secondsand just go, I like, I'm fine.
And I can do it and I can getdown to the bottom safely, but I
literally will like, you guys,we've stood on ski Hills for
like hours at a time where I'mjust standing there.
Like I can't do, I cannot makemyself go.
And he's so patient.
And then I'm like mean, causeI'm triggered and like, it's
just a total shit show.
(15:33):
We've done good.
I digress.
We can go to the next one.
Let's see, what other hobbies doI have?
Same thing.
Um, I love creating, yeah, likeanything, whether that's like
pictures, taking pictures,editing pictures, creating like
baby shower invitations orcreating parties and throwing
parties for my kids.
Like I love any type ofcreation.
(15:55):
Like I'm all for it.
I love organizing.
and I'm really good at it.
Like I love to organize mypantry or like anything really
like, it makes me.
Happy to organize.
And I, uh, I always joke, youlike to redecorate our house
every quarter.
That's true too.
I do love home interior design.
(16:17):
And I do do decorate it likeevery quarter.
I'm like, all right, let's getrid of everything and start
over.
And he's like, are we kidding?
Like we literally just boughtthis stuff three months ago.
But, uh, somehow you always sellit for the same or more on
Facebook marketplace that we'remanifesting.
Oh, okay.
(16:38):
Cool.
Um, this is a good one.
How do you respond with love andkindness when someone hurts you
and has lied to you?
I'll let you start on this one.
Okay.
I love this question.
I love that you're wanting torespond with love and kindness
when someone has hurt you andlied to you.
(16:59):
I think this is a really goodopportunity to sit in like your
emotions and sit in, if somebodyhurts you, like sit in what
that, why that hurt you.
Like, is it that they lied toyou?
Is it because of the thing thatthey did?
(17:22):
Is it both?
I think it's a really goodopportunity to, cause you don't
have to respond right away.
You can take time.
We've talked about that, likestepping away.
I think it's really good tolike, step away from the like
heated moment and the like bigemotions around it.
And to go take a deep breath, golike be by yourself and figure
(17:43):
out like, why is this botheringme?
And then also, To be able to,like, think about the other
person's perspective of why theymight have done something.
I know for, like, us, just with,like, your porn issues, like,
for me, like, it was the lyingthat hurt.
It wasn't really the porn, like,I'm not okay with it, but, like,
I understand the struggle of it,and I understand the why behind
(18:05):
it, and that has helped a ton,to know that it's not about me,
and that it's actually somethingthat you've struggled with since
you were a kid, you know, and toknow.
I don't know if that makessense, but just to like try to
see their perspective because noone's ever trying to like
intentionally hurt you.
if they're lying about it,there's probably shame involved.
and so they feel really shamefuland embarrassed to even tell
(18:27):
you.
And that's usually what the lieis about.
It's not about you or like themwanting to hurt you.
so yeah, that's, that's, that'swhat I was going to say is, is
perspective.
Yeah.
Perspective is everything.
I mean, that's.
Yeah, I mean, if you understandsomeone's perspective, it's,
it's really hard to be mad atthem.
Absolutely.
and you've got to, it's hardthough sometimes to uncover that
(18:50):
perspective because whensomeone's in the wrong, they're
immediately on the defensive,right?
And so I think that statementthat we use, like, can I speak
to your heart is a really goodat disarming and helping them
know like, Hey, I truly want tosee you and understand you
because that's really all anyonewants is, is to be seen.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
(19:10):
And so definitely when emotionsare high, like we talked about
our marriage podcast, that's notthe time to try to figure that
out.
Like you said, it's okay to stepaway, to calm down.
But yeah, perspective is howyou're going to have that grace,
that understanding.
And I think like responding withlove and kindness, like also
(19:31):
honor where you're at.
Like you should respond withlove and kindness always.
but also honor your feelings aswell.
Like don't Don't put the otherperson's feelings ahead of your
own.
Like you definitely need to sitin that, like we've talked about
and figure out why that'shurting you.
And then just like return toeach other and have a
conversation about it of like agood way to respond is like,
(19:54):
Hey, you did this thing thathurt me and you lied to me about
it.
I'd love to hear yourperspective and why that felt
necessary to you.
You know, like why, why did youneed to lie to me?
What made you feel that way?
Why are you doing this thingthat hurt me?
Yeah.
Perspective and getting curiousis what I'm getting at.
Like being really curiousinstead of accusatory or
(20:15):
judgmental or like any of thepointing the finger, it's really
like getting curious withyourself and how you're feeling
and curious with the otherperson and why they're feeling
the way they are or why they'vedone what they did to hurt you.
I love that.
I think you're, you do a reallygood job of this and all aspects
of your life.
but even like, you've talkedabout some of the abuse you
suffered as a child, like you'vebeen all the step back and be
(20:37):
like, you know what, I'm, I'mgrateful for that, because it's
been my greatest teacher.
And so there's a book calledexistential kink where it talks
about.
Finding the good and everything,no matter how negative it is.
And I think that's part of it aswell.
Yeah, totally.
I agree.
next question.
(20:59):
I just found out my husband hasbeen vaping behind my back.
Advice.
So I think this goes back towhat we just talked about.
So it sounds like he was lyingabout it because it says it was
behind your back This goes backto probably their shame involved
There's a reason that he feltlike he needed to do it behind
(21:19):
your back and I'm not blamingyou at all whoever wrote this
like that's his but I think Itgoes back to like being curious
and with yourself, like is thevaping bothering you or is it
that it was behind your back oris it both?
And if it's both figure out whyit's bothering you and, and
figure out like how to sit inthat and honor those feelings
(21:43):
for you.
And then approach your husbandand say, Hey, I understand that
you probably feel embarrassed orshameful about this, but I
actually just want to talk toyou about this and why this, why
did you start, like, try to becurious and understanding of why
he's doing it and why he did itbehind your back.
The times you, you've done thatwith pornography, like I don't
think anything's deepened ourconnection and the amount of
(22:04):
love I have for you.
Yeah.
And when you've come and just becurious and like loved me and
supported me and been like, Hey,like I'm here for you.
Yeah.
and so I would definitelyencourage this individual to
approach in that way, just as wekind of just talked about, like,
that was honestly two reallygood questions in a row.
Yeah.
(22:25):
Just be curious, just be loving,try to remove shame from it.
Which is hard, but it's soimportant because the person's
already feeling shameful.
That's why they hit it.
And so if you can remove.
The like projection of shame,like that you're feeling, it
really helps open up theconversation and open up
people's hearts to be able totalk about like how they're, how
(22:47):
they truly feel.
Okay.
What's your favorite recent bookthat you've read?
So for me, it's manifesting.
Is that what it's called?
Or is it manifest?
Uh, I think it's just calledmanifest by Roxy.
Yeah.
I can't think of her name, butit's such a good book.
It's a great one.
Love it so much.
If you haven't read it, youshould read it.
(23:08):
manifesting was always like.
I, I always kind of thought itwas like hocus pocus, like you
read about like the, it's thesecret, right?
Yeah.
And like, Oh, go make a visionboard and stare at it every day
and all your dreams will cometrue.
Like what I loved about thisbook is it was like, no, that's,
that's not how manifestingworks.
Yeah.
It goes back to self love.
It's like if your subconscioustruly believes that you deserve
(23:31):
something, you can manifest it.
But if it doesn't, and you'reoperating from a subconscious
that thinks you're not goodenough, you'll never manifest
what you want.
You'll manifest what you don'twant.
It's a great read.
I'm trying to decide that'sgotta be top of my list too.
I I'm reading a book right nowcalled be seen by again, Jen
(23:52):
Gottlieb.
Really, really enjoying that.
That's like checking a lot ofboxes for what I need right now
in my life, which is trying tojust be my authentic self.
but yeah, manifest has to be Topof the list.
It's a great book.
Easy read.
It's like 180 pages orsomething.
Yeah.
So yeah, so good.
Really good book.
(24:13):
What's your least favoritechore?
We can both agree on this one.
Laundry! You guys saw ourlaundry room.
It's like a mountain range oflaundry.
Like it never is caught up.
We get caught up.
And then we just never do itagain.
We do, we pay for a laundryservice.
To get caught up.
(24:34):
And then it just piles.
We're never doing that again.
And then we do.
It's the one tour that neitherof us like.
It's just, we can't.
It's so bad.
It is.
Favorite date ever?
Ooh, this one's hard.
(24:54):
We've had a lot of good dates.
I think, like, specifically myfavorite date ever was going to
Disneyland together.
Sorry guys, we're nerds.
Ah, I do love Disney with you.
I'm trying to think.
(25:15):
Uh oh.
We're not telling that story.
I was thinking about our firstdate.
We're definitely not tellingthat story.
Yeah, we're not telling thatstory.
Sorry guys.
What other dates have we Andgood ones.
(25:38):
That same trip when we went toCalifornia, we like, we're in a
sailboat.
That was really fun.
Well, that was way fun.
They let us like drive thesailboat and got set just on
the, it's the bow, the stern, Idon't know the front of the
boat, have like a little lateron a blanket and just like, Oh,
I want to retire in a sailboat.
Like that's, That's one of mygoals.
That was super fun.
(26:00):
Uh, favorite trip.
I bet you guys can guess.
No, I know.
I don't know if it's Disney.
What do you think?
Disney.
I love Disney.
It's funny.
We used to call Disney fake fun.
I don't, I don't feel that wayanymore.
But, uh, I think it's all aboutperspective.
(26:20):
Sure.
Totally.
It's funny.
We went on a trip recently toIdaho.
And at the time we're like, wecan't spend a lot of money on
this trip.
Like we've got some things we'retrying to do.
And so we were doing reallysimple things.
We're like, Hey, let's teach ourkids.
It is not about what you'redoing.
It's about perspective.
How you're doing it perspective.
Yeah.
So we went to the Idaho potatomuseum, went to the museum of
clean, which was literally like,they had like exhibits of vacuum
(26:43):
sweepers and things like.
It was fun though, they lovedit.
It was so much fun.
Oh my gosh, they still talkabout the Idaho Potato Museum,
they had the best baked potatoesever.
Um, I think my favorite's gottabe, so when Abby was what,
three?
We went and backpacked the TetonCrest Trail, so you basically
circumnavigate the Tetons.
(27:05):
And just was an incredibleexperience.
Love that so much.
It was besides my F bombs.
Just kidding.
There's a few of those on thattrip.
For sure.
I was in a lot of pain.
I wore the wrong size hikingboots.
They were like, what a size anda half, two small, two sizes,
too small.
I didn't know any better, but itwas a good deal on Facebook.
Um, favorite date night withkids.
(27:31):
I love this one.
I love this one too.
I'll start by saying this is oneof my goals for this year is to
be better at this.
So we do date nights with ourkids.
I have one.
You can go first though.
So I think it's really importantto take your kids individually
to do things.
We took Aspen recently toDisney, which was so, so fun.
(27:54):
It was so cool to just like pourinto her and not have to worry
about anything else.
and then Abby asked me the otherday on a mommy daughter date and
she planned the whole thing.
And she put like lights in theback of our van and laid down
blankets and a like Foammattress and we watched Gilmore
(28:14):
Girls together in the mountains.
It was so so sweet So just likeI don't even think it matters
what you're doing It justmatters like to pour into them
and spend like special time withthem In fact, I was talking
about it like oh, let's have amommy daughter date or whatever
and Bubba who's three Everest Hewas like, I want a daddy daddy
son date Is that what he said?
(28:35):
Daddy son?
He said daddy bubba date.
Daddy bubba date.
I want a daddy bubba date.
So cute.
It really doesn't matter whatyou do.
I, I, the other day wasreflecting on my childhood.
Like one of my fondest memoriesis watching Royals games with my
mom in the basement.
Like just one of my favoritememories.
(28:55):
Like, yeah, that felt sospecial.
The other one, like I have islike, I love baseball as a kid
was my mom hitting me likeground balls and the side yard
and just doing that for hours,as long as I wanted.
the one I thought of, like oneof our favorite family
traditions is yesterday.
So that movie came out a fewyears ago as our kids saw it on
media.
You're like, we're doing that.
Yeah.
(29:15):
Okay.
It's so we started, I don'tknow, four or five years ago,
every Memorial Day weekend, wepick one of the days out of that
holiday weekend and, and justlet them have a yes day.
Yeah.
So that's, if you haven't seenthat movie, go watch it.
And I would encourage you to dothat for your kids.
It's so fun.
We set a budget, their rules,like you can't do anything
permanent.
(29:35):
It can't damage anything.
but other than that, they get tojust pick the whole day.
And it's so, so fun.
Yeah, it's a blast.
It's fun to be able to say yesand not know all day.
Yeah.
Like, we don't love saying no.
We literally start at like 7like midnight.
It's so much fun.
It is so fun.
It's literally, I think theywould choose that over
Christmas, Oh, totally.
It's like their favorite day ofthe whole year.
They've asked me so many timeslately, when, when is yesterday?
(29:57):
When is Memorial Day?
I'm like, it's coming up.
Next question on here is how hasyour communication evolved since
separation till now?
Ooh, that's a good one.
Um, I'll let you go first.
I have some thoughts, but I wantto hear what you say.
I think the biggest thing, andthis is something we wanted to
(30:17):
touch on in our marriage podcastthat we just I felt like we
didn't have time to really diveinto has been just being an
integrity with one another.
like your struggles can bewhatever your struggles are, but
you have to be 100 percent openand honest.
Yeah.
And they don't even have to bestruggles.
(30:37):
It's like being honest abouteverything.
Like I spent money here anddidn't, you know what I'm
saying?
Like it can be anything or I, Idon't know.
I can't even think of anything.
But.
Just like totally honest.
It doesn't even have to be aboutstruggles, but it's like being
in integrity with yourself andthen being integrity with each
other.
I think that's probably thebiggest evolution.
(30:58):
That's actually really recent.
So that was kind of the bigoverarching theme of my first
retreat.
And my men's group was being anintegrity with yourself, with
your spouse, with the world, andthat if you're not an integrity,
then you're not going to loveyourself basically.
And it's going to rob you of thepower that you could have
otherwise.
Yeah, I love that.
(31:19):
obviously all of the things wetalked about in our marriage
episode, that's been huge forour communication, like speaking
from wounds, being able to takea step back because I was always
the person that needed to take adeep breath and you didn't, you
wanted Fix it right away.
So that's been huge too, is likeactually practicing that, not
just like learning it andletting it go.
(31:39):
Like we actually practice that.
we practice literally all thethings he's taught.
He taught us like speak, let mespeak to your heart when we come
back to each other after beingheated or I don't know, all the
things, all or nothing thinkinglike we teach our kids that even
like you're thinking you'redoing all or nothing thinking
right now, like it's not all ornothing.
It can be in the middlesomewhere, you know, I think the
(32:02):
other really big evolution too,has been just how our conflicts
transpire and unwind.
Like we've gotten so much betterat like.
Just stepping away, giving eachother space, time to process.
It used to be like our conflictswould be these like day long
things.
And now like we have some sortof day, I feel like they'd be
(32:23):
weak, even a week long.
I don't know.
We'd have some sort of conflict.
We have some sort of conflictnow though.
And it's literally, should wejust have one?
Like yesterday it was like,literally you went upstairs.
You're like, I'm frustrated.
Yeah.
I was like, cool.
I'll give you space.
And about 15 minutes later, youwent and took a bath.
You took a deep breath.
You know, we, we talked it outand so, yeah, I think just
(32:47):
realizing like what the otherperson needs, I've really
embraced meditation lately.
And so when I'm really feelinganxiety or stress or whatever it
is, I'm like, Hey, I need to gomeditate and you creating that
space for me to go in the closetand meditate for 15 minutes or
an hour or whatever it takes.
And then, you know, work throughthat emotion and then we can
(33:07):
move on with our lives and havea harmonious relationship.
Yeah.
I think it's just like everevolving to like, I think it'll
look different.
But those have been like themain themes in our communication
for sure.
And just like realizing thatyou, you're your own person.
They're their own person.
Like you can't control anything.
Like control was huge for me oflike wanting to just like
(33:31):
control every situation.
So I felt like I was safe.
And.
You just can't, you can'tcontrol the other person.
You can't really controlanything.
It's just like surrender to it.
And it's so much easier.
what still causes tension inyour marriage and how do you
resolve?
I feel like we just answeredthat, but I feel like so many,
like everything can causetension in a marriage, right?
(33:53):
It's just like random.
Yeah.
Well, there it's, I think thiskind of goes back to, to like
Mike's speaking from wounds, noteven speaking from wounds, but
his whole, Like there's issuesin a marriage or there's themes
themes in a marriage and thenthere's issues in a marriage or
how did he say it?
It's not the issues.
It's the themes behind theissues.
(34:13):
And so like, dude, literallylike, I mean, buying the wrong
type of produce from the storecould cause an issue.
I'm not saying that's somethingthat's caused an issue.
Yeah, definitely not.
I was like, what?
Okay.
I don't know, but somethingsimple could cause an issue, but
it's never that simple issue.
(34:33):
It's something behind it.
I mean, I think that's somethingI've learned or had to learn is.
Like as a fixer, you can't fixmost issues with solutions like
you would a problem at work.
It's, it's, it's deeper thanthat.
It always goes deeper.
It's like if I'm frustrated thatyou didn't help me clean the
house, it's not that you didn'thelp me clean the house.
It's that I'm feeling unseen orI'm feeling like I, I don't
(34:56):
know, does that make sense?
Like there's always a themebehind it.
It's never the issue.
Yep.
Right now I'm in an eight yearrelationship with plans to get
married, but as I've done doveinto this work within myself and
gained a new community of peoplewho are also on a healing
journey, my partner and I havebecome really disconnected.
(35:17):
This is not a shared passion.
I don't feel like I can sharewhat I learn or what I'm working
on with him.
He doesn't get it.
Doesn't have any interest intrying to mesh with these
groups.
How do you navigate relations asthey shift can both exist.
I love this question.
I think you might actually beable to answer it better, but
I'm just going to start bysaying I dove into healing
(35:40):
before you and we definitely hada, a period of our marriage
where it was very disconnectedand it was recent.
Like it was a year ago even.
Because when someone starts togrow and it feels like you're
leaving the other person behind,you can only like stretch so far
before it's going to like,Either they're going to go this
(36:03):
way or they're going to comewith you.
and so, yeah, you'll have a goodperspective on this because you
were in the other person's seat.
So it sounds like she's in myseat and you're in her fiance
seat.
Yep.
Yep.
So Ashley joined gentle warriorand I'd always told myself like,
Oh, if Ashley would fix herproblems, then I wouldn't have
(36:23):
problems.
You know, mine would justmagically go away.
Um, I took zero ownership overmy issues and my problems.
And.
Gosh, I love you.
I love you too.
But Ashley, you know, started tofix her problems through gentle
warrior and these tools andbreathwork and meditation and
just all the things that she waslearning.
(36:46):
And at first it felt kind ofhocus pocus.
And at first I had some woundsthat told me Like, oh, this
isn't going to last.
Like Ashley's made some shiftsbefore, but immediately went
back to the person she was.
But eventually I found myself infront of the mirror and realized
like, no, these, this is myshit.
These are my problems.
(37:08):
And Ashley is leaving me in thedust here.
And either I'm going to catch upor Ashley's going to say I'm I'm
beyond this person to move on.
And so I don't think I wouldhave ever said that, but who
knows.
Right.
Yeah.
And so I guess speaking to thisindividual, like.
(37:31):
I would tell you just keeptrucking along and eventually
they'll have a desire to makethose changes and they'll want
to follow you.
At least that was the case forme.
And if they don't, then youknow, right?
Like eventually, I mean, Idon't, this is a hard one
because I feel like it goes backto like control of like when,
(37:55):
I'll just give an example.
When I was like joined thehealing.
Community and started on thispath and was like fixing things
and he was still just like, no,it's you.
Right.
It was really hard.
It was really hard for me not tonot be like, just do it.
Do what I'm doing.
Like, just join a group.
Just do this.
Just do that.
Like, I wanted so badly tocontrol where you were and to
(38:18):
have you feel and think the sameway I was and you were not there
yet.
You weren't ready.
And so what was Most beneficialfor me was to surrender that and
let go of that control and justbe okay with where he was and be
like, you know what, this iswhere he's at.
I'm just going to focus on meand worry about my healing and
keep doing what I'm doing.
(38:39):
And he'll figure it out forhimself.
And he did.
It's like, once we let go ofthat control, it like opens up
for the other person to be like,Oh, Wait, I love you.
I want to come.
I want to be a part of this.
Yeah.
You know, and you can't, youcan't force people either.
No, that has the oppositeeffect.
Yeah, totally.
So when you say can both exist,I think they can.
(39:01):
And they did for us.
Like it was me and gentlewarrior and you like, meh, this
is weird.
The stuff you're talking aboutdoesn't really resonate.
It was really scary for me as toas well.
I remember I think we were goingto whitefish and having
conversation around the thingsyou were learning in gentle
warrior and kind of like, Hey,are you going to join me or not?
(39:23):
And you just being like, dude,this is scary.
Like there, there's a whole sideof myself that I haven't faced
Since I was a kid that I've putin a closet and just ignored and
lived a life out of complacencyand fear of change.
Like it's really scary to facethe unknown and not know what's
(39:47):
behind that door.
And it took, it took some timefor me to muster the courage to
finally be willing to, you know,take a step off the cliff.
And to dive in.
And once I did though, I wouldsay that I, I've, I've dove in
fully, totally.
Um, I was going to say alsosomething I didn't expect in the
(40:08):
journey of both of us healing iswhen he did step up, I got
scared.
It was like, Oh wait, is hegoing to leave me behind now?
Like I got scared too.
So I think it can switch backand forth.
Like I think that like, it wasinteresting because I, I
(40:28):
suddenly knew what he felt likewhen I was, when I had done it
first, like I was like, Oh, thisis what he felt like.
Like, it is scary.
It's scary to feel like you'regoing to be left behind.
It's also scary to want to stepup and face your shit.
It's hard.
Like that's hard work.
There's no going back from that.
Once you know, you know, youcan't look, you can't unsee it,
you know?
(40:49):
So I just encourage you to keepbeing you, and shining your
light and surrendering thecontrol and just give it time.
One more thing I'd say too is wejust be patient, like I, you
know, through our first 10 yearsof marriage, like always saw you
for who you really were and sawyour divine potential.
(41:11):
Yeah.
And you've obviously seen thatin this person if you've been
with them for eight years.
Yeah.
So just be patient.
Like an eight year relationshipisn't worth blowing up just
because.
Your person's not quite ready.
Yeah.
Well, that's great advice.
how do you teach your kids toregulate their emotions?
(41:32):
I love this one.
I'll let you answer this one.
You're definitely, youdefinitely do the way on this
one.
so it's interesting because thishas been really hard for me.
when you grow up and don't, youdon't learn how to regulate your
own emotions and then you becomean adult and you don't know how
to regulate your emotions.
And then you have kids and theyhave meltdowns.
You're like, uh, I have no ideawhat to do.
(41:53):
It triggered me so bad.
Like my kids would cry and Iwould like blackout.
Like I was so triggered, like hecan attest, like I would have to
leave the room, like I couldnot, I was like, I can't, I
can't, I cannot do it, like itwas so bad, now they cry and I'm
like, yes, but it's what, sowhat I'm trying to say is like,
(42:16):
Be patient with yourself.
Have grace with yourself.
kids are our greatest mirror andthis has been really hard for
me.
and I think it's just baby stepsand I think it's also like as I
learned to regulate my emotionsand they see that, they start to
mirror that back and they startto realize how to do that.
In fact, like, I'll always saylike, you're allowed to cry.
Right.
And if I'll have a moment withAspen where I'm like, stop
(42:38):
crying.
She's like, I'm allowed to cry.
And I'm like, you're right.
Like she'll call me out.
And I love that.
I love that.
Like we have set that precedencefor them where they will tell us
like, actually, no, you'vetaught me that I can do this.
You know, it's been really cool.
Aspen, we got an email fromAspen's teacher.
No, it was parent teacherconferences.
And she got on and she saidlike, Aspen is one of the best
(42:59):
people at talking about heremotions.
Like she will be in class andshe'll be doing a math problem
and she'll be like, I am sofrustrated.
I need to go take a deep breath.
And she's like, she'll walk tothe corner, take three deep
breaths, do some twirl balletspins, come back and be like,
okay, let's try again.
And like, keep going.
She's like, she just perseveresand, but she's, she will.
(43:20):
Say her emotions out loud andnot be afraid to tell me how
she's feeling and like goregulate and come back.
And I think like that's mygreatest win as a mom.
Like if I can teach my kids thatlike they, I'm getting emotional
because I'm like they're so farahead of me in that space.
Like I am so thankful.
Yeah, so I just think it's likelearning to regulate your own
(43:42):
emotions and being able to holdspace for your kids emotions
when they feel big emotions andtell them things like it's okay
to cry.
It's actually okay if you'reupset with me, you can be mad at
me.
If you didn't like that, do youneed a hug?
Like just, just feeling intothat.
And like, I always, I love thequote.
That's like, be who you neededwhen you were a child.
Cause that's really what it is.
(44:02):
It's just like, as you learn toregulate your own emotions and
heal your inner child, it likeheals your child that's in front
of you as well.
I think too, like with Abby,Abby's.
Difficult right now.
She's in the preteen, she's veryproud of that, that I'm a tween,
but it's just like, it doesn'talways feel like those lessons
(44:27):
are taking.
But just being consistent, like,Hey, sis, we've got to talk
about what we're feeling.
We've got to do this.
And then you'll see it.
Click.
Yeah.
And I look back to being a kidtoo.
And like, I still rememberlessons that I was taught as a
kid.
And I'm sure at the time myparents like, this is, this is
pointless.
Why am I having thisconversation?
But yeah, I heard them.
Totally.
(44:47):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that because it gives youperspective too, because in the
moment it's like, are they evenlistening?
Like, do they even hear me?
They're still struggling withthe same problem, but then one
day it does click and you'relike, Oh, wait, they're way
better than they used to be.
They, they're starting to learnhow to regulate, you know?
It's cool.
And I think just allowing thatall the emotions to be Like
allowing the space for that andnot judging them or putting
(45:10):
shame to them and just beinglike, you know what, if that's
how you feel, like you'reallowed to feel that way because
society already teaches emotionsare negative or there's certain
emotions that are negative.
And I hate that.
Like, let's actually teach themthat we're human.
And this is a human experience.
And these emotions are normal.
And, oh, you feel angry rightnow.
You should, that's your bodyshowing up for you.
(45:31):
You know,.
So last question.
Yeah.
How do you set healthyboundaries in your relationship?
Okay, I love this one because Iremember going into Gentle
Warrior and thinking like, myboundaries are my boundaries and
like, you can't break them.
And like, it was like this verylike controlled environment.
(45:51):
And I'll never forget when Tarynwas like, boundaries aren't
about another person, they'reabout yourself.
And I was like, um, excuse me,what?
Like she taught us and it's sobeautiful that boundaries are
really about ourselves and weset boundaries with ourselves.
We don't set boundaries withother people.
We don't say, Hey, that's myboundary.
You crossed it.
Like that's, well, you can havethose conversations, but what
(46:14):
I'm trying to say is like, I'lltry to give an example, like say
that I have someone in my spacefive times in a week, but I know
that that person being in myspace five times a week isn't
good for me, but I did itanyway.
That's me breaking my ownboundary.
That's not on them.
Because I had set a boundary.
I had known that they weren't,shouldn't be in my space for
(46:34):
five days out of the week and Ilet them anyway.
That's on me.
That's a moment for me to lookand go, okay, I didn't hold my
boundaries with myself.
I should have said no.
And next time I know now, doesthat make sense?
Yeah.
It, this is something that Ifeel like I'm, I'm still kind of
learning.
And it's, it's definitely recentto me, but something, what I've
(46:56):
learned recently is like,there's like, is there really
even a such thing as healthyboundaries and a relationship
because you can't place those onother people.
Like you said, it really comesdown to you and your
expectations and like justtalking through things.
Like, I love that you saidexpectations.
(47:16):
Yeah.
Cause that's really what it is,right?
It's like we've been where we, alot of society teaches like
boundaries are like, it's reallyjust expectations and disguises
boundaries.
They're not actually boundaries,their expectations.
And then you have theseexpectations on people and
that's not fair.
Like you can't have expectationson people.
You're just always going to bedisappointed because if a person
(47:39):
doesn't live up to thoseexpectations, which they don't
have any like obligation to doso, right, then.
You're going to be disappointedand your boundaries are going to
be broken.
If that's what your boundariesare.
I do think there are things in arelationship and I don't even
know if you would call themboundaries, but cause I feel
(47:59):
like I'm still learning thistoo.
Like, this is something thatTaryn has taught us and done a
great job at, but it's somethingthat I just like constantly.
I'm like, that's interesting.
Like, I can't, I think it goesdeeper, but I think in a
relationship, like.
There are things you can agreethat are boundaries together,
like we're not okay with hurtingeach other.
Like, you know, like there's,there's a mutual understanding
(48:21):
or like rules if you want tosay, and those can be broken and
those are like, that's adifferent conversation.
But when you're puttingboundaries, like if I told Nick,
like you can't drink soda, itmakes me uncomfortable.
You can't ride your dirt bike.
I'm afraid you're going to gethurt.
Like, that's not okay.
If we've come to a mutualagreement, we've talked through
this and like, he's like, youknow what, it's not worth, like,
(48:43):
that's different.
But if I'm just like, you can'thave that hobby.
Cause it makes me uncomfortable.
Like that's control.
That's not okay.
And that's not a boundary.
If that makes sense.
Yeah, I don't know.
No, I think that's great.
Like you said, I thinkboundaries are really something
mutual.
It can't be something you justsay, Hey, you can't do this.
It doesn't make me feel safe.
Yeah.
it has to be a mutual thing.
(49:04):
Otherwise it comes down toexpectations and.
Making sure you both have arealigned and what the
expectations are and what theyshould be, but also things
change.
Life changes.
Oh yeah.
Boundaries always change.
Like they're not a set in stone.
They are fluid.
They can totally change and theyshould be within yourself of
like, that made meuncomfortable.
(49:26):
Now I know next time to not putmyself in that situation or
whatever that looks like, likethey really are something that
it's inside yourself.
And that like blew my mind andchanged my perspective.
And now I don't do that.
I don't do the, like, that's aboundary that you broke, you
know?
I don't know if that's helpful.
Hopefully.
Cool.
So last question, I know off thescript here, I just, I'd love
(49:53):
for you to talk more, like I'mobsessed with you.
You're my hero.
I'm so proud of you and whatyou're doing with eighth wonder.
Like, what are your, like youraspirations?
What are your wildest dreamswith like eighth wonder?
Where would you love to see itgo?
Do I have to speak these outloud?
You guys, he's trying to make memanifest here.
(50:14):
Call me out.
I mean, my biggest desire is tohelp people, right?
Like I want the podcast.
To be accessible to people thatneed it.
I want it to go into the handsof people that need healing or
need to be proud of wherethey're at or need to feel less
alone or all the things I'vesaid.
(50:35):
Like I think that the humanexperience is really hard and I
remember like growing up andfeeling so alone.
Like so alone in my experience.
And now I'm like, I was not,there are so many people,
everyone has a story.
Everyone has experiencedsomething hard for them.
And there's no comp, like wedon't have to compare stories.
(50:57):
We don't have to say mine washard.
Like that.
It's none of that.
It's like everybody has, is justtrying their best.
They've all been through reallyhard things that were super hard
for them.
And, um, I want people tounderstand that and I want
people to like feel loved andaccepted and to feel hope that
they can get through it andbecome who they want to be
(51:20):
because nobody wants to bemiserable and lonely and stuck
in this like cycle of like shameand judgment and it's the worst
place to be.
And so for me, it's like, I justwant it to go out into the world
and touch the people that itneeds to.
That's my biggest aspiration.
I love that.
I love you.
I'm so proud of you.
(51:40):
Thank you.
Thank you so much guys for beingvulnerable enough to ask us
questions.
I really appreciate it and Ihope this was helpful and I'm so
excited for the guest next week.
You guys, she's amazing anduntil next time.
Yeah.
I'm super excited for next week.
She's never told her story.
(52:00):
I'm so excited.
It is awesome.
I'm honored.
Thank you so much for taking thetime to listen.
It means the world to me.
If you liked this episode,please subscribe, leave a
review, and share on Instagram.
If you're not following us,follow at eighthwonderdesigns,
and remember, be proud of whereyou're at.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.