April 23, 2024 • 52 mins
In this episode I talk with the one and only @_janeciaahl_ about her trying past. This is a story that truly must be heard, Janeciah has had a life filled with loss, grief, and trauma. But in the end has never waivered in her divine calling to over come, and break the cycles in her family tree. Janeciah is Truly an 8th Wonder!
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Episode Transcript
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(00:38):
Hello and welcome to the 8thwonder podcast.
Inspiring you to be proud ofwhere you're at one story at a
time.
I'm your host Ashley.
Let's get started.
Welcome to Episode 6.
We have the beautiful Janiciahere, or Jay, as she lets some
people call her.
Yay! I'm so excited.
Hi! I'm so excited that you'rehere.
Me too, thank you for having me.
(00:58):
Yeah, I'm so excited for you totell your story.
It's really inspiring.
I've wanted to do it for so longand it just hasn't I haven't had
the opportunity and Jimmy gaveme the opportunity at that event
and I was terrified, shaking,trembling the entire time, but
I'm glad it's more intimate.
Yeah.
Nick said you were amazingthough.
(01:19):
Like he came back and that wasone of the first things he told
me was there's this girl at theretreat that shared her story
and it was so beautiful.
So you did great even if you arenervous.
I'm glad not everyone was like,She, what is she doing?
No, we're the hardest onourselves.
so let's just start.
I want you to tell your story,how you've overcome.
(01:41):
but let's start just with yourchildhood and we'll go from
there.
I was born into an insane familyand I love my family so much,
but it was pretty gnarly.
Um, my mom had me at 20 and myoldest brother at 17.
And.
She wasn't the healthiest.
(02:04):
I mean, my dad got her intothings that she shouldn't have
gotten into and I don't thinkher intentions were wanting to
get to that point, but, she gotinto Oxycontin and it kind of
spiraled from there.
Um, when I was just six monthsold, I found out that I had
(02:24):
febrile seizures because my momand dad got in a huge fight and
left me in the car at six monthsand I ended up just going into a
seizure because my bodytemperature spiked so high and I
ended up getting life flightedand while we were in the
helicopter, my grandpa's, I wasraised semi Mormon, semi not
(02:48):
Mormon, he said to the pilot, Iwill not let you take off until
I give my granddaughter ablessing.
And to me, I never reallybelieved in blessings until I
was told this story over andover again.
And I think my grandparents werelike, no, it's real.
Yeah, hear me out.
(03:09):
but he gave me a blessing.
And he said, In the helicopter,I ended up dying, like
completely.
My heart rate stopped.
I just was gone.
And as we were landing, I cameback to life.
And to me, I'm only starting offwith this because I think
something happened to my tiny,tiny little body while I was in
(03:31):
the helicopter of, I don't knowhow this thought came to me, but
I was like, I feel like they.
He gave me this blessing and apart of his life so I could
live.
Um, my grandpa ended up passingaway in 2016 from pancreatic
cancer, and it was devastatingto me and my entire family.
(03:55):
I'm starting there because fromhere, it just skyrockets into
another, another universe, but,um, so after that happened, my
mom was in and out of rehab,trying to get healthy, trying to
get back on our feet so shecould gain custody of us, and so
thankful for her for that,because it's taught me a lot.
(04:17):
Now, teaching at a recoverycenter to see How much she's
overcome and just like thebadassery that has gone into
that.
who were you with?
Who had custody of you at thispoint?
So at this point, it was mygrandparents.
Okay.
My mom's mom and then herremarried husband.
Okay.
(04:37):
and so I was kind of picked allover so I'd be there and then
I'd go back with my mom and thenI'd go with another set of
grandparents and then I'd golive, live and stay with an aunt
or a friend and I never had astability or a place to call
home and it caused a lot ofstress on me as a child.
Can't even imagine.
Yeah, While I was living at mygrandparents house, my brother,
(05:02):
he was so young to this day Istill can't comprehend how or
why he got to this point andit's probably because my father,
I don't like to call him myfather because he wasn't ever
really present in my life.
But, I ended up getting raped bymy oldest brother, and he was
12, and I was tiny, I was like7.
(05:24):
And, it was me and my cousin,but, he brought us into his
bedroom, and he was like, let'splay forts.
And, we were building this fort,it was so much fun, and then He
ended up telling us we had totake our clothes off as we were
in that transition or whatever.
(05:45):
He was older than us.
So we thought he knew we'd yeah,totally.
You just trust people like thatyou that you love in your life,
especially as a child.
You just trust them.
Exactly.
And my aunt who is also livingthere because she was young, it
was her actual parents.
She goes, I don't thinksomething's right in there.
And so he left and he was like,I need some water.
(06:07):
And opened the door and she cameand snuck under the bed.
Oh, wow.
And he came back in and startedwith my cousin first and did his
thing with her.
And.
I have a hard time not knowingwhy she didn't come out sooner,
(06:27):
but then it got to me, and shepopped out of, from underneath
the bed and was like, what the,what the hell are you doing?
Yeah.
Like, what is going on?
And called the cops, and thecops came, he ended up getting
handcuffed and taken away.
And in that moment, I remember Ifelt guilty because he was the
(06:49):
one being taken away.
I didn't feel guilty for myselfof like what had just happened
to me.
I didn't feel any of thosethoughts.
It was no, like I lost my olderbrother.
Yeah.
And this is my fault because itwas happening to me.
So that ended up happening and.
(07:10):
It really did affect the wayolder, the older I get, it
affected the way I viewsexuality.
100 percent And I was like, am Igay?
No, I totally get that.
I'm not gay.
Yeah.
I had all of these questions of,is this how all men are?
Is this what love is?
I questioned my worth ofhumanity all in general.
(07:34):
And, Then, the older I got, themore I went to therapy and
healed myself a little bit, andI was like, no, that is not what
love is.
And that is not how any womanshould be treated, and they
shouldn't feel like it's theirfault when they get sexually
abused.
Yeah, totally.
It's not.
And a lot of women don't speakup on it.
(07:56):
They don't because it's soscary.
Nobody, well, not nobody, butlots of people don't aren't
believed and that's so hard.
It is so terrifying.
And you're like, well, they'renot going to believe me.
They are going to resent me.
Yep.
They're going to get in trouble.
Yeah.
They're going to get in troubleand I'm going to have to be
around them all the time withthis hurt in my heart and nobody
(08:18):
understands.
Yeah, totally.
And I, Now I know that a lot ofwomen, especially in Utah, I'm
surprised, understand thatfeeling, especially by family.
Did it disconnect you from yourbody?
Like, for me, that's, it like,made me totally disconnected
from my body.
Like, I, even in a way wherelike, I would feel pain, but it
(08:38):
wasn't like I didn't even like,I almost disassociate from the
feelings.
And so I like, wouldn't even,you'll be like, isn't that
really painful?
I'm like, it's fine.
Like just completelydisassociated from that.
So just curious if that, that'show it happened for you.
Yeah.
It took that self awareness awayfrom me, I think of just, When
(09:00):
people, for example, when peopleare on drugs, they're like, I
feel this, this, and this, andthis.
And for me, it was like, no, Ifeel normal.
Yeah.
I feel fine.
Totally.
Yeah.
And really deep inside where Idid like fake orgasms, which a
lot of women do that.
Yeah.
I was just like, I don't knowwhat that feels like.
(09:21):
Yeah.
I've never felt that before.
I don't feel safe in my body.
So I'm just gonna show up how Iknow best.
Yeah.
Totally.
And how they want me to.
Yep.
Being that people pleaser wherethey want me to act like this so
I'm gonna act like this.
Yeah.
Totally.
But yeah, it was, um, he endedup going to live with my grandma
and grandpa, the one who passedaway of pancreatic cancer, and I
(09:44):
stayed with my grandma andgrandpa, my mom's mom, and her
remarried husband.
Um, I think I had a beautifullife from then on out.
When I was eight, I, I found outa terrible way.
I was lied to.
(10:04):
I was completely devastated whenI found this out.
But when I was eight, I, I wouldcall my mom every day, even
though she was getting helpgoing through rehab, like I knew
I was gonna go back home soon.
And We had a trip planned thatOctober to go to Disneyland
(10:26):
altogether, and I've never goneto Disneyland with my mom, and
so for me, I was like, Oh,Disney! So excited, yeah.
So excited, and She ended upgoing into a coma.
Oh my goodness.
Um, she overdosed, went into acoma.
She was in a coma for a week atthis point.
And I was like, my whole familyis bawling.
(10:48):
And talking about funeral stuffand talking about all this
stuff.
And I was like, what are youtalking about?
Like, what is going on?
And my grandma says, Oh, it'sjust your great grandma.
And I was like, okay, me as alittle one, grandma is, you kind
of expect, they've lived a greatlife.
(11:10):
They've had that experience.
And to me, I was like, I, deepin my gut, I know that's not my
great grandma, but I'm justgoing to roll with it because I
trust you.
Yeah.
another week goes by and myother grandma says, You need to
tell her, like, you need to tellthe kids what's about to happen,
(11:34):
like, what's going on.
And, so they finally told me,and they were like, your mom's
in a coma, we don't think she'sgonna make it.
And, I just broke down.
I couldn't cry.
I was just in shock, I had noemotion, and I walked outside
(11:56):
and got on one of those littleswivel scooters and was just
riding around because I didn'tknow what to do.
Yeah.
My emotion was just shock.
Yeah.
And.
It goes back to the likedisassociating, like, like
that's, as kids, that's how weprotect ourselves.
We just like step away.
We're like, Oh, that's too much.
I can't handle that.
That's exactly what I felt.
(12:16):
Yeah.
And.
Then she, they took me to thehospital and I walked in and my
mom was connected to all ofthese tubes and it freaked me
out.
Oh yeah.
I was like, I can't even imaginewhat the Fs is going on.
Yeah.
And her toes were all paintedperfect, her nails were painted,
(12:36):
and you could tell that myfamily's been there for a while
and I got taken, I got robbedfrom that experience.
Yeah.
I felt like.
Yeah.
Um, and in a coma, I don't knowif you've ever had that
experience, but in a coma, youcan feel, you can cry, but you
just can't talk.
So half your brain is shut offand you just are kind of limp.
(12:58):
Yeah.
And I walked in and her wholebody was swollen.
I gave her a hug and I juststarted bawling, like screaming,
hysterical, like, what ishappening?
Why are you, what's going on?
And.
I hugged her and wouldn't letgo, just bawling, and I looked
at her face and just tearsstarted streaming from her face.
(13:23):
And at this point, my wholefamily knew that they had to
unplug and rip the cord so shecould go on and live a better
life, and so she wouldn't be avegetable.
And so that was my last goodbye,seeing her connected to all of
these tubes, just, uh, Andbarely knowing what was going on
(13:44):
because no one had told you.
So my aunt and my grandma tookme from that room and they were
like, let's go get you asmoothie or something to eat.
And I was like, Oh, no, thankyou.
Seriously.
But no, thank you.
Yeah.
So we went into a shop, andthere was these beautiful
necklaces, and they said like,mother, sister, daughter,
(14:07):
whatever.
And it had a purple band aroundit, and leather, and she was
like, here, I'm gonna get us allof these necklaces, and we can
wear them, whatever.
And that was pretty cool.
The last time, and as we walkedout of the shop, she looked out
the window and the clouds werecoming out from under, or from
behind the sun.
(14:29):
And she was like, do you seethat?
And it was just glowing, likethe rays were shooting into the
clouds.
And I was like, yeah.
And she goes, the gates haveopened.
Your mom is going on.
She's in a much better placenow.
And I was just like, ah, I can'texpress that feeling I felt to
(14:49):
this day.
It was just disbelief.
Like, who do I trust?
Who do I count on?
Oh, I can't, yeah.
And then.
Nobody was honest with me, like,and I'm just being told this
right now and I could have hadthese moments, like, I just
can't even imagine that.
And at eight years old, like,that's so much for an eight year
(15:10):
old to process.
I have an eight year olddaughter and I'm just thinking
like, I can't imagine.
Her trying to process that andlike, let's go get a smoothie.
And like, now your mom's likeall in one day.
Like that is so much.
Yeah.
And I missed school for a month.
I got pulled out and I justcouldn't do it.
And I couldn't take all of myfriends were.
(15:32):
LDS, we're in the church, andwith someone who suffers from
addiction, and who passes fromthat, our family got so much
judgment from our ward, fromthat space, where it was like,
And I had questions of, well, ifshe sins, yeah, then where does
(15:56):
she go?
Oh, and it's not heaven.
Oh, that's so heavy.
You have to be perfect.
And then everyone was like,well, once they pass, they can
have the choice to forgive oryou can like go on from there,
right?
Yeah.
And I was just like, no, no.
And they'd bring us food.
(16:17):
And I was like, no, no flowers.
Aren't going to bring anyone.
You're not going to bring yourfamily back.
And so the best thing for me wasjust spending time with people,
distracting myself, going out,being with nature, trying to
reconnect that piece of myself.
(16:38):
Did you know at that point,because you were eight, did you
know your mom was strugglingwith addiction?
I mean, I had an idea justbecause we were back and forth,
back and forth, we never hadstability.
Yeah.
So I had the idea, yeah, but Ididn't know.
What that meant, really.
Yeah, and I didn't know it was adisease, and I didn't know how
(17:00):
much it affected people.
Yeah.
So.
Well, I think that's even stillmisunderstood.
Like I think society is gettingbetter, but also like there is
so much judgment involved whenit comes to addiction.
And it's like, dude, why are wejudging?
Like they're fighting, they'retrying their very best and
they're fighting somethingreally hard.
(17:20):
Like we should have compassion,not judgment.
And I think everybody is doingtheir best is what they're
capable in that moment.
Of in that moment.
So I've kept that with me everytime.
I'm like, why am I being so hardon myself?
I'm doing my best.
Yeah, I love that.
But yeah, um, so did you go toher funeral?
(17:42):
I went to her funeral and atthis point my dad had been so
far out of our lives that He'djust kind of gone.
Yeah, and When I get there, weall looked so cute and all in
matching dresses.
Yeah, just ready for it and inthe back of my mom's funeral or
(18:10):
Viewing my dad was sitting theresobbing and my whole family was
like, what is he doing here?
He doesn't deserve to be herelike through all the hurt and
pain.
He caused her He was superabusive like growing up.
We were We lived in a cute placein South Jordan in a condo and
he ended up trying to kidnap meand my mom super protective
(18:35):
mother bear instincts kicked inand she Ran after and grabbed
onto my hand in a moving car.
Oh my gosh She was holding on tothe car and he was going 40
miles per hour.
Just dragging her She almostdied then from road rash.
Oh my goodness.
Just Terrible stuff like that.
(18:55):
Yeah.
Yeah, so The funeral I feel likewas very peaceful except for
that moment.
Yeah, I was like, why are youhere?
Yeah, that would be so hard.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
Um But after I lost my mom, Ithink I was longing for a mother
(19:15):
figure I was longing for thatconnection with another person
who I could tell everything tohave that close relationship
with And my aunt, Jenny, she wasmy uncle's wife.
Um, school teacher, she taughtme preschool.
She ended up moving on to firstgrade and was amazing.
(19:38):
Like, got me into Young Women'sagain.
Just got me into all of thesegreat things that I never
thought I was capable of before.
And, Um, I'd help her set up herclassroom every year.
I had helped her just getadjusted and all of that.
And it was my favorite thing todo.
And in 2016, I lost her and herdaughter, Brooklyn.
(20:04):
We have a timeshare in Bear Lakeand they were out enjoying their
time.
And.
All of a sudden I get a call andthey're like, Jenny in Brooklyn
passed away.
And I was like, No.
Oh, stabbed to the heart.
Seriously.
I'm shaking right now becausethat feeling just never fully
(20:27):
goes away.
It doesn't.
It lives in you.
Yeah.
And every time I get a call, Ihate getting calls.
Oh, I can't even, I know.
I can't even imagine.
No, don't call me unsolicitedbecause I think someone's dead.
Yeah, it's fair.
That's a fair, valid response.
Um, but I got that call and Iwas at my best friend's house at
(20:50):
that time.
And I'm like, how old were youhere?
I was 16.
Okay.
so I get that call and I'm justlike in shambles, devastated,
broken, Um, they were like, doyou want to go like go down
there?
And I was like, I don't know.
Yeah I don't know if I could dothat.
Whatever Um, anyway, it tookthem about I think five hours to
(21:17):
find brooklyn after she haddrowned so both of them drowned
and What had happened isBrooklyn and her cousin Kate
were on a little tube and it haddrifted out because in Bear
Lake, if anyone's been there,there's so much wind.
Oh yeah, there is just come outof nowhere.
(21:40):
Yeah.
Pushes you out.
Totally.
And if you were to know myuncle, he is so safe and such an
advocate for safety.
And he's the type of person youget in the car seatbelts.
Oh yeah.
Go swimming life jacket.
Yeah.
That kind of guy.
And, so her and Kate were on atube.
(22:03):
Kate has a halo that screwedinto her head to like help her
jawline or whatever.
And all of a sudden the windpicks up and they get drifted
and they're just talking,playing.
Nobody knows like, yeah.
And Jenny goes, you guys are waytoo far.
You guys have to start comingback now.
Like you're getting way too far.
And Kate realized, Oh shoot, I'm50 yards out.
(22:28):
And started panicking and fellinto the water and she can't get
her halo wet.
So Brooklyn's kind little heartjumps in after her and holds her
up.
Oh my goodness.
And as she's drowning, holdingher above water so she was okay.
And it's just risking your lifefor someone else.
(22:49):
Or sacrifice.
Yeah.
And Brooklyn ended up goingunder and they didn't find her
for like five hours after shewent under.
Jenny.
Ended up going out this wholetime.
Josh was finding goggles forthem so they can see under the
water and see what was going on.
And, so Jenny starts running outand she's diving for Brooklyn,
(23:13):
like just frantic at this point.
And She ends up not being ableto do it anymore, runs out of
all energy and goes under withher.
That was hard.
Yeah.
I am shaking right now, just thefeelings of that.
Being brought up and she's yourmother figure at this point,
(23:35):
right?
So to me, I'm like I lost bothmy mom's I lost my little
sister.
Yeah felt like and Yeah, I havelike no family back at home
either except for mygrandparents who I can't trust
at this point yeah, and Yeah,and so we get to the funeral
(24:00):
part and I grew up always doingBrooklyn's hair like these Super
crazy braids just so drastic andshe loved it So cute, and so
they asked me do you want to?
Get them ready, like do theirhair.
And I was like, ah, so scary.
(24:22):
I don't know if I could do likein my 16 year old mind, a dead
person's hair.
Yeah, totally.
That is scary.
Yeah.
Do you want a blanket?
Do you want a blanket?
Would that help?
You can have this one so youdon't have to.
It's a little cold down here,but also it might be a trauma.
Like I get a shake for my traumawhen I talk about my trauma.
(24:44):
I'm like, why am I shaking?
I'm not like nervous.
Yeah, no, I totally get it.
Yeah, it does.
Sorry.
Go ahead.
Um, So that ended up passing onand did you do their hair?
I did their hair.
OK.
And they ended up getting buriedright next to each other.
(25:06):
So they were kind of stackedlike.
cuddling each other and it wasprecious, but at the same time
I'm like, oh, but, um, we getpast that.
And then, so before they passedaway, my grandpa passed away
that same year from pancreaticcancer.
(25:26):
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
And then that happens.
And then a few months later, myaunt, she was trying to get
custody of her son at the time,and the dad was crazy.
Like, nuts.
And they were in court for it,and She ended up, she was like,
(25:48):
no, I'm fighting until the veryend and she was on her way to
work one day and he knew whereshe lived and followed her and
at that first stoplight right byher neighborhood gets out of his
truck.
Comes up to her window andshoots her in the head three
times with a shotgun.
Oh my gosh.
And so at this point, me and myfamily are like, Can we get a
(26:11):
freaking break?
Like literally.
Like what?
Do we have just this curse onus?
Like how do we break it?
And you're 16 still?
Is this?
It's all in 2016.
Oh my goodness.
And who's who are you with atthis point?
Um, I was back with mygrandparents.
Okay.
Yeah.
(26:31):
And So then a thought in myhead, I was like, I, since my
mom witnessed domestic violence,like it was all over in our
family.
I was like, maybe I need to gointo domestic violence therapy.
Yeah.
Nope.
Way too triggering.
I can't even.
Yeah.
No, not for me.
(26:52):
Not for me.
But that happens.
Everything's great.
I feel like Loss togetherbrought our family closer
together because you don't knowwhen the last time you'll be
able to see someone is Yeah, sothat happens and then I get in
so much trouble my junior yearI'm 17 trying to tackle the
(27:17):
hardest year of high school andoh my gosh And you've had all of
this stuff recently happen.
Like I just can't even imaginetrying to Operate in a day to
day life after all of that.
It's so much Little me too, andI am such a perfectionist and I
Would lay my outfits out everysingle night and my grandparents
(27:40):
were like, oh, we don't have toworry about you Yeah, i'm like
no i'm trying to be so perfect.
Yeah because of all this shit.
This is a coping mechanism Likeyeah Read the room No, they
couldn't no, of course, yeah um,but I got in a ton of trouble
and I don't know if this isappropriate to say on podcast,
(28:02):
but I did get into like somedrugs.
I got into, you can say whateveryou want on the podcast.
I started smoking weed, a lot ofweed.
I started sloughing school.
I started drinking.
And prior to this, I was Mormon.
Like that was not in my book whoI wanted to be.
(28:24):
And I just got in the wrongcrowd.
And And honestly, like melooking in, it makes so much
sense, right?
It's like, let's numb thesefeelings.
Like there are so big and like,so in your body.
And like, if you don't have thetools, like you're going to find
tools that work and those workfor people.
It do serve like they serve atsome point.
Right.
(28:44):
Until they don't work anymore,but this, this thing is giving
me friends, some type ofcloseness, connection,
connection, totally.
And after that year had passed,I was like, this is not who I
am.
This is not who I want to be.
I need to transfer schools.
(29:04):
And so I transferred schoolsthat year and.
Um, I got through the transfer,they accepted me, all of that
kind of stuff.
And when I turned 17, I gotkicked out of my grandparents
house.
And I think all of their anger,resentment, just, grief brings
(29:24):
anger, grief brings pain.
And grief makes you do thingsthat you didn't think you were
capable of doing.
Especially when you don't dealwith that grief.
When you like bury it and likeit just festers, yeah, it's
gonna bring up stuff for sure.
And so I became the troubledchild, which I never was.
And I got kicked out.
(29:45):
And at this point I've been anall star cheer most of my life.
So super competitive, superfamily orientated.
And this family, I'll, I do wantto say their name on here, but
the Olsons, they didn't evenknow me, didn't know who I was,
(30:06):
what I stood for, what any of myvalues were.
And they.
Granted, they'd also lost theirmom.
And so having that empathy forme, um, their dad just took me
in, paid for my car fixes, paidfor my gas, helped me through
everything.
Everything.
(30:28):
I wouldn't have graduated if itweren't for that family.
I ended my senior year with a 3.
8.
Wow.
Just like blew it out of thewater.
Yeah.
I was like, wow, where did thiscome from?
I'm pretty cool.
Um.
That is actually, let's take amoment and celebrate that.
I didn't know.
Cause that's actually huge.
(30:48):
All of the stuff, like you hadevery odd stacked against you.
For you to even finish highschool is incredible.
And then for you to finish withthat high of a G like that's,
you should be so proud ofyourself.
That's bad ass.
It was bad ass, but I take thatmoment of celebration and I look
back to my junior year when Iwas getting in trouble and hurt
(31:11):
me fake asking people tohomecoming because my boyfriend
cheated on me.
Like the kind of person I was.
Yeah.
And I got called into theprincipal's office for fake
asking someone to homecoming.
And she goes, like, Tell meabout yourself.
What is going on with you?
Her name was Mrs.
M'Baku.
We did not get along very well.
(31:34):
And so I, my whole life has beenan open book.
I've never felt like I've neededto carry anything with me as
long as I needed to.
So I told her everything and shesays to me, wow, I'm surprised
you're not roaming the street,shooting up the street, shooting
up schools.
Like, I'm surprised you're notpretty much a villain.
(31:59):
And I was just like, give graceto anyone who has her.
And she, her husband was alawyer.
Her kids were in law school.
She was a principal, whatever.
She had this put together life.
She had a different perspectivefor sure.
And I was just like, yeah, I'mnot, am I supposed to be proud
(32:22):
of that?
Because I feel like anyone whogoes through hurt should know
that there's a better way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, I then, after I got kickedout, I disconnected myself from
my entire family, almost.
I.
Disconnected myself from mymom's parents, um, almost
(32:44):
everyone because they had thistype of love where I give you
something and I'll dangle itover your head and I expect
something in return.
It's control.
Yeah.
Totally.
And to me, control is not love.
No.
Freedom is love.
Yeah.
Freedom is the truest form oflove in my opinion.
Totally.
(33:05):
Um, and so I was just like, Idon't need you.
They ended up taking my car thatI was paying for, my phone, my
Wii, Like just all the stuffthat made you brought you
happiness.
Yeah, they took it all away andI was just like, Hey, take it.
That stuff will always comeback.
(33:26):
But the piece that I feel in myheart that is not all the time
certain.
Yeah.
And so I said, take it, but Idon't want to speak to any of
you really long time because Ineed to cope with this.
I need to heal from this.
And as much as I love you and Ineed my family and I know how
much life is important.
(33:48):
I don't need this in my life.
That doesn't serve anyone, youor them to be treating you like
that.
Yeah.
And so I cut everyone out.
I went into yoga training, gotyoga certified.
I.
started going to therapy and shewas a trauma certified therapist
(34:09):
who I adore so much.
Um, but she taught me what mybrain was doing and when you are
in a super traumatic experience,Through all of those
experiences, it changes yourbrain and how it lights up and
all of the cognitive thinking.
Yeah.
It's completely different.
Totally different.
(34:29):
Yeah.
So I just went on this hugehealing journey and I'm so
thankful for it.
And it took me, I justreconnected with my family this
year.
Oh wow.
So it's very recent.
It's been a long, yeah, it'srecent.
It's been a long time since Idistanced myself, but I'm so
thankful for it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
of knowing, okay, here is theirstuff they've taught me and put
(34:55):
on me and tried to get me tounderstand and here is my true
thought, my true feeling, whatI've discovered and what I've
gathered and put to pieces.
Yeah.
And so, yeah, can I ask what theturning point was for you?
Because it's pretty incrediblethat you just started like
diving in.
(35:16):
First of all, let's go back towhen you were like, I need to
change schools.
Like that's huge awareness.
I mean, you're in high school atthis point and you're like, have
this huge awareness of like,these people aren't who I want
to be with.
So let's change schools.
That's huge.
And then you dove into like,okay, let me cut my family off
and do some healing on my own.
Let me do these things thatserve me.
(35:37):
Like, what was the turning pointthere?
Do you think?
I think really finding selfworth.
I knew I deserved more thanthat.
I knew I deserved more thanbeing lied to or having any
resentment towards anyone.
And to me, I think I never havebeen a person where I blame
(36:00):
people for certain things.
It's like, What can I do tocreate a better turning point
for myself?
Mm-Hmm.
Of what can I, lookinginternally.
Yeah.
Asking myself instead of goingoutwards and asking all of these
other people for advice.
Yeah.
I just really trusted myself.
That's huge.
Yeah.
To go through what you wentthrough and then still be able
(36:21):
to trust yourself like that isYeah.
Huge.
It's so inspiring.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I didn't think I had it in me,honestly.
I was like, you did.
You do.
I do! You do, yeah.
That's incredible.
It was a hard choice to make,too.
Yeah, scary, I'm sure.
Yeah, especially alone.
(36:42):
Like, you didn't have anyone toreally turn to, and like, you
weren't like, hey, so and so,like, you love me, tell me, What
to do here or like you said youjust dove right into yourself,
which is actually huge and likethat's how we heal But most
people it takes them way longerand way more I don't know that
you were just very self awarefor at such a young age, which
(37:03):
is really cool My gram that Icurrently live with now.
She always says to me.
Who are you?
Where'd you come from?
You are nothing like Anyone inour family, I didn't learn these
things until I was 60.
Like, who are you?
You're the eighth wonder.
You're the cycle breaker.
I go back to that point when Iwas talking about passing away
(37:27):
in the helicopter.
Yeah.
Of, I feel like I got a blessingand a gift to change the world.
Yeah.
I felt like it's been with meever since then, and I've gotten
a second chance, and I'm gonnakeep that second chance.
Oh, I love that.
Yeah.
I'm so proud of you.
(37:48):
Thank you.
You can keep, I know you havemore stuff that, like, we've
talked about.
It's just so much.
It's so good, though.
Like, you have so much goodstuff to tell people.
It is a lot, but I want to getto the point where I'm like, and
here's the goodness of Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, it's not just This is nota sob story.
Yeah, totally.
(38:08):
Um, but Yeah, I am writing abook right now.
So exciting.
I do photography, and so I kindof want to do, uh, poetry, put
all of my poems in there, myhealing journey, a coffee table
book.
I'll be your first purchase.
I love poetry.
(38:29):
But I don't want it to beserious.
Yeah.
Books I read that are way tooserious.
Yeah.
You want it to be fun?
Yeah, I want it to be fun.
I love that.
I want it to be rewarding.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
Um, and I think the best lessonI've ever learned is letting go
of the outcome.
(38:51):
Let go of a perfect family.
Let go of what you could be, orshould be, or shouldn't be.
Just let go.
So beautiful.
Just surrender.
Right?
Right.
I talked about this on one of mypodcasts of like, when you like
let the waves crash with you,like you get through it not only
smoother, but so much fasterthan if you're trying to fight
(39:11):
against the waves, like life istrying to work for you.
It really is.
It's not trying to work likeagainst you.
It's really trying to likepropel you to what you're
supposed to be.
If you just surrender and letit.
And it's so cool.
And I always looked back onBrooklyn's death, like how can
an 11 year old, who was perfectin my eyes, how could you take
(39:33):
her?
Yeah.
And she was fighting so hard,and I've had dreams about it, of
just her like fighting andfighting and fighting, and
whatever is above us.
Knew that she was too good forthis earth, but he needed her to
do work elsewhere Yeah, and nothere such a beautiful
perspective.
(39:54):
That's helped me a ton.
Yeah, what other things havehelped you?
Well as you've been on yourhealing journey, I do think
grief can shape you or it cankill you I think it can create a
a legacy for yourself and youcan help other people with your
grief or it can put you in theground and you can create a sob
(40:18):
story you can create sorrow foryourself and be a victim
suffering for yourself likeyou're the own creator of your
own suffering and so I thinkjust I do want people to
understand that there are twopaths to every situation in
life.
(40:38):
If it's loss, if it's somethingsmall, like getting pulled over,
getting a ticket, you can lookat it as a blessing, like, well,
what if I were to drive 20 moreminutes, I could have died in a
car accident.
Or, just looking at, changingyour perspective, looking at
things as, you know, a giftinstead of a, what's the word
(41:04):
I'm looking for?
Burden or a, like something thathurt you.
Right.
Um, have you read the bookExistential Kink?
No.
Okay, you should read that.
It's exactly what you're talkingabout.
I think you would love it, butit's all about like, She says
finding the kink in things, butlike it's that is like changing
your perspective of like, evenif something was awful and hard
(41:25):
and terrible, like actually,what if that was to make me be
able to have this compassionthat I have, or this
understanding of grief to helpother people so that as I move
forward in my life and do whatI'm called to do.
Actually have the tools now tohelp those people.
It's so cool.
Yeah.
I need a new ring.
Yay It's really good Yes Butwith what you were saying, I'll
(41:50):
just hop right back in yeah withthat book I would love to read
it though because people think,there's people who go through
the, this extreme amount ofgrief and think they're right
about everything.
They know everything, there'snothing they can take from it,
they are right, whatever.
(42:11):
And when I was going through myyoga training, I had a lesson of
we are all teachers and we areall students.
I love that.
Even if you teach a thousandpeople.
Be a student to a thousandpeople.
Yes.
I love that so much.
We're learning something newevery single day.
Yeah.
And same with if I were to getpulled over and I cried about
(42:38):
it.
Well, what if?
Yeah.
Let that be a teacher.
Yeah.
I love that.
I love it so much.
It's like, if you're a coach,have a coach.
If you're this, you know, likeyou can always be learning
always.
And that's so cool andbeautiful.
Yeah.
Um, with life itself, I didn'tknow how to regulate my emotions
(43:04):
for a long time.
And I, it's still something Istruggle with to this day.
So hard because One day I'll befine, and one day I'm in
shambles trying to pick up thepieces and put the puzzle back
together.
Yeah, and I just have thisthought in my head that I say to
(43:27):
myself all the time, in order toheal we must howl.
We must scream.
We must yell.
We must ask for help.
We need.
Yeah.
You're not on your own.
No, not alone.
You're never alone.
There's always somebody that canrelate or will be there for you
or, but you have to ask.
You have to take that step.
(43:48):
It's so important.
And for me, I saw a picture of awolf howling at a moon and I was
like, he's asking for something.
Yeah, he's hungry.
He needs more.
Yeah, and that is why I havesuch a strong connection to the
moon.
People are like, oh, you crazyhippie.
(44:10):
You're like, no.
There's some truth in there.
Yeah.
Totally.
Yeah, I love that.
So Asking for help is number onethat has helped me on this
healing journey.
And then, I think another one istrying my hardest to seek my
(44:33):
family where they are.
See them where they are, feelwhat they're feeling, having
empathy for them.
Um, my grandparents didn't comefrom, A stable household and I
for a long time resented themfor not giving me that safe
place, but at the same time theydidn't know better.
Yeah.
So meeting them where they areand creating that connection
(44:56):
with them has helped me so muchof understanding.
Yeah.
Like why am I the way I am?
Yeah.
I've said before, like in mystory, it was so easy to make my
mom the villain.
Like it was so easy when you'rein victim mode.
Like it's so easy to be like,she did this wrong and she did
that wrong.
And she projected this trauma onme.
But then I look back and I'mlike, she literally broke so
(45:18):
many other cycles that I don'tand so many other generational
things that I don't even have todeal with.
And she did the best to hercapacity.
She couldn't address somethings, but that's because she
didn't have the tools or theability.
And it's like when we can meetpeople where they're at and we
see that, and we can be gratefulfor our lives and how we've
overcome and like what thattaught us.
(45:39):
And, and when we can look atthose things and be like, that's
actually why I'm the reason I amthe way I am and who I am.
What power in that?
Like we take back all of ourpower.
It's so cool.
Yeah.
No.
I love that you brought that up.
Thank you.
So are you.
It takes so much time.
It does.
People are like, Oh yeah, I justforgive someone overnight.
(46:00):
And then look at all the otherburdens that are brought up with
being able to forgive someoneovernight.
Yeah.
And like nothing ever happened.
Oh yeah.
It's going to come upeventually.
Right.
Yeah.
It's going to keep coming up.
Yeah.
It'll just keep coming up.
It's always there.
Yeah.
And I love that you brought upgenerational curses or traumas
because my whole goal is to.
(46:22):
Break those traditional cursesor traumas or create something
where my children, theirgrandkids, their grandkids, like
on and on and on, they don'thave to deal with the same hurt
that I've dealt with.
Because I took that step back,re evaluated my whole life and
(46:42):
rewrote the f ing script.
Yeah, you did.
And it's so, it's fun for mebecause I'm like, that's what my
whole podcast is, right?
Is like celebrating people likeyou that are like literally
breaking the cycles.
Like your kids and yourgrandkids will not have to have
that pain.
You were willing and you werestrong enough to come here and
say, I'll take it.
(47:03):
I'll deal with it.
I, I really believe like inwhatever our life looked like
before this, I believe we agreedto what we're playing out.
And I think like, that's so.
Freaking rad that you were like,I'll do it.
I'll take the pain and I'll bethe one that breaks the cycles.
It just like lights me up.
So I'm so proud of you.
You're a whole, just, all right.
(47:27):
You're so sweet.
Thank you for being a safe spacefor me to share this super
vulnerable thing.
Yeah.
I'm shaking, but it's notbecause I'm nervous.
But, yeah.
Thank you for trusting me.
Is there anything else on yourlist that you want to share?
I have a couple things I'm goingto ask, but.
Yeah.
(47:47):
Um, I just think, I have twomore things and I'll just read
it script for script of be themaster of your own destiny.
You create your life, everythingyou want, you already have.
If you wanted more, then youwould go get more.
It's so true.
No matter the time it takes,you're on your journey too.
I think so.
(48:07):
Have you read?
I keep bringing up books, buthave you read Manifest by Roxy?
I can't think of her last name.
I just, I will, but I justfinished this and she talks
about, it's so much of like, we,our subconscious operates our
lives and the stories that we'vecreated that around our lives.
Like what we believe operatesour lives like our conscious
(48:27):
doesn't actually that's not howwe manifest anything if we don't
truly believe that we're worthsomething or we don't truly
believe we should get the thingthat we want, we won't get it,
but if we can go back to selflove and self worth and put that
in and start to truly believeand love ourselves.
We can manifest anything wewant.
It's true.
It's just like, but like exactlywhat you're saying is like, you
(48:51):
are the master of your owndestiny.
It's your, you get in your ownway.
We all get in our own way.
We create our own stuff.
We do.
It's so true.
And that finishes what I'm goingto say next to you.
So perfectly of you're not whathappened to you.
Life isn't happening to me.
It's happening for me.
I love that.
(49:11):
And that's where I.
Yeah, so a couple questions foryou.
first question is what's nextfor you?
What are you excited about forthe future and like what's
coming up for you?
Yeah, I love that question.
Um, I, I'm excited to starthelping people.
I'm excited to, for my book tocome out.
(49:34):
I'm excited for my yogainstructing journey to just
launch and start hostingretreats and helping people
worldwide because Utah really issuch a small space and it looks
like huge, but then You meet oneperson and they know 50 other
people.
So I can just branch out andhelp multiple people, multiple
(49:57):
different personalities and gothrough that journey of just
healing and letting people knowthey're not alone.
That's what I'm most excited.
I love that.
Um, and then my last question isif someone listening right now
is like in the depth of it,they're feeling really alone.
They're feeling like their griefis consuming them.
Like what would your advice befor them?
Yeah.
(50:17):
Going back to, In order to heal,you must tell, um, in order to
fully heal, it takes time andnobody's ever fully healed.
Nobody will ever be fully healedand it's a constant practice.
So going back to the basics.
I think making sure you're fed,making sure you're nurtured, you
(50:40):
have mindfulness, you have ahome, you have a warm bed, you
have family, you can count on,you have at least one friend.
You don't need a lot, but justso you feel less alone.
none of us are alone.
And so I think that's where Iwould start is.
Branching out, asking for help,cry, feel, get therapy, don't
(51:03):
get too much, because that canbe a deep rabbit hole you don't
want to explore and you feellike you can't solve anything on
your own and you always needhelp, which you're so capable of
doing things on your own.
But.
Having a community of goodpeople.
I love that.
I think that's really cool too,because it speaks to your story
when you said like, you'recapable, like, look at what
(51:26):
you've overcome and what you'vebeen capable of by like going
diving back into you.
And not always externallylooking for things, but saying
like, actually I have what Ineed.
Let me just feel, let me meet mybasic needs.
Let me get really clear and slowdown.
And I love that.
That's really inspiring.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
(51:47):
You are seriously so inspiring.
Your story's incredible.
And the way that you tell it isbeautiful.
And I know there's going to beso many people that hear this
and are like, Can relate and aregoing to be so inspired by you.
Thank you.
So are you.
Thank you so much.
(52:09):
And we did it.
Thank you so much for taking thetime to listen.
It means the world to me.
If you liked this episode,please subscribe, leave a
review, and share on Instagram.
If you're not following us,follow at eighthwonderdesigns,
and remember, be proud of whereyou're at.
Hello and welcome to the 8thwonder podcast.
Inspiring you to be proud ofwhere you're at one story at a
time.
I'm your host Ashley.
Let's get started.
Welcome to Episode 6.
We have the beautiful Janiciahere, or Jay, as she lets some
people call her.
Yay! I'm so excited.
Hi! I'm so excited that you'rehere.
Me too, thank you for having me.
(00:58):
Yeah, I'm so excited for you totell your story.
It's really inspiring.
I've wanted to do it for so longand it just hasn't I haven't had
the opportunity and Jimmy gaveme the opportunity at that event
and I was terrified, shaking,trembling the entire time, but
I'm glad it's more intimate.
Yeah.
Nick said you were amazingthough.
(01:19):
Like he came back and that wasone of the first things he told
me was there's this girl at theretreat that shared her story
and it was so beautiful.
So you did great even if you arenervous.
I'm glad not everyone was like,She, what is she doing?
No, we're the hardest onourselves.
so let's just start.
I want you to tell your story,how you've overcome.
(01:41):
but let's start just with yourchildhood and we'll go from
there.
I was born into an insane familyand I love my family so much,
but it was pretty gnarly.
Um, my mom had me at 20 and myoldest brother at 17.
And.
She wasn't the healthiest.
(02:04):
I mean, my dad got her intothings that she shouldn't have
gotten into and I don't thinkher intentions were wanting to
get to that point, but, she gotinto Oxycontin and it kind of
spiraled from there.
Um, when I was just six monthsold, I found out that I had
(02:24):
febrile seizures because my momand dad got in a huge fight and
left me in the car at six monthsand I ended up just going into a
seizure because my bodytemperature spiked so high and I
ended up getting life flightedand while we were in the
helicopter, my grandpa's, I wasraised semi Mormon, semi not
(02:48):
Mormon, he said to the pilot, Iwill not let you take off until
I give my granddaughter ablessing.
And to me, I never reallybelieved in blessings until I
was told this story over andover again.
And I think my grandparents werelike, no, it's real.
Yeah, hear me out.
(03:09):
but he gave me a blessing.
And he said, In the helicopter,I ended up dying, like
completely.
My heart rate stopped.
I just was gone.
And as we were landing, I cameback to life.
And to me, I'm only starting offwith this because I think
something happened to my tiny,tiny little body while I was in
(03:31):
the helicopter of, I don't knowhow this thought came to me, but
I was like, I feel like they.
He gave me this blessing and apart of his life so I could
live.
Um, my grandpa ended up passingaway in 2016 from pancreatic
cancer, and it was devastatingto me and my entire family.
(03:55):
I'm starting there because fromhere, it just skyrockets into
another, another universe, but,um, so after that happened, my
mom was in and out of rehab,trying to get healthy, trying to
get back on our feet so shecould gain custody of us, and so
thankful for her for that,because it's taught me a lot.
(04:17):
Now, teaching at a recoverycenter to see How much she's
overcome and just like thebadassery that has gone into
that.
who were you with?
Who had custody of you at thispoint?
So at this point, it was mygrandparents.
Okay.
My mom's mom and then herremarried husband.
Okay.
(04:37):
and so I was kind of picked allover so I'd be there and then
I'd go back with my mom and thenI'd go with another set of
grandparents and then I'd golive, live and stay with an aunt
or a friend and I never had astability or a place to call
home and it caused a lot ofstress on me as a child.
Can't even imagine.
Yeah, While I was living at mygrandparents house, my brother,
(05:02):
he was so young to this day Istill can't comprehend how or
why he got to this point andit's probably because my father,
I don't like to call him myfather because he wasn't ever
really present in my life.
But, I ended up getting raped bymy oldest brother, and he was
12, and I was tiny, I was like7.
(05:24):
And, it was me and my cousin,but, he brought us into his
bedroom, and he was like, let'splay forts.
And, we were building this fort,it was so much fun, and then He
ended up telling us we had totake our clothes off as we were
in that transition or whatever.
(05:45):
He was older than us.
So we thought he knew we'd yeah,totally.
You just trust people like thatyou that you love in your life,
especially as a child.
You just trust them.
Exactly.
And my aunt who is also livingthere because she was young, it
was her actual parents.
She goes, I don't thinksomething's right in there.
And so he left and he was like,I need some water.
(06:07):
And opened the door and she cameand snuck under the bed.
Oh, wow.
And he came back in and startedwith my cousin first and did his
thing with her.
And.
I have a hard time not knowingwhy she didn't come out sooner,
(06:27):
but then it got to me, and shepopped out of, from underneath
the bed and was like, what the,what the hell are you doing?
Yeah.
Like, what is going on?
And called the cops, and thecops came, he ended up getting
handcuffed and taken away.
And in that moment, I remember Ifelt guilty because he was the
(06:49):
one being taken away.
I didn't feel guilty for myselfof like what had just happened
to me.
I didn't feel any of thosethoughts.
It was no, like I lost my olderbrother.
Yeah.
And this is my fault because itwas happening to me.
So that ended up happening and.
(07:10):
It really did affect the wayolder, the older I get, it
affected the way I viewsexuality.
100 percent And I was like, am Igay?
No, I totally get that.
I'm not gay.
Yeah.
I had all of these questions of,is this how all men are?
Is this what love is?
I questioned my worth ofhumanity all in general.
(07:34):
And, Then, the older I got, themore I went to therapy and
healed myself a little bit, andI was like, no, that is not what
love is.
And that is not how any womanshould be treated, and they
shouldn't feel like it's theirfault when they get sexually
abused.
Yeah, totally.
It's not.
And a lot of women don't speakup on it.
(07:56):
They don't because it's soscary.
Nobody, well, not nobody, butlots of people don't aren't
believed and that's so hard.
It is so terrifying.
And you're like, well, they'renot going to believe me.
They are going to resent me.
Yep.
They're going to get in trouble.
Yeah.
They're going to get in troubleand I'm going to have to be
around them all the time withthis hurt in my heart and nobody
(08:18):
understands.
Yeah, totally.
And I, Now I know that a lot ofwomen, especially in Utah, I'm
surprised, understand thatfeeling, especially by family.
Did it disconnect you from yourbody?
Like, for me, that's, it like,made me totally disconnected
from my body.
Like, I, even in a way wherelike, I would feel pain, but it
(08:38):
wasn't like I didn't even like,I almost disassociate from the
feelings.
And so I like, wouldn't even,you'll be like, isn't that
really painful?
I'm like, it's fine.
Like just completelydisassociated from that.
So just curious if that, that'show it happened for you.
Yeah.
It took that self awareness awayfrom me, I think of just, When
(09:00):
people, for example, when peopleare on drugs, they're like, I
feel this, this, and this, andthis.
And for me, it was like, no, Ifeel normal.
Yeah.
I feel fine.
Totally.
Yeah.
And really deep inside where Idid like fake orgasms, which a
lot of women do that.
Yeah.
I was just like, I don't knowwhat that feels like.
(09:21):
Yeah.
I've never felt that before.
I don't feel safe in my body.
So I'm just gonna show up how Iknow best.
Yeah.
Totally.
And how they want me to.
Yep.
Being that people pleaser wherethey want me to act like this so
I'm gonna act like this.
Yeah.
Totally.
But yeah, it was, um, he endedup going to live with my grandma
and grandpa, the one who passedaway of pancreatic cancer, and I
(09:44):
stayed with my grandma andgrandpa, my mom's mom, and her
remarried husband.
Um, I think I had a beautifullife from then on out.
When I was eight, I, I found outa terrible way.
I was lied to.
(10:04):
I was completely devastated whenI found this out.
But when I was eight, I, I wouldcall my mom every day, even
though she was getting helpgoing through rehab, like I knew
I was gonna go back home soon.
And We had a trip planned thatOctober to go to Disneyland
(10:26):
altogether, and I've never goneto Disneyland with my mom, and
so for me, I was like, Oh,Disney! So excited, yeah.
So excited, and She ended upgoing into a coma.
Oh my goodness.
Um, she overdosed, went into acoma.
She was in a coma for a week atthis point.
And I was like, my whole familyis bawling.
(10:48):
And talking about funeral stuffand talking about all this
stuff.
And I was like, what are youtalking about?
Like, what is going on?
And my grandma says, Oh, it'sjust your great grandma.
And I was like, okay, me as alittle one, grandma is, you kind
of expect, they've lived a greatlife.
(11:10):
They've had that experience.
And to me, I was like, I, deepin my gut, I know that's not my
great grandma, but I'm justgoing to roll with it because I
trust you.
Yeah.
another week goes by and myother grandma says, You need to
tell her, like, you need to tellthe kids what's about to happen,
(11:34):
like, what's going on.
And, so they finally told me,and they were like, your mom's
in a coma, we don't think she'sgonna make it.
And, I just broke down.
I couldn't cry.
I was just in shock, I had noemotion, and I walked outside
(11:56):
and got on one of those littleswivel scooters and was just
riding around because I didn'tknow what to do.
Yeah.
My emotion was just shock.
Yeah.
And.
It goes back to the likedisassociating, like, like
that's, as kids, that's how weprotect ourselves.
We just like step away.
We're like, Oh, that's too much.
I can't handle that.
That's exactly what I felt.
(12:16):
Yeah.
And.
Then she, they took me to thehospital and I walked in and my
mom was connected to all ofthese tubes and it freaked me
out.
Oh yeah.
I was like, I can't even imaginewhat the Fs is going on.
Yeah.
And her toes were all paintedperfect, her nails were painted,
(12:36):
and you could tell that myfamily's been there for a while
and I got taken, I got robbedfrom that experience.
Yeah.
I felt like.
Yeah.
Um, and in a coma, I don't knowif you've ever had that
experience, but in a coma, youcan feel, you can cry, but you
just can't talk.
So half your brain is shut offand you just are kind of limp.
(12:58):
Yeah.
And I walked in and her wholebody was swollen.
I gave her a hug and I juststarted bawling, like screaming,
hysterical, like, what ishappening?
Why are you, what's going on?
And.
I hugged her and wouldn't letgo, just bawling, and I looked
at her face and just tearsstarted streaming from her face.
(13:23):
And at this point, my wholefamily knew that they had to
unplug and rip the cord so shecould go on and live a better
life, and so she wouldn't be avegetable.
And so that was my last goodbye,seeing her connected to all of
these tubes, just, uh, Andbarely knowing what was going on
(13:44):
because no one had told you.
So my aunt and my grandma tookme from that room and they were
like, let's go get you asmoothie or something to eat.
And I was like, Oh, no, thankyou.
Seriously.
But no, thank you.
Yeah.
So we went into a shop, andthere was these beautiful
necklaces, and they said like,mother, sister, daughter,
(14:07):
whatever.
And it had a purple band aroundit, and leather, and she was
like, here, I'm gonna get us allof these necklaces, and we can
wear them, whatever.
And that was pretty cool.
The last time, and as we walkedout of the shop, she looked out
the window and the clouds werecoming out from under, or from
behind the sun.
(14:29):
And she was like, do you seethat?
And it was just glowing, likethe rays were shooting into the
clouds.
And I was like, yeah.
And she goes, the gates haveopened.
Your mom is going on.
She's in a much better placenow.
And I was just like, ah, I can'texpress that feeling I felt to
(14:49):
this day.
It was just disbelief.
Like, who do I trust?
Who do I count on?
Oh, I can't, yeah.
And then.
Nobody was honest with me, like,and I'm just being told this
right now and I could have hadthese moments, like, I just
can't even imagine that.
And at eight years old, like,that's so much for an eight year
(15:10):
old to process.
I have an eight year olddaughter and I'm just thinking
like, I can't imagine.
Her trying to process that andlike, let's go get a smoothie.
And like, now your mom's likeall in one day.
Like that is so much.
Yeah.
And I missed school for a month.
I got pulled out and I justcouldn't do it.
And I couldn't take all of myfriends were.
(15:32):
LDS, we're in the church, andwith someone who suffers from
addiction, and who passes fromthat, our family got so much
judgment from our ward, fromthat space, where it was like,
And I had questions of, well, ifshe sins, yeah, then where does
(15:56):
she go?
Oh, and it's not heaven.
Oh, that's so heavy.
You have to be perfect.
And then everyone was like,well, once they pass, they can
have the choice to forgive oryou can like go on from there,
right?
Yeah.
And I was just like, no, no.
And they'd bring us food.
(16:17):
And I was like, no, no flowers.
Aren't going to bring anyone.
You're not going to bring yourfamily back.
And so the best thing for me wasjust spending time with people,
distracting myself, going out,being with nature, trying to
reconnect that piece of myself.
(16:38):
Did you know at that point,because you were eight, did you
know your mom was strugglingwith addiction?
I mean, I had an idea justbecause we were back and forth,
back and forth, we never hadstability.
Yeah.
So I had the idea, yeah, but Ididn't know.
What that meant, really.
Yeah, and I didn't know it was adisease, and I didn't know how
(17:00):
much it affected people.
Yeah.
So.
Well, I think that's even stillmisunderstood.
Like I think society is gettingbetter, but also like there is
so much judgment involved whenit comes to addiction.
And it's like, dude, why are wejudging?
Like they're fighting, they'retrying their very best and
they're fighting somethingreally hard.
(17:20):
Like we should have compassion,not judgment.
And I think everybody is doingtheir best is what they're
capable in that moment.
Of in that moment.
So I've kept that with me everytime.
I'm like, why am I being so hardon myself?
I'm doing my best.
Yeah, I love that.
But yeah, um, so did you go toher funeral?
(17:42):
I went to her funeral and atthis point my dad had been so
far out of our lives that He'djust kind of gone.
Yeah, and When I get there, weall looked so cute and all in
matching dresses.
Yeah, just ready for it and inthe back of my mom's funeral or
(18:10):
Viewing my dad was sitting theresobbing and my whole family was
like, what is he doing here?
He doesn't deserve to be herelike through all the hurt and
pain.
He caused her He was superabusive like growing up.
We were We lived in a cute placein South Jordan in a condo and
he ended up trying to kidnap meand my mom super protective
(18:35):
mother bear instincts kicked inand she Ran after and grabbed
onto my hand in a moving car.
Oh my gosh She was holding on tothe car and he was going 40
miles per hour.
Just dragging her She almostdied then from road rash.
Oh my goodness.
Just Terrible stuff like that.
(18:55):
Yeah.
Yeah, so The funeral I feel likewas very peaceful except for
that moment.
Yeah, I was like, why are youhere?
Yeah, that would be so hard.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
Um But after I lost my mom, Ithink I was longing for a mother
(19:15):
figure I was longing for thatconnection with another person
who I could tell everything tohave that close relationship
with And my aunt, Jenny, she wasmy uncle's wife.
Um, school teacher, she taughtme preschool.
She ended up moving on to firstgrade and was amazing.
(19:38):
Like, got me into Young Women'sagain.
Just got me into all of thesegreat things that I never
thought I was capable of before.
And, Um, I'd help her set up herclassroom every year.
I had helped her just getadjusted and all of that.
And it was my favorite thing todo.
And in 2016, I lost her and herdaughter, Brooklyn.
(20:04):
We have a timeshare in Bear Lakeand they were out enjoying their
time.
And.
All of a sudden I get a call andthey're like, Jenny in Brooklyn
passed away.
And I was like, No.
Oh, stabbed to the heart.
Seriously.
I'm shaking right now becausethat feeling just never fully
(20:27):
goes away.
It doesn't.
It lives in you.
Yeah.
And every time I get a call, Ihate getting calls.
Oh, I can't even, I know.
I can't even imagine.
No, don't call me unsolicitedbecause I think someone's dead.
Yeah, it's fair.
That's a fair, valid response.
Um, but I got that call and Iwas at my best friend's house at
(20:50):
that time.
And I'm like, how old were youhere?
I was 16.
Okay.
so I get that call and I'm justlike in shambles, devastated,
broken, Um, they were like, doyou want to go like go down
there?
And I was like, I don't know.
Yeah I don't know if I could dothat.
Whatever Um, anyway, it tookthem about I think five hours to
(21:17):
find brooklyn after she haddrowned so both of them drowned
and What had happened isBrooklyn and her cousin Kate
were on a little tube and it haddrifted out because in Bear
Lake, if anyone's been there,there's so much wind.
Oh yeah, there is just come outof nowhere.
(21:40):
Yeah.
Pushes you out.
Totally.
And if you were to know myuncle, he is so safe and such an
advocate for safety.
And he's the type of person youget in the car seatbelts.
Oh yeah.
Go swimming life jacket.
Yeah.
That kind of guy.
And, so her and Kate were on atube.
(22:03):
Kate has a halo that screwedinto her head to like help her
jawline or whatever.
And all of a sudden the windpicks up and they get drifted
and they're just talking,playing.
Nobody knows like, yeah.
And Jenny goes, you guys are waytoo far.
You guys have to start comingback now.
Like you're getting way too far.
And Kate realized, Oh shoot, I'm50 yards out.
(22:28):
And started panicking and fellinto the water and she can't get
her halo wet.
So Brooklyn's kind little heartjumps in after her and holds her
up.
Oh my goodness.
And as she's drowning, holdingher above water so she was okay.
And it's just risking your lifefor someone else.
(22:49):
Or sacrifice.
Yeah.
And Brooklyn ended up goingunder and they didn't find her
for like five hours after shewent under.
Jenny.
Ended up going out this wholetime.
Josh was finding goggles forthem so they can see under the
water and see what was going on.
And, so Jenny starts running outand she's diving for Brooklyn,
(23:13):
like just frantic at this point.
And She ends up not being ableto do it anymore, runs out of
all energy and goes under withher.
That was hard.
Yeah.
I am shaking right now, just thefeelings of that.
Being brought up and she's yourmother figure at this point,
(23:35):
right?
So to me, I'm like I lost bothmy mom's I lost my little
sister.
Yeah felt like and Yeah, I havelike no family back at home
either except for mygrandparents who I can't trust
at this point yeah, and Yeah,and so we get to the funeral
(24:00):
part and I grew up always doingBrooklyn's hair like these Super
crazy braids just so drastic andshe loved it So cute, and so
they asked me do you want to?
Get them ready, like do theirhair.
And I was like, ah, so scary.
(24:22):
I don't know if I could do likein my 16 year old mind, a dead
person's hair.
Yeah, totally.
That is scary.
Yeah.
Do you want a blanket?
Do you want a blanket?
Would that help?
You can have this one so youdon't have to.
It's a little cold down here,but also it might be a trauma.
Like I get a shake for my traumawhen I talk about my trauma.
(24:44):
I'm like, why am I shaking?
I'm not like nervous.
Yeah, no, I totally get it.
Yeah, it does.
Sorry.
Go ahead.
Um, So that ended up passing onand did you do their hair?
I did their hair.
OK.
And they ended up getting buriedright next to each other.
(25:06):
So they were kind of stackedlike.
cuddling each other and it wasprecious, but at the same time
I'm like, oh, but, um, we getpast that.
And then, so before they passedaway, my grandpa passed away
that same year from pancreaticcancer.
(25:26):
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
And then that happens.
And then a few months later, myaunt, she was trying to get
custody of her son at the time,and the dad was crazy.
Like, nuts.
And they were in court for it,and She ended up, she was like,
(25:48):
no, I'm fighting until the veryend and she was on her way to
work one day and he knew whereshe lived and followed her and
at that first stoplight right byher neighborhood gets out of his
truck.
Comes up to her window andshoots her in the head three
times with a shotgun.
Oh my gosh.
And so at this point, me and myfamily are like, Can we get a
(26:11):
freaking break?
Like literally.
Like what?
Do we have just this curse onus?
Like how do we break it?
And you're 16 still?
Is this?
It's all in 2016.
Oh my goodness.
And who's who are you with atthis point?
Um, I was back with mygrandparents.
Okay.
Yeah.
(26:31):
And So then a thought in myhead, I was like, I, since my
mom witnessed domestic violence,like it was all over in our
family.
I was like, maybe I need to gointo domestic violence therapy.
Yeah.
Nope.
Way too triggering.
I can't even.
Yeah.
No, not for me.
(26:52):
Not for me.
But that happens.
Everything's great.
I feel like Loss togetherbrought our family closer
together because you don't knowwhen the last time you'll be
able to see someone is Yeah, sothat happens and then I get in
so much trouble my junior yearI'm 17 trying to tackle the
(27:17):
hardest year of high school andoh my gosh And you've had all of
this stuff recently happen.
Like I just can't even imaginetrying to Operate in a day to
day life after all of that.
It's so much Little me too, andI am such a perfectionist and I
Would lay my outfits out everysingle night and my grandparents
(27:40):
were like, oh, we don't have toworry about you Yeah, i'm like
no i'm trying to be so perfect.
Yeah because of all this shit.
This is a coping mechanism Likeyeah Read the room No, they
couldn't no, of course, yeah um,but I got in a ton of trouble
and I don't know if this isappropriate to say on podcast,
(28:02):
but I did get into like somedrugs.
I got into, you can say whateveryou want on the podcast.
I started smoking weed, a lot ofweed.
I started sloughing school.
I started drinking.
And prior to this, I was Mormon.
Like that was not in my book whoI wanted to be.
(28:24):
And I just got in the wrongcrowd.
And And honestly, like melooking in, it makes so much
sense, right?
It's like, let's numb thesefeelings.
Like there are so big and like,so in your body.
And like, if you don't have thetools, like you're going to find
tools that work and those workfor people.
It do serve like they serve atsome point.
Right.
(28:44):
Until they don't work anymore,but this, this thing is giving
me friends, some type ofcloseness, connection,
connection, totally.
And after that year had passed,I was like, this is not who I
am.
This is not who I want to be.
I need to transfer schools.
(29:04):
And so I transferred schoolsthat year and.
Um, I got through the transfer,they accepted me, all of that
kind of stuff.
And when I turned 17, I gotkicked out of my grandparents
house.
And I think all of their anger,resentment, just, grief brings
(29:24):
anger, grief brings pain.
And grief makes you do thingsthat you didn't think you were
capable of doing.
Especially when you don't dealwith that grief.
When you like bury it and likeit just festers, yeah, it's
gonna bring up stuff for sure.
And so I became the troubledchild, which I never was.
And I got kicked out.
(29:45):
And at this point I've been anall star cheer most of my life.
So super competitive, superfamily orientated.
And this family, I'll, I do wantto say their name on here, but
the Olsons, they didn't evenknow me, didn't know who I was,
(30:06):
what I stood for, what any of myvalues were.
And they.
Granted, they'd also lost theirmom.
And so having that empathy forme, um, their dad just took me
in, paid for my car fixes, paidfor my gas, helped me through
everything.
Everything.
(30:28):
I wouldn't have graduated if itweren't for that family.
I ended my senior year with a 3.
8.
Wow.
Just like blew it out of thewater.
Yeah.
I was like, wow, where did thiscome from?
I'm pretty cool.
Um.
That is actually, let's take amoment and celebrate that.
I didn't know.
Cause that's actually huge.
(30:48):
All of the stuff, like you hadevery odd stacked against you.
For you to even finish highschool is incredible.
And then for you to finish withthat high of a G like that's,
you should be so proud ofyourself.
That's bad ass.
It was bad ass, but I take thatmoment of celebration and I look
back to my junior year when Iwas getting in trouble and hurt
(31:11):
me fake asking people tohomecoming because my boyfriend
cheated on me.
Like the kind of person I was.
Yeah.
And I got called into theprincipal's office for fake
asking someone to homecoming.
And she goes, like, Tell meabout yourself.
What is going on with you?
Her name was Mrs.
M'Baku.
We did not get along very well.
(31:34):
And so I, my whole life has beenan open book.
I've never felt like I've neededto carry anything with me as
long as I needed to.
So I told her everything and shesays to me, wow, I'm surprised
you're not roaming the street,shooting up the street, shooting
up schools.
Like, I'm surprised you're notpretty much a villain.
(31:59):
And I was just like, give graceto anyone who has her.
And she, her husband was alawyer.
Her kids were in law school.
She was a principal, whatever.
She had this put together life.
She had a different perspectivefor sure.
And I was just like, yeah, I'mnot, am I supposed to be proud
(32:22):
of that?
Because I feel like anyone whogoes through hurt should know
that there's a better way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, I then, after I got kickedout, I disconnected myself from
my entire family, almost.
I.
Disconnected myself from mymom's parents, um, almost
(32:44):
everyone because they had thistype of love where I give you
something and I'll dangle itover your head and I expect
something in return.
It's control.
Yeah.
Totally.
And to me, control is not love.
No.
Freedom is love.
Yeah.
Freedom is the truest form oflove in my opinion.
Totally.
(33:05):
Um, and so I was just like, Idon't need you.
They ended up taking my car thatI was paying for, my phone, my
Wii, Like just all the stuffthat made you brought you
happiness.
Yeah, they took it all away andI was just like, Hey, take it.
That stuff will always comeback.
(33:26):
But the piece that I feel in myheart that is not all the time
certain.
Yeah.
And so I said, take it, but Idon't want to speak to any of
you really long time because Ineed to cope with this.
I need to heal from this.
And as much as I love you and Ineed my family and I know how
much life is important.
(33:48):
I don't need this in my life.
That doesn't serve anyone, youor them to be treating you like
that.
Yeah.
And so I cut everyone out.
I went into yoga training, gotyoga certified.
I.
started going to therapy and shewas a trauma certified therapist
(34:09):
who I adore so much.
Um, but she taught me what mybrain was doing and when you are
in a super traumatic experience,Through all of those
experiences, it changes yourbrain and how it lights up and
all of the cognitive thinking.
Yeah.
It's completely different.
Totally different.
(34:29):
Yeah.
So I just went on this hugehealing journey and I'm so
thankful for it.
And it took me, I justreconnected with my family this
year.
Oh wow.
So it's very recent.
It's been a long, yeah, it'srecent.
It's been a long time since Idistanced myself, but I'm so
thankful for it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
of knowing, okay, here is theirstuff they've taught me and put
(34:55):
on me and tried to get me tounderstand and here is my true
thought, my true feeling, whatI've discovered and what I've
gathered and put to pieces.
Yeah.
And so, yeah, can I ask what theturning point was for you?
Because it's pretty incrediblethat you just started like
diving in.
(35:16):
First of all, let's go back towhen you were like, I need to
change schools.
Like that's huge awareness.
I mean, you're in high school atthis point and you're like, have
this huge awareness of like,these people aren't who I want
to be with.
So let's change schools.
That's huge.
And then you dove into like,okay, let me cut my family off
and do some healing on my own.
Let me do these things thatserve me.
(35:37):
Like, what was the turning pointthere?
Do you think?
I think really finding selfworth.
I knew I deserved more thanthat.
I knew I deserved more thanbeing lied to or having any
resentment towards anyone.
And to me, I think I never havebeen a person where I blame
(36:00):
people for certain things.
It's like, What can I do tocreate a better turning point
for myself?
Mm-Hmm.
Of what can I, lookinginternally.
Yeah.
Asking myself instead of goingoutwards and asking all of these
other people for advice.
Yeah.
I just really trusted myself.
That's huge.
Yeah.
To go through what you wentthrough and then still be able
(36:21):
to trust yourself like that isYeah.
Huge.
It's so inspiring.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I didn't think I had it in me,honestly.
I was like, you did.
You do.
I do! You do, yeah.
That's incredible.
It was a hard choice to make,too.
Yeah, scary, I'm sure.
Yeah, especially alone.
(36:42):
Like, you didn't have anyone toreally turn to, and like, you
weren't like, hey, so and so,like, you love me, tell me, What
to do here or like you said youjust dove right into yourself,
which is actually huge and likethat's how we heal But most
people it takes them way longerand way more I don't know that
you were just very self awarefor at such a young age, which
(37:03):
is really cool My gram that Icurrently live with now.
She always says to me.
Who are you?
Where'd you come from?
You are nothing like Anyone inour family, I didn't learn these
things until I was 60.
Like, who are you?
You're the eighth wonder.
You're the cycle breaker.
I go back to that point when Iwas talking about passing away
(37:27):
in the helicopter.
Yeah.
Of, I feel like I got a blessingand a gift to change the world.
Yeah.
I felt like it's been with meever since then, and I've gotten
a second chance, and I'm gonnakeep that second chance.
Oh, I love that.
Yeah.
I'm so proud of you.
(37:48):
Thank you.
You can keep, I know you havemore stuff that, like, we've
talked about.
It's just so much.
It's so good, though.
Like, you have so much goodstuff to tell people.
It is a lot, but I want to getto the point where I'm like, and
here's the goodness of Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, it's not just This is nota sob story.
Yeah, totally.
(38:08):
Um, but Yeah, I am writing abook right now.
So exciting.
I do photography, and so I kindof want to do, uh, poetry, put
all of my poems in there, myhealing journey, a coffee table
book.
I'll be your first purchase.
I love poetry.
(38:29):
But I don't want it to beserious.
Yeah.
Books I read that are way tooserious.
Yeah.
You want it to be fun?
Yeah, I want it to be fun.
I love that.
I want it to be rewarding.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
Um, and I think the best lessonI've ever learned is letting go
of the outcome.
(38:51):
Let go of a perfect family.
Let go of what you could be, orshould be, or shouldn't be.
Just let go.
So beautiful.
Just surrender.
Right?
Right.
I talked about this on one of mypodcasts of like, when you like
let the waves crash with you,like you get through it not only
smoother, but so much fasterthan if you're trying to fight
(39:11):
against the waves, like life istrying to work for you.
It really is.
It's not trying to work likeagainst you.
It's really trying to likepropel you to what you're
supposed to be.
If you just surrender and letit.
And it's so cool.
And I always looked back onBrooklyn's death, like how can
an 11 year old, who was perfectin my eyes, how could you take
(39:33):
her?
Yeah.
And she was fighting so hard,and I've had dreams about it, of
just her like fighting andfighting and fighting, and
whatever is above us.
Knew that she was too good forthis earth, but he needed her to
do work elsewhere Yeah, and nothere such a beautiful
perspective.
(39:54):
That's helped me a ton.
Yeah, what other things havehelped you?
Well as you've been on yourhealing journey, I do think
grief can shape you or it cankill you I think it can create a
a legacy for yourself and youcan help other people with your
grief or it can put you in theground and you can create a sob
(40:18):
story you can create sorrow foryourself and be a victim
suffering for yourself likeyou're the own creator of your
own suffering and so I thinkjust I do want people to
understand that there are twopaths to every situation in
life.
(40:38):
If it's loss, if it's somethingsmall, like getting pulled over,
getting a ticket, you can lookat it as a blessing, like, well,
what if I were to drive 20 moreminutes, I could have died in a
car accident.
Or, just looking at, changingyour perspective, looking at
things as, you know, a giftinstead of a, what's the word
(41:04):
I'm looking for?
Burden or a, like something thathurt you.
Right.
Um, have you read the bookExistential Kink?
No.
Okay, you should read that.
It's exactly what you're talkingabout.
I think you would love it, butit's all about like, She says
finding the kink in things, butlike it's that is like changing
your perspective of like, evenif something was awful and hard
(41:25):
and terrible, like actually,what if that was to make me be
able to have this compassionthat I have, or this
understanding of grief to helpother people so that as I move
forward in my life and do whatI'm called to do.
Actually have the tools now tohelp those people.
It's so cool.
Yeah.
I need a new ring.
Yay It's really good Yes Butwith what you were saying, I'll
(41:50):
just hop right back in yeah withthat book I would love to read
it though because people think,there's people who go through
the, this extreme amount ofgrief and think they're right
about everything.
They know everything, there'snothing they can take from it,
they are right, whatever.
(42:11):
And when I was going through myyoga training, I had a lesson of
we are all teachers and we areall students.
I love that.
Even if you teach a thousandpeople.
Be a student to a thousandpeople.
Yes.
I love that so much.
We're learning something newevery single day.
Yeah.
And same with if I were to getpulled over and I cried about
(42:38):
it.
Well, what if?
Yeah.
Let that be a teacher.
Yeah.
I love that.
I love it so much.
It's like, if you're a coach,have a coach.
If you're this, you know, likeyou can always be learning
always.
And that's so cool andbeautiful.
Yeah.
Um, with life itself, I didn'tknow how to regulate my emotions
(43:04):
for a long time.
And I, it's still something Istruggle with to this day.
So hard because One day I'll befine, and one day I'm in
shambles trying to pick up thepieces and put the puzzle back
together.
Yeah, and I just have thisthought in my head that I say to
(43:27):
myself all the time, in order toheal we must howl.
We must scream.
We must yell.
We must ask for help.
We need.
Yeah.
You're not on your own.
No, not alone.
You're never alone.
There's always somebody that canrelate or will be there for you
or, but you have to ask.
You have to take that step.
(43:48):
It's so important.
And for me, I saw a picture of awolf howling at a moon and I was
like, he's asking for something.
Yeah, he's hungry.
He needs more.
Yeah, and that is why I havesuch a strong connection to the
moon.
People are like, oh, you crazyhippie.
(44:10):
You're like, no.
There's some truth in there.
Yeah.
Totally.
Yeah, I love that.
So Asking for help is number onethat has helped me on this
healing journey.
And then, I think another one istrying my hardest to seek my
(44:33):
family where they are.
See them where they are, feelwhat they're feeling, having
empathy for them.
Um, my grandparents didn't comefrom, A stable household and I
for a long time resented themfor not giving me that safe
place, but at the same time theydidn't know better.
Yeah.
So meeting them where they areand creating that connection
(44:56):
with them has helped me so muchof understanding.
Yeah.
Like why am I the way I am?
Yeah.
I've said before, like in mystory, it was so easy to make my
mom the villain.
Like it was so easy when you'rein victim mode.
Like it's so easy to be like,she did this wrong and she did
that wrong.
And she projected this trauma onme.
But then I look back and I'mlike, she literally broke so
(45:18):
many other cycles that I don'tand so many other generational
things that I don't even have todeal with.
And she did the best to hercapacity.
She couldn't address somethings, but that's because she
didn't have the tools or theability.
And it's like when we can meetpeople where they're at and we
see that, and we can be gratefulfor our lives and how we've
overcome and like what thattaught us.
(45:39):
And, and when we can look atthose things and be like, that's
actually why I'm the reason I amthe way I am and who I am.
What power in that?
Like we take back all of ourpower.
It's so cool.
Yeah.
No.
I love that you brought that up.
Thank you.
So are you.
It takes so much time.
It does.
People are like, Oh yeah, I justforgive someone overnight.
(46:00):
And then look at all the otherburdens that are brought up with
being able to forgive someoneovernight.
Yeah.
And like nothing ever happened.
Oh yeah.
It's going to come upeventually.
Right.
Yeah.
It's going to keep coming up.
Yeah.
It'll just keep coming up.
It's always there.
Yeah.
And I love that you brought upgenerational curses or traumas
because my whole goal is to.
(46:22):
Break those traditional cursesor traumas or create something
where my children, theirgrandkids, their grandkids, like
on and on and on, they don'thave to deal with the same hurt
that I've dealt with.
Because I took that step back,re evaluated my whole life and
(46:42):
rewrote the f ing script.
Yeah, you did.
And it's so, it's fun for mebecause I'm like, that's what my
whole podcast is, right?
Is like celebrating people likeyou that are like literally
breaking the cycles.
Like your kids and yourgrandkids will not have to have
that pain.
You were willing and you werestrong enough to come here and
say, I'll take it.
(47:03):
I'll deal with it.
I, I really believe like inwhatever our life looked like
before this, I believe we agreedto what we're playing out.
And I think like, that's so.
Freaking rad that you were like,I'll do it.
I'll take the pain and I'll bethe one that breaks the cycles.
It just like lights me up.
So I'm so proud of you.
You're a whole, just, all right.
(47:27):
You're so sweet.
Thank you for being a safe spacefor me to share this super
vulnerable thing.
Yeah.
I'm shaking, but it's notbecause I'm nervous.
But, yeah.
Thank you for trusting me.
Is there anything else on yourlist that you want to share?
I have a couple things I'm goingto ask, but.
Yeah.
(47:47):
Um, I just think, I have twomore things and I'll just read
it script for script of be themaster of your own destiny.
You create your life, everythingyou want, you already have.
If you wanted more, then youwould go get more.
It's so true.
No matter the time it takes,you're on your journey too.
I think so.
(48:07):
Have you read?
I keep bringing up books, buthave you read Manifest by Roxy?
I can't think of her last name.
I just, I will, but I justfinished this and she talks
about, it's so much of like, we,our subconscious operates our
lives and the stories that we'vecreated that around our lives.
Like what we believe operatesour lives like our conscious
(48:27):
doesn't actually that's not howwe manifest anything if we don't
truly believe that we're worthsomething or we don't truly
believe we should get the thingthat we want, we won't get it,
but if we can go back to selflove and self worth and put that
in and start to truly believeand love ourselves.
We can manifest anything wewant.
It's true.
It's just like, but like exactlywhat you're saying is like, you
(48:51):
are the master of your owndestiny.
It's your, you get in your ownway.
We all get in our own way.
We create our own stuff.
We do.
It's so true.
And that finishes what I'm goingto say next to you.
So perfectly of you're not whathappened to you.
Life isn't happening to me.
It's happening for me.
I love that.
(49:11):
And that's where I.
Yeah, so a couple questions foryou.
first question is what's nextfor you?
What are you excited about forthe future and like what's
coming up for you?
Yeah, I love that question.
Um, I, I'm excited to starthelping people.
I'm excited to, for my book tocome out.
(49:34):
I'm excited for my yogainstructing journey to just
launch and start hostingretreats and helping people
worldwide because Utah really issuch a small space and it looks
like huge, but then You meet oneperson and they know 50 other
people.
So I can just branch out andhelp multiple people, multiple
(49:57):
different personalities and gothrough that journey of just
healing and letting people knowthey're not alone.
That's what I'm most excited.
I love that.
Um, and then my last question isif someone listening right now
is like in the depth of it,they're feeling really alone.
They're feeling like their griefis consuming them.
Like what would your advice befor them?
Yeah.
(50:17):
Going back to, In order to heal,you must tell, um, in order to
fully heal, it takes time andnobody's ever fully healed.
Nobody will ever be fully healedand it's a constant practice.
So going back to the basics.
I think making sure you're fed,making sure you're nurtured, you
(50:40):
have mindfulness, you have ahome, you have a warm bed, you
have family, you can count on,you have at least one friend.
You don't need a lot, but justso you feel less alone.
none of us are alone.
And so I think that's where Iwould start is.
Branching out, asking for help,cry, feel, get therapy, don't
(51:03):
get too much, because that canbe a deep rabbit hole you don't
want to explore and you feellike you can't solve anything on
your own and you always needhelp, which you're so capable of
doing things on your own.
But.
Having a community of goodpeople.
I love that.
I think that's really cool too,because it speaks to your story
when you said like, you'recapable, like, look at what
(51:26):
you've overcome and what you'vebeen capable of by like going
diving back into you.
And not always externallylooking for things, but saying
like, actually I have what Ineed.
Let me just feel, let me meet mybasic needs.
Let me get really clear and slowdown.
And I love that.
That's really inspiring.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
(51:47):
You are seriously so inspiring.
Your story's incredible.
And the way that you tell it isbeautiful.
And I know there's going to beso many people that hear this
and are like, Can relate and aregoing to be so inspired by you.
Thank you.
So are you.
Thank you so much.
(52:09):
And we did it.
Thank you so much for taking thetime to listen.
It means the world to me.
If you liked this episode,please subscribe, leave a
review, and share on Instagram.
If you're not following us,follow at eighthwonderdesigns,
and remember, be proud of whereyou're at.
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