Episode 9: Let hope drive you to create the life that you want.- Amber Thompson

In this episode I talk with my friend Amber. We talk about her beautiful podcast, the life of a Lotus, and how she got to where she is. We talk about her experiences in childhood with parents struggling with addiction, moving around, and the pressure she felt to be what everyone expected her to be. She shares some of the ways she has healed and overcome her circumstances. 

Follow Amber and her incredible podcast "Life of a Lotus" here: 

https://open.spotify.com/show/5cW4olfdADoMr4XWCeplEj?si=aqp_4EZlQdup8tRw4IHiSQ&preview=coverart

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/life-of-a-lotus/id1722532104


Her instagram: 
https://www.instagram.com/bamboo2187?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==

Instagram: 8thwonderdesigns
Shop 8th Wonder: www.8thwonderdesigns.com

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
In the darkness, I found mylight.
In the broken, I found my fight.
Through the struggles, I learnedto soar.
I rose above and I wanted more.
I am the eighth wonder.
Standing tall, I won't be tornasunder.

(00:23):
I've healed the wounds I'veovercome.
I am the eighth wonder.
The strongest one.
Hello, and welcome to the 8thWonder Podcast, inspiring you to
be proud of where you're at, onestory at a time.
I'm your host, Ashley.

(00:44):
Let's get started.
Hello, and welcome to episodenine.
Yay! Yay! I have my beautifulfriend, Amber.
Say hi! Hello! I'm so excitedthat you're here.
I know.
I'm so stoked to finally do thiswith you.
I know.
I'm so excited.
Um, I'm so excited for you totell your story.
I have one question to askbeforehand that I just thought

(01:05):
of that I think might be fun.
If it's too much and you'relike, Oh, that's okay.
Um, if you could describe yourstory and what you have overcome
in one word or one sentence, ifone word is too hard and you can
think about it for a minute,what would it be?
Ooh.
Um, I mean, A rollercoaster, Iguess.

(01:30):
There are a lot of times whereI, when I'm talking to people
about my story and I'm justlike, wait, did I really live
that?
That feels like, it feels likeages ago.
But it also, um, is just,Sometimes it's weird to me that
I'm only 37 and I've beenthrough all the stuff that I've
been through.
I know, it's actually insane.
Like, I feel like I should be a50 year old woman telling you

(01:51):
all these things.
Or like 80.
Yeah.
Because you've been through alot.
Yeah, it's, it's been a lot.
So I guess probably if one word,just like a roller coaster.
Yeah.
It's been all over the place.
Yeah.
So yeah, that's a good one.
I like it.
Um, I want to start out withjust what started you, what made
you want to do a podcast?
You have a podcast.

(02:12):
And talk about that a littlebit.
So my podcast is Life of aLotus.
Um, the story behind that justreally quickly is a lotus starts
in the mud and the muck andrises above and becomes this
beautiful blossom.
And so it's just kind of a storyof people who've been through
that muck and who choose to riseabove and become this beautiful
blossom and also still pullingthose nutrients and everything

(02:37):
from their past.
Like, they're not forgetting it.
It's their motivation to becomethis, this blossom.
Um, It's kind of funny, I alwayswanted to do a podcast for a
really long time, but I justalways thought it was going to
be one of those fun podcastswhere I'm sitting there with one
of my girlfriends and we'redrinking wine and just telling
jokes back and forth andgossiping.
Um, and then I just remember atour first Gentle Warrior

(03:00):
retreat, um, I think it was likethe second night and I just had
this big aha of like, I have todo this podcast.
And in my intro, um, myapplication, To gentle warrior
for Taryn and she's having uslike what are your goals?
What are some things you want toaccomplish in your lifetime?
And one of the things I havealways known I wanted to do was

(03:21):
to help other women And I didn'tknow in what capacity that would
be Ben and I struggled withfertility and I knew that that
was something I wanted to helpwith help women with and as well
as Just normalizing some of thethings that you go to becoming a
new mom your mental health andjust different things that have

(03:42):
been, I feel like, such a smallscale for me in comparison to
what other women go through.
So I just kind of had this like,I don't know, I just want to
help women with all of thesethings.
So I knew it had something to dowith that.
And then the more I got talkingto Taryn and a couple of other
people in our group, um, Tarynwas like, why don't you just
tell your story?
And she, we're talking about itand I'm just telling her about

(04:04):
my life and how I grew up.
She's like, boom, you have tenepisodes right there just
talking about how you grew up upto age nine.
Yeah.
And so it was just kind of thisevolution of what it became and
now it's become this, just, Ilove it.
It's this passion project thatI'm so obsessed with.
Oh, and it's so beautiful.
And I love the like, Thedescription of the lotus flower

(04:26):
like that that viewpoint is likeso beautiful.
Thank you Yeah, that one waskind of funny because I I wanted
a tattoo and my cousin had sentme this, um, Lotus Mandala
tattoo.
And so I, I'm really big onlooking up the symbolism and the
meaning behind things.
And so I looked up the meaningbehind Mandala and then I looked
up the meaning behind Lotus.

(04:47):
And as soon as I saw it, and Iwas in the process of trying to
figure out a name and my brainwas like, so blank.
But as soon as I saw what themeaning behind a Lotus was, I
was like, That's it.
I just had chills all over mybody and I like hurried and sent
it to Ben and hurried and sentit to Tara and I was like, I
think I found it.
I love that so much.
Um, so there is so much of yourstory I actually don't know.

(05:08):
So I'm actually really excitedto hear and I'm going to just
like give it over to you tostart.
And so much for being here.
We'll go from there.
Okay.
Um, so I was born in ColoradoSprings.
My mom and my dad, I guess youcould call them high school
sweethearts.
They met when they were 15.
Um, they were 17 when they hadme.
My mom turned 18 a few weekslater and my dad turned 18 a few

(05:31):
months later.
Um, they were together up untilI was about six months old.
My dad became really controllingand abusive.
Um, and kind of used me as a wayto manipulate my mom.
Um, there was one at one point,I think I was about three months

(05:53):
old.
And of course this is all I'veheard from my mom.
Um, I was about three months oldand she left to surprise him to
go get some kittens.
They had another roommate andshe said, Hey, I'll be right
back.
Can you just watch Amber?
My dad was asleep.
And, uh, when she came back, Shecouldn't find me anywhere.
Oh my god.
And she was just begging andpleading and yelling at him for

(06:14):
an hour to Just give me back.
And I guess what he had done ishe had told the neighbors, he
had taken me over to theneighbors and I don't know what
he told them Yeah.
Was going on, but eventuallythey heard, after about an hour,
they heard my parents fightingand came over and were like,
Amber's over here.
She's safe.
Oh.
Um, my mom, poor mom.

(06:35):
I, I can't, I mean, 15 minuteswould be torture, but an hour my
heart would be.
all over the place.
But, um, yeah, so my momeventually tried to leave my
dad.
She had to move a couple oftimes because he kept finding
out where we were.
Um, and of course she's 18 yearsold, single mom, doesn't have a
lot of money to be going allover the place.

(06:57):
So she's just finding apartmentsand some of them were even in
the same complex.
But, um, at one point she saidhe snuck into her apartment and
Had time to get me dressed andput me in my car seat and was
tiptoeing out of the room He wastrying to kidnap me And he had
she woke up and she's like, whatare you doing?

(07:20):
He's like, I was just gonna takeher for a drive I just missed my
dog.
I just wanted to see her andshe's like in the middle of the
night Yeah You can call me andwe can make plans and I she said
that he had left a picture ofhimself on her nightstand and
said something along the linesof like See you later, type of a
thing.
Like, I'll never see you again,type of a thing.
And, um, so yeah, so she was,she was very worried because it

(07:44):
didn't seem like he had anylimits.
He was gonna do anything.
Um, so eventually she got a holdof her mom, my grandma, um, her
name's Lonnie.
And, um, My grandma Lonnie wasable to move both my mom and I
to Utah when I was about sixmonths old.
Okay.
I remember talking to my dad onthe phone a couple of times when

(08:05):
I was little.
Eventually, my mom let him talkto me.
He didn't find out where we werefor a few months, three or four
months, I think.
And, um, the first time that Imet him was, I want to say I was
three or four.
Um, by that time he had movedfrom Colorado up to Michigan,

(08:26):
which is where my grandpa, hisdad lived.
Um, and who my grandpa hadremarried and had other kids,
my, so my dad had some siblingsup there too.
And, um, So we, somehow myparents decided to give it
another shot.
We moved up to Michigan for ashort amount of time.
So that was my first timemeeting him.

(08:47):
Oh wow.
And some of my first memories ofhim, I mean we have good
memories of like sledding andgoing fishing and um, I don't
think we were up there for verylong, only a few months, but I
do remember him being abusive tomy mom.
Um, I remember him actuallyhitting her.
While we were in the car at onepoint, that's like one of my

(09:08):
first memories, um, is mesitting in the back seat.
They had been to a party, theypicked me up from the babysitter
and they were fighting when theypicked me up, um, and he just
reached over and whacked her,whacked her, yeah, um, and so I
remember her having, you know.
He'd hit her in the nose and soshe had two black eyes.
Oh my gosh.

(09:29):
And that wasn't the first time Iremember her having black eyes a
couple of times while we were upthere.
Yeah.
So we left and um, moved back toUtah.
My mom met somebody else who hewas in our life for, I think
they were together for 10 years.
Okay.
And he was a father figure tome.
I mean he taught me how to andum, taught me how to We would go

(09:54):
camping all the time, and so,uh, he was a great guy for a
little while.
They got into the partyinglifestyle, and they were
partying so hard that my mom wasthe one who was supporting us
most of the time.
And he couldn't keep a job.
Um, we moved around quite a lot.
After that we moved to, um, sohis name is Gordon.

(10:17):
Mm hmm.
We moved back to ColoradoSprings for a short amount of
time.
I remember him being abusive tomy mom as well.
I don't remember seeing him hither, but I remember them yelling
and her being scared of him.
Yeah.
Um, they broke up and got backtogether several times at one
point.
Yeah.
He held a gun to her head andthreatened to shoot her.

(10:38):
Oh my goodness.
Were you there?
I wasn't, I wasn't there.
I don't, I don't even rememberif I was in the house.
I remember it had happened.
And so we moved to live with myaunt for a short amount of time.
And I remember talking to mycousin about it and she asked
me, why does your mom keep goingback to Gordon?
And I was like, I don't know.
Yeah.
And I remember at one point, howold was I?

(10:59):
Um, I think I was seven and welived in West Valley here in
Utah.
Um, they were fighting and I wasjust so sick of it at that
point.
Like at that point I was justdone with him.
Yeah.
Great guy, but please leave.
And she was telling him that,uh, she wanted him out of the
house.
And so I went into the bedroom.
I remember this.
I went into the bedroom and Ipulled all of his clothes off of

(11:22):
the hangers and like shovedthem.
There were some boxes still inthe closet.
And I just like shoved them inthe boxes and like, Pulled him
out into the living room.
My mom's like, what are youdoing?
And I was like, he's leaving.
Isn't he?
And, um, yeah.
So, and then I, uh, let me see.

(11:42):
So.
I'm dying.
Like I can just picture cutelittle seven year old Amber,
like, and we're done.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Peace out.
Um, but yeah, so we moved arounda little bit.
We moved to, my mom and I movedto Texas when they broke up.
Um, my uncle, my mom's olderbrother lived down there.
And so we moved there to getaway from him.

(12:02):
He followed us.
They worked things out, got backtogether.
We moved back to Utah.
Um, at one point we.
We're going to move to Kentuckywhere my mom's dad lives, my
grandpa.
And my grandma, so my grandmaand grandpa got divorced when my
mom was 12.
Okay.
Um, but my grandma was like allfor this move.

(12:25):
So she came over to help us.
Pack everything and move out andthe last night that she was
there and I was stoked My momhad taken me out of the school
there We had plans to we didn'tknow how long we were gonna stay
in Kentucky, but it was gonna belong enough So my grandpa had
already looked into theelementary school there and I
was amped about it.
Yeah And the last night when wewere about to we're supposed to

(12:45):
leave the next morningApparently my mom and Gordon had
talked and decided to try again.
My grandma was pissed.
I was pissed I was eight yearsold at this point.
I think I was about to turneight and I wanted to go So my
mom thought well Maybe it wouldbe a good idea if she went and
then it would give me and Gordona chance to kind of work things

(13:06):
Out and get back on our feet.
And so I The plan continued.
It was just that I was the onlyone that went we're going alone.
Yeah, so my grandma Drove toKansas met up with my grandpa.
My grandpa drove back the restof the way and I lived with my
grandpa Let's see, I finishedout second grade there so my mom

(13:29):
And my grandma made a road tripout to come and see me and the
plan was to get me and take meback.
Yeah.
My grandma knew that my momwould have done better just
staying out there.
And so she talked to my grandpaand said, I'm gonna just leave
her here.
She woke up early and justpeaced out and my mom was really
mad at first, but once we kindof started making friends and

(13:50):
she was able, she was using atthe time and so she was able to
get clean while we were outthere and get a job.
My grandpa helped her get a carand then she and Gordon worked
things out again.
So we moved back to Utah and um,I'm trying to think, and then
um, that was when we, gosh thisis where it gets a little bit

(14:15):
blurry, um, So that was when wemoved to, oh we went to help
some friends.
And this is something that Ikind of talk about in my first
episode of my podcast.
So, um, my mom and her andGordon had a friend that said,
hey, you can come and stay in myhouse.

(14:37):
Just take care of my kids.
I'm going to be going to jail.
I paid the rent.
I paid the utilities.
Um, you guys can just stay here.
And you'll have a place to live.
And at that point we had beencouch surfing, we had been
living in our car, we'd beenliving, we had a fifth wheel on
the back of our truck where we'dbeen parking it in people's
driveways and it was neverhooked up to water or power or
anything.
So we were literally sleeping inthere.

(14:58):
And then, um, like if I had topee in the middle of the night,
I had to pee in a cup and likedump it outside.
And, um, we, And all the otherkids that I knew at that age
were living kind of the same wayor very similar, so I didn't
know much different.
Yeah, it felt super normal.

(15:20):
Yeah, it was very normal to me.
And so we had our fifth will, wewere staying at this house, and
I don't know if the friend justdidn't know how long he was
going to be gone, or um, didn'tpay enough or what, but it ended
up that the water and the powerran out in the house.

(15:42):
And so he had five kids rangingfrom 15 to two.
Oh, wow.
Um, his wife had passed away theyear before.
And, um, so my parents aretaking care of six kids.
I was, I think I was eight ornine at the time.
Um, I think I was still eight,but, um, So yeah, when the water

(16:05):
and the power went out, we hadflashlights, us kids would sleep
in the house, and my parent, ormy mom and her boyfriend would
sleep in the fifth wheel.
If we had to go to the bathroom,we couldn't flush the toilets,
so we would pee inside in thetoilets, but if we had to poop,
we would dig a hole in thebackyard, poop, and then bury
it.
Like dogs.
So sad.

(16:26):
So, um, yeah.
And then, We, I don't know whythey had the brilliant idea of
let's take these five kids andwe had two puppies.
Oh wow.
Let's take, or I guess six kidscounting me, let's take these
six kids and two puppies up tothe mountains and go camping.

(16:46):
So we go camping, we get stuckup there.
Um, the kids, I think it wastheir oldest sister, or it might
have been their aunt, came andgot them eventually.
Oh, okay.
Um, and my mom didn't know whatto do.
Uh, Gordon had gone down themountain to get gas and he'd
been, gotten stuck for a coupleof days.

(17:07):
And so my mom called her cousin.
who is more like an aunt to me.
Yeah.
She came and got me.
Did you have food at this timeor anything?
Yeah, we had, we had food.
You were just stuck.
We were just stuck because wedidn't have gas to leave.
Okay.
Um, and, and we had twotrailers.
We had a pop up trailer and thefifth wheel on our truck.

(17:28):
Okay.
And, um, and two puppies.
So we, my mom's cousin comes toget me.
And she has my mom signed somepapers and my, our cousin just
told my mom that it wasbasically paper so that I could,
if I needed to go to the doctoror depending on how long it
took, if she could enroll me inschool.
Yeah.
That kind of a thing.

(17:48):
What she was really signing waspaperwork saying she was an
unfit mother and, um, signingaway her custody basically.
She had no idea.
My mom didn't read it.
She was just in a panic andlike, yeah, sure.
Of course, if she has to go tothe hospital, I'll let you take
her.
Um, okay.
So I just remember, um, that Ihad to like get dressed nice to

(18:11):
have meetings with peoplesometimes.
And I didn't understand why andmy cousin told me, well it's so
that we can find out, you know,if you need to go to school or
we can whatever.
And then eventually she told meit's to find out if you need to
get a new mom and dad.
And I didn't really understand.
Yeah.
My mom wasn't allowed to see me.
Um, so.

(18:32):
It, it was all very vague, but Ididn't really understand why I
needed to have another mom.
I remember telling her, like, Ialready have a mom.
They're like, this is normal tome.
Yeah.
Why are we doing this?
Why do I need a new mom?
Yeah, exactly.
And I never, to be clear, Inever felt unloved.
I never felt abandoned oruncared for.
My mom always made sure I hadfood to eat.
She always made sure that I wasclean and had a place to sleep

(18:53):
and that we had, A safe place tobe.
Everything she could give you.
Right, exactly.
Everything that she could giveme in that situation.
So I never felt unloved orabused or abandoned or anything
like that at the time.
Um, so what I found out later isthat the day that the papers
went through, and I think it waslater that day I was supposed to

(19:14):
go into foster care, thatmorning my grandpa and my mom
Came and got me to take me backout to Kentucky.
So basically my mom, she had toshow that she had a job and a
stable place to live and theonly thing that she knew to do
at that time was to call mygrandpa.
Um, and so we moved back out toKentucky again.

(19:36):
Um, I was there for part ofthird grade.
Okay.
And for me it was great becauselike I had said bye to all of
these friends.
Yeah.
You got to go back and see them.
Yeah, and so I go back and hearall my friends, and they're
like, Amber, you're back! Aw,cute.
It was great, and I loved livingout there.
My grandpa bred horses for aliving, so he had a lot of
horses.
He has a lot of, he still livesout there and has a lot of land.

(19:58):
Yeah.
Um, it just was like, a countrysong.
Oh yeah, so beautiful.
Yeah, and um, we had a lot offriends that we would go four
wheeling with them and havebarbecues out on their land.
It was just, I loved it outthere.
Yeah.
Um, my mom and Gordon got backtogether again.
Yeah.
And throughout this time he wasin and out of jail too, so

(20:20):
that's part of the time when hewas MIA or when we moved
somewhere.
Yeah.
Um, so at this point, I believeit was right before I turned.
nine or I had just turned nine.
Yeah, I think I was nine.
We moved back out to Utah.
We lived in Provo and, um, wefound some program.

(20:40):
I don't know what the programwas, if it was through the
church or if it was through thestate or what, but they helped
us find a house to live in, um,helped us get food and our house
settled in and everything.
Um, both my mom and Gordon werestill using at the time.
Um, they were addicted to meth.
Did you know, like as a kid, Iknow like looking back you know,

(21:00):
but like do you, do you rememberat all like that you knew they
were using drugs?
No, I never knew.
I, well, let me clarify.
I never knew until when we livedin that house, um, with the no
running water.
Yeah.
Um, Gordon was really big onbeing honest with me.
To a fault.
Like, too honest?

(21:20):
Too honest.
And at one point I remember Iwent into the fifth wheel to
grab something and he was like,Hey Amber, I want to be, I
always want to be honest withyou.
You know I'll always be honestwith you, right?
And I said, yeah.
And he said, cause that wassomething that he'd said ever
since I was, you know, little.
He'd been in the picture since Iwas around four.
Right.
Um, and he said, I'll never lieto you.
And so he's like, you know, I'malways honest with you.

(21:41):
I said, yeah.
And he's like, well, I want, Ijust want to show you, this is
why we live the life that welived.
And he smoked meth right infront of me.
And my mom found out and she waspissed because she had been
very, very careful about notshowing you about not showing
that part to me.
And so at the time, outside ofthat instance, I had no idea why

(22:04):
we lived the way that we did.
And it felt normal.
Yeah.
At the time.
Exactly.
So yeah, so, um, so we lived inthis house.
It was in Provo, I believe.
I always get Provo and Orem,like, they're so close to each
other.
Yeah, um, so it was in Provo, Ibelieve.
And, um, I'd made friends withthe neighbors and they'd kind of

(22:24):
taken me in.
So I had somewhat of like a,what normal was like.
Yeah.
And Gordon was in and out ofjail while we lived there.
Um, and this house is an olderhouse.
The garage was separate and itwas really big.
They had like a little workshop,um, with like a table and my,
both my parents like to go rockhunting.

(22:46):
So we had a lot of like gems andeverything cute.
And I know in hindsight, I'mlike, man, I wish I would have
known.
Cause I'm really into that stuffnow.
I wish I would have appreciatedit as a kid.
But, um, yeah.
Yeah, so I remember we weregoing somewhere and I had my
roller skates on.
I was obsessed with my rollerskates.
I would go everywhere in them.
And I can just imagine my mom,she would always be like, well

(23:09):
you just take the skates off.
We're in a hurry.
And I didn't really know how toskate, so it was like this
little scoot waddle thing.
But yeah, so I was so obsessedwith these roller skates.
Um, so I remember we were goingsomewhere, we got to the car,
and I'm putting my stuff in thecar.
And my mom is still in thehouse.
They had had a fight earlier,and uh, Gordon was standing on

(23:32):
one of the work benches.
And I turned to him and he goes,Amber, have you ever seen
anybody die before?
Oh my gosh.
And I was like, no, I'm nine.
Yeah.
And he says, well you're aboutto.
And he put a noose, a ropearound his neck and he stepped
off of the table.

(23:52):
Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh.
And I didn't know what to do.
I was just frozen.
Like I couldn't, I couldn'tscream.
I couldn't, like, I didn'treally understand what was going
on, going on happening.
I'd never seen this before.
And perfect timing, my mom comesin and she, um, She didn't
really see me at first.

(24:12):
Yeah.
And she starts lifting him upand she's like, no, you're not
doing this.
You're not doing this.
And she was able to cut the ropeand, um, get him down.
And she tells me, Amber, can youplease go next door and ask them
to call 911?
She says, tell them to call theparamedics.
Tell them that your dad, cause Idid call him Yeah.

(24:33):
Tell them that your dad tried tokill himself.
And so I roller skated over tothe neighbor's house.
Oh, Amber.
And tell them to call theparamedics.
And I just remember because Iknew what 901 was, I knew what
an ambulance was, but I'd neverheard the word paramedics
before.
So I remember practicing theword on the way over there.
And they have me talk to themand tell them what's going on

(24:55):
and the lady says, Amber, you'reso brave for telling us this
story.
Just want you to know.
And um, they kept me over therewhile the ambulance came and got
him.
So by the time I went back to myhouse, Everything was quiet and
cleared out and it was just mymom and we went and stayed at a
friend's house That night and Iremember my mom telling me if

(25:16):
your friends ask you Why thepolice and the paramedics were
at our house?
Just tell them you don't knowthat you weren't home And so
from that age, it was very muchlike okay.
This is something to keep asecret.
Yeah So that's when I was nineand I He got out, they were

(25:37):
still together, we couch surfedand stayed with other people.
And, um, I remember we were atthis house, I can see it in my
mind, we were at this house andI was sleeping in a sleeping bag
on the floor in the living room.
And I just remember cryingmyself to sleep every night
because to me Colorado wasalways home.
And I just missed home.

(25:57):
I missed my dad.
And at that point I had a littlesister and I missed my little
sister.
That's all I have to say.
And, um, so my mom tookadvantage of the opportunity of
Christmas break coming up and memissing home.
So she arranged for me to go flyto see my family there, my dad,
my biological dad, and, um, andmy Korean grandma.

(26:20):
And she just thought, okay, wellshe has, I think I had like a
one month break or somethinglike that.
So she figured I would just bethere for a few weeks and she
could get, things in order.
Yeah.
And I remember she said, well,if you want to stay a little bit
longer because you miss yourfamily, you can.
So that winter break turnedinto, I lived with my grandma

(26:41):
and my real dad for, um, two anda half years.
Oh wow.
Yeah.
And then I moved to live with mymom's mom, Lonnie.
At that point, she had moved toDurango, Colorado to take care
of her parents.
And so when I lived with my dad,I was going.
down to, I lived in ColoradoSprings and I was going down to

(27:01):
Durango, Colorado for springbreak and summer break to visit
my other grandma.
And, um, Korean culture just isvery, there's a lot of pressure
to be the top of your class, tobe perfect at everything.
Um, my grandma owned a taekwondoschool and so there was Korean
culture and then the fact that Iwas the owner's granddaughter.
So I had to be the best inclass.
I had to do the best in school.

(27:21):
And what I realized when I movedfrom Utah to Colorado, And my
grandma enrolled me in school sothat when she enrolled me in
school, I was in fourth grade.
Um, it was, I think it was likethe second quarter.
So still begin at first half ofthe year.
And, um, that was my 14th schoolthat I had been to.
Oh my gosh.

(27:41):
And so I realized I was very,very behind in school.
I mean, how could you not beright missing that much in
transferring and all of that.
So I, um, yeah.
I was very behind.
My grades were kind of not thatgreat.
Yeah, which is totallyunderstandable.
Yeah.
And you have way too much onyour shoulders for a nine year
old.

(28:01):
Yeah, and had seen things thatthe other nine year olds in my
class hadn't and couldn't relateto.
And might never see.
Yeah, hopefully.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Seriously.
And it was a little bit of aculture shock, because this is
the first time that I've beenaround people who Have no idea
what it's like to live the lifethat I've lived.
Yeah.
I was going to an academydistrict, so this is, um, a

(28:23):
military district.
Oh.
And so lots of name brands andit wasn't just like a normal,
like I went to middle class typeof a school.
Yeah.
It was like all of a sudden Iwent from zero to a hundred.
Oh.
And, um, how confusing to, yeah.
Um, so yeah, it was reallyinteresting.
I, um.

(28:44):
So I just, I wasn't doing thatgreat in school, which was
upsetting to my grandma.
In hindsight, I can see, like,how she just wanted me to do my
best.
Yeah.
But my, you know, 9, year oldbrain translated it to, you're
not good enough.
Yeah, of course it did.
Yeah.
And so, um, I just, it just mademe plummet more and more and

(29:06):
more.
Um, so my, um, My other grandma,my mom's mom, Lonnie, could see
that I wasn't happy.
And she decided that it was timefor me to come and move and live
with her.
So I had just turned 12, I wasthere for spring break, and I
just stayed with her.
Until I was, um, Let's see,right before I turned 19.

(29:28):
Oh wow.
So I lived with her for quite awhile.
Yeah.
In that time, my mom and Gordonbroke up.
Um, my mom actually starteddating my stepdad, who,
ironically, she and him, hisname is James, she and James
had, um, been together when Iwas, I think I was 13.
three.
Oh wow.

(29:48):
And they'd known each other fora couple years, and um, he had a
son, Tyler, who's almost, or alittle over a year older than
me.
And so like, he and I werebuddies.
Yeah.
We used to play all the time,and they were together for a
little less than a year, andthen right after Gordon is went,
Or sorry, right after my mom andJames broke up is when she met
Gordon.
And so they lost touch with eachother, got back in touch when I

(30:12):
was around 16 and the timing wasright and they were both
cleaning up their lives anddoing really good, and so they
got back together.
Um, he has been, James, mystepdad, which I still call him
dad, has been more of a fatherfigure to me than, than my real
dad and Gordon.

(30:33):
Um, He's also involved in, indrugs.
Um, his addiction is heroin.
And I just think that it says alot that even in his addiction,
he's still been such an examplefor me.
Yeah, that's huge.
Um, so yeah, so they weretogether for about 10 years.
Um, let me rewind a little bit.
So when I moved to live with mygrandma Lonnie, um, which if

(30:58):
anybody knows me, I talk abouther all the time.
She was a huge influence in mylife.
She was my mother figure.
Yeah.
And She was Jehovah's Witness Soshe I mean I'd always had the
influence of Jehovah's Witnessbecause when I was little we
moved to live with her I'd keptin contact with her over the
phone So we were always talkingabout it when I moved to live

(31:18):
with her.
It was very concentrated Likethat was the life that we lived.
Yeah so I baptized when I was15.
Um, I regular pioneered, whichbasically when your job is
witness, they go in the door todoor work.
And if you're dedicating so manyhours per month, you can do it a
month at a time, which would beauxiliary pioneering.

(31:40):
And then they have regularpioneering, which is where you
commit a year at a time to this.
And so I was going out in thedoor to door work at the time.
It's changed a little bit, butat the time it was, um, 70 hours
a week.
Oh my goodness.
Or no, no, no.
Let me rewind.
Sorry.
70 hours a month.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm like still though 70hours a month.
That's a lot.

(32:01):
Yeah.
So, um, it was full time.
Yeah.
Uh, I was very zealous.
It was everything that I wanted.
It gave me all the hopes anddreams fulfilled and, um, gave
me the community and the familythat I wanted.
Um, When I was 18, I kind ofstarted getting curious about

(32:21):
boys and, um, I came to visit mymom and I tried drinking for the
first time and, uh, I met a guyand had a boyfriend and lost my
virginity and all of that stuffand, and then I went back to
Durango.
So I was here for summer breakor I went to go visit my real
dad for the summer and then Um,came here and then went back to

(32:44):
Durango and it was like, okay,my whole life has changed and
I've done all of these thingsthat are against my religion
because they don't believe insex before marriage.
And I was curious about it andAnd enjoyed some of the things
that I was doing, but I alsofelt so, so guilty.
I was gonna say, was there shameinvolved when you got back?

(33:05):
Oh, so much.
So much.
Um, I was living a double lifefor a short amount of time while
I was in Durango, which wasalso, it was like, I like doing
these things, but also, so muchshame and guilt around it.
Oh, yeah.
Especially because I didn'tgrow, I wasn't Jehovah's Witness
from birth.
Yeah.
Um, I was Jehovah's Witness bychoice, more or less, and so,

(33:28):
and the fact that my parentsweren't Witnesses, my grandma
was, um, and then I was, it putme as an example in the
congregation.
And so I had been put on thispedestal.
Mm hmm.
And And it just made that falleven harder emotionally.
So much pressure.
Like, I could just see in yourlife, like, how much pressure

(33:50):
was put on you.
Just like, time after time aftertime, and it's just so much.
To perform it a specific way,like, everyone else's
expectations of me.
So yeah, so I had a lot of guiltand a lot of shame, and I had a
very deep depression to where Idid have suicidal ideations of,
like, it would just be easier.

(34:10):
I don't talk to a lot of peopleabout this part, but, um, Excuse
me.
Thanks.
Um, I, I started cutting becauseit was a way of, um, relieving
that pain.
It was like I had all of thisemotional pain that I didn't
know what to do with it.

(34:31):
Yeah.
And cutting was like, okay, nowI have a physical pain.
Yeah.
To look at.
It like releases the emotionalpain.
Exactly.
Yeah.
It was like, okay, now I havesomething to look at, something
to put a bandaid on, somethingto fix.
And also a distraction.
Yeah.
And um, my mom, excuse me,sorry.
No, you're good.
I came to visit my mom, uh, forsummer break.

(34:55):
And I just graduated high schooland she saw the cuts on my arms
and my leg.
And she's like, what is goingon, Amber?
You're not the same person.
Something is going on.
And I finally broke down andtold her.
And, um, she's like, I can't letyou go back into that.

(35:16):
It's so concentrated.
Yeah, the pressure and I livedin such a small town.
There was only one congregationthere So you knew who was a
witness you knew who wasn't sothe likelihood of me getting
caught if I in my double life Ihad a boyfriend who wasn't a
witness and the pressure wasjust very very high and so I
Agreed to move to Utah and shewas like you can be a witness

(35:38):
here.
You can go to the meetings youcan You Do the whole thing here.
I won't stop you.
I'll encourage you to go if youneed a ride I'll give you a ride
like was very supportive, but itgave me Moving to salt lake gave
me some anonymity which meant itgave me the choice Yeah of where
I wanted to be without thepressure.

(35:59):
Exactly.
Yeah And so I came here.
I went through um, Therapy, Idid group therapy.
I did one on one therapy and umAnd then I was still going to
meetings and everything.
And then I just kind of quicklyrealized like, this isn't what I
want to do.

(36:19):
Like, this isn't what makes mehappy anymore.
And I remember I kept trying togo back, like every few months I
would go to a meeting or I wouldmeet up with the friends or
whatever.
And it got to the point where itwas just like excruciating for
me to sit there.
So I ended up leaving thereligion.
There's a couple of ways thatyou can leave.
Um, some very official ways ofleaving and I decided I didn't

(36:43):
want to do that because it meantthat my friends couldn't still
talk to me, including mygrandma.
Oh my goodness.
Um, and so I decided That's arule.
They can't talk to you if youleave.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So there's, you can either beexcommunicated or I mean, um,
now the terminology is slippingmy brain.
So you can be disfellowshipped,which basically means like

(37:03):
you've sinned, you've beencounseled a couple of times and
you're still doing that sinning.
Um, Which is what I would havebeen if I would have gone back
and confessed all my sins.
Right.
Um, you can disassociateyourself or excommunicate
yourself, which is where you,um, write a letter and say, I
want to be taken out of thebooks.

(37:24):
I am no longer a Jehovah'sWitness.
I don't want to be part of thisanymore.
I don't want to be counted inyour numbers or anything.
And if you do that, they can'ttalk to you.
In both situations, they can'ttalk to you.
Um, you're basically dead tothem.
Yeah.
And I didn't want that.
Yeah.
I mean, that's your motherfigure.
Exactly.
And all of my closest friends.
Yeah.
Yeah.

(37:44):
And in the back of my mind, Ikind of always thought, well,
maybe I'll go back someday.
And so I didn't want thatroadblock if I decided to go
back.
So I just kind of slowly fadedout.
Eventually all my friendsstopped talking to me anyways.
Um, my grandma did still talk tome at one point.
She told me.
That she couldn't anymore thatshe was just gonna keep it

(38:05):
strictly business and that washeartbreaking to me I remember
At that point I had been out for10 years.
Oh, well, how old are you then?
Um, so when I left I was 19.
Okay, and Like I'm too yeah, soI was well no, so when she told
me that she couldn't talk to meanymore I was 27 I think Um 27

(38:31):
or 28 Um, and so I, it justbroke my heart.
Like I didn't understand it atfirst, but then at the same
time, like, I get what she'sbeing told.
I get what she's being taught,and I knew it wasn't easy for
her.
I could hear the heartbreak inher voice when she was telling
me.
And so, um, yeah, it was reallyhard to hear your mom basically

(38:56):
tell you, I can't talk to youanymore.
Um, And so many mixed emotionsof like, heartbreak, but also
wanting to be supportive.
Yeah.
Because I knew that she wasdoing what she believed was
right.
And I knew it was hurting hertoo, but in her mind it was like
her everlasting life was on theline.

(39:16):
Oh, it's so hard.
So, um, yeah, so she was like, Imean, we had a phone plan
together, so she's like, I'lltalk to you about that and keep
things short, but I can't havelike these long conversations or
you visiting me.
And, um, yeah, so that was kindof hard.
I ended up, I had to take a sickday.
My boss like didn't reallyunderstand that, but I was like,

(39:39):
I've just got some, some familystuff going on.
Seriously.
Um, but yeah, so, um, when Imoved to Utah, my mom was clean.
Um, my stepdad was in prison atthe time.
Okay.
And, um, um, Uh, we lived in theavenues.
We moved into an apartment inHoliday, and then my stepdad got

(40:01):
out of prison.
They ended up getting back intothe partying lifestyle.
Um, our lease was up, andbecause he was a felon, we
couldn't live in that apartment.
Um, and a lot of apartmentswouldn't take it, wouldn't let
us.
So we found a house, um, inSouth Salt Lake that we were
living in.
Um, we were there for less thana year, and my parents, um, my

(40:23):
mom and my stepdad, got into,um, selling, dealing drugs.
My mom was into meth, he wasinto heroin, and they got each
other.
into each other's drugs.
So they were both doing meth andheroin.
I was 22 at the time and, um, Iremember when the cops came and
they got my dad, my stepdad, andI told my mom, I was like, you

(40:45):
know, I waited 10 years to beable to come and live with you
and now here I am and what areyou doing?
And I told her I'm moving out onmy own.
I don't want to live with youanymore.
So I moved out.
I got my own apartment and, um,Dude, I had nothing.
Yeah, were you still doingcounseling at this point?
No, um, I did counseling forprobably, um, two or three

(41:11):
months.
Okay.
And some of them had talkedabout getting me on medication,
but I really quickly realized,like, this is a situational
depression.
Um, and once I started decidingwhat I really wanted, what path
I wanted to take, whether to bea witness or not, and getting
that clarification for myself, Inoticed that judgment and that

(41:31):
depression falling away.
Um, so yeah, so that was, andevery now and then I still had
like hard moments, hard momentsof struggle, but there I could
see a lot more light.
Yeah.
So, um, so yeah, so that was notvery long.
And then, um, at this point whenI moved into my apartment, I

(41:53):
had, um, it was just me.
I tried to get a roommate, butit just didn't work out.
So it was just me.
Um, in this one bedroomapartment, I had my bed, I had a
dresser, um, I had a coffeetable and I had this, um, like
Walmart entertainment centerwith nothing in it.

(42:14):
Um, I think I had my stereo formy room and that was it.
That's all I had.
Uh, so.
I moved in Valentine's Dayweekend.
My, um, birthday is a week afterthat.
And so my housewarming party wasmy birthday party.
And I remember telling everybodyjust like BYO alphabet, bring
your own hair, bring your ownbooze, bring your own pillows,
bring your own plates andsilverware.

(42:34):
Yeah, exactly.
If you think you're going toneed it, you have to bring it.
I don't have it.
And, um, I just, I worked twojobs.
I had my full time job, uh,corporate job, and I worked as a
cocktail waitress and a hookahgirl at night and on weekends,
and I just kind of busted myass, and I was able to furnish
an entire apartment.

(42:55):
I had a lot of people who gaveme things, which I was so
grateful for.
Like, I didn't even care that mydishes didn't match the fact
that I had dishes.
I was so grateful.
And, um, All the while, my momwas using.
And she came to stay with me afew times.
A couple times she thought shewas moving in and I had to tell
her again We're not livingtogether ever again.

(43:18):
Yeah, like you can come and staya couple of nights, but that's
it.
Yeah Um, there were times whereshe would call me asking me to
take her to a detox center todrop her off And then I would
have to pick her up again acouple of days later because it
just didn't stick or She didn'twant to be there.
Um to be fair the detox centersare disgusting.
Yeah, so I kind of don't blameher but um There were times

(43:41):
where I would have to pick herup from one place because she'd
had a fight with whoever she wasstaying with and I'd have to
take her to a new place that shewas gonna stay, um, or She would
say that she'd been staying inher storage unit, um, and I
would take her food.
Yeah So much responsibility.
Yeah, and like basically you'rethe parent in that situation.

(44:03):
Yeah Yeah, and I had to go I didend up going through therapy
during that time too becausethere was just I had so much
Anger, yeah, she would text meand say just to say hi.
I love you I hope you're havinga great day and it would really
Ruin my entire mood because Iwas just so angry And I realized
like there's no way that I canbe supportive And have a
relationship ever again with mymom if i'm this angry with her

(44:26):
um, so I did end up goingthrough therapy for that and um
It helped me have a betteroutlook with her To kind of
separate myself of not takingownership of the things that she
was doing.
Yeah um but yeah, she She wasusing, let's see, she's been

(44:47):
clean now for three and a halfyears, or it was, um, yeah, it
was three years in September, sothree and a half years.
So it was a good 12, 13 yearsthat she was using.
Wow.
And I was helping her outhowever I could within the
boundaries that I could.
Yeah.
Um, I.

(45:08):
And while trying to navigate myown relationships and I, I
didn't have a very great exampleof how a relationship works as
far as like communication oranything like that goes.
So, um, my relationships werekind of all over the place and I
partied a lot and there were alot of times where I would try
something and be like, oof, Ilike this a little too much.

(45:31):
We're going to stay away fromthat.
That's huge though that you werethat self aware too.
Yeah.
To be able to do that.
Thank you.
Yeah, I just.
I'm glad that I was the onewhere my parents set an example
of what I didn't want to be, towhere I was like hyper aware of
addiction being in my system.
Usually, I mean it doesn'talways work that way.
Yeah.
A lot of times the statisticsare not in your favor.

(45:52):
Yeah.
In that situation.
Well and I have a couple ofsiblings where, have proven
that.
Yeah.
Um, which is sad but also at thesame time it's like, What
example did you have, you know?
Yeah, totally.
Um.
So you're working two jobs atthis point?
Yeah, working two jobs.
Um, I went, I had a boyfriendthat I moved in with.

(46:13):
It didn't work out, moved outagain.
Um, and I eventually met, um, Ihad just broken up a boyfriend
and realized I had kind ofadopted all of his friends as my
friends.
And when we broke up, they madeit pretty clear that we weren't

(46:34):
really friends.
Like they just stopped talkingto me.
And so, yeah.
So I realized like all of myfriends live up North and I'm
hardly ever up there.
I need some friends in SaltLake.
So one of my friends at thetime, um, worked with.
Had a coworker who said, Well,hey, I'm having this summer
barbecue beer Olympics.

(46:56):
Um, invite your friends.
You should come.
And my friend didn't reallydrink beer.
But I did.
You're like, I'm down for somebeer olympics.
Exactly.
And she's like, I'll be yourdesignated driver, you said you
wanted to make new friends, I'mnot going to know anybody there
except for my coworker Andy.
And I was like, okay, cool.
I'll go.
This sounds great.

(47:17):
And she was one that's, I tendto be a little bit late for
everything and she's one that'salways super early.
So we're there super early.
So we're kind of helping setthings up a little bit.
And then in walks these two guyswho I found out later were named
Lester and Ben.
And I saw Ben and I was like,Oh, he is cute.

(47:39):
And so I like, couldn't stopstaring at him.
And I literally.
Literally, I'm not joking, Ifollowed him around the entire
time.
Oh my gosh, I love that.
So we have, I always joke ourfirst picture together is him
with his teammate and me likephotobombing in the background.
You're like, I'm here too.
Yeah.
Don't forget about me.

(48:01):
And I, yeah, I just thought hewas so cute.
So by the end of the night itwas so funny because my friend,
it was late, she wanted toleave.
And so everybody else could tellthat we liked each other and
we're like, she's in good hands,he's a great guy, and we'll make
sure she gets home safe.
And so she asked me, do you feelsafe?
And I was like, yeah, I wasgonna ask you if I could
actually stay.
So she goes and I remember oneof our other friends pulls me

(48:21):
aside and she's like, Amber,Ben's such a great guy.
He's really got his lifetogether and like gives Ben this
like whole pep, or gives me thispep talk about Ben and I was
like, okay that's good because Ialready like him.
You're like, I can tell.
And, um, so I put him in myphone, we exchanged numbers.
He's like, would you want to goout with me on a date?
And I was like, yeah, of course.

(48:42):
So I get his number, put him inmy phone as the Ben, the Ben,
the Ben, like in all caps, theBen.
And, um, a week later we went onour first date.
And he, it's funny, he went on awork trip, came home, and he was
sick, and then he had a bunch ofwork to do, and blah blah blah,
so we kept setting up our seconddate, and he kept bailing on me.

(49:03):
Oh no.
And I would go home and talk tomy roommate and be like, yeah,
we reset our date, I'm soexcited, it's tonight, and then
he would text me that day, hey,I'm not feeling good, or hey, I
have a lot of work to catch upon.
He bailed on me, I don't evenknow how many times, I think it
was over five times.
Oh my gosh.
And so I remember one night.
I told my roommate we were goingto this local hip hop show and I
invited Ben and I told him yourtickets paid for if you show up.

(49:24):
Great, if you don't, no bigdeal.
But I told my roommate who wasgoing with me, if he doesn't
show up tonight, you have tocount me, hold me accountable.
I'm never talking to him again.
And he showed up.
Good thing.
Yeah.
And I told him, I was like,you're so lucky that you showed
up.
I wasn't going to talk to youanymore.
And he was like, really?
I'm like, yeah, I was sick ofyou bailing on me.
And so he was, we were at eachother's house almost every

(49:46):
single day after that.
Cute.
Um, so that was um, 11 yearsago.
Um.
So how long did you date beforeyou got engaged?
We were together for sevenyears.
Oh, wow.
We actually, yeah, his, um, Imoved in with him after I think
we'd been together for almost ayear and a half.
Um, he was the first person toteach me about boundaries that I

(50:10):
could, um, How every, all of myother relationships had told me,
just stop talking to your mom ifshe's bugging you that much, if
she's taking this much of anemotional toll, just stop
talking to her.
And I couldn't do that becausefor a long time it was my, my
mom and me, you know, like wewere you and me against the
world type of thing, you know,totally.
She was my best friend.
And so, um, I couldn't just stoptalking to her.

(50:32):
And Ben was the first one to belike, she's your mom.
Don't stop talking to her, buthave boundaries.
And if you need to remind her ofthose.
Yeah.
I had no idea what boundarieswere.
Um, and he's like, if you needto remind her of that, that's
fine.
Keep reminding her.
We're not going to talk aboutthis.
I'm not going to help you thisway, but I would love to have
this type of a relationship withyou.
And he was the first one thatwas so supportive and helped me

(50:55):
have some structure in all ofthat.
Um, we were together for, Ithink, four years and his job
transferred him to California.
We lived in Santa Cruz for ninemonths and then we moved up to
Portland, Oregon.
We lived there for two years.
And we decided that we wanted tostart having kids.
I wanted to get married first,but he was like, Marriage is

(51:15):
just a paper.
If we have that commitmentalready, why should we do that?
Like, we don't need to involveall of this and pay for this
giant party to show that we'recommitted to each other.
Yeah.
And I realized, like, okay, Iwant to have kids.
And if we're not getting marriedanytime soon, then let's just
start having kids.
Yeah.
So we did things kind of in ourown order.
Yeah.
Um, we, uh, started trying tohave our son and it took us

(51:38):
almost a year and a half andthree rounds of fertility meds
to have him.
Wow, I didn't know that.
Yeah, so that was um, man, thatwas a whole roller coaster on
its own of just going, like,once you decide that you're
ready to have kids, like,Emotionally, you are ready to
have them.
You're like, where are they?
I want them now.
Exactly.
And to go month after month ofjust finding out you're not

(51:59):
going to have one.
I've been talking, I've talkedto Ben about this, and for him,
it was just like, it's just notworking, you know?
But for women, we go throughthis whole thing of what's wrong
with my body, I'm broken, likethis is so natural, I should be
able to do this and I, What do Ido?
Like, what have I done in thepast to make this happen to my
body?
And it's just sends you throughthis whole thing.

(52:21):
Yeah.
And, um, and of, and right inthe middle of that, we had like
a little, I thought I waspregnant.
My period was 10 days late andit turned out it ended up just
being from stress.
But to have that hope just likedangled in front of me, yeah, it
was just awful.
Um, After three rounds offertility meds, it was just kind

(52:45):
of funny because I stoppedtaking pregnancy tests.
I just waited for my period tocome.
Because I couldn't, it washeartbreaking to have the
pregnancy test say no, and thenfor my period to come and remind
me that it was a no, and then tohave to go through another month
of it.
So I stopped taking pregnancytests.
We started doing the fertilitymeds.
And, um, I had kind of justdecided, I'm gonna let my, I'm

(53:10):
gonna start planning my life.
I've put everything on hold ofgoing back to school and doing
all this stuff, so I'm just, I'mgonna do it.
So, um, there was one moreprereq that I needed for the
degree that I wanted to applyfor.
So I signed up for it.
Two months into the semester, Ifind out I'm pregnant.
And what was funny is Bentraveled so much for work.
And I had to mark on hiscalendar when I was ovulating so

(53:31):
that he knew when he needed tobe home.
And that month he was home fivenights throughout the whole
month and two of those nightshappened to be during St.
Patty's Day weekend.
Ooh.
I can guess what happened.
There was beer, everybody gotlucky.
Thank you.
But yeah, so then we found outwe were having our son.

(53:53):
And, um, so when we found out Iwas pregnant, before that I was
like, okay, well, I'm going toapply for this program.
Um, I'm going to go back toschool and do all this stuff.
I'm going to move back to Utahin August, just so you know.
And he was like, okay, if that'swhat you want to do, we'll make
it work.
And so then when I found out Iwas pregnant, it was like, okay,
well, I guess we're still movinghome, same timeline, but for a
different reason.
So we moved back to Utah.

(54:15):
This is just where we alwaysknew we would come back here.
And this is just where oursupport system has always been.
Yeah.
Um, Had our son Beckett in 2019and then we um, Ben proposed in
um, 2020.
Oh, fun.
During the pandemic?
Yeah, right in the middle of it.
We got married in 2021.

(54:36):
Our son Beckett was our ringbear.
Oh, cute.
He was the cutest ring bear.
I can't imagine.
Oh my God.
And he stole the dance floor.
It was so cute.
Of course he did So cute.
Um, and then we had our daughterin, um.
Oh my gosh, 2023.
Did you need to do fertilitymeasure?
Oh, amazing.
No, so here's what's funny withthat, is that everybody says,

(54:59):
you know, now your body knowswhat it's doing, it's going to
be a lot easier, but I thoughtYou know what, just to mentally
prepare myself, I'm going toplan on like six months
emotionally so that I'm notheartbroken.
Totally.
First try.
Oh, wow.
So both of us were like, Oh, uh,already when I told Ben, that's
what he said.
He's like, really already.

(55:20):
So yeah, she was just ready tobe here.
So, um, had her in 2023.
She's my little Friday the 13thbaby.
She's so feisty.
She loves it.
Ah.
Yeah, she's funny.
But, um, yeah, so, uh, we found,Ben was into the growth, self

(55:41):
improvement world since I methim.
Yeah.
And, um, I just always thought,oh, that's great for you.
I'll be supportive in whatyou're doing.
Like, do you need me to help youmake your meals for your meal
plans or whatever, you know?
And, um, never really thought ofit as my own, um, until Right

(56:02):
before he proposed, I didn'tknow he was going to propose,
um, but right before he proposedhe said, you know, I'm really
taking this girl thing seriouslyand I'm always going to be
improving myself and improvingmy life and The fact of the
matter is if you're not, you'regonna get left behind and I
don't say that to be rude That'sjust the honest truth of it.

(56:23):
Yeah, and he's like and that'snot what I want So my challenge
to you is that you'll take thisseriously and also be in your
own growth And he's like wedon't have to be going the same
pace.
We don't have to be doing thesame thing You just have to
understand Constantly be growingand to me I was like challenge
accepted like why would I say noto becoming a better person that
my husband just wants me toalways be a better person.
Yes, I can do that.

(56:44):
And so that's something thatwe've like always reminded each
other of whenever somethingcomes up and he's either one of
us is like, well, I don't knowif I want to do this well.
Is this something that willimprove you as a person?
Then I support that for you.
That's beautiful.
So, yeah.
So, um, we've both been in acouple of different coaching
groups and then Taryn opened hergroup and found Gentle Warriors
and dude, it's been lifechanging.

(57:05):
Yeah.
It's been such a catalyst forboth of us.
Oh, that's so good.
But yeah.
What's been the biggest, like,if you could just like pick one
thing that's been the biggest inyour healing journey, like
that's helped the most, whatwould it be?
So the idea of boundaries was ahuge thing for me, and I just

(57:25):
always thought of boundaries assomething you put on somebody
else of what I expect you to do.
Like this is, please don't talkabout this, I expect you to not
bring it up.
Um, then I really quicklyrealized of Taryn explaining
what boundaries were issomething that I put on myself.
So if I'm putting myself in asituation, I know that this is
what I'll accept, and if that iscrossed, then that's on me.

(57:46):
Yes.
And so with that was Taking mypower back of realizing wait a
minute I have so much morecontrol than I thought I did and
so there's been so many layersof that of Okay, first it was
boundaries.
Wow, I get to take my powerback.
I have control.
I'm not waiting for somebodyelse's actions to make me happy

(58:08):
or to upset me, um, or forsomeone to just fail me because
they didn't live up to theboundaries that I set.
It's me that has to fulfillthose.
Okay, cool.
And so then I had more, youcould have more success with
that, right?
And then it was, okay, well, howelse can I take my power back?

(58:29):
Words, like verbiage of how,what, how I'm saying things.
Um, And so I guess the mainthing is just finding different
ways of, of taking my powerback.
Like I get to choose how I feelabout things.
It's not somebody else who makesme sad or makes me angry.
I chose to be sad.
I chose to be angry.
They were doing whatever theywere doing because of whatever

(58:49):
day or life they've had.
And I get to choose how toprocess this.
So then I get to choose whichdirection my life goes.
I get to choose, you know, it'sjust in so many ways, just that.
That choice and taking thatpower back has been huge for me
that I'm in control.
Well, it's such an empoweringplace to be, to know, like to

(59:10):
take, like take ownership ofyour part.
Yeah.
It's just such a powerful placeto be.
Yeah.
You can't be a victim when youare there.
Yeah.
And so of course, like it justpropels you forward too, because
the energy is just different.
Like the vibration is way higherthan, Poor me, somebody failed
me, they hurt my feelings,whatever it is, you know.

(59:31):
Exactly, yeah.
It's so cool.
And it's, I think I had alwaysbeen in a situation where I was
relying on other people, and Ihad been let down over and over
and over again.
So many times.
And I had let other peoplecontrol what I was supposed to
be doing, um, and theirexpectations of me.
Yeah, so much pressure was puton you.
Yeah.

(59:51):
And so it was like, oh, wait aminute, I get to choose.
Not only what I'm doing fromhere on out, but I also get to
choose how all of that stuffaffected me and what lessons are
there in it.
And how did it program me to bethe person I am?
Okay, now I get to choose tochange that program.
So yeah, it's just been super,super powerful.
That's so cool.
I was going to ask you, haveyou, has your grandma changed

(01:00:12):
her mind about having arelationship with you?
Um, so my grandma actuallypassed away three years ago.
Um, she It's interesting becausewhile she said that she couldn't
talk to me, she, I knew itwasn't something that she wanted
to do, and she would slip up allthe time in that.

(01:00:36):
And both of us knew that shewas, but especially when I
started having kids and when Benand I, um, were engaged.
And she felt more comfortable.
And I know a lot of peoplearen't going to understand that,
but I was doing a lot of thingsthat didn't meet match up with
her spiritual beliefs.
And I understood that I didn'thold that against her.
I had no animosity towards herabout that.

(01:00:57):
And so it made sense to me.
And so, um, she would findreasons to call me and talk to
me.
And, and technically if shementioned the Bible or something
there, then it like made theconversation okay.
Yeah.
Cause she was like sharing.
Exactly.
So it was kind of funny becauseshe would find reasons to call
and talk to me.
And so we did still have apretty decent relationship, um,

(01:01:19):
when she passed away.
Uh, I was lucky enough to bethere holding her hand and I'm
like, I'm so, so grateful tohave the husband that I have
because, and for us to be in thesituation that we are.
because I got a call thatmorning and by that night we had
plane tickets to leave early thenext morning and we were packing

(01:01:40):
bags and he was like well whydon't we just buy a one way
ticket so that if you need tostay out there longer you can
because we didn't know um howlong she was going to be alive
if it was just a hospital stayand then she'd be fine or if
what um but we got in at like 10in the morning and she passed
away by two that afternoon andso just And everything was so

(01:02:01):
perfect for me to be able to beholding her hand.
That's amazing.
Um, and we actually named, um,my daughter, her middle name is
after my grandma.
Oh, cute.
So.
I didn't know that either.
Yeah.
That's so cute.
Yeah.
Um, is there anything else thatyou feel important to share of
your story?
Anything we've left out or thatI haven't asked?

(01:02:23):
Um.
No, I think that's the gist ofit.
I think, um, I guess I didn'tmention that I have a bunch of
siblings.
I have a bunch of sisters and,and they've all had their ups
and downs and, um, we've all, weall have different moms, but we
have the same dad.
Um, and I have, I don't know, Ithink we've all been through

(01:02:47):
really tough times.
All of our parents were stuck inaddiction and some of them have
gotten clean.
Um, some of them have passedaway because of their addiction.
And, um, I just, I just thinkit's, again, so important to
remind people of, and this iswhat my podcast is so big on, is
that You have a choice in yourlife if you don't like the way

(01:03:10):
that things are going pleasemake a choice and that doesn't
mean It's gonna be easy.
That doesn't mean that justbecause you decided you want to
be happy You're gonna be happierjust because you decided you
want to live a certainlifestyle.
It's it's gonna go great You'regonna have to work for it.
But please know that you havethe choice and power in changing
that And just don't get stuck inthat victim mindset of feeling

(01:03:30):
like you're stuck living aspecific way.
Like you have so much more powerthan you realize to have the
life that you want.
I love that.
So that goes right into, if youcould tell cute little Amber
anything, what would it be?
Oh man, I've done, I've done somuch.
In her child work of like goingback and talking to younger

(01:03:51):
Amber, and it's interesting thatyou ask me that because I had a
Facebook post, you know howFacebook memories pop up?
And I had one pop up where Iremember I was going through
this terrible heartbreak, my momwas in the middle of her
addiction, I felt like nobodyunderstood me, and I posted, I
just wish somebody could tell methat it turns out okay.
Ugh.
And what was cool is that I gotto repost that and say, guess

(01:04:15):
what?
It turns out so awesome.
That's so cool.
And so I think if I could goback and tell little amber or
really anybody who's goingthrough that situation is that
like It can be so awesome.
Please don't let go of thathope.
And don't let go, like, let thathope drive you to creating the

(01:04:35):
life that you want.
Yeah.
It can be so awesome.
Yeah, your life is so awesome.
You are such a beautiful human.
Thank you.
Like, really, I'm so proud ofyou.
What you went through isactually insane and to be where
you're at and like the amazingparent that you are And the
amazing friend and wife.
I just freaking love you.
Thank you.
I'm so proud of you Thank you somuch.

(01:04:56):
It's been Like I said, sometimesI look back and i'm just like
whoa it's I really do live thelife that I always dreamed of
having like there are times Ilook at my house and I was like
I'm, like holy shit.
This is this is my house.
This is my husband and these aremy kids and I Get to do all of
these things like this is socool And I think that having

(01:05:18):
that perspective and being ableto take a step back sometimes
just that living in gratitudeYeah, which you are so good.
I was about to say I feel likeyou have such a grateful heart
of like You know how far you'vecome and you're so grateful for
everything you have and it'sactually so inspiring.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's It keeps things real.
Yeah.
Yeah Thank you so much forcoming.

(01:05:40):
Of course.
Thanks for having me on here.
I love you.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks.
Thank you so much for taking thetime to listen.
It means the world to me.
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