April 29, 2025 • 27 mins
What happened to the village that once raised our children? In this provocative mother-daughter conversation, we tackle the controversial reality of modern family support systems and why they've fundamentally changed across generations.
Growing up in the 60s and 70s, the traditional "village" meant grandparents who gladly stepped in after school, neighbors who watched out for each other's children, and extended family who remained deeply connected to daily life. Fast forward to today, and something fundamental has shifted. We dive fearlessly into why this support system has crumbled – from the rise of divorce that fractured family networks to the financial realities forcing both parents to work full-time while children are raised in daycare.
The uncomfortable truth? Both of us discuss our own family dynamics and hold nothing back! Perhaps most importantly, we examine consciously breaking "generational curses" – rejecting toxic family dynamics that were previously tolerated in the name of family obligation, even when it meant further fragmenting traditional support systems.
Join our candid conversation that bridges generational perspectives as we explore the challenges of modern parenting and how we might rebuild meaningful support networks for today's families. Subscribe, leave a review, and share your thoughts with us at boomerandjenexer@gmail.com!
email: boomerandgenxer@gmail.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
welcome everyone to today's show.
Boomer and jen actually walkinto a bar, coming to you from
the rabbit hole and rabbit runstudio, where you, as our
listener, will experience somewit and wisdom, some smart
assery and a mother and daughterquestioning.
Are we even related?
My name is Jane Burt and myco-host is my daughter, bobbi
(00:32):
Joy, and for the next severalminutes we're going to entertain
you.
So, bobbi, how are you doingtoday?
It's cold, it's cold, it iscold.
But the reason that we saidthat we are in the rabbit run
and the rabbit hole is becauseDr Domain is down in Georgia and
(00:53):
you and I are in Iowa enjoyingthis cold weather.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
It's cold here too.
It's really cold, oh whatever.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
I think it was 75 there today, wasn't it?
Or 78.
It actually got down to ummaybe 69.
Oh, my goodness, boo hoo,frickin, who, anyone?
We?
We don't feel sorry for you atall, dr domain.
Sorry about that, hey, bobby.
(01:23):
So, um, did you think of atopic?
Speaker 2 (01:26):
for today I did, and you might want to sit down,
buckle up and grab a drink forthis one because, this one might
piss off a lot of boomers aboutwhat I'm about to say.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Oh my gosh.
So do I need an alcoholic drink?
Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
I think we're all going to need alcoholic drinks
after this.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Okay, well, let's see what you got.
What is our topic for today,Bobby?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
So this isn't your grandparents' village and I'm
going to explain there.
So you know, today we have adisconnect that didn't really
exist, or was the exception wayback when boomers were raising
their kids.
And I am going to come outswinging on this one and I'm
going to say it's all theboomers' fault and I can't
(02:14):
explain my stance.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
So we're taking fault and I don't even know what of
yet.
Go ahead, start shooting, soyou know you know how you know.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
You know growing up you had a village.
Yeah, you know.
They say it takes a village toraise a child.
Yes, well with us growing up.
You know, you remember we hadcousins and aunts and uncles and
especially grandparents thatthey had no problem stepping in
and helping out when they couldtaking the kids after school
(02:46):
helping, you know, take them tosoccer practice, whatever they
did.
And I'm telling you right nowthat that doesn't exist anymore.
What?
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Wait a minute.
Are you sure it doesn't justexist in our family, and maybe
it?
Speaker 2 (02:59):
exists in other people's families.
I wish I could say that it'sjust our family, but more and
more often I'm actually seeingthis, and it's a huge problem
because nowadays, you know, wehave more of a financial issue
than we had before.
So, you know, when it comesdown to two-parent, even
(03:21):
two-parent households, bothparents have to work in order to
make bills.
Who's watching those kids?
Daycare is raising them?
Because and I'm going to callyou out on this one you get
parents like parents of Gen Xerswho retire.
They're not retiring like ourgrandparents did they're?
not sitting around going.
(03:41):
Oh, you know I'm here.
If the grandkids need me, I'lltake them.
I can't find you half the time.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Oh my gosh.
So this, I see where we'regoing with this one Do you yeah
this is your opportunity to comeafter me.
No, I'm not coming after you.
What you sound like you are,I'm not coming after you.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
You kind of are.
You got to admit it, though.
You guys had the village youguys had.
You know, when we went out inthe neighborhood, all the
neighbor kids that we playedwith, all their parents knew us.
We were over there, you know,playing stuff like that we had.
You know the schools were moreinvolved in our lives, the
sports teams, the they wereinvolved in our lives and, like
(04:25):
I said, the cousins, the aunts,the uncles and even, you know,
back when we were growing up, itwas more common to have a
stay-at-home mom than it is now,and I would say probably like
the 70s and 80s, maybe a littlebit of the 90s, is when it
really started to change becauseof things like single parent
households.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Well, and I don't, I'm not going to disagree with
you.
So I will a little bit on someof the attacks.
But I I'm not going to disagreewith you because you know, at
one point, many, many years ago,you know women stepped up and
said, hey, whatever a man can do, we can do too.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
So you know, women stepped up and said hey,
whatever a man can do, we can dotoo.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
And, you know, whatever you can do in the
business world, we can do it too, and we want to get paid the
same and we want the sameopportunities and that sort of
thing.
And at the time because Iremember when this whole system
started to change, we werestay-at-home moms for a long
(05:28):
time and there were two parentsthat were, you know, raising
these kids, and the neighbors,you know, would watch our kids
as much as we would watch theirkids and we were watching them
for safety and we were watchingthem for safety.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Our cousins, our sisters, our brothers, my
parents, you know, would takecare of you kids every once in a
while and babysit, and we had ahundred cousins that would, you
know, play with us or watch usor babysit us or you know things
like that.
And that's just how it was backthen.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Yeah, and so when we say that you know it takes a
village to raise a child, itisn't just the neighborhood,
it's all of that extended familythat was helping too and knew
what was going on with theirnieces and nephews and and aunts
and uncles and visited them ona regular basis and that sort of
(06:24):
thing.
And it is true that I dobelieve the older generation now
, boomers and Gen Xers becauseyou know, gen Xers are
grandparents now too yeah, theyhave other things that are going
on.
Not only are they working andtrying to make a living and
(06:45):
trying to meet the bills, butthere's things they want to do
too.
They want to take trips, theywant to go out and play
pickleball, they want to golf,they want to hike, they want to
ride bicycles, they want to seetheir friends, they want to go
do these things, and so the kidsdo kind of get left out of that
or they get taken with.
(07:06):
But you know it's kind of awhole different ballgame.
So I do understand what you'resaying.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
Like with you, you had your kids young.
So your young life was raisingchildren, you know, taking care
of a family, and I mean we wereferal kids in those times.
You know we were the be seenand not heard type of generation
.
You know we were let outside Ifyou were thirsty you had the
(07:34):
garden hose.
Don't let them out.
Yeah, I mean, like you know, wehad the pure sugar snacks, the
don't see you till dinner time.
But yeah, we did have thatvillage out there looking out
for us.
And then the single parenthomes did start becoming a norm
and a lot of what happened, Ithink, during that time and as a
(07:55):
child of a divorced family Isaw it firsthand there was a lot
of bitterness.
You know, this was like aalmost like a first generation
of these single parent homes andit was more about.
I saw a lot of in-familyfighting where it was well, it's
not your time, so I don't wantyour parents to take care of the
(08:17):
kids Instead of they're yourgrandparents.
I would love to have the help.
You know, regardless if it'syour time or not, and there was,
I mean, there was and therestill is.
There's a lot of infighting thataffects the children without
them realizing that it affectsthe children and a lot of us,
they, we fell through the cracks.
You know, we, we were basicallythe, the single parent kids
(08:41):
that you know.
Mom had us full time.
Dad got us every other weekendand sometimes during the summer,
but mom had to work full time.
All of a sudden, you know, daddidn't have the responsibility
of picking us up after school,things like that.
And then you have the familiesthat are split apart because it
was a bitter divorce.
So now these cousins hate thesecousins and we don't ever, you
(09:05):
know, talk or go to familyevents, anymore type of thing,
and it kind of just splits itright down the middle and these
kids fall into these cracks.
And on top of that, you know,you have these families being
broken up and what happens?
What happens when you get adivorce?
You got to move nine times outof 10, you got to move.
(09:26):
You sell the house, you splitwhatever it is, you got to move.
So now you're in a newneighborhood, new neighbors, you
don't know so, and a lot oftimes you would have to move
again in a year and again in twoyears, and so you didn't have
that neighborhood that felt likefamily, because it was new
(09:46):
neighbors every you know, coupleyears or a couple months, and
so it was really hard to rebuildthat village while
simultaneously rebuilding yourlife.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Well, bobbi, I think you just right there, in a
nutshell, put together what'swrong with our society today.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
I'm serious as a heart attack.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
So let's you know we can only talk about it from our
own perspectives, right?
So I went through a divorce.
My girls were involved.
There was a lot of bitterness,and I don't think that's unusual
for any type of divorcesituation.
If you can do it amicably,wonderful.
But there's always somethingbeing said about the other.
(10:29):
You know parent or you know andI do find this to be a sad
situation where sometimes themoms keep the dads away from the
parent or from the kids or viceversa, and so many kids need
their dads to have a male figurein these kids' lives is really,
(10:53):
really necessary.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
I mean, sometimes these other parents go off the
deep end and they're not safe tobe around kids.
We're not talking about that,we're talking about just you
know I hate you because you'removing on Right.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
A lot of jealousy, a lot of resentment, a lot of hate
.
And yeah, I don't disagree withyou.
You know, I think back of whenyou kids, like I said, when you
were little, you know my mom anddad would watch you guys and
we'd go off and do something.
But you know, I thought aboutthis and I thought, man, I'm out
(11:28):
doing all kinds of stuff.
I mean I was doing gladiatorchallenges.
Heck, I was just doinggladiator challenges up until a
couple of years ago.
I was running relays, I wasdoing you know all kinds of
stuff out riding my bike,traveling, but I was still
working at that time.
But I thought about my mom andmy mom at 50, was tired.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
But she had like what nine kids?
I'd be damn tired.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Well, I was the last of seven kids seven, yeah, my
dad worked constantly and my momdidn't work.
She never worked outside thehouse, home, she worked at home,
but she never outside the homeand my mom was tired and I think
you know at what I was doingwhen I was 50, hell, what I'm
doing today, you know and I'mwell over 50.
(12:21):
And well over 50.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
And my, my mom couldn't have done what I do
today, even at 50.
And I look at several of myfriends that you know have been
very sedentary and and still dothe grandkid thing, that they
live for the grandkids orthey're taking care of their
elderly parents, that sort ofthing, and they're not as mobile
(12:48):
.
And I guess there's ageneration here of the baby
boomers that have taken goodcare of themselves, that have
worried about their health, thathave been very, very active,
that do worry about their weight, worry about their health, and
so, since we are still in prettydarn good shape, we're going to
(13:12):
keep doing whatever it is thatwe can do while we can still do
it now.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Well yeah.
Retirement means travel andsports and hobbies and, and you
know, all kinds of things thatit could never have meant for
your parents.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
No retirement for my parents would have been, you
know, just waiting for thegrandkids to show up or waiting
for the kids to show up, goingto church, you know, taking care
of the house, that sort ofthing.
But you know, I think aboutthat now that you, you know, now
that we're talking about it,you know where does that leave
(13:50):
you and your kids?
Now, I see your kids probablymore than I see your sisters,
just primarily because ofgeographic location.
You're much closer to me and soI do see your kids, but I don't
see them on a regular basis.
Now, some of that has to dowith your kids too.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
And yeah, and there are a lot of them.
You know, a lot of my kids areolder now.
They have jobs, they have youknow they're, they're starting
to form their own lives andstuff like that.
But I mean, let's be honest, Ithink it's been like maybe twice
that you're like, oh, bring allthe grandkids over and all.
You can't handle all that shit.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
I can't do it anymore .
I used to.
I used to take the kids to theapple orchard every year in
october.
I used to take them to theswimming pool.
I used to take them a lot ofplaces and let's tell people
between me and my sister.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Okay, you have eight grandchildren between me and my
sister and you also, you alsohave three, two great
grandchildren.
Three great grandchildren, yep,no, four, now four great
grandchildren.
Yes, so it's not like you hadthree grandchildren to to
wrangle and you know it was aneasy number.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
There's eight freaking kids running around
here okay, like it fell onwheels, so I did try to corral
all of them at certain timesright, you remember me doing
that, and you also gave themeach individual time, yeah, and
so you try to do that.
but there there are a lot ofthem.
And now you know, even when Iretired, um, people ask me are
(15:29):
you going to move?
Because I'm about an hour frommy other daughter, and at the
time I think you were down inDes Moines also.
People asked me are you goingto move closer to your kids and
grandkids?
And I said no, why would I?
And they said, well, so you cando stuff.
I said my grandkids and mydaughters first of all.
My daughters work for a livingand they work a lot of hours and
(15:53):
my grandkids have their ownthing going on.
They're not going to be on mydoorstep, they're not.
They just aren't going to do it.
You know why they're startingto become young adults and
they're doing their own thing.
So during the years by whichthey were growing up and being
their smallest, I was working.
I was working constantly.
(16:13):
My mom never worked.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Not only that, but I mean I lived in Texas.
I lived in Texas for four yearswhile my three older ones were
under five, and so that was abig gap.
You know, in that thatsmallness, you know cuteness
type of range where grandkidsare real cute, and so, yeah, I
mean it was a big gap.
But let's also talk about whatGen X and later are doing right
(16:42):
now and let's talk aboutbreaking generational curses.
So this is a huge thing that isactually dismantling the quote
unquote village, and a lot of itis because we're not going to
stand up for the abuse, the hate, the assaults, the comments,
(17:02):
the pervy uncle, just becausehe's your uncle and you got to
deal with him, type of thing.
We're not doing that anymore.
So, you know, if we have afamily member that is acting
like that and other familymembers are allowing it, we're
cutting the whole side out andwe're not even sorry about it.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Yeah, and, and I just I want to go into that a little
bit more because I've alwayssaid that same thing.
So you have a daughter thatcannot stand to be hugged.
She doesn't like personalattention, she doesn't like
anybody kissing or hugging her.
(17:43):
She's just not that type of kid, right.
And I remember when you kidswere younger we'd always go give
grandma and and grandpa a kissand a hug, bye.
And a lot of kids would shyaway from that and I have always
said and especially because ofyour child, if they don't want
to give somebody a hug or a kiss, they don't need to.
Now, once in a while, I'll grabyour daughter and I'll hug her
(18:06):
just to irritate her.
That's just to irritate her,though that's just to irritate
her.
But that's just the irritator,though that's not force the love
.
But if, if some kid does notfeel, I don't have any problem
with that.
I really and truly don't.
I try really hard.
I mean, luckily, most of mygrandkids are huggers too, and I
was not a hugger.
You know why?
(18:27):
Why I wasn't hugged.
I had my own issues when I wasa kid, um, and we're not going
to talk about that, but I didn'tget hugged.
I didn't get that affection, Ididn't get that love, and so
(18:49):
that got passed on to you kids.
Even though I hugged you andkissed you, I wasn't, and I've
always said this and maybeyou'll disagree.
I always said I think I was areally good parent.
I was just a piss poor mom, andthe reason I say that is
because, as a parent, I think wehave an obligation to teach our
(19:11):
kids safety, respect, honesty,principles.
You know those sorts of things.
Provide for them Right, providefor them.
I think I did all of that and Ithink I did a good job being a
parent, because you kids neverwent without and you you got
plenty of stuff.
There was no doubt about it.
(19:32):
But I think I was a piss poormom and this gets back to that
legacy trauma that you'retalking about.
That you know we want to breakis I didn't have it.
Well, my dad was abused.
He passed that on to me.
I started to pass it on to youkids, right?
(19:53):
And so I again, you know, Ithink, you know, I think I
didn't have it in me.
Now do I today.
Now you guys push me away,going get your slobber box face
off of me.
You know?
No, I'm just kidding, I am Well, I mean you, you are and you're
an amazing grandmother.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Let's put that out there first.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
You know you are an amazing grandmother to these
kids are you saying I'm not anamazing mom too by now?
Speaker 2 (20:20):
I'm saying that you did the best that you could with
the tools that you had at thetime and I think that's fair,
and I think that's fair.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
And I think that's fair for a lot of people from my
generation, because we did comefrom and I'll be the first to
say I don't mind whooping a kid,you know, I don't, I don't mind
doing it.
No, she doesn't, she doesn'tmind it at all, I don't mind it
at all.
But beating, you know, beatingthat's you know, come on, we
(20:48):
could go there.
I'm not going to go there, butit is different.
It is different today and wehave tried to break all of that
right.
I got married very young, had mychildren very young.
We've tried to break thatscenario and that legacy trauma,
and now we've tried to reallylisten to the kids and tried to
(21:11):
break that trauma too and breakthose things.
And I think that people have tokind of look back and say you
know, if this is happening withmy child, you know what happened
that caused this, becausethere's always a cause and
effect.
And what happened to cause thisand you know the other thing is
(21:31):
is my dad had a horrible temperand I told you I was the last
of seven kids.
I too still have a horribletemper now.
I do too.
I've curbed that because Icontrol it now, right, but there
was a time period that I didn't.
Who paid for that?
(21:52):
My children paid for that andthe people around me paid for
that, because you didn't evenhave to invite me to a fight.
I was there, I was showing upand I was was there and my mouth
was running, and that all comesfrom things that happen from
our childhood.
Now I'm not saying that that'san excuse, it's not.
There had to come a time when Ihad to buck up and say listen,
(22:15):
every decision that I make todayis based on me as an adult.
I have that control now.
I have that authority now.
I have the ability to breakthat now, and I had to do that.
I think we all have thatstrength.
We just have to recognize it.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
So I think that's I was going to say.
Let's talk about another pointthough in this village thing,
and it's going to be my lastpoint personally but let's talk
about the fact that sometimesthe village is crumbling because
of the parents, because we havegrandparents and great
grandparents who are out hereraising their grandchildren, and
(22:54):
so what's the detriment?
Speaker 1 (22:55):
to that.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
So the detriment to that is, well, number one.
These kids don't have theirparents, correct?
You have grandparents who havealready raised their children,
who no longer have the villageof their parents because they've
passed on by now.
You know they're older, they'renot here anymore to help, and
you have, you know, thegrandparents that are are
(23:18):
raising these kids and I mean,it's a struggle.
I wouldn't want to raise mygrandkids.
You know, I told my kids thatI'm raising you to not raise my
grandchildren, right, right, andunfortunately, unfortunately, a
lot of people don't have thatand these grandparents are
stepping in.
Thank God they're stepping inbecause a lot of times it's all
(23:40):
that these kids have betweenthem and foster care, but it's
also a crumbling of the villageonce again.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Yep, I totally see your point and I agree with you
what we can do to help rebuildthat village.
I don't have the answer to thatOther than get involved, be
involved.
But you know, I will say rightnow, I would never step in if
you were having some issue withone of your kids.
(24:10):
I don't step in any longer.
There was a time when I wouldhave an idea uh, if I feel that
there's something unsafe, it's atotally different story, but I
don't have to worry about that.
Uh, but if that there'ssomething unsafe, it's a totally
different story, but I don'thave to worry about that.
But if it's something else, Ihave an adult to adult
discussion with you, right, andthen you make your decisions
based on.
But you know, you and Modesty,my other daughter, are both good
(24:34):
parents and you know.
But whatever we can do to helprecreate that village, that's
what we've got to do.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
But and we have.
We have, you know, through Iwon't say through no fault of
your own, but using the besttools that you had at the time
we do have a lot of generationalcurses to break.
Yeah, and I think that it'svery important.
We're not perfect, you in themoment.
We need to recognize that thatis a generational curse, that we
(25:03):
need to stop it.
We need to rer understandingand more involved, more involved
in each other's lives, when wecan.
(25:25):
I mean, I get it.
You know you have your kidsyoung and, by God, in the next
10 years, I hope like hell I'mtraveling in an RV somewhere,
but I, you know, I I'm stillgoing to stop off and see my
kids and help them out and know,give them calls and invite them
with me every once in a whileand things like that.
But I get it.
(25:45):
You know, I get the reasons whythe village is crumbling, but
people need to understand thatit's not the same village
anymore and it never will be.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
It never will be but let's not give up.
Let's try to recreate.
Let's try to up, let's try torecreate, let's try to make it a
better place, let's try torebuild a new village.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Rebuild a new village ?
Yeah, because I have friendsthat I honestly I trust and I
care for more than some familymembers and they care for my
kids like they're their own kidsand I would not hesitate to
build a village around thosepeople.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
I agree with you, Bobbi, I agree.
Well, I think that's probablyall the time we have.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Bob, I think it is.
But you know, we really doappreciate everyone who joins us
here at the Rabbit Hole andRabbit Run Studio.
So be sure to follow us, likeus, subscribe to us, give us
comments on Spotify, send us anemail at boomerandjenexer at
gmailcom.
(26:43):
You can find us on Facebook.
Send us a message, make acomment.
Hey, if you got more show ideasthat you want to hear us debate
, let us know.
We do have a list, but we wouldbe glad to add it to that list.
But if you have hate mail, youknow where you can put it.
So until next week, I'm BobbiJoy and I'm Jane Burt and you're
(27:06):
stuck with us Peace out Later.
welcome everyone to today's show.
Boomer and jen actually walkinto a bar, coming to you from
the rabbit hole and rabbit runstudio, where you, as our
listener, will experience somewit and wisdom, some smart
assery and a mother and daughterquestioning.
Are we even related?
My name is Jane Burt and myco-host is my daughter, bobbi
(00:32):
Joy, and for the next severalminutes we're going to entertain
you.
So, bobbi, how are you doingtoday?
It's cold, it's cold, it iscold.
But the reason that we saidthat we are in the rabbit run
and the rabbit hole is becauseDr Domain is down in Georgia and
(00:53):
you and I are in Iowa enjoyingthis cold weather.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
It's cold here too.
It's really cold, oh whatever.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
I think it was 75 there today, wasn't it?
Or 78.
It actually got down to ummaybe 69.
Oh, my goodness, boo hoo,frickin, who, anyone?
We?
We don't feel sorry for you atall, dr domain.
Sorry about that, hey, bobby.
(01:23):
So, um, did you think of atopic?
Speaker 2 (01:26):
for today I did, and you might want to sit down,
buckle up and grab a drink forthis one because, this one might
piss off a lot of boomers aboutwhat I'm about to say.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Oh my gosh.
So do I need an alcoholic drink?
Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
I think we're all going to need alcoholic drinks
after this.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Okay, well, let's see what you got.
What is our topic for today,Bobby?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
So this isn't your grandparents' village and I'm
going to explain there.
So you know, today we have adisconnect that didn't really
exist, or was the exception wayback when boomers were raising
their kids.
And I am going to come outswinging on this one and I'm
going to say it's all theboomers' fault and I can't
(02:14):
explain my stance.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
So we're taking fault and I don't even know what of
yet.
Go ahead, start shooting, soyou know you know how you know.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
You know growing up you had a village.
Yeah, you know.
They say it takes a village toraise a child.
Yes, well with us growing up.
You know, you remember we hadcousins and aunts and uncles and
especially grandparents thatthey had no problem stepping in
and helping out when they couldtaking the kids after school
(02:46):
helping, you know, take them tosoccer practice, whatever they
did.
And I'm telling you right nowthat that doesn't exist anymore.
What?
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Wait a minute.
Are you sure it doesn't justexist in our family, and maybe
it?
Speaker 2 (02:59):
exists in other people's families.
I wish I could say that it'sjust our family, but more and
more often I'm actually seeingthis, and it's a huge problem
because nowadays, you know, wehave more of a financial issue
than we had before.
So, you know, when it comesdown to two-parent, even
(03:21):
two-parent households, bothparents have to work in order to
make bills.
Who's watching those kids?
Daycare is raising them?
Because and I'm going to callyou out on this one you get
parents like parents of Gen Xerswho retire.
They're not retiring like ourgrandparents did they're?
not sitting around going.
(03:41):
Oh, you know I'm here.
If the grandkids need me, I'lltake them.
I can't find you half the time.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Oh my gosh.
So this, I see where we'regoing with this one Do you yeah
this is your opportunity to comeafter me.
No, I'm not coming after you.
What you sound like you are,I'm not coming after you.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
You kind of are.
You got to admit it, though.
You guys had the village youguys had.
You know, when we went out inthe neighborhood, all the
neighbor kids that we playedwith, all their parents knew us.
We were over there, you know,playing stuff like that we had.
You know the schools were moreinvolved in our lives, the
sports teams, the they wereinvolved in our lives and, like
(04:25):
I said, the cousins, the aunts,the uncles and even, you know,
back when we were growing up, itwas more common to have a
stay-at-home mom than it is now,and I would say probably like
the 70s and 80s, maybe a littlebit of the 90s, is when it
really started to change becauseof things like single parent
households.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Well, and I don't, I'm not going to disagree with
you.
So I will a little bit on someof the attacks.
But I I'm not going to disagreewith you because you know, at
one point, many, many years ago,you know women stepped up and
said, hey, whatever a man can do, we can do too.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
So you know, women stepped up and said hey,
whatever a man can do, we can dotoo.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
And, you know, whatever you can do in the
business world, we can do it too, and we want to get paid the
same and we want the sameopportunities and that sort of
thing.
And at the time because Iremember when this whole system
started to change, we werestay-at-home moms for a long
(05:28):
time and there were two parentsthat were, you know, raising
these kids, and the neighbors,you know, would watch our kids
as much as we would watch theirkids and we were watching them
for safety and we were watchingthem for safety.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Our cousins, our sisters, our brothers, my
parents, you know, would takecare of you kids every once in a
while and babysit, and we had ahundred cousins that would, you
know, play with us or watch usor babysit us or you know things
like that.
And that's just how it was backthen.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Yeah, and so when we say that you know it takes a
village to raise a child, itisn't just the neighborhood,
it's all of that extended familythat was helping too and knew
what was going on with theirnieces and nephews and and aunts
and uncles and visited them ona regular basis and that sort of
(06:24):
thing.
And it is true that I dobelieve the older generation now
, boomers and Gen Xers becauseyou know, gen Xers are
grandparents now too yeah, theyhave other things that are going
on.
Not only are they working andtrying to make a living and
(06:45):
trying to meet the bills, butthere's things they want to do
too.
They want to take trips, theywant to go out and play
pickleball, they want to golf,they want to hike, they want to
ride bicycles, they want to seetheir friends, they want to go
do these things, and so the kidsdo kind of get left out of that
or they get taken with.
(07:06):
But you know it's kind of awhole different ballgame.
So I do understand what you'resaying.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
Like with you, you had your kids young.
So your young life was raisingchildren, you know, taking care
of a family, and I mean we wereferal kids in those times.
You know we were the be seenand not heard type of generation
.
You know we were let outside Ifyou were thirsty you had the
(07:34):
garden hose.
Don't let them out.
Yeah, I mean, like you know, wehad the pure sugar snacks, the
don't see you till dinner time.
But yeah, we did have thatvillage out there looking out
for us.
And then the single parenthomes did start becoming a norm
and a lot of what happened, Ithink, during that time and as a
(07:55):
child of a divorced family Isaw it firsthand there was a lot
of bitterness.
You know, this was like aalmost like a first generation
of these single parent homes andit was more about.
I saw a lot of in-familyfighting where it was well, it's
not your time, so I don't wantyour parents to take care of the
(08:17):
kids Instead of they're yourgrandparents.
I would love to have the help.
You know, regardless if it'syour time or not, and there was,
I mean, there was and therestill is.
There's a lot of infighting thataffects the children without
them realizing that it affectsthe children and a lot of us,
they, we fell through the cracks.
You know, we, we were basicallythe, the single parent kids
(08:41):
that you know.
Mom had us full time.
Dad got us every other weekendand sometimes during the summer,
but mom had to work full time.
All of a sudden, you know, daddidn't have the responsibility
of picking us up after school,things like that.
And then you have the familiesthat are split apart because it
was a bitter divorce.
So now these cousins hate thesecousins and we don't ever, you
(09:05):
know, talk or go to familyevents, anymore type of thing,
and it kind of just splits itright down the middle and these
kids fall into these cracks.
And on top of that, you know,you have these families being
broken up and what happens?
What happens when you get adivorce?
You got to move nine times outof 10, you got to move.
(09:26):
You sell the house, you splitwhatever it is, you got to move.
So now you're in a newneighborhood, new neighbors, you
don't know so, and a lot oftimes you would have to move
again in a year and again in twoyears, and so you didn't have
that neighborhood that felt likefamily, because it was new
(09:46):
neighbors every you know, coupleyears or a couple months, and
so it was really hard to rebuildthat village while
simultaneously rebuilding yourlife.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Well, bobbi, I think you just right there, in a
nutshell, put together what'swrong with our society today.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
I'm serious as a heart attack.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
So let's you know we can only talk about it from our
own perspectives, right?
So I went through a divorce.
My girls were involved.
There was a lot of bitterness,and I don't think that's unusual
for any type of divorcesituation.
If you can do it amicably,wonderful.
But there's always somethingbeing said about the other.
(10:29):
You know parent or you know andI do find this to be a sad
situation where sometimes themoms keep the dads away from the
parent or from the kids or viceversa, and so many kids need
their dads to have a male figurein these kids' lives is really,
(10:53):
really necessary.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
I mean, sometimes these other parents go off the
deep end and they're not safe tobe around kids.
We're not talking about that,we're talking about just you
know I hate you because you'removing on Right.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
A lot of jealousy, a lot of resentment, a lot of hate
.
And yeah, I don't disagree withyou.
You know, I think back of whenyou kids, like I said, when you
were little, you know my mom anddad would watch you guys and
we'd go off and do something.
But you know, I thought aboutthis and I thought, man, I'm out
(11:28):
doing all kinds of stuff.
I mean I was doing gladiatorchallenges.
Heck, I was just doinggladiator challenges up until a
couple of years ago.
I was running relays, I wasdoing you know all kinds of
stuff out riding my bike,traveling, but I was still
working at that time.
But I thought about my mom andmy mom at 50, was tired.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
But she had like what nine kids?
I'd be damn tired.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Well, I was the last of seven kids seven, yeah, my
dad worked constantly and my momdidn't work.
She never worked outside thehouse, home, she worked at home,
but she never outside the homeand my mom was tired and I think
you know at what I was doingwhen I was 50, hell, what I'm
doing today, you know and I'mwell over 50.
(12:21):
And well over 50.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
And my, my mom couldn't have done what I do
today, even at 50.
And I look at several of myfriends that you know have been
very sedentary and and still dothe grandkid thing, that they
live for the grandkids orthey're taking care of their
elderly parents, that sort ofthing, and they're not as mobile
(12:48):
.
And I guess there's ageneration here of the baby
boomers that have taken goodcare of themselves, that have
worried about their health, thathave been very, very active,
that do worry about their weight, worry about their health, and
so, since we are still in prettydarn good shape, we're going to
(13:12):
keep doing whatever it is thatwe can do while we can still do
it now.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Well yeah.
Retirement means travel andsports and hobbies and, and you
know, all kinds of things thatit could never have meant for
your parents.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
No retirement for my parents would have been, you
know, just waiting for thegrandkids to show up or waiting
for the kids to show up, goingto church, you know, taking care
of the house, that sort ofthing.
But you know, I think aboutthat now that you, you know, now
that we're talking about it,you know where does that leave
(13:50):
you and your kids?
Now, I see your kids probablymore than I see your sisters,
just primarily because ofgeographic location.
You're much closer to me and soI do see your kids, but I don't
see them on a regular basis.
Now, some of that has to dowith your kids too.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
And yeah, and there are a lot of them.
You know, a lot of my kids areolder now.
They have jobs, they have youknow they're, they're starting
to form their own lives andstuff like that.
But I mean, let's be honest, Ithink it's been like maybe twice
that you're like, oh, bring allthe grandkids over and all.
You can't handle all that shit.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
I can't do it anymore .
I used to.
I used to take the kids to theapple orchard every year in
october.
I used to take them to theswimming pool.
I used to take them a lot ofplaces and let's tell people
between me and my sister.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Okay, you have eight grandchildren between me and my
sister and you also, you alsohave three, two great
grandchildren.
Three great grandchildren, yep,no, four, now four great
grandchildren.
Yes, so it's not like you hadthree grandchildren to to
wrangle and you know it was aneasy number.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
There's eight freaking kids running around
here okay, like it fell onwheels, so I did try to corral
all of them at certain timesright, you remember me doing
that, and you also gave themeach individual time, yeah, and
so you try to do that.
but there there are a lot ofthem.
And now you know, even when Iretired, um, people ask me are
(15:29):
you going to move?
Because I'm about an hour frommy other daughter, and at the
time I think you were down inDes Moines also.
People asked me are you goingto move closer to your kids and
grandkids?
And I said no, why would I?
And they said, well, so you cando stuff.
I said my grandkids and mydaughters first of all.
My daughters work for a livingand they work a lot of hours and
(15:53):
my grandkids have their ownthing going on.
They're not going to be on mydoorstep, they're not.
They just aren't going to do it.
You know why they're startingto become young adults and
they're doing their own thing.
So during the years by whichthey were growing up and being
their smallest, I was working.
I was working constantly.
(16:13):
My mom never worked.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Not only that, but I mean I lived in Texas.
I lived in Texas for four yearswhile my three older ones were
under five, and so that was abig gap.
You know, in that thatsmallness, you know cuteness
type of range where grandkidsare real cute, and so, yeah, I
mean it was a big gap.
But let's also talk about whatGen X and later are doing right
(16:42):
now and let's talk aboutbreaking generational curses.
So this is a huge thing that isactually dismantling the quote
unquote village, and a lot of itis because we're not going to
stand up for the abuse, the hate, the assaults, the comments,
(17:02):
the pervy uncle, just becausehe's your uncle and you got to
deal with him, type of thing.
We're not doing that anymore.
So, you know, if we have afamily member that is acting
like that and other familymembers are allowing it, we're
cutting the whole side out andwe're not even sorry about it.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Yeah, and, and I just I want to go into that a little
bit more because I've alwayssaid that same thing.
So you have a daughter thatcannot stand to be hugged.
She doesn't like personalattention, she doesn't like
anybody kissing or hugging her.
(17:43):
She's just not that type of kid, right.
And I remember when you kidswere younger we'd always go give
grandma and and grandpa a kissand a hug, bye.
And a lot of kids would shyaway from that and I have always
said and especially because ofyour child, if they don't want
to give somebody a hug or a kiss, they don't need to.
Now, once in a while, I'll grabyour daughter and I'll hug her
(18:06):
just to irritate her.
That's just to irritate her,though that's just to irritate
her.
But that's just the irritator,though that's not force the love
.
But if, if some kid does notfeel, I don't have any problem
with that.
I really and truly don't.
I try really hard.
I mean, luckily, most of mygrandkids are huggers too, and I
was not a hugger.
You know why?
(18:27):
Why I wasn't hugged.
I had my own issues when I wasa kid, um, and we're not going
to talk about that, but I didn'tget hugged.
I didn't get that affection, Ididn't get that love, and so
(18:49):
that got passed on to you kids.
Even though I hugged you andkissed you, I wasn't, and I've
always said this and maybeyou'll disagree.
I always said I think I was areally good parent.
I was just a piss poor mom, andthe reason I say that is
because, as a parent, I think wehave an obligation to teach our
(19:11):
kids safety, respect, honesty,principles.
You know those sorts of things.
Provide for them Right, providefor them.
I think I did all of that and Ithink I did a good job being a
parent, because you kids neverwent without and you you got
plenty of stuff.
There was no doubt about it.
(19:32):
But I think I was a piss poormom and this gets back to that
legacy trauma that you'retalking about.
That you know we want to breakis I didn't have it.
Well, my dad was abused.
He passed that on to me.
I started to pass it on to youkids, right?
(19:53):
And so I again, you know, Ithink, you know, I think I
didn't have it in me.
Now do I today.
Now you guys push me away,going get your slobber box face
off of me.
You know?
No, I'm just kidding, I am Well, I mean you, you are and you're
an amazing grandmother.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Let's put that out there first.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
You know you are an amazing grandmother to these
kids are you saying I'm not anamazing mom too by now?
Speaker 2 (20:20):
I'm saying that you did the best that you could with
the tools that you had at thetime and I think that's fair,
and I think that's fair.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
And I think that's fair for a lot of people from my
generation, because we did comefrom and I'll be the first to
say I don't mind whooping a kid,you know, I don't, I don't mind
doing it.
No, she doesn't, she doesn'tmind it at all, I don't mind it
at all.
But beating, you know, beatingthat's you know, come on, we
(20:48):
could go there.
I'm not going to go there, butit is different.
It is different today and wehave tried to break all of that
right.
I got married very young, had mychildren very young.
We've tried to break thatscenario and that legacy trauma,
and now we've tried to reallylisten to the kids and tried to
(21:11):
break that trauma too and breakthose things.
And I think that people have tokind of look back and say you
know, if this is happening withmy child, you know what happened
that caused this, becausethere's always a cause and
effect.
And what happened to cause thisand you know the other thing is
(21:31):
is my dad had a horrible temperand I told you I was the last
of seven kids.
I too still have a horribletemper now.
I do too.
I've curbed that because Icontrol it now, right, but there
was a time period that I didn't.
Who paid for that?
(21:52):
My children paid for that andthe people around me paid for
that, because you didn't evenhave to invite me to a fight.
I was there, I was showing upand I was was there and my mouth
was running, and that all comesfrom things that happen from
our childhood.
Now I'm not saying that that'san excuse, it's not.
There had to come a time when Ihad to buck up and say listen,
(22:15):
every decision that I make todayis based on me as an adult.
I have that control now.
I have that authority now.
I have the ability to breakthat now, and I had to do that.
I think we all have thatstrength.
We just have to recognize it.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
So I think that's I was going to say.
Let's talk about another pointthough in this village thing,
and it's going to be my lastpoint personally but let's talk
about the fact that sometimesthe village is crumbling because
of the parents, because we havegrandparents and great
grandparents who are out hereraising their grandchildren, and
(22:54):
so what's the detriment?
Speaker 1 (22:55):
to that.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
So the detriment to that is, well, number one.
These kids don't have theirparents, correct?
You have grandparents who havealready raised their children,
who no longer have the villageof their parents because they've
passed on by now.
You know they're older, they'renot here anymore to help, and
you have, you know, thegrandparents that are are
(23:18):
raising these kids and I mean,it's a struggle.
I wouldn't want to raise mygrandkids.
You know, I told my kids thatI'm raising you to not raise my
grandchildren, right, right, andunfortunately, unfortunately, a
lot of people don't have thatand these grandparents are
stepping in.
Thank God they're stepping inbecause a lot of times it's all
(23:40):
that these kids have betweenthem and foster care, but it's
also a crumbling of the villageonce again.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Yep, I totally see your point and I agree with you
what we can do to help rebuildthat village.
I don't have the answer to thatOther than get involved, be
involved.
But you know, I will say rightnow, I would never step in if
you were having some issue withone of your kids.
(24:10):
I don't step in any longer.
There was a time when I wouldhave an idea uh, if I feel that
there's something unsafe, it's atotally different story, but I
don't have to worry about that.
Uh, but if that there'ssomething unsafe, it's a totally
different story, but I don'thave to worry about that.
But if it's something else, Ihave an adult to adult
discussion with you, right, andthen you make your decisions
based on.
But you know, you and Modesty,my other daughter, are both good
(24:34):
parents and you know.
But whatever we can do to helprecreate that village, that's
what we've got to do.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
But and we have.
We have, you know, through Iwon't say through no fault of
your own, but using the besttools that you had at the time
we do have a lot of generationalcurses to break.
Yeah, and I think that it'svery important.
We're not perfect, you in themoment.
We need to recognize that thatis a generational curse, that we
(25:03):
need to stop it.
We need to rer understandingand more involved, more involved
in each other's lives, when wecan.
(25:25):
I mean, I get it.
You know you have your kidsyoung and, by God, in the next
10 years, I hope like hell I'mtraveling in an RV somewhere,
but I, you know, I I'm stillgoing to stop off and see my
kids and help them out and know,give them calls and invite them
with me every once in a whileand things like that.
But I get it.
(25:45):
You know, I get the reasons whythe village is crumbling, but
people need to understand thatit's not the same village
anymore and it never will be.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
It never will be but let's not give up.
Let's try to recreate.
Let's try to up, let's try torecreate, let's try to make it a
better place, let's try torebuild a new village.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Rebuild a new village ?
Yeah, because I have friendsthat I honestly I trust and I
care for more than some familymembers and they care for my
kids like they're their own kidsand I would not hesitate to
build a village around thosepeople.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
I agree with you, Bobbi, I agree.
Well, I think that's probablyall the time we have.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Bob, I think it is.
But you know, we really doappreciate everyone who joins us
here at the Rabbit Hole andRabbit Run Studio.
So be sure to follow us, likeus, subscribe to us, give us
comments on Spotify, send us anemail at boomerandjenexer at
gmailcom.
(26:43):
You can find us on Facebook.
Send us a message, make acomment.
Hey, if you got more show ideasthat you want to hear us debate
, let us know.
We do have a list, but we wouldbe glad to add it to that list.
But if you have hate mail, youknow where you can put it.
So until next week, I'm BobbiJoy and I'm Jane Burt and you're
(27:06):
stuck with us Peace out Later.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!