"You don't have to claim every clown that comes into your ring." With this colorful warning, mother-daughter duo Jane and Bobbi dive headfirst into the complex world of relationship boundaries in this refreshingly honest episode.
Drawing from their own romantic misadventures, the hosts distinguish between red flags (warning signs of potential problems) and deal breakers (non-negotiable issues that end relationships). Their candid conversation reveals why we so often ignore early warning signs despite their significance – our fear of loneliness, misguided belief we can "fix" partners, and tendency to question our own judgment rather than acknowledge problematic behavior.
The discussion takes an intimate turn when Jane shares her five-year journey after discovering her husband's infidelity. "Every single time he got a call, I'd think 'is that a woman?'" she reveals, painting a vivid picture of the psychological toll of broken trust. Her poignant question to listeners – "Do you want to be an investigator in your own relationship?" – gets to the heart of why setting boundaries matters.
Whether you're currently coupled, recovering from heartbreak, or cautiously entering the dating world, this episode offers both validation and valuable guidance. Their generational perspectives provide a roadmap for establishing healthy boundaries and recognizing when it's time to walk away. Share your own relationship red flags with us at boomerandgenxr@gmail.com – we'd love to hear what you've learned about setting boundaries in your own life.
email: boomerandgenxer@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome everyone to today's show.
A boomer and a Gen Xer walkinto a bar, coming to you from
the rabbit hole studio, whereyou, as our listeners, will
experience some wit and wisdom,some smart assery and a mother
and a daughter questioning arewe?
We even related?
My name is Jane and my co-hostis my daughter, bobby, and for
(00:28):
the next several minutes we'rehere to entertain you.
Hello, bobby, hello.
So the topic today has got youalready drinking.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I had to pre-game.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
She had to pre-game.
She's tailgating down there.
She has a pretty stiff drink infront of her Second drink.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Oh my goodness, is it your second drink?
It is my second.
It is very stiff, very stiffman.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
So the topic is really going to kind of push you
over the edge.
Do you have your emotionalchicken there?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
handy my emotional support chicken yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
He'll probably leave me too.
Clap this.
Oh my gosh, that's funny.
Um, so our topic for today isgoing to be, uh, kind of red
flags and deal breakers inrelationships.
What, what?
(01:32):
Yeah, oh, she's taken anotherdrink already.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
I mean I see red flags.
I think it's a circus and thoseare my clowns.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
You don't have to claim every clown that comes
into your ring.
I mean, I know that you thinkyou do.
Not my circus but I know thoseclowns.
I know those clowns and I thinkI've dated them.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
So do you know what the difference is?
We'll see if you know what youdo know and maybe why you have
so many failed relationships.
But hey, listen.
Okay, Dr Phil, please, solisten.
No, I got no room to talk rightUntil I found my man.
I have had some majorsituations and major failures,
(02:21):
so my picker has been broke formany, many, many years.
It's genetic.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
One more thing for you to blameme for both your girls.
Oh, our pickers are broke oh,you can say this at my funeral
it's my mom's fault, I meanyou're gonna be blaming me for
everything else, like you doright now.
Yeah funeral party yeah, at thebig party party down.
(02:47):
Um, so the difference between ared flag, okay, and a deal
breaker.
So let's talk about red flagsand relationships.
What do you think a red flag iswhen we talk about?
Speaker 2 (02:59):
like what the definition is overall, or like
what is a red flag.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
No, what?
What's the definition of a redflag?
Speaker 2 (03:06):
okay, it would be something that would cause you
to be on alert for other redflags, to know.
I mean, basically it's whereyou draw the line this is.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
This is where she fails in relationships.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Okay drinks in.
Okay, so it would be somethingthat would just alert you to.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Hey, maybe something you know that I'm not going to
want to tolerate 10 years downthe road is yeah is is happening
, yeah so, uh, a red flag in arelationship really is kind of a
warning sign indicating youknow potential problems, as you
said, either now in your currentrelationship or maybe it could
rear its ugly head later on inlife, and so you.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
Well, that's because we overlook them at first,
because you know we want to bewith this person, and then,
after five, ten years, it's hardto overlook anymore.
And you knew, you saw, in thebeginning.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
You just didn't want to face it why do you think that
we overlook those red flags?
Now what this is, whetheryou're male or female.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Because we're desperate to be loved by
somebody else rather than justgiving our love.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
I think sometimes that is probably true.
We have this fear of beingalone, right, and are we going
to be in a relationship?
And do we really find thatperson?
And is this our one person?
And am I being too criticalwith this?
You know, this thing that Ithink is a red flag.
Maybe I'm just being toocritical and so we do tend to
(04:33):
tolerate more from people thatwe've just started dating and
women are notorious for this.
Psychologically, we alwaysthink that we can change them.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
We can fix them like Bob the Builder Get together,
ladies, we have a constructioncrew, okay.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
You might want to back off that drink down there,
Bobby.
I'm just going to say that.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
We only got a 20-minute show.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Let's go, let's try to hang tough and stay on the
rails.
It's closing time, so we alwaysthink that we can fix them.
I think there's some men thatsee that too, but women are
notorious for that.
We can fix them, we can changethem, and it isn't a matter of
fixing them.
They're fixed.
I mean they're, they are who,they are right.
(05:18):
And, uh, women call it fixingthem because they are not what
we think.
You know, we envision them to be, or what we envision them to be
as a partner, life partner wesee their potential and not
their reality yeah, and I thinkmen, on the other hand, overlook
a lot of that stuff the redflags and women yeah I think
(05:38):
they overlook a lot of those.
So what about deal breakers?
What's, what would be adefinition of a deal breaker?
Speaker 2 (05:44):
something that would in the relationship post haste.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Yeah, that's non-negotiable.
Yeah Right, it's anon-negotiable issue that really
could lead to ending therelationship.
So what do you think some ofthe common red flags are that
people see?
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Oh, other people.
Okay, I was worried we werewere gonna be diving in already
her eyes just got really reallybig.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
I got sober real quick yeah it was like, oh, am I
getting a shot?
What do you think some commonred flags are bobby that people
kind of probably see, or maybethey overlook.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
I think that one big one is instability.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
In what way you mean like job wise Job wise, home
wise, if they have kids.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
They're not stable in their kids lives, you know they
don't.
They kind of have a revolvingdoor of friends that they don't
really have, but like maybe onefriend that they can hang on to
because people just keep comingin and out of their life because
of what they're choosing to do.
Things like that, just theinstability of it all so that's
(06:54):
kind of really a lack ofcommitment.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
That's a lack of committing to being there for
your family.
It's a lack of wanting to makesure that you're doing the right
thing for your family, whetherthat's holding a job, being home
, taking care of the kids likeyou have to take care of the
kids.
And how many times have youheard one of the spouses, or one
of the not even a spouse aperson in your relationship, say
(07:18):
oh, I'm babysitting tonight.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Oh my god, that drives me nuts.
If they're your kids, you cannever babysit.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Right, right, and I've heard an idiot I've heard
people say that I can't tell theother guys I'm I wouldn't know
anything about that, yeah I'mbabysitting the kids tonight
have you ever heard that doctordomain?
Did you use that term?
No, I have no idea what you'retalking about so if some, if one
of your friends called you andsaid, hey, you know, let's go
(07:45):
out and go clubbing, let's sayit was young in your younger
days, cause if you did it nowyou'd just be the old man in the
bar Red flag.
But you know, if somebody calledyou, did you ever say I can't,
I'm babysitting tonight.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
No, no no, no one trusts me with their kids no,
your own kids, oh my goodness oh, I'm babysitting, I'm watching
my own children yes would youcall that babysitting?
Speaker 1 (08:16):
that term.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
I'm babysitting my kids tonight no you've heard
guys say that though yeah, Ihave heard that, yeah, yeah,
with their own kids, with theirown kids With their own kids.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Why would you ever use the term babysitting with
your own kids?
Speaker 3 (08:29):
Not that exact term.
No, I wouldn't say that.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
I've heard that exact term.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
Why yeah, I?
Speaker 2 (08:34):
know, I would say Dr.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Domain say like um, oh sorry, I can't go out.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
I have my kids for the weekend.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Not, I'm babysitting, no.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
I think, in all fairness though that is a common
phrase that we hear from themale population.
I don't mean to pick on themale population, but the male
population does utilize thatterm.
If they are watching their ownkids, they say no, I'm
babysitting the kids tonight.
That is a very, very commonterm that we have heard over the
years and I think every womanout there would agree with that.
And if they don't, well thenthey.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Yeah, no, I've never heard that.
No.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Bobby, you have, oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:17):
When you use the phrase, when you use the word
babysit, it sounds like Likeother people's kids, that's like
an employable role, right?
No kidding, you pay someone towatch your kids.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
God love you.
He's just catching up.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
He's catching up.
You got it.
Speaker 3 (09:31):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
That's what they're saying is they're using the term
as a derogatory for watchingtheir own children?
Caring for their own childrenas I'm babysitting?
Speaker 1 (09:42):
these kids or my kids yeah and women say how are you
babysitting your own kids?
We watch our kids every singleday.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
We don't call it babysitting.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
I've never said I have to babysit my kids.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
You know, I have had to say Well, as adults, you've
had to babysit us, yeah no, asyou have me.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Yes, no, I have had to say you, you know I need to
go find my kids, but that wasonly after a week.
That was yeah well, it took.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
It took a little while to, but no, I mean that is
that is a huge red flag is,like I said, the instability,
the you know, like you said, thebasic lack of commitment to
what they have created, whetherit be children, a family, you
know, a job, house, whatever.
Just the complete lack ofcommitment and instability of it
(10:32):
is just a huge red flag sothat's a big red flag for you oh
, for me no, I thought we weretalking in general, in general,
I guess, okay, in general.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
so another one would be controlling behavior.
You know, if a man or yoursignificant other has a
controlling behavior, now itdoesn't just have to be a man.
I use that term because youknow I'm the female in the
relationship.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
It's the do as I say, not as I do, mentality where I
can go out to the bar and hangwith my friends but you can't
because I don't want you to.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Yeah, or I can come home late with no excuse.
You know or not call, but don'tyou dare do it.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
I cannot call you for a week straight, but don't you
dare not pick up my phone?
Speaker 1 (11:15):
But there's some more things other than that.
I mean, I've seen women in somepretty darn controlling
situations, relationships andand they weren't they weren't
married to these people.
They could have walked away.
You know, you kind of have toask yourself why aren't you?
And psychologically, whathappens is is we get into this
cyclical situation where we wantto get out.
(11:38):
We don't know how to get out,so we stay in the comfort of
what we know, and we know thistype of behavior that's, they
become comfortable.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
That's the better the devil you know than the one you
don't yeah, and so they getfearful of leaving.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
But did you?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
know that even in so there's lots of different forms
of abuse, and that is a huge redflag that I would never put up
with.
But there's like financialabuse, emotional abuse, mental
abuse, physical abuse.
Financial abuse is a huge onefor women, especially because of
the traditional roles that youknow.
Men kind of think that, oh, I'mgoing to go make the money, you
(12:13):
stay home.
Well then they have financialcontrol over that person, and it
takes an average of seven timesfor a woman to leave a
relationship that has some sortof abuse going on, seven times
just because of the control, thepower, everything that's held
over them.
And so I don't I don't blame thepeople who stay, but I do
(12:34):
always question theircircumstances yeah, like
especially if they're given, andout if they're given, and the
most time, the most dangeroustime in a woman's relationship
is when she's planning to leave,because that is the time that
the most violence happens, themost murder happens, things like
that.
And so I can't I can't sit hereand say that I blame people for
(12:55):
being in these relationshipsonce they're in so far.
But it goes back to the redflag thing.
They were there at thebeginning, you chose to ignore
them and now they're an issueright regardless if they hid
them or not.
Right, there were signs right.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
So what do you think about?
And I see a lot of these memesout there where these women are
really kind of gold diggerstrying to get the guys to pay
for you know, um, not only that,dating them, but, hey, I need
you to buy me a car, I need youto pay for my, pay for
everything, pay for my rent, payfor all, all of this.
And what's really?
It's sad.
(13:30):
It really is sad to see so whenyou talk about how somebody has
financial control or financialsuperiority over you, a lot of
people put themselves in thatsituation because they like
being taken care of.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
I would like being taken care of.
But like being taken care of.
But I mean, I think that's suchbullshit, where people are like
oh, you gotta buy my car andyou gotta pay for my nails and
you gotta, you know, pay forthis, and that it's like I don't
get it because I don't need anyof that, like I pay for my own
shit and I still.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
I heard some women talking on a podcast the other
day where they really expectedthese guys to drop some big cash
on them just to take them outthe first time.
I mean big cash like not onlydo you take me to the highest
price restaurant, you better bedriving a bentley or having a
dozen roses, and you better.
Have all that and you better buymy outfit and then you better
(14:23):
take me shopping and then, whenwe're all done, I'll decide
whether I'm going to stay withyou, and I thought, holy crap,
no wonder you get no respect.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Like, take me to taco casa.
We'll sit on the back of thepickup truck, tailgate and
people watch while we eat dinner.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yeah done yeah, I mean I I think that sometimes we
set ourselves up for failurewhen it comes to those sorts of
things.
So controlling behavior is onered flag.
Poor communication is anotherNow with that said, though,
women are just as bad as men.
Women are just as bad as menwhen it comes to poor
(14:58):
communication.
Let's face it Men do notcommunicate like women do.
They do not think like women do.
And we know that our minds aretotally different, and so if you
want to communicate with him,you can either expect him to
conform to how you think goodluck with that or you can
conform to how he thinks and howhe communicates and how he
(15:21):
receives that message.
And that's psychology, 101, 101.
You have to learn what people'sbehaviors are, how they
communicate, how they transmittheir information from what you
say to what they hear, and soyou know, I think that's, that's
a two-way street as far as I'mconcerned.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
But I think poor communication goes way beyond
that.
I think poor communication goeswhere you can communicate to
somebody all day, but unlessthey listen and understand,
what's the good of communication?
You know, I can talk at you allday, but unless you're willing
to understand and actuallylisten to what I'm saying and
make you know if I need changesfrom you, make changes.
(16:00):
What's the point.
Yeah, I mean it's just blah,blah, blah all day.
Now if I tell somebody, hey,this is how I feel, this is what
I need, I need this opencommunication.
I need to hear from you, youknow, once a day saying, hey,
what's up?
And they choose not to havethat communication, even though
(16:20):
you told them, and then get madat you about it.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
That's no no, doesn't that kind of get down to
honesty?
I mean, if you're going to tellme through your communication
that, hey, this is what I wantto do, and I want to do it
because I want our relationshipto last or because I want to be
totally transparent with you, itreally kind of gets down to
honesty it does, because anybodycan say oh yeah, you know, I'll
(16:45):
always tell you the truth orI'll never lie to you.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
And the whole time they're lying out of their damn
ass right, oh my gosh like, andyou don't know it, because how
are you going to prove it unless?
Speaker 1 (16:56):
you look like a psycho and you kind of go why,
why are you lying?
Speaker 2 (17:00):
and yeah, if I asked for it up front.
Just why are you lying?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
what I mean.
Who are you answering to?
That you've got to lie.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
I mean because I tell you I'm not that big of a prize
that you need to be lying to meabout shit.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
I'm not on the top shelf, like I'm just saying is
all.
You are bobby, you are thefirst place participation trophy
.
No, you're not, you're a,you're a big trophy and the
sport doesn't even go with thetrophy so, um, what about
emotional abuse?
(17:33):
You kind of mentioned thatearlier.
Yeah, any kind of abuse, yeahany kind of abuse.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
I don't care if it's.
They start out where it's infun, like poking at you type of
thing, but they know that itbothers you because you've
communicated to them.
Hey, that really bothered mewhat you said tonight.
Yeah, and they continue tothink it's funny, or can any
type of abuse like that that'sthat's abuse and that's
manipulation and I think youhave to be careful with that,
because we'll say that I damagedsome relationships with that.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
I have a very cutting witty tongue.
I'm very fast to think of smartass things to say back, and you
know, I mean I, I this thingruns like there's times I don't
think before I speak and we'reall surprised.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
I'm surprised at what comes out of my mouth.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
I mean my, my mouth runs like a finely tuned Briggs
and Stratton motor, you knowengine.
It's like gosh darn this thingcan go.
It's like gosh darn this thingcan go.
But I have ruined relationshipsor contributed to that.
Where you know, you start outkind of just bantering with
somebody Right, and it's allfunny and it's kind of fun, and
(18:36):
you think, oh, we love to banterBecause Dr Domain and I banter
back and forth too.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
And I think that that's healthy.
I do too, but we've talkedabout this we've talked about.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Don't cross that line .
Right, let's not cross thatline because I, unfortunately,
and in past relationships thepeople I've been with, have
crossed that line but did theymake that line known to you
before you crossed it?
Um, I think you should.
We should have known.
I think they were prettyobvious with how okay, they
entered, so they didn't make it.
It got to a point where we wereinsulting, or we were, and you
(19:09):
know you think it's funny, butit's not funny to them,
especially when you're doing itin front of other people and
it's hurtful to them and so youknow you, that can be kind of an
emotional abuse also yeah, and,like I said, any kind of abuse
off the table period.
So let me ask you this.
I mean, we will all agree thata man should never strike a
(19:31):
woman, never, never.
Well, self-defense, okay, yeah,if a woman, what about woman
striking a man?
Never should happen.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Never should happen, unless it's in self-defense,
exactly.
Keep your damn hands toyourself.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Exactly, exactly.
I don't care who it is, youhave no right to lay hands on
anybody.
If you are a woman and you layhands on a man, all bets are off
as far as I'm concerned.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
And don't come running to me going.
That's a man.
He should have never hit awoman, under any circumstances.
She should have never, everraised a hand to him.
No, not.
And I agree with you.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
If it's self-defense, hey, all bets right you know,
hands are rated e for everybody.
Yeah, I'll take, I'll take youout, but if it's not and you
just feel like you want to slapthem, you want to punch them
yeah you want to hit them withsomething yeah, just turn around
, walk away, just leaveliterally get your shit and
(20:31):
leave if it's to that point,because it's never going to get
better than you know, it's nevergoing to get better if that's
the mentality that you have,that you think that you put your
hands on somebody just becausethey made you mad so what do you
think about that, dr DomanDoman, doman, doman.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
Doman, doman from a man's perspective.
Do you think that if a womanslaps a man, that he has a right
to slap her back?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Or stabs a man.
Yeah, it'd have to be prettyextreme.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
Even if I got hit I'd restrain myself.
But there's a lot of boys outthere.
I'll call them boys that youhear of incidents where they'll
raise a hand first.
Yeah, they deserve an asswhooping.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
That man boy does.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
There's no excuse for that.
I don't care how abusive, howloud or boisterous or that woman
is, you don't do that.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
I guess I you know.
Like I said, if a woman goesafter a man and attacks him, she
needs to be taken out behindthe bar.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
He has every right to defend himself.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
Yeah, I agree with that Do I take?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
him out behind the bar and hurt her.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
No, probably not, but one or two good hits would
probably calm her ass down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
And so you know, depends on the situation we may
differ from some of ourlisteners in this respect and
and if we do, we'd sure like tohear from you, um, because I
feel like, uh, it's, it's ahuman issue, not a male female
issue, right?
I think that it's a human issue, not a male-female issue, right
?
I think that it's a respect forhuman beings, I think it's a
respect for their personal spaceand I don't think you ever have
(22:14):
a right to do that to someone.
And, like Bobby said, if it'sself-defense, I'm coming after
you.
You know.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
So let's talk personally.
What's a deal breaker?
Speaker 1 (22:29):
for you.
You know, I would like to sayone of the what do you think is
the top deal breaker?
That for you?
Speaker 2 (22:35):
no, I'm talking for us.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
Let's get personal he's talking about you, not what
you're reading for me doublesdeep, let's do it okay for me, I
would say dishonest okay.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Does that encompass like so dishonesty lies that
would include like cheatingthings like that I would say
infidelity, you know, becauseinfidelity and that's where I
was headed with that is thenumber one reason.
Speaker 3 (22:57):
A relationship breakdown, um any type of
addiction is number two butgoing back to that, I mean
infidelity and dishonesty aremutually exclusive right you
would hope that if someone'sgonna cheat on you, that they're
gonna be honest about it, butusually that doesn't go hand in
hand no, well right, that's whyit's called cheating instead of
(23:20):
the double whammy right, yeah,it's lying.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
But well, there's lying and there's cheating, and
there's well but it's differentit wouldn't be cheating if they
weren't lying about it.
Yeah, so if they were beingupfront and honest about it,
saying hey, I'm gonna go sleepwith this girl, then that's more
of a polyamory type thing,because they're being honest
about it.
So if they're cheating, it'sliterally they're lying about it
(23:45):
I, I agree.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
So I kind of grabbed the whole thing and said honesty
, you know, if you want to go bewith somebody else, just tell
me, yeah, just go, just tell meand then, and then I can make a
decision to leave right now, ifI make the decision to stay,
then that's on me.
That's on me, yeah, right.
But if you tell me and I Idecide to go, now the decisions,
(24:09):
now the ball's in my court,right, okay?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
honestly, if you actually say that you care about
somebody, honesty should benumber one, because if you don't
give me the opportunity to dowhat I'm going to do with that
information, then you reallydon't care about me.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Right.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
If you're not going to be honest with me and say,
hey, you know it's this, thisand this, and I just want to be
upfront about it.
You really don't care about me,because I can take that
information and I can use it howI see fit, because it's my life
.
You know whether I go, whetherI go, whether I stay, whether we
talk it out, whatever you haverobbed me of that decision in my
(24:48):
life, which?
Is a huge decision, which meansyou don't care about me.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Totally agree, because I think I should be able
to make that decision on my ownbehalf.
Yeah, and the thing is is, if Idon't get the opportunity to
make that decision now, mysafety is at stake.
Correct, Correct, correct, andthat's that's a big deal.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
It's to the point where they're using you.
They they know what they'redoing and they really don't care
about you if that's whatthey're doing.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
Yeah, I mean, if you think about Heinrich's
psychological pyramid you knowuh.
Safety is your number onefactor right.
And so you want to protectyourself.
And if somebody says, hey, youknow I'm, I want to be with
somebody else, Okay, let me makethe decision on what I'm going
to do with me.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
Yeah.
So, do you have any more dealbreakers?
Speaker 1 (25:37):
I would say you know what that leads to, obviously.
But if somebody's totallydishonest with me, if somebody
said, hey, I'm going to thestore and they don't go to the
store, that's one thing, right.
I think there's some severityhere.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
If somebody said, but why are they lying about going
to the store, if that's right?
Speaker 3 (25:56):
stupid little thing to lie about, then obviously
they're gonna lie about big shitmaybe they're getting them a
gift maybe they were.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Yeah, no, I think that there's a little bit of
condition there, and I I agreewith what you're saying, because
if you're gonna lie to me aboutthe little stuff, the big stuff
isn't gonna be that big of aright.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
It's almost like practice lying to you about the
little stuff if I can hide that,think of what else I can hide
from her and um.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
So yeah, I I think the honesty thing is really kind
of the big deal.
That is all encompassing for me.
Okay, if I ask you who were youtalking to and you tell me it
was bob, and it wasn't, it wasbarbara, and you know you were
making plans for friday night,you know that.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Now you're into other issues, so your major one is
dishonesty that you wouldn't beable to.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Yeah, okay, what's yours?
Speaker 2 (26:49):
that's a tough one, because I want to say both
breathe hard.
Well, I want to say cheating,but honestly it's.
It's not just lying, but it'slies by omission.
Lies by omission, I guess liesperiod.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
But lies by omission just make me want to choke the
person that's part of honesty,like why yeah, but like, why I?
Speaker 2 (27:12):
why did you leave that part of the story out?
Why did you just not sayanything?
Why did you avoid it when Iasked you?
Why did you like?
Why lie?
Like I said I'm, I'm aparticipation trophy at best.
Yeah, I got a great heart andI'm a good person, but why would
you lie to me?
Speaker 1 (27:28):
you.
You know what.
You belittle yourself, bobby,and you shouldn't do that,
because I'm a little shiny, I'mjust at the wrong sport.
Well, you know, you may not bethe sharpest tack in the box,
but you do try to be theshiniest.
Um you, you're.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
You're better than that, so stop it okay, look, I'm
like oh for nine forrelationships in my life so well
you're the swing, and thepicker's been broke too.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
You know what I've?
Speaker 2 (27:50):
been moved from even the minor leagues.
I'm down in like triple a atthis stop it.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
Stop it.
You don't have to be, you knowit it is.
Speaker 2 (27:58):
I don't, because I'm yeah done, cut it off what about
you dr domain?
Speaker 1 (28:04):
I mean, what's your total deal breaker?
Speaker 3 (28:07):
so not a red flag, a deal breaker a deal breaker.
So not a red flag, a dealbreaker.
A deal breaker yeah, I'm notgoing to say anything that's new
, probably infidelity,dishonesty, those kinds of
things.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Okay, but it leads to .
Speaker 3 (28:23):
I mean it could be really powerful.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
The dishonesty part to the point where it gets
rationalized and they makeexcuses.
And sure um makes you feel likeyou're crazy yeah, I
experienced that firsthand.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
There's a condition I wasn't aware of it, but I
learned about and I studied alot during my experience and
it's called limerence and it'swhere that person becomes not
loving of another person but,you know, uh, infatuated.
It's where that person becomesnot loving of another person but
, you know, infatuated.
It's more that Like a lustful.
It's not necessarily a mentaldisorder, like you know other
things, but it probably could bea mental disorder.
(29:01):
But they rewrite history and Ihad some really weird examples
of that and, you know, with theperson you've been with for
decades you're like, yeah,that's totally different now.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:11):
Yeah, it was, it was, it was a very unique experience
, and but they become socompelled and they become so
obsessed with the fact thatthey're engaged with that other
person that they rewrite historyand they totally make things up
and they believe it, my kids dothat, they make it up, I mean,
and they totally but they, theybelieve it, my kids do that,
(29:31):
they make it up, I mean and theytotally believe it.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
They will lie.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
They'll lie to their own children.
Oh, I know, and it's sad.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
The thing is, they get to a point where they
believe their own lies.
Speaker 3 (29:44):
The hardest part was hearing the lie.
To me that's different then.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
But once you lie to the children, that, just like
that, takes it to a wholedifferent level yeah, but I
always thought, okay, so, andI'm not just shush over there
because I ain't coming after you.
But growing up in a divorcedhome, the number one thing that
I noticed that both parents didwas lie to the kids.
I mean, they always lied to thekids everything's fine, we're
(30:12):
going to be happier.
You know, you're not going tohave to do this, you'll have two
christmases, it'll be great.
You know, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Everything was lies to the kids when I did nice and
sit down, shut up and no onelikes you anyway, again, I'm
undiagnosed for a reason.
Speaker 3 (30:32):
Jesus, I'm kidding, but you don't need to divulge
every level of detail.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
No, but I think that Bobby has a good point and you
and I talked about that too, DrDomain is when your kids hit a
certain age, acting like somehowthey're still living in Never,
never land or in some pipe dreamis not good for those kids.
Speaker 3 (30:54):
They have to start it's being able to the age is
six yeah, but you don't, youdon't unload on I'm not saying
about unloading.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
No, you don't, you don't unload on them by any
means, and you don't need totell them all the details but, I
think you do have to be honestin some respects.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
So one of the other things, and but it's, but I
wouldn't, I wouldn't go.
So I wouldn't go so far.
I wouldn't give them all thedetail and I think we agree with
that yeah because it reallyyou're talking about their other
parent, right?
Yeah, the child's parent.
Yeah, I'd never be demeaning ordisrespectful to the other
person, despite how they mighthave done that to me I wouldn't
(31:36):
reciprocate that especially tothe children well, I did um, I
was gonna say oh, man, it was uh, I did.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
It was a shit show.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Let me tell you the first one after that no, well,
yeah, because you only had kidswith the first one, right?
So I mean it was, and we wereyoung.
Well, I was young and you knowit's funny.
You say that because me and mysister we were savage.
I mean, we were savage and Ithink I don't know if add
genetics, whatever, but you know, my sister and I we used to
fight when we were little and Iwould look at her and say, well,
(32:07):
you're the only reason myparents got married.
And she goes, yeah, well,you're the only reason my
parents got married.
And she goes, yeah, well,you're the only reason my
parents got divorced savage,savage.
That's really hurtful rightthere, we laughed about it.
We still laugh about it, okay,well, that might be part of your
trauma makes us funnier.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
And then you wonder why you're zero for nine.
Listen, just saying one daysomeone will love me you know
what, bobby?
There's a lot of people wholove you, so stop it.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
Not like that.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
Well, that person just hasn't, you know, reared
their ugly head yet.
Jesus Almost choked, theyhaven't stepped into the circus
ring.
Bless your heart.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
Dr Domain, because I'm telling you I'd have drowned
her by now so one of the otherthings you know I mentioned was
addiction.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
That's tough on everybody, yep and uh, you know,
and it's not just drugs we'retalking, you know, pornography
addiction, gambling addiction,things like that I've mentioned
before.
You know that I I have a degreein social science and studied
psychology.
You have mentioned that.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
How many times Like six?
Speaker 1 (33:14):
And I don't remember anything as it relates to it,
but we all have some sort ofaddiction.
Yeah, we have some sort ofaddictive behavior, whether it's
eating, whether it's lying,whether it's drinking, whether
it's drugs, whether it's youknow.
Social media personality Nowwhat changes for everybody is
when our coping skills kick in.
(33:36):
What level do our coping skillskick in?
Some are very low, some arevery high, and so some people
never, you know see that anotherperson's addictions because
they don't hit that thatthreshold and um, but addictions
are very tough't hit that thatthreshold and um, but addictions
are very tough.
And I personally and people aregoing to disagree with me on
(33:57):
this one, and and so be it lordyeah, this will be a tough one.
A lot of things that areconsidered addictions or
illnesses or diseases.
I'd be honest with you, folksthey're not diseases.
Those are choices.
You know, let's quit callingthem diseases when they are
choices.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
Okay, I'm going to call you out on that.
So, I believe in the beginningit's mostly a choice.
I have known people that havebeen forced to take very
addictive drugs like heroin andthings like that, like
forcefully injected.
I think that at first it can bea choice, but after that, the
way that it alters your body andbrain chemistry, I believe that
(34:35):
it does and can turn into adisease, like an actual legit
brain eating.
You have less gray matter thanyou should disease.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
I think it becomes an addiction.
I do not believe it becomes adisease.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Oh, we'll differ on that.
Yeah, we'll differ on that.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
And then you know, the other thing is a significant
misalignment of values.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Oh, yeah, yeah, Even before you get married, people
are not having sitting down,having conversations other than
do you want kids?
Yeah, I want kids.
Oh my God, I do too.
You're not talking aboutreligious upbringing.
You're not talking aboutschooling.
You're not talking about thingslike sports and family.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
How are we?
Speaker 2 (35:17):
going to fight, right ?
How are we going to raise ourkids?
What's it going to look likewhen we fight?
Speaker 1 (35:21):
I agree when the kids you know when we have a
disagreement with the kids andthey don't sit down and have
these conversations.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
No, they don't they.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
Are we going to have these conversations?
No, they don't.
They're too busy, worried about, you know, having a 50 to a
hundred thousand dollar weddingand where they're going to go on
their honeymoon, as opposed tohow are we going to handle our
finances Right?
Who's going to work Right?
What difference does it make?
Speaker 2 (35:43):
What if we have a medically fragile child who's
going to stay home?
How are we?
How would we face this?
What if I become medicallyfragile?
Speaker 1 (35:51):
yeah, yeah, what if that?
And now you're my caretaker,yeah, you know.
Yeah, I think a lot of thosethings do not get discussed.
Religion, you know, dr domain,and I have talked about that
before.
You know, would we be withsomeone who was a satanist or
someone who is an atheist?
The answer is no, right, Idon't care.
You know, they can be as niceas pie, they can work at the
(36:13):
soup kitchen, they can dowhatever, but your religious?
Speaker 2 (36:16):
views have to align, absolutely yeah.
And so there's a lot associatedwith that and people think they
can just work through this,like oh, we'll burn that bridge
when we get to it, type of thing, and it's like like no, the
bridge is here and now.
Because this should bediscussed, this should be talked
about, a plan should be inplace before you two ever think
(36:38):
of continuing your livestogether because a lot of things
come into that.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
You know, jealousy um , we didn't even talk about that
.
Anger management how do youhandle your?
You know I, I have a bad temper, there's no doubt about that.
I wonder where I got that from.
Yeah, you know I, I have a badtemper, there's no doubt about
that I wonder where I got thatfrom.
And you know, the thing is is,when I was younger it was really
bad.
Yeah, it was, and you know,I've learned to control it now
and and a lot of it is.
You know, if I don't have a dogin the fight, I'm not getting
(37:05):
into it, but before I would, Iwould go to every fight I was
invited to.
Yeah, and I didn't even have tobe invited, but there's just,
you know, so many other thingsthat come into this.
You know what is gaslightingand we've all done it.
Let's not act like we haven't.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
I gaslight myself every day Like that's the only
way I can get up, get out of bedand go through my day.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
I gaslight the shit out of myself but when there's
infidelity and dishonesty, youknow, manipulating someone to
doubt their own sanity, it'scrazy, pretty common.
It's a sociopathic trait?
Oh, absolutely, absolutely itis.
And so then you know when Iwant to go back here to the
infidelity part, because,because you're stuck on it,
(37:48):
because you brought it up andasked me, you know, and the fact
is is I have been in thatsituation with one of my
divorces.
Yeah, I'm just going to sharethis.
I don't think I've shared thiswith a lot of people, but I'm
going to because I want peopleto think about this and I want
our listeners to think aboutthis.
In case you're going through it.
I went through it, caught himin a situation.
(38:10):
I'm a pretty strong woman.
(38:33):
There's no doubt about it.
It isn't about how strong youyou're perceived by society,
what kind of job you have, howmuch money you make.
It has nothing to do with anyof that, because people will go
oh, but you're so strong, youknow, you're so courageous,
you're so brave, you're so brave, yeah, yeah, it has nothing to
do with that.
So I caught him in a situationand I made the decision to stay
and go through counseling yeah,worst decision of my entire life
.
And let me tell you why.
I stayed for five years beforeI found out he was doing it
again.
So let me tell you why that wasa bad decision for me.
(38:54):
Because when somebody cheats onyou, when somebody lies to you,
when somebody is dishonest andthey have lost your loyalty, now
I'm a firm believer that youhave to be trustworthy in order
to gain trust, yeah, so you haveto display those
characteristics.
If you want thosecharacteristics in another
(39:15):
person, you'd better have themyourself, right?
And so you have to be totallytrustworthy, and I chose to stay
for five years before I foundout that he was doing it again.
That five years was the mostmiserable time period I had ever
had.
Every single day I woke upregretting my decision, even
though I had gone thinking Iwant to save this marriage, I
(39:38):
want to go through counseling,and I had to ask myself at some
point you know, do you want tobe an investigator in your own
relationship?
Speaker 2 (39:48):
Do you want to have to do that?
Speaker 1 (39:49):
Because every single time he got a call, I'd think is
that a woman?
Yep, every time he got a text,I think, is that another woman?
Yep every single time he waslate yep, is he with another
woman?
Where is he?
Yep, every time he'd come homelate and he'd say oh yeah, you
know I got a flat tire orwhatever.
I think did you really Right.
(40:10):
Every time he told me a story.
Every time something came up Iwas questioning my sanity.
It is the life of misery, yeah,and so you have to ask yourself
do you want to be aninvestigator in your own
relationship?
And I chose to be for fiveyears until I found out that it
(40:33):
was happening again, and then Ileft permanently.
But you know, I want you to askyourself now.
I am not advocating divorce.
I want people to stay together.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
I definitely if it's that bad, go for it.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
I mean, but you know what, don't get married.
But don't get married if youthink you're going to get a
divorce well, why would you getmarried thinking you're going to
get a divorce?
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Some?
Speaker 1 (40:54):
people do, Some people think ah, if this don't
work out, I'll just get adivorce.
It's not that big a deal yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
What's the divorce rate in the United States, Bobby
so right now, as of I guessit's 2024, the divorce rate is
still between 40 to 50 percentfor their first marriages, holy
cow for their first marriage.
I got that one out of the waywhat about the second marriage?
I don't know.
(41:20):
See you asked me this earlier.
I have no idea.
That's high, no idea that'shigh.
Speaker 1 (41:25):
That tells me that people are entering into a
marriage not thinking througheverything and thinking, if all
else fails, I can get a divorce.
Speaker 2 (41:33):
Well, I mean 75% of respondents, when they asked why
they were getting divorced,cited a lack of commitment as
the leading cause of divorce.
So I'm assuming that that wouldencompass like emotional
withdrawal, avoidingconversations, lack of goals,
you know, like we talked about,you don't have your shit
together and in line for whatyour future looks like, and so
(41:55):
you're going to find about it.
Speaker 1 (41:56):
What are you talking about while you're dating for
those, however many years?
And you should date for many,many years before you ever get
married?
Because, let's face it, thinkabout all these people who have
been married for 20 years andthey find out that she's got
another home on the other side,or that he's the green river
killer yeah, or something typeof shit that would be kind of.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
I mean, if you're going to find out something that
would be kind of that would bea weird show right there.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
I could be on dateline.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Oh my god, I would fangirl out over that.
I'd be like, oh my god, I'm on.
Snapped y'all watch me.
Speaker 1 (42:31):
Well, um, I want people to think about this and
think about what we talked about, because you know, if you're in
a relationship, cut them someslack, man, and you know,
communicate well and understandhow they communicate and they're
not.
You know, we we talked about itbefore on how men communicate,
as it relates to how womencommunicate Not.
Speaker 2 (42:51):
you know, we talked about your son, right, you know,
not looking him straight in theeye, because men don't like
that, and yeah, I, and honestly,the only thing I have left to
say is look, if you're going tobe abusive, if you're going to
cheat, if you're going to lie tosomebody, just freaking, leave,
stay to yourself just leave, gofind some other idiot to deal
(43:12):
with.
that actually likes being liedto or something.
But you know there's people outhere that are honest,
trustworthy people, who havegood hearts.
That you are just playing andscrewing for the next person,
yeah, and I'm over it.
Speaker 1 (43:26):
Stay home If you can find a mate that you know loves
you and supports you and youknow loves you and supports you
and you know is there for youand one day one day I got better
luck of finding leprechaun orgold in a leprechaun's ass than
I've got that, but okay, you'rewhat I said.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
I've got better luck finding gold in a leprechaun's
ass than I've got are.
Speaker 3 (43:50):
Are you?
Speaker 2 (43:51):
digging for gold.
I mean, I might as well be ifI'm digging for a relationship.
Anyways, I think that that isall the insanity that we have
for today.
We appreciate you joining ushere at the Rabbit Hole Studio.
Be sure to follow us.
We look forward to spendingtime with you each and every
week.
Please like us and if you havepositive feedback for us or if
(44:13):
there's a topic you'd like totalk about, drop us a short
email at boomerangenxr atgmailcom.
If you have hate mail, well,you can throw that right in the
garbage with my ex.
So until next week, I'm BobbiJoy and I'm Jane Burt and you're
stuck with us Peace out Later.
Bobby Joy and I'm Jane Burt andyou're stuck with us.
(44:37):
Peace out Later.
Welcome everyone to today's show.
A boomer and a Gen Xer walkinto a bar, coming to you from
the rabbit hole studio, whereyou, as our listeners, will
experience some wit and wisdom,some smart assery and a mother
and a daughter questioning arewe?
We even related?
My name is Jane and my co-hostis my daughter, bobby, and for
(00:28):
the next several minutes we'rehere to entertain you.
Hello, bobby, hello.
So the topic today has got youalready drinking.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I had to pre-game.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
She had to pre-game.
She's tailgating down there.
She has a pretty stiff drink infront of her Second drink.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Oh my goodness, is it your second drink?
It is my second.
It is very stiff, very stiffman.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
So the topic is really going to kind of push you
over the edge.
Do you have your emotionalchicken there?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
handy my emotional support chicken yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
He'll probably leave me too.
Clap this.
Oh my gosh, that's funny.
Um, so our topic for today isgoing to be, uh, kind of red
flags and deal breakers inrelationships.
What, what?
(01:32):
Yeah, oh, she's taken anotherdrink already.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
I mean I see red flags.
I think it's a circus and thoseare my clowns.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
You don't have to claim every clown that comes
into your ring.
I mean, I know that you thinkyou do.
Not my circus but I know thoseclowns.
I know those clowns and I thinkI've dated them.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
So do you know what the difference is?
We'll see if you know what youdo know and maybe why you have
so many failed relationships.
But hey, listen.
Okay, Dr Phil, please, solisten.
No, I got no room to talk rightUntil I found my man.
I have had some majorsituations and major failures,
(02:21):
so my picker has been broke formany, many, many years.
It's genetic.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
One more thing for you to blameme for both your girls.
Oh, our pickers are broke oh,you can say this at my funeral
it's my mom's fault, I meanyou're gonna be blaming me for
everything else, like you doright now.
Yeah funeral party yeah, at thebig party party down.
(02:47):
Um, so the difference between ared flag, okay, and a deal
breaker.
So let's talk about red flagsand relationships.
What do you think a red flag iswhen we talk about?
Speaker 2 (02:59):
like what the definition is overall, or like
what is a red flag.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
No, what?
What's the definition of a redflag?
Speaker 2 (03:06):
okay, it would be something that would cause you
to be on alert for other redflags, to know.
I mean, basically it's whereyou draw the line this is.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
This is where she fails in relationships.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Okay drinks in.
Okay, so it would be somethingthat would just alert you to.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Hey, maybe something you know that I'm not going to
want to tolerate 10 years downthe road is yeah is is happening
, yeah so, uh, a red flag in arelationship really is kind of a
warning sign indicating youknow potential problems, as you
said, either now in your currentrelationship or maybe it could
rear its ugly head later on inlife, and so you.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
Well, that's because we overlook them at first,
because you know we want to bewith this person, and then,
after five, ten years, it's hardto overlook anymore.
And you knew, you saw, in thebeginning.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
You just didn't want to face it why do you think that
we overlook those red flags?
Now what this is, whetheryou're male or female.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Because we're desperate to be loved by
somebody else rather than justgiving our love.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
I think sometimes that is probably true.
We have this fear of beingalone, right, and are we going
to be in a relationship?
And do we really find thatperson?
And is this our one person?
And am I being too criticalwith this?
You know, this thing that Ithink is a red flag.
Maybe I'm just being toocritical and so we do tend to
(04:33):
tolerate more from people thatwe've just started dating and
women are notorious for this.
Psychologically, we alwaysthink that we can change them.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
We can fix them like Bob the Builder Get together,
ladies, we have a constructioncrew, okay.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
You might want to back off that drink down there,
Bobby.
I'm just going to say that.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
We only got a 20-minute show.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Let's go, let's try to hang tough and stay on the
rails.
It's closing time, so we alwaysthink that we can fix them.
I think there's some men thatsee that too, but women are
notorious for that.
We can fix them, we can changethem, and it isn't a matter of
fixing them.
They're fixed.
I mean they're, they are who,they are right.
(05:18):
And, uh, women call it fixingthem because they are not what
we think.
You know, we envision them to be, or what we envision them to be
as a partner, life partner wesee their potential and not
their reality yeah, and I thinkmen, on the other hand, overlook
a lot of that stuff the redflags and women yeah I think
(05:38):
they overlook a lot of those.
So what about deal breakers?
What's, what would be adefinition of a deal breaker?
Speaker 2 (05:44):
something that would in the relationship post haste.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Yeah, that's non-negotiable.
Yeah Right, it's anon-negotiable issue that really
could lead to ending therelationship.
So what do you think some ofthe common red flags are that
people see?
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Oh, other people.
Okay, I was worried we werewere gonna be diving in already
her eyes just got really reallybig.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
I got sober real quick yeah it was like, oh, am I
getting a shot?
What do you think some commonred flags are bobby that people
kind of probably see, or maybethey overlook.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
I think that one big one is instability.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
In what way you mean like job wise Job wise, home
wise, if they have kids.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
They're not stable in their kids lives, you know they
don't.
They kind of have a revolvingdoor of friends that they don't
really have, but like maybe onefriend that they can hang on to
because people just keep comingin and out of their life because
of what they're choosing to do.
Things like that, just theinstability of it all so that's
(06:54):
kind of really a lack ofcommitment.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
That's a lack of committing to being there for
your family.
It's a lack of wanting to makesure that you're doing the right
thing for your family, whetherthat's holding a job, being home
, taking care of the kids likeyou have to take care of the
kids.
And how many times have youheard one of the spouses, or one
of the not even a spouse aperson in your relationship, say
(07:18):
oh, I'm babysitting tonight.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Oh my god, that drives me nuts.
If they're your kids, you cannever babysit.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Right, right, and I've heard an idiot I've heard
people say that I can't tell theother guys I'm I wouldn't know
anything about that, yeah I'mbabysitting the kids tonight
have you ever heard that doctordomain?
Did you use that term?
No, I have no idea what you'retalking about so if some, if one
of your friends called you andsaid, hey, you know, let's go
(07:45):
out and go clubbing, let's sayit was young in your younger
days, cause if you did it nowyou'd just be the old man in the
bar Red flag.
But you know, if somebody calledyou, did you ever say I can't,
I'm babysitting tonight.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
No, no no, no one trusts me with their kids no,
your own kids, oh my goodness oh, I'm babysitting, I'm watching
my own children yes would youcall that babysitting?
Speaker 1 (08:16):
that term.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
I'm babysitting my kids tonight no you've heard
guys say that though yeah, Ihave heard that, yeah, yeah,
with their own kids, with theirown kids With their own kids.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Why would you ever use the term babysitting with
your own kids?
Speaker 3 (08:29):
Not that exact term.
No, I wouldn't say that.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
I've heard that exact term.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
Why yeah, I?
Speaker 2 (08:34):
know, I would say Dr.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Domain say like um, oh sorry, I can't go out.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
I have my kids for the weekend.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Not, I'm babysitting, no.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
I think, in all fairness though that is a common
phrase that we hear from themale population.
I don't mean to pick on themale population, but the male
population does utilize thatterm.
If they are watching their ownkids, they say no, I'm
babysitting the kids tonight.
That is a very, very commonterm that we have heard over the
years and I think every womanout there would agree with that.
And if they don't, well thenthey.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Yeah, no, I've never heard that.
No.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Bobby, you have, oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:17):
When you use the phrase, when you use the word
babysit, it sounds like Likeother people's kids, that's like
an employable role, right?
No kidding, you pay someone towatch your kids.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
God love you.
He's just catching up.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
He's catching up.
You got it.
Speaker 3 (09:31):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
That's what they're saying is they're using the term
as a derogatory for watchingtheir own children?
Caring for their own childrenas I'm babysitting?
Speaker 1 (09:42):
these kids or my kids yeah and women say how are you
babysitting your own kids?
We watch our kids every singleday.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
We don't call it babysitting.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
I've never said I have to babysit my kids.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
You know, I have had to say Well, as adults, you've
had to babysit us, yeah no, asyou have me.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Yes, no, I have had to say you, you know I need to
go find my kids, but that wasonly after a week.
That was yeah well, it took.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
It took a little while to, but no, I mean that is
that is a huge red flag is,like I said, the instability,
the you know, like you said, thebasic lack of commitment to
what they have created, whetherit be children, a family, you
know, a job, house, whatever.
Just the complete lack ofcommitment and instability of it
(10:32):
is just a huge red flag sothat's a big red flag for you oh
, for me no, I thought we weretalking in general, in general,
I guess, okay, in general.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
so another one would be controlling behavior.
You know, if a man or yoursignificant other has a
controlling behavior, now itdoesn't just have to be a man.
I use that term because youknow I'm the female in the
relationship.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
It's the do as I say, not as I do, mentality where I
can go out to the bar and hangwith my friends but you can't
because I don't want you to.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Yeah, or I can come home late with no excuse.
You know or not call, but don'tyou dare do it.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
I cannot call you for a week straight, but don't you
dare not pick up my phone?
Speaker 1 (11:15):
But there's some more things other than that.
I mean, I've seen women in somepretty darn controlling
situations, relationships andand they weren't they weren't
married to these people.
They could have walked away.
You know, you kind of have toask yourself why aren't you?
And psychologically, whathappens is is we get into this
cyclical situation where we wantto get out.
(11:38):
We don't know how to get out,so we stay in the comfort of
what we know, and we know thistype of behavior that's, they
become comfortable.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
That's the better the devil you know than the one you
don't yeah, and so they getfearful of leaving.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
But did you?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
know that even in so there's lots of different forms
of abuse, and that is a huge redflag that I would never put up
with.
But there's like financialabuse, emotional abuse, mental
abuse, physical abuse.
Financial abuse is a huge onefor women, especially because of
the traditional roles that youknow.
Men kind of think that, oh, I'mgoing to go make the money, you
(12:13):
stay home.
Well then they have financialcontrol over that person, and it
takes an average of seven timesfor a woman to leave a
relationship that has some sortof abuse going on, seven times
just because of the control, thepower, everything that's held
over them.
And so I don't I don't blame thepeople who stay, but I do
(12:34):
always question theircircumstances yeah, like
especially if they're given, andout if they're given, and the
most time, the most dangeroustime in a woman's relationship
is when she's planning to leave,because that is the time that
the most violence happens, themost murder happens, things like
that.
And so I can't I can't sit hereand say that I blame people for
(12:55):
being in these relationshipsonce they're in so far.
But it goes back to the redflag thing.
They were there at thebeginning, you chose to ignore
them and now they're an issueright regardless if they hid
them or not.
Right, there were signs right.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
So what do you think about?
And I see a lot of these memesout there where these women are
really kind of gold diggerstrying to get the guys to pay
for you know, um, not only that,dating them, but, hey, I need
you to buy me a car, I need youto pay for my, pay for
everything, pay for my rent, payfor all, all of this.
And what's really?
It's sad.
(13:30):
It really is sad to see so whenyou talk about how somebody has
financial control or financialsuperiority over you, a lot of
people put themselves in thatsituation because they like
being taken care of.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
I would like being taken care of.
But like being taken care of.
But I mean, I think that's suchbullshit, where people are like
oh, you gotta buy my car andyou gotta pay for my nails and
you gotta, you know, pay forthis, and that it's like I don't
get it because I don't need anyof that, like I pay for my own
shit and I still.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
I heard some women talking on a podcast the other
day where they really expectedthese guys to drop some big cash
on them just to take them outthe first time.
I mean big cash like not onlydo you take me to the highest
price restaurant, you better bedriving a bentley or having a
dozen roses, and you better.
Have all that and you better buymy outfit and then you better
(14:23):
take me shopping and then, whenwe're all done, I'll decide
whether I'm going to stay withyou, and I thought, holy crap,
no wonder you get no respect.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Like, take me to taco casa.
We'll sit on the back of thepickup truck, tailgate and
people watch while we eat dinner.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yeah done yeah, I mean I I think that sometimes we
set ourselves up for failurewhen it comes to those sorts of
things.
So controlling behavior is onered flag.
Poor communication is anotherNow with that said, though,
women are just as bad as men.
Women are just as bad as menwhen it comes to poor
(14:58):
communication.
Let's face it Men do notcommunicate like women do.
They do not think like women do.
And we know that our minds aretotally different, and so if you
want to communicate with him,you can either expect him to
conform to how you think goodluck with that or you can
conform to how he thinks and howhe communicates and how he
(15:21):
receives that message.
And that's psychology, 101, 101.
You have to learn what people'sbehaviors are, how they
communicate, how they transmittheir information from what you
say to what they hear, and soyou know, I think that's, that's
a two-way street as far as I'mconcerned.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
But I think poor communication goes way beyond
that.
I think poor communication goeswhere you can communicate to
somebody all day, but unlessthey listen and understand,
what's the good of communication?
You know, I can talk at you allday, but unless you're willing
to understand and actuallylisten to what I'm saying and
make you know if I need changesfrom you, make changes.
(16:00):
What's the point.
Yeah, I mean it's just blah,blah, blah all day.
Now if I tell somebody, hey,this is how I feel, this is what
I need, I need this opencommunication.
I need to hear from you, youknow, once a day saying, hey,
what's up?
And they choose not to havethat communication, even though
(16:20):
you told them, and then get madat you about it.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
That's no no, doesn't that kind of get down to
honesty?
I mean, if you're going to tellme through your communication
that, hey, this is what I wantto do, and I want to do it
because I want our relationshipto last or because I want to be
totally transparent with you, itreally kind of gets down to
honesty it does, because anybodycan say oh yeah, you know, I'll
(16:45):
always tell you the truth orI'll never lie to you.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
And the whole time they're lying out of their damn
ass right, oh my gosh like, andyou don't know it, because how
are you going to prove it unless?
Speaker 1 (16:56):
you look like a psycho and you kind of go why,
why are you lying?
Speaker 2 (17:00):
and yeah, if I asked for it up front.
Just why are you lying?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
what I mean.
Who are you answering to?
That you've got to lie.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
I mean because I tell you I'm not that big of a prize
that you need to be lying to meabout shit.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
I'm not on the top shelf, like I'm just saying is
all.
You are bobby, you are thefirst place participation trophy
.
No, you're not, you're a,you're a big trophy and the
sport doesn't even go with thetrophy so, um, what about
emotional abuse?
(17:33):
You kind of mentioned thatearlier.
Yeah, any kind of abuse, yeahany kind of abuse.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
I don't care if it's.
They start out where it's infun, like poking at you type of
thing, but they know that itbothers you because you've
communicated to them.
Hey, that really bothered mewhat you said tonight.
Yeah, and they continue tothink it's funny, or can any
type of abuse like that that'sthat's abuse and that's
manipulation and I think youhave to be careful with that,
because we'll say that I damagedsome relationships with that.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
I have a very cutting witty tongue.
I'm very fast to think of smartass things to say back, and you
know, I mean I, I this thingruns like there's times I don't
think before I speak and we'reall surprised.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
I'm surprised at what comes out of my mouth.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
I mean my, my mouth runs like a finely tuned Briggs
and Stratton motor, you knowengine.
It's like gosh darn this thingcan go.
It's like gosh darn this thingcan go.
But I have ruined relationshipsor contributed to that.
Where you know, you start outkind of just bantering with
somebody Right, and it's allfunny and it's kind of fun, and
(18:36):
you think, oh, we love to banterBecause Dr Domain and I banter
back and forth too.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
And I think that that's healthy.
I do too, but we've talkedabout this we've talked about.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Don't cross that line .
Right, let's not cross thatline because I, unfortunately,
and in past relationships thepeople I've been with, have
crossed that line but did theymake that line known to you
before you crossed it?
Um, I think you should.
We should have known.
I think they were prettyobvious with how okay, they
entered, so they didn't make it.
It got to a point where we wereinsulting, or we were, and you
(19:09):
know you think it's funny, butit's not funny to them,
especially when you're doing itin front of other people and
it's hurtful to them and so youknow you, that can be kind of an
emotional abuse also yeah, and,like I said, any kind of abuse
off the table period.
So let me ask you this.
I mean, we will all agree thata man should never strike a
(19:31):
woman, never, never.
Well, self-defense, okay, yeah,if a woman, what about woman
striking a man?
Never should happen.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Never should happen, unless it's in self-defense,
exactly.
Keep your damn hands toyourself.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Exactly, exactly.
I don't care who it is, youhave no right to lay hands on
anybody.
If you are a woman and you layhands on a man, all bets are off
as far as I'm concerned.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
And don't come running to me going.
That's a man.
He should have never hit awoman, under any circumstances.
She should have never, everraised a hand to him.
No, not.
And I agree with you.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
If it's self-defense, hey, all bets right you know,
hands are rated e for everybody.
Yeah, I'll take, I'll take youout, but if it's not and you
just feel like you want to slapthem, you want to punch them
yeah you want to hit them withsomething yeah, just turn around
, walk away, just leaveliterally get your shit and
(20:31):
leave if it's to that point,because it's never going to get
better than you know, it's nevergoing to get better if that's
the mentality that you have,that you think that you put your
hands on somebody just becausethey made you mad so what do you
think about that, dr DomanDoman, doman, doman.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
Doman, doman from a man's perspective.
Do you think that if a womanslaps a man, that he has a right
to slap her back?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Or stabs a man.
Yeah, it'd have to be prettyextreme.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
Even if I got hit I'd restrain myself.
But there's a lot of boys outthere.
I'll call them boys that youhear of incidents where they'll
raise a hand first.
Yeah, they deserve an asswhooping.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
That man boy does.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
There's no excuse for that.
I don't care how abusive, howloud or boisterous or that woman
is, you don't do that.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
I guess I you know.
Like I said, if a woman goesafter a man and attacks him, she
needs to be taken out behindthe bar.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
He has every right to defend himself.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
Yeah, I agree with that Do I take?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
him out behind the bar and hurt her.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
No, probably not, but one or two good hits would
probably calm her ass down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
And so you know, depends on the situation we may
differ from some of ourlisteners in this respect and
and if we do, we'd sure like tohear from you, um, because I
feel like, uh, it's, it's ahuman issue, not a male female
issue, right?
I think that it's a human issue, not a male-female issue, right
?
I think that it's a respect forhuman beings, I think it's a
respect for their personal spaceand I don't think you ever have
(22:14):
a right to do that to someone.
And, like Bobby said, if it'sself-defense, I'm coming after
you.
You know.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
So let's talk personally.
What's a deal breaker?
Speaker 1 (22:29):
for you.
You know, I would like to sayone of the what do you think is
the top deal breaker?
That for you?
Speaker 2 (22:35):
no, I'm talking for us.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
Let's get personal he's talking about you, not what
you're reading for me doublesdeep, let's do it okay for me, I
would say dishonest okay.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Does that encompass like so dishonesty lies that
would include like cheatingthings like that I would say
infidelity, you know, becauseinfidelity and that's where I
was headed with that is thenumber one reason.
Speaker 3 (22:57):
A relationship breakdown, um any type of
addiction is number two butgoing back to that, I mean
infidelity and dishonesty aremutually exclusive right you
would hope that if someone'sgonna cheat on you, that they're
gonna be honest about it, butusually that doesn't go hand in
hand no, well right, that's whyit's called cheating instead of
(23:20):
the double whammy right, yeah,it's lying.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
But well, there's lying and there's cheating, and
there's well but it's differentit wouldn't be cheating if they
weren't lying about it.
Yeah, so if they were beingupfront and honest about it,
saying hey, I'm gonna go sleepwith this girl, then that's more
of a polyamory type thing,because they're being honest
about it.
So if they're cheating, it'sliterally they're lying about it
(23:45):
I, I agree.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
So I kind of grabbed the whole thing and said honesty
, you know, if you want to go bewith somebody else, just tell
me, yeah, just go, just tell meand then, and then I can make a
decision to leave right now, ifI make the decision to stay,
then that's on me.
That's on me, yeah, right.
But if you tell me and I Idecide to go, now the decisions,
(24:09):
now the ball's in my court,right, okay?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
honestly, if you actually say that you care about
somebody, honesty should benumber one, because if you don't
give me the opportunity to dowhat I'm going to do with that
information, then you reallydon't care about me.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Right.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
If you're not going to be honest with me and say,
hey, you know it's this, thisand this, and I just want to be
upfront about it.
You really don't care about me,because I can take that
information and I can use it howI see fit, because it's my life
.
You know whether I go, whetherI go, whether I stay, whether we
talk it out, whatever you haverobbed me of that decision in my
(24:48):
life, which?
Is a huge decision, which meansyou don't care about me.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Totally agree, because I think I should be able
to make that decision on my ownbehalf.
Yeah, and the thing is is, if Idon't get the opportunity to
make that decision now, mysafety is at stake.
Correct, Correct, correct, andthat's that's a big deal.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
It's to the point where they're using you.
They they know what they'redoing and they really don't care
about you if that's whatthey're doing.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
Yeah, I mean, if you think about Heinrich's
psychological pyramid you knowuh.
Safety is your number onefactor right.
And so you want to protectyourself.
And if somebody says, hey, youknow I'm, I want to be with
somebody else, Okay, let me makethe decision on what I'm going
to do with me.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
Yeah.
So, do you have any more dealbreakers?
Speaker 1 (25:37):
I would say you know what that leads to, obviously.
But if somebody's totallydishonest with me, if somebody
said, hey, I'm going to thestore and they don't go to the
store, that's one thing, right.
I think there's some severityhere.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
If somebody said, but why are they lying about going
to the store, if that's right?
Speaker 3 (25:56):
stupid little thing to lie about, then obviously
they're gonna lie about big shitmaybe they're getting them a
gift maybe they were.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Yeah, no, I think that there's a little bit of
condition there, and I I agreewith what you're saying, because
if you're gonna lie to me aboutthe little stuff, the big stuff
isn't gonna be that big of aright.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
It's almost like practice lying to you about the
little stuff if I can hide that,think of what else I can hide
from her and um.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
So yeah, I I think the honesty thing is really kind
of the big deal.
That is all encompassing for me.
Okay, if I ask you who were youtalking to and you tell me it
was bob, and it wasn't, it wasbarbara, and you know you were
making plans for friday night,you know that.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Now you're into other issues, so your major one is
dishonesty that you wouldn't beable to.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Yeah, okay, what's yours?
Speaker 2 (26:49):
that's a tough one, because I want to say both
breathe hard.
Well, I want to say cheating,but honestly it's.
It's not just lying, but it'slies by omission.
Lies by omission, I guess liesperiod.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
But lies by omission just make me want to choke the
person that's part of honesty,like why yeah, but like, why I?
Speaker 2 (27:12):
why did you leave that part of the story out?
Why did you just not sayanything?
Why did you avoid it when Iasked you?
Why did you like?
Why lie?
Like I said I'm, I'm aparticipation trophy at best.
Yeah, I got a great heart andI'm a good person, but why would
you lie to me?
Speaker 1 (27:28):
you.
You know what.
You belittle yourself, bobby,and you shouldn't do that,
because I'm a little shiny, I'mjust at the wrong sport.
Well, you know, you may not bethe sharpest tack in the box,
but you do try to be theshiniest.
Um you, you're.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
You're better than that, so stop it okay, look, I'm
like oh for nine forrelationships in my life so well
you're the swing, and thepicker's been broke too.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
You know what I've?
Speaker 2 (27:50):
been moved from even the minor leagues.
I'm down in like triple a atthis stop it.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
Stop it.
You don't have to be, you knowit it is.
Speaker 2 (27:58):
I don't, because I'm yeah done, cut it off what about
you dr domain?
Speaker 1 (28:04):
I mean, what's your total deal breaker?
Speaker 3 (28:07):
so not a red flag, a deal breaker a deal breaker.
So not a red flag, a dealbreaker.
A deal breaker yeah, I'm notgoing to say anything that's new
, probably infidelity,dishonesty, those kinds of
things.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Okay, but it leads to .
Speaker 3 (28:23):
I mean it could be really powerful.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
The dishonesty part to the point where it gets
rationalized and they makeexcuses.
And sure um makes you feel likeyou're crazy yeah, I
experienced that firsthand.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
There's a condition I wasn't aware of it, but I
learned about and I studied alot during my experience and
it's called limerence and it'swhere that person becomes not
loving of another person but,you know, uh, infatuated.
It's where that person becomesnot loving of another person but
, you know, infatuated.
It's more that Like a lustful.
It's not necessarily a mentaldisorder, like you know other
things, but it probably could bea mental disorder.
(29:01):
But they rewrite history and Ihad some really weird examples
of that and, you know, with theperson you've been with for
decades you're like, yeah,that's totally different now.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:11):
Yeah, it was, it was, it was a very unique experience
, and but they become socompelled and they become so
obsessed with the fact thatthey're engaged with that other
person that they rewrite historyand they totally make things up
and they believe it, my kids dothat, they make it up, I mean,
and they totally but they, theybelieve it, my kids do that,
(29:31):
they make it up, I mean and theytotally believe it.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
They will lie.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
They'll lie to their own children.
Oh, I know, and it's sad.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
The thing is, they get to a point where they
believe their own lies.
Speaker 3 (29:44):
The hardest part was hearing the lie.
To me that's different then.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
But once you lie to the children, that, just like
that, takes it to a wholedifferent level yeah, but I
always thought, okay, so, andI'm not just shush over there
because I ain't coming after you.
But growing up in a divorcedhome, the number one thing that
I noticed that both parents didwas lie to the kids.
I mean, they always lied to thekids everything's fine, we're
(30:12):
going to be happier.
You know, you're not going tohave to do this, you'll have two
christmases, it'll be great.
You know, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Everything was lies to the kids when I did nice and
sit down, shut up and no onelikes you anyway, again, I'm
undiagnosed for a reason.
Speaker 3 (30:32):
Jesus, I'm kidding, but you don't need to divulge
every level of detail.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
No, but I think that Bobby has a good point and you
and I talked about that too, DrDomain is when your kids hit a
certain age, acting like somehowthey're still living in Never,
never land or in some pipe dreamis not good for those kids.
Speaker 3 (30:54):
They have to start it's being able to the age is
six yeah, but you don't, youdon't unload on I'm not saying
about unloading.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
No, you don't, you don't unload on them by any
means, and you don't need totell them all the details but, I
think you do have to be honestin some respects.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
So one of the other things, and but it's, but I
wouldn't, I wouldn't go.
So I wouldn't go so far.
I wouldn't give them all thedetail and I think we agree with
that yeah because it reallyyou're talking about their other
parent, right?
Yeah, the child's parent.
Yeah, I'd never be demeaning ordisrespectful to the other
person, despite how they mighthave done that to me I wouldn't
(31:36):
reciprocate that especially tothe children well, I did um, I
was gonna say oh, man, it was uh, I did.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
It was a shit show.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Let me tell you the first one after that no, well,
yeah, because you only had kidswith the first one, right?
So I mean it was, and we wereyoung.
Well, I was young and you knowit's funny.
You say that because me and mysister we were savage.
I mean, we were savage and Ithink I don't know if add
genetics, whatever, but you know, my sister and I we used to
fight when we were little and Iwould look at her and say, well,
(32:07):
you're the only reason myparents got married.
And she goes, yeah, well,you're the only reason my
parents got married.
And she goes, yeah, well,you're the only reason my
parents got divorced savage,savage.
That's really hurtful rightthere, we laughed about it.
We still laugh about it, okay,well, that might be part of your
trauma makes us funnier.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
And then you wonder why you're zero for nine.
Listen, just saying one daysomeone will love me you know
what, bobby?
There's a lot of people wholove you, so stop it.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
Not like that.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
Well, that person just hasn't, you know, reared
their ugly head yet.
Jesus Almost choked, theyhaven't stepped into the circus
ring.
Bless your heart.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
Dr Domain, because I'm telling you I'd have drowned
her by now so one of the otherthings you know I mentioned was
addiction.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
That's tough on everybody, yep and uh, you know,
and it's not just drugs we'retalking, you know, pornography
addiction, gambling addiction,things like that I've mentioned
before.
You know that I I have a degreein social science and studied
psychology.
You have mentioned that.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
How many times Like six?
Speaker 1 (33:14):
And I don't remember anything as it relates to it,
but we all have some sort ofaddiction.
Yeah, we have some sort ofaddictive behavior, whether it's
eating, whether it's lying,whether it's drinking, whether
it's drugs, whether it's youknow.
Social media personality Nowwhat changes for everybody is
when our coping skills kick in.
(33:36):
What level do our coping skillskick in?
Some are very low, some arevery high, and so some people
never, you know see that anotherperson's addictions because
they don't hit that thatthreshold and um, but addictions
are very tough't hit that thatthreshold and um, but addictions
are very tough.
And I personally and people aregoing to disagree with me on
(33:57):
this one, and and so be it lordyeah, this will be a tough one.
A lot of things that areconsidered addictions or
illnesses or diseases.
I'd be honest with you, folksthey're not diseases.
Those are choices.
You know, let's quit callingthem diseases when they are
choices.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
Okay, I'm going to call you out on that.
So, I believe in the beginningit's mostly a choice.
I have known people that havebeen forced to take very
addictive drugs like heroin andthings like that, like
forcefully injected.
I think that at first it can bea choice, but after that, the
way that it alters your body andbrain chemistry, I believe that
(34:35):
it does and can turn into adisease, like an actual legit
brain eating.
You have less gray matter thanyou should disease.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
I think it becomes an addiction.
I do not believe it becomes adisease.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Oh, we'll differ on that.
Yeah, we'll differ on that.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
And then you know, the other thing is a significant
misalignment of values.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Oh, yeah, yeah, Even before you get married, people
are not having sitting down,having conversations other than
do you want kids?
Yeah, I want kids.
Oh my God, I do too.
You're not talking aboutreligious upbringing.
You're not talking aboutschooling.
You're not talking about thingslike sports and family.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
How are we?
Speaker 2 (35:17):
going to fight, right ?
How are we going to raise ourkids?
What's it going to look likewhen we fight?
Speaker 1 (35:21):
I agree when the kids you know when we have a
disagreement with the kids andthey don't sit down and have
these conversations.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
No, they don't they.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
Are we going to have these conversations?
No, they don't.
They're too busy, worried about, you know, having a 50 to a
hundred thousand dollar weddingand where they're going to go on
their honeymoon, as opposed tohow are we going to handle our
finances Right?
Who's going to work Right?
What difference does it make?
Speaker 2 (35:43):
What if we have a medically fragile child who's
going to stay home?
How are we?
How would we face this?
What if I become medicallyfragile?
Speaker 1 (35:51):
yeah, yeah, what if that?
And now you're my caretaker,yeah, you know.
Yeah, I think a lot of thosethings do not get discussed.
Religion, you know, dr domain,and I have talked about that
before.
You know, would we be withsomeone who was a satanist or
someone who is an atheist?
The answer is no, right, Idon't care.
You know, they can be as niceas pie, they can work at the
(36:13):
soup kitchen, they can dowhatever, but your religious?
Speaker 2 (36:16):
views have to align, absolutely yeah.
And so there's a lot associatedwith that and people think they
can just work through this,like oh, we'll burn that bridge
when we get to it, type of thing, and it's like like no, the
bridge is here and now.
Because this should bediscussed, this should be talked
about, a plan should be inplace before you two ever think
(36:38):
of continuing your livestogether because a lot of things
come into that.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
You know, jealousy um , we didn't even talk about that
.
Anger management how do youhandle your?
You know I, I have a bad temper, there's no doubt about that.
I wonder where I got that from.
Yeah, you know I, I have a badtemper, there's no doubt about
that I wonder where I got thatfrom.
And you know, the thing is is,when I was younger it was really
bad.
Yeah, it was, and you know,I've learned to control it now
and and a lot of it is.
You know, if I don't have a dogin the fight, I'm not getting
(37:05):
into it, but before I would, Iwould go to every fight I was
invited to.
Yeah, and I didn't even have tobe invited, but there's just,
you know, so many other thingsthat come into this.
You know what is gaslightingand we've all done it.
Let's not act like we haven't.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
I gaslight myself every day Like that's the only
way I can get up, get out of bedand go through my day.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
I gaslight the shit out of myself but when there's
infidelity and dishonesty, youknow, manipulating someone to
doubt their own sanity, it'scrazy, pretty common.
It's a sociopathic trait?
Oh, absolutely, absolutely itis.
And so then you know when Iwant to go back here to the
infidelity part, because,because you're stuck on it,
(37:48):
because you brought it up andasked me, you know, and the fact
is is I have been in thatsituation with one of my
divorces.
Yeah, I'm just going to sharethis.
I don't think I've shared thiswith a lot of people, but I'm
going to because I want peopleto think about this and I want
our listeners to think aboutthis.
In case you're going through it.
I went through it, caught himin a situation.
(38:10):
I'm a pretty strong woman.
(38:33):
There's no doubt about it.
It isn't about how strong youyou're perceived by society,
what kind of job you have, howmuch money you make.
It has nothing to do with anyof that, because people will go
oh, but you're so strong, youknow, you're so courageous,
you're so brave, you're so brave, yeah, yeah, it has nothing to
do with that.
So I caught him in a situationand I made the decision to stay
and go through counseling yeah,worst decision of my entire life
.
And let me tell you why.
I stayed for five years beforeI found out he was doing it
again.
So let me tell you why that wasa bad decision for me.
(38:54):
Because when somebody cheats onyou, when somebody lies to you,
when somebody is dishonest andthey have lost your loyalty, now
I'm a firm believer that youhave to be trustworthy in order
to gain trust, yeah, so you haveto display those
characteristics.
If you want thosecharacteristics in another
(39:15):
person, you'd better have themyourself, right?
And so you have to be totallytrustworthy, and I chose to stay
for five years before I foundout that he was doing it again.
That five years was the mostmiserable time period I had ever
had.
Every single day I woke upregretting my decision, even
though I had gone thinking Iwant to save this marriage, I
(39:38):
want to go through counseling,and I had to ask myself at some
point you know, do you want tobe an investigator in your own
relationship?
Speaker 2 (39:48):
Do you want to have to do that?
Speaker 1 (39:49):
Because every single time he got a call, I'd think is
that a woman?
Yep, every time he got a text,I think, is that another woman?
Yep every single time he waslate yep, is he with another
woman?
Where is he?
Yep, every time he'd come homelate and he'd say oh yeah, you
know I got a flat tire orwhatever.
I think did you really Right.
(40:10):
Every time he told me a story.
Every time something came up Iwas questioning my sanity.
It is the life of misery, yeah,and so you have to ask yourself
do you want to be aninvestigator in your own
relationship?
And I chose to be for fiveyears until I found out that it
(40:33):
was happening again, and then Ileft permanently.
But you know, I want you to askyourself now.
I am not advocating divorce.
I want people to stay together.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
I definitely if it's that bad, go for it.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
I mean, but you know what, don't get married.
But don't get married if youthink you're going to get a
divorce well, why would you getmarried thinking you're going to
get a divorce?
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Some?
Speaker 1 (40:54):
people do, Some people think ah, if this don't
work out, I'll just get adivorce.
It's not that big a deal yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
What's the divorce rate in the United States, Bobby
so right now, as of I guessit's 2024, the divorce rate is
still between 40 to 50 percentfor their first marriages, holy
cow for their first marriage.
I got that one out of the waywhat about the second marriage?
I don't know.
(41:20):
See you asked me this earlier.
I have no idea.
That's high, no idea that'shigh.
Speaker 1 (41:25):
That tells me that people are entering into a
marriage not thinking througheverything and thinking, if all
else fails, I can get a divorce.
Speaker 2 (41:33):
Well, I mean 75% of respondents, when they asked why
they were getting divorced,cited a lack of commitment as
the leading cause of divorce.
So I'm assuming that that wouldencompass like emotional
withdrawal, avoidingconversations, lack of goals,
you know, like we talked about,you don't have your shit
together and in line for whatyour future looks like, and so
(41:55):
you're going to find about it.
Speaker 1 (41:56):
What are you talking about while you're dating for
those, however many years?
And you should date for many,many years before you ever get
married?
Because, let's face it, thinkabout all these people who have
been married for 20 years andthey find out that she's got
another home on the other side,or that he's the green river
killer yeah, or something typeof shit that would be kind of.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
I mean, if you're going to find out something that
would be kind of that would bea weird show right there.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
I could be on dateline.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Oh my god, I would fangirl out over that.
I'd be like, oh my god, I'm on.
Snapped y'all watch me.
Speaker 1 (42:31):
Well, um, I want people to think about this and
think about what we talked about, because you know, if you're in
a relationship, cut them someslack, man, and you know,
communicate well and understandhow they communicate and they're
not.
You know, we we talked about itbefore on how men communicate,
as it relates to how womencommunicate Not.
Speaker 2 (42:51):
you know, we talked about your son, right, you know,
not looking him straight in theeye, because men don't like
that, and yeah, I, and honestly,the only thing I have left to
say is look, if you're going tobe abusive, if you're going to
cheat, if you're going to lie tosomebody, just freaking, leave,
stay to yourself just leave, gofind some other idiot to deal
(43:12):
with.
that actually likes being liedto or something.
But you know there's people outhere that are honest,
trustworthy people, who havegood hearts.
That you are just playing andscrewing for the next person,
yeah, and I'm over it.
Speaker 1 (43:26):
Stay home If you can find a mate that you know loves
you and supports you and youknow loves you and supports you
and you know is there for youand one day one day I got better
luck of finding leprechaun orgold in a leprechaun's ass than
I've got that, but okay, you'rewhat I said.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
I've got better luck finding gold in a leprechaun's
ass than I've got are.
Speaker 3 (43:50):
Are you?
Speaker 2 (43:51):
digging for gold.
I mean, I might as well be ifI'm digging for a relationship.
Anyways, I think that that isall the insanity that we have
for today.
We appreciate you joining ushere at the Rabbit Hole Studio.
Be sure to follow us.
We look forward to spendingtime with you each and every
week.
Please like us and if you havepositive feedback for us or if
(44:13):
there's a topic you'd like totalk about, drop us a short
email at boomerangenxr atgmailcom.
If you have hate mail, well,you can throw that right in the
garbage with my ex.
So until next week, I'm BobbiJoy and I'm Jane Burt and you're
stuck with us Peace out Later.
Bobby Joy and I'm Jane Burt andyou're stuck with us.
(44:37):
Peace out Later.
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