On episode 43 of A Chat with Uma, you have me for a solo episode where I share a huge life update that I'm living through in real time: after two solid years of showing me that recovery is actually possible, my therapist is moving across the world. Cue the whiplash of shock, grief, fear, and every intrusive “I-told-you-so” thought my OCD could cook up. In this episode, I walk you through the journey to and through here:
- the graveyard of 22 misdiagnoses and sketchy therapists that led me here
- the two-year miracle run that dragged my OCD from extreme to moderate, and finally let me do PTSD treatment for the first time
- the absolute terror of starting over when your brain insists your healing is completely dependent on one person
- plus the messy, beautiful chance to practice everything I preach about uncertainty, self-trust, and living in the gray area.
If you’ve ever lost a clinician, feared your progress would vanish, or just need someone to hold the gray with you—you're not alone. I’m processing this in real time, and so grateful to move through this with you.
Topics Discussed (+ Timestamps):
(00:00:00) Welcome to today's solo episode and why I'm sharing this today, in the midst of it all unfolding
Contextual episodes:
- 01. My Full Story: 0 to 26
- 02-05. My Mental Health Journey: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5
- 06. Yes, I've Done Psychedelics: From Psychonaut to Researcher: Pt 1, Part 2
- 07-08. The Ketamine Diaries - OCD, PTSD, Depression, & Chronic Pain: Part. 1, Part 2
(00:11:08) Well... my therapist is moving overseas.
(00:15:45) The past that led me here: 22 ineffectual clinicians, past abusive therapy, and insurance purgatory
(00:22:10) Finding the clinician in Wisconsin & betting my last hope on her
(00:28:05) Progress report: moderate Y-BOCS (!!), but back-door spikes are real
(00:31:40) First sustained PTSD written exposures—childhood SA target, SUDS going down for the first time!
(00:34:25) Why losing this therapist feels like losing gravity
(00:42:50) Letting myself grieve this therapeutic relationship (permission granted)
(00:55:30) Transition plan: new ERP clinician (who mentored my current one!) + somatic work
(01:02:00) Exposure inside the exposure: trusting that this safe experience taught me what to look for in the future
(01:06:40) The transition countdown, practicing radical acceptance, holding the both-and, living in the gray area
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