June 13, 2025 • 40 mins
The weight of trauma is perhaps best explained through a powerful metaphor: imagine holding a paper coffee cup. For a minute, it's nothing—lightweight, manageable. After an hour, it feels heavier. After days without putting it down, your muscles lock in place, exhausted from carrying something that initially seemed insignificant. This is precisely how trauma, fear, and resentment function in our lives.
June marks PTSD Awareness Month, and we're unveiling our new online academy featuring courses specifically designed for trauma survivors, veterans, domestic violence survivors, and others on healing journeys. Some courses are free; others cost less than a cup of coffee. We've created these resources because we understand the journey firsthand.
For military veterans and law enforcement officers, PTSD might mean waking in the night, reacting to shadows that aren't there—a brain still on high alert. For survivors of domestic violence, it might manifest as body dysphoria—hiding behind baggy clothes, avoiding mirrors, seeing a distorted reflection that others don't see. These aren't weaknesses; they're normal responses to abnormal situations.
The statistics are sobering. According to Veterans Affairs, one in three women and one in fifty men have experienced military sexual trauma. Meanwhile, one in four women experiences some form of abuse. Behind each statistic is a person carrying that invisible weight, growing heavier by the day.
Recovery means finding safe people and places where you can occasionally set down that metaphorical cup. Every scar represents not how many times someone tried to break you, but how many times they failed. You survived 100% of your worst days, even when you thought dying would hurt less than living.
Visit our website and check out the Academy section to explore our courses. If you can't afford them, reach out for a scholarship—there's no judgment. Because everyone deserves access to healing resources, regardless of their circumstances.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
howdy y'all welcome another episode of today's.
A smile unstoppable withvictoria, the sexy redheaded
vixen, over here, whatever, andthen just the old rednecks,
michael, hi baby howdy, how areyou?
I'm full uh can I say,firehouse subs we already said,
(00:23):
firehouse Sub.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Well, there you go.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Shameless plug for Firehouse Sub.
Y'all get that brisket.
That, what that brisket.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
I have to tell you, people are telling me I'm
getting a little country.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
You are country.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
No, I used to talk like this.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
No, that's got to go.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
No, and you'd always say get back down south.
That's right, Because out,Because I'd say go upstairs.
What are you talking about?
Let's have some coffee.
And you have turned me into alittle southern boo.
It's like a little bit.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Well, you did wear some overalls last week.
I did.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
It's called a rumper.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
A rumper, a rumper.
I thought that's what you do.
That's dumper.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
It's like wrestling.
It's like what Wrestling?
What the hell is a wrestling?
Speaker 1 (01:04):
You know the men in the Speedos in the ring.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
The stuff that's fake it ain't fake.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
How dare you blaspheme against WWE WWF?
It is fake.
There's nothing fake about HulkHogan.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Whatever, they're all fake throwing chairs and stuff.
So a lot of people are learningthat we are not playing on our
phone while we're podcasting.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
I do.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
I'm very busy.
What?
And that we are launching ouracademy and a few people are
starting to take notice.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
I would say more than a few.
What do you mean?
Well, you have we, you, we havebeen awarded.
I can't even, I've lost count.
At least eight different awardsor nominees.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
You've got so many dang invitations on these awards
?
No, we won all of them, so I'velost know.
You've got so many invitationon these awards?
No, we won all of them, so I'velost count.
Okay, you and your doctorates?
I've lost count.
How many doctorates do you have, whatever?
So here I'm looking at oneInsider Weekly 2025 Review of
(02:26):
the Year Awards A ContagiousSmile.
Best of Transformative Trauma.
Advocacy for Domestic Violenceyeah, so that award goes to Us.
Thank you for getting it rightand thank y'all for you know.
Y'all made this possible.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
Absolutely, and that's just one of them.
I know she's.
The wife has been featured inseveral magazines Women's Week,
absolutely, absolutely, andthat's just one of them.
I know she's.
The wife has been featured inseveral magazines.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Women's.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Week Newspaper lately .
Speaker 2 (02:51):
International Business Journal.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
What's that other one ?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Which one.
That hasn't come out yet Not yet.
But I'm being interviewed forWomen on a Mission and Creative
Entrepreneur Voices andPodcasting yet.
But I'm being interviewed forwomen on a mission and creative
uh, some kind of entrepreneurvoices and podcasting and I'm
trying to think but it's allbecause of all of the wonderful
people we're getting to workwith that makes such a
(03:18):
difference.
And june is ptsd month, whichis awful that anybody has to
endure ptsd because it's.
It's not a easy walk.
That is for sure to go through.
And I watch.
I already know what myhusband's going to say because
we finish each other's sentences.
Even at firehouse we're likekidding around, and he does this
thing with his hand, you see,and then all of a sudden he
(03:39):
shoots me a bird.
Well, that ended up going likein a mirror effect tonight.
Like we always do that to eachother.
We can finish each other'ssentences, we can do all sorts
of fun, crazy things that justsolidify our unity.
Oh, pumpkin Very points, maybe.
So, anyway, we're talking aboutthe whole PTSD thing and I know
(04:03):
what he's going to say.
Just wait for it.
So I created a class today onPTSD and it is free.
In our academy we have a bunchof free mini courses and then we
have very low cost courses, andI've researched in a lot of the
courses that contain thecontent that we have are
(04:25):
anywhere from like forty nine tothree, ninety nine.
Yeah, they're all over theplace, but for the most part, I
would say most of them are four,ninety nine, four dollars and
ninety nine cents.
There is many, many free.
There are some, I think, thatare as much as twelve, ninety,
nine, some, not many, which isnothing, which is nothing.
(04:46):
And then, if you want to learnhow we have gained all of you
amazing people, I have taughthow we've done it because I
haven't had a marketing team, Ihaven't had a group of people
helping me promote, I've donethis and so I'm teaching classes
and we've seen classes.
It's outrageous.
I was like maybe I need my eyeschecked again 800 plus thousands
(05:06):
, thousands of dollars, and itbasically no offense to them.
But it's kind of a more mundanecourse where it's just kind of
like I don't know how you woulddescribe it it's like, okay,
here we are at the next and Imean you've taken classes I've
taught.
When you're in law enforcement,you have to be more energetic
and outgoing and you have to,like you know, bring life into
(05:30):
your course, no matter what thetrauma is or what the the course
is about, because you have tokeep it where people want, to
keep their attention to that solet me pause right there.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Let me read a comment from one of the recent
subscribers.
Oh, don't say name, I didn'tOkay, they signed up for one of
the courses in our Stucco Squad.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
We love Stucco Squad.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
And this is what they had to say After I asked them
welcome, and did you take thecourse Already?
Knowing the answer that theydid?
Yes, my son loved it and wantsto do another.
Thanks for what you guys do.
I love the show, by the way,rolling on the floor laughing my
ass off.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Okay, I didn't know what that whole thing was.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
But you know that's so nice to hear that.
You know somebody took thecourse and they enjoyed it and
their, their son enjoyed it ortheir daughter enjoyed it, and
and the fact that they want moreand they're all humorous the
dog classes, the snooker squad.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
They help your little one realize how amazing they
are really.
Let them see the star that theyare.
We really make sure that theyreally see that, no matter what
the condition is, no matter whatthe circumstances are, we're
going to make sure they see thatthey're amazing.
And you know, I see people allthe time.
People stare at me everywhere Igo.
It's because you're gorgeous?
(07:01):
No, it's because I'm completelyscarred, from one side to the
other and my entire.
I look like you got sexy scars Ilook like I am a walking
toolbox with a dinner, because Ihave a dinner, I have a plate
and I have some screws and somepins and I have a lot of wire
with the whole screw and hammerand nail and moving forward.
(07:23):
Anyway, so I have lots of scars.
I get stared at more by adultsthan kids.
Kids think it's cool because Idon't want them to be scared and
I'll be like oh, I'm CaptainHulk's sister and so they think
that's really cute.
And I'll never forget when wewere in a store and this cute
little three or four year oldlittle girl was like what
happened.
And I said year old little girlwas like what happened.
And I said I lost my arm.
And she said mom, I'm going tohelp this nice lady find her arm
(07:46):
.
And I said if you could find myarm in the store, I'll buy you
everything in it.
Um which, thank God my armwasn't in it Cause I wouldn't
have been able to.
But anyway, I get stared at allthe time and if anybody and
this isn't me, my husband willtell you this is not me being
pity party for myself.
If anybody has a reason toreally hate life, I would safely
(08:07):
say that that would be me,because I've had well over a
hundred surgeries.
I have death, I have hearingaids.
We just got really bad news,not even a week ago.
That makes that even worse, ifpossible.
I've been even diagnosed withCRPS, which is complex, complex
regional pain syndrome.
I've been told that the morehearing impaired and deaf that I
(08:30):
get, my speech will changebecause I won't be able to
continue to hear the foundationof the words which I'm seeing.
I don't know if my husband'spicked it up yet because he'll
say what did you just say?
Because if you ever listened tolike Marlee Matlin, who is deaf
and she was on Dancing with theStars, I love her, but her talk
is very different, herarticulation is very different
(08:51):
and a lot of people who arehearing impaired, you know, and
I'm like 98 percent and one and80 something and the other um,
without my hearing aids, andpretty soon that's going to
change radically.
And then, like you know, I havelike I literally in the morning
have to get up and be like youknow, some people get out of bed
and put their feet on the floorand go get a cup of joe, and
you know I have to like unplugand plug in, and you know it
(09:16):
takes me forever because I needmy own USB strip to plug up my,
my, my lifeline, literally, youknow, to be able to function on
a daily basis.
And then I have to charge up atnight and let me tell you, some
of the charging isn't aspleasant as some people might
think.
So it's a lot.
And you know, if you don't findthe silver lining around all of
(09:38):
it, then you absolutely wouldbe the most depressed, hateful
person in the world.
You really would, and I alwayshave to be the one who brings
laughter and jokes about it.
But there's a few things thatare for sure.
When you're a redhead which Iam, and you go into surgery for
the few times that I have hadanesthetic, I refuse to take any
(09:58):
pain medication after.
And even my husband's likewould you please, nope, not
doing it.
Even after amputation, my wholeface being replaced with metal
and stuff I still wouldn't do it.
And the thing is, is that it istrue this is a fact that when
you go for surgery, it takesmore anesthetic to put a redhead
under than normal blondes,brunettes, anything like that,
(10:24):
and it's because we have ahigher pain tolerance.
Right.
It's also harder to put someonewho has PTSD under which I
thought, okay, that's kind ofunusual.
But to this day, which is almosttwo decades later, my husband
is the only person who can touchmy throat the only one, because
it's one of my last stillhanging on unfortunate triggers
(10:47):
and I had to have cellularcellular blocks done, stellar
gate block see stellar gateblocks done, and it's done
through the neck.
Well, I've had the same surgeonwho's probably, when it comes
to those done.
I don't know how many surgeriesdid you say he's done, at least
when it comes to those done.
I don't know how many surgeriesdid you say he's done, at least
maybe close to a dozen and ahalf, two dozen surgeries.
(11:08):
And he can't come near mythroat and it's just a trigger.
Even when I'm, if I'm eventwilighted, I can't have anybody
near my throat, and so that isa legitimate PTSD symptom.
And for those of you that havenot had or gone through anything
that's caused PTSD drama, youcan't imagine what this is like
(11:32):
to go through it.
I mean, you think thateverything is fine one minute
and the next minute somethinghappens and you're completely
scared to death.
A lot of our vets have PTSD.
A lot of law enforcement havePTSD.
99.999% of every beautifulhuman being I've ever talked
(11:52):
with or had the pleasure ofworking with that had,
unfortunately, met with mebecause of abuse.
They all have PTSD and it's areally hard PTSD and it's a
really hard, hard thing to livewith and a lot of people who
(12:12):
don't understand it.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
don't get it.
I mean, as a man, what is itlike to have PTSD?
So, as you know, I was in theAir Force and then I did 13 and
a half years in law enforcementand all that, uh, in law
enforcement I was on the road asa police officer, I was a
private detective, I was insidethe jail for four and a half
years as a sheriff's deputy andthen I was a canine officer and
(12:35):
you, and in any of those uhdepartments, you are always on
high alert, high alert, you'reon pins and needles.
You, you're watching your back.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
It's like a special needs parent.
Sorry, I didn't mean tointerrupt you.
Yeah, yeah, because when Faithwas little, like, you come in on
that high.
And it's not a high you want tobe, it's adrenaline where
you're like, okay, what's goingto happen?
I've got to be ready at anymoment because you don't know
what's coming.
And it happened like that daybecause she would have a seizure
, she would pull out hertracheostomy, she'd pull out her
(13:03):
feeding tube.
You know, and it's the samething.
I didn't mean to interrupt you.
Please go ahead.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
And it happens in a blink of an eye, Absolutely.
You turn your back for a second.
Oh, I'm just going to put thisdown in the bathroom.
And in that time frame, youknow it hits the fan you get an
occlusion.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
You ended up coding and and it's like a domino
effect, you know, like if shegot an occlusion in her trach
and she'd be fine one second andthen the next thing, you know,
she had an occlusion in hertrach and then she would, you
know, turn blue and the suctionwouldn't come out and you have
to do an emergent trach changeand then you have to hope that
(13:42):
the same thing with any kind ofptsd.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
It's a trauma effect so I wasn't a combat vet, but I
was, like you said, on highalert every time I went on duty,
because not one, not one onlyam I a target, but I'm going
into the danger zone right.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
When everybody else is running out, you're running
right so, uh, yeah, there wouldbe nights.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
I'd wake up and you know, y'all know, that I've been
married three times.
This is my soulmate right herebeside me, that I pulled a gun
and put it across my, the wife'schest Not mine, not hers, but
the number two wife and I wasgoing to shoot this shadow man
(14:25):
coming out of my wall and I wasI mean, I was in the moment he
was going to die.
You know coming out of my wall,right, you know after me.
And then you know you have towake up when you finally realize
somebody's screaming in yourear.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
But what's amazing is when you have unconditional
love and you have unconditionalrespect and you have someone
that you can talk to and confidein and doesn't look at you with
judgment or negativity butlooks at you with honor and
values you, because you'reopening up to them and they're
trusting you, it makes healing,in your journey of healing,
(15:08):
better.
And I'm just saying this becauseI've been where he is and where
he was.
But now my husband doesn't havethose anymore.
Like since we've been married,you know, we're're, we have to
snuggle every single night.
We, we cuddle, we're touchingin some form and even if I move,
he has to put his foot near me,he has to bring his feet near
(15:32):
me, or my feet ain't small, soanyway, he always you know we're
always touching each other.
But he hasn't had those shadowman dreams since we've been
married.
And when you have that sense ofsafety and understanding, just
like with me and my neck, I mean, even if I'm half asleep and he
(15:54):
touched my neck, I'm okay, butif somebody else did it, they're
probably going to get thrownacross the room Is that because
you're a second-degree?
Speaker 1 (16:01):
black belt.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Well, I got to hand it to you, but I'm just saying
it's because we feel safe andsecure with one another.
That makes that okay.
But what also comes with ptsd,especially with women who have
any kind of scars, is bodydysphoria.
I I openly admit that I havebody dysphoria.
You know, we'll go somewhereand we'll see a woman.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
That is well, let's clarify that I'm not looking for
a woman, y'all we'll seesomebody.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
We'll see somebody who's, you know, 200 250 pounds
and you know there's somebeautiful larger women like I'm
sorry, I think, melissa thinkMelissa McCarthy is just
gorgeous and she's a big person,she's hilarious.
But if you've ever seen her notdoing, you know her regular
movies and you've seen herinterview, she's very beautiful,
she's a very beautiful woman.
(16:53):
The girl who was in this is usChristy Christina Metz.
She's very beautiful.
I mean, you can be beautiful inany size.
But back before I was abused bymy ex, I was a junkie when it
came to working out.
Everybody has an addiction ofsome sort.
Mine was in the gym.
I was in the gym at least once,if not twice, a day.
(17:14):
Uh, I was obsessed to the pointwhere some people would say
it's an addiction, like I wantedto make sure that I didn't, you
know, eat one calorie overwhere I was supposed to, and
then to go from there to where Iam now, where I have put on
weight.
And it's because, instead ofpain medication, over the last,
(17:35):
you know, almost 20 years, Ihave ate my pain because I
couldn't take anything to helpwith the pain, because I'm
taking care of my daughter and Ijust need to be ready to help
her at a blink of an eye, andthat's how I always have been.
Yes, you will hear my husbandsay often that he brings me
(17:56):
breakfast in bed every morningand every morning yes, and
that's amazing you go in to thefreezer, take out some new to
grain waffles and defrost andthen bring them up to me with
not even a baby teaspoon ofsyrup.
But now, see, now, but you, youbring it to me.
(18:20):
Well, it's better to be leftwith.
Not at they're, not at they'relike oh, that's sweet.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
He brings his wife frozen waffles big, and you know
why my husband's gonna saythat's it, you're not getting
any more.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Because I know I still do it in my head how many
calories I'm bringing in.
Like the waffles are like 180calories for two and I know that
my breakfast is under 250calories and that's there's.
No, it is like living in yourown torturous hell when you are
so obsessed with what you feelyou look like because it's
(18:56):
misconstrued.
When I see someone, I havesevere body dysphoria.
I look and I think I lookcompletely different than how I
do and I don't like looking in amirror.
I don't like passing my imagein a window when I walk by it
and that's part of my PTSD.
Because growing up I heard, oh,if you eat that you're going to
look like your mother.
And you know, and mygrandparents would never say
(19:19):
anything like that to me, butyou know, I always heard my
biological sperm donor talkabout you know, oh, you don't
want to end up looking like yourmom.
You know, look at all thestomachs that she has.
They're holding up.
You know, and you hear thatgrowing up it's like if you hear
every single day, I love you, Ilove you, I love you, then you
(19:39):
believe it.
But if you hear every singleday.
You're fat and you're ugly,nobody's ever going to want you.
Then you begin to believe thattoo.
And so that's really hard,that's really really hard.
And to go and have, in the lastmonth, within a month, I had two
surgeries two weeks apart and Iwas like that's it, I don't
(20:01):
know what else they could do.
I don't know what else theycould do.
I don't know what else theycould find.
If you take a picture of askeleton, who in you know, in
school I called it Mr Bones, andthere's not an area on the
skeleton that I haven't hadmassive, major repetitive
surgery on.
So, with that being said, itmakes it very challenging.
(20:21):
With all the scars I obtainedfrom the abuse and then the
surgery scars, I really do looklike a maze of scarring.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
You're beautiful.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Thank you, I just don't see it.
Oh, there is Stucco, hi Stucco,and.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Rusty coming in Stucco's our ultimate favorite.
You'll see him all over ourFacebook.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
This is Stucco for Stucco squad and he's just
amazing.
Yes, he, yes, I know you did,but he is red and it's sweet and
loving and he has a sense ofhumor, because whenever my
husband tries to get close to me, he will jump from, like, the
couch to the chair or whatever.
(21:03):
Or if we're in bed, he willjump between us and he shoves my
husband away, like he takes hispaws and pushes them off so he
can snuggle me and it's just thefunniest thing.
And he'll say boy y'all pleasebe sure.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Sorry, I'm eating some toms, that's so nasty uh be
sure to go on our website andcheck out the courses.
You'll be directed over toMighty.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Network.
Well it's.
Mighty Network yes, but you goon our website and it says the
Academy, and then you hit thelittle menu down button and it
shows you we have Stucco Squad,we have Limitless uh for anybody
who is going through any typeof recovery.
You know, even when you havesurvived abuse, you're still in
(21:50):
recovery, you're recovering frombeing abused.
So we have that for anybody inabuse, recovery or alcoholism or
any kind of drug addiction.
Um, we also have the ValorCircle, which I love.
That logo it's beautiful, it'sfor all of the vets.
And you know I've had people saywell, how can you support the
vets when your ex was one?
(22:11):
And I say this all the time, Ihave no issue with the military.
I had a really bad orchard ofbad apples.
That doesn't mean all themilitary is bad and I thank
people for the service.
Michael was air force and sothat's.
You know, that's just not it.
I mean, if that's the case, Ialso should be a lesbian.
(22:31):
But you know, I support thelgbtq community but because a
man beat me, a lot of people belike I could never let a man
near me again.
Well, you know, one bad appledoesn't make for a horrible
apple pie.
Just, you know, doesn't dogreat for it.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
That's right.
Uh, speaking of military, shoutout to void who we met at
firehouse sub tonight us marinethank you, right tender and your
conversation can you do itrough?
No, okay, why?
Because I would just slaughter.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
I slaughtered it.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
No, I'm gonna say a chair force as they call it a
chair force.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
I bet you do not know this about your wife.
I bet you don't know this.
When I was 17, I went down andI tried to enlist in the united
states perfect court you tried Idid.
I was a minor and I took thetest, I know.
But I got the certificatesaying I was accepted and I went
first.
(23:28):
My grandfather already passedaway.
I have it down in the basementsomewhere in one of our many
storage boxes, um, and I framedit and I went down there and I
remember going over to mygrandmother's first and then I
showed her that I said I havesomething to show you and I
showed her the frame and she'slike what is that?
And then I went, no thing,cause I realized that this would
(23:52):
probably be the only time shewould take frying pan to me,
because that would be a no-go.
I went to my bio parents and Isaid I want you to see what I
did.
And of course, if anybody,excuse me, knew who my bio
father is or was, then he waslike you're not going in the
blankety book, like he wastotally against military, um,
and he was like you are notgoing in the you know military.
(24:16):
And then I didn't end up going,but I did, I tried to enlist in
the Marine Corps, um.
So I mean, see, I don't end upgoing, but I did, I tried to
enlist in the Marine Corps.
So I mean, see, I don't.
And then everything happens andhere I am with you.
But yeah, and the thing is isthat you know, here is I learned
about this and I want to makesure to bring this up because I
think this is an absolutelyfantastic analogy metaphor.
(24:39):
Whatever you choose to use it,if you're standing in front of a
group of people and I have mycoffee here, what is this?
It's like an eight ounce andthe cup probably has like one
ounce left in it, and it's apaper cup.
So I want you to imagine you'reholding a paper cup.
Now, if you're holding it inyour hand and you're holding it
for a minute, it's fine, right?
(24:59):
No big worry.
You're holding it for a minute,nothing, five minutes.
You might be getting a little.
It's kind of getting annoying.
It's getting a little.
You know, I want to put it down.
After about an hour it getsheavier than it did.
And then, a day, if you'venever put it down, it's wearing
on you, it's wearing on yourhand, it's wearing on your elbow
, it's wearing on your shoulder,right?
If you hold to it for two days,your hand just ends up almost
(25:22):
in a locked position, holdingthe cup in place.
That is the same thing withfear and anger and resentment.
And the question is, how longare you going to hold on to it?
Because something in thebeginning that seems so light
and not really a heavy burden onyou, the longer you hold on to
(25:45):
it, the harder it gets.
So when I saw that, I was like,wow, you know, because some
people in both of our lives andboth sides of our family tree
branch or bark or whatever youwant to call it, um, hold on to
things that are so stupid andtedious that it just doesn't
make sense, right?
Speaker 1 (26:06):
you know what our listeners say right now they
need coffee at firehouse.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
No, firehouse doesn't sell coffee they're saying take
off your clothes.
What, um, this is.
Why would you say that on thispodcast?
Because you're hanging on tothis body disorder shit.
You are trying to be nasty.
Your bag is closed.
Yes, I've gotten better.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
I got rid of 14 double H, triple E wide clothes.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Hold on, in fairness, I did get rid of like four bags
.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
You did and you've gotten smaller clothes, but they
still need to come down 18times.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
I'm working on it, I am.
I am getting better.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
And I'm very patient.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
But, in fairness, I have not done anything to show
skin in almost 20 years.
In all fairness, like we have ahot tub, I don't go in it.
If I do, I'm wearing likepajama, bottoms and t-shirt,
right, or you know, and I don'town a pair of shorts.
I don't own a skirt that showsany skin.
(27:12):
I hide behind my clothes andyou know what the thing is, and
that's one thing that anybodywho's ever been through abuse
can understand.
Every bit of my life was underhis control.
Like he would follow me to work, he would call, make sure that
I answered my private line in myoffice, everything I, you know,
wore.
He had to approve my makeup, hehad to approve my hair, he had
(27:35):
to approve.
And so the only thing that Ifelt I had, especially
especially after I left, wasfeeling like I was being wrapped
in my own clothes and nobodywas going to tell me what I
could and couldn't wear.
And so I hid behind baggyclothes.
But now, when I walk by a store, I look in the mirror and I'm
like, oh my God, a patting tobear, like I look like a big
(27:55):
bear because I do wear clothesthat are very big, and it's not
because I'm trying to be, youknow, one of these nineties.
You know people that were inthe nineties that wore really
big pants and big shirts andwhatever.
I'm hiding who I am behind myclothes, because even, let's say
even if I wore a t-shirt aV-neck is that right, v-neck
(28:16):
t-shirt I have scars that aregoing to show just in that
little space where the V wouldbe right.
I have scars that are going toshow just in that little space
where the B would be Right, andone of them is pretty long on
the side and it's distinctivefrom a specific weapon that was
used on me.
Then there's another one whereI took a knife out of my own
chest while pregnant, and that'sjust.
(28:41):
I get stared at and the thingis is that I cautiously try to
divert people's attention awayfrom Faith because I don't want
her to feel uncomfortable,because Faith has had some scars
, but she has some badass scars.
I am so envious because ifyou're a mom and your kid has
gone through any kind of surgery, you had to learn multiple
surgeries.
This kid is a warrior, herscars are badass and you know
(29:05):
the last thing you want sherocks them.
Oh man, but if I look like Faith, you and I wouldn't be having
this conversation about mehiding behind big clothes.
I mean, she's beautiful, she is, so I made a gorgeous baby.
What that's mine?
Speaker 1 (29:24):
all day, all night she is.
So I made a gorgeous baby.
What that's mine all?
Speaker 2 (29:27):
day, all night.
That is mine all day, all night.
She looks just like me, thankGod, Are you kidding?
She's got every aspect of me.
What are you?
Her laziness is not a physicalattribute.
Yeah, I do have a point there.
We are going to do an event forPTSD month and I want to start
(29:48):
doing more and more events tobring our academy out there.
For those of you that may havelost somebody at some point in
time in your life or maybe youknow your sister, your mom one
in four women go through somesort of abuse, and I want to to.
What am I like thinking aboutit?
(30:08):
I was given a stat and Ichecked it and it's absolutely
correct.
According to the veteransaffair, as of now, one in three
women and one in 50 men haveexperienced military sexual
trauma.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
According to the Veterans Affairs, Wait, wait,
they're admitting it it doeshappen.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Yeah, but they don't do anything about it, they cover
it up, it doesn't happen.
Right, that's as of now, andthose are the ones that are
getting reported.
What isn't getting reportedRight, and so you are not alone,
you are not forgotten.
What isn't getting reportedright, and so you are not alone,
you are not forgotten, yeahbecause one of 50 men.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
yeah, well, you know how society stipulates men and
you know getting hit or abusedby a woman, or it could be
another man, I guess you know itcould be, and they've just been
bombing up and keeping it asecret.
They're too embarrassed, tooashamed.
Guess you know it could be soand they've just been bombing up
, keeping it secret.
They're too embarrassed toashamed, you know but please
understand you know what.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
I have people who say to me all the time your numbers
are so big, you've got, youknow, millions and millions of
listens and views and things,but nobody comments.
And I tell people all the timeand I just want to reiterate it,
I tell people when I talk tosurvivors all the time do not,
do not, do not leave commentsanywhere on social media, not
just our podcast because ifyou're attackers out there, you
(31:30):
don't want them to find you.
You know we see by our numbersand when people reach out to us,
we see.
And to know that we're helpingeven one person is a reason why
we've done this for so long.
To know that we're helping evenone person is a reason why
we've done this for so long.
And I want you to know and Iknow my husband agrees when I
say this is you are valid, youare worthy and you are heard.
And you know, while I'm doingthese courses that I'm writing,
(31:59):
I go in and I'm like trying tofind quotes and stuff and you
can go and look for quotes likeGoogle.
You know I need a quote forthis and you know you look and I
have found like 30 quotes thatI've used, which is ironic
because it says you know, quoteVictoria Curie what Did you?
Speaker 1 (32:11):
say erotic.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
No, what did you say?
I don't remember.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
This is ironic.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Ironic.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
God, I need my hearing aids.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Ironic it's ironic.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Ironic.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
Ironic, ironic, yes, anyway.
So you know, the one thingwhenever you're talking in front
of people or around anybodyelse is, if you're ever going to
quote somebody, quote yourself,because we all quote Martin
Luther King, we all quote RonaldReagan, we all quote, you know,
maya Angelou.
(32:44):
Quote.
You know my angelou.
Okay, we quote isaac newton.
Who my angelo?
You said my angel.
Oh, my god, I'm telling you,I'm warning.
It's already happened.
My husband has told me since Igot this wiring in my brain like
some of my words are kind ofall wiki-wagi.
I don't know why I'm supposed toworry about hearing aids and
I'm partially deaf, but but,anyway, so quote yourself and
(33:08):
then have that out there,because you know, one of the
things I say all the time isthat you have survived 100 of
your worst days, and there weredays I laid on the floor
thinking I'd have to die to feelbetter, and I know a lot of
people who've gone through abuse.
They know what that's like.
You know, where I had no icepacks, I lay on the bathroom
floor because that was how Itried to keep the swelling down
(33:28):
off my injuries, and that issomething nobody should have to
go through.
But I want you to remember thateven in that moment where you
think dying would be lesspainful, you are letting your
attacker win.
Number one, number two you havesurvived 100% of every moment,
(33:50):
every day before.
I know that sounds tedious, butwhen you're out of that
situation it is one hell of athing to carry around with you.
You know what?
I never had a tattoo before Iwas abused, except one, and it
was on my hip.
That was it, and it partiallyhad to do with my husband here
back at the time told me hedidn't like tattoos so I refused
(34:12):
to get one, but that was a longtime ago.
But I didn't want things on myperson that reminded me of him.
And when I was stabbed over adozen times and all the other
abuse and all the other scars, Ididn't want to look down and
see them and I definitely didn'twant Faith to look at me when
she was younger and ask why, why, why, why, what's that, what's
that, what's that Right?
So I went and startedjournaling, if you will, by
(34:35):
tattooing over the scars on myforearms, my upper arms and my
back, my shoulder at my back.
Oh, my shoulder, my back isclean, thank you.
But because, like so many timeswhen she'd be going through
this, I always used to tell herwe're going to walk the journey
of life hand in hand as motherand daughter, when I was a
single mom, and so when she'd behaving a procedure done and
(34:58):
they'd tell her you can't talk,you know they're trying to place
a line line, I would let herhold my arm and she would just
read it back and forth, back andforth, and it was tattooed.
The wording is tattooed there.
So then I started putting otherthings.
So there's no skulls andthere's no, you know, snakes and
all that.
And if that's what you go for,then you know that's you and
more power to you.
(35:19):
But I also love that kids willcome up to me now and be like,
oh, what is that, you know?
And I'm like, oh, that's abunny and he's playing golf.
Why do you have a bunny playinggolf?
Well, that's the man that youknow gave me my life in order of
how I wanted to be in life.
That was my grandfather.
So I compliment him because Icalled him bunny.
(35:39):
And there he is with a golfclub because we played golf
together.
So they're all fun.
And you know you can come upand ask me what that is and
what's this tattoo and whatever.
But you need to look down atyourself, whether inside,
outside, in between, anywhereelse, and say this is how many
times that son of a bitch triedand failed.
(36:01):
He is a coward.
And you know what?
I know that heavy hand.
I know exactly how that heavyhand feels and at that moment it
doesn't feel like he's a coward, it feels like he's an attack
dog and you're his punchingground.
But you know what, at the endof the day, you are the stronger
one and you are not that pieceof shit.
(36:21):
At the end of the day, right,you are the stronger one and you
are not that piece of shit atthe end of the day, right, you
are the powerful one and there'sso much to say for that and my
hat's off to you because I'vebeen there and I understand it
and you don't have to go throughthis alone and that's why the
Academy was created.
So if you're unable to pay forit and obviously we're not
trying to get rich off of it,but are trying just to keep up
(36:42):
the cost um of what it costs tomaintain this then you reach out
.
There's no judgment and we willtake care of that cost for you.
We offer scholarships, whichwe've had a couple people who
have already.
One person purchased fivescholarships.
Somebody else purchased three.
Was it three?
I think it was three, and thiswas all just yesterday, because
(37:07):
we really just started puttingit out there yesterday and that
allows eight other people tocome in and do these classes and
, like I said, we're alwaystrying to mix in free.
My goal is to do one or twoclasses a week adding, but now
I'm like doing one or two a day,but we're trying to mix in some
free.
My goal was to do one or twoclasses a week adding, but now
(37:28):
I'm like doing one or two a day,but we're trying to mix in some
free with the other ones, andyou know if you have a sister
that's gone through this.
I mean, a cup of coffee atStarbucks is like six bucks now
or something right.
So even if you donate a $5,either once a month or just a
one time five dollars that'sgoing to help somebody realize
their self-worth again, becauseinside even the tiniest flicker
(37:48):
of light can start a wildfireand it's so important.
And if you ever doubt yourself-worth, just come to me or
to Michael and we'll remind youof how amazing and beautiful you
are.
Why are you staring at me likethat?
And beautiful you are.
Why are you staring at me like?
Speaker 1 (38:01):
that Folks y'all don't know, but some of y'all
know this.
We share a microphone and wesit next to each other here in
our little video office and wejust stare at each other and
talk to each other, just kind ofcasual Off the cuff.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
no strats, no.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
The main thing is, we sit and stare at each other as
we're talking.
Speaker 2 (38:22):
No, no, but you know, the main thing is we're sitting
in the stairs, we're talking,yep.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
And you know you can hear in this woman's voice and
if you've got a track recordwith her over the years, we've
been following her and seeingthe amazing work she does.
She is absolutely beautifulinside and outside.
Her scars are beautiful.
It made her a warrior.
Okay, don't buy this woman acup of coffee.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
No, don't buy me a cup of coffee, you buy Okay.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
Because you put your heart and soul in this and a lot
of folks don't know how manyhours you can put up here in
your comfortable chair that Ibuilt you yesterday look at you
crying.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
You are crying.
Yes, there's no problem in here, you have.
Well, I'm not everybody's cupof tea.
We have.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
We have.
You're the beauty.
Speaker 2 (39:32):
I'll be the great, yeah yeah, that makes me the
beast.
I have a picture, get some sexylegs.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
Who's a cheerleader?
Speaker 2 (39:44):
No.
It was powder plus football,what it was, what Powder plus
football Football.
Yes, hold on, say that againFootball.
Okay, before he even finishes,I have to tell you he's going to
like his eyes are going to belike that Dr Doodle.
What Last night?
Faith says Dad, why do yousound like whoop, like I don't
(40:04):
even know how she did it.
She imitated you perfectly.
It was so stinking funny.
No, it was hilarious.
I mean, she imitated you soperfectly, it was spot on.
Okay, you're still crying.
So you dressed up one time in acheerleader outfit.
Speaker 1 (40:25):
We're not talking about Supporting the potato
smile.
Speaker 2 (40:29):
Which is us.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
Forget about the dress okay.
Speaker 2 (40:32):
You do have great legs.
You really do.
You rode a lot more than abicycle.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
No way, I think that's the end of our show?
No, it's not.
Bye bye, bye, bye bye, bye, bye, bye, bye bye bye bye, bye bye
bye bye bye bye bye bye bye byebye bye bye bye bye, bye, bye
bye bye bye, bye bye bye, byebye.
howdy y'all welcome another episode of today's.
A smile unstoppable withvictoria, the sexy redheaded
vixen, over here, whatever, andthen just the old rednecks,
michael, hi baby howdy, how areyou?
I'm full uh can I say,firehouse subs we already said,
(00:23):
firehouse Sub.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Well, there you go.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Shameless plug for Firehouse Sub.
Y'all get that brisket.
That, what that brisket.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
I have to tell you, people are telling me I'm
getting a little country.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
You are country.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
No, I used to talk like this.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
No, that's got to go.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
No, and you'd always say get back down south.
That's right, Because out,Because I'd say go upstairs.
What are you talking about?
Let's have some coffee.
And you have turned me into alittle southern boo.
It's like a little bit.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Well, you did wear some overalls last week.
I did.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
It's called a rumper.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
A rumper, a rumper.
I thought that's what you do.
That's dumper.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
It's like wrestling.
It's like what Wrestling?
What the hell is a wrestling?
Speaker 1 (01:04):
You know the men in the Speedos in the ring.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
The stuff that's fake it ain't fake.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
How dare you blaspheme against WWE WWF?
It is fake.
There's nothing fake about HulkHogan.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Whatever, they're all fake throwing chairs and stuff.
So a lot of people are learningthat we are not playing on our
phone while we're podcasting.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
I do.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
I'm very busy.
What?
And that we are launching ouracademy and a few people are
starting to take notice.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
I would say more than a few.
What do you mean?
Well, you have we, you, we havebeen awarded.
I can't even, I've lost count.
At least eight different awardsor nominees.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
You've got so many dang invitations on these awards
?
No, we won all of them, so I'velost know.
You've got so many invitationon these awards?
No, we won all of them, so I'velost count.
Okay, you and your doctorates?
I've lost count.
How many doctorates do you have, whatever?
So here I'm looking at oneInsider Weekly 2025 Review of
(02:26):
the Year Awards A ContagiousSmile.
Best of Transformative Trauma.
Advocacy for Domestic Violenceyeah, so that award goes to Us.
Thank you for getting it rightand thank y'all for you know.
Y'all made this possible.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
Absolutely, and that's just one of them.
I know she's.
The wife has been featured inseveral magazines Women's Week,
absolutely, absolutely, andthat's just one of them.
I know she's.
The wife has been featured inseveral magazines.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Women's.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Week Newspaper lately .
Speaker 2 (02:51):
International Business Journal.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
What's that other one ?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Which one.
That hasn't come out yet Not yet.
But I'm being interviewed forWomen on a Mission and Creative
Entrepreneur Voices andPodcasting yet.
But I'm being interviewed forwomen on a mission and creative
uh, some kind of entrepreneurvoices and podcasting and I'm
trying to think but it's allbecause of all of the wonderful
people we're getting to workwith that makes such a
(03:18):
difference.
And june is ptsd month, whichis awful that anybody has to
endure ptsd because it's.
It's not a easy walk.
That is for sure to go through.
And I watch.
I already know what myhusband's going to say because
we finish each other's sentences.
Even at firehouse we're likekidding around, and he does this
thing with his hand, you see,and then all of a sudden he
(03:39):
shoots me a bird.
Well, that ended up going likein a mirror effect tonight.
Like we always do that to eachother.
We can finish each other'ssentences, we can do all sorts
of fun, crazy things that justsolidify our unity.
Oh, pumpkin Very points, maybe.
So, anyway, we're talking aboutthe whole PTSD thing and I know
(04:03):
what he's going to say.
Just wait for it.
So I created a class today onPTSD and it is free.
In our academy we have a bunchof free mini courses and then we
have very low cost courses, andI've researched in a lot of the
courses that contain thecontent that we have are
(04:25):
anywhere from like forty nine tothree, ninety nine.
Yeah, they're all over theplace, but for the most part, I
would say most of them are four,ninety nine, four dollars and
ninety nine cents.
There is many, many free.
There are some, I think, thatare as much as twelve, ninety,
nine, some, not many, which isnothing, which is nothing.
(04:46):
And then, if you want to learnhow we have gained all of you
amazing people, I have taughthow we've done it because I
haven't had a marketing team, Ihaven't had a group of people
helping me promote, I've donethis and so I'm teaching classes
and we've seen classes.
It's outrageous.
I was like maybe I need my eyeschecked again 800 plus thousands
(05:06):
, thousands of dollars, and itbasically no offense to them.
But it's kind of a more mundanecourse where it's just kind of
like I don't know how you woulddescribe it it's like, okay,
here we are at the next and Imean you've taken classes I've
taught.
When you're in law enforcement,you have to be more energetic
and outgoing and you have to,like you know, bring life into
(05:30):
your course, no matter what thetrauma is or what the the course
is about, because you have tokeep it where people want, to
keep their attention to that solet me pause right there.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Let me read a comment from one of the recent
subscribers.
Oh, don't say name, I didn'tOkay, they signed up for one of
the courses in our Stucco Squad.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
We love Stucco Squad.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
And this is what they had to say After I asked them
welcome, and did you take thecourse Already?
Knowing the answer that theydid?
Yes, my son loved it and wantsto do another.
Thanks for what you guys do.
I love the show, by the way,rolling on the floor laughing my
ass off.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Okay, I didn't know what that whole thing was.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
But you know that's so nice to hear that.
You know somebody took thecourse and they enjoyed it and
their, their son enjoyed it ortheir daughter enjoyed it, and
and the fact that they want moreand they're all humorous the
dog classes, the snooker squad.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
They help your little one realize how amazing they
are really.
Let them see the star that theyare.
We really make sure that theyreally see that, no matter what
the condition is, no matter whatthe circumstances are, we're
going to make sure they see thatthey're amazing.
And you know, I see people allthe time.
People stare at me everywhere Igo.
It's because you're gorgeous?
(07:01):
No, it's because I'm completelyscarred, from one side to the
other and my entire.
I look like you got sexy scars Ilook like I am a walking
toolbox with a dinner, because Ihave a dinner, I have a plate
and I have some screws and somepins and I have a lot of wire
with the whole screw and hammerand nail and moving forward.
(07:23):
Anyway, so I have lots of scars.
I get stared at more by adultsthan kids.
Kids think it's cool because Idon't want them to be scared and
I'll be like oh, I'm CaptainHulk's sister and so they think
that's really cute.
And I'll never forget when wewere in a store and this cute
little three or four year oldlittle girl was like what
happened.
And I said year old little girlwas like what happened.
And I said I lost my arm.
And she said mom, I'm going tohelp this nice lady find her arm
(07:46):
.
And I said if you could find myarm in the store, I'll buy you
everything in it.
Um which, thank God my armwasn't in it Cause I wouldn't
have been able to.
But anyway, I get stared at allthe time and if anybody and
this isn't me, my husband willtell you this is not me being
pity party for myself.
If anybody has a reason toreally hate life, I would safely
(08:07):
say that that would be me,because I've had well over a
hundred surgeries.
I have death, I have hearingaids.
We just got really bad news,not even a week ago.
That makes that even worse, ifpossible.
I've been even diagnosed withCRPS, which is complex, complex
regional pain syndrome.
I've been told that the morehearing impaired and deaf that I
(08:30):
get, my speech will changebecause I won't be able to
continue to hear the foundationof the words which I'm seeing.
I don't know if my husband'spicked it up yet because he'll
say what did you just say?
Because if you ever listened tolike Marlee Matlin, who is deaf
and she was on Dancing with theStars, I love her, but her talk
is very different, herarticulation is very different
(08:51):
and a lot of people who arehearing impaired, you know, and
I'm like 98 percent and one and80 something and the other um,
without my hearing aids, andpretty soon that's going to
change radically.
And then, like you know, I havelike I literally in the morning
have to get up and be like youknow, some people get out of bed
and put their feet on the floorand go get a cup of joe, and
you know I have to like unplugand plug in, and you know it
(09:16):
takes me forever because I needmy own USB strip to plug up my,
my, my lifeline, literally, youknow, to be able to function on
a daily basis.
And then I have to charge up atnight and let me tell you, some
of the charging isn't aspleasant as some people might
think.
So it's a lot.
And you know, if you don't findthe silver lining around all of
(09:38):
it, then you absolutely wouldbe the most depressed, hateful
person in the world.
You really would, and I alwayshave to be the one who brings
laughter and jokes about it.
But there's a few things thatare for sure.
When you're a redhead which Iam, and you go into surgery for
the few times that I have hadanesthetic, I refuse to take any
(09:58):
pain medication after.
And even my husband's likewould you please, nope, not
doing it.
Even after amputation, my wholeface being replaced with metal
and stuff I still wouldn't do it.
And the thing is, is that it istrue this is a fact that when
you go for surgery, it takesmore anesthetic to put a redhead
under than normal blondes,brunettes, anything like that,
(10:24):
and it's because we have ahigher pain tolerance.
Right.
It's also harder to put someonewho has PTSD under which I
thought, okay, that's kind ofunusual.
But to this day, which is almosttwo decades later, my husband
is the only person who can touchmy throat the only one, because
it's one of my last stillhanging on unfortunate triggers
(10:47):
and I had to have cellularcellular blocks done, stellar
gate block see stellar gateblocks done, and it's done
through the neck.
Well, I've had the same surgeonwho's probably, when it comes
to those done.
I don't know how many surgeriesdid you say he's done, at least
when it comes to those done.
I don't know how many surgeriesdid you say he's done, at least
maybe close to a dozen and ahalf, two dozen surgeries.
(11:08):
And he can't come near mythroat and it's just a trigger.
Even when I'm, if I'm eventwilighted, I can't have anybody
near my throat, and so that isa legitimate PTSD symptom.
And for those of you that havenot had or gone through anything
that's caused PTSD drama, youcan't imagine what this is like
(11:32):
to go through it.
I mean, you think thateverything is fine one minute
and the next minute somethinghappens and you're completely
scared to death.
A lot of our vets have PTSD.
A lot of law enforcement havePTSD.
99.999% of every beautifulhuman being I've ever talked
(11:52):
with or had the pleasure ofworking with that had,
unfortunately, met with mebecause of abuse.
They all have PTSD and it's areally hard PTSD and it's a
really hard, hard thing to livewith and a lot of people who
(12:12):
don't understand it.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
don't get it.
I mean, as a man, what is itlike to have PTSD?
So, as you know, I was in theAir Force and then I did 13 and
a half years in law enforcementand all that, uh, in law
enforcement I was on the road asa police officer, I was a
private detective, I was insidethe jail for four and a half
years as a sheriff's deputy andthen I was a canine officer and
(12:35):
you, and in any of those uhdepartments, you are always on
high alert, high alert, you'reon pins and needles.
You, you're watching your back.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
It's like a special needs parent.
Sorry, I didn't mean tointerrupt you.
Yeah, yeah, because when Faithwas little, like, you come in on
that high.
And it's not a high you want tobe, it's adrenaline where
you're like, okay, what's goingto happen?
I've got to be ready at anymoment because you don't know
what's coming.
And it happened like that daybecause she would have a seizure
, she would pull out hertracheostomy, she'd pull out her
(13:03):
feeding tube.
You know, and it's the samething.
I didn't mean to interrupt you.
Please go ahead.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
And it happens in a blink of an eye, Absolutely.
You turn your back for a second.
Oh, I'm just going to put thisdown in the bathroom.
And in that time frame, youknow it hits the fan you get an
occlusion.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
You ended up coding and and it's like a domino
effect, you know, like if shegot an occlusion in her trach
and she'd be fine one second andthen the next thing, you know,
she had an occlusion in hertrach and then she would, you
know, turn blue and the suctionwouldn't come out and you have
to do an emergent trach changeand then you have to hope that
(13:42):
the same thing with any kind ofptsd.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
It's a trauma effect so I wasn't a combat vet, but I
was, like you said, on highalert every time I went on duty,
because not one, not one onlyam I a target, but I'm going
into the danger zone right.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
When everybody else is running out, you're running
right so, uh, yeah, there wouldbe nights.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
I'd wake up and you know, y'all know, that I've been
married three times.
This is my soulmate right herebeside me, that I pulled a gun
and put it across my, the wife'schest Not mine, not hers, but
the number two wife and I wasgoing to shoot this shadow man
(14:25):
coming out of my wall and I wasI mean, I was in the moment he
was going to die.
You know coming out of my wall,right, you know after me.
And then you know you have towake up when you finally realize
somebody's screaming in yourear.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
But what's amazing is when you have unconditional
love and you have unconditionalrespect and you have someone
that you can talk to and confidein and doesn't look at you with
judgment or negativity butlooks at you with honor and
values you, because you'reopening up to them and they're
trusting you, it makes healing,in your journey of healing,
(15:08):
better.
And I'm just saying this becauseI've been where he is and where
he was.
But now my husband doesn't havethose anymore.
Like since we've been married,you know, we're're, we have to
snuggle every single night.
We, we cuddle, we're touchingin some form and even if I move,
he has to put his foot near me,he has to bring his feet near
(15:32):
me, or my feet ain't small, soanyway, he always you know we're
always touching each other.
But he hasn't had those shadowman dreams since we've been
married.
And when you have that sense ofsafety and understanding, just
like with me and my neck, I mean, even if I'm half asleep and he
(15:54):
touched my neck, I'm okay, butif somebody else did it, they're
probably going to get thrownacross the room Is that because
you're a second-degree?
Speaker 1 (16:01):
black belt.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Well, I got to hand it to you, but I'm just saying
it's because we feel safe andsecure with one another.
That makes that okay.
But what also comes with ptsd,especially with women who have
any kind of scars, is bodydysphoria.
I I openly admit that I havebody dysphoria.
You know, we'll go somewhereand we'll see a woman.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
That is well, let's clarify that I'm not looking for
a woman, y'all we'll seesomebody.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
We'll see somebody who's, you know, 200 250 pounds
and you know there's somebeautiful larger women like I'm
sorry, I think, melissa thinkMelissa McCarthy is just
gorgeous and she's a big person,she's hilarious.
But if you've ever seen her notdoing, you know her regular
movies and you've seen herinterview, she's very beautiful,
she's a very beautiful woman.
(16:53):
The girl who was in this is usChristy Christina Metz.
She's very beautiful.
I mean, you can be beautiful inany size.
But back before I was abused bymy ex, I was a junkie when it
came to working out.
Everybody has an addiction ofsome sort.
Mine was in the gym.
I was in the gym at least once,if not twice, a day.
(17:14):
Uh, I was obsessed to the pointwhere some people would say
it's an addiction, like I wantedto make sure that I didn't, you
know, eat one calorie overwhere I was supposed to, and
then to go from there to where Iam now, where I have put on
weight.
And it's because, instead ofpain medication, over the last,
(17:35):
you know, almost 20 years, Ihave ate my pain because I
couldn't take anything to helpwith the pain, because I'm
taking care of my daughter and Ijust need to be ready to help
her at a blink of an eye, andthat's how I always have been.
Yes, you will hear my husbandsay often that he brings me
(17:56):
breakfast in bed every morningand every morning yes, and
that's amazing you go in to thefreezer, take out some new to
grain waffles and defrost andthen bring them up to me with
not even a baby teaspoon ofsyrup.
But now, see, now, but you, youbring it to me.
(18:20):
Well, it's better to be leftwith.
Not at they're, not at they'relike oh, that's sweet.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
He brings his wife frozen waffles big, and you know
why my husband's gonna saythat's it, you're not getting
any more.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Because I know I still do it in my head how many
calories I'm bringing in.
Like the waffles are like 180calories for two and I know that
my breakfast is under 250calories and that's there's.
No, it is like living in yourown torturous hell when you are
so obsessed with what you feelyou look like because it's
(18:56):
misconstrued.
When I see someone, I havesevere body dysphoria.
I look and I think I lookcompletely different than how I
do and I don't like looking in amirror.
I don't like passing my imagein a window when I walk by it
and that's part of my PTSD.
Because growing up I heard, oh,if you eat that you're going to
look like your mother.
And you know, and mygrandparents would never say
(19:19):
anything like that to me, butyou know, I always heard my
biological sperm donor talkabout you know, oh, you don't
want to end up looking like yourmom.
You know, look at all thestomachs that she has.
They're holding up.
You know, and you hear thatgrowing up it's like if you hear
every single day, I love you, Ilove you, I love you, then you
(19:39):
believe it.
But if you hear every singleday.
You're fat and you're ugly,nobody's ever going to want you.
Then you begin to believe thattoo.
And so that's really hard,that's really really hard.
And to go and have, in the lastmonth, within a month, I had two
surgeries two weeks apart and Iwas like that's it, I don't
(20:01):
know what else they could do.
I don't know what else theycould do.
I don't know what else theycould find.
If you take a picture of askeleton, who in you know, in
school I called it Mr Bones, andthere's not an area on the
skeleton that I haven't hadmassive, major repetitive
surgery on.
So, with that being said, itmakes it very challenging.
(20:21):
With all the scars I obtainedfrom the abuse and then the
surgery scars, I really do looklike a maze of scarring.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
You're beautiful.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Thank you, I just don't see it.
Oh, there is Stucco, hi Stucco,and.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Rusty coming in Stucco's our ultimate favorite.
You'll see him all over ourFacebook.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
This is Stucco for Stucco squad and he's just
amazing.
Yes, he, yes, I know you did,but he is red and it's sweet and
loving and he has a sense ofhumor, because whenever my
husband tries to get close to me, he will jump from, like, the
couch to the chair or whatever.
(21:03):
Or if we're in bed, he willjump between us and he shoves my
husband away, like he takes hispaws and pushes them off so he
can snuggle me and it's just thefunniest thing.
And he'll say boy y'all pleasebe sure.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Sorry, I'm eating some toms, that's so nasty uh be
sure to go on our website andcheck out the courses.
You'll be directed over toMighty.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Network.
Well it's.
Mighty Network yes, but you goon our website and it says the
Academy, and then you hit thelittle menu down button and it
shows you we have Stucco Squad,we have Limitless uh for anybody
who is going through any typeof recovery.
You know, even when you havesurvived abuse, you're still in
(21:50):
recovery, you're recovering frombeing abused.
So we have that for anybody inabuse, recovery or alcoholism or
any kind of drug addiction.
Um, we also have the ValorCircle, which I love.
That logo it's beautiful, it'sfor all of the vets.
And you know I've had people saywell, how can you support the
vets when your ex was one?
(22:11):
And I say this all the time, Ihave no issue with the military.
I had a really bad orchard ofbad apples.
That doesn't mean all themilitary is bad and I thank
people for the service.
Michael was air force and sothat's.
You know, that's just not it.
I mean, if that's the case, Ialso should be a lesbian.
(22:31):
But you know, I support thelgbtq community but because a
man beat me, a lot of people belike I could never let a man
near me again.
Well, you know, one bad appledoesn't make for a horrible
apple pie.
Just, you know, doesn't dogreat for it.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
That's right.
Uh, speaking of military, shoutout to void who we met at
firehouse sub tonight us marinethank you, right tender and your
conversation can you do itrough?
No, okay, why?
Because I would just slaughter.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
I slaughtered it.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
No, I'm gonna say a chair force as they call it a
chair force.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
I bet you do not know this about your wife.
I bet you don't know this.
When I was 17, I went down andI tried to enlist in the united
states perfect court you tried Idid.
I was a minor and I took thetest, I know.
But I got the certificatesaying I was accepted and I went
first.
(23:28):
My grandfather already passedaway.
I have it down in the basementsomewhere in one of our many
storage boxes, um, and I framedit and I went down there and I
remember going over to mygrandmother's first and then I
showed her that I said I havesomething to show you and I
showed her the frame and she'slike what is that?
And then I went, no thing,cause I realized that this would
(23:52):
probably be the only time shewould take frying pan to me,
because that would be a no-go.
I went to my bio parents and Isaid I want you to see what I
did.
And of course, if anybody,excuse me, knew who my bio
father is or was, then he waslike you're not going in the
blankety book, like he wastotally against military, um,
and he was like you are notgoing in the you know military.
(24:16):
And then I didn't end up going,but I did, I tried to enlist in
the Marine Corps, um.
So I mean, see, I don't end upgoing, but I did, I tried to
enlist in the Marine Corps.
So I mean, see, I don't.
And then everything happens andhere I am with you.
But yeah, and the thing is isthat you know, here is I learned
about this and I want to makesure to bring this up because I
think this is an absolutelyfantastic analogy metaphor.
(24:39):
Whatever you choose to use it,if you're standing in front of a
group of people and I have mycoffee here, what is this?
It's like an eight ounce andthe cup probably has like one
ounce left in it, and it's apaper cup.
So I want you to imagine you'reholding a paper cup.
Now, if you're holding it inyour hand and you're holding it
for a minute, it's fine, right?
(24:59):
No big worry.
You're holding it for a minute,nothing, five minutes.
You might be getting a little.
It's kind of getting annoying.
It's getting a little.
You know, I want to put it down.
After about an hour it getsheavier than it did.
And then, a day, if you'venever put it down, it's wearing
on you, it's wearing on yourhand, it's wearing on your elbow
, it's wearing on your shoulder,right?
If you hold to it for two days,your hand just ends up almost
(25:22):
in a locked position, holdingthe cup in place.
That is the same thing withfear and anger and resentment.
And the question is, how longare you going to hold on to it?
Because something in thebeginning that seems so light
and not really a heavy burden onyou, the longer you hold on to
(25:45):
it, the harder it gets.
So when I saw that, I was like,wow, you know, because some
people in both of our lives andboth sides of our family tree
branch or bark or whatever youwant to call it, um, hold on to
things that are so stupid andtedious that it just doesn't
make sense, right?
Speaker 1 (26:06):
you know what our listeners say right now they
need coffee at firehouse.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
No, firehouse doesn't sell coffee they're saying take
off your clothes.
What, um, this is.
Why would you say that on thispodcast?
Because you're hanging on tothis body disorder shit.
You are trying to be nasty.
Your bag is closed.
Yes, I've gotten better.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
I got rid of 14 double H, triple E wide clothes.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Hold on, in fairness, I did get rid of like four bags
.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
You did and you've gotten smaller clothes, but they
still need to come down 18times.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
I'm working on it, I am.
I am getting better.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
And I'm very patient.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
But, in fairness, I have not done anything to show
skin in almost 20 years.
In all fairness, like we have ahot tub, I don't go in it.
If I do, I'm wearing likepajama, bottoms and t-shirt,
right, or you know, and I don'town a pair of shorts.
I don't own a skirt that showsany skin.
(27:12):
I hide behind my clothes andyou know what the thing is, and
that's one thing that anybodywho's ever been through abuse
can understand.
Every bit of my life was underhis control.
Like he would follow me to work, he would call, make sure that
I answered my private line in myoffice, everything I, you know,
wore.
He had to approve my makeup, hehad to approve my hair, he had
(27:35):
to approve.
And so the only thing that Ifelt I had, especially
especially after I left, wasfeeling like I was being wrapped
in my own clothes and nobodywas going to tell me what I
could and couldn't wear.
And so I hid behind baggyclothes.
But now, when I walk by a store, I look in the mirror and I'm
like, oh my God, a patting tobear, like I look like a big
(27:55):
bear because I do wear clothesthat are very big, and it's not
because I'm trying to be, youknow, one of these nineties.
You know people that were inthe nineties that wore really
big pants and big shirts andwhatever.
I'm hiding who I am behind myclothes, because even, let's say
even if I wore a t-shirt aV-neck is that right, v-neck
(28:16):
t-shirt I have scars that aregoing to show just in that
little space where the V wouldbe right.
I have scars that are going toshow just in that little space
where the B would be Right, andone of them is pretty long on
the side and it's distinctivefrom a specific weapon that was
used on me.
Then there's another one whereI took a knife out of my own
chest while pregnant, and that'sjust.
(28:41):
I get stared at and the thingis is that I cautiously try to
divert people's attention awayfrom Faith because I don't want
her to feel uncomfortable,because Faith has had some scars
, but she has some badass scars.
I am so envious because ifyou're a mom and your kid has
gone through any kind of surgery, you had to learn multiple
surgeries.
This kid is a warrior, herscars are badass and you know
(29:05):
the last thing you want sherocks them.
Oh man, but if I look like Faith, you and I wouldn't be having
this conversation about mehiding behind big clothes.
I mean, she's beautiful, she is, so I made a gorgeous baby.
What that's mine?
Speaker 1 (29:24):
all day, all night she is.
So I made a gorgeous baby.
What that's mine all?
Speaker 2 (29:27):
day, all night.
That is mine all day, all night.
She looks just like me, thankGod, Are you kidding?
She's got every aspect of me.
What are you?
Her laziness is not a physicalattribute.
Yeah, I do have a point there.
We are going to do an event forPTSD month and I want to start
(29:48):
doing more and more events tobring our academy out there.
For those of you that may havelost somebody at some point in
time in your life or maybe youknow your sister, your mom one
in four women go through somesort of abuse, and I want to to.
What am I like thinking aboutit?
(30:08):
I was given a stat and Ichecked it and it's absolutely
correct.
According to the veteransaffair, as of now, one in three
women and one in 50 men haveexperienced military sexual
trauma.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
According to the Veterans Affairs, Wait, wait,
they're admitting it it doeshappen.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Yeah, but they don't do anything about it, they cover
it up, it doesn't happen.
Right, that's as of now, andthose are the ones that are
getting reported.
What isn't getting reportedRight, and so you are not alone,
you are not forgotten.
What isn't getting reportedright, and so you are not alone,
you are not forgotten, yeahbecause one of 50 men.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
yeah, well, you know how society stipulates men and
you know getting hit or abusedby a woman, or it could be
another man, I guess you know itcould be, and they've just been
bombing up and keeping it asecret.
They're too embarrassed, tooashamed.
Guess you know it could be soand they've just been bombing up
, keeping it secret.
They're too embarrassed toashamed, you know but please
understand you know what.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
I have people who say to me all the time your numbers
are so big, you've got, youknow, millions and millions of
listens and views and things,but nobody comments.
And I tell people all the timeand I just want to reiterate it,
I tell people when I talk tosurvivors all the time do not,
do not, do not leave commentsanywhere on social media, not
just our podcast because ifyou're attackers out there, you
(31:30):
don't want them to find you.
You know we see by our numbersand when people reach out to us,
we see.
And to know that we're helpingeven one person is a reason why
we've done this for so long.
To know that we're helping evenone person is a reason why
we've done this for so long.
And I want you to know and Iknow my husband agrees when I
say this is you are valid, youare worthy and you are heard.
And you know, while I'm doingthese courses that I'm writing,
(31:59):
I go in and I'm like trying tofind quotes and stuff and you
can go and look for quotes likeGoogle.
You know I need a quote forthis and you know you look and I
have found like 30 quotes thatI've used, which is ironic
because it says you know, quoteVictoria Curie what Did you?
Speaker 1 (32:11):
say erotic.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
No, what did you say?
I don't remember.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
This is ironic.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Ironic.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
God, I need my hearing aids.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Ironic it's ironic.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Ironic.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
Ironic, ironic, yes, anyway.
So you know, the one thingwhenever you're talking in front
of people or around anybodyelse is, if you're ever going to
quote somebody, quote yourself,because we all quote Martin
Luther King, we all quote RonaldReagan, we all quote, you know,
maya Angelou.
(32:44):
Quote.
You know my angelou.
Okay, we quote isaac newton.
Who my angelo?
You said my angel.
Oh, my god, I'm telling you,I'm warning.
It's already happened.
My husband has told me since Igot this wiring in my brain like
some of my words are kind ofall wiki-wagi.
I don't know why I'm supposed toworry about hearing aids and
I'm partially deaf, but but,anyway, so quote yourself and
(33:08):
then have that out there,because you know, one of the
things I say all the time isthat you have survived 100 of
your worst days, and there weredays I laid on the floor
thinking I'd have to die to feelbetter, and I know a lot of
people who've gone through abuse.
They know what that's like.
You know, where I had no icepacks, I lay on the bathroom
floor because that was how Itried to keep the swelling down
(33:28):
off my injuries, and that issomething nobody should have to
go through.
But I want you to remember thateven in that moment where you
think dying would be lesspainful, you are letting your
attacker win.
Number one, number two you havesurvived 100% of every moment,
(33:50):
every day before.
I know that sounds tedious, butwhen you're out of that
situation it is one hell of athing to carry around with you.
You know what?
I never had a tattoo before Iwas abused, except one, and it
was on my hip.
That was it, and it partiallyhad to do with my husband here
back at the time told me hedidn't like tattoos so I refused
(34:12):
to get one, but that was a longtime ago.
But I didn't want things on myperson that reminded me of him.
And when I was stabbed over adozen times and all the other
abuse and all the other scars, Ididn't want to look down and
see them and I definitely didn'twant Faith to look at me when
she was younger and ask why, why, why, why, what's that, what's
that, what's that Right?
So I went and startedjournaling, if you will, by
(34:35):
tattooing over the scars on myforearms, my upper arms and my
back, my shoulder at my back.
Oh, my shoulder, my back isclean, thank you.
But because, like so many timeswhen she'd be going through
this, I always used to tell herwe're going to walk the journey
of life hand in hand as motherand daughter, when I was a
single mom, and so when she'd behaving a procedure done and
(34:58):
they'd tell her you can't talk,you know they're trying to place
a line line, I would let herhold my arm and she would just
read it back and forth, back andforth, and it was tattooed.
The wording is tattooed there.
So then I started putting otherthings.
So there's no skulls andthere's no, you know, snakes and
all that.
And if that's what you go for,then you know that's you and
more power to you.
(35:19):
But I also love that kids willcome up to me now and be like,
oh, what is that, you know?
And I'm like, oh, that's abunny and he's playing golf.
Why do you have a bunny playinggolf?
Well, that's the man that youknow gave me my life in order of
how I wanted to be in life.
That was my grandfather.
So I compliment him because Icalled him bunny.
(35:39):
And there he is with a golfclub because we played golf
together.
So they're all fun.
And you know you can come upand ask me what that is and
what's this tattoo and whatever.
But you need to look down atyourself, whether inside,
outside, in between, anywhereelse, and say this is how many
times that son of a bitch triedand failed.
(36:01):
He is a coward.
And you know what?
I know that heavy hand.
I know exactly how that heavyhand feels and at that moment it
doesn't feel like he's a coward, it feels like he's an attack
dog and you're his punchingground.
But you know what, at the endof the day, you are the stronger
one and you are not that pieceof shit.
(36:21):
At the end of the day, right,you are the stronger one and you
are not that piece of shit atthe end of the day, right, you
are the powerful one and there'sso much to say for that and my
hat's off to you because I'vebeen there and I understand it
and you don't have to go throughthis alone and that's why the
Academy was created.
So if you're unable to pay forit and obviously we're not
trying to get rich off of it,but are trying just to keep up
(36:42):
the cost um of what it costs tomaintain this then you reach out
.
There's no judgment and we willtake care of that cost for you.
We offer scholarships, whichwe've had a couple people who
have already.
One person purchased fivescholarships.
Somebody else purchased three.
Was it three?
I think it was three, and thiswas all just yesterday, because
(37:07):
we really just started puttingit out there yesterday and that
allows eight other people tocome in and do these classes and
, like I said, we're alwaystrying to mix in free.
My goal is to do one or twoclasses a week adding, but now
I'm like doing one or two a day,but we're trying to mix in some
free.
My goal was to do one or twoclasses a week adding, but now
(37:28):
I'm like doing one or two a day,but we're trying to mix in some
free with the other ones, andyou know if you have a sister
that's gone through this.
I mean, a cup of coffee atStarbucks is like six bucks now
or something right.
So even if you donate a $5,either once a month or just a
one time five dollars that'sgoing to help somebody realize
their self-worth again, becauseinside even the tiniest flicker
(37:48):
of light can start a wildfireand it's so important.
And if you ever doubt yourself-worth, just come to me or
to Michael and we'll remind youof how amazing and beautiful you
are.
Why are you staring at me likethat?
And beautiful you are.
Why are you staring at me like?
Speaker 1 (38:01):
that Folks y'all don't know, but some of y'all
know this.
We share a microphone and wesit next to each other here in
our little video office and wejust stare at each other and
talk to each other, just kind ofcasual Off the cuff.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
no strats, no.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
The main thing is, we sit and stare at each other as
we're talking.
Speaker 2 (38:22):
No, no, but you know, the main thing is we're sitting
in the stairs, we're talking,yep.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
And you know you can hear in this woman's voice and
if you've got a track recordwith her over the years, we've
been following her and seeingthe amazing work she does.
She is absolutely beautifulinside and outside.
Her scars are beautiful.
It made her a warrior.
Okay, don't buy this woman acup of coffee.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
No, don't buy me a cup of coffee, you buy Okay.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
Because you put your heart and soul in this and a lot
of folks don't know how manyhours you can put up here in
your comfortable chair that Ibuilt you yesterday look at you
crying.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
You are crying.
Yes, there's no problem in here, you have.
Well, I'm not everybody's cupof tea.
We have.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
We have.
You're the beauty.
Speaker 2 (39:32):
I'll be the great, yeah yeah, that makes me the
beast.
I have a picture, get some sexylegs.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
Who's a cheerleader?
Speaker 2 (39:44):
No.
It was powder plus football,what it was, what Powder plus
football Football.
Yes, hold on, say that againFootball.
Okay, before he even finishes,I have to tell you he's going to
like his eyes are going to belike that Dr Doodle.
What Last night?
Faith says Dad, why do yousound like whoop, like I don't
(40:04):
even know how she did it.
She imitated you perfectly.
It was so stinking funny.
No, it was hilarious.
I mean, she imitated you soperfectly, it was spot on.
Okay, you're still crying.
So you dressed up one time in acheerleader outfit.
Speaker 1 (40:25):
We're not talking about Supporting the potato
smile.
Speaker 2 (40:29):
Which is us.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
Forget about the dress okay.
Speaker 2 (40:32):
You do have great legs.
You really do.
You rode a lot more than abicycle.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
No way, I think that's the end of our show?
No, it's not.
Bye bye, bye, bye bye, bye, bye, bye, bye bye bye bye, bye bye
bye bye bye bye bye bye bye byebye bye bye bye bye, bye, bye
bye bye bye, bye bye bye, byebye.
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