When Leaving Is the Only Option: A Survival Guide TRIGGER WARNING

Send us a text

Financial abuse remains one of the most powerful yet least understood tactics used by abusers to maintain control. In this raw, emotional conversation, two survivors share their hard-earned strategies for financially preparing to escape dangerous relationships.

The hosts reveal detailed methods that helped them break free—from getting cash back at checkout and removing that portion of receipts, to building reserves through reward programs, gift cards, and couponing. Their advice extends beyond merely saving money to creating comprehensive safety plans, including teaching children emergency protocols and maintaining "grab-and-go" safes with essential documents.

What makes this episode particularly powerful is the authentic vulnerability shared through personal stories. One host reveals the horrifying moment her ex-partner deliberately endangered her infant daughter's life by obstructing her tracheostomy, while another describes preparing end-of-life instructions for her teenage son when she discovered her ex was planning to kill her. These aren't theoretical scenarios but lived experiences that underscore why financial preparation can be life-saving.

The conversation also addresses the judgment survivors often face from those who've never experienced abuse, with a poignant story about confronting a mother who blamed her daughter for staying in an abusive relationship. The comparison between seeking specialized medical care for cancer versus appropriate support for domestic violence survivors resonates deeply.

Whether you're currently planning your exit, supporting someone who is, or simply seeking to understand the complex dynamics of abuse, this episode offers practical wisdom, emotional support, and above all, the reassurance that you are not alone on this journey.

Support the show

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Good afternoon and welcome to another episode of
Narc.
Narc, who's there?
Help, I'm gasping for air.
My ride or die is.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
And.

Speaker 1 (00:09):
I noticed that she's the same glasses.
I do.
They're just not the same color.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
Yeah, these are my actual.
These are my glasses.
Yeah, they're black.
Everything in my life is black,but I love red.
I used to have red ones, but Ilove your red ones.
By the way, everyone, this isour take two of a podcast we
tried yeah, you know it'sinteresting and I said it
yesterday, but I have to say itagain, apparently.

(00:33):
So we're going to talk abouttoday and, just so everyone's
prepared, about just some tips,things that worked for us and
our experiences and our previousrelationship that helped us
prepare to exit, or escape, asthe case may be, but it's

(00:54):
interesting that I made a videoand it was a quick, I think it
was like two minutes, but I waspretty, you know, like on point,
just like throwing it out therefor TikTok, and it was
instantly removed and I don'tknow if it was the keywords or
the content, but it reallypissed me off.
So it was kind of strange, likeif anyone else out there is like
I'm very spiritual and I seesigns and everything, and so

(01:18):
yesterday, like it it's, it'ssunny again today, just like it
was yesterday no weather events,nothing going on, and my
internet was just all wonky andkept freezing up and then the
recording wasn't good, so wecouldn't put out what we
recorded.
So just letting you guys knowthat's where we're at and I'm
like, okay, why is the universenot wanting this message to get

(01:41):
out?
But by God, we're going tothird.

Speaker 1 (01:43):
Time's a charm, yes, it's a bunch of narcissistic
pricks that is trying to stop us.
I just don't realize you don'tmix with the two of us Like
we're fiery feisty.
If you put our chemistry, allyou know, we have the, the
little redhead, and we've gotthe Puerto Rican.

Speaker 2 (01:58):
who doesn't say you know, we got like all of that
and I don't know if you knowthis people are so focused on.
I am half Puerto Rican.
All my grandmas and grandpascame from other countries.
So grandma and grandpa on mom'sside are from Puerto Rico and I
was raised by the Puerto Ricanside.
But my biological father, hismother, is from Germany and his

(02:20):
dad is from Italy and has tiesto the Chicago mob and I'm not
supposed to talk about that.
I'm told.
You know, there's stillFrankie's and Tony's and
Johnny's that show up atweddings and you just don't ask,
don't tell.
But I'm a woman, so I'massuming that, like you're not
supposed to touch the women andchildren, they're left out of it
.
But I don't know.
I just wish I knew them moreback when I was with my ex.

(02:42):
I just wish I knew them moreback when I was with my ex,
right?
Anyway, I better stop talking,all right, I will get a freaking
hit on me.

Speaker 1 (02:48):
So anyway, your grandmother is gorgeous.
She's so cute.

Speaker 2 (02:53):
Oh, one day I'll have to show you though her wedding
picture.
I mean she is cute.
I call her my hot mamacitabecause I mean I just have to
and I love her dearly.
Call her my hot mamacitabecause I mean I just have to
and I love her dearly.
But my god, when she was young,I mean even I was gonna go at
her.
Oh my god, oh my god, was shehot as hell?

(03:18):
Like hot, like seriously, Iwill show you.
And I'm not just saying itcause I'm biased, cause I'm that
person that like, if peopleshow me a picture of a baby and
it's just like Holy shit, likeI'll be, like look at that.
You know, I can't fake it.
I'm not one of those that'sgoing to tell you yeah, no, but

(03:40):
no, she was, and I would loveone one of these days, if, if I
can, you know, get her from thehouse.
I'm not allowed at where shecurrently lives.
I would love to have her onbecause he was married to well,
I don't call him my grandfather,but her husband, my mother's

(04:00):
father, my mother's father.
You want to talk about anarcissist who was also an
alcoholic, very violent, didhorrific I mean horrific things
to my grandma and my mother andmy two uncles.
But my grandma, since I'vewritten my books, she has said

(04:22):
that she really wants to tellher story and I think for her
because she's I'm getting chillsnow, but she just turned 85 a
couple of weeks ago and she justshe thinks, I know, and she
thinks she's going to die soon.
And all this because, you know,she's at that age where she
just thinks that everything'sfine, she doesn't look 85.
No, she doesn't, but she thinksshe's going to die soon.

(04:44):
So it's like really importantfor her to pee.
She wants to feel heard and somaybe sometime we'll have to
have her on.
Otherwise I'm just going tointerview her and put it on
YouTube or something, but thatstories she can tell.
I mean, I know you, your firstmarriage was not exactly a walk
in the park.
Neither was mine.
Yours was much worse, butgrandma went through some.

(05:06):
She went through some seriousshit, like serious crap, I mean.
But this isn't about her today,but we'll have to talk about
having her on.
I would love to and I think itwould be an interesting take.
Just on the generational aspect,you know, just talking about,
you know, being married in, Imean I want to say it was in the
six, was it in the fifties?

(05:27):
Or yeah, it would have been inthe fifties.
I want to say early to midfifties that she got married.
So I don't know it just, uh,times were different then and
you just did as you were told,but she never wanted to marry
him and from the get go, I meanit was just like me from the get
go, but back then it wasdifferent and you stayed with

(05:48):
your husband regardless of that,but there was no authority or
judge or policeman that wasgoing to come help you or save
you and your kids.
So it's really sad what she hadto go through, but it's still
still tormenting her, which youknow.
I think that's why we we haveso many people that listen to us
and sometimes I'm like how, howare people like resonating?

(06:09):
How are so many peopleresonating?
But I think a lot of it has todo with, you know, like we're
Gen X and we're the FAFOgeneration.
We found out now everybody elseis finding out too, but you
know our parents andgrandparents generation totally
different times.
So it's an interesting takethat we should probably, you

(06:32):
know it might help some otherpeople to get perspective.

Speaker 1 (06:37):
That would be awesome .
Well, the reason we had to do aretake as you said, so many
people have asked us for what wedid to help with the financial
preparation of leaving how theycan, because financial control
is so much more than peoplethink it is.

(06:58):
There's so much more to it thanpeople think.

Speaker 2 (07:00):
Financial abuse.
I don't mean to interrupt, butI want to be clear, because we
talk about it but people don'treally understand what it is and
where there is control andmanipulation that's abuse, yes,
and so these are suggestionsthat worked for us.

Speaker 1 (07:21):
These are ideas that have worked for us.
These are things that weimplemented in to help in our
getaway, if you will.
I bet you I probably have 30 to40 people who've asked that.
You know I'm trying now to putthem in groups of what they're
talking about so we can kind ofget it together, but I bet you
we have 500 unanswered questions.

Speaker 2 (07:41):
Honestly, oh my goodness, and I love it.

Speaker 1 (07:44):
I love it because I love that not only because we're
being heard by people who needto be listened to, but they have
a, they have a place they knowthey can go to and and they're
being heard right, that theyknow 100%.
So that is so important for meand I know it is for you that
they they say okay, I have asafe spot, I have a place.

(08:07):
I have so many people that Idon't mention that'll say you
know what?
I just put my ear pods in and Ihave really long hair or I just
you know, and I listen, I justlisten and I don't need to write
in because you guys answerstuff for me.
Anything I can come up withquestion-wise, you guys answer.
And so I get so many people whojust say that and say thank you

(08:28):
, because even after attacks orisolations and control, it's all
abuse, whatever it is, it'sstill abuse that instead of just
withdrawing and suppressing,they listen and they say I'm not
alone.
I'm not alone.
This isn't only happening to me.
So I love that people feel thatthey have a safe place to come

(08:49):
in and hear.
And so, real quick, before wego into that, one of the things
I want to go in and mention thatwe did yesterday was the
academy.
The Podcast Growth Academy has asub academy in it that we
decided to open called the SafeHaven Phoenix Center, and what
that is is it's a safe place.

(09:10):
I went through it alone and hadliterally no one.
Dana has been through hell in ahandbasket and I don't care.
I went out there and compared.
You know what courses arecosting and I've seen them for
200 to $7,000, depending on thecourse, of course.
But I have put out my goal wasonce a week, but now I'm getting

(09:31):
like crazy about it and I'mdoing them daily.
Where in the safe haven sectionof the academy, there's courses
in there to help you with yourhealing journey and it's how to
recognize signs.
Or maybe, even if you're notthe one in it and you think
maybe your sister is or yourfriend is, there's a course in
there that says these are thesigns you need to look for.

(09:53):
This is how you approach yourfriend or your loved one, things
of that nature.
None of the courses in thatacademy will ever be over $4.99,
ever, ever, ever, ever.
Because I know what it's like toleave with nothing and you
can't even get an order ofFrench fries anymore for that,
and if I could do it for free, Iwould.
But they do require that I paysomething and that they do get

(10:19):
something, because the platformitself that I'm using is
insanely expensive for me to usefor that.
So it's $4.99 per class and ifyou write me and say, hey, I
can't afford it, I'll pay it.
You know, I just I don't wantsomeone who needs this not to be
able to access it because ofsome jerk who's taking

(10:42):
everything else from them.
I won't have that.
And then we have the StuccoSquad for your kids.
They're also for special needskids, but the Stucco Squad's
amazing.
It's going to be a VIP, elitemembership.
And I know Dana I don't know ifshe saw yet I just sent her
pictures of our new braceletsfor all of the members.
And the Stucco Squad is an elitemembership for special needs

(11:06):
and survivors of any type ofabuse.
And your kids, your kids evenif, god forbid, they were or
were not, they're stillwitnesses to it.
They're allowed to come in.
There are so many classes inthere to help them realize their
self-worth, that they're valued.
How to handle being bullied,how to handle isolation All of

(11:29):
them just make you feel so goodabout yourself and there are
different age tiers.
It's so much fun.
You go in there and it's aboutbody dysphoria, how to see who
you are and realize that you'renot ordinary, you're
extraordinary, and every one ofthese really make you feel great
about yourself and that, again,is just something out there

(11:50):
that we wanted to put out thereto help people realize that they
are not alone and that we'vebeen asked also to come on lives
in that group and we will.
We will come out there and it'sa safe place, so you are safe.
And when you go and if you docharge it, it will say podcast
growth Academy.
I set it up that way.

(12:10):
So and this leads into thefinancial abuse and financial
control Um, it's set up that ifyou do take a course and it'll
say podcast growth, um, podcastgrowth Academy, because I don't
want it to say safe Haven, andso it won't do that, and so you
won't have to explain that.

Speaker 2 (12:30):
Exactly, cause that's a big part.
And before we do get into themeat of this, just a little
disclaimer we are not suggestingin any way I will never
personally tell somebody toleave their situation, no matter
how bad it is.
You, the person in thesituation, are the only one who

(12:51):
knows if and when it is safe toleave, and I would never.
We do not want you to putyourself in more danger by
taking our suggestions any ofthem, um and putting yourself,
you know, in a situation whereyou're going to face worse or
consequences.
So please know that we aregiving you tips that are things

(13:12):
that we had to, unfortunately,learn by trial and error, by
ourselves, but things that arehelpful for some people
hopefully most of you, more ofyou than not but do know that
you have to decide whether it'ssafe to implement any of these
actionable steps, because wedon't want anybody getting hurt,

(13:37):
literally and figuratively, inany way by anything that we're
suggesting by anything thatwe're suggesting, absolutely,
absolutely.

Speaker 1 (13:48):
So a few of the things that you can do that I've
done is you know, when you goto, say, walmart, and you get
the items necessary I mean, minewas my idiot ex was so specific
, dana, that he would be likeyou're only allowed to get this,
this, this, this and this,right, heaven forbid.
You have to get a box oftampons or maxi pads or
something early just to havethem, and it's not on the list,

(14:09):
right?
So you go and you get all thisand then say you have to get a
box of pads for you or your kidor whatever.
And then when you go to checkout, it says do you want cash
back?
Well, what I would do is Ialways said yes and I've never
took more than $20.
Tear off that bottom part ofthe receipt because I promise
you, when you get home or backto the house because it's not

(14:29):
home they're not going to lookat that.
They're going to look at theitems and they're going to look
at the total.
They're not going to see,because it doesn't show that If
they don't even look at that andthey only look at the
statements that come in from thecard, it's not going to say you
got cash back, it's just goingto say, like Walmart, total 184,
whatever.
So I started doing that and Istarted to put that money in the

(14:51):
SUV.
I had at the time had a like alittle compartment in the
backpack and I would put it inthere.
And I also bought a throwawayphone and I would have an extra
charger in there.
And then I started doing thatand then when I had too much
cash where it was getting toobulky, then little by little,
because I could hide nothing inthe house, nothing.

(15:14):
And so then I started gettinglike a gas card, a gas gift card
, or then I would go and getlike a meal card or another
prepaid visa or things of thatnature and I know we mentioned
this before but say, likesomebody gave us something from
Kohl's and he hated it, oh, go,take it back, I don't want this.

(15:36):
Go get me, go buy me some otherclothes.
This is the only thing you'reallowed to get, right?
So I would take it back toKohl's and I would say you know,
this was the wrong thing.
They gave me a gift card, right, there's no expiration on it.
So I would take that and I'dput it in there, and then I
would take like one of the $20that I had in cash or whatever,
and I'd go to Walmart and getlike a shirt or whatever he

(15:57):
demanded, because they're notgoing to know the difference
Like they don't know if it's aWalmart or a Kohl's or whatever
and then I had that gift cardfor whatever amount.
So when I got out and I andpeople are like, why would I
want a Kohl's gift card?
Okay, thing is, when you leaveif you leave everything else,
because everything else can bereplaced, anything materialistic
can be replaced when you getout, if you choose to leave,

(16:19):
then take that Kohl's gift card,wait till they have a sale,
wait till you can get Kohl'scash back too, because they do
it all the time.
And then you go in there andyou get your new cooking stuff
you need.
You go back in there and youreplace with stuff that you need
you didn't have because youdidn't take it with you, and you
use that card to replenish that.
And those are some of the otherthings that I would do to make

(16:42):
sure and I know you have plentyof ideas.

Speaker 2 (16:44):
We have a lot of, you know ideas, yeah, but I love
that idea, because I mean evenpeople that would say, oh well,
you know my kid and I becauseand you have to think about your
kids too, obviously but let'sjust say that you get to leave
with all your clothes and allyour stuff and everything you
ever wanted.
The thing is a lot of, a lot ofthe a lot of the time, more of

(17:05):
the time than not, I have peoplethat come to me and say, well,
I don't know how I'm going tosustain things.
I don't know how I'm going toafford to be able to give my
kids Christmas those gift cards,those that cash that lets you
go back and buy every.
Maybe they're not going to get,as the kids won't get as much
as they usually do, but you cango buy them a birthday gift, a

(17:25):
Christmas gift or just to.
If your kid's invited to abirthday party and now you're
living in a shelter or something, at least your kid doesn't have
to carry the shame ofeverything else that's happening
, that they can go to thebirthday party because you were
able to buy a small gift forthat kid.
You know, it's just sustainingall these little details of life

(17:48):
that we're not normallyconcerned with and that really
don't matter.
But when you have kidsespecially because, like you and
me, like I don't care if I wearthe clothes on my back the rest
of my days, like I know I'll befine I can get new clothes, I
can get food you know there'senough food, pantries and
churches and helpful good peoplein this world, there's shelters

(18:10):
.
You get your basic necessities.
But when you have kids, kidsdon't necessarily know how to
process.
Especially, you know that kindof trauma that it's just more
traumatic for them to go toschool in the same clothes or
the shoes with the holes in themor clothes that's too small or
not be able to go to thebirthday party because they
don't have a gift to give.
So it's always really helpfulto have that extra.

(18:33):
And, like me, I there was neveranything in the account that
was extra that I could take Evengroceries was.
You know, I was a huge couponor huge like every ad, the Aldi,
the Jewel and the Kroger.
I would circle and I would planthe meals around that and kind
of recycle stuff from each meal,all the leftovers and other

(18:54):
stuff.
You figure it out.
But one of the things I didjust throwing another idea
that's similar to this was just.
You know, for Christmas, ifgrandma or an uncle or whatever
sent money, five bucks, 20 buckssome people like I did have a
job at that time that there werecash tips especially around
Christmas.
Hallelujah and amen.

(19:14):
I was very blessed at Christmas.
Everybody was very generous.
I socked that money away andthis is a good time to talk
about what the the biggest thingthat I I always say.
I know you said you couldn'thide stuff in your house and not
everybody can.
I'm actually surprised I didn'tget found out.
But for $50, you can get acentury safe at Walmart

(19:38):
fireproof, waterproof, becausethat is important, because you
never know with these people.
And it literally is handheld.
It looks like it's like thesize of a purse, I would say
like maybe roughly 10 by 12,something like that, maybe six,
seven inches thick.
So easy enough that I call it agrab and go All of your, your

(20:01):
important documents, your socialsecurity cards, gift
certificates, birth certificates, but gift certificates or not
gift certificates, birthcertificates, but gift
certificates too, all the cash.
Another big thing I got that Iput in there was I got a jumbo
like storage drive, a jump drive, that I downloaded from my
phone and computer all the footlike.
So I wouldn't have to worryabout never having the photos of

(20:23):
my son growing up, any taxdocuments, any statements from
any accounts.
Everything that I could wasdownloaded on that jump drive
and I regularly put stuff onthere, kept that in the safe,
because that way if I everneeded again to grab and go, as
you said and I told my ex in thedivorce, I can buy a new TV, I

(20:47):
can buy new clothes.
I don't care if he kept mypanties and held everything.
He could have my damn car, Idon't care.
I can make more money and getnew stuff.
I just want my kid myself safe,alive and the hell out.
So a grab and go, because younever know, sometimes you get
that opportunity like literallyyou might need to run, but like

(21:10):
I know somebody that literallysaid it was the middle of the
night and she had to throwwhatever she could in the
laundry basket and she had threekids.
So you know it's something thatrequires planning.
But if you have that grab andgo and you know where it is not,
the only thing is to keep thekey somewhere that it's never
going to be found, because ifthey find that little safe,

(21:31):
that's one thing, but hopefullyyou can hide it somewhere where
they won't find it.
But if they do, you don't wantthem to be able to get into it.
So just make sure with the keyand I never usually talk about
where I leave the key, but Ihave suggested to people put it
somewhere they will never go.
For example, you know, men don'tusually want to mess with your

(21:52):
tampons for some reason, eventhough they're wrapped in
plastic individually in the pinkbox, they just like freak out.
If they have oh my God, it's atampon, hide it in the bottom of
, you know, underneath thetampons or something somewhere
like that, nowhere obvious.
I happened to have an animal ina tank.

(22:13):
I don't like to be specificabout things, but I hid my key
under the water bowl in thattank and if anyone wanted to go,
I mean, who the hell wouldthink?
I mean, go, just decide youwant a pet snake if you don't
have something, and go get atank and put the snake in there
and put the key under the waterbowl.

(22:35):
I'm just saying like it's notan obvious place, but just make
sure, or give it to some.
If there's one person that youknow that you can absolutely a
hundred million percent trust.
Make sure that they know whereit is, or even give it to them,
right.
But you also want to be able toaccess what's in it, so make

(22:55):
sure it's somebody.
That's not far.

Speaker 1 (22:57):
Yeah, and there's several other things.
I started backing up my vehicleall the time, so if I had to
get out very quickly, I could.
Also because there were timeshe would block me in and if he
blocked me in by doing a cattycorner or whatever, you have a
much easier time trying to getout if you're already facing the

(23:18):
right direction than trying toreverse, and it takes a lot
longer, a lot longer.
I did have one of the ladieswrite in and say that she
actually kept a spare key, thatshe got a storage unit and her
storage unit she put in herfriend's name, um, and the only

(23:41):
key she had.
She taped it to the back, theback side of a blade on the fan
oh, that's a good place to hide.
That's genius, because you can'tsee the back of a fan blade
right?

Speaker 2 (23:57):
Well, not only can you not see it, but I ran a
housekeeping business for manyyears, and let me tell you,
nobody cleans their damn fans,except for me, apparently, I do.
Nobody's going to go up there,though, and certainly not you
know somebody, Nobody.
I love that.
You know somebody, nobody.
I love that, though, becausenobody would ever think those
are the places Like I.

(24:18):
It was funny when my son and Imoved and total aside, but just
another idea when my son and Imoved in here with my current
husband, my husband had to go dosomething in the basement.
My son decided he wanted theprivate bedroom and bathroom in
the basement.
My son decided he wanted theprivate bedroom and bathroom in
the basement, like having hisown apartment down there.
Anyway, my husband like moved atile you know the, what do you

(24:41):
call them, the drop ceiling,moved a tile in the drop ceiling
and cause he had to access somepipes and he found like a
rubber band and a lot of moneythat there was like $1,500.
And it just.
He comes up to me, he goes whywas this in the ceiling?
And I'm like I took it rightaway.
I said I know you came from anice family and your first

(25:04):
marriage wasn't like that.
But my son and I have had to dostupid shit like this, but it's
not stupid.
And I was like this isbrilliant.
I love that my son learned.
Yes, I certainly didn't tellhim a lot of this stuff, but
even he knew.
In our house with his dad wehad to watch a lot of things,

(25:26):
and so I loved that he was soresourceful that he thought to
move the ceiling tile and thedrop ceiling and hide money up
there just in case.
But only my husband would bethe one to find it because he's,
you know, very tall and andlarge and just goes and well,
he's a builder, that's what hedoes.
But but it's another place youcan hide a key.

(25:48):
I mean, imagine if you taped itto the other side of a drop
ceiling tile that like, even ifit was moved, nobody would know
it was there.
That's a great idea.

Speaker 1 (26:00):
Yeah, absolutely.
And even for the tampons, liketake the tampons and you know,
take the thing out and use theapplicator and put money in it.
You know they're not going to.

Speaker 2 (26:09):
Yeah, or even in pads , like, especially like if you
get, like the bigger ones, theovernight pads, you could always
just open it, like, just haveone that, like you never use,
obviously, but open it and stickstuff in there.
You could stick and then foldit back up and stick it and put
it right back in the box, causenobody's going to go opening a
bunch of maxi pads thinking thatthere's money or keys to safes

(26:33):
in there.
But men don't touch that kindof stuff and we're not excluding
you.
You know, you men out therethat might be in the opposite
situation with a woman oranother man, as the case may be,
but you know we're talkingabout tampons.
But maybe there's stuff thatmen have that you know.
They know that their partner isnot going to touch for whatever
reason, has no businesstouching, would never suspect.

(26:56):
Those are the places you wantto hide stuff.

Speaker 1 (26:59):
Right, and it's not just that.
You know I hate to say it and Iknow firsthand maxi pads are
fantastic things to keep on handbecause they stop bleeding more
than you have any idea.
Like they are fantastic forthat and I'm sorry you even know
that.
But yeah, you know, I used tokeep a ton of them.
Another thing I used to do andwe again we had discussed this
before is is my I can't say my,I hate saying my anything idiot

(27:24):
had severe OCD and so he had tohave three of everything, didn't
matter have it.
So I would take, you know, likebody wash, like you know how
long does a guy's huge body wash?
Months.
So what I would do, instead ofbuying it, is that I would take

(27:45):
one when it was empty and Iwould fill it with, or when it
was like 95 empty, I'd fill itwith water and put it in the
back of his extra supply.
So there'd always be three fullready to go, plus the one in
the shower.
So then I would fill it withwater and I would do it, you
know, when I knew, because thenI knew I have so much back

(28:06):
supply so I could get out andthen I wouldn't have to go and
spend that money.
You know, another thing that awriter told me not a writer, but
a survivor told me, and I wouldlove for people to write in and
give tips you know is that sheused to go and get coupons in
the mail out things that get inthe mail.
You know they give coupons inthe mail where it's like kids

(28:27):
eat free on Tuesdays.
She would go and get, you know,she'd go on a Tuesday and take
the kids to eat with the abusiveguy and then, like Olive Garden
had, buy one, take one homedays, and she would do that and
then she would have enough foodto take care of the kids when
she's getting ready to leave.
Like that's what she said shedid for like the week before.

(28:49):
Is that you know?
She had the thing for the kidsalways take the coupons.
She said I used to find placesthat you know kids eat free on
these days.
I'd go frequent those placesand she said, in, there she goes
.
I would normally not even eator I'd eat just, you know, one
of the sides and I would takethe food home and that would be
the next meal.
So I knew they were going toeat Right.

Speaker 2 (29:10):
And that's exactly it Saving the money.
If you don't mind meinterrupting, but this is
something that I think is reallyimportant because, for me, the
couponing and, like you said,with the meals, my son, as he
got older, like as he got to be13, 14, he was a big boy, you
know, starting high school hestill didn't understand why if

(29:33):
we, if we were eating out, why Iwould get the $4.99 kids meal
at Culver's, because I'm gettingthe same hamburger or
cheeseburger or whatever chickentenders.
I'm getting the same fries,getting a drink, and you get
that coupon for the free icecream in the back and the two of
us can split all that.
He loved root beer floats.
I'd get a root beer and takethe ice cream, dump it in there.

(29:55):
There you go.
Here's half the burger, here'shalf the fries.
I'll eat the other half for$4.99.
You cannot feed two people evenat a grocery store buying stuff
.
But the coupons I mean I wentlike I fortunately had a
housekeeping business where andthis sounds a little nutty but
like I would go in people'srecycling and like if they had

(30:18):
the Sunday paper or somethingwhere all the coupons were in, I
would take theirs.
I mean, sometimes I'd have bythe end of the week 10 different
.
You know the same coupons but10 of the same.
And if you learn in your areawhere you live, a lot of the
time they will run sales incongruence with the coupon so

(30:39):
that you're getting that.
You know whatever, that frozenpizza, that's now five for 10
and you've got coupons for $5off if you buy 10 and now
they're like practically free.
You know, you, you got to workall that stuff.
My son got to the point wherehe saw what I was doing, you
know, coming home with piles ofpeople's coupons, and he would

(31:00):
come home and be like, oh, theteacher, you know, threw these
in the garbage.
Mom, I brought them for you andbring me the coupons.
Or he'd be at his friend'shouse and say, oh, I asked them
if they were using their couponsor if he would say so, you know
, make it a thing.
I mean, we made it kind of agame, you know, to go through
the sale ads, see what we hadcoupons for, and you know it

(31:22):
helps to save that money.
So, like what you were sayingin the beginning, that when you
take okay, if you're saving 20bucks today in coupons, take
that 20 bucks cash and stock it.
Now you have saved, nobody'squestioning it, the food is
there, everything's provided.
But also when you do get out,these are the things you still
need to implement because, yeah,you can live on ramen noodles,

(31:44):
you can go to the food shelter,you can go to the churches and
there's no shame in that.
I've been to the food pantrybefore and in our area I
actually love my, my formerpriest.
He started what we call micropantries, which they're?
They kind of look like kitchencupboards, but they're stationed
outside certain places, likethere's one right outside the
chiropractor's office, there'sone outside the post office,

(32:07):
there's one outside of where youpay your sewer and water bill.
They're just everywhere andpeople can come anytime, 24-7,
any day.
They're not locked or anything.
You can go, donate and putstuff in there and anytime you
need to go you can pull stuffout.
And so if your community doesn'thave something like that, start
it.
The libraries love that stuff.

(32:28):
People always want to docommunity outreach, but it's
amazing because there's no shame.
Then if you don't have to worryabout oh, I'm working on the
day they're doing food pantry,you go in there.
There's always boxes ofspaghetti and macaroni and sauce
and cereal and oatmeal packetsand whatever.
That's what it's there for.

(32:48):
It's there to get you throughthe tough times, so don't be
ashamed.
But if there's not somethinglike that in your area, start it
because, believe me, you mightneed it someday for yourself.

Speaker 1 (32:59):
Right.
Another thing I did and Ididn't put it in who kicked
first?
I didn't write it in thereCause, just like you, there's so
much we could have added.
We didn't.
And what I would do and this isa, this is a double play is say
, for instance, like he loved acertain brand of, say, french
fries, right, so they werefrozen French fries.

(33:22):
So what I would do is, when hehad the ones that he liked, I
saved the bag and then I wouldgo to the store the next time
and I would buy the cheapest NASand I put them in the bag.
In the bag, and then I hadplastic tape ties.
You know that you could justgrab the bag and tap it.

(33:42):
And he would always say why arethese brand new bags already
clipped?
And I made up the answer.
I don't know how I got awaywith it and I was like, oh, it
was just so it would be easierto open.
And you know I use thepregnancy brain and I was like
it's just easy to open and itmakes it quick when you're
hungry.
And you know, because, like hisfood couldn't touch Nothing,

(34:04):
could touch each other, like hissalad had to have three
radishes, it had to have this.
I said I had to have that Likeso the three is weird.

Speaker 2 (34:12):
You know my grandma, it's actually a spiritual, it's
an island thing like a myth, butbad things happen in threes.
So the three thing is just.
It's kind of ironic to me Justsaying Huh.

Speaker 1 (34:25):
But he would say why?
Why is this?
You know, why are my frenchfries already open?
They're brand new.
And I was like, well, justbecause if you told me I needed
to make them right away, I couldmake it right away.
And another reason I did thatwas because I just bought, like
that, 89 cents expire tomorrow.
Throw it in last call frozenfrench fries which I'm not going

(34:47):
to eat.
In the bag of the name brandthat's like 10 times more
expensive.
And I clip it because I don'twant the knife, I don't want it
around.
My ex stabbed me over a dozentimes.
I don't want that knife out, soI actually pulled the knife.
I have obviously the scar.
I pulled a knife out of my ownchest where he stabbed me and I
took it out pregnant.

(35:08):
So I did everything I could notto need knives like ever.
And so this was one of thethings that I did.
And then you do that, you know,with more and more stuff.
I did it with orange juice, Idid it with like lunch meat.
I would keep the container andthen you know he wouldn't let me
eat the good stuff anyway.
So I would do this with hisstuff, and then he normally

(35:30):
realized what it would cost atthe grocery.
Like he was like oh, this iswhat it's, you know, normal
around was.
And then let's say it was 150.
Well, I saved all that money bygoing generic and I had coupons
for generic.
So sometimes it would be like ahundred dollars off.
Well, I wouldn't get the cashback because I was nervous about
that.
I'd get a hundred dollar giftcard and he wouldn't know.

(35:52):
And then if he looked at thestatements he would see, okay,
she went to Kroger and it was,you know, there's a normal price
, right.
And then he never questioned it.
And that was another, anotherway that you could do it as well
, and what we'd also talkedabout.
I want to make sure we cover.
We had so many great tipsyesterday.
Another thing is, first of all,go get yourself a new email
account.

(36:12):
Right, just go get a whole newemail account.
You can do things like I haveGetUpside and you go up there
and when you go to get gas, goto your GetUpside, it says, oh,
go to this gas station, it givesyou 18 cents back a gallon and
it goes and stays in an account.
So once you hit I think it'stwenty dollars or whatever it'll

(36:34):
say do you want it paypal?
Do you want it in a gift card?
How do you want it?
Then they don't know.
And you've got to get gas, soyou use to get upside.
Another thing I do is I use umthe racket and I use retail me
not, and especially when thingsare on sale and you get ten
dollars back or fifteen dollarsback or fifteen percent or
whatever the case is, that alladds up, you know, leave it
alone and then you have nothingto worry about.

(36:55):
When it comes to I just left.
How am I going to affordChristmas for my kids?
Because we'll go without.
We're used to it, we do it, wedon't mind.
But your kids, you know that wehave this mindset, they've been
through enough.
We don't want to do that.
So that?
So you have all that also tofall back on, which is so
important to realize that youhave that you know you had just

(37:17):
the smartest idea getting yourcredit card.

Speaker 2 (37:19):
Yeah, getting the credit card.
I want to add real quick on towhat you just said, though,
because I think it's important,like the get upside and all that
.
There are so many rewardspoints programs out there, and I
know people are like, ohthere's so many and they're all
scams or whatever.
They're not all scams.
I know people who do the getupside.
My thing is look at your basicthings that you need and make

(37:43):
sure you can have access to them.
Why not?
If you're going to spend themoney, why not get stuff free?
Gas is a big thing, food is abig thing.
That's why I like I lovecouponing, and I don't know a
lot of grocery stores, at leastout here, have like one day a
week where there's one free item.

Speaker 1 (38:00):
And my.

Speaker 2 (38:00):
Thing is like I will take one free and if I don't
even need it or use it, I willput it in those you know the
micro pantry that we have sothat somebody else might be able
to use it.
Who has been in that situation?
But the thing is, takeadvantage of the points.
For me, and some people mightbe out there that have the

(38:21):
similar program, because it'soffered across the country, it's
called Scrip and my son did goto a private school, but public
schools use it too, and it's away that you buy gift cards and
a percentage of like let's say,a $10 Culver's gift card.
A dollar of that $10 gift cardwould go to pay my son's tuition

(38:43):
, towards his tuition.
So I'm getting $10 of Culver'sfor $9, basically, or I'm
getting tuition.
However you look at it, I would.
I mastered that program andthat's how I would use some of
my cash to buy the gift cards.
I would have a reloadable shellgas card that I would get gas.
I would get Visa gift cardsjust the generic ones to buy

(39:06):
whatever I need and to buy stuffthat I didn't want him to know
I was buying online or whateverlike, like the $50 safe from
Walmart.
But use these programs and oneof them yeah, I would say a
credit card.
There was one credit card I gotthat.
It literally and they're stilloffering it, is it?
It's I think it's capital onewhere you get the card and your

(39:31):
first $500 that you charge on it.
You literally get 200 cash back.
That is, 200 free dollars, andmy thing is I will charge.
Well now, I charge the gas, Icharge the electric bill, I
charge the car insurance,whatever everything.
I want the cash back and it'sfree.

(39:54):
But my thing that I did, that Italked about yesterday, was in
my safe.
I got a card that I actuallydid not use.
It was a blank slate, it wasfor whatever amount of money,
but I kept it in my safe becausethat way I always knew that,
even if I walked out of thehouse with nothing in that safe,
I had that credit card.

(40:14):
I could charge a hotel room fora night or a month, whatever I
had to.
I could go and charge food.
I could get us clothes if weneeded.
I could get us whatever weneeded, even if just temporarily
, because I had a credit card.
And I know credit cards I don'tlike them, I don't like having
debt.
But you know what, when timesare desperate, you've got to do

(40:36):
it.
You can pay it back.
You'll make the money back,you'll figure it out.
But when you need something,right now, that credit card is
magic Blank slate.
Get it only in your name.
Don't add any other uses, don'teven mention your spouse or
your partner.
Get it in your name, keep itput away.
Don't charge a damn thing on it.
Make sure it's activated.
That's a key.

(40:57):
But always have that.
But don't be shy about anyrewards programs.
I mean, I still do rewardsprograms now because it's just
the way it is.
My, my husband being a builder,he's at Menards like literally
multiple times a day.
It's kind of funny.
But he always gets the 11% back, you know, and they add up.

(41:19):
I have a card right now.
I have a I forget what card itis.
I have a United card that getsme miles that if I needed to get
on an airplane to get to mygodmother in Florida, I can get
to the airport and get to mygodmother in Florida.
I have a card right now too,that everything I charge on it I
get a certain percentage backand I use it for Amazon.

(41:43):
So I constantly anything I needfrom Amazon and I do buy.
Like you know, I love mycoconut waters and my oatmeal
and whatever.
Like I mean honestly, I love mycoconut waters and my oatmeal
and whatever I mean, honestly,shampoo, whatever you need you
can get on Amazon, sometimes forcheaper than the store.
Yeah, but my rewards points areon there.
It'll say, oh, you have $114 inrewards points.

(42:03):
Well, that's fantastic becauseI need crap.
So, and you're not paying forit because you have the points.
So whatever you can takeadvantage of for free, do not be
shy.
And I love the restaurant ideabecause that is a really big one
.
A lot of restaurants do do thatand I will argue.
I took my son to a Pizza Hutpizza buffet when he was little

(42:24):
and he took way too much, ofcourse, and there was some left
and I asked for a takeoutcontainer you know for the
leftovers and they were like, oh, you can't do that.
I said the hell, I can't.
It's on his plate, you're goingto throw it in the trash or I
can take it home and feed himanother meal and I'm taking it
home.
So you can either give me acontainer or it's going to go in
my purse with probably two ofyour plates because I'll want to

(42:48):
sandwich them together.
But yeah, I got my takeoutcontainer, but you got to do
what you got to do and don't beshy and don't be ashamed.
Ashamed about it either.
We all have to.
Nobody knows what yourcircumstances are, nor is it
their business, but there'snothing to be ashamed of.
Everybody's got to survive andyou got to do what you got to do
.

Speaker 1 (43:07):
Yeah, another thing is do not, if you get your own
credit card, like she suggested,which is really smart do not if
you get your own credit card,like she suggested, which is
really smart.
Do not get statements sent tothe house like, go ahead and
start getting electronicstatements.
Set everything up to beelectronic, because that way
when you do move, you're gonnahave to give them a new address.
It can't be.
You can't be tracked, um,that's really important.

(43:28):
You know, if you get athrowaway phone, you don't have
to give them any information,right, and so that's a big thing
.
Make sure you turn yourlocation off.
There are so many things thatare tedious, like I literally
have written.
I can't even tell you how muchstuff to just to prepare even

(43:48):
the home, like I took.
I used to get hit with a metaluh hairbrush, and so I went to
the dollar store and got aplastic one.
You know it's gonna happen.
Make the sting a little less.
You know, I mean, and it was adollar, right, and then just a
lot of times they don'trecognize it.
If we had a glass, like q-tipjar, um, he would throw the

(44:11):
glass jar at me.
Well, I went to the dollarstore, I got the plastic one.
You know what it adds up.
I mean it does make adifference.
These are things that you cando.
I started to like have a garagesale Go through and tell him,
say we're just going to get ridof stuff, and he's going to want
the money.
But guess what?

(44:32):
You can start going throughthings and say do I absolutely
have to have this?
Do I get this away?
Can I throw this away Like I?
Literally you know in whokicked first.
I went through the specifics ofI used to take trash bags full
of stuff that I didn't need butI damn sure wasn't going to
leave him and I would take it.

(44:53):
It would get ready for a garagesale and I would take it and go
throw it away at a dumpsterbehind a grocery store.
So he would have no idea.
And guess what?
If you're backing up to thegarage, how are they going to
know anyway?
Right, if he's not there andyou're putting the stuff in
there and you just run it to thestore, when you go to the
grocery store, throw it in theback of a dumpster somewhere,
then you're getting rid of stuff.

(45:14):
I mean, that was stuff I wanted, but I didn't need and I wasn't
gonna let him have.
So I'd rather have the trashhabit right.
So I threw that stuff away.
You go through things, take whatyou absolutely have to have.
You know there were things thatI'll never get back, and that's
okay.
But what I wanted more thananything with the memories of my
grandparents and one of thethings that this Jack did is he

(45:36):
would rip up the pictures of mewith my grandparents.
I can't replace them.
There's nothing I can do.
I couldn't replace them.
So I actually started to takethem, make copies of them and
put the copy in the frame andthen take the pictures and put
those in my safe deposit box.
And so if he you know, if heripped them, he wouldn't take it

(45:58):
out of the frame.
He break the frame.
You know there was some I couldnever recover and you know
there's things I couldn't doabout that.
But people were like how do youget so methodical with these
ideas, like I had so many people?
How did you get like such in amindset place where you thought
of all of these tedious things?
Well, I was.
I was pregnant and you know youclear the, the, the walkways,

(46:21):
you clear anything from thesteps because you want to make
sure there's nothing he can grabat that moment and injure you
with.
You know it's like.
Make sure, if you know it'sgoing to happen, get into a safe
spot.
There's no real safe spot, butdon't get in a corner.
Whatever you do, don't get in acorner and don't have your kid.

(46:41):
Try to be the knight in shiningarmor and be close to say get
in your room, turn up your music.
You want to save me, stay inthe room, because it's only a
matter of time before they go tothe kids.
I don't care what anybody says.
I'm talking personally.
I'm talking professionally.
I'm telling you that animalsare subject to this harm.
That's going to be a matter oftime and you literally just try

(47:06):
to make sure you're not near anyfurniture because that can be
used against you.
Try to make sure you're notnear any furniture because that
can be used against you.
I made sure stuff wasn't on thestairs.
I never wore necklaces anymore.
He made me wear his dog tagsevery day because he would choke
me with them.
I used to be the cute pregnantwoman in a suit where I would

(47:26):
wear a tie, and then you knowhere's Faith.
Every once in a while you seethe little tie kick.
You know I loved it, but when Iwould get back to the house I
didn't have the tie on, like Ididn't, and a lot of times I
wore it because I was coveringbruises on my neck anyway.
But you think about things ofthat nature like do not have

(47:47):
anything in a glass jar, youknow, because he would throw
stuff all the time, I wouldchange it into, you know plastic
bottles.
And if they said like, he wouldsay why are you doing this?
Where did my glass bottle go?
Why is this not here anymore?
Well, I got.
You know you can go to thedollar store, you can go to

(48:07):
Family Dollar, you can gowherever and get kind of
decorative, you know whatever,even if it's not glass and it's
not plastic, it's more of thatrubbery stuff, and you make it a
little more.
You know decorative.
You could say I'm just tryingto make your house your house,
because it was never ours.
You make your house more.

(48:27):
You know homely for you.
I'm trying to make things lookbetter for you.
I'm just trying to make youhappy, right?
What you're doing is you'resaving your life.
You're keeping glass away fromhim or her, whatever the case
may be.
So you get things that can't bethrown at you and you get things
that aren't going to cut you.
You know it's going to berubber or plastic instead, but
they're cute and they'redecorative and they're at the

(48:48):
dollar store or whatever.
But you know you wait one time.
It only takes once.
Where you get something thrownat you.
I had a beer thrown at me.
The glass cut me.
The alcohol on top of the brandnew cut does not feel good at
all.
You know, yeah, you can't takea beer and put it into a glass,
you know, into a plastic unlessthey have a can.

Speaker 2 (49:09):
But there are other, many other things can do to to
try and make this as tolerableas possible at that point and
and unfortunately I don't wantanyone to feel bad either,
because at one point I feltguilty, because I thought, oh my
god, I'm, I'm beingmanipulative like, I'm acting
like a narcissist, but no,you're acting like a mom I

(49:30):
remember saying he, he turned meinto this.
I had to be to survive.
But one thing I want to add towhat you just said.
So when my son was two yearsold is about when I realized we
need to get the hell out.
We didn't get out until he was17, unfortunately.
But bad decisions, a few baddecisions along the way on my

(49:54):
part, but we're okay now andthat's all that matters.
Emergency phone to teach yourchild to dial 9-1-1.
And I, we would play in hisplayroom and I would play with

(50:17):
him, you know, letting him dial9-1-1, and it didn't take very
long.
You'd be surprised how quicklythey learn.
But I made sure he knew mine,my legal name, my actual name,
not mommy, but my name, mommyRight, exactly Like isn't that
everybody's name?

Speaker 1 (50:36):
I made sure he knew our address very clearly,
succinctly, saying it, our phonenumber it is so important to
have that information and forour kids to know it as well is

(50:58):
that is critical mommy is hurtor my daddy, my daddy is mean to
my mommy right now, I need youto come immediately.

Speaker 2 (51:06):
So, right, um, that was something that was important
.
And then I went further thanthat I use.
I told my ex at the time.
I said, oh well, every year wegot to make sure that they get
the guy at school, the firedepartment that comes in and
says, oh, have an escape plan,and all that, and you know what.
It's actually a good idea, notnecessarily just for fire, but

(51:27):
in case mommy gets hurt.
And so that's what I would dowith my son when we would play
at home.
I made sure he knew he had alittle stepstool that he could
get up, unlatch the window, openit up.
He had a main floor bedroom andhe had very clear instructions
and I and I mean I, it was veryhard.
There were a lot of tearssometimes, but I would, I would,

(51:49):
over time, train him that evenif mommy is not, I would say, if
mommy is sleeping on the flooror if daddy hurt mommy, or if
daddy got hurt too, it doesn'tmatter, because I have to be
fair, but I taught him how toput his little step stool,
unlatch the one window, lift itup, jump.
And I told him exactly whosehouse to go to.

(52:10):
And the bang.
I said I don't care if it's themiddle of the night, you do not
go help mommy, you do not givemommy hugs, you do not go to
daddy.
If you hear mommy screaming,you get out of this house and
you go run to that neighbor andyou pound on the door and you
have them call 911.
And and I mean he was two yearsold when I started this and

(52:30):
that's a disgusting thing tohave to go through with a
two-year-old.
You're going to make me startcrying now too, but these are
the things.
And even when my son was 17 andwe were still there when I
actually found out that my exwell, he was in fact actually
planning to kill me I startedgetting my finances in order as

(52:53):
far as like making sure my lifeinsurance that my son was the
only beneficiary, my bankaccounts.
You do have to actually go tothe bank and sign forms to say
who has the right to the money,otherwise it goes.
Most States it'll go directlyto the spouse.
That was probably the toughestfew days of my life and I even

(53:16):
made a binder and I still haveit to this day where I wrote a
note to my son.
Oh, this is where the tearscome.
I just said what I had to sayto him.
But in there also, I told himyou know, here's the attorney
that you're going to call.
This is a judge that I know,that is a good friend that

(53:39):
you're going to call your here'smommy's.
You know well, mommy, he's 17,.
But here's the few people that.
These are the people that aregoing to help you with this
stuff.
I assigned a friend that I.
She's been one of my bestfriends for over 30 years and I
trust her literally with my life.
I assigned her as, basically,you know, the, not the

(53:59):
beneficiary for the trustee orwhatever, but until he turns 18
and and you know, witheverything, and I did all this
without my ex knowing um,because we were at that point
divorce had been filed.
But you know, until it actuallyhappens, you're still legally
married and there are lawsallowing them to get things like

(54:21):
life insurance and all that Um.
But I think it's reallyimportant, because stuff I don't
care about, but that I I justfigured if he's going to
actually kill me, if I'm goingdown, I'll be damned if he's
going to get.
Kill me if I'm going down.
I'll be damned.
If he's going to get a penny.
If he thinks he's going to gobuy a shiny new Mustang or
something with my life insurancemoney, the hell he is.
The joke would have been on him.

(54:43):
So get your finances in order.
It does not cost anything to dothis stuff.
You just have to sign a lot ofpaperwork and fill out a lot of
forms.
This stuff, you just have tosign a lot of paperwork and fill
out a lot of forms.
But that binder, like I said, Iactually made for my son and I
put in the insert.
It was called the.
I just said if I die and Istill have it to this day,

(55:03):
because you never know, andfortunately if I die now, it
won't be at the hands of amonster Hallelujah and amen.
But it's still, I think, a goodthing to have because,
especially if you have minorchildren or even if you just
have somebody that you're tryingto get away from or keep this
with the person that you'retrusting with your stuff, to say

(55:38):
here to your kids here'sletters from your mom, or if you
make a video and put it on ajump drive for your kid.
But I think it's important tothink about doing that stuff.
It's heart-wrenching, but do itwhile you're here and while
you're of sound mind and whileyou're thinking about it, and if
you have alone time, get thatstuff in order.
Get it in order because yourkids, if they lose you, they

(56:03):
don't need to deal with thehassle, nor does anybody of you
know all the legalities ofeverything.

Speaker 1 (56:10):
Right, I really think we also need to do an episode
on that.
The you know those things andyou brought this up, so this is
going to be on you.
But there are so many differentavenues that people don't know
about, and it's some of this isin my.
Who Kicked First the memoir,the first book.
Dana has not read it, myhusband has not read it.

(56:32):
Now Faith is begging me to readit and I'm like absolutely not.
No, no, no, no.
It is the memory of you knowwhat I went through pregnant and
there, for instance, hergodmother God rest her soul
passed away was a doctor and shewas there through part of this.
You know, once Faith was bornand she read this and she said I

(56:55):
triple locked my doors, Icouldn't sleep.
This was a redheaded Italianwoman who went to court with me.
You know she had no issue andshe was like the horror of it.
But there are things peopledon't know.
For instance and this is just Iwrote a letter to Faith
pregnant and after the fact, incase, I passed.

(57:18):
And you know, there was amoment when I did not know we
were going to be released fromthe NICU at that point in time,
and so we had no choice.
Choice.
I had just gotten out of awheelchair, I was still trying
to, I was not weight-bearing onmy left leg after being kicked

(57:38):
across the room, and so we hadno choice.
We went back and we had nursingand everything else.
She had a tracheostomy, she hada feeding tube, she had epilepsy
, she had the list was ongoing.
And one morning and I to thisday hold myself to this and I
fault myself, I'm so angry.

(57:59):
It was an open concept areawhere the dining room and the
den and the kitchen were like,really, you know, open, and
insurance of course doesn't giveyou a ton of supplies.
And so she had just finishedher overnight feeding and I
stayed up with her around theclock.
I was not going to sleep and Iwent in and she, I brought her

(58:19):
in to with all of her stuff intothe den and she had an apnea
belt on has its own alarm.
She had a pulse ox probe on itsown alarm and had the settings
up very high so I'd have plentyof reaction time.
A tracheostomy individual isnot audible unless they have a
pasty mirror valve cap on, soshe's not able to cry or I can't

(58:42):
hear my own kid.
So she has feeding tube.
So her bag had finished and shewas on what they call boluses,
so like every few hours she'dget food in it and insurance
didn't supply us enough bags soI had to constantly go wash
through it.
So I looked at her.
She was fine, everything wasgreat.
Her apnea was on, her pulse oxwas on, everything was on, all

(59:05):
the monitors and machines werearound her.
She was in like a littlebassinet thing.
I walked, I unhooked the bag,closed the feeding tube on her
and I went to the kitchen,turned on the water just to
clean the bag.
That's all I did.
I made sure everything was onhigh alarm rates so I had plenty

(59:29):
of time.
And I hear in this exact tone,in this exact volume she's blue.
That's what I hear.
She's blue.
And the reason I say this andthis is a trigger, please,
trigger warning.
But you'll understand why I'mtelling this story and as I get
and I had the water going andall I was doing was cleaning out

(59:50):
the bag and pushing through, Iwas kibosh in the bag with water
and I turned off the water andI look and she's lifeless.
She's completely lifeless.
I run over there and Iimmediately grabbed the phone.
Grabbed the cell phone becauseI wasn't allowed to have a home
landline because then hecouldn't see who I was calling
and I dialed 911.

(01:00:10):
I didn't even think, I justreacted and I hear a gun cocked
to my head and I immediatelywould not drop the phone and I
said my daughter is notbreathing, she's tracheostomy

(01:00:32):
dependent.
And I kept saying his name overand over, out loud, like his
legal name, and I kept sayingdon't just stand there, go open
the door, don't just stand there.
And I couldn't say he had a gunon me because he would have
pulled the trigger.
And I said go open the door,they're on their way.
Go open the door, they're ontheir way.
And I had an emergency bag.
They make you prep an emergencybag and all that was already at
the door.
I wouldn't get off the phone.
I'm doing CPR, I'm looking ather, blue and lifeless, just

(01:00:54):
look like no response.
And he's telling me to hang upthe phone and I won't.
And I have a gun to my head andI hear the ambulance, I hear
the police and they literallyare just not coming fast enough
and I am doing everything I can.

(01:01:15):
I've done an emergent trachchange.
There's no occlusion in thetrach.
So there's no reason why thetrach would have been occluded.
And when you have a trach youhave a guaranteed airway.
So why wasn't she breathing?
Why I don't know?
So the ambulance comes and theysay let us have her, let us have
her.
They scoop her up, grab anemergency bag and before I could

(01:01:38):
say a word, I was out when hewas.
When he heard them driving up,he took the gun, threw it under
the couch.
I went with them In theambulance.
They said we're losing her,we're losing her, we're losing
her.
I threw the paramedic.
I threw the paramedic becausemost people are not trained on
trachs.
I started working on her.
You have to be trained to gohome.
So I work on her and working onher and working on her, I had

(01:01:59):
such tunnel vision, dana, whenwe got to the hospital I already
had her in my arms.
I jump out, I run and thedoctor's like we've got her, let
us have it, let us have her.
As soon as I saw she was safe,I just lost it.
I went down on the ground likejust fell on the ground.

(01:02:21):
A couple of hours later he showsup and looks at me and starts
yelling at me in front ofeverybody, everybody and
everybody knows about him.
Everybody's seen it, becausewhen they transferred her from
the other hospital, my medicalrecord went with her.
So they knew I didn't say it,they didn't, I didn't have to,
they knew.
And he puts me up against thewall and says you made me come

(01:02:41):
up here in traffic by myselfbecause you decided to come up
here with that stupid effingbrat.
Why didn't you just let her go?
And I looked at him and I saidyou put a gun on my head.
And I looked at him and I saidyou put a gun on my head.
And he said I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 (01:02:58):
No, don't ever be sorry.

Speaker 1 (01:03:01):
This is horrific.
He said I didn't just put a gunto your head.
I put my finger over thateffing kid's trach and I watched
her eyes and stopped breathing,because you pay more attention
to that damn baby than you do meand I'm sick of it.
And he said so I was just gonnaget rid of both of you and I

(01:03:25):
wouldn't have to deal with itanymore.
But you picked up the phone andyou called 9-1-1 and because of
that I couldn't do anything.
And I looked at him and I saidyou what?
And he said I put my fingerover it until she stopped.
How can you?

Speaker 2 (01:03:47):
I don't, how can it's a whole other episode.
I think how can you as a human,being.

Speaker 1 (01:03:53):
look down at a baby, yet alone biologically, and
watch life, come out of her anddo nothing while she stares at
you wanting you to help, Likenothing.
So I threw him up against thewall and I told him to leave.
I called his command.

(01:04:16):
They showed up, they didnothing.
I told him what he said, theydid nothing.
So the reason I brought this up.

Speaker 2 (01:04:29):
I'm so sorry is because You're sorry.
I am speaking for anybodythat's listening.
I am so sorry.
It's because you're sorry,we're I.
I am speaking for anybodythat's listening.
I am so sorry that you had thateither of you had to endure any
of this Cause.
This I mean to say it'shorrific, as an understatement.
Everybody goes through stuff,but this is literally
unspeakable horror.

(01:04:51):
What you endured and whatyou're, and the fact that you
and your daughter survived, thisis a testament to you know your
warrior spirit and why so manypeople respect and appreciate
you, because of what you standfor and because what your
daughter stands for, and it'sthe hope that we all have that

(01:05:13):
we can hold on to that.
Our situations nowhere near asbad.
And if you can get through thatand if your daughter can
survive all that stuff that youguys went through, then by God
the rest of us can too.
But the reason don't ever, ever, ever be sorry, please.

Speaker 1 (01:05:32):
The reason I was telling this is because we ended
up being admitted, re-admittedagain.
I begged them and they saidthey would re-admit us and they
put us in a secured floor.
And what a lot of people don'tknow is that this is very common
in kids' hospitals.
They actually even have a code.
So they put us in a room, theylocked down the unit and they

(01:05:55):
had security on the floor.
They took his picture and putit at every entrance and all the
security guards had it, so theywould know.
They put us in a room andoutside of the door they had us
under a totally different nameand it said that we had to be in
all protective gear.
So you had to go to the nurse'sstation to come in the room

(01:06:17):
because the child had to bearound.
Okay, here, and we had.
We're in a room that had a backdoor and I never even knew
these existed so they could getus out quickly.
And it took us.
The back door took us backbehind the nurse's station and
they could get us out.
And to know that?
I mean, and not only did theyhave the unit locked and they

(01:06:39):
had security at the door of thelocked units, but they had
security constantly walking,looking and letting us know if
they saw him.

(01:06:59):
And what people don't realize isif you are in a hospital and
you have your child there andyour partner, your spouse, your
significant other, whatever thecase may be, protect your kid,
whether you're staying, you'regetting out, you've gotten out.
And they find out that yourchild is in that hospital, for
whatever reason.
He used it to get to me.
That's what he wanted.
But you can tell them.
Talk to the director ofsecurity, talk to hospital
administration, because theywill put another name on the
door.
They will not have your child'sname listed if somebody called

(01:07:22):
they.
You know, michael, my husbandnow actually knew what was going
on and he actually tried tocome up to the hospital, saying
he was idiot, to see if theywould let him in, and they
didn't.
He wore a baseball hat.
Now, granted, my husband now islike six, two, six, three, and
idiot was not, and so, yes,there was a very difference in

(01:07:44):
an appearance.
Um, but you, you can do thesethings to put safety measures in
place.
And you know, you know I am agun-carrying person.
I know a lot of people areagainst guns.
I am not.
I carry everywhere I go.
I carry a ton of kniveseverywhere I go and I know
people are very much againstthat and they say how did you do
that, victoria, when you'vebeen stabbed?

(01:08:04):
It wasn't the knife thatstabbed me, you know.
You have to keep that in mindand you're not supposed to have
a gun in the kids' hospital.
You know what?
I'd rather ask for forgiveness,because you're also not
supposed to have a dead mom andchild in the hospital.
And so I carried with me andany time that door opened, I
drew and you know, yeah, it wasunder the bed and nobody saw it,
and you know it was down at myleg.

(01:08:27):
But I was prepared because younever know.
And so there are things thatyou can do to, you know, make
sure you're safe.

Speaker 2 (01:08:37):
You can get alarms for your windows that are really
cheap If you once you first getout these are in the baby
section, even at a Walmart oranywhere, I think even dollar
general, yeah, yeah, for allyour windows.
They're like very, very cheap,like dollars that it just sets
off a hype.
Very, very cheap, like dollarsthat it just sets off a hype, a
very high pitch.
Right, if anything is open, putthem on doors, put them on the

(01:08:58):
windows, a hundred percent youcan get wireless doorbells.

Speaker 1 (01:09:04):
I mean we need to do an episode on, you know, on this
kind of thing, because it makesa difference, it makes a huge
difference.
But you know, like I said, thereason I was telling this is
because there are things thatcan be done.
And you know, when you say it'sonly me, it's only me.
He hasn't hit the kids, hehasn't hit the dog yet or
whatever.
He shot and killed my six monthold dog to show what he would
do if I tried to leave.
And the puppy was six monthsold and the dog did nothing

(01:09:27):
wrong.
Nothing, yeah, and that's whatthe animals are always abused.

Speaker 2 (01:09:32):
And so, if you care about something, my exes always
say you love that cat more thanyou love me, you love that dog
more than you.
And I did, but I didn't saythat, but they didn't.
They met deaths earlier thanthey should have.
And we also had farm animalsthat I won't even get into the
cows and the pigs and thechickens.

(01:09:52):
But they, if it hurts you, theywill do it.
They will stop it Nothing.
And the more malignant they are,I mean, yeah, we just don't
look at it the way you wouldlook at the situation.
You know you're an abuser, youknow what they're capable of.

(01:10:14):
Don't ever dismiss that gutinstinct, even if you're
thinking, oh, they might be ableto do this.
Oh, but they wouldn't.
Oh, but they might.
So have a plan in place.
Get everything like you said.
Do what you can to minimize itsounds terrible to even have

(01:10:36):
this conversation but tominimize the damage, minimize.
I knew he was an a-holeliterally the second I met him,
but I never, ever in a millionfricking years, would have

(01:10:59):
thought that 25 years later thisman would be planning, like
literally fricking planning, tokill me, just like I.
I'm sure I mean, you knew yourex was a dick too.
Probably at some point itoccurred to you, but you don't
actually think that somebody,that or that that would happen
to you.
The things that have happened,I mean that's not normal to be

(01:11:21):
stabbed in the eye and cut upand and to have somebody kick
your, I mean these are things nohuman being with any conscience
would do.
It is so morally corrupt anyconscience would do.
It is so morally corrupt, likethat's putting it so lightly.
But please, anyone listening,do not think that just because,

(01:11:43):
oh well, it's not that bad, yeahWell, it wasn't that bad when
the first thing that happenedwith my ex was him throwing a
compact disc case across theroom at my head, yeah, not that
bad.
You know what Worse things havehappened to people.
But then it went.
How many years later?
You know it's a little bit more, it's a little more, it's a
little worse every time.
Then it's doors coming offhinges, it's holes getting
punched in walls.

(01:12:04):
Then those punches startgetting directed at your face
and you're ducking and missingthem.
Then it's a crowbar, then it'sprescription drugs.
I mean, I'm just going throughmy little resume of fun, but
it's not anything anybody wouldever expect, even if you think
they're capable.
You talk yourself out of itbecause you're like who does

(01:12:25):
this?
Nobody in their right mind doesthis.
He's an a-hole or she's aB-I-T-C-H or, my favorite word,
a twat waffle.
But you know, whatever youdon't think they're actually
going to do these things thatare only done in movies or on 48
hours or any true crime.
And then it happens to you andyou're like, oh crap, so don't,

(01:12:47):
don't talk yourself out of it.
But I always say follow yourinstinct.
You know them best, you knowthat.
Look in their eye.
You know when shit's going down.
Right, be ready, be ready.

Speaker 1 (01:13:02):
Yes.
Well, I think we are good onthis episode today.
We have more to cover and thatwas intense.
That please, you know, give uswhat you've done, give us some
suggestions, some things you'vedone to help with the money part
of it.
Just be safe, keep your kidssafe.

(01:13:24):
You know, nobody that has gonethrough what we've gone through
is judging you, because I knowso many people on the outside do
.
It'll never happen.
It'll never happen.
You know, I'm going to closewith this part.
I did a speaking engagement onceand I literally had somebody
you know in there and I was likeit's one in four, that's

(01:13:44):
reported.
So if it's reported, what arethe real numbers?
Let's be real.
And so I was like that's the,you know the three ladies in
front and me.
So there's your four.
And so I was like that's the,you know three ladies in front
and me, so there's your four.
And so I had a lady say, youknow, she was just you, just
bless her heart, right.
So she, she literally was likewell, my daughter is here and

(01:14:06):
the reason we're here is becauseI want someone to explain to
her that it's her fault.
Because she kept saying and Iwas like okay, you're the one I
want.
You're like you're, you're this, is this, is it?
And so I literally was likeokay, so let me ask you a
question.
I was like so you believe in inyour head that it's your

(01:14:26):
daughter's fault for staying inthis relationship?
And she was like absolutely.
And I said let's just take aminute and humor me if you will.
And I said God forbid, have you, are you a survivor of cancer?
And she said no.
And I said so, have yousurvived domestic violence?
And she goes I would never leta man hit me, never, never.

(01:14:47):
I was like my end donor saidthe same thing.
She said the same thing and Isaid okay.
I said well, good for you onboth, congratulations.
I said, but let me tell yousomething.
I said, god forbid.
Let's say, you come up with abrain tumor.
Okay, next week you getheadaches.
You go to the doctor, you havea brain tumor, it's stage three.
And I was like God forbid.

(01:15:07):
I said would you go to apodiatrist?
And she goes what?
I said, that's a foot doctor.
I know what podiatry is.
And I was like, okay, would yougo to a podiatrist?
And she goes that's stupid,that doesn't make any sense.
And I said well, neither doesyou judging her, telling her
that it's her fault for staying,because if you have a stage
three, which could be terminalwhich is her situation and

(01:15:30):
you're telling her that shedeserves, she's already getting
it every which way.
For you to continue to tackleher verbally is just making it
worse, because she's alreadylosing her self esteem and her
self worth.
And you're turning around andsaying this I said if you have
stage three cancer and it'sbrain cancer, you're not going
to go to a podiatrist.

(01:15:51):
Why?
You're going to want the verybest.
You're going to want someonewho's been there.
You're going to want someonewho is trained in it.
You're going to want the bestsurgeon possible to get out what
the trauma is, get it away fromyou and make you heal.
Right, and she goes right.
I said so you're going to go tothe top surgeon?
Yes, of course.

(01:16:12):
Okay, well, do you think youneed to be giving her advice on
what she should be doing?
No, and she's like I guess not.
And I said right, she shouldnot.
She absolutely should not.
And so I looked over and I saidyou're on your own path and

(01:16:33):
nobody else understands itunless you've been through it.
Right, nobody else gets it andfor you to need someone, even if
you don't understand it.
And I said to this I said areyou her mother?
And she's like yeah.
And I looked at her and I saidI'm so sorry.
And I said I have one, justlike it.
And I said let me tell you.
First of all, do something forher.
If you don't know what to say,shut up.

(01:16:57):
Just be there for her.
Be in a room with her.
Extend your hand out.
Don't take hers, because somuch of hers has already been
taken.
So much, metaphorically, of herhas been taken.
So if she just needs you to bein a room with her where she
knows she's safe and she's notgoing to get hit or cussed out

(01:17:18):
or yelled at or belittled, justbe quiet, because that speaks
volumes.
If she reaches for your hand,hold it.
Don't discuss anything unlessshe wants to talk to you.
Don't talk at her.
Listen to her.
Don't talk down to her.
Listen to her If you think shedeserves it.

(01:17:40):
Don't offer her a place to stay, because when she gets there,
all you're going to do is giveher grief about it.
Listen to what she has to say.
Pretend for just a minute inyour life of perfection, that
that is your trauma surgeon,because one day you might need
her, because right now she needsyou.

(01:18:00):
And when I got done talking withher, the girl came up to me and
said I want you to sign my book.
That's how I found you and yousaved my life, because I was
going to take mine because I hadno one.
And I said then you are who Iwrote my book for.
And I said not only am I givingyou my signature, I'm giving
you my personal cell phonenumber, my email.

(01:18:21):
You reach out to me any time ofday and I promise you will get
me and I will listen, I will bethere for you.
I won't say a word.
I will support you.
You have my ears, my hands, myheart, my shoulder, whatever you
need, because that is whatmakes a difference and that is
authentic.
Until you have walked thisjourney, you have no idea what
that path is like.

Speaker 2 (01:18:41):
So either support or get the hell out of the way,
because you're only making itworse 100 percent, and I want to
just let me add to that bysaying that if there is anyone
that's out there, that's onething.
That, victoria, and acontagious smilecom, and you can
get me at Dana s diazcom there.

(01:19:19):
You'll find the contactinformation there.
Or go on our socials.
I'm on Instagram and tick tock,you're on Facebook.
Instagram, tick yeah, you'reeverywhere.
So don't hesitate to reach out.
Understand, however, we arehuman.
We might be in different timezones, we might be taking a
shower, having dinner, takingcare of a kid, an animal, so if

(01:19:44):
we don't respond immediately,give us that grace, but do know
that we will personally respondif anyone wants to reach out,
that needs anything, or justwants to vent or talk, whatever.
No, we're here for you, no, butwe don't want anyone to ever
feel alone like we did.

Speaker 1 (01:20:01):
Yes, and we have so much more to talk about on the
next episode.
Thank you, we always do, yeah,yeah, all right, we'll hear from
you guys soon and we will talkto you guys soon.
Stay safe and know you're notalone.